Great Confusion and Anxiety in Relationships - Attachment Trauma

Hello. Thanks for checking out my KZbin channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Great Confusion and Anxiety in Relationships - Attachment Trauma
In this video, I talk about offering empathy to those of us who live in chronic relationship distress and anxiety and who feel compelled to track minute interactions between ourselves and their partner in hopes of getting attachment needs met.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Great Confusion and Anxiety in Relationships - Attachment Trauma

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@alouise3557]

You are magnificent. I'm sure you're aware many of us are actually sabotaging our relationships. It comes out through things like accusations during periods of insecurity, and can be considered that WE are mistreating OTHERS as a result of this condition. It's a fact. Thank you for helping us. Hopefully I can return the favor in a different way. I'm *betting* that if you shorten your pinned comment to just the very basic couple of sentences (keep in mind we are now conditioned by social media for instant gratification and quick information gathering) you'll get a lot more clicks on your website and more signups. Most do not have the mental wiring to slow down and read complete descriptions. As a marketing strategist and sales professional for over 20 years, I can tell you it's a fact that what you have is incredible content that's brilliant and "saleable." You might consider editing it to say something like, "You are suffering. I'll help you remove the doubts that might be sabotaging your relationships. Cost: The class is a Monthly fee of $xx, cancel any time. Go here, and by this time tomorrow, you'll be on your way to stop the cycle and better understand what's happening to you." Incidentally, I'm nearly 50 years old and I can honestly say you're a great teacher. In fact, you almost remind me of how a pastor addresses his audience. Well done, and thanks again.

[@75ENVY]

I agree , this guy is an angel 😇

[@elevenbyfive]

i cried watching this. thank you so much for making it. It is the first time i've heard anyone who really understands the depth of the pain this causes. It's the worst thing i've experienced. And to tell anyone that, would just sounds ridiculous. But this truly hurts more than any of the things in my life that sound objectively more harrowing and painful. Thank you for your compassion and understanding and hope.

[@agniem9698]

It gets better.. don't give up! look for answers in your past and learn from Alan.

[@elevenbyfive]

Agnie M Thank you. I will

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yes! I made this video for someone just like you. So glad you got it and that it resonates. Thanks for the comment.

[@ernestinemorrison2799]

I'm able to see my relationship with my sons' father and my sons relationship with someone he desperately wanted to be with. Whew, now I can breathe again. So much gratitude for having been guided to you Alan.

[@alentoalen]

It's funny, life is... I was 29, finally thinking I found the one. This georgeous, inetlligent and mature young woman, a 20 year old law student and a model. We fell in love. I tought I was in heaven. 6 months later I started feeling exactely as he descriped, sudden disconectedness and doubts... How can I figure out if this relationship is ok for me? Is the age gap a problem, what about children... The panic was so strong eventually my mind decided that we need to brake up but I didn't want to, I loved her and I was scared of lonely 30ies. Eventually I pushed her away to the point that she broke up with me. 3 months after I am still recovering and I want her back...even tough she might not be good fit for me at all. I will get better. Thank you Alan

[@roelofventer1729]

The "call you later" bit had me in tears. I hate that moment.

[@queenofhearts1138]

Roelof Venter ill call you later is extremely painful for me my person does this often and its a complete throw away it hurts me Alot

[@boooootch]

These videos are literally saving my life right now.

[@brookegazy2096]

Me too!!!!!

[@rebeccajones8628]

Alan is my new older brother who is so wise.

[@DaPoofDaPoofDaPoofDa]

I have an issue with the premise of totally leaving a relationship when theres a breakdown or your nervous system continually activates, only because my current relationship of 2 years has survived through that, has survived my anxious attachment behavior. I was really bad in the beginning. I had been through hell and high water with my partner; but because I practice self-care/self-love, cognitive therapy and light medication for anxiety and Depression, and I have matured a bit since, we are now better than ever. Not perfect. But there is a profound difference, to the point that he and I are able to laugh about those times. Just the other day I had a bit of insecurity come up, but nothing like before. I say this because if you deem the relationship as "worth it," that you actually have a good partner, thats it's not abusive or manipulative, then your own evolution will allow that relationship to work itself out. Work on yourself and it can work out, even when it seems too.

