5 Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries

[@derekmahon1652]

The first people to complain about your stronger boundaries are the ones who previously trampled over them

[@dulceyprocaz]

Axiomatic.

[@lydiamusima5257]

With my past experiences with over sharing, I've stopped sharing deep details on what I do in my personal life, work, issues and recreation. When people ask me questions beyond the basics and aren't satisfied with the limited response, it irritates me. I remember one instance when I was super quiet around a group of friends and acquaintances. One of them kept asking me repeatedly how my week went and if everything is ok. I replied yes things are ok. I refused to go deeper

[@rhythmandblues_alibi]

1) overcommitting or people pleasing. 2) feeling responsible for the emotions of others. 3) being unable to express your personal needs or opinions - common if you are conflict avoidant. 4) feeling guilty when prioritising yourself. 5) oversharing personal information with inappropriate/unsafe people.

[@kitkatcheung]

Saying no is the kindest thing you can do! Allows the other person the strength to figure it out themselves.

[@NeseretBemient]

Yes. There's so much power in "No" but it also gives people your real answer. Not just what they want to hear but your deep desire and wish. No promotes real authenticity and genuineness.

[@AriBreyelle]

Saying No can save your life. You can say it in a firm and healthy way.

[@soccerandtrack10]

Or silence...

[@soccerandtrack10]

What happens when the criminalls are disabbled and cant even understand you not doing their munipulation?, my family is disabled,they only understand being in power/not being responsible. irony=they watch spider man too. Can not understanding haveing power work too?... I might have it. A cat that only sees slanted lines cant climb stairs=because they never saw straight lines=real life experiment.

[@mindset_olympics2]

guess I'm mean lol

[@genevieveflores1159]

When I finally learned how to have boundaries and discovered I was allowed to say no is when I realized who the narcissists in my life were. I never knew my relationship with them was dependent on the fact that I was a people pleaser aka lacked boundaries.

[@autumn975]

Yes yes yes! This is my story too

[@janicetelfer6211]

The same for me! I'm glad I woke up. It was so exhausting 😊

[@KathBorup]

Yes! Healthy people don't get angry when you say no to a request once! Saying no to one catch up resulted in a friend never speaking to me again even though prior to that I said yes every other request and favour they asked of me. I felt bad at first but when another friend cancelled on me and I felt no ill will at all. Sometimes things come up and people should understand that, especially if it's only happened once.

[@aeamrn08]

I am learning to identify the differences between people pleasing behavior and the authentic me who genuinely cares about people.

[@NeseretBemient]

What do you believe is the difference? What have you learned so far? Such a brilliant investigation!

[@SSOJ4eva]

I'd love to know too

[@heatherrogers548]

I’ve been practicing this like everyone else on here, but all I can say is that I just KNOW now when I want to do something for someone. I feel energetic about it.

[@genevieveflores1159]

I hear that. Even with that I have to be careful because it's easy to say yes because of how much I do care. So I have been practicing saying "No" by saying No to every request made of me even when I really want to say yes. AND... I am not allowing myself to offer any explanations either. In the past, I feel the need to qualify and justify whenever I have had to say no. Nobody knows that I am doing this and I decided that I am going to do this until I am comfortable saying no without feeling guilty.

[@heatherrogers548]

@@genevieveflores1159 That is smart. And stand your ground!

[@Star-dj1kw]

Agreeing to help with a task even when you feel overloaded: describes my whole experience as a young woman in small churches, even when I had small children. I loved the people but I couldn’t say no

[@VestalNumbre]

3 This means everlasting life,+ their coming to know you, the only true God,+ and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.+ 4 so what should we do? Mathematics

[@irwing1001]

It can be especially hard saying no in the church setting. Boundaries are still important there too.

[@VestalNumbre]

@@irwing1001 Psalm Of David. א [Aleph] 37 Do not be upset* because of evil men Or envious of wrongdoers.+ 2 spiritaulity comes from a relationship with the creator

[@lynellb]

Yes! That was me. Church can be the hardest area to set boundaries.

[@lynellb]

​@@irwing1001 so very true!! Love thy neighbor as thyself..you can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. Setting boundaries is an act of self love.

[@timhuffmaster3588]

Saying “No”, is an answer that requires no explanation.

[@kellirai35]

Absolutely so many people forget that no is a complete sentence

[@oraora33]

Yup. Grew up hearing that whenever I disagreed or said no I was suddenly an extremely difficult person 😂

[@dulceyprocaz]

Or selfish.... Thats the manipulator's narrative trying to break down Resistance and do their thing for free.

