Am I OK?

[@constonks]

"We do not do these things because they are easy. We do them because we thought they would be easy and now we care too much about them to stop." is a well-crafted and funny line and also speaks to me on a personal level.

[@BrilliantShadows]

i laughed out loud when he said that. It is such a perfect line that describes much of what I do in life.

[@ac-kk9er]

The stand up work is showing!

[@jvdos]

My father has told me the original JFK quote since i was really little, so this hit so hard

[@Elizabeth-tq7qw]

1/3 JFK, 2/3 Hank Green, 100% awesome.

[@emilycarr2913]

Story of my life atm

[@alexanderharvey6407]

Seeing a vlogbrothers video with Hank's face titled "Am I OK?" just gave me flashbacks to Elmo tweeting "How is everybody?" and the internet collectively revealing that no, individually we are not ok. At all.

[@lvbboi9]

"Having a brain that doesn't function the way I expect it to, is almost existentially weird." Perfectly put. Heavy ADHD and addiction symptoms always makes me feel like that too.

[@vlogbrothers]

It's legit weird, it just feels like things immediately slip out of my brain....frustrating. I feel like I've lost a lot of good ideas!

[@DavidGravesExists]

Yeah, I was feeling that, too. Being aware that I simply do not function the same way I did before I had a (pretty bad) case of Covid... well, it sucks. Like, being aware that I can't recall things that I know I know (words, facts, things I did 5 minutes ago).

[@CarolinaBloomquist]

I was racing to the comments to say this too. With ADHD and other “my brain doesn’t work like most people” diagnoses I felt this best describes me every day.

[@thistley_42]

This is also very much my experience of perimenopause. I think we’re strongly conditioned to believe that how our brain works is a static, defining factor of who we are (especially if you are labelled as ‘clever’ or ‘talented’ in a particular way at an early age) and the ways that almost everyone’s cognitive function changes over time influenced by age, mental and physical health and a heap of other factors really isn’t discussed much.

[@DampeS8N]

@@vlogbrothers Fucking MOOD

[@ronaldmartin2666]

Hank, take a minute to feel the pride in your accomplishments. It’s ok, and you deserve it.

[@vlogbrothers]

HAH! I think I simply won't!!

[@ronaldmartin2666]

@your therapist and I are on the same page here.

[@calliopeshif7581]

@@vlogbrothers I liked your reply because that's how I am, lol. That said...we both gotta learn to forgive and appreciate ourselves somehow. It rarely works to frame it to myself that I "deserve" the self-love - as much as my partner, family, and friends encourage it. But I don't think I deserve the pain either, the denial of self-forgiveness and self-appreciation. I'm working on repairing that relationship with myself, and I wish the same for you

[@kashiichan]

​@@ronaldmartin2666Mine too. Apparently it's EXTREMELY common in neurodivergent folks, especially ADHD

[@plodiN3]

@@calliopeshif7581 I think it might be more universal than we think. My therapist has on occasion, instead of asking what I think I should do just asked what I would recommend someone else do in that situation and why I think that shouldn't apply to me. We always are our own worst critic.

[@rebeccamueller3652]

I hope your dad is super proud of the sons he raised and how they have helped shape the world. Love that he runs the P4A matching donor program. That's excellent.

[@second0banana]

Seriously. Major parent goals.

[@berglettemom6045]

How could he not be?! The Green brothers do not forget to be awesome. Ever.

[@zolacnomiko]

So delighted to learn this fact!

[@dark_neverland]

They had to learn dftba from somewhere, momma & poppa green seems the likeliest culprits 😂❤

[@lauralittle8806]

I mean, except for Dave, he could really be doing more.

[@medickaisu]

I am almost 5 years post cancer treatment. I lost my stomach, my energy, my stamina and my sense of myself as strong and healthy - BUT I am alive. Cancer is not a bump on the road, it is a fork. I had to accept that I would never be what I was before, mourn the loss of that vital, strong and confident woman, and then appreciate what remains. All the best to you.

[@mostlyvoid.partiallystars]

Just want to send hugs. You are amazing and an inspiration. Thank you for speaking openly about your struggles.

[@CarrieLovesLife.]

Very wise words

[@Izzy-Maurer]

"I feel more like a Ship of Theseus than I used to" is such a poetic line

[@PapaPilt]

I heard "...ship of feces..." at first and was like preach!

[@ANinjasEerierEnemy]

​@@PapaPilt Precisely. I am a sailboat of doo doo.

[@cindyd.01]

Yup

[@jamesdriscoll_tmp1515]

Some days are more ship Some days are more Theseus

[@TVDaJa]

Yeah it's weird. One day you wake up, look in the mirror and a ship of theseus is looking back at you. Happend to a buddy of mine. He was never the same. Scary stuff

[@SilverNox]

I’ve just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and have to wait until the 4th to learn what my treatment plan is. Having seen your journey has helped my not be paralyzed with fear allowing me to prepare to do everything I can to recover. Even got me curious if I’ll experience post chemo new hair. Thanks for all that you do!

[@vlogbrothers]

Thanks for sharing. So sorry to hear this but glad you’re getting your plan soon. It’s gonna be hard, but keep living while you’re living!! (Watch lots of standup)

[@watsonwrote]

I also recommend the British Taskmaster show. It's free on KZbin and extremely funny

[@ravenayers5563]

You and John talking openly about mental health has made me feel less “less than”. Thank yall. DFTBA (even with short term memory issues)

[@dustyboialex]

@@ravenayers5563 omg good one

[@erinmac4750]

Absolutely this! 💜 You speak for many of us! 💚🫂💜🍀

[@ElijahCem]

John speaking openly about his OCD makes me cry. I have had OCD all my life and I got diagnosed very recently. And I will forever be thankful to John for making me feel like I wasn't alone, like I could succeed in life, and that I had someone to look up to that has good days and who has bad days.

