Avoidant Personality Disorder & chronic depression

Discussing chronic depression, nihilism, and lack of community surrounding avoidant personality disorder.
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[@superanxietychick7035]

Nail on the head. "We're not happier alone, we're just more comfortable alone" So so true, I want connections, just not in my house 😂 but it does get lonely sometimes.

[@hadeseye2297]

And if I say I'm happier alone? With crowds there is always noise, stupid talks, lack of knowledge. The company is what needs to suit your own personality. Not otherwise.

[@prove_it000]

Sweetheart. I am so happy to see a person with AVPD speaking in public and owning their space. I am vouching for you. The world is better with your video in it. I mean it. I really do.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

🥹😭❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

[@MiloSatori]

The worst feeling of depression is not wanting to be with your own body, that's exasperating and sad.

[@friarpesel5646]

I’ve done the same things you have, the intense feelings of being not good enough, the ghosting, the lack of follow through. You’re super extra not alone, I promise. So far the best practices I know of, certainly for me, are Zen in nature. Charlotte Joko Beck is a great author in this regard. ❤️ I wish you well. I like you. We like you 🙏

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you so much 🙏🏻❤️

[@manhathaway]

It is funny what sitting in a room talking to a camera can do in turn. I do appreciate your waffling, even if it isnt a full production video essay type deal.

[@zzdogger]

I've never heard of avpd, but I'm also creative and depressed, and have adhd. I've attributed my feelings of loneliness and isolation on my observation that being "creative" is a rare trait... The passion I have for my dozens of creative hobbies is so intense, then seeing almost nobody else share my enthusiasm chips away at me.

[@hadeseye2297]

You are just like any other artist. You need loneliness to create. To focus on what you do. So what's so special, or out of ordinary about it?

[@daveo9844]

Recently found out I’ve got AvPD. Enjoying your take on things as I’m trying to learn more about myself. Thanks 🙏

[@dessarose]

Fellow avoidant here. You are brave. Braver than I. Keep going. I think you are doing something great.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you ❤️

[@JuriSan81]

I never had a meaningful relationship with anyone besides my sister, which is pretty recent actually. I always kept things superficial with friends and boyfriends. And when I leave them I don't really miss them. I only realized that a couple of months ago thanks to therapy. And I don't know what to do...

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

My sister is also the only person on the planet that I believe knows the real me and I have absolutely noooooo idea what I would do without her. ❤️‍🩹

[@verfassungspatriot]

That sounds more like schizoid personality, but what do I know

[@JuriSan81]

@@verfassungspatriotthanks for that ❤

[@cbrox1986]

Same. If I do ever get in relationships I purposely get involved with people I don't even "romantically love". In my mind it will hurt less when they eventually leave, and I am also indifferent if they leave or stay

[@stacig5997]

I don't know if I have this, also am on the spectrum but when I "lose a friend" it is usually because I think that they are criticizing or rejecting me, then I ghost them and all I feel is relief, not really loss and I am not sure that is normal. My only meaningful connection is to my son so I understand what you are saying.

[@kaicat7540]

I have avoidant personality disorder and adhd too and your story is so similar to me. It hurts and sucks and thank you for sharing this. Even though I’m in doubt of my diagnoses (hilarious) I feel so validated knowing I’m not alone in the similar situation due to these damn symptoms of running and hiding and ghosting

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

When the imposter syndrome even comes for us in our diagnosis 🙃🫥 hahah yes, I understand you and you’re not alone ❤️🫂

[@RyTheUnDefined]

Thank you so much for sharing 💚 I was recently diagnosed with AvPD, and have struggled with many of the same feelings of like pointlessness and inadequacy for some years now. I try really really hard to get my music sounding perfect and when it doesn't I get angry at myself. I've had people give me contact for collabs and and was even approached by a growing local label once, but I end up feeling like if I can't make a song since *just right* nobody will want anything to do with me anyway. I get virtually no interaction on the very few songs I do upload (streaming algorithms defs don't help) and I just internalize that as confirmation of my lack of skill, despite being told by those who do hear my music that it's good. Furthermore, I used to be an incredibly social person, but nowadays I'm lucky if I go out to hang out with a single friend once a week. Sometimes I go weeks without hitting anybody up, and the only reason I even talk to anyone is because they happen to text me... Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling, it's just really great to hear not only from another person with this disorder, but also from another artist struggling with these often crippling symptoms. I really really love the idea of carving some sort of community for us who share this struggle, and I hope we're able to push against our disordered tendencies in order to create that community :) Thanks again, you've got a new subscriber 💚 P.S.: where can I find your art? I'd love to see some of it

[@evazsigmond8967]

I just came across this video. I was diagnosed with depression and panic disorder. Unfortunatelly, I scared of meeting people.😢 I don't know how to handle social situations. Even my English is broken. :(

[@user-rh2ge1hk4l]

Thank you for sharing your experience! I can empathize on so many levels.

