Avoid the argument: Find answers that make sense to the person with dementia

[@Sentimentalist0923]

Thank you for helping us caregivers. Your advice and tips are gold!

[@dino946]

When my Mom went thru this for 17 years, I made up my mind to keep her happy, if she talked about seeing someone that had passed, I went along with it, it only took one time to see how hard it was on her to learn for the “first” time that person was gone. I had all fun visits enjoyed every minute that I was lucky enough to have her for. I do not regret fibbing to her, God saw it all and He knows my motive to keep her as happy as possible.

[@ceriwiercx263]

Grocery shopping at a supermarket was completed by my hubby with dementia unloading trolley for cashier to ring up. I helped packer bag and load to take home and paid. pushing the trolley and saw hubby now taking bought items from the next customer at the till and loading them in a trolley.? I called him to come with me but he stood his ground that we still had purchases coming and to pay for. I saw on his face that my telling him we were done and all paid for and ready to go was not creating any reaction but anxiety that we had not finished our shopping. I then held him close and whispered in his ear "Here is our trolley all paid for. We can't afford to pay for that customer's groceries too. Lets go home now". This settled it. He heard and understood what I whispered in his ear but what I said face to face had become a confrontation as it was not understood.

[@barbieskates540]

Brilliant!!!! Smart thinking.. Loved it.

[@Justonlinetowatch]

Even harder when it’s a parent that see’s themself as above you, and never was the type to let people come up close. :/ They just yell saying they don’t care how things were, or is supposed to be.

[@barrycrook5995]

Avoid the argument and change the subject! After 49 years of marriage, my wife is a past master of that ploy, so she is well aware of what I am trying to do. When I try this time and time again, I feel that I am not being sincere in our relationship, and feel that I am slowly losing my love for her and we are not talking person to person, but I am being evasive to satisfy her. The more its done, the easier it becomes and I am almost at the point where I do it without thinking, and without the emotion to know that I am doing it only to satisfy her and my personal involvement is becoming that I am just the messenger.. carrying the message ... whatever it needs to be from situation to situation. My personality, developed in our long marriage is changing, and I am no longer the person which traded interesting conversation with someone that challenged me. Now I feel that I am talking to someone I don't know, as the empathy and compassion and loving a bright sparkling person I knew is slowly fading. .

[@deanafuruya]

Boy, can I relate to your story❣️ After 45 years, sometimes I just feel his true colors have shown themselves, as I had seen glimpses previously, when I look back🤔 Now, after always being the bright happy, always my glass 3/4 full, always a silver lining if you look hard enough, type of person… I feel like a shell of myself, and as if no matter how hard I try, I am just marking time now for both of us…I don’t like either of us very much any more…😢 And then feel guilty and horrible and try again to start all over again, looking for that silver lining, or Any bright side ‼️😳😞

[@jozeflak1868]

Thank you Dr Natalie for this video. I do agree no one wants to lie , I know I don't and also agree that sometimes we need to relieved all that anxiety from our LO. Our LO struggling every day with this disease, and yes sometimes trying to logic with them it's not working or redirecting. I personally find out that if I tell my wife a lie and she's at ease not flipping out, and not hyperventilating She's is ok with my answer then I leave it at that, and my wife is very very stubborn. I have to work extra hard to com up with logical explanation for her, and if that doesn't work then I have to lie. Thank you for your time and for this video.

[@patryvlogsencanada1929]

Thanks for all your tips!!

[@romainerancier6678]

Thank you Dr. Natali! Your videos are so helpful.

[@thompsonsmith3256]

Hello Dear How are you doing today?

[@cathyblock6197]

Thank you, another great solution!

[@noemip8444]

Very helpful , thanks I will share with my sibling. I am learning a lot ...👌🏼

[@DewiiAljoe]

Great advices

[@nobutterinhell]

Awesome video This info really helped Thank you If I do decide to do the online course with you it looks like I’m gonna have to wait until the spring of 2020 you’re doing awesome work thank you it’s a great service to many people

[@nuwoman1828]

I redirect and tell happy fibs to my mom, she's the only person still living from her immediate family 💔 my grandparents and uncles are gone, she was in a residential facility for a few years prior to my bring her home , due to the owner being forced to retire, thank God it was a decent place. I'm mom's sole caregiver, she attends daycare three days a week, I love mom and I do my best although I gets tough sometimes, but I'm doing what I can to cherish this time together. By the way I like your hair color 💞

[@Centori417]

It's great to hear this technique works well for you! It sounds like you are doing a great job caring for you mom!

