ADHD and Friendships: How to Play the Social Game!

The way ADHD brains develop can put us out of step with our childhood peers, leaving us feeling awkward, left out and with social anxiety that can follow us into adulthood. Here, I talk about my own experiences with that, and offer simple solutions.
**note -- I want to add that one of the Brains pointed out that peers and the internet aren't always the best source of information, which is true. Cultures vary, biases like racism and sexism exist, and also, well-meaning advice that might work for one person won't necessarily be appropriate for another.
My hope is that we can sift through all the information available to us and check in with ourselves as to whether or not it feels right.
In any case, personally, if I'd known what to expect on a sleepover, how to be a good "host," or what appropriate etiquette is for a first date, I think I would have felt a lot more prepared to deal with the social situations I found myself in.
***LINKS!***
bit.ly/2bbAhRp Podcast mentioned in the video -great info about playdates and more!
bit.ly/2bc9ckg Help Your Child with ADHD Make Friends
bit.ly/2aHW5kX Helping girls with ADHD make friends
bit.ly/2b5KiSE Friendship challenges for adults
bit.ly/2b3FKew ADHD brains mature a few years late
And this is just for fun - one of the brains pointed out that reddit has an “outside” forum that treats the outside world like it’s actually a game. It’s AMAZING: bit.ly/2aX7RdQ
Help me make more videos! / howtoadhd
"The Show Must Be Go," "Professor Umlaut"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...
“Game Over” sound effect by spazzo_1493, used under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license.
“Game coin” by Adam Weeden, used under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license.

[@kitlove6746]

“You’re such a good listener” naw man I just don’t have anything to say

[@1x0x]

we have a lot to say we just say it to ourselves in our head. extroverts dont have that voice in their head to talk to so they naturally speak out loud while introverts have to use energy to talk out loud.

[@Jelloskele]

@@1x0x I don’t know where you thought of that😂 I’m an extrovert but I sometimes don’t speak or know what to say

[@heatherduke3207]

Or I don't know if what I have to say is the right thing to say

[@NunoLosch]

@@1x0x that's not really how the introvert/extrovert thing works

[@mlem6951]

@@heatherduke3207 this! Xx

[@Funkythulhu]

I'd like to see an adult version of this. Because, ultimately kids are much more inclusive in this manner. When you're an adult, it's damn-near impossible to find other adults willing to be patient with you while you learn how to socialize properly.

[@HowtoADHD]

Excellent suggestion!

[@heatherballard7446]

I agree I would need to find a adult play date kinda of thing to set something like this up. Grant it I. Have one or two friends. Only one consistently.hangs out with me and comes over. And it's never for a sleepover. Just mainly few hours of having dinner and watching tv and then she leaves to go home and I don't see her for weeks on end.

[@lullobiertje]

​​​@@HowtoADHD did you ever get round to make the adult video? (PHRASING) Dating seems like taking on the end boss when I haven't finished the tutorial level.

[@a.k.3110]

Me too. I'm 37 y old, never had friends. Would like to change that but don't know how. I grew up isolated, so my social skills are like bucked diving and i run out of oxygen really fast.

[@Rollermonkey1]

So much this. Need to focus long enough to see if this video was made. 😬

[@Merlijn1994]

Forgetting everyone's name is an ADHD thing too? Why did nobody tell me that earlier?

[@ero1t]

Right....

[@leni1029]

maybe they forgot? ^^

[@UsualYaddaYadda]

I forgot to.

[@uncoolbenz5254]

I dance around that with nicknames and on the other hand I don't really care how others call me. At work some ppl call me popcorn, cause i have popcorn for lunch sometimes, so they don't mind if I call them like Buddah or something

[@connor863]

Same!

[@quickgirl80]

I didn’t know this was an adhd thing. I’m also an introvert & often find that masking for others completely exhausts me. Even thinking about hanging out with friends is exhausting. I’ve neglected most of my friends. Emotionally I want to hang out but mentally & physically I don’t have the energy.

[@raaagdoll]

I feel you.

[@meredithbutikofer5658]

Oof I hope u can some day find the energy

[@roseluv985]

Yess.. you get it

[@missdaisysunshine8633]

Ditto

[@undercookednoodles8873]

The worst thing is when I finally make a best friend and get to exhausted to hang out or socialise with them so when I’m finally ready to socialise again they’ve got a new best friend and is doing everything with them . It’s not their fault I know I can’t just expect them to wait forever it still hurts tho

[@fen4554]

Feel like I'm getting all this info about 3 decades late o_o

[@ajguevara6961]

Then I must be lucky, I only get this info, like, 10 years late TuT

[@86Krullie]

Same!!! Better late than never!

[@PETERGIMLE]

I'm 61 and it hit me like a ton of bricks three weeks ago. Was this even invented five decades ago.

[@illusstrait]

I think this is me too. 30 and realising I'm adhd and probobly dyslexic. Fml

[@illusstrait]

Just realised I got distracted by the comments and missed half the video.

[@Clutterbug]

I'm almost 40, i think i need to ask my mom to schedule me playdates...lol. Peopling is hard.

[@HowtoADHD]

isn't it though? (even harder when making vids constantly!)

[@ranusaab8864]

How to ADHD please I think I have adhd its like you know my life strangely IM A KID THOUGH

[@jackiewong5108]

How to ADHD I always say really random stuff and it's just weird when people look at me, just wondering if make sense! I don't even have a ADD diagnosis.

[@benjaminbest2091]

My odd and random things i say actually help me get friends.

[@thalia6271]

I lost all my friends because im too verbal agressive... So yeah. Peopling is hard.

[@wishingtree3774]

I have ADHD, Some times I feel like people aren’t friends with me cause I’m too friendly

[@AngleF]

Akantha R there’s probably also an issues with them not being a good friend by not telling you what you did wrong, because if they really cared about you, they would try to work out the problems with you and tell you what you did wrong instead of immediately leaving you behind and giving up on you. I’ve done that before and got back together with that friend and I feel horrible for doing that because it must’ve been so confusing for them hearing this this and that but not knowing the full story, luckily we worked things about and are back to being sisters! Hope you can find help as well!!

