13 Super Specific Signs That Your Childhood Was Extremely Damaging

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@SaraFreedMiami]

Gimme some hope, man!!😮

[@serenepeacefulrelaxingmusi3874]

Thank you for your kindness. I have felt like the person I was meant to become died at the age of two. I feel like I am existing and always afraid of being judged. For instance, reading a book of my own choosing in case I should be working hard on something else that someone else considers a more worthy pursuit. I have health issues that prevent me from working as hard as I want, or even doing some of the activities I once adored, such as cooking, learning how to make new things, learning new hobbies, new languages, and so on. I still give them a go and can achieve some of this, but not to the extent that I would like. Perhaps I am too much of a perfectionist with myself, because failing to get things right proves me worthless, (in my mind) unless I check it. I am sure many people can be helped if they avail themselves of your course.

[@Debra-k1f]

​@@SaraFreedMiamiPlease 🙏 yes!

[@Debra-k1f]

You described so much of me in this ... I am ready to get moving up to the person that I am supposed to be. The person who exists now alone, without my husband. Grief is difficult to navigate, and I have to be the best version of myself from here . I know that he would want this for me! Thank you 😊

[@megs4193]

You are Amazing. Thank you 🙂❤❤❤.

[@murielvanderwesthuizen8553]

I love being alone, i really do now, i love being with my dogs alone at home, i prefer that over anyone's company.

[@secretivescorpio891]

Good for you. I'm somewhat envious. All I can manage is shared accommodation and no pets are allowed. I would love to have a dog.

[@mbsheisey]

So do I. My mother was a covert narcissist. My wonderful husband passed away 15 years ago and I still live alone. He was the only support system I ever had. I still live alone and absolutely LOVE it!

[@Debra-k1f]

​​@@mbsheiseyI'm in the same situation, basically. It's been 2 years since my husband passed .....but 3+since he lived in the house. He was in Craig Hospital for a TBI and a broken neck. My house flooded, and 1 yr. months in a hotel has been really hard. They have done welfare checks, if they don't see you every 3 days. They walked in my room while I was in my robe crying. It was embarrassing. My husband was my only support system as well. I had a few friends, but I have cut a few out recently. I was close to my brother, he committed suicide right before my husband's accident. She was in a position to help him, but she didn't. My niece committed suicide 3 months later @ 17. I miss my husband terribly.

[@kahe9662]

​@@mbsheisey i love my privacy when i can get it I'm surrounded by things happening family birthdays, holidays I'm so exhausted and drained but i don't complain because i love the family relations that include me in their get togethers, a small price to pay to enjoy their company.

[@marysmeby5577]

ME 2 - I get you!

[@Daydreamer-o1m]

I love being alone. I'm comfortable and happy with myself whereas i feel exhausted when i'm around others

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

So do I, and I can't stand being in rooms full of people; I find it overwhelming.

[@nancylowe2692]

Me, too. I don't have many friends & I miss that sometimes, but I'm usually content with just being alone.

[@PrettyEyesz]

Wow this is the best way I've seen this be described because it's so true.

[@joekavanagh7171]

Me too.

[@mfjdv2020]

@arleneevans well said, me too. Being around others is very stressful for me.

[@Shell-w5j]

Best to have one good friend who really has your back, than 100 acquaintances faking friendships.

[@lindaswanson9328]

I will be 60 soon. My circle of friends is getting smaller all the time. That's how I chose it to be. For good reason. It took 1 major event in my life, and many of the people I thought were my friends turned out to be trash that took themselves out. I live alone and can take care of most things people have to pay for. Being independent prior to my marriage and eventual divorce saved me. I will seek out people when I need contact. I am my own best friend and comfortable being alone. I actually prefer it.

[@michaelclark4043]

Garbage ìn. Garbage out. That's how I feel about many of the acquaintances who came and went in and out of my life over the years. 😢😮😢😮

[@anthonyeaton5153]

You will be lucky if you have five good friends in your life. The rest are acquaintances.

[@amberfuchs398]

When I'm alone and someone comes into my space it feels like I was caught "being" or "existing". It feels like I'm about to be attacked, punished, berated, etc.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Yes I feel like that as well!

[@hopefulhappiness4457]

My partner comes from a difficult family system and expressed this to me once. Prior to him explaining how he felt, I’d sometimes suspect he might be doing something nefarious based on his reaction of startle and shame when I walked into the room unexpectedly sometimes. Turns out he was just punished and criticized for being a kid/person for so long.

[@skankskunk-o8m]

My heartrate spikes. Also, the sound of a vacuum cleaner makes me *VERY* tense. PS: NPD mother was extremely violent.

[@mysticat7652]

Thank you for expressing this. ❤ I have felt the same way all through life. I just didn't know how to put it into words. 😢

[@gailmorgan2556]

Omg I transferred to another location at my job and my new female boss has npd. My parents had different manifestation of dysfunction, my mom codependent but also had some warmth. This women is giving me ptsd. It's like when she approaches I feel I'm doing something wrong by existing. So critical, so negative, you would think I was awful. I always get stellar reviews. We work like dogs in healthcare while she lollygags and then she complains were not fast enough while training! I feel so bad for her kids and it reminds me she's the mother. !! My dad was the problem I shudder to think of having such a cold mean mother. When she comes out of her office I thought today oh no the dragon 🐉 is emerging from it's lair. 😬 I'm working on my escape plan asap. So sad to be reminded these people exist and they're somebody's mother! 😳

[@deneseroberts3308]

I think being very independent is a sign too. You learn to solve your own problems.

[@KD-rs6xx]

and that is POSITIVE imho

[@hellokitty19824321]

I’m tired of being a matriarch

[@MrElapid]

I can't trust my problems with another. I'll just assume they'll take advantage. Only one exception. My wife. She's gone now.

[@optimoprimo132]

I think that falls under the, “not asking for help.”

[@updownstate]

When I was married we definitely had a problem with problems. I was so accustomed to making all my decisions and plans, working by myself, it was a habit that I never got over. My husband apparently didn't feel valued or appreciated so he dumped me for a psychiatric nurse. (Yes that's funny.)

[@mcawesomest1]

Being Alone is so comforting and safe.

[@lynetteowens946]

No-one remember's the good thing's I've done, but they all remember my faults

[@wolke1955]

I know how bad and sad it feels 😢

[@MarionN-w3d]

They pick, pick, pick. ". For our own good " of course. Their excuse "to have a go ".

[@KarlaEmmerson]

They also don’t remember anything bad that happened, completely memory swiped. Im left remembering all alone

[@stevemiller1517]

Right, a million atta. BOYS BUT 1 AAH S$^&T WIPES THE BOARD CLEAN.

[@AllThingsConsidered333]

Same. Even now as I carry heavy burdens dealing with a hard life for my daughter and I.. they don’t see how I do keep up with everything - work, chronic illness for both of us, many apts, her upcoming big surgery and all that entails, and so much more.. but no., bcs my house isn’t up to someone else’s standards… it’s just judgment.. Don’t want to hear any about what I’m dealing with but they can tell me about another family member who is going thru some tough stuff but they don’t have the chronic illness nor are they a single mom trying to keep it all going.. Ugh. Family can really suck 😣

[@katkar369]

“Oversharing to the wrong people and undersharing to the right people.” Realized that a few years ago. I’m 60 and still do it sometimes but aware of it.

[@wolke1955]

Same

[@Debra-k1f]

Same! I'm aware now too. I have been struggling with this .

[@nathanielovaughn2145]

I wish I could say you are alone, but that would be a lie.

[@carolfox9620]

I still do this (66 years old) and it still gets me into trouble. Of course I'm still exposing my heart to scorpions, even when I should know better. It's such a long learning curve.

[@CarolynMCash]

One of my biggest mistakes. Then someone at my church accused me of 'attention-seeking' when I was looking for empathy and support.

[@iwthswlosl]

I’m 72 and have no friends now and never have even at school, when I was at school I used to hide in the toilets during break time because I felt embarrassed sitting around by myself, I spend a lot of time going for walks and sitting in coffee shops by myself I’m quite happy doing this as it’s all I’ve ever known.

[@cherylbogdan5044]

@@iwthswlosl well, now you have an online friend ❤️

[@cherielloyd2640]

This is me. Did exact same thing as I was always the target or it was so embarrassing to be alone when everyone had a friend but me

[@CharmaineP-zq5xl]

You have a friend in me ❤🙂

[@garymahon1955]

Wow! I did the same things in grade school. Still have fear of people too much, and have older siblings set on keeping me feeling guilty and its killing me, m 70, alone, have no close friends.

[@bf6048]

I’m so sorry ❤️Jesus loves you.

[@ThatoneLisa]

I have two more to add: always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness and moods. I grew up surrounded by narcissists. Both of my parents. My three older siblings.

[@adrianalondon]

Same here 😢

[@bernadette573]

Yes, same, had the three older sibs who were the only ones who would ever get to matter.

[@ThatoneLisa]

@@bernadette573 I completely relate. Me and my siblings could all make the same mistake, and I would be the only one called out for it. And nothing I did right was ever seen as good enough.

