Are Your Expectations Ruining Your Relationships?

[@Piecesoftheshadow]

In terms of a relationship, as someone with OCD this is even harder because the moment the expectations are not fulfilled you immediately go into a fear loop and obsessions grow wildly. But also, it becomes hard to know when your expectations are normal and healthy in a relationship and your partner not fulfilling them vs if you’re being unrealistic. It’s so complicated… and the ocd just makes me question everything all the time. But I feel my intuition tells me that expecting and needing your partner to be more intimate, spend quality time with you and be emotionally open are pretty normal and healthy expectations and wants for most people. But then I second guess and think maybe they’re not and I have no right to ask for them or reach for them… idk

[@CalebForslund]

OCD, Asperger’s, Scrupulousity… Yeah, I can relate.

[@Liurika]

My mind works like yours, do I have OCD too or what? It's exhausting

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

This is something I struggle with but it feels especially hard to shift because I'm Autistic and have cPTSD from childhood trauma. I'm very much in a place where I would just prefer to be alone and not socialise with people because that is the only peace.

[@AimeeSC561]

I feel you!!

[@dixiebisquits]

@Miss_Lexisaurus How do you feel about being around animals (such as dogs, horses etc.)? Canine-assisted therapy and equine therapy are serious and viable options for situations where healing requires social contact but dealing with humans is too overwhelming. If that sounds too Disney for you, I totally get it. Just thought to mention it because past me can really relate to your last sentence. I hope you find the methods that serve you best in your healing journey ❤

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

@@dixiebisquits thank you. I do have 2 rescue dogs who I love and we go hiking and stuff together, they are much easier than humans.

[@NevG27]

"when the words should and supposed to come up..." Holy crap, what you said there just flipped a switch for me. Especially coming from a family where there were (is) expectations that I _should_ get married and start a family. I have been stubbornly digging my heels in, and confused about it for a decade now, because i kept telling myself "I should be in a relationship" and kept beating myself up for not being in one. Even though opportunity after opportunity came my way, I've always subconsciously screwed it up. And now i realize it's because I've never said it like "I _want_ to be in a relationship."

[@noreng4933]

I feel like you covered the topic of self-expectations well, but I am struggeling more with expectations of others. Like, I'll expect my bf to gift me a brilliant gift for my birthday, or to have everything in order at home, or to behave in a specific kind of way. And when he doesn't, I'm disappointed, even though he might have a legitimate reason. And when he does, I am kind of disappointed too, because it was just what I had imagined, no surprise. I am aware that it's deeply unfair. I am reminding myself often that he does not have to behave to please me all the time, to give him grace and focus more on my own part in our relationship. And we do have a great relationship, it's not like he is slacking or unattentive or anything. He's amazing. But I can not stop myself from imagining all these scenarios and how they should play out. How do I stop? It's not serving me, it's setting me up for disappointment in a great relationship.

[@mschrisfrank2420]

For me, I had to choose to only focus on what I can control. I only have expectations for myself. My boundaries are what I demand for how I’m treated, but I don’t expect anyone to meet them-rather I have decided that I won’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet them. I can be disappointed if someone doesn’t, but I don’t expect them to. This attitude wasn’t something I could adopt overnight, I had to become aware of my thoughts and intentionally redirect them until they began to automatically move that way. It required time, intention, and letting go of outcomes and focusing on value based actions instead.

[@kesshami]

What about when you have expectations that everything is going to fall apart because of trauma that happened to you and people you knew and that is negatively affecting your relationship even when you are actibely trying to keep it from doing so?

[@el1te4U]

Not me doing this…. Thx for making this video it’s going to help me so much

[@Angels_Ashes]

This video was so eye opening!!! It makes so much sense now. You're totally right. Thank you for helping me grow as a person and a partner.

