5 Signs An Avoidant Cares

[@0Demiyah0]

Summary: 1. Give you time 2. Offer their space 3. Give their resources 4. Willingness to solve issues 5. They will apologize I would personally also add 6. Introduce you to family, friends, colleagues 7. Consistent communication and initiative to set dates Reflection: I personally test Secure for a long time now, but I resonate with having an FA leaning DA style as my dominant insecure attachment. I've done 5 years of therapy and deliberately exposed myself to situations out of my comfort zone to overcome my blocks. I feel very confident in myself and expressing my emotions, boundaries and needs, as well as knowing how to emotionally differentiate, regulate and soothe myself. I can lean AP in relationship with someone who is very DA, but ironically - and I say that because it seems so rare - it is in relationship to a rather "extreme DA" that I healed to SA. This "extreme DA" gives me very consistent signals of caring and loving me. 1. Give me time - he wants to see me 1-4 times a week. He calls once or twice a week. He texts me every day from 8-9am almost to bedtime. 2. Offers his space - it took a long time before he trusted me with his space, because he was embarrassed of his living conditions (he lived with a cluttered hippie hospice), eventually we lived together for a while and I could also enter his "mancave" and play on his console if he was gone. 3. Give their resources - in the beginning phases he always paid all the dates like 80-100% of it. Zoo. Concerts. Dinners. Movies. Museum. Icecream. He also let me borrow his stuff. Now it's a little more balanced, but he will stay pay around 50-70%. 4. Willingness to resolve issues - even if every physical sign in my DA's bodylanguage screamed he wanted to run, he has addressed difficult and sensitive topics that needed to be resolved, and always emphasized he wants to build trust. 5. They will apologize - it's definitely not his strongsuit, but he will apologize from time to time. 6. Consistency in communication & setting dates - I think my DA's strongest way of saying "I love you" is through how consistent he is and how often he takes initiative. Very unlike most experiences with DA, I barely ever have to take initiative. It's 80-90% him who texts me first and asks when I am available. 7. Introducing to friends, family, colleagues - Avoidants are notorious at keeping every compartment of their life separate, because they don't want to deal with the emotional struggle and shame if things do not work out, and might also realize their family is dysfunctional. My DA eventually asked me to join a family vacation for me to meet everyone and he also allowed me to visit him at work and party with his colleagues. If you wonder how it got to such a level of stability with me and my rather extreme DA; 1) never chase them 2) patience and grace 3) untangle your own storytelling 4) acknowledgement & appreciation 5) soft and judgement-free vulnerable communication

[@mylovelyman2]

Beautiful! Live this. I am early on this road. But concur fully with summary.

[@Katc83]

Love your insight! If I may ask, are you the masculine or female energy in the relationship?

[@0Demiyah0]

@@Katc83 I have a stronger feminine energy in the relationship. I think that AP-energy is quite masculine energy. Then you're constantly feeling the urge to chase, fix, set dates, make plans, initiate phonecall etc. So it was healing that AP-side that helped me elevate my feminine energy.

[@gypsypath1]

Thanks; this was a really great summary and good examples of what you see.

[@waniedayu]

Do u think u can tolerate / be patient with your DA is bcoz ure previously FA leaning DA? I thought I was secure, until I met my DA partner I noticed I became very anxious 😖 I feel like it's hard for me trust him & like he's hiding things from me

[@lammiyuh]

It doesn’t matter if they “care” until they care enough to change their behaviour and seek help

[@BetterLoveMovement]

THAT PART!!! 🙄🙄

[@inspiredx3866]

Exactly. My ex is an avoidant. I'm glad I've learned alot about this stuff. But I can't change her.only be empathetic from Afar.

[@IamCoachCourt]

That’s what we’re trying to accomplish on a smaller level here

[@georgeelder8415]

They can, "get help", by showing up and contributing, which will happen in time.

[@beasmarty]

thank you- i needed this kick in the pants

[@KeiyaHood]

I’m in love with an avoidant. This is the only channel I’ve found that truly speaks to his nature. He is not narcissistic at all. He does not behave manipulatively. He is very kind and generous. This is my first time learning and understanding attachment types so it felt like he lost interest. For the ladies it can be hard because we wrestle with insecurity and need more validation and if that’s what you are used to being with a DA will throw you way off. I will not make excuses for his behavior and he is not the only person I’ve encountered that does this. I feel blessed to know it wasn’t me it is just how they process their emotions. ❤

[@iamlife1111]

I’m also in love with an avoidant… I previously was anxious and co-dependant and honestly this entire relationship ( 3 years together, 1.5yrs as best friends ) has taught me to become secure. Unlike most women who say “ Leave them, don’t get involved, block… I’ve learned to heal, and better myself because my attachment wasn’t healthy either. Love comes in many shapes and sizes. Sending you strength and patience on this journey. Your person is lucky to have you ☺️

[@scottgodkins2017]

@@iamlife1111 super glad to read this comment. This is the way I hope it would go, but not the norm, I’m sure. Why would I want to get into relationships knowing the stress I will create for someone. A part of the reason I’ve stayed single for a long time at this point. Love the way you worked through it.

[@michellepackman1484]

I agree and it is so hard to see these sweet scared people get constantly attacked.

[@chasz8487]

I'm also in love with an avoidant she initiated no contact

[@joannegild8001]

I CAN put up with withdrawals but I ask that he TELL me he needs space. He won’t do that and I find a hard time accepting just a sudden disappearance. It feels like abandonment.

[@Mermaid03_03]

How long will he is usually deactivate for?

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Thats because it is and they are COWARDS

[@show_me_your_kitties]

​@@Mermaid03_03Deactivate?? 😂 wow they really are robots 😂😂

[@Katc83]

Anxious conscious fear is abondonment while unconscious fear is intimacy. Avoidants conscious fear is intimacy & unconscious fear is abandonment. 🤯

[@lanadellhatestheclock3325]

​@show_me_your_kitties that is the term that is used.

