Am I Responsible For Taking Care Of My Mom After She's Wasted Her Money?

[@picklerix6162]

Mom doesn’t want you to take care of her. She wants access to your money so she can waste that too.

[@cristycastillo259]

Wow indeed !!!

[@Hhkmhhkm85]

your world is upside down ! Thank God im in the middle east

[@yamamancha]

I nearly fell out of my chair when he said, "she's about 62".

[@samh5218]

Same. That’s my parents age.

[@stellarocquie7957]

Ancient, lol.

[@midlifecrisis7888]

Old as dirt. Death is near

[@amireallythatgrumpy6508]

Yes. Who doesn't know the exact age of their parents?

[@amireallythatgrumpy6508]

@@midlifecrisis7888 She's probably only three quarters o the way through.

[@stephaniehenderson6631]

The real burden here is on the sister who is doing the actual caring and dealing with this painful situation day in and day out. I hope the family are really thankful for that and are supporting her.

[@jgdooley2003]

In many cases they do not. Often the carer also has to take care of the needs of dysfunctional siblings and often the siblings not getting involved at all is the best option.

[@maxalberts2003]

@@jgdooley2003 Thank you for this reply. When I was in college, my first summer job was as a nursing assistant in a nursing home. The horrors I witnessed there were almost beyond belief. I finally found summer work at a luxury resort in northern Minnesota, but the memories of that nursing home remain with me to this day--and I'm 69. The internecine warfare was shocking.

[@ninjagirl226]

I don’t want to sound rude and I get where you are coming from. But at least in my family the ones taking care of grandma were the ones taking all her money leaving her to lose her home, then apartment, and go into failing health to support my uncle’s and his kids instead of herself. Then getting mad at her other kids for not giving him money when he doesn’t help grandma he wastes it on failed businesses, getting his kids though college, his wife and daughters horses, living a posh lifestyle that no one else in the family can afford least of all him. I could go one, but I don’t know how Grandma was treated at my conman uncle’s home. I just know that the conman uncle was bared from my Grandma’s sister’s funeral because of how he was treating grandma and because he stole money from my great aunt. Tangent aside the family dynamic does matter. If the sibling take of care of the elderly individual is also abusing or stealing all their money then I think it’s fair game to remove them.

[@pamettmayer2391]

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do was care for my father at home. The nursing home is not the answer private paid or Medicaid. My father fell because no one would come and help him to the 🚽. Fractured his pelvis and then passed away.

[@melissapereira9879]

@@pamettmayer2391 sorry to hear..hope you are OK. 🙏

[@tylersanders2388]

Sounds like every aspect of that woman’s life just involves no discipline. At 62 years old and incapable of living on her own is horrible

[@ceciliajohnson8812]

I think the mom urgently needs therapy. She cannot possibly be happy living the way the Caller described. It sounds like she's given up hope and direction for herself. This is such a tragic story.🙁

[@benkelley6561]

It sounds like the caller is Gilbert Grape.

[@AnOriginalYouTuber]

Maybe its a wakeup call for her to lose weight and be mobile again. Cold hard reality is a cruel but its an excellent teacher.

[@alladreamwedreamed]

62 years of living that selfishly and short sightedly and you think she can turn it around this late in life? I doubt it.

[@tylersanders2388]

@@alladreamwedreamed you are absolutely correct. She is most likely going to drag her family down until she is in an early grave from her poor choices

[@philipgerry5228]

Another good reason to plan ahead: Don’t be dependent on your kids.

[@rillawhat8142]

💯👍🏾

[@junusavior65]

Yeah, I have met many people that say "we don't worship money." So they don't save up for retirement. But saving up for retirement is as much about not burdening your kids as it is about making your life easier.

[@rillawhat8142]

@@junusavior65 👍🏾

[@pauljansen6650]

Or fat

[@roseother8306]

DEPENDENT ON HER KIDS? SHE GOT $400K AND THEY TOOK MONEY FROM HER INHERITANCE - NOW THEY WANT TO IGNORE HER????

[@yankeefrugal]

Who is paying for her food? Who is feeding it to her? Who is preparing it for her? Stop enabling the problem.

[@to41815]

Dr. Nowzardan has now entered the chat

[@ykook7000]

@@to41815 🤣

[@isay207]

Exactly shes got money for food

[@jessiec1194]

DoorDash fast food.

[@amandalee5378]

Exactly....... sounds like there is another spender in the circle

[@benzzc3626]

My (divorced) parents, who grew up poor, took care of themselves physically and financially, didn't buy on credit and couldn't wait to burn their mortgages. When the time came, they each put themselves in continued assisted care. Mom needed a walker in her late 80s, but Dad was still out taking walks unassisted practically until his last day. Both lived past 90 and had ample money left when they died.

[@leannladd3216]

Wow! That's really sad

[@glennwatson3313]

@@leannladd3216 What's sad about it?

[@leannladd3216]

@@glennwatson3313 it sounds like they had a long, boring life; scared they would not have enough money so instead of living fully they opted to live safe and not take risk.....then they died! That makes me sad for them. I would rather die broke after having lived a full, fun life of adventure and passion.

[@glennwatson3313]

@@leannladd3216 To each his own.

[@dennyb759]

Sorry I don’t think the son ours her anything 🤷‍♀️

[@nowaytoisop8776]

My mom is 100% headed down this path and I am completely hopeless of getting her to change her ways. Great advice Dave

[@carojames6776]

All you have to do is to be there for her.

[@stellarocquie7957]

@@carojames6776 No, all she has to do is DETACH and let the chips fall where they may.

[@bettysmith4527]

@@carojames6776 the point is she doesn't want to have care for her mother because she let herself go!

[@bgie9777]

Sending hugs and love

[@khrisstake2210]

Dump her

[@robertthompson5908]

When I was a kid growing up my parents were very committed to not being a financial burden on me and my siblings and they used to state this regularly. So that was a value that was passed on to me.

[@rillawhat8142]

💯👍🏾

[@waltergoggle5597]

This is a very common problem. If the parents are toxic on top of it, it makes it that much harder. It is very hard for the general population to acknowledge that loving parents that have earned care and respect are actually quite rare. We all want the ideal situation, and are disappointed at how many abusive relationships are between parents and kids.

