[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap

Have you ever thought...
"I know this relationship is unhealthy, but I cannot leave this person. Why am I so afraid of being alone? I mean, this is probably the best I could do...I just know there is so much potential here! Sometimes we are so good together; if only my partner would just get with the program and stop being so afraid of love, everything would be fine. I know if I stay strong and love them enough, they will come around. No one else could love them as unconditionally as I do.”
Or perhaps you've felt...
"I am attracted to my partner and I think I love them, but anytime we get close, I start to feel suffocated and like they are trying to control me. They start telling me they will be there for me no matter what, and it only makes me feel bored and/or lessens my attraction to them. I just need someone with an edge...a challenge. They really deserve someone better. Someone who can return that kind of selflessness. They’ll just end up disappointed. I’d be doing them a favor to bow out now. I just don't think I am cut out for relationships."
Perhaps you have harbored both of these sentiments, to some degree, at one time or another.
These statements illustrate the two extreme ends of a spectrum of ambivalence, which in the context of an interpersonal, romantic relationship, we are defining as the anxious-avoidant trap.
⭐Today, we will go over 6 signs of the anxious avoidant trap.
The rest of the videos in this series are available as paid content, with a discount for my subscribers, through this link: bit.ly/AnxiousAvoidantTrap30OFF
This includes...
⭐A downloadable PDF Workbook with the video transcriptions.⭐
[1 of 5] The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like
[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
[3 of 5] 4 Neurochemicals That Feed the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
[4 of 5] The Role of Fantasy in the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
[5 of 5] 3 Ways Anxious And Avoidant Partners Push Each Other Away
⭐Plus the 5 replay Q&A sessions we had when hosting the series live!⭐
⭐WANT TO LEARN MORE? ⭐
Take the attachment styles quiz:
bit.ly/4LuvStylesYT
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👉 @brianamacwilliam 🌎
👉 @brianamacwilliam 🌎
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*********************************
Website: www.brianamacwilliam.com/

[@LeandroVelez7]

Basically the avoidant wants to be the anxious and the anxious wants to be the avoidant in the relationship which is really the driving force for so much of the drama between these two.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for sharing your reflections in the comments. You might like this video, its an oldie but a goodie: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fn2rZpWmdt2bg80

[@maggiessong]

You are brilliant! I am an open heart in love with a rolling stone.....roller coaster indeed. You are helping me! Thank you!

[@lightbeingpontifex]

❤️

[@senorpants5604]

“Insight can only get you is far” is great advice for the people who tout the tired old “communication is the key to a good relationship” line. Communication and night are nothing if you don’t know how to implement good practice.

[@Bar_Bar27]

so many who've been told they are narcissists are not actually narcissists? I'm sure some of them are, but I wonder how many of them are just with avoidant attachment

[@sarahmontour924]

I think it would just be that people who are narcissistic probably tend to have avoidant attachment styles, kinda like how people with borderline tend to be more likely on the anxious-preoccupied end of the scale. I think they’re too separate spectrums personality disorders and then attachment, but contain similarities, overlaps and are kind of intertwined in a way. I read the book attached and study personality disorders because I typically dated narcs and that’s kind of the conclusion I’ve come to. I also think there can definitely be ppl that do not have personality disorders that do have insecure attachment issues(obv less severe), but ppl with personality disorders definitely always have insecure attachment styles.

[@7racker]

Since I started learning about the avoidant attachment style, I began realising they were just describing narc behavioural patterns.

[@really5660]

I'm so emotionally overwhelmed and hopeless..All I want to do is cry..

[@PsychedPerspective]

Oh it’s hard to deal with the but simple to get out.... NO CONTACT AND MOVE TF ON. Followed by healing and therapy.

[@colbyvermillion7673]

7 year Marriage turned into separation. I'm very anxious and she is avoidant. amazing stuff!

[@anubhavganguly5838]

Mam, I cannot thank you more for making me understand what I'm in. I'm in love with a friend of mine and our relationship is like rollercoaster .

[@mavourneenstrozewski]

I am the rolling stone and have always been the rolling stone. This opened my mind to who I've really been since my childhood.

