Allan Schore, The shaping of our emotional selves.

[@moonmissy]

We teach people to drive cars more than we teach parents how to be good primary caregivers.

[@edgreen8140]

So true! The most important thing should be taught. Attachment theory should be taught in high school.

[@Alphacentauri819]

@@edgreen8140 I think that emotional regulation should be taught in preschool. Also, how to “think”, how to question narratives (the meaning, often false…that we give to situations), call out cognitive distortions, confirmation biases….as well as develop mindfulness. These building blocks allow for attachment theory to be integrated. To teach a concept is one thing…to have a person have their subconscious reprogrammed is another, altogether. Mental constructs rarely translate to changed behavior. That’s why so many people “know” they shouldn’t smoke, cheat, uses drugs…and on and on. What was programmed in childhood will win out most of the time OVER what is taught in high school. We HAVE to get to people WAY before high school.

[@edgreen8140]

@@Alphacentauri819 That's a bit much for grammar school but high school.they can process this.

[@Alphacentauri819]

@@edgreen8140 you’re missing the point entirely. I should preface that I’ve studied psychology for 3 decades, worked in the medical field for over 10 years and am working towards a PhD in neuroscience…this is part of my areas of expertise. Yes, in high school they can COGNITIVELY process the IDEAS of attachment theory. However, for those ideas to be INTEGRATED in the wiring of the brain (the firing and wiring that happens in neuroplasticity, subconscious programming), the foundations need to be laid WAY before high school. Prenatal to about age 7, is when the most powerful programming occurs. Parents are the most impactful in this, how they interact consistently with the child, and how that affects brain development…especially the ability to emotionally regulate. Emotional dys-regulation is at the heart of most poor social interactions, inability to be successful, addictions and on and on. If someone in high school had terrible programming in the most powerful programming years…no amount of CONCEPTS will help. Your conscious brain effects only around 5% of what a person does, choices they make. Which is why teaching attachment theory to high schoolers would have minimal impact. Sure, they might be able to ace a test about attachment theory and trauma…but when it came to REAL life application, they may perform abysmally. The subconscious drives around 95% of our behaviors and is mostly set by age 8. Sure, it can be reprogrammed, but takes incredible work, awareness, etc. I would’ve agreed with your suggestion maybe a decade ago…but with all I’ve learned, I now know that it would not impact in an isolated context. There needs to be priming for integrating that type of knowledge…and way more than teaching the concepts. That’s one dimensional and not nearly as impactful as addressing more than just concepts.

[@edgreen8140]

What a brillant man. He conceptualizes everything a lot different than we were trained in the 80s. He's got wonderful data to help us conceptualize differently. I.e. difference between family members.

[@ironjohnlad]

This man is brilliant - child development is just so important - vital - crucial - essential - and the devastating effect of its absence.

[@tizzlekizzle]

This along with Pete Walker CPTSD is best material ive come across in 10 years.

[@lukeoldfield7940]

Peter Walker's book is excellent

[@Drjoshharper]

@@lukeoldfield7940 and is a

[@antoniosciara7322]

Its always amazing to me to see how many people believe their parents loved them unconditionally. They are locked into a fantasy bond with the parent. There is not one parent in the history of the planet that loved their child unconditionally. There are good parents, but it is simply impossible for them to love unconditionally at all times. It does not exist. The other defense I hear is, my parents did the best they could. So what? Everyone does the best they can at any given moment. The more someone idealizes their parents, the more you know that they in fact weren't loved. I've met a few people who had very loving parents, and they have a very balanced view of their parents and don't idealize them. As soon as someone says how amazing their parents were, its almost a dead giveaway that they were abused or neglected. Telltale sign.

[@MrMadalien]

You're right. My girlfriend had very loving parents, and she is a very mentally healthy person to the point that it induces jealousy, however she is very ambivalent towards her parents and really doesn't care what they think or what happens to them, as opposed to me, who's mother is extremely emotionally infantile and poorly developed, but is nonetheless the most important person in my life, and when something happens to her I am devastated like nothing else.

