When Assertiveness Doesn't Work

[@studentthe1560]

There comes a point in time, when one must realize that severing the relationship is the best solution.

[@MysticGwen]

Yesssssss🖖💗🦋

[@casperinsight3524]

That time of Realizing the truth is very liberating and freeing 🎯😎

[@pmp450]

Sometimes it's the only answer my friend...

[@chomka426]

I'm finally seeing the light on that too. I feel less attached to my sister's crap. I feel more detached now which makes it hurt less.

[@teresatobias4070]

​@@casperinsight3524 ko

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

The worst is that you've been open with them and as a result they just have more information to hurt and manipulate you with.

[@chomka426]

I agree. If I try to defend myself, my sister will turn it around making it look like I'm crazy, she never said it, she never did it...if it did happen and she can't get out of it, then I'm the one at fault, and the hateful disdain pours out. Now she's teaching my 15yr old nephew to do the same.

[@Notme811_you]

Yeah I wouldn’t do this but a friend of mine would but I didn’t like her saying information about me.

[@anniejefferson7614]

I repeat constantly with narc. "Just because they say it, doesn't make it true". ❤

[@tranquility9325]

Annie Jefferson that's the truth sister!

[@FairyTheGreenOne]

That's very important to remember-just because the narcissist or the manipulator says a thing, doesn't mean it's true. Recognising and sticking to this truth will help to maintain your integrity and healthy boundaries.

[@JaynardManback]

I'm using this one on my inner critic 💪

[@nancyfahey7518]

Detach with love. Boy did I study that for weeks before I could understand. I'm still working on my communication skills. I would normally hold things in until they burst and I would be a screaming maniac. My husband was so patient with me, bless his heart, at times he would just look at me and say, "where the heck did that come from?" Then I'd calm down and we'd talk. Recently I felt myself building up a resentment with a son I have living with me. I prayed on it, went to him and apologised first, "I don't have great communitive skills. can we talk about a problem I have?" Wow it worked out great. It didn't change much but it got me out of my building anger.

[@notmyrealpseudonym6702]

Hey, well done you!

[@Lexilea68]

Prayer works.

[@QuasiBlond]

Haha, usual responses of the NPD in my life when I was assertive were “You are so needy!”, or “Why is everything always about you?” Assertiveness with a covert narcissist was a loosing proposition. More withdrawal and silence more gaslighting and extremely sneaky smear campaign.

[@MichelleVisageOnlyFans]

So true. There's virtually no healthy way to deal with a narcissist. Only a total disconnection and going absolutely no contact works. Before that, if they go off on you with criticism or verbal abuse to extract some narc supply from you, just laugh in their face and agree in clownish, insane person manner with everything they say, even if it's a complete nonsense and lie about you or what they are accusing you of, exaggerate that nonsense and the lie in your agreeing, tongue-in-cheek response ad absurdum, and with rolling your eyes and big amused grin or laughter leave the room. FOREVER!!! Never ever get: angry, defensive, argumentative, start explaining yourself, or god forbid try to calm them down and reason with them. They will tear you to shreds. Because that's exactly the reaction they want from you, that's their reward, their narcissistic supply of your negative emotions, frustration, anger, fear and humiliation. They live for it and they will never ever let you be if you give them that just once.

[@herewardthewatchful1014]

I've found that mental disconnection works the best for me. But then again when you nod your head while they are gripping at you while you are in reality not paying attention to whatsoever they said, they will surely bring it up later and say "remember that time you agreed that ________?" (fill in the blank)

[@joslinnick]

"It's about considering the needs of others." NPD coded talk for "Give me everything I want for nothing in return."

[@rockerg4366]

I’m too sensitive

[@casperinsight3524]

You can't reason with an unreasonable person

[@clairechapin6901]

I told my husband long ago before we even got married. Right from the start. That I was assertive and proud to be myself. That I wouldn't allow anyone to rule my life. He was okay with that. Now I have to wonder if it just made him think, right wait and see what I'll do to break you. I'm going to show you! 40 years later I'm exactly where he wants me. What an blind idiot I've become. It took one of my sons and daughter in law now living with me to tell me they hated the way he treated me. They pointed out the exact things I have ignored for too long.

[@dorothybennington]

Sort of a similar situation for me. Told him I had been a single mother before and I wasn't afraid to do it alone again. I think he took it as a challenge. Moving back to the US in January. I'm going to miss my youngest daughter, but I just can't see any other way. When I try to assert myself with him, I don't even get the chance to talk. He just tells me to shut my ******* mouth. He has just arrived in my space to tell me I should be doing something else. In a very manipulative way. "You're not going to take care of the plant, are you." When he enters, he fills the whole room. I find it difficult to breathe.

[@mariajardim951]

@@dorothybennington time to get out dear sister

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Thank you!!! Nearly all extended family is controlling, I am the scapegoat because I have my own opinions. These people use intimidation and mocking to shut me down. It always works because I hate that fighting over silly things. 65 years old and have been involved with family members who are angry at the slightest disagreement. I avoid them as much as I can. When they treat me as though I am stupid and not worthy of respect, all I know to do is get away.

[@lescarter5418]

Let's just say that after 65 years of disrespect, this qualifies as a trend. That being the case, i agree that your best option is to pull way back and focus on a life built upon your own foundation of self respect!

[@phoenixd9679]

Gwendolyn Wehage Good for you ! I am finally getting to the same point with my family and friends! I notice they stay away when I reply with the attitude they have to me and I stay calm !

[@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih]

Gwendolyn Wehage - Hugs. I got away at 55!! I can quite honestly say; I was so brainwashed(,you are "bad", "unworthy", useless) so long...only by the Grace of God I awoke. Once me and my sweet Dad were saying how we were bullied at school & from her sofa she stated with pride:"I Was a Bully!". Says it all!! Evil woman.

[@janyager2854]

My father was a narcissist. Everything HAD to be HIS WAY. If you thought differently from him, he branded you a fool, and discarded you as if you never existed.

[@chinookvalley]

Gwendolyn We are the same age. Finally, I am far enough away from my family that they can't hurt me. Just the memories. Working on getting past that.

[@larrycork1420]

When I sometimes encounter such a person I know I am being manipulated, this person would go into a narcissistic rage, My heart would increase, I would freeze up, I gave him what he wanted to just make it stop. This person is now out of my life

[@dona4him942]

That's good.🤗 ✌

[@MH-cv5ye]

They want a punch in the head. Repeatedly. This is an actual legit theory of mine. The extreme 'dark triad' personas behave in a way which is really quite masochistic. I believe some of them want to be killed. Nobody in their right mind would push people beyond normal limits like these clowns. Life's dishing out enough crap by default, without these insane parasites.

[@martilyn1925]

Good for you. I soon learned he would never change so I ended our relationship early on. Thank God!

[@patriciaearley4177]

Ohh😱

[@rockerg4366]

Larry Cork good

[@jeanroeder5534]

I’ve found that assertiveness is the best way to deal with a controller’s personality. What I mean by that statement is, I keep an attitude of “I respect myself and I don’t accept disrespect” ( said in my mine, not by my mouth). Wanting to have control over another person is disrespecting them an an individual. I want to stand tall, behave in a dignified manner and be treated with that same dignity. Life is good.🌷

[@tranquility9325]

The last time I dealt with someone who is hard headed, he got hung up on. Bec he was a narc, he instantaneously texted me in a state of shock .... did you just hang up on me!? I wonder what his first clue was lol. I'm not going to sit here and explain to you 500 different ways that I am not doing what you keep trying to make me do. Now you do understand someone hanging up in your face... that you understand. Narcs can be *relentless* when they are trying to force their agenda down your throat, and I am not dealing with it anymore. Period.