[@lianab284]

It's good to know that some people find good stable people who won't give up on you

[@JessieInTheSky09]

This happened with me and my partner as well. He was insecure attached and I was fearful avoidant. It’s exactly how you said, both people have to really want it, be honest about the behaviors, and create space for the ups and downs of the process of getting better together. It absolutely possible though

[@sofiapaladino5172]

All my partners have left me when I express insecurities and anxiety

[@quietvalerie1]

I'm going through this right now, dating for 4 months and he's the most empathetic and caring person I've been with but we're still navigating the anxiety. But I'm in therapy and focusing on self love as much as I can. Thank you for sharing your positive experience. I've often thought I was doomed to be alone and this gives me hope. Thank you.

[@mckenna9822]

Thank you for this. Felt very triggered around 23:00

[@sparklegush]

I feel this with all relationships, even minor friendships. Its made me avoid romantic connections because its too much. But I feel so sad.

[@sofiapaladino5172]

Same

[@00Blockhead00]

oh shit i feel you. man i feel so unmanly because of this

[@asj7732]

Sammmmeeeeeeee

[@AM-fj3tf]

Same

[@directorclarkmonroe]

I’m tired of sabotaging my relationships due to my anxiety 😥

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you.

[@angelatadros7829]

You have no idea what a positive impact you have had on my life. You literally help keep me alive. Thank you for the knowledge, your love, your care, your concern, your understanding, empathy and support. Please keep doing what your doing. You are saving people's lives.

[@elizabethwilfong7385]

Could have used this information, 40 years ago.

[@MA-un1mj]

Me too!

[@gaillewis5472]

Never forget that some partners pursued you solely for what they could get from you instead of looking for real life partners.

[@Nina-jc3be]

I struggle with this.

[@JupGem]

I won’t even consider dating someone seriously without knowing their attachment style. Nor will I consider dating someone who is uninterested in personal growth & cannot openly communicate. This is such important information, for everyone who does not want to be stuck in a wrong situation, with the wrong person.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for your reflections. Glad this video spoke to you. I think it's so important to talk about why we get stuck in certain relationship patterns. Sometimes we don't realize how our relating patterns repeat themselves and how they get in the way. This is the focus of the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@vendetta5x11]

I cannot fathom how every single word of this resonated.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Nice to hear that. Glad this deeply resonated. For more content like this you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@nuropsych1]

Amazing... Absolutely amazing.

[@alf8569]

you're saving my life!

[@penelopelambson9128]

This really becomes difficult and emotionally messy when both people have attachment trauma. One person feels ignored and can’t reach out to the other without triggering his or her feelings of “ not being enough/good enough”. The latter is rendered immobile, feeling old shame. The former is left without means to get his/her needs met and ends up soothing the other person. It’s like a cat chasing its own tail.

[@worldofcats9611]

That was us 😢

[@isacece1334]

OMG! THIS IS CRAZY how dead-on this video was how I was on my last relationship! Crazy!! I would wait at the window pacing waiting, looking for his truck, like a kid...having major anxiety while waiting then act cool when he'd finally show...wow

[@anastassiakarouta4325]

You just described my situation in detail. You understand finally someone understands. I just broke up from a 3 year relationship due to my anxious attachment. I felt rejected constantly. I feel releif and validated from this video. No one else understands, you explain it sooo clear. Thank you!!!!

[@jhumble7045]

I heard about love addiction at the start of this year and saw other videos about it. I knew straight away I could relate but over the months I stopped studying it. Mainly because I was in a relationship that you describe. I have never heard anyone like you before, its almost like your speaking my most inner feelings, thoughts and emotions but in a way not even i understood it. I am a guy who use discernment in life (except my detachment issues), I'm all about seeking out answers. The things you talk about is on another level, thank you for your obvious commitment and understanding.

[@tinathompson5613]

Alan, I swear you are inside my head! I can't tell you the degree of relief I feel when I listen to you. I've passed your name on to a few friends who are also struggling. Thank you...

