3 Power phrases for difficult people at work--how to respond to toxic people

[@TheWizardOfWords]

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[@xx_Joker_xx]

Loving the way you advise on handling complicated situations. However, I would personally avoid saying anything like "I'm surprised". You had another video that explained why you shouldn't do that and it was spot on. Rather than to say, "I'm surprised"... I would say something like, "It's interesting that you feel you can ... " taking the emphasis off of how I, personally, feel and placing the focus on the obvious issue of the person who did the wrong. Am I wrong here?

[@GS-st9ns]

I wish I were as quick or had as much time to explain. A co-worker of mine asked, in front of a dozen people, "do you mind if I ask how old you are"? My surprisingly calm reply to her in front of those people was "do you mind if I ask you how much you weigh"? She gasped because she's the workplace control freak. I told her, "I answer professional questions not personal questions"; then I closed the door and left.

[@juliadixon4810]

AWESOME!

[@manichairdo6346]

Brilliant.

[@Yerry66]

Yasssss. Perfect. She'll never get on your case again. I think the trick really is to stay calm, without rushing to an answer....I am still learning that myself👍

[@melvern946]

Yay for u!

[@lnpiparo]

You are a very quick wit 👍

[@babycricket9649]

I called police on my bullied coworkers. The whole company was shocked n surprised. Especially the security guard who was greeted by local cops at front desk They asked me what the reasons were and I said my upper management failed to protect victims like me. When asked by cops, both supervisors and managers and HR couldn't answer. I brought bullies to court and got a restrained order. They got fired. Supervisor and managers got transfered.

[@anewlife5846]

Well done, this is the best way to deal with it because if you ignore it once, it keeps happening all the times.

[@micknielsen7102]

What form did this bullying take? These days anyone can claim bullying for everything under the sun, Even for someone who disagrees with them on political or social matters.

[@anewlife5846]

@@micknielsen7102 In today's day and age, it's sensible to keep relations with colleagues on a professional level only. Minimum socialization and maximum professionalism. It is the other way around nowadays which is why very many companies are underperforming.

[@anewlife5846]

@So Who's the Dummy Now? It is far better to leave such companies because sooner or later those corporations collapse like a pack of cards and there is no dearth of such cases in the history of the corporate world. Even CEOs do not stay in the position for a longer time and hence switching companies frequently is not a taboo anymore but keeping official relationships professional helps too. Further, take it as your plus point that as you are a non-smoker, you will not take "smoke breaks" haphazardly and will also not suffer from any consequent health ailments which makes you more competent to be promoted.

[@anewlife5846]

@So Who's the Dummy Now? That's true dear, the corporate world is full of corrupt people and it is only their white collar difference between them and the politicians.

[@seichorn4079]

I will NEVER EVER apologize to the bullies.

[@SB-gq7fp]

I don't think the purpose is truly apology. It's to put them on the spot. Especially in front of other people. Like now the personal problems and emotional height shows. then when you're basically ike, "dude are you okay? did i hurt your feelings or something?" it makes them look really stupid lol

[@lornathompson7047]

Why not? It will help you to forgive, and showing humitity. That's when they look bad! Rise above...ALWAYS. helps keep pride in check.

[@ashekimran4946]

Lorna Thompson some even don’t deserve that

[@JacquouilleLaFripouille]

narcissistic personality will thrive on apologies. I will never apologize for something i didn’t do.

[@JacquouilleLaFripouille]

how do you deal with a colleague who is your equal and keep checking your performance and making comment that not even my manager make. I suspect jealousy and sincerely think and feel there is no need for jealousy. That person is abrasive and manipulative to many people. An equal should not behave like that. How do you deal with that kind of behavior?

[@fazbell]

I just realized that I apparently spent my whole career working in "insult factories". Retirement is freedom.

[@frankieflowers4966]

Fred Azbell me too. I should’ve punched two time clocks daily. One for work and another one for haters at work. Cowards, bullies, scarey, ugly demons. From job to job to job. Lol everywhere a damn demon. They don’t die, they multiply.

[@RAOates]

I can relate. I've had run-ins with psycho bullies at a job or two. My SIL (sister-in-law) is a real piece of work. She tried to hit me with her car once and she's still out loose causing terror and panic. I know one day ALL these bullies will get some of what they dish out. She'll piss the wrong person off one day and get her ASS handed to her! Fred Azbell

[@fazbell]

@@RAOates Well.....I have to admit that I have never encountered ACTUAL physical violence at work, but constant hassles and insults are difficult enough. Physical violence is actionable legally. The kind of things that go on at many work places are perfectly legal.

[@fazbell]

Some of you guys are amateurs in the "hostile workplace" sweepstakes. Some of the offices I've worked in, should be re-named "Devil's Island".

[@jimacheson]

Fred Azbell i terestingly nobody ever insulted me at work....maybe I am a proficient worker?

[@chefalbert]

People at work will never be your friend. That is one thing you have to understand. Everyone is out for themselves. I live free without worry and I am confident person. But in my work I do I find others don't accept what I do and try to tear me in half. They do not like to be below me and yet I am moving up quickly and passing them in a shorter time. But in all my years of experience in the field I am in as made me understand people. There is no place in business to put anyone down or tease them at work. We are not there for that. It's work it's place to work not a place to make fun at others.

[@rick3747]

Spot on!

[@l.chelsie9435]

@Rays Through Trees, Summer Breeze WALLS OF STEEL!!!!

[@joanbaczek2575]

But no reason they can’t be respectful you don’t have to put up with their shit just cuz you not friends-duh

[@UncategorizedContent]

I had a 9-5 type job in the Air Force with 3 years based in California and 3 in Germany, I still regularly chat with more than a dozen of them and its been 10 years since I separated. Is that wrong?

[@mark6168]

At my job, insulting each other is part of the job. Amazing that! At least 95% of the time and 15% is real work. You have to consider a lot of so called adults never grow up. These are parents, grandparents and their grandchildren is the same way, bullies.

[@rodentcafeteria]

Here's one I used when I felt someone in superior position was "talking down" to me: "I don't mind doing whatever it is you ask of me as far as my job is concerned, but you thinking that you're going to talk to me anyway you want - that just ain't gonna happen." Worked like a charm. I'm a firm believer that if you want respect, you give respect.

[@TechGently]

I did the same to this kid/trainer who snapped at me to "go back to my desk" he didn't say anything after that.

[@evadiva3085]

@rodentcafeteria I just added this to my list of things to say to mgt. instead of what's about to come out of my mouth that will surely buy me a meeting with HR Priceless! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@kathleendestefano5577]

Respect is earned, not given.

[@stay_low_key]

@@kathleendestefano5577 no, once is given it should be given back.

[@lindahandley5267]

I called the head nurse's bluff in a clinic I worked in. She only had the position for about a year. There were 4 of us nurses who had been there for years. Each one of us worked with a team of doctors. We worked our butts off, sometimes with 3 doctors at one time! The lazy bunch in the front office wanted us to do our own filing! Anyway, she walked over to my desk with her usual sour look on her face and told me that I was 'behind' on my filing. I said, 'Can I talk to you privately?' We went into her office and shut the door. I was mad but stayed calm. I basically told her that I didn't deserve her scolding me and I wouldn't be talked down to. I also told her that I wasn't trained as an R.N. to file! I had more important tasks with the doctors and patients! I never told the director or anyone else. Two weeks later she was gone. Everyone seemed to be in a better mood! I'll take a lot from somebody, but when you cross the line, it's ON!