[@roshalllambert]

Same with me. Like initially I did not even think that there was a problem in having this attachment style I was like its good I am so independent and when I learnt about the attachment styles I was like oh god there is a problem here.

[@marisamarino7462]

I’m a licensed therapist and thought I had worked through my issues but... I ended up with an avoidant man. We got engaged and after three weeks I broke it off. After many months of back and forth we both walked away. He shut down and I got fed up. Im working on healing my childhood attachment wound but I’m doubtful he is. It seems as though the anxiously or ambivalently attached have a better chance of healing. I don’t see the avoidant person having the same ability to heal. They do not seem to see a need for healing or want help. For the last six months of our relationship I thought for sure he was a narcissist. Now I’m thinking he might actually have an avoidant personality disorder. Sounds about right?

[@noway4705]

I think Attachment Styles is simply one model or lens through which to see and interpret behaviors -- so behaviors will overlap between Attachment Styles interpretation, DSM-V cluster B disorders which includes borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Borderline behavior (the push-pull) is exactly what you see in the Fearful-Avoidant (sometimes called Anxious-Avoidant). Many distancing behaviors such as being hypercritical may be ways of distancing for the Fearful-Avoidant and/or may be distancing behaviors used as result of BPD / NPD (and really, most people use these behaviors with some other people in their lives, but clearly you know when it's a healthy strategy versus an unhealthy one). A borderline will project attributes they can't handle about themselves onto you, and the turn around because you 'have' these attributes that they don't like (but which you may not actually have!). I think in both the attachment styles model and the BPD / NPD framework, both have created a false self that they then need to protect subconsciously -- so ultimately at the core of it all, the same issues are the root causes. The practical question to ask is which models give you the best tools for interacting with the partner if you choose to get into or continue a relationship with what we're calling an avoidant type? Learning DBT skills would be very helpful because you would first need to learn how to 'detach' mentally and observe so you can be effective in interactions -- one of the DBT skills (which is really mindfullness at the root). The distress tolerance would be a good second skill to have. And so on. Ultimately you'll have to learn what you can and experiment, but my suggestion is first to work on your own attachment style (and the roots of that) and move to secure attachment style as best you can.

[@angelbrumfield6134]

No Way I was going to say something similar. Labels aren't as important as addressing the behavior. You said it more eloquently than I could have.

[@simeon54]

@@noway4705 Interesting points. One thing jumped out at me though. 'and the turn around because you 'have' these attributes that they don't like (but which you may not actually have!)' In my opinion, it's not actually possible to project onto someone if they don't carry the attribute themselves. To project anger, for example, you will need to find someone with a propensity to get angry. If they don't, you won't be successful in projecting your anger onto them. This is a big issue when it comes to understanding projection. It can be painful to realise this, but also liberating, as you are being given a chance to work with this attribute that this person is stimulating in you. There is a silver lining, but it will take work.

[@nuraliamazlan9730]

Marisa Marino from an avoidant personality: trust me, he’s probably out there trying to solve someone’s problem and don’t think he needs help because if he can assist someone else, that means he’s ok. Took me years to realise this

[@ghalirock3053]

I’m 29 years old and finally figured out that I’m a “rolling stone”. Thank you

[@seraphin8999]

So sad to learn all the attachement stuff after the breackup :(

[@SK-no2pp]

I learned during it, still didn’t save anything

[@Anderson-gr5le]

Honestly, not to be negative but I'm in one right now. Watching these videos and bringing awareness of it to my partner. I do think there is a solution to this, but for the relationship to really heal, I strongly believe BOTH people have to WANT to work things out. Both have to be willing. Be committed. Its draining for only one person to do all the work.

[@yarisainati5237]

@@Anderson-gr5le my advice is that if both of you are aware of it, you should work to heal both of you but not be committed to bring the relationship forward at any cost. I mean if just one of you 2 will try to keep the relationship going without actually healing, he/she will be back in the starting situation. You should use this relation to try heal yourself and your partner, both aware that maybe this will lead to a shorter relation, but less toxic.

