The Personality of Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

[@FromSurvivingToThriving]

As a reminder - if my videos resonate with you and you are tired of learning about the narcissist and yet still feeling stuck - if you're ready to now turn your focus on you and how you can HEAL from this horrific abuse, come join me live on zoom in the School of Transformation. I meet live weekly with survivors from all over the world that are doing the inner work to overcome the cptsd that narcissistic abuse creates! There are 9-12 live zoom mtgs each month - most are recorded in case you are unable to attend live! I'll leave the link here for you to see if it's a good fit for you: www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation

[@1ReikiFloW]

for those of us who were abused and went through trauma since a fetus stage or 1-2 year old we actually don't even use the midbrain, we just go directly in flight or fight, reptile brain all the way. Not sure if we are just calling them differently though, I am quoting eft universe and Dr. Dawson Church etc. I found, both as a high masking autistic woman and survivor or narcissistic and pedosexual abuse that eft techniques are the easier and most efficient way to shed all of this. Many people don't have money to pay so I find it helpful when people share free techniques for their sake. Good video, thank yoU~

[@RamzaDelita]

You're so pretty I think I may need intense therapy round the clock with YOU my lovely lady❤❤😊

[@thethriftybabe6291]

So happy to have found you and this video ❤

[@Floyd-l3c]

I tried to sign up but it kept giving me an invalid email or password.

[@b8akaratn]

11:24 My Brother in law: What happened, you used to have a sense of humor?! Me: i married your brother. Oh I VERY much hear you!!!

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

it takes longer to realise you are being abused when there is not physical abuse, and the person is actually a pillar in the community.

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

Depends on how aware a person is and perhaps dependent on having a so said partner and social status. The devil does often wear nice clothes🎉

[@SibyllaCumana]

This hits home. Awareness is a lifelong learning goal. And when you are finally aware, you keep on being invalidated. Nobody believes you. It's so hard

[@cassieopia532]

And it’s a parent who says they love you.

[@rakelpeneyambeko]

​@@SibyllaCumana 🎯🎯🎯🎯

[@KnoNow9]

This is the absolute truth, especially if you have experienced physical abuse prior.

[@cynthiamerryman]

Self abandonment, toxic shame, harsh inner critic, social anxiety, emotional flashbacks are signs of CTPSD

[@AV5oh]

Sounds like quiet bpd?

[@WeebRemover4500]

@@AV5oh BPD is usually based in.. trauma. boom.

[@jwdyss]

Not all of us fit into this box. Some don't have toxic shame or harsh inner critic at all.

[@merrycristy]

Yes..I have all of them

[@Chris-2-of-3]

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( CPTSD )

[@Candy-O1776]

I’m so hyper vigilant, it’s exhausting! I’m always exhausted. I guess the ruminations of every conversation or interaction drives me crazy.

[@ildikoedit9110]

So relatable!

[@Kkatss]

Yes I find myself always wanting to sleep now. This man really fucked me up

[@dilutioncreation1317]

for me, (not promising it will work for others), rumination was solved by meditating on how thoughts arise. First I realized that the thoughts that came up from rumination for me came from a state of mind, not from a logical source. I realized this because many times if I stamped down one ruminating thought, a completely unrelated one would appear next without direct logical connection. Engaging with the thoughts made the state of mind grow and spiral. This might be a good way for me to know if something is required for me to process vs something that I'm having trouble letting go even though I've processed it. meditation showed me that before a thought is said with words in my head, it arrises as a seed of thought that is asking to be articulated with words. You can feel this when you are holding on to a thought while listening to someone speaking. The thought is suspended, but not articulated with words yet. We are so used to choosing to articulate the thought with words that it doesn't feel like an active choice. Once I was able to observe how this worked for me, I learned how to NOT actively articulate a thought with words. Once I was doing that with ruminating and intrusive thought seeds, the underlying state of mind and emotion would dampen away instead of boiling over. I wasn't stamping away the emotion or ignoring them, I was giving them the space to breath out without spiraling out of control. Since I wasn't reinforcing the thought patterns, the state of mind would happen less frequently.

[@jessicalatorraca8507]

@@dilutioncreation1317 This is wonderful, thanks. Love how you mention ‘engaging with thoughts’. For the first time, it became crystal clear to me - thoughts are like the weather, and engaging with them is a CHOICE. Positive thoughts can comfort (basking in the sun) & invigorate (dancing in the rain). Negative thoughts can bring a plethora of UN-pleasant emotions that feel like walking in a tornado, or being stuck in a mud bog. If we’re feeling lousy, we can trace our thought, and get clues as to what led up to the feeling. I’ve known this, but now, instead of viewing the thought as a thought only, I’m going to ‘predict’ the emotional weather it may bring, and picture a little emoji with the thought. (Do I WANT to bring that rainy cloud into my day?) It’s up to ME to choose to follow where my thoughts lead. ☀️⛈️🌪️🌦️Thanks!

[@Candy-O1776]

@@Kkatss Thank you! God Bless!

[@LollyQ.]

I’m on alert always. Super attentive, overly anxious, cautious, on edge. Therefore, I read people’s footsteps, how they close doors, place things down, the breaths they take, sighs they make etc….its so exhausting….gotta make it stop.

[@LinYouToo]

Same here

[@healingspiritspodcast]

Me too

[@alexandravincentadenichola2564]

Oh my goodness! Yes! So exhausting!!!

[@JessAnonymous]

Same! Grounding/centering yourself really helps as well as doing full body scan(s) meditation (The centering exercise by Jose Silva is one of my favorites) getting INTO your body and seeing wtf is going on in there is the key bc the abuse does separate your mind from the body. Most just dont realize it. Noticing how safe (or safe enough) ppl operate is key. You'll feel less on alert whenever a 'safe' person breathes a certain way, sighs etc cause you know no BS follows after

[@sal8815]

Me too. Sometimes I read in hostility where there is none but they shut a door loudly. But also, my covert narc spouse will deny that he is mad sometimes, so it's crazy making. Can't divorce.

[@YochevedDesigns]

My mother's mom was a huge narcissist. Everything was always about HER. My mom was very traumatized growing up. Her trauma meant that my sister and I suffered the second hand effects. Not much is ever said about the grandchildren of a narcissist, but I can tell you that the currents still run through. My sister and I took parenting classes, got therapy, and swore that we would break the chain. I think we did fairly well.

[@sylviamontero6030]

I’m so happy that you guys broke the cycles!!!!! Our children deserve better!

[@2blackcatz426]

It beeaks my heart when i see my narc sibling make crazies with her kids and grandchildren

[@ozzieenglelewis]

It’s nice your sister and you stayed connected

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

Oh this is awesome! Fantastic that you and your sister see eye-to-eye on this. Your children are very lucky you were determined to stop passing on the trauma♥! Bless you for your hard work. My brother appears to have become a narcissist, so unfortunately I don’t expect to be able to work him, and even for myself I don’t have much hope of ever feeling intact and healthy. But I have absolutely seen a difference in my own kid’s development when I put my best foot forward for him. I fake (feeling good & calm & regulated) on a daily basis, just pretend to be what I know he needs & deserves, and oh my goodness I definitely see a content kid when I do that. He and all kids are worth it, not to be burdened by our trauma. Love and courage to us all♥.

[@MsBellsandy]

I think I am in this situation. Clearly there is trickle down but I don't know if my mom is actually a narcissist or just the victim of one.

[@debpatt5225]

I quit singing, laughing and lived on red alert for 15 years. I got cancer twice. I’m out of there now and will never go back.

[@Mplsgurl]

Proud of you❤ are you laughing and singing again?

[@listentotheanimalscreamsha1511]

Yeah gotta get back to what you loved doing before they stole the joy from you.

[@sheenamissdemeanour]

Wow thank you for this comment. Cancer survivor here! Feeling like i cant even look the wrong direction for feae of saying or doing wrong.

[@debpatt5225]

@@Mplsgurl I am singing and dancing and laughing again. Thank you for asking. I’m creating art type stuff also.

