5 Reasons the Betrayed Spouse Gets Stuck in Recovery

[@dreamitloudnow1955]

Oh yes... I was in that anger/rage phase for about 7 months. A friend told me that I'm stuck in my "righteous anger". That loneliness and abandonment is horrible. So thankful for these blogs. Thank you Samuel and Samantha!

[@RS-rh9kp]

How'd it turn out, are you still together? I'm in this same spot, 7 months in and still hurt like it was yesterday

[@guynellerandle]

The issue I am dealing with is the sudden death of my husband, then learning he was unfaithful. It’s just too much. The overwhelming sadness and actual physical pain is unbelievable. How can i ever get through this?

[@joyshuck7354]

I just want to hug you after reading that. I am so sorry you have experienced such awful things back to back and in that order. Healing is possible. COSA meetings can help if you are still struggling. You still have to option to heal. ALL your feelings are valid. Feelings of love, missing him, anger,betrayal, denial, sorrow.... It's all real and valid. We feel what we feel. We respond the way we practice our response. COSA can help with our response to the many feelings and pain.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

O m g Honestly I could imagine. And I think it would be easier than having to wake up to them every day for years because his parents bullied you into taking him back. It's been 3 years and I just can't anymore. All he does is avoid and tell me I am crazy. That imagine my hurt.

[@stevemines6870]

WOW!

[@lucyfannn7863]

I am not getting what I need from my husband. He won't do any heavy lifting for our reconciliation. He just wants me to act oblivious to the affair and act happy as if it never happened. I am not healing, nor are we fixing anything just pretending to be ok. that is why us betrayed spouses get stuck, when the wayward wants us to do everything yet we aren't the ones who stepped out! I need my husband who is the one who claims he wants this marriage to show me that he's willing to tackle his issues and that he is invested in doing something proactive in reconciling our marriage. I can't do the heavy lifting for us its unfair for me.

[@crsblackmon]

The biggest issue with me is it changed the way I seen my wife. I never would have thought she would do this. It's like I see her as two different people who she was before and who she is now.

[@loricassidy1397]

K Sultana, what you just described is exactly what I'm going through as well. It's been 10 years.

[@CobaltNorthernStudios]

so true its very unfair

[@dreamitloudnow1955]

I am experiencing exactly the same as you all have mentioned. It is extremely disheartening, frustrating, tormenting. I cannot see my husband for who I thought he was. It's like a drape was uncovered from my eyes. So painful. Thank you all for your comments 🙏

[@likehuh459]

My wife has done the same. Never said sorry and still plays mind games. 5mins ago she said she might not want to carry on in this relationship. Just when I thought things were getting better. Stuck in a rut again.

[@professionaltrex4205]

I cant express enough how helpful these videos are. 13yrs of marriage and 4months ago i found out my Wife had a short affair in December. We're trying to work through it but she is so secretive at times it makes me question if shes really committed. The pain, the emotional ups and downs during the grieving process is so hard at times. I/We are dealing with the trama and depression from the loss of our 6yr old Son who passed away just a year ago then adding to it the discovery of her affair has been emotional hell.

[@Rexxdodge]

So sorry man… I can’t imagine.

[@ginaramaci1929]

my heart goes out to you, such a difficult time, 💔 as if the loss of your child wasn't enough

[@tyronebrown3837]

I hope you make it through

[@DarkerSideOfDawn]

Right now I’m angry at myself.. how could I have been so blind.. 30 years of deception. I feel like my whole life was taken from me. I’m so lost I don’t know what to do .. I’m beyond depressed

[@jessedphillips]

Keep going.

[@michaelking9818]

DarkerSideOfDawn I know the feeling of being a right mug, that I didn’t see it happening

[@aprilhaley5918]

I completely understand, I’m the betrayed dealing with UH, had 23 years of multiple sexual encounters. I just found out 6 months ago. He disclosed that he never really been 100% in the marriage. We considered our relationship a partnership with a buddy or pal. He was great at taking care of bills and household, just not me. When discovered He told me that he wasn’t in-love or sexually attracted to me for years, yes we hadn’t had sex in 6 years or more…he always had excuses: tired, stressed, back pain, problems with erections…etc. But I was stupid enough to believe and trust in him. Now my UH wants to finally be 100% married! Ugh! Really now!? I also feel like my whole life has been taken and a lie, every memory is now overshadowed with a fog of lies and manipulation. I love him, and I am interested in what our marriage would be like if he’s 100% in…but the pain, embarrassment, humiliation, and disrespect is so strong.…it maybe too much!

[@u123-k6z]

I'm so sorry.

[@mrchevy73]

Man,IAM just like you 30 years and believe we were a married couple but all I ended up was being a BIG BROTHER to her

[@hermzhank32]

I wish all of you a successful recovery. I'm ten years into this daily nightmare.

[@kerrminator149]

What do you mean 10 years in. Why is it a daily nightmare, why have you stayed

[@sandraredmond4812]

20 years

[@plotting6863]

I feel like this right now, but I don't have the anger. All I have is the sadness. I'm stuck in the same cycle but I have no idea what to do with myself.

[@samshealingpodcast]

get help my friend. expert help. this course will help you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope also, what are you reading and what are you doing for other recovery work? it's absolutely normal.

[@JenTsumerai]

The 4th stage of grieving a loss is hard to get stuck in, as a betrayed we're constantly looking to our wayward partner to make it better and show us there's hope. To get to the 5th stage I found working on myself, eating right and exercise and advancing my own personal goals, seems to make life seem brighter. If my wayward wants to be part of my future, than he can start putting in his work. Don't let yourself get stuck, work on detoxing the negatives with what you can honestly tell anyone is positive advancement for yourself.

[@jimobrien6903]

I too have never really felt any anger towards my wife. It's always been sadness. Really destoys my mental health.

[@Ladylothlorian]

Whenever I turn away from my anger my husband takes that as everything is ok. He is unable to really see my pain and tries to make it about himself...he doesn't even want to seek help from anyone but a counselor. He's told me it's never helped and neither did SA groups. I guess he just doesn't want to get help...

