Emptiness and Living Invisible in Relationships

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@ericolsen9053]

Thank you so much, you are brilliant

[@ellanola6284]

Christ, I am in tears. This is all I ever wanted. I always thought I must be strange as i always want my conversations to be meaningful but other people(family included) are only interested in shallow, fun conversations. I have been always so desperately lonely & have never felt safe or like I belonged.Thank you.

[@nancyvega1785]

Ella Nola I understand, Ella. that loneliness is pretty difficult to overcome. I open myself up to people who are gutsy and vulnerable. I have always been the one that wants depth and they are avoidant. Hugs.

[@magnessko]

Me too. Who would thought that "small talk" is so crucial?

[@susanherring5136]

Ella Nola you are not alone.....Jesus love and understands like no other🙏❤

[@msmar3nez]

You just described my life, too. 'Not worth enquiring about.' Indeed.

[@coolwater644]

I grew up in a family where dad was alcoholic. I was the youngest and my brother and sister a lot older. I used to get plenty of the wrong attention and most times felt in the way. I was the only demonstrative empath in the family, with a big curiosity about life. I felt completely invisible. I thank God for healing and videos like this! I learned that being sensitive is a gift I have to manage. Hugs to all!

[@lydiamoolenaar7967]

Hits the nail on the head. Sad as a child. Sad as a wife. I married my mother. Smile

[@chrisharris2367]

Same

[@davidrife1999]

No need to smile..

[@jenb131]

My mother ignored me too: and I kept finding partners just like her as an adult

[@lydiamoolenaar7967]

Cannot get my spouse to agree to counseling but It's a daily struggle

[@becoming_real7385]

wow you sent chills down my spine ...

[@peacejoy8454]

The wasteland of non connection!!! “The emptiness never goes away, but what changes is your relationship to it. It will no longer frighten you and you will no longer chase people to be relationships or seek distractions to avoid the experience of emptiness.” I am working on it!!! ❤️

[@bandieboo8102]

April Lynn same here! Thanks for sharing...😊😘

[@paulagriffithpaulag2]

This is one of the most important videos ever recorded. Spiritual therapy.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Paula Griffith I feel the same way. He has incredible insight and ability to express himself with such heartfelt clarity.

[@jazgem1083]

We often develop rich inner worlds when we are left alone for hours on end with nothing to do. Feelings of emptiness and lonliness become a source of pain that we imagine will go away if we figure why it's there in the first place. Our inner world becomes a source of hope, as well as, the only safe place to exist. Since we have no other options, we continue to focus on the how/why/who's of our hurt and how we might get rid of it. Thus, leading to our a strong sense of self awareness, emotional awareness, imagination and creativity, from a much younger age than usual. Our inner existence tricks us into feeling as if the answer is just around the corner, allowing hope to fuel our existence and keeping us moving forward in life. The lie is, that our lonliness will be cured by companionship, or love and acceptance from our parents. I believe the real answer lies in discovering the false beliefs of what we were told, and lead to believe what love is. As well as, accepting and grieving the reality that our parents (probably) didn't love us. Our parents may have cared for us, or had an attachment to us, but they never knew us well enough to love us. How can you love someone you do not know, or are interested in knowing?

[@coveredinblue]

Beautiful response….

[@MelissaMisinco]

Exactly and when we start seeing our parents as relatives instead of mother and father it is more helpful to cope w that realization.

[@gentleeyes]

This is so much like my last relationship. My partner would constantly forget everything about my life, and I mean major things like big stories. Our time together was pretty much centered around his needs. He would never ask me where I was at. I don't think once. He would only say "is that okay?" sometimes. I realize now my parents never asked me about my day at school or anything. I never connected these things. I used to hide in the bathroom at school like I think another person said in this thread. These videos are very beneficial to me, you have no idea.

[@angryfirefly]

I experienced having a rich imagination even though it wasn't mirrored. The fact that it wasn't mirrored was due to I having one parent that was always at work. Being ignored leaves one with a lot of time to think. When no one is interrupting you, you can engage in all kinds of deep thought for what can go on for hours. It can lead to some very insightful epiphanies.

[@lianab284]

I feel you.. and now there is so much crap to deal with

[@candace116]

i😊😊

[@tommiller3017]

Bingo! I've spent my life mostly alone. I've never had a relationship in 65 years. When I did bring up issues, I got lines like, "Why do you have to make a big deal out of everything?" or "I can't deal with this right now."

[@lianab284]

:( I hope you have people that hear you and connect with you. How are you doing now?

[@rosel.7246]

Just realized that I have never been seen by anyone in my life.

[@krish.5823]

I feel you

[@lianab284]

How do people like us find one another in real life?

[@stephaniedescoteaux4759]

@@lianab284 We have cats?

