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I wish i watched this sooner. The DA did stick around for a while even though he told me he thought i was inconsistent and volatile so thats funny you said that but he did eventually have enough and block me.

Idk if any of this means anything because all of this happened at the beginning but then it was all fears, hiding emotional needs, saying hurtful things, and then getting super toxic on both sides. I was excited the first time I saw this video but now I am broken about it.

What do you do if the conversations don’t go anywhere or they actually cause the DA to Pull back even more?

love video, just cant believe my wife left me after 18 years, she just left me. she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. Ive tried everything possible to get her back, but nothing seems to work and I cant stop thinking about her Im frustrated I dont see my life with anyone else. Ive done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I cant I dont know why I'm saying this here, I really miss her and just cant stop thinking about her

This is crazy because. In the beginning my avoidant was super responsive and we'd go out or he'd come over. But a month in I started seeing him less and less - maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. Then not at all. By month 3 or 4 after inconsistently seeing him but talking every day he tells me he loves me. Month 5 he's talking abut eloping with me. He has still never had me over to his place nor have I met any friends or family. Month 6 I'm his date to his brothers wedding where he basically acted like I wasn't there. The next day he pulled away so hard and asked for space. A week later he didn't wish me happy birthday, a week after that, when I asked if he was OK he said he was managing. A few days later I found out he had a child with another woman. He didn't even tell me, I found out myself.... Looking back it all makes sense. From there he and I tried but the lies continued and his avoidance only grew.no one can help that man. Not only was my anxious attachment triggered after working so hard to become secure, but the trauma bond is strong. And I'm embarrassed and ashamed of all that I allowed to happen... 😔 I'm trying to heal. My brain won't let go - I am still losing sleep over it

Can we talk about how TRUST and CONSISTENCY are the 2 biggest things for FAs. Just show those 2 and you will be golden. I've have very very long relationships until either trust or consistency was broken

Thankyou for this information Thais. I've recently learned that I'm FA (with DA and AP traits, yay.. 😕) I'm doing all the work I can to move to an SA type, I've watched many of your videos in the last month, (along with heaps of others from other sources too, along with some face-to-face therapy) and the journey into myself has been heartbreaking but at the same time eye-openingly necessary for my own growth. My partner of 3+ years needed to step away from "us" almost 2 months ago now, and I've been in a world of hurt since. Everything makes so much more sense now that I have this information about how and why I would think and react in the ways which became so detrimental to the relationship.. As our relationship grew, and talk of full commitment got serious, I could feel my walls going up, and I didn't know why my brain was doing this to me, since I love her (yes present tense - I'm not giving up on her) so, so deeply, she's the greatest woman to have ever come in to my life, why was I shutting her out of my heart..? I couldn't work it out, it was driving me crazy. She tried so hard, for so long, but our communication systems were wrong, I could hear what she was saying, and I wanted to make changes, (and quite a few I did), but we were approaching conflict situations in the wrong way, and it all became too much for her, she burned out, and needed to pull away.. 😥 However, now that I DO know what the issues are I'm retraining my BTEA systems, and taking a beat before responding and reacting to all situations in my day-to-day.. I'm using every but of knowledge and all the tips I've gathered to improve myself, so I can be the best version of me possible. I will get back to being the guy she saw in me, the guy she fell in love with. And just maybe, she take another look.. Then I can help her with her AP/FA type, (quite the mix, weren't we? 🤔😉) I would also like to offer a bit of advice which has taken a HUGE weight of my shoulders - forgiving my parents. They did rhe best they could, with the tools, skills and knowledge they had going into parenthood back in the late 70's.. but they are Boomers, they were brought up in a very different time to me, a Gen-X. How we were raised and treated in the 70's and 80's was very different to how I'm now raising my own daughter.. I'm hoping my daughter won't be needing to learn about correcting her Attachment Type at age 47, like I just have.. Sorry for the long post. But I had to share my experience And thank you again for your work 😊