[@kevincarlson2965]

Another great presentation. My worst anxiety comes in the very beginning of a forming relationship. Even the smallest of slights has me reeling thinking that this person no longer wants to be with me and has decided to move on. I over analyze and overthink almost every text, and everything that said between us. It’s extremely anxiety inducing. I’m going through it right now in fact. One day things seem OK, the next it feels like the sky is falling. One day it feels like things are feeling good, the next day it feels like there’s no way this person wants anything to do with me. It has me crawling out of my skin. The emotions are extreme, very uncomfortable, and non stop cycling. What you are describing is myself perfectly. My childhood was an abusive mess. It certainly seems I am digging up those same feelings over and over through other people and interactions. It feels like there is no hope to even keep doing this.

[@MA-un1mj]

It's comforting to have your videos explain the origins of my horrific pain. I'm less alone now.

[@anabeley83]

I know that having attachment trauma you go for people who are unable to give you live and empathy. But the guilt of it not working is so strong. I don't know if I'm to blame for their behavior.

[@checoesparza8879]

I'm going thru this as well, n tbh the anxiety is going to ruin us if it doesn't stop 23 years later

[@yasmaniaguiar8221]

I blamed my anxious attachment pattern as well at times. But there are so many factors and complexity involved in one single person that two people being together makes it more complex. So my advice is the same one I give myself, focus on the lessons you learned wrote it down and review once in a while and don't make the same mistakes again. I hope this is helpful even though it's two years later

[@stephaniekotz5528]

Thank you! I have felt "crazy" in my most recent relationship for going through the exact thought processes and feelings you have described here. My rational brain knew something was wrong, but that didn't prevent all of the heightened states of anxiety and panic. Thank you for the empathy and compassion and helping me see I'm not alone and that help might be possible.

[@whiskyngeets]

It's creepy how accurate this is. What a bizarre experience to discover this about yourself. This whole time that I thought I was just being incredibly loyal to all my partners, deluding myself into thinking that it was some conscious noble act, when really I was just too scared to leave a relationship that wasn't right. That's pretty deep. So grateful for these videos.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@danielelabelle]

Thank you. I too cried while watching this. It was like I was listening to myself describe it. My pattern is to suffer in silence. My adult self recognizing that where I am at is not in line with the situation but unable to stop the feelings of finality, abandonment and loss just after not receiving a phone call from a partner for example. I just started therapy and while at times I feel like maybe im just too broken to ever have a healthy relationship I'm glad I'm working on myself.

[@Starterwife100]

RenaissanceGirl Thank you, thank you, thank you. For most of my 48 years I’ve been searching for these answers. From the bottom of my heart...thank you.

[@JustBored589]

This is me.. only with certain people though. With all of my family and friends I'm fine but with my gf I'm like this. I don't know what to do, will I be like this with everyone I date? Or does it just depend on the personality? My gf is very flaky, says she will call but doesn't, says we will hang out but she doesn't show up, doesn't tell me about things going on with her unless I ask. It makes me very nervous. I do agree with that life or death feeling, I've had that so many times. I've felt like she chooses work over me or other people over me. I've tried to be more laid back and she tries to inform me better but I still have these freak outs. I have had to talk myself into being okay. It feel like it's so hard for things to work out with her and I like the universe is keeping us apart.

[@DarlaW]

Thank you, Alan. This was very healing. You've put into words the feelings and thoughts that I could never express. Logically, I've known that my emotions were out of sync with reality but I couldn't understand why. Naturally, this just reinforced my belief that there was something inherently and irreparably wrong with me. Now I get it and I don't feel so alone. Thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Your comment is inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad the video was helpful.

[@BonRain8734]

Alan, thank you so much. I've never heard a clearer or more accurate explanation of my own painful experience in close relationships. I've done "self growth stuff" for so long and repeatedly picked over the bones of my childhood in a very dysfunctional family. I know there's more growing to do, but this video showed me a light at the end of the tunnel. I so appreciate your offering of these videos.