[@lianab284]

@@stephaniedescoteaux4759 hahahaha hmmm I have 2 so maybe you're on to something

[@Derlet30]

So sad to hear this! But I would say that the solution starts with yourself. When you learn to see/hear/love yourself, others who want to do the same, start coming to you. But you need to start with yourself. Get to know yourself, have a relationship with yourself and cherish yourself. All else will flow from there ❤

[@RH-ul2bc]

Wow. I wish when I was younger to have had parents who were interested in hearing about my day. So I didn't even have the basic saran wrap as someone else mentioned below. People always commented on how quiet I was. Next to no dialogue at home so I didn't think of it as anything out of the ordinary back then. I grew up in a very rural area. I continue to feel blessed to have a grown up friend across the street who I spent time with. If I didnt have her, only God knows where I'd be today. These videos are both enlightening and deeply saddening.

[@debrasellitti3006]

Hi Alan, just in the last few days I found your videos. Your deep insight (from living it and hard work) and your uncanny ability to communicate SO CLEARLY what are confoundingly complex and difficult issues and with such heart as yours is truly a gift I want to thank you for. I will view more of your videos and check out your online group courses. And thank you again for the enlightenment you are sharing as no doubt you are turning on the light for many of us who have spent too much time in the wasteland.

[@stephaniedescoteaux4759]

I'm so glad you hsd that friend Rebecca.

[@pambrown5382]

'We wondered why you seemed sad' 'you used to be so smart' and 'You drink too much'. But they did nothing.

[@jenb131]

The forest was my friend. I was blunted due to being alone and no one talking to me

[@janbyres1099]

Every time I watch this video I gain new insights. My parents loved me and cared for, fed, clothed me, but they were not interested in my inner world. This was the 50s. I was adopted and am only now learning about the trauma loss and grief of being abandoned by my birth mother and adopted. My reactions to a lifetime of not belonging include deep anger and rage. In my last relationship my partner was never curious about my feelings, ideas, experiences - or anyone else's. He came from a childhood of loneliness and beatings, and not being understood, which he wouldn't talk about. At some point the cycles have to be broken. The learning from this video and your work Alan, can help us create a better way of relating and a better society. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@suemick8709]

Thank you so much for your wise counsel! Reading the comments below was both profoundly sad and totally relatable to my childhood. I have an expression, "I wasn't raised, I was housed and fed." I also feel great hope for myself and for those others who can relate, that by recognizing what happened we can start to heal and truly enjoy life. You are not the person that they told you were by their cruel words ,their inaction and lack of loving care. You are all so much more! Peace

[@peacejoy8454]

Sue Mick Yes....housed and fed nothing more!

[@ruthjones5557]

OMG I have never heard any therapist describe such a complicated issue with such ease. You have a gift for cutting through and bypassing all the medical jargon to enable a depth of understanding that resonates at the soul level. I’m a retired mental health nurse and have had the privilege of working with some highly skilled practitioners, but your gift 🎁 of communication is beyond anything I’ve experienced in my career. For the record, I grew up in one of those two dimensional families and I have a clear memory of being around 12-13 years old and feeling that loneliness, feeling like I didn’t exist even though I was living in a family with my siblings. This really is an excellent video. 👏🙏👏

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Ruth, thank you for your kind support of this material. I appreciate your feedback. Part of the healing process, as you already know, is learning new skills and practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@wawaheed1515]

Can't tell you how much clarity I got from this video. Thank you so much. Hurts like hell but necessary to heal.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm glad to hear this video offered some clarity. Thank you for watching.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Another observation: Recently I have been watching clips from the old tv series “ Gilmore Girls” with my daughter. Ive been impressed by the consistently good dialogue/ communication especially between Lorilei and her daughter Rory. There is very good feedback, curiosity, engagement, response support, encouragement and carry through with issues and information . Even though the dialogue is quippie, fast paced, campy at times, and there are a lot of glib one liners, the interesting thing is that there is always good follow up from others. A feeling of dialogue/emotional completion. It is a “tight”, attentive engagement. It makes watching and being part of it quite satisfying.

[@OregonSingles]

"This is the wasteland, this is where addiction comes in." 👏

[@linderlindest5373]

Astounding. I would like to add, that I always felt safe in my invisibility, even as a child literally feeling like the dark was a refuge from the rage and violence in the house. Now I have the challenge of transforming that and I feel like I'm doing it. Thank you Alan.

[@robertmartian]

you have just spoken my life in a way that no one has ever done before. I can't find the words to thank you enough for your work, it gives me hope that you've been able to offer this beautiful map into such a deep dark place. love and peace, robert

[@penelopelambson9128]

Robert Martian you’re not alone.