[@MeeCee5204]

I am a DA and your list rings true. My boyfriend is also a DA, but he is a little more hardcore with it than I am. Even still, we are perfect for each other. He understands why I am the way I am and I understand why he is the way he is, so there is absolutely no complaints or conflicts. We see each other once a week, talk on the phone a couple times a week, never text and only go out once a month. We've been together almost 4 years and I couldn't be happier 👍🏽🙂

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks for your insight ❤️

[@r_and_a]

thank you for sharing your experience 💜 i'm an FA in love with a DA & so grateful we're both becoming more secure individually as well as together thanks a lot to me learning about attachment theory, lol

[@gypsypath1]

@2:50 I’m really glad you mentioned “especially avoidants who have been alone for a while.” I’m the anxious one and the guy I’m interested in sometimes has a hard time adjusting his schedule/activities to include me, but neither of us have been in serious relationships in many years. I hadn’t considered how hard it must be for him to come from a place of not trusting anyone and being used to being alone for so long to shift enough to try to make space for me at all, let alone consistently. Thanks for that insight!

[@Jennifer_Leigh1]

I have been with an avoidant for 4 years and he hasn’t changed. He’s still like this, it’s very hard to deal with.

[@charlottescarth867]

You're very understanding and empathetic, thanks for not demonising avoidants. I was avoidant and after therapy, I'm anxious, on the way to secure. Thanks for your perspective.

[@abigailmacaria7717]

Well put! And yes for some of us it is a process moving from one to another to another in our healing. I very much understand what you wrote and appreciate your expressing it. I am now at secure with very rare anxious moments. But it feels so incredible having arrived at secure. It's taken me a lifetime. But so very, very worth it. I too am glad the video is not demonizing avoidants. It is how I survived at a certain stage in my life and I hurt a lot of people and was so very appreciative the day I felt the pain I was causing others and made amends where I could. But then it was next on to the pain of switching seats on the Titanic and I felt my anxious attacher showing up as I began selecting avoidants. That was pure hell for me. (No wonder I went full avoidant early on is what I often thought!! But I refused to shut down and go back and glad I didn't as) over time I finally arrived at secure.

[@sheliasmith2884]

I almost got mad seeing this I was in a 2 year relationship with one his actions never lined up I made more effort he gave very little. The thing is I don't care how much they show it it will not last because they are afraid of it.i was bitter but you helped me to heal along with Rc Blake thank you .never again will I deal with a person like this they love you on their terms they do not need to be in any relationship you're going to end up hurt.

[@sunbeam9222]

Why do you mean by they do not need to be in a relationship?

[@anaespino1345]

They want love from afar.

[@SamanthaNelsonRedHead]

​@@if7363shit, I don't want to be enmeshed, dealing with drama... Etc... But I don't want to be fucking abandoned either. He disappears at the first sign of rough seas and that's typically at the times I need him most. It's insanely selfish and just looks like he's a "fairweather" friend... Not MY MAN. I got shit to do too dude. I don't want no one being clingy. But there's a difference between someone who loves you and just has shit to do and an asshole that's selfish and immature and incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.

[@javierlandaverde4108]

This comment. I don’t know your situation but it does sound like you have anxious attachment and need constant validation and attention. You might have scared him and over beared him with a lot of stress and anxiety trying to fulfill your needs and once he felt his space was taken away he withdrew as an avoidant. This is the tale of two ways both people can learn about their insecurities. For anxious is more about being patient and learning to cope with your anxiety on your own. Don’t try to use your inner circle all the time to validate yourself or for attention or even make your love decisions. For the avoidant, need to learn how to be more consistent with expressing love. You can’t just whisper to yourself “OMFG, I love this person but I’m afraid to tell her I love her” “She might leave me” “I don’t know what do “ “ I have so many problems in my life and I need to fix before giving her that attention”. Avoidant from distance without knowing seem very calm and cool, brave and adventurous so might come off secure. Taught from early age how to be independent and keep there emotions to themselves. Once in relationship they haven’t learn how to express love. Need to be patient and create a safe space for them to come out to you. Once they are secured with you. Stay loyal.

[@AlessiaGrajales]

when I love someone i RUN AWAY more

[@markdeal7783]

I truly did have love for my avoidant but I can't live like that. My late wife was more anxiously attached like i am and we made it work and we were eventually securely attached. I need someone to attach to me and make me feel like i matter to them. I've also learned to self love and fill up my own cup first before i expect someone to fill it up the rest of the way. Protect yourself and your feelings and needs first! At least ive learned from this experience what I DON'T want in a relationship!

[@arankagionetti2098]

If you want someone to love you you have to give something to love!

[@blaria95]

It’s so sad that there are people that just always deny their basic needs of , or valid felt emotions. No sane person asked to fall for a robot. We fell hard only because the DA showed signs of care, vulnerability, etc, and nowadays I KNOW not to date anybody with emotional immaturity or bad enough issues.

[@robinverleyBerkshireHathaway]

It’s all on target! Nicely done. I just discovered attachment styles and I am shocked to find I am a dismissive avoidant, but it explains a lot. My way of dealing with arguments is to shut down, but then I can write it all out when I am by myself because I just can’t come up with a way to talk about my feelings when I am in an argument. I then can present it in writing later and try to talk it through at that time.

[@mswr3351]

My partner seems DA to me.. we had fight on body shaming..I got upset and said many things to him. He did apologise but after that he shut down.. he felt detached .. he didn’t sleep and fell sick I was shocked to know this later.. So I just left him and gave space As u r DA, can u pls tell how will he feel attached again and by when According to your experience

[@shamayim2001]

I'm an avoidant and he is right we usually don't like to talk about problems that are not resolved because it takes energy out of us. And as per anxious attachment style they too are selfish because they care about themselves and the attention they are not getting from an avoidant . I personally do apologize to people that I care and love all the time.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thank you for your insight 🙏🏾

[@timweedon2785]

There's nothing selfish about that. You're supposed to give the person you're dating attention. Avoidants are garbage people

[@michellepackman1484]

As a recovering anxious person, I get what you mean - we are preoccupied about what we feel we are owed because we feel (even if it's just feelings from a past wound) that getting those things tells us we are loved and safe, and therefor (I don't know how to explain this), like literally EVERYTHING will be okay. (I recognize now that this is a thought pattern and has nothing to do with reality). As an avoidant, you guys are preoccupied with being blamed, so you often think partners are blaming you when they're trying to work more as a team. This is also completely a thought pattern and doesn't have basis in the present reality (even if someone is coming after you with a bid for accountability - the direness of it.... the EVERYTHING-ness of it - is an illusion). You guys feel (I'm trying to learn) that you are so afraid of feeling like you can't get things right and that you'll inevitably disappoint people. To you guys, that's really devastating and hard. My take-away finally, after many, many years of work, is that both people essentially fear showing their deepest selves because they fear it will be rejected. So despite the differences, at that very, pure-hearted, core fear, we can share an understanding: we all just want to be loved, finally, for who we are.