[@aemeliamead1022]

Yup! My parents are like this, they’re only on their 50’s but always told my siblings and I growing up that they had so many kids so we could take care of them when they’re older. So they spent all their money and still continue to do so without having jobs. They have a rude awakening ahead of them when none of their kids step up to take care of them…

[@davidwright9166]

Seems it always abusive parents but never ingrate children. When you hear so many(abused) adult children you find out with further inquiry it not as they state.

[@joltjolt5060]

That's why Florida is full of old parents who don't live with their kids. Fyi, my mom was ABUSIVE. It's real.

[@genxx2724]

@@LegoGirl1990 Every family has dysfunction. It’s a normal part of the human condition, and must have existed when extended families lived together and cared for the elders, the babies, and the sick and injured at home. People need to put it aside and do right by their families.

[@aylahughes9185]

@@genxx2724 wrong.

[@elaine8013]

I'm 68 with diabetes an hbp. 15 years ago I was homeless with 2 boys after a divorce. I pushed and dragged myself through CNA training, moved to a rural area, and now own land and house. I will not be going to any nursing home. I have a home. I won't be a burden on my boys. I can take care of myself.I refuse to be a burden.

[@MrsEJV]

Dave makes it sound like you can have her in a nursing home in a month. Medicaid is state funded, not Federal. Medicare is Federal. It takes a lot to get on Medicaid, but then a doctor has to recommend a nursing home - THEN you start applying. Most nursing homes are private pay with some Medicaid beds, but usually people who went in to the facility private pay are given priority. Medicaid only pays a fraction of the private rate. An obese patient going in strictly Medicaid is a tough placement as they are a lot of care and physically taxing on nursing (a large contributor to back injuries). Plus if Mom is competent, she has to sign herself in. No one can do it for her. Dave way over simplified that answer.

[@davidturk6170]

It’s a podcast; all simple answers.

[@martha7811]

He did make it sound easy. To get into a medicaid funded facility you need to qualify for it both financially and medically. I mean she's 62! She may qualify for in home care. But she would still need income (social security can begin at 62) but it sounds like she may not have any (she hasn't worked in 20 years?). You can't just sign mom into a fully funded medicaid facility because you feel burdened by her. At least his sister lives with their mother, so the sister has income I assume.

[@todd2456]

It's a 5 minute call, Elizabeth. Get real.

[@BongLogic757]

@@todd2456 She lives under a rock

[@BrianW211]

Medicaid is actually mostly Federally funded, but it IS state managed, but yeah, getting approved can take months and finding a facility that will take a Medicaid patient can take months, too, especially if there is some specialized care required.

[@maddylovesgood]

evan if youre reading this, please make sure you and your siblings are checking on your mother almost daily in a Medicaid nursing home. I was a nursing assistant for years...trust me. things can go downhill pretty fast in those places

[@SoManyRandomRamblings]

Exactly....the average length of stay there isn't that short because the people get better.... 😔

[@Elizabeth_lowkeyluxuries]

Especially if you're a patient who requires care with pretty much everything. That's why we keep our mom out of there. She's totally disabled.

[@samlupo100]

I agree. I too was a nurse aide and many many patients were there for a lot of years. I’d like to say the patients get top care but sadly that’s not the case. If the patient could not speak up for themselves then they didn’t always get the best of care.

[@vgardner1688]

I was told by a nurse that those that have routine visitors get more care than those that no one visits.

[@maddylovesgood]

@@vgardner1688 in my experience thats 100% true. sadly

[@goalie2998]

62 is not even old. What a shame

[@BusArch42]

Right?! I’m 58 and been working since 17. I do not plan to stop until 67

[@MrRar66]

​@@BusArch42we're sailing the same boat, you and I, but 64 is my target 🎯 Best of luck and I hope you have a long and enjoyable retirement

[@Ibuse123]

We're going to hear more and more of this. My parents are in the same situation. There is only so much a child can dig their parent's out of a hole before they've got to ask themselves why . Some people choose to live this way because they are comfortable with it and it's a game to them. I know I've tried changing my parents over many decades, but some people don't want change until it's too late. Don't feel sorry for putting parents in a nursing home, because they're not. Their generation has social security and government hand-outs, do you think you'll have the same? You will only end up ruining your marriage and your own retirement plans. It's a sad state of affairs to watch, but this is the norm. In Asian cultures, they solved this problem by instead of investing in 401ks, they give their sons a house so they can get married. The catch is the son will take care of the parents when they're older. Imagine your net worth trajectory had you started out of the gate with that kind of advantage? But that is not our culture, so we should opt to be responsible and invest in ourselves. Because no one else will.

[@darylallen2485]

When seeing people who live to 100, you'll notice they aren't overweight. The body can't support that kind of weight while also have longevity.

[@pauljansen6650]

Its old

[@dnah02]

I want to build myself up so when I am 62 I will not be a burden on my kid or kids.

[@genxx2724]

Exactly. Or at 75. Why don’t people think about that? Physically and financially.

[@EmiliaCortes]

@@genxx2724 Let's convers ⬆️

[@rillawhat8142]

💯👍🏾

[@terrymurphy7790]

I'm 65 w/cancer and I'm my husband caregiver. Had to give up my job to give him care. Still have a mortgage no car payment

[@sooopj2792]

400k gone in 4 years is crazy

[@Cody_Ramer]

Yea 400k would set me up well for the rest of my life, could start my business with cash, build my house with cash and have a nice emergency fund!

[@BirdDogey1]

That will get you 2.5 years in Orange County, CA.

[@tmusa2002]

She hasn’t had a job in twenty years! Imagine that!! She “retired” at 42.

[@安妮花花AH]

If you in LA, $400k may last you a year and half for a family of 4 😂

[@tmusa2002]

Family is mooching too. Lottery winners do this. People don’t do well with windfalls.

[@charliep5139]

People, pay attention! This is how you ask a question! You start how with the situation and/or question and then you give the details. I hate it when people ramble on and on before getting the crux of the issue and I love how he gave a concise run down of what’s going on, too! God bless ya man and good luck to ya.