[@meatpopsicle_45]

This used to be about me. What scared me about saying "No" is a possibility of being alienated or even meet hostility as a result (I had a controlling mother when I was a kid who'd burst into anger if I refused her). How did I get over it? I realized I don't need other people's validation to see myself as a decent person. It was my inferiority complex talking (they are better, I'm worse, so I depend on what they think of me). In reality they're not superior to me, we're on the same level, so their approval or disapproval means shit. Most of them don't really care about me anyway. Some are even straight up assholes. So fuck them and what they think. My mental health and comfort are more important than some bunch of strangers.

[@akosua8779]

Well said! I need this thought shift..in reality most people are rude and dont really care for my well being....I relate to the parent figure....

[@NeseretBemient]

You've gotten over it already! You've got this! You're doing fantastic! I couldn't agree with you more. Those who care don't mind, and those who mind don't care. You're living your life as you see fit and yes you are worthy of having your boundaries respected.

[@realdavebob]

👏👏

[@ev6564]

I'm struggling with this now! Only God and my opinion of me matters. God is loving and kind, but also just and assertive. Jesus was NOT a pushover despite being so loving so why should I be? And he already died for our sins, so why am I taking up emotional responsibility in other people's lives that I should not?

[@law-d2502]

Yes yes!!!🎉👏

[@jessekane6534]

That bit about not being able to rest when you say no TO rest is awesome. I think that’s the trick with all of this self respect and care stuff; we have an internal dialogue that makes it too much work to stand up for ourselves. Step one is saying no, Step two is challenging the internal narrative.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Absolutely Jesse! That’s it right there 👍🏽

[@VestalNumbre]

I wanna become something. 3 This means everlasting life,+ their coming to know you, the only true God,+ and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.+ 4 I

[@lawrup]

​@DrTraceyMarks it's not people pleasing if the very fate of humanity is in the palm of your hand

[@incorrigiblycuriousD61]

@@lawrup We need some follow up! When was the fate of humanity in the palm of your hand? I got up in the middle of the night to care for my sick child when I was sick and had a fever and felt like a hero about that.

[@christinebeames712]

I had a neighbour , who for years , every planting time in spring would ask for advice and get me to “ show” her how to plant them , I always ended up doing the job for her as she acted so helpless, the I saw through the act and just said “ go to the garden center and see what they suggest “ looking back I had helped her many times when she was perfectly capable of doing it herself . We have to value our time

[@Sebahtubman]

Some people are users.

[@deweesegilyard2998]

This is such a cultural issue in the African American community. Thank you, Dr. Marks.

[@agent1.618]

how so? can you expound on this?

[@karakol86]

Yeah, how is this cultural issue? Which issue are you talking about?

[@jasminetorres8570]

I see it in Hispanic culture as well, wondering if it stems from something else other than culture though

[@NeseretBemient]

@@agent1.618 Agreed. Which part and what exactly is the issue?

[@NeseretBemient]

@@karakol86 I feel like this is more of a personal issue (boundaries) more than anything else.

[@danieldhardman5388]

I learned about setung boundaries late in life, in my late 40s, and have been doing very well maintaining them. It is challenging at times bc I'm an introvert who is very conflict-avoidant. But I understand the importance of holding my boundaries so I have learned how to confront people and problems in a healthy way. This video helps me see that I'm doing it right and I feel good after arching it. Thanx Dr. Marks.

[@NeseretBemient]

Hey, Life starts at 40 lol. You're right on track! Good for you. It is not easy to learn these skills. It's not like they're taught in school. And unless you had good role models who set the example for you then we have to figure it out ourselves. It's challenging. I'm glad you've found your own path to creating and negotiating health boundaries. Look up Chris Voss's work. I think you'll really appreciate it. He teaches "The Art of Negotiating". He's a gem.

[@EveFrey-m8q]

My sister n myself as children told by. My. Strong headed mom. Told us u aren't allowed to be. Angry at me. Or say no. To me. She would always pull the rug out from under us. She didn't want all 3. Of us. Kids be married. Have kids. Have boyfriends. Have sex. Wanted us as adult. Live next store to her n my dad. . She picked everything. Careers. Buying car. Dates. When we wanted to date. Or had. Secret boyfriend n she found out. Friends - she didn't want us to have. After my dad died , she became worse. Expecting. 54 yr old oldest daughter who lived oos. ( To get away from her). Live with her . Relocate n give. Up her life This women was violent all my life. Strangling me. Many times as a child. At 36, my father. Became more like her. Participating. In strangling me in public. If I said no to her. Wants at 36, I was strangle.

[@solidus353]

Over sharing personal details really hit home for me. One thing I noticed early in my career is that once I came out as gay, I was forever and always pigeonholed as "the gay bestie" when in reality, that mould didn't fit me. I spent too much time listening to women dump their relationship baggage on me and dragging me out to gay bars when i didn't enjoy drinking, to name a few. It took me a while to learn, I am allowed to keep my personal life private, especially in situations where revealing this information gives people an inaccurate or unflattering perception of me. This is all too common with mental illness as well.

