A Powerful Tool To Stay Yourself in Enmeshed Families & Situations

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Self Differentiation Expert Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC teaches you how to use 'confusion' or stating your confusion as a means to resist enmeshment and arguments. Jerry Wise has been helping people achieve self differentiation for 38 years. Contact him at 317-919-6264 or [e-mail]

[@jerrywise]

👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼 ➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ 🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@rondae7121]

Oh my mom was the victim in everything. She was good at ignoring what she didn't want to address. I know now, yrs later and after getting help for ME, she was only doing what she knew at te time. However, it doesn't erase the trauma that I'm now recovering from. I absolutely love my life now. Enforced Boundaries are a life saver. I am able to think for myself.

[@orangeziggy599]

I love this concept of 'I feel confused" and it's that simple. It doesnt accuse the other person or demonize them, and it doesnt lead to any fights or escalations. It keeps you calmed down and it reminds you that you can leave and take care of yourself at any time. Kind of like suddenly walking into a swamp at night, "I feel confused" is all you need to know, you dont need to know 'why' or get an explanation out of the other person as to why they decided to mistreat you, all you have to do is take care of yourself.

[@351cleavland]

Years before I cut off contact with my father he told me once that he thought he did a "pretty good job as a dad." It came out of the blue. I responded by saying in a mellow voice "the only way you can honestly say that is by asking me or (my sister) how it was for us. Would you go up to a customer and tell them they really like your product?" He backed away from that statement. In a way, I felt uncomfortable saying that as there is an implication that us siblings are somehow the bosses qualified to evaluate his performance in a job. But in reality what I wanted to get at was that there was no real connection between him and us. What his perceptions were belonged to the realm of fantasy. In fact, growing up, he was a constant powderkeg of anger. The main conection I had with him was through volumes of his anger in response to needing help with homework, clothes for school and sometimes food. I feel sorry for the opportunities he missed. I feel sorry that he had a huge hand in instilling in me some very painful self-perceptions and yet denying their existence. It took me a very long time to realize that he was a true coward. I mean that purely as an observation based on missed opportunities he had to help us "kids" in critical moments. Yet denied the obvious mental health issues as things that are typical to teens such as both of us winding up in in-care mental health facilities. A decade ago my 1/2 brother wound up in a substance abuse program for heroin addiction. he chalked that up to teens being teens. At that point I realized all my efforts towards him and my brother were going down a toliet of his own perceptions. For that I feel a sorrow. It took me some therapy to realize his fantasy that he wanted us to beleive was that everything was okay. I prefer reality. Its harsh at times but it allows for more constructive decisions based upon evidence. Grace is only real when its present in reality.

[@corinneharrison9113]

Happy for your awareness ❤️

[@orangeziggy599]

"If someone says a personal sleight, then what they're saying doesn't fit in my paradigm, my worldview of my self. It doesn't go along with my self. But I don't need to make them get along with my self- my self is MY SELF!" THANK YOU Jerry!

[@PaahanaMaoli]

Thank you for taking time to shed light on undifferentiated familial ego masses and how to mentally navigate them by taking the high road and being neutral. I can’t believe more people don’t talk about this!!! ❤

[@GodsgalMN]

Very good instruction to keep from becoming enmeshed with a family member that has dysfunction. I’m planning on utilizing these techniques the next time I have the opportunity. Ty.

[@jerrywise]

Great! Glad you found them helpful, feel free to come back and comment how it went / the challenges you had applying them

[@whamadam7]

Make no "confusion", I find you to be an amazing person, seeming to have this authentic desire to share the knowledge. Thank you :)

[@dnk4559]

I just need to listen to this on repeat over and over!

[@jerrywise]

I'm glad it was helpful. This can definitely take practice (emotional practice especially)

[@kareemmohammed5270]

resonate, powerful observation yet it triggers me which is useful for self insight. to observe and not absorb like you say in terms of using confusion to stay self differentiated.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for sharing!

[@virginiasmith5278]

Another excellent video from you Mr Weiss! I try to listen to your videos when I'm doing something else but I find that so many things that you say I need to write down so that I can absorb them, memorize then you really apply to me.

[@darinsmith2458]

I would say my "deer in headlights" action was very similar to your "i'm confused" line.. the main thing was that i stopped reacting

[@trev777]

Thats a good one. Thanks Jerry! Your videos help people daily! When I was really going through it, when I first broke contact w my narc brother and started standing up for myself in my family I listened to your voice daily sir. So thank you again. Blessings.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you so much for being here. I’m happy you find my videos helpful❤️

[@lrooney813]

Absolutely love this one! Well said & such useful ideas...

[@Sharon-uv9gz]

Thank you Jerry Wise thank you putting confusion and immessing into perspective.

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

thank you, kind sir.. your offerings were a godsend today, as once again i was feeling horrid, and wading thru miles of articles and videos that didnt address the angles of my situation, dynamics more opposite to mine.. and I also am so glad you took control of your health, because it is clear you are having a difficult time with your breath here, which is sad, but you are ok, good. bless you

[@SkyePhoenix]

LOVE this! "I'm confused"... I will be responding in this way to my mom a lot in the future.