[@nagemfly]

I gotta say, @vlogbrothers I just started as chemistry faculty and I’ve been watching since 2011..and at the time, I rewatched your whole catalogue multiple times. You’re a big part of who I am. I’ve been influenced in every way by your content. For the first time ever I’m in the position to really help financially, and I intend to. Thank you for caring. For always caring. And increasing the level of awesome in the world, one good deed at a time. 🤘 I’m honoured to be a member of this community.

[@vlogbrothers]

Congratulations!!

[@untappedinkwell]

Congratulations and thank you for being here! DFTBA!

[@francescakyanda9182]

It’s not weakness, Hank, it’s vulnerability! We need more men like you and John ❤

[@dannnyc93]

Only boys who pretend to be men think that strength means suppressing emotions and acting differently from how you really feel. Real men are brave enough to be transparent and ask for help when they need it as they know that doing so brings connection and lets others know they’re not alone.

[@cg2642]

And we need more people like you who do not shame or mock us for it. So thank you.

[@cg2642]

@@dannnyc93 agreed, but in my life experience, those kinds of people are quite common.

[@cameronschyuder9034]

@@dannnyc93well, let’s not shame them by calling them, essentially, not-real men. It can create shame that reinforces defensiveness that helps no one. They’re men too, they just weren’t given the tools needed to express that vulnerability in a safe environment, and were taught those “bad traits” by others in their lives growing up. It is a privilege to have good role models and to have supportive ppl in our lives

[@johnmarkson1990]

@@dannnyc93 supressing emotions also makes you a man. youre trying to just push through it and not burden others. therapy is expensive and sometimes you can take advantage of kind people by dumping your issues onto their plate too. the only right answer is deal with issues the way your anxiety is lowest. if thats dealing with stuff alone do that.

[@MegaMeg117]

2:48 I heard a survivor of severe brain trauma (huge changes to personality and memory retention) once say they remember that they used to be different, and they remember that it was easier to be that person than to be their current person. It’s a hard thing to accept I think.

[@aliciakowalski]

Same here. I remember going through CBT and OT and my regular physio therapy and being sooo overwhelmed sad scared angry frustrated depressed that my brain wasn’t working at the capacity I was used to. The fact I couldn’t and still can’t remember everything like I used to with photographic memory or key words is annoying and incredibly sad for me. Fall 2025 will mark ten years since my TBI (traumatic brain injury) and I can say, it’s okay to have those feeling. You’ll learn ways to cope and skills that will help you get you back to your new peak. I still get heavily overwhelmed by loud noises and commotion but wearing my Loop earplugs and going places when there’s less people is helpful still all these years later. But then I also wonder, is it just an age thing? No clue.

[@brieanastraiton3665]

It's beyond hard to process, let alone to accept that's what life is from now on. I personally went through a legit grieving period for my old self. MS took so much from me. Including who I was. Bc the woman I am today is not who I once was. I was well on my way to a cushy 7 figure ceo level job. Now I can't even hold a pt job for more than a few months wo getting fired for fucking up or just not able to come in bc my leg decided not to work that day. It's awful tbh

[@brieanastraiton3665]

​@@aliciakowalskiI would say it's not an age thing. I didn't go thro a TBI tho I am familiar since my brother did. I have multiple sclerosis. When they stick me in the mri my brain lights up like a xmas tree when they do the dye contrast. Over 30 lessions mainly in my prefrontal cortex. But there's at least one lession in every part of my brain. Sclerosis mean scar in Latin(I think lol). Each spot is a place where those neurons have been either severely damaged or are completely dead. So it can mimic TBI in some ways.

[@tealkerberus748]

I have fatigue - amongst other things. I can be lying in bed and think "I need to get out on the farm and fix that fence my son told me the bull broke" and then I sit up and realise actually, no, I won't be doing that. Life was a lot easier being abled, when I damned well _built_ the fences our new bull is now progressively destroying.

[@lolag7593]

I think after cancer treatment we almost have to practice radical acceptance of our new selves. For me, brain fog hung in for about 18-24 months after chemo. It's been three years since treatment ended. I still am more anxious than I used to be. I have the tiniest touch of neuropathy but that can and has gotten better. It's rough. But you're right- still being here is what maters. I hope for people in the future, treatment gets even more effective and a lot less rough on them.

[@mosaic2476]

that radical acceptance is so important and powerful! i haven't ever had cancer, but i am a survivor of long-term abuse; i've found a surprising amount of overlap through the aftermath and my own healing. in the past year, after non-stop practise for many years, that radical acceptance - that lovingly and respectfully meeting and being with myself exactly where i am - has finally become a behaviour in my daily life. the symptoms have their ups and downs, but it truly makes a difference being able to hold and love myself through it all.

[@weedfreer]

I would wish this also, however, having been treated for melanoma using ‘the future’ of such treatments (immunotherapy) I have been left with a spot of imposter syndrome as a result. Like, the treatment was so easy, that, it was like I’d never been ill. Ok, ok, there were a few reactions towards the end which caused severe discomfort which ultimately resulted in a diagnosis of inflammatory arthritis. So, my treatment wasn’t entirely inconsequential. But, yeah, it’s quite strange that, by the accounts of those treating me, I was so ill, yet, I went through an entire process of treatment and out the other side not having ever really felt anything to my detriment… something which had I contracted it even only a few years prior I would likely be offering words of shared sympathy. I am still however most definitely hopeful for the day such illnesses pretty much become a a ‘take two of these, and, I’ll see you again in a month’ type of affair.

[@mariya_tortilla]

so true. thats a really hard part of it on its own. I have to adjust to my new life after having a health crisis. things just arent going to be the same and i have to accept that, but its really hard. Way harder than i thought it would be.

