Am I Really Trans?

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This is a topic I don't think gets talked about enough, but which we really need to. We all want to show our confident sides, but that's not helpful for people who are questioning and think their doubt means they're not trans enough. Whether you're doubting your gender, how to transition, or just feeling self-conscious in comparison to other trans people, this video is for you.
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👋 I'm Jackson Bird and I make (hopefully) funny, (sometimes) educational videos for LGBTQ+ nerds like me - and the people in our lives that want to understand us better.
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[@felight5700]

Dysphoria: an unstoppable force Doubt: an immovable object

[@jls769597]

Out of all the comments, this was pure genius to me. This summed up my thoughts and feelings as of late. I’m only on my second dose of T and it’s slow going, but I feel neutral, good but neutral. Like I made an important movement forward and am along for the ride.

[@Sharkakaka]

Trans person this is happening to: Infinite PAIN

[@jamesbell3255]

it’s so weird because I will have crippling dysphoria and it’s made me wanna end my own life and still my brain will oddly be like *are u really trans tho*

[@braydenkelley9938]

THIS COMMENT IS SO FUNNY AND RELATABLE IM ROLLING💀💀

[@thilo7186]

I can relate so strongly it hurts to laugh at this

[@Just_One_Tree]

@@thilo7186 same here 😂😭😭😭😭

[@hannahlyon2227]

WHAT WHY IS THIS SO RELATABLE I- ARE WE COUSINS? Oop 1 year late

[@bones1555]

LITERALLY SAME

[@ArthurOfThePond]

Growing up I always wanted a male body, but I never really felt gender that strongly. When I first came across a transgender person, I was so excited to realize what testosterone could do to my body, but at the same time I felt unsure I was really trans. Everyone I saw online seemed to feel so sure and certain in their gender identity. Compared to their stories, how they knew they *needed' to transition, I felt like my lack of certainty made me a fraud. I would worry that I was simply trying to fit in somewhere. I worried that I wanted a male body so much that I was conjuring proof of my transness by taking a bunch of unrelated issues I'd had throughout my life and forcing them to be trans related - like taking a bunch of symptoms and deciding this is the root of them. Mostly I worried that I was trying to sabotage my own life. At the same time, though, I also knew that these thoughts always started up late at night, when I'd had a bad day, and that they were often accompanied by fears that if I transitioned I'd be alone, die alone and never be loved again. In other words I was terrified of a future I didn't know. Still, knowing that fear was likely the cause of my doubt it took me a year of back and forth before I finally decided to start hrt. The first day I took hormones was a turning point for me. I made a final choice and stood by it, and that felt so liberating. In the end I didn't care if I was born trans, had been socialized trans or even if I was "trans enough". What mattered to me was that I looked towards the future, near and distant, pictured myself as the man I wanted to be and felt happy and content with what I saw.

[@classicrockteen1784]

Arthur very well put.

[@translocated]

oh god that is so fucking relatable, thank you

[@giorgia9922]

I feel the exact same way.

[@yesouioo]

Good sir, you’ve inspired me. I’m going to embrace myself more now. Thank you.

[@MatNefer]

Wow, I relate to so much of what you said, especially concerning the insecurities and feelings of being a fraud about not feeling sure of what my gender was for so long while everyone else seemed to be so sure. I didn't start hormone therapy, yet. I'm scared to transiton because here in Italy, especially in Sicily where I live, society is so backward and transphobic. I get bullied almost everytime I go outside just because I wear nail polish and have long hair. I'm moving to Australia so I'm considering to wait to transition until I live there, but I don't really want to wait anymore after waiting for so long.

[@stelloola]

"Its hard to see yourself as your gender when the world doesnt see you that way" sorry i need to write this down to remind myself when im doubting my transness

[@seans.silly.little.life.]

same here. that one really hit hard. also, i love your pfp!!! knife man is my favorite AJJ album!!

[@AmethystLune14]

You’re not “tr@nz”, because it doesn’t exist, as it’s just a trend and lucrative capitalist/corporatist industry (synthetic hormones and cosmetic surgeries). You’re simply a man or a woman choosing your own fashion/style/grooming/behaviour/activities. Gender is literally another word for “sexist stereotypes”. Defy it.

[@i3ignorantidelweb43]

I need that too, I even once gave up “being a man” and denied being trans but it always chased me and I have doubts and yk it’s just crap

[@charlieogden5833]

the stuff about telling people you're a man when you don't feel it yet but it is deep down really hits home. You put my feelings into words. I didn't know how much I needed this video until now thank you

[@SomeOne-nl4nh]

Unrelated but we have basically the same name and thought it was kinda cool.

[@charlieogden5833]

@@SomeOne-nl4nh omg twins!!!!!!

[@SomeOne-nl4nh]

@@charlieogden5833 Nice, wasn't expecting that

[@LondonPark27]

If you don't feel it yet that might mean that it's not necessary to medically transition. Try to explore yourself, the affects of your previous life experience and your psychology before you convince yourself to get a sex change off a youtube video!

[@charlieogden5833]

John Anderson well now that i am 11 months on testosterone and 2 months post top surgery i can now say that i have made the best decision of my life to medically transition. If I didn’t medically transition I would’ve definitely killed myself! I wasn’t “convincing” myself that I was trans from a youtube video cause I’ve known my whole life and waited 4 years to finally transition.

[@dawntavishflynn8802]

I genuinely can't tell if I'm experiencing doubt over my transness or just authentic genderfluidity. *kitchen burns* This is fine

[@junicure6962]

hey i know it's been a while but.. how are things now?

[@artsybatz]

ME TOO

[@wesleywellens5942]

i feel the same way, I don't know if im fully trans or if I'm gender fluid or this or that. it's all confusing

[@billier1882]

kookiesandtae I’m feeling the same thing. I love being a women, but sometimes I get super dysphoric. I’m fine with being called she/her (I think??) but if feels good when someone mistakes me for a boy. It’s so complicated

[@danmanm9205]

same

[@ethanp2889]

I haven’t felt dysphoria for my whole life. I started feeling dysphoria around the time I started puberty and ever since then I’ve always doubted me actually being trans. I’ve been going by different pronouns for 8 months and I love them as well as started going by Ethan. The thing that really makes me doubt myself is that I don’t feel dysphoria all the time (which I know is normal but my mind hates me-)

[@user-bp5kl4yt8h]

Ethan :p i relate to this a bit too much lmao. I struggle with the same thing!

[@quin7102]

omfg!!! ive never related so much, im happy to know im not alone lol i thought i was the only one

[@primetrollex8071]

That's because you have a "disease" called gender disphoria which can fade away into adulthood so be careful with life altering descions you make now because you might regret them in the future

[@user-bp5kl4yt8h]

@@primetrollex8071 wait, how do you know this?

[@stillchokingbloodatthedisc6221]

Hey me too!!

[@veganarchistcommunist3051]

Finally coming to terms with yourself and having that moment of pure bliss and euphoria, that feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off of you, just to start going through the questioning and confusion again is heartbreaking.

[@yoshiyahu2135]

this^ I self-realized about a month ago and that feeling of a weight being lifted off of me is so incredibly accurate and all the intense emotions that ensued after the fact and yet still throughout all of it despite the intensity of each emotion and convictions in the moment of those emotions I still went through doubt and confusion

[@-toby-329]

YES I swear it hurts so much sometimes. When I was faced with the first realisation that I prefer being called Toby and he/him pronouns I felt so happy and a weight was lifted of my shoulders, for a good few weeks, then all this came crashing down and it's awful.

[@charlieleseman7847]

@@-toby-329 Toby is such a good name choice! /gen

[@-toby-329]

@@charlieleseman7847 aw thankyou, it has a lot of meaning to me :)

[@chloeleo]

wow yeah this is what im struggling with right now, i have brief moments of euphoria and feeling the weight being lifted off my shoulders and then a few hours later i doubt everything

[@vesper6638]

For me this doubt is even worse than dysphoria because it shakes me to the core of who I feel I am. I’m so grateful to finally hear, in such a well thought out way, that this doubt is a normal and sensible part of the trans experience. Thank you so much 💖

[@ashh.491]

If your doubt is that bad, you probably aren't trans. The majority of people aren't, so anyway this could be a sign

[@mindofmatt7999]

Same doubt, don’t worry. Is difficult because you never know that could be possible(being trans I meant)

[@bigboy5023]

@@ashh.491 They could have ocd which makes doubt way way worse I have it and it can really be rough

[@midnull6009]

If you're doubt is that bad...that's not a good sign.

