13 Signs You're Dating a 'Nice Guy' Narcissist | Covert Narcissism traits

[@jdub99]

1. Excessive Flattery 2. Charming Persona 3. Grandiose Identity 4. Inconsistent Behavior 5. Manipulative Niceness 6. Validation from Others 7. Martyr Complex 8. Inability to Handle Criticism 9. Gaslighting Tendencies 10. Boundary Violation 11. Triangulation 12. Narcissistic Rage 13. Conditional Love

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you 🙏

[@SpiritualStuntman]

Sounds like cptsd as well. Every number can also be a result of early trauma and attachment issues

[@a.w.3689]

Thank you!

[@TheNewbornAustin]

Master❤❤❤❤

[@MrSanjacG]

This video will lead cause unnecessary divorces 💔

[@viviankang]

You're describing 100% of my current husband. Because he is so nice and loved by most people, I often doubt if he actually is a narcissist. But when he is mean, he can be so dismissive and cruel , no empathy at all. It's almost like there is a different person who lives inside this "nice guy"'s body

[@bronwynsimons7028]

💯 my husband too

[@animal79thecat]

You chose him! Sack him off then!

[@phyllissmith3574]

Too late, I first saw my ex as kids 6 and 8. Officially met in our teens and was inseparable. I fell for the b.s. of love at first sight bc my guy was so nice and caring that I actually fell in a true genuine unconditional love life. For most of our adult lives, that is how we lived. Then going into our senior years, he did the unthinkable. He left me for a 2x divorcee. I didn't find out till after our split that this nice guy was capable of being a liar, cheater, and a thief. Being gullible, I thought he was going through a midlife crisis. The part I hate is the fact that this man was only mirroring my feelings for him. Sad to say, I loved being with this man immensely. I had loved everything about my life with him. Surely didn't help when I was constantly thanking GOD for this union. Being alone and celibate is not how I thought my life would end up. I did thank GOD again bc everything was restored except my love life. HE has blocked every one from me b4 meeting my ex and after the split which makes me think I am being punished for loving my guy too much.

[@Timah30]

Yes that is exactly true and describes the person that is currently in my life. Hopefully very soon I can make an get away.

[@purplefinch29]

Get out if you can 💚

[@dragoninthemoon7719]

This is when the phrase, "behind closed doors", is highly significant. Many victims and abused peoples are often deemed "crazy" or "the problem".

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you so much for the kind words! I really enjoy putting my personal touch on my space and it's wonderful to hear that it resonates with you. Your encouragement means a lot to me!

[@cheesecake4648]

exactly this

[@Oneofthechose]

Sometimes they aren’t mentally stable and make up you calling them crazy(any word can sound like that to them, you can’t talk🤦🏼) 😂🤷‍♂️🫣 put words in yer head and mouth? Behind closed doors can also be- flip and reverse they’re horrible to you in public and not quite as bad behind closed doors but when they are 🤦🏼‍♂️ wow watch out! I couldn’t care less if I’m “liked” I love myself, I’ll never be perfect and I don’t expect that from anyone but… some really think they are? You don’t call someone crazy, but sometimes you do have to talk about whether or not they need professional help cuz noones responsible for another’s healing Some “nice guys” are treated so poorly if they’re weak minded enough they can turn? The world is sad

[@Mandy-gz1xl]

Yes!! How can they not see it?! It’s mostly behind closed doors but definitely not always… what I’ve learned is many people don’t want to see it. I wish I was wrong. 😕

[@RISEwithDona]

A double standard. A complete facade. For sure. Number 4 is especially confusing when it happens.

[@viralynn8120]

Almost 8 years free from my nice guy narcissist, and I still need videos like these to help me not feel like I am crazy.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Wow just shows the extent of the impact egocentric people have.

[@Mandy-gz1xl]

Please know you’re not alone. ❤️ 3 of my family members she literally described perfectly in multiple specific examples. I know these family members are narcissists because they’ve been diagnosed, and I’ve been battling this my entire life. But it STILL is hard, because now that I have very healthy boundaries up with 2 and no contact with 1, they will not stop! They truly cannot stand for me to think badly of them, even though I don’t bad mouth them or treat them badly in return. The fragile egos are soooo obvious now. But yet, they still find ways to confuse me. I’m working on fully getting away from the other 2, but I’m in a rough health situation and need help. 😕 So as soon as I can, I’m going no contact. I never wanted it to be this way, but unfortunately, no matter what I’ve done, they don’t truly change. Countless therapists and psychiatrists have told me to get away from them. And I tell them the complications, and they just freeze up and look so sad. I’m frankly so tired of hearing “I don’t even know what to tell you”. You know it’s super screwed up when mental health professionals who are really good are shocked and confused on how to help you. 😂😂😩😩 So please be kind and gentle with yourself. I have high empathy, so it’s a constant battle for me even though they’re diagnosed. So I know what it’s like. Anyone who has any empathy and the narcissists won’t leave them alone struggle with this. It’ll get better and better as you stay in therapy with someone who truly gets it and keep your boundaries up. You can do this. You’re definitely not crazy if you had a relationship with a narcissist, and I believe you. 😊❤️

[@michaelr3333]

You are crazy. This video is crazy. This is when women think guys think like women. What she is describing is what it means when she helps other people. She cant think for the man. She is completely incorrect.

[@TaintedLoveofaNarc]

Yes. It really does fuck with you're head

[@neurobits]

You’re definitely sick. 8 years! move on, otherwise you’re really the narcissist.

[@dhd-00]

You will be treated like gold for months. Everything is hot and heavy - you found the perfect partner who is attentive, affectionate and passionate. The first red flag is they keep sharing their own stories (non stop blabbing from their aide) and don’t seem to be too interested in what’s going on in your life. The convos always switch back to what’s going on with them. Suddenly there is a switch and they are indifferent. For NO reason. There was no argument, no fight - in fact, the night before might have been one of your best nights together. After that switch, they will never ever come back to normal. You will be faced with constant silent treatment. You will be walking on eggshells. The minute you corner them and ask them what the hell is going on - you will be stonewalled. They gain power this way. You will be CONFUSED af. You will do everything you can to have the “old” them back, because you don’t like this new version. What you need to realize is the “old” version never existed. It was a complete lie and act - learned from friends, movies etc. It was a character made just for you - it’s no surprise you had a lot in common and now suddenly you don’t. The person you fell in love with completely disappeared, they are ghost. It is absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. All you see is the same body without the same soul. The more frustrated they see you - the more the run and push you away because they don’t want you to see that it was all a mask. Affection is out the window at this point. They can barely kiss or hold hands, but when earlier you were on their lap 247. The real them came out and the mask is off - they hate any from of emotion or love because they are not capable of it. You will be faced with constant gaslighting and they will try to distort your reality so you don’t see them for who they really are. You need to run like the wind - this relationship only makes you destroyed. Their friends don’t know.. for the covert ones - only their romantic relationship partners can figure it out. Because they are so careful with their image, it’s all about perception management. And one day… after all the cognitive dissonance and sleepless nights and feeling sick to your stomach.. you open KZbin and it’s a door to all your answers. You are well with a narcissistic psychopath that has no feelings. Leave and never look back. Additionally, Metaspyhub@gmail. com is a company that is ideal if you need to be able to confront a cheating spouse because they have some of the most advanced features in the industry.

[@christinabaer3003]

@dhd-00 You described my own painful experience. I like that you said falling in love with a nice guy was like falling in love with a ghost. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I fell in love with someone who never really existed--it's hard to wrap my mind around that.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Your description captures a heart-wrenching journey, and it's clear you've been through a lot. It's so tough when someone's true colors come to light in such a shocking way. Your strength in facing these realizations is commendable. Thank you for sharing this-it's a powerful reminder to trust our instincts and seek genuine connections.

[@aserpentaria2853]

For f*cks sake, you just described my last relationship 😔

[@phyllissmith3574]

You had described my life, but I was treated like gold for decades. I did struggled with the ghosting, not only me but our immediate family so he could be with the 2x divorcee he left me for. I also hate the fact that my love for this man lasted over half a century with no clue of what this man was capable of. I did live the fairytale this old girl did enjoyed. I also hate the fact throughout our relationship I thanked GOD for our union.

[@tigerlily6637]

Perfectly put. Thank you

[@RuthGuy]

What is terrible is the time they steal. So much time.

[@monejohn9973]

& zero accountability 😅zero

[@alicia2931]

So much time and they love taking your time. That’s the thing with them.

[@spamsausage]

holy shit yes!!!!!! I feel so ashamed for being stuck for so long and I fucking hate how guarded I feel trying to date again. everyone feels like they could like her. it feels so scary 😭

[@ellecimz6618]

I am usually surprised by this. The one who was physically abusive did but besides that even stealing hurts their egos because it is proof they cross boundaries. So usually they are very careful not to but might move your stuff and gaslight you though

[@MungeParty]

​@@ellecimz6618 nobody was talking about stealing.

[@DeniseLavoie-y3t]

My ex was all of these signs. He treated strangers way better than he did me. I use to feel so disrespected & over time became very insecure, confused, just bad about myself

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Gosh that’s really not a nice situation, sorry it dragged on for awhile.

[@BrandiLoveBostic-vk7oi]

But doc my question is if this is a narcissistic behavior, then there are a lot of narcissist in this world, because every man ever met a shown characteristic trait

[@Jdtych]

Being there, at the end of the day feels like you're worth less than any random person..

[@hajiamalgu7599]

Yh me too. My ex had this issue, and no one i would complain to would believe me. He cheated on me and used the matyr complex to justify it among other actions. Also in order to be in compromising situations with other girls which he acted like he couldn't do anything about it. Sad he really destroyed my confidence. It took me years to build it up again and I still am because that ptsd from a covert narcissist is real.

[@hajiamalgu7599]

​@@BrandiLoveBostic-vk7oinot everyone who shows a few traits is a narcissist. Some people are just manipulative or are toxic but not really narcissist

[@misspriss2482]

This was my ex-boyfriend to a T. The worst part about it was that when I dumped him, I lost friends and people turned on me. "How could you break up with him? He was so kind and nice!" You didn't date him, OK? He was only kind and nice when it suited him.

[@fromdoormattoflyingcarpetw407]

Exactly! I waited 8 years to remarry in 2023. I left him after 4 months and 9 days. I was his 5th wife. He was my 2nd husband.

[@JamieModelvsDirector]

Exactly trust me I completely understand ❤

[@kelly4435]

Oh, sure. Mine could be so kind, nice, and engaging with THEM at exactly the same time as he was neglecting, dismissing, or humiliating me. And because even I excused some of it aloud, they had no clue. I felt so, so alone and haven't been able to recover the same type/number of connections ever since.

[@daughterofsekhmet81]

God I HATE that. I have zero doubt my ex has been basking in sympathy from all the people who've only seen his nice guy side ever since I "dumped him for no reason"

[@cheesecake4648]

people marry too often in USA,...@@fromdoormattoflyingcarpetw407

[@andreas.healing.journey]

This describes my ex so well.... I realized after getting away that anytime someone was nice to me i worried they they were trying to manipulate me into letting my guard down. It was rough... I've since healed enough to realize there's genuinely nice people out there but I'm only to the point where as long as i keep them at arms length i can feel safe. Nice guy narcissists really do the most damage imo cause it makes you not be able to trust basic human decency...

[@myrnasan4537]

Being with a narcissist malignant or covert will give you PTSD 😔 keep healing ✨

[@RISEwithDona]

Really feeling for you.. you’re right much healing is needed. I have found that setting kindness as a bare minimum for any relationship really helps.

