A Dramatic Turn Around | Managing Our Explosive Child

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[@Mscursed2]

Let her be exactly who she is

[@becoming_kara]

Yes!! It is the more challenging route for the parent, but best for the kid and love how they recognize that. That’s fantastic parenting right there

[@Lalalalala...]

To an extent tho. Kids still need boundaries. But yes I agree partially. You kind of need to accept your kid for who they are and learn how to best adapt to their natural personality that way you can raise them in a way that helps them grow into a functioning adult. Prob is it is easier said than done

[@thoughtfulpro371]

What? 😂 To the parents detriment? They should be able to live normal lives and eat at restaurants & walk down the street.

[@Freedom_and_Acceptance]

Of course, a child being able to express themselves is important to an extent. When children get too much space and if they have a lot of fire and are challenging their parents all day long because of it, this will actually not allow them to become who they are. They will expect that the world will have the same lack of boundaries and that they can do whatever they want, without consequences. I've raised my daughter by myself from day one and she is like this. She used to tease and scare our dog to get my attention, and laughed in my face when I got angry. That is a part of her, because she is strong willed and independent, and this also needed the most correction from me. To be able to live my own life and be a good example for her, I needed to restrain her more than I thought I could. If I had let her be like some people suggested, she would have become a tirant and never take accountability for her actions. Children need boundaries and some need it more than others. If you let your child walk all over you, they think they can do that with everyone and in the end they will become depressed and have low self esteem because they can't get along with other people. You need to look at every child individually and think about what their behaviour would look like in the future. If we don't let them know that some things are unacceptable, they will continue to do these things as adults and we really need to think twice if that is something we would want.

[@logannj]

Y’alls transparency about parenting is so admirable. Y’all say the quiet parts out loud and there is SO MUCH parent shame for doing so. Thank you for being real about the journey!

[@meloniebrown6844]

I loved the way you described this. the quite parts out loud. I adore the way you guys communicate. period.

[@tarachristina3922]

💯

[@blossomx1804]

Damn Jared is spitting facts. I am definitely that kid who lacked identity and didn't have an opinion beyond ones her parents gave her. It did cripple me in life. All the good grades and good manners couldn't help me when it came time to choosing what I wanted in life and having the courage to go after it.

[@mahoganypeacesounds8730]

This was so relatable to me! I feel like my personality was beat out of me. Grew into an adult who was always trying to please others and just be liked. I raise my son to literally be himself. To express his emotions and just be expressive.

[@blossomx1804]

@@mahoganypeacesounds8730 The personality beat out of you- I felt that. Kudos to you, this hard lesson is gunna pay off for my future kids too.

[@blossomx1804]

@@mahoganypeacesounds8730 and the people pleasing...I'm STILL working on all of it.

[@walala209]

I'm 25 and I had to bond to terms with this cause I genuinely feel like my mom didn't give me the chance to explore

[@petrasavic7441]

I have an explosive child and I have tips that changed everything: 1. 5 minute rule - do you want to do this now or in 5 minutes? I use this when I have to go with plan A (firm boundary). This gives them time to prepare and feel like they have a choice. Bonus if you have sand timer so they can see the time is up! 2. Shan said golden advice: Don't ask them why are they upset if they are unable to express it yet - instead you give them options (are you upset because dad said no? are you upset because you are tired?...) 3. When they are crying you don't tell them: stop crying! you guide them out of their emotions: tell them it is ok to feel that way then tell them they can express it then be specific in wich ways it is acceptable to express anger,sadness...( my child was biting and hiting, so I say no that is not ok, you can stomp your feet/ beat a pillow/ take a paper and ruin it and than teach them how to calm down (we count to ten and breathe, but there is a million tehniques one being having a tent that the child can go in when they feel upset and have things there that calm them down, guided meditations you name it! ) ) 4.books, books,books! I read my child books who are written by psyhologists that show specific situations and how are they handeled, and these book eaven have a part that explains why and how to act for parents! for example: lion gets mad because someone told him no, or zebra is afraid when parents yell ( books are in Serbian, I would link them otherwise. I am sure that they have more options in USA ) this way I get to talk to him about his emotions in a neutral setting - when we are both calm show him that he is not the only one going trough these emotions and I learn how to menage his emotions the right way! I know it is exausting to find and maintain the space for your kids emotions 24/7, to orient your day and plans around their emotions and to be patient! As they get older, (and if you give them tools) it gets easier ! Good luck! ps. I really hope you read this comment, you two have been such a big help in my adult life and the way I navigate my relationships! I wish I could be of any help to you two❤

[@shanboody]

This is a beautiful comment I love it love it I love it thank you! I do the same with anger, she hits or spits when mad and when I redirect her she goes and hits a pillow and I say that’s okay. You said it perfectly and we have a few books in heavy rotation but I definitely need to expand in the direction you suggested

[@roweishagray9966]

Jared is SO even tempered and communicative. It’s really beautiful to watch you two have a conversation

[@ScienceNsoul3]

I was a nanny for 9yrs, and now am a nurse. I specialized in working with families who had children like Ryu. I have absolutely no advice, because there is no “right” answer beyond the one you two have already chosen which is to love her and each other through it all. The ride is bumpy, it is. But you have all that you need in your village, intuition, resources, and Ryu’s love. I’m praying for you and sending love!🩵

[@Everyoneisanartist776]

Beautiful words of encouragement. God bless you ❤

[@yaaaalodie]

Honestly. Toddlers don't need your expectations 😂😂😂😂😂 they are experiencing their own version of our world's.

[@nolusizodlalisa5573]

Beautiful!!

[@BriannaSam1]

Literally almost the exact same comment! And now I'm a nurse as well. You're so right.

[@ScienceNsoul3]

@@BriannaSam1 LOL! It figures we’re both fans of Shan Boody! Same tribe, same vibes🥰. Sending you love as well sis!🩵

[@jackintheboxhater222]

I love how he speaks so positively about his daughter.

[@omowhanre]

As a strict parent this gave perspective. I really need to calm down on the judgement of other parents even when I think I am not. We are all in this together and need to have compassion.

[@serrgggeo]

Jared's got the right mindset, managing behavior, but not sweating it. She's been on this blue marble for 2 years! It takes us nearly 30 to figure it out a little ha! ❤

[@lmpreston1]

Some of the smartest and strongest kiddos start as the most challenging kids. That is why having kids changes us more than we realize.

[@gabriellewaugh]

Jared is a great dad. Growing up I wished I had a father that would at least try to understand me. Beautiful.