[@debpatt5225]

@@listentotheanimalscreamsha1511 For sure, I’m getting there. Sometimes slowly and sometimes I just find myself right there all happy and content.

[@karadiberlino]

Starts at 6:20 1. self abandonment 2. toxic shame 3. harsh inner critic 4. social anxiety 5. emotional flashbacks

[@KathleenJ]

Thank you.

[@leamaka2082]

@@FearlessLeisI too have been having all of these. Toxic shame for 33 years.

[@meloniecorbin3787]

@@leamaka2082same

[@brentons857]

I describe the feeling as my inner light has been extinguished. Narcissists are parasites that should be avoided at all costs

[@Myatheroses]

Funny ( well not funny) how parents should give light but ours liked taking it away instead. Your light is there though, it just has to come from god and from others instead of the parasite family

[@sarahodom7091]

Yes, they are parasites. They take and never give. They have NO shame about being mooches and parasites. They get a thrill from conning and betraying people. No shame.

[@robinantonio8870]

You become a shell waiting for your death or theirs

[@Kathleen67.]

Absolutely.

[@Kathleen67.]

​@@robinantonio8870Or, for them to never again cross your path

[@blastprosful]

100% Constantly living in anxiety especially upon waking up in the morning.

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

Oh that’s the worst. I’m sorry.

[@mandymckeown8625]

My mums a narc left me with anxiety disorder it’s a struggle everyday . No contact a year now . I wish you a good recovery ❤️‍🩹

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

@@mandymckeown8625 you will get better. Thank you for the kind words. It’s the most uncomfortable, hard reality checks. Keep your heart open. I believe in you.

[@amyjones7962]

I wake up and cry for over an hour almost every single day. Used to last longer. I also break down crying several times a day. It’s better than it used to be by a mile. I continue to learn, apply and move forward.

[@laceandribbonsviolin]

@@amyjones7962I’m so sorry y’all! 🥺 i wake up with anxiety too. Making tea with gelatin really helps. It feels like it coats my throat and stomach and makes it harder to get overstimulated. I stay calmer longer. I hope that helps

[@elizabetheliuk9373]

I started to react only. I’d have meltdowns. Nervous exhaustion.

[@janacarter5144]

"I had to teach myself to laugh again." Yes, that resonates very deeply. Laughing and crying were two behaviors that are no longer regularly present in my life experience, and when it does happen, it is manic.

[@Spitfireseven]

We never laughed. I could get beaten for being happy.

[@matthewwakeling4978]

I was (still am) quite the opposite. I'd not laugh in front of my abuser, but when I went to a counsellor I would laugh and joke about the horrible stuff that was done to me. It's a common thing, a protection mechanism - it protects the emotions against getting too involved in the evil. My mind knew during those counselling sessions that the only way I was going to be able to talk about what was happening without completely breaking down in bits was by trivialising it by laughing and joking. Now I'm out a couple of months, and I still laugh and joke. Partly because I'm very much happier than I was, and I'm also making that conscious decision to lean towards happiness. However, I'm very clear that my sympathetic nervous system just has not got the memo yet that I'm safe. If I talk about what happened to someone, I'll end up shaking, even while I'm cheerfully talking. I was talking to a friend who happens to be a doctor, and they got concerned and started feeding me sugar. I'm waking up a couple of hours earlier than I want to in the morning, and I can't get back to sleep. I'm crying at profound songs, which I have never done before. And six weeks ago I fell off my (push)-bike, bashed my knee a bit, but had the most extreme sympathetic nervous system shutdown I have ever seen - my vision went black, my arms and hands went stiff with pins and needles, and I shook, and it wasn't until two hours later I was able to get up and limp. I'm keeping myself going by being busy. I don't think that's a long-term strategy - I'm going to have to relax at some point.

[@IamHappyDavis]

I use to describe myself as easily amused, I use to laugh at everything....same I could never tell a joke because I would giggle trying to tell it. Same with crying, I don't cry anymore.

[@JessAnonymous]

Same! Heavy on the manic. When I first started crying again i went WILD with it. I cried over any and everything. Feels so good to cry, but now I know how to regulate my emotions better

[@aaloha2902]

@@matthewwakeling4978 Hey Matthew, I can relate 🙏🏼 The shaking is actually a good thing. It’s your nervous system trying to release the traumatic stress. If you want to shake on purpose, you could do TRE (Trauma Release Exercises). There are plenty of these TRE exercises available for free on YT as well as Vagus Nerve reset exercises, but there are also professional therapists who use TRE as a part of their treatment, if that feels safer for you. That shutdown you had sounds intense 🙏🏼 Take care, Angi 🙏🏼🌺

[@deebee4622]

While caring for my aging malignant narcissistic mother I learned origami on KZbin, bought a peaceful beach scene paint by number kit, and watched numerous KZbin videos pertaining to narcissism. Those hobbies got me through my mother’s mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. Through prayer/ many conversations with God He opened up an opportunity for me to leave my obligation to take care of my mom and I thank Him everyday for the peace and joy I am experiencing. Don’t let learned helplessness hold you back from a future filled with opportunity and tranquillity.

[@bettyrubble9420]

I am where you were. I was no contact for 25 yrs, my mom gave me some money and I went through a divorce and somehow I ended up allowing this to bring me back to having contact with her again, guilt? Anyway she has always had a way of managing things so I am taking care of her needs without me being aware of what is happening. I had no idea she was a narcissistic toxic mother, I just knew I didn’t like her. When she moved in with me, instantly I felt sick. I was back in my old life with her and I was lost, I didn’t understand. Thank the Lord He started to reveal all of this to me. To understand and uncover it is so freeing I am grateful to know. I am praying and asking Him for an opportunity to have her move right out of town, far away, back to where she came from and set me free of this obligation. She is poisoning my life. This ‘victim personality’ is very interesting and registers with me, it explains so much. I had no idea, but how would I? This is how I was raised. It’s exhausting. It explains the terror I constantly lived in, the procrastination, the rage and overreaction, overthinking and not being able to function in school and the coping mechanisms. All of these things are coming back and I just want to throw her out, but I know I have to outsmart her otherwise it will be her ammunition against me to completely destroy my life here. I can’t let her do that.

[@johnnygizmo4733]

That's exactly where I am now. I'm stuck.

[@RadioPsychicAstrologyByPepper]

I didn’t realize that learnedly helplessness was a thing until I saw a video that was super telling…. And now I’m just reconstructing best i can manage to and it’s my faith in God that allows me to keep going.

[@kathymyers7279]

I DO NOT DESIRE TO BE HELPLESS LIKE A CHILD! I’ve fought that for years with my husband , financial abuse has trapped me here. I really resent that, I know “all the things”. I have NOWHERE TO GO.

[@kathymyers7279]

@@johnnygizmo4733me too. For years. I’m trying .

[@carlskepple1]

Learning self approval was my saviour from narcissistic abuse. However, I am now experiencing red flag syndrome and struggle to trust anyone who displays any signs of narcissism, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. I will never walk on eggshells again.

[@LollyQ.]

I have been experiencing red flag syndrome also. But it’s not always a good thing because I am now with a good man. I am concerned I could run him off because I’m always on high alert with our relationship. I become super detective if anything, even the smallest thing seems off. I’m making a positive gain on it, but man, it is hard to fully trust someone again.

[@Candy-O1776]

I trust no one, I’m now in my 70’s.

[@LoriLeeSurfCityTemptations]

58'and I don't trust anyone either. I don't see it happening with all this crap going on in the world either.

