Advice from a Therapist: Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style in the Bedroom

Chantelcohen.com
Chantel Cohen is a therapist/ life coach for individuals; an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) couples counselor, and an executive communications coach/facilitator. She assists clients with self-improvement and career advancement. Her clients include individuals, couples, and groups in corporate and therapeutic settings.

[@Releonora]

This honestly made cry. I am really trying to work with myself and my fearful avoidant attachment style. I’ve never hit or abused my boyfriend, I’m going to therapy every week, and one of the things I’m working on most is reflection and growth. I’m a huge people pleaser which has been one of my biggest issues. I’m really just trying to make a happy life for myself. The way you describe “these people” as you call them, is really harsh. I understand that most narcissistic and antisocial people also suffers from FA, but I wish you could’ve been more open towards the fact that there’s a lot of us who’s really just terrified of love and being rejected, there is a lot of us who isn’t abusive, who isn’t without empathy, and really just hurting. I would never in a million years physically or emotionally abuse my boyfriend, I’m very aware of the different ways a person could abuse their partner, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. and to me that is the most terrifying thing I could ever be, because then I would be just like my own abusers. Therefor I am not like that.. I was clicking on this video because I thought you had some tools or insight on the issue, but really you just made me feel even more unlovable and like a monster.

[@allymcbealx]

Sending you hugs.. I too felt the reference "these people, these folk" was harsh. .

[@Releonora]

@@allymcbealx I’m glad I’m not the only one. Thank you☀️

[@lisalee6501]

@Rebekka Leonora she described a borderline personality disorder here, not FA if you ask me. I know a girl with BPD which is like she described and extremely toxic and hate you/love you and selfish, but i’ve never met a FA acting like this, they are often high in empathy and people please

[@Releonora]

@@lisalee6501 I also suffer from BPD which is something a lot of fearful avoidant do. Again it’s just discriminating and judging people based on gossip and single experiences. I know people like myself, who suffers from BPD and still has issues with people pleasing and high empathy levels. Being without empathy isn’t a direct symptom of BPD, it can be, since we’re dealing with people who suffers from trauma and a childhood where they didn’t have a lot of empathy to reflect in themselves, but lack of empathy is in many cases not an issue. It doesn’t matter if she talked about FA or BPD, it still gives the same result if one chooses to look at people who suffers from this with such a close minded perspective.

[@Releonora]

It’s important that everybody takes caution and takes care of themselves. No one should stay in toxic relationships and no one should suffer abuse from their partner, no matter the diagnose. But when one chooses to state that “BPD is extremely toxic”, keep in mind that you’re also targeting a lot of individuals who is broken people, suffering from something they cannot control, only bringing more shame to their table next to the shame they already have. A lot of people with BPD and FA is doing their best to heal, and it certainly doesn’t help, that people who has seen one or two examples of a worst case individual with the diagnosis, to judge every one of us based on somebody else’s actions. We are still individual people, with different minds and personalities. A diagnosis doesn’t make a new species

[@breemds]

As a Therapist who wrote my Dissertation on Trauma Awareness & Attachment. I can say that It’s evident in the example utilized in this video is extreme and may include other factors such as disordered personality syndromes and extreme C-PTSD. Not just attachment theory. Although yes, unresolved disordered attachment (fearful in adulthood) can resemble these extremities. It’s subtleties that one needs to recognize to heal and should be expressed in context to the general public, as open forums for self-diagnosing or worse others, is a +\- and us professionals should be mindful of information dumping. In my professional opinion.

[@mareehutchin2702]

This was a pretty bleak outlook for those of us with c-ptsd, BPD and fearful avoidant attachment style. Healing is possible… help is available… you are not condemned to a lifetime of painful relationships. Seek out a trauma-informed therapist and be gentle on yourself. You are worthy of love and respect especially if you didn’t get enough of it as a child.