[@kingcharizardakaCX]

Same I have been feeling doubt a lot recently and last night dysphoria hit me and I started crying because I didn’t really know if I was trans even though I believe I am, my parents I just came out to like a week ago haven’t called me my preferred name(Charlie he/him) and i couldn’t get sleep it sucks.

[@sleepydotio]

Oh here we go. I have just started doubting my gender, I was assigned female at birth and have been going with female since. I just recently decided to try genderfluid and found that being called “he/him” and my new boy name just felt good. I have thought I was a girl for 16 years and all of a sudden it really doesn’t feel right. I am so utterly scared and confused.

[@blueishashes9605]

Hey, you've written this comment quite a while ago and I'm wondering how you're doing and what you decided to do? I'm in a similar situation right now and maybe you could tell me about yours if you feel comfortable with it :)

[@psychedelicfew1792]

@@blueishashes9605 I’m actually in the same boat. I once cut my hair too short and at the time my uniform vest flattened me enough where I would continuously be called sir. I didn’t mind, in fact I kinda relished in it. Joked about it a lot then. Now there are times I really want to be a man and others I’m happy to just be whatever. Reddit has been helping

[@blueishashes9605]

@@psychedelicfew1792 I think social transitioning is more important to me, but I have cut my hair short and flatten my chest. I'm still not quite sure because I don't really experience gender dysphoria and more a disconnect to being female. It's a struggle to figure out. Thank you for sharing your experiences!! :)

[@vintagewitching]

All women have felt like that. There is an old archaic power to he/him based on years of female oppressions. Don't let it get to you. And besides, your gender has never had the power to dictate what kind of person you become. Get through your younger years with grace and patience. Focus on your goals. You are already powerful. Much love.

[@nola4364]

@@vintagewitching TERF energy?

[@arsonanarchybunny5541]

I was arguing with my parents and at one point my dad said: I mean what you know know how much it is to call you a He? Can you imagine if I said this is our son? They’d look at me like I was crazy. Like, your not a boy. You’re a girl.” They asked what if they refuse to call me a He. And I said I would move out as soon as I’m older and it’s possible. They told me I was threatening them.... I know I’m a trans male. But I’m always bombarded with opinions. I hate my life right now.

[@quin7102]

Trinity Diviney im really sorry thats happening :( i really hope your parents accept you some day. you arent alone, my parents dont accept trans ppl and say they dont respect pronouns because they dont want to be “lying”. im super sorry and i hope you feel better!

[@N-haran]

Hey, I was in the same situation about 4 months ago. I know what it is and I hope it has got better since this comment.

[@animesniperwolf1710]

i hope things are better for you. you are my son now and im your dad your gay trans dad 😭❤️ you also have another dad now so we are your dads even if we are in highschool idc im your dad 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@elliotcorona8744]

Hey it’s been a year! How are you?!

[@spookiestking9353]

I am proud of you keep fighting

[@crapet8144]

I just see the trans community and see how many people there are. It's daunting. What if I really am just wrong? I can't imagine having to live as a woman, I don't SEE myself as a woman, I'm NOT a woman. Even the word "woman" gives me a.. crap feeling. But it's just that I feel invalid due to the inflation of trans kids that started suddenly existing. I know that's due to acceptance and social media but hey. Social media is another thing, I was calling myself a boy before I even knew what social media meant, but there's still a part of me that thinks "Well what if you saw a trans man happy and thought it'd solve all of your problems?" I don't know, I don't want to make a decision that will forever ruin my life. But I want to make a decision that will make my life a lot better. This is the same decision... W h y couldn't I have just been born CIS.

[@twentyeight602]

SAME

[@mrsquiddicles8941]

I’ve also thought of the sudden spike in trans youth but I’ve realised its because of the awareness. I vaugly remember having thoughts in my childhood of like I wish I were born a boy and really dreading puberty (not in an ew gross way but in a intense fear way) Had I never seen a trans man or heard about the topic I never would have put two and two together myself. I would have lived my life miserable and dysphoric whithout knowing why. I could be wrong but its something to think about

[@czerkitka141]

Maybe because you are just a mysoginistic woman who doesn’t like the word „woman” Because toy know - at the end of the day it doesn’t mean anyhting, it just means you’re female and you can still be a masculine person and hella awesome as a woman - it’s just a word you know?

[@kendallglover2215]

I feel this

[@mxragnarok3986]

Like he said doubt is natural I'm enby (AFAB) and I still doubt am I enby am I a guy am I just making a big mistake but You jsuted said you wished you were cis so.. You're not Take your time to figure who you are and what step of transition are right for you but trust your gut feeling

[@mousey3784]

Even knowing that gender dysphoria naturally fluctuates, I tend to get panicky when I find myself /not/ hating my more feminine attributes. When I find myself /not/ dysphoric, and /not/ so uncomfortable with myself that I'm in tears. Of course, I know deep down that it's a nice break, and that it's normal, but I hesitate and fear that I'm wrong. Maybe it was 'just a phase'. My biggest concern recently has been finding my name. I've changed it 4 times now, and still can't find what feels right. I fear that my friends and such are growing tired of the changes, but I can't go around with a name that isn't mine. The most panic-inducing issue is when I end up accidentally misgendering myself or using my own birth name, just because I've LIVED with that for so long. Hearing that that in itself is normal was... I can't even describe how much better I felt. Anyways, you probably won't see this Jackson- but this video, along with basically every single other video you've made has helped me so, so very much, and I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. 💕

[@jupjur995]

Honestly I thought gender dysphoria was constant. Does me not feeling completely terrible being called female when my dysphoria isnt that bad okay? Like I like dressing feminine sometimes and when people call me female it doesnt really bother me cause I know I look like a girl and I'm super used to it...but I dont feel like a girl, I like looking like one sometimes but I still want a deep manly voice and facial hair

[@mousey3784]

@@jupjur995 Like I started out my former comment, dysphoria naturally fluctuates- and it's different for every person! Some days I feel entirely comfortable when people see me as female, or when I'm forced to dress as a female. I've found that it's the same for most people :) everyone has different experiences with gender dysphoria, so don't feel for a moment that you aren't valid, cause you definitely are!

[@bisforbroccoli830]

You'll figure out your name and it's okay to explore which one feels right. I've changed my name a bunch of times too lol

[@chaennobon3851]

me too, i havent come out irl to people j know yet but i have this fear that im not actually trans or anything because im not super uncomfortable hearing my birth name and pronouns but its because thats all ive heard my whole life so thats what im used to..

[@maximellow5745]

Not finding your name is such a struggle. I went from Alex to Noah, to Maximlian, to Oliver, to just my birthname slightly spelled differntly because knocking the -e off a french name makes it masc. It's completely normal to not find one that sticks immediatly.

[@bananasloth99]

I didn't come out as trans until I was 28. I spent a lot of my life in denial, trying out loads of styles and trying to convince myself I hadn't found my expression of femininity. I was so uncomfortable in my body that I spent 18-26 in a haze of drugs and alcohol, I just needed to numb how raw my feelings were all the time. I felt like a fraud at all times, I was pretending to be a girl. I am not sporty, I'm not tough, I'm not all these things that toxic masculinity told me made a man so I kept doubting. It took years to realise that I'm a tender, soft, nerdy boy. There's not one way to be masculine. I doubted even when my friends using he/him pronouns for me nearly split my face in half with a smile. I knew it was true when I first put on a binder, when my body felt like mine for the first time in 17 years. After I told my parents, my mum shared that she always thought that even when I was happy I seemed slightly sad. I didn't know why I was sad, but I think I was sad that I was pretending. Any time the doubts creep in, I think, "you don't have to pretend to anymore".

