Ask a Therapist: I came out "later in life". Now what?

[@quincybaker4615]

I’m so alone and deeply hurt. I grew up raised in the Protestant faith tradition, traditional apostolic Pentecostalism. I’m so hurt having started Coming out around 37, divorce and reshaping family, all because I couldn’t be me because “the decision was made for me.” 😞 So much emotional and mentally PTSD, so much loss. And now single, and alone.

[@KellyRMinter]

That can be such a hard place to be. I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. Have you started to build a supportive network? 💙💙

[@quincybaker4615]

@@KellyRMinter I have no support besides my amazing mom. I’m so behind in my entire life thanks to religion.

[@pretty948]

You are painfully underdiscovered. I hope more and more queer people find your videos because they are absolutely NEEDED. You're amazing, all love keep going I'm sure you'll get big some day !!!!

[@KellyRMinter]

OMG you are so sweet. Here's hoping the subs/algorithms/shares feel the same way :)

[@Etherealvioletco]

My uncle just came out much later in life and I had never considered how difficult it is to wait. I am in my 20’s and just now got into my first relationship w a woman/ came out to a close family member and I feel like I waited so long! Thank you for the encouragement 🙏🏼💜

[@KellyRMinter]

Any time you have to declare yourself to others in a risk. I can't wait for the day when no one ever has to come out, and we stop assuming things for people. Won't that be great? Thanks for watching, and congratulations on your relationship! ♥️💜♥️

[@Nephthy666]

I’m currently in the processes of coming out. It’s partly freeing but also scary.

[@KellyRMinter]

CONGRATULATIONS! You are right, it is scary. Go at your own pace, please! 💜

[@KellyC77]

Good for you, wish I was brave enough

[@KellyRMinter]

Is it more bravery you need, or more time?

[@rosiea9719]

Thank you for your content, it is really helping me. I always knew I was bisexual but I figured I would 'come out' once I actually had a girlfriend. Being very introverted and not 'out', I just had a few opposite-sex relationships, and now at 33 I am very settled with a man. It has recently occurred to me that I've kind of missed the boat and now I don't really know what to do with that part of my identity.

[@KellyRMinter]

It can be so hard to actualize that part of your identity when the way society sees you seems to "contradict" that. I can tell you that there are many people who identify as bi, live with that information out there, and are in straight presenting relationships. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but you absolutely can live into your bi identity and be very happy in your straight presenting relationship! 💚💚

[@Godsgirlnz]

I'd very much like to talk with you as I am in a straight relationship but been openly bi since 18, now 41.

[@SisterNo-No]

Great video,thank you! I'm just shy of fifty and it feels like everyone is so young.

[@KellyRMinter]

I totally get that. But your timing is YOUR timing. Be proud of who you are and the steps that brought you here! ❤️

[@alexdabear]

I agree. I am 48 and everyone who makes "coming out" videos looks like a teenager to me lol.

[@leahiamhopesulony4997]

43 here and at the beginning stage of the coming out process. All my friends are straight. Thank you for bringing this topic up!

[@kristinabayer3280]

Even though I came out in my mid-twenties, in a lot of ways, I feel like a "late-bloomer Lesbian". I had been in a committed relationship with a then-identifying-as man for all of my adult life and we'd been considering ourselves family, planning to marry eventually etc. etc. Pulling the trigger on upending all of this was not easy. And it left a lot of people, including me, with a lot of heartbreak. It also liberated me to an extent I cannot even describe. Being in that relationship, I didn't even REALIZE how unfulfilled and trapped and uncomfortably-sexualized, while also desexualizing myself, I felt. I LOVE my life now. And I am proud of my bravery

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm so glad you know that your bravery is worth being proud of. It is never way to hurt people you love, that is so true. You deserved to be able toive your life fully and by YOUR rules, and you did that for yourself. 😁❤️💙💜

[@kentwaters5903]

I think what you have to say is amazing. I have seen 3 therapist who were no where helpful or knowledgabe as you. Your channel can help lots of people who have no insurance. Hope you will continue the good work

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm so glad you found the channel! Thanks for watching 💜💜

[@hansmex2116]

Thank you so much this helped me a lot I’m almost 28 years old and I’m finally ready to Come out to the world

[@LE-pq3lu]

That was so comforting and applicable to my life situation at the moment. Thank you!

