A Family’s Secret Grief and Trauma Shared for the First Time | The New Yorker Documentary

In “No Crying at the Dinner Table,” filmmaker Carol Nguyen interviews her parents and sister about their private grief and emotions-then plays those interviews back for them together.
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A Family’s Secret Grief and Trauma Shared for the First Time | The New Yorker Documentary

[@promo5423]

For all the ignorant peeps saying this isn’t a big deal - I’m sitting here watching, just amazed that they were able to get an older Asian father to open up and share his feelings. People have no idea how wild and rare of a concept that is for certain cultures. This was beautifully filmed. I can’t imagine my parents sitting down and sharing their heart like this.

[@MasterAkiDraw]

I agree! Such openess is SO rare!

[@Brainhoneywalker]

So beautiful to witness. Beautifully filmed.

[@cauzie8281]

My parents are very open but I am still amazed

[@gift3d451]

This was beautifully made. I’m not Asian but I saw the release of emotions and sadness the were letting go of and that was profound. I find that amid the HUMAN race we do often do that in a healthy way before it’s too late.

[@cherylrobinson517]

I'm American and was thinking the same thing about the culture aspect of this...but then I am 55 and consider myself to be "somewhat" aware of the world.

[@Life-oo2tr]

This runs deep in Asian culture. We don't express our love or emotions verbally or physically. The things that we have faced, we don't tell others. We keep the pain inside and continue with life, but the hurt is carried within us.

[@BlueBenz2005]

Very true. We don’t air our dirty laundry in order to keep “face”. I still don’t know what keeping face means.

[@lauriegentry7764]

The Asian people that I know, have known... They're always so very CARING. Perhaps they aren't that touchy-feely. But, any time someone needed, they were immediately there, and immediately giving, caring. Then, every "american" I've personally known, that'd cry at the drop of a hat, or always running to hug and kiss... I never observed them actually care about, and DO SOMETHING, for other people in general. I'd rather be close to quiet, deep feeling people, than some superficial ones. That's just my own experience.

[@NO-ho4xp]

Ah, this feels very familiar. My parents were "there" making that money to provide us with, but not emotionally present, not very loving until it was too late, they had already hardened me.

[@Dorian0882]

Your comment brought me to tears! Same here, my Dad is a Vietnam Vet and used drugs for most of our lives and my mother is a nutcase. They both provided financially for my brother & I but not emotionally. Now as a parent, I do my best to correct their problem with my Son. Sending lots of love your way.

[@NO-ho4xp]

@@Dorian0882 ay, that's so tough, because a lot of times we can carry that trauma and wonder "are we going to be bad parents?" But so happy you are doing your best with your son.

[@rodaxel7165]

I feel the same way.. I don't know if it's a cultural thing but I feel asian families are general like this.

[@laraoneal7284]

That’s called Proximal Abandonment.

[@silentstarz16]

You have no idea how much I can relate to this. My parents fed and clothed me and gave me all the dolls and toys I ever wanted as a child but it is like they never knew how to open up about their feelings and in turn, they did not know how to communicate effectively and emotionally with me. By the time they tried to tentatively undo that, I was already emotionally distant and uncomfortable with them getting close to me.

[@seykadagmar]

They all need a very long hug.

[@thestunnaz]

And a deep ugly cry

[@mosacanite4533]

@@thestunnaz u right💯

[@mosacanite4533]

@Has Goodles understandable 💯

[@galaxylucia1898]

I agree! Although I thought it was very poignant how the sister was holding her mother...how different of an experience the mother had with her own mother (the grandma). The no-touch cycle has been broken.

[@nancybeveridgetaylor3256]

I know right! I needed to see those smiles at the end.

[@tranquiltree8784]

Wow, great piece. The sister has some deep anger, bitterness... the parents, deep sorrows, loss. I think we forget that negative emotions are part of the human experience, not something to hide or be ashamed of.

[@a697ag]

That poor man. The weight he has carried for years.

[@SweetUareDesi]

His brother wants him to smile

[@asamahoesaegi543]

I watched this in February 2020 at the Young Creators Showcase at TIFF. As a First Generation Canadian with Vietnamese parents, this film meant the world to me. To be honest, I bawled my eyes out in the theatre. The first thing I wanted to do was show my mom this. I'm so thankful that now I get that chance :) Thank you Carol Nguyen!!!!

[@austinbranion8699]

This is so poignant and beautiful. Thank you, Carol and family, for making this and allowing yourselves to be vulnerable in public. And thank you to The New Yorker for giving it an accessible platform

[@johnsmith1474]

We have a short round table repartee concluded with a tissue joke and a remark about a, "bad prank show." That evidences a release of contrived emotion, as real emotion is rarely solved with a light joke. In fact it's relatively emotionally dry, considering the possible alternatives. I've watched more poignant police interviews, I've seen more emotional stress over a lost pet.

