All the lies my eating disorder told me

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Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or psychologist. These videos were created purely to share advice from my own experience as a survivor and eating disorder recovery coach and to encourage eating disorder sufferers to discuss their struggle openly.

[@pheobem7958]

When gaining weight in recovery and feeling that I wasn’t thin enough, I told myself “I’d rather be medically safe and dislike the way I look than medically unsafe and still dislike the way I look”

[@bimbozos]

i really needed to see this today. thank you for commenting ❤️

[@pheobem7958]

@@bimbozos Sending you so much love 💖 you WILL feel okay again. I promise you. I don’t know your circumstances but I do know how painful and conflicted Ed recovery feels. If you wanted a good book that’s not too heavy, you could try reading Megan Jayne crabbes book. My therapist recommended it for me and it’s a really useful tool to have and dip in and out of xxxx

[@hollymorton354]

this is a statement found really hard to accept in my own early days of recovery, but one I'm definitely working towards and am nearly achieving, ty for reinforcing this

[@allisonlacey9964]

Mine is always “ I would rather be thin and ugly rather than huge and ugly”

[@pheobem7958]

In recovery, I flipped this and told myself “I’d rather be medically safe and dislike the way I look than medically unsafe and still dislike the way I look”

[@ankitamandal18]

@@pheobem7958 thats a really nice perspective...thank u

[@pheobem7958]

@@ankitamandal18 it won’t be a miracle cure but having little mantras that I told myself again and again to counteract Ed thoughts helped me massively in the long run. Sending you lots of love xxx

[@emiliaheiselberg]

Honestly this is all so scarily true. A big one for me is always that whenever I get a slight bit of motivation to recover fully, I reach a point where my brain goes "why the fuck did we agree to this again?? like do you honestly think that anyone will ever love you or acknowledge you if you aren't skinny and beautiful and look like a runway model??" And then I throw months of recovery away for another relapse. Fucking exhausting..

[@eleonorasassi3989]

Thoughts of restriction and rules definitly come back to me when I'm stressed. When I don't feel in control of what's happening around me, I instantly feel drawn towards trying to control my food. I've been improving so much these last months... And now we're stuck in qurantine again and I feel frustrated and don't Know what to do with my time when I'm Not studying or I can't drag myself to study...and my mind automatically went "well it's the perfect occasion to finally lose some weight". It's like I'm two completely different people at once. I want to learn intutive eating, but I feel guilty for eating four cookies at breakfast. I would never judge anyone for the way they look, but I body check regularly. It breaks my heart when people I care about think they need to Lose weight, and yet I feel euphoric everytime the number on the scale ever so slightly decreases. I've fallen in love wotht how yoga makes me feel, and love seeing myself getting stronger and more flexible. Yet I still find myself wondering how many calories a day I'm burning with the practice. I try to act almost as if the rational part of me was a sort of mentor to the disordered eating one, a compassionate and understanding guide... It helps. I also try to be aware of where the thoughts are coming from and to rimind myself they are not a worthy coping mechanism. I'm managing, but it requires a continuos effort. I'm proud of myself of how far I've come, but I still feel disappointend and bitter that feelings I thought I was over have come back.

[@maryjanekeenan5189]

Hey, I can relate the the stress part so well. My job is changing and the job I just finished was the worst place I’d ever worked and I was worrying about finances and had a colonoscopy so I had a lot of stressors at once and for the first time in 5 month my older coping mechanisms tried to return. I realised I had to be vigilant as it was a sadness and coping mechanism that came with its own rules. As if I was on a level of earth below or above reality. What helped me was thinking “okay I have more learning to do, and just like I’ve healed up to this point from an extreme point all on my own, then I have faith that time will show me the lessons, thoughts and feelings I need for this hurdle”. I kinda had to be like okay I am going to Krispy Kreme and I didn’t hate this place last week before my small break down, and nothing but my perception has changed today, so that must actually mean the last 5 month are real, and so this is only a glitch in my mind and feelings induced by stress. There was no need for me to be so worried and guilty and shameful and upset towards myself when what was actually hurting me was all I started this comment with. It becomes easier but aim to remember stress will happen in life and you need a contingency plan for those times. I didn’t go to the gym, I did eat what I wasn’t craving, I did comfort eat and I did take a few days off work because we have to live with this forever. The chance it may rise again is real so learn to do nothing instead of something and it helps. Good luck x

[@eleonorasassi3989]

@@maryjanekeenan5189 I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time! But I have no doubt from what you've just told me that you're a strong and intelligent person and you will get through this💪 I think of resilience as something that can be built up with time, patience and effort and yes, being prepared and aware that stressful times will come and go and that they may be triggering really helps. For me the most important thing is always self awareness: really thinking about what I'm feeling and telling what my instinct tells me to do in the short term from what I actually need to do in order to take care fo myself long term. Good luck yo you too, lots of Love!