[@KellyRMinter]

So glad to hear this! 💙💙

[@pinkpinapple1901]

Wow I’m glad that this topic has been made more aware for me. I think this video is great and I think it will be helpful for ppl who might be looking for this exact topic. Awesome work, you. Are me feel valid and your videos have helped me a lot.

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so glad to hear that these are helpful for you! That's the goal, but I don't always know of people are getting that value from them. So thank you for taking the time to share that with me! ♥️💜♥️

[@NosiDM]

I came out a few years ago and have only been in one gay relationship since then. It was intense and a lot and brought me to therapy and we parted ways. As a recent 30 year old, sometimes I still regret not coming out as a teen and having those experiences. But that isn't to say great experiences aren't out there waiting to happen. It's just figuring out how to get them in a post Tinder/Grindr world. I also need to learn that I idolise queer films and books as painting such a positive picture of homosexuality, but as somebody who grew up in the 90's, in a small English town, it just wasn't like that. If I had come out, it wouldn't have been roses. Somewhere in there, I can find a way to reconcile past and present me to make my future just a little better.

[@KellyRMinter]

I love that you are finding a way to have both the sadness of the loss and also the hope for the future at the same time. We are capable of so many feelings simultaneously, good job letting yourself feel all of them! 💜💜💜

[@steevoridgeline]

Thanks for being there ☀🗣🌈🤝

[@KellyRMinter]

Thanks for watching 🧡🧡

[@RedWinter88]

Thank uou for this video! At the ripe age of almost 27, I've realized and am coming to terms that I'm a lesbian. It's been a spiral since I feel like I missed soo much but this video made me feel better!

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm so glad you were able to watch this, then. You are living your own timeline, and that is something to celebrate! 💛💛

[@MarcLabreche1]

thanks for this! it was sent to me through a network of late-blooming dads - amazing folk, too bad we're so scattered around the world! Anyway I thought you were going to take a different direction at the start re "later in life" peeve - i thought you were going to say how you hate that teens don't feel that coming out is an option at all, and are "stuck" building a suppressed life for so long. because that's how i feel - angry and sad and self-pity that i tried to deny it for so long!!

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm glad this found it's way to you! You are definitely right, it IS a source of frustration (and anger, for me personally) that teens and young adults (and everyone!) Are shamed into complacency or denied the opportunity to discover who they are in times where that exploration can cost us LESS, you know? The stakes get higher the older we get. I'm glad you've found a community you resonate with, and I hope to "see" you around here more too! 😁💙💜

[@HaShomeret]

😭 I do have so much catching up to do though

[@KellyRMinter]

So sometimes I encourage people to take a look at the words they use about themselves. Instead of "I have so much catching up to do" maybe it's "I have so much I get to experience now"? Not in a toxicly positive way, just in a reframing so you validate your personal process. 💙💙

[@awakeningoftoni5724]

OMG I'm glad I found you. I am very nervous n this comforts me.

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so glad you found this channel! Welcome! 💙💙

[@cassv5619]

Congratulations on your 50 videos! 🎉🚀

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you!! 😁

[@scrailp]

This. This is such an important conversation. Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope to be that gracious friend if I have someone around me that comes out later in life...

[@KellyRMinter]

Everyone needs that friend! Thanks for being willing to be that! 💙💙

[@pinkymixology4965]

It took me decades. I wanted it to be anything but that. I was terrified and finally outed by an accidental circumstance... a month ago. I feel like I made it to the middle of a mine field and can't remember the steps I took to end up there and can't follow them back out.