[@michellewilson9022]

Leave if you can...they dont change.

[@MichelleVisageOnlyFans]

Leave, even if you "can't". That's your first step towards unconditional self-love, leaving the person and situation that is abusive to you and that is not loving or caring. Removing yourself from such person and their negative, controlling, abusive, critical influence is called self-love and self-care. Try it. It will make wonders for you! You'll see!!!

[@miriamhernandez3407]

Wish I could

[@heathercruz9746]

I done all I can to comunication with my boyfriend he go in rage and take off for days blow up block me sometime pushing me out of his car in the house then when he ready to return home he say I want to get help never really means what he's telling me then when I tell him to make appointment he tell me I'm mentally ill insane or I might make appointment but he won't show up how could I get him to see he's needs to change and it's not putting him down I have ADHD and depression I'm not shame I shared my situation open with everyone I see he noticed how people are with me and tell me about their situation I think he getting it but then shut down he turns to running away from me again for days weeks we been going around no way for 2 years I want off but don't no how

[@Tamara-tf2nu]

Michelle Wilson . Correct, they don’t! I wonder who they’ll blame if they don’t go to heaven.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Exactly. Nut brother K.R.N wrote unabomber letters to me and my sister. Angry critiques. Our dad used to read them and say "'yes son! Great writing'"

[@martilyn1925]

Trying to end an argument I once said “Let’s agree to disagree.” He answered “No I don’t want to. I want you to agree with me.”

[@casperinsight3524]

B reasonable, do it my way, lol

[@missnukkinfutz]

Yeah they just can't handle that. And when you stand your ground, they're just baffled.

[@specialtwice4975]

Casper Insight It's my way or no way.

[@Societyman123]

From my experience agreeing to disagree is generally a temporary thing, it doesn't solve long term conflict. I think coming to some sort of resolution/agreement is best.

[@michaelbateson8636]

Oh my god. This is what co.parenting with a narcissist is like. Every few week a grenade comes my way. Some have the pins left in. Or don't land. Others just want me to shoot her in her stupid face.

[@Omega4relayfan]

I love how being assertive has been translated in being sensitive and taking yourself too seriously

[@asseyez-vous6492]

I HAVE been a doormat in the past, but when I started to define boundaries (nicely) the ones using me just downright cut me off. They want you to continue to be their doormat and when you tell them you can't drop everything for them any more, they sulk and cut off contact. Also lost my teaching job when I downright REFUSED to doctor someone's test results. Yes, I was asked to do that. Then I was told there was no work for me any more and I was given an interview where all of a sudden all these made up complaints arose (that was their excuse for letting me go). If I'd known what was going to happen, I wouldn't have done anything any different. Intensely dislike corruption and it's absolutely everywhere 😟

[@prescottlady290]

It was a huge realization for me when I thought, "He can talk (gripe, criticize) all he wants. But I don't have to sit here and listen! " And so, I started to just, without saying a word, leave the room. Extending that concept to the phone ringing, knocking at the door...there are no laws saying I have to answer them. It all comes down to maintaining respect for the free-will of others...and one's self.

[@annh227]

For me, boundaries are what I want. Meaning, I want to be "left alone." I just want to be me because I allow others to be who they are. My mantra is my stuff is my stuff and yours is yours and let's not mix it up.

[@casperinsight3524]

Yes, Live and let live

[@robinmurray5266]

I had to do this with a lady at work. There's nothing you could ever do 'good enough' in her eyes. Had it with her! Kept my cool but just flat out asked her, "Why do you constantly pick me apart and obsess yourself with me? Don't you have something more productive to spend your time on?" Made her mad but she left me alone for a couple weeks....sadly she started up again. I was head cook in a very busy restaurant. She would purposely either turn my grill up or down by just a hair saying I didn't do it right. Pick thru my stock area and take pictures of ONE lousey can of ketchup that had dust on the lid. Bitch (and take photos) during the SUPER BUSY lunch rush if there was an onion skin on the floor. Pull out prepped weighed frozen items from freezer and reweigh all and take photos if something was over 1/2oz. Sorry but I can't adjust the size of 1 mushroom. I finally had to give notice. My boss actually was in tears when i gave notice. But I did explain it was better than me just walking out without notice. Boss was fully aware of the conflicts and issue but would never fire the woman....my hands were tied. Since then I get calls from former coworkers ( and boss) BEGGING me to come back. They can't get anyone to stay more than 2wks. Because of the Dragon Lady. I refuse to go back as long as shes there.

[@KrystalLioness]

I'm going through this - somewhat -at work. I've had to deal with a lot of Dragon Ladies at my places of work through the years and my hide has gotten tougher. But I am still empathic and this makes me a target. You can find them everywhere - even as a social worker that works in addiction. My original supervisor is retiring and her second in command is taking over. Now we have to deal with a Gestapo. Ok I thought, I can deal with this. Then I came into work and the atmosphere felt weird. I became the target of a gossip attack. A meeting was coming up with the CEO of the company that Monday, and I stayed in bed all weekend thinking and strategizing on how I was going to handle this situation. I validated my own feelings and tried not to let my 'go-to-thoughts' of inadequacy take over. Also to not allow the feeling of victim mentality. The meeting went well. Near the end, I raised my hand and stated that the gossip had gotten out of hand. If someone has a problem then they should go to the source. In other words come talk to me and then we can work it out. The CEO talked for quite a while about the subject and took the wind out of those catty worker's sails (along with the new supervisor's abuse by proxy.) (Sorry so long, maybe this is my therapy 😄)

[@cutechiangels]

Good for you! Wish I had done that too, before... So many lousy bad low vibe people taking advantage of good hardworking people... The best to you in the future. 🤗

[@tranquility9325]

Robin Murray I don't blame you. Enough is enough.

[@jcszot]

Robin Murray - I have a coworker EXACTLY like this!

[@JohnSmith-ji7xt]

I left a job for similar reasons. I don't know why companies to fire these toxic individuals.

[@nancyrussell5826]

I can practice showing the right response but on the inside I’m still struggling with my emotions. I want to be true to myself but also honest with myself.

[@CelticSlavicEurasianGirl]

It's hard to get people who' don't deal with it. Including professionals who teach assertiveness. That the techniques DO NOT work on everyone! Some people you just simply have to walk away and have little or nothing to do with them!

[@tranquility9325]

Nicole Noelle Niehaus then you get out of prison from them. Leaving is the best thing to do.

[@valeriegriner5644]

This is true. Some people wouldn't understand anything but aggression, but this brings us down to THEIR level. It's best to cut ties and walk away.

[@notaclue822]

That's been my experience. I don't think it matters what you say. I don't think you owe them your civility or anything since all they do is twist what you say. You just have to hop on the bus Gus...

[@jcszot]

Thank God for this channel! Such a great resource! Thank you, Dr. Carter!

[@anitaroempke7310]

Thank you for taking this subject up!!! I am already going to therapy and have come a long way , finding out who I really am, my values, etc. and how to stick to them no matter what, but I know a few people who need to listen to you. thank you Doctor!!!