[@tfkrockhard]

What should be expected in each stage of a relationship? From talking stage to engagement

[@glaciergirlv2265]

For me "need to" is a good replacement for "should" because it expresses a need while having a little wiggle room and grace for "however". Example: I need to take a shower, but I am really tired and don't have the energy for it. Instead I will rest and shower later when I have the energy."

[@mschrisfrank2420]

I like “it would be good if I could” instead of “should” or even “need to” because those both trigger shame and overwhelm for me.

[@glaciergirlv2265]

@mschrisfrank2420 that's a good one too!

[@Ashguy733]

I will definitely try the replace should with could idea in my day to day. The problem is I function very heavily on routine and have very black and white thinking and I see things in an idealistic way.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

INFJ?

[@christmas201121]

Wow great video! What was the book again?

[@doro5751]

The technology of intention by Kim Stanwood

[@GreyWolfASMR]

I don't always have good Internet. Is there any way I can buy your courses to study offline?

[@ellisburton8733]

Nope what ruined my relationship was a 55yr old husband, of 7 years, who scored high in covert Narcissistic tendencies,ADHD and serious impulse control issues and whose andro-pause meant they gave him testosterone (and as he went from the levels of a 90yr old to a 57yr old) at which point he started chasing 25yr olds. Dont think that factors in anyone's 'expectations' -till the only intention I wanted was to be a womam who never saw his face again, and since Dec 2021, I haven't....-yeah result!

[@AimeeSC561]

I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. I'm glad you are in a better place now ❤

[@hope4392]

Who to heal from past trauma that caused by family violence either by words or viscaelly. That caused trust issues and effecting relationships either with friends and became a person who is any able to love or trust i keeps loosing friends now i am single plus lonely girl i need help please

[@mschrisfrank2420]

Sorry if this suggestion is obvious, but you have you been to therapy (or, if therapy isn’t an option, done work on your own) for healing trauma? In my experience, it also helps to take it in small steps and be honest about your struggles with one person, rather than trying to just ignore your trauma and have “normal” friendships. Not everyone is worthy of knowing your story, but it is important to share it with someone.

[@hope4392]

@ I went to therapy before didn’t end well and every time i try to tell a friend either they laugh or say something like it will get better

[@TheRindy84]

Those sound exactly the same even though you say they're not. Like I have a need to have more support within the home. He works from home and I homeschool a very unmotivated kid who hates school on general principle almost. I have communicated that I have a big problem being able to be fully present for the school day because I am constantly distracted by being in a dirty messy cluttered living space. I'm not looking for a "model home" state but he acts like that's what I'm going for and has come back at me like I want the home to "look like nobody lives there" as if people living in a space equates to being dirty and cluttered and my expectations for anything else are unreasonable like I want to live in a "clean room" instead of just a cleaned or tidied room. He once made a comment while I was sweeping that I was "just pushing dirt around". He basically invaldiates and dismisses everything I do as a sahm as useless and futile but is also miffed because I haven't given him the big family he supposedly wants. It's like well tough shit dude apparently the expectation of a clean orderly home and lots of children is mutually exclusive so I pick being at peace (in as much as is possible) and being able to barely function in misery to this level and I'm not willing to increase that. Sorry not sorry. You can enjoy the sexless farce of a marriage. Lets just say the four horse men rode in a loooong time ago (they came to visit in the hospital after kiddo was born actually) we had dinner and chatted. They stay in the guest room with me. LoL

[@Aashbard01]

11:32 I think perfection or a perfect version of yourself is the version of yourself or the standard that you reach where you are proud of what you have done or the person you have become. Perfection in the sense of 100% or the end of a journey does not exist, but the “perfection” that I believe in is the perfection that comes from your satisfaction or pride with the work that you have done to be who you are or succeed in your goals. I want you guys to always remember that the cracks in your personality, your weaknesses and flaws are a part of you and the make you no less beautiful than you are when you are at your best so take pride in your work and who you are and don’t try to live up to the standards that people set for you because you are beautiful just as you are!💕💕🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