[@raimondsmackaitis6815]

Yes, same here, going thru thru the process. Violence starts to kick in, so probably things are gonna end at some point soon. I just dont think that the prtner with lowest sexdrive can always determine sex to hapen or not.

[@marcuscosgrove9431]

I particularly have enjoyed that when things went a bit wild, I managed to use all the worst triggers on an avoidant 🙄 Pretty devastating to see how it will have come across. We live and learn.

[@noeno17]

She's making these videos for me. I'm trapped.

[@googleuser9753]

Michael Noe same

[@joshschoenly2777]

Michael Noe Hardest thing I ever went through and still am.

[@noeno17]

Joshua Schoenly I never knew about any of this before. The knowledge makes it easier for me to cope, but it hasn't made it possible to navigate her avoidance

[@z.deutch1334]

Ladies and gents, as a secure person who was with a fearful avoidant for 3 years, who did my best to save our relationship, but he constantly ignored or stonewalled me. It is very hard to sustain a relationship with these people, no matter how reasonable you are, or how much space you give them. Push, pull, rollercoaster, love of my life, blah blah blah. Their shitty hot and cold behaviors is what's triggering our fear and pain response. The parts of our brain that sense fear is close to the areas that experience pleasure. *We've confused instability and anxiety with love.* Mix that in with the dopamine reward we get when they are _finally_ close to us again or responding to our distress, together with the oxytocin we get in the rare moments they cuddle us or we get intimate with them, that drives the intensity even more! But you know what? That is *NOT love!* Love isn't hot and cold. Love isn't non-responsive, hurtful, distant, unstable, inconsistent, unreliable, or disappointing. However, love *is* consistent, accepting, warm, reliable, responsive, caring, stable and dependable! What we have with avoidants is our brain chemicals have tricked us into falling for a personality carbon-copy of our childhood caretakers. You deserve better than this. You're better off leaving and going for a secure person.

[@SK-no2pp]

Z. Deutch reading this made me cry. It’s so true

[@ifanachan]

This describes my ex and me perfectly! I've been watching videos from numerous love gurus and their theories and while they are great in their own way, the things described in your videos resonate the most with me. I believe I have an anxious attachment style while he, avoidant. All the things you said truly described us. Amazing!

[@topkat8268]

I am the open heart attached to the rolling stone, but l also believe he is a narcissist. This has driven me crazy for almost 5 years. We are in no contact now, & l don't think we will be getting back together. He's got a new supply now so he can just go drive her crazy. It will turn out exactly the same way. He did same to his ex wife. I'm still trying to recover, but l don't think l want to try again to make it work. The stress is unbearable.

[@crism3lo]

You seem reluctant, not firm, as if you are not in control and getting back together is not your choice but his. I see that this comment is a year old and I hope you didn't go back to what you describe as unbearable.

[@lightbeingpontifex]

❤️

[@stevenkralljr987]

Every point you made was a part of my experience during the deterioration of my last relationship. He was avoidant and I was more anxious but it’s been over for three months, no contact. My question is, how do I deactivate my attachment to this person and move on. My brain def still feels addicted to thinking about him...and I’m exhausted

[@ElementRewind]

Steven Krall Jr last relationship was 3 years ago and I was also more of the anxious and he was complete avoidant. The attachment you have right now is so toxic. I just hope you find peace in becoming more dependent on yourself. It’s not easy to get over that wishy washy avoidant partner that strings you along when all you need is validation. Because of that relationship, I’m actually now an avoidant and haven’t been in a relationship since. I just hope you don’t turn to avoidance to make you feel better.

[@z.deutch1334]

Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, go see a psychologist or therapist to talk through your childhood issues. Work on yourself. Stay distracted. Do things you've always wanted to do or enjoy doing. Socialize! Catch up with friends and family.

[@SK-no2pp]

ElementRewind same here. Now I’m avoidant 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@SK-no2pp]

How are you now? I went through the same thing

[@mbankslje0nk]

@@ElementRewind I am avoidant and in my relationships I was always the one being pursued. My fears keep me isolated and my fear abandonment keeps me that way. My wife's is BPD as was my first wife. Us secure attachment people seem to be drawn to each other

[@houserjj]

i am so thankful i found you. my guy is actually willing to work on this with me! i will for sure check out your 60 minute and Nov 1 course. i have hope that this anxious-avoidant couple can work through their stuff together and separately, even if it means we are better prepared to deal with the next relationship we have. it is wild how i have read two books about this and still over-react to the slightest rejection. i am looking forward to the body work and meditation and actually doing something about it besides learning.