[@TheSCPStudio]

@@AngleF you literally contradicted yourself

[@elizabethbennet4791]

i takl too much though...

[@gonnfishy2987]

feels ya 👐

[@gonnfishy2987]

@@TheSCPStudio i feel like you literally do not understand this whole thing

[@Raindropsontheglass]

Messaging friends back and remembering their birthdays is my greatest struggle

[@saucegremlin8215]

I have a small group of friends, and they all also have adhd, so we confuse each other, so it's all good.

[@unkownstone2331]

I have a friend and we are the same way adhd wise when we talk we confuse each other than we get frustrated at each other than we explain our selves better and we laugh at the fact that we get each other so well :P, so yep its all good :D

[@magda1578]

That is aweomse! :c

[@unkownstone2331]

Miss.Dog i know right!

[@KiaZiShiru]

yeah, it's awesome when you have friends who understand you... downside is when you all have social anxiety so you literally meet up 3 times a year on birthdays and keep promising to do it more often, but never get around to doing it ;)

[@SkylerSebert]

UnkownStone Same here with one of my friends.. (I only have 2-3 friends) She has ADHD and we get so mad because we don't know what the other is saying but then we start laughing at each other and usually get in trouble.. (The teachers gave up on splitting us up in the class because we keep each other working and distracted in someway.. it's like if we talk to each other, we get more work done! Win win!)

[@god-gl2sx]

I do this sometimes, but I have ADD. I will talk to someone forever, and then not talk to them for a week. I don't mean to, I just do it on accident and move around a lot.

[@VegaStudio12]

SuperMr. Spike THAT'S SO ME

[@fnaf2ventnoise330]

yeah but like I wanna text someone (they dont answer.) I feel self conscious then text them agen then they still don't answer. It's a vicious cycle

[@Cheesusful]

same, (not got ADD diagnosed yet but i'm expecting it soon...) i talk to someone loads about EVERYTHING, talk about my life story, their life story, life the universe and everything. Then the next day worry i talked to much/shared to much/didn't remember enough about what they shared.... and then dont want to talk to anyone for weeks

[@goodandbadpeople]

SuperMr. Spike That’s sounds like totally me 🙄

[@cobalius]

A week? I talk like 2h a day to a friend and then forget about them for a month or two..

[@einarfitzrocque7423]

One of the hardest parts about growing up with ADHD is the lack of understanding. I was only diagnosed when I left my mom’s place at 16 because she didn’t believe that it actually existed. Many of my teachers said that I “had so much potential, but needed to try harder”. I had no idea how to socialize when I became an adult because I’d been excluded from friend groups for being too “weird”, and is often say or do things that I had no idea were socially unacceptable. I really wish I found your videos when I was younger, it would have helped a lot! They do help me now though, so even though I’m still not completely adjusted to society, I feel a lot more comfortable in it.

[@paliisthamaharjan276]

omg same i dont fit with society peoples my age and i say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing i feel very anxious going out with friends when i know im not good enough it just idk how to fix it or can i really fix it ?

[@MG-gc8nn]

I’m crying...I thought I was just a weirdo who didn’t know how to talk to people 😭😭 it’s nice to know that it’s because of my ADHD

[@eonstar]

I find making a friend is easy but maintaining can be hard :p. edit: Guys I made this comment 4+ years ago, can you stop replying :\

[@ClaytonCurnowiscool]

THIS!!! - thoughts on: making friends? pfft easy peasy maintaining friends? Omg no I can't let them find out I'm just a hot mess underneath this all who they probably won't like once they really get to know.

[@eonstar]

Clayton C lol

[@eddie2379]

you just gotta find the right friend man not everyone sticks

[@eonstar]

Anal Douche I miss my elementary school friends ;~;.... we've been together since 3rd to 8th grade..... now we have been separated :(

[@Mitchx42]

eon star I'm so so, sometimes it's easy to make friends it's a chore to keep them or say to make it work. Other times it's hard and it's like there got a wall or its miscommunication than awkwardness and uncomfortable but I know if I break through it and each become comfortable we can become the best of friends.

[@yourmom-lw7no]

PLEASE DO ADHD AND DEPRESSION

[@AUnicorn666]

Im from the future oooo and she has {:

[@johnspencer6977]

Whats the vid called?

[@johnspencer6977]

@@AUnicorn666 h

[@Speed001]

I have been looking at videos about both and I think that ADHD symptoms can resemble or lead to depression.

[@elizabethbennet4791]

giving up on life after learning that human beings are absolutely horrible creatures

[@WisdomCritFail]

I'm 20 and about to finally get diagnosed with ADHD after just being told by my doctor that there's a _super high_ chance that I have it. My doctor told me to check out your channel and I've been bingeing your videos today. When you said that some parts of our brains are "a few years behind," that made me feel so validated. For the past while, I've felt like I'm not mentally as developed as my peers and always saw that as something that's my fault, as opposed to a disorder. It's really nice to hear that there's an explanation for this that isn't just that I'm doing a bad job at being a person.

[@benitheboi]

She defend she attack but most importantly she help fight extreme problems back

[@AmirHosseinHonardust]

I always have problem with keeping friends. I get bored from "normal" people.

[@alexbazzelle377]

Get a weird friend with ADHD. And fandoms. Get a weird friend with ADHD and knows how to fandom.

[@AmirHosseinHonardust]

It's fun to fan :D

[@Esspyyy]

this is so me, i always get bored of people so i don't even try to have friends anymore

[@gnexus01]

I personally just have the problem of saying the wrongs things and it getting me in trouble, be it fired from a Job or losing a long time friend.

[@B-MoreCity]

Same here.

[@who.only1016]

Does anyone have a problem acting extremely immature in certain social settings? I remember in middle school, I had some kids I hung out with at the lunch table every day. I acted really silly and think they mostly just tolerated my presence. Other than that, I was a shy and quiet kid. Fast forward to high school and again, I was shy and quiet until I got comfortable in the small class I was in and then I acted silly and like a little kid. The same thing happened in college with my sorority sisters. I was well-behaved otherwise, but put me in a group setting with my friends and it was like my maturity level plummeted. And it`s not "socially acceptable" stupid stuff either, like going out and getting drunk. It's actual stupid stuff, like mushing potatoes all over your mouth. Grade schooler stuff. Or like taking an inside joke among friends and using it ad nauseam. Or constantly running a meeting off the rails with silly behavior. I can't believe the things I used to do. Glad I *finally* grew out of it. But is this part of the ADHD or is this just me having been actually very immature and...I don't even know what you would call it. I'm not an extrovert, so I don`t get energized from being around people, but it was like getting keyed up from being around them and being out of control as to how to act.