[@rillawhat8142]

💯👍🏾

[@mocheen4837]

This is why Social Security will not be around by the time I retire. I have been working and paying into the system for over 30 years. Now they are talking about reducing my benefits because I earn too much. Just give me back all of the money I paid into it and so will invest the money myself.

[@linuxsurfer2002]

Exactly. We should be able to opt out. SS is a legalized Ponzi scheme.

[@MistaTofMaine]

Yeah anyone with remote sense of finance could put social security to shame return wise, an individual would create multiples return wise where as ss seems to be you get pennies for each dollar invested

[@redstateforever]

Dude. I knew as a college grad in 1993 I would never see a dime of retirement money from SS. I just saved as if it didn’t exist. If I ever do get any money from that massive Ponzi scheme, woohoo. If not, I wasn’t counting on it. It wasn’t that hard to figure out, even back then. A massive generation of Boomers being supported by much smaller subsequent generations means no money for us Gen Xers on down. Ain’t exactly rocket surgery. Assume that SS is not a thing, just an additional tax that benefits people who are not you, and plan accordingly.

[@virginiamoss7045]

Medicare and Social Security will never go away because nearly every senior citizen votes as a block. They used to say that politicians would never dare touch the third rail of SS if they intended to have a political career. Medicare would be done away with before SS would. They are both good and needed programs because so many people just don't/won't/can't plan for their old age.

[@JamesSmith-ij8nj]

Your benefits are already reduced because you were successful. How do I know, I am about 20 years before you, paid the max FICA just about my entire career. I get less back then someone that didn't max out, porportionly. Yup I get less back in proportion to what I and those that didn't max out contributed. Fair? Is life ever fair..

[@phackdaphish]

It was nice to see Dave being very compassionate toward the caller. It is hard to see an older parent not able to care for themselves especially that it was in the parent's power to not be obese and broke. It is definitely stressful to deal with that.

[@JBCookies8885]

I agree with you but she isn't that old! Theoretically, she could still turn it around. The whole situation is sad. Sounds like she has completely given up on life.

[@melissasprayberry5047]

@@JBCookies8885 Agreed…. I’m 61 and I definitely do not feel “old”…. 62 is still considered as not an “elderly” person. She could definitely change her weight if that’s the only problem she has. This sounds so scary when I’m only 61.

[@jjjackson5183]

Just as bad to watch your kids take a self-destructive path. Yikes!

[@donaldlyons17]

The situation is not that simple because the mom has expenses that are at least as high as the money she has. This was bad before anyone knew it.

[@goofygirl1311]

@@melissasprayberry5047 Somebody is bringing high calorie food into the house. It doesn't sound as though this lady is capable of shopping for herself.

[@lhead7226]

My mom did the same thing and the only suggestion I have for you is talk to an estate attorney and set up her will and trust me don't be the executor of her estate. Once Medicaid get's involved they will send a demand letter after her death to get repayment for all of her medical expenses and just so you understand how much this could be, my mom was in the nursing home 5 days on Medicaid and the bill was $2,200 plus and additional $800 to the nursing home it's self. If you sell her property everything must be sold car, house, furniture, jewelry, everything has to go into an account and can only be used for her care. They will make you spend every dime and then Medicaid will take over and after her death you will have to declare her estate insolvent and prove to the state that she has nothing and they will want a receipts for every dime in every account she has. If she spent a large amount of money in the past 5 years they may also question where it went. Also if she has life insurance before she goes into a home preplan her funeral and if there is any money left she can designate beneficiaries and they can get and keep the money and the state can not attach to that if it has a designated beneficiary. Good Luck, from my experience it's a hot mess and paying an attorney would be the best advice I can give you.

[@fpnewsandpromos]

Not sure why Dave didn't mention any of t his.

[@queens6583]

Good Advice. Especially setting aside money for funeral because these days that could be $10,000 or more and Medicaid does not pay for that. Family will have to pay for it.

[@Bread996]

Good to hear. I'm glad us taxpayers aren't footing the bill needlessly.

[@JMelissaMc]

Sounds like a nightmare!

[@MrJuice-ik5ru]

62 and needing skilled nursing care for obesity is a tragedy. This highlights that obesity is indeed a public health concern as, in this instance, it increases demand for younger populations and makes it more expensive for elders (and taxpayers) to get nursing home care.

[@eurekahope5310]

How rude! Haven't you heard of body positivity? You must be fatphobic!!! ;) This obesity problem will impact all of us as we will have to take care of those whose lifestyles destroyed their health.

[@genxx2724]

It’s a crime.

[@hansonallie]

Can’t wait for pharma to start hard-core pushing all the new weight loss drugs & the various weight loss surgeries. Consider the herd fattened! 🙄

[@nephetula]

I see this every day, "over-active knife and fork" syndrome. People that weigh 350 lbs. and more. (Many don't even know how much they weigh.)

[@MrTmenzo]

Walmart electric cart riders eating too many cookies.

[@wotanmituns33]

''Instead of losing weight she bought an electric wheelchair so she didn't have to walk anywhere.'' 'MURICA!!

[@marthas.4456]

I see lots of people here in UK doing same. Some of them are only in their 40's.

[@donnag7908]

@@marthas.4456 Sadly, I see a lot of people in the US doing the same thing.

[@_mrsarcastic_3517]

😂😂😂😂

[@ghostmanscores1666]

@LH Free to go guy!

[@Drenwickification]

@@marthas.4456where on earth do you live in the uk lmao? I basically never see that. Not to say I’ve never seen it ever but it’s very very rare round where I am. 99% of the time when I see a little motorised scooter it’s someone very old on it.

[@Elizabeth_lowkeyluxuries]

Depending on the state they're not gonna let you keep your home and then have the taxpayers pay for your FT care in a nursing home - that's not how that works.

[@erynlasgalen1949]

In my state, Wisconsin, the Medicaid recipient or their heirs owes the state out of any assets, like a house, upon their death. But if she's in a nursing home, what use does she have for a house?

[@michaelwoods4495]

Our mother never reached that health condition. She couldn't waste her money because she didn't have any and our worthless sister and her children used up what she may have had. One of our brothers didn't live off Mom but had nothing himself. Other brother, the doctor and I the CPA got together and took care of whatever she needed. We engaged an elder-care law firm and by their referral, a private social worker. Then we paid for all of that. It's a source of satisfaction to know we did our duty and gave her security and what appeared to be happy elder years.