[@lulumoon6942]

CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATION! What a MAJOR achievement! 🎉👍🎓 And for me, I feel like so much avoidance has been misguided self soothing behavior like a muscle getting overworked and too much dopamine reward, AND self denial based on internalized critical voices of others, real or my interpretation. It has been easier to believe the worst, because then you're not let down, right? Anyway, when and where possible, partnering with well regulated and positive people who are pro-social, hold you accountable, and especially in the beginning are engaged with things your ENJOY, but make you a little uncomfortable (good kind, we need this), can model healthy living in a way that's hard to generate on our own. And it's better to have few "friends" if all they do is make you feel bad, use that energy on yourself! I'm proud of anyone reading this who's just getting through the day until tomorrow. Good things ARE possible! 😍

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

👏👏👏

[@krissad2145]

Hey! I'm really happy I managed to find your video. I've not been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, though I was diagnosed with social anxiety around 3,5 years ago. I've been doing therapy since then and I got much better, but something still doesn't feel right. At this point it seems I've done all possible work concerning social anxiety, but there's something deeper going on. It's always been hard for me to truly connect with people. I have a few close friends and family, but there are just times i don't want to see anyone at all. It might sound okay at first, like, it's okay to want to spend time on your own. But... It's just that with most people I've always tried to keep relationships superficial and not deep probably to avoid the possibility of getting hurt. I'm sorry I've poured it all out here, it just seems sometimes like there's something inherently wrong with me. Thank you for posting this video again! It did help a bit knowing that I'm not alone in this ❤

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I love when people pour their heart out in my comments. 🥹 I want it to be a safe space to do that, because it is **brutal** out here. I’m glad you’ve been working on your social anxiety, but if it’s potentially AvPD, then working on your confidence and self-esteem might be the missing link. There’s also a lot of evidence that all of these personality disorders, AvPD included, are rooted in “complex” PTSD - so treating it like that might be helpful as well. ❤️‍🩹 I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but happy to let you know that you absolutely are not alone in your struggle. ❤️

[@krissad2145]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Thanks a lot for taking your time to reply to my comment. I truly appreciate it! And also, I wanted to ask - I saw the Discord link in the caption. Do you do some sort of catch-ups there?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

The discord is pretty informal for now - we have a running chat where we just talk about random stuff, and then different channels for venting about different specific topics, sharing progress, and sharing other resources that might be helpful. I’d love for you to check it out - not everyone that’s in there actively participates either, which is also fine. It might at least be nice to read what other people are struggling with or having success in. 😊 I’m always blabbing in there. 😅❤️

[@darias8573]

I wish you would post everyday.... your insights are amazing! 😊

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you so much 😭

[@travashady]

I think that life is inherently a bad thing, and that the simple fact of being alive is a nightmare in itself. There are no "good lives", because even the best ones contain certainly more pain than pleasure, and the fact that being alive is a good thing is just an illusion created by our brain to justify our own existence and avoid seeing that life is a horror show where we are just actors moved by chaos in an ocean of suffering and despair. If everyone could see life as it really is - a meaningless curse - nobody would be thinking about giving birth to children and by doing so impose more suffering, and would also understand that there are only two things one could do that would make sense: or living as a person who knows all these things and therefore might go crazy, or having the courage to end this sad show once and for all. Maybe I’m depressed, but that’s the way I see life. However, I have to tell you that I relate to your videos a lot.

[@lokestrange]

I get it. I've wanted to go to concerts with old friends, but couldn't actually do it, went into anxious shut down mode and ghosted those friends without a word. Now we don't speak at all. Looking back, this was a mix of AuDHD and what is most likely AVPD. Like, I want to record and upload videos about my experiences, but the mere idea is horrifying. Being seen is mind-bendingly scary, whether it goes well or not. But the depression of perpetual aloneness is agonizing despite its familiarity.

[@scorpionaddiction2801]

I have a friend going through this, I know theres not much I can say to him to make it any easier, or do considering he lives very far away. He did tell me he’s looking into going back to school and looking at courses so I hope that goes well for him and he meets someone.