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would turn the tables on him and tell him to come with you to the ems weekend to see the counselors there. they're licensed, 15 to 34 years experience each, and have been through infidelity personally. some have been unfaithful some have been betrayed. see if he will do that. if he won't then you need to consider drawing boundaries and letting him know you won't go back to the way things were again. www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate see if those videos help you.

[@jomaiarnaiz]

@@samshealingpodcast can someone help me please? How can i get help im from the philippines

[@mvd5659]

@@samshealingpodcast one of our major issues is that he thinks that if we have a good day, I'm over it. So when something triggers me and I'm upset he tells me that I just like being angry and that he thought we were doing better yesterday what happened today. I have explained many times that the pain and mistrust and hurt and betrayal is always there, but just different degrees of it. And when he triggers it, bye lying and getting caught or my finding the lascivious material on KZbin, it pulls me right back to those painful moments and I'm back on that rumination treadwheel. He thinks I can take an aspirin and be over it. Doesn't understand that years of abuse and infidelity and setting me aside over and over four different women has taken its toll on me. He has a terrible temper and refuses to get help for it. I'm at the end of my rope because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. It's all in my head. So I hear you and understand you very well!

[@はII]

goldielockks same here , my husband committed infidelity and he thinks he is dine and over from the moment he was caught , but he doesn’t do anything to heal me or doesn’t realize what a deep wound it has created in myself . It’s the worst pain 😭

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

You're lucky My husband went give counseling a chance unless he's alone. So he obviously only wants his side heard. So sick of it.

[@qcarla13ify]

I'm my case, IT'S NOT ABOUT SHAMING, EMBARRASSING OR ANY OTHER THINGS THAT ARE NEGATIVE. IT'S ABOUT LETTING THEM KNOW HOW MUCH AND HOW OFTEN WHAT THEY DID NEGATIVELY AFFECTS ME.

[@amaram7169]

Never thought in a million years I would be subscribing to an affair recovery channel yet here I am #betrayedspouse #2022

[@samshealingpodcast]

we can heal when we are surrounded by those that care and are safe. i'm sorry you're here, but so glad you're here to find help and healing and compassion.

[@amaram7169]

@@samshealingpodcast Thank you so much 💖

[@katrinagarnett3256]

Same

[@chivonfortney1656]

true. but sometimes it is soo hard to even fathom and accept that ur spouse has done this to you when....id rather die than hurt him like that. i keep asking myself how in the hell can u think so little of me to do this...? it makes us betrayed feel like we always way loved our spouse More than they loved us. thats just from my personal feelings. ive dropped it finally. but boy it took me awhile to let it go. move on. forgive. and be more mindful now.

[@robertl.davisjr.2610]

For the past 6 months I have been shaming and guilting. I reached a point of extreme rage, no physical violence or throwing things, just very harsh and cruel words. I understand that she cant understand the entirety of my pain now. Even when she justifies it and rationalizes it for herself to avoid anymore inner guilt and shame. I understand it's a defense mechanism and maybe she's not purposely trying to ignore me or my pain. But what you said about how the betrayed needs to grieve and mourn the loss. That I think is actually the answer. It's for me. I do believe the rage and the anger is an attempt to gain a false sense of control over the pain. I started to think about it and broke down. I mourned the loss of her and relationship in that moment accepting that was gone forever. It hurts but after I felt a sense of freedom and less anger. I felt like I can let go and felt a little closer to actual forgiveness.

[@terrysteward]

How’s things now Robert ?

[@stephaniecortes4474]

I wish to God that Infidelity never existed!! I hate the range of emotions I’ve personally experienced. It’s grueling.

[@pamelafeng7344]

It's amazing how these vlogs pop up at exactly the moment I seem to need them and with content I need to hear. Thank you for your continued diligence on the subject of infidelity. Your videos are making an impact on me and I assume many others as well. I'm only a couple of months in from disclosure day and riding and emotional roller coaster. These videos are really helpful. Thank you again!

[@samshealingpodcast]

you're very welcome Pamela. so glad you found the vlog and are getting help. take it slow and steady my friend. you can get through it.

[@amandamayberry5252]

Agreed!

[@arlenesel]

Agree - these videos have helped me so much. Especially as my unfaithful spouse doesn't seem pushed to get counselling. At least I can work on my own healing.

[@abcisneros91]

I lashed out at my children today. I feel mental. I feel hopeless.

[@jimobrien6903]

I can completely relate to you unfortunately

[@angus10538]

Good timing for me. I'm struggling with recovery; thoughts and feelings still swirling. I am learning from the Bootcamp and videos. I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself and be kind in this process, and be steady, committed. Thank you.

[@samshealingpodcast]

you're very welcome. it's not easy, but it IS a process my friend. trust the process to work through the stages. don't allow a bad day to make you think your recovery is all bad...it's just a bad day ya know? so glad you're here.

[@a1willy_]

I was just betrayed last week 😢 I don’t know what to do but this video has helped. It was sent to me by one of my best friends who I can tell anything too! Thank you Mike 😢

[@JC-gx8zs]

15 months post D-Day and on my off days I oscillate between simmering rage and heart stopping waves of hurt.

[@sharonkanchik630]

Literally me right now.

[@grumpycheerleader]

Your clarity is phenomenal. You and Samantha are so generous to share your process.

[@TinaMarieJ]

Its been 3 months since my husband cheated and we r recobciling but this channel helps me alot as im going through so much pain and anger. Hearing from u being the unfaithful spouse actually makes me feel better

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so glad Tina. thanks for posting and being here. hope you find hope and new life here my friend. i know it's hard, but this is a safe place for you both.

[@sjackson7578]

I’d swear this video was made for me. I am 1-4 and was contemplating 5 but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s not who I am and I’d NEVER want to make anyone feel how I am feeling. I’m 6 months in from discovering and still could go either way at anytime. Half the time I don’t even know who I am anymore.

[@samshealingpodcast]

glad you found the video my friend. you're not alone and it's a normal feeling. i hope the site helps you and continues to encourage you to go in the right direction.

