Best HFY Reddit Stories: Why Humans Run The Federation

INSANE!
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[@NovaGirl8]

I feel like the alien wants to hit his fellow ambassador with a newspaper while yelling Nooo!

[@alexfranz817]

*Grabs spray bottle* *Spritz spritz spritz* No, bad human.

[@zanwanted2792]

@@alexfranz817 FFFFF, you cut me to it x,D

[@peterwalls-qf7ii]

*NovaGirl8* More like .. he wants to dive in black hole and pull it in behind him, but he knows the crazy apes will find a way to open it back, just to fuck with him. Poor Glo!

[@lupaswolfshead9971]

Gary hitting the scientist on the nose whilst saying BAD HUMAN

[@DSilverio]

@@alexfranz817 Do you blame him we pulled some waynes world shit and cloned a moon XD

[@DeHerg]

But but we made that really cool gatling accelerator, that propells solid slugs into FTL without taking the engine with it. Come oooon, it's gonna be so cool, pretty pleaaase.

[@wertygamer3687]

...well, that's probably a war crime in the making

[@Iskelderon]

Finally a race that gets us! We're batshit crazy in a way that makes Wyle E Coyote seem mentally stable.

[@NeSeeger]

Who do you think supplied him?

[@jonathanblair5920]

@@NeSeeger To be honest, when I was younger, I had a thought that the road runner was secretly selling him all those gadgets xD

[@DSilverio]

i mean we got a spare mooon out of it XD

[@Lupus_Indomitus]

@@DSilverio and some spare ftl engnes to boot.

[@DSilverio]

@Lupus_Indomitus I say we duplicates them again xD

[@satibel]

Is there an appropriate prayer for the humans? -may god protect and keep the humans far away from us.

[@masterblasterT47]

This isn't the place where I expected to find a fiddler on the roof reference!

[@neroham93]

Just imagine going to war with us

[@justinswinehart5361]

This has such strong vides of a tumblr thread where a Klingon asks a Vulcan why the Humans run the Federation. Humans are Doc Brown!!! Awesome!

[@mill2712]

Link that thread if you can.

[@noppornwongrassamee8941]

And the Federation is the most advanced polity in the Alpha Quadrant precisely because humans like to poke shit. Federation scientists tend to walk away with a lot of useful data after all the shouting and havoc has died down.

[@DSilverio]

Just a man in a white van "hey kid... want a moon?"

[@albernard8751]

No Humans are Dr. Bright. To the SCP guys seeing this you know exactly what I mean. *Chainsaw noises intensify* *sounds of Dr. Clef rapidly reloading his shotgun in terror intensify*

[@djbbdoedubstep]

Ah yes, humans. The definition of "were going to do stupid shit and theres not a damn thing you can do to stop us"

[@Ranulfdatank]

Hold-my-beer personified ^^

[@DSilverio]

+1 moon printed

[@nickkozak4763]

and then learn to not do it again.

[@bogustoast22none25]

Alien: we are smarter, faster, and stronger in every way. Human: Your intellect can’t outsmart my stupidity, your speed isn’t fast enough to stop my next move on time, and your strength is irrelevant to stop my moon clone spam attack. Alien: Your moon clo- Human: MOON CLONE SPAM ATTACK!!! HIT IT JENKINS!

[@howardchambers9679]

Blokes are running the federation. Finally we can do stupid shit!

[@alexanderjosefsson4729]

Almost like the one with a alien that trys to learn how to joke and tells his captain that the human is borde and he calls the secerity teams on the human

[@DjanniKuzo]

*bored👍

[@lucadorazio9567]

What is the name of this story

[@bogustoast22none25]

“They run the federation because we want to put on them SOME sense of responsibility and loyalty. Would you rather have them create black holes as a minor member, where they are looked down on, or as the leaders, where you can reprimand them.”

[@DSilverio]

Dont forget casually clonging celestial bodies

[@Maeshalanadae]

“No! Bad humans! No more FTL for you!”

[@DSilverio]

+1 moon

[@Boopboob]

​@@DSilverioaverage Humanity W

[@thecraftycreeper3167]

But but we only want to clone a plannet Please? 🥺

[@geoshark12]

Interesting thought , they didn’t clone the moon only pulled the distance future version to the present

[@ashenwanderer3592]

Hey, whats that story about Humans fighting Bugs and Breaking earth in two. Aliens find survivors. Survivors are "Offered whole systems in the oldest of Domains" or something. Survivors ask for ships, and are looking for an 'Ark'

[@redeye3869]

I think it was called “the last humans” or “the last terrans” or something like that.

[@PartytimeYOLO]

"hey, we need another FTL drive, and i know one easy way to do it. since we dont need another moon, we can just hurl it into the black hole."

[@BreadGuy01]

Yeah, that sounds about right.

[@mikkelnpetersen]

"We're humanity and this is JACKASS"

[@Alamandorious]

So this is what it would be like if Axe ran a human Federation…

[@henkkaj73]

Oh yes, a beautiful example of a "Humans are Space Orcs" story. Thumbs up!

[@lunaphoenix1785]

... yeah... sounds about right...

[@alganhar1]

No, it sounds totally wrong.