[@lolag7593]

@ Agreed, and wish we could see that day. And it's a good point you make. Not every course of treatment is equally rough, and some people weather them better than others. The same immunotherapy drug had no impact on my friend, but was harder on me. But my radiologist couldn't believe how well I did with radiation. Human bodies are so individual it's kind of amazing.

[@ervinmiracle]

My wife suffered a TBI 15 years ago. Her brain was forever impaired. It was like having an invisible amputation. One day, she could teach elementary school, the next, she struggled with numbers and short-term memory. When you have no leg, people understand why you can't do what you used to. It's not the same when your brain is 'less able'. In our experience, though, it's not an 'existential threat' because your mental capacity is only one vector of your personality/existence. It is certainly a painful loss (and you should mourn it)! But there is so much more to you than your incredible cognitive abilities.

[@wagerword]

Like what? I put most of my self worth in my mind and its abilities. I would love to know what else I should remember to be grateful for.

[@flowerheit4512]

​@@wagerwordare you able to provide comfort to those close to you? are you able to experience taste? smell? can you tell and laugh at jokes?

[@ervinmiracle]

@@wagerword You can be dumb and still be good and kind.

[@jigglyjello7334]

@@wagerword sounds unhealthy

[@BionicMilkaholic]

​@@wagerword Your love for the people around. The activities that bring joy to your life. I think "self worth" is a wrong term. Maybe "self purpose" would be better.

[@AdaSoto]

As an ADHDer it's all about the calendar on your phone. Put EVERYTHING in your calendar right away. Automate everything you can. Put multiple reminders for every activity.

[@zadtheinhaler]

Hell yeah, if it's not written down, it never happened, and may never happen. Note-taking apps FTW as well!

[@abbyburns3127]

As a person with brain fog from a few fun chronic illness, THIS! I am majorly patting myself on the back for putting reminders in my phone about my driver's license expiring, which I must have done half a decade ago the LAST time I renewed it because present day me had no idea until the first one popped up!

[@theexaustedslime]

It took a bit to set up, but I have an alarm clock that reads me my calendar in the morning. The fact this isnt a stand alone product is insanity to me.

[@simonsaysism]

That moment when you have a thought but your phone is in the other room and you have to decide whether it's a forgettable thought or if you're gonna chant it in your head until you can open your calendar

[@buttersddragon]

i'll be sure to set up a reminder to remind me to do this, just as soon as i set my reminder to set that reminder 😅

[@wesrobertson1192]

Hank, I’m a childhood cancer survivor and have poor short term memory and have never drawn a connection but that makes part of my life make more sense, and I’m grateful for that. Also, i have the exact same little room diorama that I made during the lockdown days of COVID, and that just hit with another big wave of emotion. Thanks for being you and doing so many awesome things

[@oranjjetofu4054]

2:55 thought you said “ships of feces” at first and didn’t question it

[@TheKetchupPacket]

"Ships of Feces"- is my new band name

[@SusanBanth0ny]

What did he say? I truly was rolling with ‘ships of feces’ 🙃

[@dead-raccoon]

ships of theseus!

[@KumaKaori]

hahahaha omg, I'm glad Im not the only one 😂. Thank eff for y'know, context clues X3.

[@amasterofone]

I thought the same thing, even though I've heard of the ship of Thesius

[@CMBell1985]

My memory suffered after a breakdown in 2018, but it deteriorated massively and my speech worsened after covid. I so empathise with that whole 'brain no work anymore' vibe and its existential terror.

[@taynay101]

not a breakdown but long term stress from family trauma caused definite brain and memory issues. i found that a lot of people experiencing grief, PTSD, long term anxiety and depression totally understand when you just say “brain mush”. Words are hard, can’t hold a train of thought, keeping focused can be nearly impossible, etc. My brain just can’t quite hold onto things like it used to. things being thrown at me are turning into mush instead of being caught properly to be processed.

[@ericnelson4761]

My brain does not function the same after I had Covid. Short term memory isn’t the same. Often times I run into that thing where the word is on the tip of your brain, except the word simply isn’t there.

[@joygilman1110]

It is only a few degrees of separation from Nerdcon Nerdfighteria to my becoming a therapist in my late 40s. Keep up the vulnerability. It's saving lives!

[@WhimsicalSock]

We have the same first name!

[@amanatee27]

0:55 "I didn't notice before I checked, so it can't be that bad!" Your video editing absolutely nailed it with how I feel about that sentiment XD

[@worshipwormking2327]

such a chronic pain mood lol

[@confusinh9722]

4:38 "all that stuff that got happened" I love you Hank

[@VagueHandWaving]

I love the phrase "got happened" cause things don't happen without people getting them happened.

[@rasmusn.e.m1064]

I like it, but ngl it definitely has "he got disappeared" vibes xD

[@cheryllovestoread]

I’m old enough to be your mom, Hank. But I’ve been very proud of both you and your brother since the beginning. Your work bringing so many together into collaborative spaces has made my heart happy. My limited financial donation each month goes to Partners in Health. It’s the place where I felt led to add my tiny $5.00 donation (which is $60 a year after all.) And when added to everyone else’s $60, we can improve heath outcomes throughout the world. So, I guess I’m here to encourage others on limited incomes to commit even just $5.00 for SciShow & other important work inspired by Nerdfighteria. I stopped a streaming service to start my monthly donation and you may find you don’t even miss it. Added all together, it can make a huge difference.

[@Ford_prefect_42]

Yay! We are not ok and that's ok!

[@Ford_prefect_42]

I just spent $100 bucks at the complexly store. THAT'S HOW OK I AM 🙃

[@archlich4489]

@@Ford_prefect_42 Ford, is that you? Groovy!