[@austinbranion8699]

@@johnsmith1474 I bet you’re fun at parties

[@suzanneedmonds1566]

Beautiful, emotional, exquisite photography and courageous. The juxtaposition of your parents speaking Vietnamese and your sister speaking English had huge impact on the stories they told and the piece overall, it created an atmosphere that would have been lacking otherwise. The music was a spot on choice. Thank you to your family for sharing their thoughts and experienced.

[@Rinsuki]

In my family who are also Vietnamese, we do not outwardly express ourselves so as a kid growing up in a western society I could not understand my parents love. My mother was very strict and because of that I had resentment. As I've gotten older, I understood their sacrifices more so I am better able to handle that they mean well but sometimes their actions do not seem that way. I've only seen my father break down once which was earth shattering for me. He never showed emotions, but that day I held him in an embrace as I would a child. He was a silent man who fought in the Vietnam War and was a prisoner of war for many years after. When you learn that your parents are not invincible, it is scary but necessary because we are all human.

[@valho9]

Ugh! Felt this. This really captures the Asian American immigrant experience, and how Asian cultures tend to communicate. Beautifully shot, perfect music choices. This feels so delicate with all the vulnerability being shared.

[@hungcher]

Just sitting here crying with everyone else. This is an excellent representation of Asian culture ; how we speak so little of emotions, multi generational living, language barriers, parents working their asses off. So much is said without overtly saying it.

[@yen-8680]

Now that i think about it, i dont think i ever heard my dad and mom directly ever told me “I love you”. Never. But i know they loved me by working hard to provide for me, i keep telling myself I dont need to hear it because their action should be enough. But, if i can be honest, hearing it would make me feel loved very much, like, for sure.

[@alexchhith93]

I realized in my early 20's that my grandma was the only family member who said "love you" to me. Sometimes when she says it, it makes me cry because I appreciate it so much.

[@JeanieLuu]

As a child of Vietnamese refugees, I can relate to the cultural nuances of grief that were expressed by these family members. It was nice to see them sharing their private thoughts and moments together in the end. Thanks for really capturing this.

[@dolly_llamas_tea]

I grew up next to a Chinese family who treated me like their kid. 😆lol my parents would call them looking for me. I understand how difficult it is to get an Asian family to open up. Well done!! Great documentary. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@susank.4945]

Her sister is lovingly annoyed at the end, like all sisters. I cried and I don't know them, then I laughed when she got them to smile.

[@lekwanduh]

I saw this at TIFF and it was so heart breaking! This ended up winning an award at the Reel Asian Film Festival and I got to meet the father and tell him how touched I was after watching his daughter's short.

[@klc6239]

Beautiful. I'm Vietnamese and I feel this. I was so close to my grandparents, they passed away over 15 years ago, but I still cry when I think about them. I used to retreat to my grandparents when my parents argued. I can imagine how many other Vietnamese-Americans who struggle with our parents' approach to love. They do their best and deeply love their children and I honor that.

[@PL.Borneo]

That’s a healthy emotional release. Beautifully shot and intimate storytelling is on point.

[@TV-iv3zr]

This film is transparent and authentic in every way. I see the reflection of my parents & me here. That we were taught to control our emotions and showing outward affection (PDA) was not appropriate. Their way of showing their love to me was doing things for me such as: my dad would wash my car or change the car's oil and my mom would ask me everyday, "Have you eaten yet? Are you hungry?". That was THEIR way of showing their love for me. Culturally, this has always been for me ...it was normal. The Western culture sees it as being "odd" and my friends even tell me that it was weird that we don't hug or kiss each other. I never saw it as a flaw, rather, I always knew my parents loved me. I have a daughter now and she is very affectionate. My parents love it and don't mind her hugs and kisses!

[@lady_elle]

losing a loved one is traumatic, the fact that each were willing to be vulnerable to share their thoughts and feelings especially the parents, was great to see. I also thought it showed how much they trust their other daughter. Nicely done.

[@thestunnaz]

Thanks Carol! Missing my Vietnamese parents right now because of Covid. I've always thought of interviewing them like this, sometimes they tell me things that blow my mind. However, never documented this...raw emotional testimony. The closest was when I went back to Saigon with my Dad and saw his life over there before America. Unforgetable.

[@ughgross1258]

I'm glad they acknowledged that the death of grandparents can be very traumatic. Anyones death can be. Friends, children, grandparents, siblings.. If grief doesn't heal right, it will scar.

[@ozzy_ruiz]

Aww man, I wanna hug each of them especially the father. Feeling guilty is the worst knowing that if you stayed a bit longer he’ll be alive.