[@robertshewchuk4255]

I find that showing love by "doing for others" is a preferred way of saying I care. The problem is that it is considered by many to be a surface way of loving people that does not get to true intimacy.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks Robert

[@VaronPlateando]

since when is ‚true’ intimacy something ppl. can be entitled to !? or that can even be assumed judgement for, related to sbdy. else‘s very perception !?

[@ForageGardener]

Acts of service is one of the 5 love languages no less valid

[@michellepackman1484]

"acts of service" is my top love language. I definitely feel appreciated when people show up for me and take care of practical things. You have to develop a 6th sense of the meaning here, and to me, THAT's the part that is the insecure attachment piece - in a "healthy" bond, you don't have to speculate about meaning. When avoidants say something like "I normally don't do this for anyone but I do this for you", that's their way of trying to convey meaning so that their partners don't have to -- this is at its core a very healthy gesture, but because it's not totally distilled into vulnerability, to an anxious person, it can sound like someone coming from a place of concentrating on what they're owed (it sounds like a bid for respect to my ears "you better respect what I've done for you or else"), which is a more common emotion for anxiously attached people, so that's what we grasp. But what they're really saying is, "I am choosing to put faith in you and take a risk with my heart - I trust you in a way that completely scares me - please don't hurt me". It took me so long, about a year, to understand this. This gets lost in translation because as anxious people, we constantly put our heart out - we play the numbers game where they keep their cards very close, so emotional risk doesn't really compute with us. It's so hard to convey meaning between the different style because the wounds behind anxious and avoidant attachment are so different. Abandonment, weaponized guilt and broken trust vs. weaponized shame and blame. Our inner emotions were manipulated by our parents in such different ways. We are blind to the other's pain and have to develop completely new concepts of pain. Being there for your partner and growing as a person is like learning a new language - it's that hard.

[@jamie-r2034]

5 signs an avoidant loves you... 1. All of a sudden he/she will ignore you, all communication will cease and you will wonder if he/she is alive or dead. 2. When you are with them you can tell their mind is somewhere else. They are always moving on to the next thing even when you are right in front of them. 3. You can't bring up any emotional topics, ever. 4. They will make you feel alone... and eventually you will be all alone. 5. They always come back. Usually acting like nothing is wrong... it may be a few days, a few months or a few years yet they always come back. Remember: They love you 🙄😂😂

[@lifeupgradescoaching5560]

I wish I knew this in 2022. But it’s great to know that my DA does care.

[@gutderby7419]

I am living proof that the dishwasher comment is pretty relevant and realistic. My DA ex broke up with me after a fight following a domestic dispute in his place. I was truly puzzled at the time and it hurt like hell because I couldn't understand him at all and made up an explanation about me instead. But over a year later, I can now see he was dealing with his own feelings and they had nothing to do with me, in spite of the pain that followed. Thanks to attachment theory I have been able to forgive him, let go of the story and move on. Your work matters, man ❤ and no, that does not make someone a narcissist.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks for the comment

[@georgeelder8415]

I get it. What else was going on and for how long? There's more to the story...

[@gutderby7419]

@@georgeelder8415 I had unknowingly been crossing enough of his boundaries that he didn't feel safe to share with me, so he hit a wall that reminded him of his long held feeling that he wasn't fit for relationship

[@georgeelder8415]

@Gut Derby. Understandable...

[@gutderby7419]

@@georgeelder8415 are you a DA yourself?

[@DezRN]

Actually in my experience, I avoided securely attached people and continually picked narcissists. From what I understand avoidants often times pick toxic people.

[@martinakorinkova5746]

Avoidants are not about their ego at all. They don’t absolutely have a problem with apologizing. Avoidant doesn’t equal narcissistic. The core issue with being avoidant is having a fear and feeling uncomfortable with intimacy. It’s because they had been hurt by caregivers or one of them when trying to get close to them. It was happening for very long time that it’s burned into their brain having someone close to you means danger. Until they don’t know they are avoidant they think of themselves constantly what is wrong with them engaging with narcissists as it feels so familiar. Once they found the truth everything starts to get almost harder than before because they realize they can work on themselves and change it. However it would almost take replacing their brain with another one as they just don’t know how to do it despite of tons of KZbin videos encouraging them to do it. It’s constant battle. However they are very empathetic people not wanting to hurt others no way.

[@daxter7913]

After 11/2 years, this finally confirms that he does not really care. He apologizes a lot, nearly all communication is texts, haven’t met a single person he knows, etc etc. Classical. Can I continue? No. He always says he’s ‘trying’, but not really. He works almost all the time (or so he says), then he’s got his ‘game’ buddies. No room for me.

[@sherrymshephard-massat5929]

Tell you what you do. Do not call him, do not text him. Let him come to you. He will. He will wonder what happened and where you are. Do the 30 day no contact during which time you should get as involved in your life and your support system as you can. Heck, take up meditation, yoga, crochet, dance class, get into your career, anything. Let him feel what it's like to not have you there wondering what the problem is and trying to discuss it with him. JUST DONT CARE. After the 30 day no contact, shoot him a short text just to see what you get back. When you see or hear from him, do not ask him one single question. Keep it light. Be your usual gorgeous, wonderful, charming self. Flirt your behind off and when the date is over, do not contact him. When he contacts you, and he will, wait before you respond a few hours. Calm down. Let him see somebody new is in the house and when you get yourself and the situation back under control and he starts acting like he's serious about you, that's when you can hit him with the 'lets look into some counseling' line. If he's serious about you, both of you can go to counseling together. If he isn't down for that, then it's time to go. Try it and see. I've done all of these things but separately and not in the right order, but they all, individually, did what they were supposed to do. I have a date with my ex next month. I put it that far off so that I'd have a chance to get my outfit together and ramp up my daily workout. By Christmas, I intend to be wearing a ring.