[@grayskindablue]

My first thought was growing up undiagnosed ADHD and ASD, and watching my nephews deal with the same. I urged my sibling to get the first kid some support but she wasn’t taking any suggestions, now there’s three preteens really struggling. I know you said there wasn’t a developmental delay, but it’s not always a case of milestones alone. Neurodivergence is a massive spectrum. Highly suggest looking further into that.

[@judyarlene]

ASD definitely doesn't always have a developmental delay (and has high levels of intelligence overall) so that was my first thought as well. Especially with her being the oldest sibling. Every oldest sibling in my family is on the ASD spectrum to some degree, as well as others too. Might not be this case for Ryu but it doesn't hurt to look into.

[@sammierose1150]

I agree, as a person with ADHD (Inattentive type) and on the Autistic spectrum, everything they’re describing about Ryu sounds extremely familiar and very similar to the symptoms my parents said I had as a young child (before my personal memory kicked in) and what I do have personal recollection of. I know it was frustrating for my parents to have to deal with, especially since back then there wasn’t as much awareness, and thus compassion and understanding about it, and so they weren’t given the proper tools to help me manage my symptoms. Nowadays, since there’s a lot more information out there surrounding the disorder, I’m able to manage my symptoms much more effectively and efficiently, to the point where I can easily function in society as a happy healthy individual 😊🫶

[@georginahollifield5669]

PDA specifically I find working towards having a low demand lifestyle works well for managing explosive behaviour (as the demands are the trigger))

[@mimi2613]

I was thinking the same thing.

[@KellieAlston]

Thank you for saying this as I was about to suggest the same.

[@VanillaCokeFriends]

My husband is the most centered, most compassionate, gentle yet strong man I've ever known, and yet my mother in law said he was a nightmare child to raise. His undiagnosed adhd really made things rough for them. For me, I was an angel child to raise, yet I am barely functioning emotionally as an adult. I guess you never know!

[@courtneyg3038]

The autistic spectrum is so wide and a lot of the characteristics you describe of your daughter those are on them. Girl children are not as quick to be diagnosed unfortunately and a diagnosis is important just to get the support not only for her but for parents. You two are doing an amazing job!

[@constructingadditionalpylo8597]

It's so wonderful to hear two parents discuss their kids true personalities, how they feel their kids are as people.

[@angelamarks3050]

I have raised 4 children and I can say I have 2 very determined & challenging children. Both of which are now incredible! It is true, if you learn how to foster that strong will and teach balance, they go on to be such world changers. My daughter is the first girl wrestler to win All American for the entire county. She knows what she wants and goes for it! I am in awe of her personality now. But trust… she was HARD! And I lost my cool many times. You are both doing a great job 👏🏽 The fact that you are talking and reflecting is key

[@soilgrasswaterair]

I studied psychology at uni. and one thing they mentioned was the idea many adults have (parents and non parents) of *how* a child is suppose to be, and if the child ventures out of that it becomes an issue and something that needs to be dealt with unless the child is very ”easy going” but still not really having an interest in being included because they feel satisfied with their own thoughts. Then add the gender stereotype for girls, how they sadly often can be considered ”too active and too determined etc” if they venture outside of that stereotype or outside of what people accept for boys. Meeting a child and unconditional love is the route, instead of doing what many sadly do, which is to try to control and mold the child and that only results in giving the child stress, shame and guilt. Children are also individuals and sure sometimes it’s just personality or in some cases it’s mental health or cognitive. I do love though that we are not putting a diagnosis on a child before a certain age because not every child has eg. autism simply because they don’t fit into a social norm. *It’s just lovely that the children are here and as adults we need to guide them in a gentle way, so they can grow into adults with an intact self-esteen and the ability to be independent* ❤ Another aspect is (the general one and not for Shan and their family), is that a child can behave outside of the expected norm if they are struggling with something- a trauma tied to the family, so people reallyneed to be careful to judge a child’s behavior and not pass them off as ”not disciplined”. / Scandinavian

[@becoming_kara]

Ryu is going to be an absolutely powerhouse when she’s older. I can’t wait.

[@jessicacolon5265]

Jared said don't talk about my baby like that lmao. This is a great conversation. I have a STRONG willed child who exibited a lot of those same behaviours. He ended up being diagnosed both ADHD and ASD.

[@bubblesnblossom5233]

Working on assessments with my eldest to push for a diagnosis and educational plan. She is still super challenging, daily things are a shock to the system (hygeine and self care particularly) tantrums everyday etc. Is hard to remind myself that as difficult as it is for me to navigate her moods/behaviour it must be heckin tough for her too, if not moreso.

[@heywhatupitsash7389]

I was a pretty emotionally challenging child for my parents and, much like Jared said, their approach was to break my spirit into submission. I can tell you as an adult, it has severely impacted me. So in some way hearing you both embrace her energy rn in your own ways and still as a unit is so healing. Loved hearing you be so observant of your children's natural behaviour from a place of support and awareness.

[@andrea384]

agreeeeeeed

[@Everyoneisanartist776]

What is your relationship like these days. My parents are still trying to break my spirit and I’m 45. I do all I can to not have to be engaged with them.

[@jclyntoledo]

Yeah I can relate with that. Although, my family is really bad with boundaries so now that I'm an adult and I say my boundaries and I enforce them I'm looked at as the bad person at least half the time.

[@DakotaDistracted]

This comment really worded my feelings well 💛🤞🏾 I enjoyed this episode

[@caramelcheezit6978]

Hey same, I was listening and thinking the same thing. My parents had a lot of fears and I suppressed my own aggressiveness and strong will alot. The thing people don't tell you is that other factors can even suppress you, especially as a woman. Partners, friends, family ofc. Especially as you grow older and tantrums aren't tantrums anymore, they are real exploration even in sexuality, thoughts, etc. I know that girls with this personality are really often glossed over and even their needs aren't met cuz they seem like they get what they want. That happened to me; my parents would think they gave ne what I wanted but always had a limit in their head that was based on culture and idea of what they wanted me to become. I never felt understood.... I grew up to suppress myself and deal with their emotions, and often still exploded cuz they made me feel insufferable. My partner was the one to see me for me. Now, after college he has shown me what true love is. He saw me for me, loves me for who I am, and has encouraged me to be who I am everyday and works with me to reduce my trauma and just give myself a chance. He's quite literally given me the love a parent should have given me. He's my dream man... at first I didn't even know he could love me that much. He has all the traits I've always looked for and enjoy... he sees me and I see him for who he is. We now are working on ourselves to give ourselves the love we didn't get before. He's been shat on for who he was growing up by his family for being exploratory, visionary, and expressive. Just due to expectations they had and triggers they came with from their past lives.... he was made to think he wasn't being masculine enough and had to be more sensory so women could like him... It really fucking hurts everytime I think about it. There's going to be someone who loves you for you and visa versa. I learned from him that It always starts from understanding yourself and boy is it a journey.