[@NeseretBemient]

I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds like that was a harsh lesson and now you're aware. I agree with you about mental health. Even as a Psych RN, I disclosed that I was struggling with my mental health and it was used against me. Imagine, being in a mental health profession and people not being understanding of you struggling. You'd think you'd get more compassion and understanding and that was not the case. Part of what led me to leave a 17 year career.

[@sheaballard3022]

Number two is a BIG one for me. I react with dread whenever someone seems the slightest bit upset with me.

[@NeseretBemient]

People are entitled to feel however way they feel, including anger or upset. You're not responsible for that. They have a choice to react or respond a certain way. And it's okay to get upset or angry, as long as you channel that emotions in a constructive way.

[@designbylake]

Not wanting to cause disappointment for others, is huge for me! I’ve said yes to stuff my spirit was screaming no towards just because of this !! 😮 I feel relieved to hear this though!

[@NeseretBemient]

We all have to learn to listen to that sweet, wise spirit of ours. Oprah talks about that she learned this in her 40's and now unless every fiber of her being says "Yes1", then she's not doing it. She said "No" to Steve Wonder! She was petrified that he was going to "hate" her. But she did it anyway and guess what. Nothing happened. Live and learn lol

[@youdontknowme5969]

I used to be so afraid of disappointing others. And I don't even know where it came from. But I finally snapped one day and realized, "Well everybody else ain't afraid to p*ss me off," so I started returning it in favor. At first it wa sspiteful, yes. But now I'm just an assertive assh*le. And that's OK. How others react or respond to me ain't my darn problem.

[@ebmage8793]

This is right on time. My mom has always been someone who acts helpless and I have been letting her walk all over me. There is always an excuse why i need to sacrifice my time and energy to her, but Im so over it.

[@pizzanessfunnie]

YUP

[@gacalnoorey]

What be serious she is your mom mature buddy recogonise the triggers and work on how to inprove it rather than blaming your mom one thing iam hating is you seeinv her fault now when u big healthy and strong what about all tym she didnt sleep well cried when u were sick ran after u when dressing u to school how many of her effort and time did u take for u to speak that way mature and remeber she is also raising up for the first tym she also has her psychologucal trauma she didnt heal from thats making her act that way may Allah guide us all

[@ebmage8793]

@@gacalnoorey Honey with all due respect. You dont even know the half of it. How about we switch and you deal with her for a while. See how much you like it.

[@gacalnoorey]

@@ebmage8793 😳may Allah guide u amiin

[@ajadampha204]

Could be a case of enmeshment with a potential covert narc. Protect your peace and keep a healthy distance

[@lydiamusima5257]

Apart from saying 'no', another way of people pleasing in my experience is overstepping boundaries in telling people my personal business. Some people are busy-bodies who won't stop at my basic responses about what is really happening in my life, family issues, my work, holiday plans and what I do in my personal time. They want to know more digging deeper. In the past, I was guilty of over sharing. Now I'm so cautious not to disclose too much and keep things on the surface.

[@noidreculse8906]

It feels great to say no, and yes selectively. Once you say no, you can’t cave in. Be careful what you agree to

[@Shortkonner]

My emotional piggy bank is empty. I get burnt out. I'm working on boundaries w/ my therapist. Ugh i am struggling. Been given homework for "crying times"

[@geemail369]

Sounds like progress to me! Make a plan, keep micro-adjusting and your expectations at bay and you'll get there.

[@NeseretBemient]

It's normal to struggle. It means you're out of your comfort zone and growing. It means you're mastering a new skill. You'll never again be at an empty piggy bank ever again if you sort this out now. That's it. You're drawing the line. You got this!

[@Chris_Davis_music]

In the gig economy (im a musician) it's dangerously toxic to say yes - because it's easily justified as a means to not miss opportunities. The latge amount of lost work by turning someone down once is palpable. I dont know how to overcome it. It's not from fear of disappointing people, but fear of losing income.

[@NeseretBemient]

The question is what is the price we pay for our income? What are we willing to pay for income? Is it worth your ethics? morals? your self respect? your time? your dignity? what else? And Are you willing to pay that?

[@solomongrundy1467]

​@@NeseretBemientThe price I pay for my income is to not be homeless. It helps that i have control of my work schedule because I'm an independent contractor.

[@jammer930]

Thank you for this. I used to be a people pleaser but have learned to say no to almost everything now. People absolutely hate me for it and stop dealing with me. Oh well.

[@jasminvomwalde7497]

Thank you for highlighting this issue, Dr. Marks ❤ I‘m autistic and I‘ve received a lot of accusations of being heartless, unloving and egotistical when I was being my real self over the years. With time I learnt to people please to not hurt others (which has become a big fear of mine) as well as protect myself from being hurt. It‘s so exhausting. When I eventually burn out I completely retreat snd say no to everything. Which also has hurt my relationships. I feel I will never be able to do it right 😔

[@VestalNumbre]

What if you learned about our Creator 3 This means everlasting life,+ their coming to know you, the only true God,+ and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.+ 4 I

[@mrglibb]

@@VestalNumbre Begone Jesusbot, this is a place of healing.