[@addyyylaidefanf5215]

any updates?

[@jchession1]

Your content is so resonant and clearly articulated! You mention a blog and several courses yet I don’t see links.

[@sarabovo2151]

What I don't understand is why avoidants simply do not leave if they are almost disgusted by anxious-preoccupied

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Sara Bovo Thank you for watching and for commenting. You would probably appreciate this video. I answer this question explicitly. kzbin.info/www/bejne/hYGyZWqegKqbbck

[@jacksong6843]

The way I receive this after watching a few videos...Once one partner realizes their styles are opposite the relationship will never work once the issue is fixed within self. My problem is...what if kids have came from the marriage or relationship? Everyone is saying just throw in the towel & look for a matching style without regard for the whole union(anxiously speaking)

[@Cheeseisboss]

Why do you believe that a relationship won't work after the internal issues are fixed?

[@jacksong6843]

@@Cheeseisboss hello. I wrote my statement that you’re asking about 2 years ago. I didn’t stop seeking understanding then so, in general no 2 people heal at the same pace & what we are attracted to in brokenness, is what we “want.” What we desire in after becoming aware & more mature, is usually what we “need”. Flesh vs Spirit decisions. People stay in relationships out of fear towards the unknown but as I talk with people away from their mate when it doesn’t appear their relationship is mutual towards each other...one or both usually wishes they had someone else. A believer can save a none believer if they stay together but God’s Grace covers you for moving towards a connection that brings peace. Only then will 2 people reach their full potential of purpose🙏🏾

[@marycallahan4839]

What happens when an avoidant is placed on antidepressants, does that alter the dynamics of the open heart, rolling stone relationship? Thank you

[@mysterylady5995]

I spent 7yrs with my first love(an avoidant) it really was like this. Explains everything..thank you.

[@sosha4050]

Ha, like an argument over me listening to the car radio and how ppl that listen to the radio are dumb, etc. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@DanielleRHancock]

Thank you for helping try to understand what's going on in my relationship, we have been together for almost 2 years now. At first I didn't know if I wanted to be with him because curtain situations, but I fell so in love I couldn't say no to him. We were perfect but then he started to wake up and go straight to his computer and wouldn't get off until HE went to bed, most of the time I just sit beside him all day on my phone/watching tv while he plays games with his buddies all day... Im not a inside type of person I love doing things outside even if Im just sitting in the shade listening to the birds.. I haven't done that in so long... I would ask when he was gonna go to bed with me and he would tell me soon so.. I would either stay up almost all night and get no sleep or I would get upset and just go to bed.. I have tried to talk to him about how him being on the video games day and night makes me feel as if he doesn't want to be in the real world with me.. He told me he would try to do better and hang out with me more.. That now barely lasts the day... I will ask if he wants to even just watch a show with me cause I know now he doesnt really like going outside which he told me he was always outside at first, we will watch a little bit of a show and he would get bored and goes back to the game.. I always try to give suggestions on what we can do together, but we never do them or they are done so last minute I don't really care anymore... I love him so much... I don't want to break up because I cant put him on the street (has no where to go) But I can't seem to be enough for him to want to be in the real world and that just tears me up inside...

[@LX12399]

Another great vid! I am trying to get my head around the projection and rejection of parts within themselves seen in you. Ie what parts of themselves does a “rolling stone” see in their open heart partner that they reject? Hope that makes sense! I’m definitely going to do your free course and hopefully the full course after that :)

[@Hathor333]

Sounds like "Trauma bond" narcissistic abuse as well? How to differentiate?