[@flowergarden-1]

Your last few words were FACT

[@toserveman3712]

This is the best description of my ex-husband I've found. He would always say "But, I'm a nice guy". He was and still is a monster.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's incredibly brave to speak about such difficult personal matters. Recognizing and naming the reality you lived with is an important step in healing. Wishing you strength and support on your journey forward.

[@philippagrimoire5968]

They know they’re not Deep down. He knows what he is

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

I dated a guy who said " I'm a gentle man and unique you can't find men like me anymore" Also him: we can have sx without a condom bc you won't get pregnant anyway at your age ( 41). We just met when he said this. Lol! Gentle man 😂 I think in some cases they may be a bit dumb too.

[@Travelingthefood]

same as the one I dated said ''I'm a good guy'', ''I'm honest''. then I found out he cheated on me.

[@YmustTh3w0rldG0r0und]

So was Ted Bundy.

[@MicheleLHarvey]

The Nice Guy Narcissistic relationship is indeed very difficult & lonely. If you're his/her only target behind closed doors, you can end up blaming yourself & twisting yourself into pretzels for years trying to please them & not know what's wrong. You assume you must be crazy, since no one else seems to see or experience it. Trust your gut & intuition!

[@Mack98421]

My advice to women as a non-narcissist guy that's dealt with many male narcissists; figure it out sooner what you're dealing with. To do that ask straight questions right away and look him right in the eye. Do you want a family? Do you just view me as an object? What is the longterm plan here? Do you have debt? Are you stable? Have you ever cheated on a partner? (Yes you should ask these questions, a good guy will have no problem answering). Don't be ashamed about being open. If he's worth your time he'll be honest and straight questions will be met with honesty and appreciation. If he's not worth your time he'll dodge questions, repeatedly change the subject, manipulate and deceive. Don't confuse nervousness for deception, if he's a good guy he could be nervous so you might not get exactly the answer you're looking for, so you have to be patient like a caring partner would be. But you'll know, if you maintain eye contact, if it's nervousness or if he's running a scheme in his head to manipulate you. If your question doesn't get answered say that it wasn't answered and ask it again, nicely. The longer you wait to find out the harder it will be. If you try to be direct and you're not sure if you're being manipulated you're almost certainly being manipulated. The sooner you do this the better, don't let him charm you, just look straight at him. Don't be mean or anything but stick up for yourself. An honest man will gravitate towards you when you do that, a dishonest man will not be able to hide himself if you are direct.

[@MafiaMTGA]

100%

[@alaalfa8839]

Women are biologically vired as emotional, because of estrogen. Testosterone suppresses estrogen in man´s body so the testosterone is making him more calm to fucs. Narcissists would probably blame women for being more emotional than men, even though it's a biological input, not their own choice. John Gray has better explanations about estrogen and testosterone. Some of them write on KZbin that women blame everythong on emotions or hormones etc. Yes it may be true women may find a way to be calm etc and avoid stress, do some yoga, but probably no always.

[@alaalfa8839]

Even politicians happen to be radical... In Poland they created new law they start to take cars from people who are drinking and driving. If they will drive someone elses car, they will not take the car, but the man or woman will have to pay the cost of the car. Some politician of Poland want to cancel 17 regional radio stations, because of making radio less about politics. People pay taxes and politicians can do what they want. I dont read news but if i do its some nonsense.

[@amberw5908]

Whenever I try this approach and just ask things like "how many relationships have you been in" or "do you have stable employment " or things that should be known, I feel like I'm interrogating them and I just can't do it. I'll try hinting at stuff but that doesn't give the whole truth. Idk how else to research them

[@RAE-homely-fairy-of-the-light]

Thanks Mack!

[@eiehe93-]

In the beginning - It's like finding the most sincere kindest person in the whole wide world. They are nice and gentle. They are affectionate. They will cuddle you and hold you. A couple months in you will notice that they seem to lack in the intimacy department but you will dismiss that to shyness. They will mimic/mirror your style of communication & you the entire time (which goes unnoticed until they become distant with you & use new words). I learned that If you express intimate emotions they will say “I feel the same way for you too or I would do the same thing for you or I love you just as much or I'm glad to hear that.” Which feels insincere and robotic. However you might dismiss that to shyness or inexperience expressing feelings (even tho they could be gorgeous & clearly experienced with women). They will never voluntarily just express their love for you in their own words and say how much they love or miss you. Very rarely will you get an “I miss you" or ” love you" for no reason at all. You will wonder why? Like do they have any feelings? So, you find yourself working harder to make them feel more safe & more loved in hope's that they provide that love back to you. It's easy to dismiss them withholding as a lack of trust or insecurity because they seem so nice. You will look for logic in behaviors and with Coverts there is never any logic which will lead your further down a rabbit hole creating confusion. In time you will start to doubt your own perception of what you see and lack the clarity to see the abuse. You will have more anxiety, lack inner peace & feel tired. Your physical appearance might change where you either gain or lose weight. You struggle to keep yourself at peace. Its exhausting. By now, you have became an expert at everything they like. You take on all the chores and make their life as easy as possible. You feel isolated too b/c they kept you “away". You feel so confused b/c you worked so hard to break down their walls in hopes of a more consistent close bond with them. One day they seem really into you and the next they withhold affection. It's hard trying to figure out what is wrong. The more you vocalize your feelings the more they encourage you with their words that everything is ok. You certainly don't feel “ok" but you make peace with it the best you can and start “withholding” your feelings too b/c they have made you feel like your “too" sensitive and it's too much! Most of the time it will feel like they are present in the flesh but nothing else is going on inside them. Even after all this time you've been together you still feel like you don't really know them. If you happened to gain the courage at a later time to ask more questions as to why things still feel off they will say your being insecure & that they aren't cheating and make you feel like you have issues. If you cry they will watch tv, stare at their phone or even continue to eat dinner. They won't ever give you all their undivided attention & acknowledge your pain. Which makes you more confused bc their actions doesn't match their words. They won't look at you while you cry, they seem like it causes them shame to see you cry. At times you might feel like your having to teach them about feelings as if they were a child. You will wonder why their emotional intelligence seems very immature/off. Everything they have is something you also don't have access too. Their family, phone, friends, bank accounts, pay stubs, credit card statements, and etc. You will start off feeling like they are very private or insecure & years in it now feels like they are super secretive b/c it makes no sense for them to still be so private. They promise things that they don't see through or conveniently feel bad or forget everything that is important to you. They will isolate you and hide their relationship with you. When you express that something about what they are doing isn't right then they act like they lack understanding and that they do nothing to hurt you. You will always be explaining everything and wondering why they just don't get it! They will even use apologies as a form of manipulation. (lack of empathy and no change to their behavior). You will always feel like you need to phone a friend to ask if your situation is normal because this person will give you $200 to pamper yourself but won't invite you to Christmas dinners or let you have access to their phone. They will leave/abandon/ghost you to say they are sleeping at a relative's house then on their way home they will offer to bring you breakfast or something from the store. Even their giving is a form of manipulation. They want to distract you with gifts to keep you off balanced from the emotional abuse they are putting you through. When you ask them why they didn't come home they will say they felt like you didn't want them around or etc. You will spend the entire relationship wondering how someone who seems like such a nice person can be so emotionally cold. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..

[@goldfinger4967]

Very well said. I know exactly what you mean. Lived it. There is only one solution and it's a difficult one....walk away.

[@M.J.R.-bv2oo]

Absolutely agree, confirmed. Thank you & A Higher power blessing to all stoic s . P.s. Female's too can be narcissistic ... Blessed without interest s nor disloyalty, All in the name of love, breakthrough. 🎉 ❤ 🎉

[@olijomusic2481]

I have been with a woman who had many covert traits (I'm a man). I agree with many of these points you made, and cheating, of course is never ok. I also had to break up because of that. That's ironic, because she herself, was always jealous if I even saw some other woman on the streets. She would accuse me of watching them, and the only way I could have saved myself from the accusations, would have been to walk outdoors with my eyes tied. And even then she would have probably accused me of imagining other women. But I think it's completely normal not to let even your significant other to access your bank account (unless you are married, you have kids and you have a clear agreement about how you're using money). Also, I think it's normal not to give full access to your phone, if you still do not have enough trust for each other. Overly careful and mysterious use of phone can be an indicator of cheating. However, I've never cheated, but I still wouldn't want my girlfriend to read all my private messages of my friends, because they are not meant for anyone else. They contain private information about me and my friends also. If she wants to know something, she can ask and I will answer. For me, this sounds like there can also be some kind of an anxious/avoidant attachment dynamics. The anxious search for validation makes him more avoidant, as it makes him feel like he's losing his freedom. At the same time, his avoidant behavior makes you feel more and more anxious. It's a vicious cycle. I don't know the details of your story, and I don't recommend taking back a cheater. But based on this comment, I recommend you to also reflect your own anxious behavior. Because I think it can also be overly anxious behavior to demand a full access to someones personal bank account or phone (however, asking to see who is he talking with, when there's a valid reason to suspect cheating is different).

[@peculiareze902]

My heart goes out to you. ❤️ Totally understand this, and thank you for explaining so clearly, much better than I've ever been able to put my experience in words So happy you found freedom and Peace. Thank you.

[@susyt6628]

How did you just describe my whole relationship? 😢

[@VictoriaMcDaniels]

I just had a terrible break up with a guy like this 2 weeks before my 29th birthday. It was the most traumatic experience because I told my entire family that he was the one. Only to find that I had become romantically involved with another narcissist. Thank God that relationship only lasted 8 months 🙏🏽

[@MAPSMAPS1234]

Me too - four weeks before my 39th. we had all these plans and he took someone new who he reached out to as soon as we split to go on all the dates we’d planned.

[@IB23118]

Same me, we had lucky escape terrible break up

[@rebeccamay6420]

Eight months to a year -- that matches the pattern I've seen. They can only pretend to be decent for so long, and when it's not as fun or as new, they get bored and stop putting energy into maintaining the façade.

[@IB23118]

@anolds24 omg it's unbelievable

[@MAPSMAPS1234]

@@IB23118 it must be nice being a fkkboi. All you have to worry about is procuring victims. So much harder not becoming one.

[@PancakeX]

When the nice guy makes you feel like you're very selfish and over-entitled just because you have simple wants, intimacy, closeness, needs, or concerns. With any inch of communication you give, they give you an entire mile of distance to walk it while they are continuing to tend to their self validation needs like it's some obsession or drug. Then comes the tidal wave of "oh you're being too dramatic" or "oh my gosh you always have sudden outbursts" in order to gaslight you into believing that you're "too extreme" or "intense" when approaching any issues. And then get called "you're too thirsty" or something ridiculous like that when you're simply seeking at least an ounce of physical affection all after you having been made used to the physical affection exclusively during the love bombing stage. I think one of the best analogies to this is, "They fill you to the brim and then starve you once they get what they wanted. They make you happy with scraps, but the scraps are only readily used for keeping you on the leash."

[@LaughingLead]

These are narcs who give the bare minimum

[@concertoinx9070]

Damn that analogy at the end sounds like a few MMO games I used to play haha. But yeah I can see how the rose-tinted glasses have a lasting effect.

[@artangelus86]

Eye opening really. This is definitely my husband! He abandoned me at a function at his family's house when I knew no one, then roped in a teenager to ask her if my behavior was like that of a high-schooler. I told him it wasn't fair to bring another person into our relationship problems, and it wasn't cool of him to ditch me. It was a huge fight he brought up several more times.

[@Tsuki7786]

The sudden outbursts, intense or extreme thoughts or emotions... nice guy gaslighting and minimizing I know it all too well now

[@Nick-xo7bl]

@@artangelus86What was the behaviour of yours that he was referring to? What did you do that gave him a reason to leave you there? Who was this random teenager?