[@SunnyCress]

Jesus that ending was poetic

[@okamiangles7121]

Thank you for sharing your story! It's great to know that I'm not the only one who feels similarly!

[@militarydeviltube5014]

I'm very glad you shared this! It helps

[@krisk.8776]

I had doubt before I started T. I actually cancelled my Dr.’s appointment and waited 6 months because I was feeling doubt. I have been on T for 6 months now and I have never felt more like myself. Sometimes the doubt isn’t there to tell you not to do something, but it’s there to slow you down so you can be really ready when you do.

[@frisk6375]

It's so accurate with coming out too

[@sylvanwho176]

I love that--"it's there to slow you down so you can be really ready when you do"

[@mochatokah]

I misgender myself in my mind sometimes, and sometimes I use my deadname in my mind. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

[@GhostOfTheTrees]

Sometimes I still have dreams I’m I’m a girl! Also I feel like I need to hide that I was a super feminine child. But I’m also a super feminine adult male. I also didn’t have gender dysphoria until I was almost 20, I had passing thoughts about wanting to be one of the boys but only in a removed super abstract kind of way. Also my masculinity was super performative for my first like 1.5 years transitioning. Gender is weird and it took me a very long time to land in the place I am today feeling 100% myself in my skin. Thank you for opening up this dialogue!!

[@elenamitchell8498]

I was a super feminine child too... God I empathize!

[@bisforbroccoli830]

Woah I thought I was alone🙂

[@eatmyshit8114]

Holy crud I know this comment if from a while ago, but this has given me so much reassurance in my identity. Thanks you so much for posting it!

[@lightningstormjutsu]

Seeing this actually helps me so much. I've been struggling with my gender identity though my childhood and teenage years. I'm 22 and just came to the realization that I'm trans. I was worrying that it taking this long to figure out was a sign that I'm not. Thank you for posting this! \(^v^ )/ °

[@HMBx02]

I really needed to hear this. I’m 22 and I was questioning my gender for a year or so but I didn’t really think about it so much. Until a few months ago I had a dream I was a trans man and my thoughts have been consumed by what it meant. I did dress more masc in elementary school but middle school and foreword I pushed that side of me away. I am afraid I’m feeling like this bc of my hormonal birth control or my mental issues (I have body dystrophia, depression and anxiety). I go back and forth between feeling really good about continuing down this path or exploring being trans and being so freaking scared I want to revert back to who I was a year ago.

[@soulsensei5542]

I’m FTM, I doubted taking hormones once I realized some of the health risks. The more research I’ve done and meditating on my feelings I see now just having a human body is a risk to any health condition and I deserve to try and see how testosterone will make me feel emotionally and physically. I trust the doctors will monitor my blood levels correctly. I also waited almost a year before I decided to start taking T. Trust yourself!

[@dublbude]

How old are you? How many doctors made the claim of harm? How much experience did said doctors have? How many doctors claim is safe? How much experience do said doctors have?

[@renfricke9109]

Like others have said, I really needed this. My narrative has always been a lot different than the ones we hear over and over. I DIDN'T know I was trans since I was a kid, and that has always made me feel like an impostor.

[@leahkatz3250]

Honestly same! It took me a few years to figure out and I feel 'fake'

[@brandidavis4425]

Yeah. I'm 23 and trying to figure all this out now. There were definitely signs that MIGHT be indicative of being somewhere along the trans* umbrella, but...yeah.

[@nuhuhitsgreywater]

I keep doubting myself because I’m not dysphoric about my chest. I keep thinking I’m a faker or I’m wrong and it’s scary. This video still helped me calm down, though. Thanks

[@mxragnarok3986]

I'm not dysphoria about my chest either! I feel less alone now thanks To be specific I sometimes have disphoria for it if I have something on without binding but if I am topless I'm all good

[@qejckekc]

same! this helps to know its not just me out there ☺️

[@-toby-329]

Same here, well, kind of, I don't have awful dysphoria, like I have rarely cried from it I more so get so irritated and restless and want to rip it off my body, but I only cried once. My dysphoria is mostly mind related and to do with my voice

[@Liowashere]

I feel very similar to this and have been really scared at times! this video helped me calm down too!

[@Gage1999]

Same! I have been out to my family for around 4 years give or take. I have completely socially transitioned, and no longer really have dysphoria which makes me feel like I'm faking it somehow.

[@LM-th7dj]

I really needed to hear this today, thank you so much 💕

[@JemNTheHolograms]

Absolutely agreed. Struggling with these doubts lately and this spoke to my soul.

[@AiZBlind]

Same

[@madelynn7585]

Same my mom just showed me and this video helped

[@Icepiq72]

Ditto. I’m going though my parents doubting my transgenderness and it’s making me doubt myself majorly. This video actually popped up at the perfect moment.

[@marleenrosemary1871]

Same

[@onefluffyredpanda1909]

Sometimes doubt can be right. For a while, I thought I was nonbinary, but I knew I just really wanted to be a girl. I thought it was just internalized enbyphobia, but turns out, I really just convinced myself I couldn’t be a girl. But also when you’re so dysphoric that you’re crying and the doubt is telling you that you’re making it up, it isn’t so good

[@fishbagg]

Ik this is an old comment, but this is me fr, except I went down the nb to transmasc pipeline, hehe. I avoided the possibility I could be a man for a while bc my friends badmouthed men a lot > I felt ashamed for wanting to be/appear more masculine > once I dropped them, I did more introspection > now I feel a tad more confident in who I am, yet I still struggle, hence why I'm watching this video hehe 🐛

[@alexbennet4195]

I mean, particularly if you’ll never pass, you really “can’t” just “be a girl”. You can be a trans woman tho, and if that makes you way less dysphoric, then that might be the way to go

[@alexbennet4195]

@@fishbagg there isn’t really a possibility that you can just “be a man” tho. Particularly if you’ll never pass very well. You can be a “trans man”, but you need to be realistic in your understanding of how people will perceive you and… what you actually are.

[@percethemerman5789]

I just have started medically transition (literally the 3/4th day on hormones) and I vibe with this so much. But honestly, the best thing that reminds me what I see for myself is in the future, am I going to be the old man at the grocery store or the old lady? at least its comforting for us binary trans people. Or how our would wedding would be like if you want to, and all these contexts, like how I see myself as a boyfriend, maybe future dad (who knows) i can say with confidence its always male. No matter how much I doubt my desicions, that euphoria of having a butt that hurts because I was injected with 3 ml of nebido just, fits right in. I do still doubt that maybe Im just wrong, and how will I know? And Im going to get my 2nd shot in 6 weeks, and I get to know and feel a little if its right for me or not, and if its not in the end. Then I can finally sing all the alto songs Ive always wanted just because Im a natural note too high.

[@RoeByrne]

Aye, you’ve been on T almost a year now ... hope you can look at this now and see how far you’ve come :)

[@willreed4239]

i'm so unused to hearing my pronouns used for me that it's exciting and neat as anything but it doesn't half feel pretty weird and it just makes you think, dang am i even trans and is it right or me to ask people to use these pronouns. and it's really hard to feel like a man when no one ever really sees you as one - it just makes you think am i actually trans and stuff even though you look at other men and desperately want to be one. it can be so hard to think, well i am one. it's really reassuring to hear that other trans people have felt the same and sometimes it's more of a process of becoming than having always been, and that doubts don't invalidate that.

[@evag-s5177]

I'm doubting whether or not my dysphoria is bad enough to get top surgery. It takes up a lot of brain space, even though I'm not even in a place to get it at the moment. I want a flat chest, but surgery is major, and scary, and recovery could be really painful.

