Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Autism and ADHD - Have You Experienced It?

[@ViVi1159-d1]

RSD in autism feels like a double bind. We get told that we’re not “reading the room”, we internalize the notion that people don’t reject each other directly because it’s rude, and then when we do try to pick up on hints and patterns, you can’t tell which ones are real.

[@saffsholistichealth]

Yes it is not that we are reading the room wrong as we don't always read the room wrong at all

[@hannah-lk3oc]

This sums it up very well. I’m not allowed to ask “did I do something to upset you” because that’s too blunt. If I don’t ask, I’m “oblivious”. If I keep putting myself out there, I’m obnoxious. If I retreat the way I want to, I’m rude or sulking or whatever. They don’t seem to see the reality that they don’t like you because of a set of subtle yet perceivable differences and it’s nobody’s fault. It would be nice if they could get past the ableism but no one should be forced to spend time with someone they don’t like. You can’t even intervene in these situations because no one says anything outright so all you’d be saying is “nobody includes me and you need to change that”. It feels like any direction you go, you’re still the problem and you’ll always be in the wrong because you’re the one they can’t understand

[@mariagusman6949]

@@hannah-lk3ocI really think Autists, AdHD’ers and ADHD’ers need to live in our own section of the world. I truly feel our societies would be kinder, healthier, more honest, fair and accepting than our present NT space. You worded your comment perfectly.

[@dubaiedge]

​@@mariagusman6949for sure.

[@deborahwunderman8567]

Because you are doing what you are doing by making these videos, I am realizing after watching one of your videos just a week ago that I have probably been living with autism and masking it for almost 60 years... and dealing with Rejection has been a huge issue for me my entire life.

[@GinaJones-we4eq]

I am in exactly the same situation and have consequently suffered depression as well…

[@tuijaee849]

I'm 60, and with the same thoughts. And with recurrent depression

[@rebeccachapman1231]

Same, but if anyone asked me about rejection sensitivity, etc., I've been programmed to deny it. We are supposed to welcome rejection as "constructive criticism" or a life learning experience that is ultimately good and makes us stronger. And while there is some truth there, my false positivity, fake it til you make it, over the course of many decades has also been unhelpful and sometimes outright destructive.

[@polyglotte]

We should start a group for 60+ women who are realizing they're autistic.

[@MirandolinaAmaldin]

I hope you all find the support to deal better with your newly discovered divergence from what's expected. 😊

[@sole-g4z]

Almost constantly... Apparently Audhd. Greetings from Uruguay, your work means a lot

[@wguadap2]

The same here. Audhd too! Greetings from Argentina. I agree too, his works means a lot.

[@daathdorothiel]

Greetings from Hungary, same here. AUDHD & PTSD. Another thankful subscriber… In my country we are really deeply traumatized and abandoned.

[@MirandolinaAmaldin]

​@@daathdorothiel me too. AuDHD and PTSD - it's hard to figure out where one starts or the other ends. Still trying to work through all the new information

[@cherylyoke4872]

I was rejected a lot as a child so I studied psychology a lot so I could figure out why people behave the way they do. I found that study so fascinating that it became an extreme focus in my life. Eventually i became a licensed professional counselor. I came to realise i am ok as a person and if others reject me thats their problem not mine. Still I had problems with supervisors, depression ,anxiety, and relationships. After my autism diagnosis life began to make sense though. Thank you for all your videos, Paul.

[@Kaejune75]

I completely relate. I spent so much time at the library, especially during my high school years, researching human behavior and trying to understand how people thought. I also read a lot of the DSM unconsciously trying to self diagnose why I couldn't seem to fit in. I would relate to autism but quickly dismiss it because I couldn't accept that as the answer. After all, I wasn't a math genius, right? It wasn't until I was in my late 40s that I was actually diagnosed, and then things started to make sense. I'm still fascinated by psychology, sociology, and philosophy. Basically, anything about how the human mind works. Both the neurotypical and the neurodivergent minds. Do you believe your experience as an autistic is a benefit in how you work with your clients?

[@user-zr6pl6nb6z]

I'm a man in my 50s now and I don't care what people think of me anymore. I know it sounds harsh, but I actually despise most people now.

[@dunkawunka2278]

"licensed professional counselor" then ".....that's their problem not mine." So not only do you have multiple mental struggles, you still have the capacity to deny people's feelings even if you're negative. Yeah sounds like you know psychology alright 😂

[@selenew1242]

True rejection feels like a knife to my chest. I have done everything I can to avoid it. I didn't realize until recently all my people pleasing wasn't to be friendly but rather to avoid social negativity or social situations entirely. If I am cleaning the kitchen at Grandma's house I don't have to talk with people in the living room and the cleaning gets me a complement instead of being chided.

[@Halzel]

This.

[@dorfone]

You just explained me to myself. I'm a people pleaser and never considered why until now. But now I know.

[@Jasmine-b9u4z]

Thanks to my easygoing Grandma I don't worry about rejection, the crowd's expectation of me, doing the things others just talk about in a bossy way or, perfection. She shared enough of her Social Worker experiences to help me get a good vision of personal responsibility. Follow Your Hearts so you can live the happiest life possible but keep your self-confidence at a good balanced level too. Self-acceptance is a big part of being kind to yourself about your core values

[@selenew1242]

@@Jasmine-b9u4z This is how I was with my kids on the spectrum. My grandmother yelled at me to sit still and be seen not heard. Different times.

