10 Red Flags of the Female Covert Narcissist

In this video, you will learn 10 signs that you are getting into a relationship (or already in a relationship) with a female covert narcissist.
If this video resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe so that others might find help in it as well! I would so greatly appreciate it. 💜
It's my intention that everyone who watches gets at least one important take-away. 🙏
/ @liseleblanc
About Me
Hi! I'm Lise Leblanc. I am a therapist, life coach, and author of 9 self-healing guides. I have over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
For information about private consultations, please visit: liseleblanc.ca/products/coaching
0:00-0:55: Introduction
0:55-2:16: #1 Intimacy and Connection
2:16-2:51: #2 Vulnerability / Victim
2:51-3:23: #3 Past relationships end badly
3:23-4:22: #4 Manipulation
4:22-5:21: #5 Sex bombing
5:21-6:31: #6 Mask starts to come off
6:31-6:40 : #7 Isolates you
6:40-7:44: #8 Different in public
7:44-8:16: #9 You stop holding your ground
8:16-8:30: #10 You lose yourself
Conclusion (8:30)
#narcissist, #NPD, #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder, #covertnarcissism, #femalenarcissist

[@thelodgersoak]

This is spot on. Another flag is that they will change history, convincing you that your memory of an event is wrong; sometimes to the point that you doubt your own sanity.

[@ArulinETheKirin]

Had that happen!

[@hermitthefrog8951]

That's textbook gaslighting.

[@petedoxtader4177]

Yep - gaslighting.

[@victorcayro3753]

That’s an evil b***h pumping the gas ! Never forgive, never forget

[@DrPhilGoode]

I have quite a collection of audio recordings that prove a lot of what she denies. But, I learned from her that if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t say those terrible things. 😂

[@DireWolfForge]

One giant red flag is a lack of introspection. They just can’t see themselves as ever being at fault to themselves. It’s always someone or something else’s fault why they behave a certain way.

[@lankankeys8310]

Very true. And they just go on from one relationship to the next without ever having to pause and introspect or grieve. It's like, they cannot stand isolation and need the validation to continue from the next person.

[@trblanchard]

My wife constantly says, “that’s not my fault”

[@bobsanderz3005]

Like when I tell her she’s being a rude and condescending, her reaction to me saying that is far worse, as if I’m doing something terrible to her for calling out bad behavior for what it is.

[@experimentalmodel7172]

I was already depression, couldn't notice any signs of my ex-wife started MLM. She used up all our savings in a very short period of time on a bunch of MLM crap, then told me it was all my fault we lost our money.

[@robertdemeter5793]

"When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot" - Dalai Lama

[@jb664q]

I couldn't help but break down during this video. I've experienced all of these. The worst is losing your desire to stand up for yourself just to keep the peace.

[@lordtsarcasm]

Choosing to do something against your own core ideals to see if it would please them? I've been finding myself for the past month. I wish you the same!

[@erad7464]

Yes! Holding back of my real thoughts and attitudes because to put them forward is always a fight. An exhaustive and in the end futile endeavor.

[@quietgiant474]

I went from being the family mouse to having a sailors mouth when I started standing up for myself. I'm not proud of it but in a way i'm happy i did.

[@moneymitch5372]

I fully feel you so did I ❤

[@richardhoff1626]

You could not be more right. And that snowballs downhill because the narcissist will use that against you when others are around (Especially your children).

[@Fix_em_jets]

Getting out of one of these relationships was one of the most emotionally painful things I've been through. A year later, I have healed and can watch these videos every once in a while and smile. I know now that walking away from her was the best decision I could have made. It must be so exhausting living with NPD, never being happy, always having to be right, the best looking etc. Time is their only true fear in life as their youthfulness fades away with every empty relationship. A never ending cycle that is always someone else's fault.

[@ryanwolf4101]

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Mark Twain

[@michaelmisczuk1188]

Doesn't sound like Twain.

[@MrIlleism]

@@michaelmisczuk1188 Still true.

[@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT]

Should've listened to those wise words.

[@KeyBoard-io8nl]

@@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT word

[@ashok.vardhan.g]

The first FCN I was involved with used those exact same words to pull back from me. I was a wreck after being with her.

[@AlexRyan]

Another flag: Effortless dishonesty. Zero internal conflict

[@iononcantomascrivo]

Yes. My former friend seemed to take great joy in causing me pain. The look of satisfaction on her face when she said or did something that would make me upset, it was almost indescribable. For example, she's spread an entirely untrue rumor that I caught an STI from a one night stand. She knew it wasn't true and she said it anyway. When I pointed out that I could sue her for a slander and defamation of character, she went to pieces. She had ran her mouth to anyone who would listen. Then when I told her that I had enough proof to ruin her marriage because she was chasing after another man (it also didn't help her cause that she never wore her wedding ring or talked about how much her husband was a bad guy and claimed he was abusing her, which he didn't), she was terrified. She left me alone for a long while because she knew that I meant what I said. Of course, she got over the fear and went right back to being a witch. Like many other examples in this video, she did not handle not getting her way well. I remember she wanted to use my car every time I came to visit because she didn't maintain her vehicle. When I demanded gas money, she said she didn't have it and then I reiterated my original answer of no, she threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed a toddler. She was walking around stomping her feet while pacing and flailing her arms while casually glancing back at me to see if I was reacting. When I didn't, she stopped and pointedly asked me what I was looking at. I said and I quote: “Just seeing where your son gets his shitty behavior from.“ That was enough to set her off and ask me to leave. Naturally, right afterwards the voicemails and angry phone calls started because she could never not handle not getting the last word. This was a typical exchange between the two of us. If she wasn't the center of attention, she would make herself the star of whatever situation was going on. If there was nothing to talk about, she made things up. If there were no problems, she would obsess over every little insecurity until they became great big imagined problems. For goodness sake, she even lied about having cancer to get attention from people. She truly is an unwell individual. I hated her for a long while and wished her ill will. It was only through my recent saving by the grace of God that I've been able to forgive her. I pray for her every night because she needs help.

[@AlexRyan]

@@iononcantomascrivo Notice how all of our stories are describing the exact same phenomenon. These people are completely unrestrained by conscience. Because they lack the ability to experience affective empathy, they have no confidence in their ability to predict how others are feeling and will behave. Therefore they make bad decisions. When they make bad decisions, they cannot learn from them. They just throw tantrums. They are like wild animals. The world is a terrifying place for them because they lack the ability to experience affective empathy. Now consider that these ones which we know are the least camouflaged of the bunch. Those who are better camouflaged rise to the very top of the social hierarchy. Corporate CEOs. Politicians. Central bankers. Considering the narcissists we know, we should ask ourselves, what would these people do if they had real power? What might they be capable of? Would they use money printing to impoverish the people and enrich themselves? If their scam was about to be discovered, would they seek to avoid justice? Would they try to divide and rule the people? Would they release a bioweapon? Would they impose forced vaccinations to make people infertile and kill them? Would they destroy the food supply so that the people starved to death? Would they try to thin the herd and enslave those who remained with a CCP-style social credit system called a Central Bank Digital Currency (CBDC)? Please go to Rumble.com. Watch this video: “Q The Plan To Save The World” Tell others what you have learned. This is the Great Awakening. This is the final battle between good and evil.

[@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT]

@@iononcantomascrivo she sounds like my ex with center of attention and lying on me saying I was bad to her and abusive that she tellls everyone she meets in our very small town. She’s a major extrovert and loves being center of attention and I’m a sigma male aka very introvert and too myself. So I don’t get out and about to tell the truth about her to all these people but she sure smear campaigns me like no other and the looks I get at the grocery store of a few that are now friends with her is unsettling to say the least. I’m gonna have to move.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

@@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT I'm sorry to hear that your ex did that to you. That constitutes slander, libel, defamation of character and a slew of other laws that she's violating. If you have proof that she's doing it and she knows that she is slandering you thus sullying your reputation, you can take legal action. Only you can decide if suing her for the harassment is a worthwhile course of action.

[@TheBigdog868]

It's because they have no guilt. They can do nearly anything to you

[@joelmck]

I'm shaking... you've pinpointed what I've suspected. I'll be looking for help to gain control of my life again. Thank you.

[@doogle2822]

Many of us here have been where you find yourself now. We are testament that there is a way out and a way back to the you that you remember and are comfortable with.

[@guenthermarschall01]

Things that struck me in addition to what has been said here: 1) She called others narcissists. 2) She can't stand being criticised. 3) One cannot clarify misunderstandings. 4) One cannot establish genuine emotional closeness. 5) If you allude to something, it was just a joke. 6) She doesn't stick to agreements. 7) She ist self-righteous - and tells the world and me how sincere and good she is. 8) She is vain - even if she says, that she is so relaxed, easy going and down to earth. 9) She doesn't always tell the truth.

[@markinnes2064]

@guenthermarschall01 Exact same list as mine - thanks, it helps to have others see what for twelve years I managed not to see clearly. And ref your no. 4 and 7 - yes, I got taken in by her 'sensitivity' to herself, it turns out this is simply a sensitivity to her ego being bruised, and hides a complete lack of introspection and self-awareness. She was unable to discuss her real emotions, had no interest in mine. Because we had so much in common, I didn't see that we lacked emotional closeness, as you mention. Such a waste of my passion, and a waste of her life, she could have had a lot to give. I hope you are managing to move on, it's a struggle...

[@gijoe616]

OMG when did you meet my adulteress wife? She’ll make a great pastors wife with the pastor she got “counseling” with in parks while lying to me and hiding her car behind other buildings.

[@bradwilliams4919]

Always told me never cheat while she was cheating. And, she would not quit her job with the guy she cheated with. Disgusting! Going through a divorce now.

[@quinboy78]

100% tick, tick and tick. I paid for our family to leave the city after having this plan sabotaged for years by my partner. She now denies that I paid anything. We've since split up but are living together until she gets her finances together. We also have a kid. Can you guess what job she does for no more than 10 hours a week...she is a psychotherapist! I kid you not. At home she rages, is passive aggressive to me and our 9 year old and then goes online and gives therapy sessions where she's all sweetness and light. Mental...

