Anger & Enmeshment

Enmeshment is emotionally tying yourself to others. When you don't understand how you are enmeshed, you can become angry without realizing it. You can be there for others without taking on their emotions, however: The goal is differentiation. In this brief video, I introduce you to the concept.
IG: @drchristianconte
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Ho'oponopono
#MuchPeace

[@nixworld767]

This is applicable to my line of work. Flying jet airliners. We are in close quarters for hours with our co-workers (flight attendants and fellow pilots) and passengers. Given the myriad dynamics of so many people jammed into an aluminum tube, it is inevitable that flare ups happen and well, some people are just mad at the world all the time it seems. It's a real challenge to maintain differentiation when one is tired, or if one's ego is fragile. I'll remember this lesson and visualize the "glass box" of differentiation before i ever step foot onto the airplane. As always, good stuff Dr. Conte.

[@DrChristianConte]

I love it. Thank you so much for what you do. You have such a special talent to be able to fly planes. Flying is the area of biggest struggle for me (I mean, I do it all the time, but I rarely feel comfortable in the air), so I am always grateful to meet pilots who work so hard to master their craft and help get people safely from one place to the next. Please know I am most definitely sending you all of my best and tons of peace!

[@UMBUBA]

Spot on doctor!!! That’s the problem I have with my wife. I’m in school right now and I often get frustrated and stressed due to all the material I have to study. So I tend to be in a bad mood because of it but she gets mad at me and takes it personally , and calls me a toxic person. I struggle from ADHD as well and it’s hard for me to study. Thank you Dr. Conte for breaking down this concept.

[@ja4120]

Man, I love your parables. Great stuff as always!

[@DrChristianConte]

Thank you brother! I definitely put my heart and soul into bringing parables that resonate with people, so you commenting on that means a lot to me. It's people like you and comments like that that keep me posting. Thanks brother. Sending you much peace!

[@JesusChavez-zm4lk]

@@DrChristianConte O yeah !! well not onley do your parables sound good you have changed my life and i thank god for your beutiful ❤ . theres alot of broken people in jail that need help and your words )) because they can change people and i am one of them. I have no one because time and drugs pulled me away from family i grew up with every one has a life and a family to worry about an have forgoten me im still struggling with my adiction and the consecuenses it has left me with but your knoledge is a light to those who are alone and are tryng to find a way out God bless you for your passion to help people you have done more than what you realise keep posting videos because i love wachting you and i love the way you think. And you have a pretty personality that help you teach ❤ ❤

[@griotolu7040]

They need to show your videos across schools and universities!

[@DrChristianConte]

Thank you! I'm hopeful the videos I have are helpful for people, and I'm grateful to know that people all over the world can access them (especially because I believe there just aren't enough resources out there for people). Thank you again for your kind words. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!

[@PraveenSrJ01]

I wish I learned this 26 years ago when I was in high school 🏫 ❤

[@bruh-ch3hb]

Thank you 🙏 this is really helpful and empowering

[@cloudfloating4706]

Tremendously helpful! Liked the part about maintaining my own energy.

[@DrChristianConte]

Cloud Floating Thank you! 🙏🏼

[@leslieryalls566]

Wish I'd realized this a looooong time ago. Good stuff, thanks!

[@DrChristianConte]

Leslie Ryalls man, you and I both! I wish I knew this growing up! Definitely sending you much peace!

[@eac.6808]

Wow... great explanation. :)

[@heroonan3779]

Hi, your advices hit me straight to the core of my emotions. Anger management has always been my problem and your videos make me understand my emotions and my reactions more. Thank you! I'm looking forward for more videos like these.

[@DrChristianConte]

Appreciate you Ian! Listen, anger is not easy to deal with, and it's certainly natural to experience, so the goal is really just to learn how to react or channel it effectively when you experience it. Definitely sending you all my best my man, and tons of peace!

