Rethinking Parenting

[@rincentvanuggh1911]

Its a misconception that giving a child things they want makes them spoiled. Spoiled children are children who have learned that if they kick off, they get what they want. You don't spoil a child when you give them ice-cream, you spoil them when you say "no icecream" then they throw a tantrum and you give them ice cream to appease them. That's essentially rewarding the child for being horrible.

[@ahuman5772]

That's not a misconception, if you give a child whatever they want, whenever they want, they will become spoiled. Children need to know that they can't have whatever they want whenever they want. It doesn't mean you should never give them anything, of course. Would you give an adult whatever they want whenever they want? Of course not, that's unreasonable, and it's the same for a child.

[@janniskastner4396]

​@@ahuman5772 Why wouldn't I give an adult whatever they want whenever they want, when I can and want to, when nobody gets hurt?

[@Nai-qk4vp]

@@ahuman5772 Absolutely false. Again, the falsehood here is that they will start taking from and stepping on others when they get what they want. This whole thing is not a zero sum game. They can have what they want and others too. Only when they start taking from others and being rewarded for bad behaviour(as hierarchies all do) are they actually spoiled. The "common sense" view is nonsense.

[@kilgore_trout_37]

@@ahuman5772 Respectfully to you both, these are both misconceptions. The idea that you can “spoil” a child is a Victorian idea, and also included things like hugging your kids and telling them you love them. They are people. You can’t ruin a whole ass person with how you parent them. There are plenty of people raised in extremely permissive households who turn out fine, just like there are people who survive incredibly abusive homes and escape to become their own happy and functional adults. These are two extremes obviously, and not great parenting choices by any of our standards, but I think one is better than the other! Spoiling isn’t a thing, so says any modern parenting books, but also your kid is gonna have tantrums- that’s just a normal stage of development. You can shorten the duration of the tantrum with how you respond to it, but there’s nothing you can do to keep it from happening. You can teach and train emotional regulation to your kiddo and eventually get those tantrums down to seconds. Personally I don’t find it very useful to reward a tantrum, but I don’t think poorly of any parent that makes that choice- sometimes yes is the shortest solution in the moment, with the only real harm being that you’re extending the period of time that your kid will use tantrums as their main form of expressing their upset feelings.

[@ambatuBUHSURK]

@@kilgore_trout_37 Spoiling is very much a thing whether you like it or not. You can absolutely ruin a person with how you parent them. Things like trauma & social conditioning are real.

[@Redsomethingsomething]

"All power to all the people, including the little ones." was somehow both a very cute yet meaning-heavy way to end the video. Amazing work!

[@freyabees]

My man bought a plane ticket and backpacked across all of Italy every time he had to say Montessori. Incredible.

[@freyabees]

And several times he didn't have to say it

[@animation2649]

When I was younger my parents used to involve me in decisions, listen to me, give me tasks around the house, and buy me books of topics I was interested in learning. My best friend got whipped by his father instead, because he was supposedly lazy. But my father realized that my best friend was in fact, poor sighted and in need of glasses. Even after getting glasses, he still got whipped for the most absurd of reasons, like taking too much time in the restroom. When he became a teenager he started doing martial arts and eventually kicked his father out of the house.

[@ilikecookies9796]

Good for him.

[@ceasarsalazar5940]

--how exactly does one kick their father out of the house?

[@justthecoolestdudeyo9446]

@@ceasarsalazar5940 With martial arts

[@Nai-qk4vp]

@@ceasarsalazar5940 By dragging him and throwing him out.

[@PapaSmurf11182nd]

@@ilikecookies9796 👍🏻 I literally said those words before I read your comment

[@jacktaipen2077]

This is how my sister and I were raised and it's the best. But parents who both work full time cannot raise a young child this way, but many are not ready for that conversation.

[@vanderdendur4640]

Child liberation 15 hour work week 🤝 Abolishing capitalism

[@elvil]

Who else aside from your parents took care of you? I have a baby brother. I want to know who else aside from us can help raise him.

[@rishabhanand4973]

@@vanderdendur4640 funny how the party that claims to care so much about the family wants parents working 80 hour weeks, meaning they can't even be there to raise their kid

[@JuliaH-c6f]

​@@vanderdendur4640YES!

[@kendrixhavlik3051]

A good solution to that that doesn't require the whole housewife problem might be parental leave for *both* parents, shorter workweeks and/or UBI (so ppl can just take some years off while the kids are small). (all things that are good ideas anyway) - those who get along with their families might also try the extended family method or living with friends, but thats not possible for everyone.

[@james-cal]

I wanna send this to my parents, but honestly I think they'd just take offense and react defensively rather than be open to learning and adopting a new perspective.

[@Andrewism]

Unfortunately these sorts of conversations can be difficult to have between family.

[@TheMPExperience]

Send them the video! You never know what might spark some new perspectives for your parents. It is worth a try.

[@soundofazure]

Yeah, I feel that. I’m hoping to bring up how helpful our relatives and neighbours were during my childhood, even more so when my siblings came along. Good luck to you, however you decide. ❤

[@freedomfighter4990]

Send it to them anyway. At the very least, seeing this video will open up a conversation.

[@Pingijno]

it really do be like that

[@EayuProuxm]

It's good to know even in Puritan times, there were people amongst the Puritans who saw child beating as cruel.

[@sillycookie]

Every era always had good people. I take comfort in that.

[@JuliaH-c6f]

​@@sillycookieLike the Quakers, for example. I still can't believe they exist and were founded the time they were founded. Crazy.

[@AndrewThoesen]

This is one of the best introductions to parenting strategy alternatives to Western culture that I’ve seen. I have a four year old and one year old and while we practice “gentle parenting” to a degree, seeing cultural precedent definitely helps solidify what it’s supposed to look like. Also, the punishment approach being rooted in Puritanism, especially in the USA, makes a whole lot of things make sense.