[@cutehumor]

You did good. I had to assume the same role

[@krosario3322]

Thanks for this. We have a similar situation and I will look into the steps you took.

[@charliehargrave7458]

Your a good man with a good heart, you always sleep well with a good conscious.

[@fulanichild3138]

Thank goodness she had a doctor and CPA in the family, and you are responsible, caring people. Many families could not afford that level of care. And no family should put themselves in the poorhouse over this.

[@chrisforker7487]

Obesity is definitely a problem, but it’s an individual problem, she has the ability to control what and when she eats. Everyone loves to blame someone else for their problems.

[@bgie9777]

As someone with this in my family I wonder if it is a symptom

[@jerrodlopes186]

You could say the same for an alcoholic, drug addict, someone who spends money on big pickup trucks, RV's, motorcycles, houses...

[@fulanichild3138]

@@bgie9777 A high percentage of obese people have trauma in their background. Yes, yes, I know, lots of traumatized people don't weigh 350lbs. But I do look at them a bit differently now that I know obesity can be a symptom.

[@susanjones8489]

Food is a drug to many, inc old folks. They treat their food like a coveted drug and source of happiness, hoarding, and eating whatever they want, regardless of its impact on their health. Forget about any self discipline whatsoever. They will talk about their digestive issues and 3 day bouts of the runs, announce that “ my doctor’s going to kill me when he sees how much weight I gained “ then drive miles away to their favorite bakery 🧁 loading up, then once again, getting sick and sharing the details, while becoming depressed when their clothes don’t fit. It gets tiresome listening to this. Zero introspection or discipline.

[@rnman99]

I'm an RN who takes care of a lot of broken down 62 year olds. For a lot of people, 62 IS the new 85...

[@pinksugarcookies71]

I work with seniors too and have seen this a lot too. If they are overweight, they eat until they can’t walk. If they have diabetes they are absolutely foolish with their choices. They blame everyone but take responsibility. They have audacity and entitlement that the world and their children owe them anything. I have seen this a lot and these choices THEY make have consequences but continue to blame everyone else

[@silverdale3207]

@@pinksugarcookies71 So you've met my brother-in -law then.😁

[@pinksugarcookies71]

@@silverdale3207 hahahha. They always blame the cook. Omg. So ya I've met him, haha

[@hazelem1266]

I am a recently retired RN after 48 years. My husband, 74, retired 2 years ago. By the Grace we are reasonably healthy and we are able to travel. But not everyone is as blessed with good health. Things can change in a very short time which can knock all your plans out.

[@poodlegirl55]

I'm a retired RD. "Don't dig your own grave with your knife and fork."

[@nleem3361]

My mom has no retirement either. It's such a bummer. My grandma died in her 40's and grandpa in his 50's so my mom figured she would too. Now she's 64, exercising daily and down 100 lbs, but no money and a super stressful low paying job (CPS). I'm super glad she's turned her health around, but the money is still a problem. I wish she could retire.

[@donaldlyons17]

She must not have made more than she spent before.....

[@onlyyou200548]

just do what Asian all do: take care of your mom!

[@CM-sy3to]

She can retire as soon as her child(ren) will do the right thing and prepare a nice place for her to stay with them. It's the only right thing to do.

[@MegaLilJen]

@@CM-sy3to Sometimes the children simply cannot afford to take care of mom/dad. They can't afford to add a MIL apartment on to their home, or make space in an already cramped house for mom/dad. And sometimes mom/dad have medical needs that ordinary people simply aren't equipped to meet. Caring for very ill people is HARD.

[@rockymntdan1]

Careful what you wish for. Having that job is probably the best thing for her. People who work hard all their lives tend to live much longer. It's people that "retire" like farm animals that die sooner. Interesting fact: there is no word in the Hebrew language for "retirement". That was invented by Corporate America.

[@peteranon8455]

I have so little sympathy for people who don't work between 40 and 60 and figure out they don't have a retirement plan.

[@steppy3736]

Depends on the situation. My husband had a disabling injury and then his overall health continued to fail: bleeding out from ulcers, liver failure, etc. I've been his caregiver for the past twenty years.

[@texasmimi5566]

@@steppy3736 NOTHING is 100%. Just like one party thinks the other party doesn't care about people. There are always exceptions to the rule about needing help and giving help. Those that expect the same as those who have, yet don't want to work hard for it, are who we don't have sympathy for and DON"T want to give extras to.

[@CM-sy3to]

A lot of women raise kids for 20-30 years, raise or babysit grandkids, volunteer in their community and church, then are caregivers for aging parents and inlaws, their financial security is destroyed by the medical bills of their spouse who passes first or from a divorce.

[@steppy3736]

@@texasmimi5566 don't I know it! Our lives literally changed complete 180° in literally minutes. The OP, imo, came off as judgmental.

[@steppy3736]

@@CM-sy3to exactly!! My husband reached MMI about five years ago. I was all set to return to work. Then my granddaughter was born. Childcare plus the costs of day care for my husband would have left me with about $5/week. I give both of them better care so it wasn't worth it.

[@joshw7415]

It’s not as simple to get nursing home Medicaid as laid out on here. It can take months depending on the state, and you do have to pay her social security minus a personal need allowance to the facility each month. I’m an operator in TX, IN and FL.

[@eclipse.5295]

Truth! Social worker in Florida

[@ja7124]

Hi Josh, I’m in Texas and my mother may need to go into a nursing home at some point. Can you direct me to any websites on how that works in Texas?

[@fl3162]

Run! She had her life.

[@mikesmith-wk7vy]

The siblings stole her money make them pay for it

[@marietaylor5174]

They are probably broke, so good luck with that idea!

[@carojames6776]

Anyone caught stealing from their own parents should have their hands chopped off.

[@melb2734]

Right? If they have any left, tell them to help!

[@leatharay3565]

Exactly

[@mommalion7028]

My mom spent her stimulus money on take out. I did a little of that but put the rest away until I could get approved for a home loan and then used it on the down payment. I love my mom but I told her she is not moving in with me because is not good room mate material. She is a fun friend but she is too erratic to live with again.

