3 Secrets To Manage Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) - Matt Gupwell

[@peterisaacmusic]

I have never commented on a KZbin video in my life. At 50, Im only just learning about my ADHD and this explanation of RSD is life changing to me. Thank you so much for your videos and your work. Literally saving lives!

[@ADHD_Chatter_Podcast]

Thanks so much. Matt was brilliant, wasn't he!

[@pipwhitefeather5768]

Me too! at 53. Good luck with your journey fellow sensitive x

[@LinArtzy]

Agree:)

[@glanmiregal6513]

Thank you Matt. Finally someone with something, not only profound, to offer on this complex “disorder” but a sound strategy to begin to manage it. I am so grateful to Matt and to Alex. Keep doing what you are doing guys you are changing peoples lives.

[@okaySam]

Incredibly therapeutic to see educated people openly discuss their experiences with ADHD.

[@justbeegreen]

My mother was never diagnosed with ADHD and reflecting, she suffered from RSD. I am late diagnosed ASD and ADHD (48). There are so many generations of girls and women who never received the help. I can understand why women in my mother’s generation and my generation as well would feel so upset about being overlooked in the mental health industry. Older generations of women have been invalidated and dismissed. The masking is real - trying to conform and accommodate others - but when there isn’t any reciprocity or there is a perceived lack of reciprocity, then I can understand why there is a feeling of rejection. I have also practiced self rejection bc of the many years of masking. I know my default defensiveness is a result of years of being told that something was wrong with me. It’s vital to strengthen compassion - especially self compassion. Thank you for addressing this topic. 🙏❤️

[@emkopera]

Yes!!!! I am the same and I will not let my daughter suffer like I did, if I can help it. ❤

[@elinevandelaar2839]

I have absolutely no ADHD, or ADD, I am Highly Intelligent (IQ143), and High sensitive, and I was raised by narcist parents and severely bullied at school, yet I finally know what's been troubling me my entire life! This is such an eye opener for me! This is me! Thank you SO much for sharing❤ This is life changing for me. And life saving. I felt such a failure my entire life...😢 THANK YOU❤

[@apteryx7080]

It's heartening to finally get some understanding. Wish you all the best !

[@nevilledwalker]

Wow how amazing you’ve discovered the key that fits your lock! You’re no doubt embarking on a journey now. I’ve only just twigged that RSD is inherently the reason behind the thoughts and patterns of behaviour that has created a life long Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which has been so habitual I wasn’t even aware of it until I read Dr Jud Brewer’s book Unwinding Anxiety and then downloaded the app - which has been life changing for me.

[@Lynee5290]

The more I’m learning about ADHD and RSD in particular the more I realise just how it has affected me my entire life, it’s quite debilitating. I’m 68 years old and it just doesn’t get any easier. Thankyou for participating in this podcast, sharing your experience and knowledge on the subject, so very appreciated! 👏

[@butlerns1]

As someone recently diagnosed with ASD & ADHD at 45, these type of discussions help me understand who I am better and reveal why I acted the way I did in past situations.

[@ADHD_Chatter_Podcast]

I'm pleased it's helping :)

[@NiinaSKlove]

Thanks for taking this (RSD) seriously. Because some people don’t, even some therapists don’t take it seriously, some of them even thinks it’s a bunch of bollocks, which really annoys me (to put it mildly.)

[@ADHD_Chatter_Podcast]

It's a big one for me, so I really wanted to cover it.

[@matthewhilty4209]

I have found that the my rage after a RSD incident isn't really rage. It is just easier to channel a different feeling into rage than to feel the actual negative emotion. It seems it is more acceptable to be angry than to show weakness.

[@kiljupullo]

Rage is actually left side of brain taking over.

[@LouiseO78]

Completely relate to this

[@empo1397]

At some point, I started to investigate seriously the possibility of having BPD on top of ADHD because the severity of the crises and their effects on my close relations were debilitating. And then I've read about RSD within ADHD and how some people mistakingly self-diagnose or get diagnosed with BPD. Even though living with RSD is hard, I felt a relief in better understanding myself.