[@Vaeldarg]

To be fair to Puritans, organized religion (at least, Abrahamic ones) in general uses these kind of methods to make sure children are trained into incorporating the religion into their own identities by their parents. The local pastor couldn't come home with every family of a town after Sunday service, so parents were used to make sure the teachings were reinforced in daily home life. (now, it has gotten so ingrained in American culture, that people don't even need to physically go to any church, they can simply watch content that matches their own interpretation either here on KZbin or other social media platforms)

[@000Idiote]

As my great grandfather would say: The best way to stop a child from jumping around and tipping the boat isn't to hit them, it's to explain in vivid detail what drowning is

[@communist_kirby]

this could be worse for certain kids at certain ages. for a 4 year old, hearing an in depth explanation of what it feels like to drown could be effective to stopping the kid from messing around while around water, but it could also give them anxiety disorders in general or a phobia of water in specific. when they're 4 it's probably better to just watch over them, let them play but not let them put themselves in danger. but if a kid is 10 or 14 or something and is still fucking around around water like a 4yo would and hasn't gotten some sense, maybe then would be a better time to instill some seriousness in them, bc at that point they can handle it.

[@SamudExu]

@@communist_kirby Not if the kid ends up having a great experience on the boat with their grandfather. I don't think the person in question would explain drowning vividly to a kid and not say anything else during the rest of the boat ride or fishing session. That would be traumatic and awkward.

[@T--xo2uq]

My first thought would be to tell them to look into the water, because that's what I was doing when I realized that death is a thing. It was just so pretty and deep but I knew it was dangerous so I stayed well on the dock

[@iferlyf8172]

@@communist_kirby I think only saying enough for the kid to realize that they really should be more careful would be fine. No need to go into the messed up details to convince them that they do not want it to happen

[@hobocode]

This sounds like a fun challenge actually.... K, how could I do this without being too scary. In the video they made up imaginary monsters for the kids. K, I'm imagining a 4 year old.... It's very important that we stay in the boat. Boats can tip over and we fall out if we run around or play too rough. Take a deep breathe. See how your chest gets bigger? When you're under the water, you can't breathe in. Now lets do a breath holding contest. (20 seconds of breath holding) Well, if our heads go under the water, we can't breathe in the water. We can only breathe the air. So, it's very important to stay in the boat because we can't breathe in water. It's part of water safety. Just like how you're wearing a life jacket which will hold your head out of the water just in case. That's my first try. I'd love to see another person do one. Imagine a 4 year old. Telling them without making them cry or overly scared.

[@AlessandroBertolucci]

As a parent of two teenagers, I agree with your message; you do need a village to raise a child. There's no "but." My wife and I quickly realized that threats, and intimidation often had the opposite effect, so we've cut it out as much as we could (hey, we're not perfect - me in particular - and we lapsed many times) We generally spoke to our children as people, not as "things to be controlled or manipulated". Our goal was and still is to prepare our children to become part of their future society (not ours), hopefully with the skills and abilty they need survive, thrive and/or shape their future. I won't know for another 10 years or so, but I'm confident they will do just fine.

[@Alina_Schmidt]

It may also take longer than 10-ish years. Not because of a mistake of yours or anyone, just because.

[@stephaniechristiano9446]

I am so grateful that you make videos like this. I feel very isolated from other leftists because I have a child and try to include her whenever appropriate in our lives. The narrative of “I hate kids,” is strong where I am and it’s incredibly disheartening. The idea that she’s “my kid” and therefore “my responsibility” dehumanizes her and puts the burden of parenting and all its trappings exclusively on our very tiny immediate family unit. It’s a disservice and it isn’t radical.

[@phononanon]

This has convinced me that I should try to seek a job at a MonteSORRI school. Hopefully by embracing the MonteSORRI pedogogy I can bring the benefits of MonteSORRI methodology to another generation of MonteSORRI students

[@Andrewism]

🤌🏽🤌🏽🤌🏽

[@LucidiaRising]

Montesori is great but I think Sudbury is better :)

[@vaiyaktikasolarbeam1906]

stooop , I cant .........my brain will be full of montessorri

[@camelopardalis84]

Maybe you want to look into RIE parenting. There's a wonderful one and a half hour interview with Magda Gerber, the person who came up with the concept, here on youtube.

[@__-vb3ht]

Haven't looked that deep into it, but one thing I do know is that Montesorri is against telling fantasy stories to kids below a certain age, I think like eight or ten, because they say kids can't differentiate between fiction and truth. Struck me as pretty weird

[@TheXFireball]

It sadened me when folks around my age supports "strict" and/or old school parenting. I do not want my kids to go through what I went through and compared to some folks I got off easy...

[@kuman0110]

same :(

[@horsepowermultimedia]

Already, these old school parenting methods have been proven to actually worsen the child and lead to the methods themselves backfiring.

[@madeline6951]

"when we constantly interfere with the agency of children, we undermine their confidence, problem-solving abilities and self-reliance" Unfortunately, I understand what you mean a touch too much. I was raised isolated, depressed and purposeless. My only motivation became escaping my situation. And now keeping contact with parents is difficult. Just as I think we are having a normal conversation, they start "reminding" me to go to the doctor, eat healthily, etc. These are all good suggestions in a vacuum, however always being undermined like that makes me feel untrustworthy, meek and, frankly, stupid. I feel disrespected and infantilized. That is to say, I think "rebellious" children aren't rebels at all. They are simply human and want to avoid the shame and dehumanization of being dragged through life. They are desperate for respect, boundaries and support. And the parents that respond by trying to boss around their kids even more only make things worse: they erode their relationship with their child, while also pumping them full of shame, isolation and anxiety.

[@courtneys.7113]

i’ve been beginning to think of my childhood in terms of the workplace. where i was forced to do whatever my parents wanted me to do, purposeful or not. i see some of those same things, being forced to do meaningless menial work because the person in charge is feeling particularly spiteful that day. i want to put emphasis on the part of that you eventually just focus on trying to escape your situation. there has been a grieving process with my childhood knowing that my growth was stunted because i was forced to sit in my little box, without any stimulation, and the depression that followed from it was so natural and inevitable. especially as a woman where being trapped in my house wasn’t even a direct punishment but supposedly a way to protect me from the outside world. i’ve had to learn how to live since leaving and seeking resources to self parent has also made me realize how similar it is to community parenting. my parents failed in raising me but the community (people who speak on these subjects) are teaching me. it helps to know i don’t have to work from scratch

[@maxhjermstad6710]

I'm about to be a parent and have been reading a lot lately about parenting that emphasizes true autonomy, equality, and solidarity, and I really appreciate you making such a solid, concise video on the subject. It's lot of good food for thought

[@Andrewism]

Best of luck!