[@bbrcummins1984]

My dad has had my back for 59 years , ill do whatever it takes to make sure my father enjoys the rest of his life.

[@anitas5817]

You are fortunate and so is he. A lot of these stories are not about parents who have helped their children.

[@brendamoon2660]

That's the way it should be but too many people neglect their kids and then expect to be taken care of the way they never provided

[@Nicole-zv7ee]

@@anitas5817 Exactly! My financially irresponsible mom has not only filed for bankruptcy 2x, in spite of having a 6 figure income for most of her life.....but, she has also been married 5x.......she's technically been married 6x, if I count the fact that she married one of her husbands, twice. It's unreasonable for irresponsible parents that have put their kids through literal hell, to then expect their children to give them money.

[@rafterh2181]

Found out my Dad was living in his truck at 80 yrs old, wasted all his money. Bought him an RV to live in and put in an RV park so he would have a roof over his head. My Mom 400 miles on other side of me in same state and I have to help her and my step dad. It's rough.

[@JesusIsLord7773]

God bless you 🙏🏼❤️

[@rosc2022]

It's good of you to help, but you don't "have to." You said "I have to." Words can make things so much harder.

[@nicem8746]

Good person to help, but also take care of yourself.

[@DanaLuvsNature]

Hang in there. Your kindness will be re-warded if you are saved. I'm glad Dad didn't expect you to care for him. Some folks convert their garage into a living space

[@johnsullivan3375]

❤

[@Kewljean]

I'm a nurse. Nobody seems to consider care about what will happen with their animals or even their own care when they become very elderly. Its tied to major obesity (self-indulgence)- nobody thinks about who will bathe, wipe them, turn them, etc. I'm amazed by the lack of consideration and planning for one's future.

[@e79422]

Very simple...you are not responsible for paying your mother's bills and should not feel guilty for not paying them. Especially if she was irresponsible. I bet she doesn't feel guilty about you paying her bills.

[@dougprentice1363]

So now we all get to pay her bills.

[@erynlasgalen1949]

@@dougprentice1363 We all get to pay the bills for irresponsible people one way or the other. It sucks, but that's the way the world works.

[@rms539]

She needs to qualify first. You just can't put someone in a nursing home.

[@sharondoan1447]

She is the mother, that does not give her a free pass. This man is honoring her by caring to help work out how she will find care. Obligation fulfilled. Send letters, call if possible Visit when able. He loves his mother which does not mean he has to enable her bad behavior and alleviate the consequences of her poor choices. No guilt.

[@drchrisgrayson2042]

Hi, Buddy how are you and your weather condition like today?

[@sharondoan1447]

I completely agree with you about what it means to honor a parent as an adult.

[@whitney6641]

Why shouldn't she sell her house if she's living in a nursing home on tax payers dime?

[@user-fs6ou3fk9p]

I think one of her children wants to live there. The cycle continues.

[@PhantomMagician1846]

maybe the Democrats shouldn't have given BILLIONS to fund foreign wars

[@fulanichild3138]

This is great advice. I see so many people who are afraid to go that route, partly because we are conditioned to think that it's some sort of betrayal of a loved one. It's not a betrayal. It's life. No one should put themselves in the poorhouse because of this fear of betrayal. It will be an adjustment for everyone at first. But everyone will adjust. They can soothe their guilt by visiting regularly, making sure Mom is getting good care, and taking her to lunch once a week if she is up to it.

[@virgierutledge3004]

Not lunch. Celery

[@cmcmanu8]

I have never related more to a call. However, I’m the only child and have to deal with this on my own

[@minoozolala]

You’re lucky. I had to deal with it with a sociopath brother.

[@marquisstrongchild7535]

Lol of course you are on the hook when your parents mismanage their money. The earlier you realize that, the earlier it will be more peaceful for you. I know this, so I throw a tantrum before and after my mom spends recklessly. The whole family tells me "it's not your money...", but I know what I'm doing. I'm making myself the least comfortable person to talk to for a bailout whenever there is a money problem. 😌.

[@sherryobar5750]

Touche!

[@powerhouse5853]

😂

[@BusArch42]

Amen

[@tracywhitcher2128]

Yeah those family members who blah blah blah show up for nothing and think their obsevations matter.

[@williamloree905]

I was brought up to take care of my grandmother & my mother & father. I took care of my daughter when she had cancer. I had no regrets when they died - I loved them. Thank you Father

[@pamettmayer2391]

Caring for a parents is the hardest job on the planet. Especially when the siblings can’t face the music.

[@Maelu-op9gf]

So crazy! That 400k could have helped fund her retirement

[@dansdrumchannel9239]

Agreed! That money WAS her retirement solved. A large percentage of folks in the US retire with less than that!!😔

[@chipsnotchunks2620]

There you go POS, you're off the hook!

[@donaldlyons17]

As long as her expenses are more than 400k she will likely go broke!!!!

[@Dobiegal]

That was the caller's point. She HAD the money and blew it. I agree with Dave on this one.

[@Imissnormal]

She would have done pretty well if she put a small fraction of that into the S&P.

[@Kysen10]

She's now the governments problem. Hasn't worked for 20 years and is only 62, yikes.

[@ellencox8415]

LOL so she's everyone's problem now lol great. Thanks. Lol

[@HighCountryRambler]

NO, if you're paying taxes and plan to use your earned SS benefits, SHE'S OUR PROBLEM.. Maybe if it was more difficult to go on welfare, people might go back to work.

[@CM-sy3to]

She owns an RV park...that's income just like all rental investment properties. Her kids are just wanting the property but not her.

[@melb2734]

Hey, if I stopped working today, I would be the same age she was when she stopped working! Time for my retirement? LOL

[@PInk77W1]

She’s 62 and overweight and invalid Me 61 and riding my bicycle 100miles today

[@politcallycorrect5816]

do you want a medal lol. what was the purpose of this comment?

