This is so me. Always trying to fix other problems for them and walking on eggshells so i can be liked by others. I'm always referred to as the "Nice Guy" I'm a people pleaser and its hard to break this cycle. I feel all I need to do is become an Asshole to ppl and ppl will eventually respect me

Jesus says get the log out of you own eye before you try to take it out of others! Or tell them to take it out! Yay God!!

I ate our cat now she wants to divorce 😢

Thank you for the clarifying the difference between sharing your thoughts and sharing your feelings. This is the first video I've seen from you, but I'm now subscribing to your channel. Is there a link for the next video you referred to?

Nah after I became honest with my gf just left me instead of wanting to help me be better and get better, fulfilling my worst fear about her

we sleep in different rooms. havent had sex in months. and months before that. i dont even know him anymore. if i had the financial means to leave i would. but i dont. So i look on the bright side of things. and make tn best of it.

what if roomate syndrome is the only syndrome you have had in a 11+ year relationship. you have kids. so its easier to become the roommate that it is to actually leave

yeah, we have roommate syndrome because we have not had intentional one on one time in 11+ years. not even 1 date night. this is what he wants not me. i tried to have time with him. he gets angry and says im nagging him. so yeah. i became an unexpected roommate in my own life story

How do you do this with an alcoholic or husband who has lost it. Abandons his wife & child and shacks up with a squatter and sleeps with her, then says its none of your business. Leaves the house with all the bills to you. Then you tell him he cannot bring his squatter whatever girlfriend to any of the properties to help him work. Irs disrespectful when you are married!! He says he loves me, but screws someone else. But if I say do not bring your squatter over to the property I own he stonewalls me??!! Solve that problem. When he does'nt bother with his daughter or even helps to do the most minor thing?? I merely draw boundaries and he does'nt want to hear it. Its odd & strange. He went nutso. Mind you we have been together 27 years

Great, video! **note to self: it is not always anger, or name calling,.. it can be a subtle mocking , feeling superior. Can even show up as being nice but subtle acting above them. I am learning more what this is and now realize my father asts so superior.. and can say things like "what do you know" He has done that for 50 years. I never knew but now I can see that s contempt. He does it to anyone that does not have a lot of money or just to some women.

It’s a choice yes, but not one that is entirely infront of us to make. often it’s behind so many walls of shame, shame that pushes further into isolation, shame that pushes misunderstanding and omission, shame that causes depression, anxiety and harm to self and in worst cases the people surrounding. this shame runs deeply in what society expects and presents, continuing the individualism and separation of community, the ability to speak up and talk about the fact it’s a problem and that it’s not just a fault it’s a biological change and altering of chemicals in the mind. blaming and pointing fingers does nothing to change this, and in many cases makes it worse, no one is asking you to accept a porn addicts addiction but showing a small amount of grace goes a longer way than blame and by extension shame does.

"Becoming one" isn't the title of this video. This is a video about co-dependency.

I lost you after 50% of this lecture … 6 principals mayby the 6th … I don’t see how any man addicted to porn can actually stay tuned throughout this whole lecture :( I wish someone would have a good one for the man so they can understand this is actually doing to their partners …

women are so horrible

it's every body!!dude any man get treated as u mention !!! 100% of us

My guy didn't WANT to quit and chose porn over me. a) he hid it. b) he minimised it when I found out, and promised to stop, but c) more lies - he didn't stop - ever; d) I caught him again and he lied AGAIN, telling me he'd stop. Then, I couldn't forget. I was traumatized, knowing at that point he was thinking about those nude women when he was "intimate" - HA! - with me. I couldn't stand it, so confronted him with it one more time. This time, he minimised, blame-shifted, gaslit me, told me he'd continue whether I wanted him to or not, etc, etc, and that if I didn't want to be with him in that way, it was fine, as he had "them". At that moment, any feelings I had for him DIED. He chose "them", and so that's what he has! And not only will I ever get back with him, I feel as though I'm done with men - with sex - for good. What is there to want? Someone who wants others? Nothing there for me. I could try again, but they say 69 - 95% of men are into porn. And they keep it secret and lie. So the odds don't seem very good to me there!

The defensive partner should also get to a point where they can respond to bad timing and criticism (hostility, angry tone and facial/body expressions, etc) without being defensive. Both partners need to learn to respond in more helpful and connecting ways to each other's imperfections.

I’ve read several of the Gottman’s book and you explained this perfectly. I needed the reminder of this today .

I don’t even know where to begin to look for local men’s groups like the ones you talk about. Any suggestions on how to find them?

"fundamental" good one.... not sure how it will be received by my parnter. but that's how i see it.