[@alexandrad5306]

So many lies....sooooo many lies. It’s like you’re in my brain

[@FleurDeCersier]

I used to convince myself that once I'm thin I'm gonna be happy. Spoiler: didn't happen. In fact, this summer I was the skinniest I've been in a few years due to depression and anxiety and despite my low weight I was the most miserable I've ever been.

[@onepartyroule]

2 of the big ones i had with my bulimia was 1) i'm in control 2) i'll get away with it (meaning i wont have to deal with any of the adverse effects i'd read about connected to what i was doing). Neither of those turned out to be true.

[@maryjanekeenan5189]

For anyone with binge eating or purging etc read brain over binge for some perspective. Corners can be turned with this information ! 🙏

[@eforester8891]

Yes yes yes....and Dr Amy Johnson is also amazing for people wanting to recover.

[@anjhap]

This Is a fantastic resource for me and some of the strongest feelings I feel. ESPECIALLY the idea that walking down a path of suffering doesn’t have a light at the end of that tunnel. In society we are taught to believe that struggling now means MORE happiness later. Delayed rewards. I’m at this point in my life where if something can’t make me happy somehow TODAY, it’s not real. It’s just a way Of disordered thinking. At that gets rid of a lot of suffering. Like waiting around in relationships, harmful situations, even toxic teachers, classes, etc. it all comes from the belief that if I suffer now I’ll be rewarded for it later in some fantastical epic way. If it’s too good to be true it probably is. Lol.

[@kittyoppliger5309]

I was super anxious about getting a COVID test because I thought it would feel like getting an NG tube and trigger an anxiety attack

[@MusikGirl23]

I’ve had exactly the same thoughts. So far I haven’t had to have one thankfully...

[@lauraramosdelgado]

"I'll be happy when" it's a big one! Thank you for sharing this information. You have been a huge part of my journey to freedom around food and my body. Uncomfortable? ABSOLUTELY. Worth it? 100%.

[@kateduggan2827]

thank you so much for talking about the eating disorder nostalgia, I feel incredibly guilty for experiencing the nostalgia and it’s helpful to remember the truth of the disorder

[@Cessie93]

I've always wanted to be able to recover and then share my story in the hope of helping others, but right now my ED keeps telling me that I've never been sick enough for anyone to care, and no one would be interested in my story. I'm diagnosed with atypical anorexia and have never been severely underweight, and my ED keeps telling me that my story isn't worth sharing, and that no one will find it helpful or relate to it. It's so hard, because that's really a reason I would want to recover, to help others, but according to my ED my story isn't "good enough". I can also relate to the not having anything physically wrong with me, and therefore not feeling that I need to recover. I have never even lost my period, so there's absolutely nothing wrong with me physically. But then again when I was in IP they were very careful with discharging me and making sure I moved straight to PHP on a Monday morning instead of being sent home for the weekend, because they thought I was such a suicide risk.

[@erell2167]

hey! I don't know if you'll ever see my message but I just wanted to tell you that you deserve to recover, you deserve to be heard, do never forget that! You must be a terrific and superb human being. YOU are good enough for anyone to care! You are gonna recover, you're gonna feel better! I'm sending you all my love, please take care

[@domoast]

"I won't have any negative body impacts." Even after bulimia took one of my teeth I still put blinders on and did all the mental gymnastics to say my ED didn't do it. My dental health was *rapidly* declining and it wasn't until I was recovered that I really, truly saw how much my purging affected my teeth. Like the downward trend of dental health pretty much stopped entirely when the purging stopped. I also consider myself lucky, part because it's one of my back teeth so no one sees. But also, in a "find the silver lining" mentality, it serves as a tangible reminder of how dangerous my ED was and how much more it could have taken.