[@Pepperfam]

50% of people have pmdd with adhd and 80% do have a comorbidity but my RSD makes me think I have relationship ocd it’s hard to face it’s RSD because it shouldn’t be that extreme you would think

[@TheQutapi]

This is making me want to cry. I feel this so much. It makes developing friendships so hard

[@vjrobertson4605]

Thank you for these podcasts - literally life changing. Having spent a lifetime avoiding that bowel liquifying moment of perceived criticism, conflict or rejection you’ve given me some food for thought for addressing the matter

[@jennywhelan2707]

I've been diagnosed with generalised anxiety but always believed I have social anxiety. I'm terrified of rejection. Rsd is explaining exactly how I feel. My son has been diagnosed with adhd and autism. Im beginning to think i may have adhd and rsd. Thanks for this video. I dont feel alone

[@Elle1608]

😢😢 This made me cry remembering the feeling of when I went through exactly what he is describing. Makes me feel absolutely horrible and uncomfortable in my own skin even many years later and I don’t think it will ever go away.

[@bexlocks]

I’m a teacher whose entire professional life has been dominated by RSD. Always thinking that I’m doing badly, not good enough, waiting to be sacked. Anyone in authority strikes fear into me. I can barely look them in the eye. Too nervous to have an honest conversation. I am too fearful to read references from employers. I can barely read a thank you card because I just think people are lying to make me feel better for being crap.

[@ankiebroers3441]

This is heartbreaking.. I feel the same about so many things in my life... All the best. You're probably a better teacher because of the RSD making you work even harder for your students. Please be kind and compassioned to yourself. You are beautiful! ❤

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Have done since childhood.

[@justbeegreen]

In the education industry as well - it’s the worst for triggering feelings of not good enough. Especially if you work with toxic shite administrators. I’ve had more negative experiences with adults in the education industry than other industries. I haven’t disclosed ASD or ADHD because I don’t want to be infantilized.

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

@@justbeegreen this is really sad to hear.

[@De19thKingJulion]

​@@justbeegreenYeah! Being infantilised, even being perceived as inferior in emotional abilities is what I think keeps me a bit closed off. Before my ADHD diag, I was sometimes told I'm inferior as a worker than the much younger trainees I share the floor with; knowing that I am performing that way, makes me feel all sorts of sick. It's like all I have going for me is I'm a nice guy. Have you ever found that people turn down their personalities around you?

[@lynnbishop9493]

As a 62yo, and only discovering the whole adhd autism subject on my own, and realizing this is me, I'm very sad about my wasted life of blaming myself for everything but also at other times releaved I'm not alone, respect for the ways I have found ways to cope, then rage at the world mainly my therapists for ignoring the symptoms that are so obvious they stick out like dogs you know what.

[@rebeccahands9895]

oh my goodness someone who is identical to me and my feelings , my heart is full and i can show my husband this video so he can understand because it’s explained in this video far better than i can explain it , what a relief that im not alone ! I get anger i feel rejected all the time i go from 0-100 🔥 once im burned by someone i never go back even if ive totally got the wrong end of the stick.

[@LittlestHobo84]

I was recently in a forum for NHS Professionals. I was asked to speak on a webinar. The dread I felt preparing for it was only topped by the utter shame and humiliation I felt after I received an email saying that I had missed it. I thought it was on the Wednesday and it was on the Tuesday. Thought I was going to vomit when I get the email. I quit the forum and cancelled my ticket to the upcoming conference 🙈. RSD is so real.

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

That's so hard to read but yes, been there as well. And it's all consuming the shame.

[@JnTmarie]

I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you can forgive yourself and realize this mistake does not define you.

[@Fefe559]

I didn’t get diagnosed until 54 ! But learning so much the last few years

[@MrHankor]

Never too late. Good luck! 🍀🤞

[@Mllet3d]

Truly, thank you for this. I didn't know how far down the rabbit hole I needed go in order to find what it is that made my life so difficult. And all the relationships that failed because of my undiagnosed adult ADHD and RSD of 60 years. Although on a happy note I've recently been using a near infrared photo biomodulation red light panel. I use it on different areas of my head and body. As I find that this helps me focus and energizes me in an uplifting and very positive way.

[@justbeegreen]

Funny you talk about juggling. I’m self-taught. I practiced in the bathroom during breaks at a boring office job over thirty years ago. It saved me from the boredom. Looking at it now - it is a form of moving meditation or concentration. I found it very calming.

[@Queenread82]

I’m crying Matt as you are talking about your RSD reaction to coming on the show. It is agonizing. 💜💜💜

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

Thank you. Perception being judged is I believe a hand in hand component of ADHD and made much worse with ADHD

[@jamesmcmahon7837]

Matt you needn’t have feared anything you smashed it 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

That's incredibly kind of you.

[@katm5424]

Thank you so much for explaining this. Late diagnosis of ADHD and no one talked to me about this, I feel that I have PTSD from this and can now work towards my healing.