[@danielosullivan2256]

yes love when everyone is running at normal speed and your running 3 times faster and you cant contain your internal restlessness so out it comes constantly doing saying things you regret with no regulation .I was similar in my own way .. same of meds

[@maryswenson5357]

Oh this made me cry laugh so hard. I feel your pain

[@JlNXED]

I have adhd and I get the same thing

[@tspopstar512]

This is so me I'm shy when alone but I like feed off others people energy and I start doing very crazy things

[@matildabanana3516]

Same!

[@DigiMatt52]

Asking someone's parents if their offspring can come over to play games seems a whole lot easier than asking the actual person. At age 33.

[@kerryanne7126]

Being an adult is so hard and trying to make and maintain adult friendships is literally the worst. I am always torn between being myself and letting my crazy personality out and also not being super obsessive and impulsive about it. So hard!!

[@LittleHobbit13]

The biggest of moods. I keep thinking I've found decent friends who Understand™ and are like "it's cool, just be yourself!" and then I try doing that and suddenly it's "wow, you're too intense about everything, peace out". In a word, it's demoralizing. I wish we put as much effort into friendship apps as we did into dating apps, I could use the help better matching up with people, lol.

[@SusanHiggins]

1. The video game analogy IS PERFECT 2. This explains my entire life in 6 minutes (and I'm 48) 3. Your videos should be shown in every school.

[@elizabethbennet4791]

Hilarious because my last name in higgins too

[@fatimaallawati947]

YASSS I TOTALLY AGREE!!! This is my life too, I got along WAAY better with either people younger or older but never those EXACTLY my age

[@kerirobicheaux1804]

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@itwasfunnierinmyhead]

I am famous for saying the wrong thing. Being a hyper spaz. Dropping honest bombs. Only having friends that are not "age appropriate" according to the "norm". Not being able to socialize except with Aspies and ADHDers. all I learned growing up was how to sabotage relationships before I became attached.

[@CyberMachine]

definitely can relate to the honest bombs. People either love it or hate it.

[@AA-gl1dr]

I love Autists and Aspies. but yeah same man. Same story here.

[@litchtheshinigami8936]

i am famous for asking random questions that nobody else would have the balls to ask because it's just that inappropriate.. like this one time at school this new teacher arrived and introduced herself so eventually she was like anyone have any questions? And i raised my hand before blurting out ARE YOU PREGNANT ? now if i had been like 8 years old this wouldn't have been much of an issue but i was 17.. and the woman wasn't pregnant.. so everyone ended up laughing and i just sad there wondering what i had said wrong.. i also have a couple of younger friends but i also have older friends though most of the friends i actually stick with for longer all either have ADHD or Autism.. (mostly autism wich is why i thought i had autism for such a long time.. though i was recently retested and found to have some things in common with autism that are most likely more ADHD problems) as a kid i couldn't make friends though i still have a bit of the thing that kept me from making friends wich is general boredom and annoyance with "normal" people now one person will make me feel this more than the other as there are normal people i can tolerate with no issue. but my best friend that i know since i was 9 has Autism amongst other things and even thought there are times where we don't see eachother for a while it's perfect for us as we will still see eachother the same way wich isn't as much as best friends anymore but rather as siblings

[@QuilovQ]

I'm friends with 2 six year olds a 5 year old and a 7 year old I laugh at everything even when I'm in trouble and my sleep schedule is sometimes nonexistent

[@Dancestar1981]

Nothing wrong with having Neurodiverse friends we won’t judge you for being you

[@shaunrunyon6435]

I’d love to see videos on “how to ADHD and parent ADHD”. It’s genetic! Lots of women are diagnosed when their kids are diagnosed. It’s like a spiritual awakening, ha!

[@DragondrawingWithAri]

I have ADHD, and I’m just Learning about my own condition through your videos and when you said it felt like everyone knew something I didn’t I literally started crying because I felt like I wasn’t alone I’ve said that same thing multiple times when I’m trying to explain how I feel to other people.

[@annm.6212]

I am actually a non stop talker, talking with people was never a problam but keeping them as friends is the big deal. they just get crepped out from me, that is why I prefer to sit in silent alone with no one, because I am afraid of what might think of me.

[@MysticOceanDollies]

People saw me as annoying because I talked so freaken much. Safe to say I had very few friends.

[@dishamagnani5711]

Omg, it's exactly same with me. The way i cope up with this is i try not to interrupt my friends firstly, by doing that, i have to listen to them talking.And when someone feels they' re being listened to, they feel better and don't give up on u.

[@guitstikkustoms4448]

It was painful for me to watch my daughter (who is 22 now) experience the same things I did growing up. We would invite her friends over and they would say yes but then on the day of they would make up excuses why the couldn't show, this happened consistently and the same people. Birthdays were the worst for her. She did find that "Level" where she has a lot of good quality supportive friends now tho.

yaaa its awful. One time all my friends and me agreed to make hollween together, and i prepared my costume, made 2Km on bike on costume and no one shows up... Another time, we agreed to watch some movie on theatre and they canceld; so my mom came with me 'cause i was so sad and suprise.. at break when lights on they were there at front... this was like 20years ago and still hurts... sorry my english!

[@darktempleful]

Damn! Even now in my mid 20s people still do that with me... I realized I don't have real friends then.

