I might be wrong, but stonewalling sounds for me a way to defend from a toxic partner.

Roommate syndrome = when you are married with children.

You know nothing about this issue! I dont appreciate your using the word spinless. Come live under my roof for a week with my wife and then we'll see if you have a more realistic view of this subject.

I don't know what a guy is supposed to do.😢

I dated two of these assholes. They are not nice, but transactional. If you expect favors for your "niceness" then you're not nice. You're a douchebag. If your ex girlfriend is "crazy," it's likely that you drove her to the brink.

A part of me wants to send this to him but a part of me knows it’s a waste of time. This is a great video.

Mutual pleasure. That’s only a memory for me in my 44 year marriage. My wife: been there done that. Not interested. Take care of it yourself. I’m starting to despise her. We’re both Christians. At least, one of us is.

It is adultery and why people don't see it that way is beyond me....there is ZERO COMMITMENT when porn addiction is present

My compliments to a well thought out video. You offer possible remedies to those who can hopefully catch the downhill spiral in time. Might be to late for me as I am old now but doesn’t hurt to try change at any age.

If you put up with it long enough, you will also lose your sex drive. Then just go fishing!😊

I am a fixer and you are very handsome 😮❤

So, when you guys were on your journey to talking about it openly. How many times did you relapse before you stopped completely? Or have you guys stopped? That was never mentioned, whether yall stopped it. My husband just told me recently that he was struggling with self pleasure and porn images. He said he has stopped since then, but i don't believe him. And yes. It has ruined my self-esteem and confidence as a woman. I feel just like the other women who commented. I hold my breath. And i watch his every move. Ive gone as far as downloading an app on his and my phone, that allows me to watch his every move on his phone, texts, searches, pictures, what apps he downloads, what he does on them, even his conversations, ohone and surrounding. I HATE the women this whole thing has turned me into. I feel icky and shamed about who i have become. I have never been the jealous type, nor the type of woman to try and control her partner. But this situation has significantly changed me. And i feel like it's ruining my health in turn. I see the stress put age in my face and weight on my body. Making me feel even more unattractive and worthy. Our age difference doesn't help. We knew each others age from the beginning, but it was discussed and we decided to move forward with dating, then i got pregnant, and he asked me to marry him a mnth after the baby was born. But now hearing he's been hiding this our entire relationship makes me question our ENTIRE relationship and lives together. I truly feel conquored at this point. I've been watching your videos and other videos and reading articles and listening to audios and Podcasts, HOPING to find myself again and to not let this dominate my life. To be able to forgive and move forward... not with one foot our one foot in, as u spoke about in another video, but BOTH feet in! Can you help me??!!! Im desperate for help at this point. And i can tell you now... we have nothing. Lose to $5-10,000 for a rehab for him OR therapy for me....we just need sincere honest humble help!

Not keeping your word is the EXACT same thing as cheating. It is violating the body. You use your eyes to see it don't you? Might as well just go do those things, because in my eyes you already have!

How do you foster a culture of gratitude when you are not able to think positively about your partner during periods of arguments and alrrady have much resentment and feeling unappreciated from your partners consistent mistakes?

Overwork led to overweight , which led to stress then loss of libido. My gf and I became roommates and that killed the relationship…I’m devastated Don’t allow that to happen

No im not like other guys im worse im just better at hiding it 😢

Man, these comments hit home So hard.

"Struggling" is an interesting word. Are they struggling, or do they just enjoy it and don't want to stop. They don't think it affects their life at all. Its just a tool to get the job done.

