4 things you can do to support your transgender child: A tribute to my dad

0:00 intro
0:52 a word to the parents
2:14 let's get into it!
2:50 - love
4:27 - belief
5:50 - what can you offer? (belief continued)
7:57 - honesty
13:00 - process
16:00 - you can get there & outro
When I came out to my parents it was the culmination of decades of soul-searching and worry and fear and shame. The conversation was difficult in the sense that so much was riding on it for me: to a certain extent it defined how the rest of my future would look.
This video is dedicated to the parents of trans folk - and partners as well as you might also gain something from this. I'd also like to give my dad a shout-out as he's been just wonderful over these past several months.
I'm sure that if you're the parent of a child - even if the child is in their 40's like me - and they have come out, you are feeling so many emotions, but you are also wondering how you can best support your child?
I'm going to talk about my own experience and discuss what 4 things have helped me the most since coming out and starting my transition.
If there's something I've missed or something you disagree with, please do comment down below. I like to encourage healthy discussion. Parents, if there's something more you need or have found useful yourself, please do let me know so I can share it.
I have found these resources to be of use:
• My Adult Child Identif... - this video is a call-in from a parent who's daughter came out as transgender
• How to Help Your Trans... - I really appreaciated this video from a trans person giving their take on what they gained from their parents.
/ @drzphd - this channel has a lot of very good advice and guidance on a range of trangender topics
genderdysphori... - I will always recommend the dysphoria bible in case anyone is questioning or needs more info on what dysphoria means.
/ asktransgender - there isn't a huge subreddit for parents of trans folk, but r/asktransgender will typically give solid advice. But be mindful this is populated by transgender people not their parents.

[@csa_countryball]

Hey, I commented a few months back about issues I had accepting my trans nephew. All is going well, thanks to your videos honestly I've been able to accept him more and I feel like our bond has grown as I've broadened my own knowledge, so thank you again. Please keep up the good work, if your content can bring even people like me, who hadn't heard about transgender topics until two or three years ago, to understanding and for the most part accepting it, then you're doing a brilliant job. All the best.

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi, Yes I remember your comment, and I was wondering how it was going for you. I’m so happy that it’s going well ☺️ that’s great for the both of you; I know it must be difficult for you sometimes, but you’re absolutely not alone there. Thank you for your kind words; they were the perfect way to start my Sunday. That’s made my whole month ❤️❤️ Please do return to let me know how it’s going - I’m hoping for the best for both of you! - and if there’s anything you’d love to understand better and you feel you can’t ask your nephew, I’m right here 😀 Have a great day, Andy ❤️🙏🙂

[@Sussex_Seagull]

How do I support a child that will be given blockers after a 30 minute consultation and in their 20's there is a 70% chance they are not trans but gay and sterile?

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi, Thanks for your comment. I have to be honest it took me a while to decide whether I'd let this past the filter or not as I am not convinced it's coming from a genuine place. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Firstly, and this is something another commenter rightly pointed out; the first thing you will need for your child is appropriate and adequate specialist care. In the case of children, it is essential that they get access to support quickly and can get the right treatment for them - whatever that treatment might be. That could be counselling, it could be medication, it could be none of those things. Functionally though I would argue that believing the child needn't mean accepting what they say at face value. However, believing that what they are saying is important, that they need support and help, and that you should be there for them throughout that process remains true regardless of if the child is trans, cis, gay, straight, atheist, or Christian. I can't speak to a universal experience, but I can say that from the point of view of trans folk in the UK, it takes years before you even see a specialist, so as for the notion of a fast turn-around, I'd be curious to know which country or context you're referring to? Also, I'm not clear where you're getting the '70% chance' from. A review and meta-analysis of 27 studies and almost 8,000 patients who had undergone gender affirmation surgery yielded a regret rate of less than 1% (www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8099405/).

[@Lana-in1sx]

I'm 54, it took me 40 years to know lol. My opinion is children should not be taken down the actual transition path, but they should be believed and given support until they are legally adults. Also well said, mistakes will be made so we should stay calm.