Well I've royally f*cked up with my FA in no contact. I was completely blindsided by the break-up and not familiar with attachment styles beforehand. I was suspecting depression as a side affect of medication he was taking and was giving him time and space to figure it our for himself while offering my support where ever I could. I admit that he triggered me in some ways, my own insecurities came back around after staying dormant for five years with him. I felt that some things were going unspoken and started to get insecure and afraid of him leaving me. So I lashed out sometimes, which is something I was working on (I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and emotional regulation is my top priority). He broke up with me after a couple of things happened in our relationship. He was vulnerable with me; showing his childhood pictures, 4 years after his mother (only caretaker) died (!). He was bedridden for a few weeks due to a pretty traumatic operation involving an abdominal wall hernia. I think the fact that he was dependent on me scared him shitless. After his recovery he went in to workaholic mode, right before we went on our holiday. He showed signs of travel anxiety, which he had before, but not in this extremity. We had an altercation during a hike. He ignored my fears for thunder, I reacted by running away down the mountain, leaving him - triggered by his abandonment wounds. Something I realized after we broke up, because in that moment we only talked about the surface feelings and it felt like he was not opening up to me - again, triggering me. During our holiday we got offered the opportunity to buy the house I'm currently renting. He started considering this option very seriously. At least, that is wat it seemed like to me. After we returned from our holiday, he got back in workaholic mode. I started a new internship and we hosted my parents (which made us both forget our anniversary of 6 years, tragic). After my parents left (they live abroad) he broke up with me. I asked for one week of 'thinking time' in which he of course felt relieved. After that week we broke up for good without exchanging keys and him saying that he needed to work on himself. The spark was gone. He wanted to figure out why his childhood trauma was prohibiting him committing to someone and why he let things break apart. He told me he still loved me but that his love was stuck behind a stone. He told me his walls were back up and that his personality felt corroded. I cried for him, not only because my hart was broken, but because I understood his pain and I desperately wanted to be there for him. We parted ways saying the door was closed for 99%. After four weeks of no contact (we still followed each other on social media, but I tried not watching his stories, he watched mine though, the few I posted) I had enough of the uncertainty. So I asked if I could stop by. We talked, I apologized for my lashing out in the last phase of our relationship and he jumped on the opportunity to blame a lot on me. I saw how much he was hiding his suffering from me, but when he broke down while telling me about his best friend expecting his first child, he angrily refused to be comforted by me. He also finally admitted that us not having an active sexual relationship was part of the problem, something he did not admit before. It's something we've had troubles with - I also thought due to depression/medication. We parted making jokes an almost kissed. I asked him if he could let me know when somebody else was in the picture, he promised me that he was in no way ready for somebody else. The next 5 weeks I stayed in no contact. But we watched each others stories. He posted some love songs, songs that represented a lot of my and I hoped, his feelings. I was not necessarily hoping for a reconnect, but it felt 'better' that we were both trying hard to heal ourselves and that he was maybe missing me. His birthday, Christmas and New Years came and went without contact. I was pretty proud of myself. Until he posted a song that was so sexual, that my intuition screamed at me about a third party. Later, I checked his Spotify and noticed him making several play lists (in December and January), containing all the previously mentioned love songs, with another girl. I was devastated. Called him, because I could not handle not knowing. He admitted falling in love with a colleague. I took this as the last opportunity to explain my feelings, because I've tried to be very 'demure' and understanding in all of our previous conversations. I explained to him how he made me feel insecure, that I thought he was running away, that I not only felt broken hearted but split in two parts. He kept saying I was stupid for keeping hope. But at the same time, was insulted that my parents (especially my mother, with whom he had a good relationship) did not reach out to him and was surprised that I wanted out of his Netflix and HBO account because 'you can still use it right?'. He also stated that he was learning to love himself and taking care of himself (something I ALWAYS encouraged him to do with minimal criticism) and when asked how he was expecting to do this while throwing himself into a new relationship, he stated that 'he could not help whom he was falling in love with'. I hung up confused, angry and completely shattered. I blocked him on Instagram, he blocked me on Spotify. I still have access to his Netflix and HBO and my mother has not reached out to him. I broke contact with his friends. And assume he is happy in love with this new girl. I don't know why I am typing this entire story here. It feels a bit cathartic. I still love him deeply. I planned a future with him. We were taking slow steps, because we both were scared of change. But I had no clue he was that afraid of commitment. I always felt he was my twin flame, I never believed in that stuff before I met him. He made me feel like I could be me, and that I was enough for 5 years in a relationship and 2 years in a friendship. The last year was catastrophic for our relationship, and I wish he shared his doubts with me so we could've worked it out. I still believe he loves me but pushed his feelings down. I still believe he is on the run from pain and depression with this new girl. I hope he has the right support around him, I know he misses his mother. I want to let him go, but also still can't believe it's really over.

Click to the 5:00 mark for where she responds to how to handle breadcrumbing

I used to be a FA and dam i do not miss these hot and cold feelings at alllll.

Yes. The ultimatum or anything that seems like an ultimatum gives them an out even if they weren't planning on leaving.

My ex FA just broke up with me (amicable after 5 years together), and offered right away to remain friends. I declined the "generous" offer . We agreed to be on no contact for now on after the break up. After viewing this video, I'm wondering whether it is even worth the time and effort to try to reconnect with a FA 😮😮. Do FA(more anxious) actually consider a new relationship with their ex?

I think that most of them stay with the ones they have sex with first. Because then they get attached. They stay long enough to let the relationship develop. But when you don't start out with sex and wait a while - then they sometimes get scared to have sex because they realize it's 'the next step' and then they're definitely in a relationship. They actually do better with the ones they sleep with right away. I hate today that but its true. They get really attached and bonded.

