3 Reasons We Come Out Later in Life; Therapist Explains

[@matter1196]

53 years old strait cis male here and my 15 year old daughter recently came out. I wanted to cry. Not because I thought she did anything wrong or I felt bad or I was disappointed. Quite the contrary, I felt blessed and honored that she came out and trusted me to hear it first. It was an amazing moment to realize that she felt safe with me as a parent. All parents should foster an environment of care and love and safety for their children. My heart is overflowing with pride and appreciation and love for my daughter. I’m going to do everything I can to keep her safe and help her navigate this in a safe way. Her mother, on the other hand, found out after going through the kids private journals! Their relationship is very superficial now. My daughter really doesn’t open up about anything to her ultra “Baptist” mother. Parents… please. Make your home a safe environment for your children!

[@KellyRMinter]

Yes to everything you wrote here. Thank you for sharing this experience! 💙💙

[@ciobalina7445]

I'm sorry that happened to your daughter. It's nice you are there for her and she has your love no matter what. It's a shame her mom only cares about she gets from this relationship with her daughter and less about what she is putting into it. But maybe your acceptance and unconditional love can balance that somehow.

[@springaleake]

💗

[@MichelleLohde-uv2rx]

@@KellyRMinter i came out as lesbain my preants was shock i told them i was scared of coming out they not support of lgbt now they have me as lgbt they read online why they read it ?. .

[@MichelleLohde-uv2rx]

@@KellyRMinter i came out as lesbain i happy and have boyfriend in past they dont last i realises i am lesbain my preants are find with .

[@jayfelsberg1931]

I guess I would describe my coming out late in life as sort of making up my mind. I have had gay desires since I was quite young, but I felt attracted to girls as well. I have had relations and relationships with both sexes, but I came to point in my life where it was sort of a time to take a break and do some serious inner seeking. I would rather not go into the details of why, but it was time. One thing that greatly affected me was the realization that relations with men just worked better. The experiences were much more comfortable and just felt right and natural. So I accepted that I am a gay man. It was a giant relief to finally say those words and mean it. For the first time in my life I came to love who I was and enjoy my life without guilt and doubt. We all have a different journey, and like you said, they all matter.

[@KellyRMinter]

I love this so much! Thanks for sharing this part of your story with us! 💗💗💗

[@jayfelsberg1931]

@@KellyRMinter TY so much! Watching others telling their stories is refreshing and enlightening. So many ways we discover who we are, and hopefully learn to love who we are and enjoy our lives. 😊😊😊😊

[@Celinagrace1]

@@jayfelsberg1931 Thank you for sharing your story ❤️

[@joelsonsouza]

Thank you for this 🙂 I really needed it. Years of internalized homophobia have hurt me so much. I am in the process of beginning to love myself, stop people pleasing and this scares the hell out of me. I am an independent adult but a part of me still feels I'm a dependent child. The crazy thing is, this independent adult keeps hurting the child just like my parents and society did all this time up till now. Your videos are helping me so much. Again, thank you so much 🥰

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so glad you are working through this journey for yourself. You described it so well, too, especially at the end. We get so caught in these cycles that we make our filters fit no matter what we have to do. Great insight! 💜💛

[@joelsonsouza]

@@KellyRMinter I just realized that I've been trying not to hurt my parents. That's the strongest reason why it took me so long to come out. I first came out to myself, step by step. This week I came out to my mom and she was horrified and started crying and saying how she didn't want me to burn in hell for all eternity. And even though I don't believe in any of that crap anymore, I still felt hurt by hurting my mom. I don't feel selfish for taking care of me, like I used to, but I still feel sad for not pleasing my parents on this one. Furthermore, I feel like there is this part inside me that are my internalized parents, and they hold exactly their same beliefs. I know I will continue to be judged by my external parents for being who I am (gay). And I guess I can come to terms with that. After all, they're victims of their religious conditioning/trauma just as I was. I'm now looking for ways to heal the relationship with my internalized parents. I'm wondering if you could make a video about this.