[@usagi666_]

Wow. I can relate to almost all of these in regards to my ex and it's eye-opening when they're all laid out this way. 1.) She called ME a narcissist when breaking up for reasons that don't even make sense given the context. She essentially blamed me for the break-up because of my behavior and attitude. Immediately after breaking up with me, she was nonstop posting about how "happy she is" and how "grateful and thankful" she was for things she would constantly tell me she hated (her job, her coworkers, etc.) Ironically, two days later she was also rubbing her new relationship with her coworker that according to her she "did not cheat" on me with in my face. I say "rubbing in my face" because she didn't block me or post privately. She was publicly posting these things and I'm pretty sure it was done with the intent to hurt me. At the very least, past ex's have had the decency to block me or go to a private account. 2., 5.) I could never complain about anything she did, ever. If I complained that she left a full cup of water on my desk, complained she left clothes on my floor, complained she was leaving a mess in my area, etc. I was being "rude" and "evil" to her. When I'd tell her it was a simple criticism and that it wasn't actually that serious and I just wanted a bit of respect for my space, it was suddenly "just a joke." Any sort of backlash from her was always "just a joke." She developed this unhealthy obsession with my boss simply because my boss would treat me nicely and I would tell her she was being nice to me. It escalated to a point where she came over and kept complaining about a "headache" because she "saw the enemy today" and it just so happened that that same day, she visited me at work and saw my boss interacting with me and my boss also talked to her and said pleasantries. When I brought up if this "enemy" she saw was my boss, she denied it and claimed it was an inside joke she had with her coworkers about "a weird customer" and that she was "sorry I wasn't in on the joke." Yeah, right. 6.) The week before breaking up, she randomly started "hanging out with friends" and ignoring previously made plans with me to do so. She'd come over late and be upset at ME for being upset that plans we made days and days in advance were not being honored in exchange for something that popped up that day. Also found out the coworker she cheated on me with was at these hangouts, lol. There were also the plenty of times she told me not to buy myself something because she would get it for me, and she almost never did. 7.) Probably the biggest one here. She was outspoken about world issues, but the façade was very clearly an ego stroke and everything was always said in a "Hey!! Look at me and look at how morally superior I am!!" manner. I don't think she ever did anything to truly help with these issues she was so "outspoken about" besides repost infographs and berate anyone who "didn't care" or "didn't educate themselves" on the matters. She'd still buy and consume boycotted products pretty regularly. 9.) Within the first two months of knowing her and ultimately dating her, she was spouting white lies over the most inconsequential things before I called her out on her bullshit. She would lie about going to sleep or being awake, lie about what she was going to eat for dinner, lie about where she was going after work (We met at work). It wasn't until we got serious and I called her out on her lies when she finally mentioned she "doesn't know why she lies" but that she'd stop. Her sister was the exact same way, if not worse. The break-up is still very fresh and I am still angry at the betrayal, but reading and typing all this out really makes me realize she was not the person I thought she was. I ignored a lot of red flags and maybe I should've jumped ship when I noticed them. These points you listed definitely helped the fog lift a little bit. If only I could erase all the memories and speed up the healing process.

[@jfsebastian7811]

Lack of showing gratitude is a big one. Not hearing the simple phrase "thank you" from a covert narcissist is a massive red flag.

[@guyreid8692]

Jup. Giving them a gift is a waste of time. I think it affects their sense grandiosity-to be given a gift makes them feel inferior. Interestingly, they are as stingy as hell. They hate giving.

[@The1966chevyvan]

They'll say thank you and anything else they need to say to drain you... It's all an act

[@Random_Blip]

To add, the sly ones know to be thankful ... but only verbally. They might even follow it with a gesture, but it'll be a token gesture at best.

[@muskokamike127]

and an apology when they've done you wrong...since narcissists are never wrong.

[@janetpattison8474]

OMG, u hit that nail on the head! For my narcs b-day I gave him a few things that he mentioned he liked & cash. He complained. This year I gave him nothing. Why bother? And I want zero from the narc, so I hope that’s clear now. Always the dark cloud over them that Lise mentioned. Ugh!

[@peterklein4349]

walking on eggshells, Hollow eyes, can't let you speak one sentence without interrupting, mrs know it all, the unaknowledged super talent, the big mouthed diva, etc

[@callanc3925]

Unacknowledged super talent is a great way of putting it. Somehow was always so close to great achievements but never got them because of someone else.

[@ncapone87]

These flags are spot on! Seven years ago I walked away from a five year relationship that was horribly emotionally, verbally (and physically at times) abusive. I don't know why KZbin recommended I watch these videos on female narcissists but they've really helped me understand what I went through. From 23-27 I was with someone who was 21 years older than I am, and at the time I was too naïve to see the red flags. The first year was pretty good except for a couple of weird incidents. The first big one that I can recall was about a month in and I went to the guitar store with my roommate while she went to the grocery store (which I didn't even know at the time). She was unreasonably mad at me for not being around to help her carry in the groceries and ghosted me for two days while I wondered what I did wrong and I scrambled to try to make things better. We weren't even living together at the time and I wasn't spending all of my time at her house so I didn't think I had to be around for groceries yet. That's just the first of many situations. She repeatedly accused me of cheating, hacked into my phone to see who I was texting all the while she was doing the same as I found out later (but denied it when I brought it up). She refused to let me get a job so she could keep me under financial dependence and I finally was able to convince her to let me go back to school and get a job. The first opportunity I could move out, I did. I just moved everything out one day without telling her while she was convinced that I was cheating on her. Sorry for the long post but I haven't really spoken a lot about it in seven years so it's good to get it all out. I'm now married and quite successful and my wife is the complete opposite and I couldn't be more grateful.

[@aucapuig9043]

Your story really reminds me of the song Maggie May, by Rod Stewart

[@ncapone87]

@@aucapuig9043 I looked it up, not that far off I guess

[@TheBaronVSP]

It breaks my heart how accurate this is. If this video had been released 7 years ago it wouldve saved me from a mountain of suffering.

[@bjg3474]

The female narcissist will always always always play the victim. In every disagreement she will be the victim - making you feel like you crossed some line etc… just wild. Thank you for putting this out there - people need to know.

[@soandsononame8750]

That’s *every woman* talking about her previous relationship 😂

[@muscleman369]

Insufferable is what I call it

[@jiggnorth3593]

I mean that's pretty much every narcissists regardless of gender. But yes it is extremely frustrating. It's gaslighting at its finest.

[@stevearnold8265]

That’s every woman brother

[@vincesoliz9514]

No its not, If you understand a female narcissist you would not say this.

[@WarrenCromartie2]

Another thing to look out for is the absence of female friends. A woman who can’t form friendships with other women is trouble. I know from experience!

[@Hopelessromantic666]

I never had female friends I just got bullied does that count?

[@orestislazanakis4960]

@@Hopelessromantic666 Yes, just in a different way perhaps.

[@preetboparai5203]

Exactly

[@benjaminc9792]

Wamans cant make friends

[@Domieboy]

this was the one that got me lol. she only had like 2, and they would fight a lot. but also.... to be fair my first ex had not many friends either and she was a doll. At least to my knowledge. but i never felt she was cheating really. she was a very good person. just very quirky.

[@jigjones936]

Took me 17 years 3 kids to finally say enough is enough. Can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. Seeing this scenarios brings back flashbacks. Wish I knew a decade earlier.

[@carp7697]

Wish I knew three decades earlier!

[@craigy691]

Just went through it never knew what a narcissist was until now after I’ve moved out 4 weeks no contact

[@jigjones936]

Unfortunately I wish I could go no contact. Kids make it a lot harder to go without it

[@craigy691]

@@jigjones936 I have a child as well but got a 3rd party member to hand over and text between ourselves

[@drumsticksusa]

These red flags are absolutely spot on. I just left a gaslit relationship run by a female covert narcissist certified in social work and adept at emotional psychology. She really knew the ropes. Easily could have written "How To Be A Master At Narcissistic Gaslighting." It's a dangerous situation to be in. If you're in one of those relationships, leave now.

[@innocentnemesis3519]

I had a friendship with a girl like this. When I ended it after some unreal gaslighting that snapped me into reality, she was getting her MSc in psychology. Scary shit.

[@timesquare5473]

"How To Be A Master At Narcissistic Gaslighting." If you think you are a match it will blow up in your face.

[@OnderHassan]

A girl I dated for almost 3 months had an MSc in Psychology and worked with kids. She admitted she did it to try to heal herself along with telling me on a few occasions that she was crazy and had a string of short-term relationships that she ended. Because she was so sexy and alluring, I naively brushed it off not knowing they were major red flags. It was sad and devastating that she discarded me so harshly as I really liked her. But it gave me a valuable insight into what Covert Narcissism is.

[@citizenzeus1684]

It's amazing how many cluster b personality disorders decide to be in the "helping" professionals as counselors, social workers, and psychologists so that they can 1) work their own damage out on someone else, 2) use the psycho-spiritual and emotional manipulations tactics they learned in their professions to extract "supply" in an intimate relationship.

[@MarkusFATA]

@@OnderHassan I just went through this same thing, 3 month relationship, love bombing/sex bombing, false future planning all of the above, she had a masters and also did social work. Once she lied to me one time I called things off then shamefully bent the knee trying to reconcile with her. I was discarded and replaced so fast I couldn't believe it. It's been about a month now, still hurts but seeing this videos gives me a better understanding to the closure I will never receive, and quite honestly should start accepting that I shouldn't want to receive it. For weeks I wanted her to reconcile with me, and more recently my emotions have transitioned from sadness to anger, mostly at myself for not identifying these flags so early on in the relationship. I really liked her as well, and it is hard to see the true colors she has shown me since she built this massive fantasy of who she really is.