[@aaloha2902]

Trust means that you can actually count on someone acting in your best interest. People who say ‘trust me’ can’t be trusted, it has to be built and established. The best remedies to ‘red flag syndrome’ is getting to know yourself very well, knowing your blind spots, learning how to act in your own best interest (esp when fawning and other survival strategies kick in) and learning how to build and establish trust with others. It’s a learning curve as well as a healing curve, knowing that you are enough and worthy to be treated right is part of it. Personally I’d rather give myself the benefit of the doubt than others and I’d rather trust self-advocacy than relying on the word of someone that hasn’t built and established trust. 🙏🏼🌺

[@Indy__isnt_it]

I trust NO ONE, IT'S HORRIBLE

[@krisamico]

The loss of executive function that narcissistic abuse has caused is the single most destructive manifestation of CPTSD for me. It turns business and personal life into a wasteland because important things just never get done. If coercion has been a component of your relationships, this is especially true. When the narcissist disappears, along with them goes your means of command and control. It can be extremely difficult to learn to think independently and execute tasks, and life can become a place cluttered with broken functions and institutions. This has been by far the most vexing and depressing part of recovery.

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

Definitely. I now have an ADHD diagnosis, but I often wonder....

[@jillmartin6020]

@@sarahlongstaff5101Me too! 7 yrs ago as a 36 yr old. It wasn’t until I went for a 2nd opinion months later that I learned many indicators of ADHD also exist where C-PTSD is present

[@HisDearMissK]

@krisamico WoW that's amazing. It's happening to me. How will I cope out in the real world when I get away from him. Where should I go?

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@sarahlongstaff5101 Gabor Mate theorizes that ADHD is a trauma response.

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

@@jmvwegnerpriestADHD symptoms can be caused by things as varied as poor sleep-to inflammation from cerebral malaria. To attribute all ADHD symptoms to trauma is simplistic. What’s lacking here is a better definition of ADHD.

[@SigridMadalina]

You were so blessed to find a therapist who knew what was going on. 🌸

[@micron-q1k]

So true 🎉

[@SacredDreamer]

Yes indeed.

[@lililululalabooboo]

Very lucky. I had some miss it because they didn't want to break a marriage.

[@JessAnonymous]

@@lililululalabooboo A lot of these 'therapists' are wack. No one could spot what was going on years ago smh even went as far as to say the abuser was my 'safe space.' Ah hell nawl

[@mixedlag]

@Sigrid I had the same thought when she talked about what her therapist told her. I would've loved to find a therapist that.

[@Nataliamelisandre]

When I divorced my Narcissist 2021 (16 years together) …he moved out and I was left living in the walls in which years of narcissistic abuse happened. After 2 years of struggling to get out of depression, even though I was soooo happy now…when I came “home” I just felt trapped still. My friends would even say “don’t be a victim” as if I needed to just get over it. So not only did I sell my house, I moved all the way across country to start a new life. I’m struggling so hard financially now and the future is freighting… but I am so free mentally. I’m gaining my memory functions back slowly. I’m starting to feel those “drives” I used to feel. Like cooking and creating. My anxiety is becoming more manageable and I’m starting to become this person I was 16 years ago. But I had to move for this to happen. I still carry guilt. Like everyday. What could have I done better? Did I really need to sell my house? But your message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear for it all to make sense. I also have been able to see much more clearly, with distance and space my past life, how many others in my life are projecting a narcissistic personality toward me…making me instantly go back to those feelings you explained. I can see now you’re SO right. I stop thinking for myself in a way. It hurts more that those close to me just wrote me off as “mental”. Always asking “what’s wrong?” I didn’t know. I couldn’t explain it. Now, THREE YEARS LATER…I’m starting to understand. I just knew living where I was, I’d never heal. I couldn’t explain it. No one believed me (or so it felt) so I just did it. I moved. And I do not regret it. But now in my new life …age 45… I’m literally having to start all over again. Happy to say I’m thinking about MY future again. Im excited about my career possibilities again and I’ve even started writing children stories. I absolutely could not get my brain to function before I moved out of that house. Until I saw this today I just couldn’t explain it. I just looked “crazy” to everyone. Thank you for your words. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. It’s a peace of mind I didn’t expect to have today. Thank you

[@helenahandkart1857]

I hear you.. slightly different issues for me, but significantly related to place..

[@Buffalogirl_23]

Happy you had the courage to get out & now get back to yourself. Wishing you all the best!

[@PennyDavis-cm9tl]

Yes. Mom wanted to leave me the house. I told her if she did I'd burn it down. I've been homeless But not constant. I CAN relate. I won't go to that city. Get crazy if I go near that county. Do really well out of state. ♥️

[@ernestinebernard4715]

going through this after 43 yrs of marriage, moving on to live with my daughter and grandson in a different country.

[@SerenaHe-z3k]

those "nobody", "everybody", or "others", or "no one" are not important. Ignore them, and heal.

[@JessG_20]

My dad was an extreme narcissist, absolute perfect textbook example. When I was a child he was also physically abusive on a few occasions and there was so much emphasis on this as being the cause of my trauma. My mom and all of the therapists I was taken to were constantly focused on these instances of physical abuse and neglect and though they were traumatic, I have come to realize that the most traumatic aspect of his abuse was not physical. It was all of his lies and manipulation and psychologically twisting my brain to convince me I was worthless and broken. That has been the hardest thing to overcome because it turned me into a highly anxious people pleaser with no self esteme for most of my child, teen and early adult years. I also could not recognize for a long time when "friends" and other people were mistreating me because in comparison to my dad, their bad behavior was so mild. When other people acted disappointed or unfairly judgemental towards me, I ALWAYS blamed myself, only to wake up all these years later, reflect on it, and can now see how unfair they were being and how bad my so called "friends" were towards me. At least my head is more clear these days, I can see abusive or even just mildly unfair treatment from others that needs to be corrected. I don't have this need anymore for people to like me or win their approval.

[@grazielasantos952]

I'm so happy you reached a point today where you know exactly how to spot bad treatment from others and dont feel the need to win approval. Thanks for sharing

[@nadineelizabeth195]

This is like you are describing me also and my life 😢

[@LoriLeeSurfCityTemptations]

your lucky It took me 51 years . I had my first Spiritual Awakening. I am 58 now and have learned more in the last 7 years then I did my whole life.

[@mysticpizza02]

I relate to this so much, sending love x

[@JessAnonymous]

i can relate. Heavy on the HIGHLY anxious chronic people pleaser with NO self esteem. just awful & im sorry you experienced that

[@juaffle]

My mind says no more relationships... Ever

[@Kaitlin24247]

Why does nobody mention PTSD, dissociation, social anxiety, agoraphobia. That can be caused after this type of abuse

[@shesssosavvy]

Yea. All these. Only, I don't fear going outside, I just have no desire to do so or deal with ppl.😢

[@DagmarAmrein]

Yes, all those things are true. I find EMDR breaks up those brain patterns, but even so, its a struggle.

[@lanie-ok]

Yes, severe anxiety all that. You think you're coping then break down at the thought of going to the shops. It's a daily battle.

[@anaisrailunga4580]

A lot of people mention this! You not following the right people.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

I experienced all of this! ❤

[@Tanz-og6yh]

Totally, I lost myself, my smile, and my laugh. I'm still not back to myself yet, and it's been a few years

[@MiracleQuantumMoon]

I completely understand, miss my out of control laughter. I lived for it. My innocence and vulnerability is gone.

[@Horseluvver]

I barely recognise myself.

