Boundaries Vs Controlling | Healthy Boundaries

Are you really setting boundaries or are you controlling the other person? In this video, we explore boundaries vs. controlling behaviors. You'll discover the secret to setting healthy boundaries without giving ultimatums or any other type of controlling behavior. 👉To learn more about BOUNDARIES WITH AN ADDICTED LOVED ONE, watch this next: • SETTING BOUNDARIES wit...
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About Me:
Personal Experience:
I grew up in an addicted family. In fact, it would be way easier for me to tell you who wasn't addicted versus who was addicted. Seriously, I have absolutely no memories of my grandmother without a glass of vodka in her hand. My mother died due to her addiction to methamphetamines. I've had countless addicted step-parents, and my older sister has struggled with serious (life-destroying) addiction for as long as I can remember.
All that being said, I always felt I had a great and loving family. My sister and I spent every summer swimming in my grandmother's pool. (the grandmother who struggled with alcoholism). We called her Mimi, and she was great. My mom was attractive and very creative, not to mention lots of fun!
Growing up like this gives me a unique perspective on addiction. I can know that someone is struggling with addiction but still see their wonderful qualities.
Professional qualifications:
After graduating from counselor school in 2004, I worked in a private psychiatric hospital for 10 years. This facility provided acute care (short term) for serious mental health and Substance Use Disorders. I learned a LOT from my experience working in a psychiatric hospital.
I got to see and treat almost every type of mental health and addiction issue you can think of, but it felt like a revolving door. I'd see the same people come in over and over and their families were absolutely desperate for help.
Unfortunately, the system isn't set up to help families in general. Knowing what it's like to live with addiction, I was all the more frustrated.
All this led to me deciding to leave the hospital and start my own addiction treatment center, specializing in addicted family systems.
Over the years, I had developed lots of good relationships with other clinicians, and I knew who was the best! I put together a superstar team, and we now run out own outpatient addiction treatment practice called Hope For Families Recovery Center.
We've worked very hard not to tie ourselves to the "big system." We don't work for the insurance companies. We don't work for a hospital system, We don't answer to anyone except our clients, their families, and the licensing boards that provide us with our professional license. We have all Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)-(which is mental health counselors) and also Licensed Addiction Counselors (LAC).
We don't provide inpatient treatment, but we do partner with a phenomenal sober living facility called Greenville Transitions. They offer top-notch sober living care for young men in the early stages of recovery. www.greenville...
Our KZbin channel is our way of trying to help as many people as possible find the answers they need to beat addiction. We spend a ton of time and money, creating these resources and support that you find them valuable and will share them with anyone else you know who may need them. The educational library of addiction resources on our KZbin channel is completely free of charge and are readily available to any person or family who needs them. So please consider subscribing if you haven't already.
You can help us in our mission to get the right information to everyone who needs it by sharing these family recovery resources.
We know that not everyone can access our treatment services, but we do offer consultations and coaching sessions to individuals and families all over the country.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🔔More about BOUNDARIES:📌 kzbin.info/www/bejne/oaHFd5aMr7WHeLM

[@winonadavies3683]

Hmmm. Ours was "We don't like the chaos. No, you can't live here." And for 2 years now with our homeless addicted child we've just stuck to "No." We don't say "if you...you can come home." We just keep saying "No." And now they are in treatment.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It takes a lot of courage to hold the line so assertively. Good for you.

[@dh30628]

We are in the same process after years of the grown daughter living in and out of the home. We have to say 'no more.' We deserve the peaceful life we've earned. Besides our helping only results in keeping her back to square one. Somehow with family helping she's not digging through to the root of the drinking.

[@tinkershell1856]

My boundaries were zero because I grew up feeling boundaries = punishment. This is tremendously helpful! ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm really glad this was helpful to your Shelley!

[@M-xlz3]

I also struggle with setting boundaries. Mine have also been zero. It’s extremely frustrating living boundary less. You aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing this. We got this!!

[@carolinatravaglia]

I've been trying to deal with my mothers alcohol addiction, I told my parents that "If i see that nothing is changing, I will leave". I sounds like an ultimato, but I need to create my own boundaries and set me free from this situation. I'm doing my part and trying, helping her. But the reality is, she doens't really want to change... I can't stay trapped in this nightmare forever...

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Carol. It's completely okay to take care of yourself!