[@squirrelchaser2651]

Why are so many of us women in our 50’s and 60’s just learning about this? I’m so angry with the lifetime of medical professionals who had me diagnosed with everything under the sun EXCEPT looking at ADHD even though I was labeled “hyperkinetic” when I was in grade school (and given phenobarbital(!) of all things). Why is it I’ve been a medicinal guinea pig when all someone needed to do was help me deal with my ADHD and quite obviously RSD. The anguish I’ve lived with and my family has had to live with is so freaking unfair. How do you deal with THAT anger? Why are women not given the care they need in so many realms? Sigh.. Anyway, sent this to my entire family because Matt might as well be speaking with my voice - it was so affirming and sad at the same time. Thank you for your channel and podcast.

[@ivannastaros3217]

Its really sad and painful that for the majority of our lives we didn't have this understanding. But the reason is that RSD is a pretty new concept that you could say is still in development. Only a few mental health professionals, not to mention doctors, have been exposed to this concept. It isn’t even officially recognized in the DSM yet. I am so relieved and grateful for it being recognized and understood now.

[@dmistry8304]

This podcast episode and many others on this podcast, are helping me to firm my compassionate voice and move through the challenges. These are the things I have beaten myself up about all my life and now I feel seen and acknowledged. Not only that but I see the strengths.

[@MD-ok2oo]

Hi! Your podcast has saved , changed my life as the partner of a lovely person with adhd (but who isn’t taking treatment) I am making notes on all your RSD videos. The RSD is a weekly feature in our relationship and very painful. Thank you for actually addressing this in so much of your content! I feel like you are the only one who does this! But I also feel like I can’t make sense of it all. Like the responses to what he can actually do about it, or how I could better manage myself when it’s happening (I don’t have adhd) - I feel like the advice has been vague or brief That could be me because I’m desperate for answers! Wondering about a future compilation video on all the advice for adhd for the person and for their partner? Or a future video really digging into it for the whole hour Thank you so much again. Your work is absolutely brilliant

[@jobreakstheinternet5100]

I tend to keep my RSD episodes to myself and just withdraw from relationships. I'm not sure how to actually process it out loud because I know it's not the other person's fault, so I don't want to lash out at them.

[@kalliamanoussaki876]

Same

[@AL-lz1hb]

Goodness, this is illuminating. Helping to explain why sometimes you will trigger someone no matter how careful you are and how when you do, it's irretrievable. Ugh the anxiety and guilt!! Yikes! I'd love to explain what's got me boggled but, I'm pretty sure my curious boggle, would be triggering. Good chat.

[@matthewhilty4209]

Hehe mentioning slow talkers as I'm reaching for the playback speed settings. Too relatable.

[@ShaunaMarieG]

I am 41 years old and have struggled with 'life', desperately trying to figure out what the heck is going on with me and find a glimmer of hope. I followed Rox and Rich from @ADHD_love_ to your channel, and it has been life changing. From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO MUCH ❤🙌🏻 P.S. Matt, your honesty and vulnerability have changed my life, and given me hope - you are exactly the person to do this podcast with Alex ❤️🙌🏻

[@crazygreenlady7907]

07:40 my rsd made me literally gasp out loud in sympathetic horror at the 2 couples seated without you....I rushed to an instant negative judgement - it's hard wired.

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

Totally irrational but felt so real as well.

[@Domdeone1]

It unnerved me listening to this. I could drink to subdue this inner voice or mental chatter or painkillers to stop anxiety if l stay in. Diagnosed with adhd when 42

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Incredibly moving and insightful ..much grattitude to u both ❤🎉

[@JnTmarie]

Thank you thank you thank you for the honesty from such accomplished people

[@MagneticNorthbound]

RSD for me feels like an artifact of the comorbidity between the ADHD and OCD I live with.

[@stixsta6007]

Superbly discussed & extremely useful content, much respect 🙏

[@blademaster7879]

I've found with my ADHD when I stopped rejecting the way my brain works and started working with it. Coming up with things for the shortcomings to work with it. My anxiety and depression have dropped off almost completely. Masking all the time just made everything worse. I mask only when appropriate only, basically at my job when I'm in the office. All my friends and family know I have it, there's no need to do it there anymore. Yes, my thought patterns are more chaotic now, yes I act fidget, go on tangents and can't stay on topic. But I'm far more happy.

[@ew4243]

Thanks Matt, super insightful. Loved the juggling story as well.

[@LisaL-bn5ym]

This will be so insightful for many. Thank you!

[@chee60]

In my head..I have a thought that goes around and around...... I label myself as ' not fit for human consumption' I chronically think of myself as a piece of crap that deserves nothing....and it NEVER goes away.