[@VestalNumbre]

@@mrglibb I am healed by Jesus Christ Psalm Of David. 35 O Jehovah, defend my case against my opposers;+ Fight against those who fight against me.+ 2

[@NeseretBemient]

It's can be challenging to find the balance. You have to weigh your needs with the needs of others. Your needs are no less important than the needs of others. It's okay to disappoint people sometimes. As you already know the price of not disappointing anyone is burnout. That's too high of a price to pay. So, be okay with disappointing others sometimes, and you'll be disappointed sometimes too. That's just a fact life. I can see you have a heart as big as the Ocean. So you have to protect it. Remember also those who truly care don't mind, and those who mind don't care.

[@jasminvomwalde7497]

@@NeseretBemient thank you for your insight and kindness.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you Dr Marks! I try to have the strategy of balance. For people who primarily think about themselves the answer is always no! For people who have a cooperative temperament I am more likely to stay yes! If I am going to be ridiculed no matter what, I might as well be ridiculed for being myself and not a doormat!

[@Eirini.e11]

I don’t fear that I will seem mean, but I always consider myself as a heart opened person who always can give so I question my ability to give and I consider myself “over sensitive” when I feel I can’t handle a give situation this specific time (and afraid it will become the new reality-never being able to give again if I listen to myself)

[@pizzanessfunnie]

I feel like my father doesn't really have any conception of what boundaries are. He views people saying no to him (or people asking him to stop doing things that make them uncomfortable) as being ungrateful, rejection, or even a personal attack. There are quite a lot of examples of things I do for self-care that he points to to say that I'm selfish or not as good a person as I think I am. I feel like nothing I ever say or do will be good enough. And, at work and when I'm with friends, I'm terrified of doing _anything_ that might make people upset at me, or think that I'm weird or a bad person. Oh... And I also share personal information way too quickly as well... I really feel called out by this video ;(

[@sunnybein1]

I’d consider your father reads as deeply narcissistic so work on your needs in relation to that.Hes trying to teach you to not have boundaries by making you feel bad for having them.Yoy are ‘good enough’ it’s your father that’s trying to teach you that you aren’t.

[@michaelg.294]

I worked as a manager in the food service industry for many, many years and one place I worked had training seminars that were mandatory for all employees. This was at a resort/ spa which catered to wealthier individuals. The one thing they pushed on hard in these seminars was how to deal with guests that were difficult (which was a lot of them). The mantra that was driven into our heads in order to placate difficult/ unhappy guests was "Do what it takes, whatever it takes". In other words- the squeaky wheel gets the grease, lots and lots of grease! Now that I'm out of that environment I'm having to reprogram myself. My new self imposed mantra is "Don't reward bad behavior". Sometimes I'm caught off guard and slip into the old coping methods and find myself "doing what it takes, whatever it takes" which really pisses me off once I realize what I'm doing. I don't have any tattoos but am thinking of getting "I don't reward bad behavior" tattooed on my right forearm, just as a reminder.

[@NeseretBemient]

That's a tough one. But it sounds like you already know that was bad programming. You have new insight and understanding. I don't think you need a reminder at all. It's already in there. The fact you're out of that environment helps a great deal. Because that would have been what would continue to perpetuate that cycle. If you're conscious, then you can't be controlled. You are awake and aware now. So no need to brand yourself. lol You got this! You were already branded but now you're reclaiming your power. That power is within you, not outside of you. You have knowledge and awareness in your heart and mind. That's your power.

[@Authenticstraightshooter]

I work as a trainer is sales field. It’s not uncommon to hear “don’t say no to a customer”. I feel like it’s broken me for almost a decade. Just recently a colleague that met me sent me a message that she admired 1) me being a straight shooter 2) having authenticity 3) having opinions. All 3 are items I felt like I lost in this career field. Needless to say, my colleague lit a fire back in me and I also want to get a tattoo to remind me of my essence. Now I must figure out how to mesh my true self into a career that doesn’t value my top 3 narratives I’m proud of. 🤔🧐💭

[@sAv_Doll]

Easier said than done. I would agree start with the small requests

[@johnsakeiyia330]

Very helpful. I've been a people pleaser for far too long.

[@karakol86]

Thank you so much for this video!! Especially the point about over sharing! I don't tell my coworkers any of my personal business because it is a workplace. I have seen too many friends get sucked into unnecessary drama in the workplace because they confide in the wrong person or feel pressured into offering up personal information. Had a friend quit a social work clinic because he was pressured everyday to divulge personal information. Recently, many coworkers were going through health issues. One person told me, someone overheard our discussion and blabbed. Everyone needs to keep their mouth shut at work!