[@JennEllenA]

Yes, yes, yes - Feeling on edge. Waiting for that other shoe to drop and also the overemphasis on, sometimes total, of Others happiness; Always, if others get upset have to fix it ‐ then become a "weirdo", deemed selfish, because needed So much alone time & sleep! Thank God it's now time to heal.

[@quantumnature514]

​@ThatoneLisa I'm the scapegoat too.

[@SoulSeeker2025]

Symptoms of NPD abuse: 😢Smile your way through hell 😢Loneliness, isolation, lack of lasting relationships 😢startled by everything (ptsd response) 😢changing your behavior when someone enters the room 😢feeling overwhelming guilt and shame in normal life (job eval - you feel waves of shame) 😢overshare or secretive 😢struggle with authority 😢seeing good families and wanting that 😢regressing w parents 😢we don't know ourselves (our thoughts,feelings,preferences) ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@skankskunk-o8m]

Too relatable!

[@passinthru4788]

Appreciate you!

[@joannearmoogam4356]

The last one on the list hits home the most. I have asked counsellors since my early twenties to help me understand who I am, how I feel what I want. I haven’t found the right support with this yet and now that I am in my mid 50s I am losing hope. How can I still be so clueless and feel like a child yet I am a mature adult who should know who I am at this juncture in my life. I appreciate the existential experience but it is not enough to just know things weren’t okay in my childhood and beyond. Now what? I can start by listening to the free seminars I suppose. Thank you for moffering access to these for free 😊

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Soul Seeker- thanks for the list.

[@devilsoffspring5519]

Struggle with authority has nothing to do with NPD abuse though. Authority figures are often antisocial pricks.

[@mileswinslow7553]

When my mother died I felt no remorse, almost relieved.

[@sallygomez8799]

You're not alone

[@ericlessard5021]

I think that s a very good sign lol

[@T-rick]

My mom has done irreparable damage to me and my father.

[@azgirlatheart]

I know that will be me when my mother passes. I went no contact 4 yrs ago and I don’t miss her at all.

[@gwugluud]

Exactly. My worst blood enemy was gone. Seeing her in a casket helpless and powerless, instead of reigning over the universe for once, I hate to say it, but I had to stifle a laugh. I left that funeral a freer man.

[@Ursaminor31]

I was locked in my room for hours nearly each day for reasons I will never know. There was a chain On the outside from age of two. I was told all kinds of lies. I shut down and focused on academemics as my escape plan form about the age of five, until I handed in my thesis and was on a plane never to return. I made it. Took another 20:yrs to undo all the knots and find self love

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

They were such fxxx ing bullies-. Parents

[@SWS1493]

That is horrendous!! I am so sorry you went through that! I am convinced that half the people on the planet should not be parents. 🙏🙏

[@Marie-ts8rp]

🌈💖🌿

[@MiRiAmetje]

❤

[@inspired1114]

You are amazing, well done 🎉❤

[@cfjohnson7369]

My mantra as a kid "Things can go wrong at any time! Be aware!"

[@SibyllaCumana]

I can relate but it's so sad and may hold us back

[@saythankyou111]

Mine was if I do this now they’ll love me…..😵‍💫

[@skankskunk-o8m]

"The NPD mother is about to lose her shit (always over something very minor) flee! Hide!"

[@dragondancer1814]

That’s like my Rule #13: When things are looking up, it means trouble is waiting around the corner!

[@ValSMITH-it4lg]

Being hypervigilant and monitoring my siblings' behavior so as to keep them off my father's radar. It was a way of trying to control the only variable that was in my power to exert some control over that might prevent a blow up of my father.

[@louisehans9771]

I started to cry listening to you. Finally, someone who gets it. I am 69.

[@brendaharper5729]

You are not alone. I am 68 & only realized that I was raised by a narcissistic mother when I was 60. Life has been stressful and full of trauma. 🙏

[@nataliewarner1723]

I relate and I am 65….😢😢😢

[@rebekahsteeper]

🤗

[@BlestinTexas24]

I awakened to the narcissist in my life with I was 68. It was. relief to be honest.

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

He kind of gets it. But he's also selling a product. The idea that it can be fixed? NOt always true. Not for me. And then I remember, duh....stupididiotme...who is telling me this? A hu-MAN. So do we...believe his hu-MAN? No.

[@VampyressVA]

Hypervigilance, false self, people pleasing, isolation, guilt/shame - you've summed up my life so far

[@jerrywise]

That’s a lot to carry! Acknowledging it is a strong step forward. I recommend joining my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027

[@lynneroberts3628]

Yes

[@garymahon1955]

Me too, 70 yo loner man

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

Me too...except by adopting my own program, sure I isolate, sure hypervigilance but no people pleasing (see isolation) guilt/shame? NO....just anger. And what is my 3 step program? Step 1: Isolate completely. Step 2: Replace sad/shame/guilt with anger/anger/anger. STep 3: Copious amounts of drugs...not the fake drugs the Rx drugs...real drugs.

[@prben2]

Definitely hypervigilance, also hypertension, panic attacks and social anxiety disorder, a deep mistrust of people in general, submissive behaviour around authority figures and feeling guilt and that you're self indulgent when you treat yourself to something expensive in a shop.

[@rachael8867]

My husband gets mad at me for loving my alone time so much. Being alone doesn't bother me. I don't have to deal with any one else's emotions or possibly do anything wrong on accident. Having friends is a waste of time. Every single one I've had always hurts me in the end so I'm okay not having a bunch of friends.

[@Laney_75]

I feel that way too. Hugs.

[@rachael8867]

@@Laney_75 Hugs to you also 🌻

[@MiRiAmetje]

❤

[@ChandChandramukhi]

I had 4 friends who dropped me and accused me of things that i never did. Then this year i made a new friend, but she started to treat me badly, despising my easy job, making fun of my slow pace, making fun of my feelings for my cats. I think people are triggered by my kindness, politeness, and tolerance. Is it possible?

[@MiRiAmetje]

@@ChandChandramukhi Absolutely, they just want to attack you and give you a bad feeling about yourself, because you are friendly and they are not and they are mostly very insecure, unhappy people. Just stay away from those people as far as you can, for your own benefit. ❤️

[@TheNinnyfee]

Another sign: you exhaust yourself for others while they don't even thank/acknowledge you. Stay away from people who don't acknowledge your effort and don't care how much it takes you. That might even consist of saying, "You have done enough for me here." when you do too much to keep them. People that just take and never see you as a person aren't healthy. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

[@user-ho3oe2qi6t]

I don’t even realise it 😢

[@johnlilly8519]

Oh my god. I relate to this so much.

[@jds6964]

These signs are spot on for me. I have a narcissistic mother. I am 60 years old and only recently did I figure this out.

[@julied.9528]

same. It's like a sad, yet strong club. :)

[@elizagoodytwoshoes9140]

I’m not so young either and went no contact 7 years ago with my family of origin. My eyes were opened and the stuff I thought was normal I seen clearly was not. Hey at least we have seen some die with the lie.

[@KK2squared]

54 years old. You’re not alone.

[@christinerobertson9596]

I figured it out in her last years when I thought she would show some love, but the venom came out instead.

[@deBRANNETreu]

@@christinerobertson9596always way worse at the end I’ve been listening to hospice nurses on KZbin talk about that. A narcissistic person flares towards the end!

[@davidhimmelsbach557]

Those tics sure are familiar. Another item: avoiding confrontation -- pretty much across the board. Even demanding a raise is traumatic.

[@patormsby9441]

Confrontation--exactly! I made a pledge to confront a bureaucrat as part of my activism last spring. Months later, the memory of the bureaucrat, who doubtlessly forgot all about me in 5 minutes, still causes my stomach to clench.

[@JennEllenA]

Yes, asking for a raise was time & again extremely difficult - I even got counciling to coach on how to properly negotiate- still something avoid

[@katieb2098]

My mother was extremely violent, when people get angry I have a bodily reaction like I become tachycardic my body is getting ready to be attacked but it doesn't happen, but I still react to confrontation like they are going.to try to kill me it's scary, I can't deal with angry people as an adult

[@Lunasinclair92]

Or asking for time off to go to a doctor

[@carolfox9620]

I'm retired now and never once asked for a raise.

[@Butterb0ne]

Some of us have no idea what love from a parent feels like. What's worse is the confusion we feel when we see someone else devastated by the loss of a parent.

[@tracymark9173]

OH WOW. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER HEAR SOMEONE ELSE SAY THAT. NO ONE UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY I CAN'T RELATE TO THE LOSS OTHERS FEEL WHEN THEY LOOSE A PARENT. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

[@seamuscook1700]

I have the same issue. I try try to sympathetic but I truly don't understand why they are grieving. I can't even imagine loving a parent.

[@orbis17]

my mum and sister both passed away and my dad is a covert narc.... it's a really strange feeling both at the same time 😭

[@MyrnaWeiner-z2v]

@@seamuscook1700

[@finster1968]

Yes!! For me, it’s not really confusion when someone grieves over a parent. It’s a bit of misplaced anger or jealousy. I do control it though and try to show empathy. Especially if it’s a friend. Whenever I see a stranger post about their deceased father who was “their rock”, it triggers me into eye rolling resentment and I know it shouldn’t. I hate that term “my rock”. Because I simply can’t relate to anyone being there for me unconditionally. Especially my own father. He was the most self-centered person I’ve ever met and he hated me.