[@PInk77W1]

@@politcallycorrect5816 the same purpose as your comment

[@PInk77W1]

@@politcallycorrect5816 life is conditioned by contrast

[@scottgoodson5132]

@@politcallycorrect5816 It’s a valid comparison. Most people at 62 are nowhere near becoming incapacitated and needing to go into a nursing home. His moms current situation sounds like the result of bad decisions and a shitty lifestyle

[@politcallycorrect5816]

@@scottgoodson5132 Just like everything, it could be lifestyle, or it could be a predisposed condition, we dont know. His comment added nothing to the discussion. this is about her finances.

[@jgdooley2003]

Mobility is the key factor. If the person cannot move then you need a lot of people to move the patient and a lot of different people over time. Senior care is, in my opinion, not a life long job because your back gives out when the carer reaches middle age. All to often a family member gives up a job to look after an aging parent and ends up jobless and too worn out to take up a job after the parent dies. In most cases the siblings do not weigh in to provide for the primary carer and they often end up penniless and even without a partner in later life.

[@sandrapride1046]

A great senior lawyer is a blessing!

[@RoseNZieg]

a family friend is going through the same thing. he decided not to help her once she ran through the inheritance. I recalled her as a good(?) mother but she won't listen to good advice. once she hits the bottom of all bottoms, she will regret it and it will be too late. she burnt her bridges. no one will be willing to trust her with their money.

[@carolynstewart8465]

You all have made her behavior possible. Let her figure things out. You can't care more about her problems than she does.❤

[@libertysprings2244]

I had the thought when I saw the title that it could be a friend of mine calling so I clicked just in case 😂

[@ryantrudell4686]

My parents are in their mid to late 60's, and play pickleball and table tennis multiple times a week. For their age, they are in fantastic shape and active, and I can't describe how much of a relief and blessing it is knowing that I won't find myself in a similar situation as this guy.

[@chrispeters8555]

Yeah my mid 60 year old parents are in excellent shape as well... no concerns health wise for me! My biggest issue is getting them to spend the money they spent there entire life saving... my sister and I harass them all the time and they just say us telling them to spend it makes them want to save more for us hahaha! I just cant win!

[@Jane5720]

At least not right now

[@bigbird4481]

@@Jane5720 well aren't you a little ray of sunshine

[@lauren4078]

@@chrispeters8555 Ask them what they're saving their money for. These are their golden years... they should treat themselves to some indulgences. They've worked so hard for it! Sounds like you have great parents.

[@firefly9838]

@@lauren4078 to some saving is a game. Some just can't quit.

[@travisabt6805]

Thank goodness my folks are set to retire in a couple years. They recently revealed that they do have an inheritance set up so that my sister and I would receive significant money. But I still choose to continue to save as if I won't receive SS, inheritance or a pension from the DoD.

[@HighCountryRambler]

What I was led to believe, then my dad had serious lung surgeries that drained their savings, and my mom lived to 94 which depleted her savings and ended up on Medicaid. Thank goodness I did the same as you indicated when I was young, save like there will be no SS or Pension, max out everything possible. Now retired on SS, pension and paid for a rental house all is good. My only concern is the clown show that's supposed to be running our country.

[@melb2734]

Probably a good idea. You never know if they're going to end up spending the savings down in a care home or some other way. If things go well and you have both a savings and an inheritance someday, great.

[@dos14dos14]

Your parents should never have revealed that to you. I have plenty of money and my children know they will get whatever is left. I paid for college/graduate school/doctorate degree. I have set them up to be successful themself. BTW, those government pensions are draining our economy.

[@rpenmark1776]

my 83 year old mother is exactly the same. 100% entitled and 100% unwilling to accept any responsibility for ridiculous spending such as ongoing $10K a year for home shopping crap- all on credit card that's not paid off. She just sold her house and has 90$. She will blow through that within 24 months or sooner. I spoke with elder attorney and there's not much I can do to stop this lunacy. She is currently in senior community but is not medicare/medicaid protected. They can (and will) evict her for non payment. She is gambling this very community will transfer her to their medicare/medicaid facilities in the future (when the $ runs out) but refuses to admit they have zero obligation to do so. I've talked and yelled and screamed and it does not good. I believe I have fulfilled my moral and ethical obligation to her and have walked away. I guess she will end up in some crappy state run medicaid nursing home and folks, that is an ugly place to be.

[@mray8519]

Some people are hopeless. They WILL drag everyone around them into the ground unless you break away.

[@itchyisvegeta]

Grown adult children should never be expected to take care of elderly parents. Not saying people can't nor shouldn't. Just shouldn't be expected. It acts as an enabling bad behavior and life choices that may lead to poor health and living standards.

[@StevenCampsOut]

Stop and think about what you just said. Your parents, if they did their job right, took responsibility for you for the first 18 years of your life. You owe them at the very least 18 years worth of support near the end of their life. If you love them, you'll take care of them.

[@itchyisvegeta]

@StevenCampsOut Funny how you use that word "if". IF they actually did what you said, they wouldn't ever expect children to take care of them with a sense of entitlement. IF they actually did right, later in life it would be, "dad, you ok? You need a place to stay? You need help moving? You need help with groceries?" Etc. Not, "hey I'm retired, I'm moving in or need money." No, F*** that! If you have a sense of entitlement, you will fail to prepare and take responsibility for yourself.

[@glennwatson3313]

Its not government funded, its taxpayer funded.

[@useyournoodle100]

So then don't contribute to the care of your elderly and just push them out onto the street. It would lower your taxes.

[@glennwatson3313]

@@useyournoodle100 What are you implying?

[@silentmentor5888]

@@glennwatson3313 Oh that's easy, she's virtue signaling.

[@consumerdebtchitchat]

My late mother taught me ages ago that children are not your backup financial plan.

[@weozol4065]

Tell that to my parents, although it would probably be a little late.

[@Uncommonsenses]

You have two duties as a parent. Raise your children to be able to take care of themselves and look after your own health and finances so that you will not be a burden to your children.

[@jeffc7486]

From my point of view, if your family screws up intentionally, it's not your responsibility to lead a miserable life with them. Everything that they've done should have been well thought out after kids grow up and leave. Visits okay, but taking care no. You shouldn't have be included in their personal retirement plan.

[@rosc2022]

She's 62? Holy cow, that's still so young. That's a tough conversation to have at Thanksgiving.

