Why fake peace is worse than good conflict | Priya Parker

[@Apeiron242]

You're not just avoiding conflict ; you're avoiding resolution.

[@onlypearls4651]

💯%

[@bogusmcbogus2637]

You summed up what she was yackity yaking about for 5 minutes in one comment. Thank you.

[@ansfida6624]

tl;dr

[@asankajayaweera7212]

Actually I was fed up with conflicts that occurred in my family when I was a kid. So years and years I have trained myself to avoid any possible conflict.

[@asankajayaweera7212]

@scuffed math it's really great when you realise you are living in a conflict-free environment.

[@MyNameThe1st]

But does that not make you (and those around you) suppress and deny your authentic feelings and needs? How do you deal with the conflict that might still exist inside but since its avoided gets to continue to grow? How do you avoid that to happen? Are you able to be so stoic that in a way you dont care? I am sincerely asking, as I truly cannot understand how anyone can live healthily by avoiding all conflict. For me its a trigger to self hate, low self esteem, festering resentment and migraines. 😅 so how do you do it?

[@asankajayaweera7212]

@@MyNameThe1st When you feel a conflict escalates then you can avoid them by skipping the situation and those people. Especially I mostly do this theory over family crisis.

[@MyNameThe1st]

@@asankajayaweera7212 🤔 thank you for your answer. It's given me some food for thought. In short, I don't think your strategy works for me. I used to be non-confrontational, but I think I've learned a different strategy that is more in line with my authentic self. Even if I dislike the drama, I can't just walk away, as it will eat on me indefinitely, I can't let go. If you can however, its a surefire way to keep the peace for you

[@onlypearls4651]

@@MyNameThe1st I'm inclined to agree with your approach. Shoving necessary confrontation down into the shadow is a good way to make the matter build, and grow more ominous, leading to greater conflict in the future when the matter inevitably resurfaces with greater ferocity. I -cannot- *will not* leave needed conversations in the dark.

[@AscendantPhilosophy]

Always staying quiet is an unhealthy coping mechanism. You think you are saving yourself from a fight when you’re really just sacrificing your own contentment for fake peace. Consider it from the perspective of a rude friend: You don’t want to bring up their rude behavior because you don’t want to cause a fight. In return, you will have to endure more of their rudeness. Sometimes, you pay a price for being quiet.

[@WouldUKindly47]

I think a big part of the issue is that for many people, conflict = violence. In my house trying to bring up anything to my unstable sister resulted in explosive arguments no matter how diplomatic I tried to be and I was routinely threatened with death and all sorts of other things. Some people just don't like having dialogues and want their way no matter what.

[@hwway4488]

I definitely agree that things should be discussed out in the open with the parties that are affected.

[@andrewgagne5063]

I'm with you there, man.

[@jamesrichie3188]

Not everything is for public consumption. Watch your self.

[@hwway4488]

@@jamesrichie3188 I said all the parties affected

[@jamesrichie3188]

@@hwway4488 I’m sorry, but by ”out in the open” you mean in public right?

[@kristinmeyer489]

I grew up in a family where if I had an issue and tried to bring it up, I was mowed down and told I was wrong, or I was deliberately ignored. My mother would quite LITERALLY tell anyone else around to see me pouting to just ignore me.

[@HappyG1lm0re]

How often does engaging in conflicting conversation have a detrimental outcome rather than positive one? That's the real question.

[@charlietsai1177]

Yeah, I can feel you, man. So, the 'facilitated conflict' is what she's talking about here, you really need someone or even everyone involved that are emotionally educated/trained to guide the direction of a conflict towards compromises or resolution. If you just throw random people into talking about their conflicts, it's just going to destroy relationships.

[@brianmoren3780]

As far as I know, it seems like couples who don't argue have more chances of breaking up, though couples who fight too much are as well. So fighting about important issues and being honest would be a healthy choice. If you fight the fight in the moment and from love, you're avoiding a thousand inevitable and bitter fights, which is of course what often happens.

[@deborahlincoln-strange622]

I wonder that also. Many times in my family of origin, when I brought up something that bothered me it ended up being worse so I avoided conflict at all costs.

[@ironicinorironic.]

I am avoiding conflict within ownself

[@jtgd]

“I’m angry with myself!”