[@anniesmith8552]

Startled by the smallest noise, their footsteps actually said when they were angry and were about to transfer their aggression.

[@TheSapphireLeo]

How we felt with ALL the neighbo(u)rs?

[@omarazami7377]

Exactly.

[@clawdabove1941]

I had to move out of a beautiful apartment because I could hear the neighbour upstairs walking around. It reminded me too much of my mother angrily marching around the house when I was a small child. I could never relax.

[@bereal6590]

Same here. My father had this thing about noise (specifically if I made a noise he didn't like). One particular incident I was sat on the sofa next to my mother and he acvused me of slamming a door (I had not, I was outside just before and shut my rabbits cage door), he started to pound his fists on my thighs trying to get me to admit it. As admit kid he would say he was going to sleep in the day because he was tired (in the living room) so I'd have to creep around him and not talk. It was miserable.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

My mother was a morbidly obese woman and was constantly angrily stomping around, making the house shake. Many years later, I live with my big/tall husband in an old house with the original wood floors. Just the sound of heavy footfalls as he innocently walks to another room is enough to make me tense up. After alllllll these years, I still have to remind myself that the sound and vibrations are not a threat.

[@cynthiaalver]

Fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing,NOT doing what's expected of you, making mistakes. Fear every minute of every day of every year of my child, teen, young adult, college age years, early workforce years. Still happens although less frequently.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Fear is huge for me

[@jryland6]

I GET CAUGHT IN A CONVERSATION & FREEZE UP.

[@maryyoung4046]

me then and now

[@cleo5050]

That’s it exactly. You can’t trust people or the world because the ones who were supposed to care for you, didn’t. You learn to prepare for something bad to happen. You learn fear as self protection.

[@mfjdv2020]

@@cleo5050 In fact, you don't even dare to feel happy. If you do, some terrible thunderbolt (metaphorically speaking) is sure to strike you for being so presumptuous.

[@hillarywilkins7395]

Being so afraid of criticism you never even try to reach your potential. My parent never gave any praise - only criticism -i was the odd one out in my family or I felt I was - the 2nd youngest of 5 I never had a hug or a kind supportive word from either parent. Did they love me, were they proud - I’ll never know. I feel sad for the little girl who was only seeking love & support but got none.

[@hlogan5097]

I’m so sorry Hillary. They were such fools to disregard and disrespect you like that.

[@melissahoffman9433]

The only times I can remember feeling envious was of my friends homes. Not the physical home but the love, protection and guidance part.

[@Mmax389]

My whole life has been filled with guilt, shame, blame, humiliation, betrayal, condemnation. I totally expect to not be liked or respected. I feel like I’m just a bad person. When I was 7 years old I already thought I would be in jail as an adult because I was a bad person and that’s what happened to bad people, right? I was convinced. I’m 70 now and still feel alone and battle all these feelings.

[@barbarabradley3765]

Me too. 74 here.

[@maryblocker1092]

​@@barbarabradley3765Me too and i'm 73.

[@robertburkhardt3506]

@@barbarabradley3765 may God bless you both and heal your wounds. my phyical wounds healed, but the memories just live on. seems that they won't die until I do.

[@barbarabradley3765]

@ thank you for your kindness. It seems the memories remain but the understanding deepens. The emotional pain gets better. Peace

[@angryanne]

You sound like a Catholic! 😊

[@sillylilysallykaye4917]

Ive had 1 best friend, 1 husband. I am 62 & hearing all this for the first time today after discovering moms journal & reading what a disappointment I was, while cleaning out for an estate sale. I could just cry. Ive just watched 5 of this mans videos and realized my mom was a narc. Always blamed my daddy for everything wrong in her life. Im so sad.

[@BlestinTexas24]

You will get through the grief dear one and you will be stronger for it. Those were her problems and nothing to do with you. I have learned these in my relationship with my brother.

[@KatArt11]

Having an indifferent mother living in the same apartment with me but completely unavailable, unapproachable, and invisible, was the most painful, hurtful, debilitating feeling imaginable.

[@pamelawoodall5891]

Same for me.

[@jessebaldwin2661]

Same for me except it was my father.

[@anne-maridewet2703]

Dad for me😢

[@princesscarlet1]

Mother and 'husband' - soon to be ex

[@kathryncarlino]

Same for me. Cold as ice. I learned to cook at age 6, and searched desperately for alternative motherly role models. My Dad was a saint….Mr Mom (out of necessity) way before it was ever acceptable or popular. I kept trying to approach her to connect, but was always rebuffed, totally ignored. Sometimes she would respond by hurling accusations and insults. She never liked me. But that was because she never liked herself. I’m just sad for her now. What a waste of a life. She missed out on so much, including grandchildren and now great grandchildren. 😢

[@alaia-awakened]

The main pain point is the idea that my existence is unwanted by my “creators”. And there’s no way to fight or change yourself in order to “earn your right to exist”. I notice that people who don’t carry this primal trauma have no way of understanding how it influences absolutely everything.

[@quran_wrh]

Your true creator did intend your existence, which supercedes your parents' harmful view

[@andreapeters981]

Right there with you. I realize this week I was the non person. Didn't know I existed untill 4 months pregnant. Was 7 months pregnant at my 1st birthday and I'm #4 of 6. Just a house or sex slave. Didn't notice that I needed a bra until I was size B, 10 or 11 maybe? So trauma at conception. Yea for us!

[@andreapeters981]

​@@quran_wrhso in your world I was supposed to be born to such bad parents? That I was supposed to endure 5 years of sexual abuse starting at 8? Where was God???????

[@quran_wrh]

@@andreapeters981 🙏And We will set up the balances of equity for the Day of Resurrection, so no soul will be wronged in anything; and though it be the weight of a mustard seed, We will bring it. And sufficient are We as account-takers. (Quran 21/47) And when My servants ask you concerning Me: I am near. I respond to the call of the caller when he calls to Me. So let them respond to Me, and let them believe in Me, that they might be guided. (Quran 2/186)

[@dennism8346]

Yes. Recognizing, understanding, and accepting that the conception was not completely wanted by both is a tall mountain for the progeny to climb. The tell is the parents don't see or hear the child.

[@green-zone36]

I was in the hospital when i was 6. I wanted to stay there. It was one of the best times in my life. I remember it to this day. I didn’t want any visitors, when family came, it was not pleasant for me. I just wanted to be there. The nurses were so nice. I had nothing to worry about. That was a great adventure in my childhood.

[@maryjohammons8905]

I’m sorry. darling

[@green-zone36]

@@maryjohammons8905 yes that is the opposite of a child who has a good life at home. That was a long time ago. Back then people said nothing and let things happen. People knew. Said nothing. Felt bad for me but that didn't help me. I am fine now. I am free with fond memories of the hospital.

[@maryjohammons8905]

@ Blessings on you, dear one!

[@indrekkpringi]

Of course: That was because the nurses actually cared about you and your family didn't.

[@maryjohammons8905]

@ 😢

[@ericb8413]

Guilt and shame is the worst. What a horrible legacy to leave your children. 😧

[@sandrapicton8961]

I was in my 20's when I realised just how deeply ashamed of myself I was, always comparing myself unfavourably to others.

[@winterborne6713]

Yes. That too. Really unfortunate. 😢

[@noracoyle4988]

I was left with chronic lifelong insomnia due to childhood trauma.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Its a terrible legacy to inherit. An inter-generational transference of these toxic traits. The cowardly, emotionally immature narcissistic parent chooses the scapegoat child to dump them on, the sacrificial lamb, selfishly chosen to carry these heavy burdens, for no other reason than having been born, a convenient trash-can to dump their trauma to avoid feeling it in themselves and taking responsibility for it, healing it. The narcissistic parent refuses to acknowledge the sovereign rights of this child, instead only seeing them as an extension of themselves, something they own, something they have the right to do whatever they like with, without conscience or consideration. "How dare you have something to say about how you have been treated, you wouldnt even exist without me, you owe me your life you ungrateful little shit. I feed you, clothe you, give you a place to live, and this is how you repay me?" This is the underlying attitude of the abusiveness. This is why they have no guilt or remorse and why it continues well into adulthood, and would continue until the day they die (and echoes long after) if you allow it. Go no contact as early as possible, save yourself, preserve your dignity and start to heal with self-love, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness. Gain perspective on what has been done to you, what you have endured, what you have been made to feel about yourself.

[@noracoyle4988]

@@HeartFeltGesture a great essay and every word so true.

[@user-crpsdiaries]

Fear of authority Low self esteem Ocd Perfectionist Anti social Agoraphobia Extreme independence (Can't ask for help) Can't say no... Flash backs Nightmares SO many things...

[@maryyoung4046]

me too plus I hate asking for help though I had to in October as I kept getting lost at the airport terminals. the trip was compulsory or I wouldn't have gone.