[@nostalgiatrip7331]

Same here man. All the best

[@Nai-qk4vp]

Remember: what did your parents do that truly taught you your mosf important values, that most contribited to health and development? What did they do that you still disaprove and wouldn't want it done again? Remember these questions when raising your young ones. I wish you success.

[@ExperimentalSimplification]

Can you recommend a book on the subject?

[@chidiokoro934]

Would you consider doing a video about living with neurodivergence in an anarchist society

[@Andrewism]

At first, my response to this comment was going to be, "It's something I've thought of but I fear I do not have the lived experience to do it justice." That may still be so, but I believe I might be able to present some thought provoking questions and scenarios that can potentially help us to develop tools and methods that can most effectively include those with neurodivergences. I'll give it more thought and see who I can reach out to to hopefully do this topic justice!

[@diegoevrard-broquet8050]

YES about ADHD also please

[@keelymepi9668]

PDA profile too

[@chidiokoro934]

​@@Andrewism overthrow media is neurodivergent he's good

[@something1600]

I wonder how the MonteSSOOOORRRIII method would interact with neurodivergent people.

[@neeeee7367]

Parethood has been for generations the first form of domination and hierarchy we've been exposed to. Always loving that there are solutions included!!

[@cometogether]

People are sometimes uncomfortable when first hearing about family abolition, but as you've correctly pointed out in this video, the hegemonic nuclear family structure is authoritarian, colonial, and does not provide caretakers with enough support to raise young people. When I start to get into what I mean when I talk about family abolition (which is to say the abolition of the social/political/legal status of the nuclear family and to center care and solidarity in the community instead) it's often parents who are the most supportive of the idea!

[@Andrewism]

I think you'd appreciate my video on Rethinking Family! kzbin.info/www/bejne/np7Uf4Z5mpWqaNk

[@ItIsTheLordWhoKeepsme]

​@AzureWolf150and some people don't trust their relatives to care for them. I know I don't

[@cometogether]

@@Andrewism i do appreciate it! been slowly working my way through your references in that video

[@drphosferrous]

Truedat. Kids need lots of healthy adults around and solid breeder relationships also need friends and family. The model of dad/mom/kids alone in a house as a whole family isn't really healthy for anyone. Its taxing on parents and important things can be neglected.

[@mastervule1844]

Tbh I think this is an issue of leftists not knowing how to address issues without shock value included. Family abolition literally isn't about abolishing the concept of family but about redefining it in more healthy way. Sometimes I have feeling people make these terms just to "own the conservatives" no matter how much they will harm the movement they are part of

[@__-vb3ht]

Do you know of Alfie Kohn? He has written many books on non-coercive, anti-authoritarian, peaceful parenting and schooling. His first book is a great condemnation of competition and what it does to the human soul. Also, parenting is what Graeber calls a self-defeating hierarchy. As are all relationships that are commonly used as examples of justified hierarchies. Doctors, teachers, parents, all aim to make you independent of themselves

[@Duiker36]

I'd never heard the term "self-defeating hierarchy" before and I *adore* it. That helps align so, so much of my thinking. Thank you! I'll have to google what Graeber said about it to expand, but I can do that now that I've got some keywords.

[@crystalunaluminescent4033]

Never heard of him before but I’m definitely looking into him now :) I’m learning so much toward the type of parenting I’ve wanted to give my future kids… And now, not only this video but also the comments section is giving me lots of new resources and knowledge to research more on! 😁 Thanks for sharing everyone!

[@OllyPolly674]

Kohn is great, definitely worth reading some of his articles and books. He also talks a lot about how to break out of reward/punishment models for raising children (both for parents and teachers) and helping a child learn to evaluate themselves freely rather than rely on external approval. For example, if a kid draws a picture, instead of telling them they did a good job, making the picture about how you feel about it, Kohn suggests talking about the picture, mentioning things you see like color choice and stuff, and letting the kid talk about why they made their particular artistic choices.

[@Uhhliver]

As an anarchist preschool teacher, I appreciate this a lot

[@dustind4694]

One thing I'll be proud of on my death bed is that my Ohio River Valley settler-descended father broke the cycle, and I kept going. Kid's graduating college, soon, and giving space while allowing them to return if they need advice or company has some real benefits over trying to train up a kid like a soldier.

[@dustind4694]

Though it helps that grandparents and extended family were involved in both cases. There's no silver bullet, but we can do better, little by little.

[@allyson--]

[@HotDogTimeMachine385]

"The only way to win is not to play" The bloodline ends with me. I refuse to continue this cycle and make anyone suffer like the people directly before me.

[@Carmy0118]

Yes❤

[@edwardwalter3100]

Stay at home dad with a 5 and 3 year old currently. You hit me hard with this one man and I've been trying to implement as much of the gentle practices and child led approaches. It is difficult on your own which has been my route as my son was born just at the start of the pandemic. The focus on having a group of adults to share the load is vital and is something I've been working on developing myself over the past few years. Hard work for sure but absolutely rewarding seeing my children turn into thoughtful little humans.

[@dile5879]

I'm traveling tomorrow with my best friend to her house to be with her and her baby for the rest of the year. I have always known I didn't want to have children, and I have been for as long as I remember always on the side of children. But now I'm an adult and I can see the responsibility that we have with children, not only "our" children, but the children in our families and communities. I'm going as a helper because I recognize that I have a responsibility with my best friend, but also with this new born human, children need supporting adults outside of the structurally authoritarian legal role of the parents, they need to know that belonging doesn't end with our legal guardians, there are options to be and people to trust regardless of legal status.

[@JustGensin]

I don't know if this was an intended effect, but this literally restored my desire to raise children as a queer person. I've been so afraid of raising a child or several children because my own childhood was so traumatic. This video has not only showed me that there is an alternative to traditional US parenting, and gave me one of the best examples of something I've tried to imagine on my own in futility. Thank you so much. I can't express how much this means to me.

