6 Steps To Re-Engage A Fearful Avoidant After A Conflict | Disorganized Attachment & Core Wounds

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In this video, I talk about the 6 steps to re-engage a fearful avoidant after a conflict.
What are some of your strategies to re-engage your partner after a fight or a disagreement?
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[@roshalllambert]

Thank you Thais for these tips!! it will help me communicate with the FAs in my life

[@stevensantora2976]

Summary of the Video Points: 1. Give space (10-15 minutes) 2. Validate their feelings 3. Ask if they're willing to work it out 4. Hear them out 5. What do you need to feel relieved? 6. Share your needs and thoughts

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Thanks Steven :)

[@austinnguyen9107]

Thanks!

[@libnabarron6000]

I so appreciate the FA content lately; thank you Thais!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome Libna!

[@pikapoka17]

Thank you, this is very helpful but - this kind of behaviour cannot go on repeating itself forever. One just cannot let it happen over and over and over again. I guess the partner of the FA who does not show any resolution to work on their destructive patterns needs to walk away unless they are willing to put up with stonewalling and similar trauma responses forever.

[@alainpatry]

I agree. These steps should NOT be a substitute for the FA doing the healing journey. It's us being gracious enough to stay in the relationship with them because we love them, believe in them, and are being supportive while they do their healing journey. But there should be noticeable progress in the relationship while we the receivers are using these strategies.

[@alainpatry]

Answer to opening question --> Hell yes! And.... I've also tortured myself with the question at 0:38 way too many times. Thank you for the reminder at 1:14 to have boundaries and not put up with unhealthy patterns and toxic subconscious behaviors. These are all great tips for us at the receiving end of FA's blowup now communicate later pattern BUT in my opinion… this should be a strategy to use only while the FA is actively committed to the relationship, doing the healing work, and that progress is noticeable. These tips should not be a substitute for the FA’s necessary healing journey. I'd also say that when in person, I've had SOME success with asking my FA partner to maintain physical touch after she got triggered. It took her a while to get there, and I can understand why, but eventually she did. And that was amazing. As a healing AP, I found that helped reassure me that she wasn't going anywhere because there was still a physical connection. I would also say that the first tip to give space for 10-15 minutes RARELY has been enough in my situation. On most accounts, at least half a day was required, but more often a full day or more. Which at that point, to me is communication breakdown and relationship breakdown. Whenever she finally came around, usually after me chasing a bit, it was like she had mulled things over in her mind even more, and that made the reconnection even more challenging because the dialogue that should have been with me had already taken place inside her head, by herself. :( So for me, 10-15 minutes timeout would be great and a massive improvement! Also, how the FA reacts when they are triggered can make a difference to getting to the later steps outlined here. While Thais makes it clear that we need to validate their emotions and not their behaviors, if certain things were said or done that were spiteful or trust breaking... it can be really challenging for the receiver to want to listen and truly "hear". Personally, I'm in the process of growing my balls back after being iced out so often I've lost count. Your recent videos on FA are tremendously helpful Thais! Thank you!

[@lisa4cohen]

I’m an FA working furiously on secure and I’m so sorry , we r difficult when we r triggered but we need the time out to reorganize our emotions vs our truths .. I peaced out for way too long and lost my relationship to a DA bc the us/Canadian border was shut down indefinitely and I sabotaged hard.. massive trauma trigger. I love what u wrote and yes physical connection almost minuses the fear / emotion and I’m so so sad it’s too little too late for me but I appreciate my life .. this too shall pass 🙏🏼

[@alainpatry]

@@lisa4cohen Sounds like you are really self-aware and working on changing patterns after realizing how you sabotaged. I'm sure alot of FAs don't even get to that point. (They don't know that they don't know...) So bravo, sounds like you've got this! I'm confident you'll find yourself a partner who will appreciate your dedication to the healing journey and support you as you become increasingly SA. I know I would! Hugs!

[@lisa4cohen]

This just about brings a tear to my eye.. appreciate ur words of encouragement and kindness.. we r all a work in progress and especially after Covid .. awareness is on high alert .. the most incredible thing about this journey is my x ( love of my life) is who introduced PDS and Thais to me , oh the irony 🙏🏼

[@alainpatry]