[@dianeclayton4936]

Wow! This really hits home! The cognitive dissonance in a relationship with someone like this is mentally destructive. The lack of authentic relating is mind scrambling. My mother and my last partner displayed these traits. I find myself highly suspect of "nice" behavior as a result of these relationships. Thanks for the clarity!

[@mtc-j9i]

Same! My mother and my ex husband. In the end, they banded together lol. That was what it took to open my eyes to the toxicity.

[@carolnahigian9518]

A man who says I am perfect, BUT.... ! He is phoney..!

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

Such a helpful video! You're so right about their inconsistent behavior. Mine was always there for others and would abandon me. It was a so confusing and hurtful. I learned that he had no empathy for me. And yep, he leaned on me for financial help. He lied about money he had coming in. He has left me in major debt.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Glad it was helpful!

[@susanfernandez5817]

You just described everything about my husband of 37years. It took me so long to figure this out and finally wake up to what was happening. He is a super nice guy and very involved in the church and all of his commitments to the church always took priority over me and my needs. He is such a do gooder that I felt selfish for having any needs. It turned out to be a very lonely unhappy, unfulfilled life. I finally left him 3weeks ago. Now I am facing a lot of opposition from my children because he has brainwashed them and they just don't understand what I have been through. I have tried to explain but they just don't get it. Hopefully in time they will understand and I won't be looked upon as the bad guy who broke up the family. 😢

[@ThePossumone]

Yes our kids don’t get it

[@rochellevincentevonk]

Maybe u can send your kids this link?!

[@susanfernandez5817]

@@rochellevincentevonk thank you so much.

[@tomu7942]

Wow... you are the narcissist in your story.. you just wany to justify your reason for leaving your marriage. You are really a homewrecker woman. That not how a godly woman would respond to a marriage relationship. You are a worldy woman and selfish too.. your kids are not brainwashed they know what is true observation and commonsense

[@TheXtrafresh]

a problem with shared children is that a narcissist truly has no boundaries or rules they won't break to 'win'. This is a fight in which you have no advantages, so it's best to avoid (the fight, not your children). Any "friction surface" you offer will result in hard, dirty fighting. Instead, be like teflon: let everything just slide off. To do this, talk in vague terms, take some blame (also vague), and make both yourself and the fight as boring as you possibly can. Something along the lines of "I couldn't keep up with him" and "I need to work on myself". Neither of those is false from the sounds of it. Sooner or later, people in your orbit will gravitate towards the newly created chaos-free zone you offer. Some will, and some wont. But when they do, you will be amazed at how smooth and pleasant your interactions are. Especially when you manage to not talk about him at all. Even now, only a handful of your very closest friends will be receptive of the full truth. For everyone else, the less said, the better. Vague, responsible, boring. Good luck with your healing process, I'm just starting mine too!

[@clp480]

What’s even scarier is if they are well known but deep down nobody really knows who they are in real life. People will have a “nice” view of them. They’ll manipulate the story about you to fit their public image. Be careful! They are out for blood, especially if you reject the “nice” guy.

[@danielapolo7346]

Blood?

[@danielapolo7346]

What will happen?

[@ptycat]

Yep. Broke up with my narcissist ex because he had absolutely no compassion or empathy and everything was always about him. Every time I tried to vent or share my difficult emotions, it became a story about him. When I would get upset at his behavior, he’d “forget” what he said, invalidate my feelings, and use emotional baiting (“oh I’m so tired of being the bad guy” woe is me b.s.). So I left 3 months ago and dude kept trying to reach out just to try and argue so I had to block his number and email. He couldn’t accept the truth of why I broke up with him so he told all his friends that I was a horrible, piece of shit, person and made up numerous fake stories about why we broke up. I should add I’m 28 and dude was 40!!! Yet he had the emotional intelligence of a 8 yr old.

[@ellecimz6618]

​@@danielapolo7346depends on the type/intelligence level. The goal is to ruin you in some way. So if they "gave" you things in life they will take it away (social groups, jobs, gifts maybe, etc). They may try to turn people in your life beyond that against you, maybe give out your information, try to marr your rep so no one believes you were abused by them, they will see anything negative you say as an attack. If you didn't let them in close enough/want to move on from their social groups etc it may not work but many people end up letting them close enough that they can do real damage.

[@michaelr3333]

Thats because its really just you thats the problem.

[@NalaMahal]

I met a nice guy, or so I thought, and he did all these things. I started pulling back from this when we started representing himself as “the hero” or “the desired” person in his stories. He loved telling me times about how he saved the day; how we was the smartest student in his undergraduate program and one of his professors allowed him (the student) to teach a few lessons; and how he’s so attractive, women would stare into his eyes. Then I started fact checking. My best friend found his LinkedIn page where he said he was a university professor. We searched the university and no where did it say he was teaching at that school. Also, he never mentioned the university on his LinkedIn. I’m glad we mutually ended after two dates because their egos are fragile and I didn’t want to find out how he is when rejected.

[@Smileater]

I’m happy you avoided years of progressive pain. I got into a relationship with a nice-guy/covert narcissist for 5 years. It was very difficult to spot the patterns, specially because I had been doing volunteering and activism at the time and she was too. I could tell suspect someone that “caring” could then cheat on me after the first 10 months. I did not see it. As professionals explain, I was deeply in shock so I “gaslighted myself” to believe that did not happen, I justified her harming disrespectful behavior and convinced myself is was not a big deal… IT WAS A BIG DEAL. From that moment she started to change her behavior progressively and be more controlling, more suspicious of whatever I did (mirroring), started demanding for more attention and care (she pretended I should act as I did before her cheating and would get outraged or sad that “I was not the same”). She would cross boundaries and constantly turn most conversations in ones about her and her problems. Triangulation was also on the table every-time, she would tell me about all these other guys that were hitting on her or flirting. She was “subtly “ aggressive whenever I had some constructive criticism and would try to stop me from doing that saying my comments were not helping at all while she would passive-aggressively suggest many changes and different approaches or ideas to what I was doing with my life (many times these people would refer to others as idiots or they will make it clear to you they think so about others -and probably you too, but they won’t say it because you’re their main validation source and they need you to not feeling terrible about themselves).

[@jordanharrison8769]

That's just a liar. Not the same thing as what the video describes.

[@letym2271]

Oh god. Finally someone covered this type of narcissism. This was exactly, word by word, my experience :(

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing.

[@freedomdude5420]

This could be why actually nice guy get burned by women.

[@HersheyChocolateChip]

​@@freedomdude5420right Because according to the comments I've read, it seems like they're so used to be did so bad til where I feel sorry for the next man in line. He's gotta pay for everything she's went through

[@prosie8419]

Married to this nice guy narc for 24 yrs- a clergyman- thx for exact description - the rage was hard to take- not about me but even as a witness awful to live w on top of everything else. The triangulation awful too/ Got out at 65 yrs old- can’t believe I’m alive. Hope everyone hears this- save yourself. Bless 🙏🙆🏻‍♀️💜

[@donttreadonme2]

I'm 55.... so scared to start over at this age. Been with my husband for 28 years, and we've had a lot of good times, but there was also a lot I never understood about his behavior through the years. One thing I never thought he was, was a cheater. He proclaimed his undying, loyal, love to me and about me to others for years. Then I found out he'd been hitting on, and was pretty much obsessed with his young co worker. I couldn't believe it as it had gone on for 2 years. Heartbroken and confused, I sought help and realized I've been living with a covert narcissist for all these years. Though it brought some clarity, it also brought a real feeling of pain and massive grief realizing the man I was so truly in love with, really wasn't truly in love with me like I believed he was. Yet, he says he loves me more than anything, and always has. It's been a couple years now since that happened, but things have never been good since. We're still together and I'm sad everyday. I've asked him to leave but he just ignores me. It's like I have no voice... I finally realized I haven't had one for years. NOT one that his ears can hear anyway. I'm proud of you for getting out at 65. You're brave AF!!! Wishing you the best life!

[@prosie8419]

O I hear you. I understand the fear. If u can find a therapist and even a lawyer to help u through leaving it would be great. Step at a time. I worked with a therapist who specialized in narcissistic abuse survivors. Find peace/find wholeness. Unraveling a life is enormous but a sign of bravery and healing and step toward wholeness. Bless🙏💜

[@maddyline5797]

@@donttreadonme2 You've got this! It's not even starting over at this point, it's just moving on. It's not only up to him to bring it to an end, you also have a voice no matter how much he's worn it out of you. Make sure you change your passwords and get records of all tax, financial, retirement, mutual acct and identity docs (drivers license/passport) secured then call for a consult to a local lawyer to review your options. You're alone in the relationship anyways so give yourself the chance to find something new, even if it is just the absence of the manipulation and mindgames.

[@rubybegonia7052]

@@donttreadonme2Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[@bartholetbayana9198]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@michael-gg2rh]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@bartholetbayana9198]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@michael-gg2rh]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@bartholetbayana9198]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@ferronmorris852]

Just a suggestion I had the same challenges with woman ... this could help as a start a d get you back on your path and mode also to be more creative when deal with coping with missing ur ex and to get on with moving on ... check out coach Greg Adams ... free agent 😎😎🤔😀

[@YourGuiltyConscience]

My last serious relationship was with a "Nice Guy" who only seemed superficially nice but he couldn't reciprocate strong emotions, avoided conflict, and generally seemed happier by himself. Our kids have even called him "nice but emotionally detached". They said hes "lucid living" where he is a successful guy but is visibly just going through the motions. I thought it was introversion, but truly think he may be on the spectrum after some research. Our oldest son describes wholesome interactions with him as "simply missing something".. but everyone in his life loves him bc of the superficial niceness. We coparent by superficially smiling at eachother and being as agreeable as reasonable. It makes me sad that our kids feel his "masking" and the subtle void that comes with his presence but I do feel vindicated in knowing that my feeling of persistent longing for true connection in our relationship wasn't a delusion.

[@juniemcb]

This happened to me too. You feel “disconnected “. That’s the worst way to feel in a marriage. You give way more than you receive. And its hard to explain to friends and family all that this dr just said.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear this. Thanks for sharing.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

A person on spectrum can reciprocate emotions though you may not notice it as it can show differently than a typical person would expect. As for avoiding conflict it might look like they do at first but more that don't recognized the conflict initially but they will come back to after processing it and not avoiding it. The key point I find, people on spectrum are not seen as the nice guy no matter how nice they are. We come off as weird. It can be a weird nice I suppose but it's often not trusted. The reason is my body language is not correct for typically people to accept my niceness with trust.

[@jenlazee]

Yes. This is my husband. Exactly.

[@YourGuiltyConscience]

@jenlazee Thank you for this.. it feels nice to know someone can relate. I'm sorry that we went for the nice guy just to Still end up feeling alone. It isn't a great realization to have to sit with. I hope the universe surrounds you with love & connection that Truly resonates with your spirit.. even if the source isn't from an intimate partner🌺

[@YourGuiltyConscience]

A vulnerable-narcissist I used to know was absolutely emotionally soul sucking. Thinking about him crying for hours during the slightest sign of conflict still makes me cringe. He called me amazing just to fill the silence and seemed bothered when his constant empty flattery wasnt received with enrhusiasm. He was turning 50 and still didnt understand why his antics kept running women off. Lost cause.

[@mspw574]

I knew a guy just like this. Yuck!

[@steggopotamus]

Empty flattery is so on point. That's exactly the right word for what they do. Always ask for details when a person compliments you.