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi, Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment on my video. I hope that you are doing well and thriving after learning about yourself. The 'children transitioning' matter is a difficult one, and I explain my perspective further in other comments. I think we certainly both agree that they need appropriate support and love. It is sad that this is not the case almost anywhere. Have a great Sunday, Andy ❤️ 😊 ✌️

[@nancynancy6685]

I truly don't want to be disrespectful or invalidate your journey. As an older trans woman myself that did the work even before coming to a point of socially claiming spaces, I can't understand why you feel so entitled on making trans-related content when you're JUST in the beginning of your transitioning. I would recommend everyone to learn how to be patient. Literally feels nowadays that everyone comes out as trans and next thing the camera is recording. I'm not saying this is your case however I would wish you would actually have some experience before talking about things that you don't have any idea about and avoid any harmful behaviours towards yourself or the trans community. peace

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi, Thanks for your comment. You make a very important point and I hope that I can address it adequately. I've always felt KZbinrs to be a bit egotistical at best and there is maybe something to that: "what makes this person special enough to feel they have something worthwhile enough for me to spend some time with them? Why do they feel they are expert enough to inform me?" So I do understand where you're coming from with your comments. I have to be clear that in my videos I'm talking about my experiences, and when I'm not I try to draw on where I'm taking them from. I try to always make it clear that these things are based on my own life and understanding, and call on the audience to add to whatever I might have missed (which I always assume is a lot). Maybe I don't do that constantly enough so if I've missed a point where that was the case, I apologise and will strive to do better. I only really started making these for myself and for friends and family who might find these useful; I never expected to get even a fraction of the views I get. It's truely unbelievable and I didn't think that people would be interested in listening to what I have to say. I thought it would be good for me to not only put onto video things I had only every thought privately, but to put it on a public forum as a kind of validation of those thoughts - not expecting to be seen or watched, but just to 'shout into the void'. I realise that might sound a bit blase and careless, but since I've been attracting more attention, I am trying to make sure I do the due dilligance in my research to make sure I'm not too far off-base. This video for example draws on my experience and other sources (some of which I reference); but I also do acknowledge that it's far from complete. I never set out - nor do I seek today - to be a mouthpiece for trans folk. I am a mouthpiece for me. It's up to the world to decide if what I'm saying is of interest or value. I know that there are a lot of gaps in my knowledge - I call this channel 'transgender education' because I see that learning as going both ways; I have much to learn as well. I welcome feedback and input from all corners to improve my own knowledge and understanding. That being said, I do need to push back on a couple of things you said. First I would argue that while I am very early in my transition, this is not a subject I have 'no idea' about. It's formed a core part of my identity for as long as I can remember. I'm not an expert on all trans folk, but I am an expert on my experiences and my point of view - and that's what I talk about and discuss. I'm sure you know as a transgender person yourself, transitioning is only one possible stage of the journey we find ourselves on. Many of us don't even make this choice - or get to make this choice. So I don't think it's especially fair that you use my transitioning as the metric for my experience. As for knowledge, I've been reading, visiting trans spaces, and learning about us, our history, and our experiences for years - decades really - and I don't think I'm particularly unusual or different in terms of how I have experienced things. Yes, books and theory are a far cry from lived experience but that is why I'm sharing mine and why I encourage others to chip in. If there are areas where I have made an error or have mis-spoken than I encourage you to correct me. This isn't a challenge from a position of believing I'm right by the way; this is a genuine request. I understand the importance of getting things right and the only way I can do that is by involving people like yourself. Thank you for your comment, I do hope to continue this conversation. Have a great Sunday evening and a good week. Andy ❤️ ✌️

[@nancynancy6685]

@@Andy_trans_education Dear Andy, not to offend you but you can't really believe that anyone has the time nowadays to read such a longggg message. appreciate your time to write it and just from some points you tackled, I feel some naiveness and don't take it personally, being naive is kinda cute but what's the next step should be the question. simply, you can't expect people to acknowledge that you're making these videos JUST for yourself, this is not how social media work. also, you may think that you have enough personal experience but i'm here to kindly tell you that you objectively don't because you have been only transitioning for a couple of months. and being to trans places or reading about it it's not to be compared with identity alignment. and a blessed day to you

[@Andy_trans_education]

The length of my response is because I understand the importance of nuance and striving for clarity when that is so difficult in this type of forum. I also try to respect anyone who comes into my comments section with reasonable intent: they have taken the time to watch and comment, so I like to return that in kind. I could say more, but honestly, I don't really think it will make much difference as it's fairly obvious you have no intention of reading what I write or give me the benefit of the doubt - or even provide me with the benefit of your own experience. You have clearly made up your mind about me and that really is a shame.