[@nuwoman1828]

@@Centori417 Thank you I'm doing my best.

[@lindabell6316]

Thank Dr Natali. I totally agree with the idea of using a ‘compassionate lie’. This works for my father. Perhaps it could be called a’compassionate alternative’ for those that don’t like the word ‘lie’.

[@Centori417]

Great idea Linda! I really is just meeting them in their alternate reality.

[@barbieskates540]

@@Centori417 Brilliant. I love that. Meet them in their alternate reality. I hated when people kept reminding my dad that ALL of his brothers and many other loved ones were ALL dead. He lived in a state of sorrow and grief. It was so cruel of them. "Compassionate answers" are best

[@EliasJWhite]

My dad once started complaining that I wasn't doing housework when he was staying with me. I'd done the laundry and vacuuming yesterday. I didn't realize he had dementia at the time. He only got a diagnosis shortly afterward. I'd gotten upset and wanted to defend myself and wondered if he was doing it on purpose. When he go the diagnoses, I realized my mistakes and that I shouldn't have taken it personally. From no on, I just validate his concerns, and if he says the housework hasn't been done, I just explain I'll do it, validate his concerns and keep working.

[@jaimeguzman3083]

My dad paste away he has dementia your video where very helpful thank you very much

[@Centori417]

Hi Jaime, I am sorry for your loss and that you and your father went through this horrible disease.

[@barrycrook5995]

Frustration and Depression has taken on a whole new meaning this week, as has the meaning : Spitting the Dummy. Being a carer means being prepared to lose your own individuality, and personality. My son asks why I have changed so much, and despite what I considered an in-depth explanation, he still cant understand my frustration. I My frustration and depression is only because I am not, and never will be prepared to walk away from her, or my hope that there will be a cure for her.

[@Centori417]

Hi Barry, I am sorry to hear about your situation. It can be very difficult when family does not understand and/or is not supportive. Please make sure to take care of yourself and find support throughout this process

[@JoJo-zv7ri]

My father INSISTS he can walk without any assistance, refuses cane, walker, or arm... but continually falls forward and has to use wall or..if in store the shelves. So frustrating Scarry and I shamefully wish he would submit but relish his will.

[@jannafarmer3504]

Jo Jo - YES! My father-in-law does the same! So stubborn, lol!

[@barbieskates540]

Show them old movie clips of admirable distinguished gentlemen using a cane. They make canes like that Now. You can also talk about how you admired the distinguished elequant smartlooking gentle with canes. Replace the belief of helpless people use canes. KZbin has video clips old distinguished gentlemen using canes. Show him these and say how you admire these people.

[@Justonlinetowatch]

@@barbieskates540 Mine can’t see well, so sadly it won’t work if he doesn’t accept words. This is otherwise amazing advise.

[@vheilshorn]

Lying to my mom makes it worse, because she knows I'm patronizing her. The problem is that most of the time she comes up with an argument where she knows there is no solution. For example, asking for her parents (they are both dead): If I tell her they are at their house, she will escalate the argument by asking me to call them. Or if she asks to "go home" to the house that we lived in years ago and I take her there (I know the lady that lives there now), she will suddenly "get it" the minute we pull in the drive way -- but once I leave and head for home, she immediately starts asking again. I could go on and on with examples of this. EVERY big argument we have is over things with absolutely no solution, and that by design. The problem is not one of communication. She wants a conflict -- usually when she's either tired or bored. When I lie to her, it just makes everything worse because the conflict -- and the drama it produces -- is the whole point.

[@Centori417]

I'm sorry you are in this difficult position. Are there ways to avoid the argument by say something like, "I know you miss your parents, I miss them too. Do you want to write them a letter?" Or something like that? I also notice you said she does this a lot when she is bored. Is there a way to build in more activities or for her to visit with others that might make this a less common occurrence?

[@Decepticrumb]

ZZ Stop My husband is dealing with the exact same thing with his mother. She WANTS to fight and argue. So trying to placate and tell small lies for her benefit gets us the exact same reaction as directly confronting her with reality. It’s so difficult.

[@sherribrown8756]

We have a terrible time with my grandmother feeding bites of her food with her dog. The main issue with this is that it often makes the dog sick. Reasoning with her about this doesn't work. She gets angry and upset. We've tried feeding the dog his own food at meals, but he usually finishes and then comes back to her. We've tried removing the dog from the room at meals, but she will get upset asking where is the dog. It often turns mealtime into a stressful situation for everyone. Do you have any suggestions?