[@joshgormally]

I'm suffering from internalized homophobia and feel shame all the time. I had sex with a bisexual man who is in the same circles I am in and he's lying about it and it just adds to my shame. Finding other gay men is difficult for me as I do not like the bar scene.

[@StaffyLeeMusic]

As someone in their mid 40's at the end of a long hetero relationship and now beginning to understand my authentic sexuality, this video was extremely helpful and given me a lot to think about. Thank you ❤

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so glad! thank you for watching! 💙💙

[@kaylat.williams1696]

I met someone and now I'm going to have to come out to my family in the next few months, something I thought I'd never do and don't want to. I feel it is no one's business if I don't want them to know, and I feel uncomfortable talking about anything that relates to my sexuality. It will be just as awkward as the times I told them about my pregnancies, something that other people get support when revealing. And am I just supposed to be honest and tell them I've been lying by omission about my sexuality since I was in elementary school? Because I know my mom will ask. I'm going to visit my closest aunt for the last time before coming out and potentially losing the relationship forever. I hate that what is beautiful and supported for other people is often ridiculed and isolating for me.

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you for your comment! A couple of questions for you: Is your partner asking you to come out to them? Are you truly content with actively hiding that part of yourself from your family? No one should ever push you into something you don't want to do, but also your partner has the right to be with someone is in the place of openness that they are, know what I mean? ❤️💙💚

[@PCAseniorcareservices]

ABSOLUTELY...Fear is real Younger...being mature you Do you...Where are the Mature singles here.

[@KellyRMinter]

A lot of that fear really does leave when you get older. 💜

[@vintagearisen]

I think as a bi person my parents' religious-based homophobia had me repress my same-sex preferences so hard that I didn't even realize I was bi until recently. I just kind of disconnected it, hid it in a box, and hid that box from myself and everybody else. I have been in denial about being attracted to the same gender for literally decades

[@KellyRMinter]

It is totally understandable that their opinions impacted you that intensely. I hope that it has come into your awareness that that is not your fault in any way, and that the work you are doing now to come to these realizations is really brave 🩷🩷

[@lenoralee9553]

My experience exactly! And I could always find an excuse to reassure myself I was straight, no matter how far fetched!

[@AA-lq5pu]

I couldn't even come out to myself because I was financially dependent on others. When I was in Grade 1 (I'm from South Africa) I was traumatised and verbally assaulted on the play ground because I was always looking at this cute girl in my class. I had no idea what it was, but I was confronted by this boy who came up to me and started to scream at me saying "you like girls" and then proceeded to tell me how horrible I was, possibly that I belonged in jail that I was the lowest of the low. I walked home that day, so scared that if my parents found out I would be homeless so I told myself over and over again that I must like boys, I must do everything that it takes and that the only way I would get away with it is if I hid it even from myself. A piece of myself died that day. I killed off some of my life force. All because I was afraid of being homeless and that my parents would no longer love me. I would be confused as a teenager for years because I could never get a certain girl out of my mind, I just couldn't understand why. I was introverted and never really socialized with woman, I spent my free time at church all into purity, I then became a Scientologist (a cult) and L Ron Hubbard would state that he found homosexuals to be the lowest of the low and that it is better to sleep with a snake then these kind of people. I then left the Church of Scientology (that church will destroy your whole life, career, money, health, mental sanity, not joking) I married a man, and fell debilitatingly ill shortly afterwards, I put off consummating the marriage to 2 months after we got married. I began to realise that what was making me feel better was looking at beautiful girls from movie scenes, it gave me hope. I was using it as motivation to help me heal. Sometimes I would get so exited when I went to the shops and there was a beautiful woman there, it would make my day and I would come home thinking about them and how beautiful they were, I genuinely thought it was admiration. Then one day, as a was complimenting this beautiful girl something happened, I started to feel hypnotized as we were looking into each others eyes, she had the same response, I felt so connected to her, I pulled out of it and thought, what on earth was that. I came home thinking about her, It was such a pure feeling of love and connection that came out of nowhere.