[@NeseretBemient]

Agreed. Such a great point. You're there to work, not to socialize is always my rule. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to serve. (Psych RN for over 17 years turned entrepreneur now.) lol

[@audreymo63]

I rehearse my response ahead of time as I get asked to do a lot of things. I have no problem saying NO and won't explain why I said NO😂

[@NeseretBemient]

Likewise sister! lol No need to explain!

[@healerscreek]

I try to cushion the no with a lead in like, "I would love to help, but I'm not able to."

[@coolitdown]

If you are in this boat, I highly recommend reading "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. Definitely changed my perspective!

[@RippleDrop.]

"Saying no is an act of self-care and not a rejection of others."

[@RippleDrop.]

"Your need or value, is the justification, of saying no."

[@JamieCraig-b6t]

Thank you for highlighting this issue, Dr. Marks I‘m autistic and I‘ve received a lot of accusations of being heartless, unloving and egotistical when I was being my real self over the years. With time I learnt to people please to not hurt others (which has become a big fear of mine) as well as protect myself from being hurt. It‘s so exhausting. When I eventually burn out I completely retreat snd say no to everything. Which also has hurt my relationships. I feel I will never be able to do it right

[@sunnybein1]

People who are toxic will call you all sorts of names for having boundaries.These are not friends.

[@Catlily5]

Copy cat.

[@andersdottir1111]

I say ‘no’ to almost everything. I rarely regret it. I particularly say ‘no’ to minding people’s dogs or driving people to the airport. It never gets reciprocated.

[@EdgarVerona]

I feel so called out right now

[@NeseretBemient]

We're all getting called out lol You're in good company:)

[@corylcreates]

Remember that in the USA and Canada, it is illegal for your employer to prohibit you from discussing wages/salary with coworkers, no matter what the businesses' clauses or handbooks or contracts say. So keep that in mind when considering if you want to talk about how much you make. "My job says I shouldn't tell my colleagues how much I make" should not be a consideration for the boundary.

[@rev-ragoutdoors6593]

Dr Marks, I so deeply appreciate your support through your videos, I have learned so much from them, and again I appreciate you.🙏🏿

[@The1972maxim]

It's strange how easily we take all childhood survival strategies into our adulthood.... without even questioning its sanity whatsoever.If we do please people,we do IT cause we were trained to do so as kids....to avoid punishment or being rejected. However, we are adults now and we need to unlearn this dysfunctional behavior to become our true authentic selves...we do not need to survive anymore,we are herę to truely live❤

[@lundsweden]

I used to be like this, but now I say no whenever I want to, and I don't need to justify why.

[@jacquelinezr]

It's like you were talking directly to me. I learned from it being modeled, being oversensitive to the feelings of others and not wanting to disappoint them, and being taught that saying "no" was selfish if I could do the task. Yikes! Thanks, Dr. Marks, I needed this.

[@saragomes5878]

My problem is feeling guilty when prioritising myself. This is weird, but for a long time I knew that when I felt guilty, I was on the right path. Now I understand that the reason why this is the right path is because I'm taking care of myself. I just need to loose the guilty feeling.

[@bellaboomdiya]

Great idea Tracey :)

[@John_Wall]

Thank you Dr Marks for this awesome video. With regard to oversharing, you gave some examples of the negative impacts this can have on those you share with, such as making them feel uncomfortable, judged, and overwhelmed. Through experience, I would also like to add that oversharing can have negative impacts on the person doing the sharing, such as leaving them vulnerable to manipulation, based on the information they have shared.

[@NeseretBemient]

Absolutely true. I had a recent experience as such and it actually jeopardized my career. It was one of the biggest mistakes I've made and will never do it again. There's enormous power in disclosure. It's not to the person who discloses, it is the people who receive that information and what they choose to do with it. Thank you for bringing this point.

[@Cutest1TheGame]

As for finances, under the spending habits category, I try not to disclose how much I paid for an item. Not only is it uncomfortable, but many people like to shame you for how much you were willing to pay for something and some decide that bases one expensive item you bought, they can start taking advantage of you because they assume you have enough money / too much money.

[@Vossst]

#4 reminds me of something I heard somewhere: you can't serve from an empty vessel-you have nothing left to give of yourself because you've already given everything. Plus, nobody reasonable would want you to do that. Often helpful to model your boundaries on what you think is reasonable to ask of others.

[@NeseretBemient]

Amen! Absolutely true.