[@Jasmine-b9u4z]

@@selenew1242I'm sure that was quite hard and often hurt. I was lucky to find a few friendly teens who accepted and understood when I needed help in public. I just don't function high enough to go to college.

[@drlisasosin]

Paul, I am so glad you pushed through the rejection sensitivity early on and started posting publicly about your experience. Look where you are now and how many people you are helping!

[@jessewood3196]

Very well said. 🙂 Paul's videos have been my 'North Star' in the journey of: realizing you are autistic and have actually been autistic for your entire life but you didn't know it until now.

[@not.bjcary]

Definitely feel like rejection and ostracizing are big themes of my youth and young adulthood. To the point where I would ghost people, or groups of people, who I was friends with for a while because it was just easier for me to leave them and tell myself "it's time to move on" whether they had done anything to me or not. If I felt like they were pulling away, my first reaction wasn't "I should check in to see if they're ok" it was "they obviously don't want me around anymore so I'm just going to leave."

[@shaft3r1]

Actually it was true, they didn’t want you around anymore.

[@not.bjcary]

@ I knew it! Now I have closure 😜😂

[@questioneverything1776]

@@shaft3r1what a troll thing to say to trigger someone. Get a life!

[@timverrecchia1654]

No like he said overaction to perceived rejection leads to disconnection which leads to actual rejection

[@WadeHanna-x2n]

Thank you so much for this insightful analysis of the RSD feelings I’ve experienced all my life. RSD is incredibly destructive and further increases social isolation and destroys self confidence. It is easily one of the worst aspects of Autism and ADHD.

[@57auxmoines]

Thank you. Have suffered greatly with all the standard “you’re too sensitive or emotional “ and the chronic pain to “be” normal. Truly appreciate the video

[@travellingmusician2380]

I’m glad you put in the final section because rejection has been a constant theme throughout my life with 50 years of undiagnosed autism. Experiencing this level of rejection and still surviving / functioning is a major achievement and shouldn’t be medicalised away as another disorder.

[@nannywhumpers5702]

I just cry. Shut down and cry. I'm so glad to know I am not the only one. I had to come back to this video due to a situation at work this morning. Thanks for sharing this information, it helps so much.

[@hannah-lk3oc]

I know I commented already but to add again: I really appreciate hearing someone talk about being autistic and reading into subtle social nuances. Often the stereotype is that we can’t do that and so when I get fixated on these things, I feel like I’m not really autistic and my diagnosis is a lie and I’m a big faker. Hearing you say that this is not only normal but common enough to create an in depth video on really makes me feel better

[@peterdalton200]

Paul, I did not have a good experience at school. I was constantly bullied for 13 years (1972 - 1984). I was physically bullied and was put down socioeconomically. I found university a daunting experience. I only mattered if I made the honours stream. I have been rejected many times because of my brutal honesty. People simply do not want to hear the truth. I am expected to adhere to certain social norms. Often, I am made a scapegoat by the church, and by institutions for speaking the truth. In my line of work, I develop a thick skin. Thanks, Paul, for being one of the true people I can relate to. I manage the constant rejection I receive through emotional intelligence, and by prescribed medication.

[@CtDDtC1919]

I have lived a similar life. I remember thinking that finding a friend who was not afraid to speak with unmitigated honesty would have been a HUGE blessing. I had friends, but I had to constantly monitor my words and play the social games. It was tiresome and felt disingenuous. I suspect you and I would have got along quite well!

[@Runpulator]

Hi, could you please give a couple of examples of situations like that?

[@LaSpastica90]

Wow. I knew I was sensitive to rejection. But the rejection dysphoria examples you gave really hit hard. I could easily misinterpret every one of those. I’ve gotten really angry at people over such little comments that I misinterpreted, and they end up thinking I’m nuts. I now try to hide my anger until I know for sure what they meant.

[@ImnoEgg-yh6vh]

I did not know this was a thing, but I have struggled with this so hard all my life. I see rejection in everything. Tone, words, my brain twists non rejection into blatant rejection all the time. Then I will completely remove myself from that person's life and never ask anything ever again unless practically forced to communicate again, but then I will keep my distance and keep my responses short and factual. It's like a chest pain. I pretend I don't care and I will berate myself in my head asking why I care, why does it matter. It doesnt matter I'm being stupid. But I will go behind my own back and ruminate about it until I catch myself doing it lol it's just a nonstop vicious cycle, so thank you for putting this up I feel a little less... Odd now. Ty 💜

[@BrianSmith-lo3mj]

Thank you for making this video Paul. I am basically on long term disability because I was rejected by employers from the age of 18-23. I could get really crappy labor intensive undesirable jobs from temp agencies, but when it came to getting a direct hire job with a "good company" I was rejected like a hot rock because I was "too quiet" or "too nervous" during the interview.

[@catherinecummins2847]

That was the BEST explanation of the hardest aspect of relationships for me. Thank you!❤

[@barbarawalker7122]

Thank you! Thanks for pulling the pieces apart to explain more deeply. Sadly, rejection dysphoria is the lens through which I generally things. It's a tough mindset to break. This helps with some perspective!

[@ianmccormick2670]

Absolutely spot on. Thanks for your video highlighting the issue. I'm not Autistic diagnosed, but the more I watch your videos, the more I think that at the age of 55, I've gone through my life not understanding what it was that made me feel like I do.