[@patriotgirl3163]

Penelope Lambson Amen

[@JELA78]

The wasteland....know it well. I dwell in it. I have come to terms with the childhood loneliness. I understand I picked a partner based on a two dimensional relationship because that was all knew with men. My true innermost feelings were to be always hidden, because they weren't truly important. I would rather be alone and be lonely than married and lonely. It's beyond overwhelming on every front. You hit the nail on every one of your videos. I started listening to them over a year ago. Every video I have listened to generally makes me ugly cry. Lol. Which can be healing. The fact that I'm not alone or crazy makes it easier. The wasteland is a perfect description of my life, from far back as I can recall to the present. Sometimes it's just too much. But thank you for giving it a name.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad to hear this video spoke to you. I hear you. Many of us can relate with this kind of loneliness and having to hide our feelings. This can be a painful space to be in. Thank you for letting me know the videos are so moving and helpful. These are good reflections. And thank you for valuing my work. If you like this content then you may also like getting in on the conversations around topics like this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@DanielleSamoneJohnson77]

Thank you so much for giving definition, for validating, for witnessing these facets of our secret invisibility. I've begun to accept it as a tenet of my life's composition. Rather than see the tendency to invisibility in my life as a difficulty, I am working on becoming visible where I prefer. I am, however, also working on using this tendency to my benefit. I find many times lately where being invisible serves my interests, like allowing toxic individuals to quietly bypass me. In addition, I like using my invisibility to be able to first observe others and determine if their manner of being is healthy for me to be around. Sometimes being invisible is a gift. When it isn't, I am learning to give value to my own witness as enough to validate my life and my experiences. In that right, I am highly visible through virtue of my own ability to see into me. This state is almost a invitation to explore self-I intimacy as my life's theme.

[@nancyvega1785]

Danielle Johnson I love your observations and wisdom. I learned from just reading you how invisibility can also be advantageously used. Hugs, awesome...you.

[@conradangel8602]

Thank you for this video. I’m crying in my bedroom after being left out of a get together that I organized. My husband and our two guests just ate dinner that I arranged with out me. I heard the clanking of dishes and walked out to the kitchen in disbelief that he didn’t even tell me they were eating. I’m so upset right now and listening to this video while being left out of the weekend I arranged.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

I wonder if he notices that you've moved out and are gone?

[@emilyknowlton8602]

Sorry for your pain. What you just described is a lack of respect.

[@raia9]

How awful - he must have lied to the guests I guess. Surely they would have asked after you? Did he tell them you where unwell or something? hope you told them you werent unwell when you emerged from the bedroom.

[@dreamsofturtles1828]

I relate to feeling invisible- when i was a freshman in high school i concocted a plan to run away and i used to wonder "how long it will take them to notice i'm gone? " But i will also say that i am GLAD they did not try to get to know me on a deeper level because it definitely would not have been safe to let either of my parents into my psyche.

[@terrywade3696]

Alan, you just described what it’s like for most married women/mothers in this world! We’re invisible! We’re only sought out for what someone else in our family needs. We “fill orders”. No wonder so many women feel they’ve lost their identity! We’ve allowed ourselves to be “the server”. We take care of everyone else & become invisible. No wonder we feel spent. Dissatisfied & unloved. My world came crashing down after 29 years of marriage when my husband decided to cheat. I’d tried forever to get him to connect with me in a meaningful way only to have him give the attention I craved to some whore who knew he was married! I was raised in a dysfunctional family where I was the “good child” who was trying to earn attention but was ignored because I wasn’t a problem. My mother was occasionally engaged with me but sporadically. This left me angry & confused because I didn’t know how to get my needs met. My father, who was more consistent, died when I was 16. He was my rock, my rudder & now he was gone. I’m now 67 & still trying to save my love starved marriage & wondering why I should bother. My husband was a neglected child who’s never been raised to be in touch with his feelings. He was rewarded for performance or invisible to his self centered parents. From a young age, he was left alone while they went out drinking. It’s no wonder he’s always been “emotionally constipated”. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves trying to recover from the infidelity for the last 2 years but we still can’t seem to connect. I long ago learned to let go of the expectations I had for my mother’s inattention. I became the mother to my daughter that I never had. We were really close until she discovered her father’s affair after her boyfriend had cheated on her! My husband had become very jealous of our close relationship & took it out on her & blamed her for the distance HE created with both of us. Now, everyone is damaged by his choices & I not only feel rejected but now I feel invisible to both of them! We’re all licking our wounds! My family has died off, my marriage is worse than ever & my daughter is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome because she moved out of state to be with her boyfriend, had a baby, discovered he was a narcissist, left him & came back home to the mess that is my marriage with a new grandchild! I’m devastated, overwhelmed & invisible!

[@peacejoy8454]

Terry Wade🙌🏽

[@enekervis]

This speaks to me

[@jeanetteoneil4562]

You are great Alan. Thank you. You speak the unspoken truth with which the lost child, the scapegoat, and the invisible child struggle through their life. We have to learn this so we can heal and learn to love and validate and reassure and encourage ourself.

[@peacejoy8454]

Jeanette O'Neil This!!!! ❤️

[@CanadianAndre]

Alan, you share in such a concise and profound manner so much that I've never had summarized so well during my thousand hours of therapy during the last 30 years. I've always thought that what I was seeking was a spiritual connection with an Other. Now I deeply understand, through listening to your words, that what I am seeking is that profound emotional connection with an Other. I remember someone saying that another way of saying intimacy is 'in to me see'. You elaborated on this SO well. I can't thank you enough for ALL your videos and lucid understandings.