[@allyson--]

:)

[@kateh2893]

You will be great, I just know it!

[@user-gu9yq5sj7c]

Children need a dad and mom.

[@bounty_hunter101]

There is not point to 'raising' your child to be deviant. They are or they aren't. Let them just exist, and if they happen to resemble yourself, so be it.

[@1snivy10]

The most important thing from my perspective, beyond the methods shared in this video, is having a supportive network of people to help raise a child. The network should not only be able to assist the child, but you as well- you can't be the best parent if you need to work full time to meet your basic needs. The network should also consist of people who want to help you raise the child, as in, they are not helping just because they're being forced to.

[@lolaquafleur]

hey andrew, this was pretty great as im currently pregnant and although i've done alot of research, it was lovely to see all of my emergent parenting understandings in your eloquent flow.

[@Andrewism]

Best of luck with your parenting! Hope you get all the support you need.

[@ruckly1241]

As a parent, I have a lot of anxiety (I could honestly stop typing there, but I shall continue) about what lessons and example I am setting for my children. How do I respect their autonomy and self-directed learning, while trying to encourage them to do the course work the school district requires of them, even though their neurodivergance makes such work especially difficult and I don't believe that work is necessary? Every suggestion feels like another weight on my already wobbling plate, and another way I can fail them. I need to remind myself that my spouse and I are neurodivergent ourselves. We are disabled, overworked and burnt out. Apart from one grandparent, we have no support, as we have been socially isolated long before the pandemic. And have continued to isolate as the pandemic is still a thing. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself for failing at a task that was never reasonable or possible. And yet I am.

[@rowanpaws2975]

As a teenager who still lives with my parents, these methods of breaking generational trauma with parenting really resonate with me as important to implement, and as early/consistently as possible. I feel like my parents have done the best they could have since I was born, both being rather conscious of alternative parenting, but still I find that there has been unnecessary conflict and trauma from parenting techniques that they never fully unlearned from their parents and from society at large. My parents are aware of where they feel they could have done better, and I am aware of how I can still make it difficult sometimes, but I'm wondering if there is a particular part to parenting in a decolonised way that addresses the child, who is beginning to self-actualise more and more, and particular ways to address the harm of the past and help them grow even with previous experiences making it difficult for them to see the parents' guidance/requests as anything but more authoritarian demands.

[@Andrewism]

It is important to remember that thought they were not successful in breaking all generational curses, our parents may have broken some. The world is not black and white, and I consider it necessary to extend a reasonable measure of grace.

[@Mythil]

I love the comparisons with parenting as it looks in other cultures. As someone who definitely did not want to follow in my own parents' methods but didn't know what an alternative might look like, it gives some great perspectives on what it could look like when decoupled from all the individualistic, hierarchical baggage of the western world.

[@gittevandevelde2208]

that monteSSOOOOORRRIII was lowkey traumatizing tbh

[@something1600]

Why what's wrong with the MonteSSOOOORRRIII method. People fear things like the MONTESSOOOORRRIII because they don't understand things like the MONTESSOOOORRRIII method.

[@happygucci5094]

@@something1600 😂👌🏽

[@AG_KEMPER]

My nieces and nephews are all 4 y/o and under, so I've started using gentle/team childcare techniques on them. They respond so well to it, that their parents are like "I wish I had your patience, because then I could be that kind of parent." They're glad that the kids have an adult in their lives with the patience and emotional capacity that comes with not being the parent. I was raised in a large family that included many non-related "family" members who took on a childcare role. We had a team of individuals who loved us and wanted the best for us, and now I'm trying to keep that going with this next generation.

[@FourtyParsecs]

I'm white and was taught to use corporal punishment. When I had kids, I fortunately had a wiser wife and she showed me that kids don't to be beaten into submission. So I've been able to break from generations of this wrong parenting. It seems like it'd be obvious, but when you grow up being taught to treat children a certain way, you just naturally do that when you have kids of your own, without even thinking about it. New parents are already freaked out about all the new responsibilities a child comes with. So breaking from your own traditions in parenting and forging a new path is very daunting. And sometimes the grandparents can put pressure on the parents to try to get them to revert to "traditional" forms of correction. So, to you parents out there that are breaking free from these generational problems, thank you! You are building a much better world for us all!

[@ericrae7531]

I love the commitment to the "Montessori!" bit. Great video :)

[@cb034]

I've been watching a *lot* of gentle parenting content lately, so this is a fun video to see from you

[@danceteacherrlb]

I'm a teacher and double parent working homes with no community are being CATASTROPHIC to this generation. Children have prepackaged cookies and chips for lunch because mom doesn't have time to make them a sandwich. I know fourth graders who CANT TIE THEIR SHOES because it took less time for the parents to buy velcro shoes than teach them how to tie.They kids at my school don't seem to know how to function around other children and adults who don't just pacify them.

[@bilalafzal7442]

You might want to read john taylor gatto's book, dumbing us down: the hidden curriculum of compulsory schooling and weapons of mass instruction

[@ericosagie3046]

You always see videos of “doing x in an Asian, African, Caribbean home”. People make jokes about this but people are suffering

[@kilgore_trout_37]

Just excellent stuff here, thank you. I spend all day thinking about these things as I raise two kids with my partner. “What does “success” in school look like?” “What are bad words?” and just generally trying to have a collaborative approach with these kids about everything. Life is better I think when you treat kids with respect.

[@Mr.Goodkat]

There is no bad words, only bad intentions. We often say "actions speak louder than words" but then we treat words even ones done out of context and with no intent to harm (like someone blurting out sh*t or fu*k when they drop something) with such a severe response but (and this is even worse) only to youth as if that's not a bigotry, hypocrisy and unnecessary double standard, it's simply "doing unto other's what's hateful when done unto you" so also breaks the "golden moral rule" we'll preach to our kids which is yet more hypocrisy. Now we have a society full to the brim of people obsessed with and engaged in conflict over words, labels and speech almost like constantly having that conditioned into us in the home had an effect? we weren't born fighting over them went into those homes/environments and came out like this. Now everyone is hurting each other over words (an action) because many in society are mistreated into acting like words speak louder than actions and when someone says the wrong word they're justified now in breaking the "golden moral rule" but only if they're the one with more power again mimicking the parent situation to a T as only ones in lesser power have to follow the rules and those with more can do as they want not an attitude we're born with but one we all learn in our first environments over the course of many conditioning years. Now we have a society and countless relationship with everybody jostling for power and people in power acting like "might makes right" all of it can be traced back to the home and school, every single bit and even those from perfect ideal households which are the exact opposite of what I am speaking out against can adopt that toxic attitude just from living in a society it entered into through the home and school.