[@kensears5099]

This is extremely...EXTREMELY revealing. I mean, on epiphany level. For me this has meant a sudden descent into into a death-like disembodiment. And the rejection doesn't even need to be real, it can actually be all in my head, as I find out later. But it's an utter drop-down-dead-right-now shutdown. I've never connected these dots before. It makes so much sense. Thankfully these instances in my life have not been frequent (largely because I have not as a rule identified myself too intensely with circles of friends who could reject me), but the handful of instances are still, even now, even when they proved false, even when a friend I feared might reject me is to this day intensely close and precious, the mere recollection of those moments is just viscerally scouring. Just because of this video I already feel equipped to handle potential recurrences so much better now.

[@oliviaarose1234]

Extremely relatable and you broke it down very well. I love this framework, thank you for sharing.

[@daathdorothiel]

Thank you for doing your great work, sharing your content and also for your friends and support system! I’m 46, self diagnosed with Aspergers at 42 (proper medical protocols were used and several of my MD-s approved). Officially diagnosed with ADHD at 44 and with PTSD around 40 (they used older diagnostic manuals here back then). I’m very impressed by your channel especially because mostly female autism coaches and advocates resonated with me so far. Now I am exploring the male autistic expert who’s creating the most wholesome and pleasantly bingeable inspirational and educational content I have ever found. I will check in for coaching next year, also because my thesis in the medical sciences will be written of burnout - and I cant’t resist breaking down autistic burnout in it, while basically the nt burnout among medical workers will be the main theme.

[@annachaika6616]

Information in this video is so well structured. It’s like already digested, just put it directly into your brain and use it 😮

[@somewhere327]

Finally! I was a ghost for a year now not being able to do anything I usually enjoyed. Now I get it whats wrong at what the catalyst was a year ago. Thanks for opening my mind and helping me see

[@memejeff]

This video came at a great time for me. Two days ago I realized a lot. I experienced a lot of rejection from some people at a young age. I then became very lonely and felt abandoned. I started trying to make friends years later, only to feel rejected even though I had so many close friends. I went into people pleasing mode but I was so unaware of others wishes and even lost touch with my own reality that I just ended up hurting everyone around me and myself. I abandoned my friends years ago and thought I espcaped rejection, only to realize that I had made the prophecy come true. I was the one I had been trying to escape all along.

[@MostlyLoveOfMusic]

I get affected by social and romantic rejection for months and years after any one bad experience I think about people who have rejected me on a daily basis....

[@jay6562]

Paul, thank you for publishing these videos. As a "normal" person who would not be diagnosed because I can live a relatively normal and even exceptionally successful life. I have received validation and understanding from you that I can't get anywhere else! I think I'm your twin. I'm a real estate multi-millionaire and software engineer and married with a large family. I'm in my mid 50's and I'm beyond thinking that a diagnosis would help me. Your validation is all I needed!

[@jomamacallinyou]

Rejection sensibility is the story of my life. A specific diagnosis like autism or addiction has always been elusive. My psychologist just stayed with depression, it was the most obvious and pressing issue.

[@rashaking3144]

I just want to say a heartfelt thank you for all you do, Paul - by supporting and advocating for ourcommunity. Your videos are amazing and you've helped me get through so many difficult times over the years. I think the content of this video truly sums up one of the biggest struggles of our lives that we deal with on a daily basis. You've given us a community that makes us feel accepted and understood, in a world that so often rejects us. We are an amazing, resilient and kind community of people who have the power to make the world a better place when we have people like you leading the way.

[@honkosaurusrex6552]

I had no idea this was even a thing until I watched this video, but it perfectly describes what I experience. The example of "Thanks for being on time today" really described how my brain works. If someone said that to me, I'd instantly be like (in my head) 'what do you mean "today" - are you implying I'm not usually? How dare you!'. I'd feel wounded by such a statement, when in reality it's probably completely innocent and not a criticism or sign of rejection in the slightest. Yet my brain seems to think it is and I can't help feeling hurt by it. It's all a result of being autistic (and probably ADHD) and experiencing so much actual rejection and ostracization that's made me this way. I remember so many hurtful things from 20+ years ago at school that still affect me. It's exhausting being like this and this sensitivity/rejection dysphoria has only gotten worse as I've got older. The years of mental and emotional pain just keeps stacking up and has made me even more sensitive.

[@janica.4688]

This is sooo real! I didn't even that if was linked to Autism. But considering all the negative experiences of rejection it makes totally sense. Thank you

[@57auxmoines]

Thank you. Have suffered greatly with all the standard “you’re too sensitive or emotional “ and the chronic pain to “be” normal. Truly appreciate bringing this out to see its not just me and a few others. Also helpful to understand it in others who go into anger response.

[@maggiemanzke7926]

Thank you for this video. At 67 years old, it's rather too late for me, but it's good to see this information, and know I wasn't alone. As you explain those three pillars, I found myself thinking it would be nearly impossible for me to identify which pillar the experience was under, on my own.

[@cristineroberge5546]

yep, i was diagnosed yesterday - Audhd and RSD is very familiar to me as shame and guilt and low self esteem . A dark rainbow

[@user-hf6kf7ur9h]

I relate to everything in this video. I was bullied growing up, got rejected by so called friends. I currently have no friends even though I work with alot of people.

[@karrenrex]

You: "Rejection is the story of my life." Them: "Nah, that's extreme, it cannot be." Damn. Like, instantly proving your point. Seriously though, thank you for providing the terminology and breakdown of this. Terms matter, having a word for it and definition, really matters. You probably sent me months or years ahead on my own journey of my own understanding of this experience. This is priceless, I have no other words.

[@joaopedropereirarequejo2030]

As a late diagnosed person, I have a feeling that trying to explain all these things to neurotypicals my age wil most likely be in vain. They tend to have zero patience for particular aspects, let alone the specrum itself. Still, thank you so much for your contribution.