It is astonishing to me how we bend ourselves into pretzels in an effort to validate and legitimize the concerns of insecure wives by pretending not to see the truth of the matter which is that pornography is merely a form of entertainment that allows a husband to explore his sexual desires without actually going outside of the marriage to do so. All of those sexual things that you are unwilling to do with or for your husband, he gets to do in his head with the assistance of imagery created by people he has no connection to and with whom he has no ability to communicate, so the possibility that his use of pornography will actually turn into cheating with another woman is zero. Pornography provides your husband with the ability to experience augmented sexual fantasies, the very same fantasies that he would be masturbating to in his head if pornography were not available. But because of your insecurities, you want to shut down this avenue of pleasure for your man using a contrived and specious assertion that by watching pornography, he is engaging in an act of infidelity. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is masturbating to images on his screen INSTEAD of cheating on you. If your husband is choosing to masturbate to pornography instead of having sex with you, then I agree that that is a legitimate problem and you have a valid complaint. But if you’re getting your sexual needs met by your husband, then you’ve got no grievance and the issue you have with his use of pornography is nothing more than a reflection of the insecurity you feel about your own sexual market value and desirability. In almost every case, these concerns exist only in your head; your husband does not share them. He’s happy to engage in sexual activity with you for as long and as frequently as you will allow. You have nothing to fear from pornography. Let’s put the shoe on the other foot for a moment, shall we? Imagine your husband became irate and accused you of engaging in an act of marital infidelity because you like to watch romantic comedies or read romance novels. Imagine that your husband makes the assertion that, in his opinion, he should be the sole source of romance in your life and the fact that you’re watching these movies is an indication that you don’t think he’s romantic enough for you, that you are trying to get your needs for romance met outside of the marriage, and that this constitutes marital infidelity. You would recognize this as delusional. If he insisted that you never again watch another romantic comedy, watch another romance movie, read another romance novel, watch a sitcom on television that features romantic activities between lovers, etc., you would (rightly) tell him to go to hell because this is nothing more than a form of entertainment that you take a great deal of delight and pleasure from, it doesn’t pose a threat to the love you feel for him, and it doesn’t mean you are thinking of leaving the marriage. This is how we men feel when you give us ultimatums about watching pornography. Finally, if watching pornography were actually an act of marital infidelity or a form of betrayal of any sort, then husbands would be just as upset with their wives when their wives watch pornography as wives are when their husbands watch pornography (by the way, 1/3 of pornography viewers are women). But they are not; they will be happy to lie next to you in bed and watch pornography with you. Accordingly, the notion that watching pornography is a form of marital infidelity is a concept that exists only in your own mind and nowhere else. Therefore, your husband‘s viewing of pornography is not the problem. You having a problem with him viewing pornography, that is the problem. The solution requires an attitude adjustment on your part, not behavioral modification on his part.

"Im not going to train your spouse like youd train a monkey" 5sec later. "Train them like a gorilla. Because humans and gorillas are apes". Hahahhaha

Relationship should be transactional what’s the point of the relationship if u can’t look to ur partner for validation I understand what he’s saying but I don’t agree I think manipulation can be use in a positive way to get a good outcome in a situation

lol 😂 I thought I was nice but honestly I separate being kind vs deepening relationships. If anyone wants to get close or earning trust from me is you earn. I do not give what people do not deserve. I dealt with guys who do gossip and talk about other people. And I’m just not interested in that kind of crap, I got better ways to spend my time and better people to hang out with that Don’t do that kind of shit. I used to think that how I am now is I’m a selfish asshole, but I’m not thinking that way. I’m thinking, I am a man with value and if you want to be a part of that value, I just ask that you respect me and appreciate me. I do not ask really anything in return if you want to do something nice and I don’t expect anyone else to do anything nice when I do something for someone. I do it simply because I want to and that’s all there is to it, be your own person and be your own man. I just don’t think a nice guy is a real man, I think he is a scared little girl, that thinks way highly of himself and should care more about his own opinion of himself than other people’s opinions.

I’m really really tired of trying and trying, but get nowhere. And I’m tired of listening to these videos!

Like how I'm watching this and some sex AI ad pops up

In my experience, only one person commits to the gratitude and appreciation, making the contempt worse…

This is so me. Always trying to fix other problems for them and walking on eggshells so i can be liked by others. I'm always referred to as the "Nice Guy" I'm a people pleaser and its hard to break this cycle. I feel all I need to do is become an Asshole to ppl and ppl will eventually respect me

Jesus says get the log out of you own eye before you try to take it out of others! Or tell them to take it out! Yay God!!

I ate our cat now she wants to divorce 😢

Thank you for the clarifying the difference between sharing your thoughts and sharing your feelings. This is the first video I've seen from you, but I'm now subscribing to your channel. Is there a link for the next video you referred to?