[@onemercilessming1342]

I have always found that people who snark (demeaning/belittling comments, rudeness, "put-downs") are those who fear the target's talent, ability, upward mobility within the company, and education. If they think they can make YOU look diminished, then THEY will advance. Any company that permits this (and, yes, there are companies which will allow targeting a "company scapegoat") is a company to avoid. The toxic workplace is no joke. No workplace is perfect, but removing yourself from such a toxic workplace will improve your mental and physical health.

[@flawlessstrategy9972]

Yep, I need to remove myself. Less than a year in, and this place went from a decent environment to an oppressive slave camp. I used to come to work smiling everyday and had overcome my anxiety of my younger years. Now i'm frowning, stressed, and depressed; filled with anxiety once again and on the verge of having panic attacks. It all stems from the top too. Greedy owners who just can't get enough money, need another yacht and Porsche, and threaten the next guy down. Then on and on it goes down the chain of command until it gets to the little guy who is threatened and bullied into doing the work of 5 employees for the meager salary of one. Shit rolls down hill.

[@ormorphe]

Narcissistic Tactics 101

[@Clanafull]

Unfortunately I have moved company to company and the pattern repeats itself! It is me who needs to learn boundaries and appropriate responses (not yelling back or cowering away), but setting a boundary. Then if it doesn't change perhaps a lawsuit.

[@heatherpaar9479]

That is so true.

[@nancysmith2389]

So better avoid federal gov't jobs. Full of the craziest people you will ever meet.

[@ontoyoualways9183]

I went to work with a new hairstyle years ago. A short haircut. Gelled when wet and simple. A co-worker rudely asked in front of others, "Did you forget to dry your hair"? I responded, "Did you forget to put your make-up on"? Worked!

[@sfc5774]

Ha! You’re my new best friend!

[@mifnp8887]

This guy is SO good! I've recently discovered the effectiveness of staring and silence coupled with 'I must have done something really horrible for you to feel the need to humiliate me in public. Perhaps you'd like to share it with all of us?'

[@matthewburris769]

thats a little bit too much the martyr, keep working on it!

[@jacwindsor5552]

haha

[@OneNationxUnderDog]

*Their name*, I must have really done something to upset you for you to think it was okay to say a hurtful/critical comments like that towards me. I want you to know that you can always come to me to speak about these things without judgement or criticism. All I ask is that we both commit to keeping hurtful comments out of our workplace. Will you help me to do that?"

[@libbykaynorris]

Great advice but be careful with one on one workplace meetings. Never go into a closed door meeting without a neutral third party.

[@YesuAiNimen]

Best comment so far....

[@johnmoore4]

No, I would rather foster trust and discuss with him or her one on one behind closed doors. Further, presence of a witness will not encourage honesty and will make it look like a police interrogation, not a discussion.

[@faithkryenhoff9503]

@@johnmoore4 sometimes at least with some people a neutral third party is definitely needed

[@hellosweetheart3350]

johnmoore4 I must inform you, there's a cruel world out there, people are so mean and spiteful they will use your "discussion" against you X10

[@infinity2493]

You can use the voice recorder

[@Ray-se1km]

Dan, 20 years in the workforce and I've found you this late. It's too bad, but thanks for helping people including myself. You're leaving something positive to this cruel world.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks Ray, I appreciate that. 20 years in the workforce probably puts you a few years younger than I am--and I feel I have a good 40 years left in the workplace. So we found each other in time to do a lot more work! Let's be grateful for that and have at it!

[@sminthian]

I wish I had your mom. My mom always taught me "Just ignore them and they'll go away". No, it only made it worse...

[@TheWizardOfWords]

My mom is wonderful, and I'll bet yours is too. They're generally doing the best they can with what they have to work with--namely us!

[@rondarawson6236]

I was taught .turn the other cheek...got me beat up in grade school.by a bunch of older boys and again on the bus ride home...I was just standing by myself at recess....a little skinny blond .curly haired blue eyed innocent as the day is long....watching dragonflies...I to this day have no memory of why these boys wanted to hurt me....but years later I still have the same types trying to bully me.....i don't get it still...😳

[@kcisallout]

@@rondarawson6236 some people just have terrible upbringing! Thankfully there are good people in this world and i hope u meet more of them to make up for those stupid fcks who bullied you (and others)

[@empresswb641]

@@rondarawson6236 the type of children that beat up sweet little girls have so much hate and anger inside them. Your sweetness and innocence actually offends them. Please try to pity them and put it behind you. It seems unfair until you remember how lucky you are to have a beautiful disposition and outlook toward life. Bullies just want to take that away from you because they are jealous. Don't let them win!!! ❤❤❤🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

[@angelicvibes5138]

True

[@rc9272]

I use the Wow Them Method lol. Say something like "wow, now I know what everyone means when they talk about you" or "wow, that is definitely a comment for HR to evaluate" - or "wow, does your boss know you talk like that?" or "wow, I'm glad my phone was recording that" - create some paranoia.

[@kittykat981]

Heck yes effff with their mind, love it😭😭😂🤧🤧😅 God I love a good comment section on KZbin, you are all savages and I love it 🤭

[@VibeWithVida]

Brilliant! And simple. No clarification needed.

[@charlottehanna9092]

Damn! Using it today!!!!

[@VibeWithVida]

@Wagner PD lol, we can all count your IQ on one hand.

[@IMHip2]

that HR to evaluate response is perfect!

[@rarepaw9355]

Nope. Not apologizing. I can work with the rest. But, I only apologize when I have done something wrong.

[@gusgrizzel8397]

Apologizing is admitting you were wrong. I agree.

[@frankieflowers4966]

Exactly

[@yourdaddyonceler1239]

I would be like... "I'm sorry... That your mom failed that abortion appointment."

[@eequalsmcdonald]

@@gusgrizzel8397 I disagree. An apology is not necessarily an admittance of wrong doing. An apology can be more general than that- a way of descalating a highly emotional situation allowing room for facts, problem solving and growth along with getting both sides to get back on the same page ect.

[@mariemarie2688]

But you're not apologizing for you. You're actually apologizing for them. Or at least that's what I get out of it. I once had a boyfriend who would absolutely demolish me and my argument because if I got mad about something That I perceived he did, he would never say as I started an argument that he was sorry he had done it. He would very sincerely look at me and say I'm sorry that you're angry and turn it on me. I had no defense to that and was usually just left dumbfounded.

[@1002CL]

My mothers friend used to tell people at work if they said something rude or insulting to her " I am sorry your having a bad day". Love this..

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I like that one :)

[@NoName-qc3ms]

Never use the phrase "I apologize". even in the context you did not do anything wrong. They would twist to maje it look like you dud something wrong. Well, that is how it is at where I work.