[@angiec2162]

Thanks for describing these 3 differences. I have been struggling with this very problem. I am very late diagnosis and find your channel very helpful.

[@penteleiteli]

This was actually pretty good, parsing those three things separate is a good point. (I definitely have RSD, so I can relate to that. For me, it's a deep, almost physical depressive feeling that comes out of nowhere and is kind of unavoidable by any cognitve tricks, in specific situations that are objectively just everyday life but leave me "alone" in some specific sense.)

[@joycecz]

Thanks, Paul! And yes, I resonate with this video. I also have learned to wait and not respond immediately if it is in post or email. In person however, of course is more difficult. I've walked away, even just a few feet to gain my own perspective back, before saying anything back to the human who rejected me. But this hasn't always been the case. I'm almost 72 years old, so maybe I've finally got this one! Yet, at the microsecond that it happens, I still cry. Not always, but if from my daughter, the pain is felt much more.

[@rachelmolina3995]

Love your videos. I'm not autistic, but know people who are. This gives me a window into their minds. Thank you for all your help.

[@carriem7790]

Thank you so much for all your videos, but this one especially resonated with me. I am Audhd and struggle constantly with RSD. I didn't realize it until I was diagnosed with Autism a few years ago and this label RSD was included in the diagnostic information. In terms of what I do to approach things in a more logical and less reactive way- I ask myself, "What does the evidence show me? What is the most logical explanation for what is happening here?" It works except in 75% of cases where I don't realize I'm spiraling and seeing things through my expectations of constant rejection. But sometimes it's helpful and I can reason myself out of it. After a lifetime of always doing things wrong in others' eyes, it's very hard to let go of the feeling of constant rejection.

[@juguerin]

Oh yess I felt it hard. I end up hating the all world. But then, I discoverd philosophy and sociology. It helps me taking a step back and gather a nicer point of view on my fellow humans. Since then I now discovered my ADHD flavored Autism. Makes sense that we don't get each other. Somehow I prefer to be in my position. It might be wierd since I whent through hell at school. But I can't think that their way might be the right one. 😂

[@Kay.MoonChild]

Couldn't agree with you more, It might not be typical but I'd not trade for an allistic life.

[@SadTeddyBeer]

Perfect timing for this video. Was doing researchs on RSD for two days and you come with this. Thank you. On the subject of RSD, I'm living it since I was a child and organized all my social postures around this psychological factor.

[@jay6562]

Paul, you think about the same things I do. I'm constantly evaluating whether or not my rejection is in my head or real. It's so hard to tell the difference. I think that part of being autistic is that we are always the last one's to know! We spend more effort figuring it out and more time both over and under estimating it!

[@Mab-pw4yt]

The points you make made me think, remember and recognize. Thank you. I also want to add a comment: It is about understanding the ones who reject us. To me that is a strategy when rejection is real. I am sometimes too much for others to deal with. At least at the moment I am rejected. All humans have problems and daily struggles, even if I cannot always see what they struggle with. I know I have rejected people my self. Would I like persons to hate me for doing that? Certainly not. Would I like them to be depressed or feel guilty or feel ashamed? No. So why should I feel ashamed for being rejected as long as my heart was right? It is very hard to be rejected by some one who I love or who is valuable to me, even thinking about it years after hurts. But after I have had to reject people my self, I simply did not have more attention energy or time to give away, I have learned to understand my rejectors and that sets me free even thou it hurts.

[@KK-ex3ej]

Fantastic video and information

[@avonacolyte]

This is so relatable. Over-reaction to perceived rejection has blown up so many of my previously adequate relationships. The only approach I have found that works is simply "care less" (which is not as cold or depressing as it sounds)

[@veevee411]

You must hear this often but your content is a gold mine! I think I am mostly NT though my current partner is undiagnosed but has every single trait that your videos discuss. I’m trying to understand him better and work out some of the kinks in our relationship to determine if it’s a dynamic I’m comfortable with pursuing for the long term so this is incredibly helpful. I’d love to eee more content on how NT partners can also work on having their needs met in this sort of dynamic, as I often feel unsupported and I also feel bad bringing it up since I know he has his own way of thinking and feeling. Thank you!

[@EugeneHoverhand]

Neurodivergent experiences problem, neurotypical most affected Couldn't have phrased it better myself lmao

[@PhilBurns-oc2vg]

I've always thought that when I was rejected it was because they didn't like me, not because of any other reasons, until I was diagnosed and thanks to these videos I'm starting to be able to understand things a bit better

[@neant2046]

My life has suddenly started making much more sense after this video... I'm autistic myself, I've heard about rejection sensitivity and RSD multiple times, and I even have a friend with ADHD who suffers from it, but for some reason I never thought that it could be applied to my own experiences... You've opened my eyes. A very neat explanation, thank you very much, Paul! 🙏

[@solcitoespero4615]

Dear Paul, I've now realized that you´ve been producing these videos for 8 years and I'm eager to watch them all! Good Job! Go on like this! I really feel like you in every thing you say. I'll get some popcorn and be delighted watching videos from someone like me! Thanks a lot!

[@Anonyymi-O]

Thank you, thank you! This video basically explains my whole life! I could notice this phenomenon at play over and over again in my threshold to approach people and interpret their reactions!

[@AlexLouiseWest]

Thank you from the Isle of Wight, England. This reminds me to check on one of my AuDHD fellow travellers as something is troubling her.