[@therealkeinemoniker]

the fearful avoidant i was dating wasnt anything like this.. this was extreme

[@SportPups101]

As a fearful avoidant I think the intensity of the relationship was misconstrued with a mix of borderline personality disorder, I am very aware of my emotions and though my parents were violent I’ve never been violent and never felt like I wanted to express these awful behaviors nor extort people to prove safety or be overly sexual to assure a connection, it’s always watching to see if I’m safe to be emotionally vulnerable with someone and after proving that I’m safe, something would happen where I felt I couldn’t feel safe whether I’m misinterpreting the situation or not and stop being warm but frustrated I suddenly couldn’t feel safe when I still need safety with someone, that’s where the conflict comes from but I see how it could be interpreted as hot or cold when the truth of it we always want that emotional connection, we just never trust the long term security of that connection once we find it and can never rest or settle ourselves into it because of the unpredictable nature of our childhoods where we were forced to find security in someone we were afraid of, someone who may or may not meet our emotional needs that day without a clear indication as to what causes that person to meet our needs or not, we see all relationships as something to walk on eggshells around and there’s a limit to our vulnerability, where trust doesn’t come easy and we easily feel betrayed only after giving some of our trust away, I would never react in a way someone with borderline personality does when they feel their intense emotions, but it doesn’t mitigate how strongly I feel my emotions and my confusion when wanting intimacy but not trusting myself or someone else to be completely healthy when a connection is starting to form since I am so sensitive to rejection but expressed privately or as insecure in romantic relationships, I honestly was just trying to see in this video how it affects my sex life and this did nothing.

[@SM-nc2pt]

This does seem like a very professional assessment to me, and it sounds like she’s describing extreme cases for the shock value.

[@age93]

Does or doesn’t? If the latter, I strongly agree. She isn’t describing the style in a unbiased, compassionate manner whatsoever. Making references to taboo, negative behaviours and conditions without further context is pushing a harmful narrative that creates more misunderstandings and barriers for these individuals to receive the much needed support.

[@juliaesposito7359]

Yes!!! I agree. And for her to say we MUST see a therapist to be healed. That’s expensive and discriminatory to those of us who can’t afford therapy but want to heal on our own. Yes, a therapist could push the healing forward faster but we can still do what we can on our own

[@sasb3675]

it always kicks in at the 4-6 week mark for me and ruins it with amazing people. I got broken up by a securely attached man who really cared about me and liked me after 2 months of dating, I had deactivated and started acting cold, distant and critical. I didn't tell him I was triggered and he must have assumed I hated him or something, he broke it off saying he 'didn't develop feelings' which I struggle to believe. I really don't know how to stop this pattern, it ruins my life, breaks my heart and others hearts.

[@Leispada]

As an FA that has decided to get better.. and is working hard. To people dating an FA that has yet to wake up, take good care of yourself. I wasn't nearly as bad as she described (I always did my best), but ended up hurting my ex emotionally all the same... I vow to be better

[@toluadeboye3787]

Growing up, I used to (and sometimes still do this as a 24 year old woman) but I’d always friendzone the men I extremely liked or gaslight my own feelings toward them in an effort to avoid my own emotions because I always hated the anxiety I’d get when I truly desired someone. So in reality I’ve never dated anyone I actually liked, I’d just push them away because I can’t handle all the feelings or sometimes settle for a friends with benefits so that I could be half in half out….It’s overwhelming. When I was in high school I’d go as for to introduce them to my friends (recipe for disaster)

[@tee7118]

Thank you for being brutally honest! I could not understand for the life of me how this man could be so loving then acted like he hated my guts the next minute then begged me to stay the next minute! Like whaaaa! I literally thought I was crazy smh. No accountability at all, he’s ALWAYS the victim, I can go on and on smh and no, I am not the first. Unfortunately I am the one who’s stayed around the longest though

[@BrentThomasFit]

That line at the end, “I help you become one again.” 👌🏾 Delighted that I have found your channel.