[@djpuplex]

Was probably her plan all along.

[@libertysprings2244]

" Medicaid rules require you to need a lot of help doing one, two or more of the most basic activities of daily life; like bathing, eating. Or they have a severe cognitive issue like dementia. So, your parent will have to go through a process in which Medicaid assesses their level of need."

[@TheThiaminBlog]

And Medicaid does not pay for memory care. Dementia is very tricky with Medicaid.

[@tylerward6723]

As a Canadian i can say that my mom pretty much squandered it all. I tried to live with her and my sister (who is also in the same boat) to help them out and just could not do it. I need to have both sent to a assisted care home because they are both sick (one is immunocompromised and one is old) however i do not have legal authority and here in Canada you cannot make them do anything they don't want to do. Sadly it is only getting worse, she fell twice today and bonked her head and is refusing to go to the hospital to check herself out. I have basically just threw my hands up in the air and am waiting for her to pass on. It's not worth the headache after 20+ years of this (she's 76). I cannot force her into a home but it is definately time.

[@woxyroxme]

My mom is a pain pill addict and a hoarder who squandered her life savings and when her car bit the dust she expected me to buy her a Lexus SUV, I told her that she needed a Ford Focus and like it and she cried like a toddler. Typical “me generation” entitlement, I paid for my college expenses and my daughter’s too, she got an inheritance that she wasted and I won’t get a dime.

[@BusArch42]

My MiL is addicted to gambling. She blows every penny she gets her hands on. She also has substance abuse problems. We got so tired of the middle of the night calls asking for money. Finally after 30 years of dealing with it she called us with a “emergency” while we were on our once a year family vacation. That was the last straw. It was not an emergency she wanted money to pay deposits for moving to a new place. She had known for at least a month but waited until the day before she had to pay to contact us. There was literally no way we could do anything. We use a credit union and were clear across the country. She had been living with my SiLs family and providing free child care for their kids for the last 7 years (yes she also paid rent etc). My husband told her he was done. They had to manage her business. We had to pay a lot for childcare when ours were little and she wasn’t there helping us out. We had offered to buy a house with a MiL suite so she could move in and help out. We would not have charged rent either. She turned it down. The last four years have been absolutely wonderful without the constant stress of calls for money.

[@scotmandel6699]

@@BusArch42 I would have changed numbers and or blocked hers much earlier.

[@BusArch42]

@@scotmandel6699 I did but hubby had to hit his limit. She also copied emergency contact numbers on our frig during a visit and called and bothered friends and my relatives. It was rough.

[@Kyle-sr6jm]

One of our family friends is in this boat. His dad divorced his mom in her 60's, and she is incapable of any kind of spending control (probably one of the contributing factors in the divorce). He pays for her appartment, bought her a used car. She cannot hold down a job. Pure chaos in everything she touches or becomes involved in.

[@60Airflyte]

And whoever is left in the house pays some rent to mom for spending money.

[@laurieallen7740]

This happen to my mom. Same. It worked out like Dave said. Also if your dad was in military during a war she could be reliable for help.

[@rosc2022]

Reliable? How about eligible? Autocorrect, perhaps?

[@mikemcconeghy4658]

I'm not sure responsibility is the biggest concern when it comes to a loved one. There's a lot of emotion involved. You have to think about what you can live with.

[@rillawhat8142]

Stories like this make me think back about how adamant I was in my 20s, to tell everyone around me to save and invest for their future. 99% didn't listen. And now that we're all older, they're all crying about how broke they are!

[@susanjones8489]

Try investing in the future when your income is only enough to pay the rent and utilities. If you think things are hard now, wait. You’ll be working until you die on the job. Betcha didn’t plan on that.

[@kelliconlan8133]

💯 % know exactly what Evan is going threw. Both my parents are in this spot and I also have siblings that are like his also.

[@stellarocquie7957]

*through

[@jp4546]

What is Evan going through? His sister is the person who is taking care of their mother.

[@fhuber7507]

Not responsible to fund someone else's idiocy. I'd offer support at a level that I could afford without crippling my own finances. That might be pretty low level support... Direct rent payment. Definitely not handing money to someone who will be stupid with it.

[@Columbus1152]

My mother did the same thing, she inherited a decent chunk of money when her mother passed and then squandered it over the next few years. Her health declined and it was becoming more obvious she needed full time care. We approached a state agency that offered home care and enrolled her in that, she was also eligible for SNAP and heating assistance. She finally passed about a year ago at 90 years old, I have three other siblings but of us four only three of us were willing to pay for her funeral costs. Don't put yourself at a financial disadvantage, it will drive a wedge between your siblings and cause resentment for your parents, there are other ways to handle it.

[@theforeignerinamerica1817]

Thanks the lord my Mom has her own insurance where they take care of her for the rest of her life. Good perk from my Dad's job in the bank

[@grannyprepper1181]

Let those who created this mess, deal with it.

[@toosense]

That will be a fun Thanksgiving conversation .. more like Festivus, the airing of grievances. 😅

[@melb2734]

Uuuuuuurrrrrrrrrggggggggggggh!

[@viwanton]

Put her in a nursing home on Medicaid. My mother in law is like that. She has sponged off other people for most of her life.

[@beautepley8352]

I've noticed that a lot of these phone calls come down to emotion regulation. It's pretty universal and simple how to manage your money. It comes down to recognizing and dealing with your emotions.

[@shirleysimcoe9356]

Sorry Dave, they dont take care of you in a nursing home! You go there to die. I just lost my brother in law and he was in a $7k per month nursing home and they did the minimum for him. So sad. I cried everytime i went to see him. Rest in peace my brother.

[@user-dn9vd9xg9p]

Same thing my mom did. Squandered it but a few dollars left and my siblings are awaiting like panting dogs just for that little bit left. It's sickening how family does this instead of making sure mom is taken care of. Those siblings will be judged one day.

[@lolwtnick4362]

Leave her be. she's rushing to the end. Get some therapy for yourself. She took Dave's mantra and did it "Live like no one else now, so you can live like no one else later"

[@MegaLilJen]

She will NOT get nursing home Medicaid if she still owns a home (assuming it is nobody else's primary residence). She must sell stuff off and have only $2000 in assets.