[@BadNessie]

My own worst nightmare: seeing a potential problem, researching if it actually is a problem and collecting evidence either way, presenting the problem, the evidence and a potential, mostly easy to achieve solution, to a person in charge (mostly happens at work, so usually my direct superior) and they reject it as nonsense or 'can't do anything about that, also not important'. An objective problem, with evidence, and with an objectively easy to achieve solution. I just can't with that kind of bs.

[@thurisas8438]

... and some time later the "not so important" problem you pointed out early turns out to be real and really not-so-unimportant and the solution you provided will only work if applied in advance... 😮‍💨 Cassandra Syndrome comes to mind.

[@BadNessie]

@@thurisas8438 yes, all of this. Also: oh nice, there's a term for it. Wasn't aware, thanks for sharing! There were times when I was told to shut up so much that I decided to shut up, which lead to nobody said anything!'. Sometimes I really can't with humans.

[@thurisas8438]

@BadNessie From Wikipedia: "Cassandra or Kassandra (/kəˈsændrə/; Ancient Greek: Κασσάνδρα, pronounced [kas:ándra], sometimes referred to as Alexandra; Ἀλεξάνδρα) in Greek mythology was a Trojan priestess dedicated to the god Apollo and fated by him to utter true prophecies but never to be believed."

[@mariaalejandrahongbeirute878]

I thought it was all in my head, thank you for making me feel "normal" I've been fearing rejection since i can remember, and the hamster wheel takes over... Thank you for publishing this video 🙏

[@caseybirgitta-skoog5532]

Very good. Also, official terms began as unofficial terms. It is still new enough to be "unofficial" but people are becoming aware of it and the label really helps us know what it is so we can learn how to manage it.

[@bologna3048]

RSD is the most important component to my ADHD, the best way i can describe it is like trying to touch a fire or something hot. When it takes having to do a particular task for someone, I will be very confident but then in the moment of undertaking such a task it's like I physically shut down and retreat into myself. It perplexes me and learning about this did help me understand that it IS something going on in my brain and the industry IS aware of it... frustrating that it's such a new research..

[@chrismaxwell1624]

I've always been drawn to weird people. But then being weird myself. Weird just felt comfortable. Sure be excluded from something I don't want to be included in does actually hurt, that seems odd to me. I know I didn't want to go to that party, really didn't want to go. Yet getting no invite to decline still hurts. I think it's fake excuses that I that I see through. Like they say it was "Only close family", but clearly all their fiends except me were there. Or it was a girls night out yet all other husbands were there. When confronted abut that my wife said she knew I wouldn't want to go but didn't' want hurt my feelings. She doesn't do that anymore. She tell me I may not like it but I'm welcome to come, I often don't go but appreciate the invite none the less.

[@h-aether]

It's always so hard to do the 'reality check' and figure out whether the rejection I'm perceiving is due to that actual incident and person, or dysphoria from past experiences. But I do make an effort to try and not just assume things. I guess it's just one of the things that makes building social connections that much more draining and complicated. I prefer to go away and think about something than react impulsively. So my sensitivity isn't perhaps so obvious. But I relate to a lot of the things in this video. Maybe just allowing myself time to process & self-regulate is a good strategy for me. Thankyou so much for covering this topic!

[@maximilianrpm2927]

not ADHD; but when I found about your videos, I went to your channel and started watching (most) in chronological order. I must add, that you look much better with short hair.

[@guianna]

I just looked up RSD last night and now I’m finding this video. Thank you for sharing this!

[@travishuckaby4687]

Thank you, Paul! I enjoy watching your videos and find that I relate to much of them. I didn't think this one would be something I found in myself, but I was wrong. It is helpful and revealing, speciffically regarding the rejection dysphoria. Thank you for sharing!

[@departamentedc564]

Thanks so much for this topic. Exploring it. I've been struggling to engage in relationships for 34 years and that was the main reason of my problems. Never splitted palms with any girl. Recently diagnosed and NOW this film. O gosh, that is really good news

[@michellelambton3636]

I’ll be watching for rejection issues now. I believe I have been plagued by it, my partner too. It looks different in both of us. Thanks for this topic.

[@pdk9903]

Story of my life. Your categories help make sense of it! I feel like rejection dysphoria is a chronic state with some reprieves. It helps to have a supportive partner; I don't really have friends, probably because lifetime of rejection 😅 But also - I've rejected a lot of people, sometimes for sheer self-preservation.

[@Jen999]

This is all new to us.. we have experienced this and did not think it was like everyone else we knew perceived or handled it.. we shut down and determined we would not allow ourselves to be in a situation like that again.. was very hurtful and difficult to deal with.. Both of us are like mirrors to one another.. we are so alike we can anticipate what the other is thinking.. without talking.. we have been labeled often as too sensitive or over reactive.. We subscribed to your channel to learn.. and we have done so.. thank you for. that.. We know for sure we are both severely introverted.. as well as highly sensitive empaths.. we are among those on the outside looking in.. we are happy and safe with each other.. going outside is difficult at best and overwhelming at worst.. We enjoy touching and holding each other.. find this calming and safe.. eye contact with each other is grand.. but exceedingly difficult with others.. we are each others safe harbor.. when we must be apart.. for work etc.. we are exhausted and scared and want to go home.. where we are safe together.. We are unsure about autism.. some of the signs you listed we have.. but not all.. we do not wear bright colours.. usually black or dark colours like blue, green or purple.. we try to blend into the background.. we are shy and embarrassed being noticed.. We are thankful to have each other 💜💙 Thank you for your wonderful channel.. we love to learn.. the video we just watched was enlightening.. you did an excellent job.. an excellent teacher you are! From 💜💙 William and Jen

[@jbr84tx]

You are so fortunate to have found each other. It's a blessing to have an understanding partner.