2:09 "leads to next week's topic" hellooooo looks like i'm watching videos out of order (pertaining to my comment on the as mentioned future, past, video)

i think it's very key in the flow of horsemen - critical-defensive-contempt-stonewall - as a tit-tat flow. One leads into the other. in your summary "own how you approached" starts at were you critical or where you looking to resolve a dispute? if the partner is a spazz and overly defensive then well there's no amount of eggshelling around them will work and that person needs to therapy up. but if every interaction starts with an accusation that they fail as a human, then yes, the partner will get defensive, you will look down on them, continue the 1-2-3 cycle a few times until they chose to no longer interact -4.

11:36 "you're right, i'll try my best not to do it again" incorrect set up for failure on that one and setup for more contempt. habitual changes vs personality changes vs commitments are different. pick your battles.

I can tell you my story I recently married my middle school crush we met when we were 11 or 12 and then we met again in our 30s. My parents and I spent over $20,000 planning and orchestrating a movie dream like wedding for him and for me last week I found out by mistake on his phone, he has been looking at girls that are barely 18 years old on only fans. Yes, I’m being dead serious only fans. What a terrible thing for anybody to happen and I have become victim to it same with my husband. I literally don’t have any trust for him at all. I feel the ultimate betrayal and because when he did it, it was a very crucial mental, psychological abusive time for me, I was going through a lot at that time and he was wanking off for a dopamine, fix girls barely turning 18. I’m a very attractive woman I could sleep with a man I could sleep with a woman I used to love all of them the only man I love was my husband and now, I am not confident in my appearance. I have stopped taking care of myself because I have been suicidal and depressed like crazy. I’m being dead serious. I was in an abusive relationship about 10 years ago and our relationship ended almost the same exact way, but I found out my partner was on plenty of fish dating websites and his own best friend had told me what he was doing and so now that I’m out of that abusive relationship, I spent 10 years or longer, learning about myself and what I deserve as a person and looking out for abusive partners and what not have in my life and what to have in my life and now that I’m with my now husband, I find out that he’s been doing almost the same thing as my lastboyfriend who was abusive to me he’s been fucking off on only fans. We’re literally just tied the knot. We just got married and then I find this shit out. I am so devastated that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I can’t even look at my husband. I have no attraction for my husband whatsoever, I am disgusted, honest to God and now I can’t trust anybody it’s been completely disrespectful to me and our marriage because we made a commitment to God, I don’t know what to do right now. At this point I can’t stop obsessing over it and I see the girls that he was looking at and now I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel good enough and I want to die.

I can tell you my story I recently married my middle school crush we met when we were 11 or 12 and then we met again in our 30s. My parents and I spent over $20,000 planning and orchestrating a movie dream like wedding for him and for me last week I found out by mistake on his phone, he has been looking at girls that are barely 18 years old on only fans. Yes, I’m being dead serious only fans. What a terrible thing for anybody to happen and I have become victim to it same with my husband. I literally don’t have any trust for him at all. I feel the ultimate betrayal and because when he did it, it was a very crucial mental, psychological abusive time for me, I was going through a lot at that time and he was wanking off for a dopamine, fix girls barely turning 18. I’m a very attractive woman I could sleep with a man I could sleep with a woman I used to love all of them the only man I love was my husband and now, I am not confident in my appearance. I have stopped taking care of myself because I have been suicidal and depressed like crazy. I’m being dead serious. I was in an abusive relationship about 10 years ago and our relationship ended almost the same exact way, but I found out my partner was on plenty of fish dating websites and his own best friend had told me what he was doing and so now that I’m out of that abusive relationship, I spent 10 years or longer, learning about myself and what I deserve as a person and looking out for abusive partners and what not have in my life and what to have in my life and now that I’m with my now husband, I find out that he’s been doing almost the same thing as my lastboyfriend who was abusive to me he’s been fucking off on only fans. We’re literally just tied the knot. We just got married and then I find this shit out. I am so devastated that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I can’t even look at my husband. I have no attraction for my husband whatsoever, I am disgusted, honest to God and now I can’t trust anybody it’s been completely disrespectful to me and our marriage because we made a commitment to God, I don’t know what to do right now. At this point I can’t stop obsessing over it and I see the girls that he was looking at and now I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel good enough and I want to die.

Shane Gillis was just talking about this on his new podcast episode

Quick dopamine chasing. Same as snorting a small quick line or taking a large shot of alcohol. They have sex in their face everywhere like advertisements, movies, social media ..women being sexualised in so many ways every day. I dont think its easy for them to break the habit of wanting this hit but what worked well for my partner was realising they are people and complete strangers with their own issues and problems that if you met most of them you prob wouldnt be attracted to them as soon as you got to know them and then at the end of the day youre then literally glorifying some strangers body just for a second pair of b**bs to look at! Its just skin and fat hun, your wife has it your girlfriend has it hell your granny has it, stop glorifying something so ridiculous 😂

Excellent therapist

STORY OF MY LIFE

So he’s a frog now do I break up?