[@libbu10]

​@@MrMadalienHow do 2 different people like you and girlfriend get into relationship? Dont people attract partner like their parents?

[@alekob.3791]

That’s sad that your parents didn’t love you unconditionally, but speak for yourself. Ridiculous and baseless assumption to make

[@JW-pb8fg]

Hmmm... these days parents want to “have it all.” They want career and financial success as well as home and family success. And now their kids are growing up narcissistic and otherwise mentally ill. Am I the only one that sees the glaring ugly connection between these two occurrences? I see the connection clearly and I see it as selfish parents sacrificing the health and happiness of their children so that they, the parents, can have it all! I saw this decades ago and I saw that I had a choice: home and family success OR (emphasis on OR) career and financial success. I chose career and financial success. I WAS NOT AND I AM NOT WILLING TO SACRIFICE THE LIFE OF A CHILD FOR MY OWN SELFISH DESIRES! I don’t regret my decision at all despite the fact that I am now old and disabled and alone. I did the right thing and if more parents would follow my example, we’d be living in a better, happier world. This is the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to talk about...?

[@MrMadalien]

Yes, but then we start to go in to politics and feminism. I agree that this is fundamentally a problem caused by American/western culture and the incomprehensible changes in lifestyle that have occurred over the past 100 years.

[@Morale_Booster]

Yes, absolutely. People need to have children consciously instead of popping them out cause it's easy and popular. I'm not having children unless the stars align with career, love and finances. Plus the nuclear family is such an impossible set up to raise children in anyway. It takes a village

[@rabbitcreative]

> I WAS NOT AND I AM NOT WILLING TO SACRIFICE THE LIFE OF A CHILD FOR MY OWN SELFISH DESIRES! Will you sacrifice an innocent animal for a chicken sandwich? The way we have treated animals has come to collect. Live vegan.

[@jessipanda]

I want to cry. I feel like I was so set up to fail my entire life because I was not lucky enough to have a healthy early childhood. No wonder I've felt like Sisyphus my whole life.

[@GetUnlabeled]

You are capable of growth

[@jessipanda]

@@GetUnlabeled Thank you💗💗💗 I've grown so much in the past few years. But I am also constantly mourning the person I could have been if I didn't have to push against the issues created in my childhood. It feels like my true potential was robbed from me before I was ever even able to make my own decisions.

[@amyscott9496]

@@jessipandaI understand and I feel that Camus (when he wrote about that myth) did not understand trauma, he also did not have the brain research we have today. Some things that have helped me to fight against this “curse” are reading Janina Fishers workbook, learning about affect regulation, vagus nerve and psoas muscle exercises, learning about the nervous system and brain, eating broccoli microgreens, taking B vitamins and supplementing with whatever else is needed from lab draw. It takes a lot of time and it’s slow but I think those of us who suffer can rise above and help ourselves and others in magical ways ❤

[@ZenMaster_]

@@amyscott9496According to this theory Camus probably didn’t have a safe or emotionally healthy childhood. Maybe that’s why I’m fascinated by him, my identification of his trauma (I’m not sure if that’s a correct word for it). I have felt anxious and have a hard time trusting people and that can be a sign of something lacking in the early years of my life.

[@CR055FIRE]

When the parent triggers a shame response in the two year old (in order to discourage unwanted behavior), the child panics for two reasons: 1. because it's not sure the parent will ever be happy again and 2. because it's not aware of the scope of why the parent is displeased (for all the child knows, the parent could be permanently angry). This situation represents an existential crisis for the child. This is why parental regulation of emotion is so important. The parent then moves to communicate a simple fact: it's not the existence of the child, itself, that caused the negative response, but the ignorance of the child to it's own actions. Because of the negative response, the child becomes aware of themselves in a new way: that they can act upon the world and the world can act upon them - dangerously. The age at which a child is able to move and act increases its ability to be harmed exponentially. The child, then, must be made aware that actions have consequences and consequences can be bad. In this situation the child's level of responsibility and autonomy must increase. The increase in responsibility comes with a corelative decrease in total connectivity and reliance on the parent (which is why the child panics and over-emotionalizes the situation). Repair of the emotional situation communicates that negative emotional responses can be used to transmit different types of information, especially about environmental hazards and dangers. By shaming the child's actions, and then repairing it's mood, the parent is communicating that emotions can be used to transmit information about external conditions, not just internal.