[@abcdefg13579ish]

I see the other ppl saying look into ADHD/ASD and that's the immediate thought I had listening to this. Growing up undiagnosed AuDHD/neurodivergent there's soooo much that can look to others like just being difficult or being 'moody' but a lot of it boils down to over/under stimulation or discomfort (about things that might not make sense to anyone else, like having water on your hands or different texture socks lol) and being disciplined or yelled at or hit or whatever doesn't help -- understanding does. When you said you give her options of how she might feel that's soo so helpful! Sometimes it's hard to identify what's bothering us (partly because of how overstimulating things can be) and so even just hearing that someone is there to try and understand and explore that with you is helpful. Hearing this from a parents perspective versus my lived experience as a kid is so interesting. And I feel for her and for you both!

[@EmpressAshe]

Wait That's something I'll have to look into cause I could relate to that

[@liacharisma]

I was a tantrum child and bizarrely I remember how I was feeling while I was writhing on the floor and screaming at the top of my lungs. It’s one of my earliest memories. The frustration came from not understanding WHY my parents said no to something when I also understood that they had the power to say yes and do whatever it is I wanted. I couldn’t compute WHY they’d say no when they could just make me happy by saying yes.

[@GinettesAButterfly]

Ryu needs a bit of grace, she’s just a child. And one who comes from two intelligent parents. Nothing to fear. She’s learning about the world and absorbing that information in an expressive “wild” way. Although she’s different and maybe more energetic, that’s the gift God have her. Maybe put her in sports since she seems more kinesthetic. Maybe arts since she’s more emotional. There isn’t a right way or digestible way to be a child. Ryu was born to you two for a reason. Let nature run its course. She will be just as bright and brilliant as you two. In the end her perceived wildness may be the strength for her to succeed.

[@alishabrownknowles]

Even though this was directed to Shan and Jared, this also spoke to me as well. I don’t have any kids yet and Im really afraid to have them due to possibly having to go through what they’re going through for example. However, I think the points you mentioned would be helpful for a child developing and navigating this life and for parents to assist and gain relief as well. Thank you.

[@kinndah2519]

​@@alishabrownknowlesThere's nothing to be scared of, Toddlerhood is only lasts 3 yrs. It's not worth sacrificing all of parenthood if you want it just because a total of three years will be a bunch of crying. We aren't permanent toddlers.

[@kinndah2519]

She's not even that much of a child yet, she's a toddler.

[@brittnibenjamin5404]

Omg as a child/adolescent therapist, I wish the parents I worked with would be this open, but I also understand it isn’t that easy (as a parent). Two things I stress with parents are co-regulating emotions with your child and giving names to/defining emotions so your child learns to communicate their needs. Y’all are doing an awesome job! ❤❤

[@TamsPsychAdvice]

I have no idea 🤷‍♀️. But, she might like a more structured approach, and not a so much you are free to be who you are. The opposite of what you might think because she’s strong-willed. That might be where the frustration is coming in. Example- when dad told her you’re not getting the yogurt, it calmed her down. He told her what was going to happen, and that gave her peace. A strong willed child might not need the let’s explore your feelings approach, everything is open to figure out and be free. Be consistently direct instead of let’s try this or that. People who are not very flexible like to know exactly what’s happening, what’s next, what are the rules so I can learn to follow them, predictability. They like a schedule and not Just trying to explore. The key issue: she’s frustrated. Why??? That’s the question to explore. She’s two years old not an adult yet so just because we have no impulse control when it comes to I want that candy bar, doesn’t need to be projected onto her. She needs parenting and guidance because she doesn’t have the capacity to know. Giving her too much decision-making at this age can frustrate her. It isn’t freeing and you’re not stifling her. So you have to take charge of what’s good for her and not worry about how you feel as an adult. Lots and lots of hugs to you. I can see you’re trying soooooo hard.

[@freshface420]

This is great advice.

[@DelphiYouSay]

Yeah, same

[@Sid-ko9fx]

Good advice

[@kaylastewart2990]

I have a child just like their’s! At 4 he was diagnosed with severe ADHD, he thrives on structure and predictability.

[@EmpressAshe]

​@@kaylastewart2990 could you explain the structure and predictability part a lil more please, like with an example or something Cause I'm tryna decipher it for myself

[@iamtaureanwomanmagic]

I am not a parent and would usually scroll past a video like this. I decided to watch and it was interesting. I love the realness you both shared. I’ve never heard parents talk like this honest, and I liked it. People act like parents shouldn’t have or share their true feelings towards certain things about their kids or judge them for keeping it real. Some kids are just more challenging than others. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Clearly your daughter is your “teacher.” I also noticed in this conversation there were moments of surprise where you disagreed with parenting style and experience, and you both held space for the other. But God knows why I’m not a parent. No patience for dem bad ass kids 😅

[@lanadavis5820]

Lol same here. I really enjoyed this.

[@lissadorval]

It sounds like you guys are incredibly engaging; observing; and empathetic parents. You guys seem to balance and compliment each other very well as parents. Jared’s take on Ryu is more go with the flow, take it day by day (moment by moment), “ this is a part of the process” “we’ll get there” sought to speak; while Shannon is more methodical where she researches behavior and tries to understand it, work with it. Both takes are thoughtful and filled with purpose. Its like you both are trying to master parenting in meaningful way and it’s a beautiful thing to see. Just going off what I hear as a viewer; not a parent so not really much to offer just some positive feedback.

[@StandardSupermom]

I HAVE A RYU! So great to hear we aren’t alone. I resonated so much with this episode and sent it to my husband right away! The part at the end where you said that you two look at each other and can recognize your in the craziness together is something we are struggling with. It honestly got me a little teary eyed. I don’t wear all my emotions on my sleeve like my husband so during those big feelings and tantrums I often feel left alone to deal with them because my husband will react to our toddlers big feelings with his own big feelings. Then I’m stuck with trying to handle both. After my husband has lost his cool he tends to need to take a step back and some time to regroup which is fine and something he should be allowed to do BUT then it just leaves me to deal with my sons big feelings and my own alone. Regulating everyone’s emotions is draining! It’s rough out here!

[@Everyoneisanartist776]

❤ I’m so glad you were able to listen to this interview. I believe you will be okay. I hear your strength in your reply, you’re going to be just fine. But just remember, you’re not alone

[@manushka7297]

Oh I hope to learn from this as my husband is wonderful but is bipolar and generally big emotions. I hope not to be left dealing with him and our son😂

[@Jls79773]

❤❤❤

[@melaniereeder2349]

Having two kids with different temperaments has helped me have so much more empathy for kids that are more challenging and parents navigating parenting those kids.