[@sameenrizvi9224]

Lmao this is my ex husband that I divorced last year. I have never cringed so hard at the empty flattery and fake tears than I do now in retrospect!

[@mercuriaono8487]

Their narcissistic rage manifests as backstabbing, cheating on you, trying to hurt you in indirect ways like somehow you’ve lost your job because they filed a secret complaint against you etc, ghosting and showing up nice after It’s extremely insidious If anyone watches/reads Game of Thrones - little finger is a good example imo

[@ganymeade5151]

Workplace narcissists are about the worst.

[@helenarichard]

I think filing complaints (slander) against you, is more borderline or full on sociopathy. It's a step further. A classic narcissist does not do the effort to actively ruin someone's life. That is a step further into sociopathy or even psychopathy. But since psychopaths and sociopaths are automatically narcissists, you could meet a narcissist who is actually a sociopath or psychopath. This is why if anyone who shows me the slightest sign of narcissism is out the door for me. They could always turn out to be sociopaths. I was with a psychopath for a short while but it started as narcissism (manipulating, love bombing, lying, cheating, vanity), then sociopathy (the slander, gaslighting, bullying, public humiliation and insulting my friends and family, my looks and my work), and then psychopathy (rape, statutory rape, physical abuse, fraud, violence, illegal gun ownership, drugs, speeding, attempted murder to all different people in his surroundings). So glad I escaped.

[@IshtarNike]

​@@helenarichardI think this is true. Classic narcissistics are opportunists and are actually kind of lazy in many ways. If they have an opportunity to file a complaint, like they're actively a client of your business, then they might, but they wouldn't plan out a whole thing to do that from the outside.

[@meowkity1]

Iv read other women’s experience as well as my non own, where the narcs were setting boogie traps to hurt us

[@arcadiablue3006]

​@@IshtarNikemaybe, but if ruining your life makes them seem like the better person, could it be worth the trouble? Nevermind, I'm pretty sure my first husband was borderline and a sociopath at the very least, not just a cover narc.

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

being shocked by boundary violation is the one that has really warped my sense of humanity and self still in freeze phase

[@rickcassandra851]

Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless. -Jeffery Kluger Here are some characteristics of the Narcissist. These characteristics apply to males and females 1. Self-centered. His/Her needs are paramount. 2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds. 3. Unreliable, undependable. 4. Does not care about the consequences of their actions. 5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never their fault. 6. Little if any conscience. 7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others. 8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others. 9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage. 10. People are to be manipulated for their needs. 11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to their gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry. 12. Pathological lying. 13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others. 14. No real values. Mostly situational. 15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate. 16. Angry, mercurial, moods. 17. Uses sex to control 18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions. 19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word. 20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment. Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Hackspyhub@gmail. Com , where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........

[@stanwinx1144]

my ex fits many of these descriptions but he used to be the first to forgive others to seem like the good guy, he always put his friends needs 'equally' or above mine because he was trying to keep everyone happy. But many people told me how they hated him and didn't understand why i was with him, i tend to see the light in everyone and i could see the good he had done but disregarded how terribly wrong he had done me. Many people hated him but still acted like everyone adored him

[@Inkpinkierosie]

Typically I've noticed I kept attracting either bad boys or the nerdy guys who are the nice guys never again and he was bipolar and cheated on me and married the next person

[@msSAN300]

I still had my doubts as to whether the guy I still can´t get over (after a year of us separating) was a narcissist. After seeing this video I see he ticks all the boxes... He was such an amazing, loving, helpful man for the first 6 months, I never saw the change coming. He did not really love bomb me at the beginning nor show any other sign until later on in the relationship, by that time I had already fallen deeply in love. As time passed more and more of the mask came off and I realised his kindness to people was only motivated by personal gain. His absolute lack of empathy for human beings and animals was revealed in a way that, thinking back, was almost like a horror movie. It so damn hard to wrap my head around this. As if I had been dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

[@sheberry2895]

That's what I called my ex😂. He'd start to get upset and I could feel it coming and I'd say, "Not today Mr Hyde, me and Dr Jekyll don't have nothing to be into it about," ... Either that or something on the lines of that😂 when it was over and I searched for help on yt to better understand what I had experienced, I found that is really a thing to categorize their energy and behavior as Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde... I was shocked and relieved at the same time that I, after all, was NOT the problem.

[@jordanharrison8769]

Keep in mind that men who aren't narcissist may "love bomb" you because they like you and are trying to win you over. This is because the expectation women have is not something that is reasonably sustainable. So like any sprinter, they start out strong and fade as the effort begins to put too much strain on them.

[@MsTigerest]

Keep in mind (those who trying to understand narcissism): being direct is nice. Of course, respectfully. Ppl who are not direct and use silent treatment, ghost, etc is very childish.

[@fionataylor4269]

I thought I was a bit of an expert in narcissism , until I met the nice guy narc, it was soooo confusing / traumatic. Brilliant video.

[@jordanharrison8769]

That's because women think everyone they don't like is a narcissist.

[@unconditionalcolors]

same, I thought that I had learned so much about narcissism only to find myself in a relationship with someone like this and have my reality flipped on its head again! thank you for your comment, I feel less crazy hahaha

[@fionataylor4269]

@@unconditionalcolors Thanks a lot, that is what this is all about learning and supporting others. Like you said the nice guy narcs really flip your head out. I walked away in the end. The last mind game/ silent treatment was horrendous, I got out for my sanity and self respect. Keep well.

[@asmrfoodieuk7965]

Same I had already dealt with over the top love bombing narc many years ago, then came the covert narc slash quiet borderline and now nice guy narc! I was fooled for a few hours in his company the first time I met him but not entirely fooled as I felt something was really off, did some digging and found some serious skeletons, lies, manipulations. Thank god it didn't go any further. To me he was by far the most dangerous as there was no love bombing, all he did was mirror me so the classic signs weren't there or would be extremely hard to detect after only spending a few hours in their company. Luckily I'm well switched on.

[@maureenmango7829]

I was something is off...I could even say it loud...I want to feel you but something feels off...I started feeling anxious,tired,emotions up and down...and I was right😂😂😂😂😂 I learn

[@djmandyland]

THIS!! My ex is an absolute saint to others but was horrid to me. He would preach helping and understanding others and their feelings etc and I would alway say why can't I be in that boat too?! He would just yell at me and say I don't deserve it because I am disrespectful to him. literally never made sense he just found any excuse to not be nice to me because he knew I was the one he could take his mask off around and "be himself"

[@danielle6470]

That's mindblowing smh 😔

[@Ysmfotografie]

Mijn exvriend wordt hier helemaal beschreven. Guru en life coach. Altijd bezig anderen te dienen. Ik stond achteraan in de rij. Moest daarmee ook dienend zijn naar al die anderen. Als de deur dicht was kwam er iemand anders naar boven. Controlerend en obsessief. Heel veel behoefte aan steun en hulp. Alles was een chaos, financieel en administratief. Ik verloor mijn geld in bijna faillissementen. Men loopt met hem weg, lovende reviews op de website. Ik moest buitenshuis in codetaal spreken. Buitenshuis was op een heel groot bosterrein. Waar niemand kwam en als er iemand kwam en hij vergat zelf in codetaal te spreken dan was dat een grote fout die ik maakte door hem niet te waarschuwen. En ja de charmante nice guy is hij. Vrouwen jong en oud lopen met hem weg. Ik ben allergisch geworden voor woedeuitbarstingen en verbale agressie. Niemand zou me geloven dat deze regelmatig voor kwamen. Want niemand maakt ze mee. Deze video zegt alles wat ik niet kan uitleggen.

[@jerryvandevort2366]

I'm just glad you got out of that.

[@fionataylor4269]

Relate to this. Everyone in the end exposes themselves , they thought we would continue to put up with their falseness, we did not.

[@lovenature4802]

​@@fionataylor4269i recently in love with a guy now think he is a nice guy narcist. I have to trust my feeling. He is too nice at the same time he can be very cold. It is very hard cause I m in love but I keep distance and I think he feels now that I got hem because he stops contacting me too because they do not like confrontation. It means the mask off what they will never do. I think I m making the right choice how hard it feels 😢

[@Pammydoo769]

Thank you so much for validating why I recently got out of my past relationship. He exhibited so many of these traits, but because I've only really been with overt narcissists, I was doubting whether he was actually a narc. I now know that I did the right thing by getting out of that, and I feel so much better. 😊

[@McD-j5r]

You said something that I think is very common: meet more actors in life than truthful beings. I can count on my fingers to remember how many real, genuine people I have known my whole life. The safer way is to be truthful toward ourselves and learn who we are. This is how to detect quickly when you find “nice” people. Never forget that the human species is considered to be a predator species. At the same time, we have an angel in us.

[@godschildyes]

This is wonderful! Thank you for sharing! 💜🙏

[@janetryan4612]

​@user-rc2xs5ti2w Another great observation - exactly how I've been thinking about people these days....

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@TheAttractionTriggers]

*The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.*

[@briarts]

This seems to describe the guy I'm involved with. He seemed like the perfect gentleman at first and was very helpful when I needed his help with things. Now, he can still be sweet but then switch to dismissive and ignore things I say. We have to do things on his terms.

[@triangels]

Perhaps you have a masculine leader, and you’re struggling with him, getting the last word, as leader.

[@briarts]

@@triangels No, that's what I initially thought and was hoping may be the case as I did want him to lead. Being submissive comes natural to me. I tried to take a step back and follow his lead but that's when I found out he truly was manipulative, dishonest, and lacks accountability. He would lead us off of a cliff and find a way to blame the cliff.

[@lucyevans5428]

Be wary of being love bombed - amazing intimacy romance sex and emotion . A few months down the line you realise it was all an act , a big lie and they manipulated you for money / a roof over their head etc and you end up heartbroken .

[@tropicaoptica]

Never provide for a man. No matter if he is a narc or not. The man is supposed to provide if anyone is. And of course, only let a man provide for you if you have a back up plan. Preferably a marriage contract too that guarantees your alimony if he screws you over. Its a small compensation for a womans youth. Find a man that values that! Womans youth is VALUABLE. A man can easily start over with a new young wife and family well after his 40s, stop giving your time and youth away for free, or worse, paying for a man!

[@DockClock-rp2ro]

​@@tropicaopticaThis doesn't sound considerate to men who get taken advantage of for alimony.

[@ganymeade5151]

@@DockClock-rp2ro My advice is never take alimony unless the guy is very wealthy. Otherwise, they will get back at you for taking their girlfriend money and will get angry about providing support when you have new relationships.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

@@tropicaopticayou are funny. It’s 2023 you can provide for your own independent self. And why would anyone enter a contract where one party is rewarded for breaking it??? You are living in a fantasy. I do agree that once women hit the wall their smv is very low and men goes up as the age they get more attractive and are more stable financially

[@tropicaoptica]

@@Clevelandsteamer324 my husband who is nearly 50 and I’m in my mid 30s provides for us fully doing work he loves and makes plenty so of course he is happy to have me stay home. I get to be a low stress wife with energy for him when he gets home, I manage the house and create the aesthetic here which I love doing and my husband values coming home to, I cook dinner most week day nights, I clean (though he does help some as he is a clean freak like me), I work out and focus attention on my beauty upkeep which my husband appreciates, I do our home garden and plants, I take care of our animals, I keep up with the social/family connections, and we have been hosting a lot of holiday parties lately that I’m in charge of and love doing, why the hell would my husband have me working if we don’t need it and I can focus on the home and stuff I love doing here and is as equal of a benefit to our quality of life? I wouldn’t have time or energy to focus on everything and work full time too and not just be completely exhausted. He takes pride in providing and comes from a family of provider men. When we met I had a career as a vet tech, but over time I worked less and less and we are just much happier how things are now. I have so much more energy. My husband can work all day and still have energy and want sex. Men are biologically superior. If a woman gives her youth to him, it’s worth her provision and protection after divorce. That man can just go start over with a new young wife. Of course prenups help create rules so both people feel protected. But if she keeps up to her end of the deal she should get alimony if it doesn’t work out, and a good man would be happy to. My uncle did that for his wife. And we are all still close to her and they have a good co parenting relationship. She did get remarried and now he no longer pays her alimony.