[@daxter7913]

@@sherrymshephard-massat5929 hey. Thanks so much about your reply. Absolutely right: I blocked, unblocked, ignored, teased, kept things light, sent pics of smiling me on the continental divide with another man … & yes it’s worked!!! Actually TODAY was our first date. Even though he was visibly sick with the flu, he appeared, spent most of the day together, doing things he’s never done before (in our local hood), paid for lunch etc…..it’s like a man let out of a (mental) prison…. this is summer #3!!! And, the best of it> he thanked me for it. Really need to wonder how some folks live their lives

[@jamie-r2034]

That's crazy! My girl broke up with me by a text after 12 years together! We're both 42 as well. I told her that breaking up with me by a text was one of the shittiest things she has ever done. I was more hurt by that than anything else she has done over the years. Thanks for helping me to validate this is a common thing with avoidants. It's been a cycle for years. When she starts the love-bombing, it always sucked me back in (literally and mentally. haha). What guy doesn't want to feel loved and have fun sex?? Then 6 months later, it just dies off and leaves me wondering what I did. Glad I'm seeing it's not actually something I'm necessarily doing wrong.

[@ajreyes5641]

My current avoidant lover literally took me out to lunch after breaking up with me and then called me to have breakfast next day. Then, during our second break up, he called me up two days later to see if I wanted to drink a few beers. Next thing I knew, we’re back together! That’s when I realized there is something off about my guy and found out why

[@IamCoachCourt]

Sounds like strong FA behaviors

[@lesleyhughes9461]

Yes we do return to issues to try to resolve them

[@Amy-ys2od]

I found this channel today and the information from Coach has taken a one year load of my shoulders! This man is everything.. but the getting cold for no reason and even after whole one year of being in a relationship he will not say i love you out of his mouth he will do everything , he loves me even with my child who is not his but lack of my understanding i was constantly fighting to communicate with him and he will not open up, now he is deactivating and i feel so hurt that i will loose him for good!

[@maristella287]

Thank you. I am listening. I am Anxious and seek healing and don't think I can take the Avoidant any more, but I will listen and learn hear.

[@maristella287]

And learn here....

[@elizabethparkes1581]

They are all signs correct coach! Well done!

[@theriway5798]

So recently female DA broke up with me after an argument 2weeks ago. Said she didn’t want the relationship anymore. Right before that she had displayed all of these signs. We have not spoken since. Haven’t tried to honestly. Toughest break up ever because she unlocked my emotions as we bonded.

[@IamCoachCourt]

It's really tough

[@clarkethedark]

@@IamCoachCourt I am currently going through a bad breakup with my avoidant gf of 8years (both women and our longest relationship), past year she became withdrawn and I didn't know why, I didn;t understand all this stuff before, unfortunately. She cheated on me with somebody who paid her the attention she craved, then after a year of being mentally checked out and defacto depressed and drinking beer and taking pills every day, she wouldn't talk to me at all about this stuff...after trying everything to fix things, I gave up and I said I wanted to break up, even though I didn't, I just wanted things to work... 2 weeks later she vanished and a week later I found out she is in another country with a guy she fooled around with 5 years ago for a month or so (who used to cut himself) when we also had problems and said she wants to be with him, week later I find out she is moving there with him and engaged after this short amount of time. I'm devastated...I wish we could have worked things out, but now I understand what is really happening a lot thanks to your videos too. She's displacing and masking all her pain with this new distraction, that makes her feel safe. Supposedly he worked a lot on himself and he's helping her work through things, but I know what a bad judge of character she is (often high hopes then gets super disappointed by people over and over) and 5 yrs ago she ran away from him while he slept, cuz he was threatening to kill himself if she left him and now he proposed to her after 2 weeks of being with him, so I wonder how much he has really changed. She also said, she doesn't really know why she did it, that it felt right and also that she is not over me. She seemed better, cuz now she has all the dopamine she's been missing so she thinks he's what's right for her, but they don't even really know each other... I've been hurt and drained by this, so I don't think we can get back together, at least not without a lot of therapy, but I still really care about her... I worry how this plays out... it's been a month since she's been gone, I saw her last week when she picked up some of her stuff, she seemed ok on one hand, but also very uneasy, but she wouldn't say much. I know she's not in touch with her feelings and could change a lot in 3-4 months.... she appears to have changed, but I understand now it is not really a change, it's her exact MO and she has no real control over it. Always escape escape escape, anything to feel better, cuz she is never able to...not really... not for long.. I wonder if she will come back or not... she's gotten herself into a crappy situation here once she realizes she doesn't actually want to be with him and is in a foreign country with all her stuff, where she doesn't know anyone... What do you think will happen?

[@TreasureSeasons]

thank you - yes - I've been in a relationship with an avoidant for almost 6 years -

[@michellepackman1484]

"The most basic of all human needs is to understand and to be understood"

[@IamCoachCourt]

@@michellepackman1484 facts

[@desertangelfish140]

This ex gave to everyone equally. The experiences I had with him he had with everyone else also. He maintained a circle of extremely low vibrational people where he was the ring leader. He positioned himself to be the "go to" person in the neighborhood.

[@chisomoffor6877]

I knew definitely my avoidant loved me but he also hurt me in the process ,at some point it felt like I was in his space when he is the one who invited me , he said terrible things about me and hated that I knew his flaws and accepted him. He wanted women who saw him in the light of being a secure person thereby cheating on me and deactivating so badly. But my dumb self still stayed out of fear and validation

[@joannegild8001]

But we’ve been together for a couple of months now, and I know he loves me. He just doesn’t give me words or hugs and kisses enough. Even so, I’m pretty happy. He’s reliable and generous with other things, and I love him. So yes, what you say on the video is accurate.

[@asian82]

Update?

[@joannegild8001]

@@asian82 Its coming up on two years now and we are better. I’M so happy, but it still takes work. When I tell him what I would like, he immediately assumes I am blaming him. So I calmly and patiently say, if I feel this way, that’s on ME. I’m being open with you. You will know how I feel, and if you choose to do something or not do something, that’s up to you. And try a little humor. He does want to please me, and he usually comes around.

[@santabala6314]

My avoidant is rich but stingy, he apologized for dumped me but just texted me twice per week, when we met again he was nice and payed everything, He insisted for two years but I rejected him, then I gave him another chance,I put limits on him, now I don’t know what to think. He are going to call me again, or just disappear again. If this weekend he ghosts again, I m done!! Period

[@Bcrec297]

She told me "What else to you want...I give you 80% of my free time !!!"