[@dansweet5654]

I could not express any feelings. Always told to shut up. Any attempt to improve myself to grow, I was told that I was selfish. I was told to never to ask for help. Figure it out yourself. Fourth and Fifth grade were horrible. My Grandfather died,and my sister was born. Poor grades. Parents and teachers told me I was slow. Not smart. Austrazised by fellow students, frustrated parents. I hated school and the people I went to school with. I am still a surviver and overcomer at 64. I prefer to be alone. I hate crowds and resist group think. Christ is at my side.

[@countryblends]

So relatable

[@reycataal8033]

Add: Difficulty in Decision Making

[@briankelly85]

I had no friends in high school. I have no idea what the cafeteria, gymnasium or auditorium even looks like. I spent most of my time looking for places to hide, smoking cigarettes and reading magazines. when I was in a classroom, I could feel the feelings and emotions of all 20 people. it was exhausting. I never graduated. never went to prom. or a reunion. but I am truly at peace with the situation.

[@McCready12]

Sorry you went through that. I hope you are well now.

[@briankelly85]

@@McCready12 I am. thank you for asking.

[@marisamartin3664]

I've found it was healing to go to reunions. Especially as we get older most people are just happy their old classmates are still here.

[@cherylbogdan5044]

By the time I was 11 my moto was "damned if you do and damned if you don't".

[@juliaconnell]

me too - absolutely that motto - 'dammed if I do, dammed if I don't' - just said it recently to my oldest sister earlier this month (she's still angry with me for something _she_ and another sister did to me earlier this year)

[@asesetervoll6035]

❤

[@markuskruger2102]

You cant do anything right.....

[@eskoelmwood5936]

No good deed goes unpunished

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

At 10 I wanted to stay in a coffin; because when you're there people forget you.

[@cynthianoel6220]

I had an extremely damaging childhood. I came from a very toxic family. I am a soon to be 61 year old woman and still have issues today from it. I have removed myself from my 3 brother's lifes that are extreme alcoholics and my father was a very abusive alcoholic. I had 2 failed marriages and love being alone. I suffer from Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. I was bullied my entire life from kindergarten on up from individuals. I trust no one.

[@desilanni2]

I don't trust anyone either.

[@paulacol2142]

I​@@desilanni2 I only trust my dog

[@Forest-qd3ft]

I cannot trust anyone.

[@musicmamma]

I trust nobody, either!!

[@matthewschmitt1989]

Me too!!!

[@howard5992]

A few more - 1) usually feeling trapped, unable to find a path 2) afraid to make decisions, a lack of self trust 3) being uncomfortable seeing your own face in a mirror, feeling inadequate 4) believing we must do it alone (which is challenging when we lack confidence) 5) not believing our own needs matter, settling for less, afraid to aspire 6) hoping things will be better one day, but not working to make it happen (can't form a plan) These come from a lack of encouragement, when parents don't offer support and when the parents themselves feel inadequate, guilty, adrift, or trapped in a bad situation and are passive. Most young people feel some of these at times but if one or both parent is an alcoholic, isn't or can't work, and/ or suffers from constant economic worry then these attitudes can become deep and persistent.

[@ploppy193]

also, being a 'people pleaser'.

[@Ancutza-vie]

You hit the nail on the head

[@johnlilly8519]

This video and these comments have been so eye-opening. Someone is finally articulating what I've been unable to my entire life.

[@Ursaminor31]

I didn’t know I was highly masking highly functioning anxiety and cptsd. Criticism would jolt my heart and I would begin to silently panic, sweat and want to flee

[@carolfox9620]

I used to get furious when people said 'doesn't take criticism well'. Why would a person who was criticized constantly take it well?

[@susanmercurio1060]

"protecting the parent-child relationship" in an abusive family is protecting the parent from the consequences

[@val_nightlily]

🎯

[@jbuntine1255]

Being the enabaler, my parents would label The problem child Never Parents that are the problem.

[@LisaFenton-h7f]

Damn. This is a truth I wish I'd heard DECADES ago.

[@qq84]

Yes, it's a problem that he supports the "reunification"-lie.

[@Harryjmacneil]

Hi, Addiction. For me, I started using at the age of 13. I used for 47 years to numb things out. I got and stayed clean at the age of 60. NA and AA saved my life. Thank you for your insight! ♥️

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

I've never had that issue...ok, sure I'm 59 and use about 3 illicit substances daily but? Not addicted. Why is adderall "safe and effective" and meth "illegal"? So if you have sufficient knowledge you can use but not abuse. Works for me!

[@brendarolph-teisan4085]

❤❤❤

[@Harryjmacneil]

Ya, right!

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

@@Harryjmacneil Hey, 60% of the time? It works every time. Hold on a sec...(so 'every' means 100% i.e. a probability of 1, multiply by .6, carry the 5, the square root of the hypotenuse, take the derivative...) Ah crap.

[@ronmills6244]

Number 10 was the beginning of my knowing that something was terribly wrong in the household I grew up in. After I moved away from home and saw others parent/child relationships, my eyes started to see all the damage that was done. All the other signs I experienced as well. My heart goes out to anyone that had to live through this.

[@Onemoretime-qu6sf]

Same here. My mother used to isolate me from friend's and their family. It shocked me to see what a "normal' family looked liked and functioned. I didn't realize how effed up my parents were and how they treated us was not 'normal".

[@barbaralynch3015]

Thank God my friend's parents treated me like a normal kid - they knew what I dealt with in my family. They are long gone, but when I pass, I want to see them again up there, and thank them!!@

[@mariarajn8574]

So you work it out later in your 70,s what do you do with it - there is anger then again a different personality would rebel so is it also my fault?

[@secretivescorpio891]

Caring for myself is really difficult. Sleep and diet are woeful. Exhaustion, depression, self loathing and the harshest inner critic. Perfect storm for a downward spiral

[@kellyland173]

Ditto!

[@jeweljohnson8774]

I relate.

[@noracoyle4988]

Oh I hear you.

[@ellenw8494]

I hope you will NOT go into a downward spiral; is there a good and compassionate therapist nearby who can help you build habits of self-care and of positive regard for yourself instead of hatred? I think you deserve it.

[@mfjdv2020]

@secretivescorpio891: Self-loathing! Absolutely spot on!! Also: self-disgust, self-condemnation and self-contempt. You should hear me shout abuse at myself when I do something like drop a glass on the floor! 'CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT YOU BLOODY CRETIN?!?' Sometimes I even used to slap my own face, but I've broken that habit in the meantime.

[@radiohobbyist13]

You learn to the see value in not having relationships with people because pain and drama comes from other people. Peace and quiet are a top priority.

[@SibyllaCumana]

That feeling of deep loneliness is what I have tried to escape my whole life. Having happy relationships seems like a dream. And yes, oversharing... paid dearly for my naivety! But I've hopefully learnt

[@Sundaylamb3]

right but when you are with a great person you feel like you arent quite good or fitting in somehow right?

[@SibyllaCumana]

​​​@@Sundaylamb3Always felt I wasn't good enough. But am learning that nobody is perfect. I just wish I could get rid of self sabotaging, it's better nowadays but am not sure how I'd behave with a great person. Like to think I'd feel an equal - finally. Guess most of us struggle with self-worth, hopefully we'll be able to recover with this new-found knowledge ❤

[@kalima7446]

@@SibyllaCumana I also wish to overcome self sabotaging. With exercises to act out in a healthy way decades long suppressed anger and disgust (two emotions that rise up during boundary crossings that weren't safe for us to express towards our "care" givers) and exercises to increase capacity (orienting for example) I hope things will change (better self awareness, -esteem). My goal is to feel safe, secure under people, no more childlike behavior so they see I am no threat and so on. Hate being a narc magnet with these behaviors. "Anger As Medicine: How to Cure Self-Sabotaging Behaviours" by Irene Lyon

[@SibyllaCumana]

​@@kalima7446 Thank you, I'll look into it❤ I was a narc magnet as well 😢Hopefully not anymore!

[@kalima7446]

@@SibyllaCumana I seem to keep attracting them but that's not true. I just dismantle them very soon because I am unable to meet their expectations from the very first attempt they try to cross my boundaries. A "No" (that I say) is for them an invitation to try to make me say Yes and the more disempowered I feel the higher the chance that I say Yes even though I make myself sick when I do what they want from me. Self hate, "I, my intuition, knew it, that it's not good for me, why did I say Yes" - another opportunity for me to exercise empathy for myself. Sometimes I am just curious and want to take opportunities to see if I can stay present, if my exercises show effect or if I still need more practice. Yes, still need more. I dissociated (shutdown freeze response) last time due to an emotional flashback (highly triggering "social worker" that acted just like my mother. I'm the boss, you're nothing!). That's ok. I know we can make it, let the past behind us and make the best out of all we experienced and endured. Maybe we write a book, volunteer and make great experienced Zen-like teachers (I want to become a Laughter Yoga teacher).

[@lindan2488]

I am 75 and only started when I was 73 to understand why I was so messed up all those years.After a little counseling.Finally feel good about myself but it's been a long journey.

[@aperry4313]

That is a long journey - so glad you are thriving now

[@LimitlessThinker]

So true!

[@themysteriousdomainmoviepalace]

I love parents don't bother to get to know you, but slap a label on you and relate to the label instead of you as a person. And the label crystallizes so in their eyes, you can never change.