@@lisa4cohen How interesting! I have an ironic story too! I began watching PDS a year prior to meeting my FA (now ex I guess) and she was also a subscriber to this channel. One would think that both of us watching these videos (and being psychology grads) would have enabled us to have a healthier relationship... but as it stands... we were not immune to the unchecked subconscious programs being triggered. In fact, I can see the sabotaging attempts that run all the way back to the beginning ... up to the moment when she suddenly just lit a fuse and blew up our relationship to pieces. Without even allowing for a conversation! A double whammy that caused me alot of trauma (or reliving of). And it didn't have to be that way - as you can see I'm really interested in being supportive and I was super invested. The timing of theses recent FA videos is synchronistic and a blessing to me. They've really helped me understand her. How great it is that Thais can put into words what my FA would not articulate with me. I nerd out on this stuff and would have enjoyed talking about the subconscious and all, hers AND mine. I hope that one day, like you, she will wake up and realize the extent of how her subconscious programming ran the show - and maybe, just maybe come around to apologize for very specific things done to me/us (and really, herself!). As for you, I think its really great that you looked into PDS after your "love" introduced you to it. I think alot of people would get defensive about that and miss the opportunity. Just like my "love" (x) is missing a huge opportunity to grow by NOT staying with me while she works on herself. Thais never said "you have to be single to heal" LOL... she recommended leaving the relationship if your partner is not showing up, and I assure you, I was showing up. So there, c'est la vie! And by the way, you never know... your love could come back around. You said he is the love of your life... and life has a way of surprising us sometimes. Keep on your journey so that when he does, you don't push him away again! ;)

[@lisa4cohen]

@Alain ur magic and u had me at “ nerd out…” we both got this .. maybe she will wake up before it’s too late.. meanwhile let’s remain hopeful, happy and always working on being better for ourselves first and foremost… it’s been such a pleasure sharing with you and I’m beyond grateful for this channel , you, n Thais .. a fellow Canadian 🇨🇦

[@ThousandWordsMediadotcom]

Uggggh… I’m being iced out & ghosted when all I want to do is resolve conflict & start off better than we left off & evolve with all the information I’ve learned man & reconcile… damn….

[@KatyaVasilivna]

Have you? Did they end up reaching back out? Kind of in the same boat.

[@katlynradys7810]

Me too.. curious if you were able to reconcile with the FA in your life ?

[@tjr83]

As an AP, I can struggle with the giving space. My FA definitely shuts down and needs space after conflict. Recently I made the mistake of not giving space, even after it was asked for, and pushed to a place he decided to end the relationship. Trying to understand if/how to reconcile now. Your videos and courses are very helpful, so not only am I looking to reconcile, I am also looking to heal/re-program my core wounds so I can be a more secure partner with or without reconciliation.

[@compassionandwisdom4311]

Thias, your program here is simply wonderful. Thank you thank you thank you.

[@archerwalker]

Happy Birthday Thais 🎈

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you!

[@KaitlynYang]

Thank you for my daily Thaisism! More phrases and sentences about validating feelings, not behaviors please!

[@fero5978]

Thank you this is very timely and so helpful. Currently being iced out by my fa friend. I’m fa too and I think I keep making things worse. And that was so adorable when you said I don’t actually know the title of the program 😅☺️ can’t wait to look for the conflict resources in PDS. Thank you!

[@shienagable]

Have you and your friend reconciled?

[@lmart16]

Oh wow, so true. My parents recently told me that I am not easy to live with (I live out of state, and ever since I was an "adult" they often bought me alcohol at restaurants bc I was "easier to put up with"). Growing up, I realized that those who stuck around were less willing to put up with my "icing" them out, and would frequently protest my anger by invading my personal space. Friends would sit next to me in class and continue to talk to me, saying they refused to let me be angry or fight with them. My Mom would often bump into me or do something funny bordering rude around me to see if I'd notice or snap and yell at her just to break the silent treatment. Their methods were weird, but it worked. Everyone else got cut out of my life bc I had no mercy towards losing people who did anything I didn't approve of. As an adult in my 30s, I tell those I care about that if we fight, you need to learn to acknowledge, apologize, and do it fast - bc the longer you let me stay angry, the less likely it'll be that I'll recover from it. I usually hold grudges for huge personal attacks about 3 years on average - but I'm still sour on some aging since 9 years ago. I practice nonattachment but my anger and resentment towards those who use and hurt others, I just can't seem to let go of and I forgive quite easily so it takes a LOT of a series of screw ups to get written off by me (an FA). Great video.

[@angelaonthego]

And what about you? How do you respond/react when you hurt someone else?

[@nickbarbosa21]

Realistically Thais, is there any hope that FAs will one day be able to change their volatility? How probable is it that that will happen?

[@FrankM]

Watching the videos on fearful avoidants, I had thought I was one, because some of the things mentioned in those videos resonated with how I act at times. Watching this video made me question if I was truly a fearful avoidant, because I don't ever shutdown or shut a person out. I always keep the line of communication open. But I have gotten frustrated when the other person doesn't want to communicate. So I decided to take the attachment quiz and it tells me I have a secure attachment style. Now I'm just more confused.

[@Mississippian]

Don't fix it if it ain't broke 🤣

[@SS-in1ts]

Secure people feel all the things fearful avoidants do without the trauma or intense emotions- if you can regulate yourself fairly easily then you’re secure.

[@shellme79]

Have you ever been in therapy? I ask because I'm FA & I've also been in therapy & dealt with some issues. I don't do everything that is typical of FA's because I have the tools to work through my own issues & feelings. The other person's attachment style can be hugely triggering as well. My ex was a DA & I think I started off mostly secure but swung heavily into FA due to his typical DA behaviors triggering me.