[@EvilWeiRamirez]

There's a difference between a hierarchy based on skill and one based on authority. Parents are more skilled at life, and can deal with more problems. That doesn't necessarily enforce a power disparity. A parent child relationship is more like a mentor student relationship. The point isn't to keep the mentor status forever. It isn't too oppress the other. It is to lift up. And that hierarchy is limited in nature. It doesn't expand to being the answer to every situation.

[@MegaAthir]

It's time to break free from Aristotelian taxonomy and love children as love heuristically meant and not in the context as shaping them, fantastic work, Andrew!

[@notsosuavemate]

Yes let’s not repeat the cycle but break it

[@AndrewRGross]

This reminds me of a conversation that really impacted me a few weeks ago. I was talking with my grandmother, and reflecting on the fact that it seems like my parenting style is largely a copy of my mother's, and hers seems to have been based on her own upbringing, which was quite gentle. I asked her if she copied her approach from her own parents and she said not really. Not that they were strict, just that the world changed a lot between when she was a girl and when she was a mother. I asked her then where she got her inspiration, and she said she just acted with the recognition that my mom and her siblings didn't ask to be born, and so their love was something to be earned rather than expected. This struck me as remarkably forward thinking, especially for a woman born nearly a hundred years ago. It also reminded me how fortunate I was in the circumstances of my birth. Also, if anyone is curious, I'm fifth generation American, Jewish.

[@niahexe738]

This is the first time I am hearing from (supposedly) another anarchistic parent, who is trying their best to find a way between community, autonomy und looking what works best for them as an individual. I would love to have a group with parents who think like that. Our way to give our child this feeling is also living with three friends of ours, so we are 5 adults and a child in one household. We cook, eat, garden and clean togeher and whenever i tell other parents about this, they are fascinated. Something about raising a child in a group just feels right.

[@tonyisnotdead]

you are deciding what is best for them? to make them more of a individual?

[@withbirds]

i loved this. i feel i was raised in a somewhat individualistic and disconnected way, and I'm trying to get more in touch with community and connection. the idea of re-parenting oneself and the ideas/models mentioned in this video feels like possibly something for me to pursue as well

[@KatKit52]

I'd love to see you talk about child-specific "neurodivergence", such as ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and how that could go with parenting.

[@LPSlight0]

Hey just to weigh in here, ODD is only a disorder because we as a culture value obedience and authority and expect everyone, especially kids, to uphold those values. As a result, when children try to resist coercion in extreme ways, instead of recognizing this behavior as kids trying to assert their needs for autonomy and self-determination, we interpret it as a disorder, as if something is *wrong* with them, because why wouldn't kids be obedient to adults? Basically, the pathologization of a particularly salient need for autonomy in children (what we call ODD) is a reflection of our cultural values, not of an objective scientific-medical reality. If children actually were raised with autonomy in a context of a self-determination culture, ODD wouldn't be a thing. This also correlates with the social model of disability: it's not that there is something inherently wrong with kids "with" ODD, ODD is only a disability in the context of an authoritarian society.

[@kezkai]

ODD is also heavily criticised for how it's disproportionately used against black children, particularly black boys. These black boys may have neurodivergences such as ADHD or Autism or may just be "acting out" or even in many cases just acting as normal children do, and rather than being supported in the same way their white counterpart would be, are pathologised - labelled pathologically defiant - and thus all interaction with "authoritive figures" such as parents, teachers etc in the future are shaped by this pathologisation. This disproportionately punishes black children's behaviour and stunts their ability to grow and learn. It fuels the school to prison pipeline. Kids who are not allowed to grow or learn autonomy because they're "defiant" being pushed further and further into difficult behaviours and towards not trusting authority. I mean, if you were regularly being shown that adults don't have your best interests at heart, you wouldn't trust or listen to them either would you? When learning how ODD pathology is unfair and based upon flawed practice in general, it's even easier to see how further traumatising and abusive it is when used against black children especially within a context of the US or UK for example, where these black children are already in a world that criminalises and demonises them especially the police - police who are called by schools against "defiant" "scary" "angry" black boys, who shoot those same boys. Who will identify that same distress in older black men and those detainments end in death as well, that is if they weren't shot on sight. the PDA profile in Autism is criticised in some similar ways for how it's used against autistic children and used to introduce punishment and negative reinforcement, and many are working hard to build a better understanding of PDA profiles. A better understanding of what ODD actually is and if its fair or accurate for it to be it's own distinct disorder etc are all being studied and discussed too. Its not necessarily accurate to say that anything considered ODD simply doesn't exist, but it's definitely accurate to say that it is a discriminate diagnosis both within how it's pathologised and how adult figures are taught, or not taught, to deal with or understand it.

[@SloMoMonday]

Growing up in a vibrant muti-generational/cultural household and neighborhood did a lot to offset the trauma and anger from my more puritanical father and fundamentalist schooling. It was obvious that living in constant fear and anxiety was not normal and I later learned that it was a inherited problem going back beyond when anyone can remember. Your words have further fueled my conviction to break this senseless cycle and have inspired me to further explore these cultures/mindsets. I am grateful good sir.

[@BL-sd2qw]

Inuit people are one of the most gentle, and have one of the most respectful children. Who would have guessed that treating people with respect would make them learn to treat others with respect?

[@youtubeuniversity3638]

It is earnestly a bit disturbing to think there are currently worse parents out there than I am convinced I would be...