[@alexfranz817]

I feel like this took inspiration from the Star Trek thread that Has a cling on asking a Vulcan about why they let the humans run things

[@DjanniKuzo]

*klingon👍

[@alexfranz817]

@@DjanniKuzo speech to text

[@DjanniKuzo]

@@alexfranz817 oh cool🙂

[@norneaernourn8240]

Once upon a time, "sensible" people warned that rapidly accelerating to roughly 50 km/h from a standstill, on the steam engine, would turn our insides out. Didn't happen and we made faster ones. And then later, "sensible" people also warned about nuclear fission runaway reaction, turning our entire atmosphere into a giant fission bomb. We detonated nuclear devices anyway and made reactors to generate power. Later still, "sensible" people warned about accelerating atomic particles to near light speed and letting them slam together could create a singularity that consume the entire planet. The Hadron Collider is still up and running, and we now know more about exotic particles. If we get some new toy to play with, I can see us doing something "sensible" people would deem insane.

[@Heidao623]

Which is scarier The armored beetle or the monkey playing with FTL

[@DSilverio]

depends how stoned i am though +1 moon type shinanigans sounds fun XD

[@peterwalls-qf7ii]

Tf ? He expected what? to use their FTL drives without testing them? Yeah no! Not happening!

[@solitair601]

5:30 crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. The rats made me crazy.

[@standard-carrier-wo-chan]

Better be allies of the crazy than the enemies of crazy

[@oblivion715]

That tracks.

[@marxel4444]

"Can we have FTL?" "To conduct science experiment?" "yee" *gives FTL* *CREATES BLACK LIKE LIKE A BOSS*

[@artybrandt]

"Ok so sending the ship through the planet at FTL speeds created a black hole...now what happens if we run that same test again, but instead of another planet, we simply use our new black hole?"

[@noahbawdy3395]

OMG, these stories are always great ! :D

[@JohnTheRaeder-xf5sh]

I can hear the fear from that "NOOOOOO-"

[@mgerlicki]

I audibly laughed loudly at this one. Too bad this seems like a one-off.

[@Attaxalotl]

"Hi, We're humanity and welcome to Jackass!"

[@tonyaerrion7211]

Fourth because it matters somehow

[@Burneth_]

xD

[@douglascunningham6319]

What do you mean no? Most of the trouble we get into is because we are unsupervised.

[@thelaughinghyenas8465]

First! Thank you very much for your narrations.

[@Marko-uq2rh]

Nah bro you’re second

[@jrk22233]

Third because it matters i think

[@bobdrooples]

Just as bad as sloppy seconds but it's not like you're number 50 in the queue and even the fluffer has wrist cramp and jaw ache.

[@jdtheone]

Batshit crazy? Absolutely accurate description of what humans truly are

[@MizuMing]

lol!

[@KyrstOak]

(The very beginning.) That says "ow" not "oh".

[@tonyneal910]

😂😂❤👍

[@rat_king-]

moon 6 cloned to moon 9.... Nice.

[@DSilverio]

Stoner scientist cloned a fucking moon type shit XD

[@redeye3869]

First

[@bradwolf07]

I think the Alien summed up Humanity rather nicely for that other alien.

[@joelhicks5468]

I have to admit, I don't really like this one. The writing quality isn't good, and the events of the story just don't really feel compelling to me. Humans cloning a moon should absolutely be startled, and any scientist with access to experimental technology is not about to improvise a ship and fly it through a planet. Nothing is being tested there. They're just breaking things, and that's not a story. Nobody would join a federation like this - they'd cut contact and stay as far away as possible. This isn't the first story I've seen like this, either. There's a whole subgenre of humans not taking things seriously and just laughing at incredibly profound/serious/destructive things are. To me, that is just not good storytelling.

[@jonathanblair5920]

Seems pretty realistic to me. Not seeming to take things seriously or laughing at a situation is a coping mechanism that many use to get over extreme stressors while they take the time to process things. Also, in this story, we're only hearing about the reactions of whoever was trying to explain what happened, not necessarily the reactions of those doing the test. They were likely some form of ambassador or PR representative. If I had to talk to some alien species about a crazy experiment that I had no way to understand the concept or consequences of, I would probably just laugh it off as well. What's done is done. All that's left to do is give the nerds time to study the results and work from there.

[@alganhar1]

@@jonathanblair5920 Except the entire human race is not batshit crazy. Most of us do in fact have a grasp that certain things are profound/serious or destructive. If we did not the very idea of deterrence LITERALLY WOULD NOT WORK. Deterrence to avoid being invaded is not anew thing in human history. Mutually Assured Destruction is relatively new, but even as far back as Ancient Greece (and probably before that) sayings such as 'those who wish peace must be prepared for war' existed. A species as batshit crazy as this story paints humans to be simply WOULD NOT CARE. No deterrence INCLUDING nuclear deterrence would work. Yet it does. Ergo we are not as batshit insane as this author tries to claim. There is a HELL of a difference between the use of humour as a coping mechanism and ignoring the dangers of something that has the potential to wipe out your entire fucking species. I have a dim view of the average human, especially of the average politician, but the fact is the vast majority of us are not in fact that stupid.

[@nickkozak4763]

“nice” is a pretty damn good reaction to something that happened.