My husband is a DA and I am an FA. HORRIBLE dynamic. He is incredibly dismissive and indifferent to me, and after 30 years I am truly over it. My childhood family were all DAs as well so I’ve felt dismissed, unsupported and belittled my entire life. The only connection my husband wants is the physical one. He did show up as empathetic when we met - or at least maybe I just read that when it wasn’t really there. Looking back it probably really only was ever physical for him. He never would put me first. If we are with other people no matter who, and we are discussing something he will side with them over me and will NEVER back me up. No one in my life ever has had my back. I don’t know if I can keep living the rest of my life with so little authentic connection any more. I’m tired of feeling lonely and disrespected in my own home. I would be happier alone. It’s difficult to detach now though because of finances and children. But I am seriously contemplating living in a car. It does feel like a slow silent death to me living with him though.

This is me. The reason I say I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be in the relationship is because that's true. I can detach and leave a person and never see them again pretty easily. So if I'm there that means something. And all I really want from a partner is for them to be there too. I don't want more than that so I don't understand why the other person does. Just be there and have my back and I'll do the same. What else is there?

This was a mess and nothing to do with the title of the video

I'm totally a DA dude. I hated EFT couples therapy. I don't care about my own feelings. I really don't care about others feelings. I only care about behaving kindly and honorably. If I have behaved well and someone is unhappy with me, screw them. Their feelings are their problem.

MGTOW, that’s why.

Of course it is okay! This is the very reality of my marriage. Such practice should become more and more common.

Lovey video!

Thank you ❤

the fearful avoidant i was dating wasnt anything like this.. this was extreme

My x was with my step brother weird

Spot on she textes me fkd up shit

Okay we need to differentiate between fa and abuse... Never have I ever expected people to buy things for me, nor have I hit anyone or abused anyone. I do have a problem with the hot/cold situation, because as soon as things get to close emotionally, I get very very avoidant (protective mechanism). And once enough distance is created, I feel insecure again. Like an out of whack pendulum. I usually try to communicate this problem openly, but it still sucks and I need to work on it. I do not have bipolar, most likely a big case of cptsd though. But please don't generalize fa with abuse. Thank you

it always kicks in at the 4-6 week mark for me and ruins it with amazing people. I got broken up by a securely attached man who really cared about me and liked me after 2 months of dating, I had deactivated and started acting cold, distant and critical. I didn't tell him I was triggered and he must have assumed I hated him or something, he broke it off saying he 'didn't develop feelings' which I struggle to believe. I really don't know how to stop this pattern, it ruins my life, breaks my heart and others hearts.

This is my sister.

it did help. keep up the good work

As an FA that has decided to get better.. and is working hard. To people dating an FA that has yet to wake up, take good care of yourself. I wasn't nearly as bad as she described (I always did my best), but ended up hurting my ex emotionally all the same... I vow to be better

The fearful avoidant attachment style does not make you a narcissist or a borderline, excuse me! The fact that your said that makes me not trust anything else you say here.

Thank you for this video. I’m currently in an interracial relationship. Been in one other one before so has my partner. He had a child with the person in his past relationship. Though his ex and I are both Mexican American… we were raised very differently… he has negative connotations from his past experience and I think the hardest part has been for me to tell him to give my family a clean slate opportunity without categorizing his past experience with a Mexican American family and my family.

Im not a therapist but this sounds so much more like a dismissive avoidant no?

Hey doc, what attachment style are you? 😅

I’ve watched numerous videos about this attachment style and you’re the first to make me feel like some broken unlovable assh0le for having this style. Glad you’re not my therapist.

Why my fearful avoidant want a child from me?

So, as an FA, I'm watching your video, trying to do something about it. Then I hear, "those people who are involved with fearful-avoidants, I really feel sorry for you". It's like, all of a sudden I'm invisible, and listening to myself being talked about.

Literally not what says in the title, and also incredibly insensitive.

What if there is good reason for their behaviour... Like being involved with a selfish narcissist...?

That line at the end, “I help you become one again.” 👌🏾 Delighted that I have found your channel.