[@celticqt22]

I think you made some really truthful valid points and I really enjoy listening to your videos I have an avoident that I really adore and he is super regimented he doesn't go out of his routine except extremely rarely and so it makes it hard for him to accommodate or to meet me part of the way. He will sometimes squeeze me in his schedule but it's gotten rare I am not really sure how to approach him with the idea that if he wants to truly be friends solidly and then a relationship he needs to spend time with me. Tell me how to get to that step or how to approach that step with him

[@SamanthaNelsonRedHead]

I'm sorry but honestly, even avoidant people make time for those they care about.you deserve someone who knows your value. Take the hint. I'm going through the exact same thing so... Just saying.

[@SS-in1ts]

I broke up with someone over loading the dishwasher wrong 😂😂 I was 20- and it was the straw that broke the camels back. If I didn’t question the relationship then the dishwasher thing wouldn’t have affected me to that extent.

[@therealkeinemoniker]

my ex gave me all that, im still confused as to why things fell apart but she shut down hard and started putting out this narrative that we didnt even date very long , 2 years first became 6 months, and then just 3/4 months in her head in the last irrationally hostile email she sent me. and when I'd correct her on dates shed say some shit like "YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGH!" well...i usually am but I own up to my shit and apologize when i'm wrong, i wish she could.

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

My avoidant friend spend 1-2 days with me, I can be in his house for the whole weekend, but then we don’t see each other for a week or two , and doesn’t like to write text messages. When I am there. He loves to live alone, he loves his area to be clean… but i am anxious and I think I made him afraid because I spoke about the relationship, and I was running away after a great weekend 😢 I hope he understood me, because he knows I am anxious and full of emotions. One week gone , I’ll give him one more, and then I text him.

[@MsWithoutNick]

How are you today?

[@KeiyaHood]

Are you still together

[@teenyafrombim8642]

Giving space is the hardest part. He will come back if you can hang in there.

[@jonathanksineleyan7262]

I don't know why but my gf is an dismesive avoidant, quiet bpd, and INTJ

[@sbeth82sc]

Great vid

[@Crescent_Moon_Rising]

I'm a DA been together with my FA husband for 24 years. We're secure with eachother, but I think my DA behaviours reach more to other relationships. Lack of trust, I think I become secure after long periods of time being able to feel safe and trust another person.

[@EternalLove.1111]

My DA called me lazy when I didnt fix the bed the way he wanted...for example, he wanted me to put sheet on and put pillows on top of sheet wheteas I put sheet/blanket on top of pillows ..I said to him stop putting me down just tell me how u want to fix the bed...he told me and after I fixed it the way he liked it

[@marciasloan534]

🎉U R making a difference

[@raoulcabrera863]

Hello Coach, this is my experience with a young DA lady. I am an old male. Age difference 24 years. 1. Give you time -- Yes definitely, lots of it when attraction is high or when my help is needed 2. Offer their space -- No, I am not welcome in her home due to "lack of space". 3. Give their resources -- Yes, offer to help and support me in any way. 4. Willingness to solve issues -- Yes, talk and fix issues to their wishes, of course. 5. They will apologize -- sometimes, but won't apologize for one-sided relationship issues. 6. Introduce you to family, friends, colleagues. -- Only to family. If I push for an introduction to close friends, the relationship is over. Probably fear of shame due to our age difference. 7. Consistent communication and initiative to set dates -- Yes, lots of communication and no problem with dates or initiation thereof. Thanks for your video.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thick you for your insight 🙏🏾. Happy Holidays!

[@Kneineriffic]

Omg like flipping the toilet paper is a trigger for the avoidant.. As long as it's in the bathroom is the most important thing to me.

[@KeiyaHood]

Yes. They will apologize❤

[@marciasloan534]

I don’t want “ things” I want them.( him)

[@SS-in1ts]

Why does compromise make avoidants get defensive or feel controlled or not good enough?

[@SS-in1ts]

Love this !

[@iam.thuglife]

Thank You.. ♥️✨🙏

[@teresalopez5683]

Im still married to a Avoidant. Been separated for 2yrs now. Hes in a rebound relationship now for 1yr.He always still shows me signs he still care. He says he doesn't want a divorce yet .im working on myself n going no contact. We got back together for 11 months but separated again when i found out his rebound relationship. He's so confused so im giving him all the space he needs. Together 10 yrs married 6 yrs now.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Well congratulations on being used and strung along for so many years.

[@M72398]

I think you have to divorce him to take back your dignity, respect, and value. It’s hard with kids no doubt. But you deserve love, respect, loyalty, etc. your kids will treat you the same as he does as they age. To maintain healthy relationships with yourself and your kids in the future… divorce him and date again when you are ready. If not, you will suffer a lot pain now and even more in the future.

[@Thehayzebrand]

As an avoidant I think it's bs because I apologize all the time and still see no appreciation for that fact. Not only do I apologize but I work to change the unintentional behavior that caused the situation. My issue is that the anxious partner never considers how hard it is to see them blame me for what seems like everything and not take any responsibility so if they don't see their faults why would I point them out? Just so we can argue more and spew more feelings all over the place? That doesn't make sense to me we can't both but upset and expect any solution. There behavior upsets me a lot, and the way I deal with it is to go to the other room and breathe. It hurts to think that I can't make space when emotions get too high. Like in order to prove i love them i have to cry with them? Crying is not comfortable for me. I make the space because I'm exhausted dealing with the expectation of being kind and not having anyone reciprocate that niceness. It can be a lot to be asked to solve everything and in the same breathe be asked to just listen and not solve anything as well it feels like im being lied to often because of the mixed signals they send me. 😅

[@VaronPlateando]

well… whatever masking | mitigation won‘t close the essential gap. sincerily: may you be as fine as possible, in continuation.

[@menas9123]

Your emoji at the end is really giving “avoidant” Thank you for your comment, sounds like it’s coming from my DA directly lol, helped me understand a few things

[@dorotakasa5791]

@@menas9123 oh,my, you're so right on this one! I (FA) talk quite a lot with a DA friend. Whenever a more vulnerable conversation happens over a txt, nearly every single comment on their side will be followed by a laughing emoji. It was really confusing for me at the beginning so finally I've asked directly if they'are actually saying something funny that I don't get or just trying to make their statement insignificant? I've been given an answer: "The latter I think" ...and radio silence for a few days.... (this happened b4 I have discovered the attachment theory so the silence really baffled me).