[@MiracleQuantumMoon]

@@HorseluvverI resonate

[@MoPoppins]

While in your healing process, try to spend as much time as you can OUTSIDE of the influence of others. Gain clarity of your thoughts, of objective truth, and keep reinforcing it daily thru revised/reformed thoughts & habits. Journal, repeat affirmations , use tech to help you by setting reminders that come to YOU, and show you daily what you’re aiming towards. Remember that if you’re no longer living with the abuse, you’re only reacting to MEMORIES. What this ultimately means is: NO MEMORIES = NO ABUSE. When someone has dementia or amnesia, isn’t that essentially what’s occurring? In your case, if you’re not experiencing memory loss, what you can do is DISPLACE old, traumatic memories by creating NEW MEMORIES thru new experiences. Do things that are unfamiliar and HEALTHY, if your past has been filled with disregulation & dysfunction. As you have these new experiences, you create MUSCLE MEMORIES, and though at first you might feel your body involuntarily reacting to the unfamiliarity of healthiness, if you keep reinforcing this, it becomes your NEW NORMAL. Becoming healthy & strong after protracted abuse is just a RECONDITIONING PROCESS. We who are familiar with the process know that this isn’t fast or easy, but it will ultimately be worth it, because YOU ARE WORTH IT….that’s why you’re still here-you’re meant to experience a new chapter of life. All the best to you! 🙏✨💕

[@aaloha2902]

MiracleQuantumMoon is such a beautiful YT name 🙏🏼 I hope you find ways to rekindle with your innocence, vulnerability & laughter! Reparenting my Inner Child helped and I make sure it’s protected, with all their innocence, vulnerability & playfulness. When I set boundaries I am aware that a ‘No’ to others is a ‘Yes’ to me and my innocence & vulnerability. I bet it’s all still there, hiding on a deeper level, protected by a part of you that decided to guard it no matter what you went through 🙏🏼 I hope you find the key to access it again 🌝💫 🪄 🔮

[@devikabrendon7198]

You can get it back. Your innocence and vulnerability and capacity for joy can recover.

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

Being around other people makes me exhausted now. I can only tolerate short bouts with others before I'm completely spent and need to retreat to home.

[@tricialafrancerougas]

Same!!

[@ButterflyChik1982]

I'm right there with you, after being traumatized for years by my narcissistic and mentally and emotionally abusive husband. I'm so defensive now and always hyper vigilant of anyone that I feel is trying to take advantage of me, taking me for granted, or putting me down in ANY way, shape or form. God is helping me to move forward and heal my broken heart and mind. ❤

[@malibu90265]

I have to learn how to laugh again. My happiness and joy is quiet but real, but there is no overt expression of playfulness or laughter. I had one good laugh and my stomach muscles hurt.

[@ThankYouJesusTheChrist]

I hear you

[@kimberlychristine9284]

Same boat. My narc parents are both so serious and couldn't take my eccentric sense of humor and often got mad if I was laughing or joking around too much. Around family and other people, I was told and conditioned to be serious, mature, and adult like (even though I was 10). People assumed I was a serious quiet person and had no idea I was funny. Now as an adult, I feel like an emotionless robot. I'm also trying to learn to laugh and have fun again.

[@malibu90265]

@@kimberlychristine9284 We can do it. I can remember falling down on the ground with laughter when I was a teenager. Anything made me laugh when I was with my good friends. I particularly laughed hard at the Hallmark greeting cards. I have no idea why except that I was free to be me!

[@ookipuki]

​@@kimberlychristine9284let's all go to another island together.ive suffered severe abu*e and r**e and was around these angry hateful ppl too my whole life but I LOVE TO see ppl happy and to hear laughter.... I can't stand evil people... ❤ please remember you're allowed to be happy. Don't look into those evil hateful eyes of listen to the scoffing and jealousy . Stay beautiful.... and safe!!!

[@kimberlychristine9284]

@@ookipuki thank you for your kind words 💖. So sorry that you experienced so much trauma. Sending internet hugs your way. I like your idea, let's go party on our own island and dance and laugh and be free. 🎉

[@stephanieking1111]

I think this is the best explanation of how the narcissistic abuse/victim’s brain works. A clear, concise explanation.

[@alastair6356]

One of the biggest things that helped me recover was realising that they were not going to change, that they only wanted my resources and distruction. They where 100% committed to my down fall, using your own mind and doubts against you, for 3 years I could not sleep renunating constantly .After their discard..You have to reset yourself especially if you have been a people pleaser all your life. Make your self your number one priority ,live your best life , maintain you fitness, If you are lonely get a pet it will love you .Do a reverse discard go no contact with the Narcs mirror their tactics, walk away and dont look back, healing takes time , do not be hard on yourself.🤩👍

[@drewisours]

Thank you for this ❤

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

Yeah, it's hard when I'm the one who set boundaries first, and then they blocked me. It was like "wait, what? YOU're the toxic one here."

[@kiminose7123]

Yes!! It took me decades to see this-my sibling was diagnosed BPD age 12 & now I know why my parents wanted me to learn about survival-all my life-my sibling(s) was bent on destroying my dear Mom (emotional abuse)& then later to point of eldercare kidnapping/abuse and he set up lies & projection so when I (with Mom's loving encouragement needed to stay safe from all siblings in no contact)was when I took the first step to survive-it was after all 3 siblings continued literally harassing me (I reported it to police) via texts (one is an alcoholic/who my parents had to protect me from & had already stranded me on a rooftop when I was 4 yrs old)and in person the non BPD enabler one said 'we will slam you with bills and watch you go under...& when your back injury comes back we'll put you away permanently' (just like they did to Mom that blindsided both me and Mom). Then I started noticing what people seeing the situation objectively reported to me: Friends of me and Mom she made in the assisted living places told me those brothers were setting me up to destroy me-objectively again friends for years told me they saw it: from lifetime of being 'set up' to be randomly scapegoated for any complaint offending their or cohorts' 'perfection' justified every put down & private cruelty while pretending otherwise publicly/controlling me and Mom justified their lifestyle 'conveniences' and all thru my response of self critical ways and doubting myself (to this day) but Mom SO loved and believed in me-& now I am free inside-and am pursuing my dreams with my Mom's beautiful example (she was also a US Navy vet/corpsman which was why she said stayed strong when they took her from home). 'They have to go thru me to get to you baby!' she often said & said even more after they'd taken her from home-my Saint Mom was protecting me from them while in her eighties and wheelchair and against her own will at that point out of state from home. Love you Mom (now with the Angels!!!) And with me everyday as always she promised in love and hope!!!❤❤❤❤❤🙏

[@tlbccc]

My mother was a narcissist, so this was the “normal” that was familiar to me. This lead to a marriage to a narcissist, but I eventually escaped through divorce. However, I wasn’t aware of the pattern, so I ran too quickly into another marriage to a narcissist! During this marriage, I started researching narcissism, found a great support group, and I worked on myself. I’m so proud to say that I ended my second marriage four years ago, and I am finally living the best life! I’m happy and healed! I’m sharing my story, so that others can see that a better life is possible! Get away, heal, and start living a wonderful life!

[@HuHWhatOk]

How are you sure you’re not the narcissist?

[@weleftitbehind5105]

I have an identical story…

[@weleftitbehind5105]

@@HuHWhatOkwhat about what was said in this comment led you to make this comment???

[@HuHWhatOk]

@@weleftitbehind5105 because people often cry and run telling stories when in reality they were the narcissist the entire time

[@shayaeido8405]

Amazing!! As a fellow narc kid I who has dated cluster Bs up until the past couple years…so relatable and I’m so proud of you ❤

[@CH-AUA]

Omg, this is me. I truly thought I was getting dementia because of my memory loss and negative thought patterns. My entire life was spent with my narcissistic mother and 2 narc ex husbands, patterns😢 I pray my brain recovers

[@sharonwhittle2437]

Spot on for me!!! Thankyou❤

[@jonstewart5386]

I can totally identify, especially with the trait where you are constantly looking for people's reactions while you're talking to them. It feels like being a bit disconnected and I let my mouth talk while I make sure the person reacts positively. I always felt like that kept my conversations a little superficial because all that "checking" was taking up bandwidth in my head. Thanks for the video, it was insightful!

[@pegm5937]

"Days to recover from a trauma response." Yeah, no kidding.

[@heathphipps]

@@softsophisticate- Yup, my sister is a GenX doctor with narcissistic tendencies and thinks she is the expert on all subjects and just won’t listen to me or treat me with any respect but of course demands I respect her 25 years as a doctor even when she is wrong about a topic. And right now I’m in a new relationship that she has told me I need to be in for a year before she will recognize him or meet him as my partner. She is an absolute control freak and is in a deep state of hurt and mistrust due to her own divorce from a husband who was emotionally abusive and also from having a kid with DS and the husband essentially not being able to handle having a kid with special needs. And instead of owning her stuff, she constantly takes her stress and anger out on me! She also has perfectionist issues so constantly compares her delusions of having some perfect life to me and of course claims I’m a mess and I need help instead of just allowing us both to share our difficulties with each other and recognize that we both have challenges and they are different and we don’t need to compare them! Making comparisons and being in ego perfectionist mode are such blocks to empathy and compassion!