[@sylphyrin0332]

Guitstik Kustoms I still struggle with people cancelling on me at the last minute and them not showing up to my birthday party. This year I invited 20 people to hang out at the beach because I knew most wouldn't show up and with a larger number, it's at least have a few who'd show. Well, no one showed but one person tried but unfortunately she went to the wrong beach (she ahas ADD too). The worst part is most of them had their own cars and could drive. The most people I've had show up was at my 15th party (just turned 17) and that was all of 6 people out of 15... so my birthdays were always depressing and no one ever really invited me over to their house (there are few exceptions in my life) when I was younger or even invited me along to anything. Now I have one friend I can rely on but it's not fair to him to have to entertain me all the time but luckily he likes me and he can understand because he has it too... just not as bad as I do d:

[@litchtheshinigami8936]

oof.. i actually had it different growing up as i didn't even have any friends the kids here were just painfully honest.. saying they didn't want to play with me because i was wierd and different. i had 2 friends early on and it wouldn't suprise me if they also had some kind of ADHD or Autism.. as they were the literal only two i could get along with without getting annoyed and clobbering their faces in.. for birthdays it usually was just family and family friends that would come over like the neighbours or my aunts and grandparents.. luckily making friends isn't the issue as an adult though.. keeping them is what i struggle with as i just always end up forgetting about them completely

[@Guesswhosbackagain]

My problem is, I make friends easy. But, then I forget to stay in contact with them.

[@chzbabe1]

I just want to tell you that your entire series has helped me FINALLY understand my child...and my ummmm child..is 38 years old. You just taught me today that. It's not my fault, that he thinks differently that anyone else I know. Years of guilt...years of, "I'm reasonable intelligent, why can't I teach my son?", Years and years of not understanding leading to "am I a good mom"? why is this so hard? does he resent me? on and on and on. thank you so much for this series...its like the light at the end of the tunnel and there's no train. God Bless, I feel so much better about me. I have always felt good about my son, he is so funny, witty, caring, loving, intelligent, but I have struggled with me, Thanks again

[@podisthebomb1]

p.s. How is this channel not blowing up its awesome p.p.s. Let's start an ADHD community! Let's just buy all the houses in a community and have a giant ADHD community, our mascot will be quiet els obviously. I think it's a great and terrible idea all in one!

[@HowtoADHD]

hahahah that would be so much fun!!! Trampolines for everybody!

[@ldekker97]

+How to ADHD Yes! Can we have swings too?

[@podisthebomb1]

+How to ADHD I meant the mascot would be a squirrel

[@HowtoADHD]

+Lianne Dekker OMG YES

[@podisthebomb1]

+How to ADHD omgggg you actually talk t your fans!!!! You rock!!!! Idk what I'm doing haven't slept or ate in a couple of days but yayyyyyyy you talked to meeeee!!!!

[@Sinclairelim]

Big issue here- I have friends, i like them and i think they like me. And i forghet they exist... often. I get so caught up in my sfuff, be it my job or just killing vampries in skyrim, that i completely forghet they exist for, sometimes weeks. I don't message them or ask them to go for a beer. I've found myself accidentally isolated from my friends and family for a couple weeks because i got caught up at work... and neither friends nor family appreciate it. I'm not sure what to do. I congratulate my friends and family for being so patient with me. I fogthot my dad's birthday yesteday and he was only slightly upset, which is a lot, but i don't want to keep trying their patience. ¿And advice you can give me?

[@jackiet1716]

If you have a smartphone, set up reminders. You can customize them to remind you of whatever you want (birthdays, appts, or even just to communicate with others) and how often you want (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, etc.) This has worked well for my son and I.

[@litchtheshinigami8936]

this is so relatable.. i forget about my friends all the time so we often only end up speaking trough discord calls or on birthday parties... OR if they invite me.. i just don't have the guts to invite them

[@oeu3669]

Sinclairelim this is soooooo relatable!! You’re not alone is what I want to say

[@CrippeLennerbrant]

Sinclairelim Omg same!! I’m just discovering ADHD, and THIS is no doubt my biggest source for anxiety; being a bad friend because I forget to stay in touch, then unable to make someone truly believe I care about them (including partners).

[@franceslothian1319]

Yes I do this too. The only thing that helps is to have a certain time to catch up with friends. Like make Wednesday night "connect" night, set a reminder on your phone and just do it.

[@becsingleton7951]

I related to this so much that I started to tear up. I’d never heard someone explain that they felt like there’s were social rules that everyone seemed to know but themselves before. I had always felt this way growing up but had never heard it put into words before. I also liked learning the science behind it. I feel really relieved now. I hope you have a great day!

[@CameronSandersonUK]

the video game analogy’s work absurdly well it’s almost uncanny

[@leonormorais8509]

I think my major problem in making friends is my low self esteem. other times is because I feel I don't fit so why try? I guess I prefer hanging out with people whom I click faster. do you think this is alright?

[@halderarmando]

That's the recurring theme of my life.

[@leonormorais8509]

aw, thank you, brains! that's soothing to know! :3

[@podisthebomb1]

Yeah most of us have really bad self esteem issues, mostly because we're scared we won't be able to control ourselves and will do something stupid :(

[@cavanhoward479]

noob scraper I feel bad for you mate yeah I make a lot of bad decisions and get in trouble

[@debrajessen7975]

noob scraper I'm 50 and still making bad decisions🙄😩😤

[@jackiet1716]

I just came across this channel after a night of crying out of frustration of how others react or interact with my 10 year old son. I'm going to have him watch this video tonight because he will relate to the video game theme so much. I also love how you explain things from your perspective, because as I parent, sometimes I feel lost on how to handle certain situations. Sometimes I feel as if I'm chipping away my sons self esteem and confidence, without even realizing. I love your thoughts, advice, and tidbits. This helps me to understand and connect with my son. Thanks so much. I'm subscribed to your channel and can't wait to view more of your videos!

[@leinagoldman2817]

my mom was like you. try not to make him the bad guy, ie, look what you did, you made them feel uncomfortable, why did you, etc. try to just tell him things he should/n't do, not shouldn't have. if you tell him he makes other people annoyed/feel bad that will make him frustrated with you and himself.

[@kristinb5073]

I teared up reading your comment. I’m in my late 20s and just got diagnosed, and wishing that my parents or any adult in my life had listened to my struggles that I now know were my adhd symptoms. If you’re trying to understand your kid and love & support him through it, even if you’ve never had to go through the same thing, then you’re doing great, mom 🖤

[@jackiet1716]

Leslie Goldman thank you! Things have been so much better since I started watching this channel, along with others. It has really opened my eyes on how to see things from his perspective, handle situations better, and educate others when they don’t react well!