[@berylb133]

Thank you for this Mia! Even after 2+ years in recovery I still sometimes get manipulated by my ED. It can be very seductive in stressful times, even though it only amplifies the stress 100-fold. Sooo deceitful :/

[@saydi971]

Has anyone else ever actually felt happy/confident when they got to a certain weight because I always hear people say that it never happens, but in my experience I did feel the most happiness and confidence in my whole life and I'm not saying this to glorify/promote EDs but I just wanted to know if anyone else could relate

[@lorienrhiannonmorganpaulson]

Yes! I can totally relate to this because I also felt happy and the most confident I’ve ever felt at my lowest weight.

[@pheobem7958]

As I continued with recovery, I started to feel happier about other things in my life. My life got bigger and the time I had to think about my body got smaller. Removing the focus helped me realise how unimportant it is. So, no I don’t love my body but I’m at a point where I love what my body allows me to do in life xxx

[@pinkydinky5480]

I remember being in disbelief when my therapist said I had bulimia. I was so confused because I wasn't sick enough. Even though if I didn't do my specific rituals every day I would have a full blown panic attack. I keep forgetting how hard I worked to get out of that dark place. Im incredibly proud of the painful, difficult work I did for today me

[@raccoon_remains]

I have a problem of comparing the way I look now vs when I was really overweight and saying how much better I look thinner instead of comparing the way I feel and the way I feel about myself and use that as the excuse to keep losing weight because "I'll feel better about myself when I'm thin enough"

[@maryjanekeenan5189]

Then list the comparisons of all feelings in both states. Daily. List all differences in actual reality. For me I never ate out with family for years, or friends, or dates, dates would make me so nervous I’d force myself to eat then the whole time be wishing it was over. Now I don’t ever do this. Now I order what I want and not what I should have, and the bloating doesn’t make me cry or vomit or starve for days after, I just eat at my next meal and trust my next meal will happen when hunger rises, not when the clock says so. Being thin perhaps was a goal for you because it was easy to aim on goals only you knew about and only concerned you. Real life involves all that makes us feel like a community and a human in society. For a decade I never knew what was happening in the world because my mind only had capacity for ED. I didn’t know about my sisters jobs or my friends baby, or anything about anything other than my rigidity and sadness. You may keep your own mind in a box by romanticism of an illness. You can become separate, you always have been separate from it, it’s like a coat you wear everyday. It can come off because it never always belonged to you and while you might not throw it in the bin it still stays in your wardrobe and reflects the personal style you used to have. Life is a funny thing and an ED never truly helps you get through life, only creates a little bubble of new rules only you live in and distances you from reality x

[@alexiswinter6948]

The physical effects of the bulimia I suffered from off and on from 18 to my late 30s showed up in my mid 40s.

[@kinghabi]

What were they if you don’t mind me asking

[@Gracem2013]

Just had my first appointment for outpatient care at the U of A eating disorder clinic. I’m extremely grateful for this opportunity but after living with this for 25 yrs off & on I’m so scared of having to move forward & how hard it’s going to be. Mostly scared that it’s too late. It’s been too long & it’s too ingrained into me. Thank you for the video. It was perfect timing. 💕

[@Gracem2013]

@Beszéljünk róla! Thank you so much for that comment💜 It’s definitely hard to actually go through with treatment this time but enough is enough.

[@mercegomar]

Believe me, its possible to get over it. I've been struggling for 19y and yes, it was really hard but so worth going through treatment and recovery. The big part of long term EDs is that they partly become a habit - as you said they got ingrained in us. This knowledge helped me a lot throughout my recovery because apart from dealing with emotions, i also realised that i need to break the pattern of behaviour i have been in for such a looong time that even if it was a simple thing like drinking coffee from the same mug for 19y, i would be soo anxious if someone served me coffee in a different mug one day. Of course, EDs are not just a habit but there is that angle in there as well that i found as a revelation. Good luck!! You can do it :)

[@yvonneengblom]

Your videos... They're just so amazing and a fantastic additional support in recovery. I find myself watching hours of your content weekly when I'm not doing well and it brings me back up to a point where I can manage.