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for the comment and the feedback! I don't approach narcissism in the same way as others do. This video might provide some insight: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gGfVlHtjbNSsl6s

[@sanaghafoor84]

I'm not able to find the rest of the parts of this 5 part video. I can only see the first 2. Can someone share a link please for the rest of the 3 parts. Thanks

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Sana Ghafoor Thank you for watching and for commenting. The rest of the videos are part of paid content. There are more details in the caption of the video if you would like to learn more!

[@bowpow00]

Does the paid content has solutions?

[@anng1260]

Amazing and a real insight! Thank you so much!

[@dclaire44]

💡🤯🧠 Everything makes sense-

[@AlanEZ12]

You are absolutely brilliant

[@Jasmine-ob5lx]

How does BPD and Sociapathy pay a role in these 2 attachment styles if any? It seems ss though Anixious and BPD sound similar and NPD Sociopaths & Psychopaths would be the Avoidants. If there is a correlation what does therapy look like for these people?

[@andyk1550]

Just found your Chanel and I love it. But I can’t find the next 3 videos in this series 😔

[@caragiebenrath7815]

Where are the rest of the videos in this? I can't seem to find 3-5.

[@DB-fb9et]

I also would like to find 3 to 5

[@Sykamori]

I’m avoidant I feel like a villain But I can’t feel So I’d rather be alone instead of hurt people

[@vangeles11]

I am currently in this type of relationship and both of us are openly aware of it and have discussed it. Just finished watching this part 2 video and am curious is it all doom and gloom and inevitable that we would not work out?

[@barbaraadams2645]

What I was trying to say is that the person who projects probably has much more anger and/or bad feelings around it (unconsciously) than the average person.

[@anahitstepanyan3260]

This is about my life! What should I do? I am the open hearted one

[@StoicEver]

Good question

[@samiravaresi6713]

what if you had such a series for FA and DA! these series are just amazing.

[@tori4255]

This all sounds great! But what's cure, treatment, solution or process in how to reverse this and have healthy attachments. It's great to hear the way out after we're given all this.

[@palois2022]

While I believe all of these things are true but what's the solution to this vicious cycle?

[@Johannastairwellstudio]

Catie S interesting there wAs no answer to this

[@komaljha1897]

The only solution is to get out of the karmic wheel

[@brandonf24]

END IT. 👍

[@picklebunny7684]

There is an entire 5 day course on this you can purchase on her website.

[@brandonf24]

So, what you're saying is...we're fucked. That's great. Great use of euphemisms btw...open hearts and rolling stones. Nothing wrong with honest, direct language...Anxious and Avoidant.

[@salamander8301]

I have been both of these people. Both are as bad as each other. Both made me horribly drained and impatient. But ud say being an aviodant leave u feeling so empty and guilty. Bring an opening heart can make leave u with bitter and angry but i feel its easily yo health from if u choose to begin loving your self. Aviodant type have alot of in need healing to do

[@fahlmancomputing8628]

Why are the next three videos in this series blocked in Canada???

[@ruthmartinez2373]

I can’t really tell witch part I’m in this relationship! 😞👌

[@thehammerxnail]

Yes, it's not very clear

[@Authentistic-ism]

Thanks for fixing the audio... what did you change?

[@jessicaphilip4850]

This is amazing

[@holisticbarbie]

Where is this ! I don’t see it on the site I want to do it.

[@Schambolic]

Watched the 1st part with itnerest. Watching the 2nd with tears. Met someone online. Everything felt amazing. Then it went sudenly hot and cold. The more she felt distant, the more I messaged... And the more distant she felt. I went from feeling so good, connected, secure, to... Completely lost. She's told me now that she can't give me commitment, she's pining for someone still.. Basically the reason for my tears, which I haven't cried this whole time (over weeks of pain) until now is.. This video is, like so many others must be feeling, saying, so *me*. It's clear I'm an open heart.. And she's a rolling stone. We're painfully similar, yet on this one thing we're opposites. That are the same. But express it differently. And I guess, apart from whatever it is that's making me cry to realise at last what I'm feeling - What she's feeling, what we're both going through together - I'm also terrified what the conclusion will be when I get through to part 5. Thank you so so so much for this series. It's not taking away the pain, but it's letting me understand it better.