[@alainleblanc4788]

I agree, sounds like passive agressive behavior for the offended person to be apologising to the offender for giving off a vibe that was misread. Just get to the point and tell the offender you don't like what they said and why. Never apologise for somebody else's rude behavior.

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

once you say I"m sorry but...the but negates the sorry so it is permisable in this context haha

[@ritacampbell3833]

Toni Art I agree. I don’t see the problem. A person can be sorry but not sorry. It’s like if someone bumps you in public, and you say excuse me? It doesn’t mean you are begging for forgiveness. It’s understood that it means - hey, explain yourself or excuse yourself because obviously you bumped me, not the other way around.

[@juliepurpleskater1736]

I agree, especially if you're a woman and it's a man who's being inappropriate. I personally NEVER apologize for things I didn't do.

[@Rainbowhigh7]

I agree, but it does sound better than “I’m sorry”.

[@aquamarine0023]

I'm so glad I found this channel. Somebody triggered me today at work and it ruined my day, I was stewing in anger and so pissed off for the rest of the day and thinking about what I'm going to say when I tell them off. I couldn't stop thinking about it and it was driving me nuts. I hate feeling that way I just want to let it go, but it won't stop :(

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Find my video on healing the sacred wound--it's on KZbin. It might help.

[@tthoma12]

Thats how I felt at every single job I had.

[@merncat75]

I ALWAYS say.. "is there a reason you're speaking to me in that manner?" And this is great especially when dealing with extremely obnoxiously rude people including service representatives.. "I'm sorry is there a reason you're being so hostile towards me?" There's always that pause and silence afterwards like they are taken back and suddenly don't know how to respond 😏😜

[@karenswanson2619]

merncat75 I think this is a great suggestion. I recently had to call a government service and the person was so rude, belittling tone for no reason. I wanted to say something, but I was afraid her wouldn't help me and I didn't know what to say. I will definitely use this response if it happens again

[@merncat75]

@@karenswanson2619 yeah I don't understand why people feel they can or should act that way but saying something like that is a nice way of making them realize how they are treating you.

[@kelsie8539]

I'm going to try this one!!

[@merncat75]

@@kelsie8539 😉

[@felixfelix7447]

I said what makes you think you can act in that way? Why are you doing that? He said he couldn't stand me... I had an opportunity to correct him on a few beliefs he held about me. He ended up apologizing and shaking hands. Asked if we could start again! Went way better than i would have hoped. Now ive got to say hello and look like i trust the s_#£t! Ha...😁

[@elaineanderson4891]

Some people are jealous and enjoy acting like demons. I get away from people like that. I like the conversation example you have given. It allows for people to talk responsibly and to think about what they will say.

[@latatha]

I don't know if I can take it to PRIVATE when somebody is bullying me in public. NOPE, if you are insulting me in public, you are getting an answer in public. No more private talks with that person from then on.

[@latatha]

​@Larry Turner talking in private with rude people is always out of question. If you think that answering in public is going to backfire, let the person go without responding at all. Focus on the job at hand. Let that person sink in his/her own words and actions.

[@Scorpio12348]

@@latatha That's been my response I just don't respond and I just listen to them and then focus on the job and they look so stupid and rude. I was just told by a customer/client that I was a ditzy blonde and acted lost. I was only 2 days on the job and they knew it. I just ignored them and focused on being excellent. Now, they have no complaints at all! I give them NOTHING to complain about becuase now I'm confident and secure in the job.

[@mrsbluesky8415]

So true. Never be alone w that person ever ever ever.

[@matthewburris769]

thats a great plan for failure.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Rude lead Teacher H- dismissive at best& Ramting huge Volcano!!

[@MySPANGLES]

Started a new job, co-worker instantly rude and hostile towards me. Ignored him. He started bad-mouthing my performance to supervisors. They ignored him. Karma reared it's head. He then started shouting at me, telling me what I was doing wrong. Ignored him. He went ballistic and verbally threatened me. Ignored him. The little sap told me not to ignore him. I ignored him.

[@FrancesHart99]

Didn't work, he kept going.

[@charlottewrinkle8973]

🤣🤣🤣

[@bethanyg153]

I did the strategic silence with my mother-in-law once when she said something inappropriate. She started back tracking and trying to fill the void. She got rattled for sure!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

:)

[@lcampbell9837]

LOL.

[@kurthanke5788]

Mother's-In-Law=Airheads. If she was honest, my wife would say that about hers lol

[@zukoher]

You’ve taught me more in a few videos than either of my parents. This should be mandatory to watch in classes.

[@matthewburris769]

here here, my mother taught me just the opposite, as a matter of fact. The zinger queen.

[@azarnamazi9076]

I had to come back to this video after nearly crying and feeling so unsettled afterwork from a man coworker who is constantly trying to objectify, bother and make me uncomfortable. Thank you for this!! After worrying all day this made me feel much much better and confident once again.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I hope it helps. No one should have to put up with that. No one.

[@Katherine_xs]

I hope you are in a better place Azar

[@maiaallman4635]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[@tiana1017]

Make sure your eyes arent' wide open since that's a sign of psychosis lmaoooo he had me cracking up on that one

[@tiaslays255]

SAME lmao like who tf says that like that. That was so funny😂

[@SR-mv2mf]

😂

[@Sylvia-of9hj]

How about questions that are none of anybody's damn business? I've found the best response is, "Why do you ask?" That usually leaves the person sputtering, then you get a chance to change the subject.

[@matthewburris769]

'idle curiosity'. Balls in your court. Did I sputter?

[@uniquelegance]

@@matthewburris769 “Well then, let’s keep it professional!”;)

[@FrancesHart99]

Yes, intrusive questions they feel entitled to ask, for their amusement, or to confirm their bias. In some places you'd be saying "why do you ask" every five minutes. I'll take your tip.

[@wh1zkidd]

Thanks so much for this! I'm actually pulling into the parking lot now where I work for in an abusive, narcissistic bully boss and hearing these strategies will assist me greatly Thanks so much for this! I'm actually pulling into the parking lot now where I work for in abusive, narcissistic bully boss and hearing these strategies will assist me greatly dealing with him on a day-to-day basis. I quit a job of 10 years to come here because I nearly doubled my salary however it is turning out to be the worst decision of my life and I am an emotional person and unfortunately I'm probably the worst type of personality to have while working here. Thanks again!

[@OfftoShambala]

I like how you do not encourage a victim mentality. You are the best Dan.

[@EdDueim]

One time a (minor) manager spoke to me in front of colleagues in an unprofessional way. I turned to my colleagues, smiled and politely asked, "Could we have the room please? Thank you so much." They left. He was standing, I was seated and some fools think that gives them dominance. It doesn't. "Just you and me now. Say your piece." Didn't speak again, just looked at them. Calmly. They very quickly began stumbling over their words. Never had that problem again.

[@priyajoby2605]

This is so far one of the best videos of it's kind - really addressing the issue than tutoring about how to leave the work and look for new job. Great response to a bully.