[@qualityguacamole9142]

The cognitive dissonance you hold as a result is just ‘mwah’ *chef’s kiss* 🧑‍🍳

[@hwway4488]

Judging by the amount of likes, BI viewers appear to be skewed towards the introvert to hikikomori spectrum 😄

[@M3l_0N666]

​@@hwway4488 i dont think you understand the difference between those two. Extroverts are more known for avoiding self reflection while introverts spend much of their lives doing just that. And the shut in is just a whole other ball game i wont go into.

[@M3l_0N666]

​@@qualityguacamole9142 I honestly dont see where you got that unless you added in your own notions to that very vague statement.

[@solitarysurreal3652]

I grew up with a few family members who avoided conflict like the plague. Instead of being direct or just getting things done, they would appease, tell my narcissistic grandmother what she wanted to hear at the time, then often go about a job the most ridiculous, roundabout way possible just to avoid upsetting my grandmother. My grandmother could literally say anything to me - and often did - and those family members would not only nod along and echo her words, they would tell me to be grateful for the insults and putdowns afterwards. From these experiences - and from watching a few people with similar behaviours in my job - I have found "conflict avoidance" to be synonymous with "cowardly" and "two-faced". Because instead of being honest and direct, conflict avoiders agree with words, but act against you behind your back. They will be your best friend one minute - then turn around and bag you out the next. Conflict avoiders only ever act to protect themselves, then further their own interests regardless of any promises made. As hard as it often can be in the moment, being direct and honest really is the best way to be. I figured this out in my mid 20s - and will continue striving to be this way for the rest of my life. If you can't cut a conflict avoider out completely, limit their involvement in your life. Life's too short to worry about who you can and can't trust.

[@wongguanghui9202]

Thanks for sharing on the topic of conflict. This topic of conflict has been somewhat very confusing for me, as this topic is not being talked about often. The word 'conflict' itself does not have a good connotation. When you replace the term with 'heat', it most certainly sounded much smoother.

[@leostabauer5930]

I have the feeling that all of your videos have a really intelligent and meaningful message. However often the videos are not getting as much in detail as they should if you want to understand the most of the times complex systems you are discussing/ explaining. I assume this is because of the fastening pace of our modern life and nobody want to consume long detailed information but I believe it would be necessary in your most topics. If you really want to understand them.

[@therivernile.]

They have long form videos with detailed explanations on their main website. The videos here are like highlights or ads for their main contents.

[@rafeorr7855]

I imagine it’s difficult to give “in-depth” information in a 10 minute video. The whole point of these videos is to invite you to explore other ideas.

[@NoHandleToSpeakOf]

Dealing with conflict-seeking individuals is the most valuable skill I got at one of my previous jobs. Not that I am excellent at it. And I consider myself a conflict avoider and resolution mediator. It was quite hard for me at firsts. Something that warrants a Big Think video about I think.

[@catalindeluxus8545]

Seeing conflict as heat really clarified it for me. I was already doing a form of that, albeit probdbly not to the extent of the expert Pryia Parker

[@ramirenriquez6795]

The other side of the coin to getting to a resolution or at least having a chance to discuss something is knowing the other person's readiness to engage in a mature, understanding, open, dialogue. Not knowing when to talk is a sign that the conversation may not become fruitful in the end.

[@mrpearson1230]

I grew up understanding that sometimes it's better to just "leave well enough alone". Approaching conflict however small you percieve it to be can make you feel happy you approached it and sometimes it can backfire. Eveb bringing in professionals can make things worse. Most people i know not only deny obvious problems that need to be addressed but they also definitely don't want some stranger in their business. Works for some, definitely not all!

[@MiseryRex]

Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken

[@Melonrevenge77]

Lol the sith tenants of Star Wars?

[@STOICZZZ]

​@@Melonrevenge77 lol yup, except missing the last little bit: "The Force shall free me."

[@Sllee93]

I keep getting disappointed with these clickbait videos that doesn’t give me any answers but just puts everything I know into eloquent words. That’s about it.

[@nicollokhumalo2826]

Amazing talk. Need more information.

[@onlypearls4651]

Healthy conflict leads to healthy resolutions, whereas, avoidance leads to festering and more conflict.

[@zyntkalla6761]

And if there is more then one person. And they choose sides. That just makes it much worse off.

