3 Ways Resentments Hurt and How to Start Healing

3 Ways Resentments Hurt and How to Start Healing
Holding onto resentments hurts you and your relationships and ways that might surprise you like anxiety and physical illness. Instead, learn what it takes to heal resentments in relationships. Letting go of resentments start with you! #resentment #resentments #12steps
Time stamps
00:26 What is a resentment?
00:51 Expecting other people to be hurting like we are
01:58 Resentments create separation in relationships
02:59 Resentments create unnecessary stress
03:53 When we hold on to resentments...
04:24 When we hold onto resentments we tend up exploding in anger
04:47 Resentments make it hard to feel hopeful
05:50 How to heal resentments
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Michelle is a psychotherapist, codependency expert, and anger management, specialist. She’s been featured in The Daily Positive, BossMom, Psych Central, The Good Men Project, and Your Tango just to name a few. Her relationship recovery helps people go from relationships that don’t serve them, to learning how to trust themselves and create mutually satisfying connections that work. Michelle loves creating online products and courses on relationship skills, codependency recovery, anger management, conflict resolution, self-esteem, and self-trust.

[@akdollface007]

What really hurts is when you try to talk about your pain and want help and to work through it, but the person won’t listen to you so the resentment starts building up because they won’t see you and hear you.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I know that’s very difficult. Sometimes getting support elsewhere first can help. But talking to the person who hurt you is important ( if it’s done without blame ). Not easy but writing it out can be very effective.

[@ceclay1]

That was my exact thought during this whole video. I’ve told my wife what’s bothering me for years without her changing. That’s what makes the resentment so strong for me.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

When the other person doesn't change, the value is in realizing where the limitations are in the relationship ( I know this is hard ) so you can decide where to go from there. Sometimes that's when counseling can be helpful.@@ceclay1

[@ceclay1]

@@MichelleFarrismft I don’t think it would help because of continual excuses and placing the blame elsewhere. I also don’t think she would go. 27 years have been up and down as normal I guess. Thank for responding though. 😐

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@ceclay1 yeah well in those cases all we can do is improve what we do and hope that makes a difference. I’ve seen this happen many times in my practice where one person focuses on what they can do and it changes the dynamic for the better. I can’t speak to your experience directly but that’s been my experience.

[@NPPREMA]

Thank you for this video. You put things in perspective for me and helped me understand my feelings better. Now I will shift focus from the chaos caused by the narc in my life to things that I enjoy and positive people

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@NPPREMA good for you, I hope you can work through some of the hurt with the steps I’ve laid out.

[@phoenixd9679]

I am experiencing now exactly how “resentment kicks back in again “ more like surrender …. to what I don’t want and I am ignored…… painful mentality and physically 🙏 thank you for confirming.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah those reminders can help us take care of ourselves - again!

[@theglodetrotterty]

Narcissistic families does GRANDIOSE amount of damage to a person! Thank you so much for the video, im in tears because ive been misguided and never go the proper help until this month❤😢 raising yourself and growing up WAYYYYY too fast can definitely develop resentment ❤

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes no one should have to raise themselves - thank you so much for being here!

[@theglodetrotterty]

@@MichelleFarrismft Thank you for existing! ❤️❤️❤️

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@theglodetrotterty oh!!!! I’m happy to help!

[@moonrise2424]

Just stumbled upon your channel, your videos are really eye-opening, been dealing with built up resentment for over 7 years now and it's starting to cause physical issues. So far you are the best ive watched at explaining resentment and what it does to us and how to heal! Thank you!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you, that means a lot.

[@christretch]

I have resentment festering... and I hold on to it because I want to avoid an argument, and I don't speak to family or friends about it because I don't want to speak negatively. I have emailed my pastor to see if church counseling will help get it off my chest (just me because I don't think my husband will be open to it)😢

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@christretch that’s a good idea. Talking it out with someone might give me some clarity and provide support. Good luck!

[@acat8792]

this was really helpful and i related to most of these points. thank you

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I’m so glad! Thanks for watching!

[@jcgurl3773]

What do you do when you have resentment against someone who has dementia? My father never acknowledged my feelings and now he has dementia. There is no way he would grasp it now.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Oh I hear you, I go over this in my 5 step process in my journal. All we can do is our part and try to work through that and still honor how we feel. I've had a similar situation and it is possible to lessen the resentment. It takes work.

[@AFRetired]

Thank You! ❤This video fit my situation to a tee! Looking forward to seeing more of your insights!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks Tim! I'm so happy it helped you!

[@diviya2012]

Most of the points are relatable 💯

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thank you!

[@joshuamorganadams4271]

This rings true... thanks again for the video.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

You are so welcome!

[@raek8940]

This was really good. What is the title of the video to follow this one on focusing on self?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

The next video is 7 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment - not sure that one is the one you're referring to?

[@traweler155]

Huge simplification!

[@traweler155]

Life is more complication than that.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching, this video is meant to get you started. Life is complicated!

[@MichelleFarrismft]

For more help, grab my free Relationship Checklist to assess your relationships! counselingrecovery.lpages.co/relationship-checklist/

[@Tam-yg7pk]

I got forced (blackmailed) into getting an operation that’s left me in constant pain. My Mrs has accepted how deplorable her actions were and really grown as a person- a year out I’m still struggling to get away from the anger and it’s killing us. how can I let go when I’m still sore?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Sometimes it takes time to work those feelings out but it’s worth it.