[@elizabethtowers3321]

Spot on. No mistakes allowed and if there were, it felt like the world was going to end, even with the smallest mistake. This is in the past now

[@joseenoel8093]

Yup and there's nothing in their brains but looking to criticize, what horrible lives!

[@janiced.hatcher1272]

100 thumbs up 👍

[@patormsby9441]

It was clarified to me at age three (a good chance my father was drunk--but I didn't know what that was) that any mistake I made was because I wasn't thinking enough and that the damage would be permanent. It wasn't until recently with "Wise" advice that I trotted that notion back out for reexamination. I'm still dealing with paralysis on important tasks--If I don't think enough, I'm sure I'll do it all wrong!

[@Vixinaful]

Yeah, I remember my mom freaking out over me having a flat tire on my bike. She went hysterical mode over the smallest thing, laying on the floor pounding with her fists and feet like a toddler while screaming. Grandpa called them "fits"

[@janiced.hatcher1272]

@Vixinaful that was like a punch in the face without having to physically punch you in the face. We all are their punching bag

[@drsarita-questioneverythin3194]

Smiling your way through Hell …so spot on…thank you Jerry

[@connie9492]

EXISTING THRU HELL MORE LIKE IT!

[@mariajmc6557]

also insane sense of humour in hell like situations....

[@ReneeLibby-cv8vf]

and joking. I am very good at writing jokes and being "funny"

[@sharonnewman1474]

Acting like you are fine, when you aren’t, not taking time to acknowledge your own feelings and get the help you need.

[@drsarita-questioneverythin3194]

This self deprecating humor was needed so I wouldn’t be a target 🎯 I remember in my 30s saying “I’ll put myself down before anyone can put me down “ and a friend saying “that’s sick “ it was sick …but to be put down was so painful and so frequent I would put myself down first …my accomplishments were not celebrated because my parents seemed somehow jealous and not truly happy for me …it was a no win situation

[@AndrewLaird-ok3sw]

I protected my children by never having any. I knew this from when i was eight. I'm now sixty years old. No second thoughts.

[@artphotognh]

I did the same thing! I knew human life was far too important to risk me subconsciously harming children because of my own scars & fears. Now that I'm retired, though, I'll be alone if my husband dies first & he has cancer. All my other relatives are dead.

[@LorettaRyden]

I’m 45. An accountant. A mother of two grown men. My mom still thinks she needs to parent me. It resulted in us no longer talking.

[@flamingsword777]

I'm so sorry. I too am a 45 year old mother of two grown men and a mom who thinks I am not capable of being an adult and able to live my own life and make my own decisions. This is why she lives in Georgia and I live in Nevada close to California

[@LorettaRyden]

@ That sounds perfect. My mom is in Texas and I’m in Minnesota!

[@flamingsword777]

@@LorettaRyden it's definitely for the best that there's distance. It's weird.... She doesn't think I'm capable, but yet will want me to parent her when she can't regulate herself. It's maddening as hell, that's for sure. Out of 5 kids (I'm the middle) I'm the only one she does this to.

[@LorettaRyden]

@@flamingsword777 It’s interesting how they pick the kids they will use as a scapegoat.

[@flamingsword777]

@@LorettaRyden yep and I am literally the only one of her kids that she's got that has a whole lot to do with her and I'm the one she took it all out on the most.

[@dameanvil]

- 00:36 🙂 Smiling through pain as a coping mechanism for tough childhood experiences - 01:04 🌑 Deep feelings of isolation and loneliness due to early programming - 02:06 💔 Difficulty maintaining healthy, lasting relationships from past trauma - 03:27 😨 Startling easily due to childhood intimidation or trauma - 04:42 😶 Changing behavior in response to others, revealing past discomfort - 05:09 😔 Feeling guilt or shame in normal situations, especially with authority figures - 06:13 🎭 Oscillating between oversharing or withholding due to unhealthy boundaries - 06:52 🧍‍♂️ Limited friend circle, potentially due to feelings of unworthiness - 07:45 👮 Struggles with authority, leading to extreme submission or rebellion - 08:22 🥺 Longing for the healthy parent-child relationships seen in others - 08:57 👶 Regressing into childlike roles around parents, even in adulthood - 10:11 🔍 Difficulty understanding one's true self due to suppressed identity formation

[@formerdungeonmaster1232]

You deserve more likes, had to scroll down way too far

[@lenovigusto3446]

I stumbled upon this comment when I was actively looking for such a list (to recheck that there are only 12, not 13, points in total) in the hopes of finding some good Samaritan who would've done this mundane yet quintessential task. Thank you for being that! @dameanvil

[@alexperkins8433]

THANK YOU :)

[@ll-cu9db]

I thought he only named 12.

[@fredbear72ify]

In my 80's and recognise so many of these feelings. It was hard as a child in a violent and volatile parents marriage. I felt totally isolated and lonely, to this day I still do. I was the childhood clown making people laugh felt good but so much sadness underneath the mask. Still the same today.

[@Pa-we1lw]

Me too, fredbear.

[@charlesaho8809]

Sounds familiar I’m 73 living alone. I worked my entire life and I never understood intimacy even being married for 20 years. Having God in my life is the only hope I’ve had because of my faith in his son Jesus Christ. Leaving this life behind and spending eternity with God doesn’t get any better than that.

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

Isolation for me has been wonderful. I'm never lonely because I realized long ago that no human could ever do anything positive for me. I don't miss hu-MANS any more than I miss acorn squash. I am free of both and if forced, I'd bring back the squash but never the hu-MANS.

[@peu1285]

I didn't realize how damaged I was until I was in my 50's - always needed to please, overcompensated with "leadership" qualities thereby became attractive to losers. Took a few years to regain/rebuild my true self and get rid of fake relationships especially enablers of narcissistic abuse by my mother (family, friends, pastors, etc). Finally, by the grace of God, I am slowly healing and at peace with only a handful of people in my life at 60.

[@ronnieitaquab1008]

Look at the bright side..I told people in my childhood how damaging my family life school life traveling was unhealthy and people blamed me instead

[@clawdabove1941]

Something that I have experienced, in addition to the fantasising about being a part of a fuctional family, is feeling pain when you see parents being attentive and affectionate towards their children. Witnessing that parental warmth hurts my heart and has caused me to well up in public.

Your experience of that specific kind of searing pain in the heart💔 How tears welling up feel like broken glass. I’ve had that experience

[@mikalyonsoneal9890]

You are loved and your life has great worth❤

[@Heterogeneity]

Yes. I've absolutely felt this. I learned to visualize myself as the child in my past and also my adult self as the parent in the present. When I get overwhelmed like that I try to mentally talk to myself like I imagine a loving parent would do. Sometimes giving myself a hug helps. It doesn't always work but it does sometimes.

[@jessicablack6473]

I felt that too, seeing my peers with loving parents. I never even had the opportunity to be with my father but I wanted to have a family and create that family. I am married now and I find a lof of healing in the way my daughter is being loved by her father, seeing her relishing it and growing confident.

[@clawdabove1941]

@jessicablack6473 that sounds beautiful. I'm glad you and your husband can give your daughter that love and support so she can grow up with self-confidence. You're a cycle breaker. 🫂

[@texaslovelylady]

The lack of good friends and close relationships has at times made me think I am the problem because I am the common denominator. But when one only knows how to relate with (more of a survival mentality) Narcissist then it's a difficult place to be. Dying inside to be the person you see yourself being and having the close relationships like everyone else. Being a military dependent didn't help either. Family secrets also so damaging.

[@peggyhoskin3]

Bullied at school affects you all your life especially when the teachers did nothing about it.

[@JoanMorrison-vq2jc]

Unfortunately, "kids can be cruel"! The school years are your formative years and the years that tend to mold us. If real problems aren't addressed quickly they tend to turn into "hang ups" and "issues" in our adult years. Take care. Good luck. Be safe. ❤🎉😊

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Or your parents and teachers engaged in victim-blaming. "Nobody is going to just walk up to you and hit you for no reason. You must have done something to make them mad. What did you do?" 😭

[@CarolynMCash]

And parents and siblings refusing to stick up for you or go in to bat for you when dealing with bullies.

[@alicewonder1687]

💯 I had a teacher who encouraged the kids to bully me. It still stays with me. I'm in my 60's.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

@@alicewonder1687 59 here, and oh yes. I've been surprised at the number of people my age and older who are still dealing with those issues. Wishing us all strength and healing!!

[@karlahemphill3414]

I would rather be alone with my dog than with anybody else. I can spend weeks alone, and it doesn't bother me at all. I can't stand noises that are constant. A fridge running, a car idling outside, etc.i came from a very violent childhood, so I used to try to be invisible or in my bedroom.

[@jessicakruger7]

Same here. And the noise, annoys my to another level. Even a fan, drives me insane..