[@anllvr]

Flinging around word "toxic" is kind of toxic behavior in itself, but nowadays so many people do it. Without empathy. Avoidant people do have that, it's not like with narcissists, that can't take other feelings into consideration. And it hurts to hurt others. And all that, because somebody close broke that trust, and made someone avoidant. It's a trauma rooted in deep hurt, neglect of caregivers etc. By being judgmental, condemning and calling someone toxic and not knowing all the suffering someone has gone through is pretty cruel.

[@IamCoachCourt]

You’re hung up on the words and not the behaviors my friend

[@Ephesians5-14]

So if my boyfriend leans avoidant.. makes me wonder if hes emotionally available and ever wants to more serious, won't talk about relationship issues or relationship goals... but he does these things you have outlined, can I trust that he's trying to let me know he loves me? And is serious? Even though he pumps the brakes every so often?

[@tinafreeman6245]

Also it affects their children.

[@ichannnn98]

the thing that i know the avoidant love me is he can talk about his deepest secret for a long long hours and the day after that very intimacy night after when we kiss ...he just simply dissapear.. i wonder whats goin' on?? day by day i feel he is far away but he still show he cares by making plan to meet, to deliver me to station when before christmas holidat, book the hotel for me so i dont need to go that for to station. for normal people, this is very normal but for avoidant, this is how he show his love

[@IamCoachCourt]

@@ichannnn98 seems like he truly cares

[@ichannnn98]

@@IamCoachCourt but we broke up now, he is the one who plan about the broke up at 31st December 😂 i said "how it can be so cruel broke up on new year's eve?" he said "but after breakup we still can meet, dinner, hangout it just not as a lover but as a best friend... and after break up i will still come to you on the weekend" i was just like "whatttt??" wtf a guy who want to breakup but still doing everything like we still a lover, he only dont want to label it as a lover or couple. he really afraid that i might be ask for more serious status like a married

[@sukiarts]

To all DAs and DAs partners, how long do you/they usually take to come back after pulling away? Or even deactivating? Would you reach out to them? Or leave them alone?

[@show_me_your_kitties]

This "deactivating" term has me 💀😄😄

[@deeholmes9743]

Somewhere around 3 weeks because I stopped initiating contact first.

[@lanadellhatestheclock3325]

​@@show_me_your_kittieswhat else "has" you? 😂

[@abigailmacaria7717]

Agree!! @@show_me_your_kitties 😄🤖. Love your skull emoji for this. 👍

[@asian82]

I eventually had to give my avoidant an ultimatum. I told him that no one is ever too busy just to text... I know he needs his space and I don't expect him to text everyday but since I told him we usually don't go more than three or four days without at least texting. He usually calls me once a week. After finding out about attachment styles, I myself is a anxious, I have learned how to stop being "clingy " and was able to give him boundaries because I believe we should both compromise. I don't feel that we will ever be in a community relationship and now I'm okay with that. But after almost 3 years of this I was definitely ready to walk away.

[@JupiterWaltz]

Long story short: I was dating an FA for over 4 months, she has all the traits but i learned it too late. She cared of me, she did all the signs you mentioned in the video, and i truly cared for her. In the beginning of the dating she said that she needs her time and space, and so i let her time and space. She said that 2 times a week for her was a ton to see each other so i let her decide the pace of it, and i told her that for me was good. She also said that 4 months were not enough to know a person. She let me sleep at her house once in a week because she wanted to. I told her that we need to communicate in person to resolve minor issues and to not accumulate inside the problems. She texted me a lot in those 4 months, and for a lot i mean everyday and even 7/8/9 texts in a row and around 200 images in total, quite often she would "disconnect from the real world" and did accept it so i did not bother for a "longer" reply. I accepted as who truly was and i also told her that. She said that i was running too fast (i said that i cared about her like after 2 months in person, and she replied she needed time to open to me but after she said she cared too) and maybe have high expectation about this dating but i assure her that was just only my being and i did not have any high expectations. We continued to dating, i did not present her to my friends after 2 months cause she told me she did not feel it so i also accepted it. Never i obliged her to do something she did not want to do, or pressured her saying where she was or with whom. Unfortunately one night (i did not speak to her for about 9 hours, this never happened in the past, speaking about evenings and nights) and i was so worried about her well being, she told me she was out and will come back home as usual, but was radio silent. So i texted her "hey, are you safe and sound?", no reply, after 20 minutes i called her, still radio silent and after 10 minutes i texted her "i'm really worried please answer". Well, that escalated quickly, in the later phone call she told me that she was thinking tell me something for quite sometime and wanted to do it in person, she told me that she cared about me but she wanted her space, so in a calm manner i answered that was okay and i respected her decision. Few days passed and she texted me she wanted to talk, i agreed and we met each other. She apologized for her manners that night but did not feel to continue the dating. I told her my point of view of the dating using "I" statements and in the end i told her i respected her decision. First "discussion" we had in 4 months. Now 11 days passed and i'm still in no contact. I don't know what to do, please i need some clarity.

[@LovingMe732]

Sounds similar to my situation. Loving a DA is challenging. But you can’t help who you love. Time and space is the best option. When or if you message her. Be cordial and no mentions of. Relationship or heavy matters. More so to say hello, you crossed my mind, etc. Let her remove those uncomfortable layers. To avoid her withdrawing more.

[@JupiterWaltz]

@@LovingMe732 So yesterday i saw her best friend and she gave me my stuff back and i gave her hers back. I told her about how i felt about this dating and she also said something. She said that panic attack was the trigger, but now she is very very calm because i gave her space and i was calm, soft and collected at the "talk". She had past trauma with her last relationship, she lived in symbiosis with her ex and she always hanged out with him and his group of friends. She was scared that she might fall again in this. She never knew any of my closest friends by the way. She also said to me that my ex dating really really enjoyed this dating and that in my ex dating point of view we had a ton of COMPLICITY. It was a great great dating and she felt great. When i said at the end that i was open to talk to her again she immediately said: "well you can send her a message next week, not now because she knows that we met each other this week". She even told me: "If you think it's worth,you should definitely give it a shot" and "don't jump instantly saying you want to fix things, just some light messages. Remember also to stop messaging her after 3/4 text of her, answer back after a day or two". I was delighted hearing this. I answered back saying: "if you said to stop and not try to reach out to her i would defenetly not try, but you are saying this so ok". She insisted in trying. Next week is around the 3/4 weeks of no contact mark. Is it good that her best friend told me these things?