[@DeliaNErik]

Omgosh reading this my tears 😭 roll down my face cause this exactly what I been going through with my son ever since he was born now his a teen and I’m still struggling to the point I had to call the cops on him 😭😭🥺🥺🥺

[@sebastianrix6038]

I just found this channel (through my dad). I'm currently 17, and I wanted to say that this video is super helpful. It makes me very happy and more assured that people other than me are going through the exact same thing.

[@breaknstuff]

every single video of yours i watch, you say something SPOT on to how i felt as a kid or how i often feel as an adult. thank you. lots of courage to put yourself out there like this

[@alannikander1987]

yet again... the "Wow, that explains alot about me now, and me as a child!" popped in my head... Jessica... you are a blessing, and it is nice to know that I am not alone in my experiences in life..... but why couldn't I have discovered these truths when I was a kid?????

[@Katy-sh3ru]

Alan Nikander I also totally fell through the net. And my mum.

[@ClaytonCurnowiscool]

I went to 8 different schools because of my step dad's job which was in a different city every few years.. So I had an early exposure to the many many MANY different types of people and friendship groups.. at some schools I was harassed and bullied allot and other schools I was accepted and well liked... Which left me really unsure of what to think of myself but I did manage to note my quirks were often amusing to others and learnt to play it up as sort of a class clown type. After school I went to drama school and did an acting degree and was SURROUNDED by the most amazing and crazy individuals I've ever met and I spent three years with them basically affirming my quirky outrageous personality. When I left uni I was so confident and enthusiastic, it didn't matter who you were I would happily approach anyone and do my best to make em laugh. I still have tons of self doubt however but I also have experience and memories of times that I've been absolutely fine and I LOVE to challenge myself to be bolder than any of my friends... Atm though I'm done with people for a bit... I seem to have a love / hate relationship with people in that I either really wanna be around everyone doing absolutely evening.. Or I wanna be home alone totally isolated for maybe weeks on end not answering to anybody. My adhd is certainly a fun ride though and I wouldn't change it for anything.

[@GreenRock314]

Oh my god. The whole puzzle is piecing itself together with every video I see here. This is so relatable and amazingly explained! You're doing an amazing job Jessica!

[@davidstafford4873]

Love your show. Your perkiness really helps me listen to your message. So good to see you smiling again!

[@cygnuslyra7839]

Hey there, listen to this. i'm a 21 male who spent 4 years alone on the internet but talked with people and generally got along. The last 2 months working at a new workplace has boosted me socially (invites to bonfires, invites to coffee (however i think to much and I going to stop right before I get too personal and overthink something, shit I'm overthinking, anyways)) and it is all good, however, I'm looking to get more personal one-on-one with new people. Wha-how-er I'm at a lost. I tell myself "ADHD is unique and I should embrace it" and then I say "ADHD is making me look like I'm 12 and its killing me in the most depressing ways." Huh, Back to people, I love people, I really like you and your videos because its scares me how similar they are to my life experiences. How do I do invites. I don't know "where" to start. Thanks in advance however I will monitor this comment 24/7 until i forget and come back in 2 weeks.

[@franceslothian1319]

Think of things that two people can do like a bike ride or something like that with a purpose that isn't just about getting to know the other person. So if you want to go and work out you can invite a potential friend to work out with you. They might not end up as your bestie but then again they might! I'm just getting the hang of this stuff at 59!

[@vaishalilebron59]

Even though my ADHD is mostly Inattentive, I find myself saying things that either sound really different out loud or just very random which makes people react to me differently than I want. How do I control what I say so I'm not perceived as weird or immature?

[@ainsleymason852]

I do that all the time!

[@lunalovegood7237]

I know. Today I said to someone Do you like burgers? And they sorta looked at me and walked off. I also calculate every thing I say so nothing weird come out. I want to be normal but with ADD I struggle a bit. When I calculate though, I stutter a bit because of it. I am actually a really social butterfly but I can't help what I do

[@franceslothian1319]

Just laugh at yourself! If they look at you weird just laugh and say did I just say that out loud?! I learned to laugh at myself at an early age, it just diffuses the situation and then other people find you funny instead of weird.

[@lisamedla]

Weird is normal normal is weird. But worst case scenario just say that that sounded a lot weirder when you said it than in your head. Maybe start a discussion on how that happens sometimes. They might let you know a situation that happened to them or how they handle it when it happrns to them.

[@stevenwarme3928]

You hit the nail right on the head so often. To all involved with bring us this insightful and personal information, please know your doing a great service for my daughter and I ( and many others I'm sure ) , Thank you!

[@kalidoscope3270]

This was really helpful. I am 46. Nobody told me social interaction can be playful... It always have been just exhausting to me... Thx Jessica, I will try this out!

[@SeasideBliss]

I JUST LOST 'THE GAME'

[@HowtoADHD]

Here's a quarter, try again! :D

[@aphroditesummits8250]

Mr. Ocean wanna loose with a looser

[@AniZee13]

I'm 21.. all of my friends my age are in the lets go to the club level of the "social game" I'm usually a extroverted and social person, but I cant bring myself to do this. This "level" gives me so much anxiety. I did not know this had to do with my ADHD but it makes SOOO MUCH SENSE. My whole life I have gotten a lot much better and felt most comfortable with people just a bit younger than me, I know why now!! Thank you so much for this. I guess I've got to start small and work my way up to the "level" my same aged friends are at.

[@chrisryba6190]

As a parent of a 13-year-old girl with ADHD, I cannot thank you enough for these videos. They are really helping me come to understand her.

[@lupefelix_]

I am so happy I found your channel! I can relate soo much with your video content! It’s also an overwhelming feeling of belonging knowing there is an entire community.

[@courtney.22]

I have ADD and I have A TON of friends! I feel like my ADD adds to my personality!

[@PaladinswordSaurfang]

I have ADHD and I've had a lot of people that like me and think I'm cool, but don't have any "close friendships" or people I spend time with and have a personal connection with. It's weird. In some ways I've always been the cool popular kid, but I've always felt so alone.