[@Stf303tbber.ensba9]

My dog calms me my hero 😊

[@stephanieirvan1052]

I learned to make myself as small and quiet as possible and not draw attention to myself because to do so meant the possibility of getting beaten. We didn't call it child abuse because we didn't know there was any other way. My older sister got the worst of it. She grew up thinking that I didn't have it as bad as she did because I was "Daddy's girl". The truth is, I learned to observe constantly. ANYTHING that my sister got in trouble for was duly noted - "ok, I'm never doing THAT"! He didn't go easier on me because I was the favorite, I got beaten less because I tried to blend into the walls and be hyper vigilant about screwing up and doing everything I could to not get my father's attention. I was even nicknamed "mouse" because I was "quiet as a mouse", especially when my parents had friends over. Only in the last few years did I realize that being constantly told "what happens in this house stays in this house" meant that, obviously, some f'd up shii was going on. Not only that, but that my parents KNEW it was wrong. SMH.

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

Thank you. Same here. I'm 59 I've never felt a part of anything involving hu-MANS. Fur-babies have been it I literally see nobody at all...period! 8 years and going strong and is it "lonely"? Hell no! It's peaceful, it's safe...my doggies and kitties are fantastic I can trust them. hu-MANS are not to be trusted especially the god-pushers. THey are the worst. If there is a god entity then it can only be of the most malevolent unspeakable evil and I know this because of the sole downside of fur-babies. And having had to watch my kids die over and over? If there is a god and I ever meet it, there's going to be a god whose ass got brutally kicked, a wet god cuz I will urinate on it's prone body...and a smelly god cuz guess what else I'm doing to it before throwing it into hell, as god is the sole entity that deserves hell.

[@Deb1650]

I'd like to add one more sign: Always looking for approval.

[@graveyardghost2603]

I have always had trouble finding friends. However, I have a pen friend I've known for 20 years. We have a lot in common and he is my best and really only friend. Bc he lives in another country, we dont have physical contact but even having a true friend at arms length is better than no friend at all. Thank you for your invaluable insights Dr. Wise ❤

[@harriedsloth4399]

💙

[@dandoneral5405]

My parents conditioned me to believe that I was not welcome to participate, verbally, during any gathering with other people. My parents would talk about me, to others, making claims about my actions, intentions, goals, and aspirations while I was present, as though they were some kind of great authorities on me. I was supposed to shut up, and act as a mute while they talked about me. They seemed to have had an attitude that they somehow owned me, and that such ownership somehow gave them the right to claim that they were some sort of great experts on me. I believe that this ridiculous attitude that they had was part of the conditioning that caused me to grow up thinking that my words were not worthy to be spoken amongst others.

[@sickofcrap8992]

Yeah, the old, "Children should be seen and not heard" motto.

[@pandoraalberts5267]

Same here. We were belittled in front of adults, and if anyone visited we were sent to our rooms. We had no personal possessions because there was no privacy and our mother took everything she wanted. I'd come home from school and find she'd been going through my things. There were people she knew for years who never realized she had two daughters. We were seriously unwanted.

[@stasiacromie9584]

Too late for me. I’m too old.

[@nathanielovaughn2145]

You articulate beautifully and acutely. I hope you realized your ability to do so and that you have claimed your voice.

[@davidbuckwitz5408]

@@stasiacromie9584 Now that’s funny! Yeah, guess I’m too old also Stasiacromie. 76

[@marvelousministry9434]

To be loved for WHAT you do and NOT who you are. That is so TOXIC

[@cindylou3708]

I never realized just how bad my own childhood was until I had my own children. I have basically raised them by just always doing the opposite of whatever my parents did (ex., frequent moves = no moves, yelling = no yelling, do as I tell you = tell me about you, don't tell anyone = nothing to tell, etc. etc.) But your list for me is spot on.

[@carrietwickler3157]

I always did the exact opposite of what my parents did

[@myunknownland9272]

Me too. My mother tried to threaten my son, I caught her and told her she would never see us again if that happened again. She stopped.

[@sandrapicton8961]

Bless you for braking the pattern.

[@e-spy]

yes, but I realized that I also taught my kids to treat me like my parents had treated me. Working on that, but it is difficult for all of us and so we are on a break right now.

[@jomurphy1654]

Ditto!! Bravo to us!!

[@barbharrison4724]

I couldn't share anything with my mom. She disapproved of everything..my friends especially..unless they were from church. She Had to control every aspect of my life. I had to hide the most innocent things. For example, I had to hide under the covers after I went to bed at night, so that I could listen to my little radio. I love music, still to today, but she didn't like it, so I had to hide. Oh man, I could write a book. I walked out the door when I was 16, and I never went back.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Well done for holding on tight to listening to your music and then getting out. I hope you are now experiencing peace and health

[@tiffanyg9926]

This is my story!

[@barbharrison4724]

@melliecrann-gaoth4789 thank you. 🥀

[@stevestruthers6180]

My mother was similarly hyper-critical over the smallest and most inconsequential things. I remember, when I was 17, sitting in the family room, just minding my own business and watching a rock band called Rush performing on TV, she swooped up behind me and said, "Turn that off! It's kid stuff!" Meanwhile, she knew nothing about the band, nor that it was not only wildly popular with teenagers, but with young adults too and even some middle-aged people. My reading now of hyper-critical people is that they are often weak and insecure people who feel the need to overcriticize others as a defence mechanism.

[@mariajmc6557]

wise one be blessed....

[@kathyarmstrong8001]

My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and a lifelong alcoholic. Very violent. I had no dad because he left when I was 1. Thankfully my mother gave me to my grandparents. They were wonderful.

[@GrdmaKat2000]

Oh, you explained this so well, I fit each one. At 76, I just need to live the rest accepting it..been alone so many years, no one is left.

[@jomurphy1654]

Very sorry to hear that, congratulations though, on having survived such a very tough ride - you must be pretty strong!

[@barbarabradley3765]

I’m with you! All my friends have passed. At 74. I’ve been working on my childhood issues for ever it seems.

[@DaVinci368]

Same here

[@paulalane8638]

I'm 68 and only began understanding a few years ago how I came to make so many bad choices and have so many toxic relationships. Unfortunately, my husband is avoidant alcoholic and my mom was alcoholic. It helps getting understanding, but I am still living in toxic environment. Makes it difficult to heal. Worst is seeing others with their families and grands enjoying holidays. My daughter in law has nothing to do with me after 17 years of marriage to my only son!😢 My grands dont know me. I carry lots of deep hurt. My birth mother gave me up and rejected me when I found her. My half sister rejected me too. I don't trust anymore. Don't want to reach out either. People pleasing does not work.😢

[@GrdmaKat2000]

@@jomurphy1654 only by Gods grace and mercy.🫶🏻

[@robertvogel579]

I grew up with a monster, so i fear failure and displeasing others, it come with lots of pain. I struggled for years with feelings of inadequacy. I did go through a time that i couldn't keep a job because I felt guilt, shame and judgment constantly. I seek being solitude so i can never be judged or belittled. I can't stand anyone saying anything about what I'm doing [good or bad]. I'm 55 and went non contact 32yrs ago, and i still struggle with my reaction to perceived treats. I wish..........peace! I have no idea why I'm writing this, maybe its because i feel beyond help.

[@susannapavelkova1265]

I feel for you. If it helps, I can tell you that I am in my 70s and only in the last ten years have started my journey of trying to be the person I was meant to be. It's different for everyone, the timescale, the struggle. There's no absolute formula, but this podcast is such a help. Please believe you are not alone. ❤

[@mads597]

This is significantly helpful to me, so thank you for sharing your honest experience. I’m 29

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Dear 29 year old so glad upu are getting the right information now. ❤️‍🩹🌱

[@alicesamuels3937]

Hi, I’m 72 and would like to send you a hug. I also had a similar situation, very unwanted and neglected . I became a Christian and it changed my life. Now I have fellowship with trustworthy women who lift my spirits . I’m definitely wanted there , and I know God loves me .

[@antoniapana7131]

About criticism is beyond help. We have been attacked so many times, that our survival instincts are triggered. I feel like an wounded animal in the jungle in many social situations. People are mean and overconfident that they know all the answers. What I started doing to help communicating better with people close to me is to set a boundary. I simply say that I grew up in a very judgmental family environment, so I don't accept criticism, as I already enjoy my own self-destructive critical authority on the inside. I say the truth that feedback is pointless as only a few people could give constructive feedback and it is usually not applicable as it refers to their understanding of life, work, relationships. I will gladly ask for their opinion and advice and appreciate any feedback, but on my request. At work, I show early that I don't care about any positive or negative feedback coming from colleagues, so they better stay out of my way with their little opinions. From time to time I request their opinion in an open way, so they feel heard and seen, even when I don't need it. When someone tries to trigger an emotional reaction from me, I know I am in the presence of someone with some personality disorder and treat them as they are a mental case. This helps to navigate, so I don't feel so attacked all the time, even if I am. What I've learned about how this trauma works is that we are the people who appreciate constructive feedback the most and have the ability to learn and change from it. I have experienced that several times in my life.