[@rambonyankitty221]

I cried from this video because of how much I can relate to this. This is a burner account I used when I was younger, but I'm 26 and this speaks to me on so many levels. I've struggled with healthy relationships all my life due to family issues which led to my trauma, frequently abandoning others first just because of how intense this fear of abandonment is. Sometimes being in a relationship is more painful than not due to these reasons. Opening my heart feels painful. I try not to let these feelings overcome my daily and professional life - I'm an entrepreneur with a successful new business and starting a second one soon, so I've had to repress these feelings in order to function on a day to day level, but privately I find myself frequently struggling with these kinds of feelings and never sharing them. Thank you for making your channel.

[@RippleDrop.]

I feel you. Yes it's awful.

[@caedynevery8109]

This is my life. Wow.

[@candicemariebeadco]

Legit me, for so much of my life. Wow, it's like you're in my head and have been a fly on the wall throughout my life. I needed this today. Thank you.

[@drowsypanther]

You described me to a t with the first 20 minutes of this video. I have this style and had been in a relationship with a avoidant dismissive. It has been the most stressful year and a half I have ever experienced. We just ended our relationship because we both knew we are hurting each other. Now I have to pick up the pieces and try and learn from them. Thanks for the video, it’s nice to know there are other people that understand how painful this can be.

[@thomashutchinson4391]

FThank you! This flags the subtle wrongness that has flared up at times even in an „OK“ relationship. „Normal dinner on a Friday night“ is a great hook to hang this on.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome, glad to hear this video helped you identify some dynamics. Thanks for the feedback. I remember when we talked about red flags in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You may like to participate. If you're not familiar with the Community take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@marieanylis2353]

Most people don't understand the pain...But yes, it does feel like a life threathening situation.

[@LinYouToo]

OMG! Now I understand some of the behavioral patterns in my life. I have always thought there was something wrong with me but now I see where the opportunity to heal and grow is. And that I’m not alone. Most of all I see how the neglect and abandonment from childhood has shown up as an adult. Thank you so much for all you do.

[@DigiShaby]

I don't know if people are still reading this, but I'm in this extreme anxiety mode on and off now for about 2 months now, the time I moved together with my boyfriend. I'm 20, and he is 32, even though our ages didn't matter to us before, it's now an extreme trigger point for me, and I fear being groomed or manipulated by him - which is not happing objectively, and I know that, but it's still making me anxious. We're more than just our ages, and we were usually getting along so well. But now that I moved to his city, "left behind" my family and friends, I'm not sure if it all was "worth it". It's an extreme dark place to be in & I almost feel like loosing my mind about it. It finally wants to choose between staying or leaving, but I just can't. He's like everything I felt like I always wanted and needed. I love him so much, yet I feel so incredibly bad & he's suffering with me. I just hope it would end so it doesn't feel that bad anymore. But the thought of loosing him feels like dying to me. I feel so disconnected to him that I cry myself to sleep like every night we're falling asleep together, because it might be the last night we ever had.

[@katarzynadrozd6783]

Please take care of yourself first

[@twinflamefound]

These videos are spot on. I know all of these well, and I can see things objectively as it all plays out. I'm proud to say that because of this, it's not so traumatic as it used to be, but it's there. I'm with an anxious/avoidant. It's been HELL. After working with a psychologist, he made me realise I can't heal this but I need to not be involved with individuals that trigger these wounds. (noting that I work on myself constantly and always educate myself on this, so I can be more resiliant , and not rely on others for my state)

[@bearbear6705]

THANK YOU THANK YOU....Listening to this message IS CALMING to me. !!! Clarity!! Clarity !! My nervous system feels like a breakdown !! The anxiety rules and my emotionally detached husband has never broken a sweat in being concerned that I am not comfortable in this lonely marriage. !! 4 decades of it !! .Through this message I am seeing why Im so PROVOKED.. His omission, detached persona set my fight or flight into orbit..!!! I know now that it is my responsibility to heal. .I always wanted him to acknowledge my experiences...or hear them...or help me sort things out...or give me some closure. Its never ever gonna happen ...

[@bearbear6705]

Ohhh as I listen to the last half of this message I can SEE that im not that girl...with my hub. ! Because of the length of our relationship I have ZERO desire to see him. When I see him my nervous system can get worked up....