[@carries356]

The comment of "realizing my parents are only human" is very powerful and it's a realization which can be healing & perhaps create compassion within the family, towards each other and for yourself. The expression of physical love, such as hugging & kissing, as well as, emotional love is presented differently within the various cultures and even within individual families so watching this video left a deep impression on how important it is to share our experiences, our life's journeys and perspectives because we can begin to understand one another better and this promotes healing and increases the bonds between family members. Looking at the "family" as the foundation and remembering that "as a family, we are facing hardship & losses together and as a family, we also strive for healing and harmony" can be very powerful as we look at family dynamics. Thank you for sharing your story! It was very relatable and touching!

[@tarch301]

Loved seeing the mom and her daughter holding each other, sitting close.

[@craigkeller]

I have no words, just emotions. Beautifully done.

[@nghi333]

this feels like my family, as a vietnamese teen going through mental illness, i have to talk about my feelings and i want to include my parents in my successes and my struggles. i want us to be able to have more conversations like this

[@galaxylucia1898]

This was such a beautiful documentary, such an intimate portrait of this family's recollection of grief. My heart goes out to each of them for all different reasons--the sister never really getting over the death of her grandparents; the father still blaming himself for Thach's suicide; the mother for never hugging her father before he died or her mother only once. Not everyone can identify with all three, but I hope for those who watch, they view this family (and all of us) with more compassionate eyes. We never know what anyone has gone through or IS going through. It costs nothing to empathize with others about their emotional pain.

[@vivocat5203]

I am in love with this family. They are brave to show themselves vulnerable and honest and authentic. This is the best of us.

[@disappearintothesea]

I didn’t watched the video cus I already knew I was going to cry just by reading the comments. I think those of us who grew up being a 1.5 generation or have traditional parents felt/know about how our parents “communicate” emotions without communicating. As I got older, I stopped resenting and learned to forgive.

[@tea98988]

This was beautifully done and in a way, a much needed therapy this family needed.

[@Screwsandrods]

Now it's time to remember and love each other knowing that each day with people who we love is precious.❣️

[@derponica4806]

I am so grateful for Carol sharing these moments with us. When it cut to black at the end, I was just left with my reflection staring back at me, leaving me to think about the grief that my family and I have experienced. Thank you for allowing me to feel seen.

[@zoesolanki961]

I don't underestimate how hard this was for this family to do this together. Incredibly brave, and I really hope it brings healing for them.

[@kbbels]

Anything I try to type seems so inadequate, inferior, and impure, in comparison to the rawness and realness we were privileged to witness. I felt this so deeply. It's also a reminder to myself that we never know the inner hurts and struggles others are carrying.

[@leahmurphy8928]

best advertisement for family therapy i've ever seen 💖💖💖

[@fictionalfinesse]

I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing. Losing someone you love never goes away and it never gets easier. But the load feels a little less heavy when you share it with other people. I really respect how difficult this must have been for you all.

[@gracielanovoa]

Human, very human. How we cope with our own grief? Communication, love above all. I hope healing too.

[@yoyogi63]

Beautiful and intimate.

[@sabrinajacobs8743]

Amazing, simply amazing. Grief and mourning...so much to see of ourselves in this piece.

[@lisaleilua1642]

They seemed so happy after finally letting that out and having a cry it must of felt so good for them .. so beautiful to witness that thank you for sharing ❤

[@aprilsmith3683]

An incredibly intimate...raw...touching...honest life story... Thank you to all four of you... A privilege... 🇿🇦

[@toughsuga2]

I really appreciate the vulnerability in this video

[@beckymonte1090]

I don't know why the Uncle "jumped", but if it was intentional, I don't think staying 15 minutes would've helped in the long run. It would've only delayed it for another day. He shouldn't feel guilty. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧

[@user-cv2df5cr8i]

The father needs a hug too

[@elisa5215]

So so beautiful, intimate, realistic and thoughtful.

[@sayurisakakura2787]

This is sad😔in manila where i grew up? Parents are like that. But not in my generations ? I guess . My mom said i love you everyday!!!! Kisses me and my brothers everytime they sees us. I think westerners and movies are responsible for for it? But I'm glad😊 I am married now, have a kid and living in Japan. Japanese people are like vietnamese.They don't have a culture like the westerners still. They don't hug, kisses or even tuck their kids to bed😣but i do. I kiss my husband everyday and although he was not used to it as a kid? I think he loves it. I kisses my boy at least 100 times at the end of his day? Not just because i love them i do it? My body lips can't help kissing them😊💞💞💞

[@ontimeformyparty7116]

This is very courageous of you guys to open up together. Grieving is almost a lost language sometimes in society.

[@yagalterry]

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, as a family. This was beautifully shot

[@5293278363]

Such a conundrum to click 'I Like This' when it is so very heartbreaking.