Wow. This explains so much! As I heal from codependency I find myself unavailable for fearful avoidants.

As a Therapist who wrote my Dissertation on Trauma Awareness & Attachment. I can say that It’s evident in the example utilized in this video is extreme and may include other factors such as disordered personality syndromes and extreme C-PTSD. Not just attachment theory. Although yes, unresolved disordered attachment (fearful in adulthood) can resemble these extremities. It’s subtleties that one needs to recognize to heal and should be expressed in context to the general public, as open forums for self-diagnosing or worse others, is a +\- and us professionals should be mindful of information dumping. In my professional opinion.

While I appreciate the intention of the video, it appears to lack a professional and objective tone. The exaggerated and hyperbolic style, along with the perceived judgment towards clients with the fearful avoidant attachment style, makes it difficult to gain useful insights. Maintaining a balanced and objective approach is crucial in educational content. It's important for therapists to be non-judgmental and empathetic... For those wanting to actually learn something about this attachement style, I'd suggest watching Thais Gibson's videos :)

I'm not quite sure who the intended audience is for this video, but I'm eft to wonder if it could be just downright awful for a person with fearful to hear. I do not doubt the therapist's knowledge and expetise on the subject as everything described fits what other videos descirbe. And i can only assume the video was made with good intentions to help heal the world or at least prevent it from being negatively affected by fearful avoidants. I'm not a therapist but i can only guess that any diagnosis or label covers a spectrum. Yet rhe therspist chose to name some very stark examples of her clients. Even though it is said to be "not insurmountable" there sounds to be at minimal a hint of not just judgement but condemnation. It is never right for one human to harm another human not just as in those stark example but in anyway at all. However fearful avoidants by defintion suffer from a sense of unworthiness and shame. I don't know what the labels "these people" or "those people" are meant to confer. Again i can only assume the video was made with good intentions and mesnt to help. But with all honesty, i am left wondering who is inteneded as the target audience and how it's supposed to help. Thank you.

I agree! Texting is not enough if you really want to work through your emotions

Wow!!!!! You just described my Fiancée she says the exact same things.

I have this attachment style. Never had any committed relationship. Always physical em away. Am I fucked?

Wow it's me and my LDR Boyfriend. It has gotten better. We have talked a lot. It feels like we know each other very well and I am the first person who got to him. I still have the feeling he is a bit avoidant. I have just found your videos. They should earn more good ratings. Are you doing online appointments? ❤

Most of what she is describing is BPD

My ex would claim to be affectionate, but she actually wasn't.. She could be in spots. However intimacy to her was pretty much just sex. She wouldn't kiss me very often.

I am AP my ex GF was FA I tried to build her up with telling her SHE IS WORTHY I never got through and anyone meeting her would see a Beautiful Smart Kind Wonderful person. but she could not see it herself. still breaks my heart I know she hurts, and thus hurts those she dates.

This does seem like a very professional assessment to me, and it sounds like she’s describing extreme cases for the shock value.

This was a pretty bleak outlook for those of us with c-ptsd, BPD and fearful avoidant attachment style. Healing is possible… help is available… you are not condemned to a lifetime of painful relationships. Seek out a trauma-informed therapist and be gentle on yourself. You are worthy of love and respect especially if you didn’t get enough of it as a child.

thank you for this video - I am wanting a relationship - a guy who loves me but I'm afraid - afraid to lose my independence and afraid to not make good boundaries ❤️