[@onlypearls4651]

@@zyntkalla6761 You're right about that, but that wouldn't qualify as "healthy" conflict 😉

[@angryface01]

Yes. As evidenced by the presence of this video in my “Watch Later” playlist for months without actually watching it. I’ll get to it. I hate conflict. Everyone turns into a lawyer from Boston Legal and spins everything I say to benefit their own argument. No one listens TO ME. So yes, avoiding conflict. Although it’s bad… in my opinion, I have to care about you and your feelings to care about your opinion. If you’re just trying to win the argument, you clearly don’t care about me. Why resolve issues with someone like this?

[@Posimistic]

Great perspective! Ive notices the most conflict / confrontation / crucial conversation abodiant arw those who are hyper feminine. Meaning thy embody only feminine energy, actions, and values. They could be avoding those important confrontations bevasue of fear of shaking the boat or collwctive conflict. They value the luxury of the current circumstances more than seeking the uncomfortable truth. The way to solve this is by implenmenting more masculinity.

[@opokuabraham257]

Good and very informative presentation

[@purpur7187]

Those who provoke conflicts for the sake of conflict should be avoided.

[@tomlabooks3263]

Typically, the less empathetic a person is, the more comfortable with conflict.

[@M3l_0N666]

Ive found that just plain ignorance also does that. For instance Germans in Nazi Germany or current day Russians and their blind ignorance to growing Fascism in their country, while having the audacity to accuse Ukraine of being fascists.

[@davidbenji1]

My ex had ZERO empathy and she was very uncomfortable with conflict. I think someone who is empathetic would be more willing to engage in resolving issues so everyone can feel better.

[@ForAncientKingAndElvishLord]

Yes, I am actually, that's one of my biggest problems. As a 5' 2" person, I'm not confident enough to cause conflict lol

[@HershD]

I feel I got smarter after watching this

[@soliterymind]

This is moment when you use confrontation to create a bridge instead of division. it a battle for unity. i always knew difference between healthy and unhealthy forms of fighting. it is the two types of war for peace or choas. not many want the war of peace.

[@anthonymason4999]

This is so TRU Thank you so much

[@matthewcormier8744]

Listening observing learning

[@catbiscuit6107]

I learnt a lot. Thank you

[@JiMo711]

I am a person who can't kive with fake peace or continuous delayed conflicts. I can say i am a Martian's person who'd always finish any held up conflicts and find a way out to healthy peace of mind rather than living in any fake situation that will always give me unsettled and unsecured life.

[@blackmber]

Is it just me, or is it hard to figure out what she means when using words like “heat” and “relevance” outside their normal context? Maybe this video needs to include more explanation so we can get used to that language.

[@alimmaqsa]

this topic makes plenty of sense 👍

[@edgarmorales4476]

People use their minds recklessly, blighting their lives and the lives of other people with their thoughts and words arising from the Ego (the guardian of individuality). For it is only your thought life and emotional upheavals which end in quarrels and mayhem - not your face, body, hands and legs unless the quarrels end in physical abuse. But even bodily conflict has its origins in the frustration of the Ego (the guardian of individuality) within mind and emotions, and conveyed to the limbs to vent the uncontrollable wrath. In this way, marriages - and friendships - begin in mutual joy and eventually end in misery and mutual rejection - because people find it impossible to channel the Ego (the guardian of individuality) into life and love-preserving modes of self-expression. Parents and children express mutual love until the teen years, then hatred enters the scene and sours the relationship when children rebel against authority and parents react with self-righteous abuse. Again! There is no need for such conflict. Parents must surely realize that every generation fights to find its feet in the adult world and do things more innovatively than did their elders? How can young people thrive if restricted or prevented from free action or expression? When children become young adults, this is "growing time" for parents, who must now prepare for the next stage of their life - the more inspired use of their latent talents, then old age, acceptance of their past follies and mistakes, and, at last, a peaceful transition into eternal Light. Why quarrel? Why fight? People wholly controlled by the Ego (the guardian of individuality) let fly and hammer away for their "rights." (Spiritually) mature people solve problems by discussing them empathetically. What does this mean in human terms? It means - listening to the other person with the spoken or silent acknowledgement that the way the other person felt/feels in a certain situation is as valid and worthy of respect as were/are your feelings. When overtaken by a serious confrontation in which neither of you are prepared to yield an iota of ground, go away on your own and take time to realize that what you are engaged in is a "battle of consciousness." The battle is not enjoined only as a result of what was actually done and said in a moment of extreme heat - what really took place was the upshot of what you both are - in consciousness. This involves your backgrounds. The conflict springs from the personality itself, the type of Ego a person possesses, the basic perceptions of right and wrong, the normal attitudes each have towards other people and life generally. Therefore, when you have conflict or confrontation, tell your opponent you are taking time off to stand still and quieten your mind to be able to listen more helpfully. Then - be very wise. Call on Universal Consciousness for an intervention of Loving Consciousness into the situation. Try to realize - and visualize - that both of you stand in the Light of Universal Consciousness, equal in soul origins, equal in destiny - equally real, equally human, equally unique. Until you can fully immerse yourself in this realization - this state of mind - you are not yet ready to stand in the Universal Light to lovingly sort out your conflict and hurt feelings.