[@janelle2262]

she might not be great at communication but I think the message was clear when she told you she didn't want to continue, and you said you respect it. this time it might be best to focus on processing your feelings after the break up

[@lzestrara1518]

My first thought is: Be glad it only lasted 4 months. Many people have felt the same pain you're feeling now, but for much much longer. My second thought is: It sounds to me like you need to get in better touch with your own wants, needs, and boundaries. You describe how you let her dictate the pace of growth within the relationship, while giving up things that felt important to you, such as acknowledgement of emotional connection within the relationship, meeting friends, seeing the other person on a more frequent basis, and probably more. I would suggest that your challenge moving forward should be to honestly discuss these desires with your next girlfriend. Those conversations can become important litmus tests for the kind of person she is, how she handles conflict, and her ability to accommodate your happiness in the relationship. What I learned after many years with a DA is that being honest about my needs and expectations is critical to the health of the relationship in two major ways: First, it enables you to care for yourself. It builds self-respect. This will make you feel happier and more content in the relationship, and will make YOU a better partner. It will also make you appear stronger and more stable to the other person, which will make you more attractive. Second, the other person needs to know your standards so they can try to meet them. You're actually depriving that person of the chance to grow and to meet you halfway if you never communicate your desires or expectations. This also has another added benefit: if they can't or don't want to meet your clearly communicated standards, then they'll probably let you know. And then you both will know early on that it's not a match, and you can keep searching for someone who WILL want to meet your standards and help you meet theirs.

[@HustleHabit]

@@lzestrara1518 Well said

[@Aliyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Thank u

[@Imhotep397]

LOL….😂 😢😂😢 You loaded the damn dishwasher WRONG! Get out!! Pack ya shit up and get out!

[@IamCoachCourt]

lol

[@Manglor824]

Be careful and don't do anything wrong. Lol

[@abigailmacaria7717]

Been there done that at least once if not three times with the dishwasher!! 😂 The silverware placement and large plates completely scattered gets me every time!! So ended it!! lol. But that was decades ago. I've come a long way. I've learned to just thank them and turn away and get focused elsewhere quickly. I so get it though!!

[@VaronPlateando]

polemics / rhetorics. for sure that wasn‘t a root cause but just the final swap or even drop before flooding. but yeah, keep on clapping own shoulders.

[@thescooterhomie3677]

Hi, my name is Silas and my ex broke up with me. they are the avoidant person I think a dismissive avoidant after we broke up 1 tried to talk to them and find out why it a happened. They said was because they need to work on themselves and they said that their anger was coming came they did not want r me to see thats side of them. this was my first and there was first relationship in person with someone. it was both of ouri first longest relationships it was for 8 months. Aftert the break up we talk fora I Litle they said they wanted to stay friends but then one day they said think we should stop talking for a a while and that hurt and scared. me. they ended up blocking me on everything I ask my mom if she can ask them if there is a chance we can be friends or if they move on to tell me. what they said was they don't want anything to do with me and wanted me to move on. later that night I sent a message thinking they wouldn't be able to see it because they said they blocked me on everything. I was mad and it - was wrong for me to say what I said. I said "fuck fuck fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. you never cared and you just fuking used me so you can make yourself feel better I and left because no one else had the balls to tell all you did was lie to my face and yourself so fuck you I wasted my life for you and that's sad I put every ng into that 8 relationship just for you to go nah im bored fuck you. I did everything and you didn't do jack shit all you wanted was a dumb like me to fallfor you". know is probably the a worst thing you have heard. i did not mean to say that I still care and love them very much and want to make things right want them to come back but I am ried they won't because of what i did. I really want to make them happy and be with them I want to make them feel safe but feel ike i lost that and that their trust won't com back. Ilove them so much. They were the first person I felt happy with I could be myself I want them. I don't know what to do so can you please help me? how can gett back or is there no hope thank you have a nice evening

[@livinmylife5025]

I need some help! I’m a female, later 40s. My avoidant is in his later 50s. I’m an introvert who has fallen in love with my avoidant. It’s been 9 months and he says he doesn’t want a serious relationship. I don’t want to live with anyone. He feels the same way. We spend at least one day out of every weekend together, since we’ve met. I’m not sure if he likes me a lot or if he actually loves me. HELP SOMEONE!

[@IamCoachCourt]

Reach out to me on my website

[@livinmylife5025]

@@IamCoachCourt ok

[@RaisingZane]

I’m a DA. Sounds like he loves you. He gives you time every week! Relationship means pain and disappointment. Of course we avoid that! We can’t handle any loss of ourselves. We depend on ourselves to rescue us. I don’t like saying “ I love you”. That comes with automatic OBLIGATIONS we can’t fulfill perfectly so why go there? We don’t do certain things for others because others will then lean on us when we feel everyone should be independent. I figured out I don’t let anyone into my decision making. That’s invasive and controlling to me. I need solitude to take care of me. I was sent to my room as a child if I cried. HTH

[@IamCoachCourt]

@@RaisingZane I would love to have you on the channel!

[@RaisingZane]

@@IamCoachCourt I’d love to!

[@damalewis9277]

.... until they decide they don't care anymore and walk away.

[@IamCoachCourt]

I mean, is that just an avoidant action?

[@show_me_your_kitties]

​@@IamCoachCourtNo, but this is the subject, is it not? You sound like one yourself. Always deflecting, never owning anything.

[@IamCoachCourt]

@@show_me_your_kitties i see why most creators don’t engage in the comments, constant misdirected anger

[@show_me_your_kitties]

@@IamCoachCourt No. Just be real. I know tons of creators that engage freely.

[@IamCoachCourt]

@@show_me_your_kitties be real about what? I’ve openly talked about my attachment style many times.

[@bruceboyer8187]

Ok she is zero for five!! That's part of why ahe got angry and I said AOk😅😅😅

[@louiseemssy]

Is an avoidant similar to a narcissist?

[@IamCoachCourt]

Not at all. Avoidants are people with attachment wounds. I feel any attachment can have narcissistic tendencies.

[@KeiyaHood]

No. A narcissist will not show you any empathy. They play mind games and have a moving measuring stick. Most DAs just get triggered and need space to recenter. I can see where the line may be confused but a narcissist will never apologize. If they do it will be a fake apology. I just want to reiterate they have A LOT of rules and conditions that are odd.