[@tayb4812]

As a teacher and a new parent, thanks for putting this video together. It's put words to a lot of things I've felt and seen at work and home. I get a lot of confusion from colleagues when I approach teaching using I guess would be closest to gentle parenting, I've been called too soft or a push over. I've always said that "kids don't do what you say, they do what you do", so if I want kids to listen and show respect, I have to do the same, if I don't want kids to shout and scream in anger, I can't shout at the kids in my class. If I want them to be quiet, patient, respectful and kind, I have to show them what that looks like first, in the same way were expected to demonstrate reading and writing.

[@MainelyMandy]

My sister is a mom following gentle parenting methods and I astonded at her patience and understanding with her kids. Just so different than what we experienced growing up. Gives me a lot of hope seeing her work so hard to unpack and unlearn how we were taught. Thanks for making this!

[@symmetrysystem1642]

really really amazing video. we literally had to stop watching bc we were crying too hard bc it is everything we craved as a child but didn't have the words for -Evi

[@allyson--]

[@aquatictrotsky1067]

2:40 As an autistic person, something this observation reminded me of is that many practitioners and supporters of ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis, which is essentially conversion therapy for autistic people) will argue that it's necessary and even good on the basis that it minimizes the risk of black and brown autistic people being subjected to police violence.

[@gentle2k504]

i work for a non profit after school program, i’ve been really inspired to be in the community more, this video is perfect for finding new ways to lead my class in a way that doesn’t just repeat the cycles the students might experience at home and in school

[@garaicaruth3536]

I’m sorry I’m CRYING at “MonTeSooooRi 👨🏻‍🍳🇮🇹🍝”

[@DocKrazy]

All of this (as well as this shift in paretnting tactics as I keep increasingly seeing on my social media feeds) is so much what I've always felt. I don't realy have the desire to have children of my own (though adoption is very much on the table), but I aim to be an alloparent whenever I can. Children are wonderful people and they deserve respect and care.

[@Patchouliprince]

My partner and I are helping my grandmother raise my little brother, we have split custody and he goes between us every other week. I talk about this a lot with my therapist, and I’m constantly doing work to make sure I’m able to show up the best I can for my brother. My therapist recently recommended Parenting From the Inside Out and it’s a great book, highly highly suggest a read

[@BurnBluefireK]

I went to a Montessori School for Pre-K and it's definitely been an integral part of my creative and curious development especially as an autistic person. which is kind of nuts since it was just one year. I really wish I could have continued with the school because I was immediately more alienated in the traditional public school structure. My teachers were baffled just because I asked questions about why we did certain things and it got shrugged off by my parents as me learning defiant behaviors from my older brother or something. School only got worse as kids learn to bully then prey on me as someone who was already ostracized. and teachers in the broader school structure are only going to reinforce those authoritarian tendencies from other kids.

[@Duiker36]

IMO, the Montessori Method works extremely well at the pre-K level and becomes less and less capable as the child grows older, so I don't think you actually missed all that much. During my dive into the literature, I mostly saw a lot of focus on 2-5 year-olds and very little work done on how older children should be guided. Maybe that has changed since I moved on from learning about that area, but I doubt it. You probably would have been bullied less, but mainly because the teacher-student ratio would have been better.

[@mikevallerga1295]

As a parent exhausted by what it takes to raise a kid and get by under capitalism, watching this was really invigorating! It made me excited to be more mindful of these kinds of parenting ideals.

[@brodyjohnstancliff4822]

Quibble: "Nahua" is pronounced like "Nawa" because it's spelled using (quite old) Spanish spelling rules. Love your videos! They always have something in them that expands my perspective and understanding! Thank you for your work!

[@fluffynyasquirrel]

im quechua and its nice to see people mention us. great content as always.

[@thrillhouse4151]

10:35, as always I really love the choice of art, I’m having lots of good memories of my old reading textbooks in the mid 90s.

[@davidfetter]

Parent here, absolutely love this. We've come a long way, and have a joyous exploration ahead.

[@unitymomentum]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this SO MUCH!!! My heart has been crying this since I was a young tween

[@gamewrit0058]

6:05 "Childrearing does not need to be so miserable for all parties involved." 9:40 "That's right, these kids work without the profit motive. Checkmate capitalists."

[@stekra3159]

I just love how you clealy had fun pronucing the Montessori method.

[@IndomitableAde]

2:40 long before I became a parent I'd heard the phrase "schoolhouse to jailhouse pipeline" and I was sickened but not surprised by its practice and ramifications. My justification was that my son needed to behave in school in a way that would minimize his encounters with the penal system and police, thereby diverting him from the pipeline and avoiding modern lynchings. I'm realizing I expected a 3rd grade school child to regulate his emotional behavior in accordance with the understanding that he might be disciplined more severely than his white classmates even though they were academic peers and friends. That's an incredibly heavy and adult burden to place upon a child. Thank you for making me realize I want to apologize to my soon-to-be twenty-year-old.

[@jasonjacoby]

Man, I'm trying to pay attention and you've got me in tears laughing at Montessori

[@mwenyachikwa4685]

I started watching this with high doubts but I leave with the usual shading away of ignorance I get after watching your videos. Keep it man. Your channel is def working.

[@tavitafish]

Honestly so glad this video exists, not because it enlightened me a whole lot (I already agreed with everything said) but I can send it to my partner and watch it with my daughter to make sure we're all operating on the same wave length

[@LaramidiaWX]

Thank you! You've summarized precisely the sort of parenting and community style I am striving for.

[@josiahklein70]

I feel so afraid. I've been missing out on much of this wisdom for most of my life. We make it work, but it could work much better. Thank you, Andrew.

[@rmt3589]

Aloparents. I love that word now! Finally subscribed.

[@anettera3460]

such a good topic, thanks andrew :)

[@RevShifty]

I don't have any children and never even really liked them all that much, and this was still an amazing video. The variety of approaches mentioned, the over arching goal, the community building, and the ease with which you explain such complex topics made this a pleasure to watch. I'm not sure it made me want to have children around me any more than I did before watching it, but it definitely gave me a lot to think about when I do deal with children. Thank you.