[@martincichocki9908]

Dr. Carter, your cool, calm & erudite way of conducting yourself is enviable. It definitely reflects your many years buried in books, experiments, studies, etc. Thank you so much for the 20 videos I've reviewed, more of yours to come yet. You have already Profoundly helped me understand a dear friend, a Narcissist supreme. I was on the verge of discarding our 45 year platonic friendship when you said the magic word: humanity. Appealing to your higher powers of tolerance, acceptance, understanding. Your phraseology is extremely illuminating & Helpful. It gives some closure on my abusive, Narcissist father. You are quite clever & have nothing but respect from me. I look forward to learning more from you. I'll be watching, listening, absorbing, reflecting & try to implement some of your pragmatic advice in operation. As the Scapegoat, oldest child of 7, I say: THANK YOU!

[@matthewhenley783]

"You cannot control what others say or do; only your reaction to it" -Dr. Abraham Low

[@cutechiangels]

Great tips. Fantastic I found you. Coz, I have the same way of putting things, and facts. It's so nice to feel good about oneself! And so important to meet and be with like-minded people. Thank you again!

[@SpiritualTarotbyYvonne]

Best way to deal with controllers is to show that you dont take them seriously and that they are a joke.

[@shellymichelle2719]

Spiritual Tarot by Yvonne lol good one

[@ninomalekovic4911]

@@cathyneill2922 Given they project a powerful persona, but are weak on the inside, their everything isn't really much :)

[@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih]

@@ninomalekovic4911 - I don't agree. I stuck up for myself & (It is a parent)...then the unimaginable happened & one by one I lost each sibling AND my sweet dependant Dad was taken away. I could have stayed longer to defend myself but by then It affected me so so badly; I could barely function. It was like having lost them all & that they had just died. Died in my heart. This is pure witchcraft I believe & the Jezebel spirit in a person. Each has their own experience. I was naieve once and believed I could change things and could not imagine such evil. By being pure and good..(.only to get near-destroyed); I felt very wrongly I could somehow be on an even footing. I have trauma therapy now to try to get back the lost parts of myself.

[@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih]

@@vesnadjordjevic28 -Agreed. Best to be well aware to try to keep safe. They Trully are the pits! One puts up boundaries to try to get inner respect and to safety and they come after you & then when that terrifies you into hiding....more twists come...until even younger cousins are used to get you back. Crazeee! We need All the spiritual armour of God.

[@vesnadjordjevic28]

@@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih what do you mean by younger cousins are used in what purpose? I dont have much relatives, n the one I have I m not in contact with them,I might say I barely know them.

[@69LOLIN]

I was asked by a young member of my family to do a favor to her mom, when she recently in an argument in a car ordered me to get out of it. (extremely aggresive woman, who never loses) I said I would do if, she gives an apology. She might think I'm trying to control her but I just want to restore my dignity and set a boundary. After watching this vid, it made me happy to realize that I don't want a certain response for her. In fact I don't really want the apology, ( but didn't want to sound to mean with the young family member ) bcz I just don't want to do a favour to such an inconsiderate, angry young relative !

[@kristinmeyer489]

I believe it's perfectly understandable to be angry when someone treats you as if you were their own personal toilet.

[@teresadexter9965]

dignity and respect!! Yes exactly what a narcissist doesnt seem aware of.......v sad !

[@poppysunshine5164]

Thank you so much! My covert narcissist mother is always completely innocent. I’m 43 and just ‘woke up’. I’ve changed so much in just a few months and she feels it. I am so glad to have help in dealing with her and I’ve applied a lot of your suggestions already and feel good about it....But I still get SO exhausted, drained, even spinning, when I have to ‘handle’ her. How can I get through encounters with her and still feel happy, healthy, alive, and optimistic afterwards? I don’t want her to even affect me! But I still get so drained and feel beat up even when things went as good as can be expected.

[@Jenniferde2007]

Les, what if you become emotional and cry out of the frustration? That happened to me once in an office environment with a controlling boss. She was an Episcopal Priest and I felt she was extremely controlling. I am no longer working with her at that Church, but she felt threatened by any assertiveness and organization I would show. She was verbally abusive at times. I am glad to be gone.

[@Jenniferde2007]

Prin Cess Thank You...got it. I think she caught me off guard and I thought since she was an Episcopal priest that she could have been more fair.

[@tranquility9325]

J Lee so called religious ppl can be the worst behaved. Glad you are done with that.

[@MichelleVisageOnlyFans]

@@tranquility9325 Amen to that! (Pun intended :)

[@jen3722]

Religious narcissist mother who rages behind closed doors. Walked away at 55 for my health and well-being.

[@Dastardly_X]

Those are the WORST !!! My dads a religious goof-ball narcisstic pos ‼️

[@angealclarke7110]

From watching your video"s since my first text. I am more possitive in my mind set and thinking. There is a big difference for me moving forward,with you guidence. Thank you again xxx

[@Sunny-iq6hm]

Your presentations are well presented and down to earth in a common sense manner! Very helpful! I will continue to be assertive in a respectful way, and let the chips fall where they may. What can I do about a controlling person spreading lies and maligning my character because I didn't give them what they want? So far I have been quite since that person is not part of my immediate environment. It's a family member. Other family members are aware of what's going on, and I'm getting support there.

[@luciem5372]

Thank you Les. As I've learned to stand up for myself I dont feel helpless or defenseless anymore and I can keep my boundaries much better without becoming angry. But some of them still ignore me. Now I know the important thing is to give myself the respect I deserve even though they may not agree with me.

[@clairobics]

Completely hijacked during a fellowship meeting last night. Dismissed, not valued, argued with I tried to do the 'Christian' thing by asking for forgiveness (even though I hadn't done anything wrong) to just be a peacemaker and at one point said I was walking away and left the room to go to the kitchen as so as not to add 'fire to the fuel' in a heated debate ( following other two who had left because of this person's need to be right and argue). They complained about the person's behaviour in debate before i did and were supportive in suggested we watch a teaching DVD instead. We watched it, it completely backed up everything I had spoken about before which the others agreed with. I listen actively, had empathy and (perhaps foolishly) expected my fellow brothers and sisters to treat me in biblically loving way I was assertive and said, " Perhaps we have to agree to disagree" trying to be reasonable? The more reasonable I tried to be the more annoyed this seemed to make them and they just sulked and were silent - did not reciprocate the forgiveness at all. I quoted 1 John 4:20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. they responded to this with more dismissal and an 'inaudible' 'pffff' so nothing i said assertively worked whatsoever! Then the scapegoating started with the two (one of whom would never disagree with the person because he does jobs for her, looks after her and she has him running round doing all kinds of things for her) turning everything on me as a 'scapegoat'. One of who then turned me out of her house as if I was the problem. Since i have spoken to someone else who knows them and they advise me to accept that this person will never admit they are wrong in anything, and that several of them are toxic. This has been very painful for me as I thought I'd found friends and a healthy house church group after leaving 'institutionalised church' but maybe it's meant to be

[@sugabear161]

Oh my goodness, yes. The definition of whether or not "it worked"...SUCH a good point. Do you think sometime you could do some videos where maybe you could "role-play" with someone else how these situations can play out? I understand your explanations, & even the examples you give. But I'd love to kind of "see" what these techniques in dealing with controllers looks like. Especially how to kind of detach, when they don't seem to be listening. I have struggled with that before. I guess I would just like to see some videos where the healthier ways of responding are modeled so I can really grasp how it looks, sounds, & feels. Anyway, just a thought! GREAT video!