[@iasmina9230]

Ughh i wanna see the rest of ur series buts its not available:(

[@whoosh_angel]

give me my pills AGREED

[@barbaraadams2645]

Simian isn’t it a matter of degree? We all have some anger, jealousy, etc. But the person who is projecting is unable to feel their own and is likely to feel what they are projecting which may be quite beyond what the average person feels and can usually handle.

[@DB-fb9et]

How can I find videos 3,4, and 5 in this series?

[@KarenPoirier-e9t]

Do you think if both parties work on themselves there could be a healthy committed relationship?

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching. I just released a video on this topic. You can check it out here. Succeed in Anxious Avoidant Relationships: 5 Secret Tips kzbin.info/www/bejne/hXmwkKFvbJqLjNU

[@walterbass290]

shes narc/no meetings,she doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me/sad.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. Much appreciated and well wishes on your journey.

[@dutcheslove975]

I thought there were 5 video on this subject but I only found the 1st and 2nd. Anyone ?

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Sasha Nita Thank you for watching and commenting. The rest of the videos are paid content. You can learn more in the caption of the video.

[@dutcheslove975]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment got it! Thank you for the info. Would love to do your courses. Just a bit too pricey for me at the moment. But will hopefully do them in the future if I still need the help. Thank you

[@iraneko6326]

I like your content but I am really not sure how it would practically work out. Most relationships I see around myself entail such a dynamic. Especially because there are so many options available, there is never a degree of certainty. And later on I wouldn't want to feel guilty that I didn't try my best to make the situation work. Not that I am trying to control outcomes or manipulate them cause I am well aware I don't have that power and don't want that. At least I have the satisfaction that I was steady and stable and made the best of the situation. It's not my problem if the partner sees that as me being better than them.

[@cherylthompson2731]

An Avoidant is no match for a Borderline. He will go down hard!!😁

[@lightbeingpontifex]

Open heart (anxious) with rolling stone (avoidant) is awful especially on drugs,,,

[@littlejack1233]

Thank you for this i am in this exact situation can i ask was you? If so does the drugs make the avoidant worse as my da makes progress comes forward meets some needs then once drugs are in the picture totally withdraws & distances himself and doesn’t care.

[@TheDarkqueen80s]

Thanks for the video but what is the solution ?or how to deal with the two types?

[@emilijazukauskaite2071]

Where can I find the 3rd part of these series, please??

[@nicitaylor2011]

How can it be you and your partner against a cycle of this type?

[@theunsaidthingssaid4832]

Where's the part 3, 4, 5?

[@MBroyalist]

Is it possible to save and/or make a anxious/avoidant relationship functional?

[@sihongjiang9809]

I think so, if you truthfully and often communicate with each other and try to break down the walls that have been put up

[@sofiapaladino5172]

Pls write a book

[@scurci100]

Where are 3 4 and 5 of the series? I only see one and two

[@MissSmiley48]

In the description box you can get to them, it's part of her paid website courses

[@culture101]

How do you know all this?

[@rakheeojah-maharaj3206]

I can’t find videos 3-5

[@user-ji8ll1qn6o]

So where is 3 of 5?

[@Theantinarc]

Can these relationships ever work?

[@nvh682]

no

[@swordofgod2835]

They work until they don’t

[@kimberlychristine634]

They burn themselves out and each person’s underlying pathology is hardened by the experience.

[@jlgotera1]

it makes you just want to shake the avoidant and be like "you doing too much, chill.." hahahah it's funny but it's not

[@willhanley4954]

Have you been peeking into my personal life?!?!... 🤣🤗

[@toddk1479]

Thank you.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I pine for the one that got away.

[@barbaraadams2645]

Oops. I left out the word inconsiouyly.

[@rosirose5727]

You talk too fast in this Viddo Briana. Please slow down a little

[@rugbyhunk6121]

Wow wow wow

[@joshschoenly2777]

Wish I had someone to talk to

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

Buy TWO tubes of toothpaste.

[@manmosa1129]

Missed deadline. Boo

[@CobaltLobo]

totally me and my boyfriend

[@1x93cm]

You can fully reject yourself: It's called suicide. Fundamental rejection of self.