[@lisasiawild5816]

Love the reassurance/calmness Jared brought to this conversation. Mom guilt is real. You’re both doing a great job 🧡

[@thehotpinkrd]

I just want to say I think you BOTH are amazing parents! Those girls are so lucky to have you BOTH! The fact that you all are even sitting down, discussing, reflecting, thinking about yourselves as parents & how things may impact them in the long run is is so admirable! I love how you both ended the video saying positive things about each other as parents as well.

[@shanboody]

Thank you for stopping your day to be kind and encouraging. You didn’t have to but you did and it means a lot oxo

[@judithpriestess7781]

The fact that you're both introspective, reflective, communicative, inquisitive and collaborative - is everything. I love that you both identified preserving your childs spirit, as a value! That is crucial. You're educating yourselves, flexible with techniques, doing your best and most importantly, reflection on whether or not you can improve. I'm reparenting myself so these videos are so insightful. Oh, you love to see good parenting, good partnership! ❤

[@chelsea7755]

I am a Ryu. Atleast thats what I've been told my whole life. I felt intensely and always believed what I believed based on how it felt (logic is second). I had constant temper tantrums, very frustrated, hated anyone else's routine (yet it actually worked overall). I however was raised with parents with vastly different parenting styles amid divorce. My mum even told me "this is your fault" because I was a more intense child. I grew up thinking I was a problem and eventually just took it on as who I was.... I'm the problem... I was eventually diagnosed with adhd and that made a lot of sense for myself (not saying this is Ryu). But in the end, I figured it out from getting help around me, as well as maturing into adulthood. I wish you guys the best of luck, kids like me just ultimately want to feel so loved and accepted by our family. Let her be adventurous, loud and proud, etc. But some how figure out how to mold those qualities into a great adult. Kids like us will be beyond grateful, you guys are fantastic parents.

[@Ilikefrogs..]

I'm deeply sorry your mother said that to you. What an awful thing to say to a little girl. You are not at fault for your parents' inability to maintain a healthy relationship.

[@HeyHeyMaliaJ]

Hi Shan and Jared! Have you looked into Conscious Discipline? If not, I encourage you to do so. I have taught pre-k for 11yrs and currently seeking my bachelor’s degree. I can tell you that it has helped with challenging children in my classroom. Start introducing emotions and vocabulary now so when she is three she can begin to express herself. Have you tried a safe place in the house somewhere. Teaching her breathing techniques. Giving her choices. Letting her lead with tasks that you suggest. Meet Ryu where she is. There is a video on here that names emotions I use. Tracey Moroney has a set of children’s books “When I’m Feeling…” that go through emotions. Teaching communication is key and Shan hinted at it when she asked “Why are you crying?” Ultimately you are doing great and don’t beat yourself up about it. There is no blueprint to parenting.

[@shanboody]

Thank you for this will look now oxo Malia

[@HeyHeyMaliaJ]

@@shanboody you are so welcome! I hope it helps 😊💖 Here’s the link to the emotions video I use: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aWjaan2giryBaZI

[@deeleborgne]

Ryu is Caribbean little girl with the energy of the jungle ❤ what is her Astro sign?

[@bobbiehoskins8782]

I cannot begin to express how cathartic this was for me. I have a fiery daughter that has been like that since we brought her home from the hospital. And I’ve always been blamed for my gentle parenting. It’s glad to know I’m not alone and it is valuable to channel that energy instead of stifling it

[@Wwumzymumzy]

This is so wholesome to hear. My parents had a tough time with me and they chose to be very strict. My parents treated me like a villain. As an adult I discovered that I have ADHD. I often wonder how different my socialization would’ve been if they’d been curious about me. They never took the time to see me as anything besides disobedient and willful. Even now they don’t believe that I’m neurodivergent, just lazy.

[@tabithasmith1764]

I’m raising my amazing granddaughter. You could have been describing her when you described Ryu. I was resistant to labels(diagnosing) and saw her extreme intelligence so I didn’t think it was anything but personality. But slowly our life became limited in order to be able to “handle “ her outbursts. Now she is 5 and we finally had her assessed. We found out she has ASD (high functioning autism) SPD (sensory processing disorder) and possibly ADHD. We do not medicate but use a lot of therapists who do play therapy. This has greatly helped and I have learned so much by research that I have changed my approach to her so that she can thrive instead of trying to change her and her behaviors. It is challenging but her spunky behavior and intelligent humor and drive are so enjoyable and rewarding. Good luck as you both go forward. You can tell by your mutual respect and love toward each other that she is being raised in a great environment! You will find your groove with her eventually 😊 Best Wishes!

[@mikaelav8964]

As someone with ADHD that went undiagnoised it would be worth looking into!

[@kirab5258]

she is 2y old...

[@notanadvicecolumn]

I agree! I am diagnosed with adhd and I was just like Ryu at her age

[@catarinaa5000]

Children can be evaluated as early as 4 years old.

[@sydneyharp1989]

@@kirab5258 you are born with it, can be hereditary. Seeing symptoms is how you get diagnosed to work on find solutions to solve the right issues. Learning to recognize the difference is often difficult for people to understand if they don’t know what to look for. It’s okay to check, especially for your children experiencing the world through their own eyes each day for the rest of their lives with or without you.

[@caitlinbrennan9039]

@@kirab5258exactly haha

[@ayabellene]

First of all thank you both for sharing. What’s wrong with being wild? Nothing. Ryu, was me when i wss a child. As i grew in understanding what it takes to live myself it was up to me to accept my wild nature. The book The Women Who Run with the Wolves helped me recover and understand my wild nature. My mother, grandmother, and others tried to break me so that I could be more compatible with their broken ego selves. I’m finally accepting my nomadic, gypsy, and soulfully revolutionary self by embracing vanlife, having my own business, and forgiving my family for not knowing how to love a strong willed person.

[@alisanina]

❤ Thank you for this video. I have a high needs child. It took SOOOO much changing myself to parent lovingly. She brought out the worse in me, but I intentionally change those worse parts to become better. So there’s that. I won’t have another child though.

[@melaniereeder2349]

Social media can be triggering as well because you see kids sitting nicely, and having fun, or doing crafts and you think “my kid doesn’t act that way” or “I wish I could enjoy things like that with my child” and it brews a lot of resentment.

[@chelsie2880]

While I appreciate the transparency, I couldn’t help but think about how Ryu may feel one day watching this video. I don’t know if I would’ve liked my parents sharing all of my challenging traits when I was a child.