[@sandyscott8565]

Oh my goodness I am going through the same but it is my mother. As we realize they receive a bonding with the dog, which is good. Many do not like the fact she feeds them people food but what i started doing and its helped me is telling mom she needs her nutrients so I place a small amount of safe food for the dog on a napkin or dish and I told her when you want to share here's some for the dog. Its helped a good amount not perfectly but better 😁

[@timothymay7589]

Hi Sherri we went through this also and Sandy has a good solution, none are perfect. I have a couple more suggestion, feed the dog at the same time, go slow making a production of it with the dog to slow it down giving mom time to eat. you could also get a treat stuffy toy so the dog is preoccupied. Best wishes, hope you find a good solution.

[@angelatrusdall3007]

I also had this problem with my mom wanting to give her dog half of whatever she's eating. So now I just put the dog out whenever she's eating. I also have to hide the dog's bowl so she's not feeding her whenever she sees it.

[@nancyschaefer9748]

My husband realizes he is going a facility and claims he just wants me to find someone to kill him and it will all be over. I cannot answer him.

[@aydeecruz3016]

My mother says that someone is stealing her clothes. She usually says it’s my aunt(her sister) that is going in an stealing her clothes, shoes, wall clock even a clothes washer. We just do not know what to tell her when she’s says clothes was stolen or what to do. She will say we don’t believe her and that is not her illness.

[@sigridarleneangelo-dagyape3438]

Its my first time taking care of dementia and its her first time having a foreign caregiver. My problem how to let her get up every morning because we need her to take a shower for her diaper is overflowing or sometimes she did pooh but she dont like to get up? Thanknyou for answering.

[@doloresvega4420]

My mother in law is stuck with why did she get dementia. I tell her there is no answer but you have love ones who are taking care of you. To focus on this and that she still can eat, walk on her own. Is there a better way to approach her answer? Greatly appreciate anyones response.

[@sandyscott8565]

Delores I EMPATHIZE with you! It is hard because its that why question... You have pointed to all the positive perspectives and still the why question. Only if there was acceptance of the answers like aging or if we could predict the future we all would avoid getting in challenging circumstances. NONETHELESS, I understand and look forward to hearing any ones advice that helps😉

[@doloresvega4420]

Sandy Scott Thank you Sandy, we are in this together and all we can do is to support each other and prayers as well. Take care and let’s do our best to care our love ones👍🏼🌺

[@timothymay7589]

Hi Dolores don't think there's a good answer, something that might help is a support group. My mother-in-law didn't have Alzheimer's only a disease until we got her in a support group. It's surprising how being around outher people who also suffer can help you accept it and move on. Our prayers are with you

[@doloresvega4420]

Timothy May Thank you Timothy, I will check into it.👍🏼

[@doloresvega4420]

Sandy Scott Thank you Sandy

[@Cynthiazigg]

Having trouble with my husband realizing he needs help with finances now. It's really getting quite scary at the bank. I've tried explaining to him in a calm manner that it's ok to ask for help. He starts blaming different reasons why he's having trouble, that he is fine. I don't know what to do. I honey think he didn't do things right last time. He's always saying, I e done this all my life, I know what I'm doing. Bless his heart. One more thing taken away, driving was a tough one.

[@Centori417]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you are finding the videos helpful and are finding good support elsewhere. If you haven't downloaded Dr. Natali's Careblazer Survival Guide, you may find it helpful: kzbin.info?v=yycvLvwhdEs&redir_token=r3e-hpZA3WmNJp4gQ9q7jnORFrR8MTU3NDA5OTQ5NkAxNTc0MDEzMDk2&event=video_description&q=https%3A%2F%2Fapp.convertkit.com%2Flanding_pages%2F366531%3Fv%3D7

[@carolryan2419]

I am just now seeing this video and want to share with you what we did to get my husband to turn over finances to me and my children, we had an intervention here at our house, I thought it would not go well because despite me telling him to turn over things he of course would not hear of it from me, but when the children came over and just told him it was time to do so he surprised us all be agreeing, they told him to turn over the checkbook and his credit cards and he did so, thank goodness he did because he was giving money away to different things that we could not afford. This has been about a year now, I don't know if this could work for you or not but if you have children maybe it is something you may like to try.

[@clairesealy5935]

How can I avoid arguing with my Mom if she asks me :" why do you let me sleep in different houses during the week without informing me properly?" That I confuse her. That I should not take advantage of her because she is sick. That she leaves stuff behind and that I need to go to get it with her. Meanwhile the reality is that every night she sleeps in our own bed in her house. She has a live inn. She does this at least four times a week. Pls Help .Where do I start?