[@LG-ly7di]

Man, what do you do when you feel like you've tried every way of communication you can, but they seemingly still won't give you the communication you need

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

One way is to back off and let them come to you. If they don't come to you ever, then would you want to be in a relationship with them?

[@LG-ly7di]

@@lifecoachingtoronto Thank you for the response. I do understand what you're saying, as it makes a lot of sense. After watching a lot of these videos, I think I've realized that I'm somewhat AP. I've tried to back off myself, as me and this person have been on and off for years now.

[@mertserozan7268]

Read "Non Violent Communication"

[@cognitivedissident4615]

If this sequence of responses works for my FA then I will be eternally grateful.

[@shubikl9826]

Thanks Thais. I was an anxious last year and after dealing with a DA became a FA myself and dealing with another FA. I’m very aware of myself and am mild FA but he is not aware of his behaviour as would not hear me out when trying to share the knowledge. Pff

[@shortingthetrend]

My partner is FA. Very hard to talk to her about anything cus she resorts to childish tactics or sex

[@mexi8739]

I feel exactly the same way.

[@kylehinnant514]

I know how you feel. My FA ex wife divorced me a few months ago and now will not speak with me at all. Acting just like a kid.

[@ljcallender]

Same

[@mexi8739]

Think they need time to process everything. I’m AP so this was whole shock to my system. My ex and I we do text daily and we do hang out every week or so and we have been broken up for 3.5 months. She still is there but my micro-cheating really opened up her past trauma. So if I want her I’ll have to suck it up and wait.

[@thicciesmalls]

As a FA myself, I’ve found that one way I can communicate with someone more effectively during a conflict is through texting, email, etc. It’s good for FAs because it adds a buffer to reduce reactivity, allows everyone to be more thoughtful about what they say, and makes taking breaks (from the conversation) easier to ask for if they become overwhelmed and need to get into a better headspace before continuing. Something that also helps FAs a lot is when we know what/how the other person is feeling- since a lot of the rumination + anxiety that happens is from not knowing how the other person feels, or feeling like someone’s words don’t match their actions/behavior (I know that part isn’t the most healthy, but it might be helpful idk). Just re-emphasizing or validating how you feel about the person helps. That’s just some of things I’ve noticed as a recovering FA. If you want to try to work things out with your partner, I hope this is helpful in the first stages and/or tougher parts of her healing. Also if you haven’t already- talking about both of your attachment styles and opening with something like “because I want to learn how we can communicate and support each other better” could help.

[@mexi8739]

Let’s go! My ex is FA.

[@LonelyRider87]

I lost him over an argument. He was so special to me. 😭💔

[@sophers1O1]

me too. doesnt make sense but if they cant communicate their way through conflict, they will stay behind that wall and we have to go through it on our own. we will be ok ❤

[@yellowtheresunshine]

Are many mental health diagnoses in actuality simply misunderstood attachment styles?

[@emangrabogadi1051]

As an SA leaning FA, having been with an FA casually (because they don't want to commit) haha for almost a year now- I do all this and he is the only person whom Iv been able to resolve conflict with. I do all the above, cause he just shuts down haha and validating him but speaking up about my needs, we always manage to work through conflict! It is a beautiful growth experience for me.... but truly, don't think its a situation I would want to be in long-term so slowly letting it go. But we make great friends! :) We both listen and hear each other out, and respect our differences and just make peace. However, I think he is ISTJ and I am INFP so as much as we have this amazing chemistry with no idea how so- cannot see myself with an ISTJ long-term!! 😂😂😂 Overall I am happy to feel grounded, and supported when need be and he says I take care of him and finds me too liberal haha. Funny dynamic but it works....

[@Quixote1818]

I tactfully pointed out they were stonewalling and it was likely a coping mechanisim from an old wound and I was very non-judgemental and understanding. I did validate her feelings. She finally responded back but she just said she had't been feeling good the entire week and didn't have the energy to respond back. It's been two days and she is still quiet. I don't buy this excuse so how can I get her to be honest about the situation and get real honest communication going? She still seems insecure about me knowing her core wounds may have caused this. She wants to make it sound like everything is okay. I feel if we can't have an honest dialogue on this we won't make progress. She did say she would respond back once she was feeling better. Is it possible she is just re-regulating her emotions right now before feeling comfortable talking about such intimate emotions? Thanks

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

For the FAs here, do you feel like 10-15 minutes space is enough time for you?

[@jclyntoledo]

I think it depends but if I need space I just let the person know and it's usually a few hours to a day. However everyone is different and if the person has a lot of emotional regulation issues they may need more time and it's okay to ask.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@jclyntoledo Thanks Jocelyn :)

[@dotfive5six477]

2 to 3 days stonewalling in my case

[@zellebelle7576]

Well i was iced out for 5 months!

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@zellebelle7576 Did you contact them during that time Louise? Or they blocked you & contacted you after 5 months?

[@IanRoyball128]

❤️