[@carolinatravaglia]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for replying :)

[@darcyturnbo4724]

Best of luck to you! I love seeing people take care of themselves. Partly because I constantly have to remind myself it’s important and more than ok to do it.

[@rocker76m88]

This showed up in my suggested videos while I was going through a rough time dealing with my daughter's addictions. Thank you for this

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome, Rocker76! I think you'll find lots of videos on this channel that are helpful in that situation. 😊

[@luanafeliberti6116]

Thank You for these videos! Dealing with my BF which he’s very sensitive & emotional now from loosing his mother. He lost both parents. He relapsed twice & I’m Giving him words of encouragement to Fight through the Storm because I’m his Guiding Light. 🙏🏽

[@PutTheShovelDown]

He's lucky to have you!

[@LisaNEdwards]

Watching these helps me in ALL my relationships, you explain so clearly xxx Thank you as always

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Lisa, I truly appreciate all your support

[@M-xlz3]

This is one of the most helpful videos about boundary language I’ve ever come across. Prior to watching this, I couldn’t tell how to “set a boundary”without making it sound like an ultimatum. I’d use the “If you…” That is when I could actually muster up the courage to set a boundary. I just recently discovered that I have anxious attachment traits, which makes setting boundaries difficult. This is so helpful! I wish I could like it more than once. Thank you, thank you!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! That’s awesome. Thank you so much for the kind words of support!

[@M-xlz3]

@@PutTheShovelDown You’re very welcome! Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to respond to me. I appreciate it!

[@megcarter9112]

Great information. I once drew up contract, signed by alcoholic spouse, "no drinking in the house", he'd just disappear a few days, and say, 'well, i didn't drink in the house, that's what you wanted, right?" Smh.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got it Meg! That's just exactly the kind of thing that happens! They end up holding it against you.

[@homesteadingatthervpark1497]

I am trying to create a 'not in the house' boundary here. Is this feasable? Am I crazy? How did this work out? It seems part of the addiction requires me to be hostage....mom and step mom issues playing out here. He needs an unwilling observer to reject/accept him I think?

[@taylernoelle1]

I love how you differentiate ultimatums vs boundaries. really helpful! Like someone else commented, this is great to use in all relationships!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Tayler Wurtz thanks Tayler❤️

[@barbaracoleman7389]

Thank you for your lessons. I am struggling as a grandmother with this issue. My daughter has three children and she and her husband are alcoholics.We live close to them so we can help them with the kids. We have to pay attention that we’re not enabling really are just there to help support the children. Hard to balance!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Balancing children in the mix makes it way more difficult!

[@luanagiese3719]

I've been with an addict for about 5 years now. There were good times and bad times along the way and so it wasn't really dealt with. Because of the pandemic things definitely took a turn to the worst and at times I feel like I'm alone in the relationship, like I was feeling right now. I've just searched "how to leave a depressed addict" and I found you. Thank God! Once again I have hope that my loved one can heal and that I can heal with him. Addiction is a bitch!

[@Usepen]

Your videos are truly light in the darkness. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, OneForTheRoad! I appreciate your kind words 😁

[@melissad.6722]

I LOVE this! Sounds like its really going to help me let go of them and get a hold of myself. Get my own power back AND validates my own thoughts a d feelings, rebuild my confidence in my own ability to think and feel.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😁😁😁😁🥰

[@lynettepettitt655]

My SIL & my brother had a fight, my SIL left & refused to come home, the next day she TOLD my brother to move out (she TOLD him to move in with me!), along with a list of grievances HE was required to address before being allowed to move back in. Of course he refused to move out.... She was all about ultimatums, and six months later is only just realizing my brother won't be controlled... The stupid thing is many of her issues with him are legitimate, but her approach is counterproductive & her choices made her life harder than it needed to be.

[@demaji82]

I just want my daughters father to get better. I love him and want our family to work but he’s spiralling and I have to take ownership for enabling him. I never wanted him to feel alone with no support. I never set boundaries tried to be 100% understanding. As hard as it is to accept he is not a father or partner anymore, he has changed so much and I feel responsible for allowing this behaviour. Ive told him to get help for his addiction and when he does he can be a father again. I’ve taken a barrage of abuse from him, really hurtful vile words. He hates my guts, It breaks my heart I want to be with him but nothing ever changes. I don’t want to detach but I feel I’ve no other choice

[@lifelovejourney]

Amber - you have helped me so much and the addict went to treatment last Friday.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

that makes my heart so happy!