[@HarryWolf]

"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time . . ." Maya Angelou

[@kevinshinn2977]

You described my marriage of nearly 30yrs. She passed away about three years ago, and through content like yours here, I am starting to get my sense of self and identity back. Thank you for recognizing the abuse that men face from the female narcissist.

[@HelloWorld-cq1sq]

I'm sorry you were abused.

[@Bart-Did-it]

Was it Arsenic by any chance lol

[@MrDarkavenue]

*"Passed Away..."* It's okay, this is a safe space 🤣

[@frantic5679]

Dude, that's the dream right?

[@giovanniantonio91]

How did she die? And were you sad when she died? When did you realise she was a narcissist? Before or after she passed away? Do you miss her? Sorry ! So many questions!

[@aviator000]

I've been in such a relationship for 5 weeks only. After she started pushing me away and complaining about her bad experience, I broke up with her. Now, I recognize all 10 flags mentioned in the video.

[@Fabel555]

Had the same. Met a girl who copied me, even our phenotypes and speech pattern was so similar, but it was all fake.

[@neverxared112]

same thing 3 months don't know why i let go that long signs came after 1

[@iel69burner]

This is ridiculous... I have no words. I can't even... I just want to thank you. You are helping me at the end of my grieving. I'm 28 years old, have been through breakups before, and NEVER has a woman made me so confused and messed up in the ways this one did. I felt used, exposed, betrayed by my own self and mind, and in TWO MONTHS I couldn't handle it anymore and we both left each other. It's been two months since then, she did tried to reach out sending me a song saying it reminded her of me and "i hope you're ok! kisses" also putting me back on her close friends and posting stories there with stuff like "don't let a good love leave cause you're confused" Anyways... I silenced her, i don't wanna hear from her, I'm done talking about what i've been through with this person, and EVERYTHING, i mean... EVERY SINGLE THING on your narc content is spot on. Thank you again. Now i know what happened to me and how i was caught, being through a hard time financially and emotionally and getting to attached to this person in the wrong ways. God bless you, Lisa.

[@lauchlanguddy1004]

try 40 years more fool me,, but kids...

[@almarti932]

I was in a relationship with a female covert narcissist for 3 years and experienced these exact events and more. I was left devastated and dumbfounded and it wasn't until I left the relationship and got my life back that I became whole again. That narc ability to "flip the switch" and go from a hot to cold persona without explanation is unlike anything I have seen before. They're sick and demented creatures.

[@stevenkleinhenz1017]

Thank you Jesus for delivering this man!

[@zeerox8637]

You are not alone!

[@greggregory2756]

Same with my situation..

[@jasont2105]

@@stevenkleinhenz1017funny my former female malignant Narcissist told me that God brought me into her life for a reason. She also said right at the beginning of the relationship that her x husband was a narcissist and that “when Gods really mad at you He’ll bring a narcissist into your life”. little did I know that this was her way of saying that she vied God as a punisher. I had know Idea about narcissism, I do now unfortunately.

[@Donahue250]

i just got discarded after 4 years of Jekyll and Hyde. the unstable random mood swings is truly the most intense and eggshell walking discomfort you could ever experience. it makes you feel like you're losing your mind. after having time without them it all makes sense. its super hurtful to go through dating somebody like this. they never cared about you and you stayed to work through all the BS you thought was real but never was

[@treewx]

Another red flag is when they have an overly negative opinion of someone you know to be a good person. My ex used to say that my Dad was manipulative. Obviously I have known my dad my whole life, he has only ever been a gentle kind person, he would never manipulate someone. If your partner starts describing people you know to be nice as being bad people, be careful.

[@whiteraven69]

This is the tactic the CN uses to isolate you from family and friends. The CN cannot stand that their partner has any relationships, and are jealous of even their own children. They seek to destroy connections to their partners parents or anyone perceived as a threat to them. If ypu share children they will be used as weapons to control and manipulate you.

[@Ray-pp5qb]

THIS IS A REAL KEY FACT!!!

[@jap882]

my fiance is like this. 🤦🏾‍♂️🤦🏾‍♂️🤦🏾‍♂️

[@panama2468]

People skip over this, but this is exactly right

[@timothyrday1390]

This is something that I noticed about my current gf as she spoke negatively about colleagues of ours at work, colleagues I knew were sweet and decent people. Her paper-thin excuses for saying she didn't like someone deeply troubled me and it took me awhile to figure out that she has some narc tendencies that would motivate her to say such things.

[@brianfoster3615]

Thank you for this video! My ex-wife is a covert narcissist who also has Borderline Personality Disorder. I ignored the red flags early on and it was only after 3 years together when she pushed for a separation (claiming I was abusing her) when the lights finally came on and I realized I was taken for a ride. I wish I had seen your videos earlier. Thanks to a good support network and therapist, I’m now not going to ignore my instincts again when I’m in my next relationship.

[@whitewater1250]

Me to same thing. 😔

[@lauchlanguddy1004]

yes, you get punched in the face in a fit of rage but you are the abuser.

[@drldexter2574]

Same thing here. She convinced me that I had issues with managing stress and frustration. I started to see a therapist. After 40 minutes the therapist told me "we'll explore better the roots of your frustration but you need to know that you are describing borderline behaviours". I did not know what that meant. I went home and started googling things and I found myself in shock. I started a study journey of cluster b personality disorders and I had never experienced that mix of validation and anxiety. I started to take some baby steps towards divorce during a silent treatment of a few months, having to negotiate an extremely difficult agreement on property division (she had nothing while all my assets where on the line). After 4 psichologists, 5 lawyers, one apartment and all kind of anti-social behaviours I managed to get a signature.

[@thepersianninja573]

You're the reason I got out of a toxic relationship after 9 months of it being her verbally abusing me and reeling me back in. Thank you so much for all the great videos!

[@mrbill2600]

I think that this problem stems from young girls, adolescents, and grown women never getting over the "Little Princess" syndrome. Not realizing it, I was engaged to a covert narcissist. Luckily her father took me aside and very forcefully told me to take a second look. I took his advice and soon realized that she was not a good woman, so I canceled our engagement. Her reaction to that was she threatened to kill me. Understanding that she meant it, I quit my job and moved to a different city.

[@AnnieGrace777]

Very often 'the golden child' is a N.

[@ironjohn5914]

psychosis is real.

[@mrbill2600]

@@ironjohn5914 "Psychosis ... a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality." Are you implying that circumstances of life and environment don't directly relate to psychosis? Whatever the reasons for the condition, all I'm saying is run from a covert narcissist as soon as you recognize one.

[@ironjohn5914]

@@mrbill2600 I was dating a women who was borderline personality disorder with an alcohol addiction she was a ton of fun but also a nightmare at the same time she also had psychosis I believe her environment and upbringing and genetics are what made her how she was her mother was a 100% Narcissist.

[@mrbill2600]

@@ironjohn5914 I think her mother had much to do with her problems. Her childhood must have been a nightmare.

[@maximososa9181]

My last two girlfriends shared many of this traits. One thing I may add is the lack of long term female friends. (Maybe they can see through their BS)

[@fromgermany271]

OMG, you added the last stone. 25y to late, but at least the picture is complete. So 2 children, 1 house and 1/3 of a life later, I‘m on my own (nearly) again and now a single dad of 2 adult girls. They „love“ their „mother“ as much as I do.

[@alonzomosley7]

No they fight with all their long term female friends , they are brutal.

[@guyreid8692]

Often also have ‘daddy issues’

[@ronniewilliz153]

i learned that the hard way. so true

[@KristinaTurnerAquarius]

In my case my former friends and family that covered up abusing me turned out to be covert Narcissists and used corrupt doctors and lawyers and District Attorneys and Family Court judges and psychologists and psychiatrists to cover up underaged marriage and abuse with military and police and churches and coaches and teachers and Professors involved and libeled my mental stability reputation and renegotiated the family trust and trashed my reputation in retaliation for reporting abuse. I have had female friends, but unfortunately they seemed to not be very good friends because they profited off of keeping abuse covered up.

[@koh9894]

I like what you said about making you feel like you're everything and then making you feel like you're nothing. I feel like what was missed is that they can do it in the same conversation. Moment to moment you can be everything or you can be dirt. They have an amazing talent for doing this! All while simultaneously apologizing for how they've been in the past. No rhyme or reason; just head spinning blame shifting and live bombing. IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLLOW LOGICALLY.

[@vtksolid9127]

So true

[@fitlife1205]

Dead on

[@idunno6480]

Wow. You hit the nail square on the head.

[@koh9894]

Thank you folks... and believe me, Im glad I studied and understand. Wishing I didn't have to - and still worried about my kids

[@drdotter]

The private/public conduct was a kick to the head. You absolutely nailed her behavior! I commented to my friends numerous times that what she showed in public was the complete opposite of how she behaved in private. Attentive, affectionate, and doting were all a facade, only for public consumption.

[@TheJberrie]

Another red flag is what I would refer to as a “poke/watch.” It’s something my ex would do all the time. She would often test my boundaries early on (and occasionally as time went on) by saying something that would illicit a reaction out of me, like a subtle insult, a negative comment or a condescending remark. Then, it was as if she’d step back with guarded body language and watch me intently, searching my face, closely watching how I would respond. It’s something I’ve encountered with other narcs as well. It seems to be their way of gathering intelligence and chipping away at your boundaries until they’ve completely infiltrated your defences.

[@PhilCherry3]

So true!!!

[@iononcantomascrivo]

I call that "poking the barking dog": get it riled up, then when the dogs snaps or bites, the tormentor plays the helpless victim.

[@badisev]

Yes!

[@MJ-qb5ph]

So so true

[@rabinraj15]

Bang!! Spot on!! I've experinced this as well... but i only realised all this in retrospect as i started to learn on the topic... Its scary, crazy, very very frustrating, dissapointing & heartbreaking... Wish everyone to be blessed with a joyous life ahead! Knowledge is indeed power! Tc 🙏🏽

[@markandrews6930]

This was the script (word for word) for my marriage with my ex wife of 9 years. I wish I would have known back then what she was. It’s been over a year now and even with therapy and education I still feel brokenness. I feel for anyone that has had to walk this road.