[@LivingInSimcoeCountyOntario]

I believe that since children cannot consent they shouldn't be exposed to social media or talk about their personal lives without them consenting.

[@angelamarks3050]

Also.. they have different relationships with their parents because you have different personalities and that is great for them. I like how you balance each other out

[@whatevermv]

with peace and love, this video was great birth control. Glad y'all can find a way to appreciate her.

[@tarachristina3922]

I feel like this needs to be “required” watching for every new parent. My son was a very “easy going” child. He threw one public tantrum and I just stood there and watched him. I asked if he was done and he stood up and said yes. The conversation was a bit longer but he realized that the behavior got him nowhere, so he never did it again. That’s my parenting experience. As a former social worker and someone who knows a lot of moms, I know I had a very unique experience. The communication between the two of you is incredible. Your openness and honestly is refreshingly healing. Thank you! I appreciate you both for your willingness to have the tough conversations. Be Well!

[@zeamporter9]

I find it so interesting how I’m old videos, Shan and friends would refer to her as kind of robotic when it came to how she related to her emotions…Ryu got all of Shan’s necessary emotional relation lessons! 4:11

[@Brittany.cannon]

I watched this and cried, because I feel like this describes my 18 month old, and I finally feel like I'm not alone. My husband and I share similar feelings as you and Jared. Thank you for sharing your journey. ❤

[@cariiinen]

Love this topic! Love Jared's energy about parenting, and his valuing Ryus independent spirit even though it makes things hard right now. I also definitely relate to not enjoying parenting when every little thing is a struggle.

[@rhiannon_pearl]

No kids here, just an auntie - but I appreciated this open and honest convo (didnt expect anything less from you both). You are a fantastic team and I believe are handling these challenges well. If I can share something that personally has helped me - its a practice called "Name it to Tame it". Have you heard of this phrase before? It is a way of "naming" your emotions as they occur to get better understanding and ability to process and cope with them. It also triggers the prefrontal lobe (logical center) in your brain when you verbalize what you're feeling and it really does take the edge off. I encourage you to do some research on this practice if you havent ❤ Lots of love!! You guys are such an inspiration to me :)

[@Everyoneisanartist776]

Yeah, I’m an aunt too and I need this interview to understand how to deal with my niece. I haven’t been around children and the constant manipulations make me want to pull out my hair.

[@AvecPoesie]

Another child-free Aunt here. My youngest niece is an Explosive Child and her parents, particularly her mother (my sister-in-law) are in complete and utter denial about the magnitude of her tantrums. She is HIGHLY manipulative too. I've recently moved across the country but I did everything I could to educate myself whilst I was near and dealing with her. Parental denial is REAL. They will deny ANY possibility of a deeper issue out of fear and ego to the child's detriment.

[@Jacqueline888]

i will say, i was a difficult child. i threw tantrums and cried and argued. i don’t remember it. but i know i did it, because the adults around me brought it up all. the. time. as i grew up. i still hear about my royal tantrums to this day. now i can appreciate it as something funny, but when you hear that at 7, 8, 9, or 13, 14, 15 you really internalize that as having been a burden and a problem from birth. i frequently think about how i was a “sad” or “anxious” baby. i don’t know if i would have that narrative about my mental health struggles starting from day 1, if the people around me hadn’t given me that message. different or challenge is not bad or wrong. that was lost on my immature brain. i truly felt i was a bad person for having intense feelings. i still feel that, actually. but i think the messages i received as a young child reenforced that.

[@kczmonkey03]

As a professional that works with parents and families with children who have difficulties like Ryu…. and I can safely say that hearing you talk as parents and partners you’d be the DREAM family to work with!! ❤ your openness, love for each other, and love for your kids comes across strongly. I amplify the other comments suggesting a helpful diagnosis NOT because the label matters, but because it can connect you to resources, experts, professionals (like myself), therapies, other services, and support from other parents that go through the same thing! 🙏🏽 There are resources out there- check for your local Child Find or private evaluation by a neuropsychologist or a team of professionals. I especially LOVE that you noticed signs in Ryu since she was BORN. 🥹 The more you talk to other (caring) professionals the more validation you will get to confirm your parental instincts are right!

[@jessicajuvenilex3]

I genuinely needed to hear this because I definitely have a challenging son, and I felt so much mom guilt because I wasn’t enjoying parenting as much as I know I can. Thank you!

[@christianmaterial2417]

I felt bad to admit that I can't wait that she goes to the granma. Naps and feeds are the worse.

[@kimblee4701]

It's beautiful seeing how they balance each other; it's a benefit of having a two-parent household where the parents respect and love each other and communicate well.

[@kslucki]

Aries child. Nuff said. Don't even think of changing her. It will cause permanent trauma. She needs to know she's loved and accepted exactly the way she is. I didn't have that as a kid and know how it feels. And here I am, in my late 40's mourning my lost child in me, that was rarely accepted by the closest ones.

[@lighthouse1136]

Diet can play a BIG part! Once I cut wheat and dairy out of my daughter's diet, I noticed a huge difference. Especially when we went more plant-based (lots of fresh fruit and veggies). No more mood swings, aggression or explosive tantrums. A much calmer child! Pls consider it. Game changer for us!

[@Ilikefrogs..]

gluten and dairy can cause hormonal/blood sugar changes that can result in mood swings, this is very valid.

[@Mamaisthesource]

Big facts! I vouch for this. Also cut out the dyes too

[@dylanajohns3246]

Volunteer at an elementary school as a classroom helper. Behavior you may excuse in your own child, has a different look when you see it in another child. "Creative parenting styles" are causing school teachers to RUN FOR THE HILLS !! 18 MORE teachers quit at my school this year.

[@mtsad8619]

We’ll maybe this will force the school system to evolve. The school system is extremely stifling and cause a lot of confidence issues the take a lifetime to heal. While I get what you’re saying I think you should consider if the structure of school is actually effective or for every kind of child or just naturally type A kids.

[@monkeychild27]

as a person who is/was ryu as a child, not stifling her and explaining things was reallyy key for me as a kid. i had a dont cry stop doing this parent and we don’t talk, but the one who asked me questions and explained things to me i’m still close with into my adulthood. definitely tough because she’s gaining language but it can get easier over time

[@Meekavintage]

I love HOW HONEST YA ALL ARE .... So many parents need to hear it

[@pipperlue]

I love Jared’s approach and perspective. He’s really protecting her fire and that’s so beautiful especially for a non-white little girl.