[@KieranLeCam]

It's not okay, actually. Fight for your okayness. ❤

[@Finkeldinken]

Oops!​@@Ford_prefect_42 I mean, at least you spent them at a good place? 😅 I hope we become more okay, tho. That would be good. :)

[@erinmac4750]

Wow. Today I watched a press conference where Officers Harry Dunn and Daniel Hodges, who defended the Capitol on January 6th, gave their responses to the pardons. Officer Dunn was wearing a hoody that said, "It's okay to not be okay." With that and everything they said, it hit hard. I can't even imagine how hard it has been and will for these people who put their lives on the line that day, as well as for their families. This why I love John and Hank, because they are truly good and have fostered this caring community of people who don't do horrible things to other humans. 💜

[@adraino7345]

I just got diagnosed with schizophrenia, this was comforting

[@kristinaplays2924]

There is a channel called living well with schizophrenia that I really like, maybe it can help ❤

[@sennahtate6107]

I haven't undergone cancer treatment, but I've had severe burnout, which left me grappling with many of the same "brain doesn't work the way I want" issues. Really appreciate you talking about that; it's so hard to convey to people that you're "better" but not "fully there" like you want to be.

[@eyesofthecervino3366]

My brain went in the red several different ways since 2020, and it took me until just a few months ago to start feeling anything like normal again. I'd been starting to worry some parts of me were never coming back.

[@tealkerberus748]

"Better than I used to be" is still an improvement, even if I have learned to accept that I will never be "like I was before I got sick."

[@mazterlith]

I think it's okay to not be okay. Many people these days are less than okay and there is solidarity there.

[@steve0szymanski]

"But ya know... I'm noT DEAD!" I really enjoyed that one. Thanks Hank, all the best.

[@starwyvern010]

Seeing people be vulnerable about their struggles with mental health always makes me feel less alone, so thank you

[@meganballrigden4913]

As someone who “felt” brain change with meds for mental health - it’s good to recognize it, own the hate for the cognitive decline and work to use what we still got. Be easy on yourself Hank, you help inspire the next big thinkers!

[@dcdrafts]

You always tell your audience how proud of us you are. As a fan of 15yrs I hope you know that we’re just as proud of you and everything you’ve worked with the community to build!! Wishing you health & peace & rest in the coming days. The world is very difficult to deal with right now but I feel better seeing people like you who are always trying to make it less terrible. Thank you for that, and at the same time please feel free to take a breather every now and then haha

[@kaymitchell6143]

2:19 As someone on the spectrum I understand this deeply. Sometimes if I’m struggling with a transition or I am overwhelmed my brain just stops producing thoughts. So I can get “stuck” not knowing what to say or do next. It’s so frustrating sometimes because I can’t feel myself trying really hard to think and help me do what I’m supposed to but there’s nothing I can do. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes other times it takes 5 hours.

[@katarh]

I like that your therapist both accepts your anxiety as valid.... but also that you live a life with a LOT of stress and that anxiety has a legitimate cause, too. Anyway, time for a responsible financial decision to support Sci show because it's some of my favorite content on KZbin. All four postcards are coming my wayyyyy

[@Sleepless_Chaos]

This is long, but hopefully it helps someone. About 3 years ago, I got a blood clot in the venous drainage system of my brain, which resulted in fluid building up in my brain. This is an uncommon mechanism in the development of something called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. I got mine because of COVID. It caused such severe impairment of my physical and mental functioning that I had to leave medical school in my second year. Because I'm so young, I've had to resort to very high doses of Diamox (which also causes brain fog) and repeated lumbar punctures to drain the fluid when too much of it accumulates, as my chances of revascularizing are fairly high, and putting in a shunt would cause further atrophy of the venous system. So not only is my mind not as sharp as it was, my memory is cooked, my cognitive functioning is unstable, and all of that changes on a month-to-month basis. About a year into it, I felt like I was gone, you know? Like the ME that I knew I was, the me who had been writing for 15 years couldn't string a sentence together, the me who often was told "hey, you sound like a late night radio talkshow host" was stammering and stuttering and failing to assemble thoughts into coherent sentences. I would forget what I was saying as it was coming out of my mouth. 2 years later, I've more or less figured out how to work with the brain I have now, and while it was far from easy, and it was a process full of anxiety and dread and pain and misery, I am MORE HAPPY with my cognitive functioning now than I was before I got IIH. The scariest part of your brain changing like this is feeling unlike yourself. The best thing my therapist told me to do was to learn my brain like it was a new person rather than compare it to what I could do before. Opened up the world for me. Wishing you all the best.

[@gwynnmccallan8856]

Wishing you all the best too, fellow human. Big digital hug to you.

[@wordzmyth]

0:32 I got cc "sometimes chemotherapies cause nerf damage" and as a cancer survivor in remission I couldn't have put it better. I am so happy to be alive and so far in remission but was very slightly nerfed by chemo. Small price to pay.

[@yayforfood100]

he did very much say nerve damage fyi

[@Madamoizillion]

​@@yayforfood100 They know, they're just saying the closed captioning mistakenly interpreted it as "nerf" and they liked that interpretation.

[@flexvape]

​@@Madamoizillion I took the "I got cc" as in "crowd control" to describe how cancer affected them.

[@oliviasayshi7517]

Oh, Hank description of short term memory issues hits so hard (chronic migraines and POTS) Edit: i forgot the word "hits" initially, proves the point

[@Eyyykc]

Right?? Ugh I needed to hear this tonight. ❤

[@TheTattooedCatholic]

I have FMS, CFS, and ADHD and I almost cried when he described it 😭🩵🫂💙 it's devastating to not be able to trust your own brain all the time.