[@dirtydancingdk]

I wish all the best in future. Take a month of no Contact, and then another and so on and on. Ones a therapist told me " Nis, your wear a sign on your back saying "Psycopat Magnet""

[@victorcayro3753]

I really had no idea what I was dealing with. After some googles and KZbin videos, this is the playbook, wow. This vid hit hard. Thanks Doc!

[@Enlightenment246]

Hang in there, you lucky you got away alive and in tact. Good luck 🤞

[@ronstallings3156]

Mark, I have 23 yrs. 55 and yes, Self is broken. Im past the point of wanting her back. I just want me back. Good luck man !

[@markandrews6930]

@@ronstallings3156 good luck to you as well! It’s not easy but I think our best years are ahead of us!!

[@laura-2]

Usually, by the time you learn the person is a "covert narcissist", you have already 'dealt' with them in one way or another. You cannot and will not recognize the person as a 'covert narcissist' just by looking at them or having casual interactions with them. You have to observe, listen, and understand what you SAW,what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that. Now don't that sound easy. The better question is how do you STOP 'dealing with' a covert narcissist once you understand what you SAW, what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that? The 'best way' to 'deal with a covert narcissist' is to STOP listening, STOP observing, STOP wondering WHY, and STOP having ANY interaction with them. If you MUST have interactions with them, limit the interactions as much as possible. No "hi, how are you doing", no "hi, I wish I had time to talk to you", no "hi, it's nice to see you", just "hi, hope you're doing well, I've got to run" or just "hi" and keep walking. If at all possible avoid ANY setting or situation where the narcissist or a 'flying monkey' can observe you or listen to you. 'Flying monkeys' are the narcissist's 'possessions'. Dealing with or interacting with anything or anybody the narcissist 'owns' is considered the same as 'dealing with' or interacting with the narcissist. The more you 'deal with' a covert narcissist, the more you will have to 'deal with'. Do not 'run' from a covert narcissist unless you can 'run' totally away from them. When you 'run' from a narcissist, it makes them feel powerful and important. They like that and will make a sport out of watching you 'run'. Once you 'learn' the person is a 'covert narcissist', you have to 'learn' to either 'covertly' avoid the hell out of them or 'overtly' have NO CONTACT with them and refuse to 'deal with' them. This all SOUNDS so simple and easy, but ask anybody who has ever "dealt with" one and they'll tell you it's one of hardest things they've ever 'dealt with'. Additionally, Metaspyhub@gmail. com is a company that is ideal if you need to be able to confront a cheating spouse because they have some of the most advanced features in the industry.

[@CharlesYuditsky]

Nice spam plug in your post.

[@AbstractMediums]

Coming from a chick who is probably a narcissist.

[@sinntax]

Spam

[@CharlesYuditsky]

@@sinntax reported her

[@sinntax]

@@CharlesYuditsky Thanks, good idea. I have now done the same. What a strange spam!

[@SpongeBobPants1980]

Thank you for breaking all of this down. My ex narc contained ALL 10 of these red flags and what was only a 3-month “relationship” felt like 3 years lol. Damn this hit home hard! Another red flag I’d like to share is for those who’ve been with single mothers which was my case. If she has kids with multiple baby daddies and/or is jealous of you developing some kind of bond with one of her kids like I did, please take that into consideration! Also, this is a big one… Keep an eye on how she handles her phone and laptop. If she rarely leaves it out in the open or hides it, that’s a HUGE red flag. My dumb ass was too blind to notice that fact. When she would connect her phone to the charger, she kept it stored inside one of the kitchen cabinets. When I asked her why, she said she didn’t want her youngest daughter to go reaching for it. That was so bizarre to me. She would also store her laptop in the bedroom closet before bed. I should’ve cut the cord and left right then and there but I wanted sex too which tells you how low my self-esteem was at the time. She was so good in bed but I now realize that all the crazy good sex wasn’t worth it. Unfortunately I sacrificed my own well-being to cater to her needs.

[@maulrat588]

Add to the list: "Everyone else is right, and you're always wrong" and "Shamed for expressing frustration."

[@blaxpoitation8528]

Conversely, everyone else is always wrong, and THEY are always right. They are truly twisted individuals.

[@jaklumen]

Oh yes. I've seen that sometimes, they might not shame you directly, but still twist things around subtly to suggest it's your fault.

[@AnnieGrace777]

Told "you have problems"... when truth was pointed out Run run run as fast as you can ........🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️💃

[@steffanhoffmann8937]

Plus being called aggressive if you disagree.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

Yes. This is what I went through with my former friend. Although she never tried to sleep with me, like this video talks about, she probably would have if she thought that it would have gotten her somewhere. After all, I had a resource that she wanted: my life savings. Once I cut her off, she turned into a total bitch. More accurately, the mask fell off and I got to see her for what she was: a lazy waste of space who would let her own kids starve rather than get and keep a job and trash talk her hardworking saint of a husband than put any effort into her marriage. The whole time that I knew her she lived in a fantasy world thinking she was going to make it as an actress, but it takes more than faking a resume and using a camera phone photo for a headshot. Also, talent is needed. My former friend could not act. That's neither here nor there.

[@raqlew7021]

I’ve experienced narcissistic abuse from a friend. The first red flag was when she told me she doesn’t have “girlfriends”, because she gets along better with men. Now I know why she doesn’t have any girlfriends. I consider myself a good judge of character but my gosh was I duped.

[@kathryncainmadsen5850]

I have a few girlfriends but get along better with men. Is that a symptom? I don't think so. Lol. I think men are generally more direct and I like that.

[@fromgermany271]

@@kathryncainmadsen5850 if you think about whether you are one, you can’t be one. They would never do that.

[@watermelon520b]

@@kathryncainmadsen5850 it is definitely a red flag for me and I don't trust women who "get along better with men" because straight men very rarely are interested in a woman for friendship alone. these women typically enjoy male friendships because men are easily manipulated when the promise of future sex is involved. my aunt is like this - she hates women but acts like men are gods and manipulates men into feeling sorry for her, yet she's incredibly abusive towards any other female she thinks is competition in her warped little mind. she terrorized my grandmother up until the day she died, she used to bully me as a child, and only treats her daughter nicely because her daughter is not physically attractive (to her) at all so is not a threat to her. if my cousin was beautiful, i doubt she would be as nice to her as she is. i noticed this pattern with her in my 20's when she was fighting with her coworkers at her job...i found it strange all her so-called "enemies" were female. she never had ANYTHING bad to say about the men who worked on her job, and most of her coworkers were men. and yet she was always at war with some female but never the dudes. it all started when her old male supervisor "d." retired and was replaced by a woman whom she claimed hit her in the head with a bathroom stall door when they were in the restroom together. my grandmother was the one who called her out on the story since it didn't make any sense how a bathroom door could up and knock you in the head unless you were either standing directly in front of it or it magically came off its hinges and hit her itself. my grandmother asked her to her face, "were you terrorizing that woman?". which obviously made her angry because this is what the new supervisor claimed during the workplace investigation - she said my aunt was following her in the bathroom screaming at her/acting like a nut and she used the bathroom door as a "brace" between them since she was being violent. i believed it because she did the same thing to me a few years ago when she cornered me in the laundry room. my grandfather used to buy into her crap and had him running around behind her like a little lapdog until she started taking her anger out on him now that he's older and he isn't writing her sister, my mother, out of his will.

[@sandracastillo3317]

I have known this girl in my neighborhood for 15 years but we were never friends but she started going out with my boyfriend's friends by saying she was a friend of mine and so hanging out with us, too. She wasn't. All her relationships with them ended in disaster. I had no clue what a female narcissist was or even a male narcissist was til now. She starts love bombing my boyfriend and he fell completely obsessively in love with her and basically ruined every part of our relationship with her manipulation. Recently told my boyfriend she would have f#@k with him right away when they met but didn't because she was my "friend" and has to much respect for me and my family and so they can't have sex. Which is a brilliant piece of manipulation cause he started resenting me even more and blames ME for her not being with him.( Hello you have a girlfriend. ) He stop having sex with me as soon as he met her 5 years ago I realized. Recently he started partying with her everyday. He has started to pay her rent and see her secretly and lying about it. Yet she is supose to be my "friend" and even justified HERSELF seeing him without me when i confront her about it, as she is trying to" help him." Wtf. Their relationship has become sexual in that she won't f#@k him but found other girls who will. That way keeps him interested in her and yet satisfied sexual and coming back for more. They get into wicked fights because she is also seeing other men and has a boyfriend. And i just left 3 months ago after 8 years together because my sanity couldn't handle what turns out to be two narcissists. After looking at video on subject he is classic text book narcissist and why our relationship never improved and why it took me years to leave. This is the reason I don't have a lot of girlfriends. This is the second girl he cheated on me with. The first was a girl HE wanted me to BECOME friends with because he said i needed female friends. (All my friends were mostly male whom i have known for more the 15 years and even my boyfriend i had met 20 years prior and nothing happen.) But this other girl, she sat at my table and drank my wine, and then f@#k my boyfriend. He could deny it but video says otherwise. I still stayed. I have girlfriends now who truly are friends, not many , but without them i would be toast right now. Thank you for sharing your stories as well. It helps to show i am not crazy or overreacting. Becareful with those narcissist bitches, they are no joke.

[@CYellowan]

@@sandracastillo3317 Bless your soul, what a nasty mess some human beings tend to be. It's truly a pretty dark part of life, and worse yet? These people seems to be pleased acting this way. To me, their entire lives will be a sorrowful empty nightmare and a mess. From start to end. Whatever makes them happy, stay the hell away from me.

[@jameswcollett]

My ex-wife accused me of being a covert narcissist. It really undermined my sense of reality. The irony is not lost on me.

[@charlessiciliano1266]

Her shoplifting was a red flag. I had to tell her to knock it off! It runs in her family--her sister came for a visit with us & got busted for shoplifting as well.