[@Fahim_Lalani]

This is the best video on KZbin thx 🙏

[@paperjawa]

This was a good explanation because it was easy to follow and understand. Thanks you. p.s. Good editing :P

[@wkdravenna]

Good thought. I hope you have a great day!

[@DrChristianConte]

wkdravenna 🙏🏼

[@lauralee2830]

I have only been watching your videos for about 3 weeks now. Dr Conte you have a great voice to listen to and everything you say makes so much sense. I really don’t know how I found you on KZbin but I am so glad I did. Thank you, you have really helped me, I have going through a tough time over the last 2 years but now I really do believe in what you teach as it’s working . Thank you again and much peace

[@DrChristianConte]

Laura thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through such a tough time, but I do know that you can and will get through it and learn from it, and my hope for you is that whatever comes out of this tough time eventually leads to you experiencing peace. Sending you all my best and tons of peace!

[@badbro2820]

Dr. C., this is the absolute BEST explanation of enmeshment i have ever heard. I can’t thank you enough for your work! May God rain all the blessings of heaven down on to you and yours my brother.🙏🏽👍😃

[@mailman5865]

Studying this in my college marriage and family therapy class

[@brandonverberg799]

I have started watching your videos and they have been helping me out a lot. And it is helping me with my marriage and I'm progressing forward thank you so much and i look forward to seeing more video's

[@Chriscam2you]

mmmm, the 'glass box' concept is very interesting. Could cool off and prevent 'pack mentality' situations. I suppose I could use one of those glass boxes around myself, as much for the benefit of others as for me. Might have to be bulletproof like the 'popemobile' though.

[@DrChristianConte]

Chris! My man, yes, I like the idea of "bulletproof" glass - such a powerful way to view it, but I'm hopeful this whole concept helps. I really believe we can be more effective for others when we don't "take on" their energy, and instead, maintain complete control of our own energy. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace, brother.

[@Chriscam2you]

Dr. Christian Conte Yes, the concept is very helpful. I just can’t resist poking a little fun at my rocket propelled self.

[@stevetoma3376]

@Dr. Christian Conte - Just watched this video to begin my weekend and now it's off to a very good start! Thank you for all your wisdom brother! Have a good weekend!

[@DrChristianConte]

My man Steve! Thank you brother! I hope you had a great weekend, and may you have great days every day! Sending you all my best brother! Much peace!

[@TNGURL08]

I need to be mindful of this. I'm guilty doing both.

[@shellimitchell4861]

Being centered is really hard work for me...especially when a loved one really effects me...I wish I could be more centered...how to I practice being centered?

[@leannecollins2644]

Thank you

[@poopyodb]

thankyou this really does help

[@jackase507]

Wow! Man, you have no idea how powerful and helpful this is to me right now in my life. Thank you!

[@DrChristianConte]

Man I'm so grateful to hear that Carlos! Definitely sending you all my best brother. And tons of peace!

[@OasemMesao]

Very informative and enlightening. Thanks Dr Conte!

[@DrChristianConte]

Mesao 🙏🏼

[@doonis1384]

Sounds similar to the path from dependence to independence

[@DrChristianConte]

doonis1384 Yes 100%, that’s it, just a different way to say it. Thanks for watching. Definitely sending you much peace!

[@asherdixon8749]

As always: “I wish you much peace” lol

[@kyleaudette3776]

I find myself being disengaged with people without wanting opposite outcomes. Is this still an unhealthy practice? There are those who are up and down the ladder so much my neck hurts so I stop looking. I am very guilty of disengaging... permanently.

[@DrChristianConte]

What's up Kyle! My man! Look, when it comes to disengagement, here's the deal: We convince ourselves that by disengaging, we are not involved. But the reality is that we are inherently involved, so in that sense, disengaging only fools ourselves. I think the way I would phrase it is like this: Engage, but don't be attached. In other words, Lao Tzu asks, "Can you love the people and lead them, without imposing your will?" This is an important line (in my estimation, at least), because it (and the subsequent chapter around it) teaches us that we can definitely engage, confront, and interact with others, but do so in a way that is not attached to the outcome. I hope this helps! Sending you all my best always, my brother. Much peace!