[@annika1025]

Thank you, this was so helpful for me, having no ADHD but severe RSD.

[@kksmusic24]

I have been struggling with this since I was a child. Making mistakes that others seem to think of as simply irrational, that were really severe, and I put up a front of confidence until it gets broken down by an unpredictable wave of slight uncontrollable irrationality

[@dmistry8304]

I'm just realising the insanity of RSD that my poor husband has had to put up with all these years. I wish I knew how to go back and fix the last 40 years. So glad you showed up for this episode despite the RSD.

[@bringitbex]

I’d be the same about that dinner seating too .. 0 to 100

[@jingwentang6768]

Thank you a lot for sharing your experience such as the hotel dinner one and that you only understand it later those moments you were triggered so you quitted jobs

[@NeonDungeon]

Some examples of my RSD are: -Doing an essay with a friend at uni who gave me some constructive criticism about my essay and in that moment making an ultimate decision despite continuing to hold the amount of passion i had for the topic that I wasnt going to complete it. Even though they constantly complimented my talent and knowledge and being far above the rest in understanding which I took extremely well, that moment I knew (from a lifetime of experience) I was not going to be able to do it. - Being on the phone to a utility company and being polite and respectful and telling them my concerns and where I'm coming from and despite everything seeming okay all of a sudden being told otherwise and me having the 'dopamine' from previous research before the call just going...woah wtf and then becoming like a lawyer of justice on the phone. Friends who see this say the switch is scary, justified, but scary. I take this as trying doesn't mean success. Even if its something I dont really care about - Being excited to be around people having a great conversation about something that I'm interested in and I say something and the group takes to it more slower or doesn't know whether or not to take me seriously and I instantly read this and whether i get angry or not, and whether or not they respect me and think I'm great all the other times I'll forever not take that path with them again. Kind if learnt to approach everything with a hint of sarcasm, fill it with some kind of humour so I dont feel that immediate sense of being demoralised. - Posting a meme online and getting negative likes and instantly deleting my account cos that excitement I felt before hand has been diminished and the idea of being criticized into success either fires me up or completely extinguishes me. Which is not the same as not being able to take it because most actual insults and such slide straight off me. Stoic af. Except when it comes to the lack of rewards because of failire and rejection.

[@danielbarnabybroad]

Brilliant. Thank you ❤

[@Queenread82]

If I could remove it or dial it down I would because it is agonizing and it hurts my relationships. I have some very close to ending myself. I have raged at my children. I do apologize but trust was broken. I can take the embarrassment, probably because I had such low self esteem that it just proved my lack of worth. Years of therapy has helped me spot it but it can still overwhelm me.

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

That's what I was trying to say about it.. I'd we could dial it down we would. But it's not within our control in the moment. So it's about the work after, when safe to learn why, what, how and who can help us to better understand our and ourselves.

[@barakpinnon5529]

Definitely helped appreciate you

[@strangeaslife]

The question about whether to apologize is wild to me. We shouldnt use our struggles as an excuse to make others around us feel like crap or treat them like crap. If our struggles have made us treat someone we care about in a way we wish we hadnt, we should always seek to repair that bond.

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

For me it's about bit trying to apologise right there and then. I'd in already in defense mode no apology comes off well. But after the swell has subsided, yes. I advocate apologising. But not for the RSD, for the consequences.

[@Drastic.changes]

One should not have to apologise for a deficit one has. And yes, ADHD, and RSD stems from a deficit. Would you tell a blind woman to apologise for being blind? Then why force an apology where one isn't due.

[@linskis4504]

@@Drastic.changes💯

[@Jay-ql4gp]

Thank you so much!

[@Amazology]

I hate people who think deviations in speed of speech indicate something is unusual and therefore bad. Sadly though this will never change. The human brain seems to treat unusual as bad by default.

[@Techy-fem]

Would be useful to hear his partners experiences re his RSD

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

Frustration, fear, exhaustion, sadness, compassion and more. She's the most wonderful woman but she's had 31 years of my RSD to experience. She's now so adept at spotting it that she can escalate me before I can. I. E the Italy story.

[@Queenread82]

I don’t get angry with RDS. I get despondent. Scary despondent

[@michelejamesmusic]

As souls we were used to feeling one. Now we are here having an individual experience, and it simply feels unnatural. Try to remember you are a piece of rain, and also still a part of the cloud.

[@bringitbex]

That intro cracks me up every time 😂

[@annika1025]

Which gadget do you use while talking to calm yourself, Alex? Thank you for your help!