[@lpereira7866]

Omgosh….Alan, I just went through this exact thing….my experience was so intense….thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone! There’s much healing in those words, and thoughts.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts. Many of us can relate with this experience. If this video is helpful then you may also like being part of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@tiffanywilliams2863]

Out of all of the videos I have watched, this one punched me dead in the gut. I had no idea what I have been experiencing. I get it now. Thank you so much!!

[@rachelmurphy9679]

What an amazing world we’d have if all men were so emotionally intelligent, sensitive and considerate of others.

[@LauraLMcneil]

I’m not married now or dating, but i find these super helpful for understanding myself and others in any kind of relationship. Thank you for sharing. It’s really enlightening.

[@Mistrzdan]

I am going through my attachment fears and anxiety and this video keeps me on right track

[@plummage]

I’m so moved and impressed by how effectively you relay these concepts!!! Thank you for sharing these videos with us!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Paria, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If this information is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@annamaria9899]

I am so Lucky to finally not be confused and have the explanation around whats happening. Yes denial, interesting how strongly its rooted in us to deny our own body and reactions. Thank you and bless you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great insight. It's so interesting and saddening simultaneously how we learned to deny ourselves. This is so important to talk about and when others can relate we can learn so much. I wonder if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Thank you for the insightful comment and I'm glad the video is helpful. We continue finding clarity together. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@Girlonawhirl]

In everything I have experienced, heard, and been a part of in my healing journey, this is the single most profound information I have ever encountered. Thank you Alan

[@LaNereNere]

Exactly, you didn't left any feeling out. This is awesome! Thanks!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work and efforts. If this is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@BGivka]

This made me laugh, the phone conversation and thoughts underneath, I go through it often..

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this resonated for you. Thanks for commenting.

[@Oh_Puck]

Alan I just wanted to say thank you. I feel like this pointed out some of the triggers I have in myself and it helped so much to just hear it and have the small relief that its not just me.

[@checoesparza8879]

Your not alone Eddie, this started for me after 23 years marriage a long year breakup, where we both had other partners, she needed a place to live or leave state, we have kids but we are back together was drsinning n at times still is, but does love,loyalty over come this?

[@mellissiad7281]

I have stumbled upon your video teachings and have found them extremely helpful

[@Iam_Telesha]

I cannot believe how you described me to a T, without ever meeting me.

[@piuli1418]

Thank you Alan for your rare gift being able to put in words those feelings I have struggled with for 38 years In my destructive marriage. You are such a sweet and kind man and I didnt know such ones exist on this planet who can understand others feelings In this rare way. I just admire your insight of everything. Thanks for all your material you make for us.

[@dolphinliam888]

I've had this problem with my mother. When you wake up its appalling. You feel so lonely. Thank you for this video. It makes so much sense.

[@Paarthurnaxdova]

I just love you Alan! You have helped me understand my serious attachment trauma and that’s it’s ok to let go of something unhealthy. Thank you for all that you do!

[@carliejean1118]

Your videos are great. I've been watching them for a few weeks and I can honestly say they are the only thing that has helped me turn a corner after a break up 8 weeks ago. I hope to arrange a session with you in the near future. Is Skype an option as I'm in the UK. 😊

[@G4G3PLAYS]

Wow. You nailed it...

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

thanks for kind words

[@zenmaiden1]

I thought this related to hypersensitivity and over reaction, and also wondered what this was all about . I could relate to this totally. The example you give is exactly what happens.

[@bluaurora8635]

This is amazing and some of the most insightful stuff I have ever heard. Thank you immensely. You are doing amazing work brining all this to consciousness. Thank You.

[@suzi9411]

Thank you for your empathy. It is painful and exhausting.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

It is. You may also want to check out the relationship quiz. Thanks for the kind feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@ernestinemorrison2799]

This is an issue between my youngest son (40) and myself. Whenever we have a misunderstanding that makes me say huh?, what just happened? I feel uncomfortable and yes I'm afraid once again I'll be abandoned. Yes, no reconciling of differences and Alan has shed 💡 on exactly how our scenarios go. Smdh, another dysfunctional relationship with both of us needing Alan Robarge skills. However, he's my son and my oldest son has already disconnected emotionally and physically from me. Yes, it's excruciatingly painful and frightening. I'm going to play this video for my son and my support group of insecurely attached women. Thanks Alan for being the source we need. I'll be getting in touch with you about developing new skills