[@ellebelle5140]

Thank you for sharing. I have attended many of Schore's lectures and trainings and consider him to be the preeminent expert on child development and its impacts on later adult life. He formed a large part of my own therapist training and I predict he will be considered in the future as the Freud of his time.

[@laurasalado2429]

Elle Belle I agree whole heartedly!!

[@ellebelle5140]

Thanks for your note Laura! Nice to know another Schore fan out there :)

[@JoJo-ym1bt]

Agreed

[@jiminy_cricket777]

Thank you for posting this, your channel is full of great and valuable content. First I came for Kernberg's lectures on personality structure, TFP, and NPD.. but I have been meaning to learn something about Schore's ideas for several months now, so thank you.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Can we predict how mothers' increased fixation on their cell phones is going to affect the development of attachment behavior and emotions in the next generation?

[@sylviarochelleamaro5888]

When the beginning of life begins with a too young mother, who herself was left to do the picking up after her father, who got drunk every pay day. Got so angry she got married to the wrong man, than brought twins into a world. A world she had to totally control. That control was absolutely 💯% over her newborns. Never allowing anyone to have any words, any interaction, or allowing those children their own development. I never really understood just how inept I was. Still have so much residual problems. Thank you appreciate you.

[@BushyHairedStranger]

All parents have an massive opportunity for helping their children in understanding their childhood by writing a daily activity log from known conception through to parturition on to 3 years of age.

[@saumitrsharma2816]

Good idea.

[@paulinecamposano-marquez8235]

Im writing my infant baby a letter every month to an email account I created and plan to give her access to, when she wants to know. :-)

[@kaiven2429]

@@paulinecamposano-marquez8235 That is soooo excellent and should be done by EVERY mother or parent. YOU ARE extremely wise....

[@Alphacentauri819]

What is WAY more powerful than writing experiences for a child….is to be attuned to the child. To meet their emotional needs. If all the “stuff”, concepts, are written down…but the very foundation of attachment, connection & emotional development is missed, NO amount of documentation matters. All it does is assist in a formulated “narrative”. Lived experience, on a cellular, neuropsychological level, is what resonates with humans, more than any words “saying” what happened.

[@Dominopole]

​@paulinecamposano-marquez8235 me too! Not an email but handwritten. And I am doing little art journal entries too. It's been great 2 years plus still doing it monthly. Also telling her what's going on in the world. How cool in the coming years for her to have that

[@Neilgs]

@1:37. Yes, absolutely, as a Developmental therapist working in Early intervention population the quiet, withdrawn, general overall lack of expressive and instead flat affective child, in essence due to avoidant or ambivalent primary caregiver attachment practices and then extended into daycare environments are also unjustifiably being diagnosed/misdiagnosed with ASD. As much as the old stereotypical refrigerator parents mistakenly and egregiously tied to "cause of autism" to the avoidant parent, we still nonetheless must have the courage to consider apart from clear biogenetic constitutional factors and healthy secure based attachment, the impact of impact of negative child/primary caregiver practices that in some instances look remarkably similar on the surface - or decidedly diagnose a type of "functional autism" due to disorganized or ambivalent caregiver practices. Understandably, it is quite "dangerous" grounds that I am treading here but we have to have the courage to consider the impact that results or mimics what appears in some cases "on the surface" to be the same.