[@torrinashley6076]

I totally understand. But surgery is not as scary as you think it is. I am sitting here, typing this at 1 month and 3 days post-op

[@boi.9936]

I've heard from people who have had top surgery that it only hurts during the first few days

[@ratbones8172]

Same, I feel like surgery is such a huge step, honestly just binding is adiquate for me

[@dionphonizedwing]

Eva G-S I agree! It’s something I really have to think about, since I personally can’t bind for long periods of time due to some medical issues around my shoulders(lol) so top surgery is def something I have to figure out lol

[@cyclone-studio18]

That my friend is very relatable. Not old enough to even start T yet and basically pre-everything. I want to get top surgery and do T and etc but doubt is a b**ch! I’m scared to get an eye surgery that I might need since my right eye wanders a little and I can’t imagine getting top or bottom surgery but I still can which is what’s so frustrating. I wish that doubt wouldn’t be so annoying :(

[@simply_nebulous]

Can't I just transition without any one noticing (;-;) I know that that's not possible but one can hope.

[@raylyttle2952]

I feel you. A close friend asked when I was gonna tell my family and I told her that I might consider it once I have a full beard.

[@sashasun1402]

As a trans guy with long hair and a lot of anxiety about the whole trans thing, this video was really great to listen to. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak about this.

[@brianb2867]

Hey, as someone who is also a trans guy with long hair, it's nice to hear you mention it because sometimes I feel like I'm the only one, haha. Just because most trans guys prefer it short doesn't mean we all do, and it doesn't make us any less trans than anyone else. :)

[@sashasun1402]

@@brianb2867 !!

[@yumegurren5349]

kinda late but I also have long hair buddy, you're not alone : D

[@qwertyuiopasdfghjkl9879]

im a "metalhead" so i kept my long hair, its great to hear im not the only one.

[@sashasun1402]

@@qwertyuiopasdfghjkl9879 awesome n valid!!

[@Azorua]

My ex boyfriend came back into my life when I was just starting to feel comfortable with my pronouns. He started talking to me saying that he didn’t like that I was being who I truly am. He didn’t want me to transition and he was starting to get into my head all over again. Everyday this happened, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, crying my eyes out because I felt as though maybe I wasn’t trans. I’ve had these extreme thoughts of doubt before, but every time I doubt it, I always get some sign of relief, whether it’s my friends calling me my name or using my correct pronouns. Just today, I was doubting myself. Instead of my mom calling me her daughter, she called me her child on the phone with my grandfather. I knew she wouldn’t call me her son in front of him, so child is good enough for now. Even her slight acceptance makes me feel so much better about myself. My doubt has started to go away now that I’m starting to explore names and everything. The name I had originally picked out was Luka, but now I’m starting to think Nathan. I’m not sure which to choose, but I don’t have to right away. For all of you who read my story, I appreciate it 💕 much love to you all and I hope you all find the love and acceptance you need

[@LovisasMustasch]

you have no idea how much I needed this video! Jackson, I'm so happy you exist. I'm in this state of mind right now and just thank you A LOT.

[@mister6599]

Unus Annus my friend

[@BlahBlah-cm1os]

@@mister6599 momento mori, tick tock, not much time left.

[@legendarybastard5935]

I definitely had doubts about being trans however it didn't start until I started seeing things online about people that did transition and regretted it later. I started to worry that what I was feeling wasn't real and it sucked. But I really took my time to sit down and think about it and my future and all the changes that testosterone would bring and I just knew that I wasn't wrong. All the changes like the voice drop, facial hair, and everything else are things that I have dreamed of having since I was young. Realizing that we all have different experiences also really helped too. Thank you for this video it was nice to hear another trans person finally come out and talk about this kind of thing.

[@blurredwolf2339]

Oof my mom keeps feeding my discomfort by constantly questioning my (still undiscovered) gender identity. And whenever we start to mostly argue at this point about it she starts shoving my face that "what if you start to regret it after 10 years. If you aren't sure about it in an year then you cannot prefer different name or pronouns." like bitch i'm not sure about what I should eat in the morning, i have no idea what I wanna do in the future so what the fuck does she expect??? And that doesn't help my struggles at all

[@-toby-329]

I relate to all of this except for the wanting it when I was young thing. I have some things from my past that could suggest it. Such as immediately pushing away everything associated with girlhood the moment, I found out that if I do those things people will see me as a girl too. The only exceptions were when I was with female cousins or friends and they wanted to do certain things, or when my mum told me to do things. Before the realisation that some things are feminine associated, I just played and dressed however I wanted, which happened to be more feminine since it was all I was actually given. I think that period of time had a massive impact on my current doubt, yet the idea of living as a girl when I grow up or even now makes me want to throw up.

[@Labyrinth_Props]

When I was first questioning my gender, I went through a very strong denial phase, forcing myself to be as feminine as possible. It then shifted to me saying okay, maybe I’m non binary. I’m not trans, I can’t be. But they/them made me feel just as bad as she/her. I finally accepted it and felt lighter. But since then I keep doubting myself. Especially when I speak with my Mother. She constantly dead-names and misgenders me. I often have thoughts about just giving up and going back to how things were, when it was simpler and I wasn’t always fighting with her. But whenever I speak to my Papa, and he calls me son, and his boy... I feel amazing. Like nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is worse than gender and body dysphoria. It hurts me to look at myself and see someone I’m not and should never have been in the first place. But in that same vein, nothing beats the euphoria of seeing myself as I am. And the smallest of things can trigger that. Just the other week it was a pair of shoes I was wearing that made me feel right. Doubt is hard. But each time I feel that way, I always see through it and I assure myself that I am who I say I am. I am who I am.

[@algs3055]

I've also been trough that denail fase... And the non binary fase... My friends are rly supportive trough out the whole process.. Im out to my friends for almost 3 years now but i cant find the courage to come out to my family... its like Im living two different lifes.. That really makes me doubt myself and i sometimes feel like giving up.. but when i rly think about it and try to picture me in the future i cant imagine myself as a female, at all! And when i look at who i am right now it feels right so i guess i am who i am, who Im suposed to be..

[@jupjur995]

I think I go in and out of denial...i have these periods of time where i dress as feminine as possible but even then i dont feel like a girl but it doesnt bother me if my boyfriend at the time called me girl cause i know he was straight..i honestly dont know if I'm trans or not, i keep going in and out of coming out as trans where i tried being non binary. Non binary label just didnt make me feel right

[@torrinashley6076]

@@jupjur995 You should not date a straight man if you are not a woman. It is likely that he is seeing your body as female and not respecting you as a person

[@wrenfrankie8101]

this video made me cry. hearing this was a massive weight off my chest. every time i contemplate my dysphoria and possible forms of medical transition, usually alone in my room late at night, im crippled with self doubt and fear, despite knowing for a fact that my experiences and feelings arent false. thank you for making this.

[@Arduran]

This has been happening to me a lot lately and I've been living as me for 6 years and lately have had anxiety thoughts pestering me lately of "Am I Really Trans?" It sucks.

[@tay3122]

i feel this so much and i feel like im going crazy lately

[@radioactivelvet]

did it ever get better?

[@cjrockzz.]

Him: You're probably trans. Question is, what are you gonna do about it? Me, depressed w/bad thoughts: *smiles awkwardly* Ion know, kms? I can't do much else atm. Edit: UPDATE!! I’m getting my very first binder soon. My friend has offered to let me ship it to her address because I can’t ship it to my address safely.

[@clacks5605]

eyy congrats on getting a binder

[@cjrockzz.]

@@clacks5605 thanks ! unfortunately that friend didn’t follow through with their promise. i’ve been on a waiting list for a few months since i found out she didn’t actually get me one so hopefully i’ll be able to get one soon !!

[@tomfoolery1039]

Thank you so much for this. Whenever my dysphoria isn't debilitating, I question myself. I even went so far into doubting and going extremely right-wing beliefs. That was just totally fear-driven and irrational of me. And now, I realise, I had to go to that bottom of doubt and darkness, I had to hit that breaking point, to get to where I am now - ready for hormones and accepting myself. I can't deny it any longer. How I realized this, is whenever I look into the mirror, I always want to see a boy, loud dysphoria or quiet dysphoria. I'm happier being seen as male, even when intrusive thoughts make me doubt it. I spend more time disliking or just simply not feeling right in the body I was born in than I do being ok in it, and I think that's a sign. If you keep pushing it away and it keeps coming back, it's probably your truth.

[@chramoso]

i'm happy for you that you overcame those beliefs! more power to you, my dude. you can be proud!