[@MsHopeify]

1) How do you handle controlling, back-stabbing people who make themselves the victim, totally ignoring your pain, any time you try to explain how you were hurt by their actions.2) How do you handle a controlling person who seeks out everyone you know and tells them lies about you, all the while acting like a caring, persecuted victim who is the nicest person on earth (in public).3) How do you handle someone who takes even your words of compassion, twists them into evil and spreads them, hurting others but blaming you, while they make themselves to be the compassionate hero.I know you asked for these in 2014, but I just found this helpful video, and thought you might be able to use them in the future. May God bless you and yours, Dr. Carter.

[@indiracamotim2858]

Thank you for this video. I learnt this the hard way because I WAS pleading my case, when I had been misjudged or simply had crooked people blame their stuff on me. I would get terribly hurt and very angry and that wasn’t helping. I had to do some internal work on myself, of course... in the end, we can just change ourselves. Well, it worked and I can calmly now behave more appropriately which has helped me a lot and kept me calmer and so much less angry !

[@terrispires9084]

I cant wven talk assertive to my abuser, he bullies me in conversation and will NOT LET ME SPEAK. He knows everything and his ways are the gospel. So yes, I needed this video!!

[@dianedardis2961]

Oh I see I’ve been doing things all wrong. I can be assertive for me, build my self esteem by staying healthy and stand firm. Going to practice this now whenever I can. I’ve been waiting for him to change and co-ordinate with me. Delicate detachment is really hard but I can’t let him dictate my pace, or life any more. Fifty years too late but now I’m 70 I feel I should take back control of my own destiny. Many thanks Dr Carter.

[@stephaniewilliams5548]

Thank you, Dr. Carter for all you do. Your videos really helped me get through divorcing a narcissist that I still love and have compassion for.

[@Kayla-xk5om]

I like this one! It doesn’t always have to be about the narcissist. This is just general great rules for life! You’re so cool Dr. C

[@dona4him942]

I like 💗 this a lot Dr. Les. My goal is to achieve healthy relationships as well as getting mentally healthy myself. 😊🤗✌

[@Josh-pe5pl]

Just learned last year after 55 years of marriage that t am married to a conrtollinh preson. And now i have 4 chronic ill ill essex and see hin entirely differently. Grrrrr

[@pamelacave5515]

Me, after 43 yrs

[@ozzyoz5210]

@@pamelacave5515 Wow that's a long time

[@ozzyoz5210]

A lifetime

[@martilyn1925]

You’re the best counselor on you tube. I love your ending to stay kind but vigilant.

[@susanmercurio1060]

I ran into *social workers* who didn't want to work with me and I tried to respond assertively (I learned about assertiveness/aggression in the 1980s) but it just didn't work. And they had resources that I needed to use so walking off, which was what I ended up doing, was bad for me. I think they knew that they had all the marbles in the game and were gaslighting. They had the "I don't care" attitude because they thought they were always right. Because they were 🧚 social workers 🧚

[@cyncin7247]

Great, Dr. Les. Needed this today. I've got 3 people to deal with along these lines. Difficult, but staying calm and this helped me to realize that calmly standing ground is a great help and sense of peace.

[@GaveMeGrace1]

Thank you for those excellent keys to assertiveness. The locked in I feel to a controlling person in my life (the more I’m interpersonally and verbally trapped) the closer I’m tempted to fly toward rage. My desire to keep my self defense rights acts as a massive incentive not to give into rage; although I’ve verbally lost my temper on occasion.

[@jacks6413]

Love your videos and thank you for all the information. Here are my two questions: 1. How to handle a narcissistic mother at the moment when she feels the narcissistic injury that according to her was caused by me? Indirectly she accuses me of her unhappiness. Since I can remember she has always used me to dump on me her unhappiness and frustrations. Through many years in therapy (and many tears) I have managed to make some boundaries and I am no longer available to attend every need of hers as I did for many years. Directly she accuses me of abandoning her (which I have not) and constantly reminds me how much I am going to suffer when she dies. It is really hard to listen to her accusations and to content myself by keeping quiet but I do. 2. How can I have a better communication with a narcissist mother? She is not someone I can turn my back. Thank you again.

[@mysteriousleigh3517]

My family is centred around my mom, and somehow, everyone is supremely loyal to her. She has this combination of assertiveness, authoritarianism, cunningness, but then when accountability is required, she is a victim, and has fooled our family with an excessive (someone even nicknamed her santa clause) generosity. My fathers side of the family, while they may not be perfect, have totally been exiled and even some on her side. She requires loyalty that she herself does not give. When you try to put the shoe on the other foot, she cannot see it. Recently we disagreed because I was going to a meal for my dads birthday, a significant one. I'm the only one from her side going. That's not because I see my father with rose coloured glasses, although they will all imply that I have been poisoned by my father. I do sense that something is not quite right with my father too. But, the person who smears, is my mother. She possesses this infinite knowledge of what was said about others, even when she wasn't there, profound insight into other peoples relationships, she is convinced everyone is jealous of her. She thinks she knows better than doctors, psychologists, everyone. When I was 19 she sensed that a counsellor wanted to separate us and she took me out of the environment. SHE has poisoned my views of others. I don't even know where to begin. I'm always dealing with two sides of the truth at minimum. I'm always clarifying how and what way I exactly mean something, it could be a book. When I said I was going to make an appearance at the meal, she told me it was severely disloyal, that she was a victim, that it was insensitive, appalling, and that I lack empathy. When I still didn't crack she said I was choosing to hurt her just not to hurt my father. I calmly explained that it was not personal, and that I understood why it might be painful for her, but that I need to experience for myself and at least be allowed to confront and speak to others. She seems to think that me defending my choice is me being 'at her' but she did that. She said that I wanted her to make a difficult dilemma easy for me. But I do not understand why she will not let me get to know people on my own terms if it might even vindicate her? In the end she said she respected my opinion and laced it with motherly adoration, whilst implying I aimed to get something from her I would not. I can't really place this except to think that she might've worried pushing harder might inspire me to do some truth digging. I did not fight for approval, I was just explaining my reasoning... I thanked her for her two cents and she tried to imply her view should be worth more than that!!! I am so afraid and ashamed of the wrath or the guilt that would come from investigating that I have felt forced to take her claims as law! This consumes me.

[@Skazoonit]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with your Mother. She sounds a lot like my Narcissistic/Borderline Mother (who is now deceased.) I'm still healing from the toxicity I endured. I finally had to detach and completely ignore her. A blessing occurred when dementia took over her mind. All the meanness disappeared. She was sweet and docile the final 3 years of her life. It was then I was able to reconnect but not before. That was how I was able to survive. Another family member felt I was not doing my duty, however, I would not be guilted back into that toxic relationship.

[@goldenfox5434]

This sounds so much like my own mom. It's befuddling how much narcs resemble one another

[@nathaliedufour3891]

How on point. Thank you for this segment, i suspect i am dealing with yet another narc , neighbour, red flags alert !

[@zombieSlayer-kn2rk]

Les, I just found your channel. As you probably know that I am searching for answers to a whole host of things. I have been married for 24 yrs and I'm just now waking up and seeing how controlling she is. I am learning more about how these people work and how they play their game. She has been giving me the silent treatment for over a week now and the longer it goes on the more I'm convinced that she is this controlling person I think I'm waking up to. How do I start to set my boundaries? How do I get myself back?