[@silver_crone]

Right?! It’s a scary thing to experience, but it makes it a little less scary when I see I’m not alone in it.

[@mikewalsh6103]

@@silver_crone agreed (schizoaffective disorder bipolar type for me).

[@abbyburns3127]

Ah! My people! My POTS/fibro brain fog is still so hard to explain to people years into this.

[@malechiken698]

Hank I hope you see this. A sleep meditation to help sleep. 1. Breathe deep and slow, 2. Imagine the air is heavy. 3. Imagine your skin and air are the same. 4. Use an imagined eraser to erase the border between skin and air. 5. You are everything and then you will fall asleep. I hope this helps!

[@anniesoernym]

I hope it helps Hank! But I, imagining myself doing it at night whilst actually in this moment being fully awake, immediately dissociated and felt fearful. Sooo... This meditation might not be for everyone.

[@Alicia-zf3nq]

@anniesoernym What may also help is to simply slow down your breathing. I often fall asleep to someone just guiding me through a box-breathing exercise. So it's like breathing in for 4 seconds, holding it for 4, breathing out for 4 and then waiting 4 seconds before breathing in again for those 4 seconds. Breathing slowly tricks your brain into thinking it's relaxed so then you become relaxed

[@dooreric6362]

really wonderful seeing people, especially public figures, speaking on mental health issues. I love the progress that society has made in this regard. Really goes to show that we're capable of good. Thank you Hank.

[@kchortu]

We do not do these things because they are easy. We do these things because we thought they would be easy but now we care to much about them to stop. Is one of the most REAL statements ever.

[@ravenayers5563]

You and John talking openly about mental health has made me feel less “less than”.

[@ItWasSaucerShaped]

if you feel like you need a break, please just take a break yes, you can take a break. you are allowed to take breaks and in fact must do so to continue putting the kind of energy and volume of energy that's needed into projects you want to succeed

[@myboatforacar]

Comparative suffering is a pointless thing. If you feel it, it's real.

[@gutsymovies]

Cancer survivor here. Large Diffuse B Cell Lymphoma stage 4. I'm about 4 1/2 years so my risk is quickly going down but I still have moments of anxiety. My memory is also changed. I do lots of brain exercises like try to memorize poems or learn new songs on guitar. Recovering from cancer is both physically and mentally challenging. The progress we make is proportional to the work we put in. Stay the course Hank.

[@dragonflies6793]

The beanie furbs office is incredible, I am so glad I watched to the end

[@sarahloomis2034]

I like that we are not only fans of you and John, but of each other. Nerdfightaria forever! DFTBA ❤

[@Maistra13]

Okay but that miniature office at the end is adorable, it brought me joy

[@osmia]

+

[@JF-qf4oq]

Ok I love that your dad runs the matching donor program. Mr. Green, you have great sons.

[@franklinforge7806]

For the 8:33 min of the video, I felt ok with the world. Thank you!

[@sweetestpotato4392]

“We don’t do these things because they’re are easy. We do them because we thought they would be easy and now we care too much about them to stop.” The feels 🙌💜🙌

[@fizz0514]

DUDE. The short-term memory loss is KILLER. I've got some other long-lasting noticeable changes, but overall I'm doing pretty well. Live on my own and take care of myself absolutely without issue. But short-term memory is the one thing that is SIGNIFICANTLY worse than it was in my previous life. I'm right around 7 years post-treatment at this point and it is so frustrating!

[@NHikel319]

Holy cow, it's already been 18 months! Keep at it man! You mean a lot to a lot of people, myself included. You've fostered one of the greatest communities on the Internet and we're all in your corner.😊

[@aravae165]

My doctors told me that nerves don't recovery like other parts and that some of my neuropathy wasn't going to get better, and it did. It was slow, like on the scale of 5-15 years I can see the improvement that I didn't at 1-2 years. There's always hope.

[@AzariaSpace1]

I had top surgery in May 2021 (so like 3.5 years ago) and can definitely tell my nerves are healing! Good to know they can continue to do so 🎉

[@rachelny5209]

I'm glad to know that 😔 Sometimes my nerve damage seems almost completely healed, and then it gets worse. Very nonlinear

[@gljames24]

Nerves on average take 7 years to regrow so that makes sense.

[@sIightIybored]

I had a cyst removed 4 years ago and the nerves stopped tingling after 2 years and the feeling is starting to come back now. I don't know if I'll ever move that bit of lip again, or feel the patch of leg I injured as a teenager. 50/50 on nerves getting better!

[@-biki-]

i have nerve damage in my legs from sciatica and post surgery, have variable feeling. it's weird. if i don't do elliptical exercises for 7+ days, my foot/leg goes all spicy static and i can get full toe to hip charlie horses... but if i do, i can feel things again and it's always weird and relieving to feel things click back to life.

[@ChelissaMoon]

I didn’t realize the treatments left lasting impacts after people have recovered. Thanks for sharing that. I’ll be mindful.

[@NO0MMM]

Anxiety is probably the most likely the reason for you being tired, and can be the reason for the issues with memory as well. Anxiety feeds off a lot of energy because instinctively the brain prioritize it. Anxiety is basically fear+alertness and that is how we stay alive (being afraid of dangerous situations or run/fight off predators). Anxiety can create brain fog and bad memory for the same reason. Your brain becomes exhausted and things does not “click” the same. But it’s trainable and fixable #neuroplasticity

[@nisc2001]