[@btaylor9661]

I hear you, sometimes I am just in a daze.

[@bigananikagiso6413]

Same. Sometimes I can't believe what happened and I feel this overwhelming sadness even when I'm at work, I wish there was a quick solution to it There'd even be times I want to cheat too so my partner can feel what I felt but it's just not me, I cant even bring myself to do it

[@shayneff6422]

I was unfaithful, I feel completely shattered, by what I've done. I'm done with the lies and the cheating. I've lost so much weight, I can't sleep, eat. I'm depressed. My husband is stuck, angry. He's not sure if he can stay, but doesn't want to leave. Now he's drinking. I'm not leaving him ever. I want our situation to get better. I hate myself! I'm committed ill never allow myself to ever be vulnerable with another man other than my man. Any suggestions is welcomed.

[@justanotherhollandaise3258]

I am 2 years post my husband's affair and I'm still struggling. There are days that I don't want to break our marriage and then there are days where I want i to just leave. I just don't know what to do. I want to go through counseling but he doesn't want to because it's been so long and not to mention it's expensive.

[@samshealingpodcast]

do something on our site my friend. here are the courses and before you worry about fees or what not, you can apply for scholarships to any and all of our online courses. here is the application: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request here are the courses: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses

[@christineb1989]

2 years for me too and it's a struggle still. Some days I feel like I can't be with someone I can't trust . Let me know if you need someone to talk to 😊

[@dianestafford6968]

Jennifer Brust Here for you.

[@crsblackmon]

Christina Buchmann so your saying even after two years I'm going to feel this way. 😔

[@carolinasalgado1146]

@@crsblackmon everybody heals differently but im in the same phase 2 years and am still feeling the same as the day i found out. Counseling did not help.😞

[@baryl3969]

He refused to disclose all information over four years which continued to perpetuate a cycle of trauma for me to the point where I wasn’t even myself anymore and I stopped liking who I was becoming due to the trauma. So I left him to keep myself from falling apart any more.

[@jomaanne4970]

You nailed at least 5 A big one too is transparency w\ a kind willingness to answer their questions honestly ONLY to help betrayed gain an understanding

[@vanessarenae5169]

This whole exact thing happened to me today after my husband and I blew up on each other. I mourned, finally, and grieved the loss of my marriage. I also had alot self pity mixed in and because I tried to hit him because I was so angry he called me a f-kn phyco. Which I'm not but I totally lost it. He hasn't apologized, but I have twice. He had the affair, and I was just trying to talk to him after he asked where I was going. I said I don't know, just put of here. He got upset because I didn't know where I was going! A whole fight because he questioned me about my plans? So much love and respect that we gained and earned in the last two weeks seems like its down the drain. Really need to pray about this one.

[@shirugaks7464]

In October 2022 I just discovered that my trust husbandof 29 years has been cheating with younger women since 2018. I nearly most my mind. Iam still trying to come into terms with the information. Thanks for these videos.

[@TheJennyg76]

I do the first one almost daily.. it just flys out my mouth before I even think about it

[@sharathnb]

Same here. Since it's 2 years now, how r u feeling..

[@tonidavisson4924]

I don’t think that having anger or lashing out or mourning has anything to do with forgiveness. If my husband cut off my arm, I could forgive him, but I would still have to heal. I would mourn the loss of my arm, and probably have anger, pain and frustration because of the situation itself. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven him for it. I think that everyone needs to understand that both body and spirit needs to heal after a trauma. I forgave my husband, but I still mourn for the marriage we had, and I still hurt from memories of the affair and things I saw. Im working on healing and I may get frustrated and lash out, but that’s part of the process.... doesn’t mean I didn’t forgive him. If I hadn’t forgiven him, I would have never come back and go through this torture of trying to get myself well again. Just an analogy. That’s just the way I see it Sam. But thanks for your words of wisdom. I listen to you a lot and it helps tremendously.

[@AJ-ls7tn]

Hey. I'm the betrayer, but I was betrayed by him for many years until I faltered. (Now that wasn't the reason I committed adultery, my problem was I got some attention from another man and that felt nice). I can tell you, I forgave him when he did it and called him and told him to come back home, but I would have flashes. But eventually I made a decision to push the thoughts of him and other women out of my mind. It was a deliberate action. Because it was messing with my everyday ability just to live and I had to make a choice to be happy or to accept what he did and move on. Plus he seemed truly sorry for what he did. Now Im the guilty one. I will never ever do this to my husband again, as long as I live and he gives me the opportunity to prove it to him

[@84legit]

A J did you tell him ... and how did he feel.. what did he say ?

[@ivannaalpizar8682]

Toni Davisso I am going through this right now, I just want to die.

[@earlyg1]

Thank you for these. 27years married. Affair in year 2. Didn’t tell hubby until year 10& 3 kids later. We never got any real counseling and are still dealing with flooding and me defending myself. I’m finally seeing where I’ve been going about this all wrong but I think it could be too late. We love each other and our life but he is still in a lot of pain and the devastation rears it’s ugly head at random times and ways. It’s really hard and we are exhausted.

[@paulabowden5989]

Samuel how do I learn to grieve and mourn. I don’t know how. I’m right where you said as a Betrayed. No I have not had an affair. Where does Complex PTSD come in. Idk where one stops and the other starts. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[@jamieknight192]

So right. I am stuck in a saddness filled pain cycle. I am so so sad.

[@jessicawarman859]

My husband refuses to take responsibility for his actions as a person, berates my 5 year old for being 5, won’t communicate with me, puts blame on me for not having a sex drive while I’m angry, over stressed, and 12 weeks pregnant with his baby, and tried to leave me behind my back. I have heart problems and am sick often on top of being pregnant. Stressing too much can send me into a heart attack, and it’s like he doesn’t care. I’ve been nothing but open and transparent, and all I ask is the same in return. Instead, he emotionally abuses me passive aggressively without putting any effort except for excuses and blame into the relationship. I’m at a loss.