[@timothygrisack486]

The narc I escaped .. stole food and was taught by her mother!

[@patrickjohnson8741]

I told her straight out that she was a Narcissist & needed help! Great, she did the fastest disappearing act I've ever seen. GONE !!! I'm happy

[@peloi111]

You described my ex. At the end she told me: " I don't love you, never did and never will, after cheating on me, that was her final blow. The last time we talked, she started crying and told me it would be much easier for her if I hated her. I told her I don't hate her and that I forgive her. All the crying stopped, she changed her attitude and got angry. I told her she has a problem and that she should get help. She got angrier and asked, what is my problem? I told her, if you can't see it, I can't tell you, you gotta want to be a better person to see it. She rushed to hang up. Crazy

[@wowerman]

She was looking to get excused for what she has done to you.You were too soft for her,she will never learn.

[@hardywatkins7737]

My ex told me "I can't love you" but implying it was my fault. That really hurt.

[@jnever9768]

my wife has most of these traits and i just realized she has been cheating behind my back for years. i also realized that our relationship is not normal. nothing i did was ever good enough but then she say that only I could make our lives better. i got a six figure job and it still wasn't good enough. she would always find something to demean me, saying i'm dumb, fat etc... but even when i got incredibly ripped just to get attention from her....she ignored me still. then pull be back in with buying me things...the sex life was just as described here....there would be like a month of intense sex then months of nothing.

[@BijahD]

Truth is their kryptonite....the closer it gets the faster they flee...

[@HeyKoolaid195]

I went through every single one of these red flags all the way down to loosing my sense of self. It's been over a year now and I'm starting to get back and be more social. I never really understood until I experienced a female covert narcissist first hand. If anyone reading this ever needs someone to talk to about this topic I am willing to listen. You are not alone.

[@derekmarks8969]

I’ve been with one 6 years, she’s a monster and she did every single one of these red flags, especially the promises I needed to make to her and say them out loud.

[@jesselevan7818]

I’ve suffered all 10 in the exact order you explained it….. it took years. 8yrs I’ve suffered. Thank you for putting this out here

[@zigggyyyc7342]

One of the major red flags I noticed with my ex was this pathological jealousy. She couldn't stand the thought of me being with anyone else before her, even partners from 10 years ago. It got to the point where I simply couldn't talk about my past out of fear she would be triggered. Definitely walking on egg shells is another.

[@pizeblu]

Well, talking about past partners with your current one should almost always be avoided.

[@zigggyyyc7342]

@@ragnar7023 ohhh they hate that! I was in a similar situation on Halloween where this girl wanted to get a photo with me and the costume I had on. She had gone to the bathroom at the time. When she came out, she was fuming

[@shoaibinam541]

My ex wife I bought her a mattress which was $3000 the day when we came home she started saying that you know what if you were with your ex you could have bought her the $6000 mattress I was like where did that come from she was jealous of creating scenarios in her mind which never happened

[@zigggyyyc7342]

@@shoaibinam541 they will create drama out of anything. They love it

[@nabeninja5718]

I can relate. Also, mine narc was made jealous at the way I interacted with strangers. Apparently being pleasant and cordial was too much for her. Meanwhile, she was horrendous to people and strangers.

[@zhshsG7]

Male mental health and relationship support is so undervalued, at least in my country (Greece), where men are supposed to just "take it like a man" and "get better". What people like you are doing helps a ton.

[@Englishsea24]

I wish it was more understood in society tbh. People always seem to assume men's mental health issues are simple, and they're really not. If they were simple, we'd know how to treat them better. I get this feeling that society as a whole cares about women much more than men, and sadly it makes many good men who have much to offer, and should be valuing themselves, give up

[@LesGrossman69]

it's a worldwide issue.

[@xMrjamjam]

Not just in your country but world wide, men have been treated as expendable for millenia

[@atlas108]

You captured my thoughts exactly! Abuse by men on women is talked about, but abuse by women on men is often ignored or even mocked.

[@TigerzClaw.]

Same in UK

[@ronaldjennings8544]

I have literally been thrown under the bus and almost took my life. Everything said in the video is spot on. She made me question my identity and my beliefs. She started to reach out to my friends on FB and asking them if I was sleeping around. Well she did get a very strong answer and when I confronted her she changed the topic altogether. Everything I have done for her was nothing in her eyes.

[@stripedcollar335]

I picked up some of these patterns from my partner along the way. So much so that she convinced me for a while that I was a narcissist. The we/them factor was her thing. Almost all of this applies, but it is her tendency to find everything scary, blame me for the fear, ask for my help, and then complain that my help wasn't real, or good enough. I'm an empath with childhood ptsd. I was a huge target, and I let it go way too far. A narcissistic partner is bad enough, but she dangled my relationship with her daughters in front of me too, giving and taking those relationships in order to keep me coming back. It was horrible. When I finally put my foot down, she decided to leave, taking being a dad with her. It hurts, but I dodged a bullet in the long run. Be careful out there people. Love and blessings.

[@MetalockieMusic]

Oh man this is my ex exactly. I wish I knew this. She completely destroyed me over 5 years. Discarded me 7 months ago. I'm finally healing and realizing what happened

[@brakenoodle105]

Me as well. I found educating myself about NPD really useful. The knowledge helped me understand why a long marriage went so horribly wrong.

[@MetalockieMusic]

@@brakenoodle105 im very sorry to hear that and hope your doing really well. It's been a long healing journey so far but what I can tell myself is I know I tried my very best for someone who was very broken. Wishing you well

[@donniehba795]

I was married to a female covert narcissist for 16 years. Looking back I realize I experienced and observed all 10 red flags exactly as described. It is good to be divorced and 1500 miles away...

[@darrelltregear3571]

28 years with mine, broke up with me 4 time and slept behind my back in between ,I have 3 kids to her.the only thing she said is the truth is her name .her all personality is false.my all relationship was fake.

[@tyrannusrex8906]

@@darrelltregear3571 That is terrible man.

[@tyrannusrex8906]

Congratulations. Enjoy your freedom. 👍

[@Jaysthudandblunder]

Dood, I feel ya, 19+ years married, 6 month courtship and nearly 2 years divorce, an utter nightmare. But there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

[@callmeishmaelk767]

Ultimate goal convince all men to never get married, then these types of women will have to be in their a-game 24/7 and any good women will have no problem sticking by a man they love without a three party contract with the givernment. Honest decent women will have no problem with that arrangement.

[@wss222]

My ex-wife is a narcissistic nightmare. I wouldn't care if I didn't have to deal with her on a regular basis because of our kids. It feels like I'm serving a prison sentence.

[@NevinMillan]

Same here. Feel for you

[@asciikat2571]

im about to join you

[@rubytuesday1316]

I see more men abused than women (UT USA) At least she's your EX !

[@wss222]

@Ruby Tuesday True, but it's still a nightmare dealing with her on a regular basis. It's messing with the kids now. They're confused.

[@rubytuesday1316]

@@wss222 So sorry to hear this! One of the toughest of life's challenges for sure!

[@Artomotive.]

Thank you for this very insiteful breakdown. You just described perfectly in every detail my last relationship. She moved onto someone else 3 weeks ago and let me go, the day after telling me how perfect I am to her. 2 years of jumping through hoops and treading on eggshells to be constantly told I'm not good enough and everything which made her sad was my fault. The sex was amazing and the love bombing off the charts but the childish tantrums, physical and mental abuse were tiring. I can only hope every man stays clear of her and others like her before she can get her claws into them.

[@lauchlanguddy1004]

eggshells and landmines.....

[@cinemasanders977]

I endured this exact sequence of events, followed by the ultimate betrayal. It's an extremely distressing experience. Just knowing people like this exist, makes you lose faith.

[@janetpattison8474]

Yes, I agree. However, I must be honest,, major RED FLAGS were there, in different ways with different narcissists, and I let it go on and on and on. With a significant other, I was in a new city & desperate for company. Then w/ my inner circle, I was desperate for family. A lot of detachment is key to seeing reality rather than an illusion. But, Some narcs are on their best behavior until they’ve really sucked u in…. It seems that letting go immediately, if anyone ever treats us with disrespect is what we MUST do.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Totally

[@faceripper77]

They exist because they’re damaged. Someone hurt them when they were very young. Nothing you can do but avoid them once you’ve experienced the signs. And pity the next person who falls into their cycle.

[@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT]

Exactly. … Now my PTSD will be hearing any woman saying I’m their best in anything and their world cause every time I’m told this they turned out fake and used me. A few was narcissistic so yes. I will now not trust those words and one day a new love may mean them and yet I’m mentally emotionally scarred by those words now and won’t believe it and will run.

[@chaptermastertiberius]

I’m a rescuer type personality, getting divorced now but I went through all of these, not very good at spotting red flags. Devastated my life.

[@benmjt]

You are probably codependent, we are magnetised to people like this. Don't blame yourself too much.

[@chaptermastertiberius]

@@benmjt I just don’t want a repeat of it, I’ve had 2 in a row now and it’s creating a massive hole in my pocket!

[@benmjt]

@@chaptermastertiberius No doubt, I've been there, we just get drawn to people we think we can fix. We feed off feeling needed. The answer is to work on yourself and build better boundaries.

[@lauchlanguddy1004]

yep,, I am one as well, works well as a teacher, not in a marriage with a loose cannon

[@lutherbuckhurst3887]

Im still a victim of a narcissist after 38 years, ive only just realised after doing research on here, its all making sense now. Prior to this i thought i was just useless and unloveable. I now realise thats not true and that i am a really good person full of love and empathy.

[@lindokuhleshandu4024]

This is the kind of woman I broke up with 2 days ago and I didn't even think of her behaviour as narcissistic, but this is exactly what she was throughout our relationship. As for the on-and-off thing, it really threw me off and she would notice this. That's why she would get back to love-bombing me just to put me on a leash. Recently I started to notice her pattern and I refused to fall for it.