[@FrannaBanana]

I believe there is nuance & perhaps a place for both? Regarding the comparison of the ads, I think it cannot be either or... Maybe if policing only consists of petty crime or border collies stealing handbags... But will those recruits "who previously never considered becoming cops" be able to do the things that are necessary when real evil / chaos faces them?? We definitely need those who care about the community. But don't we also need those who will actually be able to protect the community against the worst threats imaginable? Prepare for the worst but hope for the best I suppose... I would like to hear more about this...

[@mandiemoore3272]

I tell people all the time conflict-free humanity is our own unicorn

[@SitiveniIowane]

Fruitful and feastful I'm from Fiji 🇫🇯 you are blessed 🎉I love you GB ❤

[@payno20]

Mate, they will make up any old job now. “I am a conflict resolution facilitator” “I am a conflicting conflict resolution facilitator” “I am conflicted conflicting conflict resolution facilitator” “I am a resolution facilitator for the conflicted conflicting conflict resolution facilitator” “I am the facilitator for the resolution facilitator who is facilitating the resolution for the conflicted conflicting conflict resolution facilitator”

[@zanryoshin]

I personally think that the video is too oversimplified: conflict is necessary to make things better, but when you are having a conflict with a person that doesn't want to solve it, you can do whatever you want, that you are not gonna solve anything. This tends to happen specially at work, since people doesn't have any bond or connection with you, they don't really care about your thoughts and desires. The moments that you share with them are momentaneous, so ''fixing'' the environment tends to be perceived as unnecessary. I wish everything was so simple as talking things down, quiet and politely, but everyone that has been working knows that does not occur at all

[@kasondaleigh]

Interesting job. 👍👍

[@EscapeTheHold]

How do you resolve conflict with a Narcissist coparent that has Borderline Personality Disorder?

[@justinr2564]

I’m here for the same reason.

[@Melonrevenge77]

Leave them to their own devices, don’t make them your problem, take care of yourself and the kid/s If they’re causing serious problems for the kids, report it to the appropriate authorities

[@seapeajones]

LMAO none of this works if you're the only rational party. It's not magic. I'm not sure a BPD having narc has the basic apparatus for this. They prolly need counseling first.

[@EscapeTheHold]

@@justinr2564 Only just got back access to my 3 year old through the courts. It really is a nightmare.

[@justinr2564]

@@EscapeTheHold I wish so much that my ex could unfuck herself and get her life together.

[@peggyharris3815]

There's 'heat and then there's the 'volcanoes ', and they like being explosive.

[@MichelleCarithersAuthor]

good information

[@dumplingconnoisseur]

Practice peace, but understand you will not always be peaceful. You can have peace, and be peaceful without making it a regimen or something you’re obligated to feel or do.

[@user26344]

What about fake peace vs. bad conflict? Good conflict is obviously the better choice here. But what about bad conflict? I'm pretty good at starting bad conflict because fake peace makes me cringe. But it hasn't worked out too well for me

[@janklaas6885]

📍4:55

[@avival66]

Yo no diria que uno nesecita un conflicto para un cambio....mas bien uno tiene que afrontar un problema atravez del conflicto para resolver un problema

[@pasupathyram5792]

Need to find a way to balance between assertiveness and cooperation to find common ground.

[@M3l_0N666]

Easy, its called integrity.

[@mtmtmtmt]

TY.

[@diegoaceves8107]

What if I live always been this way ?