[@jessicawarman859]

I’m scared almost all the time that he’s lying about changing his mind to stay. What do I do?

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi Jessica. for starters, i'm terribly sorry about the pain you're in. that's tough to handle. he's obviously not very safe to be around with that type of behavior. i would find expert help for your own healing as soon as you can. maybe even harboring hope on the website here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i would also find someone safe that you can go to if you ever feel unsafe physically at all. have you considered a separation at all to help calm things down?

[@goingon6048]

What can a betrayed spouse do to recover/heal if the spouse will not admit not only did they cheat but they continue to lie about minor things. If they won’t admit the truth, no one can heal. It’s been almost a year and there is proff but they still deny!

[@samshealingpodcast]

often times it's time to find an expert that can help you both. if they are unwilling to get help or see someone professionally, you'll have to then focus on your own healing and work through whether or not you can move forward with what you have or stand your ground, and demand to do work together to heal from the infidelity. it requires a plan and strategy from someone very experienced. it's more than possible, but requires the right help and approach.

[@equisader]

Good question. Years in and he still can't admit it. The guy even had a secret phone! He's only ever admitted to what i've managed to find out not an inch more. He's a born liar i'm afraid. Had my daughter been older i would have binned him. I may yet.

[@nancymosley9935]

Hi, I found out about 15 months ago about my husband's sexual addiction problem and all his affairs, one night stands and so on. Except the ironic thing about this is that it happened nearly thirty years ago when we were only 20 years old. This April we have been married 38 years. I knew something was happening when I was younger, we lived overseas and where in the United States Navy at the time. Every single woman my husband had an affair with was my friend, in my close circle of friends. So this makes it a double betrayal in so many ways. These blogs are absolutely dead on for me. I realize you're probably saying it's so long ago Let It Go, I can't because my life was such a mess at that time and I was pregnant and he was so cruel to me. All the puzzle pieces now are filling in except the way my disclosure worked was that it has been a trickle down effect. In other words over 15 months now I have learned what happened little by little because first I got a lot of BS and then I get the truth and then more BS and then the truth it has been a horrible 15 months for me. We have seen a sex addiction therapist and she was pretty good although very slow in the beginning and it was driving me nuts I need it to dive in and get to the bottom of this crap not talk about constant forgiveness. I'll get to forgiveness but let's get to the bottom of this crap first. The biggest obstacle I'm facing now is that my husband wants to act as if everything is fine because we have lived nearly three decades with me not knowing this dirty nasty Secret well the fact is he has known all these years I have not. For me the pain is fresh as if the Affairs and sex addiction just happened yesterday. I'm logical enough to realize it did not but the pain I feel,the heartache and the betrayal feels as though it just happened I'm still hurt, devastated beyond comprehension, and not really understanding what the hell happened. He says he wants me to heal yet he's not willing to do any thing in my healing process. I actually want to walk away most of the time and yet I think I have lived 30 years not knowing what a fool I've been and how humiliated I feel so why not leave? I wish he would sit down with me and tell me the truth A to Z in one sitting. Why do you think Samuel that my husband will not Step Up and help me, by doing the right thing by me after all the years I have given him. Good years, but he just won't step up and help me. His verbage is right on and he says the most beautiful things to me, but he won't come forth and do what it takes to help me heal he, just goes on everyday as if life is normal, is he in denial still or is it that he really just doesn't want to be bothered since it was so many years ago? I don't care if it was 30 years ago those women were my girlfriends and they all slept with him and one had a 15-month affair with him and I remember what I went through for him to get out of the house. My heart is bleeding and my mind is going insane. He acts as if it's just another day. I really am lost and don't know what to do. Thank you.

[@samshealingpodcast]

nancy, thanks for the note. it's very common that when infidelity was discovered to have been years, even decades ago, the unf think they don't have to talk about it much. they assume, wrongly, that it was so long ago and you've lived just fine why freak out now. what they don't get or understand is that even though it was 30 years ago, you are just now coming to know about it and it can be just as traumatizing for many betrayeds. some don't see it that way some feel and see it as just as equally as traumatizing as it just happened to them as they are just coming to find out about it. he probably doesn't want to talk about it as the shame it brings up inside of him and he's stuffed it down for all these years. he probably doesn't want to rehash it all over again, when to him, it's so long ago but to you. this article series will discuss the shame he feels and how he unfortunately, makes it about him and not you when he feels this same: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame

[@daphnemcmullen1972]

How can I stop with trickle truth and bombs dropping all the time. Now dealing with an std n cervical cancer for the 2nd time I don't even know what stage I am yet. Infidelity has destroyed my life on so many levels.

[@scrappycoco27]

I think as a betrayed husband why is it always mentioned that the betrayed has to carry some of the burden in relieving the pain. Why do we always have to do our part, we did our part by being faithfull but yet still need to be a part of our own healing!?this is really eff up

[@samshealingpodcast]

It's about doing your part to heal you and if you want to stay in the marriage, you'll have to do work to heal. betrayal is horrible and you didn't deserve it, but to heal, you'll have to do work to heal as marriage takes two to move forward. it wasn't your fault and you didn't ask for it, but if you're going to save the marriage you'll have to do work to heal. if not, you can heal yourself and make your own healing a priority

[@kennethdea9194]

I’m stuck in the same circle of fury. We make it a few days maybe even over a week and a trigger ignites me like a bomb. We are 5 months out from me finding out I wasn’t enough and wasn’t meeting needs as good as her coworker. We had date night with our four year old last night. I pushed hard to make it a good night. I go to work today positive on the up and up and pass him in his police car. A person with his own wife and three kids with instant fury that just won’t go away. It’s so hard not to want to rip him from his police car and just battle to the death knowing he hasn’t a care in the world what’s been done and my wife remains in saying “I just needed someone to talk to”. Counseling has been damn near impossible to get her to and when we finally arrive together our counselor is taking a new job and referring us over another month out to someone else. I’m tired of the roller coaster. I’m tired of feeling nuts and I’m extremely tired of feeling in adequate for my family. We’ve now lost two almost three businesses bc it has killed my ability to function and feel like I have any value in doing such. Operating a tow truck as my primary job has me constantly on alert for the next call with this sorry pathetic hero. Yes I’m bitter. He didn’t pay bills, he didn’t sacrifice anything for us, he didn’t contribute a single positive way all while I unravel like a sheet in the wind. My wife says she’s here because she wants me. She wanted me, then wanted him and now “wants” me again. Whose to say she wants him or some other guy again. Right now with my state of being why the hell wouldn’t she. I’ve sent her two links to videos. I’m trying to get self help but hoping some how we end up side by side watching you for inside trying to heal. She truly would be better off with me just gone given the craziness I currently feel and it’s driving me insane

[@AL_FARID_23]

Kenneth Dea hope it getting better Ken...I’m in the same boat...trying to move past this all...but still, roller coaster ride from hell...