[@manuelamisiak6402]

Very clear and 100% how this re-enforce. Very helpful. For me however I am not calm when I am hooked about going somewhere together and It is not happening I freak out. I have an unproportional reaction. Yelling, screening, it is not easy. The painful reaction is there. Anger and it is not serving. It could be aggressive reaction. So managing that is not easy. And that what you say dealing with disappointment and sadness. I am so glad to discover your channel to process what is it and how to heal it. I am going join the facebook group for the healthy relationship tips. Can't wait. Thank you Master!!!

[@AKayC77]

I have seen this dynamic between my ex boyfriend and me. My ex had some unhealed trauma which I unfortunately triggered in him. Despite me trying to help him heal it just wasn’t possible. Thanks for confirming it was the truth that in fact, we were just incompatible despite his ‘love’ for me.

[@fairythegreenone7265]

The clear analysis and sound and sympathetic advice in this video, makes complete sense.Thank you, Alan.

[@VanessaRodriguez-ho7gy]

This video gave me such comfort during a hard time. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. Thank you for sharing this video is helpful and thank you for valuing my effort.

[@marieanylis2353]

I did manage to break up, but went through a very dark period afterwards. And it took me 6 months to break up and i am on month 4 of getting out. Even though i worked a lot on my attachment issue. Choosing the wrong partner... You are soooo right. My last partner didn't even want to discuss his childhood Because it would be too hurtfull for him.

[@dogodivaamorfati7190]

Mr. Robarge I cannot thank you enough this video is my life. It is so painful. I'm also dealing with severe grief from loosing my entire adult family in just 3yrs. Lost my younger sister just 4months ago. I am in a relationship like you described and the panic and stress is so painful. It has me questioning my sanity at times. No one has ever described how I felt until I saw this video. I wish I had the ability financially to have your help. But thank you for these videos so very much.

[@alexandraevans4779]

You’ve just described and explained everything that goes on in my head

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video resonates. I hear you. If this video is helpful then you may also like the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@noahcarl953]

I remember when my gf whose in the national guard left for 2 weeks to go to dc I got triggered in such a terrible way, I cried and cried, and when I finally saw her again I cried on her shoulder like a baby, my emotional response was WAY out of proportion to what was actually going on. Alot of what you said in this video hits home with how I feel sometimes.. thank you..

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@shiashiu6149]

Wow! This is an issue of mine and Ive never told anyone about it. You really understand it. It can get really dark, but doesn’t really make any sense in the moment...

[@ipdrozajp]

it would be interesting to hear your opinion on anxiously attached people in long distance relationships!! i fall into the category of anxious attachment now that me and my significant other are in a long distance relationship, but i used to be securely attached to him when he lived in town, now he lives in another country and i find myself going crazy everyday and it sucks.

[@michaelmcfadden2397]

This is me so often. Thank you for sharing this. I needed this!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Many of us can relate. Glad this video is helpful. I know when this came up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more by taking the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@najka1989]

I cannot emphasize how helpful this video is for me. I literally felt my high stress level drop down while watching this. I finally feel fully understood. I constantly struggle to discern whether I am overreacting or is this person breadcrumbing me and is not a good potential partner. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Katarzyna, it sounds like you are finding a sense of ground. Many of us struggle with overreacting especially when our attachment distress is triggered. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful and allowed you to slow down the stress response. Thank you for your comment. Also, please share this video with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep talking about relationships. Thanks again.

[@MoonChildMedia]

being single (and will be for the rest of my life) I wish you could talk a little more about other relationships like siblings, mother, daughter, etc.

[@jomartin6209]

So true. Just ended my relationship for not getting my needs met.

[@davidbarrero525]

Never felt so understood before. Thank you Doc, every video that I watch from you gives me those tools to keep moving forward!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for letting me know you feel understood after watching the videos. If this content is helpful then check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Good for you seeking out tools to help you get one step forward. Thanks for the comment.