Hank, I am a 23 year old, i'm very likely neurodivergent, i am also an ex-highschool actor and gifted kid who rarely studied. I memorized periodic table songs and the preamble to the constitution, many numbers of Pi, Shakespeare monologues and long raps for either fun, party tricks, or personal perceived benefit. I remembered all of my upcoming homework due dates and major school events without needing to write them down or constantly reference my papers. I gave my mother confused looks when she didn't remember something i remembered clearly telling her a few days ago like "X event is this time" or "we're out of ranch". Remembering things, was my thing. I made remembering things a part of who i was and how i operated. I prioritized keeping my mind a steel trap and constantly educated so that by the time i'm in my 60's my mind will still be kicking and strong. ....I AM NOT THAT ANYMORE, i forget that my DnD session is on saturdays, i forget conversations i've supposedly had last week, i forget if i've had a food before, i write down my appointments and i need day before reminders. I forget that i didn't put away the cooked meat or where that one really important thing got stored. Is my mind slipping? i don't necessarily think so, my short term memory is not what it once was, but I am also not who i once was. I was that "smart" person who never let anyone forget it and thought they could win in almost any battle of wits, i thought it was all figured out. It was not, there are people smarter than me, i cannot know everything possible, i openly embrace the kind of behaviors i once called "stupid" because they're actually more fun than what i restricted myself to as an "intellectual". I have changed as a person since my highschool graduation, my mind has changed to accommodate the things that i actually need to remember and can't write down. I've had to learn to accommodate my own changes in memory and i am still relatively young. So, point is, you can change, your memory can change and sometimes that's just reflective of what you need at the moment, there is no shame in writing it all down, needing to check for yourself if you fed the pets or took the meat out to defrost on the right day. I have a friend who's a cancer survivor (don't know what type) around my age, he has a short term memory maybe worse than mine but one he can still live with. I can't say if that was a result of cancer as i never knew him before it, that's not enough to say that cancer affects your memory, but i just also want to offer that simply time and change can too.

[@healthycathy9782]

We have scarily similar life stories. Give us a hug, mate! ❤

[@rasmusn.e.m1064]

I feel you. My continuous memory slipped at age 18, not because of age but because of a cocktail of anti-psychotic meds, anxiety and depression, in reverse order. Misdiagnosis was the worst thing that happened in my life, but also the best; I learned to prize other things about myself than my intellectual abilities, which were severely hampered by my blocked dopamine receptors. Mainly just being a nice person and not worrying about leaving an impact after I die. It's almost like the ephemeral nature of your mind should remind you that everything you know is a sandcastle decaying one grain of sand per arbitrary time unit until it suddenly slips away. But it's a freaking castle!

[@cameronschyuder9034]

@@rasmusn.e.m1064I love the sandcastle analogy, so thank you. I may not even remember I made the damn castle, but it at least existed ;u;

[@erinmac4750]

​@@rasmusn.e.m1064 That's such a beautiful analogy! I hope you don't mind if I borrow it. 🏰💜🫂🍀

[@adityakhanna113]

Hats off to you for coming to such a nice empathetic realization!

[@Starlysh]

Anxiety can kick rocks. Big fan of this community, too. Thanks for starting it.

[@leoismaking]

We ARE all Ships of Theseus. All we can do is keep moving forward, and accept the changes as best we can. And remember, and maybe learn.

[@quackandcat]

OH MY GOD I love Beanie’s office!! He’s a working lad ❤️ Also, very much appreciate that you’re open about going to therapy. There’s far too much stigma around seeking therapy when it’s such a lifesaving service (like it’s been for me) that should be more accessible to people and have no shame associated with it. I’m glad you’re doing okay, and I hope your anxiety becomes more manageable/lessens soon. Anxiety sucks ass but I’m glad you have the support you need to help cope with it Sending you all much love! ❤️✨ DFTBQ+🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[@stetonwalters574]

Bro you're not weak show off your Battle scars. You looked a beast in the eye and said do your worst and I'll do mine. And you sir you came out on top.

[@misteryA555]

Changes to your body are always hard. Whether it's puberty, an accident, and illness, or just getting older, nobody makes it out of this world unscathed. We're all in this with you, Hank. And you're in this with us.

[@mostlyvoid.partiallystars]

I’m feeling this as someone aging and dealing with health stuff too haha. It strangely helps to not feel alone in the struggles despite wishing others didn’t struggle as well 🤷🏻‍♀️🫶🏻

[@mousestripedgrass2123]

+

[@jenniferburns2530]

Thank you for acknowledging that serious illness (and the treatments for it) cause long-term and some times permanent changes. We have expectations that diagnoses and treatment will restore us to our previous state, but rarely is that the case. We need to understand it as more of transition rather than a reset.

[@flickeringflame216]

Can't wait for the day when I have sufficient income to support wonderful projects like this! Broke college student here who is so grateful for the work everyone at Complexly and DFTBA does to decrease world suck ♡

[@Abijean]

The existential threat you feel when your brain changes how it functions is so real. I’ve also been struggling with short term memory while treating my chronic migraine and it’s been terrifying not knowing if this will come back. But humans are such cool adaptive beings and we figure it out and we keep trying to do our best. Just, please rest my dude.

[@oliverrose7796]

Thank you for maintaining such an amazing fanbase for so many years. I drifted away from watching vlogbrothers regularly in college, but when I started back up it felt like coming home. I am proud to call myself a nerdfighter, now and forever. I know you and John won't be posting videos forever, but the impacts you've had on this world cannot be understated. Thank you for doing this work.

[@JakeBroe]

I'm still here with you Hank. I've been a proud Nerdfighter since 2009 and the values I've learned from this community carries over into my channel and my videos. Thank you for being such a positive force for good in the world.

[@Zelvorphis]

As a scishow audience member who didn't know how it came to existence, I'm very thankful that it does exist. I'm also excited as a young person who only recently started earning disposable income to have the opportunity to be a part of it and whatever comes next

[@creamyonions98]

Hank, I am coming upon three years since my own cancer journey, and with that comes a milestone of fewer and more infrequent checkups. Late August will be three years since my last chemo treatment. I cannot articulate just how immense of an impact you have had on me. You began your journey shortly after my treatment ended and I began the long road to recovery; you sharing your own journey and putting into words the thoughts and feelings with which I was struggling to cope played such a profound role in my healing process. I cannot thank you enough for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and seen during such tumultuous and deeply personal events. Thank you.