[@natalieclairezaloumis2174]

Isn't it strange that we think our personal attachment style is BETTER/NORMAL & doesn't need working on?😂❤ Avoidants are no worse than others

[@IamCoachCourt]

There is always room for improvement

[@hsamzsd]

it's true though. If you do not have a secure attachment style or working towards it, you are objectively poorer partnership material

[@bruceboyer8187]

Time for me??? Noo

[@gal2727]

1:56

[@VaronPlateando]

well… what I register in this comments section is quite an enormous lot of self-righteous NT-ish emotional-ISTIC polemics / rhetorics. and I don‘t feel like having any of that anytime again close in life, in un-controlled fashion. senders of alike won‘t even be let into zone of interaction-based complaint. not registering loss relatedly, but be it as it may. to me, the list suggested in video seems to make some sense in graduation, while still being somewhat ‚academic‘ (as per above).

[@BedlamsSon]

DA been living alone my whole life: 1. Accurate. My time is my own. I decide how to spend it. 2. Fuck. No. MY space is MY space. You don't get that unless you've a gun to my head. And even then pull the trigger before moving in. 3. No. That doesn't mean love. Resources and support should be practical. It's time and effort spent on NEEDED support that shows love. 4. Hate conflict. HATE emotions in a conflict. DESPISE the waterworks. 5. Yeah. I'll apologize but I gotta be wrong. I hate it but accountability does matter to personal growth. Final thoughts: these signs feel rather shallow as signs of caring and seem the more Extreme side of avoidant behavior.

[@BedlamsSon]

Signs I care. 1. Inclusion in hobbies and events. 2. Invitations to VISIT my space. 3. Willing to let you vent trauma for more than 10 mins despite it feeling like wading through raw, chunky, sewage. 4. Aiding with your problems that you can't handle on your own. (Heavy lifting, spider killing etc) 5. Cooking for you or gifts of food without promoting.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks for commenting 🙏🏾

[@uniquedavenport]

​​@@BedlamsSonthis sounds so robotic and avoidant vibes for sure lol but I get it I love my own space to

[@BedlamsSon]

@uniquedavenport not sure what you mean by robotic. It's SAFE. It's Controled and under my self control. I cannot depend on a partner for emotional fulfillment or even resonance. Hell I can't even depend on them to be good company or guests. I CAN depend on myself.

[@uniquedavenport]

@@BedlamsSon lol I understand I'm actually pretty avoidant myself and anxious depending on who I am around but I love and need my own space to truly function and I never knew WHY that was until therapy and I ended up dating a guy who was more avoidant then me lol

[@Jan-f8w]

Maybe the "Avoidant", had something to Avoid... Because with so many hateful- sounding, revengeful, unforgiving comments here, maybe the "Problem" is the people the Avoidant is picking.

[@VaronPlateando]

Exactly, as I commented minutes ago. besides, we know (see briffault’s law) what xx.s - who seem to be authoring most of those rhetorics - base their pro-rel.ship (in case of attraction) decisions on, without holding selves accountable. getting into evo.psych here will open a now barrel though.

[@unknownnwonknu4202]

It's the entitlement for me with others that make it easy for me to not give in. Being an avoidant having an entitled attitude towards me and my time is annoying. I don't have to do anything I don't wanna do and IF I CHOOSE too accept it and appreciate it. Don't nobody in life owe you anything. Period. Grow up. Smdh 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@sunbeam9222]

Why are people so obsessed with avoidants? Abd keep on blaming the avoidant 💯. Did they lock you down in their basement for 2 years and forced you to love them while giving nothing much but a poker face and cancelled dates in return? Where is self accountability?

[@TheBadgerFactor]

Yea honestly. Ive spoken to three friends who are all therapists ranging from 10-30 years and they all said the same thing "People always want to blame avoidants but rarely ever look at themselves. You cant just blame a breakup on an attachment style"

[@sunbeam9222]

@@TheBadgerFactor thank you. I guess it's also a defence mechanism. Our ego doesn't benefit from self introspection so yeah, a tough shell to crack.

[@janelle2262]

ikr. just let them be! if it's too hard to be with them, they didn't push you to be in a relationship with them.

[@abigailmacaria7717]

I notice people do this now with the accusation of narcissism. Although increasingly heavy on the spectrum as a society, most narcissism is on a spectrum with all of us. It is rarer to come across a full blown narcissist (Although I've met and dated a high percentage as my Mom was one. So we date what is familiar initially). But people call others narcissists and just blame, blame, blame and then get super angry talking about not ever being with one etc Makes me wonder how much they are avoiding looking at their own wounds (which oddly enough is either denial of parental narcissism or they themselves fall strongly on the heavy side of the narcissism spectrum. And are blinded to their own selfish, self centered control--chasing others away. Irony of ironies.) @@TheBadgerFactor This is not to devalue those truly recovering from narcissistic abuse. Been there down that. And many narcissists are the same. But also each has manifested the mixture of types of narcissism. So takes A LOT of true healing of childhood issues to make it past not going back to them or reattracting all new ones. 100% inside job though.

[@priyanka1649]

My comment is not about DA but the author’s lack of proper communication skills. He doesn’t enunciate words properly, says fill instead of feel etc. the baseball caps are also inappropriate- especially for someone that already has grey hair- they are disrespectful. Btw, one cannot “resonate with something”, it’s the other way around.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Oh wow, are you an image consultant? I should hire you

[@kenzieq2807]

Eyeroll ,, are you serious with this? Why does he have to look a certain way for you? Your comment is shallow and annoying

[@IamCoachCourt]

@@kenzieq2807 thank you Kenzie!

[@allison8331]

Ummm, you’re free to go watch something else. Why be petty?🙄

[@waniedayu]

My DA partner only did 1 -3 Never wanted to talk about issues / conflict And never verbally apologized when he caused me heartache. He will just come & be really really nice & when I tried to brought things up, he wouldn't have it coz to him he didn't do anything wrong (working so hard to the point of stress & needing to take days of space which he never informed me) So if they only do half / part of what u said - means they don't love / like that much I guess? @iamcoachcoart anyone? Other than that, he's very critical & sometimes rude when he talks to me 😔 especially if I asked him too many questions *sigh...it's really really hard & disheartening. Most of the time I wonder what am I holding on to 😔😖