[@MA-un1mj]

Total confusion, triggers, & panic. Just like he says. Its very kind that Alan has such empathy for us. I listen to him just for that reason. (My marriage was exhausting. Glad it's over, yet I fear losing my kid from the fallout. I appreciate Alan so much, he really "gets it").👍God bless

[@lavenderway]

A huge thank you for you, Alan! I watched this video many times. You literally described my feelings and that I chose a wrong partner. We dated for a year. I knew almost from the beginning that something was off in our relationship but kept going. We broke up yesterday. It is heavy on my heart even when I understand logically everything. it is getting scary if I ever can fix my attachment style, my trauma. I just want to be happy. I am so grateful for people like you who share their knowledge and experience. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Many of us have been there and can relate with these feelings around attachment trauma. Thank you for the kind words and for the feedback on this video. Glad my work brings you benefit. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@winkf1ma]

Your literally the best in this realm on KZbin. You should be way more popular...people need this info.

[@yasmaniaguiar8221]

So eye opening...wow makes a lo more sense, this helped me tremendously with my spiritual awakening journey thank you!!!!!

[@clairevickers8694]

I burst out crying watching this video! (The first half)

[@tadejsusta]

I found myself in the description, when you were explaining with the laundry night example, how a person tries to go out of his way just to get his needs met. I was (still am) doing the same. The difficult/sad part is, that I haven't been able to get pass these feelings :/

[@miketurany2082]

DUDE!!! you only had to say a few sentences and I was hooked on what you said so I subscribed to your channel which Im sure in the comming weeks and mounths I will glean the wisdom I desire. It's funny how the universe weaves it's way to your life if you pay attention and think about different perspectives in life. Last night I went to bed Asking for help In these particular problems that I see your channels devoted to and I wake up and your channel is there so my new friend if you're having a bad day week or month rest assured that you have made some old dude from Akron Ohio more happier in his life.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you like this content then you may also be interested in getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@andysmith5997]

In order to avoid these feelings I married someone I have no attraction to or feelings for. 20 years and 2 kids later we are getting divorced

[@yasmaniaguiar8221]

wow, I'm sory about that man, but congratulations for stepping up and being a strong man, a good example for your kids to not do the same, keep with it!

[@tendies9248]

@@yasmaniaguiar8221 he is a horrible example for the kids Hes teaching divorce is ok, marriage is supposed to be a bond and promise. He is teaching his kids to have dysfunctional relationships

[@PhthaloBloo]

I feel so dramatic, and crazy. You frame my experiences so well. My mother lost custody of me when I was 5 years old so as I start dating now I am seeing all of these attachment insecurities I had thought I'd dealt with come up. I feel so much and so intensely it can hurt a lot sometimes. So thank you for helping learn more about myself. I can breathe a little easier now.

[@rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid4488]

Like a crystal arrow of truth. Of unseen suffering.

[@tsebomahao4229]

This exact thing happened to me and I was in a constant state of anxiety for 2 months... It was excruciating. Eventually decided to end things and my nervous system feels like it's on holiday even though I'm heartbroken I'm at peace because I know I made the right decision

[@kaleidoscopegreen]

I did not expect her to read my mind vocally frozen in fear. 😥

[@tallytacm]

so helpful! i never understanded this so well. one of the best videos i''ve ever watched! i also cried watching this. so grateful for you and your work!

[@checoesparza8879]

Spot on

[@kvs7876]

Wow, this is 100% spot on especially the part about monitoring and needing reassurance

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this spoke to you. Thanks for valuing my work. To learn more about what drives these behaviors you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@nomz401]

This resonates soooooooo much its scary. Thank you for sharing. It goes a long long way

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Oh good to hear this deeply resonates for you. Glad this offers benefit. Thanks for valuing my work. If you connect with this content then you may also like joining in the conversations around it in the Community Program - Improve Your Relationships. Deep insights. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@minashah9933]

Thanks so much for describing my feelings so logically. I resonated with every detail. I never thought this was something which anyone else could understand or put into words. It’s so comforting watching this video - thanks for making it. I hope there is a way I can get over it?