[@heathphipps]

@@softsophisticate- So sorry you have to go through such difficult feelings due to your sister’s behavior and communication too! It really does suck and we have emotionally and physically abusive (to me but not her) parents too and she knows that but for some reason can’t seem to stop being like my Mom and super critical of me! I’m just feeling so done with both my sister and my Mom because as an empath, I am there for both of them and then when I need support they criticize and dole out unsupportive advice!

[@TraditionalWifeWisdom]

I grew up with a narcissistic parent...A few years ago I was listening to comedians because I was so broken, I was trying to help myself lighten up and laugh. I still don't laugh. I want to... I thought people pleasing was my personality. It's not. People pleasing does not mean that you are a nice person. It means that you think everyone is more valuable than you are. Thankyou for this. I have been looking for someone who understands how deeply being with a narcissist affects a person. I am working on being whole and not afraid of people.

[@BlazeIsBOSS]

you should check out the kill tony show or protect our parks podcast, super funny stuff

[@kayh156]

The not understanding what is happening aspect is the worst. I had a horrible startle reflex for years until I learned what I was dealing with. Now it is gone. The simple truth of knowing and understanding what is happening is so healing.

[@LinYouToo]

I’m 61 and still get startled

[@reddawn8230]

I startle too easily. My narc thinks it’s funny.

[@LaLeoRonroneo]

I have lost the twinkle in my eyes. I used to be so happy. 😮‍💨 I got so much joy to hear you also used to laugh at your own jokes. I deeply desire to be carefree again. … I know I can overcome this. I remember who I really am.

[@whitneygreerpeterson8644]

I’ve developed immune health issues, a histamine intolerance, thank you for your videos the awareness you bring to us is so incredibly important. Thank you for what you do.

[@Kaitlin24247]

Hyperthyriodism, graves disease here.

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

@@Kaitlin24247oh I’m sorry. Sending you love.

[@RK-qk7ow]

These can be healed by learning how to regulate autonomic nervous system

[@songsofsusannah]

I also have auto-immune issues and histamine intolerance. I wonder if it's related. I had 2 narcissistic parents and I developed my first auto-immune disorder and histamine intolerance as a young child. And I've been collecting auto-immune disorders ever since!

[@uikmnhj4me]

@@RK-qk7owBut some people develop dysautonomia that isn’t easily regulatable.

[@QuinnPrice]

Understandably, devaluation, gaslighting, never enough, and post-relationship smear/alienation would cause us to cacoon, doubt ourselves, and react in unskillful ways. For many of us, it started in our family of origin and continued with a partner. Awareness starts the healing journey. Relax into the expectation that you have reclaimed your core essence, the "you" before the trauma, and you will.

[@majakodzoman4924]

Sometimes you have to learn who you are. I am in no contact for 4years now.. And it took me ages to clean my body from all that mess

[@jackih9682]

My mother was a narcissist. I never laughed as a child, and I find it hard to laugh as an adult. I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy, or I’ll be punished for being happy. People would tease me and tell me I didn’t smile enough. Nobody ever asked if I was okay. I basically learned to avoid people. I was also repeatedly told I was ugly growing up and now I avoid looking in mirrors as much as possible. I find it hard to practice self-care, because I don’t care about myself.

[@DagmarAmrein]

I got in trouble for laughing or crying. I find it hard to look in the mirror. My mother was all about her looks, and constantly criticized my appearance. Basically said, no one will ever want you. So at 60, I have lived mostly by myself. The few relationships were one sided and abusive. Ive done everything on my own. Just trying to heal. Been doing EMDR therapy, which has been helpful.

[@lanie-ok]

Same! My mother was so cruel. Evil. Insulted me non stop. Constant beatings. So hard to find yourself, will never recover.

[@jackih9682]

Yes, exactly. My mother would tell me all through high school and young adulthood that I’d never be able to find a boyfriend. I’ve had very few relationships and have been alone most of my life.

[@alexandravincentadenichola2564]

I understand completely.

[@JessAnonymous]

You're on this video trying to find answers, so it's safe to say you DO care about yourself. You just don't know how. Yet. It looks hard af right now, but It IS do-able. Me today vs me even a year ago are 2 completely different people. It gets better

[@LetsBeHealthy_]

It’s the constant disappointment which translates as a reminder that they just don’t care, that is what hurts.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Staying away from the abusers and spending time with people who reciprocate love and kindness was my best help, together with educating myself about narcissistic abuse and parental alienation and practising self care and self compassion. Accepting what had happened and all the consequences and that I can't fix it, was a sad relief. This is my life and, though not what I expected, I am going to make the most of it. Learning what my mistakes were (emotional reactions and tolerating contempt and mistreatment) and JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining) and working on practising better ways is positive.

[@lesliebean4594]

This video helped make sense of so much of the confusion I’ve been experiencing. I’ve dealt with life long trauma, many traumas actually. And, I’ve lost site of who I am verses what my body, and mind are experiencing. I’m always in a state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Sometimes all at once. It’s exhausting.

[@hollymeredith4148]

I always say, “My gear shift is stuck.” So true. I can remember my old personality and high daily function person. I feel trapped in here and when I try to do a normal thing, I get overwhelmed with pain and fear and feel like curling up in bed. I know I’d feel better if I could get some things done, but so many days I just do one or two things and that’s all. I seem to be dissociated and asleep while awake, and then the day is over in an hour.

[@Rain9Quinn]

I feel this wat too, so unproductive, but if i get a couple things done, im done….🙄😳

[@PennyDavis-cm9tl]

That's me. Take me fifteen min to sweep. The narc crippled me. If I didn't have a pet hamster to care for I'd do nothing. They rob you of everything good. I try to bragg on the things God has done for me. That's all I have now.

[@heart1caligurl]

same

[@redwarrior2424]

Me too

[@cjjensen2247]

My energy is so drained. I struggle taking care of my health issues, probably due to dealing with the situation I'm in. I have many projects to complete which some are ones he would like completed as well, but get shamed, devalued, when I try to express my difficulties thinking it's all due to my health issues. I have always been active doing things around the home and he sits around all day now in retirement and rarely contributes to help around home. I hate his spirit and I cannot seem to get as much done as I would like if he were gone. I try to keep my boundaries and try my best to not engage in any frustrations. I pray and try to keep to myself. I so relate to many in these situations.

[@JiddraInteMedZohan]

Thank's for this video. Your descriptions and explanations are so close to what I have experienced, it is uncanny. There is so much guilt and selfe blame induced by such relationships. And sadly it doesen't stay within the realm of the relationship with the narcissist. The fight or flight "condition" becomes permanent and applies to any given situation. You say it is hard to unlearn. I would say it's a lot more work and awareness to unlearn than one might expect. It get's to the point that almost any environment or situation keeps you on your toes (walking on eggshells). It's like being in fight or flight mode, and then fight and flight mode gets triggered on top of that (more often than not triggering a panic attack). You do make some pointers, but I am not sure how to "unlearn" my automatic responses to "triggers", which might not even be "triggers". Even in completely normal situations, the brain can trigger fight or flight, or even panic attack and some kind of collapse. I think the hardest part for me is that loved ones and people who I know really care about me, don't understand the condtion. You can explain it all you want, but anyone who didn't have the condition can simply not understand it. For me it has been somewhat of an Akillies heal in close relations, family -and work. After a panic attack I will get questions like "How are your energy levels today". "Are you up to this job"? Then one has to go on to explain that I had a panic attack. My body if fine and I am up to whatever you would like. Having a panic attack is not synonomous with something wrong with my physical health. People may also say things like "Pull yourself together", "Pick yourself up", "Don't make such a big deal out of bla bla bla". It is one thing to heal, there is also this great hurdle of dealing with everyday life, as people around you simply don't understand what's going on with you, and make all kinds of wrong assumptions. You may even be labeled as lazy, antisocial, preoccupied, awry. All of which are symptoms of you being in constant fight or flight mode. Then you have a meeting with your boss, or job office, or social services, providers of benefits. They will say things like "You don't appear to be taking this meeting seriously". I actually can't blame them, because that is exactly what one looks like when one is (in fight of flight mode), and expecting everyting to go horribly wrong. You are programmed to expect the worst, and by you demenour it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So much more to say and I could problably write i pretty respectable paper on the subject. I have so much self awereness about the subject; and still I am struggeling to get out of self demenour and guilt. I am allways taking care of others at expence to my own economy and wellbeing. There is much more to my story, and I could continue on. Thank's to anyone who took the time to read this entire post. Give me a thumbs up if it was meaningful, or a thumbs down if it was a waste of time ;-)