[@Jen999]

@ Actually we found each other.. unconditional love.. and you are right .. a blessing indeed.. thank you for your kind reply.. 💜💙

[@wmdkitty]

That is an unhealthy level of codependence and togetherness. Please, take time away from each other.

[@Jen999]

@@wmdkitty We appreciate and respect your opinion.. you have no idea how difficult our lives were before we met.. since that time our lives had been blessed with peace and joy.. nothing lasts forever.. even good things..😭💔💜💙 My beautiful and gentle husband suffered from nocturnal tonic clonic epilepsy since birth.. he passed in his sleep.. and my life has lost the best part of me.. so.. Embrace goodness and peace and joy.. wherever and with whomever you find it.. nothing lasts forever.. except unconditional love.. and the promise we shall be together again for eternity..🙏💜💙 Btw.. things are not always as they seem in anyone’s life., always better to find out facts before passing judgment.. What we stated WAS real and beautiful for us.. As we said.. we respect your opinion.. 💜💙

[@itisdevonly]

I think there's an important point to be made about rejection dysphoria in autism. Because the examples you gave of "neutral" weren't necessarily neutral. They might be, or they might not be. You didn't give enough information, because context and body language play a huge role in whether or not a statement can be taken at face value. At face value, those statements were neutral, but we know damn well that neurotypicals often speak between the lines and don't mean the things they say. But when you are autistic and cannot pick up on those subtle signals in order to differentiate what's neutral from what's rejection, then it's natural to assume by default that it's all rejection (or at least, to fear that it could be). I get upset and anxious when I can't tell if I'm being rejected or if someone is upset with me. I would be less upset and anxious if I just knew for certain one way or another. I would rather be rejected and know I'm being rejected than be in a situation where I'm maybe being rejected, but I can't really tell. I think my ability to handle rejection is greater than my ability to handle the uncertainty around whether or not I'm being rejected. Because how am I supposed to react adaptively to my situation if I cannot gauge what the situation actually is? Like, say it is a rejection and I assume it's not. Well now I'm at greater risk for being bullied for not "taking a hint." Or people may pick up on the fact that I'm seemingly "desperate" (not giving up after having been rejected) and then choose to use that to their advantage to exploit me for free labor or such by simply pretending to be my friend. Not recognizing rejection can also contribute to potential social ostracism. If I had taken the hint, maybe others in the group would have been okay with me, even if that one person wasn't. But since I didn't take the hint and instead continued to behave as if I hadn't just been rejected, now I have created a negative impression in others, which can increase the likelihood of others rejecting me later. If it is a true rejection, I want to know, because then I can respond by holding my head high and taking the attitude of, "well it's your loss." Instead of chasing after something that's clearly not going to come to fruition, I can save my energy and focus my attention elsewhere, on people who actually like and respect me. But if I take that course of action, but I had misread the situation and it actually wasn't a rejection, I may have inadvertently burned a bridge and ruined a relationship that might have otherwise been just fine. So, basically, if I react inappropriately to the situation in either direction, I risk harming myself and/or my relationships. My inability to read the situation causes massive anxiety and a fear that I'm always being rejected. I think that is a major part of RSD. At least, it is for me. I always feel like I have to play it safe - try to make connections, but don't try too hard, and back off if there's any sign of possible rejection, lest I chase after a lost cause and hurt myself worse in the process. I probably lose out on a lot of potential relationships that way (and it's probably a major factor in my social isolation), but the only way to not do that is to err on the side of not giving up when I should, and putting myself right back at risk for the kind of bullying and social ostracism I experienced in early childhood. That shit was traumatic. I can handle social isolation better than I can handle active bullying and ostracism. I'm very sensitive to rejection, especially if It's unexpected, both because of my inherent sensitivity, and my trauma history.

[@aslfdjalskjflkajs134]

I had a bout of this recently - I believe it was merely perceived rejection but it hit me like a ton of bricks, felt like it took a couple years off my life. I believe I handled it ok, but it was so emotionally re-traumatizing. I'm just so tired of this. It's like being tortured.

[@marisa5359]

Yes, indeed. I had always chalked that aspect up to my CPTSD but sounds like it is also woven in to my neurodivergence.

[@paulinejulien9191]

I experience RSD and I’m autistic without ADHD, so definitely not limited to ADHD 👍

[@scottfw7169]

There after 9:38, the question about primary school - I have no recall of being aware of who was, or even if anyone was, rejecting me, with the Navy transferring Dad every 2 years I had enough constant general anxiety & hesitance to get attached that any rejection simply got lost in that baseline stress and turmoil.

[@gabrieljones143]

You just described the story of my life and what I have been going through, aswell as how i made the rejection real by my reaction to percieved rejection and I have been struggling mentally so much lately it been so hard that i dont wanna try anymore. It helps to know im not alone and that im not crazy, but it feels hopeless and i just want to give up

[@Golddusteyes]

Excellent video Paul. As usual, right on the money

[@plowe6751]

In the alternate timeline, the George McFly who punched Biff overcame his rejection sensitivity dysphoria and eventually became a successful science fiction writer.

[@1st1anarkissed]

I learned the word ostracize at a very young age. I learned, vaguely, why, at an old age. In between I learned to dismiss people who do that as beneath my concern.