[@tomfoolery1039]

@@chramoso thank you so much, Chris! :)

[@jupjur995]

I go into these periods of time dressing super feminine but I dont necessarily feel like a female...but I dont care if people call me female, I dont like it but i dont care. But no matter what I keep going back to thinking I'm trans..not wanting to see my breasts when im naked, wanting to see a p when I look down. Wanting a beard and a deep voice. But then when I let the hair grow on my legs or have facial hair growing out I get super self concious of what other people will think since I have a very high voice and am still seen as a girl. But then I get so scared that I'll want to detransition if I do transition, it scares the shit out of me...i think it all boils down to i want people to love and accept me

[@fagitocumaeda]

That last sentence spoke to me ☹️

[@sevencornerskid]

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them." ~ Maya Angelou.

[@alyssasoliz9168]

Thank you Jackson. I'm in constant doubt. But when you say it out loud, it helps knowing I'm not alone.

[@midorilavender8226]

I think I might be a demigirl/girlflux and now I'm going back and forth between "yeah I'm a girl but also not" and "what if I'm just a cisgirl pretending for attention 🤨🤨?!?" 😭😭

[@thomasbohlen1138]

I was literally just talking to my friend about this today. It’s something that really worries me sometimes (I’m scared that even though I know I’m much more comfortable as male, I’m still wrong?)

[@thomasbohlen1138]

My Nontraditional Life the thing about that is that I’ve been living as male for around a year and a half, and I know for sure that I’m happier, but I somehow convince myself that I’m really just faking it.

[@draculaura_keyblade]

Same

[@apetty5918]

Maybe you are faking it then? Maybe swept up in the trans trend? Don't do anything you'll regret

[@thomasbohlen1138]

A Petty see I’ve had that thought but every time I hear my deadname, get misgendered, or see myself in a mirror I lowkey wanna die so

[@elliotcorona8744]

I know you mean well but maybe don’t say things like that... it doesn’t help and were constantly thinking things like that already. No hate just want to let you know

[@eiosti]

You know, this whole diagnostic process, I've been talking about its similarities with being trans with a tinge of jealousy. Jealousy that when you know you're autistic, you can't really tell anybody, because diagnosis is such a qualifying factor. But I didn't think about how, when you're trans, while there is no external qualifier, people kind of just have to believe you. You don't get to be told you're trans by somebody everybody feels they can trust to an extent. They just have to trust your own judgment, and that's scary. Now that I've been diagnosed, I get to go on Facebook and come out to everybody confidently, but even when you come out as trans officially, people will continue to doubt you until they themselves see all the qualifiers they require in order to be convinced. That's tough.

[@emorykj3158]

Thank you so much for this. Ever since coming out, I've felt a lot of pressure to convince the people around me that I am indeed trans, and to convince *myself* that I am indeed trans. Even though my friends and family are so chill and super woke and totally accepting of me, I feel a lot of internal pressure to not show when I doubt myself. I used to be terrified when I misgendered myself in my head, but I am really glad to know that's a normal thing. At the end of the day, I know that I feel happier when the people around me refer to me with my new name and he/him pronouns. I haven't been out very long (another reason I experience doubt), but I know my life makes more sense to me as a trans man than as a GNC woman. Knowing that doubt is still something you experience gives me so much confidence in the validity of my gender.

[@thembofriendsimp]

Nice name ;)

[@reecec.9608]

I sometimes think I would look good in certain feminine clothing and immediately think I'm suddenly faking being a man. Same happens when I consider maybe bottom surgery isnt what I want. I worry sometimes I'm not really a man and it tortures me.

[@alexej6080]

I don't really doubt being transgender (right now), but starting medical transition, and losing the body I had before is hard. Just the realisation that that is lost forever... I don't know. I know that I want/need transition, but I feel SO sad and scared about losing 'her'. (ftm here)

[@japercorn8513]

You won’t lose ‘yourself’ but you aren’t ftm because you’d probably want to lose ‘her’ and become ‘him’

[@alexej6080]

@@japercorn8513 That is exactly the duality I'm trying to explain here. I AM him, 'her' never felt right. But losing that body/expression, forever... For me, that is hard, and comes with grieving. That same grieving process made me doubt initially, until dysphoria hit me again. 😒

[@japercorn8513]

Alexander Vermeylen I guess I’m still confused here. It’s not like anything is a sudden change, and you ease into everything that happens. You’ll be able to experience them slowly. And if you like the changes, then that’s great, and if you don’t, then stop what you’re doing and think some more about yourself.

[@japercorn8513]

Alexander Vermeylen But starting transition (especially testosterone) should come with no seconds guessing, you have to be sure.

[@chramoso]

dude, i feel ya. being pre-t and thinking about all the transition steps before me, i miss 'her' from time to time, because i miss the confidence and coolness she embodied. personally, i then remember that i had to put in conscious effort for YEARS, every day, to create her and to *appear* effortless. at a certain point it became easier to be her, just because being socialised female for so many years, i just knew how to act so i would be treated well and get what i wanted, basically. but it was still an act. part of it (for me!) is, what does 'she' stand for, and is that really connected to gender or is it maybe a matter of habit or something else. eg everybody can become cool and confident, obviously, so i can get to that point again as well. second part is, growing pains, as Aaron Ansuini puts it. for some people, change is exciting. to me it's just scary, even if i know that the current situation is pretty much unbearable. the devil you know... you know that body and how it works. but as Japercorn said, those changes and choices aren't absolute. i keep telling myself, one step at a time, little by little, and i can always go back a step or take a break, that's completely fine. (and then i realise, i never actually want to take a step back, i just need the option to do so, so that i feel more comfortable :D) sorry for such a long reply, i just really related to your comment, so maybe this helps, dunno :)

[@dannikamidgley]

I usually feel fine when I'm around friends but when I'm alone is when the doubts come in and it's been really bad lately

[@Meow-tz3nb]

EXACTLY

[@PocketSizedOwlHikari]

Being super short and not the most "manly" person, I think most of my doubt comes from thinking no one will ever see me as a man and for some reason the anxiety part of me brain tells me that if I was really trans, a year on T I would pass better now. It makes no logical sense, but anxiety isn't logical lol

[@kierstenmayer7636]

Lmao I remember telling my brother after seeing Avril Lavigne in a tie “I want to be a boy more than I want to be a girl” so I’m pretty sure I was feeling dysphoria as a kid. But I went through many phases of saying I was gender fluid or FtM trans. But ultimately decided it wasn’t me. Plot twist: i only felt it wasn’t me because everyone told me it wasn’t. And that I was an ugly boy or abusive shit like that lmao. Even though I know that now it still brings a lot of anxiety and doubt about if I’m even trans. Sigh.

[@alexwitteveen7237]

I needed this so much. Im 28 and just came out. I am filled with self doubt as i move towards transition. I think a lot of my doubt stems from not seeing very many people transition at my age, it makes me feel alone or that i am an imposter. This helped me a lot, thank you!!

[@nessa3751]

im 30 and in the same boat!

[@alexwitteveen7237]

@@nessa3751 its pretty tough, but with support we have this. I started hrt 6 weeks ago, i feel pretty great.

[@DN-fs2kb]

I’m commenting my experiences mostly to just write stuff down tbh Growing up i never thought about gender, i liked girly things. In 5th grade i described myself as a tomboy and enjoyed dressing that way. Eventually i wanted to try out different fashion styles so i dressed more feminine for a bit. I quickly realized that i feel uncomfortable wearing girly clothes (i liked the style on other people but felt like it wasn’t me at all when i wore it) and decided to dress more masculine. Once i dressed masculine my whole perspective changed, i felt confident. Strangers would call me he/him and it made me so happy when i finally got my haircut. I identified as non binary for awhile but once strangers started calling me a guy it felt right and my identity started to lean way more masculine after that. I have known I’m a trans guy for about a year so far and it feels good. But it also feels hella painful. Ive always felt envy towards how guys look and I’ve always hated my voice but it got worse, it’s pretty much debilitating and even when i was younger i would think that if i was a man id want a beard and cool short hair, but now that i want to be one, i can’t imagine myself as either gender in the future (even if id like to be male). There are a million things that i am stressed about every day and i just want to be like the guys in my class, i want to be a normal guy. But people treat me different and see me different, its not fair. I just wish i could’ve been born a boy but now i have to fight to just be accepted by myself and everyone around me. Some doubts I’ve had are that I played Barbie’s when i was younger but i also always wanted hot wheels and car toys. I never liked sports, i only have friends who are girls, (i would love a male friend group though) i was a girly kid in general, and generic male fashion seems a bit boring to me.