[@MusicaAngela]

It is more dangerous for the child to be misdiagnosed than for this to be a contentious issue. I agree that courage is needed! Also, the wider the spectrum for autism, the more children (and adults) will be labeled as having autism thereby ruling out a possible affective disorder (which I imagine is also a spectrum)

[@kaiven2429]

From my experience, the cause of autism spectrum/ Asperger's is emotional trauma during the first two years of life. Mine was at 18 months. How to undo......?????? so challenging....I'm only 82 now so maybe some day I'll find out....

[@MrMadalien]

Well, as someone who was diagnosed at 5 with ASD, and usually avoids mentioning this diagnosis, I find myself relating much more with a psychodynamic explanation for my behaviour, over a "physiological" one like autism. Considering the fact that my behaviour changes drastically when I actually feel genuine love, like after some psychadelic experiences, either autism is treatable with psychadelics or indeed I'm actually not autistic, but someone with a troubled childhood. I find it groteque when people identify with their diagnosis, completely abdicating themselves of responsibility or room for improvement.

[@Neilgs]

@@MrMadalien I’m sorry but you are putting forth a completely inaccurate and popularized caricature, that people diagnosed (mostly misdiagnosed) with ASD are incapable or have extreme difficulty feeling love. That has no basis in reality whatsoever! Secondly, there is no such thing as, “Autism” as a noun. It is much more accurate to think of a heterogeneous, human neurodiversified spectrum. The binary polarization or reductionism to a container of neurotypical vs. non-neurotypical does not exist.

[@Sunshinepati]

Thank you for sharing this crucial lecture on a so fundamental subject.

[@edgreen8140]

Temporal parietal right side this is a gold mine.

[@richardprice9730]

A very concise brilliant understandable view of how we are affected from birth and through the early years by the ( ideal) Mother (ing) attuning to the child .

[@yogagaia]

agreed at 1:12 the quote hes' reading. Thank for sharing this amazing resource. my first time hearing him speak.

[@manojit00]

1:20 -1:40 3:05 6:10 John Bowlby 7:15 Affect regulation book 8:50 - 10:55 evolution of regulation 13:00 Picture 16:30 - 18:00 important

[@EllenDScott]

Thank you for this much needed information. I have long known that it was something deeper than psychotherapist were telling me. I have long known that it was much harder to repair than simply thinking my way out of it. I have long suspected that it's actually not repairable. At least now I don't feel crazy.

[@philb6046]

use to be a tribe would raise the child... up until it started taking a 2 earner income, so both parents working and if no consistent primary caregiver, now many single parents with no direct extended family caregivers available, the development attachment issues along with developmental trauma issues could become epidemic... I understand everyone is doing their best, however very little info regarding any of this is made available, even in hospitals when they send you home... they give classes on child birth, however nothing regarding nothing available on this and this has implications for life long issues for the child's integration into society and emotional/stress regulation...

[@hazelwray5307]

The nuclear family; single parent home; school - they don't live up to a close knit community and extended family close by.

[@MrMadalien]

Yes. It's the core issue with the west. This is the collapse of the west on display, a crucial mistake was made. We thought technology would solve everything.

[@MrMadalien]

By the way this becomes much more serious when you understand the connection between childhood trauma and physical health, the immune system, parasympathetic and sympathic nervous systems... Autoimmunity, cancer, CFS and even infections are intensely modulated by love in childhood, and trauma or lack thereof.

[@AndreaSapienzaCoaching]

I am deeply curious about the neurobiological response experienced by the mother and how adoptive mothers respond/attach to children adopted at an older age.

[@edgreen8140]

Thank you for posting! Smart guy wish i would have learned this in physiologic psychology. Don't think they knew this inthe 80s.

[@kaiven2429]

Unfortunately for me born in 1939....But I have known deep inside for 50 years what he is speaking is true. My babyhood emotional trauma is still apparent now at 82 years. How to attach to other humans on an emotional level now is very challenging.

[@neillhughes8439]

Are some emotions innate from birth and others learnt from experience then?