[@teamrose]

@@Andy_trans_education Your long answers are actually appreciated by some of us. You do you!~ You have a lovely personality and a lot of intelligence. Are you transitioning from male to female or visa versa? I honestly can’t tell who is male or female half the time anymore. I think trans should be for adults over the age of 18 personally. How does a child know what it means to be an adult anything without achieving adulthood?

[@teamrose]

@@nancynancy6685 OMG you go out of your way to address this creator and they address you the best they can with as much detail as they felt your question deserved and you complain about how long it is? OMG some people are impossible to please…

[@crazycatlady7143]

I have a question: How could a trans child (an adult trans child) could get family members to know that they are trans, if these family members are more close minded? How could he/she prepare her/himself? What can I as a parent do to support him/her except with love and a good listening ear? What do you think or experienced? Thanks a lot! 😊

[@Andy_trans_education]

It's a difficult question and situation, I can't speak to my experience, but I'll share that of someone I know. He's FTM and came out to his parents several years ago. They live in a village in the UK (this doesn't mean everyone who lives in a village is such, but it's relevant later). When he came out to his parents, they didn't take it well. His dad in particular felt embarrassed in front of the rest of the people in the village - they all knew each other's business, so word spread pretty quickly. His mother had something of an emotional breakdown immediately after coming out. This was obviously very difficult for this trans person - but also, of course his parents. It has been a long, slow process, with counselling and talking and crying, but they are now in much better place. His parents have accepted him for who he is. The parents still live in the village, but be moved into a town to get away from the gossip and comments from his 'neighbours'. Now I'm not saying that this is a typical example (nor is mine). But the point I want to make is that it can be long process for everyone. The immediate response to coming out isn't necessarily an indication of how it will always be. But sometimes it is. Ultimately, each trans person needs to think about the way they will approach coming out to the important people in their lives. This should be done with guidance and advice to help prepare you for those conversations. Support can give you an opportunity to role play different situations, or to prepare yourself mentally if things will go wrong. My worst experience in coming out was to my ex wife. I knew it would go badly, but funnily enough dealing with transphobic stuff online prepared me for what I might hear and steeled me for the worst (it was worse than the worst, but I held myself together until I got into the Uber). Other things than being a listening ear, maybe taking some initiative would be great: I would love it if I was surprised by some kind of affirming 'thing', for example a make up tuition session or waxing appointment. This is me though so don't just do that - learn if there's something your child wants or needs (there's sooooo much stuff that needs to be done) and arrange it for them. I find having to organise everything myself to be exhausting. Oh, and volunteering to go with them to appointments without having to be asked is soooo nice as well. They might actually prefer to go alone, but the offer shows you want to be engaged and involved through the process. Little things like that really make a difference! I hope that helps ❤️ but that's me, and I'm sure other folk coming here have much better suggestions. Andy

[@crazycatlady7143]

@@Andy_trans_education Wow, many thanks for your detailed answer. We also live very rural, but me and my husband, we both don't care what people think. However, I hope very much, that he/she gets through all the coming outs with more strength. I am glad, that his/her best friends have been very openminded and supportive. Your idea of roleplaying situations when especially family members don't react positiv at first, is a good idea. Many thanks and have a nice sunday evening 🌈🌞

[@Lana-in1sx]

Separately, if I'm correct about your father's beliefs....and I'm not asking to know....he's following the true teachings. If I'm wrong I apologise

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hmm... I'm not sure if I understand. I can say that he is a Christian in the UK - I was also raised in this religion. Thanks for your comment 😊 ❤️

[@Lana-in1sx]

@Andy_trans_education I was talking about the Christian v Pauline argument. Either way I don't mean to offend

[@roberttaylor2279]

Allways respect your parents because one day they wont be there.

[@Andy_trans_education]

… and if they are unable to accept their kids for whatever reason? Kids are not the property of parents - respect works both ways.