[@rudy1380]

Awesome. Needed that.

[@leovolont]

Hi Doc, Well, yeah, not being enmeshed and not taking on off-putting emotions when in a loose Social Group is definitely the thing to do. However, a lot of people have Anger Management problems when in the Workplace, and they aren't the Boss. There, the best survival value may be to discern the direction of Office Politics and go with the flow. Whether the Boss comes in swooning or cussing over something, or one of his or her little favorites, it would be good to see which direction all of the Expert Kiss-butts go, and go the same way, right? Remember, Doc, Humans are Social Animals. Even Alphas aren't safe going it alone (hello, Julius Caesar). From the Anger Management perspective, what is most to be avoided is trying to impose your own emotions on the Social Group, especially if you are not that high up in the Food Chain (the social ladder). The Social Group would resent the pawn trying to 'rock the boat'. Heck, I've seen people get in trouble for being elated... "What are you so happy about? You think making our Deadline's fun?". Oh, and, Doc, your distinction between Differentiation and Disengagement, well, does it really exist in nature. Does anybody REALLY just go all contrary, or is it just solid Differentiation? Yeah, maybe adolescents, who don't know much of anything, may venture out on 'opposites' in order to break free of Family Influence, but their real intent is Differentiation, right? Especially with adults, who just want their own space. That brings us to Relationships and Close Knit Social Groups -- Friends. You probably know better than I do, but where do Anger Management issues arise most? Work, Relationships, or with Friends? Again, the Social Imperative is to adopt the Emotion of the Group, but to not burden the Group with one's own emotions. Yes, once in a while, if one simply can't contain something, but, we all know what the 'talk' is about chronically emotional people, that they should not be 'enabled'. They are 'clingy' and 'co-dependent'. You know, sometimes we are all just supposed to be "the 4th in the Bridge Game". In our Social Groups, most of us are just Place Holders. So, how do you see it that you are not getting everybody but the Boss and the Group Alpha into trouble by advising Differentiation. To the people involved, Differentiation cannot be differentiated from Disengagement, right? It looks like you just wish you weren't there. This is an Enemy Making Strategy, and that is just the kind of thing Anger Management People should be avoiding, isn't it.

[@DrChristianConte]

I love this comment!!!! You rock! And I love your reference to Caesar so close to the Ides of March. You know, I'd love for you to call my radio show on a Monday night and talk about this stuff in depth. If you're willing, please look into calling in. I love your thoughts and think we could have a great dialogue around this. Definitely sending you gratitude and tons of peace!

[@leovolont]

@@DrChristianConte Hi Doc, Well, thanks. I'm all the way across the other side of the World, but I can see what time that is for me. Oh, I have been working with Anger Management. There is a set of Psychological Forums, "Uncommon Knowledge" and I have been posting to help Angry People on their Anger Management Forum for years. My Greatest Hit Idea is that a Cortisol Rush can be TURNED OFF if one recognizes the first Physiological Sign and just RELAXES, and that is to Un-Clench the Jaw Muscles -- before a Blow Up, people will clench their teeth. Un clench the teeth and there is No Blow Up. Anyway, pull up that Forum and read a few of my essays, and check out my idea in full. Maybe you can test out the idea and present it to a larger Public.