[@stephanied.2488]

This is the best description I’ve heard of a covert narc on the entire internet. And there is a lot of material out there. Well done, ma’am 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Oh wow thank you for the compliment.

[@kathykonkle1097]

This kind is very similar to my "Rescuer Narcsisist."

[@thewholeyou]

A rescuer is just a nice narc​@@kathykonkle1097

[@dahliafiend]

Covert is the name. I was with one. She’s the exact opposite of her persona. It’s terrifying.

[@yvettewiskar1752]

I have just gotten out of a relationship with a man who I thought was someone very different. I am absolutely broken hearted and I feel like a fool. Over 5 years with him. He has lied, manipulated and betrayed and hurt me massively. Definitely makes me feel insignificant and alone! I was surprised but I think he met 12 of those points. Heart wrenching when you realise your life has been an illusion.

[@iseeyounarcs]

So sorry luv you are going through this! It will take 100% no contact and belief that you are going to be okay. Hang in there sis you got this. Hugs!❤❤❤

[@yvettewiskar1752]

​@@iseeyounarcs thank you ❤

[@cindykullman853]

So sorry this happened to you. I understand what you are going through. Same thing just happened to me. Also 5 years. It is so painful when those illusions start to fall away and the awful truth is revealed. I am confident in my eventual recovery because I didn't lie, and I honoured my commitments. I bet you did too. At least we have that. As time goes on, I realize who is really the insignificant one. We were a bit gullible, perhaps, but we wanted to be loved and to believe in love. That's not a bad thing. It becomes a bad thing when we believe a narcissist. That is one example of how they use our basic and natural human needs and desires against us. Big hugs to you, sister!

[@SJ-um2ym]

You just nailed my husband to an absolute T. 15 years of trauma and counting. My mother is a covert narcissist and I fell right into another narc trap. Now I’m in a position where I have no support whatsoever. I wish I’d seen the truth earlier.

[@zippermonster9596]

Dude are you me? i have in the last year been abandon by my parents siblings and x i was homeless you have to keep pushing and MINIMIZE your responsibilities to the abre minimum. ANd I mean minimize, clothing, books, projects you were going to get to, anything extra you don't need purge that shit. Its the only way to push past this mess and not eat yourself alive. It is a loss, but it ends up a gain. you wil see. But girl, Or boy who ever you are, minimize any clutter physically so you can focus on meeting your mental needs, RESTING as much as you desire, getting healthy self care habits, RESTING, LOTS OF REST. Your souls is tired and running on fumes. Push to survive physically, purge any extra so you don't have to exert physical energy. then you can focus on your mental healing with a less stressed body because the body also has lots to heal.

[@22zanners]

Me too, trying to make my exit plan. Wanna Golden Girls with me? 🤣

[@eaglessoar6830]

This was extremely well explained. Covert, possibly religious and vulnerable can be linked to the nice guy narcissist. They absolutely need other people to see them as good, but also need to project their inner hatred onto someone else. Very dangerous ultimately self-destructive people whose aim is to destroy their targets first, or more preferably manipulate the target to destroy themselves. Everything they do is planned to keep up their grandiose fantasy of the perfect admired nice, 'good' person while always leaving a trail of destruction behind and around them of people who have been unfortunate enough to have gotten entangled in their web.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

So true. Thanks for your comments.

[@janetryan4612]

So well summarized... validating - matches my personal inner observations of certain people who have crossed my path over the last few years.

[@jenlazee]

Nailed it

[@aselyne5631]

So talked to a guy who told me his two exes committed suicide.... should I run

[@sharonpool3831]

@@aselyne5631as fast as you can

[@babycakes8434]

So many of those signs were in my 12 year "relationship". It is frightening how many. I knew he was a narcissist, but would not be able to name those elements myself. I luckily run away years ago. I always felt that my real life that I deserved was going on in a parallel reality, and I was stuck in that lonelines with him that I didn't deserve, and didn't know how to escape....

[@deborahmahon5451]

Same

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

You haunt your own life

[@godschildyes]

I am so very proud of you for getting out! 💜🙏

[@babycakes8434]

@@godschildyes Thank you. It took me many years of struggling back and forth with myself. The last straw, and blessing was me discovering that he is cheating on me. That gave me that push and motivation that I needed. Even though I was devastated, I am thankfull that I discovered that, and gave myself a second chance in life. I think some super powers were watching over me at that time, because many things aligned for me much better than if I ever planned them myself.

[@amandac7056]

You describe that perfectly

[@transitionsnc]

This is a good video. I had a gay male friend like this (I'm a female.) We were friends for 20 years but always lived in different cities. There were a few red flags but overall he seemed like a "nice" guy and the red flags didn't affect me directly since we mostly spoke on the phone and didn't see each other very often. In 2019, I relocated back to my home city, where he also lived. We saw each other more often and it took me about a year to realize he is a covert narcissist. He was very good at pretending to care and pretending to be empathetic when he really didn't care at all. When I realized what was going on, I distanced myself and we haven't spoken in almost 3 years. Sometimes people like my former friend are very hard to spot, especially if you don't see them very often. Once I did a deep dive into narcissism, I can now spot the signs quicker and I'm grateful for this. I realize you're discussing romantic relationships in the video but I've found this in my friendships as well.

[@martyvirtue4051]

I totally relate. Having been a narc magnet I came to realise ALL of my friends lovers and acquaintances were narcs. I had to kick them ALL out. Truly. It is a giant mourning process but it also creates space for others, I mean healthy loving and caring relationships. Good luck.

[@transitionsnc]

Thanks. I appreciate your comment. I've had the same experience. I didn't realize how many of my "friends" were either narcissists or had a lot of narcissistic tendencies.@@martyvirtue4051

[@tropicaoptica]

Lots of closet gay men are covert narcs and have a deep resentment towards woman and use them without shame.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Sorry to hear you have been put through that, its aweful, feel ladly for you. I know that is like too, Ive had to say goodbye to a long term man and companion, friend of over 25 yrs. Just know you are gonna make it, your friend will come to realize he lost a really good person in his life. I wish you the best of luck. Peace and Take care of you.

[@transitionsnc]

Thank you very much.@@LynnSandler-j9k

[@Sirg17x]

Wife and I are splitting. She discarded me, but honestly as I have learned about narcissism I have taken this as a blessing in disguise. The points in this video that matched up were the gaslighting, the love felt conditional or occasional. When she went into a tear down of me phase she got really ugly like she turned into a monster. She didn't take criticism and never really worked on her own faults in the relationship. She also understandably was close to her mom and sisters, but she would always have these blow ups and then run and cry to them. Tearing me down to others that I had a lot of respect for. It always hurt that she wanted to share how she was wronged in a situation she created rather than ever really take steps to address any issues in the relationship. In the end I was left to feel like I was to blame. I really beat myself up the first month after the separation. I questioned a lot of things. Mentally I went through some low spaces. I had a goal to fix myself to be better for her. Looking back I feel so blind running on the endless treadmill. She even set a 3 month mark from the separation to discuss possibly talking about getting back together. However, in a fight she brought up that she had slept with someone else. This took place less than 3 weeks since we separated and within the "working on it" time frame. I was devastated, I was in shock, I was on the verge of losing my mind. This was when I dropped the burden. This is when I learned about covert narcissism, this is when I was able to finally accept it and texted to tell her that we were done, there was no use in reconciling, and to start looking into divorce. I contacted a lawyer within the next couple weeks, because I felt like my future was bright, but in danger due to her inability to truly care about anyone else.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

She attempted to “Hoover” you back in and also “triangulated” you to make you feel badly. People don’t discard people they love. They discard people they were using. It’s hard to come to grips with, but you were merely an appliance to her. Used to regulate her emotions. Once you malfunctioned you were discarded like yesterday’s news. It hurts. And what hurts more is most people don’t understand the level of abuse you have been subjected to. Practice self love. Take it easy on yourself. Read “power” by shaida arabi. You tube channels: hg Tudor, little shaman, Sam vaknin. There is a ton of free therapy on you tube. God bless you. You are worthy of a loving partner. You must break the trauma bond or you will be stuck forever.

[@RobLast-vh7dl]

Taken me 3 years to get over my ex , I knew there was something wrong when I was driving down the road on Christmas Day with her on the bonnet like a scene from zombies attacking my window screen

[@RobLast-vh7dl]

Needless to say was nothing the brakes didn’t sort out 😂😂😂

[@kwyatt261]

I'm absolutely shocked that there aren't 15 comments under yours from women telling you that you were/are the problem

[@RepressedPanda]

Notice how the women don't care about your problem? I seriously doubt most of the female commenters have actually dealt with a narcissist. Women think they can watch a KZbin video or read an article and think they can diagnose narcissism.

[@wangcheng3940]

Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

[@SamuelLee-kc3rh]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@wangcheng3940]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@SamuelLee-kc3rh]

Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@wangcheng3940]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@gracesanity6314]

Here you are again on another site saying the same thing. Go get help for your sake. Your obsessed.

[@claudiasbarra1882]

Thank you so much. The cognitive dissonance I had of being with him for over 25 years made my body so so sick. And : we are kind of enmeshed with them and we are picking up also many traits of them and so we are not authentic anymore . It costs years to do the work to find ourselves back again.❤

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Gosh that’s a long time, well done on finding yourself again.

[@claudiasbarra1882]

@dr.beckyspelman thank you, I have been raised by a covert narcissistic mother. I am still in the beginning of finding my real self and it feels so great. This keeps me going forward and not to give up. Thank you so much and best wishes ❤️

[@dr.beckyspelman]

@@claudiasbarra1882 you’re welcome. Thanks for watching and commenting.

[@recovered4life]

Thank you for this comment. I really resonate with it and love how you worded it. My "nice guy narc" is my dad. He behaved this way with my mom, too (she left him, got free, then died of cancer). Living with him in adulthood for 3+ years as his caregiver made my mind and body rapidly deteriorate. I am slowly recovering in my own place now, looking for work so I can pay my rent. ❤

[@claudiasbarra1882]

@recovered4life I am so sorry for you and your mother. I wish you so much love and abundance and that you can embody that you deserve the best. ❤️🍀

[@kellithomas9080]

I truly thought I had found my person and we were just an instant match! Had no idea that 13 years ago, I met a damn covert narcissist!! It has been pure hell and I just recently discovered what he was in 2021 and still didn’t want to accept it!! Now I can see the signs clearly! Wow 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@Anneeeeee821]

I have discovered after 20years

[@kimcarter1383]

I have discovered after 34 years! What is wrong with me?

[@McD-j5r]

Some people keep denying it for decades!

[@beautytalkwithlegendarylis2861]

Me, 18 years!

[@lovenature4802]

​@@kimcarter1383nothing wrong with you. My doctor says some people do never discover and die with an illusion. It is about them playing the game very well and you good hearted as it should be. I do wish you a lot of wisdom in recovering. It is not easy and take time from experience but the journey back to yourself is worthy. I m now almost 51 old. A lot of feelings of sadness but I m still a live and we are worth of love and being loved ❤

[@jeanettebarker9519]

Amazing information and incredibly eye-opening. It’s as if you’re describing every detail of my recent partner. This helps so much with the cognitive dissonance that I am still battling daily.