[@PennyDavis-cm9tl]

Very well said. The most insightful and honest I've read. Thank You. I totally relate. Gwad folks just don't get it. You are awesome. Through you I saw the big picture. Where is society. I mean how in hell does this stay legal.😮

[@myvideochannel1572]

Try the 12-step programs ACA and CODA. They really help. Worked for me.

[@joshualong7517]

I just learned how my hypervigilence has been from all the narcissistic abuse I grew up with. My empathy is off the charts and I pay attention to everything in social interactions, not realizing those are all coping mechanisms to being around a gaslighting and emotionally absent dad. I laugh easily and don't have conscious anxiety, but realize there's a sub-conscious unease that I've lived with forever that I'm learning to let go. Thanks for sharing these insights with us to keep filling out my knowledge on all of this.

[@RosieTime_]

My parents were trained to put their feelings aside and work to help the family. When they were raising us, I guess they expected us to follow suit. Fun was not a thing to look forward to. Today my light bulb went off. Just because they did it, they can't make it normal. It's not normal to deny your feelings of enjoyment, then get used to it. This clip is amazing! I need help coming out of my shell.

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

Beautiful insight. I'm excited for you. 🎈🌟🌿

[@toots810usa6]

The abuse and gaslighting creates a situation where you don't trust your own instincts to leave!

[@boxelder9167]

Sleep disorders are also a common symptom.

[@torylynne]

I haven't had a full nights sleep in years.

[@spicyphilly]

Yes! I had insomnia so bad in the toxic relationship I was in. Still do, but it's not quite as bad.

[@Myatheroses]

I haven’t had a full nights sleep in a lifetime feels like

[@boxelder9167]

@@Myatheroses- I had a sleep study and it said that I woke up every 7 minutes and never went into REM sleep. I moved to a house as far away from people as possible and I finally felt safe. I think it is the first time I’ve ever slept in 50 years. I also have done a ton of work on CPTSD; Neuro feedback, therapy, cognitive processing therapy, inner healing ministry, 12 steps, writing down the trauma, group therapy, exposure therapy, prayer and meditation, breathing exercises, and anything else that someone said helps. Each thing brings a different perspective and set of tools. I still have some sleepless nights. I still have some nightmares and night sweats but it’s WAY BETTER than it was. I encourage you to take whatever steps you need to take and not give up on yourself. You are worthy of being loved no matter how much brokenness you have endured. Your story and your experience have great value to those just beginning their journey. Our potential is beyond what we can comprehend and we are capable of achieving great things when we strive to start walking in that. I will suggest you do some breathing exercises for yourself. When we can’t control anything happening around us we can still control our breathing. I used square breathing to help with anxiety which is inhaling for 5 seconds, holding for 5 seconds, exhaling for 5 seconds, holding for 5 seconds. It felt like the stupidest thing I’ve ever tried at first until I started to realize that if I focused that I could control my heart rate and I lowered my blood pressure enough that I no longer needed medication. Also forcing myself to yawn resets the brain waves and calms the nervous system to transition to sleep. Of course I am writing this at 4 am after only sleeping for a couple hours. 😁 It’s progress and not perfection. But I am off all the drugs and sleep meds and have been for a couple years.

[@sharonthompson672]

I was a tiny child with dark circles under my eyes. Terrible insomnia my whole life until I got help. Keep looking until you find a professional who understands toxic family systems, narcissistic abuse and cptsd.

[@5EmBem]

Yes! Laughing was my milestone that made me realise that I'm finally healing ❤

[@LeighAnne-z3g]

Boom! Spot on. This is me. I was raised by a narcissist dad and married 3 narcissists. A terrible cycle. I am 62 and since 2014 I have been working on myself. This is so helpful.

[@bumblebee7082]

This video made me cry so much cos this is me right now. It's like disaster is around the corner,I'm forgetful, basically living on the edge. It's only been 9 months since I left 11yrs of marriage with a narc(got to know about narcissists 3 yrs ago) then it all made sense that I'm not crazy after all. Thank you Michele for explaining the aftermath in simple language

[@rosieb3084]

Wow, this really opened my eyes... I resonate with everything you shared. Whats worse is when the narcissist builds a community against you when you are the one being abused and shamed for being numb and so unhappy and depressed.

[@reddawn8230]

I’m “soul-weary” and tense simultaneously, all the time. I can’t even remember who I used to be. Married 27 years.

[@beutel6116]

28 years

[@caralee2617]

For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com

[@saragolightly]

Do you know my ex-boyfriend?? In all seriousness, thank you so much. This is the perfect description.

[@hummers7342]

On alert, on eggshells....constantly. God please help us be strong so we can learn to live as ourselves again. Thank you.

[@johana-p1j]

Yes, Amen

[@laura-2]

Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,

[@critter_paws]

I love your understanding here. Do you put out content?

[@lambsbecomelions8997]

Whoa! Thank you for taking the time to write this! You put into words, what I couldn't articulate.

[@franoconnor4658]

You have explained the unexplainable. And my emotional response to this was strong. It's pure insanity living with this constant subtle manipulation. learning why and how to stop this is the key. Thankyou

[@greenroses4950]

This gave me chills. It's everything he did. The not remembering things and making you feel crazy for being hurt or affected by what he doesn't remember. Accepting more abuse because fighting back just made it worse. I am afraid of relationships now and I'm not sure how to get rid of the emotional flash backs.

[@websurfer5772]

I'm experiencing chronic anger and I was never an angry person before - I know that's part of the problem. You did a great job explaining my situation and my lived experiences to me. Thank you. 🤩 I do wonder too though if "All the king's experts and all the king's victims couldn't put Humpty together again."

[@Celestialle]

Loved the part when she said she didn’t laugh for a long time she started to forgot how to laugh. As someone who was raised by a narc mother I do laugh but it is extremely forced and fake. It just became who I am. I have always found it strange how people laughed so easily, how they enjoyed things I found trivial, how I couldn’t feel happy whenever something good happened ti me. The healing process is long but I believe in it.

[@cajuncrackerranch7990]

Very accurate and resonating Michelle. It is a battle of the soul; armor up!

[@ChocolateJewels]

I actually just now (about a week ago) understood that my mother is a covert narcissist ... NOW it all makes sense. I just hope and prey that I didn't damage my own kids that way.

[@bartholetbayana9198]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@michael-gg2rh]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@bartholetbayana9198]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@michael-gg2rh]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@bartholetbayana9198]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@starryvonne1188]

There are millions and millions of others her age that have special traits, talents, gifts, skills, love & fun to share.

[@MelissaMayhem99]

I have never felt so called out from a video. Each time you said a new trait, my jaw dropped and I said "Omg. It's me." Thank you for making me feel seen and heard. I'm constantly told I overreact and I'm overly defensive, and I need to let things go. I want to scream "I would if I could!!"

[@rebecca4650]

You ever have a cry that you can't pinpoint the root of? It's not from sadness or joy, but more of an exhustingly-great, release of tension. That small release put into perspective the high amount of tension, that I do have. I feel lighter, hopeful, and very sleepy now.