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so sorry ANY of those experiences happened to you. Starting so young, you were mistreated by so many. You didn't deserve that. I don't know where you have found the strength to feel the hope you wrote about here. I am so glad you did, and so thankful that part of your healing involves sharing that with us here. 🧡🧡

[@AA-lq5pu]

@@KellyRMinter wow, your so sweet, thank you Kelly. I appreciate that. Glad that I got divorced almost fully healed and can now look for a job and find a partner. I think you are probably a great therapist based on your videos. The videos I have seen thus far are really helpful. I will sub and continue to watch and heal. All the best to you!

[@donnaballentine2246]

I'm 67 years old trans lesbian, I didn't come out until I was 60, You are so right about these points. I ended up losing my wife of twenty-five years but I'm so much happier!

[@KellyRMinter]

I am sorry that it had to include that loss, but I do love hearing this! Congratulations on being able to be authentically you! 💕💕💕

[@Raddiebaddie]

Proud of you Donna ❤

[@newdiffrentbetter]

Because I was already exploring my authenticity I feel like that allowed me to have the realization at 39 that me desiring to be with women could happen in real life, it didn't have to be this secret or unfulfilled desire. Crazy lightbulb 💡 moment 🤯 but that is when I realized and accepted my queerness.

[@KellyRMinter]

It is definitely a world rocking moment, right? 🩷🩷

[@LateInLifeG]

51 y/o guy here, getting divorced from my wife of 16 years, mainly due to drifting apart, but also because i have been in denial for more than twenty-five years about my sexuality due to my upbringing, and only in the last couple of years realised and accepted that i am predominantly gay. So i am hoping to restart my life next year and reconnect with my true self. It is channels like yours that make me realise how important it is to normalise in society what it means to be gay and that it is going to be ok.

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm so glad you've found our corner of the Internet. I can't even guess where you are on this journey, so wherever that is, thank you for inviting us in for some of it 💜💜

[@elissa3188]

If you don't hide it, but don't say anything either - I feel stuck. Being single means people just don't know, where does that leave you? As someone who hasn't dated for years, became a single mom by choice, isn't straight, but doesn't like most other terms (i.e. bisexual would be the closest term for me and/or Sapiosexual - but that doesn't seem to be included as a thing?) I often find myself just "passing as straight," but otherwise, I'd have to be "coming out" all the time... which also doesn't make sense. My closest friend or two know I'm not straight, but most others assume straight. I sometimes feel like I don't get to go to LGBTQIA things-- because I people assume I'm straight... or maybe that's just my own block- (39 yr old)

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you so much for sharing these questions. I know it feels like you are, but you are NOT alone. Additionally, everything you are feeling is 100% valid. I could honestly take hours to respond to this comment because there is so much here, but let me just bullet point some things: - Your label is your label. Sapiosexuals are valid. So is being Bisexual. So is not taking on a label because none of them feel right. - You don't have to come out to anyone, and also (at the same time) that feeling of having to come out all the time is (unfortunately) a very real experience for many in the community. Coming out is not a one and done thing, because you will always meet new people or have new experiences with people you already know which necessitates you telling them more about who you are. That's ok. It should also be your decision. - I would encourage you to check out my sexuality playlist. Specifically "The psychology of coming out" and anything to do with internalized homophobia and heteronormativity. That may give you some insight into the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing. 💙💙💙💙

[@raeyi9823]

What I am struggling with is being married with a child and pansexual in a heterosexual relationship. It wasnt until my 30s that I realized how important my sexual and gender identity is to me and I feel like I have to mask who I am to be with my husband. I thought that since I am attracted to the opposite sex that would be enough but I still dont feel like I am able to express who I am and I am wondering if I can be who I am while married. Since accepting my sexuality it has been heartbreaking realizing all of the crushes I had when I was younger that I was too ashamed to admit. Truly coming out to myself has been an emotional process.