[@connieroot2586]

So what is it called when we are hurt from expressed needs not being met? These needs aren’t anything special, they are simply respect. Like hiding connections to past romantic lovers, repeatedly telling me he didn’t know how to delete them. Also every time I ask about if he ever plans on marrying me, the answer is always “someday”. Then when I tell him I don’t feel good enough for him because he can’t be decisive about what level of commitment, it’s put back on me, he says “I didn’t think you wanted to get married”. I wish no harm to him for this disrespect, like some people compare it to “drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. This is not the feeling I have, so I don’t think it’s resentment. What is it?

[@MichelleFarrismft]

I'd suggest talking this through with a therapist. There is a lot here to unpack - and some possible red flags. Talking it out with a professional will give you more clarity. Sorry, ethically I can't counsel here because I could do more harm without knowing all the facts and the only way to do that is in a session.

[@rosieb471]

Did you ever consider the problem to be Narcissism?

[@NPPREMA]

​@@rosieb471 yes, I agree with you. I too see the narcissism red flag clearly.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@NPPREMA that’s good!

[@connieroot2586]

@@rosieb471actually I have. He definitely has narc traits, but I do realize that to be diagnosed with NPD, the actual disorder, is rare. He willfully goes to therapy himself, so this one fact, tells me he doesn’t have the disorder. Childhood trauma and traits of narcissism, yes.

[@roberttweten]

Wow been ruminating for over ten years…and now it’s physical…

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yeah that’s really common. It’s hard to carry that much pain so it can show up physically. I’m sorry - I know that’s painful. Next week I’ll share some strategies for how to start healing. Hope you come back for it! Thanks so much for watching - and sharing.

[@roberttweten]

@@MichelleFarrismft I may need to get help to see through the story…moving through that fear and resentment…it’s tough though with the gaslighting…trusting myself again

[@steveholmes3945]

Absolutely 💯

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Thanks for watching Steve!

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

I speak to people in my apt building and they won't even answer me

[@MichelleFarrismft]

That’s rough…all we can do is our part.

[@lolabrini3758]

it's been over a year now i've had anger and resentment over 2 people that seeked me out to backstab me, smiling as they did it, and then had the gall and audacity to claim they are victims that i hurt them when it's them who not only hurt me but seeked me out to hurt me, all the while smiling at me pretending they cared, just so i put my guard down. Im deeply hurt and i never spoke up, i just cut off communication with them when i couldnt take it anymore as they continued and continued. Time hasnt healed my wounds. Do you think it will help me get over what they did if i write a long letter to them, listing all the willful attacks and backstabbing they did while they thought i was unaware. Almost few months now im debating if i should.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

If it were me I would instead focus on dealing with the resentment- finding ways to heal and learn whatever lessons that painful situation could show you. It’s important you find ways to heal this so you don’t carry with it in the years to come.

[@lolabrini3758]

@@MichelleFarrismft i think it hurts deeply because they are family members who ganged up on me: an aunt and a sister. I will do what u said on your channel: i will write out my thoughts in a journal, unfiltered and in detail. I hope it brings me closure. Only my mom i told and she believed me as they both also backstabbed her. But when i said to her "i think it's time I call them out on it", my mom said "no dont, what do u hope to accomplish? they obviously wont apologize, and you will create more dissention between you. Just move on and forget about them." But i cant move on. What they did over 3 months keeps popping up and i feel pain and hurt all over again when i remember. It's the smiling that is the worst, the fact that they would smile to lure me into a trap. But God saved me from their traps. But i am still very hurt they attacked and tried to hurt me many times with increasing gravity, plotting and planning, until i couldnt take it anymore and i left and never spoke to them again for a year now.

[@lolabrini3758]

@@MichelleFarrismft thank you for your response and your advice, i enormously appreciate it. And for your helpful channel content. I cant imagine how many people in the world your advice and insights help heal from trauma. God bless you and your loved ones and may He reward you greatly for your good deeds. Take care.

[@MichelleFarrismft]

@@lolabrini3758 yeah it takes time and sometimes specific help to heal family relationships. I know it’s painful. Hang in there.

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

Im lonely and depressed

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

It hurts that I don't have 1 friend I just need to relize that Jesus is my only friend

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Please consider getting some counseling, it could really make a difference. :)

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

What if you feel resentment about the angery and hateing democrats in your apt building. They hate that you drink coffee out of a Huckabee cup or even a cup from the church you go to.i know that God will make them answer for this someday but it hurts that they can't just except my views on politics and even thay im Lutheran

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Sometimes avoiding hot topics like that helps to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

Im just so fed up with the angery and hateing democrats in this building and in this country

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Anger management is about getting control of our thoughts because that’s the only thing we have control over. Pick them carefully.

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

Anger and hate is so wrong that the democrats have in their hearts and all of their evil is wrong

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Yes it’s best to stay away from hate. It only hurts.

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

I just live like a hermit I'm tired of people hurting me.most of the people where I live are democrat I'm tired of the democrats anger and hate

[@MichelleFarrismft]

Hang in there, I hope you find some support and connection. It’s so important. There is a powerful saying in 12 step programs…Live and Let Live.

[@user-ug5wc5ru8l]

I just need to just not be around the angery and hateing democrats here in my apt building. They were glaring at me when I brought my Huckabee cup to have coffee and they were even glaring at me when I drank coffee out of my church cup that's just how angery that the democrats are