[@courtney.22]

Frample Tromwibbler I am in a friend group. It's only like 6-7 people. I've been friends with my BFF since preschool (long before I was diagnosed.) I'm definitely not a loner.

[@banjoplayingbison2275]

Me too, I've kind of felt the same too

[@unkownstone2331]

i have adhd and also have lots of friends inside school and at recces they all follow me like they have nothing better to do and it frustrates me! so thtas why i became a "master" at 4 square cause none of them like 4 square. but then again thats kinda rude :P

[@davidheseltine85]

This is me. I have loads of friends, no close friends. I had 1 close friend at school, but at school I had massive problems fitting in, so hardly had any friends. It's in later life (i'm 31) that I used my weird and crazy personality in a more positive light and I quickly developed a large social circle (more than 1 in fact), which was very hard to come to terms with after years of being a social outcast at school. I had assumed no one particularly liked me, and it took me a long time to believe that people actually thought I was good fun to be around. I guess my social skills were simply lagging behind my peers for all of my childhood. I only realised I had ADHD a couple of years ago, and so it explained a lot.

[@Magpyro]

Coffee dates are my favourite level! The strong taste of coffee and the tactile aspect of the mug helps me focus on the person, and being a good listener, instead of dominating the conversation. I'm glad there is a scientific reason I always struggled with the social game and it isn't just in my head.

[@danielsteffe3271]

I am so thankful for your work, jessica. Everytime i watch one of your videos it helps me understanding myself a bit better. Thank you , thank you.

[@whimsicallady9759]

I absolutely love this channel I DO have ADHD and this explains my while life! I haven't been diagnosed ..yet. I've struggled my while life with this. Ive always know I've had it but it's comforting to know sooo many ppl are like me.

[@shivyabansal1659]

Your videos are amazing! These are stress relievers for me. It feels so good to be understood and be told that I'm not crazy. Everytime my family makes me feel weird for talking about my ADHD or mental health in general, I start feeling guilty for getting diagnosed and help (All I wanted was to live up to my potential because I could always feel like I can do so much better). I don't have amazing grades yet to show them that I am not crazy for thinking there's something wrong with my brain, since I just started medication a few weeks ago. So I watch your videos to feel better after talking to my family. You're amazing and you're touching so many lives.

[@konraddax3659]

As an elementary school kid I had no idea what was going on in social situations and I got to the point that I developed anxiety too and I actively avoided social interraction. Thank you for sharing with this video and for making it lighthearted and informative!

[@Worminthedirt]

I finally came across your channel and omg it's so relieving it's making me cry. I just wish I had a mentor like you to talk with. Social anxiety has taken over my life and it's holding me back from so much 😩 agh, gonna keep watching..

[@abdul.arif2000]

3:02 is a godsend, that's how I knew what to do at a party and made me more confident because I was prepared for what to expect and how I should approach groups of people I want to socialize with and meet cool people. However remember to enjoy the process, don't put stress on yourself to "perform" well. Remember we are there first and foremost to enjoy ourselves, to socialize and have fun. Not to try and be perceived as cool and make others like us. And don't stress, keep putting yourself out there consistently and I promise you will get better! Also if you decide not to actively work on getting better at the social game, your social confidence slowly but surely starts to decline massively. Let's say you decided to focus on studying and no partying for one semester. Well, you might notice that you became pretty rusty in those 4 months in talking to new people or maintaining good eye contact with people. Or listening without overthinking and getting stuck up in your head. It's like building a muscle, if you don't use it you lose it. But if you put in the effort again - you'll gain it back way faster than the first time. It's just like muscle memory.

[@Lordgrayson]

I'm 15 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and other stuff when I was around 11-12 and I never fully understand ed it, however neither did my mum and one of the most difficult question I ever had to answer was "why did you do that" and the reason it was really difficult was because I never could understand why myself because I knew it was a bad thing to do and I knew I shouldn't do it and sometimes I just didn't want to do it at all but I just randomly did it and was then forced to try to explain that... I can't explain

[@Erictime4fun]

Thank you! This has been one of the better explanations of how to ADHD with friends that I’ve ever heard I especially love the analogy of a video game and the frustrations that come with the real life friend game. My problem is my group of friends keep changing with my life I get a really good group of friends in one area my church my job my community and then something happens and I have to move far away from them and I forget to reach out to that group of friends again.

[@drsmbrownlee]

This is so sweet! I wish my 14-year-old ADHD self had had this. Thanks for supporting the kids who are at sea with the whole peopling thing!

[@MyDancer1996]

Wow Jessica, you are fantastic! What an inspiration you are to people that have unusual, but brilliant personalities and tend to lose friends and get fired from regular jobs. We so need to be reminded that we are OK the way we are.

[@angad4103]

I subscribed because your channel is so helpful. I feel you ON SO MANY LEVELS

[@Grodakatt]

Same :333

[@brianlandis3057]

Wow, this video was made 6 years ago and it is still just as helpful to me right now as it was to the first people who saw it for the first time 6 years ago!

[@spellowdino8855]

Thank you so much! I relate to practically all the things you said in the beginning! Your tips sound great. I can’t wait to try stuff out at school.

[@hollyr5153]

I've never been in a long-term relationship, and this REALLY helped it seem less scary. Like, moving in with someone is a level I haven't played before, and I'll need the other person to be patient with me while I learn it! I LOVE THIS CHANNEL SO MUCH

[@akamiguelsanchez9985]

I'm 28 and was only diagnosed this year. Incredibly I've maintained the same small but close group of friends for 10 years (one for 20). However I found it impossible to make work friends. In previous jobs people ignored me, thought I was a weirdo and generally disliked me. But in my current one, I've actually made friend with everyone in my office to the point where we hang out outside of work. I think being diagnosed made me self aware of my issues

[@mattias2576]

when you said "looking back that makes so much sense" i was like: looking at me and my situation now that makes sense

[@paolazen705]

OMG is like listening my 10yrs old son! He has recently been diagnosed and I showed him your videos to make him feel better, understand his ADHD (inattentive Type) and understand that he is just perfect the way he is! He identifies a lot with all you said.