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. That grief is so hard and so real, especially when you don't get to explore part of yourself due to ideas and fears that other people are responsible for. I am sorry that that is where you find yourself. I am glad you found this channel, and I hope some of the info and community here can be helpful in some way 💚💚

[@lorenahernandez4866]

This is so scary for me, I’m 23, I came out my to male partner. We broke up and I feel happy. But have a son and still live together, but he keeps questioning me (as expected) and he wants to get back together and work it out which literally won’t work out because I’m gay. I want to see change but it’s hard.

[@KellyRMinter]

Being stuck in that in between came be so complicated. Pleaseake sure you have a support system that is encouraging you toive out life the way you need to, not the you you feel you "should" (you are the only one who knows what fits into each of those categories, so make sure you share that with your support system ) ❤️❤️

[@hedge1417]

Understand you not get out of the cohabitation so as not to give him hope?

[@Lorenzo-fw3gx]

Last year, I came out to my spouse of 10yrs as bisexual with a flair for crossdressing. She had known something was different. She asked me to be open and honest so I did. She freaked, even with her sister being Bi and her best friend being gay. She told my parents out of anger. My father is 74 and way to old school. i couldn't even get my ear pierced 20yrs ago. So i had to come up with something and squash the flames...... Recently, on my 40th birthday I came out on my own, to my friends, sister and my mom. I also found out, after the first time I came out to my spouse, she went and had relations with a friend of mine to get back at me for coming out... I hid my bisexuality for over 20yrs working up the courage to even say it was really hard. My spouse crushed me.

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so very sorry. That hurts no matter WHO it comes from, but it is an especially deep wound to come from someone who should have had your back. 💛💛

[@jerrimenard3092]

I came out at 51 as non-binary. I am so relieved. At the same time I have tons going on. I have not been honest for a long time outside my small group of trusted people. Mothers Day was a real trip. So was going to the DMV. It's been everyone calling me Mrs or lady. Then there was the guy who called me mame sir mame. It's a lot! Still, I wouldn't go back into the closet for any reason.

[@KellyRMinter]

Congratulations! I hear what you are saying about it being a LOT though. Some people just don't understand, and deciding if you are going to correct people or not correct them, deal with how you will handle their responses, etc. It can definitely be a lot to work through. 🧡🧡🧡

[@Celinagrace1]

So grateful for your channel right now ❤

[@wendymelton8643]

I just came out this year I am 59. I live in a rural area so it is hard to meet other lesbians. I am on some Facebook groups but not having any luck. I wonder if it is me, not attractive enough not thin enough not smart enough. It is very hard.

[@CharleyHays]

Another great video, very thought provoking.

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you so much 💙💙💙

[@idh9395]

Hi Kelly, i concur with those three things as they relate to my own situation. Living a heteronormative lifestyle all these years but now fifty years old, married to a somewhat conservative, controlling and homophobic woman (we are not intimate anymore), and with a sub-ten year old daughter, it never felt safe to come out to anyone previously. The desire for change for me has borne out of this gradual realisation and acceptance that i am most likely gay and that my current life provides certain advantages bit does not fulfil me. And in terms of opportunity, it was previously the fear of my homophobic parents passing judgement on me, and my own internalised homophobia, that prevented me from having the opportunity to come out. In fairness i did not know myself and believed that i was straight despite gradually mointing evidence to the contrary. Then it was the combination of my chosen career, being on construction, being married to a woman, and being a father to a young child, that gave me no opportunity. Where i am now is that my parents are no longer around, and my daughter is reaching an age where she understands more. I have come out to a few people who i trust, and my current thinking is that in the not too distant future my wife and i will divorce, and once concluded I will consider coming out as gay more generally, and look for a compatible male partner/ husband.