[@im-here]

Every time I see one of your videos I have the urge to show it to everyone I know, thank you for these

[@Jesse-bv1kp]

Thank you so much for providing a proper contextually accurate explanation for "the rod" analogy used in Proverbs at time stamp 2:20 in the upper right hand corner.

[@magepunk2376]

“All power to all the people, including the little ones.” -Beautiful

[@happynaturalist1793]

I’m here because of Zoe Bee! Love your vid and am now following. Seems like part of this video was inspired by _Hunt, Gather, Parent_ maybe?

[@FinntasticMrFox]

Your videos always leave me so hopeful and motivated.

[@drphosferrous]

Its hard to teach kids that heirarchies are fake because sometimes you have to get a little authoritarian. It helps when they know your motivations and goals. It helps to pick your battles very selectively and only make a hard rule or promise when you can absolutely follow through. Kids dont really need to learn obedience or heirarchy. First 6 years are very important. If you can keep them close to a main caregiver and involved throughout that time, they will have the confidence to think clearly later. If you can't make close time with them a constant priority in their first 6 years, the damage will be worse than the damage of poverty,divorce,or iffy nutrition. Too many parents both work full time because they're afraid poverty makes them bad parents.

[@SpecialInterestShow]

This is why I absolutely adore the TV show Bluey. It shows such good parenting!!!

[@theonlymegumegu]

im so glad i ran across this video. whenever my brain goes down the rabbit hole of how to change culture, i inevitably end up at raising children and this has given a lot of good info to mull over on that subject.

[@lukehorton4373]

I’ve realized over the past couple years that I do want to be a parent. Not sure what that would look like yet but this video makes me feel inspired!! ❤

[@kateh2893]

Keith Haring would be SO PROUD to have his artwork associated with your artwork! Great taste in your art picks.

[@rainebow77]

very, very good video. i have worked with many children in different jobs and arrangements in the past and love to see you talking to your audience about such an important issue, while communicating many points i consider crucial for a healthy childhood. some small notes though (sry for my english): 1. montessori. i love the idea and many aspects of the concept, in reality it sadly is only open to privileged parents/children (as u already said), them growing up among each other can (!) stand in the way of learning to take different perspectives. also, there is quite an esoteric part to the ideology (montessori teachers talking to angels,...). AND reports of violent teachers are often being kept undercthe radar for years, it is a very intransparent network of power, that often indirectly supports the violent ones. that last part i only know about in germany wgere i live. i dont want to discredit a big part of the ideas and the teachers, but this should be mentioned. 2. taking it too far. i dont want to say, we can take respect, understanding and validating emotions too far, but i met enough parents that wanted to give their children the childhood they never had and then went to far in the right direction. for example, most children have wayyyy go many toys, especially in the Western world (which gets in the way of developing creativity, focus and the ability to listen to oneself. also, quite obviously, it reproduces a capitalistic, materialistic worldview). also they allow their children to much. some behaviour is harmful to the child itself, or others (maybe only in a broader sense, which the child cant understand). of course, u should not punish this behaviour, I would not even call it "bad", but only "inappropriate". but u can teach ur cbildren that through communication and being a role model. communicating boundaries from an early age in an empathic way, teaches children to listen to their own boundaries, as well as to the ones of others. I also met too many parents, that gave their children "all the help", but u asically talked about that under the key word autonomy. children need to have the feeling, that they CAN come to their caregivers for help, so they can try ro solve problems themselves first, bc they know, if really necessary, they can later ask for help if it did not work. so u should show children, they will get help if they ask for it, but not always give it to them just bc u would like to see them succeed (my mom did this and it left me with crippling anxiety, that I wont be able to succeed an my own) 3. an partly unfair world. just as u should not tell kids the world is inherently cruel, u should also not be silent about problems in it. people outside of your bubble wont communicate in a healthy way, ur kid will be bullied, maybe discriminated or "just" not be understood. it is important, to listen when kids talk about these experiences, to validate their feelings and then guide them, to find tools to deal with this. If ur child feels it can always talk to you, yoi wont need to initiate this (in most cases). children see so much more, then we give them credit for and are naturally driven by curiosity. 4. the perfect parent perfect is a construct, not just unrealistic, but also harmful. raising children is extremely stressful and you have forgive urself, if u sometimes act in ways, in generally know to be "wrong". dont think of urself as a "good" or "bad" parent, u r u. important is not a perfect parenthood with no drama and anger, but to excuse to your children afterwards, to tell them that you still love them and, of they get a little older, why u reacted in a certain way. that way, they can learn to accept their own imperfections and how to smooth out wrinkles afterwards. key here is respect, u and ur child (and everyone else involved) deserves the same amount of respect, though they probably got different nee also, it is okay to admit, that parenting is hard. you, as a parent, need a safe place to talk about the difficulties of childrearing, to gain new energy and process the negative emotions, that will inevitably arise, bc of stress or generational trauma or other triggers. your child needs a aupport system and so do you. it doesnt make u weak, it makes u human. u could read my last 2 points as explanation or excuse for not changing the societal "normal" standards in childrearing, of course that is not what I meant. Again, very good video, I also gained some perspectives and ideas, which were not on my radar. thank u for ur content

[@nsjhdhdhdbhsudgvdydb7751]

the book "complex ptsd from surving to thriving" by pete walker really helped me with my trauma and understanding my families generational trauma.

[@JuhoHartikainen]

In addition to TEAM, Montessori and gentle parenting, Parent Effectiveness Training (Thomas Gordon & Linda Adams) also seems like a fairly wholesome framework for raising children.

[@clementinemorisette2355]

2:14: PSA: Rod= Old timey english word for cross (like specifically the holy cross)

[@runawaythoughts5183]

As someone that went to a Montessori school, the way you say it makes me cackle everytime

[@magdajabonska537]

Omg TEAM parenting speaks to me deeply. I was raised by not very authoritarian and punitive, but overprotective and controlling parents who did everything for me, sometimes even my homework, and here I was as a teenager and young adult struggling to understand why I am always procrastinating, have no self-efficacy and I'm always waiting for others to do things for me or help me. And it's not like this parenting method was even benefitting them, as they were doing the chores for both themselves as well as most of mine.