[@bigananikagiso6413]

Same, I just found out days ago and I've been wanting to beat up the woman my man cheated on me with but as soon as i saw my man, I threw the first slap across his head then the second. His look of shock and fear destroyed me but I couldn't stop because i just wanted him to feel what i was feeling but it wasn't satisfying at all. I felt ashamed, he understood why I hit him but I still feel terrible for laying hands on him thinking the weight in my heart would disappear💔

[@michaelcoman8371]

Samuel, WoW I'm doing all of these things we have been on this journey for 2 yrs and I know now we need better resources. Thank you for this vlog.

[@samshealingpodcast]

very welcome Michael. glad you're here and so glad I could help.

[@tashayoon4490]

My pain was so deep it destroyed my health badly. Then, I realized these built up anger actually can kill me. I started forgiving my past and him slowly (didn't mean that I'm accepting him again) I was able to get better in me. Now, I'm not as furious as before when I see him. In fact, my feeling of empath is growing bigger and bigger for him. In order to Love yourself you have to forgive..

[@Hhghjku]

I really need help. It is roughly 8 months since “d-day” and I’m feeling pain that is searing. Anger that burns. We went though several months of a program at our church that is designed to biblically save marriages and I can say that it was successful at keeping us together. My husband totally committed himself to a measure of humility and devotion to repair our marriage after his affair. I was so totally desperate to save it and was totally in....we finished a few months ago and it felt great. But, I feel like I’m in a stage of relapse now. I feel so many emotions daily that ravage my psyche. I literally feel like someone with PTSD. So many things initiate thoughts of what happened and my emotions are overwhelming. I almost feel like I’ve become hyper-paranoid and I recognize that a portion of my thoughts and fears would be irrational to a leveled thinker but they still overwhelm my mind daily. I have thoughts of giving up, ending everything, including my life. Sleep is a joke and anxiety rules over every aspect of my daily life’s rituals. I try to bring myself down from those kinds of reactions but they seem to prevail over all part of my life. The act of being happy seems foreign to me. Joy is something I feel will never be attained. Part of me wants revenge- mostly in the form of having an affair of my own or ruining the life of the person who he betrayed me with. I feel isolated. No one in my family knows what happened. Hardly any of our friends know. It was a well kept secret as my husband is a well known, influential person in our area. I can testify that affairs will ravage the lives of those affected, no matter the social or economic status of the couple. It is literally eating me up from the inside out. Please, someone.....provide me hope and encouragement. I feel so totally alone.

[@samshealingpodcast]

jo, here is a video I did with MJ that explains how trauma affects us....you need to watch both parts and consider the possibility that you may have short term ptsd which is treatable and able to be healed: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rIubpJeGhr-jjas kzbin.info/www/bejne/jqmloZiqjNl9gMk joy can return, but it will require expert help and care. this course will also help you immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it will provide support, community, safety and expert care.

[@seedtimeandharvestfarm1600]

I have been a betrayed husband for just over a year now. Finally I just started sleeping through the night. I thought I would never stop crying, but I have no more tears any more, like you, just extreme sadness. I am hopeful because I’m getting better. One year ago I didn’t care if I lived, I hated my life, my wife, and my pretend marriage. My cheating wife was a Christian, so I can’t stand to hear her talk about faith, hope, or forgiveness. It makes my stomach boil because nobody knows about her past. Like you, I’m enduring this alone...nobody knows she cheated in our marriage. Our six children think she is perfect, her church thinks she’s a saint, and I’m the weak husband. Jo, you have to be strong for all of us. Please don’t give up trying. I haven’t even considered forgiving her yet. But I know we will someday.

[@AL_FARID_23]

Seed Time and Harvest Farm same boat as you. 4 months in. So difficult...

[@larrysdrivein]

I was left by my wife 3 weeks ago and feel exactly what you are feeling. I have talked to her and was hopeful she was going to join me for counseling, but she said no. When I read that "no" it crushed my world. It was then and there I knew she has someone new and has no desire to work on our relationship. Twelve years gone. I cant breath. I go to do a task and find myself standing in a haze of anger. Or there are time I get jolted out of my haze and back into reality, back to the knowledge she has left and I am alone. That is when the pain pools across my chest and my heart breaks under the weight. Why the hell does love have to do this to us? This pain must mean Love is a very powerful drug. There is something evil and cruel when one person in a marriage is going along. skipping through life then their spouse rips the rug out from under them and bends over and says, "Oh by the way, I am taking your heart too" .Jo, you are not alone.

[@netrasingh4259]

Going through the same

[@maynorcasasola4985]

I'm sooo stuck. i feel you just described me .and the JEALOUSY is killing me.i need help .can you help me

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi maynor. thanks for reaching out. i would suggest a course on our site called harboring hope you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it's for betrayed female spouses who are trying to heal. i think you'll find it to be a safe place to find healing and insight from an expert protocol, not a general protocol. i hope that makes sense.... you can get through it, but it's going to take more a precise approach to help you deal with the jealousy and litany of other emotions that come along with t his kind of trauma. hope that helps you.