[@bradmowreader5983]

zombie Slayer Congratulations! You're well on the way. Just realizing what you're facing is seminal. Get away. Plan it out while going grey rock. Monosyllabic responses, grunts, gestures. Do not engage. Period. Remember how cruel and withdrawn THEY can become and for how long they can keep it up. Take a page from their book. I went no contact with my own mother and 2 other family members last year and haven't felt better. It took months of binge KZbin videos but no worries, there are thousands of hours for you to choose from. I have gotten great value from Jordan Peterson for self-esteem/ personal power, Richard Grannon, lots of lady shrinks and their perspective for escape and evasion and frighteningly! Sam Vaknin. Truth is so scary.

[@bradmowreader5983]

Btw, nice screen name for the job at hand. Heartless leach blood sucking parasitic subhuman entitlement riders. Off the bus! End of the line.

[@zombieSlayer-kn2rk]

@@bradmowreader5983 Thank you Brad for your caring and understanding and thanks for taking the time to respond. That is exactly what I was thinking is to get out. I will go grey rock and plan my exit. These types of people are soul sucking monsters. It's sad that they waste so many lives including their own.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

zombie Slayer, I might highly recommend Jocko Willink's Channel (YT)... He and Echo do a regular Podcast, too, but you can pick up the shorter snippets and clips on YT when (as life just keeps rolling) you find a bit of time here and there. Nothing more personally motivating and inspirational than a NAVY SEAL telling you "YOU CAN CRUSH THIS!!!" ... so go... Listen... Learn it ... Live it... LOVE IT! ;o)

[@zombieSlayer-kn2rk]

@@gnarthdarkanen7464 thanks I will check them out.

[@derycktrahair8108]

Even a rabbit backed into a corner will fight. "Fight, Flight, or Freeze"? I usually freeze because I can't understand why someone could be so insensitive. But if physically abused, the "Fight" mode kicks in. Then all bets are off. But I'm not scared of them, I am scared of my own capacity to hurt. All my frustrations taken out on an idiot? "Is he worth jail-time? ?.What is wrong with me?..I should have seen that coming."...those ideas go through my brain. But Verbal bullying is more difficult to handle. "If only that guy knew how close he is to having a fist going though his big mouth"....what's the answer? Insincerity? Why not. Let's beat them at their own game. No. That's not me. You recommend betters ways to deal with it. Thank you for that.

[@irenewatson]

I agree with you,dragging yourself down to their ĺevel is exactly what they want you to do,because getting you to react physically will have consequences for you but also they will make it appear that it's you who are the problem.If it has reached the stage of no return,better to focus on ignore and override.example I am nearby to an extreme and entrenched narcissist with a body of enablers 20 strong.Physical violence is always on simmer toward me as I won't be controlled.The narcissist is old but vicious and used a relative to intimidate me when I was home alone.I was inside when the handle of the back door turned and as the door slowly opened I came face to face with someone who has all the traits of a pschopath. His stare and calmness meant me harm.Thats not the time to freeze or strike because my 26kilo dog had moved quietly like a ninja and positioned himself behind the half open door between me and the threat.The man smiled at me and I looked straight into his eyes and without a word guided his eye down to his real problem who was busy unhinging his huge jaw in preparation.I then gave my biggest smile.He turned and ran away.Live your life your way and show them up as the problem.

[@Liberté-bell]

This is exactly what is happening to me and is costing me health and mind. I'm going to listen to this many times and take notes. Thank you.

[@klattalexis]

Thanks for another tool in the toolbox.

[@tiffanyjohnson172]

1. Recognize when you are being controlled What feelings go along with this? 2. How do controlling people think? And why? Thank you!

[@maramataniwha3225]

awesome thank you

[@dogshampoonetwork6051]

The language use is very important. Thanks for the clues and the cues.

[@justChrisjones]

I think when your moving to standing your ground it can be messy for awhile as you get more mastery over it. It takes time. But for me when an aggressive person comes over and physically enters my space , I sometimes can't get away. I freeze up. ??

[@marym.h2533]

This is so good. Wish I had a therapist like you Dr Les 🙆‍♀️. It is very valuable all you have said. I feel defenseless. My siblings have learnt every thing from mom. Vey complicated, but am trying to untangle on my own and with all valuable resources. Thanks a million.!!

[@jingersawyermahler3607]

Well said. Very good content. Thank you for what you are doing!!! Very helpful

[@sashawhitehead7378]

I realize I am 2 years ahead now from your workshop, but i have listened to many of your videos over past few days and found them very edifying. I have a couple of family members that are 'very controlling' and fit the bill of all I have heard from you sofar. When I am 'quietly assertive in response ' to their manipulation, they flare up with aggression and 'venom', to a' high contrasting '( black and white) option to an irrational degree. I feel like I am being attacked by a demon psychologically and emotionally it really disturbs me, as I feel helpless, even though I have stood my ground outwardly . Many times I am not even aware of the damage done behind my back and in stealth, but it often makes me feel ill and distressed without knowing what is happening - but then will find out via someone else what has been said or done deliberately to hurt me or discredit me- but with no 'real' meaning or understanding as to why? It seems I am a combination of being psychically sensitive and dumb at same time.I think I am reasonably assertive on my level of personality and nous, but don't know how much effect or impact it really has to these type of personalities. Interestingly, they get very defensive about the tiniest inuendo, after they have slogged me with a sledgehammer and cut me off at the knees! So, I figure they can live with my assertive inform and any insult they may derive. When I am really angry, I usually suck it up until I feel more able to absorb the rationale of it all, then I will take a course of action,depending upon circumstances though- sometimes you just have to bring the truth home- likened to taking a precautionary action in a critical situation.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

very helpful and gentle way of sharing , Much appreciated

[@SusieAspen]

Mom is 93. She's very manipulative and if I don't do what she wants, she writes me out of the inheritance. It I come and take care of her, she writes me back in. When I leave, she writes me out. It's like a nasty yo-yo. I will write a book about it one day. I don't know the ending at this time, but I've just listened to all of your narcissism videos. Thanks, that explains a lot.

[@jen3722]

I told my mom that I didn't want anything or money from her in her will. Keep me out of the game, my siblings will fight over it. I'm out.

[@nicknika490]

I just confronted someone who damaged my property. When I discussed what they had done, they kept denying it and blaming others or pretending they did not know it happened. So.... instead I simply told them what I wanted them to do to help me out. THAT WORKED. I gave them a way to redeem instead of dragging them through what problems they had caused. I AM PLEASED! I still have to clean up their mess but my anger is gone.

[@angealclarke7110]

Hello again x I would like to view my opinion on people,who change who they are to fit in with others. From a very young age,I watched and saw,how differently indeviduals did this,in most situations or with aspects on life,say in conversation.It was a false sense of security to me,not genuine nor authentic in nature. Like a camielion,changing colours,I knew something wasn't good about it. I was able to use this ability through life . As a song,I heard at sixteen,the little worm again lol as you said music to my ears x . From madonna (I see your true colours shining through.) Not all were good colours though ,I stayed away from the dark ones. With your words,being patient,taking the time to see and learn as I grew. I was how ever misled at times ,as I always seen the good in people first ,later to learn,who they truly were. My marriage at 22 for 4 years was one. I learned a very important lesson then,that guided me forward and alert. I was able to reflect back to the experience and how I dealt with feeling and emotions and well being then .And have always used the knoledge given to me ,in every day living. I have been able to leave those situations again and to move on. I believe,we should consider,time is of the essience,which is pure,good and healthy. Believe in what we see and feel. We will see through others colours. As you have guided us with. Be true to your self xxx

[@koetjes8176]

1. How to react when you notice someone trying to control another (third) person? Do you interfere? How? 2. When first meeting people (who are possibly controling), is there a way to convey the message 'I don't wish to be controlled / I won't allow it', without insulting / hurting others (especially those without intend of controlling you).