[@anya-leemiller1821]

The beautiful thing about your parenting dynamic is the shared end goal. Shan asking Ryu the questions NOW lays builds the foundation for Ryu to learn her emotions. It will improve her emotional intelligence so that IN THE FUTURE she can better regulate when Jared has the conversations with her. You guys are doing a wonderful job

[@lorenafernandez1552]

This stuff matters. As a child who felt the need to silence themselves due to a chaotic environment that didn't prioritize self expression, this stuff runs deep in a child and they subconsciously learn to change themselves. Amazing work, kudos to being loving parents who want the best for their children.❤

[@amandanyc]

My 10yo son has the same personality. Black and white thinking(inflexible), emotional, bull headed, sensory issues, transitioning issues, negative self-talk(improved), and easily frustrated. He's also kind, loving, social, adventurous, plays well with others and alone. He was Dx with ADHD at age 7. currently looking into possible ASD. But a very intelligent, high functioning kid, just has some issues we are trying to manage. Not saying this is your child's diagnoses. I'm just sharing my story because this discussion validates my experience. Thanks for your transparency.

[@gabrielleg.1347]

Shan, I'm glad you are doing the research and working on this with her at a young age. I'm in a facebook support group for parents of kids with ODD and I won't lie, its one of the saddest corners of the internet I've ever hung out. A lot of stress and heartbreak. I joined it to help support a kid in my life. As you mentioned it can really take over the entire family dynamic, so though you want to find the balance of not breaking her spirit, I think its wise to be proactive in finding ways to help her learn to regulate her emotions better at a young age.

[@kryschavez3783]

This was so refreshing to listen to! Having a very emotionally intense 4 yr old and a very brave 1 year old , this discussion resonated so much with me as I try to embrace their uniqueness while I try not to lose my cool on the daily. Thank you!

[@pamephantomrider483]

I was the explosive one in my household. It was nuts the way I did damage to myself through others just because I never felt understood. Life gives you the right lessons, when people around you don't see the value in your strong and passionate spirit. This type of children need to explore their true calling through exploring their innate sensorial, emotional and cognitive habilites, skills and spiritual gifts. I totally suggest you to ask her questions, and when she starts to find joy through her actions and passions; she will stop searching to cope with yogurt at 7 am. People who know who they are, struggle with routine and discipline when they are not yet developing the skills they are passionate. Listen to her, put them in opportunities where she can develop her own interests, and believe me she will stop crying just for yogurt. She will develop discipline until she knows their is a chance she can get support to follow her passions and true calling. You just have to give her a chance. She will quit the crying when she knows she has a deeper intention beneath the immediate impulse of just following her coping mechanisms. The yogurt is just the excuse of something waaaayyyy more profound she is searching. And that is love, wisdom and soul is her own unique way. And She is searching how to do in her own unique way to create new systems, methods, new ways of thinking and living. She is never gonna change; she is just gonna develop herself in better ways. Trust in her; she knows who she is, she is just trying different ways to express it and understand herself through the world she is experiencing.

[@pamephantomrider483]

And that is love, wisdom and soul searching in her own unique way. **

[@ItsjustJA]

Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️ I’m the aunt of a strong-willed 5 y/o and this gives me really great insight on how to better support and love her 🥰✨

[@tonip6382]

I am not a parent but I encourage you guys to get her in some kind of sports or dance or something that she can direct her energy towards once she is old enough.

[@nikkitomes9880]

Shan, this video is so relevant to me right now. I was having this convo with my partner earlier today, I was going to have it again with a friend tonight but here I find this video. After an afternoon with my toddler protesting her swim lessons (again) while all her friends followed the instructor. For her age she’s great at all of the swimming skills but refuses to participate in groups and goes against the grain in every way possible. It’s hard for me to even complain because she’s so smart and so talented but also SO resistant to everything. I feel like I’m in strategic physiological warfare all day. This behavior isn’t common with her peers from what I’ve observed but she also very advanced in other areas. I can relate to this as an adult and it can make life harder for me but also very rewarding. Being rebellious and strong willed. We had to let go of our nanny recently because she was very plan A with no flexibility and considered this a behavior issue. I do see the value in plan A when absolutely necessary and all else fails, I just don’t want it to be the first or recurring approach. It’s the delicate balance and dance to stay close to your values but also listen to yourself and respect your boundaries as an individual. I think we learn who we are as parents along the way and how much we are going to fall into each category. It would have been easier to simply fit in a single box (option) to begin with but nothing in life is that simple 🤔 You said something monumental here. It’s not changing her behavior, it’s changing your attitude towards the behavior. You are giving control back to them, and the opportunity to make the right choice. While they are still young enough to learn from their mistakes in a safe environment. Better now than later in adult life when the stakes are higher. I’m still amazed by how beautiful and awesome it is to watch this process of life, molding like clay in front of my eyes. To see how someone comes to be. And how they always were and will be. Also thank you for being so honest and authentic with your feelings in this video. I think the conversation only allows us to be better parents because it’s giving us the opportunity to problem solve and just be the best we can be every day. Talking about it is half way to the solution 💥

[@NeoShameMan]

Ryu mean dragon, no wonder!

[@alondrabustos1684]

CONNECTION BEFORE CORRECTION!

[@Untilsheputherfootdown]

Accept her at each stage of her life. There’s nothing else you can do. I have two boys and one girl. Now all teens, and trust me it goes by fast. One had adhd and outgrew the hyperactive stage but just enjoy her and you’ll see as soon as you release the control you’ll have a better time. Release the control. Go with the flow. ❤ I also feel and it’s just my opinion that labeling her a challenging kid and comparisons might damage her self esteem as she gets older and can see these videos and discussions on her. I am glad you guys are sharing but also think about the future and how labeling especially in a negative although unintended as a bad thing might cause hurt later on. Just my opinion.

[@noddycool2703]

I've been told by my parents that I was an explosive child, it was very confusing and difficult to grapple with that. I thought I did something wrong or had a character defect. Of course I couldn't remember most of the things that happened in childhood, but through that narrative of me being a difficult child I just always had a feeling that my emotions and thoughts are just too much to handle. It created a wound. I had to break free from the perception I had of myself eventually, recently, in my late twenties, early thirties. It was a lot of work and very painful. I agree with your comment that labeling a child that way might cause hurt.

[@JasmineCOnu]

I have twins and they really let me know that people are born as they are. They were born and are being raised under identical conditions and are so different I am going to read this book. Both have explosive tendencies but since they turned 2 manoeuvring those big feelings has become exhausting. What Jared said about breaking their spirits really hit home. Such an aha moment, I am a Plan B parent with Plan C tendencies (not intentionally just through wanting peace) and then Plan A through utter frustration. Loved this convo ❤ your girls are going to be amazing women.