[@DOCKent-3339]

Here am I. Trained to a doctoral level with several subspecializations. I can attest to the applicability of these indicators, these warning signs. Why? Because my family was extremely damaging. However, as an old man I am concerned about the time I have remaining, my energy level and the probability of more growth. Thank you for bringing these matters forward.--Dr. Kent

[@YourDoomIsSealed]

Yeah? Trained in what? I, too, am trained at that level but in neuroscience and so I know, e.g., that clinical psychology is more pseudoscience than science so I'm far too smart to heed the "don't isolate"...isolation is very healthy for me and society! And my neurology helps me choose the correct illicit drugs. You think I'm kidding? Not at all. If I were to drop dead right this instant, the time it would take for anyone to discover me...year? Longer? I don't know what it would take. I guess maybe bills not paid etc and then to a point of evicting me as I do have a mortgage...IDK. But energy is what meth is for, and caffiene, I grow because I engage my brain constantly - people are at best, huge distractions. I mean look at me now!

[@DOCKent-3339]

@YourDoomIsSealed if you think psychology is a soft science then your training is lacking, severely.

[@alexanderewasiuk8342]

I still jump from noises. My dad had a hair trigger temper, I remember being in my room waiting for him to hit me, and hearing the footsteps coming, my anxiety peaking 😢.

[@ericb8413]

Same here. 😮

[@markbrooks7157]

Same here. And I’m 70.

[@lauriedefelice8132]

Same. I’m in my 60s

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Same, only with my mom

[@stoneleigh4743]

This resonates with me.. I’m 48 and cut my parents out of my life 24 years ago - no regrets.

[@winniecash1654]

Something I've noticed about myself is that when I'm at a party, I feel like I'm in the wrong place, like the fun is over there, not where i am. Or I should be in another room instead of where i am.

[@1coketogo554]

I won't go to parties. Parties are the loneliest places of all. I hate them.

[@winniecash1654]

@1coketogo554 aw i know 🥲

[@Tommy1977777]

I just appreciate the fact thst he gets right to the fucking point. No 11 minute self-congratulatory monologue followed by a sponsor ad.

[@rwdchannel2901]

Getting anxious when speaking to a stranger because you feel like you're going to be struck in the face for having an opinion is a big sign you've had a narcissistic parent because that reaction comes from constantly being invalidated and gaslighted by the narcissistic parent. Walking away from a conversation and constantly asking yourself if you did something wrong is a sign you had a narcissistic parent.

[@sallybutler1005]

💯 I never feel good enough either.

[@westerlywinds5684]

I suffer from extreme shyness and shame. I’m an older adult now. I also suffer from a phone phobia. I greatly dislike calling someone or picking up the phone when it rings. I suffer basically from all he mentioned in the video.

[@rebeccanagle353]

Jesus loves you and so do I! You are: wanted, needed, valued and have a purpose!

[@westerlywinds5684]

@ Thanks Rebecca🙏

[@erinharper9908]

Same

[@galerae947]

I have learned to keep quiet around family members who like to argue. It does no good to argue with people who have no interest in another's opinion. It took me 65 years, but I no longer need their approval. I am comfortable being alone. When I have had enough of the noise and drama, I leave for my own quiet space.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

I am just realizing how neglected I was.I was in 3rd grade when I got my eyes checked and got my first pair of glasses. It was my teacher seeing me squint at the blackboard. I could not see the blackboard at all. I could follow what was happening in class until she wrote on the blackboard. My 6:49 best friend would let me copy her math problems, not the answer. When I got glasses, there was no apologies. When I first put them on, I could see blades of grass and every leaf on a tree, it was magic. My mother said remarked to her mother that :"I thought she just wanted to be in the center of everything", not " OMG my daughter has been almost blind for 8 years, why didn't I see that". What a strange thing to say.

[@sickofcrap8992]

Wow! You had my parents! The 1st part of your story was mine exactly.

[@alicesamuels3937]

Similar for me . Teacher brought my vision loss up with my mother . Then, when I had to get glasses I was called down for looking ugly in them , and that no one in the family ever had glasses . As if it were a shameful thing . I’m 72 now and doing ok in life, likely better prepared for being alone and marginalized as a senior . More careful and distrusting than most too, so immune to scams or being taken advantage of .

[@ChickpeatheTortie]

She sounds just like my mum - when I was 3 somehow or other I broke my arm my mother didn't bother to take me to a doctor until someone pointed out to her "I think you daughter has a broken arm" and when I was 6 a boy smashed a roller-skate in my face and broke my nose - again she did not bother to take me to a doctor - true - and like your mum she was always saying that "I wanted to be the centre of attention all the time" - needless to say I loathe her with a passion

[@lisa2000geese]

My teacher in first grade noticed I needed glasses. I couldn't see the board and started crying because I thought I would get in trouble for not being able to do the work. My teacher was very kind, asking why I was crying, and I didn't want to say. I was afraid to say I couldn't see. Imagine that - I thought I was bad, because I had blurry vision. At age 6 or 7.

[@monikafischbein]

By the way, from a body and mind connection perspective - children who develop myopia is because of the contraction of the eye muscles. Why do the eye muscles contract? From fear. This is how specific this is - a disapproving glance from a parent in childhood. "Disapproving" can be substituted to "angry", "contempt" etc... Myopia is often associated with escape from the reality that surrounds. So, if you had myopia from childhood, you may find that by healing from your narc parents, your eyesight will improve or totally recover!

[@Roxy11515]

What a calm and peaceful voice Jerry has. I could totally talk to this man as a therapist.

[@breusa2126]

Love being alone, problems with relationships, over/undersharing, etc… man, you nailed it describing me!

[@littlepinkskeleton]

Also, pathological fear of being judged and shamed to the extent that it prevents you from doing what you want and being your true self.

[@susangonos589]

I am not so much startled, as automatically preparing or bracing myself for what comes next.

[@susannapavelkova1265]

Always preparing for the worst.

[@bernadette573]

Yes, know that feeling well. Had a wonderful fourth grade teacher who spent time explaining what we would do in class that day, that week, what we might learn, special trips. She presented such a prepared and nuanced world where she wanted us to know what was coming, and what was expected, it was the first time I felt comfortable and learned to anticipate pleasant activities. She changed my life doing ordinary things (ordinary for normals) but to me it was a glimpse of paradise.

[@mads597]

@@bernadette573this is beautiful :)

[@alicesamuels3937]

Yes. I’m always waiting for disaster . I’m 72…

[@Dumu_Mul]

Jerry, you are so cool, I adore you. Your videos came up today and I watched them, and I couldn’t help but laugh because I now see them in a new light thanks to you. Being open to receive the truth, has made them now look very weak. They no longer hold the last few strands of power they used to hold. Thank you so much for the peace you have brought me. Much love and light to you.

[@omarazami7377]

Yes on the normalizing “loneliness and isolation”. I’m also hyper vigilant. “Small noises” startle me because I would always listen to sounds outside my bedroom door to know if my parents were coming to insult and scream at me.

[@andreabradley5837]

I'm mostly hyper vigilant in intimate relationships which I why I will probably never have one again. The thought terrifies me. Not just because of what they might do but also what I am capable of doing.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Yup, in my room trying to play, read, or do homework, always on alert for my mom to start screaming for me. Then I'd come running only to find out she wanted me to pick up one piece of lint off the living room floor. Decades later, the hypervigilance continues to dominate my life. 😢

[@jomurphy1654]

@@DriftlessWarrior Same here - bipolar mother nearly did for me - many similar anecdotes - wrote about it all!

[@tims9434]

Far too many. Thanks Jerry for validating my experiences

[@Sarahopal]

When I get really stressed out, I still walk on my tiptoes. I don't even notice it. I've healed so much the last few years. I'm 45 years old. But trying to make myself quieter/less noticeable is still something I do when I'm anxious. I used to have a whole bunch of these symptoms. My mother is schizophrenic and a drug addict. She was so violent and abusive. She hated any noise at all. So I tried to be quiet and turned into a super jumpy, people pleasing, codependent. I was getting counsel from a pastor recently. He mentioned codependency. I said no way! I just don't know how to help all the people I care about. Lol. He said, "Is it possible that you need everyone around you to be happy so that you feel safe?" That blew my mind

[@dalenemarie]

I used to feel isolated and lonely, until Jesus lifted me up and gave me peace. Now, I’m never lonely.

[@dodsonyaple7100]

In the same way, I used to feel isolated and lonely, until LSD lifted me up and gave me peace. Maybe it wasn't Jesus, maybe it was just you, ready to change.