[@Neilgs]

The basic affective system is hardwired (see Jaak Panksepp) , curiosity/seeking, attachment/nurturance, fear, rage, panic, lust, play/laughter. It is part of our 200 million year mammalian heritage. Now, how they begin to manifest, begin synaptically wire, forming connections first in the right hemisphere and then back and forth between hemispheres, between left brain prefrontal cortext executive functioning and right brain subcortical (LPHA axis, limbic, pituitary adrenal axis and autonomic nervous system is epigenetically learned and interpersonally. First, in utero especially during third trimester (e.g., as the mother level of stress hormones cross the placenta) then immediately postnatally and most rapidly during the first three years of life (but during the entire lifespan as there is tremendous neuroplasticity) through dyadic reciprocal interactive co-regulated interactions. So at each point nature/nurture interact epigenetically.

[@muskduh]

This is excellent thanks!!!

[@daniellasantos4136]

The old medical discourse that attributes all responsibility for the child's development to the mother, now through neuroscience Freud had already told us this story.

[@NataliaKarnaukh]

Yep.

[@consultaabierta5653]

Excelente su explicación ! thanks you very much!. Its a pity that there is no longitudinal mental health policy with these paradigms

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

What about older siblings? I was surrounded by 5 older sisters who were mean to me.

[@smartcatcollarproject5699]

Yes, that's an issue... off course it's all supposed to come from the way the parents raised their kids, you and your older sisters here, but I suspect that this theory is not deep/mature enough to be linked to narcissism (1:36:16 dismissive & avoidant types) and other deviant behaviors. I also have problems with my older sisters, who even beat me when I was smaller than them, while acting like it was a game when my parents were nearby. Decades later they didn't change their mind, mostly talking behind my back. I just read Dan Brown's "Attachments disturbances in adults..." and asked myself the same question as you do ! look at his short video, though, in case it may help : kzbin.info/www/bejne/sGPEpmegqbFjhZY ?

[@formerfundienowfree4235]

@@smartcatcollarproject5699 thank you. I will check it out

[@samc2612]

@@smartcatcollarproject5699 Read Borderline Bodies - Clara Mucci, extends on this work to talk personality / psychosomatic disorders. Great read imo

[@smartcatcollarproject5699]

@@samc2612 Thanks, can you expand on the therapy part, at least the general idea ? Is that the same method used in attachment therapy, which is mostly based on imagining ideal parents who provide the missing elements, as explained in the short video I linked ? I can't find any serious review or critic about her work with a mention about the therapy itself...

[@samc2612]

Smart Cat Collar Project it’s more towards integrating psychodynamic theory with interpersonal neurobiology. Attachment therapy is a pseudoscientific scam that has actually led to kids being killed.

[@concretejunglewildkidin9916]

may be a truth loving mother knew it before professionals many many many yrs ago, the only difference is they don't put it to theory but nature, they use their empathy, facing feelings and the way to love where they understand naturally. modern/modern civilization might be harmful in some way, just that's why theories (put into words, civilization always do) needed.

[@flodfellow]

I wish this was more idiot friendly

[@MiVu96]

Boston Legal brought me here.

[@eneelenanicoleta5399]

👏🙏

[@camilamr]

1:51:53

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

I hate my mother.

[@rabbitcreative]

+1

[@flamingrobin5957]

he's very wise until he affirms "evolution" we were created by God in the image of God Male and female, but that image is marred by sin, and shame is the result of sin. shame breakes connection. we hide our faces from God and the light because we become all bad when we can't make sense of the mal attunement the child then attacks self and becomes too bad to be loved and drifts in dissasociation having lost their parents attuned faces. angry faces and shaming faces become intollerable if you dont have the imprinting of regular attuned loving faces.

[@mariamkinen8036]

Our mother n her family couldn't have done a better job at shaping our emotional self as children. These topics are here to draw in piles of money n attention ! Why? Life happens . So does love. N kids. So what?