[@Leo-mr1qz]

I grew up with a huge pink elephant standing in the middle of the family room every single night. My mother's alcoholism tainted our family unit. You had to walk on eggshells around the fact that she was a drunk. A daily functioning alcoholic. All that mattered to her was getting her drink at 5pm. The rest of us were on the back burner. To this day, even at her ripe age of 73, she won't admit to herself or her loved ones that she is an alcoholic.

[@pokefriend13]

Sounds like a narcissist to me. You're best bet is to go no contact my friend. Edit: But forgive him, don't do it for him but do it for yourself. It will give you peace.

[@richardgray9284]

Sorry to hear that bro.

[@zanryoshin]

Sometimes goodbye is the only solution

[@ai172]

When my niece was on the fence before getting engaged, I asked her one question. "How do you both handle conflicts?" :)

[@hoavuong7199]

When you know a conflict is going nowhere, run.

[@ksh1692]

Yes I do, because of all cheap politics going around

[@betanzomelendezjuanpablo7339]

why when she says whether you're in law, 2:45-2:50. we see two women, sometimes we need conflict because sometimes things need to change. the means of comunication should stop really doing that, stop trying to influence , and, affect on people's decision making,stop teaching wrong things, and stop ruining everything,

[@1unsung971]

Are conflict seeking people rare? I avoid conflict through misanthropy. It seems to be working really well. People rarely ever change, so it's not worth the effort to try. Game over. Life goes on. We are just another species of animal after all. Opinions aren't facts; they're just a nuisance.

[@M3l_0N666]

I live in a 3rd world hostile country in Africa, with soaring corruption and crime. And i work as a private contractor, in law enforcement. And ive found that yes, people who seek conflict is rare, because dirt bags i handle are merely cowardly rats scrounging for a nible and run as soon as the cat shows up. Aka me. I get death treats, or get mouthed off too from afar. But when i walk up to them, they just kinda play the victim. But in Africa people are just dumb. Id think in the US you might find more who enjoy conflict because dysfunction is a big issue there. Those nutjobs really are screwy in the head. Ive seen people get chased with an axe for no reason in freakin Florida. In Africa that only happens in genocides or when mob justice is in effect and people hack the purp's hands off.

[@jamesrichie3188]

* generic unambiguous positive agreement *

[@jelaninoel]

Does anyone else think those things when they hear conflict? Cuz i dont. I think of trouble

[@resolecca]

how about the tythings be spent on what they are supposed to spent on, i.e the poor rather than a pool like wtaf???

[@tanaypandey1771]

Heat 1995 was a great film , just saying .

[@jfish032]

Take note. Canada 😒

[@larrysellers7891]

I avoid conflict, until I start biting ears off. 👄 🦷 👂🏾After that, people just don’t want to listen.

[@wwadley]

I don't feel the title matches the content...

[@tommytam100]

Since childhood my family used to avoid conflicts. Now its fkng destroyed. Hope this not happen to your family

[@battragon]

Oh, wow, I'm also a heat-seaking missile. (I'm not very popular.)

[@LeonardPC272]

Nope definitely bet my life

[@anshanshtiwari8898]

She is spider-man in one of the universes of the multiverse.

[@H4nkkeys]

5 minutes of actual worthy information avoidance.

[@United_Wings]

🤔

[@thescoobymike]

This channel is like 95% stock footage

[@ronnianabalos4627]

😮

[@handlemeifyoucan144]

Yo Priya looking like someone from the Matrix

[@johnleo1756]

I didn't really learn anything from this video. Pity.

[@harshiljani9499]

Not a helpful video, i cant understand what she is trying to convey

[@sanuthmenuka3949]

u r not talking about war right?

[@jotighe2]

another book promo

[@george6977]

Saying heat when you mean conflict is stupidity.

[@m2pozad]

Agreed! Everybody now thinks it's their turn to teach society new languages. (ever since blacks launched their counterculteral revolt from US cultural traditions, along with the civil rights movement.)

[@sugoinspice9952]

How so?

[@pyeitme508]

Use nukes ☢️😂🤣

[@c.f.3503]

Second

[@Megalepozy]

Seems like the speaker mostly want to advertise her services than to actually give something useful

[@bige2576]

bs

[@virioguidostipa5681]

Find a real job!

[@arnoldwilson5377]

Who is this "consultant", Big Think? Boring!

[@halhal-my4pt]

Big think is acting like BLM now. It's a shame.

[@UnitedStandUnitedStand]

Sancho looks soooo unfit... Embarrassing