[@lifelovejourney]

@@PutTheShovelDown You replied! I'm seeing a real shift in her thinking already. Loved your latest on chemical changes in the brain.

[@tsilsby888]

Thank you. Even when you can think it through logically, it's still scary to say the words.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sure is, Teri!

[@darcyturnbo4724]

So helpful to hear this advice to help deal with this clearly. Not out of emotion and fear.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so glad to hear it's helpful!

[@dvora_elyashar]

the most difficult it's when the addicted love ask how much money you can give me?

[@Elizabelle79]

Thank you so much. This was the clear advice and examples I was looking for. So appreciated. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're very welcome, Eliza! I'm so glad it was helpful

[@HermioneDangerrr]

I am so glad I found you 🖤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so happy you are finding my videos helpful!

[@jess9441]

I know your the expert so im probably wrong...lol. but I dont hoenstly agree with all of this. And im confused. I told my husband so long as alcohol remains in his life we will have to be seperated... so I basically told him if you drink again me and the kids will leave... however... I told him it wasn't for him it was for our sanity and to protect me and the kids from this repeate toxic cycle... so... I guess it was an ultimatum? But i have no interest in fixing his addiction for him or trying to control him or the alcohol.... but its also a boundary that I feel is necessary for mine and the kids well being at this point... ?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sounds like a good boundary for the right reasons.

[@jess9441]

Ok thank you! I can see now how I maybe could have worded it a bit better to not come across so intimidating...but I definitly feel this boundary was needed. I am learning so much on your channel and we have followed your advice many times along this whole process so im very greatful to you! As a wife of an alcoholic spouse i have learned so much so thank you for sharing your wisdom !

[@kaybizzocchi5732]

Thank you for sharing these sessions. I am learning a lot.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure! I'm so glad you find them helpful!

[@triciasimon283]

I’ve been totally passive for 50 years. I’m feeling it is affecting my emotional and mental health. Because of his total denial and my total passiveness, I have NO idea where to begin to affect change. Where do I start?

[@darcyturnbo4724]

Gathering information like this is a great place to start. I’m new at learning about alcohol addiction and need support. That’s how I found this channel. I’m am getting a lot out of listening to Jordan Peterson as well. Best of luck to you :)

[@marianneellman480]

Thank you .... Your so giving and you are helping me gain control over my sanity. I so appreciate you explaining this in detail... Highly recommended your course to anyone reading this post.. ♥️♥️♥️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome 😊🥰

[@DestinationDionna]

The rephrasing examples you gave are great, and I plan on using them!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks DestinationDionna! I'm so glad you found them helpful. Be sure to update us on how it goes!

[@brendareed5050]

This is valuable information Amber. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Brenda Reed awwww shucks, thanks Brenda 😀

[@denettefossman495]

❤thank you for your videos & wisdom on the matters at hand, god bless you❤

[@calithunder]

Your examples make a big difference in me understanding exactly what youre saying. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Happy to help!

[@ashleyching7894]

Boundary If I feel ____, then I will ____. If I feel unsafe, I will do what’s needed to feel safe. Fence around my yard, not your yard Ultimatum If you _____, then I will _______.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Spot on!

[@lauraroff2700]

Very good. One can use this advice in other areas of their life as well! Thanks a bunch!

[@millstreetteut7835]

Very interesting! Reminds me a little bit of the nonviolent Communication from Marshall Rosenberg. Thanks for the videos!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Millstreet

[@TRCC2750]

Thank You Thank You Thank You

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You’re so very welcome, welcome, welcome 😁

[@ME-tl1he]

Your videos are absolutely helpful and informative. Thank you so much!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww, thanks Maha! I really appreciate the kind feedback

[@christinefinn6180]

Your an awesome peer support! Thank you for all your videos

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Christine!

[@charlieosko4151]

How about 'if you don't marry me by the time I'm 40, its over' (a current ongoing roundabout of an argument) vs 'if I don't feel like there is any commitment to a joint future in our relationship then I will have to make a different decision about my future' - does that sound better?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I definitely think the second version sounds best!

[@lynettepettitt655]

For it to be a boundary it has to be followed through, otherwise it's an empty threat, so be prepared to follow through!