[@ChancePhilbin]

Hank this is like exactly what my dad went through about a decade ago and posting this is the exact opposite of showing weakness. He hid his cancer from us until after major surgical operations because he couldn't hide it at that point. It was so tough to see him talk about it and it must have been 10x as tough for him. That's tuff shit. Be proud of it.

[@sfowler1017]

"I didn't notice [the pain] until I checked" is too real 🤣 But for real, thank you for being open with us, Hank. I hadn't thought of my recent issues as health anxiety BUT THEY TOTALLY ARE. That's an incredibly helpful framework to operate from.

[@null_s3t]

We love you Hank

[@TheKingEagle]

Therapy was one of the better decisions I've made with my life so far. There's absolutely no shame in getting help when you need it. On the lack of sleep, I'm in the same boat.

[@griffithfrancis7004]

Hi Hank, I received a brain injury last year. I really connected with you when you mentioned that functioning with a brain that does not function the way you expect/need/want it to. That meant a lot to me. Thank you.

[@beefybananas]

Hey Hank, I got a traumatic brain injury in the winter of 2021 as a result of a car hitting me while I was cycling. The most significant effect has been a dulling of my mind and a changing of my personality. Although I work a very mentally-taxing job, the hardest change I have had to make has been in lowering my own personal standards for quality and speed to match my current abilities rather than my old ones. It has helped knowing that I’m not alone in this and knowing that my standards for myself are still way above anyone else’s for me, but it’s something I expect to struggle with for the rest of my life. I will continue to do what I can where I can for as long as I can to make the world suck that little bit less. The world is pretty shitty right now, and looks to be getting shittier for the next while, there are pockets of it getting noticeably better through the hard work of you, John, and everyone in Nerdfightaria. It always seems impossible until it is done.

[@Confusingly_laura]

I finished chemo in April. I never had great short or long term memory to begin with, but it is a lot harder now. It's hard for people around me who haven't gone through this first hand to understand that it has irrevocably changed me even though I look better and am done with treatment. And it's hard to accept that I am more limited mentally than I used to be. I feel left behind in many ways with life too. I hope it's not permanent, but just something that will take longer to recover from. But now I take every day one day at a time, and that is not a bad thing.

[@ElTrainerMah-Knee]

Hank is my favorite shade of green. Thanks for all your efforts.

[@SudaNIm103]

Hearing you talk openly about your sequelae* makes me feel better about my own. Word of the Day: Sequelae - The pathological after effect resulting from a disease, injury, therapy, or other trauma.

[@Finkeldinken]

Oooh! Thank you for the new word! I was always an avid collector, but it has been a while since I caught a new word in the wild!

[@erinmac4750]

Cool, a new word! As one of those weirdos who read dictionaries as a kid, I don't often come across new ones. 💚✌️😸

[@Rosterrecharge]

Thanks!

[@maspreguntassinrespuestas]

You two are the greatest thing that happened on the internet. Seriously

[@rebeccaswildlife]

I haven't commented on a video in a long time, but I've been following vlogbrothers for a very very very long time and I'm very grateful that you're still giving us a glimpse into your life, even when things aren't going so smoothly. I'm also glad you're kind of doing OK, even if you're not really OK, but you're a little bit OK, because you will definitely be OK again at some undetermined point in the future. Regardless, you're doing a great job Hank and I hope you feel much better soon. DFTBA.

[@marydefir8068]

Hank! Thank you so much for your vital bit of info on how cancer treatment can change a person, and for sharing your vulnerability in maybe not being yourself after treatment. This Ship of Theseus salutes you.

[@Emm1738]

Oh Hank, I FEEL this one. About seven years ago, I fell ill with autoimmune encephalitis, and while all the weird neuro stuff, the psychosis, was not fun, the cognitive impairment was by far the most distressing to me personally. And it was so difficult to explain to my care providers why it was so distressing to me. But my ability to think clearly and have a sharp mind is such a fundamental part of my personality that I'm willing to trade a fairly hefty amount of physical disability, if it means my mind will stay intact. Take consolation in the knowledge that after I completed a course of absurdly high IV corticosteroids five years ago, every single year it's just gotten better and better. I feel like I'm sharper now than I was before I got sick just because I CARE about it so much more now that I know what it's like to lose it. Just continuing to perform cognitively intensive tasks during those five years and I feel like 100% of my ability has returned at this point. That's not a promise, naturally, but I really do think that it's exactly the same as doing physical therapy when you have a physical disability. For me, at least, it was responsive to ongoing mental exercise.

[@TheRavenfish9]

Whew doggy do I feel you on the existentialism of cognitive change. I survived a brain tumor (and many thousand seizures) and it had a pretty big impact on my cognition. It's hard to reimagine yourself afterward, so I feel for you Hank. If it helps, spoon theory has been a really helpful thing for me to conceptualize my new capacity and a good language to relate to others with. It's okay to not be okay right now while you're figuring it out and I just wanna say we appreciate you and it's okay to just be real with us like this. Some days are hard. Hugs to you.

[@Madamoizillion]

Similar concept, I really like "fork theory." As someone with a few cognitive/neurobehavorial disorders, it's helped me a lot, since spoon theory felt too finite and confining for my personal situation. In case anyone reading this hasn't heard of it before: Visualize various obstacles, situations, statuses, or hardships that impact your functioning as forks stuck into your body, and they can be tiny cocktail forks up to big ole pitchfork-sized forks. Example: a comparatively small but not insignificant fork is the irritating hangnail on my finger right now, while a massive pitchfork is the American political situation. I can try to shed the forks I have control over in an attempt to better handle the big ones that just have to exist. And it's a tool to extend grace to myself in that yeah, it's hard to function when you've got a massive pitchfork sticking out of your chest, like no wonder you're struggling with writing that email.