[@ffiontill5924]

Thank you thank you thank you! 💕 Not feeling sick enough definitely sucks but I want to “recover” but feel like I should just wait until others get involved and things get worse to validate my disorder and I know that’s so messed up and just makes me feel like an awful and selfish human

[@tracylynnaz9066]

I never coined myself as having an ED. As a former athlete I thought it was part of the gig. In”ran” myself o to the ground.....undereating (unknowingly)... overtraining (I thought pain was par for the course). I worked In Holistic health for 18 years thinking that I was just living the lifestyle but it was actually a cover up. I had a nutritional and cleansing business. So I cleansed Often. Truly though I started to use cleansing as a way to decompress and release anxiety. Ultimately that “healthy lifestyle “ destroyed my gut. So I started using keto, paleo, SIBO, low fodmap , etc etc etc. Food and whole food group eliminations. Because I never starved myself or made myself throw up I just thought I had problems due to the Hashimotos I was diagnosed with. It’s so easy to hide behind an autoimmunity diagnoses. Sure it plays a part but it came from somewhere and I’m sure it’s from not giving my body what it needed for years and years. I’m currently in the process of slowly adding back more and more . It’s scary but there’s no going back now. I’m starting to sleep better. Still struggling with severe gut issues which is why I can’t just go all in. But I feel less stressed. It’s amazing how the health and fitness industry are anything but health ......

[@A.J.8.8.8]

Thank you for this upload Mia ❤ always a good reminder. I definitely feel the resistance of these lies/thoughts have eased, but after 6 years recovery, they are still there. Over time they fade but I've learnt not underestimate the power of those insidious thoughts. I find they creep back up on me when I'm not looking after myself both mentally and physically.

[@suzannehugo6433]

Thank you so much for the content you create! You've played a significant role in my recovery! You are so appreciated! Continue doing what you do! ❤️❤️❤️

[@petithibou1891]

Hi ! Thank you for sharing . Im 33 I’ve been binging and purging everyday for 12 years now . I had to spend 10 k to fix my teeth but I didn’t stop me . Im ok now I think so . I still purge once or twice a week I used to do it up to 7 times in the same day . I will have to live with it I’m afraid ...

[@softlifesarah]

you can live without it if you choose! healing IS possible

[@maryjanekeenan5189]

You don’t have to life with it. Do you journal ? Journal on those 1/2 days especially. Doesn’t have to be about purging. Just write and you will realise why you are about to do it. Is it because the other days are so strict and controlled with work and food and family and must dos ? Let your mind wonder why you still do it and this may allow another POV for you. I hope you get the chance from yourself to move further into calmness x

[@cynthiajohnston6971]

Thanks, another great video, Mia.

[@AviFrankel]

100% true. Thanks so much for sharing.

[@samschannel1111]

this was really really helpful

[@ZoeShears]

I always believe that I am a fraud because I dont look like your typical eating disorder image. And at 14 stone in weigh I am pretty disgusted with myself and this past week my eating has been high carb and high sugar and that little gremlin in my mind is really telling me so. What I consider binge eating the eating disorder clinic class as normal eating and I find that frustrating. I have been pretty restrictive this week and I feel so ill and exhausted. I am a firm believer that my ibs and acid reflux have come from years of abuse but at 36 I have just accepted it, my issues started at 14 and its only been in the last year to 2 years that I got help.

[@sarahbartlett9870]

Why the disparity between what you call binge eating and what the ED clinic classifies as binge eating?

[@ZoeShears]

@@sarahbartlett9870 to me my binges are not a normal amount of food, I feel inhave eaten too much and therefore feel the need to restrict. However the eating disorder clinic class it as a normal amount of food, I think it's to reassure me that it's okay. They have advised to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and even though I have managed that a couple of times the thought if it still scares me. I was discharged from the service but re referred myself and am now doing there nutrition course to see if that helps, because they have given me the advice and tools I am just stuck going backwards all the time because I have the belief that my weight is a result of the amount of food I am meant to be eating.

[@sarahbartlett9870]

@@ZoeShears when you binge does it feel compulsive? When I used to binge, first I would get the urge. I would try to fight it, but it was both a physical sensation of tension/ anxiety and mental of thinking of the food (which In my case was usually chocolate). The reason I ended up binging, was more just to get rid of the very uncomfortable urge rather than for any pleasure which I may have derived from the binge. Once started I could not stop. I was very particular about what I binged on. Other people describe being on autopilot or zoning out. Then afterwards , there was the immense shame and guilt thinking “why have I done this again?”. “I will get fat”. I took many of these courses that supposedly teach you to stop binging but the urges were too strong. Turns out I was not eating nearly enough for my body. When I actually stopped binging, I was eating a lot. I had a very large calorie deficit to repair. But after a few months my appetite settled. I am now about 7 months binge and binge urge free. I will not binge again unless I get tricked into trying to restrict again. You do need to stop compensating for your binges by restricting as this just perpetuates the binge - restrict cycle. I also did structured eating.....3 meals and 2 snacks although at the start my snacks were more like mini meals. One other thing, if you want to recover, you need to let go of trying to control your weight. This is what kept me stuck. Your body will do what it needs to do. Make your main Focus on stopping the binging not weight control. I wish you all the best