Nate & Chad, this was an incredible episode. I especially resonated with ‘facing your darkness’ and going into the cave to see what’s in there. Seeing one’s capacity for evil, or whatever it is that we don’t want to associate with. It gave me great insight.

I have to disagree. A big reason is that whether you are a nice guy or a jerk is determined by the other person, or at least which one you're seen as. Women make nice guys because they teach boys that women want a man who treats them a certain way, including mothers who raise their boys to not be the bad boy men who treated them horribly, even though that's the men the mother is probably still attracted to. Most times if a woman is asked what a man needs to do to get her attracted, they'll often talk about buying flowers, taking her to a nice restaurant, essentially how much money he spends on her. Romcoms teach that the nice guy gets the girl in the end, after she's been hurt by the bad boy along with the idea that women love over the top productions of romantic displays. But men become confused when they do these things yet women are still drawn to the bad boys who do everything that hurts the woman. To give one example where yes, the opposite of nice guy is to be a jerk, most dating/relationship coaches teach how women test men, along with discussing men needing to set boundaries that will be tested. They explain that "nice guys" will simply go along with a woman, thinking that always being 100% agreeable will make her happy and like him. Or if they set a boundary and she appears upset over it, if he gives in and drops it, he's seen as failing her test. But most women don't just "test" to see if he passes, they test to see how far it can go before he does relent. So if a man fails to set a boundary or he gives in as soon as she pushes against it, he's seen as failing her test and being the nice guy in hopes she doesn't get upset with him. But what happens if he holds his ground? Does he pass? Not really. Most women just keep pushing, and pushing, and pushing. If at any time he gives in, again, he's the nice guy and has failed. If he doesn't, in the end, she hasn't gotten her way and is upset. If she's upset, she'll often end the relationship. And if the relationship ends because the man refused to do what would make her happy, that makes him....... we all know the answer. He's now a jerk (at least to put it mildly). So yes, what is the opposite of a nice guy? A jerk. There is no in between, at least to the woman.

Wow, it's amazing how we've gotten to the point where being a nice guy is seen as a bad thing. I've seen a lot of videos where women say they'd always pick a bad boy over a nice guy even though she's probably had experience where the bad boy has cheated on her, treated her like crap and possibly abused her. It's really funny that I'll see a ton of videos like this where it exposes how nice guys are horrible people but the bad boy gets the pass because he looks good and rides a motorcycle. Sorry but I've seen too many bad boys destroy a woman's life including my first wife and even if it means being alone, I'd rather remain being nice rather than sink to the level of being an abusive jerk.

The tip about avoiding "I feel like you..." is brilliant, and so on point!! Gonna share this vid for sure.

Ohhh gawd 😱🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ there's an actual thing about this dudes freaking behavior. I was wondering how the f is someone who is so insecure actually a narcissist? Wow. Just....ugh. ew.

my wife and I are reversed in this. I am the emotional one, she struggles with how to express emotions and gets cold/ stonewalls continually.

This is so wholesome. Thank you for sharing!

Been married to Mr Nice Guy of 38 years…not something I would ever wish for anyone…

Well , it looks like it’s always the same person who is going to end up cleaning the dishes .

Great advice and explanations, thank you!

I wish I had seen this video 9 years ago. (Yes I know this video isn't that old.)

Hi! Thanks for the video! As a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist, I think couples therapy work is an excellent tool to help couples who want to stay on the preventative side. I think a skilled couples therapist can work well with high conflict couples. I do agree that consumers need to interview their therapist to make sure the experience aligns with their needs. A free 15 or 30 minute consultation is the standard protocol to "interview" a therapist and to make sure this is a good fit.

How do you complain in a way that's not criticism if they make the same mistake over and over?

In addition to "you always" and "you never", they may bring things crucial to your growth, like your parents, your occupational training, etc.

I have no more cheeks to turn. Somehow, after 45 years of marriage, I find myself with my own room and a weekly 1 hour appointment for intimate one-sided exploration. I have never been told “ I like that” or “what do you like?”. Extremely frustrating. It’s like carrying the luggage for two and one person not only expects it, but doesn’t care. Increasingly difficult to find fulfilling.

This was so insightful! Thank you for sharing!

Im so grateful its been 3years of being single, ive avoided this topic as it hurt a lot but now i can look at it and hopefully heal. 16 years and a lovely daughter and he chose porn. Now hes a sad shell of a man and im thriving i feel badly for him i hope one day he finds his way for now he messages me and i hear his loneliness and longing its heart breaking to know i begged him to get help but he refused and its sad to see it

Whats the name of the movie wear guy wears the shirt future is female

It's not worth it leave the relationship this is a character trait and this person needs help

Why do you keep using the word partner? That’s a modern feminist word