[@petedoxtader4177]

My last 8.5 year relationship was with a covert narcissist. We broke up for the last time at the end of last year. I've been learning a lot about narcissists since then. I'm convinced that my ex is not only a narcissist but a sociopath (no empathy, no remorse, risk taking behavior). Our relationship was a roller coaster of intense highs and devastating breakups - but I quickly learned that the breakups weren't actually breakups - they were punishments and the relationship was never actually over. Eventually I was the one doing the breaking up and she was the one contacting me to reconcile - but almost never offering an apology or committing to do anything to fix any problem whatsoever. Sometime in the middle of the relationship I noticed that my car was collecting key marks. There never seem to be any rhyme or reason, they would just show up inexplicably. A couple of weeks into our last break up I bought a new car, and it was keyed the day after I brought it home. I was so upset that I installed cameras on my house, and the mysterious car keyer turned out to be my ex. She had been keying my cars in the middle of the night for years. Things got ugly after that. Police were involved - but reading some of the stories written here, I think maybe I got off easy.

[@ragnar7023]

My relationship was similar. Either everything was perfect or it "wasn't working". We would also "break up" then get back together Normally after a week or two.

[@petedoxtader4177]

@@ragnar7023 Yep - that's about how long my breakups with my ex were. About a week or two.

[@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT]

That’s my ex but so far she hasn’t done the stuff she bragged about doing to her ex husband which she did the same but worse. She and her oldest daughter would put sugar among other stuff in his gas tank and ruined it and cutting tires on many ex’s cars and bragged about doing it to me for years. Now I’m the ex as of the same time End of last year and she’s many times hoped for nothing but the worse for me. So I better keep a close eye on my ride too. Has me nervous now she lives not far away at all too.

[@petedoxtader4177]

@@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT install cameras on your house now. Seriously. Good ones too.

[@sararichardson737]

Oy vey!

[@ktkt1825]

One other characteristic of narcissists in general is an inability to be on their own/alone. My ex was always in touch with someone if alone- texting, calling, etc.. As it turned out later, her 'communication' at that point consisted of setting up and maintaining multiple affairs with ex-boyfriends on her list (other 'supplys'), eventually divorcing me and moving in with one. He will pay dearly for taking up with her, a married woman at the time- that is a small comfort to me.

[@callanc3925]

One of the most redeeming things about a girl cheating on you and then getting into a relationship with that person is the knowledge that the guy was stupid enough to date a girl he knows is a cheater. Id never be mad at a dude for that because not only did he take her off my hands but now I know hes going to end up hurt as well, so what reason do i have to hold a grudge against him

[@kevinowens6010]

I met a few narcs like that. This Type of a Narc will also tell us that they are independent. That they don't need a man. However they can't take care of themselves.

[@ktkt1825]

@@kevinowens6010 Yes- rebellious, without realizing how truly dependent she is- now freeloading off another man (he is the fool ).

[@jonlesher5116]

Yep. My ex had a great "relationship" with her boss. She spent a lot of time on the phone with him. Always said it was about business. I always suspected she was sleeping with him. Oh well, luckily I was able to move on. Now I'm on my own. Honestly I enjoy it. I'm 60 y/o. I can't see getting into another serious relationship with a woman.

[@Kevin-lz4xr]

This defines the last 10 years of my life im fighting to get her out of my house now. She taught me the most real statement ive ever come up with 'Never underestimate what someone will do if they can justify it in there mind ' she doesnt have a humble bone in her body. And i totally told her she needs help and sent her the video lol but im runing

[@TheVanillaGorillaComedy]

This almost exactly describes the past 3 girlfriends I've had including my current partner. I am patient, caring, loving, supportive but nothing is ever enough. All 3 have been mentally abused by their exes, never physically, but all victim's. This video is almost a play by play of the relationships I've had. I have never felt the need to be in long term relationships when I was younger, too busy travelling to settle down, now in my late 30s into my 40s I am finding these women. 6 months of pure bliss, then the cracks appear. I've done so much work on improving myself, (definitely needed to do this mind you lol), but constantly find I am just giving everything, emotionally, financially and all my time. Recently moved closer to my girlfriend at her request, she isolated me from my family then blamed me when I'm stuck, shes now cutting me back and love bombing me to bring me back in. Thank you, I needed to hear this!

[@johnnyciantar]

Hi, I'd like to add to this list of red flags, before I realized my ex had many covert narcissistic traits, I noticed she would never admit to any wrong she may have done and would never say sorry. While I was with her, I secretly researched this and came to realize she has a fragile ego, at the time I actually felt sorry for her. When I was deep in the relationship with her, I found myself making more and more excuses for her bad behaviour and reminding myself that no one is perfect. I had no doubt at this stage, I'd never leave our relationship until I was ultimately discarded for the last time. It was only after our relationship had ended, did I start to learn about covert narcissist's. I'm glad now she discarded me because like I said, I don't believe I would of ever left her...

[@WM-tj3gm]

I first discovered the word narcissist by searching the Internet for “someone who never apologizes”. Definitely a red flag 🚩

[@fromgreatheights5227]

Or you call out their bad behavior and end up having to apologize for the way you made THEM feel bad for calling out the behavior. I feel you on the excuses for their behavior, I did the same, she's just having a bad day, had a bad childhood, no one is perfect, it's a result of her past trauma, and on and on until one day you wake up.

[@sararichardson737]

That’s a solid red flag. I tested a guy in this way by taking the blame for something he had done and he let me. He really marked his flag there.

[@rb9963]

My ex would never apologize either, at least authentically. The closest she got once was to say “I’m sorry you felt like I hurt you”

[@mrnieblas1]

Me to brother. I felt sorry for her , I stayed for 8 years

[@xrotarebil]

My jaw just dropped. This matched my experience 100%. Thank you so much for this.

[@faegrrrl]

Right on!! My bio-mother has narcissistic borderline personality disorder and she stooped to illegal levels of molestation and beatings. My dad got on her ONCE and told her she could go to jail for all of the marks and bruises she left on me. When I came downstairs she was laying on the couch crying saying that my dad (who was my supporter back then) would get in trouble. I had to reassure her that I wouldn't tell or let anyone see what happened. She got up and went about her merry way without saying a word.

[@muuiiieeee]

The video is amazing. It describes my past 8 years exactly. I have decided to stop and move away 4 days ago after she left me 9 months ago and found out she was seeing another person (a second time).I could never disconnect because of our child together. I have learned so much in that time. Reading the comments helps very much. Seeing that others have gone through this, that there is nothing wrong with me. After all that abuse. I am lost but started the journey to find my identity again

[@awestruck9075]

Dated a girl for 6wks after my wife and she turned out to be another covert narcissist, so I stop dating, to work on myself. It's been 7yrs and I'm still not confident to put a toe in the water.

[@awestruck9075]

@@eternalshitbreak9649 i thought you girls were independent

[@Yautah]

@@eternalshitbreak9649 I don't see how you took that as an attack on all women an not someone sharing a bad experience. Zero empathy.

[@Yautah]

@@eternalshitbreak9649 ofc they do, divorces are more traumatic for men in general, why would they go through this again ? And you thinking that just because they don't remarry they don't have option is, I'm sure you'll agree, pretty naive. maybe they just don"t want to.

[@mywholesomechannel]

I'm in a 'relationship' with one of these. We have a beautiful son, who thinks the world of me (and vice versa), and I feel obligated to give him a stable childhood. Many of these red flags apply though. I'm an absolute nobody and everything I've achieved or earned is worthless in her world. Only my utility really counts and even that is never enough. Happy days. Good video. Nice to know that I'm not as alone as I feel.

[@pupenpea]

I’m right there with you. I’m getting out. Have to for my own sanity.

[@Enlightenment246]

Get out and don’t get used any further, when the kids grows up she’ll leave you anyway so cut the ties NOW.

[@ktkt1825]

If you stay, do what you can for your son, to mitigate the ultra-conditional love she gives him. Mine was preparing early for her next step and divorced me, moving in with the next victim as soon as my son left for college.

[@fromgermany271]

I lived your „take care for the child“ for more than 20y. But I‘m afraid it‘s only over when she leaves this planet. She is currently very successful in destroying the live of her children and grandchildren. The only good thing I can see for you is: you already know.

[@eugenetennant4705]

I am currently going through a separation/divorce with my covert narcissistic wife. Its difficult for the kids and it was difficult for me at the beginning. However what I can say is that within 2 weeks of having her out of the house, I realised that I was surrounded by a calm environment. Something I have not had for years. Now two months in my self esteem has never been so high. My anxiety and depression have all but vanished. The pressure I felt on a daily basis is gone. It will be difficult if you separate but there is a whole different world after. Do what is best for you, but I would push you to look up 'grey rock method.' Best of luck.

[@TheShaqii]

The public and behind closed door faces are so spot on, i thought it was a stress thing but oh boy was i wrong

[@s.h.1639]

That hit me hard, too.

[@TheShaqii]

@@s.h.1639 dont be sad over it brother/sister. its actually a confirmation that you just loved the person with no ill intentions. what hit me the hardest was how fast it could switch back and forth from sweet to cold. it made me so insecure and stressed and always on high alert not to say anything that might trigger a made up fight. in the end i stopped having normal conversations with her because everything has been used as a weapon or a catalyst to ignite a fight.

[@swright4000]

This is spot on!!! My encounter was 2017-2019 and I'm so happy to report that content has exploded. More and more people are understanding the disorder.

[@noonespecial8891]

The NPD will accuse you of having NPD! That's how I learned about it.

[@biosystems2830]

OMG! Same.. never heard of it, until I was told I was one..

[@HolyGrailOfGolf]

@@biosystems2830 Me too and know I totally understand that my wife has NPD.

[@NicdeGroot]

I tried to tell a friend about the constant gaslighting, but she'd already co-opted him and he said, "No; you are gaslighting her." ... Clearly announcing his alliance (with my ex, against me) and that he had absolutely no idea what gaslighting is.