[@veronicahaney7934]

1. What are some techniques which will allow me to feel safe in a situation with an emotional bully whose interactions are creating an environment that is severely uncomfortable?

[@vesnadjordjevic28]

Ignoring if possible

[@eleanorsantos6253]

Laura D. T

[@eurokay4755]

Veronica Haney - I have a narc older brother, and Mom is his flying monkey enabler. It's been 6 months since I last heard from him, and that was a barrage of insane, aggressive, name-calling, blaming emails. Not the first time, but apparently, the last. It was such an eye-opening revealing moment in which he revealed not only his opinion of me, generally, but also what he thinks my motivations are, and it was in black & white. In the past, he apparently kept these under wraps although he would accuse of, for example, trying to exploit our Mom, and just the accusation would embarrass me so much that I would back away, horrified that I might be perceived that way. I also realize, now, that I actually got an emotional high when he would interact with me in a normal way, joking, relaxed, funny, etc. I would have done anything to get that "happy family" feeling. Now, I realize those interactions were transactional (if we were one-on-one) to advance his interests, or if we were in a group they were superficial and intended to advance others' image of him as a normal, funny guy. I wish this weren't true, but my actual experiences, even interpreted generously toward him, show me that it is - he's a malignant narcissist. The first time since his email outburst that we will have to be together will Thanksgiving, at a very large gathering of extended family. I am preparing for my Mom, who has already tried once to explain his excuse for his behavior for him (a 58 year old man, mind you), to attempt to patch things up between us in some overt ("I want to talk to you two about this") or underhanded way ("Why don't you two set the table/make the coffee?"). I'm struggling with how to head this off without seeming like the unreasonable one, and admit I'm stumped. The other option is to just avoid being ambushed by her for "the talk" by staying with my husband and others the whole time. I have thought a lot about initiating a conversation with him or both of them, but I don't know what the point would be. I've established these boundaries, in the meantime: I will not discuss him with her; I will not participate in a conversation that includes name-calling, humiliating, or blaming me or anyone else and will call that behavior out as the reason I'm ending the conversation. In the meantime, I'm starting a needlepoint project that I can work on when the family is sitting around talking so that I can discreetly grey rock if he iniates a provocative conversation, his specialty. If directly questioned, I can respond, "I hadn't thought about that" or "That's interesting", show no interest in engaging and wait for the topic to change. The key is to recognize the narc's "conversation" trap. It's not a conversation, it's blood sport and the point is to berate, criticize, or frustrate you into reacting ehile demonstrating the narc's superior knowledge, opinion, experience, or wit - that's it, nothing more. Sometimes you can anticipate them: political news, current events, "did you hear about. . ." involving a topic you have little interest, knowledge or experience in, etc., as opposed to "What time is the movie?", for example. Once you identify that it's a narc trap, go grey rock. DO NOT ENGAGE: cede the ground to the narc because you do not care and it doesn't matter if you care, anyway. Just practice saying, "That's interesting" "I hadn't thought about it, so I don't know", and, at most, "That's your opinion. I disagree but you're entitled to your opinion." That's it. Give them nothing emotionally, or of your personal opinion, beliefs, feelings, experiences. . . Nothing at all. They will become bored and move on to torture and bore someone else eventually.

[@l.5832]

@@vesnadjordjevic28 I ignored my narc and he 'stepped it up' to dangerous levels. Be careful what you are willing to ignore. They'll give you something you can't....

[@roseluke7148]

I got tired of years of just all family anything. Really got sick of lies, deception ...I'm not a game player with anyone...will not allow mind games, games of any form, so Wyoming called me...I answered the call...Seattle got too big...just plain ugly...nothing like I was used too...the world is too weird today. I'll keep listening to your info, Les. God bless you❤🙂

[@betty8406]

How much is narcissism a learned behaviour compared to it being a trait you inherited or were born with? This is a great forum you have and I try to listen as much as I can. I really appreciate you sharing this with us. A lot of us have had someone like this in our life and I know I do not want it to have left a permanent mark on me.

[@GS-st9ns]

I was married 25 years to a sociopath so I feel I have seen it all, so I don't have questions but I will look forward to others. In the case of being assertive, I usually tell a person I've been around longer than you, I've been doing this longer than you have and I can handle myself so have a nice day. best if I don't get embroiled in a conversation or an argument with them because it brings me down. I love your videos

[@puresoul1368]

Thanks its not easy to ascert oneself with a toxic person especialy when you have no knowledge what you are dealing with. Its going round and round and in the end its very annoying coz whatever you sau does not count. That leaves one feeling so demoralised and cam easily throw in the towel. Kind of decided to be forceful instead and was getting attention but in a way I was giving them fuel. 1. How does one stay in control when you want the attention of this manipulative individual without being pulled in their circus? 2. How does one help the children who this manipulative toxic person is triangulating and scape goating without being malicious and bias? Being ignorant I may have been judgemental just after coming to learn about narcissism.

[@creeves6957]

“Free To Be!” Can’t wait!

[@ursalaoutrageous9249]

I knew a woman who took assertiveness training, but went overboard fighting anyone and everyone for her rights in every one of several short-lived jobs. She had a college degree but eventually wound up as a retail clerk - but only temporarily. She fought her exhusband through the court system for years until both he and her kids got sick of it and she lost custody and contact with her children. It was very sad.

[@karrisajoss4271]

Thank you for the practical wisdom. I am definitely seeing that my extraverted, perseverant temperament is needing some improvement.

[@rhianjaques9997]

🗣More is LES! Excellent topic and really well explained. Thank you Herr Doktor😁

[@maricamaas5555]

Yes, indeed, it is good in itself to stand up for what one believe, to share how one feel, and to make one's understanding of truth known to others. Self-awareness - to feel what one feel, and to know what one know; this is essential towards recovery from trauma. By speaking forth truthful words, especially when sharing deep emotions, one move towards establishing order out of chaos.

[@KT-fl6op]

How do you talk to someone who is narcissistic and is a family member without getting emotional?

[@heatherwhittaker6169]

State your case and tell them to get back to you.Refuse to argue.

[@perfectday777]

It takes practice but it really helps when we can just stay even in our tone of voice, our facial expressions and body language, and what we say to them. Responding is a lot more effective than reactions, because they are looking for reactions such as guilt, intimidation, anger, etc. Emotional reactions reveals to the toxic person a crack in our armor; which they will use to their own advantage to make us look bad. When we know that what we are doing, or not doing, is the right thing, we can use our courage of conviction to our advantage. As Dr. Carter wisely said, if what we are doing is the right thing, we don't need to "check in with them" or need their approval to proceed with what is right for ourselves; as long as, of course, that we are not making choices that are self-destructive.

[@valeriegriner5644]

@be-set-free That's what I do...write the person a letter. That way, they won't cut you off at the pass before you say what needs to be said.