[@-toby-329]

Thisssssssssssssssssss this is exactly like me growing up!!!! Literally all of it!!! Word for word practically and it's the exact reason that led to me having this doubt in the first place!!!

[@DN-fs2kb]

@@-toby-329 lol im glad we had a similar experience! nice to know im not alone :)

[@aidanpolemoeo]

Am I actually saying this in public? Guess so. I feel a lot of the time like I can't "be" masculine because there are still feminine things in my life that I like, that I'm comfortable with, and that I want. I mean, I have a toddler, I'm her mom. That's what she calls me, and it makes my heart glow every time I hear it. She's language delayed and it took her a *long* time to use that word. I don't want to try to take it away from her, and I like being her mom, I feel maternal. She has a dad too, that's a different relationship. Someday when she has more words we'll have a longer talk about it, but I really am happy. But then she calls me "mom" in front of a new friend I introduced myself to with my male name and who's always used male pronouns for me and I just cringe SO DAMN HARD because it feels like that word in that moment is completely unmanning, and points out for all the world to see that I'm not male and I never can be.

[@aidanpolemoeo]

P.S. Also good gods I haven't commented with this account in forever and hey, there's a female name on it. Er... oops? I'm not sure I can give enough of a fuck as I leave a youtube comment about once every third year or so. Hell, it doesn't even reflect that I changed my last name ten years ago.

[@nikhansen8775]

OMG Thank you for sharing this! I'm still mom to my kids, too, and it only hurts when other people hear them say it. My kids are older but I still feel like I can't ask them to change it, and I'm not sure if I even want to. Mother's day was a real trip for me this year.

[@aidanpolemoeo]

I hear you there. Mother's day is always weird for me, and this year was especially bizarre. I didn't know if I wanted to celebrate it at all or pretend it didn't exist.

[@scouttyra]

Seems like maybe you feel like others perceive you as less masculine/female when called mom by your kid. Sorry for just turning up and kind of psychoanalysing you

[@torrinashley6076]

I think you are confusing male with masculine. I would never want to be called "mom" *shudders*

[@VesaliusDarkAngel]

Frick, guys.. I know this vid is like 4 years old but I'm just starting to figure out my gender at almost 30 and feeling so much of this. Almost half way through vid, I'm tearing up hearing that these things I'm feeling is normal. It's like I been feeling so much conflict and guilt between knowing my gender but not... Being confident enough in it? So hard to explain but this video GETS IT.

[@inventivelychaos3800]

This video hits home for me I was questioning when I was a kid because I hadn't hear the word non-binary, and it bid click until I realized that the pronouns fit me like a glove, that and I have never been the gander that I got assigned birth.

[@alredacted1734]

(Im so happy for you but i,,, puns) agab - assigned goose at birth

[@borderline_sunshine]

I realized I wasnt cis a little over a year ago and fully accepted I'm completely ftm in July, August, or September and even now I'm still struggling to accept it and sometimes I wonder if I'm faking it or if I'm actually trans.

[@gemmeerobinson1803]

No you're made in the image of God that Satan said no your not. Quit thinking Satan is a fake and wake up to the truth.

[@zekcool5468]

Same

[@gemmeerobinson1803]

No one is Trans. We all are human that makes human mistakes. God made Male and Female. Satan makes the call we're not human. You really should listen to God who at the beginning said all was good till Satan said, "Surely Hath God Said?"

[@borderline_sunshine]

@@gemmeerobinson1803 trans people are human dawg also its NOT a choice to be trans. I've accepted myself and am happier than I was when I didn't. I'm happier than I was when I thought I was cis.

[@valentinolupis2190]

@@gemmeerobinson1803 you are aware that god made satan, god made good AND evil. Either way, who said being trans is work of the devil? And if you're going to respond with saying god made us as we are and we aren't allowed to change it, sure, quote the bible. However, that goes for altering any part of your appearance. Including your hair. Which also means that if you have ever gotten a haircut at any point of your life you have sinned. The bible was not written with the motive of being taken literally.

[@dustinnickolas1583]

00:29 ANXIETY! that's literally my issue. I've been on testosterone for over 1 year and 1 month and when I think about everything I realize how many things in my life have actually improved. I'm no longer suicidal, over a year clean of self harm, and because of dysphoria I developed an eating disorder which soon turned into bulimia and I'm happy to say I'm also over 1 year purge free! The only times I have doubt is when it's planted from other people and then my anxiety takes over and I start thinking "what if they're right", "what if I do regret it some day", etc. But then I take a step back and think about how much more comfortable I am and how fulfilling it is to live the way I should have all along. Some anxiety about transition is good because you are permanently altering your body, but literally my anxiety tries to take all the joy out of how much more comfortable I am and it's so annoying.

[@samparks7165]

Thank you for making this video. I occasionally have doubt. Even more so when i see/hear other KZbinr's say "if you doubt you're probably a trender.".. Someday's i hate being FTM. Yet other days i am grateful. Thank you again! I needed this.

[@Julia-kk7ph]

wtf that came at the most PERFECT time. thank you!

[@saraannefay2196]

After 5 years, I still have doubts, though I have them less an less over time. I always assumed it was because I transitioned late in life. I’m 62. Great video! Nicely done!

[@niknaknonak2805]

Have doubted constantly for many years!! I'm now out as trans and just waiting on the dredded first appointment. I've watch all you vids and thanks to you I have stepped out in the world and so far have had a lot of positivity which spurs me along. Please keep up the inspiration. I have used a few of your videos to explain what im going thru with my family. Jackson, can't wait for your book. Will definitely be on the Christmas lists. 🤟

[@ShiningAroha]

I just came out as transgender about a month ago. I've identified as a lesbian woman for 32 years. Now, I feel much happier. I have struggled with doubt sometimes. I am moving forward with transitioning.

[@tywhite3940]

Honestly I'm so glad that you decided to tackle this topic because it's hard to explain to my cis friends that there is a doubt that I know is wrong but its still there. Maybe its cause it took my family three years after me coming out to take it seriously but there are so many ways that others not accepting you will make it harder for you to accept yourself. I'm so glad that I found your channel and you've been such a role model this past year. Thank you for reaffirming that doubts on something so large as gender identity is normal and valid.

[@romeorealestatelive]

I needed to hear this. One major source of doubt for me is when a trans person says they have known since they were 4 and had no doubts. Like you said, good for them, but not very helpful.

[@mimibear8057]

I have these doubts every single day and I'm often scared that I actually arent nonbinary and Im doing it all for attention and its hard, it really is. Even when the dysphoria is really really not good. Today especially, I really needed this message, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you for just being so understanding and informational and kind at the same time, I havent found many content creators like you, and I'm so relieved and so happy that you are here, helping many people including me 💖

[@Kairp]

I'm a trans dude but most of the time I really despise my body and it feels as if I'm living somebody else's life. It doesn't feel like my body. It feels like a girl and then I question if I'm not trans but a cis girl. But deep down I'm really sure that I'm a boy but since I get misgendered and my whole appearance doesn't fit how I feel I often question my gender and sometimes even don't feel like a boy but just me. All of these doubts put me in extreme distress and make me really anxious. For now I dont have any surgeries or testosterone yet. I feel like noone really sees me as a boy. With all these doubts I have been thinking if I'm just a hypocrite but thinking about living like a girl is absolutely horrifying to me. Though my body feels like a girl and my mind like a boy is confusing since my body is a part of me. I do see myself as male but I mostly dont see myself as a part of other men or boys but also not women or any other gender or agender. Also when I don't constantly think about my gender I start to doubt if I might actually be agender. Then again I know I'm not agender but a boy even if I feel like a total outcast and extremely uncomfortable in my body. I often feel like a boy looking through the eyes of a girl and then I also feel like I'm acting or talking like a girl and that this must be that I'm a girl. Though there's no way to talk or act like a girl I start to doubt my gender through my gender expression. I feel like the only way I could be truly comfortable in my body is if I would have been born male. I just wish I could accept myself the way I am and not question my gender that much because me doubting my gender like most of the time makes me doubt myself even more and makes me think that its maybe a sign that I'm not trans. Is it normal for me to doubt my gender that much?