[@samydj5400]

Same here!

[@evaschmidt7072]

Thank you Alan - I am so very grateful for your insights. I can relate to the invisible life and feeling "not worth knowing" as the foundation of my addictions. I can resonate so much with this topic - and it is incredibly painful. I am reminded in my feeling alone that it is also being "all-one" - maybe this existential pain and lonliness is what binds us beyond ourselves, making it a worthwhile experience.

[@lianab284]

And a terrifying one..lol

[@stephaniedescoteaux4759]

when I was 12, my psychologist was asking questions, bringing me to the realization that I had zero interaction and relating to my family. When I realized it, I lied and said I did something with my sister. My psychologist looked crestfallen that I had lied and not trusted her. But I could not bring myself to say... I was so sad and deeply ashamed. 37 years later, some sorrow is still left over.

[@tabithafletcher563]

This video just changed my life. Last week I was praying that God would show me what was under all my pain. I kept hitting close...lonely, unloved, etc...but not quite on the mark. Unheard. That’s the darkness that I felt and couldn’t put my finger on. Thank you so so much! May God bless you for this help you are giving.

[@sshuteandrew]

I was raised in a home where I was painfully invisible and emotionally neglected. My parents didn’t even ask about superficial topics growing up. There was only the bare minimum communication about logistic things or to be critical. They never knew me. I currently met a partner who seemed wonderful and attentive at first- I fell so hard for him, finally having love like I’ve never known. Six months into the relationship he had proven himself to a fearful avoidant who broke up with me. He will now only see me for one reason- so painful how someone can push you away and turn off all feelings.

[@rondae7121]

Stacey Swope I totally know what you mean. My upbringing was the same. In adult relationships, for some weird reason, we attract avoidants, psychos, narcissistic individuals. The recovery is not easy but doable and worth it. If we don't realize our worth and set boundaries that allow healing...we will be used by those who have their own issues, their own agendas..it isn't healthy and I hope that you stop allowing this person to take advantage of your feelings.

[@sshuteandrew]

The Mirror Smiles Back This guy started out being the most loving and attentive man I’ve ever known. Be wanted me by his side at all times and wanted to marry me, never felt this way before, the whole 9 yards. Then at the six month point he seem to hit an emotional brick wall -after we had a few conflicts. Ever since then he’s been shut down. And the way I was raised, I’m sure I hold on a lot longer than I should to try to chase that elusive love I’ve never had. My dad had zero relationship with me even though he lived in the same house and my mom‘s love was always conditional and performance-based. So I’m used to this. We’ve been seeing each other but only casually for the past 11 months, neither one of us has moved on with anyone else but he’s unwilling to get help for his issues. He’s very avoidance and depressed. Very sad. I’m at a loss

[@rondae7121]

Stacey Swope Take care of Self. I know I don't know every aspect of your life, his life and wouldn't dare guess. In my experience, I was in a similar scenario before I finally woke up and I started on my healing journey. Boundaries and No Contact work great, however, have to be enforced...in a healthy way. We can only change "self," We cannot make anyone else get help if they don't recognize they need it or they may recognize it, yet, not ready to deal with the situation. It's a long, hard journey. ..but so worth it. It sorts out who is really there for you and who really want to be in your life in a healthy way. Family, friends and other relationships take notice when you start realizing your worth and taking care of self. I wish you well

[@lianab284]

@@rondae7121 Could you maybe talk a little more about your journey? I am grieving again now and feel so alone. I am in the same situation, he made me feel he cared and then he didnt. I am only 20 and I'm scared of looking towards the long road ahead. I am also so exhausted..and it has only been a week.

[@deniserosser7080]

This hits home.....it hurts to hear this, but it's still good to hear how I feel inside....it's good in the sense that now I can put the info into prospective to understand that too that this is generational and was passed down through my parents and how they were probably feeling as I do......my mom had depression, dad, alcoholic.....never conversation to find true connection in questions ......couldn't "dig up" any questions to ask my own children......very sad....but I am learning and opening up to many new reasoning ways of trying to get to know myself.......my kids have pulled away from me because of the distance, and I don't blame them, but it hurts deeply, feeling they might be going through and what I might have caused....

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

All we can do is stay conscious in this moment and work with softening around the hurt. We continue to cultivate compassion. Thank you for your comment. Empathy to you on your healing journey.

[@deniserosser7080]

Nice.....Thank You for being your giving self......

[@angelamilne2054]

Denise Rosser You sound like a very sensitive caring person & THAT is very special & loving ....

[@marionmetayahschmidt6743]

It is never too late. Much Love to you ...

[@feelingoffbalance]

That was my experience from both of my parents. My mom literally didn't talk to me. My dad was a working alcoholic. My dad was the more engaged parent and actually dud spend time with me, in the way that he was capable of. I had that profound emptiness and I did develop a very rich internal world. I'm very reflective and thoughtful, I write poetry and music. I'm able to relate to people on a deep level. The craving to be seen is there. To be valued. To be known and loved.