[@christinanetherton7981]

Overcoming Infidelity does the programs help with the ones who irrationally filed for divorce because I felt pushed to but still be “in love” and not know how to heal and just be ok? I know everyone has their own story but I feel super betrayed (i know betrayal is betrayal and no ones grief is less significant than anyone elses) but it could not have occurred at any worse time in my life and I needed him most. We are divorced 2 months now, the affair happened in Feb, and we are still talking and all kinds of messed up because we (I) are stuck in a circle of sadness, anger, an immense pain

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@christinanetherton7981 the course will help you as a betrayed spouse heal and move on....those are nuances that can be addressed through the course in terms of understanding how the betrayed thinks, feels and responds and how to get healthy again.

[@sanlaw584]

Christina Netherton Same with me, my Husband ran off with a work colleague when our son was really ill and had just cone out of hospital. He has blamed me for everything, he is still with her and has become a terrible Father, I am so mad.

[@RL-cb7vt]

I am 7 months passed discovery and my husband seems really remorseful and to be a completely different person. Is he just playing me? He’s seems to be really trying but I can’t help but question him or let my guard down. Some days I feel so extremely happy we are doing better than ever before and working things out for my family but then there are days I just want out, revenge or am just so angry with resentment and feelings that He and the affair partners just got away with this and now I’m left broken to deal with all the hurt everyday. Seems like he got the better end of this deal. Ugh I just want someone to tell me for certain that I am doing the right thing and that it won’t ever happen again. I know that’s impossible but thats what I want. Am I just scared to move on and lose my children everyday or the life I built? So confused and extremely hurt still. I don’t know how much longer I can feel this way.

[@RL-cb7vt]

I found out 2 days before Christmas of that affair and that he was communicating with affair partner and receiving pictures on thanksgiving. Will my happiest holidays always be a horrible reminder of this despicable betrayal??

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's extremely normal rhonda. it's all to be expected. i would suggest doing more recovery work for you and for your own healing so you can feel safe again. i don't think it's a sham, but it's also not long enough to prove himself yet in terms of the changes and the new life he has found. it will need to be consistent over time and you'll need to feel safe. here is an article on how to win back trust over time that you'll enjoy that will also bring clarity for you: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust

[@siamahungulu6760]

I understand exactly what you are going through

[@skill1983]

Sounds like what ik going through now.

[@richellesmitley9107]

What if it’s not anger but just sadness…feeling defeated and constantly, for lack of a better word, “bummed out”

[@violet276]

While I was deployed for 4 months my spouse cheated on multiple partners. I found a years ago and still I’m in pain and even don’t know should I still stay with him. I sometime think that I had to die while I was deployed. It’s so painful.

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi violet. are you getting any help? what are you doing to work through the pain of it all?

[@Jendan7576]

It’s been almost a year. I can’t say I’m staying yet. We had a horrible 20 year marriage, full of anger and lies. He says he’s changed, but how do I commit again when I’m not sure the change is genuine? The roller coaster of “yes I’m staying, to no I’m not” is draining me, but I just can’t commit. Is it okay for more time? Time to see if the angry, distant and unloving person is coming back? I can’t be stuck again, his affair set me free in Gods eyes, but according to my husband it ‘changed him.’ Personally, I’m terrified to be stuck again.

[@ronaldstark8342]

Have you read Susan Anderson' s " Journey from Abandonment to Healing"? She explais how those of us who were betrayed in childhood ( in my case by an abusive big time alcoholic father) have a different set of neurochemicals released after being betrayed by a spouse. Not that I had the option, as my ex-wife never confessed or apologized( and we are 25 years post my discovery), but I wonder if forgiving her was just too insurmountable, in light of my background. And, strangely, I am extremely forgiving in general.

[@samshealingpodcast]

not familiar with the book but i'll have to check it out. thanks for commenting ronald.

[@honey-feeney9800]

Ronald Stark I’m like you, also. My ex made threatening to abandon me a power plat in our marriage . He had an affair and divorced me anyway and I’m relieved now that I don’t have to worry about it any more .

[@WolfCanineServices]

My partner of 5 years cheated on me in my hone and a clients home breaking deep bonds of trust and she only says she doesn't know what she wants from this and if she wants to fix this. What do I do?

[@larrysdrivein]

I know Samuel is going to save my life. Being betrayed is overwhelming. I cannot breath or think or function. I just catch myself looking off into space then trying to remember my task. I get jolted back to reality, back awake and suddenly feel immense pain as i remember she is gone and is happy having fun with her new man. Its as if my body is folding itself onto itself and I am going to die.

[@AffairrecoveryLLC]

1apaxton1 if you feel you're a threat to yourself, you need to call the suicide hotline asap at 1-800-273-8255

[@larrysdrivein]

@@AffairrecoveryLLC Thank you. I was able to get 7 hours of sleep and feel much stronger today. The magic of sleep. I feel stronger.

[@seasonalliving2881]

Can you do a video (or point me in the right direction) about how to confront your spouse if you have proof they’ve cheated but haven’t confronted them yet? How do I confront and what do I say?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would have the proof ready....i would then sit down with them, maybe with a trusted safe third party if you feel you need it to mitigate anger/rage/unsafe behavior reactions. i would say here is the proof.....i don't know what i want to do about the marriage yet, but we need help and i've chosen this organization to help us get help and find a way through this. if you're not willing to do x, y and z, then you'll need to go stay in a hotel or with a friend etc. that you're not going to live this way if they not going to get help. here are a couple articles for you: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change

[@ll3itchwild]

I think I'm here. I know and understand the addiction my husband is going thru, tho he isn't in my eyes trying to help answer questions until I ask them. He only wants to say "I'm here for you " tho in my eyes isn't 100% there, only when I show i need it. I honestly feel as if he is playcating me again alot of times. To get it to stop. Today is 1 year from the first true sign of his betrayal. I've been chewing him out, as you said in this video "if you would have never did this" I have said alot in 24h span of time. How besides grieving, and morning which I have actively done, can I start to move to my next part of recovery? I know I'm tired of asking the questions, and him never offering any info until then. I am tired of feeling like he needs me to babysit him where he wont be tempted to do this all over for the 3rd time. I do look forward into hearing some techniques and advice you might have. Thank you for doing these videos.