[@gemmadidit4118]

FABULOUS! But I'm always so floored by rude behavior that I can't respond in the moment. I will have to practice being cold blooded as that doesn't come naturally to me. I hate having to anticipate such things but I seem to attract drama no matter what I do. This is my first of your videos and it's like a light just went on in my brain. THANK YOU!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Hi Deborah: I'm glad you'll be prepared, but remember that you always want to deal mindfully, even with difficult people. It will get results quicker than answering darkness with more darkness. You don't have to be cold-blooded, just prepared! Remember--a LIGHT went on in your brain. So spread that light confidently. Dan

[@gemmadidit4118]

Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor I agree. Because i have a goofy sweet nature i just don't respond to malicious comments but as you have said that just allows that person to continue to jab at me. I need to make devastating EYE CONTACT and respond...so that it isn't so easy to come at me again. It is a necessary skill and it's time I learned it. I've just never heard it laid out the way you did. I've SUBSCRIBED to your channel and that feels like a good thing... Thanks again.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks for subscribing Deborah, and be sure and check out all my videos. Many of them deal with bullying, difficult people, and learning to stand up for yourself in a mindful but effective manner. You can't cast out darkness with more darkness, but it sure helps when you shine a light on the behavior of people who are not treating you with kindness and respect. Right? Welcome aboard. Dan

[@twilit]

Yes! I’m always so shocked that someone would say something so rude and can barely get words out. I feel I’d have to walk around bracing to be prepared to respond to the things some people say.

[@TheAncientOneOfDays]

Lol "fabulous"... Is it like coming out in the first moment if meeting someone? Especially, online? Lol Fffabulous, umm hmm umm....lol comical

[@suecollins3246]

You know, I learned something fantastic from the Harry Potter series and that was watching Alan Rickman as Severus Snape - the low-voiced, quiet response. He seemed able to project a calm, rock-solid barrier that DARED anybody to cross it.

[@juliadixon4810]

Will have a look.

[@Melophile74]

I do this at work all the time 🤣

[@trishawhitehouse4226]

Dan, I just wanted to say the time you take to respond to your video comments shows great care and compassion. These things are really difficult and that's why what you do to help people is so needed. Handling these very tense and sometimes tangled web of relationships involved can be done badly and destroy many important relationships. It's not as easy as , "say this" and it's all fixed because humans are complicated. I think you navigate that very well. Sometimes, when you finally get really clear, a relationship that was unhealthy does end. That's the risk one takes. We all have to weigh this before we take an action from which there is no return. I have a human communications degree, but I found the inner spiritual work we do is the best preparation for the tough interactions. Having your heart and spirit grounded first makes us, whatever the consequence able to bear it and have peace. You'd great work. Thanks for telling me I wasn't a coward. I made it through without destroying an important relationship and still have my integrity. What a mine field it is sometimes. Your help is like the mine map. Step carefully and mindfully. Blessings!

[@matthewburris769]

Here here!

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

if i talk in my power tone people will think I'm possessed haha

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Uhhhhh, and thus the phrase "tone it down." :) :) :()

[@karenswanson2619]

Toni Art well, at least they won't mess with you then...lol

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

Karen Swanson haha right???

[@vivalachoba]

Lol me too! And it comes with a serious case of crazy eyes 🤣

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

WATWASTHEREASON REASON haha yep like that ocasio cortez chic

[@TamiVroma1]

Just want to thank you for this. I am in a group of people and several of them like to bully me with snide or passive aggressive comments. This really gave me ideas of how to handle it!!!!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to help you, Tami.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

OK, I wanted to mention I got a question (the viewer chose to remove it, and I totally understand why--no problem) about what to do if you find letters, or discover conversations in which your spouse, for example, is talking about you to family members. I'd like to say off the bat that this is super common, so I appreciate the opportunity to respond to this--I think it will help a lot of people by getting everyone to think about it. Thank you to the subscriber for submitting it. Additionally--I totally understand why you kept reading when you found letters about you. I think most of us would do the same. I know I have. The temptation would be too hard to resist in most cases. That said... My initial reaction is this: when I come across these kinds of personal conversations about me, I tend to immediately stop reading, close the box, fold the letter, close the email, etc. because they weren't meant for me, and no good has ever come of that. Ever. In the history of the world. Furthermore, I can't blame people who live with me for talking about me and the challenges our relationship might be facing with other people. If this happened to you, and you delved a little more into what was being said about you, and now you're so upset you don't know what to do with yourself, I'd first ask yourself if you have ever done that. What if your spouse could go back in time and listen in on conversations you've had with him, or things you've written about him, and without you knowing, spy into your intimate thoughts. How would you feel? Would that be fair? Would there have been times you said things that you would not want him to hear because if he heard them he might think differently about you? The damage, however, has been done if you took the time to read on when you found the letters. So, that said, what I would do now is this: since you have knowledge now of what has been said and it's eating you up inside, I suggest talking to everyone involved immediately and asking them to forgive you for eavesdropping into their conversations about you. Because that's what happened. I suggest telling them what you know they said, and how it upset you, and let them tell their side. Then you will have leveled the playing field and atoned for what you did. You might be thinking, "What? I should apologize because my husband and family conspire against me and gossip about me?" Yes, I believe you should, because if you want people to do right by you, you have to do right by them, even when they're DOING you wrong. Teach them how to do right. Furthermore, now that you have done the right thing by putting all the cards on the table, you can make an informed judgment as to how to move forward with no regrets, knowing you had all the facts, and let the accused parties plead their case. My final thought on the actual content you may have read; ask yourself if it's true. I'd take this as an opportunity of real self-examination. If your husband and family--those who love you most--are all saying certain things about you, as an outsider, I tell you to think long and hard about what they said. I mean, even though they all said it, they are still with you, right? You vent about people you love, right? But you still love them? And what you said is usually still true? Do you think maybe that could be the case here? Now for everyone who has dealt with this, or maybe dealing with this, I ask you: what's the real issue here? People you love talk about you? You eavesdropped? You feel betrayed? They may be right? In this video I say to recognize the gossip as the person who brings you the information; in this case, that would be you. Are you maybe upset with yourself? And is it really that bad what they did or what you did? Which is worse? Why do we have to take one of the most common mistakes people make when it touches us, and drag it down to such a horriffic level? Are we upset when we find out what people think about us or what they say about us? Are we all not guilty of every single one of these crimes? Principle number 9: Forgiveness is the only option. Imagine what possibilities could lie ahead for you if you showed everyone involved what it's like to say, "I know what you said. I'm sorry I know it, because I shouldn't. I forgive you, and hope you can forgive me, and we can continue to love one another." What would that do? What effect would that have? Principle number 9: Forgiveness is the only option.

[@aaliyahrammstein6674]

Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor Wow.... New subscriber here. I'm really happy I found you.😊 You have a beautiful head on your shoulders inside AND out.😘 Thank you for sharing your knowledge in the videos and comments down below! 👏👏👏👍👍

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Welcome aboard, Angela and thank you for your applause! Please continue to go through my videos (there are about 250 of them) and comment, like and SHARE as you go along! Dan

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I try not to make judgments on individual situations, especially when I have been given very few facts. Whether the husband was dealing with a difficult situation in re his wife or whether he was avoiding telling her about his behavior, I have absolutely no idea. Of course you should be faithful in all things within a marriage. But most of us fall short to one degree or another, because we are imperfect human beings full of faults and failings. The question asked was "now what?" and that is what I tried to address. Yesterday I addressed this in a video because I think the topic is both important and common.