[@KellyRMinter]

I am so sorry you were outted. Sharing who you are should never be anyone else's call except your own. And, when you're ready, there's nothing wrong with blowing up that minefield and walking away. Likely those mines were put there by others. When you're ready, toss some rocks, explode some mines, and skip yourself to that beautiful, open field of freedom to live your life on YOUR terms. When you are ready. 💙💚

[@Khalenas_Dream_Recordings]

I'm 49 years old, have always had relationships with men but have never felt truly comfortable with intimacy and sexually have never been satisfied, if anything at all I spent years trying to avoid that side of the relationship all the while telling myself its because I feel unattractive as I'm both overweight and disabled. In my 20s I came close to an experience with a girl who I felt 'tingly' whenever we were together, but I told myself it was wrong and threw myself into a disastrous and abusive longterm relationship with a man. I'm struggling with myself and feeling like I'm just never supposed to feel tingly again and even though I fantasize about being with a woman how do I know its not simply that? Everyday it niggles me now as I'm no spring chicken and what about the consequences of coming out as bi or lesbian? I'm in UK and can't seem to find a place online to chat and get answers... Its tough and lonely

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can tell even through your words here how much this weighs on you. I am sorry that is also becomes an isolating issue for you, as well as a confusing one. Are you on Facebook at all? There are a number of groups formed specifically for women who are dealing with their questions around sexual orientation or identity. One specific one is "Sapphics Unlearning Compulsory Heterosexuality", and within that group there are sub groups. many people in the beginning stages of discovering themselves, at many different ages are finding comfort in some of these online groupings, especially since many people don't find it comfortable to address these questions in person with strangers.

[@shannanboyd780]

I just came out (at 48) after 20 years of marriage, which has destroyed my marriage. I feel like I should've remained in my marriage, cause the pain and depression I'm going through now is just heart-wrenching. I don't know what to do. I haven't yet found a good therapist.

[@KellyRMinter]

First of all, I am so sorry that this process has taken such a toll on you. It must feel so draining (and maybe borderline hopeless?) to have to deal with this alone. I hope you are able to find a therapist soon, because you deserve that care! 💛💛💛

[@brianmccarthy8732]

I always knew I was different. I love feminine things. Started dressing at around 7-8, first time I went in public as a girl was 16. Then used to cross dress in mid twenties. Was supported by now exwife and was considered very passable as long as I kept my mouth closed. Buried many of my interests and kept it that way almost 30 years. Did still do some feminine things. Never even though about being trans. Read a couple articles and examined my likes and thought process. Came out to wife and do not have her support. So kinda in limbo for at least a few months and get holidays out of the way. Brianna

[@KellyRMinter]

Hi Brianna! I am so sorry that the your ex wasn't able to find it in themselves to see you for who you are. I am glad you are working through it, and that you recognize you get to do things in your won way, in your own time. Keep being your most authentic self! 💛💛

[@QamarBradford]

"later in life" vs "in maturity", "in adulthood", "as an oldeer person"

[@KellyRMinter]

I love all of these!

[@jesterr7133]

I am mtf trans, and consider myself bi or pansexual. As I look back at it, things were becoming apparent when I was 13, but I was probably in my early 20s before I accepted or became fully aware of my same sex attraction. Even today, I am more likely to notice an attractive woman, but I am much more romantically attracted to men, though all of my romantic relationships have been with women. Could it be related to the fact that I am trans? Sometimes I'm not sure what the true nature of my attraction for women is. It's very confusing. How can I examine this and get to the bottom of it? Is this a typical thing for someone to go through? What could be causing it?

[@KellyRMinter]

The first question to ask yourself is where is the pressure to identify coming from? If you weren't feeling it, but were free to be attracted to whoever you are attracted to, what would that do for you?

[@idh9395]

Hi Kelly, this is an important video. Coming out in later life can be really tough, and i am one such person, i still like women and actually prefer women's looks generally, however i am predominantly sexually attracted to men (the cuter, the better lol). So i am exiting my marriage of fifteen years (not due to my sexuality per se but due to a breakdown over time of relations with no emotional or sexual intimacy amongst other things) and i am still wondering whether a new start at aged fifty could or even should involve coming out to people and leading a queer life rather than entering into another heterosexual relationship and making it clear early on about my sexuality so as to not be hiding who i am to my partner. It all feels very confusing to be honest. I wonder whether i might desire a same-sex relationship but cannot handle the ramifications of it and the perception of me by others, or whether i might prefer an opposite sex relationship in order to feel comfortable and fit in with societal expectations. I am not even sure how i feel about either scenario to be quite honest.