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

Shan, I've used plan B and plan C with one of my twins, who is/was just like you're describing Ryu. Helping him to identify his own feelings as he's learned to communicate from 2 years old. At 5 years old, going 6 in November, he is super emotionally intelligent and easier to reason with. Both of my twins are quite articulate for their age. Only randomly do I use my authority, and I feel it's more effective because it's not overused. He struggles a bit in school, which I'm buddies with his teachers for. Lol. But they still compliment how they can communicate with him on tough days. You guys are consciously parenting, and that is huge!

[@shanboody]

Yes I’m with you, ppl in my family would call this cowardly parenting but it’s offered so much more peace in the home

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

@Shan BOODY oh don't I know it well. I had to stand up to my step-father, who is pro yelling and spanking aka whoppings when my boys were only 2. They've watched them a handful of times in 5 years. Recently, I let my parents take them to the zoo, and my step-father texted me that the boys are growing so well. That I'm doing a great job after years of judgment and backhanded comments. 🙃 Thankfully, through therapy, I've been re-parenting myself and healing from my own childhood. As well as assert myself and uphold boundaries for myself and my children. I've got this, and so do you guys! 🙏🏾❤️

[@mahoganypeacesounds8730]

@@shanboody that’s because Guyanese ppl just thinking beating is the answer. It’s not the answer at all. Keep doing what you’re doing.

[@EmpressAshe]

​@@mahoganypeacesounds8730 Not just Guyanese but the Whole Caribbean and Blk ppl on a Whole It's Definitely Not the answer 🙅‍♀️

[@lanadavis5820]

I dont have any kids and probably wont have any, but i really enjoyed this conversation. Thank you for sharing. Hope it gets easier. Sending good vibes. ❤❤❤

[@ludwinadautovic]

My now 29 year old daughter sounded like your daughter at the same age. I remember thinking "How can I tame her spirit without breaking it." I too believed that it would bring her great strength as an adult woman. I just got off the phone with her after helping her through a difficult time. She's a feisty woman and incredibly confident. Our approach worked. Jared... you were spot on about recognising that her feisty nature now will be a gift when she's a grown woman. You're both on the right track.

[@halliebirds]

I've always struggled with demand avoidance! Some kids struggles with pathological demand avoidance. 10/10 recommend researching.

[@yuleskyreyes4929]

I needed this conversation today. Resonated so much with this and blending your parenting style with the criticism of others. Balancing what is constructive and what is just plain intrusive. This is the type of content / conversations that need to reach the masses.

[@nomiko96]

I was a too much child, seeing this conversation is healing. I now as a 26 year old I have to learn how to be part of society and it's hard. I am happy seeing parents who are trying something

[@shakiaporter6815]

As someone that has a child that has been differently from other kids his age since about age 2, this resonates with me. My son is now 6 and has learned to communicate his feelings better but he still has big feelings he's trying to understand. Blessings to you all.❤

[@mariahzervos]

I absolutely love your outlook on parenting, and how you appreciate your girls for who they are and will support them in their individuality! The love you two have for them oozes out when you speak and it is SUCH a blessing to watch/hear. ❤️

[@rosac464]

I raised 3 kids . I was very young with the first and made a lot of mistakes. My second one was always headstrong and she’s the most successful. I wish I would have been easier on my oldest, if all their told is no,they become afraid to take chances. You guys are doing great.

[@jazzyj904]

I don’t have kids but my adopted brothers are still very very young. The “why are you getting angry at things you had to do for the past few years/ months” is hilariously frustrating. You brush your teeth everyday, you eat everyday, you go to bed every night, just do it 😭. Now add homework to all of that 🥲

[@alexwalkerjones]

I was a really difficult child to raise - incredibly happy one moment, but severely inflexible, and strong-willed on ALL things (especially the little things) the next, and being "de-throned" by two twin siblings at age 2 certainly did not help. My mom once shared that she called my Grandmother (her mother) in tears where I was around 3 years old, crying her heart out with guilt that while she knew she loved me, she really really didn't like me!! She really felt like her attempts to make me a more bearable child/human were crushing my spirit at times as a result and didn't know what to do. What I can proudly say now, is that not only am I the closest with my parents of all my siblings, but they are my absolute best friends and they say all the time how much they enjoy how I miraculously turned out for the best! They felt like the drama and the fights, and the arguments and tantrums would never end (and to be honest they didn't until about 13 years old). With that being said, I really believe that children throwing a tantrum are trying to make you feel what they feel in that moment: powerless! And to some extent that battle won't end until Ryu is grown and can make all her choices for herself. Just know that you are raising a beautifully stubborn, strong-willed, force of nature little girl who is here to set the world on fire!! So if I had any advice to offer as a formerly-difficult child it would be to set the rules, keep going through the battles, and definitely do not become a push over. Use the power struggle to help her learn her power, and give her independence freely when you can - most importantly of course, make sure that even when y'all are all crying 6hrs in to a family meltdown, that the I love you's make their rounds. My parents say they sometimes regret how tough they felt they had to be with me, but I honestly only remember the love, and them helping me to learn what a force I can be, by not giving in. Stand your ground but give the unconditional LOVE!

[@ariannaolivieri5010]

I don't have kids. I've been around kids and different parenting styles. I also have been around people who have very different opinion about parenting. And I strongly believe that generally people do not understand how much work there is behind a relaxed parenting style honestly.

[@shellyreynolds8948]

It's great that you both tried to find multiple ways that could work best for your tribe, but did see that parenting is required to show all children the way. There just are some children that are a handful. Still like all little ones even the handful bundles require guidance. It's wonderful that you were able to address it while she's still very young.

[@Rosalynn78]

I love that you are very clear that you don’t want to break her spirit. You don’t want to make her a compliant person just to “keep the peace” for your own sake. You can handle her as she is, take the embarrassment in public because the bigger goal is preserving her. You can see the greatness that could come from this if you don’t break her spirit. I love that Jared is like whatever, we can handle this. It will be easier when she can talk more. And Shan is noticing she is capable of naming her emotions. And maybe that will help. Y’all are an inspiration to me. And getting me even more excited to become a parent.

[@ilanarossouw4451]

You guys are so good at talking about the "not so glamourous" topics that people would usually want to sweep under the rug and act as if they don't exist. I can't even begin to imagine what it must take to be so transparent about topics that are so close to home with the public and also knowing that oneday Ryu might watch this. You guys are doing a great job

[@krystlemontalvo6774]

I absolutely loved listening to this conversation! It felt so validating for me as a parent of two girls also! And my girls are exactly the same - my oldest being the explosive child and my youngest being the more quiet/non-trusting child. It was especially validating to hear how you can also struggle with liking this phase in your child’s life… and that I’m not the only one feeling “when this age ends…it’ll get easier”. One more thing… you guy’s ability to communicate sometimes differing experiences between you two in parenting so kindly is beautiful. My husband and I often struggle with that and if we’re not on the exact same page with the kids it can sometimes lead to a fight. It’s exhausting. More content like this please! And I’ll be sure to pick up the book you mentioned ❤️.