[@webdoar]

You keep in your mind heart 'this character is a nut case not worth getting excited about. I'm gonna take her/his xxxx as if I'm the psychiatrist opposite a sick patient'

[@barbaramarshall5271]

With great difficulty, my mother is my narc and after her last Vesuvius event I am no longer talking to her. I have tried to keep my three children away from her with mixed success from my middle child but my eldest and my youngest do not see her. If I get us further away from her I would. I have nothing to say because she doesn't deserve it.

[@darlenerego70]

"Free to be"!! I'm looking forward to that. Thanks Dr C!!! About control== I get anxious when I am aware he's trying to control. I think I stay in the room longer than necessary. What do you think I should do? Is there something in particular that I could say?

[@addapavan5200]

Helpful video. Thank you😄

[@Josh-pe5pl]

Question: Dealing with a partner who isn't a team player on a 2-person project, thereby stalling progress--not even baby steps.

[@KVNwriter]

I understand this is an older post, but here are my two questions all the same; 1. What if the person becomes violent? Screaming, accusing, using a fist to convince you that they are the one who is 'right' about everything? 2. How does one handle it when you know this is happening to someone else you love and care about and all their 'flying monkey's' arrange for you to be thought not minding your own business?

[@l.5832]

1. If it is threats you could try filming it on your phone. If they actually hit or punch, call the cops. Period. Mine grabbed the phone out of my hand and threw it across the room but cops able to trace. They didn't do much but it was documented and that's what I wanted. He got scared he might lose his job if I pressed charges. I used that to keep him inline til I could leave. 2.. Who cares what they think? Flying monkeys will destroy your reputation regardless of what you do, so do what you want.

[@amysnyder4670]

This question is for the series beginning 9-12-19 . I'm trying to make sense of how I treat myself as I try to move forward. Knowing that I am an imperfect human, I expect my brokeness to get better! How do I set good expectations for myself?

[@tanyadavis6138]

I used to think that there was a fine line between assertive and aggression. With maturity and the help of qualified therapists, ( like Dr. Carter) I now know there is a universe of difference. I was programmed in a family that assertiveness led to aggressiveness. I am happy and content without the controllers.

[@juliamolony6285]

How do I join the workshop? 1.What are some personal techniques, mantras, quick little sayings,I can practice or rehearse before I engage with my controlling partner when I have an uncomfortable topic to discuss? 2. Maybe some more self affirming sayings to practice. Thank you, Dr Carter!

[@shakengrain1942]

1. How do I get rid of bitterness five years post-divorce from covert narcissist? Married 23 years. Issues with teenage children keep rubbing salt in wounds. 2. Ex waited til children were "old enough to choose", bought oldest a car, gave her credit card and turned her loose at 16. Of course she went with him. She is showing malignant narcissist traits, very hostile/blaming/alienating of others, haven't seen her in 2years/limited contact via texting. She is now 23. Youngest, now 19, stayed with me 2 years, then "mama's boy" shaming from big sister and ex's family at age 14 when he was reaching puberty convinced him to go with them also. He shows more and more selfish traits, uncooperative the longer he stays with them. Though he has always been more emotionally-connected, compassionate than the older sister, I can't discern whether it is his "teenage years rebellion" or more permanent narcissistic patterns developing. Devastating to me that children would choose to go with him. They even saw him shove me up against the refrigerator with his hands around my neck, saying "I'm going to kill you". Is there ever a point when you let the children go too? Or is it important that I "take some disrespect" from them in order to maintain contact to perhaps develop healthier relationships later? My instincts are telling me I will never be healthy again until I leave it all behind and start over somewhere else.

[@JRCancio]

I have found, when dealing with a controlling or manipulating individual, is first review how their work contribution is vital to the overall complete working paradigm - then I work the conversation into what their attempt at control work modification will possibly affect those paradigms and the people that work with them - alteration can be good or bad - the object to make that person understand why things are done the way they are done - making them see that alteration may be a good thing or bad...individual must have critical thinking ability and not function with emotion and the object is never to damage their self esteem. That said toxic individuals, always critical of others or causing damage to work environment and operational paradigms, those who use intimidation and mocking of other employees, should be removed/terminated. Best technique in that is to make think their contributions would best be suited with a company more suitable to their way of thinking.

[@mya5980]

Thank you!

[@FairyTheGreenOne]

Excellent explanation and guidance. What techniques might I use when a person uses the silent treatment day after day when they don't get their way even though I have asserted myself sensibly and clearly. What techniques might I use when a person relentlessly badgers me face to face and using texts and calls, even though I have asserted myself clearly and sensibly? Much appreciated, Dr Carter.

[@danecustance2734]

Your insight is helpful thanks.

[@ozzyoz5210]

My belongings are constantly being taken and hidden from me until my spouse gets his way. I'm injured and leaving isn't an option for me. I've spoken nicely, nothing! His entire family, I feel bullies me. My spouse moved out of the bedroom into another part of the house, when his mother told him to, I would've left, due to the wrong behavior, my injuries will not allow that! What's the answer?

[@MissGamSurvives]

Sirley Ray Take your belongings to someone you can thrust. Do it bit by bit until you can leave. Go grey rock. It will be hard at first. . But you havent got a good life as it is now.. So what will lose? Be careful about relationships you enter later. Keep your indipendence.

[@Texasborn99]

I would burn his shit in the back yard while he watched

[@tranquility9325]

Sirley Ray he's never going to change. If you can walk away, that's going to be your best bet.

[@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih]

Sirley Ray - a woman's refuge...maybe? Do NOT let on...as other person said....move it out but by bit... Hide ALL tracks....bank accounts etc. Ensure you have some money if you can. Spare car keys. Change All phone nos. And I do NOT like the sound of his mother. Typical that they have an accomplice as they are such cowards. Please Please get away. Remember we too have; many of us done exact same. I would NOT hesitate if a husband. I did it as my mother & have now lost most my family but I needed to live My own life away from her ABUSE. All Control is abuse ...no matter how subtle. I responded as I reacted to ur comments about taken possessions of YOURS...as my mother did this. I actually left my walking shoes up there...at theirs...to save having to take to theirs on the plane. 1st time never noticed- fave boots....GONE! before every trip back she'd go in and in about not bringing too much in my case...so I'd end up having to borrow Her clothes... Once her shoes which had to waddle about in as top big. Tried again & left Merrell walkers....get there...& gone! I lost it! She them got out a fatigue with My same shoes in and asked if she could replace them. They were dear. It is all to derail us. My Dad now has dementia....because of her- I feel....She drove him to loose his mind. We are fuel to them

[@MichelleVisageOnlyFans]

Leaving is ALWAYS an option, Sirley Ray!!! You only have this one life. Live it in peace and happiness. Not under the negative, toxic influence of a controlling, manipulative, abusive narcissistic freak! By starving them of their power you'll regain yours!!! By leaving you'll take their narc supply. Never contact them again and never ever look back. Decide for yourself that your life will be a happy and peaceful one and without them! PERIOD.

[@shirleysiegrist552]

My mom and my daughter are very high on the narcissistic spectrum. My daughter has also been diagnosed in previous years with borderline personality. I have always been there for her helped her through rehab for drugs, many other social agencies in our area. I took her and my granddaughter in to live with me so they could get back on their feet. Nothing I do is ever enough or ever right. My daughter is also my mom is flying monkey and vice versa. I limit contact as much as possible for my own well-being however I love my granddaughter deeply and I have been very closely involved with her since my daughter’s pregnancy. I really raised her until my daughter wanted to get involved with her in third grade. She manipulates my granddaughter against me and Ruins every wonderful thing for my granddaughter such as her birthday celebrations. She is threatened and jealous of every thing I do and at the same time nothing I do is ever right or enough. How do I maintain a relationship with my 13-year-old granddaughter in this scenario? She lives in a residential setting.We have lovely times together before she goes to see her mother but then her mother brainwashes her against me and change his plans that we have made. Sometimes I don’t get to see her for holidays. I want to be free of both of these women but my granddaughter is what keeps me engaged. I also am 65 years old and then the only thing that has kept my family together these many years. I use boundaries whenever possible. It is also very complicated because of my granddaughter. What are some ways I can take care of myself while also treading gently around the narcissist to be able to have quality time with my granddaughter?