[@MarieWilliams-t9w]

When we understand that people are too interested in themselves can stop us talking everything personally. And these days people are too busy thinking about themselves. And act like it is all about them. And put their feelings first and will just say and do what suits them. If people show disrespect they lack respect. When we understand that people don't want to loose out. People want to win and gain get things for themselves and can get in people's way. And don't want to loose and be inconvenienced. It's all about what's init for me. If someone asks someone to do something for them. Most people will say no I'm too busy. If people then say I will pay you. They will probably say how much. Then try and get more money out of people. If people say no it's probably because they don't want to do something they don't want to do. These days people won't talk to people if they don't want to talk to people. A lot of people are too quick to laugh at people and to be snobby and tell people to shut up and be critical of other people. Rather than being empathetic and putting themselves in people's place. A lot of people are not sensitive and think matter of factly. They will say I don't care . That is not my fault, How am I suppose to know. That is nothing to do with me. Intelligent people tend to suit themselves and like coming out on top and like to win and not loose. Because they are not stupid to loose. Intelligent people notice stupid behaviour and can either laugh or be snobby if someone says or does something stupid. And can say im not interested in that or want to get rid of people. A lot of people with ADHD can act stupid due to either being late a lot or making mistakes and getting fired a lot of being or being immature and implusive and talking a lot . And oversharing and either talking nonsense that people don't care about. Or say information that might be in other people's interests. Or not saying no and people pleasing, or overspending and being wreckless. Having a rule can help us be more sensible. Think that's not sensible or that stupid can help us not embarrass ourselves more. Staying in what's ordinary can help us be more classy and sophisticated to stop people judging us. Doing whats good for us a lot of us are very empathetic people. Which can stop us doing what is good for us. And we can let people set us up for a fall. And we might listen to bad advice because people are trying to stir up trouble. And one up us because either they are jealous or want to get it for themselves. That's why dont listen to people and do what is good for us

[@mackfin8869]

Super guest

[@mackfin8869]

I’ve lived like this all my life.55 Hard work

[@lilianschafer1418]

I wonder if abandonment melange (quoted by Pete Walker) is different to RSD?

[@EclecticWizard6]

RSD is the worst part of ADHD. I can learn to laugh and the late developement and disorganization and poor memory. But the toll RSD has taken on my personal, creative and romantic life and the amount of suffering and time I will never get back losing to it is really tough.

[@skippy6462]

Where do you find help/yr tribe in the UK?

[@Queenread82]

Oh gosh! Thanks for the reminder I need to transfer the clothes.

[@eerien]

jazz intro and high-density information at the same time... oh god.

[@OliviaClough-o9k]

Whats the guest called again x

[@Amazology]

It's a bit like micro psychotic episode aye ? Like when the dinner table was occupied and you had to come back down. Then there's the danger of self beat up for something that was as inevitable and out of your immediate control as mudslide in a deluge

[@OliviaClough-o9k]

What's his name again? It should be unckuded in thr title as I usually forget

[@Fefe559]

I hate slow talkers! I hate people that have opening music that lasts longer than 2.5 seconds & its boring not good tunes

[@alaia-awakened]

ADHD is wanting to listen to this podcast about RSD but being unable to deal with the breath and mouth sounds of the speaker 😅

[@dmistry8304]

I'm a slow talker but I really hate slow talkers... what's that about?

[@Amazology]

RSD would appear to NT as intolerably Thin Skinned

[@aliasjon8320]

20:20

[@MrGatsu]

It’s even worst when you have rsd as a man because you come across as the “nice guy” and pushover no women wants and gets taken advantage off

[@bringitbex]

I get the most awful RSD

[@glynroberts1128]

Funny rsd is something never gets easier with exposure, only other way is not to get ur hopes up and walk away when things aren’t going your way

[@ThinkNeurodiversity]

For years that was my approach. But the more I Mentor others, talk about and research it I realise that being understood for struggling with RSD is a important and being understood because we're sight impaired for example. We can't change it, but wuthering right understanding we can in time mitigate it more often then we can't. (I appreciate this doesn't stand for everyone, just myself and that I've worked with)

[@glynroberts1128]

A big ask, I think communication and boundaries are very hard with adhd, and also not many videos highlight the issues, maybee one day you could help cover it

[@pwood6532]

Hey everyone..dont forget that humans are just one type of friend. It s unrealistic to get all our emotional sustenance from other humans.Interact w other animals too..cats dogs horses..wildlife.very enriching and calming.My cat never rejects me!