[@aaliyahrammstein6674]

Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor Thank you for responding to me! You are so sweet, I just want to give you a BIG ol BEAR HUG!!😊 I have already watched about 20 of your videos. They are all so very helpful!!! I like your videos so much I am going to make a playlist, to make sure your words are INGRAINED in my brain!! 😄 How could I NOT like, share and comment?! You are imho the greatest thing since grilled cheese was invented!! 👍👍 Thank you for all your wisdom!! You are helping me and others so much. If there is a God, (I think there is) I know it loves you!!😘

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Hey Angela, have you been talking to my mother? Did she pay you to say these things? If so, I hope she paid you a LOT! :) Dan

[@lynnbailey6976]

I love Dan's advice. He doesn't give that bullS*%t about "I" statements, he's straight-forward. Thank You.

[@vollickplaysgames]

i love watching this as a passive aggressive person. it helps me talk my self out of my auto passive aggressive responses before i say them... sometimes.

[@art4ucu554]

Or until you get an unexpected response that will shake you. Lol…. Passive aggressive people have lots of growing up to do and room for communication development. In other words, passive aggressive behavior reflects socially incompetent skills.

[@Pabliski577]

"You're being mean to me" "It's called being passive aggressive" - this guy probably 😅🚩👎🐒

[@PalemoonTwilight]

I have used that third one for years. It works well. Just make sure you stay super-focused on what you’re saying. It doesn’t hurt to also say, “Please forgive me.” And then before the conversation ends, ask, “ Do you forgive me?” I feel this is important, as then you get a commitment from the person that they will change their behavior based upon that forgiveness. 💜

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Good point Palemoon!

[@noreenhollywood3120]

I live by ‘Those that try put you down are already miles beneath you.’

[@sherishelton9516]

This does actually work,I've used this tactic often over the years,and resent ly with a assistant manager.She was really taken aback,and has been polite to me ever since.You have to really nip it in the bud.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you Sheri. I've found over the last 20 years that the people who say "this won't work" (referring to a communication tactic or approach) are the ones who haven't tried it. Mindful communication would be more prevalent if people would actually use it, rather than being aggressive, defensive, and reactive (which approach is guaranteed to fail and exacerbate the situation). Thank you for sharing your own personal experience! Dan

[@HannahHana]

I love it. It’s spot on. Everything you mentioned here does make sense and very helpful in dealing with toxic people. Don’t let them make you feel intimidated and let their nasty behaviour and bad attitude affect you but instead show them that you are aware of their tactics and will never be a victim. They will look like a fool failing to trying to make you feel like a fool and they deserve it.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Pretty good summary, Hannah Hana! Thanks . . . . Dan

[@corellitube]

Effective communication is key to success, Dan, you are doing good work.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you Roger; your comment is much appreciated.

[@littlesongbird1]

Thank you! I have Aspberger's so one of my coworkers thinks it's okay to make mean jokes and when I made a mean joke back another coworker screamed at me from across the cafeteria.

[@trublu2312]

littlesongbird1 assburgers!!

[@Yassss-rj9zf]

@@trublu2312 😂😂😂

[@lauraz2896]

Mr Ele That’s rude

[@cacatr4495]

littlesongbird1. Bullies can dish it out but they can't take it.

[@trublu2312]

CA Catr not the situation , just the word is a funny word sorry if u feel hurt

[@avril.227]

I love all your content! Excellent!! My favorite line to workplace bullies, “ I can see that comment seems interesting to you, oops I mean only to you “. “WE have nothing further to say without an HR Rep present “.

[@yeseniasplace]

OMG - YOU ARE AMAZINGGGGGGG!!!! God blessed the world with you! I love all your videos, bought one of your books and have used your statements. Thank you so much!! This video was awesome as well. I have gone through this in the past but if it happens again I will put this in to action. Dan your the man!

[@angelalopez7704]

Omg, why haven't I discovered you sooner?? I love you! (instantly subscribed) I work with a very condescending, bullying, insecure, egomaniac supervisor. I work in a small office (as a letter carrier) and my supervisor doesn't like strong women (and I am indeed a strong woman.) He takes so much of what I say regarding work as a personal attack or challenge to his authority and he often "calls me out" in front of my peers (all men) and throws his weight around, so to speak. It's exhausting. I'm gonna binge watch your channel to get some ammunition. I absolutely loved your 3 second stare! My eyes are already half-mast so that's a plus! lol

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I hope my videos can help you Angela; please let me know! Dan

[@rosemarie7816]

I love this. I have a boss who always insults me when training. I think I'll shorten what you said to; "Can we please keep this professional?" Because I've had a conversation with her before about mutual respect and professionalism when things came to a head. Thanks for the tips and I'm definitely going to remember the one about face to face, and power tone because she's usually behind me or shoulder to shoulder with me when she makes her snide or insulting comments.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You bet, Rose Marie. Make those phrases your own--put them in your own words--do what works for YOU.

[@lexielaughs365]

You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge 🤩

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks for the love, Lexielaughs365!

[@knitlamb5125]

I like the way you told us to handle bully coworkers. Wish someone had taught me that I had to fight some coworkers bullies and bosses who behaved unprofessional. I am really a good worker and person but if workers behave unprofessional. I am happy tell them that's not the way I treat others and don't expect it from them.

[@Novasky2007]

Apparently my power tone is Darth Vader. "Luke, i know you are my son but to me our relationship has been nothing but professional."

[@rondarawson6236]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@thisbeewhistleweed7532]

I just came across your site and I truly believe this may be of great use to my daughter who has been bullied/ picked on since Kindergarten. She's now in 8th grade and it just keeps getting worse. We've talked to teachers, principals, counselors, psychiatrists, she's been in therapy etc. We are going to apply your methods and techniques and try to give herself a better upper hand. Thank you for sharing your time and techniques.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Hi Thisbee: I can't tell you how much I abhor bullying and feel for anyone (many many people) who fall victim to this type of ignorance. Please go through a few of my other videos that deal with bullying. There are several. If I can help your daughter stand up for herself in a mindful manner, realizing that what people say is about THEM, but how she responds is about HER, I would consider myself blessed to do so. Once your daughter achieves inner peace, she'll know how to handle bullying--by rising above it. Once she does this, bullies will no longer get the reward they are looking for from her. Tough order, I know, but she'll get there if she works on her well-being and self-confidence FIRST and worries about what others are saying or doing LAST. I KNOW this takes time, but she can do it. Unfortunately you can't rely on much help from teachers or even parents. Sometimes they aren't aware or sympathetic in the first place, and even if they are, kids find a way to be hurtful out of sight--if they so-choose. As your daughter develops her inner strength one of two things will happen. People will continue to bother her, but she won't care or people will go away because it will be OBVIOUS she doesn't care. Kids stop when the rewards are removed. And your support is so important, of course. Your daughter is in 8th grade so she is old enough to read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" which demonstrates how attitude is so important in ANY circumstance, even one you cannot control by leaving-- Once you read how Victor Frankl responded to the greatest adversity imaginable, it puts things into perspective just a little. Dan