[@tonytackett3843]

For decades my mother was treated with actos for diabities, Plavicks to prevent white and red blood sells from sticking together and pain meds for arthritis, after my fathe died she began to abuse the pain meds to the point of almost dying from lack of blood in her body due to bleeding allsers witch resulted in her getting cut off her meds and entered into Casper, a country wide program to prevent addicts from perusing more drugs threw DRs. Now for 14 months My mother refuses to go to DR. Her vitals remain stable. But I am scare that vitals don't expose ALL problems. How can I get help without violating her write to choose ? Reasoning with her is impossible. She in my opinion is fear mongering for attention. In the past she would fall into a mild accoma after 4 to 5 days without these meds but after she had gotten cut off of pain meds this is no longer the case. 14 months and NO meds. I am confused and scared. My siblings recently suggested I turn her over to the state because no nursing home will take her without a DR. and list of meds to evaluate weather there equipped to treat her. I am disabled myself and can't drive . I often thought if I take my own life somebody would have to help her. But for now her stable vitals keep me praying for a miracle. My health also has bean but on the back burner and I myself am suffering the need for DR care but find it selfish to pursue it.

[@vickimartin4804]

Not good to lie !

[@maelowrey93]

Do you have an email that I can Write to? I have a few things that I’d like to ask you about. My mother is 80 and has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Thank you

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Hi Meagan, My email is [e-mail]. I can't respond to all emails, but I try. I'm actually hosting an online class later this week and I offer a live question/answer session. If you can make one of the times, that may be your best bet to get my thoughts. You can save your spot here: www.careblazers.com/careclass

[@maelowrey93]

@@DementiaCareblazers thanks you. So I'm new to KZbin classes. Once set up for a time how do we communicate?

[@DementiaCareblazers]

@@maelowrey93 You'll be getting an email with a special link to click on the day of the class. :)

[@leesher1845]

I like the redirecting better than the lying.

[@sharynjohnson5582]

Great advise,I have fibbed a little to my husband and it has helped. I want to ask a Question on affects of patient if caregiver has major surgery and someone else to step in and take over for a week or so. My surgery is 4 hours away and Bob will be in a motel with our daughter , I know he gets really confussed when we go for one night anywhere. Do you think this can cause faster regression for him.

[@Centori417]

Hi Sharyn, I'm sorry no one got back to your before your surgery. I hope it went well! Keeping as much routine as possible can be helpful even in new environments. So bringing familiar items like pillows or objects that are used daily can be helpful. While he is out of his usual environment, he may experience an increase in confusion but he will likely return to his usual behavior once he returns home and is back in his routine.

[@sharynjohnson5582]

@@Centori417 Thanks Ashley I actually will have the surgery on the 27th and this was a big concern of mine..how hewill adjust to new surroundings during my hospital stay

[@KiKiQuiQuiKiKi]

Kindness trumps “truth” every time. 💝

[@0311usmcveteran]

nice pants 👖😎👍🙋‍♂️

[@angelatrusdall3007]

I'm having a hard time getting my mom to get in the shower. She refuses.

[@timothymay7589]

Hi Angela your mom is quite normai, We had to be creative with hygein. Sponge baths work you can get drifoam shampoo but showers are nice now and then. I remember spilling pop or juice then helping mom get clean, it worked. The hard part is getting past the dignity issue take it slow use respect offer to help don't try to force it. Hope this helps God bless and good luck.

[@angelatrusdall3007]

Thank you Timothy!! I'll try the spilling something on her 🤣. I try using part of the shower curtain between us to get her to get undressed. I've got her to get in twice, but with underwear still on. I've tried to get her to use the disposable wash cloths, but she doesn't understand., and she's not going to let me do it because in her mind she's perfectly fine and does not need help.

[@timothymay7589]

Yep mom was the same trust me it's just pride she knows better. Use your imagination just help she will calm as time goes on. washcloths are almost as good and she might do it easier. With both going on all will be good.

[@joycemitchell2092]

Angela, I had issues with my mama not showering also. She is a very private and modest person. It had actually been several months since bathing. She said she washes at the sink, but most of the time her washcloth would be dry. I ended up hiring a CNA/Medical Asst. to come out weekly. She wears her uniform so mama is more apt to do what she says. So far it has worked! For the last 4 weeks. Woohoo! She comes on Saturday morning and has coffee and chit chat with mama and then she gets her to the shower. Good Luck!

[@angelatrusdall3007]

Thank you Timothy!!