[@krosario3322]

Yes, you are right. We are facing this right now with my parents. It may depend on the state you live in, but our state will get their money back that they spent on my dad in a nursing home, after my mom sells the house or dies. So depressing because they chose not to get LTC insurance years ago.

[@krosario3322]

And yes, he's only allowed $2000 resources and like $65 per month from his pension and SS. They take the rest, so it's not quite how Dave explained it!

[@melb2734]

If she sells her home, she could pay for a nursing home for awhile and then get Medicaid.

[@TheThiaminBlog]

And that’s if she qualifies for Medicaid at all. And Medicaid will want a detailed accounting of what happened to the $400,000 if it was less than 5 years ago. Will likely need to be paid back. Yes, house sold if not primary residence for spouse or a child-and there is a legal definition that goes with that. Can’t give the house to kids.

[@brandiallen7979]

My mother in law was the same, except she illegally accessed a trust and blew all the money, in 5 years, bankrupt twice, the lot. As her dementia kicked in, we had her declared a ward of the state got her a conservator. It was a god send, she was not happy about it, but they moved her into an assisted living that was a small apartment connected to a nursing home. That took all of her social security and pension payments, that is why she went some place so nice. She just kept blowing her money, getting the electricity turned off...get that conservator saved her life. She lived the rest of her life in a safe place, all her meals, people checking in on her to make sure she took her meds, and if she got worse they would transfer her over to the nursing home side. It cost us nothing, except time, documentation, and phone calls. It is a court order, they take total control of the assets but it was the best option. You are not obligated as an adult child to bankrupt yourself or totally disrupt your life because your parents need care. Everyone pays taxes, these programs are available to help you. Medicaid facilities are not some hell scapes where people are chained to the bed screaming. They are drab and institutional but they give care and are defiantly an option.

[@pmbboc]

“She’s my age “. I lost it haha

[@cynthiawaldorf9353]

Mine too, this year Im 62!

[@pnwflipper2089]

I bet Dave took in some exercise after this show

[@wendywaterson8733]

Medicaid care at an appropriate facility. It will likely be a small, shared room, but care can be very good.

[@DisabilityExams]

Someone is bringing her food

[@thomascuvillier7250]

Kind of thing that makes you appreciate your own mom even more.

[@lawrencecarlson2425]

It's a rare person that has prepared for retirement in a responsible way. Most don't save or educate themselves for a good outcome. Human nature folks.

[@DeeCee-nb6ev]

Parents should be responsible for their children, children are not responsible for their parents.

[@Khorvalar]

"A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest; so shall your poverty come like a prowler, and your need like an armed man" Proverbs 24:33

[@gregoryjules2005]

Lol "between me and you Dave"..... *Episode gets 300,000+ views 🤣

[@amireallythatgrumpy6508]

Don't forget the 10-20 million that listened to this on the radio.

[@GrnXnham]

62 is not old. Maybe a good place to start is to spend some money on a weight loss program?

[@Primitive_Code]

I agree but 62 is not old only if you're healthy and in shape. Alot of chronic diseases like heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure start at 50, so she needs to be very worried about her health at her age.

[@genxx2724]

Losing weight is free. As a matter of fact, she’d save a ton of money.

[@BlowitAllUp]

She has no discipline and is 62. Nothings gonna change. No male father figure ever in her life.

[@ceciliajohnson8812]

In my opinion, the mom needs counselling, as well as some sort of fitness routine. Even 10 minutes a day walking and build up from there. The mom needs help in changing her mindset.

[@NYNC88]

She needs to eat the right kind of diet. Unfortunately, junk food is addictive.

[@BubbaDog001]

I am in a similar situation. My mother refused the nursing home. So I guess it’s the street.

[@bakerwannabe4435]

If this lady really needs a nursing home, it will be after her Dr or many Drs agree and write the order for it but that will be based on medical need not because she can no longer has any savings. A lot of criteria must be met to enter a skilled nursing facility that will be paid by Medicare/ Medicaid and if she were to fill out the paperwork to apply today, it would probably take at least 60 days for her to be evaluated and get approved. If she is 62, she most likely is eligible for social security if she has met the requirements. Working in the past 20 years is not one of the requirements. There has to be a minimum payments made into the system over her lifetime for the required timeframe or she may qualify through a previous spouse if she was married at least 10 years, I think. Regardless if she qualifies or not, I have to say that a lot of comments on here are so judgmental regarding this lady that gave no account of her circumstances herself. Also, this caller may not know the extent of his mother’s medical needs.

[@jp4546]

Thank you! My thoughts exactly

[@nspowers7130]

Excellent. Thank you for a good answer.

[@eloisesjohnson28]

A person really needs an advocate if put in a nursing home. If no one visits her regularly she could be abused.

[@curiouscat3384]

I counsel everyone I know to have ongoing family conferences (even as young adults) to share how they feel about death and dying (consider life support and try to live at all costs vs. hospice care kind of stuff) and definitely before someone becomes disabled, plan a worst case scenario for each person. Learn each other's wishes and learn each other's tolerance and capability to care for another. A good retirement is not just about having a million$ in the bank, there's all kinds of emotional and physical changes to plan for as well.

[@mlovespring7892]

My mom is 65 and live on fix ss income, I support her with everything. Her money is for her fun and charity. Our siblings gives her money here and there and she is to use her money however she wish. Love and respect your parents! ❤🙏🙏🙏

[@TShirtAndReeboks]

That may not be too expensive to do if she lives with you and is healthy. It will be very difficult to do as she ages and requires regular medical interventions.

[@fellspilts3932]

why you give her money if she didn’t plan for her future i see it as it’s honestly her fault

[@peters.6343]

Why is she giving to charity if you and your siblings have to give her money? Basically you’re giving to charity!!!

[@dorothydecesare1607]

Fifth commandment : Honour thy father and thy mother. Sounds like you are doing just that. Amen 🙏😇🙏

[@Melissa-gn3dv]

That's not at all the same situation that this man is in. It is hard to have a relationship with a mother who won't treat you or even herself with any respect. She is working against him. Just by calling the show it seems that he is trying but the family is not cooperating.

[@someginger6996]

The answer is no