[@johnfsenpai]

4:55 if your friend replies "OK" with no emoji, that's just a normal answer to acknowledge reading your message. If they reply "OK.", that's definitely rejection. People very rarely use a period in the end of their messages and my friends have taught me that it's used to indicate a dry tone

[@enfieldjohn101]

Good topic! For me, it's like it's the opposite situation from what is considered normal. It's normal to be a generally acceptable person who is only occasionally rejected. In my case, I have been a reject from birth who is only occasionally accepted by someone or a very small group. Often times, the few who accept me are fellow rejects. I can count the number of kids who I could genuinely consider to be friends in my childhood on one hand. All of them were also rejected by the people around us. The best we could hope for in the community we grew up in was to be tolerated or at least ignored. Our parents loved us I suppose, but we often felt like they were deeply disappointed in us because we weren't normal like the other kids, or what that community considered normal anyway. Where I grew up, you were supposed to enjoy Country music, attend - or even participate in - rodeos and/or football, basketball or volleyball, and your biggest goal in life was supposed to be taking over your parents' ranch when you grew up. Every kid in that very small, rural community had those aspirations and likes - except for the three of us. Now and then, there would be a fourth if a family moved into the county who had a 'weird kid', but most families who didn't have multi-generational roots in the county didn't stay long. I was weird because I was incredibly clumsy and uncoordinated. Couldn't even catch a beach ball if you tossed it gently to me. I also couldn't run more than a few paces without tripping over my own feet and falling down. I'd bump into things, or reach out for and miss things because I couldn't tell how far away they were for sure. My eyes weren't visibly crossed. In fact, I actually couldn't cross them even when I really tried. People would say "Look at your nose." I'd only be able to see one side of it or the other and even controlling my eyes well enough to do that took a lot of effort. We discovered, after going to many specialists, that I was born seeing everything double and that the duplicates would shift around. Words on a page appeared to slide around and not stay lined up properly so I wasn't able to read. I had to put a hand over one eye in order to see properly and even then, everything was blurry and it became even blurrier when I covered either eye. We finally found an eye doctor who diagnosed the cause and prescribed glasses and eye exercises for me. Doing the exercises was terrible and my poor mom and grandma really had 'fun' (not) trying to keep me doing them every day. It did eventually help a little, but it took years of physical therapy to get to where I could control my double vision as long as I wasn't too tired. I was usually unable to sleep all night and rarely got more than three or four hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, so I was usually tired. Long story shorter, this meant that anything that required depth perception, quick reflexes, quick footwork, laser focus on anything etc. was either impossible or a big struggle at best. As you might imagine, it didn't make me the most popular kid in school. I could hear just fine, however. In fact, I heard maybe a bit too well. I heard everything and it was really difficult to block any of it out so that I could focus on one person speaking or something like that. I would sometimes plug my ears with cotton and tell the teacher that I had an ear ache if she even noticed. I usually didn't have an ear ache, I was just trying to muffle the background noises. However, when it came to music, my ability to hear everything really helped. I wasn't able to read the sheet music, but I could listen to someone sing the part or play it on the piano and then sing it exactly the same. I could listen to the kids in the choir singing around me, find a voice of someone who was singing my part and sing what they sang. Kind of like perfect pitch. It's too bad that no one else, except my music teacher and my mom and grandmas, cared as much about singing music as they did about listening to popular music groups. I was a very good singer, but that didn't matter to the people who picked on me for being bad at pretty much everything else. So, I didn't pursue a career in music because that wasn't a 'real job' for regular people. Only famous people could make a career from singing, I was told. I guess in didn't occur to people where I grew up that every famous singer started out as a regular person unless they were the kid of an already famous singer. I can read and write now. I can even type like I'm doing right now. Rather quickly on a keyboard in fact, but that's because I have memorized where all of the keys are and reach for them by memory and feel. It took about twice as long as it 'should' have to get to the point where I could read and write independently. On top of that, I've always found talking to people face to face to be intimidating. Very stressful, like every conversation is a job interview. Part of it is that fear of rejection. I'd much rather send someone an email or a text instead. Even then when I hit send after carefully editing what I'm trying to say, I wonder if the recipient will reject it. But at least when I'm online, it's easier to escape from a stressful conversation than it is face to face. I'm sure that I experience all three forms of rejection that you discussed so well. Like I say, being rejected to some degree is my usual, so it's like chronic physical pain, like my scoliosis - there all the time so you sort of get used to it. I'm rather shocked when someone does decide to accept me.

[@Newtable_Blooms]

I enjoy your lesson shares. I may make flashcards with this .

[@jay6562]

I avoid trying to make friendships and ironically have done a lot of rejecting any attempts to make friends with me. I put all of my effort into my wife and kids. I have associates at work and church, but no attempts to really make close friends because I'm too afraid of rejection! I have all the sociality I can handle with my big family and serving along side others in shallow but long-term relationships.

[@BradLee-g6e]

Thanks for giving me answers man i got goosebumps

[@saandrasabrina]

This is such an important video. Thank you

[@Lebensfreude]

Your channel is great, keep going Paul. God bless you!

[@ivanaamidzic]

I don't have rejection dysphoria. However, most of my friends & colleagues with ADHD do (I am only autistic).

[@julieallen3372]

An additional challenge is that ostracism and rejection is common as a child and this leads to avoidance and possibly a more entrenched avoidant personality disorder… which of course leads to other people thinking you are unfriendly and pulling away.. and ‘rejecting’ all over again. But it’s worth being aware that even in deeply loving relationships we each ‘reject’ aspects or bids for attention, all the time but in mature relationships, it’s about learning how to reconnect again as quickly as possible

[@mamun001]

I am so grateful for your channel and content

[@springtwigz]

Yep. Same. Story of my life.