[@UmbralKitten]

8:10 hit me pretty hard. Those are like literally some of the exact doubts that hit me the hardest and keep me too scared to actually go see a therapist about it.

[@twentyeight602]

I HAVE IT THE SAME

[@aydenpeters8476]

I’m a trans man with OCD and I have severe imposter syndrome about my identity right now. I clicked on your video to do some exposure therapy and face some anxiety but it was actually just mostly comforting and made me realize that, beyond the severe anxiety disorder, my root fears really are pretty normal thank you so much :)

[@wintershadow2989]

The amounts of time i said "...really" while wide eyed and a huge smile on my face is amazing, thank you so much for making this video

[@llRocketll]

Thank you, I’m about to get top surgery and I’ve been tweaking over basically this whole video. 😂😂 This made me feel a lot better. 💚

[@blighttown169]

i'm a 6'3" amab person trying to transition to female and really just starting on all of this, and thank you so much for this video. as a person with adhd whose brain runs a mile a minute and constantly doubts itself it's always really really hard to curb thought spirals and intrusive thoughts, especially ones about passing due to my height and the way i'm built this video was the support i really needed, thank you from the bottom of my heart

[@smelsart]

same, with the doubt and adhd - and im 5'3" ftm + very curvy

[@priwncess]

might sound crazy but I suggest just *doing* it and no longer giving it any thought.

[@blighttown169]

@@priwncess update actually! ive been on hrt for a over a year now, about a year after i posted this comment, i'm happier than i've ever been. i learned in this process that there isn't anything i can do to change my height, and the only opinion that ultimately matters on it is my own. since realizing that and sticking with my hrt schedule ive been clear of pretty much all of the thought spirals i used to really struggle with. for anybody else reading this, things *will* get better. what matters most is how you see yourself, and eventually that confidence will allow you to flourish as the person you want to be.

[@ineedahug6149]

Yup, good ol' anxiety! This is one of the reasons why I'm holding back because "What if I'm not really trans?" and "What if I regret it and it's too late?" so haha yeah.

[@emptythecan3793]

When I feel this way I remind myself that there is no path laid out for me, no secret truth, no right decision to uncover. Life really is what you make it. Last year I was struggling a lot with a breakup, and I kept ruminating on weather I made the right decision. But I came to the conclusion that it could have turned out either way, that my decision was not right or wrong, and that I just needed to move forward with what felt right. I feel similarly about transitioning.

[@aiellamori]

I came out recently and pretty quickly got everyone around me to know. WITHIN the week of coming out. I knew what I was doing. The quickness of it all it what is making me doubt myself. I keep feeling like I have to act 100% as a girl right now, no exceptions. If I don't start expressing myself as a girl RIGHT NOW, I'm not trans. It keeps getting to me

[@zenae1153]

I know this is an old video but thank you so much for this. I finally came out as transmasc nonbinary and was freaking out because the new pronouns feel weird and i feel like a bit of a fraud because of that and because I don't have chest dysphoria. You made me feel a lot better.

[@PrincessofKeys]

I also identifying as transmasc Nonbinary more recently mostly online of course and yeah it is a bit weird that it makes me feel like a fraud. I've learned about something called Gender Incongruence from another video I've watched which just basically means like a desire to be the other gender or maybe have some things from the other gender you want if you have little to no dysphoria I think to put it. It made me feel more valid about who I am. Might want to look into gender incongruence Im still learning about what it means myself.

[@jazzieworks]

I hardly ever comment on videos out of fear of regretting it for absolutely not reason but I NEED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS it also explains so much thank you😭

[@kitteninforest]

I'm doubting if i am really a trans guy in the moment, I'm glad this video was on my recommendation page

[@Noahsizzles]

This video has hit me so different than literally all other trans related videos have... I've been watching so many videos for the past week and I've just been so confused and full of doubt. I just feel like you said so many things I've been thinking, I almost cried 😭 thank you for saying everything you said ❤️❤️

[@emmyl7866]

crying through this whole video. you are even one of the first trans men i can actuslly see myself in, you just look like me. thank you for makinf this vidro!!!!!!!! 😭😭💖💖💕💕

[@Panda-bv6rd]

Ha, me all the time.... always second guessing my identity😬😒

[@heyfell4301]

The bit about self-misgendering is so relatable to me, because my transness came to me like a stray bullet and I've barely had time to fully understand the situation, so I still often think of myself as a man even though I now know I'm a woman just because of how used I am to it after 19 years of being completely ignorant about my true self.

[@BahamutEx]

Got lots of selfdoubt. Thoughts like "what if you just tricking yourself?" or "maybe you aren't trans at all"... This video helped me realize I'm not the only one struggeling with theses kinda thoughts, so thanks for that. :)

[@helighast]

this video was so helpful, challenging a narrative that feels like the only 'valid' one is really important when it comes to me figuring out my gender. idk, im still questioning, but come back to this comment in 5 years and hopefully i'll have an answer :)

[@alexbennet4195]

I don’t know about his arguments… like, gay couples have faced tbh WAY more stigma and oppression (like imprisonment and executions) throughout the vast majority of human history (since transitioning is also a pretty new phenomenon)… but I literally can’t imagine someone in a serious, committed relationship with their same sex partner (let alone a multi-year relationship) be staying awake wondering whether they’re… really gay?? Lol ofc not - and IF someone (who did think that they were gay/bi) started doubting that upon dating someone of the same sex then YEAH, THEY are almost certainly NOT gay then. If it’s right for you it would obviously FEEL right… not be the cause of doubt for literal YEARS??

[@helighast]

​@@alexbennet4195 fair point, but at the end of the day having doubts/impostor syndrome doesn't mean you're not trans, it's much more complicated than that (which obviously you know but just to say it). i also agree that if your doubts are overpowering thoughts that there's a serious chance you're not trans. either way, i am still questioning. i'm not really here to talk about late stage doubt because i have no experience of it, i meant my og comment more about how i feel trying to figure out my gender pre-anything (that might not have been clear idk) - but that's a whole other paragraph lmao

[@kc8391]

​@@alexbennet4195only an artist worries they're not an artist; only a good person worries they're not a good person.

[@jackdawjames7696]

I’ve been struggling with this doubt all week, thank you. Thank you so much for making this video.

[@Liowashere]

I cannot thank you enough for this video, I have only recently come out as trans and I am still figuring out stuff. Honestly, I have spent hours worrying that I am wrong or that I am not trans enough because when I was a kid I didn't announce that I was a boy and did stuff like paint my nails. This has put my mind at rest for a bit so thank you!

[@boxbotstuff1348]

Thanks for making this video. whenever I'm doubting if I'm transgender or not I remind myself that I can't stop smiling when referred to as male, and that if I wasn't trans I wouldn't of had all these thoughts on my gender almost my whole life. For some reason I still doubt and worry about it, even though I know that I clearly have gender dysphoria and would be happier as a guy. still in the closet unfortunately, gonna wait another few months until I come out irl, just to make sure that it really is the right thing for me.

[@carbine7457]

I needed this video so much. Thank you for your contributions Jackson. We NEED this dialogue. *I* needed this dialogue.

[@elliotholm184]

I came to this video hoping for fantastic advice. Instead, I got an answer. Thank you, so much, from the depths of my... 13... year, old... soul? I was born "female", but in the past 3 years, I have been so dysphoric that I starved myself to scarily and visibly unhealthy weights, and I slept so little that I was lucky for 3 hours of sleep at night. But how am I supposed to tell Mother that her one child that kept her constant during the abuse she had to endure from her husband, my father, isn't the child "she" was supposed to be? It feels, selfish... But I am a boy, no matter what they say, or when I doubt, and I will live my life the way I am supposed to be, as who I am supposed to be.