[@elevenelevenlife3375]

I check off a lot of these boxes. The hardest struggle I have right now is saying “no” to a job or relationship, because I’m just not feeling it or I want to quit. Also in some sense I don’t think I’m unaware certain information is private or personal, it’s that I’ve lost control and the sovereignty to make that decision. I just do it, because I’m desperate for their connection and to feel wanted/interested/close. But I end up telling people things they shouldn’t hear, and some part of me feels it isn’t right. It’s become automatic in a way.

[@NeseretBemient]

It's understandable. We are social creatures and we need connection. And sometimes we do it at our own expense because we don't want to be isolated or alone. Also we have a need for connection and for meaningful work. Those needs are healthy and normal. Finding the balance between our needs and how to meet them in a healthy way is an ongoing process. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're aware of these issues and that is the beginning of change. You got this!

[@mikesmith6594]

Thanks Doctor for this upload!

[@juelz713]

Great video. I need to watch this a couple times

[@Janay-cy3cu]

I wish I had someone like you as my psychiatrist. I could of been healed from chronic or complex trauma and have the correct diagnoses.

[@DrLeJon]

Fantastic video. I cried throughout as most of these wrong behaviors cause unhappiness around me. I need to take care of myself. Everyone should.

[@NeseretBemient]

It's okay to cry. Sounds like a lot of grief is coming up for you. It can be very painful to see the suffering caused by boundaries being crossed. You're not alone. Keep learning.

[@rrosaseconda]

Thank you so much Dr. Marks. I wish I had heard this information years ago--but "better late than never"! Looking forward to your video on Narrative Identity.

[@eryabolonha]

Off topic.. But I just wanted to say your hair looks amazing today Dr Marks ❤❤❤❤

[@addysaw]

I thought I havd strong boundaries but after watching this video.... I think I have a lot of work to do about this....

[@DocSnipes]

Therese are all great. Another important sign that people often state is feeling unsafe. If we often feel unsafe or fear intrusion by people we don't want intruding, this could indicate that our boundaries are not adequately protecting our physical, emotional, or cognitive spaces.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Yep. Great points. Thanks for sharing

[@thompsonkendra44]

Overcommitting or people pleasing. Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Being unable to express your personal needs or opinions. Feeling guilty when prioritizing yourself. Sharing personal information too quickly or with the wrong people.

[@amandamate9117]

tried to say no, but my toxic husband got everytime angry or said crying for hours or days even tho i explained i have no time and reasoned shortly why i say no to him. I tried to feel not responsible for his emotional states but it didnt changed a slight bit and drained me too, until i said yes to him. Very exhausting. Reminder: dont expect progress with selfworth and boundaries around really toxic and traumatized people. it just wont work. Seriously, only practice around supportive people 4:15

[@christinebeames712]

He has learned that if he whines long enough you will cave in , as children do , next time or two endure the whinging , do not bend , he will soon learn it’s pointless , as children do ,

[@amandamate9117]

@@christinebeames712i did and he didnt stopped whining until today

[@dumb_gril]

time to get a new husband who’s not manipulative

[@carol-us4xn]

No is a way of asserting boundaries. It's respectful to have boundaries and implementing them.

[@saviourawudzi5244]

If you're okay and knows what you're doing, you don't need judgement from who just feel that thay know you more than you know yourself.

[@Suitednlooted]

Having worked customer service most of my life, this hits hard. I have a hard time saying “no” to extra work because I’m so used to “the customer is always right”. I am now I’m my office job and I’m struggling with boundaries. It seems like I am the only one who is incapable of saying “no”. A big reason why I struggle saying “no” is because I am always met with a “why?”. This leads me to feel like I’m being interrogated and confused. I feel like if I don’t have a good enough reason, then I’m not doing my job.

[@Lalamama-q3x]

Rehearse a few responses example; I can’t take in more as I have family commitments, looking after my elderly parents or I’m helping my cousin and say it matter if factly and repeat if need be like a broken record until they stop asking.

[@Poppy-yx8js]

It’s so upsetting when people lie about this though. Like saying that you’re asking people to help you out too much . I believe I set healthy boundaries. I don’t extend myself too much. I’m naturally cooperative. And I always do as much as I can myself before asking for help.

[@AA-wc3tw]

My people-pleasing seems much deeper than this. Relationships exhaust me and I'm at the point where it feels much better to have no friends than to deal with myself and the stress I cause myself when I do have friendships. I feel the most peaceful when I'm alone because no one bothers me and, more importantly, I bother no one. I don't have anything to talk about anyways. Only those "off limits topics" spoken about in this video. And no one cares about that stuff anyways.

[@liliannakaroly8212]

When I was a baby I was abandoned for my father. So I forced myself to be pleasant to others specially my family. I thought that if I couldn’t be enough and just perfect they will abandon me as well. So, I never said no to anything. Always good to everybody that way I could be by their side. Idk if I’m better or I’m stuck in the same thing.

[@natashyas4149]

100 %. If I have the capacity to do something and say no, it's selfish. Def grew up feeling responsible for how others feel.