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for sharing that this video is comforting and thank you for valuing my efforts. Glad my work speaks to you. If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@ms_lady_blueeyez]

and then some how i found your channel , thank you very much for helping me

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching. I'm glad you found this channel. You deserve to heal from your attachment wounds. Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. ​I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Do you fight and yell and demand attention? Do you withdraw, isolate, and keep others at “arm’s length”? Do you stand silent with “big eyes” and go inside yourself? Do you quickly smooth things over, cover up your hurt, and appear agreeable? When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@josephcronin2069]

This has been the video that I needed all these years, I finally knew what to look for. Thank you. Next step, healing.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work. This topics comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@missmuyoyo]

You are amazing at explaining this topic. I identify with this and feel heard. I look forward to watching more of your videos so I can understand my patterns better. Thank you so much and please never stop making these videos. I just went through a hard “break up” because of this issue.😢

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing my videos are helpful for you. Glad my work brings you benefit. These are the type of topics that come up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@rebecca_stone]

Balm for the soul, hearing you articulate this so heartfully, for those of us carrying this agony around in daily life. I want to offer an additional perspective, as a lifetime card-holding member of this particular distress club. In my case, in the past for me, this reaction dialled up into literally life-threatening extremes, because I had BPD. I'm a couple of years in remission (de-diagnosed) and I had to work extremely hard with these feelings - ongoing work - so hope this might help someone who's reading. Firstly, as Alan says in other videos, this terror is not necessarily about the person in front of us, it's an off-the-charts reaction to many many repeated experiences reinforcing an attachment wound. It's crucial to use some kind of technique (DBT skills for eg) to separate this trauma out from the present person. This is extremely hard to do in the moment that you're activated, but possible with practice. Second, you can make your partner aware (but not while you're activated! In a calm moment) of what your needs are around this. It will be unique to individuals for everyone but for me, it's very simple communication: ending a conversation or a message with "but we'll see each other on XX and I can't wait to connect", or - in my case with my partner, he would throw an extra little comment in, even if we were in a massive fight, that let me know he is still there. I don't want to invalidate Alan's important message about ending dysfunctional relationships. But at the same time, if you're experiencing this with a partner, you probably experience it in a range of contexts and with different people. It's our responsibility to face whatever trauma there is to build our own baseline level of security, so that we have maybe a half-full, or even a third-full bucket before going into any relationships. I think it's a disastrous recipe to project this level of ghastly terror onto a partner, or anyone else - even the "right" partner. I've come to realise that it's my job to tackle it and regulate it to a more reasonable level before checking in and asking for my needs to be met. An aware partner can certainly help, but I've destroyed many many relationships with my (at that time) frantic, unreasonable and frankly extremely burdensome expectation onto the other person to ensure that this fear will never, ever come up in the relationship. There's therapy you can do around secure attachment, individuating and building a sense of self and by taking on this confronting work you will do you yourself a massive favour as well as your loved ones. I'm currently coming up against this feeling right now as I write this, a six-day panic attack right now, due to a situation that I know is only 1/4 about the person involved, and the rest is a flag to me that I need to work harder to build my sense of self and needs. This nervous system reaction is out of control, an absolute horror show hard-wired into us. We can't expect someone else will be the sole solution to it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Glad this video sparked reflection for you.

[@francleighscarlett]

While I believe the foundation of my separation anxiety started when I was very young; I don't recall dealing with it until after the infidelity of my marriage. I immediately jumped into something straight afterwards, unfortunately with someone who was very emotionally unavailable. Since then I have stuggled with many of the classic signs. I dont want to continue these behaviors as it suffocates and pushes away people I care about. I appreciate the information you have in your video. 🙏

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You sound self-aware. Many of us can relate with these dynamics. Glad this video sparked reflection for you. If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@deelot1]

I am so glad you make these videos! Thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm so glad you watch them...lol. Thank you for the positive encouragement.

[@AnnaA-uc9ep]

Thank you! This all makes sense. I keep using some of the words you say and now it makes sense. Like "incongruence" and "confusion" and "intensity in the emotional reaction" and "it feels like you're imploding."

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad to hear this content delivered helpful words. Thank you for valuing my work.

[@hightidesmrforever2themoon449]

you are incredibly gifted!, thank you for all your help.