But do they think about or even miss their ex a year into no contact?

Really🤔so being polite, helpful and kind is really a devious trick erm…

They are cheaters also

Something I don’t think is talked about enough is how often and the duration that people really do dismiss our feelings. I have never met someone, friend, family, or romantic interest who actually cared enough to validate the communication that you’re teaching. At what point is it not common sense and sanity to stop doing something that results in the same invalidating outcomes? Telling us to keep trying just isn’t adding up. The majority of humans simply do not have the social skills to reciprocate communication, vulnerability, and understanding.

What should I do coach?, my ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago, I deleted her from my followers on instagram about 3 weeks in, I was only in no contact and didn’t beg or or anything, but just yesterday, she followed me again.., I don’t understand, she knows I removed her before, why does she add me again when i can do the same thing again? Should I contact them and ask them to please stop this behavior? I think she is an avoidant.

My fearful avoidant ex girlfriend broke up with me again a week ago, for the 6th time and my fault again, the anger and hatred when she broke up with me again and the stuff she said to try and hurt me was something else so I've been trying to treat it as a proper break up this time and I've stayed away even though my hearts breaking and I'm riddled with anxiety, she messaged me today to tell me she was in hospital and wanted to tell me herself in case someone else did, there's no one that would have been able to tell me though. It was a suspected mini stroke bur she's been cleared, she's been very cold while she's been talking to me, telling me she's moving on with her life and how I'm no good for her, apart from being concerned about her being in hospital I was cheery and just matched her energy when she spoke about moving on, I don't know what to do 😭

Wow that really answers why my DA ex was like this. But its still not okay that my needs werent being met

I’ve been burned twice by an FA. Trouble is that she doesn’t even know that she is one. After the last stonewalling, monkey branching escapade, I have yet to hear from her. The pushing away and silent treatment was bad enough, but the cheating while we were still in the relationship was the last straw. Never received the courtesy of an apology or any sort of explanation. She created chaos and then ran away leaving me to deal with the mess. It’s great if the FA realizes that they have this issue and want to deal with it, however, if they refuse to face their issues head on, then all the help that they could find that’s out their is a moot point. They have to want to fix the problem.

My two cents. Being married to a dismissive avoidant, if I knew this earlier, I would definitely encourage middle ground in the marriage. Giving them space until they are ready is not fair. They have to understand their behaviors are not healthy for you. It had to be a give and take. The Avoidant should not have their wants and needs met and they are not giving anything. It had to be a we effort.

Dated a DA short term and he still threw me away after a LDR of maybe 6 months. I was 💯 supportive of him but that was my fault.

All your videos are life-changing. I'm watching them during my break up with my Dismissive Avoidant bf and trying to heal my Anxious attachment style in the process and they ALL are so helpful. Thank You for sharing your expertise! I realize that I agreed to move across the country to move in with my bf who charmed me with all his good qualities, but quickly began to retreat, which caused me to seek him out more and you know the rest. Then I found he was texting someone in an inappropriate tone and then tried to explain it all away and gaslighting me about it. "Exclusivity" evidently is different in his world. Worst of all - I abandoned myself by living in his house. Oddly, I know he loves me, and I love him, he's been wonderful in so many ways, BUT I didn't receive what I needed in a relationship - exclusivity, honesty and showing up (ok he did in non-relationship areas of life). So now he's abruptly moved on with old flames where he doesn't have to offer any emotional investment, but I'm stuck living here with the guy who broke my heart. I'm going to take your advice here and really REALLY look at my part in all this, what part of me did I abandon in order to gain the 'love' I was wanting? You're right, knowing what I want in all my relationships is crucial to create a life lived from the inside out.

i was just like you, wondering why some people effortlessly draw attention while i felt invisible. nothing i tried seemed to work. then i came across Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and it completely shifted my perspective. the way chapter 3 explains energy and presence? it’s like unlocking the secret to being noticed.

been there, feeling like no matter how hard i tried, i just didn’t stand out. then i picked up Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and honestly, it changed everything. chapter 3 opened my eyes to how energy works-it’s not about effort, it’s about alignment. people started noticing me in ways they never had before.

for the longest time, i thought being magnetic was something you either had or didn’t. i used to watch others shine while i felt stuck. then i found Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and it made me realize it’s all about the vibe you give off. chapter 3 especially changed the way i carry myself-it’s such a powerful shift.

if you’ve ever felt like no one notices you, trust me, i get it. i felt like that for years, trying all the confidence hacks and advice out there. but nothing clicked until i read Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. there’s something about chapter 3-it’s like the missing puzzle piece i didn’t know i needed.

these are the kind of irresponsible clickbait titles i referred to in another video. stop encouraging anxious folks to change who they are in hopes they'll win their avoidant!