[@lunamaru65431]

I am in tears. I am living in this state for five years. All I have to cling on this the hope that the relationship he discarded me for ends. I’m a husk of who I used to be. I won’t ever be able to recover and it’s now impacting my health.

[@sentinelsofvmi2227]

You will be able to recover. You will.

[@pampj8501]

My wife always says she sees glimpses of me now and then and I was like “what do you mean?” After some self reflection I see what she means. When I feel safe, which is rare, I am goofy and child like, that is because my inner child feels safe to show herself. When I don’t feel safe, I am quiet and distant, that is because my inner child goes into hiding and my Guardian takes over and She is all business. Unfortunately I still have minor children with the Narc and he finds every chance he can to tear me down. He is big mad because I remarried and I am surviving without him. He is currently using my son to try and tear me down. Every once in awhile I take the bait, but those times are becoming fewer and further between.

[@mixedlag]

Feeling safe and building that feeling is a big part of polyvagal theory. Have you heard of it? Stephen Porges interviews interviews on KZbin are pretty good for explanations of what it is. Deb Dana writes about it and she is also interviewed by different KZbin creators. Then there's Justin Sunseri who has some good info too, if you can get past his monotone voice lol. He does have a blog though so you can read instead of listen to him. Justin also has a course and community but you can learn plenty about it without paying for anything. Even some of the books you may be able to find at a library. I'm not affiliated with any of these people, just have found some good info there. And your comment about feeling safe, prompted me to reply. Feeling safe is so key to our recovery and healing and polyvagal theory is all about the feeling of safety and how to create it for yourself. And in turn will help you become more resistant to times of stress.

[@sharonthompson672]

Baby steps 🖐️🍀

[@Pond-erer]

My narcissistic ex weaponized his parental rights and after 4 challenges to our custodial agreements and gaining more little by little, he bribed and brainwashed our only child and I was eventually so broken down and broke that I stopped fighting and my son went to live with him where there was more wealth and ease. Three years later my son almost died from eating disorder his dad denied he has. I am living wreckage unable to write a resume anymore. Etc. narcissism in my own family was the origin of everything. They have alienated me because I am the container of sad and terrible things. It’s the icing on the toxic cake. Most therapists don’t know how to help with this depth of damage. I have many practices to calm my nervous system. Reprogramming the mind is the hardest and very exhausting. Been trying to recover forever. This woman is so lucky she found information and is young and energetic. Good luck everyone. And Nature helps. Sadly the kinds of narcissism we’re talking about is also destroying Mother Earth.

[@terrevite]

Spot on for me! I spent 25 years in a narcissistic abusive relationship, 8 years later I am finally finding who I really am! It’s so exciting to reach this point after so much healing work. Thank you for sharing .

[@MeganS1995]

That's awesome! May you have a successful individuation!

[@pocahontas4583]

9:30 Gosh this explains a lot. I try to explain to people that sometimes just having a 5 minute interaction with my ex leaves me feeling “disturbed”, drained and depressed for DAYS if not weeks. This happened to me recently. It’s been about a week and I’ve been in a deep dark depression ever since that last 5 minute conversation because it was so hostile, condescending and he was doing his usual double talk and playing mind games in that short time. Even now as I’m watching this I’ve been struggling so badly, I’ve felt burnt out and exhausted all day. Top off the interaction with him I have “church folks” that have been contributing to my burnout constantly asking me to do more and more.

[@krystapope9130]

Holy cow! You have no idea how many times I’ve said, “ I’ve lost my laugh”. Everything in this video resonates with me. It’s all explained so well!

[@cheslinscheepers2547]

It affected my nervous system badly.

[@shalay674]

Crazy to realize. After 10 years I developed social anxiety, anxiety in general, major depression and OCD. I pray everyday I can work through this….

[@ursiedotromshanti]

You can once you leave, block, grey rock, do not be tempted to contact or retaliate no matter how crazy they try to make you get police involved if needed (my ex stalked and hacked into social media)…work on it every day nothing is lost when healing. I threw everything at it meditation journaling homeopathy running, yoga, psychotherapy/hypnotherapy, Body Code/emotion code/T3 & soul retrievals, go easy on yourself too …hope some of that helps Xx

[@ravenmoon4819]

Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work is an amazing resource for healing. 💗

[@amyd3494]

When you said you had to teach yourself to laugh again….. I felt that and am struggling through that right now. Thank you for your videos, I don’t feel so alone

[@rhiannonwalker3047]

14 years later and I don't even remember the person I used to be. I really don't. I look at old pictures and its like I'm looking at a complete stranger. But I know I miss that person. 💔

[@ltconyers78]

My physical features changed. My face looks so harsh and not soft anymore. I don't like looking in mirrors but I know I need to in order to get back to my old self. Stress has aged me a lot quicker than it should have. I hate that I gave someone that kind of control over me. But at least I know now and can work on making me better.

[@user-np6tf8zx1u]

I feel the same 😢🫂

[@PPL-H8TR]

💯 I too do this all the time. I miss the old me so bad

[@Wishpool]

*Excellent* video, Michele! I have CPTSD from multiple (and different types) of traumas. I get this.

[@crlake]

Years and still working through it.

[@dreasd275]

This video found me today. I am truly grateful. Thank you.

[@nightrainbows1032]

you are very fortunate to have figured this out at a young age. Its taken me 50 years to only begin conecting the dots

[@UrDominioN]

Honey, I can relate to that so much! I had an existential crisis, alone. I did this trauma work all on my own. So now I call myself an auto didactic, I’ve always been… and only finished seventh grade. I’m new and improved, it took a few years. I wouldn’t have change anything about it. I love who I am, in my life now! Much Love

[@carospereman3537]

personality of victims of covert narcs. This is a really really good explanation of emotional states. You totally described me to a tee and I did possess each of the 5 states you mentioned. After years of awareness and learning about narcissism, I am well into the path of being authentic and feeling normal. I longer go into flight, fight, fear or fawn. I analyze and then react with an adult response. It feels good to be in control of emotions. I had to learn to laugh again too. Thanks for doing vid Michele.

[@PSA3377]

I feel like fear and anxiety turned me into an angry over reactive person

[@johana-p1j]

me too and I dont like that, as she say: this is not the REAL you, but trauma response, its normal in abnormal situation.

[@mymelody444-w6j]

.. I grey rock for my own safety .. before I would disregulate at every conversation with the narc it only gave them fuel to gossip and turn others against me

[@arianhrodkeltoi8104]

24/7/365+1/4 years in a row. I need my pre-frontal brain back! Huuughh! This makes so much sense, and is touching a nerve here.

[@metonicycle6294]

I was married to a female covert narcissist for 12 years. I have been no contact since November. My personality was affected but was never lost. In fact my personality is only going to improve from this horrific abuse. She tried her best to destroy me but fortunately I was too strong. Each day I feel better and better. Now our 16 year old son is another story. He needs help but he doesn't even know it yet. These covert narcissist's are as bad as child beaters. The emotional abuse is off the charts.

[@JiddraInteMedZohan]

Good job Sir. I am glad you got out of that bad news relationship, and I only hope you can guide your son away from whatever narcissistic behaviour he may have been subjected to. All the best to you and you

[@metonicycle6294]

@@JiddraInteMedZohan Thanks for the very kind comment. I wish you the best also.

[@PennyDavis-cm9tl]

Seen the damage they can do. Pretty severe stuff. It's not your fault. So sorry what a betrayal. You did good. Take good care of yourself and be an example of survival to your son. He'll need you the most. Life isn't fair. Proud you spoke out as a guy. I guess. Had a Vet friend that went through this too. He was beaten down from the feet up. But he came out with compassion for others. He found a support group of others. Did him a lot of good. He stayed with her. She took care of him while he was dying. But the remarks she gave him were so extremely cruel. Oh but she was a nurse. Whoopie. She was a monster. Even after he died she was mean and nasty Stay away from them.