[@rebeckajarl3934]

Thank you for talking about this, this is really helpful.

[@polyglotte]

Really appreciate these videos.

[@bobsoldrecords1503]

I've been told nobody likes me since childhood, so i expect rejection and am suspicious of anyone who goes against that.

[@autisticjenny]

You truly explain things on a very easy to understand way and your graphcs and texts keep the attention of my adhd brain😊😅thank you for covering this topic. I relate.

[@Adriell.h.b.]

This is very helpful and relateable. I'm still not sure how to deal with it, especially dealing with past rejection trauma. I'm definitely still in the flight/fawn stage and want to withdrawal from society. But I do have a counselor and am working through some stuff.

[@solangelalebron1348]

I hope the counselor is not T.D. Jakes. His WIFE was the one to went to go seek him and wrote a love letter about him. Even his daughter told her now husband to take her on a date. All counselors are not giving good advice. That's why the Bible is there for. If men don't confront you is because they don't like you. A man needs to AT LEAST show interest. Something to make you know you are liked. That's what my grandfather told me. He said if the man is too scared to go up to you, then is he going to protect your children?

[@Adriell.h.b.]

@@solangelalebron1348 Why did you say that in response to my comment??? It makes no sense. Go post this somewhere else.

[@mudotter]

Rejection has been the story of my life too. The bullying and rejection I have experienced never stropped with grad school. It followed me into post secondary education, the work place, and most recently, I got pushed out of the non-profit I started! It prevents me from sleeping, makes me nauseous, drains me on a soul level, and I can feel literally gutted if it's actually happening for real. My strategy is to remove myself from where I am not wanted. Where it cause the most trouble is in my marriage as I can over react before I realize it's not an actual rejection. My car is my safe place, and I can choose to indulge overwhelm, or recover as needed.

[@debbiegarden6306]

I’ve felt and maybe read too much into how people speak with me in this way. I just thought this was probably how most people felt and there were people that were more popular than others and me being in the others category. But as a child I felt unloved and voiced it in tears often I with my parents. This feeling was overwhelming and very real and my parents seemed both confused by it and treated it like an attention getting ploy on my part. But for me it was a very strong feeling that left me anxious and insecure. Now as an adult I feel invisible when in a group. I feel like everyone talks over me and even when they hear me they ignore me. This too is a very strong feeling when it happens.

[@steveneardley7541]

I went through a period where if I thought someone was being negative or rejecting, I would just ask them up front to specify their feelings. From their responses, I discovered that while there was a grain of truth in my perception of rejection, it was almost always pretty overblown. I knew that asking these kinds of intrusive questions was socially weird, and didn't do it all that long, but it actually did help in the long run. Since I was pretty thoroughly rejected by my parents, there's a way in which I don't take rejection all that seriously. As a kid, I could be talking about the weather, and my father would be yelling at me within fifteen seconds. Even as a kid I knew that this was HIS problem. I just saw him as the enemy, which was very helpful actually. I think it is very important to figure out who's on your side and to emotionally divorce yourself from people who aren't.

[@MacheteKitten]

I cannot stand it when people say "If you want..." Especially if I'm asking them if they want to do something. "Sure, if you want to." If I'm asking then clearly I want to! Half the time it makes me feel like they don't want to say no, but are trying to put the responsibility on me to take back my invite, because they don't want to feel bad.

[@briank8839]

Exactly that question, if the response is "if you want to.".... I take it to mean they could go for it but it's not their first choice. I guess it could also be taken as, "sure, if you're sure you feel up to it." or even "Absolutely, if this is something you'd like to do then I'm all in!" Maybe we need to look closely at non-verbal cues for this one. Non-verbal cues with neuro-divergent people? Now I see your frustration!! 😆

[@MacheteKitten]

@@briank8839 I don't get why more people can't be direct. I've been in situations where I've suggested an activity that someone acted up for, then later revealed they weren't into it. One time, I bought tickets for an event after they confirmed they wanted to go, and then literally a few days before, they said, 'We should do X instead,' because they weren't really interested in going. I asked them why they just didn't say that in the first place, and they said "Because you wanted to go..." Well, yeah, I did, but I also wanted a mutually enjoyable experience. I'm not into dragging people to do things they aren't into. If my chosen company isn't into something I'll find someone else, or just go by myself.

[@steveneardley7541]

It's objectively a pretty annoying thing to say, because it does imply ambivalence, and getting them to clarify their feelings could be socially weird.

[@MacheteKitten]

@@steveneardley7541 I've tried that, because I need confirmation. If they aren't the type who can be straightforward from the start, getting a real answer is next to impossible. I also wrote another response on here, but it looks like it disappeared. KZbin is being weird lately.

[@devthomaskutty]

People forget adhd can give social challenges too. Also asd can give high energy.

[@daniellfourie]

This is excellent!

[@amyl.9477]

Oh... I don’t need to imagine how they would sound rejection, “OK.” definitely sounds like rejection to me. I’ve learnt that it often isn’t but it still sounds like rejection

[@josephmartin1540]

Perfect timing. I had been really struggling and losing the fight with THE RSD part for the last 6 hours and heading towards full meltdown. At least. Thank you and excellent! I wonder if these issues are really symptomatic of CPTSD?

[@josephmartin1540]

PS there was zero rejection in the text which triggered my non understood feelings.