[@philima]

Okay we need to differentiate between fa and abuse... Never have I ever expected people to buy things for me, nor have I hit anyone or abused anyone. I do have a problem with the hot/cold situation, because as soon as things get to close emotionally, I get very very avoidant (protective mechanism). And once enough distance is created, I feel insecure again. Like an out of whack pendulum. I usually try to communicate this problem openly, but it still sucks and I need to work on it. I do not have bipolar, most likely a big case of cptsd though. But please don't generalize fa with abuse. Thank you

[@jetlira8106]

While I appreciate the intention of the video, it appears to lack a professional and objective tone. The exaggerated and hyperbolic style, along with the perceived judgment towards clients with the fearful avoidant attachment style, makes it difficult to gain useful insights. Maintaining a balanced and objective approach is crucial in educational content. It's important for therapists to be non-judgmental and empathetic... For those wanting to actually learn something about this attachement style, I'd suggest watching Thais Gibson's videos :)

[@jetlira8106]

this video by Kim Sage is also very very helpful : kzbin.info/www/bejne/gHXCq3dsd7xprJI

[@Jay-xv5wj]

You just can’t handle the truth about yourself. You want to be told that your a good person ( aka be coddled and pampered) you need to be able to hear the ugly, it’s hard and it’s painful , but it’s helpful information

[@zionrose007]

Wow. This explains so much! As I heal from codependency I find myself unavailable for fearful avoidants.

[@michaelpatrickmilligan]

So, as an FA, I'm watching your video, trying to do something about it. Then I hear, "those people who are involved with fearful-avoidants, I really feel sorry for you". It's like, all of a sudden I'm invisible, and listening to myself being talked about.

[@kerrymillar1267]

Look at the personal development school from Thais Gibson. She was FA. She really empathises with this attachment style.

[@brixandblooms]

It takes ALOT of work. That's the truth. It doesn't sound good but that is the truth.

[@katogojira7223]

Spot on she textes me fkd up shit

[@jayhorne283]

This is my sister.

[@DongNguyen-vm6ix]

I'm not quite sure who the intended audience is for this video, but I'm eft to wonder if it could be just downright awful for a person with fearful to hear. I do not doubt the therapist's knowledge and expetise on the subject as everything described fits what other videos descirbe. And i can only assume the video was made with good intentions to help heal the world or at least prevent it from being negatively affected by fearful avoidants. I'm not a therapist but i can only guess that any diagnosis or label covers a spectrum. Yet rhe therspist chose to name some very stark examples of her clients. Even though it is said to be "not insurmountable" there sounds to be at minimal a hint of not just judgement but condemnation. It is never right for one human to harm another human not just as in those stark example but in anyway at all. However fearful avoidants by defintion suffer from a sense of unworthiness and shame. I don't know what the labels "these people" or "those people" are meant to confer. Again i can only assume the video was made with good intentions and mesnt to help. But with all honesty, i am left wondering who is inteneded as the target audience and how it's supposed to help. Thank you.

[@ConfidencePT]

My ex would claim to be affectionate, but she actually wasn't.. She could be in spots. However intimacy to her was pretty much just sex. She wouldn't kiss me very often.

[@janineroux2398]

What if there is good reason for their behaviour... Like being involved with a selfish narcissist...?

[@santosuke]

Literally not what says in the title, and also incredibly insensitive.

[@vanyastaleva415]

The fearful avoidant attachment style does not make you a narcissist or a borderline, excuse me! The fact that your said that makes me not trust anything else you say here.

[@borderlineenarcisisti6134]

Why my fearful avoidant want a child from me?

[@borderlineenarcisisti6134]

He try to make me pregnant and he told me that he would love to have a child from me and that the child would keep us connected… He said also that we have unconditional love bcs he knows me from longtime and i guess he trust me compared to other women but i can feel he is still scared

[@melindamolnar591]

This was a mess and nothing to do with the title of the video