[@feelingoffbalance]

I suppose I am now more at peace with my existential melancholy. It is softer and I can experience joy and curiosity about the world and other people.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for your reflections and comments. Taking inventory in this way is helpful. Many of us struggle with feeling profound emptiness so it isn't actually personal. It's universal. We can experience feeling understood by connecting with others who are also learning how to heal. If you like this content you may be interested in checking out the Improve Your Relationships Community. We take a Self-Directed Healing approach where you are encouraged to create your own healing plans. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@shechaiyah6869]

i WAS a foster kid deprived of all this understanding by the families I lived among. My foster family simply didn't have what I needed, they only focused on external events. This video OPENS UP that relating to the relating I always hoped for--which is not forthcoming even now in human interactions.. May I give you a :HUG:? You're a sweetheart.

[@annharrison4774]

I have this in social occasions too, I can be talking to someone, and another person comes along and interrupts, and I'm left thinking "I thought we were having a conversation " when they walk off. I get the impression they are not really interested and use it as an excuse to escape. I must be so boring!

[@peacejoy8454]

Ann Harrison yes!!! I can relate to this on so many levels!!

[@zaram131]

Same here!

[@tashilongthorp2295]

I have been aware of my existential loneliness since my late teens, but thought it was something unique to me, even though I found some books to read on it. I was not ready or capable then of really comprehending it, but the feeling has stayed with me all my life. I think that compassion develops from realizing that we all feel this loneliness, whether or not we realize it as such, and that, as you mentioned in another video I recently viewed, Alan, we are all "going to hell together." Or to expand on something else I've read recently, we may all be lost in the woods, but we are (or can be) lost in the woods together. Thank you, once again, for touching something real within me and helping me to understand my world in a larger, more realistic way. Emptiness is terrifying, but It helps to know we can be terrified together, and learn to lessen the pain of it.

[@queenofhearts1138]

Alan. I don't know if I'm capable of this work. I am in so much pain in the first 2 min of this video. Your ability to put my pain into words... all our pain... its healing its painful its powerful. The more I have learned myself, the more isolated I feel and unable to connect to most of the people ive known. I am absolutely unfulfilled in my social and familial relationships bc now I have come in to some new knowledge of self. I don't relate the same anymore, it hurts a lot. I have NEVER felt seen in my family. never.

[@peacejoy8454]

Queen ofHearts Sending you love & light! Every time I watch one of his videos I cry from my soul realizing what I never had, but I know this is part of the healing journey!! ❤️❤️❤️

[@lisaj5769]

Oh my god, your videos are amazing. You just totally described what i've been feeling my whole life so accurately!!! Good to know that I wasn't totally unreasonable or crazy for feeling like my parents never bothered to get to know me as a person. So great to have my experiences and feelings validated.

[@wilakt4fud]

Same feeling here. I'm listening on a very lonely birthday morning, and it's like a light has been switched on for me.

[@shanthimanickam1922]

I can’t thank you enough for your insightful explanation. I have been searching for answers everywhere for my loneliness. No one could understand me. I got the answer from you. Its so profound that I don’t have to really worry about the “wasteland “ in me anymore. Knowing its there doesn’t bother me anymore. Thank you

[@peacejoy8454]

shanthi manickam I can’t wait to get to that place! ❤️

[@annajones1871]

I love your videos Alan Robarge. You totally put into words how I'm feeling inside which helps me to understand it so much. I've gained a lot of clarity watching your videos in why I go for these surface level partners when all I want is a deep connection with somebody who wants to relate on the same level too. Thanks for all your help and wisdom!

[@Alex-io6ky]

Anna Jones it’s powerful to know how to find a powerful deep connection in partnership ...i didn’t know how shallow i was till this last few week since a deep mind partner let me finally go and i had to search out why she left

[@lianab284]

@@Alex-io6ky how have you been working on yourself?

[@cyberbrujx]

omg this is so profound. I have been making immersive art I don't understand and simply describing it as "inner worlds" for years. having grown up neglected, lonely, and now at nearly 40 and single struggling to come to terms with this intense emptiness and longing inside me. with nobody asking me these questions, nobody curious to know me I have instinctively made art hoping to share myself. amazing. thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

glad this video spoke to you. Empathy to you on this history of not being seen. Many of us can relate with this struggle to be known. Fascinating you found art as a medium to create connection with others. It is so important we are talking about this intense emptiness and bringing awareness. Also, if you haven't already heard about it, but based on your comment you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community We can find comfort knowing we aren't alone in the emptiness. It isn't personal. It's universal. You're welcome to join us as a member. Thanks for your comment.

[@penelopelambson9128]

I listen to this video often. Each time I hear something new.

[@leisagoldsworthy4338]

Yes, I grew up with that. I am healing that. I do disagree in that the ongoing emptiness stays there and that only our perception of it changes. I believe a spiritual awareness of a loving energy that created the world and us, is within us if we can only recognize this. You might call it imagination, I call it a deep profound love and appreciation of self and that the creator is love energy already within us. I believe connection with this heals us and we can start to recognize that we deserve people in our lives who can relate on these deep levels so we feel connected when in relationships. Thank you for your videos. I really like your attention to detail; your commitment to explaining clearly how it feels to be experiencing each subject in your videos. In essence, you are validating our experiences.