[@jleelofiboy1041]

I deal with this issue I know if I do clap back I’ll be in the wrong for standing up for myself or for what’s right.

[@FullTimePatient37]

I did make my boundaries VERY CLEAR but sadly it's too late to retain my physical health now.. it's irreversible 😢 Hence my current anger issues..

[@NeseretBemient]

Acceptance of what is - will help you move forward. Also self compassion. You're suffering already and don't want to add to that suffering.

[@Skull-emoji-p1k]

I once had a boundary of not letting people touch me because of Covid 19 and that was for a while.

[@DominiqueFrancon]

I’m married because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Yes, weak boundaries are that destructive.

[@BellaLola26]

😢 I am sorry to hear that. I’m glad you are at least and honest with yourself. That’s huge ❤️

[@Datb2]

wow.....are you happy in the marriage atleast?

[@DominiqueFrancon]

@@Datb2 no I’m not. I believe he is a narcissist. He pursued me with love bombing, but after the wedding, it was clear that I was only here for his convenience.

[@alisonj9533]

​@@DominiqueFranconthen get out before you see 20 years of the same with children, no help, no hope and guilt laden obligation to children, inlaws and resentment to eat you up! Yes it is the stiff of nightmares so do yourself and everyone else a favour even when they don't understand! This is your life, change it!

[@sugahobi2329]

holy crap, wishing you the best ❤

[@ronaldrandall450]

Yes I were concerned about what others think about me,but I've come to realize to Heck with SOCIAL RATINGS..I MUST LIVE,LOVE and HAPPINESS MYSELF POSITIVELY..FURTHERMORE I FEEL GOD IS NOT MAD AT ME,the devil is,and that's my Joy not those whom misjudged Me,Myself and I".Thank You Doc'.

[@EsmereldaPea]

Re #3, speaking your opinion in a safe place. I can do that and I can even speak my mind around the historically problematic people in my life. My issue comes in how to respond when they gaslight me. Exsmple: when I told my brother I was getting evaluated for ADHD and he said "I've had ADHD all my life and I'm just fine." I didnt know how to respond to this in the moment, so I just shut down. I DID make my point later though when I texted him right before my appt and asked him about his "diagnosis ": how old he was when he got it, and what treatments he hed tried that had worked and what hadn't? He denied making that remark. And then he said "I was just teasing you " when I described where we were and what we were doing when he said it. More gaslighting. That I ignored. I don't even know if he had the decency to feel bad about what he'd said. I'm guessing he fell back on his mantra "she's too sensitive." So I've been imagining the next time either of my brothers or my s-i-l's say something like that to just look them in the eye and say "well that's incredibly rude" and just stare at them. But I just know they'll have a comeback and I don't think well on my feet. I always think of a response hours or days later. How do you deal?

[@AhtAtNO]

Shidddd, I LOVE saying NO With no disclaimer.. People are so taken a back. 🤭 I have been labeled as Mean or difficult.!

[@lorreinekennedy7674]

Dear God, 1,2,4. That’s me!

[@mmmitchell6887]

Dr. Marks the value and insight you provide has been very helpful to me. Thanks and may your future endeavors continue to grow successfully in a manner pleasing to you.

[@SummerFace]

Everything is so clear and concise and easy to follow. Love your style and content ✨ thank you 🤍🩵💕

[@ShivamMishra-oi5xg]

Thanks maam please upload 🙏 more video how to concentrate on study hats off maam

[@botodeov57]

I used to be like this..then i realized "the reality" is i don't want to do this because i haven't got the time nor the energy..."the expectation" is the guilt trip and others dependence on you to complete the said task regardless how you feel which comes with a great disrespect for your "me" time....i see this is a "gap" between reality and expectation...generally, this is a huge source of stress as it compounds a problem that seems to be never ending...when people see a free piece of cake they always allow themselves to take more without thinking of others...a bit narcissistic and selfish but always the same outcome.Therefore, i have learned "God knows it took awhile" to lessen the "gap" between reality and expectation....when there is no expectation....there is no stress to perform or cater to the whims of others...As a Wise Atlanta Psychiatrist says "Just say "NO"..and walk away....works for me)))))😁

[@robertsmith4129]

I have some people who come in and take my stuff all the time. If I ever said no they would get totally offended and never talk to me again.

[@christinebeames712]

What do you mean “ take your stuff” you mean steal? Or are you just acting like a door mat ? Your stuff is your stuff unless you,,,,choose to give it away , come on , toughen up xxxxxxx

[@Ender-Corbin]

It's difficult doing it with an overbearing parent. In the past I've set firm boundaries but then to have them run over. I'm setting them again and gaining, but agonizingly slow. But it progress nonetheless.