I can tell the difference between past trauma and current situations and even tell myself in the moment that they are not the same. Sometimes my body can't tell the difference though. I'll still get that anxious feeling in my tummy when things feel off. That's when I go quiet. I'll talk through it with people who ask or I know are receptive to hearing what I have to say, but if I feel like it will fall on deaf ears I'll go silent. Now I'm learning that those people I don't feel comfortable opening up to are not meant to be in my life. I don't want to censor myself for anyone, but that's what we do if we feel it's pointless to bring something up.

FA here, this is incredibly valuable information 💯 well done

Whenever you say “but or because” is setting us up for an excuse for them and when you say “just” it’s cushioning for minimizing our feelings and their actions. It’s so hard to love an avoidant

👏👏

"It all starts with you; only you can free yourself."

Watching this video is good timing. There are several FA women I know who have been in the on again, off again relationship dynamic with their boyfriends. One was on and off for the last four years and recently ended things (we'll see if it sticks) and the other called me last night "terrified" of her boyfriend. Ironically, she goes through this every several months and always goes back to him. It has happened for the last three years and our mutual friends don't even bother to respond to it anymore. That said, watching this video gives me insight into how this dynamic plays out. As someone who lives drama free and never gets sucked into this type of thing, it was hard to understand why this seems to happen so often. It's almost as if people are so desperate for companionship that they're willing to rush their own health to get it (kind of like a drug addict). Either way, it reinforces for me why focusing on my interests, hobbies, and career goals is and always will be number one. Most people bring drama; few bring peace. I'd rather wait and find that needle in the haystack than settle for what's available. I hope my friends can heal someday and get their romantic lives on the right track.

I've been that person and it sucked to realize that i was doing that, I've also since been with that person and attempted to talk them through it but realized that i can't do anything about it if they're not ready and had to re m walk away. That sucked too.

I've been in an on and off, hot and cold relationship since Valentines day of 2023, and it became a serious relationship on St. Paddy's day of the same year. She lives in Scotland and I in the U S..... I visited her in the spring and spent the summer in Glasgow, where she lives. I have always wanted to go to Scotland as my ancestors are from the Glasgow area, and was planning a trip there for years. I am planning on moving to Scotland this year regardless of what may happen between us. She had a horrendous childhood filled with violence, alcohol and trauma from an abusive father and mother. She was diagnosed with CPTSD and within the last 10 years with fibromyalgia. I love this woman in spite of the challenges and see that she needs and wants love. She has cut communication for the 4th time in the last year and she has always reestablished contact with after about 2 months or so....and i have welcomed her contact. I've been patient and as understanding as I can be and know that what she does , not out of malicious reasons. She is reacting to old triggers and has told me several times it's not me. I think she loves me and that is why she she continues to re- contact me.....but I'm in a holding pattern and am heartbroken.

My ex-husband and I have been dating. He opened up a lot in the beginning but has kept me at an arms length in regards to introducing me back into his life. When I told him there needs to be movement in the relationship he pulls away and doesn’t plan to meet up at all. I thought we were dating and now he’s basically disappeared. I’m so tired of the confusion

Are all women using you? 80% of all divorces are filled by women

Thank you, Thais - this video hits home and came to my aid in a timely fashion! ❤

I love that you're doing this to help and not for the money. Thank u. Ur beautiful

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Greetings to all who are reading this. My heart is broken right now. I'm distraught and heartbroken after my ex-partner left me a few weeks ago, and this relationship is the finest thing that has ever happened to me. I made an effort, but I was unable to win him back. I know it's inappropriate for me to post this here, but I'm at a loss for what to do.

I just had a hard breakup. It's been really difficult since my five-year relationship ended a few months ago. My former partner is still very much in my heart, and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Nothing has worked to get him back, and at this point, it seems impossible to be with anyone else. I know it may seem strange to admit this, but I miss him terribly and think about him constantly.

My experience is that when the conversation is intense, or physically up close, he will look away. I often wondered why ...almost felt like he was repulsed (which is crazy because he 'used to say' how beautiful I am) So this is helpful to me.

Thank you. I’ve learned my gal IS NOT using me. She checks off all of these points, in other words she is doing exactly the opposite.

neither of those are boundaries tho... boundaries are, as far as I know, regarding our own behaviour only. we can communicate how we will react in order to protect ourselves, when they do a certain thing. but we can't police them to do a certain thing. that would be an "expectation", not a boundary, because it it focused on THEIR behaviour/actions, not ours.

I must admit DROSAGG you're indeed a great man who knows he's job, thanks for bringing back my relationship which I lost over 6 months ago.🫶🫶

I must admit DROSAGG you're indeed a great man who knows he's job, thanks for bringing back my relationship which I lost over 6 months ago.🫶🫶