Nah after I became honest with my gf just left me instead of wanting to help me be better and get better, fulfilling my worst fear about her

we sleep in different rooms. havent had sex in months. and months before that. i dont even know him anymore. if i had the financial means to leave i would. but i dont. So i look on the bright side of things. and make tn best of it.

what if roomate syndrome is the only syndrome you have had in a 11+ year relationship. you have kids. so its easier to become the roommate that it is to actually leave

yeah, we have roommate syndrome because we have not had intentional one on one time in 11+ years. not even 1 date night. this is what he wants not me. i tried to have time with him. he gets angry and says im nagging him. so yeah. i became an unexpected roommate in my own life story

How do you do this with an alcoholic or husband who has lost it. Abandons his wife & child and shacks up with a squatter and sleeps with her, then says its none of your business. Leaves the house with all the bills to you. Then you tell him he cannot bring his squatter whatever girlfriend to any of the properties to help him work. Irs disrespectful when you are married!! He says he loves me, but screws someone else. But if I say do not bring your squatter over to the property I own he stonewalls me??!! Solve that problem. When he does'nt bother with his daughter or even helps to do the most minor thing?? I merely draw boundaries and he does'nt want to hear it. Its odd & strange. He went nutso. Mind you we have been together 27 years

Great, video! **note to self: it is not always anger, or name calling,.. it can be a subtle mocking , feeling superior. Can even show up as being nice but subtle acting above them. I am learning more what this is and now realize my father asts so superior.. and can say things like "what do you know" He has done that for 50 years. I never knew but now I can see that s contempt. He does it to anyone that does not have a lot of money or just to some women.

It’s a choice yes, but not one that is entirely infront of us to make. often it’s behind so many walls of shame, shame that pushes further into isolation, shame that pushes misunderstanding and omission, shame that causes depression, anxiety and harm to self and in worst cases the people surrounding. this shame runs deeply in what society expects and presents, continuing the individualism and separation of community, the ability to speak up and talk about the fact it’s a problem and that it’s not just a fault it’s a biological change and altering of chemicals in the mind. blaming and pointing fingers does nothing to change this, and in many cases makes it worse, no one is asking you to accept a porn addicts addiction but showing a small amount of grace goes a longer way than blame and by extension shame does.

"Becoming one" isn't the title of this video. This is a video about co-dependency.

I lost you after 50% of this lecture … 6 principals mayby the 6th … I don’t see how any man addicted to porn can actually stay tuned throughout this whole lecture :( I wish someone would have a good one for the man so they can understand this is actually doing to their partners …

women are so horrible

it's every body!!dude any man get treated as u mention !!! 100% of us

My guy didn't WANT to quit and chose porn over me. a) he hid it. b) he minimised it when I found out, and promised to stop, but c) more lies - he didn't stop - ever; d) I caught him again and he lied AGAIN, telling me he'd stop. Then, I couldn't forget. I was traumatized, knowing at that point he was thinking about those nude women when he was "intimate" - HA! - with me. I couldn't stand it, so confronted him with it one more time. This time, he minimised, blame-shifted, gaslit me, told me he'd continue whether I wanted him to or not, etc, etc, and that if I didn't want to be with him in that way, it was fine, as he had "them". At that moment, any feelings I had for him DIED. He chose "them", and so that's what he has! And not only will I ever get back with him, I feel as though I'm done with men - with sex - for good. What is there to want? Someone who wants others? Nothing there for me. I could try again, but they say 69 - 95% of men are into porn. And they keep it secret and lie. So the odds don't seem very good to me there!

The defensive partner should also get to a point where they can respond to bad timing and criticism (hostility, angry tone and facial/body expressions, etc) without being defensive. Both partners need to learn to respond in more helpful and connecting ways to each other's imperfections.

I’ve read several of the Gottman’s book and you explained this perfectly. I needed the reminder of this today .

I don’t even know where to begin to look for local men’s groups like the ones you talk about. Any suggestions on how to find them?

"fundamental" good one.... not sure how it will be received by my parnter. but that's how i see it.