[@Ali-20244]

Hello pretty face , brave heart . I'm totally related to this we are in same boat so I can feel what mean . Actually I don't think that I'm in position which I could give advice to anyone but I would like to say that you gave me very huge push to start think about all my life again many thanks. As AVPD person I must admit that what you're doing is very brave to share your experience and ideas that effect in others who related to same problem while we avoid to even write a comment on social media so please keep on you making difference in others lives like me thanks again and excuse my language I'm following you from other side of the world ( middle east). Best wishes

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Your English is great, thank you so much for the kind words 🥹❤️‍🩹

[@obadaabdullah]

love your content , i am sharing my experience with Avpd also , thank you

[@chloepeters9291]

I've come across your channel recently and really relate to what you're saying. I'm not diagnosed with AVPD but it's always resonated with me. It's the fear that there's something intrinsically wrong with me that other people will just know, that stops me connecting with people. Then you're just lonely, depressed, what's the point of going on with all the pain? I am in a really bad place at the moment, but I do want to get better! Even writing a comment onliine fills me with anxiety aboout being judged, so thanks yoou for the inspiration.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

🫂❤️‍🩹 Thank you for sharing. Consider joining the Discord for support 😊 There’s no need to worry about being judged there because every single person in there gets it completely and struggles with the same feelings. It’s really becoming the foundation for my healing. ❤️

[@SholvaBeats]

Very recognizable about the art. I make pencil portraits of people and animals. Somehow people really like it and i get a lot of requests. They even want to pay me for it, but that only makes the feeling worse and they get ghosted real quick 😆

[@simplypositiveme]

I'm really isolating.. It's so bad. I HATE IT.

[@sacredheart7965]

My childhood.... lived with mum and brother who was 9 years older. There was an extremely strained relationship between them that would regularly lead to them not talking for several days. Those days were very quiet and tense, and there was barely anything said other than the essentials. I lived this for around 2 decades. Their rifts made me feel very stressed and depressed and i would remain that way until they reconciled. My peace of mind depended on the dynamics between them! Does this sound like it could be the cause of my AVPD? I was also bullied by someone from a criminal family - i felt totally powerless as there could have been severe consequences if i stood up to the bully. I remained mostly housebound for around 1 year due to the bullying. So much good stuff! 😂

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Aww man, that does sound stressful. 😞 I think that likely counts as emotional abuse or neglect of a child… just feeling uneasy all the time as a child is traumatic for a little one. The bullying definitely takes a toll on our self esteem. ❤️‍🩹

[@CajunCraft24]

So glad I found this channel

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Me too ☺️

[@Codreanu_Prezent]

I've been isolated since childhood. I don't know what it's like to have a friend... Honestly, I don't care anymore. I accept the coming cruel ending to my misfortunate fate that awaits me. I just want to rest; a hope that God takes my soul and blots me from all history. What a sorrow it is to know I exist. Yet I fight on... aimless but with the fires of the Orthodox Christian Faith guiding me. With the hope that all this suffering was not in vain. But even with this faith, which has settled for once the bitter existential dread of nihilism in relation to the human existence, the existential poison has now shifted. Faith has vanquished nihilism of humanity's meta-purpose, but not of my self, not on an individual level, not of my own humanity, for I am hollow. Reflected this terror is so terribly in the question that haunts me: "Why do I still live?" Yes... so close to God I am... yet evermore so distant from the bonds of fellowships of humanity. "Man is not meant to be alone" it is written.

[@peterbruns6124]

Hey, I appreciate you posting this. I've tried looking for vids and interviews with male avoidants who have co-mormid depression, but I don't see very many here on YT at all. I have ASPD with major moderate depression and so it's interesting to see how the depression part affects those of us with PDs. Or should I say the opposite... how the PD affects the depression. I also have the nihilism you do, but for me it comes and goes. I managed to get a science degree (b.s.), and I could use it if I wanted to, but I don't give a **** about it enough to go through the hassle of applying for jobs, sitting through a bs interview, etc. The thing I don't understand of course is the perceived weaknesses you guys have, and whether anyone can see them or cares about them. Not criticizing you or profiling you at all... I mean I have to deal with the stereotyping myself sometimes and it gets really old when people take the default assumption I'm going to break into their car or steal their socks or something. Like I'm destitute and need to do that, and why would I need their crappy crap anyway? Anyway if I may offer something to help you shrug off what people think about you or what you'll do in situation x, here it is for what it may hopefully be worth: Many if most people are stupid, even if they're well meaning. Unless you have something totally obvious like a speech impediment or mental handicap like retardation, most people can't see the weaknesses you do have on a daily basis. Partners and school mates of course are different, but I mean the gen. public. They're too busy worrying about their own bs and short schedules and getting home to feed the kids and the dog. And if they do notice you're "off" or awkward, worst they do is look at you funny but don't care anyway, b/c they'll be back to worrying about washing the salad forks as soon as they get back in their car and pull out of Walmart pickup. Or they'll have something common to share with you and want to start talking your damn ear off, which is of course what avoidants (and aspds for that matter) don't like very much. As for the people in your "circle", if you have one... you learn that NTs can have some serious things wrong with them as well. If they're willing to give you trust since you might see their flaws, then most people will do the same for you. Anyway thanks for posting.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I very much appreciate the thought out response and words of encouragement. ❤️ It’s definitely all true.