[@edwardkenny6061]

This is an excellent dissertation about a problem I’ve had for years. Thank you Dr. Marks for helping me find a way to deal with it. One thing though: the word IDENTIFY is spelled wrong in the first minute of this video.

[@benqurayza7872]

Thank you, Dr Marks. Very good advice. I've made all the mistakes you described.

[@syddejbau]

This is ME!! ❤❤❤ Thanks for this video

[@Ble-eshiet-nigeria]

Thank you ma this video made my day 😊🎉

[@vancetang2288]

Thank you Dr. Tracey Marks for the insights!❤🎉

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

What I often have trouble with is even realizing that I feel overloaded or take on too much or go too hard etc. Usually I figure that out in a delayed way when it starts to hit me hard or when I get angry or resentful or utterly exhausted or have physical pain. I’m trying to pay more attention now to those cues tho before it goes that far. Yah. Stepfather. The dictator despot. Usually it was do what he wanted or you’ll really regret it. Bullying. Brute force. Coercion. Intimidation. Ha ha. Right now tho. Joined a pretty comprehensive nutrition/fitness program…so now I say no a lot more Bcuz I’m too busy prepping food, cooking, counting calories and macros, studying and working out all things food etc, and working out. 😅😅 Turns out that even just physical self care is quite a job.

[@OpalHopal-PSALMS6b6m]

I need to focus on myself and my family. Been saying no to catering to others and how they feel and there emotions and projections those that are making things about them and everything else exceptt for me and what i need!!!!!

[@OpalHopal-PSALMS6b6m]

You can remove yourself from those type of individuals but they find a way to come around you.

[@virtuouzgirl8328]

I think this difficult, but especially in high stakes situations like work. Toxic work environments are notorious for violating your boundaries. In my experience, something as simple as saying "I don't have time to do this right now" is enough for them to start calling you "difficult" and spreading false narratives about you.

[@ClanDosCanalhas]

Great applicable content with no embellishments. I wish there were more creators like you

[@faboitas]

I feel like this is never comes up when talking about people pleasing, but i do this a lot by trying to constantly "help", which is helping, but annoying to others, because instead of doing your own stuff, Im more focused on trying to help do theirs instead, and to them it can look like you dont trust them or you are just being annoying, even though that's not what I want

[@christinebeames712]

When you are asked if you will do a certain thing , say “ can I get back to you on that , I’m not sure if 8m free “ then a phone call or message to say that you are not free , is easier

[@PaulaSuprenant]

Just say no if they get mad pr mean they are not really your friend anyway 😊

[@allinalifetime]

❤❤❤ Thanks Dr. Marks

[@tyhampton7439]

Dr. Marks, how do we make a request, a suggestion for a topic or otherwise discussion? One thing that has been bothering me for years: the strong desire, perhaps impulsive, behavior to buy and acquire things, too much to the point of cluttering space and affecting my ADHD, OCD, and anxiety(hoarding of nice collections and tools, etc). It seems the nice things Ive acquired is never enough satisfaction, only temporary. The obvious solution is to STOP as well as rid the clutter. I believe this behavior is due to boredom, or maybe not feeling loved or needed. IDK. After I graduated college at age 22, I became very depressed, likely due to boredom and excitement from the intensity college seemed to satisfy. I remember years ago, I thought it would be cool to live in a department store or museum for whatever odd reason I think I am about there now. Why? I have way too many hobbies and I love to read and learn. But, I am in my 50s living with Bipolar, both major depressive and mania, and have for decades. I cannot relax and focus enough to organize all of this as it is very overwhelming. I just want to avoid it and sleep away this "noise" out of my mind. How does one stop this behavior? And why the behavior? Would you kindly consider a presentation of this subject for all? I searched your videos to see if you have addressed this, perhaps you have? Thank you. -Tyler

[@GoldenVulpes]

My mom would always say to me when I was little "kill them with kindness" whenever I had a problem with someone 😅

[@marlowalexander7677]

Thank you for your content, Dr. Marks. Sincerely.

[@sheilabrennan5543]

I was a people pleaser and I am learning I don’t have to be.

[@alinecardoso9668]

I have a tendency to prioritize the happiness of others. A friend of mine invited me to join her for Carnival, a widely celebrated holiday in my country. Shortly after, my sister extended an invitation for me to travel with her as well. Not wanting to disappoint my sister, I ended up accompanying both of them. However, my sister's behavior became increasingly bothersome. Fortunately, my friend happens to be a trained psychologist. My sister complained incessantly, nitpicking everything from the food to expressing disdain for cats, despite knowing how much my friend adores them and lost her two cats. It became apparent that my sister wanted to be right about almost everything, a trait she often exhibits with me. Nevertheless, I hadn't anticipated her treating my friend the same way

[@TorianaHolmes]

You saved me Ms.Dr.Tracy . Thank you

[@GodisLovetoo]

Let your no mean no and your yes mean yes!