2:09 "leads to next week's topic" hellooooo looks like i'm watching videos out of order (pertaining to my comment on the as mentioned future, past, video)

i think it's very key in the flow of horsemen - critical-defensive-contempt-stonewall - as a tit-tat flow. One leads into the other. in your summary "own how you approached" starts at were you critical or where you looking to resolve a dispute? if the partner is a spazz and overly defensive then well there's no amount of eggshelling around them will work and that person needs to therapy up. but if every interaction starts with an accusation that they fail as a human, then yes, the partner will get defensive, you will look down on them, continue the 1-2-3 cycle a few times until they chose to no longer interact -4.

11:36 "you're right, i'll try my best not to do it again" incorrect set up for failure on that one and setup for more contempt. habitual changes vs personality changes vs commitments are different. pick your battles.

I can tell you my story I recently married my middle school crush we met when we were 11 or 12 and then we met again in our 30s. My parents and I spent over $20,000 planning and orchestrating a movie dream like wedding for him and for me last week I found out by mistake on his phone, he has been looking at girls that are barely 18 years old on only fans. Yes, I’m being dead serious only fans. What a terrible thing for anybody to happen and I have become victim to it same with my husband. I literally don’t have any trust for him at all. I feel the ultimate betrayal and because when he did it, it was a very crucial mental, psychological abusive time for me, I was going through a lot at that time and he was wanking off for a dopamine, fix girls barely turning 18. I’m a very attractive woman I could sleep with a man I could sleep with a woman I used to love all of them the only man I love was my husband and now, I am not confident in my appearance. I have stopped taking care of myself because I have been suicidal and depressed like crazy. I’m being dead serious. I was in an abusive relationship about 10 years ago and our relationship ended almost the same exact way, but I found out my partner was on plenty of fish dating websites and his own best friend had told me what he was doing and so now that I’m out of that abusive relationship, I spent 10 years or longer, learning about myself and what I deserve as a person and looking out for abusive partners and what not have in my life and what to have in my life and now that I’m with my now husband, I find out that he’s been doing almost the same thing as my lastboyfriend who was abusive to me he’s been fucking off on only fans. We’re literally just tied the knot. We just got married and then I find this shit out. I am so devastated that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I can’t even look at my husband. I have no attraction for my husband whatsoever, I am disgusted, honest to God and now I can’t trust anybody it’s been completely disrespectful to me and our marriage because we made a commitment to God, I don’t know what to do right now. At this point I can’t stop obsessing over it and I see the girls that he was looking at and now I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel good enough and I want to die.

I can tell you my story I recently married my middle school crush we met when we were 11 or 12 and then we met again in our 30s. My parents and I spent over $20,000 planning and orchestrating a movie dream like wedding for him and for me last week I found out by mistake on his phone, he has been looking at girls that are barely 18 years old on only fans. Yes, I’m being dead serious only fans. What a terrible thing for anybody to happen and I have become victim to it same with my husband. I literally don’t have any trust for him at all. I feel the ultimate betrayal and because when he did it, it was a very crucial mental, psychological abusive time for me, I was going through a lot at that time and he was wanking off for a dopamine, fix girls barely turning 18. I’m a very attractive woman I could sleep with a man I could sleep with a woman I used to love all of them the only man I love was my husband and now, I am not confident in my appearance. I have stopped taking care of myself because I have been suicidal and depressed like crazy. I’m being dead serious. I was in an abusive relationship about 10 years ago and our relationship ended almost the same exact way, but I found out my partner was on plenty of fish dating websites and his own best friend had told me what he was doing and so now that I’m out of that abusive relationship, I spent 10 years or longer, learning about myself and what I deserve as a person and looking out for abusive partners and what not have in my life and what to have in my life and now that I’m with my now husband, I find out that he’s been doing almost the same thing as my lastboyfriend who was abusive to me he’s been fucking off on only fans. We’re literally just tied the knot. We just got married and then I find this shit out. I am so devastated that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I can’t even look at my husband. I have no attraction for my husband whatsoever, I am disgusted, honest to God and now I can’t trust anybody it’s been completely disrespectful to me and our marriage because we made a commitment to God, I don’t know what to do right now. At this point I can’t stop obsessing over it and I see the girls that he was looking at and now I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel good enough and I want to die.