[@lonk2026]

bookmarking this. i'm nonbinary, and i've really been struggling with my gender recently and this video made me feel so much better. too tired right now to type out a long comment, but i just wanna say thank you

[@ryansreborns]

Thank you so so much for this video. I think I’m a demiboy but I constantly doubt myself. Most nights and sometimes in the day, my mind is telling me that I’m making it all up and I never used to be like this so I must have forced it onto myself. Then I start realising little things about my childhood that kinda suggest I’m not a girl. But there’s always a part of me saying that I am. I was quite happily living as a girl my whole life and from the age of 10, I wished to start growing boobs and get my period so “I would feel more like a girl,” which now makes me realise I never really did. My mum said she couldn’t wait to see me grow into a woman and I instantly blurted our with “I’m not going to be a woman” but then panicked because I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to be. I said “I’m going to be a lady” and everyone laughed and moved on, but I feel like that was a sign that I’m not CIA, I’m not a girl. Now that I’m 15 and I have boobs and a period, I hate it. I hate everything about it. I look in the mirror and it doesn’t feel like me, it’s like a stranger looking back at my. From the neck up, I pass as male, but unless I hide my body, I’m now obviously female. When strangers call me ‘he’ or ‘mate’ it makes me so happy and feels right, but my family and friends calling me ‘he’ still feels odd because I’m not used to it. It makes me happy that they’re trying but I still feel off about it. Maybe it just needs some getting used to. But my point is, I doubt myself constantly. I was quite happy as a girl growing up. I wasn’t the girliest girl alive, and I was just as happy, if not happier, playing with my sister’s “boy toys,” but I still thought I was a girl. My dysphoria is bad sometimes but often it’s quite calm, which again makes me doubt if it’s even there. It’s not life or death and I could probably live without transitioning, but starting T sounds great to me. I’m not sure if it’s the right choice for me just yet, but I have plenty of time to work out the specifics. Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to thank you for the video and share my experience in case anyone else feels like me :,)

[@99Mateoo]

I really needed this right now. Being a feminine trans man i kind of feel out of place, especially seeing the only other trans guy in my school who is very masculine while i like wearing make up, painting my nails, and wearing feminine clothes. I experienced dysphoria many times, not as much now because i feel numb to she/her pronouns and my dead name but the part where you said that it’s hard to feel like your own gender while everyone else is misgendering and questioning really hit me. i’m only out to my friends, some teachers at my school and my classmates but even then they don’t seem to get my pronouns right and i don’t think they really grasp that i’m a man if you can understand what i mean. the typical idea of being transgender being that once you find out it’s like a missing puzzle piece to the whole picture is a concept that has affected me and affects other trans people negatively like you said. It’s not a “i figured it out, so it’s a straight pathway from here”, it’s more like a bumpy road with twists and turns of doubt, dysphoria, and much more. I think the queer, especially trans, community should talk more about doubt because it feels like, me personally, i’m just gaslighting myself again to believing i’m someone i’m not because it’s the safer option. i know deep down i’m a man, i may not dress like the “typical idea” of a man but i am one. this video is so incredible and having this doubt for a while now being out to rest (hopefully) feels like a relief 🤍🏳️‍⚧️

[@hazking7505]

i have been questioning my gender for so long i remember when i was around five saying that i wanted to be a dad when i was older. And since then on i have always just pushed those thoughts to the back of my head and just enjoyed presenting in more masculine ways, i.e. dress sense. However, i have more and more been hating everything about myself and how i look. This past year i have been using sports ___ to bind my chest and make it flatter and i have felt much more comfortable when doing that and i cant even wear anything else now. Also, i finally opened up with people online that i have known about all of this and they are so supportive and then i told my (ex) boyfriend (of one year) that i was having these feelings and in the beginning he supported me but then ended up leaving me because he said he could date a guy (which is completely okay that's his sexuality. But this really made me question myself because i didn't not want to be with this person. Anyway that relationship ended and im still left with this feeling and questioning my gender. Also, i finally got my hair cut which is something that i have wanted to do for so long, i have always had my hair quite short (bob left) but to have a typical 'boy' haircut is so freeing and the best feeling ever. I just really don't know if the reason i haven't come out yet is because im still questioning or if im scared to come out and not be expect (i have homophobic family members). Any replies would be helpful or like if people want to tallk to me on social media platforms :) thanks

[@Ayen__]

I’m 90% certain im trans ftm. One thought that haunts me is that i distinctly remember asking for a doll from my grandparents for christmas when I was younger. I saw my cousin get one and thought it would make me as happy as her (i barely touched it lol). I’m embarrassed if that’s something that would come to my grandparent’s mind if they find out I’m trans. 😅😅

[@albinocroc]

Okay, this might be very spontaneous but I feel like I have to share my story. I came out to my parents yesterday as I am writing this. Literally just the previous day I was known as a girl by everyone. I have been feeling dysphoria for over a year now, around two years in fact. Even though I never wore dresses or was a particularly girly child (quite the contrary in fact), I only began to question it for real around that time. At first I thought I was non-binary and tried calling myself they-them on the internet. It felt good. It felt a lot better than she/her anyways. But then I started noticing I tipped more towards the masculine side so I also started calling myself he/him on the internet and introducing myself to people I met online as a guy. It still felt good, sometimes awkward because I know some people that knew me before but ultimately I felt a lot more comfortable than she/her. Right now my doubt primarily consists in the fact that I just came out and hearing my new name and pronouns from my parents is so fucking awkward and unnatural since they’re still a bit perplexed. But of course, awkwardness isn’t a good feeling so naturally my brain associated it with “you don’t like your new pronouns and name so you must not be trans!” Even though my closest friend knew (she was the only one that did until yesterday) and called me he/him and I got used to it. My point is that right now, just after I came out and as I am alone and have time to ponder, my doubts and questioning are more active than ever. I’m afraid that it will end up being just a phase and I will annoy everyone if one day I say “no I’m actually not trans lol” and that’s really my primary fear. But for me what reassures me is that I see myself in life when I’m older and I picture myself as a man. I cannot picture myself as an older woman because that doesn’t feel genuine to me. I wouldn’t be happy that way. So to anyone who is questioning their gender right now, know that it’s okay and that you are still valid. Stay safe. Thank you Jackson

[@carleighmae9825]

I’m gettin anxiety from that open hallway door

[@kaiisyourhomie]

This helped so much. wtf. Thank you so much. I have a lot less self doubt now. you're amazing

[@IcedFire89]

I just felt like a fraud. And then I realized I felt like a fraud in everything. I needed to hear this.

[@jadenyoung5297]

Thank you! Im so glad that this topic is being brought up.

[@StarbloodFox]

I’m gonna watch this video every time I feel doubt

[@lavonnerobinson8446]

I needed this video I've been crying for the past few hours about this doubt

[@ericbwolf]

"You cannot pick and choose the changes from HRT". Such wisdom!

[@rgonzalez5017]

Uff. Thankyou for existing dude!

[@aesaphyr]

I'm in the UK and the only way I could convince my GP to refer me to a gender identity clinic was by stating "I have no doubts" (and she still insisted I was just confused and needed to get psychiatric help instead - i.e. spend 12 months waiting for that, then start the 24 months waiting time for the GIC - and to clarify... I have already been in therapy for 2 years). At the same time I have doubts every 5 minutes. 🤦🏻‍♂️ But you're so right, a lot of the "doubts" are literally my brain spiralling around something other people have said to me ("it's just a phase", "you're just mutilating yourself", "you're doing it for attention", "you're just objectifying men" etc). It's sad because I actually have no real doubt about how I see myself... I just doubt that it's real and that making changes is the right thing to do. It's so exhausting to go against the cisnormative standards of society, sometimes I feel it's not worth it.

[@reshmamarkan1857]

KZbin genuinely knew I needed this. Love ya, Jackson ❤️