[@pastelrose1042]

Same here👍🏾

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Thank you Jerry Wise....GREAT VIDEO. My Adult kids are told by their Narcissistic Dad.....that they own my life, and "The Mother must do what the kids want/tell her to do"....if she refuses, that makes her a child abuser. 36 and 39....they make ridiculous demands on me, and when I say "No, I will not do that"....they make threats to have me arrested for not obeying them. I divorced their Dad for severe abuse to my life....they obey him. He would tell them, "Your mother is our maid, and there's nothing she can do about it " He set standards for Himself and the Kids...and a different set of standards for me. The kids as teenagers found that if they Agree with Dad....it gives them rights they should not have. So that's what they did.....they kept it up, on and on. I remarried, and they threw a huge fit over it. He's a wonderful, considerate, loving, kind man....married for 11 years. They keep trying to get between me and my husband. The Ex even called my husband to degrade me....2 times. My husband hung up on him. It seems like Narcs can not stop being abusive people.

[@SL-bo7ui]

So good!!!

[@freedomspromise8519]

Good advice, but, each of knows the abuser and their habits. When we get to the point of wanting to gently confront, we may as well bang our head against a brick wall. Most of these people do not stand any type of conversation. They right you are wrong. Always. When my NM and NH start in, I completely ignore them. I finally got her out from under my roof. It was a nightmare for over 10 years. I allowed them to abuse me and my children. No more. NM is very close where I can help if she needs it. I feel like I just finished a war. Ultimatum to my NH about the drinking. Sober over 3 years, but the damage to my family is done. No returning from this. I can only apologize to my kids for not fighting for them harder and plant my feet firmly on the ground, be a wall they WILL NOT break through. It took me a lot to get to the point of being terrified to being the person they will be sorry if they cross.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

This was so helpful with the illustrative family examples. Thank you so much. 😊

[@ingenuity168]

Excellent tips. 👍🙏

[@mgkos]

This is an excellent strategy Mr Wise. As confusion is both a technique & effect of undue influence, “leaning into the points of the spears” (from Buddhist philosophy) is a perfect antidote. Or, as the Medieval Alchemists thought, “turn maledictus into benedictus” Thank you, be well

[@powers6253]

This is excellent advice. Especially half way into to the video.

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad you find my videos helpful, thank you for your support!

[@sylviekaiser1064]

Thank you

[@KYIRIM]

So on point. 🔥🔥🔥 #jesuswise

[@eyalcohen6524]

Jerry l love this technique. The real trick is to catch myself before the compulsion to react.l might need help to do this.

[@edgarallerman9187]

Mindful awareness technique, be aware of your situation and get used to taking a breath and focus on that breath before you speak to anybody, reactiveness is the result of 'self-abandonment' which causes the limbic system to take over and go into a fight, flight or freeze response.

[@lizafield9002]

Thank you so much Eyal and Anazah--I will be trying to practice this as you two are doing..."take a breath and focus on that breath before you speak..." Eyal, if you get a chance please post again and let us know how it's working...I'm going to try practicing Anazah's technique ahead of time.

[@shaanz2.087]

Amazing content 👍

[@jerrywise]

Glad you think so! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@orangeziggy599]

Is emotional cut off okay if it feels like I am setting a boundary that makes me feel stronger? I know you said it sets up a bad habit for future relationships and that is why we shouldn't do it. I wonder if there are some people who need to set a strong boundary like cut-off just to feel like they can protect themselves.

[@squirefergus]

I think sister Cindy has it right. Without contact she can focus her energies on building her life and self-differentiating from the toxic family members on her own without further abuse. This approach just doesn't seem to go anywhere in my opinion and opens us up to more and more abuse. Attempting to appease toxic people isn't a good strategy. No contact.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Gold 🌟😄🤗🌛

[@kleinemaus2914]

Omg . Mary should never go to Samantha ever again and never give her a thought in her life.

[@jerrywise]

😊

[@goldenstringedinstruments5500]

❤

[@hildy208]

Why would you keep a relationship with a mother that let her husband sexually abuse you? How about “hit the bricks, Mom.”

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Serious question…? Why even bother with someone who is evil enough and deranged enough to allow their precious baby to be raped and tortured all to avoid doing something difficult like getting rid of her man? How can we get healing from the source of the original evil? If the mother comes to her daughter with self awareness and deep regret and asks for forgiveness that’s another story. I do like this technique, though!

[@orangeziggy599]

Enmeshed= "en-messed"

[@whamadam7]

Imagine if I use the "I'm confused" technique and they go like "Oh stop it! I too have seen Jerry wise's video"

[@jerrywise]

Hahaha However, saying I'm confused is not a technique, it is how I feel and my authentic response to other's mixed messages or unclear messages. But thanks for the humor, I love it!

[@virginiasmith5278]

.. I'm sorry I spelled your name wrong Dr. Wise. ;/ ;)