[@jelatinosa]

A lot of times bullies feed off of the reaction they get from their victims. This isn't to say it's your daughters fault, I was bullied mostly in middle school, 5th till 11th grade and I just noticed it diminished when I stopped giving a crap. I know Im not neurotypical and Im socially awkward, but I realized I mostly liked who I am and I thought those other people were actually ridiculous so their opinion about me didn't really matter. When people say "it gets better" they just mean that as you get older you don't give so much importance to dumb things that may seem to affect you when you are a child, especially since acceptance from their peers seems so important at that age, and you start caring more about things and those who really matter and not just what the overall population of your school thinks. And when that happens, those people stop trying to remind you what they think of you because it doesnt get the reaction that they want which they feel validates them. There is always going to be the persistant bully but, for example, as I started caring less about what others thought of me and everyone else started "growing up", in one instance in 10th grade, a bully literally pointed and laughed at me while I was sitting on my own, minding my own business. When I was younger it may have bothered me and I would either get mad or want to hide and even if i didnt do anything it would be apparent that I was uncomfortable and her buddies would have laughed along with her. In this case, I found her behaviour so ridiculous that I looked at her with a raised brow and couldn't hold back a bit of a laugh myself at this realization. Her buddies looked liked they were embarrassed by her behavior, looked at each other uncomfortably and kept walking. The bully was left awkward and confused and followed them off. It felt good.

[@jelatinosa]

Anyway, one thing that worked for me was calmly and with a raised brow and quizzical look asking the people who seemed to make fun of me for no reason, "why do you care so much what I do?" No need to insult them or cry or feel hurt or angry. Everyone else around will come up with their conclusions that will make the bully or bullies uncomfortable. And you can plant the seed, nonchalantly comenting to friends how certain people seem obsessed by you and must not have much going on in their life, when the right topic or persons in question arise in conversation. Teenagers love making up conclusions, digging up dirt and gossip and will hopefully take the attention off of you and onto questioning the bully. In my case, one of my bullies was found to be lesbian and people ended up thinking she had a crush on me. It stopped her from even looking at me funny. A lot of times bullies bully because of something they are hiding themselves and they want to project it or move the attention from themselves to their target. You just have to hold up the mirror. Other times bullies bully because they feel entitled to and are sociopathic and those are harder to deal with. An example of those is how men treat women and is more systemic and should be dealt with by authorities. You just have to make sure the authorities take it seriously, gather evidence and all that. It is more serious than regular school bullying.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks for telling your story elines. It is a great illustration of "What gets rewarded gets repeated." Once a bully doesn't get the reaction he/she is looking for, the bully will look for a new target. The goal is not to transform this mean person. The goal is to train the person how to treat YOU. Unfortunately, that's the most we can do with people intent on hurting others. Dan

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Again, thank you for your insights, elines. How you react to a bully is HUGE when it comes to changing his/her behavior towards YOU. And when dealing with sociopaths or psychopaths, you just leave their presence because nothing will stop them and they can be dangerous. You give that relationship what it deserves--namely distance, even if it isa long-standing personal relationship. Run.

[@corijohnson1731]

thank you for this. My counselor has told me to stand up to my rude coworker, but she never gave me any examples on how to do it.

[@22Harponyo]

Ask her to roleplay with you. You may have to change counsellors

[@SunBrya]

Every working individual young or old need to watch this over and over and over again.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, SunBrya, so I'm assuming you're sharing this until the cows come home, right? :)

[@mickeymouse2able]

This is soooo good. Wish I had this info on my last job. My manager was too too familiar and insulting. This was helpful.

[@deesorge1932]

You have a great Mom. Love you Dan, wish I could be as quick thinking as you!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Actually, Dee, I do have a great mom. She takes quite a bit of ribbing from me, but goes on ticking. We should call her Timex.

[@indiesindie1984]

Wow! This is probably some of the most insightful information i've ever seen on KZbin. Thank you!

[@GS-st9ns]

I really like that 3 second stare. Make them cook their own goose. That was priceless. It beats any words that I could use to defend myself, because I'm a cut to the quick person. I'm using it henceforth, thank you!!

[@ENFPerspectives]

I was asked, "Have you always been a goody two shows? Simply bc I told my coworker I was going to the morning meeting and would bring back any good updates (thinking I was being helpful - lol)". Ugh. I actually did aplogize for whatever I did to get us on the wrong foot ... I meant it. Your response is perfect and what I was actually thinking. I wish I'd thought to have said it.

[@sacredsquirrel1643]

Omg. So glad I found this channel!!! My job has triggered my ptsd this past wk. I need skills dealing with this. Thank you thank you, for this great info.🙏💪❤

[@YourGPSForSuccess]

Just shared this with my boss and staff. Great tools here. Thank you.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Wow! I appreciate that so much, Raquel! Thank you for taking the time do that and tell me about it after. Class act.

[@splashpit]

You never played poker !

[@TheWizardOfWords]

But I should; I have such a great poker face.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

What, you don't think I have a poker face? Hmmmmm OK. Would you believe that when I was 22 years old I dealt high stakes black jack on a riverboat? True story. Closest I ever got to cards--but it was really fun and educational in many ways. Dan

[@splashpit]

Effective Communication Skills With Dan O'Connor ha ha not you , the young lady that showed all her work colleagues her hand .

[@nola06]

I stumbled across your channel and happy to say I'm a new subscriber. I've binge watched your channel and am inspired to use my words more effectively. Unfortunately we live in a racially charged society these days and I'd like to communicate in the workplace without sounding or be perceived as the sterotypical 'angry black woman.'

[@averagebodybuilder]

I am totally thankful that I can work with people who are also friends. Glad I left USA.

[@UncategorizedContent]

Amazing that you think you had to leave the country. Yes these comments on the video are from lunatics, but they are the small minority that get mocked for their stupid belief that you can't ever be yourself at work. You let them win by running away, stand up for yourself.

[@hollyowen4450]

Oh my goodness, I'm so glad I just watched this video! I so needed this video, I'm entering the work force after a disfiguring painful surgery that kept me down for 13 years. How will I ever survive with people already staring at me, I so needed to find you!! I look forward to your website! ❤

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I'm glad we found each other Holly. Dan

[@joelee5875]

Holly Owen, I know what you're dealing with as I've had and have to go through the same thing daily, and I wanted to tell you two things. One, after a while the people who are close to you will pretty much stop seeing, so to speak, the disfigurement and those people are the ones that matter anyway and Two, I've had to be a public figure of sorts and people eventually see the skills and not the thing that they feel might have held "them" back. I have gone forward regardless, not out of spite, but in spite of obstacles. I am wishing you the best, I don't have any real advice except to not take anything too personally, forgive short sighted people because I've noticed that they can't or won't forgive themselves. Good luck Holly Owen.

[@RAOates]

I can sympathize. I feel self-conscious about my smile and that makes me feel insecure and defensive. I would just suggest trying to ignore their stares. Congratulations! Best of luck!