[@treespeak2848]

I love this! This analogy really hits home. My best level is: use caring for your children as a security blanket.

[@Ibty1000]

though I am shocked that I might have ADHD, all the symptoms jus fit. I get to see u r video when I wanted to get inspired to get organised thru bullet journal! nd a video after another, it's exactly all the questions I get in ma head! I jus can't get enough of ur videos nd explanations really!!

[@kuttebulle]

My favorite level is "doing something together with our dogs - and remember to learn the name of the owner as well". I tend to stick to this level for a long time but I'm starting to challenge myself more now and dare taking risks in potential friendships.

[@archangel01]

i’ve been in medication, multiple psychologists and neurofeedback, and these videos have helped me understand more than anything

[@valq10]

this channel is a revelation to me. explaining so much about myself i never understood. thank u thank u thank u thank u thank u !!!

[@shantemoore6265]

😂 "Da club? Da club!" I loved your TedX presentation. Great information. Good insight so I can understand and help my son.

[@sassygranny8450]

I never actually had friends although I'm pretty social and people can laugh with me. Somehow after graduation I never see them again because they have their own group of friends in their hometown. It's frustrating, I really need people around me to get me through life. All my five brothers and two sisters have so many friends but I'm always alone. Wish I was drunk 24/7, that makes things alote easier.

[@austinflamingo2021]

this is so helpful and such a unique perspective on life. it is meant to be played and experienced, not always understood

[@robertlyons1766]

Amazing advice, and analogy, for raising kids who have some social anxiety. Been binging your videos since my daughter was diagnosed, and I'm like 99% sure I hqve ADHD as well. Thank you for this content!

[@mcphoogirl9988]

This is me whenever I attempt to text with friends. I can never figure out when to keyboard smash, what emojis to use, and what slang is good. In result I text like I’m old even though I’m just 18. My slow typing doesn’t help either, but hopefully the more I chat the more I get good at it!

[@Nathaniel066]

This explains my life and i didnt know it would...

[@erisedstraeh1]

Can I just say that your voice and your smile when you say "Hello Brains!" just makes me feel cheerful!

[@auburnsunlight]

Oh my God. This video just COMPLETELY shifted my perspective. Instead of feeling like I‘m auditioning for „the friend role“, I can just interact with the intention of OBSERVING my conversational partner! AND turns out, there are people who are good by „cheating“ (you put it perfectly btw), and this explains why I feel in awe of some people and much worse about myself when I‘m done talking to them. Thank you for this epiphany ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@halfrightface]

"Da Club :D" lmao that was gold

[@tiapayne4260]

Thank you for explaining my childhood. I am 37 years old now and I was never treated as a child. I am now getting the necessary testing to see if ADHD was the foundation of my depression. You are a huge help for those of us that are trying better deal with who we are.

[@Mika-mae]

Told my mother about this channel so she could understand a bit more about how I feel and what I'm going through. And she just replied about how she knows a bit about ADHD already, and how she was part of the first group in hastings about it around thirty years. And just shot me down. Feels great.

[@D-Elaine.dead-eye]

Just got diagnosed at 66 years old.... I'm stunned. Yet, omg....this is me! Learning. Trying not to be upset over my sorry life so far.

[@sanguinesakura]

Ouch! Shots fired at the end of point 4. Soooo true though, great advice! XD

[@AntonFetzer]

The only long term friendship, I still have, was arranged by our parents, becasue I was so asocial. I still have no clue how to social and at every party I go, I just get completely drunk, becasue that is how I avoid the stress of being faced by actual people. Nedless to say, that I never had any sort of relationship.

[@katdenning6535]

Thank you so much for posting this. My son is in 3rd grade and having serious struggles with the social game. His biggest roadblock is that he doesn't notice how his behavior affects other people. I am hoping this analogy will help him understand a bit.

[@allan1998]

This is the most useful advice on friendships that I've ever received. Thank you!

[@Mr6Sinner]

Ok this is cool and all for kids... but Im in my damn mid 20s; how do we apply all this 'playing' in adult situations..?

[@thevalkyri]

I'm 49 - and we're herd animals. We are biologically driven to socialize. Playing might mean going for a hike with someone, or having a cup of coffee (and that's hard, for me - having to sit still and pay attention to what someone else is saying takes a lot of effort for me) - or it might mean meeting with a group based on a shared interest - poker, darts, or knitting. And even at 49, I still have a hard time dealing with my issues in situations like that - as Jessica says, talking too much, or getting up and wandering away in the middle of a conversation. My son belonged to a D&D group and when it wasn't his turn that's exactly what he'd do - get up and wander off, go play a video game or something, so they made him the Dungeon Master so he wouldn't leave the table. He might have been a master at leveling in D&D, but he's a far cry from leveling in social - his friends found a way to make him stay put though.

[@brianna697]

It's an analogy to make it easier to break down. 'playing' is socializing and vice versa.

[@crystalnichols7224]

Board game night!!!!!!!!!! That is literally how my husband and I plan "play dates." I started doing this in my mid 20's when I was living with a roommate who had started dating my x and I had to expand my social group.

[@lachlankelly9438]

Think back to being a kid. See what people did and what you learnt. Adult it 👍🏻😂

[@86Krullie]

Practice and collect friends that love your Brain

[@kaitlinarielle]

having been basically a career student through college and graduate school, I got very good at the levels "study party" "watching a movie with some friends and beers" levels and now as an adult, where everyone has tvs and beer and no one needs to study, I find it hard to make friends.

[@TheMaliboo98]

I haven't finished watching this and I'm ready to cry...and LEARN. So timely I saw this. I had a falling out with one of my only friends the other day. She has BPD, but this really was primarily on me. I have been feeling like I don't even want to bother to continue a friendship with her. Feeling down on myself.

[@sarahnemzerkohl9516]

I just discovered you thanks to eric tivers. Thank you for this video! As a teen, I was diagnosed with social anxiety. As an adult in my thirties, I discovered I have adhd. This video helps me understand my childhood in a whole new way. Thank you

[@howardkurtus7069]

I'm pretty sure I'm just ADD anyone else think their in the same boat?