[@KellyRMinter]

You might not know how you feel about those scenarios, but do you know about *you*? If you took the societal implications out of it, what would your answer be? Putting the implications back in, is that layer important enough to change your answer? Sometimes when we disect the layers of decisions, they are easier to work though. 💚💚

[@jimmycylon9437]

I know it’s a on year old video. But really want to share my thoughts. I discovered being neurodivergent, non binary, trans and aroace during the pandemic. For myself it was so liberating. I’m so happy that my life finally makes sense to me. At the same time, I realized that it was the society I belonged that denied and rejected every piece of me. I have no interest in explaining to anyone. I just came out unapologetically and provocatively (according to them) on social media. My parents questioned me and they felt embarrassed. I simply don’t give a damn. I appreciate those who care, support and stay. Those who apply stigma on me, I consider them non existence. I’m almost 40 and starting new life. At least my work place is very supportive and I got so much of validation.

[@KellyRMinter]

Wow, Go You!!!! I'm so glad you found your voice, and that your workplace is supportive. I am sorry your family felt the need to detract from your liberation and you sharing who you are. You deserved support from them, because the realization of who you are is something to be celebrated and not shamed. 💚🩵

[@brianmccarthy8732]

Exwife supported my cross dressing. Current wife does not support it at all. Starting home laser hair removal and will continue on the path and see what else I can get worked in as time

[@KellyRMinter]

Got it! Sorry for the mix up. Thank you for clarifying! 💜💜

[@lestudio76]

Post pandemic? When was this?

[@KellyRMinter]

Fair question. Given the variety of place people who watch this channel come from, we are all in different phases of returning to "normal". So here, post pandemic simply means the span of time when we are now aware of and working through the pandemic, whatever that looks like where you are. ❤️❤️

[@LadyGodiva7460]

Yay, Kelly! What about "late bloomer lesbian"? lol. I'm glad you said this because I've seen 20 year olds describe themselves as "late". I was like "Whaaa?" My friend and I were having this conversation and I said "I mean what is considered LATE, really?" If you haven't sorted it out by puberty? Seriously who sets the standard? We live in a more accepting time than one or two generations so people are expressing themselves younger-but if you've lived with familial, societal and religious oppression your entire life, you can expect it may take decades to sort through. If ever for some .

[@KellyRMinter]

Tiktok has made this whole field muddy haha. I also think that anytime someone thought they were cishet and discovers they are in fact not, experiences this euphoria about living into who they are and also frustration when they realize that it didn't "have" to be so complicated. I think that makes people feel they are "late to the party" so to speak. But yeah, 30s and beyond has a completely different set of complications!

[@balticstain7150]

Iam came out quite unsurprisingly as a crossdresser but changed to bisexual now at 50 now 61 and married 34 years and come from a church environment . I should have gone to my doctor firstly who is a amazing , but didn't 😠 .....

[@KellyRMinter]

The evolution gone through by people raised in a church environment is hard. Your process is a brave one! Thank you for watching and for sharing your journey! 💙💙

[@JAMIEB22649]

Think I may be bi but I do not comply sure. Knowing what I know now looking back there were potential sines of being attracted to the same sex. Still, back then I did not know anything about bisexuality until much later in life and by then I had been going to church. You know in a lot of churches no sex before marriage which had its effect not to mention this feeling that curves every now and then were not acceptable. and since I am attracted to the opposite sex more often it was easy to push these urges to the side and just embrace my more acceptable ones more. The thing is I do not know if I did not pushes these down Would have just been that I was bi-curious or something more who knows but How do I deal with this now?

[@KellyRMinter]

So, and this is just my opinion here, because sexuality is a spectrum I don't really know that there is a such thing as bi-curious. Many people are curious about attraction to people outside of the cishet narrative, but if the attraction is there they would fit somewhere in the bi or pan spectrums. That doesn't always mean they will end up with someone of the same sex, it just means the attraction is there. The bigger answer is that you have the right to explore whatever you want to (being safe and consensual, obviously). You also are under no obligation to explore things if you don't want to. That, said, the bigger question now is What do YOU want to do? ❤️❤️