[@vivalachoba]

Well I wish I had you as my coworker so we could be nice and friendly to eachother

[@judithnelson1228]

There are a lot of instances where people act like a playground bully in retirement villages. Whether it be the Queen Bee or the King Wasp, it is more often the male picking on the vulnerable female. Sometimes it is a group of them deciding which women are "still attractive enough" or giving the silent treatment to the one who challenges their bad behaviour. There must be something that causes this arrested development or is it just that the bullies never change?

[@TheWizardOfWords]

This is not my field, but let me hazard a guess from observation. First, I believe that if a person was a bully in his youth and middle age, he/she will continue to be the same bully in old age. Second, I believe that at some point in his/her life people lose their "filters" so to speak, and engage in behavior that they've wanted to engage in all along--but now they feel free to do it. And of course there is always dementia. You would think that at some point people would grow up, having learned from their life experiences, but sadly some people do not--they just age.

[@misss4529]

I like to tell my kids it will get better when they are older... But the truth is--- It doesn't.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I agree it may not get better, but we can develop better and better coping mechanisms. We don't have to be fashioned by our environment; we can fashion IT and that depends on whether we react or respond to situations. We have to decide who we are in all situations and then act on that decision. It's not easy, but we can all do it.

[@joelee5875]

judith nelson, thank you for the heads up, as now I can see your point (no pun intended) clearly, and once again forewarned is forearmed.

[@minxella12]

@@TheWizardOfWords I see your point. I knew someone that worked in a nursing home, and some of them could be real bass turds to the other patients and she had to smack away some of the old coots hands.

[@fawzihatem1238]

Dan ... I would like to thank you for that amazing video and thanks for teaching us how should we make the eye contact

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're welcome Fawzi. Please keep watching, commenting and sharing! Dan

[@djw8591]

Fawzi Hatem I agree. Dan always thinks of the little things. The little things make all the difference!!!

[@Doversola]

Very well done and insightful. You really thought this out. You're using your brains and emotional intelligence.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you Christian. IQ and EQ working together will produce the best communication results, imo. Dan

[@libbylandscape3560]

Pure gold! Thank you. ❤️ Wish I knew this when I was working, I had to put up with men who were higher up and were inappropriate, sometimes to the detriment to my job because they didn’t take kindly to being turned down. No where to turn to for help because they were among the ones doing it.

[@alishabajracharya9301]

thanks a lot ur video saved my life i have always dealt wid bullies in workplace

[@chrissythornhill]

How I wish I had this advice when I started working . I'm an old woman now and remember many occasions in the ' sixties ' when men in particular could get away with some disgraceful behaviour in the workplace . Sexual harassment was rife and virtually impossible to address , especially from senior staff . Girls and women were told to consider the situation as a COMPLIMENT ! Please tell me we are slightly more enlightened nowadays . Thank you for posting these excellent ideas . Best wishes from England , and to all who watch ......... Take heart .

[@nh-wr3qr]

Christine Thornhill there is no enlightenment.. on the contrary.

[@chrissythornhill]

n h Oh , that is just the saddest comment. But I believe it .

[@OfftoShambala]

Well, I have had a mixed bag over the years... I am approaching 50..started working in the mid 80's... probably more than half my bosses over the years were truly wonderful and my male coworkers respectful... but, I had a few instances over the years... and the two instances that stand out were usually with much older men who were working in the 60's come to think of it and in office settings. I have no doubt about what you say.

[@minxella12]

I've seen some guys that were lucky that they didn't have a coworker's boyfriend or husband waiting for them somewhere.

[@annmitchell4663]

I know just what you mean,Im 61 now and walking past building sites was a nightmare because you just KNEW the comments WOULD come...one time when a guy started the usual 'hey love' thing just decided to call his bluff and smiled,walked over to him right to his face and just said 'Yes,can I help you' he just went red and didn't say a word..lol And working in a factory straight from school the stuff we had to put up with from men twice my age (sometimes hands on) would make girls today go mental...if you complained all you got was 'can't you take a joke love'...!

[@rick3747]

Incredibly useful video. Thank you so much!

[@joelee5875]

Thank you for this, as it was not only insightful but made me laugh while having my coffee, you must be a likeable person.

[@johnnydepp6907]

Those sounds like a very effective way to deal with people. Because honestly if someone said stuff like that to me I'll be literally speechless. I like it. Thanks for sharing it . That was really helpful

[@najlasyed9172]

Brilliant guy i just subscribed! I loved this video! Im sure most of the people watching this are zodiac water signs Cancers like me and Scorpions and Pisces! 🤝 I am a very super nice person but i dont like confrontations this will definitely help me deal with negative and hostile people!😊

[@youngfun6683]

Wonderfully put, straight to the point with class.

[@morganwildwood6168]

I love all the advice except for the apologizing bit. I'll be damned if I will apologize in any way, shape or form to someone who's trying to bully me. But I love the "icy stare" and using silence to make someone uncomfortable lol.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

OK then Morgan--whatever works for you! I'm all for it.

[@quacker143]

These are very good advice however when you apologize to a bully who doesn‘t get subtle innuendos like that they do really think that they are the victims instead of apologizing for being such a jerk... 🙁

[@alicehatzoglou5683]

Thanks

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks, Alice!

[@matthewburris769]

Dan, you are a cookie, a smart one. I wish I had known you in high school. It would have been enjoyable. Your ability to state clearly and provide good examples of and answers to those obvious, yet vexing, yet necessary to 'get' , universal complications and social pitfalls is.....remarkable. So many times I knew something was wrong with somebody or myself, and yet I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. What was being done wrong, WHY I felt -------Anxiety. Affliction. It's such a thin line between being a grown up and acting like a child, really. Thanks for helping to delineate that line.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are most welcome, m b. BTW, nobody knows jack in high school. You would have thought I was a trouble-making, self-centered, pot-smoking . . . well, I've said enough. Would you like my mother's phone number? :) :) :)

[@marciefiedler9141]

I work as a bartender and these techniques should work on my coworkers AND the guests! I'm going to start practicing right away...thanks for the tips!!!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're welcome, Marcie, and please write from time to time to let me know how these techniques are working for you. Dan

[@smithpm81]

Always hit the nail on the head dan. Thanks for helping me cope.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks Paul, for letting me know I'm helping you cope. That means a lot to me. Dan

[@zero2blur]

I did something recently where the guy was insulting me in front of others. So I turned around and stared straight into space and said nothing...I just sat there while others giggled and they were not really sure what to do...and this went on for several seconds. The bully kept slinging insults and I remained quiet (saying "stay quiet he is not my boss, I do NOT have to answer him."...It was very Powerful...and really hard to do! But the bully looked like an idiot and walked away. hahahahaha.

[@OneironauticalOne]

Great advice! The three second look is GREAT for retail and letting an irate customer see how absurd their behavior is.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

omigod One, be careful with that one--One. :) Remember that it's the job of a customer service person to SERVE and problem-solve. I'm not sure it's wise to make customers feel absurd--is it? Even if their behavior is absurd, I'll bet you can calm them down without making them feel stupid. It's not fun, but I think it's part of the customer service person's job. I didn't say you have to "TAKE IT" or demean yourself. I just think perhaps there is a way to turn them around without the look. JUST SAYIN' . . . . :) Ahem. One, would you check out a few of my videos on irate customers (as opposed to rude or offensive coworkers) and let me know what you think? Dan

[@bettyspyler3864]

Very helpful, thank you. Also, I love the green you chose for wall color and the art!