[@godschildyes]

I am so proud of you for taking the steps that you have! I absolutely understand what you're going through and I have been there! 18 years ago I left my abusive ex-husband and have never looked back! With a lot of counseling, tears, and prayers, my Life is so much better now!

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Absolutely

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you for your kind words, Jeanette. It's deeply gratifying to hear that the information shared has resonated with you and has been helpful in your journey of healing and understanding. Cognitive dissonance can be a challenging battle, but your strength and perseverance are inspiring. Keep embracing your path of growth and self-discovery.

[@eanjaeartoriginals]

Hey that’s me!! Thanks for describing me to a T 😂 What type of Narcissist will be discovered next??!! On KZbin AS THE WORLD TURNS. All these different terms of narcissist sounds like a lack of accountability of someone’s end. Cause it sounds like everyone’s a narcissist in 2024!😂 great vid by the way

[@Peppersauce84]

Same here!!! Not to the truest sense but I’ve done a lot of these. This narcissist sounds like what a narcissist thinks of there supple. Treat the nice guy like shit and then call him the nice guy narcissist when you finally push him to his limit.

[@cfougea]

Finally someone is talking about the " nice guy narcissist " ! Thank you :)

[@jazzybell2729]

This is how my ex is, almost to the point where you can actually question whether or not he is a narcissist.

[@sistergoldensunshine4069]

Great video. Described my last relationship so accurately. Took me years to finally leave but I was a shell of a person by the time I left . Totally did number on me but am finally healing and now listen to my intuition-it was NEVER wrong.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm sorry to hear that you went through such a challenging experience, but I'm glad to hear that you've found the strength to leave and are now on a path of healing. Recognizing the impact of a toxic relationship and trusting your intuition are important steps towards regaining your sense of self and well-being.

[@ImbriumDream]

There was a girl like this at the center of my social group. It’s surprisingly common in friend groups. I wish more people talked about that. They’re so destructive.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thanks for sharing. Watch my female narcissist video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e6qXdoekgbWreJIsi=ISbOcElENzGu4vZk

[@VannaWhiteboard]

It's the most difficult to overcome. Mostly because they are exceptionally good at what I call 'the reverse smear campaign'. They get out ahead of you and tell everyone how much they care about you and only want the best for you and are 'concerned' for you. It comes across to others as them being very doting and your biggest fan, but also lays undertext of how you might not be in your best mind. So that when they do break you, and you snap, you appear to others as being the unstable person you were purported to be. You try to confide in others and they gaslight you saying, "but they love you so much and only say good things about you and are concerned for you, you should not complain about someone who is only looking out for your wellbeing'. Very slippery. Never lose your cool for these people.

[@csstudio3648]

Wow, thank you for this! It is a perfect explanation of how my ex acted. It was non-stop confusion on my end and many years of spinning around in this dynamic. It took years to get out from under this. My younger self would have benefited from this video. Im so glad this kind of information is available to help the younger generation. ❤

[@spicyphilly]

All 13 things listed are what I experienced with my ex. I'm still in shock and confused over what I've been through with this guy.

[@medwayhospitalprotest]

There is a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. In it, he presents a few typical personas of abusive men. My father was the violent "Rambo" type. This made me very vulnerable to what Bancroft called "Mr Sensitive". My first really abusive partner was left wing, very politically correct, supporting the oppressed etc, etc. As I got older and more experienced, I realised that actually he was very patronising to the oppressed, and he engaged in a lot of "pity play" to get sympathy from people himself. For example, I gave him some wrist splints for carpal tunnel, and they were supposed to be worn overnight, to stop you bending your wrists in your sleep. He took them to work and wore them in the daytime to make his colleagues feel sorry for him!!!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

gosh, thanks for sharing.

[@thevioletoracle]

This is so important for people to see. I just dated someone I feel is this way. Even if it's unintentional, it feels this way. I felt half the conversation at times was him complimenting me. I often felt that he said or did things specifically to hear it back. He would ask me questions he wanted to talk about, and if I didn't bite for it, then he'd get mad at me. I started feeling off with the comments around my food and body. I'm a plus sized woman, and he's bigger too. I just kept getting a really uncomfortable vibe around that. The kindness was very, very intentional. He'd say things specifically to hear it back. It was hard to talk about with people bc I just stopped feeling like the compliments were genuine. Everyone was very accepting of him. When I'd go out with friends with him, there would be little moments that I felt he needed to keep control of our image almost. He insisted on holding my hand in front of my friends even when I made it clear I wanted my space. At my birthday dinner I told him I was paying for myself so I could get anything I wanted and he made a show of looking like he was paying my bill when he was really leaving a cash tip specifically to look like he was paying. It was weird. He'd have little moments of incel kinda language that would slip out and made me uncomfortable. The manipulative kindness was so intense. The reason I broke up with him was because he got so bold with the body shaming that I had to end it. The comments were small at first, like he works in the healthcare field and asked "You're planning in losing weight, right?" We were like 1m into dating and I have lost 90lbs. It was the assumption that was insulting. If you said that to any partner just randomly, it'd be upsetting. I keep mental notes. Anyway, one day he kept insisting on knowing my type and I said no, it's fine etc etc. Again, asking to tell me. I sighed and eventually was like whatever. Okay what is your type? Muscle mommies. I'm literally the opposite. I'm a pretty mild tempered and calm plus sized woman. Like why are you dating me. He said he'd show me what content ahem he watched but he didn't want to make me feel insecure and develop and complex. Word for word. The thing is, I just felt a weird gross edge to him saying that. Almost insisting the women would make me nervous bc they were hotter. That's the Vibe he gave. But I couldn't yet prove anything. I told him it was fine, and I didn't think that would be a problem but that I wasn't interested. He also texted a female friend during a movie I specifically tried to show him that was a romantic movie that reminded me of him and it was like 1 am. He was spending the night. Like what the hell are you doing. I'm not a yelling or snapping kinda lady. I got up and did my bedtime routine. Don't let me interrupt your night then. Anyway. It was just another small moment of him I feel intentionally trying to either make me jealous or upset with another woman. Okay. So lots of comments about food and the calories etc. One morning he was at my apt while I was working from home, and he said he'd make a breakfast scramble but we should buy egg whites. I told him I had just bought eggs so it was alright. We could just use those. He Insisted very firmly on egg whites bc the yolks were fatty. Again, I have lost 90lbs. I am no stranger to calorie counting and managing, but I went to therapy and a nutritionist and a dietician. I have an ED in remission and those comments would have sent me before. Esp about my body and my food and the clear comparison of me to other women. The last and final straw for me was the same day as the egg comment. He was again in my apt while I was working, and sent me a photo of an insta baddie with a bbl and boob job and said "if you're ever built like this, it's on sight." Her face was cropped out of the photo which somehow made it worse. So clear he wanted me in a different body and to make me insecure to motivate me to change myself for him. I asked him what he meant and he said "what do you think I meant? It'd be hot." Doubled down. He'd ask me to go to the gym with him even though I prefer to go alone and I do. I also bike 60 to 100 miles a week. He'd say little things that almost implied to me he thought I was lazy with my food/workout, and diet and I again bike 60 to 100 miles a week and have lost 90lbs. What are you talking about dude. Anyway, I called him over, and I told him he needed to go home. He gave this huge and emotional apology about how he didn't mean it like that after I brought up all of his comments and it was a really good and sweet apology, but if I thought logically about it, I couldn't really see a way in which he wasn't trying to force me to change to be more fuckable to him. Just can't. Sorry. I didn't misunderstand anything. Now for me personally, I don't get validation from other people. It comes from myself. It didn't destroy me that he made these comments and comparisons, but it really would have if I hadn't gone through so much therapy now. The underlying feeling with him was that I had an off vibe that he was trying to manipulate things and come across as innocent. The victim modes about how every other woman did him wrong. Trying to make me jealous imo. Trying to make me change my body. I told him I had a complex specifically around receiving gifts so I really hated opening gifts in front of people and he made me do it despite my extreme discomfort. Moments he distinctly crossing my boundaries and comfort levels. It's a small thing but it's important to pay attention to how your partner is respecting even your small desires. I felt often his needs outweighed any feeling or desire I had. But he'd do it in a subtle and manipulative way. He ordered too little food one night and I told him that he should get more. He insisted it was fine. I filled up quickly but saved a lot of sushi for later as it's my absolute Favorite food and I don't get it that often bc of the price. He came over and said he was hungry and picked up MY food. I sooo fast said "hey sweetie can you please put that in the fridge for me?" A pretty direct redirection and from my face he knew I did not want him to touch my food. I have issues sharing if I don't share with you. I have an ed in remission. Like stop. He knew that. He said okay. I was put off by it. But then the next day I discovered he ate a lot of it in the kitchen. It's a small example but it's a literal example of him not respecting my boundaries bc he wanted the thing more. It's not entirely the food, it's the action. It's my favorite food and it's expensive. He didn't order enough. That is not my problem. I told him to get more food. My food is not there to feed him if he doesn't get enough. I was struggling a bit financially and I had limited money for splurging. I let him try one of my favorite chips of all time that I hadn't had in a while, and he ate the Entire bag and all my other snacks. All of them. Again, a moment I almost felt was intentional, so I had to eat less and couldn't afford to buy them again. It drove me bananas and I dumped him. He made a whole woe is me victim thing and would post on his status on disc really dramatic shit and Kept talking to me. I eventually stopped replying. He told me all the plans he told his mom and I can't stress enough that there's just a vibe of him doing things to manipulate me. Anyway. He's one of these dudes imo. Maybe my story will help someone else wake up. I've had a lot of therapy and my ex husband was a manipulative person like this. I kept getting really strong feeling that he reminded me of my ex and it checks out. Also, insisting on paying for everything and then complaining about how much money he spend on me in a month. I never asked him to buy me those little things and I specifically have an issue around receiving gifts bc it makes me feel obligated. He knew that. I told him. I think he did it to specifically guilt me into staying too. A lot of little things that looked innocent and felt manipulative. The compliments to hear them back was a big thing. He never could ask for validation, he had to dump his feelings on me To Hear It Back. I'm deeply convinced it was only to make me return it. When I started just thanking him instead, he doubled down almost. Again, started to feel half our conversations were him complimenting me even though I asked him to tone it down a bit. He doubled down. That's a big flag. His needs outranked mine and he would do things specifically with the intention of getting what he wanted. My boundaries were only respected if they weren't in the way of the thing he wanted. He wanted to make me insecure and change my whole ass body for him. I told him I didn't personally find that physique attractive and I had no intention of personally having it for myself. If I'm changing my body for anyone, it's myself. My weightloss journey and diet is none of his business. I won't be shamed into doing anything I don't want to. This is Such a long comment and I don't expect anyone to read it tbh. But please do be careful with these people. No one should require you to change for him, and no one should be undermining your self esteem and confidence. Healthy love doesn't involve sacrificing who you are to make someone else happy. Peace and love to you all. 😊

[@rubybegonia7052]

You need to break your comments down into paragraphs.

[@elizabethclark4415]

Holy cow… I’ve been trying to figure out if my son’s father is a narcissist for 3 years and this makes it crystal clear. I’m never questioning my intuition ever again.

[@marvinasimswewinqueendom2543]

This is a perfect explanation of the covert nice guy narcissist (my ex betrayer). I love how you give perfect examples of their sneaky behaviors.