[@leovolont]

@@tommychaloner7444 Hi Tommy, Oh! (oh 'expletive') I never thought of that? TMJ Disorder is that Pain in the Jaw Thing. Yeah, maybe there is a connection to people who are chronically Angry.... or I should say 'chronically under stress'. The way it feels to me, that is, a Cortisol Rush driven Blow Up, is that it takes up the entire day it happens (the head swims with 'I should have Said and Done This and That' kind of thoughts), and sleep is interrupted. The 2nd day is better than the first, but the nerves are still on edge. SO I infer that it takes more than a day for that Cortisol to clear out. But what about people who keep getting Triggered, with More Cortisol before the Old Cortisol metabolizes off. the Stress never goes away. And if their Jaws are locked the whole time. Heck, the pain could be coming from just plain old muscle fatigue, like if you tried to hold a iron frying pan over you head all day long... you're arm would be killing you. Yeah, the Rushes have to stop. The Cognitive Behavioral Therapists have had a hard time with Cortisol Rushes because they are stuck on Cognitive Cues, and unfortunately, the Cortisol is being released by the Primitive Brain Stem part of the Brain, a clear 2 seconds before the Cognitive Part of the Brain even knows its just been Triggered ("Did he say what I think I heard him say?") But our Solid Clue is the Teeth Clenching, but that is a Physiological Clue, and nowadays Psychologists are so Over Specialized that I think that THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED to notice. But thank God that Angry People aren't specialized. Who cares whether it is the MIND telling us that we are Triggered, or our JAWS, as long as it give us Control over the Rush. Oh, yeah, and you don't have time to THINK. If you feel the teeth Clench, well, THAT MOMENT, open wide and breath through the mouth, and say "whoo, that was close".

[@PushPastParalysis]

I struggle with this an empath.

[@muma6559]

"don't be swayed by others"

[@PraveenSrJ01]

I need to disengage when I feel ignored by others and not react in anger by lashing out at them. Not worth getting into trouble 👿 over.

[@samuelduguay-ricard1075]

Good stuff like always. Hey Dr. Conte what happened with the intro music you used to add to the videos ? It really added a plus to the ''experience'' of watching and listening to your materials.

[@samuelduguay-ricard1075]

Always - Stephen Keech

[@DrChristianConte]

Thank you Samuel! I've been incredibly busy going 7 days a week, and I've been trying to get back into posting on KZbin, and I forgot about that. I will start doing that again. Thank you SO much for watching my videos and for the awesome feedback. It means a lot to me that you would watch my videos that closely, and then take the time to tell me. I'm honestly honored that you would take that kind of time on something I created. Please know that I'm definitely sending you tons of peace and gratitude! Thank you!

[@elicore.biz81]

What about a father who is 53years of age, with 5 adult children and displays enmeshment with them? So much to the point where he allows this enmeshment to ruin a relationship with his fiance. Why would he do this?

[@jackiep5009]

It took both of them. Yes they chose the family over you. Boy does it hurt but it does happen

[@HisaLight2mypath]

Brilliant video but how can I be in a relationship with a man and not get emotionally involved it's very difficult if you like the person a lot or love them.

[@DrChristianConte]

tellingitlikeitis Thank you! And great question! Being enmeshed to some degree is normal and okay; it’s just when you start to be impacted by others’ emotions in a negative way that you want to really be mindful of this. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!

[@brandonkain9231]

What about if your empathic as a person??

[@DrChristianConte]

100% if you're an empathetic person, understanding this concept is most vital. The reality is that I am deeply empathetic toward others, but I am very conscious about maintaining my own energy, so that I can bring others my absolute best. I plan to make a follow-up video about empathic distress (formerly known as compassion fatigue). Thank you for watching. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!

[@brandonkain9231]

@@DrChristianConte wow...im drowning in compassion fatigue...exhausted from always taking on the energy from everyone around me...looking forward to the next video...god speed✌

[@emsea7279]

So happy there is humans like you. Bless you bro. @minus678c insta

[@DrChristianConte]

Sending gratitude and blessings right back at you! And tons of peace!

[@donnamason8643]

I need agermanagement. Thanks for sharing

[@ja4120]

Check out his other videos if you haven't yet. Dr. Conte is the man! His videos have helped me a ton.

[@DrChristianConte]

Thank you Donna! I appreciate you taking time to comment. Sending you much peace!

[@DrChristianConte]

@@ja4120 Thank you brother. Appreciate you!