[@ellobo1326]

I was with one for 10 years. Meek and treated me wonderfully to my face. Constantly doing everything she could behind my back to destroy me financially, reputationally, and any other possible way. Always told me she loved me more than she had ever loved any man and that I was her soulmate. Was on a covert smear campaign from the very beginning to isolate me from family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors. Sex drive was absolutely over the top. That never changed throughout the whole relationship. Always played the victim and described all of her previous marriages as abusive. I realized after it was over, that she had cheated on me throughout the whole relationship. (was in denial) She was very irresponsible financially. Committed numerous forgeries on me. After we divorced, she remarried within months and was divorced again within 5-6 months. She had a teenage son from a previous marriage with type 1 diabetes. She neglected him and left him home alone without proper nutrition while she was out whoring. He went into a diabetic coma and died ! And she got away with it. No charges at all. I could go on and on and on. She was truly a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

[@JamesAlstonmemphis]

You have exactly described my marriage of almost 10 years. All the way up to never telling her or sending her videos like this one. Its a long road ahead with our children, but I am soooo happy that I get to grow old with integrity and real relationships. I am sad for her because she will decay. She is using everyone around her.

[@Thedisgardedoptimist]

The subtle passive aggressive requests or jibes that make you do a double take is a big warning sign

[@mostlypeacefulcitizen8006]

The biggest red flag for me is always playing the victim and never taking responsibility, this is a mental cancer that spreads to all levels of their personality and I have witnessed this. Other red flags is that they cannot maintain long term personal relationships, has few female friends many male "friends" (more like guys just waiting) and allows her phone to be a constant interruption when she is with you. Run guys don't walk someone particularly who cannot take responsibility means they can never do anything wrong and therefore can never change themselves.

[@lankankeys8310]

She plays on your emotions by telling you how much other guys desire her but she only loves you. And yes, constantly on her phone talking about other people's messy lives or how much they want her opinion on their relationships.

[@2006canna]

Very interesting. I am in a relationship with a girl that has no female friends. She sings on weekends and she says this is why she has mainly male friends. She has just the odd female acquaintance who I believe she uses for her needs. Always thought this to be odd. Thanks for sharing.

[@robertdemeter5793]

Of course they constantly act as the "victim" and constantly claim you're the villain. Because "You are only rebellious in the eyes of those who can't manipulate or control you."

[@mostlypeacefulcitizen8006]

@@2006canna usually there are more red flags, doss she exhibit any more?

[@2006canna]

@@mostlypeacefulcitizen8006 She sets boundaries for me that do not apply to her. Never takes responsibility as she twists matters around and then I am the one that does not understand. When I would like to express my needs she does not enter into a debate. She goes silent, ignores me or says she is stressed. At the beginning she was ultra kind now she starts making remarks and being sarcastic. We never talk about our stuff like weekend plans, doing things together, etc. She tells half truths and comes up with stories to justify what she wants to do. Walking on eggshells is not uncommon. The US has been replaced by I. Basically, I feel like an empty shell…..emotionally tired.

[@wowerman]

Imposing own rules on others or on a man in relationship.Using victim card, never at fault blaming you for some general stressful situations.Never taking critique but criticizes your dress code, you not being smiley enough, changing plans mostly suit to her.Also telling everybody how good partner you are but tells you otherwise.Being addicted to online social media and people's feedback and "likes".Telling you obvious things you already know treating you as student. Also she will seek your support but would never thank you for yours.

[@killjoyredux8361]

Good points, can relate

[@tomharrington1453]

Never wrong. Never apologizes. They are incapable of gracefully backing down or de-escalating a conflict.

[@ProfessorLycan]

I’m just now getting through this pain and finding personal value again. It’s been a year. This video may have just changed my life. I’ve been hating myself and questioning who I am. My ex destroyed me and I couldn’t understand what happened. Points 1-8 are spot on accurate. Thank the gods I didn’t get in too deep. Just an example of how a mere 6 weeks is enough for a Narcissist to destroy you.

[@kathryncainmadsen5850]

I wish more therapists who make these narcissism videos would address the Covert Boss. Especially Communal Covert Bosses.

[@peterlestrange9392]

You just simply leave them, it's very hard to do for a person going through this torment due to the fact that you don't want to feel alone. When you leave, its a similar type of feeling you get when you are about to bunji jump or sky dive for your very first time. The fear of leaping from the edge of a high platform or out of a plane. But the feeling you get after you have made that leap is overwhelming and removes such a great weight from your shoulders, mind and conscience. It's a healthy feeling of freedom to say the least. No more bad thoughts running through your mind consistently throughout the day. Bad cognitive thought processing will break you down badly when you are with these types of people.

[@joe7665]

I figured out my ex was gaslighting me for over a year.. One day I was fed up with it and called her out, I said your gaslighting me, that’s what narcissists do! 😬 Had to file for divorce 6 weeks later It got so bad! I feel a lot more calm now that she left, that’s for sure

[@nickjohnson5201]

I managed to get out by naturally taking the 10 steps and stop giving her supply as I was not playing anymore and she kicked me out… best thing that happened, then I learnt about this disorder and now I understand it 💪🏻

[@fromgermany271]

Lucky you! I‘m still in somehow, as my ex is now making a live of our daughter and the grandson a mess. She told the police she’s afraid my daughter would kill her. Step by step this fear is going from full fiction to reality.

[@ruah5617]

I just kicked out too. I feel so free of dead weight. I had no idea until I was free

[@GuardianAngel..]

This lady is good she just accurately described covert narcissism that's not easy to do this will definitely help a lot of people

[@jaklumen]

The life coaches I work with have said it is VERY difficult to explain.. especially to those that don't experience it. They speak from experience.

[@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT]

@@jaklumen Well after being married to one for 15 years and then was dumb to be with another one I figured out later on that was worse than my ex wife…. I’m way wiser to what to avoid now.

[@albertoayala9882]

I'll give you another red flag. Once shes got something on you that she's disappointed in, she'll start talking about how she was about to take you out to a fancy hotel for a dedicated get away but because of that thing. Shes changed her mind. Had this happen and she also pointed out how she was gonna help support me mentally but then broke up as soon as I was in a dark place.

[@ujustgotpwned2008]

Thank you for this. I watched this video and cried. Everything makes so much sense now.

[@MrJanbalk]

I have lived in the past with a wonderful narcissist. Caring, sexy, loving, cruel, ruthless, sadistic. I think your video would have helped me at the time. Anyway, I managed to go away, but I lost some dear friends who took her defense in the process. I'm happilly maried today, and I just regret to have wasted so much time in my past with someone who tried to hurt me by any means at her disposal.

[@Nalot56]

Thank you. I’ve been decimated by a fillippa covert narcissist. Her last partner died. The sex bombing is so accurate. I’ve never been so psychologically damaged in my life.

[@janeblogs324]

Ah well, you only lost 10%

[@Nalot56]

@@janeblogs324 10%?

[@janeblogs324]

Decimated

[@kevinowens6010]

There is a 27% chance the ex bought the Farm from that Narc. Thank your lucky stars! Narcs are capable of doing anything. Incuding Murder.

[@Nalot56]

@@janeblogs324 well, the 10% probably applies to my brain cells. Trauma has a tendency to damage the prefrontal cortex. I certainly think that she has caused me some brain damage. Not trying to sound like a victim. But I definitely don’t think the same way that I used to

[@granist]

Hello there, as a man that has been married for 11 years to the same woman now. I have noticed that within these past two years of me deciding it's time to change that she has Narcissistic traits. I don't pay attention to it, I don't let it affect me. I don't show her reactions anymore, She can say and act however she wants and I don't care. I want to be a better person so I'm on my way to doing so. I always go by the golden rule of treat others as to how we want to be treated.

[@RickeyRomero-of1tl]

Yeah, that’s not going to work with a true covert narcissist

[@granist]

@@RickeyRomero-of1tl People can have tendencies of this.

[@100Aces]

I just WISH, WISH, WISH…I could have seen this video, and have this information 5 years ago….😢

[@aussiegirl654]

I have a sister like this. I cut her off 20 years ago. They can do a lot of damage and think nothing of it. From what's in the news lately your advice can help alot of people out there so they don't get hurt.

[@thirstonhowellthebirdandfriend]

Me too-NC 5 years! Such a miserable, evil person. They are so diabolical. Sorry for what I know you endured😞

[@livelife5890]

Me too. Same. I cut her off as well. They think nothing at all of their actions.

[@thirstonhowellthebirdandfriend]

@@livelife5890 Mine used to brag about the horrible things that she did. They do think about their actions but in a gloating way. They think they’re smart and they like to tell you how smart they are and brag about all the horrible things they’ve done to people and gotten away with and the energy they get from other people’s pain is what motivates them in their daily life. Without it, without a scapegoat, without someone to purge all their hatred upon I think they would wither away and die.

[@livelife5890]

@@thirstonhowellthebirdandfriend It's sad, because we did not cause their initial hurt that triggered them down this dark path.......yet we get to experience their bitterness. Also, other family members just cannot fully understand when you mention why you've gone no contact with the narc. They just cannot seem to understand your experience and that you have no choice, in order to continue progressing in life.

[@livelife5890]

@a aa Sorry to hear. The longer you intermingle with them thinking you can save them.....the more your health deteriorates. Im one of the fortunate ones that experienced the narc abuse but quickly found out what was going on. Very sorry for what you endured. I went no contact with no intention of looking back. Such evil cold blooded people.

[@toneman335]

There is only one sure way to deal with a Narcissist....RUN and DON"T LOOK BACK!

[@peaknonsense2041]

My wife displayed many of these behaviors, so I started recording our conversations to play them back. She flipped her crap more than once, but over time, she really did stop doing most of them. My counselor said he believed it was just a habit from her mother, who absolutely is a narcissist

[@aidanmohrman9493]

Keep trying dude, keep your cool and stand up for yourself without disrespecting her. That’s really awesome that you saw progress in her.