[@creativelychimaine110]

So glad you got out.. Spot on. 30 ears married to covert narcissist, my daughter realized in her teens what her dad was. But still needs much help dealing with it. My son doesn’t. Kick myself for not leaving sooner but did not know soon enough about narcissism especially covert type.

[@calmerthanyou77]

Sober for the first time in my life. Took me 46 yrs to figure out my "mom" display's most of the traits of a neglectful narcissistic . This video made me cry more than once. Thank you for your videos. Truly, Truly, Helpful!❤

[@highwayoffaith8298]

Yeah, I'm working to find myself again. It's hard but it's worth it.

[@ASiteSee]

This is exactly what I need people around me to see. I fit all those traits, and it just drives people away. I can't just "let go" of my traumatic past. I need to break the trauma chain that's been holding me all these years. I do see a counselor, which has helped tremendously. So at least I've come this far.😊

[@AshlyRa]

Hi can you please make few videos on how to start a career after narcissistic mother abuse , when you are struggling with memory,health etc. And how to deal with office pressures when you are also dealing with depression it's like now I don't have peace anywere.

[@Alasiamfreefromnarc]

Therapy ❤

[@cathycoryell2351]

Build new coping skills, esp processing and release the old stressor. Look onto Irene Lyons, or Elizabeth Pantly widen the window book. The spoon theory, about capacity to deal and cope with energy or stress. If you're already dull of stress, taking on more isn't a reasonable ask. Therapy. Support yourself. Healing steps.

[@kylaarchie2805]

This is exactly what I’ve been through. Thank you for validating my experiences. ❤

[@WarriorGodess]

This is great advice. I have had to plow deeply, to release my childhood traumas. And responsably re construct my personality. Healthy baoundaries being key. I divorced my covert narc husband in 2018. And only now I am actually open for a healthy new romantic relationship. But my biggest regret now, is seing my son, going trhough it, with his dad. I am coparenting, and I am at a distance, but I use BIG amounts og emotional capacity on reparations after (and before) my son spends time as his dads...

[@nadyazify]

This is so crazy because I’ve been thinking about this all day every day for a good while. So much that I’m exhausted from trying to appear normal when inside I’m feeling all of those things. I just didn’t think there was anything that would for example help turn me back to the person I used to be. I feel like I can’t experience real happiness, even though good things are happening and I’m literally so lucky in so many ways. I feel guilty for not being able to be happy and be the best person for the people that I love and love me. I’ve even started to feel like I wasn’t worthy of being here for the mere fact that I can’t actually be able to enjoy being here. I feel like I’m losing the people I love and that terrifies me.

[@ellyess7203]

It just gets revived all the time. The constant criticism. Fear. Any noise sets it off. I have become a hermit, a recluse. This talk absolutely explained so much. My problem is the return of those who trigger the same reactions.

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Is he on instagram?

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

[@steceymorgan814]

Can Dr.sporessss send to me in UK?

[@Life00707]

Even though I am separated , I am stuck , still confused and unable to release fear.. Decision making is extremely difficult.

[@boxelder9167]

The low/mid brains job is to send us the red flags. When I see the red flags I just thank the low brain for doing it’s job. I acknowledge the red flag and then let it know that it can relax because I can take it from here. I also pay attention to what it’s saying because it is usually not based on the absolute truth. Then I assign a percentage to it. Instead of saying that I can’t trust anyone. I say that I can trust that person 50% with personal information, 10% with money and 80% that they aren’t going to cross into my lane in traffic and cause an accident. The logic of the low brain is 100% and 0%. That’s not a healthy way to view the world. But it’s vital for survival. I have great survival skills and now I’m working on living skills. They are 2 different skills.

[@allieeverett9017]

I walk in circles. I live in a super tiny space. It shouldn't even be possible to be that indecisive. But it is. I pray strength for you!

[@miaqueen9578]

im in the same boat. Im currently trying to seperate grom my husband but I fear once his anger is gone, he will come begging for forgivness and I cave and takr him back. I geel guilty for breaking our family apart, yet I can no longer live this life of a rollercoaster of up and down. I am exhausted, confused and scared.

[@misterlimey6408]

Please recognize that narcissists constantly cycle through idealization, then devaluation followed by discard, rinse and repeat. This process inevitably causes cognitive dissonance, where you don't know whether you're coming or going and causes the exhaustion and confusion you're describing. Be strong and educate yourself, you will get there in the end. Don't feel guilt either, marriage isn't meant to be a constant rollercoaster ride from hell@@miaqueen9578

[@PennyDavis-cm9tl]

I think back and forth. Like guessing. Afraid to trust my instinls.. 😮

[@JessAnonymous]

Yes to the teaching yourself how to laugh!!! Now, I love to laugh! I be laughing at everything. Even watch stand ups solely to laugh. Feels so good & I pray anyone struggling with that heals enough and your joy comes back

[@eggsdietdiary]

this is so validating, thank you so much ☺ It's been a year since I let go of my narcissistic ex. I am glad that I am no longer in the traumatized state BUT there are still certain triggers that make me go back to that dark place and I tend to lash out at my current partner or even new friends. I am still working on regulating my emotions. I find this video really helpful in reminding me that I am ok and I am not my trauma.

[@heatherwylde]

Great analogy about the home alarm!! WOW.

[@lovelyweeburd]

I mean, all of this… but when you mentioned alarm clocks - I have reached a point where my body is so exhausted all the time that I cannot wake up properly when my alarm goes off. And my body’s so exhausted I last about 6 hours before I have to lie down and nap - intending to sleep for an hour; but it turns into 3-5 hours. Then wake up, finish the most essential tasks for the day, and sleep again as soon as possible. I don’t have energy to eat enough, to drink enough fluids, even to wash with any regularity. And my home is an absolute tip. All I want is to be clean, warm, and comfortable; but it all feels so unattainable and exhausting to even think of the steps to get there let alone do the work to get there. Diagnosed C-PTSD & AuDHD for the record. Thank you for this video 💙

[@pamelaschutz1248]

What is AuDHD, please? I'm with you. To the point that disarray is beginning to feel comfortable, when I was ever the neatest person.

[@lovelyweeburd]

@@pamelaschutz1248 AuDHD is Autism (ASD) and ADHD 🙂

[@pamelaschutz1248]

@@lovelyweeburd , thank you. I've got Aspergers (mild high functioning autism - also diagnosed, but not ADHD.

[@lovelyweeburd]

@@pamelaschutz1248 We (the autistic community at large) would really appreciate you not using that term. Hans Asperger was a Nazi who was responsible for the deaths of around 800 children at his despicable 'hospital'. You have ASD. Short for Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Thank you.

[@lovelyweeburd]

@@pamelaschutz1248 We (the autistic community at large) would really appreciate you not using that term. Hans Asperger was a Nazi who was responsible for the deaths of around 800 children at his despicable 'hospital'. You have ASD. Short for Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Thank you.

[@bronwynbentley4308]

Thanks, this is phenomenal advice.

[@flip1980ful]

Over and over and over again and again and again. Im 52 and again so exhausted. I tell myself Im safe now but still my family lives rent free and wrecking my brain everyday

[@sandra_m_belz]

I remember the first time I laughed after my divorce. The sound actually caught ne off guard and I had this realization that it had been a very long time since I had actually laughed out loud.

[@azurea0587]

I totally resonated with what you said about finding that our personalities are basically sound and that recovering from narcissistic abuse involves reconnecting with that real self (an intact personality) and casting off the hypervigilant self. I feel that that's exactly where I am in my recovery journey. It started with realizing that what was wrong with the dysfunctional family relationships in my life was narcissistic abuse. That realization has, gradually, freed me to see that the problem was not me. It triggered a healing process (still in progress) that has freed me to feel more in touch with my real self and to let that caring, empathetic, loving, intelligent self shine through without being blocked by constant anxiety and vigilance. Excellent presentation, Michelle! Thank you so much!

[@shimmerysparkles123]

Thank you for providing HOPE. Just subscribed.

[@ingamager1953]

OMG - this is me!!!!! Ty you so much!