[@habibaduval9988]

So insightful and eloquent. You just descibed my entire childhood. Your articulation just momentarily filled the void, so astute

[@penelopelambson9128]

Alan, for me, this is the most valuable, soul resonating video I’ve ever heard. How you have defined and explained this topic of being heard ( or not) is nothing short of brilliant and remarkable. Your insights are truly a gift of inspiration. . Thank you so much for sharing.

[@mzminamina]

preaching to the choir! 64yo just ending a 13 year relationship with a man with NMA recently diagnosed. like reliving mommy dearest moments deep grieving. your videos are helping gain my sanity back cause i went nuts! being invisible untouched no interaction stress and fibromylagia flares. i begged pleaded for help intimacy, the more i needed the more he retreated, thankfully he abandoned the marriage as i probably would of kept shifting adapting and denying myself basic human interaction. so major triggers abound in now the abandonment tusanami of pain!

[@elizardw4900]

This is significant philosophy, Mr. Robarge, of which I am immensely grateful and relieved to have found. Thank you.

[@wingsly]

A very thoughtful and in depth analysis of the making of a person who ends up feeling and possibly being invisible in the family system and other social spheres. I needed to hear this for decades! Thank you for sharing this with us.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

So glad to hear that the words resonate with you. I appreciate the feedback. Best to you.

[@Vangela1]

Omg I’ve been in the wasteland for so many years 🥺 I don’t know how to thank you for letting me know I’m not crazy and there wasn’t anything wrong with what I wanted.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. Many of us have traveled the wasteland as well. Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for letting me know it is helpful. This is also a topic that comes up in the Improve Your Relationships Community. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@tullysoulliere8103]

Thank you so much for this vid ! i feel all of this ,made me cry .Now i know why my mind loves stories and why a am creative. I feel alone and invisible most of the time, i think sometimes that i have made friends with that alone self but i always feel abandoned to some degree . I have always had relationships with emotionaly unavailble people, thankfully i have been blessed with some awesome friends.Thank you so much for this vid.

[@Lisarata]

I would have loved to talk to my folks the way that is described here, where we delve into each others' experience and care.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yes, I can understand the desire to want to be direct and open with parents and explore family dynamics. Thanks for the comment.

[@stephen6739]

This sums up the main realization for me from this video. Alan your videos are exceptional, so thank you for being so willing to publicly explore these in depth topics in such an approachable way. This video really hit " home " for me and I have now been realising that to adapt to constant psych trauma along with the odd physical trauma and sickness I only ever learnt to disassociate.

[@user-wj3yr7xr2f]

It could have been me writing that text, i know exaktly what you meen.

[@hodadog2]

Lisa Colorado My mother laughed at me when as a child when I would request these discussions. The inner self was never a priority.

[@christianone6611]

Wow! You just NAIL it. You find words for the wordless that actually fit and explain imoossible things so well. Very validating. Lovely.

[@stephanie_smith]

Thank you Alan for this very introspective take on childhood loneliness and it's affects on relationships as we grow up and grow older. I just recently started understanding what I had endured within my childhood family unit and the impact it has had on many areas of my life. The video spoke of things I have just now started to verbalize to a few of the people I most trust with whom want to go to the deeper places with me...an inner emotional world. Neglect and loneliness are really hurtful aspects to be vulnerable enough to explore and speak about to another person.

[@deelot1]

Thank you for making these videos

[@susan-sn7jg]

WOW! The best video ever. I have wondered for 50 yrs. about this. I'm very greatful and welcome a healing process. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Susan, you are not alone. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@emarekica]

Oh. My. God. You said it ALL. I've been searching for the answers my whole life. Finally, everything is clear to me. You have no idea what this means to so many of us. It is literally lifesaving. THANK YOU SO MUCH for explaining all of this.

[@daniEllaSforza]

You are such an eloquent illustrator of so many of my realities. Why is it that one person in the family plays the role of the invisible? How is it that we are chosen to be the rejected invisible? And that everyone in the family are cohorts in the hurt? Thank you Alan for excellent portraits of so many

[@CaToRi-]

dani S. - I think is because most people are shallow and/or non smart so they don’t like and don’t know how to have a deep meaningful conversation. Other people doesn’t like to connect with others because they are hiding, don’t want people to see how they really are

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

@@CaToRi- not shallow and un-smart...shallow and have no empathy, no soul. Just hollow zombies. Nothing but empty inside where a heart should beat.

[@chrisharris2367]

Yup and selfishness Some are too selfish to delve into the inner world even if that’s of their own child’s

[@NiviKuruvillaWord]

God Bless You.

[@Scotts865]

I can relate with what you are saying. Great video to explain attachment trauma from childhood.