[@gatchcat1297]

I think that the Betrayed who has an affair in addition to the spouses affair is the worst thing that can be done to the marriage. Taking the hurt to another relationship would be tramatic to the other people involved. It would be a hot mess and then some. Staying to go through the process of grief and anger with prayers and counseling would be great to have and to restore the relationship between the two of the spouses and not add another person.

[@tamikawoody8686]

I struggle with this I am having a hard time. What else is going to happen when they continue to lie and not be truthful? Always lying and always avoiding the truth and what really went on? After 2 years of hiding and then continued actions of doing the same thing what am I supposed to feel and think? He never wants to take accountability for what he did and what all he did. I’m hurt and I’m numb

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm very sorry my friend. i feel your anguish for sure and i know it's overwhelming. i would demand he get help and if not, have to deal with the consequences. try these two helpful pieces of info with help on how to draw boundaries and enforce them: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change

[@MsPinkCrusader]

I hated him. I always do. 4 years now and it is hard. Anyways, the good thing we dont talk anymore. Which is the best thing ever happened to me. I found my soulmate. the new man made me forget about him

[@ryanwood9250]

What does a man do that resorted to a revenge affair that was constantly betrayed and lied to...how the h do I recover from any of the traumas

[@lovelyalyssa5592]

I’ve been with a man for 17 years and we actually lived apart for 1 yr but continue to work on the relationship but he was actually acting different and then began binge drinking and telling my daughter he don’t even know who he is , then I did a little of detective work and found out he has a really nasty sex addiction, porn addiction and has been with woman I know recently and when I approached him I went crazy and attached him , he doesn’t know everything I know but only thing I brought is the recent affair and it’s been 1 month and he still hasn’t even reached out to talk, and I’m so lost for words I don’t even know what to handle first or how to deal with my anger !

[@michaelcolvin8702]

I cheated and didn’t know what to do but I stood in there and find out she’s cheating now and left. And she is so angry and I can’t reach out to her

[@Detcaligirl]

He moved a stripper gf into his dads house while we were married and taking care of a church. I left due to his lying and cheating over and over. I’m still technically married but moved 3 hrs from anywhere near him. His actions never said anything remotely close to what his mouth said. He will never change because he doesn’t want to. He turns my stomach when I hear his voice and that pain still here it’s been 3 years

[@V.Sison7]

Hi it’s been 1 yr and a half and I am getting stuck again. Doing hurtful things such as digging through his previous conversations

[@madsonic13]

I am so stuck. I can’t seem to get over what she has done. My wife is very remorseful, cut ties to the AP, in a Mental health facility. She is reading the Bible in there. She has bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I feel she will just have another episode and cheat again. It’s hard to trust when I feel like I do. We have 2 kids. I had to get an injunction against her as she has abused me and our children. I almost feel that I have to leave to protect our kids. As she can stabilize and at a flick of a switch turn brutally manic.

[@Claymoreinurface]

I’m so sorry. My ex was like this. I wish you the best and lots of healing. Such a tough situation!

[@reginagarza4053]

7 months and I'm still angry.

[@gwendwlyn3187]

Great video’s !

[@chiamakahadiani2397]

Pls Dr.i need help I betrayed my boyfriend and we hv stay 4yrs now but thing aren't working anymore wat can I do

[@samshealingpodcast]

try the free bootcamp my friend. it will help immensely. here is the link: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp

[@Jnb21]

I don't know what to. My wife wont even admit that shes done anything wrong. I practically caught her in the act yet she still says I'm just crazy and its all in my head. I do accept blame as I have walked away before but we got back together without her taking responsibility because I thought I could just put it behind me. Now I keep catching her in little lies and it just brings back all of these feelings from before and she obviously doesn't care if I leave or not so I'm stuck in limbo not knowing what do and knowing that if I do leave she will have another man in my children's lives. Its driving me absolutely insane.

[@samshealingpodcast]

im so sorry. it's called gaslighting so i would google that and read about it and what it does to the betrayed spouse. it's awful in many ways. do you have any recourse to demand details and information? have you considered drawing a line in the sand or implementing boundaries at all?

[@games4music]

Thank you! Very helpful

[@TrophyHunterTyler]

Okay so what do I do when my partner has had two years to fix themselves and fix this relationship and even show some empathy she put more work into finding a job then she did her affair recovery and now that she has a job she only listens to affair recovery videos when she gets home before she puts it on cartoons cartoons. I feel like she's watching the affair recovery videos just for my benefit cuz usually within 6 hours of watching a video she will ask me for something. It has become so predictable now that I put it in my journal, "she is listening to affair recovery videos in the shower loud enough for me to hear she will most likely ask me for some kind of anxiety medication within the next 12 hours" and sure enough about ten or twelve hours later she asked me for anxiety medication. It's ridiculous because she went through all of her medication alrighty because that's how she copes she's an addict.

[@antoinelyons5323]

This exactly how I feel

[@Shedfreak18]

I’m so stuck it’s extremely difficult

[@shizaarshad9965]

Can't help pain

[@srjenkins42]

Can you recommend a good book or source on grief and grieving?

[@samshealingpodcast]

this book is one that we recommend pretty frequently: www.christianbook.com/grief-recovery-handbook-anniversary-expanded-edition/john-james/9780061686078/pd/686078?dv=%7Bdevice%7D&en=google&event=SHOP&kw=church-supplies-0-20%7C686078&p=1179710&gclid=CjwKCAiAhfzSBRBTEiwAN-ysWCBW-8EvUNGpwMqSagcMd3GHggstv_shrraN9tGGSLKzuSZib445kBoCFdwQAvD_BwE i would try that one and see what you think as it usually helps those who are working through grief.

[@dreamitloudnow1955]

Thank you for this book recommendation

[@jamieyoussef]

I am so angry

[@barbaramiranda1841]

Is there a book for the grieving and mourning

[@huntertsilva]

I really like Samuel, but don't they have any betrayed spouses that work for them and can do videos?