[@pendafen7405]

Training your wife like a dog? Just to keep her behaving how you want? Sounds like you're the one with the psych issues, my friend. It's not up to you to manipulate someone's behaviour patterns to suit yourself. Besides, it sounds like you aren't even legitimately qualified in cognitive retraining. Stop trying to do a doctor or therapist's job and stop meddling with people's brains, man. Just sack up and leave her if you can't stand the way she is and can't live with the reality of her.

[@princhipessa1969]

When the mask slips is when the real “fun” starts! #8!! No one believes me because she is soooo sweet & generous with everyone.

[@armegeageladon]

One red flag I hace noticed and its not refered -as far as I know, is the fact that a covert narsissist has no old friends. Occasionally he/she will unbury people from the past, just to servise a specific purpose. They have no really friends from scool years or the old neibourhood. So if you want to reveal a narsissist, ask him/her to show old friends. I dont know if it stands for other categories of personalities, but it stands for every narsissist I know.

[@callanc3925]

Bang on. My narc ex had no friends that shed known for more than a year or 2. The only "friend" that shed known since school was this girl I met one time. That one time her "friend" got really drunk and started making suicide threats which ended up with them having a screaming heart to heart on the street in the middle of the night. It was genuinely embarrassing to be a part of and seemed entirely fake and like a performance to yell to the world "LOOK HOW CARING I AM"

[@DarrenRockwell]

My mother is a covert narcissist. I didn't "figure it out" until I was about 30. Absolutely destroyed my life.

[@jammin3858]

I feel for you. It's one thing to realize a girlfriend is a narcissist - you can dump them and get away. But your mother - that's tougher.

[@themomentpodcast]

Same here.

[@TigerzClaw.]

My father is a narcissist and his enablers are my reletives

[@pendafen7405]

Yeah, starting to realise my father, grandmother and possibly my aunt too all fit this profile. It's rough to know that unlike with friends & partners you can't cut these people off or out completely, even if it is just having to see them at holidays etc.

[@aidanmohrman9493]

My mom is too, I realized it some time ago and have tried to fix her. It hasn’t worked, she takes everything as an attack and never admits to doing anything wrong. It has seriously ruined my life and I don’t know what to do right now. I became a narcissist when I was in a relationship with my girlfriend and ruined the shot I had with the love of my life. I am 23 years old and still trying to please my parents and seek their approval subconsciously. The scary thing is I will never have my mothers approval no matter how hard I try. I am broken and cold and didn’t know how to properly love my girlfriend when I had her. I would do absolutely anything to get her back and let her know how sorry I am for the mental abuse I put her through. She was amazing.

[@christophervan6966]

Zero empathy. Will never apologize. Will never express thanks, emotionally. Will keep moving the goalposts. Pathological jealousy of any attention diversion in public. Etc.

[@christopherlarson3401]

Some of these are in the field of Psychiatry. Scary, but true.

[@awestruck9075]

That pretty much sums up the relationship with my ex, followed by a very destructive divorce and false allegations that cost me everything to fight. For 5yrs I kept quiet and lost all but one friend, now I correct the lies and endure a vitriol of texts. It maybe wrong but, I want her to never forget the truth, as she got me doubting my own reality and sanity.

[@BLUExEYEDxSLICKT]

Same here man same here.

[@amandagagne4916]

This is really interesting. I think many men need to hear this as often they don’t have the support, or feel embarrassed or guilty in a relationship with a covert NPD. There is a lot more support and information for women in an NPD relationship.

[@jackgoodings]

I truly appreciate you saying that

[@jamesmcginn8874]

I could write a book on what my now EX did to me--J.

[@amandagagne4916]

james mcginn i am so sorry you experienced this. I am glad you were able to get out.

[@jamesmcginn8874]

@@amandagagne4916 Thanks for that-ive been out for a while now and i still have Trust Issues

[@jamesmcginn8874]

@@amandagagne4916 The last few tears were just awful--i got no attention--i knew she was cheating--stealing from Bank Accounts--Gambling--the last straw was when i found out that she was selling all the Gold/Diamonds i had got here over the years--i was Hurt so Bad that i decided to leave--i left 2016--divorced 2017--i still have Trust Issues--im taking things Slowly at this point--J.--THANKS.

[@everythingafrica01]

Nailed it on every point, thank you for this

[@chaddyer6038]

Your video helped me realize that I am not going crazy. She does make me question my reality. And everything is not my fault. Thanks. I have a long road ahead of me.

[@mrmaxxxx]

good luck. you'll do it.

[@Lunaticusius]

My heart is bumping so fast right now. All my relationships went like this (I'm at 34 years right now). However, as an diagnosed ADHD, Asperger and "highly intellectual" (don't question that, as at the moment I'm stressed out I'm not able to communicate properly) I'm the type of person who tries to solve all the problems. I saw this problem in my still going relationship. I told her .. so many times. But in reality I provided her with all the stuff she needed to improve her covering. I think, no one is safe. We only can learn. At least, I regained my ability to stand my ground some time ago, as I really know I'm right about so much (after my diagnosis of this intellectual stuff - for the first time I'm now grateful for this trait). I don't know what I'd do if I wouldn't remember everything she did all the eight years ago till today. I really wish I could share this ability with everyone who is in the same situation. And I did wonder so long why my feelings are really cold at her, but warm with other females. My body knew it long before.

[@callanc3925]

Thats something I worry about a lot, ya know "In pointing this issue out to her am i helping the relationship strengthen or am i helping her to cover up these issues". "When I tell her that Im not okay with certain things is she taking that in properly to improve the relationship or is she taking notes on how to make me upset when she feels like it"

[@fromgermany271]

I share some „features“ with you and can tell you: we are perfect victims.

[@givefreely8424]

It just may be that if all of your relationships went like this, that YOU are the problem. Don’t be so quick to diagnose someone as narcissistic, especially if you have Asperger’s. Most people on the spectrum don’t see things clearly or feel the same things that most other people do. You don’t read people well at all. You can judge someone to be completely the opposite of what they truly are. I know because I’m married to an Asperger‘s man.

[@Lunaticusius]

@@givefreely8424 That's what I believed at first. I saw always the best in people. But in retrospective I found out, what lead me to the conclusion I wrote above. I'm not mad about all of this stuff. We're always learning and need to be open to new stuff. However, this video gave me some connections I didn't had before. For example, one of my relationships went like this: Man meets woman. Both like each other. Both are moving into one house. Woman tries to get a baby and "accidentally" forgets the pill (didn't know this at the time), but isn't successful. She then start arbitrary fights about anything. After that, she went into a rehabilitation clinic for depressed ones, meet some other guy, gets pregnant, marries him short after. Some months later she divorced him. Conclusion for me? She only wanted an easy way out (as she then got alimony). I mean, you're right if you think, I can't know this for sure if I give you only this information. However, there's so much more to it and I'm not 100% perfect in grammar in english. All I say is, I can't take all the people as angels as I did this as I was younger. However I can't take the stress to look for an honest person either, which is sad. But I'm not mad about it. Really funny thing is, I can read people. If they're talking to each other, I always know what they're up to. But if they talk to me, that's something completely different. I can't differentiate if they're telling the truth or if they say something and want something else. But that's another story.

[@bumkin292]

OMG! I needed to hear this, this is the best description to date. Every red flag is 100% my life for almost 30 years. I have tried so hard to help her during the last 7 years (red flag 6) when the mask come off. I even told her she was like Jekle and Hyde at times and I thought she had depression or something. I blamed myself a lot and questioned myself everyday to find where I went wrong, when in fact it was never me. I very much did give her the moon and stars and more, but nothing was ever enough. Even now, she can be all smiles and super affectionate in public (red flag 8), but walk in the door 10 minutes later and she is the devil... Its like flicking a switch on and off. Id say, I am with a text book narcissist and I only started to realise what a narcissist was via research trying to help her. I was too busy trying to please her and I unfortunately have reached Red Flag number10. I am now seeking ways discretely to help me regain my 'self' .. It is true for me, I have no idea of who I am, what I like, what I want etc.. I used to be so full of life and motivated. I hope every person, both women and men out there can be awake sooner than I was to this horrible thing.

[@jonlesher5116]

Same. I thought I was doing something wrong. She kept calling me a narcissist. I finally googled it and realized she was projecting herself onto me. I'm out of that relationship now. I became sick and needed a transplant. She kept telling me I was going to bankrupt her with my medical expenses. Then she divorced me. I had to leave the house I bought before we were married and move into an apartment that doesn't allow dogs. She said she would allow me to see the dogs, which she did initially. Now I have a house and she realizes I'm not moving back with her. Now she won't let me see the dogs. I miss the dogs terribly. I don't miss her at all. There went 15 years of my life down the drain - and a lot of my money. Looking back I think all of our lives hinge on a couple of key decisions that we make. Each decision sends our life down a different path. The paths branch out like a tree. After a while you find yourself out on a limb looking at the other limbs on the tree! I did get a great son that I love very much. He is an adult now and married. We have a great relationship and we did many incredible things together and still do. That makes all of the bad times with my wife worth it,

[@sharonthompson8406]

I believe my friend is suffering in his marriage of over 30yrs too. I wish one of his male friends would help him see the truth

[@lauchlanguddy1004]

I hear and feel you, at least I learned to feel more,

[@nigelbews3335]

The depression gets really dangerous at times…just knowing who you live with now is life saving!!

[@cdclydesdale]

I unfortunately was trapped till the last phase but finally broke up with a narcissist women today!! Trust me you will feel so free afterwards as they constantly want your attention ; also during break up you will be gaslighted a lot so be sure to stand your ground and make sure that “No” is also a good answer. Stay safe guys and you are stronger than you think!! Be brave and take support from family as I did 😊

[@jimmoore8951]

Good list. With a master's in psychology, I probably should know all these but of course I learned the hard way.

[@GlideYNRG]

It's amazing that you can hear the word Narcissism /narcissist bandied about and not really appreciate or grasp the true depth to its true meaning. It's only after the fact that you learn and "wake up" and appreciate you for you. It's a savage journey from which I have learnt a lot.