[@maryjanekeenan5189]

Have you ever considered that you are actually who you are meant to be ? Like gods intention? And you are shaming yourself for how you have behaved and learned to become ? Are you aware of what positive outputs you may have and how interesting it is that you take yourself away to learn about these things ? That you can be in the very same body and not think of yourself as someone with some type of ED? Maybe your thoughts aren’t even yours ? But only in your mind because of where you have allowed your mind to be ? It is possible for you to be you and be kind to yourself ? There are lost of women who weigh more or less etc that might be just like you but without the guilt and shame ? Please watch a KZbin channel called stylelikeu x

[@ZoeShears]

@@maryjanekeenan5189 I am not sure how to respond to this but when you have any type of mental health issue it becomes very hard to have a rational mind t anything that you do. My story is not just my ED there are many many issues that have built up over the years. I refuse to compare myself to other people because comparison can often make the thoughts worse for someone with a mental health issue. I will check out that channel, thank you for commenting.

[@KiKiabout]

Thank you Mia...!

[@dintroduzcaapellidos3507]

Thank you !

[@lucilabolof3953]

Thank you for this ❤️

[@sasapoohpooh]

Love love love 💕

[@beitasaavedra5066]

I just love you

[@Awkwardptato]

Love youuu!!

[@lunaleia952]

Just wanted to say that you are such a beautiful woman with a beautiful mind. love your videos

[@marjorieroberson9257]

Thank you for sharing this. ❤️

[@hele4299]

Is it true, that eating disorders are the deadliest mental illnesses, not necessarily because of organ failure, etc., but rather the likelihood of suicide?

[@hele4299]

Oh wait, just continued watching and my question got answered XD

[@eforester8891]

Any addiction is wanting to calm our thinking (lower brain). Research Brain over Binge and Dr Amy Johnson. You can be free of this.

[@deboramalaki6090]

I even hate addressing it as 'my' eating disorder But don't know how to name it😅😅 Mind giving an idea on that🙃🙃

[@makyd6275]

I have a name for ED:Fucking asshole trying to ruin your life and kill you :DD

[@Moana_moo]

Is it “eating disorder” if i am kind of addicted to work outs. Like if i don’t work out at least 5 times/week i go crazy. Like i don’t restrict myself on food i kind of eat whatever i crave whether is salads when my friends eat cake(i genuinely love salads) or kfc when everyone decides to eat healthy and if i ate too much crap an evening before next day I’ll keep it lighter but the thing is i need to work out. Even so in 2020 i kind of let myself off with workout and barely worked out in 4 months and i feel really bad actually not just from a body image point of view but also bcuz i tend to be agitated and restless by nature since i do have adhd Like i do deal with body image issues but i pretend i don’t like i pretend my stomach ain’t flat enough still Gonna rock that tight dress since thinking too much about hiding them would make me hate myself. Like my sister and friends are comfortable with admitting they have insecurities about certain things and they can move on but i cannot openly admit i don’t like something since it would cause a lot of distress anxiety and so on

[@tovagampel6848]

First off I’m really sorry you’re going through that, I share a lot of the same struggles. I would recommend watching a lot of Mia’s videos as I found they really guided me to correcting or improving unhealthy behaviours, regardless if you have an eating disorder or not. There is a fine line between having disordered thoughts to having an actual eating disorder and lots of advise from recovery channels can help people without one two. The most important thing is to not conclude that you do not need to work on these things purely because you’re unsure if you genuinely have an eating disorder. I would recommend talking to a psychologist/doctor/dietitian/coach about it if you want clarity about your specific situation. Good luck!

[@__bethanyjayne]

How are we supposed to recover properly when things like this are online - she’s a celebrity therapist - what do you think of her suggestions? Is what she’s saying true? Is sugar actually addictive ? kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z2ayn56rjK2WpNE

[@ellenorbjornsdottir1166]

I quite hope that liar shuts up for good.