[@tinag7882]

Thank you! This was 100% my situation. I am still dealing with the effects of it two years after leaving.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

orry to hear that. Thanks for sharing. Well done for breaking free.

[@pavman42]

Thanks for confirming I was with a nice "girl" narcissist. I would get angry / rage at my ex-narc and I had never been this way with any other women I had dated. She would just not deal with things constructively and it constantly felt like there was no real growth and that everything was on me (she loved to spin things this way after the honeymoon period ended). She would do the ghost/ignore/disappearing act whenever we didn't agree, which would get under my skin and essentially triggered my own frustration with someone who clearly couldn't communicate well. Interestingly, when I started putting my foot down and disagreeing with absurd notions / confronting the problem head on, that's when things started falling apart. Guess narcs don't like it when you assert your own will in the relationship and decide enough is enough.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

No they don’t like loosing the control at all.

[@marytaylor9504]

No they don't. When you start calling them out turning it around on them they can't take it Become angry and resentful! Then they tr to make you te bad guy creating problems in the relationship. Just anyway that you may disagree on just about anything!!!

[@marytaylor9504]

When you assert your boundaries and your views that are going against them they take it offensively and turn on you !!!

[@marytaylor9504]

​@@dr.beckyspelmanKeeping Control is their main goal in the relationship!!!Controlling and manipulation in all ways!!!

[@letym2271]

I hear you. :( It happened to me too and I am usually pretty chill. It was so frustrating and anxiety inducing. The worst part is that ever since then, it's been hard to regulate myself the way I was able to when I was healthier. I have anger running through me, when I'm hurt now or someone doesn't respect my boundaries, I act with aggression. It's like, I'm done letting people take advantage of my pacific nature.

[@stylist62]

I ended it 8 months ago🙏💕You are describing what I married at home pure demon inhumane sadist, yes a stranger on the street is more valuable and important then you. They torture you, they should be ashamed of who they are what they do enough to change They don’t seem to know they are married either, overly provide everything and they steal from you on top of it. Help them out they will never pay their share Last time he stayed out all night I ended it, so much work healing discovered he was slandering cheating right after he married me

[@sofs994]

the martyr complex hits hard ... thanks for explaining it. never understood why he would go to huge extents to help woman outside our relationship.

[@westbrook3371]

Best description of my ex! Ppl in general would struggle to believe he was abusive...in the end he won - the system was head over heels for him I gave up...cuz they r so nice at some point ppl think there's something wrong with u

[@kls3609]

Must thank you for this particular contribution to the bounty of insight already available to us regarding all things to do with narcissism. This particular component addresses what I've not picked up on elsewhere in this well presented way. Feelings of doubt about someone's integrity, who can also seem to be well-intentioned and loving...the words 'cunning' and 'baffling' immediately come to mind. Somehow suddenly feels a bit less intimidating to know.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

You are very welcome

[@mellyb3560]

That was my ex to a “T”. After the break up, I spent six years being completely calm, and not talking about anything that happened in front of the mutuals(the mutuals that were my friends for a good 10 years before introducing him). They would bring him up and I wouldn’t say anything, because if I did say one thing, I wasn’t over it. The worst part is, they were there for some of the abuse, and actually witnessed it. I was gaslit and lied to by everyone in the group after he came around. The ex even made my best friend’s husband his best man when he remarried(less than a year after the break up & an 8 year relationship 🤪I have one good friend left and the rest of my family. I can’t stress how blissful the peace is. Also, I later met a really good man & it’s no drama. I guess I would say to anyone in these situations, free or self, because the right people are waiting to love you right.

[@SarahAnneStuff]

I don't know how this got in my recommended videos, but it was right on time. I just cut someone out of my life because of these behaviors. All I knew is that all my interactions with them were causing a lot of anxiety, and I could not keep the friendship. These are spot on

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm glad to hear the video arrived at the right time for you. Making the decision to cut ties for your own mental health is never easy, but it's important to prioritize your well-being. It sounds like you've made a difficult but necessary choice. Take care of yourself, and thank you for sharing your experience.

[@matthewsimons7658]

Your ability to crystallize this allows a new door to be seen that otherwise could have remained invisible. This has helped untangle a huge knot of tied up energies, allowing potential instead of toxicity to flow again. Thanks for being such a channel of peace and release in this. So inspiring to see someone so passionate about what they do and then go out and share it too! Thank you.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you so much Matthew, you message means a lot to be.

[@FreemanCanadian1971]

​@dr.beckyspelman Thank you, I am still married but separated. 27 years and four children meant nothing. I was a sperm donor and security blanket. Well at least I'm free now.😊

[@isabellabakerviolin]

Oh my gosh, every single point describes my ex. I’ve very occasionally doubted if he was a classic narcissist because he was much more sneaky & subtle in front of others, but my god everything you’ve said is him. Thank you for validating this for me & giving it a name!!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through such a challenging experience, but I'm glad that the information provided resonated with your situation and helped provide some clarity. Recognizing and understanding toxic behavior is an important step towards healing and moving forward.

[@Faithsavage1986]

I always told my now husband in the beginning phase was" i don't love you" he use to say "its ok you will one day." He was so nice but to nice which i just summed it up to me being so screwed up bc ive always been afraid of a good guy bc of my child abuse . The constant attention was actually draining though. I felt smothered but of course i dismissed it bc my last ex was a monster and yes i told him so he used my past for his advantage. He is a alcoholic which my mom was so i thought i had and could fix him 5 years later and this marriage is coming to a end and im so grateful. The lord is bringing me and my kids into a new life

[@LailaDehlali]

saying you will one day is so toxic. I have explained these guys that this is toxic and disrespectul. but they deny, so annoying. and I hate to immediately dump them because of this

[@icephoenix1024]

I think most people can see thru fake niceness. Covert narcissist is more fitting. But there are some people that really see themselves as all good and only strive for niceness, and never upset anyone, haven't integrated their shadow, these people are also as dangerous as narcs, or even more dangerous.

[@Ramzi-rn1ui]

Yea. But when jealousy and stupid ppl. And lying abusers. People only see they covert as the good cause they planned everything out and have been taking steps for years to protect themselves

[@mikasaackerman2709]

100% the guy I was dealing with. I've actually realized that he is not kind and does not care about me a few months ago but I had any label to his behavior but now I do. Who knew there was such a thing called nice narcissists out there.

[@yos.5684]

This year I dated someone who exhibited some of these signs. It was just one month and a half, but... boy... At the beginning he was super attentive. He was just sooo nice, sooo charming... Something was off though, he hit on me no mercy, a bit wild, like with boundaries but no boundaries at the same time. Non forcing, but insisting. It was hard to resist. He opened up to me, or at least he seemed to. All his trauma and stuff. All niceness, all supportive, all for me very quickly... but at the same time, 'no I'm not in love with you, I'll never be with you or anyone ever again', 'I want children with you, you'll meet my parents, I want to be with you all my life, you're one of the fewest women I've got this amazing communication with', as well as 'I want to be also with other women, you take it or leave it'. He tried to convince me to get into his 'new love paradigm', but at least he didn't mask it. Although all the love bombing, that was totally incoherent with what he wanted, was a way perhaps to make me crave his love so much that I'd accept his ways. I parted, and he accepted and all was ok. I had a very hard time. Of course I craved his love because I had idealised him, but I was firm I couldn't accept what he offered me, that would mean demeaning myself and what I believe love is. But somehow I thought he was real. He seemed 100% real. I believe he seemed real because he believes the persona he's built to deal with life and get the affection and admiration from people, because deep down, he's probably empty. I don't know. His friends would tell me he was an extraordinary person. One of them told me that being with him was like being in a fantasy world, that he was a demi-god (my god, I can't even believe they said this)... that I just had lo let myself be led by him and enjoy the moment. I believed some of it, although part of me wondered if that 'fantasy world' was actually... yes, fantasy, don't have own will and all will be alright... It hurt to renounce someone that was so amazing, I had such an intense connection and chemistry with, that would give me his all... as long as I was happy with him being with other women too. He had all sorts of rational explanations for that. We ended in good terms but there was a thing that needed to be closed. In this sense, one day he had an inconsiderate gesture towards me. I got angry and gave him a hurt/reproaching tone because he told me, very light-heartedly, he had forgotten to call me... after him saying he would call me and me waiting for him all day. It was important for me to bring closure. After my reproaching reply, he turned into the complete opposite of what I had known of him: he got absolutely nuts and started to shout to me, super defensive and over the top. Hung up on me not allowing me to respond. Then I realised I had actually dodged a big bullet... I decided to say sorry about not speaking nicely to him (for forgetting about me and being very non-chalant about it...), because I couldn't bear ending everything that way and I still felt partly guilty of making him upset. He said sorry, 'sorry but...'. Sorry but not really feeling it. We finished our 'business' a couple of days later and, in all calmness and coldness, he proceeded to tell me there were things that he couldn't say because he would hurt me, that I was playing the victim card, only thinking about myself, that 'our thing' wasn't such a big deal so as to be so sad about it, that when being with me he couldn't express freely all he wanted (!!! never ever I censored him, but if you call our thing 'love' after one month of dating, at the same time you say we're not dating, obviously I'm gonna be confused and I'm gonna ask you what's going on). I managed that the best I could, I knew I couldn't win so I avoided any sort of rebuttal or confrontation. I left him, for once, almost relieved I wasn't dealing with him and not feeling like seeing him again. That reaction was horrible but it was godsend because it made me out of love in a few seconds. But not without other consequences for me... He probably isn't the worst nac out there, perhaps not a proper narc by all standards, but still... Traits that just ring too close. I detected he's aware of how he is and probably there's a part of him that wants to change... He makes greats effort to be all the opposite. But he's too set up in his ways to be able to change. Right now, I just don't feel like I'm able to fall in love... like he supposedly felt. He passed his brokenness onto me.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

It sounds like you've been through a deeply introspective and challenging experience. It's never easy to navigate the complex emotions that come with such intense relationships. Recognizing and setting boundaries is a massive step in caring for your emotional well-being. Thank you for sharing your story; it's a potent reminder of the importance of staying true to oneself."

[@yos.5684]

@@dr.beckyspelman Thank you. Definitely setting boundaries and staying true to myself were the best thing I could do for myself and the situation

[@SS-wg7nh]

This is my same situation-identical!

[@yos.5684]

@@SS-wg7nh I'm so sorry! Hope you can get out of that asap

[@goldfinger4967]

Thank you for sharing. Make your goal preservation of self. Keep telling yourself that you are a woman of substance who deserves to be treated way better than this. Having this mindset will help you to walk away, for indeed walking away is the only solution, difficult as it might be.

[@vervideosgiros1156]

It isn't important for them to be loved; it's important for them that people love them, so they can get advantage off of those people!

[@BeeM32636]

Excellent video. Concise but informative. It perfectly describes the person I chose to walk away from.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you so much and well done for walking away.