[@crazycatlady7143]

Me as a parent of a transgender child, let me tell you a big "THANK YOU" for your videos! 💐🌞🌈

[@Andy_trans_education]

Thank you 🙏 ; it's great to hear that you appreciate these videos. If there's anything that you would add to this - this was just a short introduction to the topic - please do add these in. And thank you for clearly being a great and supportive parent. I'm sure your child feels so loved and supported; we all need more parents like you ❤️ All the best and enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and have a great week! Andy 😊 ❤️ ✌️

[@marti7343]

Love is the corner stone of most organized religions. Trans people are no different in receiving G-d's love and needing love from people. But, so many religions are anti-trans because much of their ideology is based on interpreted mythologies taken as the word of G-d. Many religious folks would claim I just do have faith. The truth is having come out as trans has given me a greater chance of finding a satisfying spiritual life. If you do not come to terms with gender, IMO it is nearly impossible to know G-d. Believing we are trans! Not only can this be a struggle for other people, it can be a struggle for trans people themselves. The idea of feeling fake comes to mind. It is hard because being trans is an experience. Our reasons for being trans are so different and even after years of analysis, you are never really sure about them. In my case, I know what I feel now and on some level always felt. I am trans. I meet all the DSM criteria for having dysphoria. That helps convince me that I am not just making it up out of some kind of mental aberration. It is a condition that can be diagnosed and dealt with to improve life. As far as other people are concerned, I certainly thrive with their support. Frankly, though I do not really know how much they get about being trans and believe it as another expression of human diversity. I hear again and again, a person really cannot understand what it feels like to be trans unless they have questioned their gender. Maybe it is my internal transphobia, but I think many people are still not quite comfortable when they identify someone as trans. What I do hope is once a person gets to know someone who is trans they realize we are very much like most people. Andy, you with your videos in fact are helping to make that happen. I think it important to make a distinction between when an adult comes out to relatives, including parents, and when a kid is showing signs of being transgender or claims to be the gender different than their one assigned at birth. Andy, you do a nice job describing good ways to respond to an adult coming out. However, for children, there are numerous other concerns; Allow your child to explore, do not be judgmental, talk to them. let them express themselves, deal with your feelings of anger and disappointment, get professional help etc. Also, what is key to remember is your child may or not actually be trans. They may not be heterosexual, they may be influenced by friends and social media, etc. Remember the point is to uncover what is best for the child. If the child is actually trans, help them to find the best way to live the rest of their lives in their true gender. Actually, a majority kids will decide they are not trans. With guidance, let them uncover for themselves what they actually are and affirm whatever that turns out to be. I must mention, in the case of adults, informed consent should be the guiding principle. While everyone questioning their gender should explore carefully what is right for them, as adults it is our decision alone to decide what is best for us to live happy lives. Andy, thanks for addressing this topic.

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi, As always great to see you! As always thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. I agree with most of what you said - especially about seeking treatment and professional guidance. I know I left it out my video and maybe I should have included it in the section about 'process'. But then I need my commentors to add something as well! And I'm glad you picked up on the 'belief' thing - I just recorded a video going into that very topic in a bit more depth, it should be released in 2 weeks. I look forward to getting your feedback on that one. I will, however, slightly disagree - or at least expand on - what you said about the difference between support for adults and that for children. First of all, I'd be wary of anyone going to the "it's a phase"/"maybe they are being influenced by the internet or friends" notions. It could be that, but then again it might not. And besides I would contend that the actual 'output' or approach should be funtionally the same: First "I love you", second "I believe you." Now, I didn't go into a lot of detail on this to keep the video under 30 minutes, but 'belief' doesn't mean 'acceptance'. You can absolutely believe that what this person is telling you is true for them right now, and it's so important they are willing to have this incredibly difficult conversation. I would argue that getting into a drawn out conversation about 'where did you get this idea from?" (which is the natural progression from that idea) will only make things worse and set both people against each other. In fact, it taps directly into the trope of 'trans people are deceptive' that I've spent all week researching! Love, then belief, then honest conversation through a process - as you rightly said - mediated through a professionally trained therapist to arrive on the best course of action and support for the child. I don't think we're 'disagreeing' here, but I just wanted to add a bit more detail. By the way, it's occurred to me that I've called you by your user name a couple of times, but I wonder if you'd be comfortable sharing a name I can call you by? No pressure - I know this is a public space, but if you want to disclose privately, I'm screening all comments now so you can tell me and I'll delete your comment. Or not - completely up to you :) Have a wonderful weekend, from a blisteringly hot and stormy Warsaw, Andy