[@samshealingpodcast]

there are some videos.. please keep in mind not everyone, and not many actually, want to put their life and their face out there for all the world to see.

[@samshealingpodcast]

BUT i do appreciate you liking me so thank you for that. i'm sorry we don't have more betrayed's doing videos for you

[@cathysears6700]

Omg thank you!

[@mvd5659]

I'm stuck in the rumination phase. But it seems that not a week goes by that I do not find lascivious material or suspicious emails for accounts that were supposed to have been deleted. Then I'm right back in the rumination treadwheel. Can't go out together anymore because every place we stopped there is a trigger or there is a female of the type he said he preferred over me. Many times will be driving and they'll be someone jogging and he even loses where he is on the road so that he can continue to stare and then tells me that it's all in my head. How can the Betrayed spouse move forward if the perpetrator does not feel that his actions are hurtful or that they mean anything? It's gotten so bad that I went to his job To meet hi co-workers and then for us to go to lunch as planned. I did not even touch the door handle before he fussed at me to go in the door he was telling me to go in. When I looked inside what was on the other side of the door I was about to open was a group of women that are his preferred ethnic group. I shut my mouth and still followed him in as he started to berate me and tell me that I said something to those women as I walked passed them. Which I did not and they were quite a distance off from me. Then he changed the story that I could have said something to them. Then he said that I was an embarrassment in front of his co-workers. One of his co-workers asked "is this guy is this guy handful". I jokingly said yeah he should probably sit somewhere with his nose in the corner. We both laughed and continued to meet a few other people and then we left. He degraded me so bad that day that I don't know how to trust. This is been going on for 37 years and he's always made it my fault and my problem. If I would not have said anything to his coworker he would have told me I was rude. I went with the flow and joked with his coworker and that made me an embarrassment to everybody there. Mind you this is the guy that went around groping, pawing, massaging and touching women underneath their breasts and above their butt cheeks at work right in front of me. Unfortunately we worked at the same place for many years. And he calls me an embarrassment. And then he wants to know why I can't get over it because this happened about two and a half months ago. And since then as, I said I keep finding lascivious material and other indicators that he is back out there surfing the net looking for the next person. So yes I also have the knee-jerk reaction of leaving or staying. I know this is long but I wish someone would tell me where I can look for help. PS. He has taken me to two psychiatrist to get me help. And they told me it wasn't all my problem. So we went to marriage counseling. Then he said the doctor and I were both ganging up on him because the doctor did not agree with him on certain points.

[@Dubblesteel]

Do you have any information about grief and morning?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would read about the five stages of grief as that info is exceptional, keeping in mind though that it's not linear. you don't go in order in terms of grieving. it's all over the board. bargaining, depression, anger, etc, repeat repeat. the info though is great for sure. also, here are a few articles on it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/grieving-betrayal-after-infidelity www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-betrayal-grieving-the-loss www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/Samuel/grieving-for-what-was-lost

[@jessicakeener2028]

Calling it "stuck" is a judgement.

[@dennismendoza7020]

If you are watching this, to my partner, please help me to rebuild our relationship

[@ancientfern2693]

I forgave him and then he relapsed the next day. It feels like he spat in my face and went back to hiding behind his addiction. I do all of these things listed except have an affair. Im really in love this time and I don't want an affair. I also have so little confidence I doubt I could if I wanted to.

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi there. i would demand expert help my friend. sounds like he needs help asap.

[@cyrussolis3194]

Hi Sam, I need help. I betrayed my husband. He is willing to work on it. I wasn't before when I admitted but I think I want to give my all efforts to make it work. But now my husband has all these boundaries of limitations on my movements outside of home, limiting my social media exposure and other stuff. I am ready to do at this time but I don't know how I feel about those restrictions in future. I miss me. I am ambivalent.

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's normal to be ambivalent. that's totally understandable. at some level, if you want to give the marriage a shot, you're going to have to consider the boundaries and limitations. he's devastated and needs safety. without it, it's going to be tough for him to give you a chance.

[@mohdazezie1929]

Hello how to recover from betrayal 2019 overcome betrayal Now video

[@josephwright5140]

If it were just the affair, if it were just addiction to porn, i feel like both situations by themselves, it'd be easier to tackle. I know i need help, i feel i recreate d day every time i relapse. I want so badly to rid of this pain. She wants to leave me and all i can think to do is each out to seek therapy and the 12 steps program

[@samshealingpodcast]

here is a course that will help you in your own recovery: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing also, ask her to consider our ems weekend BEFORE she leaves you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend see if she is willing to do that.....then maybe we can talk and see about options. we can help if you're both willing to commit to the process and get help my friend.

[@alyazahra1813]

how to recover from betrayal

[@colleenhathaway8415]

At 7:26. Yep

[@jayalexander6798]

I had really high hopes for this video. Sadly, the title is extremely misleading. "A REASON - a cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event". This video does NOT talk about reasons, only WAYS. Big difference. Very disappointing. Only the fourth one is a reason. Failure to grief. The rest are by no means REASONS for being stuck in recovery.

[@lisadee0276]

Jay Alexander you are focusing on semantics. But he is absolutely right in providing common REASONS and/OR ways in which we get stuck in recovery - BECAUSE we continue to transmit our pain rather than transform it, which can show up in myriad WAYS-being abusive toward the Unfaithful, becoming bitter, etc.;BECAUSE or when we have an affair of our own, which can be due to trying to transfer our pain or to try to quell our own feelings of inadequacy, and can also be a WAY of getting stuck; BECAUSE or when we fail to grieve...etc. his insight is still relevant. We remain stuck WHEN or BECAUSE we do or do not do the things needed to heal. The behaviors he mentioned prevent us from processing or forgiving or accepting what has happened and moving forward in healing, maybe even reconciliation. So the term REASONS is accurate. They can also be ways.

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@lisadee0276 thank you Elle.

[@anuragshahi8798]

If your man is on his way out, there’s only one thing you can say to pull him back for good. @t

[@gertrudelisehahn2996]

anurag Shahi what?