[@AliciaRodriguez_]

I tried to conceive for over 5 years and it gave me so much time to analyse my life, my friends lives (who all have children), watch your videos etc. And my husband and I have finally come to the realisation that a child would actually ruin our lives. It was like seeing something very obvious for the first time. And I am so thankful for videos like these, because it makes me feel so thankful to the universe for giving me the chance to continue living my life the way I love it. Please continue making these. I find these reminders so helpful ❤

[@Ilikefrogs..]

Girl, you're not wrong.

[@AliciaRodriguez_]

@IDK froggy I clicked on your page and saw that you have a child. I find it so nice that women are being truthful to other women nowadays. I spent over 5 years depressed, feeling like a complete failure for not being able to conceive while all of my friends were getting pregnant (even by mistake, while I was there peeing on effin ovulation sticks lol). So once I made the final decision (and felt like a ton was lifted off my shoulders) when a mother tells me she understands my choice, it makes me feel seen 💕

[@PastorZministries]

Shout out to Ryu 20 years from now watching this! hopefully she will get a good laugh!

[@Gatoconbotas1134]

She won’t. It’s sad 😞

[@kellirai35]

I love how invested you both are in your children’s personalities. So often I see parents not understanding who there children are versus who they would like them to be a priority. Bravo

[@jeansmith1470]

As someone who is currently helping my mom raise a challenging kid who's 4. A stricter parenting style does not work for these type of kids. We have been having a lot of conversations about my sister because we honestly notice that she's getting worse. Even though we also have been in the school of thinking once she gets older she'll grow out of this. I recently started looking into gentle parenting and have tried some of the techniques on her and have seen a short term improvement and can't wait to see if there will be any long term one's.

[@thebohohobos9804]

I absolutely love this conversation, because our 2yo son is exactly like this and we have this conversation on a daily base. And Plan B is absolutely working for me, my partner is still trying to adjust to it, but we notice a massive change in behaviour. I grew up as a Plan A child and now I know our son needs to feel the control and respect to be able to thrive in his adult life. I read the other day, kids deserve child-like expectations and adult-like respect. That really hit me differently. I love the way strong willed kids can just walk off on their parents confidently. This means that we show them that we're always there for them and that they trust us being there and trusting them. Thanks for having these transparent conversations!

[@clarissabrechbuhl5797]

Shan as one mother to another with a testing child THANK YOU. I feel so seen in this video. It makes all the difference knowing we’re not in it alone.

[@shanboody]

Thank YOU! I agree it makes all the difference

[@charlieruka7547]

It’s always connection > correction. You guys are amazing parents for even having this conversation. I love how after Shan shifted her approach to her in those moments that Ryu was finally able to express why she was upset! That must’ve felt amazing. And you’re totally right. Whatever makes you feel like a confident, calm and connected parent is great.

[@adiyana3]

I am so appreciative of this conversion (amazing questions I’ll use later), especially with both parents sharing their POV -interesting how you’re on the same page but different insight. I have 2 kids of similar ages /temperaments and we practically have the same challenges. Lawd it’s hard but a little easier knowing we’re not alone. I’m constantly researching and trying different approaches too although I feel most challenged with my own impatience and learning not to take outbursts or defiance personally. Anyhoo, really enjoyed.

[@butterjujunut]

My son is on the waiting list for ASD/ADHD testing (I have severe ADHD). I had so much trouble with him in the beginning of his 2 years. It was always a struggle with various delays he's had, but something about his mood and his attitude and his bullheadedness that made it impossible some days. So I definitely resonate with this! Don't be afraid to look into any and everything for your daughter. I found that even when the advice is not specifically for my son, the direction it's trying to steer me was correct. And I just tailored it for him. Definitely don't want to kill her spirit, just like I didn't want to kill my sons, but it is so hard sometimes that all you want is just a little bit of peace. And a little bit of 'normalcy' to make you feel like you're doing a good job as a parent. Love the talk 💕

[@TheKerbz]

he's dad he can't possibly see or do things like mom... mom is doing a great job and dad also ... you guys are goals for real real ....

[@QueenQueen-pm7hx]

As an ABA therapist who specializes in working with children with behavioral barriers, I love to hear your perspectives. I loved hearing Shan explain how telling ryu “not” to do something doesn’t work. That is simple ABA! A good thing to do is replace instructions with desired behaviors (i.e., sit quietly, use your inside voice, use your words, hands to yourself (instead of stop hitting, etc). Also Shan you’re doing great with shaping behaviors and increasing her verbal repertoire (vocabulary) with prompting responses such as “are you upset because someone said no” a lot of her behaviors may be stemmed in the frustration of not being able to functionally communicate. You all keep doing what you’re doing and you all will be more than great. Your parenting style is a breath of fresh air! Love how you all allow her to be her and don’t force her to mask herself or be someone she is not just for social acceptance.

[@lucksiaze5755]

My older son was exactly like that. Now 13yo, talented in many surprising areas and diagnosed with asperger’s and ADHD.

[@darbirhian]

Your eldest's temperament reminds me a bit of my eldest, who is almost 10 now. She is our little feral wild child! I'm currently reading "The Highly Sensitive Child" to see if that's a good fit regarding her, and can put some things into perspective. We suspect she could have ADHD too, which this book is supposed to address as well. All things considered, she is an average student in school, with the gift of being an artist. Our youngest is neuro-typical, if not a little academic, and super smart. His first ever report card was all 4s, so perfect, with areas of improvement for a child one to two grades ahead. It just goes to show that they are all different. I wouldn't have these little heathen children any other way!!! My best word of advice is to "ride the (kid) wave" and see the humour in raising these little people. You're in the thick of it now, but it changes so drastically as they age and grow into their own.

[@kikistarr5590]

I can definitely relate. My daughter was a breeze, my son is the complete opposite. I used the same thing "Its just a phase." Then the next phase comes with a whole different set of things. Once my son got to the age a talking and communicating more, I just adore his outlook on life and funny moments. It's gets better with age.

[@jessicapatrickjessicataylo5285]

Hey, I am in awe of how you guys are discussing this. We were parented in a different way than we are parenting and I am so glad to know that I am NOT ALONE in wanting to respond better, act better, just parent better!!