[@AubreyLavigne]

ADD was merged into ADHD back in around 1987. Now it's three sub-types (or presentations) of ADHD: Predominantly Inattentive (what was called ADD), Predominantly Hyperactive, or Combined (both sub-types) But yeah, I'm in the Inattentive category

[@howardkurtus7069]

thanks for the knowledge

[@anaolbe8256]

Howard Kurtus yes

[@________9151]

Well now ADHD and ADD are both called ADHD I think.

[@jasminesavard3761]

I'm ADD

[@grease_king]

ur a thousand percent more helpful than my god damn therapist who i pay thousands of dollars a year lmao but also how did i not find this sooner

[@disorganizedclutter5513]

I hate therapists. Arrogant, overbearing, but they never listen or try to understand.

[@melodyrivas2777]

This is so informative! I don't have ADHD, but I love learning about the complexities of the human brain and the way different ways it can develop. Your channel is wonderful!

[@shaunperez5713]

I've been diagnosed with ADHD since childhood and it has not been easy. My wife has it also. We've been together for 16 years now. It's been very difficult at times. I feel I have learned a greater deal of information from your videos than before. Thank you so much for helping me understand this. Everyday I get up I try so hard to be mindful of my actions and reaction to those around me. 75% of the time I feel like I fail. Watching your videos lets me know I don't suffer alone. Once again thank you.

[@EpistemicPolymath]

You see with autism (Aspergers) and ADHD I find all of this a lot harder, almost impossible at 22 years old. Why can't people just be accepting instead so I don't have to stress my way through all of these societal standards just to please other people? To me, acceptance is much better.

[@HowtoADHD]

+EpistemicPolymath agreed! I think it's hard for people to accept what they don't understand, so awareness is key. I'd like to do an episode focused on Aspergers/ASD, what would you want people to know?

[@EpistemicPolymath]

+How to ADHD Sorry for the delay in response, but what I would want people to know is our differences are what makes us beautiful and unique individuals. I don't necessarily lack social skills, I lack the common "social skills" that some people expect of me. Instead of being expected to morph into someone I am not I believe we should all learn to embrace, understand, and respect each other's differences. This image explains it perfectly. This can apply to so many things including ADHD. Our world is full of amazingly unique individuals and we should be happy that there are differences between us. We can learn so much from neurodiversity! _lh3.googleusercontent.com/yu3CzA9GU3T_5dEmKq_WFT6OrS5UCfNF0VoyZET-wq29tg7uO1rMKxWxNBdx9WUkfjcAY4CO1Q_

[@Bia-ib5op]

Can you do a video on ADHD and driving?

[@ulthea]

Etraud: I am curious: do you find driving difficult with ADHD? I personally think that - like video games - I am able to focus very well and consider myself a very aware, defensive driver. However, while I am super nice and give way where possible, I tend to become enraged when someone does the wrong thing and this road rage becomes a tirade of swearing in front of my poor kids.

[@The.bitchen.artist]

Haha, this is me when driving. Most of my ADHD friends are absolutely terrible, distracted drivers. For me, I'm able to crazy focus on it and have never had an accident. But yeah, I figured I might need to lay off the road rage when my five year old started yelling, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, JACKASS! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!" at a guy who, admittedly, was being a jackass.

[@hollymailhot]

Driving is very difficult for me. I have improved greatly but didn't get my license until I was nearly 24 and failed my test three times. Still could barely drive in a small town after passing my test. I I have developed ways to help me focus but after driving so long those stop working. Also driving in a busy city is very difficult because I can't make quick decisions and lack depth perception.

[@Bia-ib5op]

Thanks for the nice replies, guys :) I don't have ADHD, I'm just a curious Psychology student. But I found the experience of learning how to drive very disturbing, although I'm getting better everyday.

[@thenastyfridge]

That would be an interesting one! I had a hard time *learning* how to drive. On a side note: I'm German, so learning how to drive a car means STICK, not automatic. So on top of learning how to filter all the stimuli and automate all the reactions you also have to learn to coordinate your hands, feet and eyes and don't choke the motor... yeah, learning how to drive meant a lot of effort, sweat and tears from my side. But once I was able to automate everything I found myself to be someone who absolutely *loves* driving, especially in the city. All the stimuli (combined with some loud, favorite songs I can sing along to) put me in a kind of meditational, hyperfocused state of mind that is really calming and engaging. Yeah, it was a very bumpy road to get to that point, but it was so worth it.

[@lorimcdermott4893]

So thankful I found this! Really helping me understand why I'm crazy. At 58 finally understanding that I'm a round peg in a square world and I'm frustrated that those square pegs are making me conform to their world! My emotions are off the chain when it comes to social behavior. I "used" to be easy going, take the risk, go to the edge of the cliff, now I find the nearest corner in social settings and try to find at least one person to engage in conversation. I feel that I'm always the odd girl out. Work, that's a joke, I don't "fit" anywhere, I usually spend my day in my office with my door shut trying to maintain my focus. Yes, I take medication for Adult ADD but still forget even the simple things like paying bills or returning phone calls. These videos help me understand more about why I am the way that I am and I will use the tips and suggestions. My biggest regret; Losing Me, I want "ME" back. I want that girl that takes risks, goes to the edge of the cliff and climb the water tower in my home town! I need an adult ADD boot camp to unlearn all the baggage the square pegs have forced me to live by all these years. Depressing isn't it when you put the words down in type!!

[@Georgepremier]

Thank you for being kind in your videos :) I’m learning a lot about my brain with them and you’re always so kind. I feel invited but never pressured to watch more :)

[@Georgepremier]

Also, even though I got distracted and finished this video after an hour, I like that this is all video game references. so question for your brain: what kind of tools would you recommend for when you get overwhelmed(by emotions, thoughts etc.) when a conversation turns into conflict with another person. In my line of work, we handle customer complaints I have a difficult time communicating the same when I’m under stress during conversation as my brain goes into meltdown mode while someone is speaking passionately about a topic I’m just not interested in at the time(And yes I may need a new job) How could one manage or adapt in times of quick thinking in a stressful environment? I’m humbled for the opportunity to ask a question - George :)