[@jenniferanne8338]

Yes. He wanted to talk to my therapist for my benefit to tell her who he thinks I am🤷‍♀️

[@annthelen]

What do you do when a person is Narcissistic and threatening damage you or your children or others financially, socially, physically, emotionaly or spiritually (as in getting an unhealthy church leadership to 'catechize' or 'set right' 'scripturally') ?

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

From personal experience... the short short version is the useless "It depends"... (So, let's leave that behind and say "we did"...) IF... You're a member of this church, quit. Find a different church (if and as necessary) and get out. Provision to that, LEAVE this lunatic behind. *NOTE... Some congregations allow for "formal grievances" with the internal offices of leadership. If it's a "legit" form of spiritual leadership, ANYONE can make such a grievance and seek help... SO depending on your situation and personal connections, you can make that move... (it's only "Can", not that it's a guarantee to work)... IF... On the other hand, you are NOT a member of this church, CALL THE POLICE and put formal grievance, complaint, or dispute ON PAPER against this person and their church... Black and white, legally documented complaints of threat or abuse are COURT official, and give YOU the credibility of trying (at least) to settle in civilized terms... In this scenario, once you start calling the Cops DO NOT STOP, and agree to NO EXCUSES. Authorities are authorities to be used, and they can't very well be responsible for "keeping the peace" if they don't have any knowledge of the war raging on their own streets. While it's true that most Police have "real criminals" to chase after, there are dedicated hours and resources already available for that sort of business, AND they're still required BY LAW to dispense personnel and resources to help YOU, too. Don't let the uniforms fool you, Cops (occasionally) like to make excuses and be useless, just like the rest of the public... so don't let them... AND don't give the lunatic a "pass" even because "it's just that one time this one evening"... NOPE, once is wrong ENOUGH. IF... You or your friends, children, whomever is targeted, is some part of some "alternative lifestyle" type minority... AND churches have a sordid passion about those kinds of things, it is worth noting that this minority persona is NOT an excuse for Police neglect, NOR does it constitute any reasons arguable for abuses or criminal activity. YOU MOST CERTAINLY can request an officer accompany you to the church in question, so you can inform the Preacher or Spiritual Leadership (whoever) that they and their whole congregation are NO LONGER WELCOME in your life, or anywhere near your property. Say it cleanly, clearly, and as calmly as possible. Explain the threats of violence and violation against the people you are protecting and that ANY God you would deem worthy of worship is a bigger man than the kind of reckless feckless bullying shit-disturber to condemn to death those people for so silly and stupid a reason as mentioned. You can even add that "It's a very large world, so there's no reason for the two of us to cross paths again, Preacher... See to it." *Note... Here it's absolutely imperative that the Officer is also present and attentive enough to pick up your clear communication. Make sure he can attest that there is NO chance of misconstruing or misinterpreting your direct message. THEN get out... You still have to do YOUR part in this one-sided agreement and make sure it's POSSIBLE for the church and all within to avoid you too. Now, all that said, and direct actions taken. Police on speed-dial and everything, it's probably a great idea to make "buddy buddy" with just about anyone and everyone in uniform... There are ways to show support and even (legally) offer friendship and understanding to those who persevere a life with a badge. It's also worth noting that they can't just "materialize" on the spot with a phone call, either... In some instances, when you are afraid, it's going to mean "WAR"... There's only so far you CAN back down. AND sometimes (in all hopes that it should NEVER come to this) but sometimes you have to MAKE A MESS, so make a BIG MESS... and that's about all I can suggest. ;o)

[@suzesinger6762]

@@gnarthdarkanen7464 ......Pheeeeew. Ya suuuure did YOOOOUR RESEARCH, Hun ¡¿¡♡♡😊😉

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

@@suzesinger6762, thanks... I'll go ahead and offer consolation over the length here. I can't exactly apologize, because the length is for purpose, "precision"... as best I could offer it. AND to be sure, it comes from the kinds of research I've had "thrust" upon me, a lot of which I not only hope never to have to do again, but wouldn't wish on anyone... I can only hope it helps. ;o)

[@user-dm4kn9md7q]

LEAVE.

[@sandi5276]

too bad for me that Dr. Carter does not do online counseling. The narcissist in my life truly does not know they are, and I have never been successful at balance with them; its horrible; it is so far from my comfort zone because of the horrific rath that goes from 0 to category five before one can even blink. And now this person has typhoon'd their way in again, and I am just not ready for the total annihilation of my peace of mind when I say no to what that person has decided i 'should' do.... But I'm going to. ...pray (to whichever higher powere y'all believe in) for me!

[@dicta2974]

How to deal legally with constant harassment at your place of living? What strategies to use at the workplace against narcissistic woman who is your boss?

[@christinehaigh9807]

X is so difficult & exasperating that I had to remove myself from him. It definitely is maddening for most people, I've seen where others would roll their eyes at the X and walk away from him.

[@LilachLavy-Emanuel]

THANK YOU, LES.

[@juliemclean6266]

Hello, I'm quite new to your channel but so far these videos have been very helpful and insightful. A question I would ask is ,- I've been no contact from my cruel narc mother for 1 year now and everything in my life has improved especially physical and mental health now I find out she's in intensive care with pneumonia and at 75 years old and only 42kgms she's frail and let's face it she could die. Im feeling guilty for not going to her bedside but at the same time she makes me ill and the thought of being in same room as her churns me up inside, she's awefull, I know people probably think I should go to see her but they don't understand what's gone on here. Some of them do understand because they've seen it but most folk just can't see what's so bad. Should I go see her or should just carry on moving forward.? Thanks again.xx

[@l.5832]

My mom is 95 and very frail. Three years ago I told her if she wanted to see me, let me know or let someone else know and I will come. Never heard a peep from her. I was discarded and she wants nothing to do with me. I keep hoping for a change of heart but it is up to her and I'm sure she will never contact.

[@lulucolby8882]

I know it’s been a few years, but is there any way I can watch your “Free to Be” series? I find it very difficult to practice assertiveness with a controlling narc. They do NOT like that I have my differences of opinion. Even though I’ll walk on eggshells to say things while standing up for my beliefs - I’ll be called argumentative, or worse, they’ll become abusive. This series sounds like it would be extremely helpful. Thank you for what you do Dr. Carter.

[@caleuxx9108]

Controlling people and behavior - I would like to state, that my personal experience is not only with overt controlling strategies by controllers, but also that there are forms of covert control - manipulation of the situation by forgetting to do something, by being late, by other passive-aggressive actions - they dont assertively say, what they want and need or disagree with something but then on the back end they manipulate the situation (by forgetting, being late, etc.), which usually puts conscientious people into uncomfortable situations. A basic trait of this covert manipulation is poor communication. The result is, that it is not possible to trust these people and their actions create chaos. I wish there was more out there about these forms of manipulation.