As a fearful avoidant I think the intensity of the relationship was misconstrued with a mix of borderline personality disorder, I am very aware of my emotions and though my parents were violent I’ve never been violent and never felt like I wanted to express these awful behaviors nor extort people to prove safety or be overly sexual to assure a connection, it’s always watching to see if I’m safe to be emotionally vulnerable with someone and after proving that I’m safe, something would happen where I felt I couldn’t feel safe whether I’m misinterpreting the situation or not and stop being warm but frustrated I suddenly couldn’t feel safe when I still need safety with someone, that’s where the conflict comes from but I see how it could be interpreted as hot or cold when the truth of it we always want that emotional connection, we just never trust the long term security of that connection once we find it and can never rest or settle ourselves into it because of the unpredictable nature of our childhoods where we were forced to find security in someone we were afraid of, someone who may or may not meet our emotional needs that day without a clear indication as to what causes that person to meet our needs or not, we see all relationships as something to walk on eggshells around and there’s a limit to our vulnerability, where trust doesn’t come easy and we easily feel betrayed only after giving some of our trust away, I would never react in a way someone with borderline personality does when they feel their intense emotions, but it doesn’t mitigate how strongly I feel my emotions and my confusion when wanting intimacy but not trusting myself or someone else to be completely healthy when a connection is starting to form since I am so sensitive to rejection but expressed privately or as insecure in romantic relationships, I honestly was just trying to see in this video how it affects my sex life and this did nothing.

My mother beat me for making Bs On my report card..I was an only child. I stayed in 2 relationships totally 30 years but I’m AP. Thank you for your channel I’m just now finding out about attachment styles. It explains so much and my personality. This past 2 years I’ve had a number of people ask me “How is it someone as beautiful as you can be single…one person ask me straight out..why are you single?” He asked me in such a way that it devastated me in such a way I sat alone and asked myself…what’s wrong with me? I started on the journey to find the answer and it led me here. 😢😢😢I’m glad I’m finding out my issue so I can heal before I ever try to date again. I owe my self and the next person that.

This honestly made cry. I am really trying to work with myself and my fearful avoidant attachment style. I’ve never hit or abused my boyfriend, I’m going to therapy every week, and one of the things I’m working on most is reflection and growth. I’m a huge people pleaser which has been one of my biggest issues. I’m really just trying to make a happy life for myself. The way you describe “these people” as you call them, is really harsh. I understand that most narcissistic and antisocial people also suffers from FA, but I wish you could’ve been more open towards the fact that there’s a lot of us who’s really just terrified of love and being rejected, there is a lot of us who isn’t abusive, who isn’t without empathy, and really just hurting. I would never in a million years physically or emotionally abuse my boyfriend, I’m very aware of the different ways a person could abuse their partner, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. and to me that is the most terrifying thing I could ever be, because then I would be just like my own abusers. Therefor I am not like that.. I was clicking on this video because I thought you had some tools or insight on the issue, but really you just made me feel even more unlovable and like a monster.

I lack consistency. Sometimes, I feel like I only use people tbh. When I don’t need them anymore, it seems pointless to keep them around…

Thank you for being brutally honest! I could not understand for the life of me how this man could be so loving then acted like he hated my guts the next minute then begged me to stay the next minute! Like whaaaa! I literally thought I was crazy smh. No accountability at all, he’s ALWAYS the victim, I can go on and on smh and no, I am not the first. Unfortunately I am the one who’s stayed around the longest though

I don't think I have low self esteem but I can get insicure at some point when dating

The volume is low...

Growing up, I used to (and sometimes still do this as a 24 year old woman) but I’d always friendzone the men I extremely liked or gaslight my own feelings toward them in an effort to avoid my own emotions because I always hated the anxiety I’d get when I truly desired someone. So in reality I’ve never dated anyone I actually liked, I’d just push them away because I can’t handle all the feelings or sometimes settle for a friends with benefits so that I could be half in half out….It’s overwhelming. When I was in high school I’d go as for to introduce them to my friends (recipe for disaster)

I don’t say it to them, but I definitely find myself saying it in my head during moments of extreme anxiety when it comes to trying to manage my feelings for them. I will bring up all their flaws (in my head) as an attempt to think less of them to help detach myself when I feel like I’m growing too attached especially when I’m unsure if my romantic feelings are being reciprocated.

Thank you so much for this video. I am a FA and recently made a friend who is also FA. We got really close and she really opened up to me, now a month later and it feels like she can barely look at me. We were so connected and now so distant, so scared of making it worse and pushing her away for good😳 going through some stuff myself at the moment which can make me unaware. Just don’t know weather to still message her or leave her be for a while?