[@Nina-vv3ev]

Thanks for helping us keep communication classy!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Nina. Classy and mindful--a great combo.

[@felixernamemory9391]

I like this. I got insulted many times and being bullied. Its my fault also, I let them keep doing it again and again becasue I just laugh with what they say and agree to what they say. Coz I feel that I am full of flaws. I dont know how to respond to them. Now I got higher position at work compare to them. But I dont get their respect. How do I gain respect from someone who bully me at work?

[@arbitrarylib]

Request it, again and again, and do not accept excuses. Give consequences as a warning for no to following your new expectations.

[@openyoureyes3969]

This is the first video I have ever seen of yours. It won't be the last! Subbed!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Openyoureyes39, and please go to danoconnortraining.com and sign up there too--and get a free danger/power list phrases download. Dan

[@indisishir]

Wow this guy has mastered the art of staying in control and dealing with s******* at work. Thank you! Great video :)

[@tammieparrishmiller3669]

I really like and appreciate what you've said here. I must disagree with apologizing to a bully. The reason is that it's about them and not me or you. I can't go to a bully and say; "I know I've done something to you." Most likely, that's not the issue at all. I'm not saying it couldn't be, but an adult bully has issues beyond anything anyone could have done to deserve getting bullied. I just needed to point that out for myself if no-one else.

[@julierodabaugh6016]

Love your style and everything you conveyed. Keep it up in the New Year. Thanks a million.

[@ritacampbell3833]

Thank you so much. Why? Why don’t parents teach this? Why don’t they teach it in school? This is so powerful.

[@tammieparrishmiller3669]

I think this is very helpful, however, the one thing I wouldn't say is; "I know I must have done something to cause this." I would instead say; "Evidently, I've done something to offend you." I just feel like that would put guilt onto yourself by saying it that way. Evidently or Obviously kind of puts the guilt in their lap because of the way they've been behaving. Just my opinion. I think this is a wonderful video and very helpful.

[@KK-mc2hg]

I really connect with your suggestions. And boy do I need to hear this stuff! Thank you so much for putting this advice out for people who really need to hear this.

[@rachaelrogers2104]

You ARE A SUPER STAR! I LOVE THIS CAREFULLY MANAGED CONVERSATION STRATEGY! Ha! I am feeling empowered by your awesome approach! Subscribed and looking forward to more of your no non sense come backs!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks for subscribing, Rachael. More videos coming. And please share :)

[@alfieautomaton2265]

You are wonderful and I appreciate you sharing with us these insights.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks Alfie! Please go through all my videos and continue to comment and SHARE as you go along--and of course like them, if you do like them! Dan

[@cf8959]

I had a co-worker (female in her late 50’s) years ago who had an obsessive preoccupation with weight.....her own as well as everybody else’s. I became vegetarian soon after starting there, for health and ethical reasons, which is my own business. Anyway, the conversation gravitated to food and healthy body weight (as usual). We had an occasional employee (male in his mid-20’s) working with us for a couple months. This woman I’ll name Susan, was constantly making remarks about what “people” eat and why. I was 30 lbs overweight for my body build and height. So, almost EVERYTHING I put in my mouth was followed up with “I never eat cookies. They have waaayyy too many calories in them. / How many calories does that have? / You’re not going to eat ALL that, are you?” What I stick in my own mouth is MY business, not hers. She would ask me all the time what I had for lunch....how many calories did it have....I bet you won’t be eating dinner tonight, will you? It got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore. We both happened to be working with our casual employee, when “Susan” made a comment about me being vegetarian “Well, I would think if all you ate were vegetables, you’d be skinny.” I was so shocked I just couldn’t come up with a response. My casual workmate blurted out “I can’t believe you would say something so insensitive to such a sweet lady as her!” She was taken aback by what Kevin said to her but, undeterred. “Well, I was just being helpful. After all, if she doesn’t get all that weight off, she’ll never be able to get remarried.” I was widowed, happily married for 20 years when my husband passed. She was on her 4th marriage. Kevin stood up in his chair and gave her a stern look and said “YOU don’t know THAT! I think she looks just FINE! Besides, none of this is your business!” I told him later....out of her presence, how much I appreciated him sticking up for me. He said he’s never in his life heard someone criticize a person so blatantly cruel for what is none of her business. What right does she have?! Miss “food police” never said anything again about my weight until Kevin’s contract was up and left our branch. But, as soon as he was gone it all started again. We were restocking supplies by ourselves and one comment after another (phrased in a way that implied me) about how much weight she’d gained since she had her children, she has a lot of self control with her eating and weighed herself daily, etc, etc, etc! She made a comment about her hips.....that was hardest for her to get into shape. I saw an opportunity and grabbed that “saddle bag” by the horns. I shook my head back and forth and said “I know! As careful as you are with what you eat and you exercise.......I would think you wouldn’t have hips that wide!” I already had a response planned if she said it was a mean thing to say to her...... I would give her an icy stare and say “Really? Huh! What’s the matter, Susan? Can’t take what you dish out to me, can you?” Never heard her say anything about my weight ever again.

[@sgntest1789]

Cool video! I find I use the first technique when people give me crap and it works 90% of them time. If that doesn't work, just steal their office supplies, they will get the hint I actually like dealing with passive aggressive people, because you can ignore a lot of what they say and do whatever you want and they won't do anything.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Interesting perspective SG :) :) :)

[@karenswanson2619]

SG NTest adjust the height of their chair when they aren't looking, that always annoys them

[@patriciafisher3108]

@@karenswanson2619 That made me laugh. ( :

[@SydMountaineer]

Thank You for helping others with the work you do here on this channel.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to help Avmedic and you're welcome.

[@mysticcancer9621]

I actually found this video after (literally) being told that I am nothing, I am no one, I am not important from an owner of a company that I work for in a degrading and aggressive tone. I was in utter shock at the reaction. If I wasn't as mentally strong and stable as I am, the impact would have been far greater. I began to think, (shortly after) what if it was another person? What if people spoke directly in that manner to their subordinates considering today's climate? I write articles on LinkedIn highlighting workplace cultures and provide tips on improvement. That experience inspired me to write an article on Tone and after watching your video, I didn't know "Power Tone" existed. I will be sure to write an article about Power Tone and reference this video, you, and your website for people to navigate too. Thank you for this.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

First--what a horrible experience you described--being told you are no one? Who on earth treats someone like that? I hope you've left that job and that company owner's employ. Second--thanks for writing about power tone and referencing my video. It is much appreciated.

[@noelgibson5956]

I was told that a few years ago as well(don't go feeling as if you're the only one). I sarcastically told him that 'there was no need for unkind tones, I have feelings too ya know, and that I never done nothin to him'. I then began singing.......very badly! I gave him a 'dont give a shit' reaction. Of course, different situations require different approaches. Just deprive them of the reaction they crave. And always remember......... it's just a job. You don't have to stay if something better comes along.