[@pipwhitefeather5768]

Thank you so much Alan. This has finally clarified a long search for 'what's wrong with me?' I've got close before but this explanation was so clear and well delivered. Thank you so much for all your videos, so many people can now better help themselves thanks to you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Feathers, I am glad this material resonate with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@penelopelambson9128]

This video triggers such a profound awareness of what is missing and the deep, soul longing that exists as a result. Your words “ we feel we are not worth being known” really hit me. That is precisely the vague, subliminal messages that shallow, “events focused” relationships/communications with significant people in our lives deliver. After listening to many of your excellent videos I see how emotionally unavailable people are more comfortable with surface interactions. I’d like to know how one moves beyond that comfort zone. Is the deeper inner world level of relating really possible for anyone?

[@peacejoy8454]

Penelope Lambson I always thought something was wrong with me because I always yearned for deeper emotional connections for family & friends. I had to grieve the loss and it was so heart wrenching!!

[@tiadobi6932]

Thank you Alan. Describes perfectly what I call "Saran Wrap" relating (which is actually non-relating). I have a saying, "As deep as Saran Wrap". 100% of my living blood relatives (family of origin, extended, etc.) don't have any contact with me, don't want to know me. Sometimes I think I am the poster child for Family Amputation. (100% no contact, really? #Insane) Isolation has been a major problem for me my entire life.

[@daniEllaSforza]

You aren't alone Tia. ❣❣

[@tommiller3017]

Thank you for this. I resonated with the emptiness and inner world.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the comment Tom. I'm glad the video resonates with you. Often times our emptiness is a private experience. I'm glad we can acknowledge it here. Also FYI, we have some great, supportive conversations in the membership community I created called Improve Your Relationships. Are you familiar with the on-going, 8-week program and weekly discussion topics? Please learn more and check out joining us. I welcome you joining. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register

[@sebastianhelm1718]

brilliant insight, I would chose you as my therapist

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind words and faith in my skills. It's nice to receive the compliment. I'm glad this video resonates for you and provides value. We have some great, supportive conversations in the membership community. Please check out joining us: alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register

[@oambitiousone7100]

From a mature mind, I’m not gonna lose my mind about it. Easy for you to say Alan.

[@kellybethmcmahon9761]

Thank you for helping me understand, and lift the weight of invisibility…

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this was helpful for you. Thanks for your feedback. Please also share this video with friends who may benefit. Help me spread the word.

[@davepenn9181]

This video has been such a pivotal piece of my understanding of my early life and how its residue has affected my adult life. So helpful. Thank you, Alan.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Nice to hear this content was so helpful for you. Glad this video resonated. Thanks for the feedback and for valuing my work. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.

[@SunflowerGodess0420]

That's the issue i have now..feel like it's not possible for me to have a real connection with people. I was ignored and now that's pretty much what i get from men. Idk how to change it..All i know is I refuse to let my children go through the same shit. I don't feel close to anyone in my life. Thank you

[@lianab284]

You are not alone in this. I am also pretty lost at the moment. And grieving the loss of anyone who mattered in my life all at once.

[@CoachDeBora]

Imagine being a three-dimensional woman in relationship with a two-dimensional man. Been there, done that. No fun.

[@lindsaydusenberry2187]

Ive never actually felt validated or understood until I found your videos. They touch on the exact things i feel and experience daily to the T, and put words to things ive never been able to articulate or fully understand myself. I feel a little more ..human? For once in my life.

[@peacejoy8454]

Lindsay Dusenberry I agree 100%!! Thank you got sharing!!! ❤️

[@angelalorenz218]

Hi Alan I'm grateful for your engagement and your capacity to explain these complex issues. Besides the fact that it is hard stuff and from a practical standpoint, you pushed my analytical work far forward! Warm greetings from France

[@norabatty1916]

Thankyou you have given me understanding where those feelings come from ie the wasteland.

[@DarlaW]

Wow! This was awesome. I had some major light bulb moments as I watched this. Thank you!

[@SelfLoveU]

Beautifully articulated, enlightening and engrossing. Thank you!

[@oambitiousone7100]

This video is solving foundation issues in my lifetime. I’ve been depressed and suicidal my whole life. I sought an affair where I felt seen but that ended and I was plunged into despair. It’s because I don’t feel seen or known

[@debee08]

Thanks Alan, once again your clarity and non judgemental explanation of attachment wounding in relationship is spot on. I've gained more healing and guidance from this, your description of 'The hungry ghost'.

[@orangeslicemoon]

I am so thankful for every video you create. You make me feel validated and it’s so empowering to understand myself so much more

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind words. Glad to hear this was validating. Thanks for valuing my work.

[@nabiharais]

This is so profound!! Please keep it up and you are helping so many to figure out the reason of their suffering and how to break the pattern and live better!! Thank you 🙏🏻

[@jopeedosib]

O my, I don't think my parents have that inner world and certainly weren't interested in mine. I feel invisible all my life, I always think that people don't know who I am although I have seen them a lot. Like if I don't leave a footprint on the world.