[@KellyRMinter]

I love this for you! Being able to see a time in your life when you can be authentically you, and have a partner who truly sees you and have mutual support with is something you deserve! 🧡🧡

[@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry]

Sounds familiar. I would caution you, however. It sounds like you have serious parental issues, and even though they're, "not around anymore", what they did to you and the wounds they created are, whether you realize it or not, very active in your subconscious and your behaviour. That isn't going to magically disappear by divorcing and, "finding the one"; in fact, the higher probability is that, if unresolved, those wounds will follow you right into any relationship, gay or straight, or will remain if you stay single. Work with a therapist firstly to determine if in fact you are gay or bi. If so, then the honest action is to divorce; even if you find you aren't gay or bi, that marriage went off a cliff, and there's nothing there, there. You do have to continue to co-parent your daughter with her; I would suggest to keep contact with your ex respectful but minimal, and entirely focussed on what's best for your child. Once you've sorted out your sexuality and marriage, you need to get to work on your inner child issues, narcisisstic family dynamics and childhood emotional neglect/abuse, and physical abuse if it was present. Some YT channels that may be helpful to you: Tim Fletcher Patrick Teahan Anna Runkle Kim Sage Michele Lee Nieves (if you suspect your wife is a narcissist, and it sure sounds like it, Michele's videos are a tremendous help in "ticking off the boxes"). Be kind to yourself, but take positive action. Best of luck to you.

[@tracyhill6166]

I am leaving my 3rd and final heterosexual marriage in my early fifties because of this exact topic. Heteronormativity, lack of acceptance, and lack of opportunity.

[@KellyRMinter]

🩷🩷🩷

[@howaperfectlybeautifulchil7340]

Fantastic video. Thank you!

[@KellyRMinter]

Thanks for watching! 💙💙

[@Bingo-yj9pg]

@@KellyRMinter I struggle with coming out I've always known I'm a gay guy it's embarrassing

[@hedge1417]

So a safety issue is justification for not telling the spouse as soon as possible so they can make preparation for changes of their own?

[@KellyRMinter]

Yes. If they are in danger of being harmed by that spouse, yes it is justification. Im not sure why this would be something to question. Let's try it another way, is a spouse being surprised or upset by the other not wanting to be with them that they are justified in using violence?

[@douglasw889]

This the moment straight people say that homophobia don’t exist

[@denisel1553]

If I came out as bi, I would be fired from my job & lose everything. ☹️

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so sorry to hear that. Do you have any spaces where you can acknowledge who you are? 💙💙

[@denisel1553]

@@KellyRMinter I'm very lucky to have a few good friends who do accept me. I'm just struggling with the increasing realization that I need to gradually minimize, maybe even completely cut off contact with my entire family. Most of them are homophobes, all of them are pretty traditional Christians, some are actually racists, and none of them have been willing to do enough work on themselves to prevent themselves from passing on their traumas to others, not to mention continuing to violate my boundaries. But it's so difficult because 1) I'm so afraid of causing them emotional distress (even though they don't reciprocate this); 2) there is plenty of good with the bad (which I know is why people stay in abusive relationships); 3) I do still rely on my parents for practical support, mostly transportation... (I'm partially disabled & barely above the poverty line, can't afford health insurance let alone a car); and 4) I feel a sense of duty to take care of my family, mostly my aging parents. It's so hard. 😭

[@jasonb7870]

I want to come out Trans but l have no support I have family but they dont care about me other then me helping them

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so sorry that that is the space you find yourself in. Have you looked into queer groups in your area to maybe make friends in the community? 🧡🧡

[@jasonb7870]

@@KellyRMinter none in Mississippi l know of

[@alanaban1840]

What are u

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm not sure I know how to answer this question...

[@kaybeejelly461]

A human being with a beautiful soul who is helping educate others about themselves and LGBTQ+