[@isabelab6851]

Thank you for being open about the after effects of cancer treatment. I am 10 years out. I still have neuropathy. I also had to learn to live with short term memory loss.it got better over time but it shows up more when I am tired. Also true of neuropathy. The stress you are experiencing the good kind of stress…of doing good things. It still has to be managed. Thank you for what you do. It is a good place for me to be when other things do not seem good

[@allielabr]

Your perspective on working with a different brain just helped me recontextualize how I do work...thank you... sincerely, a college student navigating multiple chronic illness diagnoses

[@iamrjdennis]

We love you, Hank! 💛

[@OrangeTithonia]

For all of us, please do take it easy to get through this tricky probability spot in your recovery. You are sooooooo loved by sooooo many. Thank you for all you do!

[@Naiadryade]

Awww, well now I feel all warm and fuzzy 🥰

[@abbybranch580]

The changes in memory you’ve experienced hit different. Ever since I got really sick in high school, my severe brain fog totally changed the way I interact with the world and manage everyday life. Interesting to hear someone else describe that sort of experience. It really was an existential thing for me - I was big into academics and now that’s a lot harder for me. Life in general is a lot harder now, so thank you for mentioning your own experience

[@evalevy2909]

Hank i relate to so much of this. Since having my thyroid cancer removed, nothing in me functions the way it used to and i feel like I've aged 30 years. Please know that you are profoundly loved

[@slayer2450]

It's alright Hank, it's is brave for you to come out to say that you're not ok. Don't be ashame of the lows of your life, I want everyone to know that there will always be highs and lows to ones life and it is ok to ask for help if needed, never be afraid to reach out.

[@pantitapalittapongarnpim1581]

What I've learned from being chronically sick is that being sick just changed how we function and significantly in how our brains work. And another part of it is just how mortality works. We just get worse a little but at a time and this is a glimpse of the trajectory we are all going into the future lest we forget. I talk about that with my therapist from time to time. But mostly I talk to her about how to improve and cope with it because in my case the change is very substantial and significant. And I still need to be able to go back to work and support myself.

[@AudraK]

My mom just finished chemo and is also recovering from malnutrition. Her brain is fried absolutely fried. PLUS I had a lot of anxiety and almost stopped sleeping for a handful of months. My brain has changed and my memory is lacking. I absolutely understood what you said on knowing that your brain has changed and how existential that felt. I’m the same person while also not feeling like the same person, and recognizing the difference in my memory and abilities. Like I was transplanted a new brain or something.

[@Jellyfishfan24]

Thank you for talking about your struggle with short term memory. After COVID, it feels like each time my brain gets worse. I feel like I have a computer with a huuuge hard drive and the shittiest RAM. I feel like I can literally lose something in my hand. And knowing I used to be better just fucks me up. It's messed with who I am as a person. But knowing I'm not alone helps.

[@LoneLupine]

You're doing great. The autistic urge to compare my problems to yours is strong (I have nerve ending damage and brain functioning issues too, for different reasons) but have been told that's rude. Anyway, thank you for all the great work you do! It doesn't make you weak to admit your problems/worries, it's just being vulnerable and it's totally fine. Keep up the great work

[@Madamoizillion]

I'm also neurodivergent, so take that for what it's worth, but I don't think it's rude as a comment. You're not comparing, you'd be relating and empathizing. Especially in a situation like leaving a comment, which is distinct from a social interaction like a back-and-forth conversation.

[@kaylinsmith6921]

You're not comparing. You're attempting to relate to someone, to show, "Hey, you're not alone. I have that, too." The people who find it rude are those that are self-involved enough to believe that you're trying to steal the focus or one-up them. That's on them to sort through. Not you.

[@timmitchell9021]

My short-term memory (and also spelling for some reason) got trashed by years of insomnia, so I feel you. Learning to rely more on notes has been challenging for me as well.

[@danpavelko8414]

Thank you, Hank, for putting so much time and effort into all of your projects. They are all positive endeavors for the community and the world and you and your brother are two of my favorite KZbinrs for this reason.

[@danpavelko8414]

P.S. - I still have no idea how you get so much done with only 24 hours in the day.

[@Nill2323-l8s]

One day you’ll look back on this video and give yourself a mental hug. Keep going, Hank!

[@chrisbenoit5044]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@bestaneierflott1195]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@47151632]

Yes baire_tyler1, I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.

[@bestaneierflott1195]

Is he on instagram ?

[@47151632]

baire_tyler1 is the man

[@bestaneierflott1195]

On Instagram?

[@Bakneator]

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 months ago, and we're currently going through chemo and radiation treatments. This video makes me very optimistic for the future, helped me see things from her point of view about how she might be feeling, and I needed that. Thank you.

[@Clockworkbio]

5:45 oh my god it’s BEYOND hard.

[@blu_indi9333]

You have anxiety due to cancer. It will amplify any other anxieties. I am 6 yrs from finishing chemo and I still have tingling in my right foot. I don't think it will go away. The only pain I continue to have is from the surgeries or from side effects from the hormone blockers I am on. Chemo brain is a real thing and I still have it. Although, I am experiencing a lot of migraines lately. I am glad you are feeling like you have recovered as much as you will. Every time I think that something comes along and knocks me out. I am constantly getting sick, experiencing extreme fatigue, dealing with PTSD triggers, etc. I do hope that as the years continue on, you will continue to feel recovery has gotten closer to 100%.