[@worldofcats9611]

This guy knows us from the inside…. I would call him a real Guru.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Brilliant content. I have come to believe that the existential emptiness is there for a purpose. It drives us to fill it/ complete ourselves with acts of creativity , spiritual practices, humanitarian action. It responds to growth of the spirit.

[@vikkipollard2638]

Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You are most welcome Vikki. I am glad this material resonates.

[@Hello_Gorgeous]

This came up on my feed at the most perfect timing. I never felt so understood.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm glad to hear that you felt understood. Thanks for letting me know my video was helpful. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@dougr.2398]

I grew up in the 1950’s .... or tried to.... can we say “now-Victorian”? As in “children should be seen and not heard” (as said by my father)

[@lianab284]

Do you feel okay now?

[@timothyVowens]

11:29 "to not have a parent inquire and ask about your inner world experience"....it sends the message to the child, 'you're not worth knowing' ".......BINGO!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Tim, yes, these are painful messages. Good for you for allowing awareness. We explore these ideas in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@Brenda-uf8pk]

As hurtful the pain is the video has also given me a lot of relief ❤️

[@jennmemphis]

This was my marriage; surface talk, socializing, rare emotional connection. i was desperate for him to give me an inside look into his heart but he never would. to put it very simple, it hurt. it created resentment. it ended in a painful divorce where i died inside. he moved on immediately with 1, then the next.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. These can be challenging dynamics. Many of us have been there.

[@jennmemphis]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Alan, I can't thank you enough for your content. It has saved me many times. You are gifted with the right words and tone to do this difficult work. Big hugs. 🫶🏼

[@oambitiousone7100]

He is probably just as superficial with them as with you. Does that prospect make it land differently?

[@50-Stylez]

I just realised its a blessing . Thanks coach

[@julieannmarie5338]

Alan, thank you for this video. You are the first soul who spoke directly to this metastisising emptiness. It is very, very real and life draining. No one in all of my decades of life listened or cared to know me. I cannot blame anymore. I can only learn how to be kind to myself and to others. But it is in being understood, like you have so generously shared with us, that brings hope to my very abysmally wounded heart and soul. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I tap into empathy reading your comment. Sounds painful. Glad this video was of benefit for you. Thanks for valuing my work and efforts.

[@samydj5400]

Brilliant video! Thank you so much!

[@mollyb1983]

Amen to this video and to Alan Robarge for hitting the nose on the head.

[@AlexChannel113]

one word: PROFOUND!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad you connect with this content. Thanks for the feedback. Please also share this video with friends who may benefit. Help me spread the word.

[@grabyourmail]

Wow! That was such a beautiful trip of the internal landscape we can share with those around us to be able to feel seen. You changed my life today sir. 01/08/2021

[@kareemmohammed5270]

cuts to the core! resonate, you have a great skill explaining this stuff.

[@yvancharest9460]

I have seen many video about toxic people. narcissist.... they make us see and being able to reconise those bad people and this is a really good thing. But Alan you show us the way and the path to the healing process. You are a great teacher.

[@abitofeve6544]

I have attachment trauma and currently going throug breakup. I found this channel and it helps me so much. I agree with what has beed commented below - that this is one of the most important videos ever recorded. I sensed this sadness land all my life - now i understand it. Knowing is not much easier but better.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I see the video sparked some reflections for you. Empathy to you as you process the breakup. Thank you for letting me know this content is helpful for you. Grief is one of the topics we talk about in the online community, Improve Your Relationships. Getting support from others who are also learning healing skills is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@cristinakaminski8998]

In my family issues are never discussed fully. My dad wants nothing to do with it my mom will listen but with her though5s and opinions spoken without permission. My sister wants everything to be pollyanna’ish. It’s insanity. Whenever I want to bring things up (mostly family dynamics) to discuss I’m told that I should deal with it myself, and that I’m the problem. Needless to say I’ve always felt unheard and that I don’t belong. I’ve marked myself as the “ black sheep”. Thank goodness I have a long time friend who listens without judgement and provides some relief. But, the loneliness is still there.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. It's so hard when it feels like we're speaking two different languages with family. Good you have a supportive friend who can hear you. Glad you connected with this video. So important to keep talking about what roles and rules we learned in family growing up and how they show up in our adult relationships. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community These are the type of topics we explore and discuss in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.

[@vtbhoward]

The feelings of being empty or invisible may forever creep up time after time, but the actual space can be filled in healthy ways, from my experience..... The emotional flashbacks may be an ongoing life struggle, but there are healthy ways to process them.... Voids aren't forever, the memory of them can be managed, and rewired..... The haunting can be stopped, though the memory of having gone through emotional neglect may resurface.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the meaningful comment and for sharing your experience.

[@kstar313]

Excellent! This really makes sense and gives real guidance. Thank you!

[@seekingthequestion]

This is really incredible. Thank you for offering so much wisdom to the world Alan.

[@lc3487]

Some parents don’t even want to know the external events

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Family dynamics are difficult and challenging to navigate, and this includes parental relationships. These are the types of things we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community