[@rosieposey2525]

Solid advice Thought provoking Well spoken It will help others Thanks 🙏

[@joons3374]

Today I woke up and I hate everything... I have no clue how to get out of this rut... I feel like isolating myself but that makes me feel even worse.... ai have no clue what to do.. even if I did I'd probably not.. anything I tried hadn't helped....

[@electricfishfan7159]

Hey, the house on the rock! I just went there for the first time and I have a fridge magnet of the viewing platform. AvPD artist to artist recognition.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I was hoping I’d eventually connect with someone over that 😅 I’m from Wisconsin and it’s my favorite place ever, a real life fever dream hahahahah

[@Bronte866]

In a little community we would’ve got the framing thing sorted out & made sure your work was being seen in this venue you mentioned. I would’ve been hosting the graduation party because graduating from college is nothing short of huge. My invitations state “ Gifts pretty much expected even if they’re small because we’re showing respect for our friend’s major accomplishment.” This trend of “No gifts, please,” is preposterous nonsense. I would prob be the sort of Jackie Kennedy of this community. I am actually aware of at least 2 “communities” that have been formed by people who are just normal really but see the value in providing a measure of support that got ripped off from us due to inept parenting. (I do feel strongly about that) So I know of about 3 groups where people have committed to either living close to each other in a somewhat convenient or at least agreed upon location. Not any sort of cult bs as I wouldn’t be down with that but I think people know what I’m talking about. Another group who share these values have formed a community in London (a city where I lived for nearly 10 yrs) and in that case they’ve managed to chip in on some sort of large living space (a loft or something, I’m not sure) but it makes the cost of living in a city like London ridiculously cheap. So you at least have something reliable going for Christmas and Thanksgiving or Yom Kippur or whatever you’re into. There aren’t any rules, per se, except you can’t be an ah, that sort of thing. Nobody is sitting at the kid’s table on their own birthday, if you will. If you can get say 4 people to get on board it seems to organically expand. To me it just looks like a group of people who agree to a commitment of normal friendship. Some of you may be aware of the person who sort of is at the center of this idea. I’m just mentioning this because you sort of did and it’s something that impressed me to be honest and has made a lot of sense to me since I heard about it. Maybe you’re more referring to a Zoom thing, not sure, but I’m seeing these people going all in, so to speak. You showed up in my feed today so I decided to hear what was up with you and I can assure you that living in sweat pants is merely a natural consequence of not feeling at the top of one’s game. My dogs don’t care what I’m wearing or how often I wear it and they love me just the same and there’s no better love than that anyplace as far as I’m concerned.

[@hadeseye2297]

Isolation brings strenght. You just need to look for it. The trick is to REFORGE what you already have, into thing you want to have. Many people think that philospher's stone is a matter with which literal lead can be turned into literal gold. On the contrary. Part of the alchemy teaches about it, but there is a catch not everybony - laymans - know about. The Philosopher's Stone is a paradigm (a method, shift in your way of thinking) with which you turn your Currents Self - lead - into Better Self - gold. Check Søren Kierkegaard and Carl Gustav Jung. The Forge and Philosopher's Stone is within you.

[@justletmesigninokthx]

i liked that cyanotype technique, looked a bit messy / hassle tho

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

It definitely is, but the process is my favorite part and scratches an itch that digital photography alone can’t scratch for me ☺️

[@lemon-yi6yh]

I feel we are alike. You are very cute, I wish I could hug you.

[@IHaveNoLife-nc8wj]

I'm in my 40s and never really had a lot of friends. I decided last year that I'm done with people and gave up on trying to make friends. I'm happier being alone now with no friends (not like people are lining up to be my pal).

[@Codreanu_Prezent]

Find a music club you might enjoy. Jazz or something.

[@NyteRazor]

🦋🫶