[@pichichipichi]

It’s so Painful to watch I have to stop it. I’ll be back Thank you, Sir

[@cosmicstargazer10]

This video is really insightful - thank you, so much, for making & uploading it. Extension of point one - always making jokes about dark events - when there is nothing but darkness, the jokes are all you have, to keep from losing your mind. Isolated, yes, but, never lonely. Being alone is not a bad thing - it protects me. I don't mind my own company, to the point where, I often prefer it. People that try to impose their lonliness and boredom, on someone that doesn't get lonely, or bored, are toxic. There's always something to do - only boring people get bored! Considering I never felt so lonely, as I did in that family, in bad relationships & friendships, it is even more preferable, that I be alone. Exaggerated startle response - yes, C-PTSD. Guilt & shame, where none should be felt - yes. They did such a good job, I'd feel guilt & shame even when nowhere near them - just considering serving a need of my own, would break me out in panic. Overshare generally, when under attack, clam up. I have no friends, because, I only attract devious, sly, toxic people. I've learned the hard way, that being alone is better than being surrounded by toxicity. My manipulative nephew was the last one I had to get out of my life, in the last 5 months, I'm so much calmer for it - I also, have never had so much of my own money for myself! Being in his company was draining - we had to do what he wanted, go where he wanted, listen to his music all the time, watch what he wanted on the TV, along with endless takeaway food that cost me a fortune, but, what money cannot buy - it most cost me, my self-respect. It takes some time to adjust, to only having your own wants and needs to serve - you almost don't know what to do with yourself (Dusty Springfield did a song about it!) - but, here's that "be your true self, the person you were never allowed to be" thing, and that, is what you have to do with yourself. Stop thinking about what you have been made to owe to others, start thinking, what do you owe to yourself? What you owe to yourself, is all that you willingly gave to everyone else - in a way, it wasn't yours to give away - it certainly, was not theirs to take. I met someone a couple of years ago, who told me a really good analogy, it has helped my understanding, anyway - you, are a cylindrical glass container, that once held nothing but clear, pure water, but, over time, toxic people threw all sorts of dirt into it, thus, you can no longer see through the cylinder, it is mired so much. Your job, is to keep them from contaminating it any further, then, to start putting your own, clear, cool water in, only goodness, until, once again, you can see through the cylinder. Then, you will finally be, who you were previously denied permission to be - Your-Self. These toxic people will tell you, that for this, as they have always been telling you, you are selfish - let them think/ say that, because, if they loved you how you deserve, they would actually be saying the opposite, they'd be congratulating you, on growing a pair. Their reactions to you putting yourself first, will either confirm their lack of care for you, or, reinforce the fact they genuinely do care - it should be very easy to tell the difference. Good luck out there, fellow broken humans. Let's get fixed. One:LOVE.

[@sharonvisini5531]

I survived all of this ! I do have a great sense of self and always have. I was more mature than either of my parents.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Me too! I managed to hang on to my sense of self no matter what my parents did to harm it.

[@somedumbozzie1539]

To paraphrase Mark Twain When I was a boy of 14, my family was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have them around. But when I got to be 28, I was astonished at how insufferable they really were because they are all just idiot alcoholics and walked out.

[@EyeofSekhmet]

I have to say that having autism definitely amplified all of these things even more 😔 I wasn't aware of what it was that was different about me growing up, but realized that I was autistic at 30 years old. It made everything make sense all of a sudden. All the shame that was put on me and that I felt as a child was linked to the fact that I wasn't like other kids, and now I know it was not my fault. I wish I had known much earlier 💔

[@lindaversil1121]

Yes. All these things he mentioned refers to autistic people which I am too

[@yazajag]

Getting yelled at or told to do something horrible or disgusting to you, when supposedly it was "normal" and for me, being told "Shut up" every day, being bullied and assaulted in and outside of school everyday, not getting any professional support or a diagnosis until my 40s when i knew since I was 4 and being tortured by your senses, always getting sick, people getting mad because you communicate differently or need people to me more clear and concise to understand. Developing cPTSD. 😔

[@donnabowman9059]

My husband just found out he's ASD level 1 (autism). He's 66. He has that on top of trauma as a child. It's hard for me as it is for him.

[@lindaversil1121]

@@donnabowman9059 I found out at age 62. Everything made sense. It’s hard when nobody understands you.

[@RyanJones567]

Well, I was 38 before I realized that I was autistic, so it could be worse 😅

[@anngabriel5455]

Boy this was extremely telling. You were talking about me. At 70, do you think that there is hope? This is going to be an interesting journey and yes l do suffer from childhood trauma. I hope you can help.

[@novascotianinfj]

I wish I had a parent like ME..... my child has the childhood I should have had.

[@shelbymorgan9484]

That's what makes us Good Parents I have always tried to let my child enjoy their youth as long as possible As simple as believing in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy....I would give and do anything to have my child not ever know what my childhood was like...that's the past....long gone thank God

[@alynneflanery9918]

at least you broke the cycle then.

[@qq84]

@@shelbymorgan9484 No. A good childhood makes a good parent. He had to put in a lot of effort to break the cycle.

[@YvonneStewart-c7s]

Thank God...right? You CHANGED your future, your kid's future. For the BETTER. The only way I could change my narrative was to just NOT have kids. So, I didn't. Good for you, tho. You proved the world wrong. YOU were NOT a failure.❤

[@liamskywalker6591]

Your achievement is glorious ✨️ You provide the nature through your child, the cycle is broken.

[@GiftsAmimalsGiveUs]

I don't really hear about the deep attachments you can have to animals because of the toxic childhood you have.

[@Terquoiz24]

Because that is more specific to ****individual coping responses****. That avenue of coping is under a larger umbrella that can be in form of many other interests/needs. It depends on each persons history & specific personality which way they'll go. This video is an overview of the most common denomenators/generalized behavior traits indicating seriously problematic upbringing - in general. Some turn to animals with deep connection, some become deeply, even obsessively invested in animals welfare/rescue. Others pour all that into trying to have "repair relationships" & investment in other people... or becoming completely consumed by their career/workaholic. For some it is gardening, pet plants, or some other hobby or skill that becomes all consuming. And for others, they cope by detaching from all such connections... keeping their lives clear of anything that could be taken away, create liability, or used against them somehow. But these can't be used as identifiers in & of themselves. Some very normal, well-raised folks take on "missions" in life, or have deeply invested connections to animals or other concerns/interests.

[@ateachableheart2649]

having a pet is safe. They don't judge, don't get angry, don't lie to you or hurt your feelings or stab you in the back. They're always there for you. Their love for you is genuine you'll never have to wonder about that and they won't cheat on you or steal from you.

[@hope4all366]

​@ateachableheart2649 Yes! My dog is what got me through my childhood, age 5 to 17. The only time I didn't have a dog since then was while I was away in college. I think it's the unconditionally love that goes both ways.

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen]

KZbin is littered with cat and dog videos because they bring absolute joy and unconditional love. I actually love animals more than I love humans ❤ because they aren't capable of all the horrible things people can do to each other 😢

[@jessicakruger7]

I agree. I feel most at ease with my rescues.

[@krispbacon598]

I recall the need to find the "right" birthday card and quickly go through the whole display saying "nope" because they were all for parents that were loving and cherished. Hallmark take note: create a line of cards for the narcissist in our lives! 💔😢😂

[@stephanie5471]

Pretty much all of these for me! Although I would like to know if anyone else feels like you have to push through being sick, feeling tired, not being in the mood for something? I feel I push through all of these so I don’t inconvenience anyone, as if I don’t allow myself to be sick for fear of being ridiculed, rejected or in trouble.

[@evaschager1040]

Smiling your way through hell is familiar for me... Not beeing seen in the Family... And only having a few trusted people arround... Thank you, Jerry

[@Denise-y2c]

Lots of people here, that seem to have experienced similar existence s to mine. Maybe we haven't been so alone in a broader sense. Still *feels like being alone, 63 yrs old.

[@leigh-anneobrien3299]

Again, it seems you've had a direct glimpse into my toxic, dysfunctional childhood (and adult family dynamics). Thank you, thank you, Jerry, for the validation and wisdom. Jerry WISE indeed.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

The adult family stuff is so sad. They let the abusers win.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Any sharing about my life experiences feels like oversharing. And I have definitely shared with the wrong people. Virtually no one can handle hearing about it so I don't bring it uo.

[@jomurphy1654]

Know the feeling! After a terrible adolescence with my bipolar parent I finally met my husband to be who proved to be the greatest listener - and natural psychiatrist - I know I have been blessed to find this one in a million gem and I dearly hope you'll do the same.

[@carolakelleski7905]

I love how algorythms bring us together😂😂 Came here to reassure myself that my childhood was truely as f'd up as I thought... Yep it was😎 love that bit about authority😂😂

[@mrsqueakthecat.8061]

For me, one of the things that stand out the most from my childhood is the insane levels of open and obvious lying my parents did. Sometimes it was like reality was forbidden in our home. We had to look and act perfect every second of the day even though it was all so fake everyone could see right though it.

[@alexanderewasiuk8342]

My dad raged out this one night, jumped up out of his chair, but he landed on my ankle, and sprained it really badly, it was almost broken. He took me to the hospital 🏥, and I had to tell the nurse I fell down the stairs, gotta keep up appearances at all times 😅. I feel that

[@yves2694]

All of them. I feel so sad about the adult life I could have had. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up, and I am long retired. I ran away from so many opportunities.

[@upstream1942]

All 13 hit home... The constant guilt and shame was the worst- feeling like a weirdo who didn't fit in anywhere. I am 82, and since I only felt safe and calm when alone (or in the company of my two children and/or animals), and I have a desperate need for freedom, in the end I created a fulfilling singles' life, spending my spare time in NGOs, helping others. There, being with other people was structured and professional, and what I did was a p p r e c i a t e d (!!!) ... Although I imagine that I have healed from my devastating childhood (narcissistic mother, enabling father), the fact that it feels so good to watch Jerry Wise's videos proves that the wounds may have healed, but the scars are still there. I plan to join the free training too, thank you Jerry Wise. Never too late, I suppose 😊