[@denisesatt7044]

❤

[@michellemorneau4322]

Great video. I especially liked the way you described rage, for the nice guy narc it will be less about yelling, and more about silent treatment or passive-aggressive revenge and OMG the gaslighting! I also liked your explanation about martyrdom. My ex always acted like everything would fall apart; everyone was helpless without him. His hero complex and martyr complex were off the charts. He acted as though any favor for them was impossible for him to work around. But there were so many times when there were 20 other options that were just as helpful. Still, he always chose the method that put him at the most disadvantage, so that he looked like that much more of a hero, sacrificing sooo much for everybody else. When they didn't reciprocate with the expected amount of adoration, the kids and I paid retribution in one way or another. My ex was a nice guy to everybody else, including strangers, putting their tiniest issues ahead of his own household. He took and took and took from us in order to give and give and give to his flying monkeys. (Even strangers are flying monkeys in training.) I was incredibly lonely and depressed because nobody believed he was mean, cruel, and selfish towards me and his kids (but like you explain in your video, it's still 'nicely' disguised). He always played the good cop role and I had to be the bad cop out of necessity to protect family/household and resources, be it money, time, supplies, etc. Hence, I looked like I was being selfish. Or they just plain thought I was the enemy for getting in the way of whatever favor they wanted from him, yet again. He had to be the pillar of every social group. If I started having fun and that took attention away from him, I got scolded for it on the way home with some other flimsy explanation (his perception) of what I did wrong. If I stayed on the sidelines or background, I got scolded for that too. What he wanted was for me to be his stage manager, facilitating his starring role every time and everywhere we went, and then be his cheerleader as he performed. Yeah right, I'm supposed to cheer for him again after I had to take another dive so that he could look good. He had long since cut me off from my friends because my friends didn't hero-worship him (I didn't understand this at the time). He just always had a reason to cancel plans with my friends; they eventually stopped inviting us and we lost touch.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm sorry to hear about the challenging experiences you've been through. It sounds incredibly tough dealing with someone who manipulates situations and relationships. Your insights into the dynamics of the relationship, especially the martyr complex and hero complex, provide a deep understanding of the complexities involved. It's not easy to navigate such situations, and your resilience in sharing your story is commendable. If you ever need support, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a mental health professional who can offer guidance and understanding.

[@michellemorneau4322]

@@dr.beckyspelmanThank you for replying. Just being heard and understood and especially believed means so much.

[@Ramzi-rn1ui]

Yes. They fake nice guy bs of passive aggression. Gas lighting. Manipulation. Stealing girls. Back stabbing. They do things a little different. They don't usually yell and scream. Unless they are popped on pills or acid or shit like that. If not they are very sneaky and cheeky. Playing nice with others. Lying. Looking good. Never yelling. Unless you break his shit on accident. Something out of your control.

[@Ramzi-rn1ui]

That's the whole point of fake nice guys. They are fake nice. Play nice with people. And having something where they can openly do their abuse cause people believe anything they say. Cause they are nice 😂😂😂 yet just for treating ppl nicely at a store or something. Thats being a fake nice guy somehow 😂

[@jadek5822]

I’ve also learned that a person can be all smiley-nice but not kind. I also know quiet-to themselves types, even alphas that are blunt, honest & not pc…yet they’re kind & not needing admiration, attention, etc. from their kind deeds. Eg: At 18 my pos car broke down on side of highway & a guy around my age stopped. He wasn’t nice, more, matter of fact…he dropped me off at school & I kept thanking him & tried to give him $. He said just maybe I do the same for someone else someday…Kind isn’t always “nice”

[@tamaraalmeida88]

This feels both so illuminating and hard to digest. So many wasted years, and impossible to explain. It's devastating.

[@BetterDayEachDay]

I am one of these, a nice guy narcissist, and I can tell you it's a horrible, sad and painful prison that I'm working hard to heal myself out of! If you are the victim of someone like this, who has likely had their sense of self crushed at a young age, and has developed toxic and extremely selfish coping mechanisms to get through it, I'm really sorry but there is no helping this person if they don't face it and own it themselves. If they are not going to do that, please get out. Staying is only enabling them to run and hide from their pain, and use you to feel some sense of control, power, and a warped sense of 'happiness'. Half of them craves the love in your relationship, and the other half is terrified of it. It's a long hard road for them that you don't need to be dragged along.

[@Anonymous-sf7oe]

It is indeed interesting, and unusual, to hear from a self-aware "nice guy narcissist". Why is real romantic love terrifying ? I am asking because I want to understand. How would you react to your partner wanting to leave ? Be happy that you can remain a good guy who is now also a victim or would you try harder to work on yourself ? Would you perhaps even push your partner to leave? I wish there were youtube channels or pods by covert narcissist good guys, to make people understand this specific condition better.

[@brianarbenz7206]

@@Anonymous-sf7oe I don't necessarily identify with everything in the post by @MarkDekkersLife , but I understand much of what he is saying. The most simple way to answer your question is that some people are afraid of going past the joy of new love into a relationship that is more everyday than special. Others are afraid of their initial success at romantic involvement taking them up to the next level, one at which they believe is beyond their ability. It's a little like riding a thrill ride, or going up in a high altitude vehicle. It's both exciting and scary. Some people (I see this tendency in my own behavior) will self-sabotage, either knowing or subconsciously. We will look for any word, mood, or facial expression in the other person's response to something we said or did as a sign they don't like us any more. Though that would be very disappointing to us, it's also a relief, for the reasons I talked about above.

[@Anonymous-sf7oe]

@@brianarbenz7206 Thank you for taking the time to answer this ! Yes, I suppose there can be many reasons for the same external behavior, and you can't really know unless you ask (many questions). However, it becomes a real problem when the person is not very self-aware and/or deflects and blames everything on someone else. Sometimes it may be a delusion that if we understand "Why" something is happening we can do something about it. It may be applicable to oneself but when it comes to others, in the end they have to want to own their own problems to even stand a chance. All that the bystanders can do is evaluate if change is likely to happen or not. And then realize that, in the end, each and every person has a CHOICE as to how they want to live their life. Not thinking you have a choice is almost always incorrect. Making choices can be scary but sometimes not making a choice can be even scarier. Renegotiating the relationship - contract after the shared fantasy is over is definitely not for the faint-of-heart 😊, but I think it is necessary in order to grow up. And some people prefer to blame the demise of the shared fantasy on the other person, thinking that that is the end of the relationship, instead of realizing that what lies beyond that is even better, more freeing, courageous and mature.

[@masterofdesaster8610]

That's an incredible accurate description of what I had experienced for four years. Until I was totally broken and with his last contemptous action I went to him grabbed my things and walked away silently. That was 27 month ago and I'm still restoring myself not able to get into a new ralationship, not able to fall for someone, not able to dare to get closer to someone. I am 59, I'm fit and healthy and attractive but my biggest fear is that I'm staying alone for the rest of my life because I never can heal the damage in my heart and soul.

[@AnabreseNeuman]

@massterofdesaster8610 aw please don't give up on finding an authentic person. Just take time to heal and you will blossom again

[@aguafrita]

Ive met a person who i couldn't comprehend because he was so inconsistent. I introduced him to my family and friends and they all loved him. There was always something telling me not to trust him and i wanted him to prove me wrong, but he proved me that I was right. Hes egocentric, selfish and delusional.

[@Banebelladonna]

Thie guy I dodged was going above and beyond for this girl who had a toxic bf. Before he started to pursue me he was literally taking on all her responsibilities and when I'd see him he looked burnt out. Like pale and exhausted. She finally told him it was bad timing and wasn't willing to break up with her bf etc. Then we hung out and he was the sweetest gentleman. He was nice up to about 48 hours and then he became cold and started avoiding me. It was as if he needed a damsel n distress to brush his ego and me being more independent made him lose interest. So strange

[@PeaceMaker45]

I have not heard a better explanation about a narcissist on KZbin. You hit every point I have went though in my marriage of 20 yrs, thank you Dr Becky Spelman!

[@fostershouseofhope157]

We moved to a new state and he is a new person. It changed everything and gave him a new perspective. We chose recovery and we are now on the same page. Prayers ❤

[@deedrathelibra]

My former narcissist actually says he’s “too nice” and he “gets taken advantage of.”

[@dr.beckyspelman]

It's not uncommon for individuals with narcissistic traits to employ a certain narrative, including portraying themselves as overly nice or claiming to be taken advantage of. This can be a manipulation tactic to gain sympathy or deflect attention from their own behavior.

[@tiffanybollinger6888]

I know one that loves the phrase "nice guys finish last". He is such a simple guy who's too nice for his own good. Diluted.

[@jayj7340]

Wow, this perfectly described my first long term relationship in college. I had just left my narcissistic parents, and this “nice” 18-year old guy offers his ear and gets into a relationship with me within a few days of meeting. Then for the next 4 years, he acts exactly like this until he’s done being the “nice guy” with me. I’m in a much better relationship now that’s almost 4 years, but I never thought a teen could behave this way too 😭

[@sharonjenkins720]

This helped me SO MUCH. I’ve never been able to find a video that described my ex best friend so accurately. This case was a female, but she was exactly the way you just described, with the betrayals and the martyr complex. The only thing that was different was that instead of keeping to herself when I’ve hurt her ego, she would say something to invalidate my emotions or she’d outright blame me over text and project her own shame on me… That hurt kinda worse.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced with your ex-best friend. It's validating when you find information that resonates with your experiences. Recognizing toxic behaviors and setting boundaries are crucial steps toward maintaining emotional well-being. If you ever need support or guidance, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a mental health professional. You deserve healthy and supportive relationships. Take care of yourself.

[@HELLO-iq5rb]

This is, without a doubt, the best description of a covert that I've seen. I found out the hard way that there was such a type of person (female covert) after 19 yrs of this. 8 yrs after the marriage breakup and I'm still trying to recover. I can only hope that the people in a relationship with one of these creatures see this video. Thank you.

[@kittehgomooxD]

I think I have some of these traits. Thank you for shedding light.

[@martyvirtue4051]

A beautiful lady in a gorgeous background setting speaking many words of wisdom. Thank you! 🌹

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Thank you.

[@jenlazee]

This has been so completely on point for my husband. Thank you. I am not crazy.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Glad you like this video and that it helped you get clarify, you’re definitely not crazy,

[@onlyfactsoverhere]

Wow, spot on! I saw the red flags but gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed like a “nice” guy. He was a monster once the mask fell off.

[@stephaniecurls7888]

OMG thank you for explaining the relationship portion. I feel SO VALIDATED. I have been struggling woth this individual for the last 9 mos. Nightmare and so very confusing. So grateful for resources like you to center. Thank you!!!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

I’m so sorry you encountered someone like this.

[@angiestone6580]

Thank you sooo much. Spot on! Im so grateful I finally left that "nice" guy back then. My life has improved so much. Im being me again. Im a better mom. Im studying and starting my own business. Love and strenght to you all!

[@dr.beckyspelman]

You are so welcome

[@jennc.9099]

My goodness... 12 out of 13 traits. Thank you for this clip. I don't feel doubtful anymore. ❤ I often read or hear about the other type of narcissist, but not the nice guy narcissist. I now know they exist.

[@jenlee4477]

My ex was this. He convinced so many people he was a victim and everyone else was crazy, when is reality it was a game he played to win people over to his side so he could get revenge on others. Deep down he was all about himself and his own gains. In the end he did not even care if people liked him, but just took his side. He was strategic in every move. Even coming back to "apologize" and bring gifts was just a manipulation used to get inside and get what he wanted all over again. It left him with nothing in the end.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing. Well done for breaking free.

[@Cherlindrea99]

I know a few women who fit this description. Also my ex boyfriend is a nice guy narcissist. Terrible to deal with as no-one believes you when you try to explain how she (or he) really is.

[@theladyamalthea]

You NAILED it!! And they truly are the most dangerous BECAUSE they are so hard to detect. I spent 24 years fooled. Getting out now BUT have lost my family and my children to his lies. Sick.

[@Lauren-kd4jm]

This video is my ex husband all the way. Watching this brought back so many bad memories as it’s been 3 years since we split. Looking back I was so confused because he wanted me to believe that his mistreatment was “normal” for married couples. Whew, so glad I am done with him. 20 years together. I know I am a survivor to come out unscathed from that relationship.

[@dr.beckyspelman]

Gosh so sad.