[@meepm5112]

First off, thank you so much for this video and for the others you’ve made involving parenting in an anarchist space! I love learning about this topic to inform my own parenting. Parenting with love and respect often feels somewhat futile in this current capitalistic, authoritarian landscape. Especially when the immediate community (family, in this case) have… “other” ideas about what parenting looks like. One of the more surprising experiences is finding myself cringing when one of my parents talks with my kid in the way they spoke to me - demanding that my child behave a certain way (usually quieter, physically and emotionally) in order to be given the respect of a conversation. This typically results in me removing my kid and having a conversation about treating them with respect! But whether that is truly heard or not can’t be controlled or expected. But another eye-opening experience of being a parent is making a mistake - worse yet, repeating one in the cycle of parenting everyone in my recent lineage received. That feeling of “oh my god, I’m doing it to them too. They must feel that same shitty feeling I felt. And I caused it.” I remind myself that I will never be perfect, and that I won’t always do well, and that my kid will be okay. Until caring for my baby, I never understood how all-encompassing the responsibility would be. How earth-shattering the guilt can feel. How happy and proud I could feel at their progress into personhood. How you can mourn what was done to you, and to your parents, and to theirs, that led you all to this moment. How hopeful you can feel seeing other people and their children on the same journey of mutual love and respect. No matter the subject, I always come away from your videos with more respect and hope for the future, knowing that there are so many other people on a path towards something better for us all. Thank you ❤

[@saumyam8492]

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE GEM OF A VIDEO

[@durtpon5967]

Don’t have a kid, but you’re video is help to think about all relationships, thank you and people who support cared process in time

[@koda_pop7849]

I’m very mad that around the 8th “Monte-sooori~” I snort laughed. How dare you sir, I was drinking

[@gwenrees7594]

Awesome video, thank you.

[@ZovcDrafts]

I recently was having dinner with some friends, including a guy from Denmark. It was late at night so we were bouncing around between random fairly heavy and profound things. Somehow we got on the subject of 'tough love' and hitting kids as a form of discipline. I grew up in the American South and explained to the (non-Americans) what "getting a switch" meant. (To retrieve a whip-like stick from outside for your parent to beat you with.) I clarified that I only ever was spanked by my parents and that kids got paddled at my school. The Danish guy said "I can't imagine my mom hitting me..." I was like, "Oh, it was only ever my dad that spanked me." And he said that is even worse, conceptually. While I have no intentions of ever having my own children, I know for sure that I would never use violence as a form of discipline if I found myself in that role.

[@readreadwriteread9039]

As always, love that artwork and the message ❤

[@Thaelyn1312]

I really appreciate this video, often in our Leftist spaces we hardly talk about kids or still harbor negative feelings towards them. It's lovely to see how parenting in this way (or even being in community with them) can help change our apathy towards kids. If I may, & I will say I am a thin person, but from following & listening to fat activists, I don't think obesity is a thing. That's from the BMI, correct? I understand some people can be disabled by their bodies, but that's true of any other condition or accident. And even then, disability is only a "tragedy" if we don't center disabled people 🌸

[@enbyarchmage]

Ponderful's video on Gender Criticals and Autism is a perfect complement to this one. It dives REALLY deeply on how trans-exclusionary feminists tend to portray autism.

[@tuberialolicon-tanuki6533]

Very important topic, also super frustrating. I'm no parent myself but been involved in the raising of my younger brothers and sisters, I live at constant anger at the school system which uses the threat of expulsion and failing grades, and the disruption that such things bring to the dynamics of small families, to blackmail parents into using violent shortcuts to change the children's behavior, there is also the widespread fearmongering telling parents to not let kids go outside the house and, most frustrating to me and my relatives that eventually became adults too, the individualized legal, economic and cultural expectations that give parents an exclusivity status that can become anything between a nuisance and a serious source of intrafamiliar tension when there are disagreements on how children should be treated. By the way, my parents attempted to push into me the teachings of being "acomedido" and god I used to hate that concept soo much. All i saw was how such attitude serves to hide hierarchical inequalities, and it's taxing when you happen to be bad at reading the room. But the issue of course is hierarchy and not to be acomedido, sadly I overreacted to this in my youth and now I have to actively fight my reflexes and biases to be helpful [uncomfortable laugh].

[@jobobminer8843]

You mentioned that autonomous children are "Responsible to their community" instead of being manipulated by rewards and punishement. What does that responsability mean? Is it mere social pressure that keeps them in line? I actually have some thoughts on this of my own but I want to know what exactly you havd in mind for this process?

[@anonymousinfinido2540]

+1

[@Andrewism]

I'm gonna reiterate my wording because the exact wording is pretty important. When I was speaking about how "an independent child is disconnected from others and responsible only for themselves, while an autonomous child is *responsible for their actions* and decisions *in the context of a constant connection to community*," I was referring to dependability, honouring commitments, being accountable, etc. Living in a society is going to involve some measure of social pressure, yes, but the intent of good parenting I believe is to cultivate intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivation within young people to contribute. Rewards and punishments are both extrinsic motivations.

[@Duiker36]

Children don't really need to be kept in line unless you're incapable of providing a space for them to exist as themselves. Which, in complete fairness, a lot of us aren't. A lot of the problem with industrial schooling is precisely that children often can't be given that space within the limits of the school's resources, and they're packed together and marched around in a way that makes them manageable products rather than independent persons. To a significant degree, it's unfair to expect schools to do better with the teacher-student ratios they have, and similarly, it's also unfair to expect every parent to do better given the society they live in. But once that space exists, then you can manage how it interacts and overlaps with the spaces of other persons. If a child demands playtime from a friend who isn't feeling social, or a toy from another who doesn't want to share, then you've got to help them navigate and negotiate between their desires and how they respect others. Eventually, with enough guidance, they figure out how to do that on their own and become autonomous. It's not magic. It's just parenting. Teach the child by demonstration that not all interactions are transactions and that relationships come with give and take all the time. Give them tools with which they can talk with other people, express their own wants and desires, and understand others' wants and desires. They will learn.

[@mattbartlett0]

I’d love to see a part 2 where you have a kid and report back on your experience with implementing these suggestions ❤️