[@Druuna55]

I am so sorry for their loss. This was deeply moving. Thank you for sharing.

[@crystalmorris215]

What a compelling way of storytelling. Beautifully done. 🖤

[@vblake530530]

This is heartbreaking. Very powerful!

[@debbierabe1756]

Never to late to start , give all the hugs you can. ❤

[@katharinemcgrath428]

So much love and concern for one another was always present, even if demonstrativeness was not.

[@seanharrell317]

Amazing, powerful, and real. This will hold a special place in my heart. ❤️

[@chanty2583]

This is so real in a lot of communities. I really appreciate this. Thank you!

[@Eli-ld7qf]

Very moving and touching. Much love to this family ❤

[@iamqotl]

Utterly beautiful. Thankyou.

[@brendaechols5929]

It's good they are opening up their grief. At the end they are crying and smiling, laughing. The ladys look like they released alot of their pain.

[@michellelivingstone904]

Poignant, beautiful, brave. Thank you.

[@chrisr7239]

*This is so intimate... so profound... so beautiful... so tragic... so moving.............*

[@yenxion6516]

Thank you for sharing your family story with us.

[@karengerber8390]

Thank you for this.

[@asandaqotyana384]

One of my all time favourite documentary. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@NA-or2js]

Thank you for sharing

[@suzngyn]

Thank you for this touching portrait of your family, Carol! I can see similarities in my own family.

[@erly108]

I wasn't sure what to expect upon starting this video, but it reminds me a lot of my own family and how we are towards each other. This was really beautiful, thank you.

[@precioussjg8677]

This was so beautiful. Thank you

[@jasonlang9074]

I think this is beautiful in the sense that this can open a path of healing and understanding. Many ppl can relate to this.

[@karencranfield3480]

beautiful. thank you.

[@renaiis]

Love this. Wish I can have a conversation this long and painfully open with my parents. Usually we hide away and talking about nothing at all to avoid disagreement and embarrassment.

[@JulieAbcede]

This was so good, it really captured the unspoken truth and emotions - how deeply embedded this is through generations and its effects on everyone in the family.

[@rantsbysobria5105]

Beautiful little family with so much deep love

[@sjdave]

Beautiful portrait of a beautiful family.

[@bagiabanca]

That is so beautiful to watch...growing up in a viet family, i know how rare it is to share emotions, hugs and kisses😢..

[@007kitkit8]

I really felt this. Thanks for sharing

[@lorigrassman]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your hearts. 💜

[@powelljohn1856]

Hello Lori

[@CaptPicard81]

It was nice to see them smile at the end.

[@vibrantscolor]

Sending three virtual hugs, thanks for sharing.

[@tndyamond2]

At least the mother and daughter hug and is breaking that cycle.

[@daisyk.742]

Thank you for sharing this raw and intimate documentary about this family. I also grew up in an Asian immigrant household where we didn't know how to discuss difficult subjects and communicate/show our affections to one another. I was also very close to my grandmother growing up and her passing haunts me still. It's been 15 years since her death and I still cannot stop crying when I think of her.

[@thelittlemaldos1389]

That dad needs a hug.... heavy burden he has been carrying What a sweet family Praying for the healing of their hearts ❤️

[@moonchild1518]

Very powerful, thank you

[@danyellowlyn]

Thanking you and your family for sharing their pain and grief. We Asians often think grief is embarrassing or even shameful. But showing it like this can help others going through something similar, and maybe unburden yourself of the weight. It is not a bad thing to show your sorrow at loss of loved ones. Thank you again.

[@brenale_heartsJesus]

How raw this is....so beautiful and painful.

[@Mrs.TJTaylor]

Wow. Stunning.

[@bridgettejones3292]

That was sad and beautiful. ❤

[@na6241]

Tears running down my face as I reach the peak of the film. Too raw.

[@lisakuntzman7017]

What a wonderful beautiful healing for this family to understand why certain ways go on for generations your beautiful family definitely has made me think about my own family and all of the hidden little secrets and how sad they make me

[@stern6068]

This is beautiful!

[@gracieosornio9291]

deeply moving stories and experiences, the interviewer did a great job.

[@gracele4724]

I am Vietnamese and the explanation that this women gave was so accurate. Its hard for Vietnamese parents to give lots of love to there kids. Listening to this interview reflects my own life.

[@jenniferschmitzkatze1244]

That was healthy for the whole family It is good to talk it is good to cry . Afterwards the world is more cleared

[@SJSU_Spartan]

Incredibly powerful video

[@SOOTHSAYERVEGA]

I wanna give them all a long tight hug with a kiss on the forehead and tell them everything is ok 🥺 Bless this family

[@awoFalase]

that was amazing.

[@BeIIaLuna]

Sending love to this family 💜

[@teddybear-cz9cq]

This was so emotional and beautifully filmed