[@breathecarv]

This is really useful thank you

[@samisparkleheart]

Your channel is fantastic!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much, Sami! 😀

[@samisparkleheart]

@@PutTheShovelDown you're quite welcome!

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

Thank you Amber..yes it is about protecting self..thank you soo much for your reassurance..I truely needed to know this..constantly my side of the street.👍👍 I have strict boundries re; self. The only way for respect on both sides of the street. You are soo reassuring and outstanding..thank you thank you thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

SANDY C. EDEN thank you Sandy, for your positive feedback! It’s what keeps me motivated😁

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

@@PutTheShovelDown 😊💞👍👍

[@DeputyRogers]

So much this.

[@vp5134]

Thank you very much, this has been very helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I’m so glad it was helpful!

[@vp5134]

I constantly ask myself what's the difference between being selfish and having boundaries because whenever I try to affirm what I think is important in terms of my freedom, I'm termed selfish

[@AYe-ly2yo]

You always address things I care about

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for always caring about things I address! ❤️️

[@Giyuo]

I feel like the only difference is that your reasoning for acting in your best interest is implied to be the other person with a boundary and blatantly stated with an ultimatum. It seems to only help you resolve that your not a bad person for acting when necessary. Ego dodging.

[@ebrowntaylor1]

I recently got to the point with a gal who broke with me where I was in this situation. She broke up with me, but continued to contact me. We still saw each other, and talked daily. But, she set limits on how much time she spent with me, and started exhibiting behaviors that we both agreed were potentially detrimental to our relationship. She was having her cake and eating it, too. I finally got the a breaking point a few days ago, and said: "I feel like I've been very clear and transparent about the way I feel and my intentions. I feel at this time that this relationship is clearly not a priority for you, or possibly not what you want anymore. If you decide in the future this is something you want to talk about and we're both in the same place, then we can talk. Until then, I have to step away. I hope you understand" Would you consider this a boundary??

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Most definitely!

[@awna_bonana]

I will not choose to be with a person who does Y. If a partner does Y, then I will leave the relationship. You aren't telling your partner that they can't do Y. You are telling them that it is a boundary for you and you will not choose to be with a partner who does Y. Is this still considered an ultimatum?

[@lenalova2000]

So is saying "if you cheat on me I will leave." controlling and not a boundary then?

[@marianneellman480]

This information helps me in all areas of life...xxxxthank you..🙏

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So nice of you

[@Susan_1]

I think this one is for me too!!! lol. I seem to think that about all your video's. Thank you😇

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That one was definitely for you Susan! 😋😜

[@Alicia-ns4cc]

Thank you so much!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure!

[@theflyestangel]

these videos are so helpful. thank you

[@christinecortes6342]

This makes so much sense !!

[@dariusweezer2]

I set up some simple boundaries and from your other videos you say addicts do not listen to boundaries one boundary I had was I don't want drug dealers in my house I don't want strange men in my house when I am not home seem like Common Sense boundaries but they get broken all the time and I fall into the Trap of letting this consume my life and I'm getting out of that trap right now how do I handle something like that simple boundaries or am I out of line

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I think the problem is that....You're expecting for the other person to "respect" your boundaries, but it's your job to hold the boundaries. Basically you're setting rules for the other person. That's not the way boundaries work. You have to set boundaries for yourself. For examples, what will you do if drug dealers and strange men are being brought into your home? A boundary means that you are the action taker. Hope that makes sense. Here's a video that goes more into that topic: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5LWaJ6Pn66ar5Y

[@MissMozzyDee]

This was very helpful advice. Thank you!

[@laran8079]

My husband is bitter that I haven’t let him back in the house. (We were separated legally and he offered to stay with a friend in the beginning.) I realize that my boundary encroaches into his territory but I don’t want to have to leave the house if I end up not being able to handle living with his replacement addictions (to the addiction that separated us in the first place). Not sure what to do. Right now I don’t have another healthy long-term place to go and would have to leave my dogs, which are my children, with him.

[@ninagt3]

Could you please give me an example for a parent with a young adult that abuses a substance?

[@maylammarie]

Omg. This is so good. Taking notes 👏

[@lisaj3016]

I have recently started watching your videos and they are so helpful but this one was really an AHA moment for me. I hope I can put it into practice. Thank you so much for making these videos for those of us that love an alcoholic.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Lisa! I'm so glad you're finding value in these video 😀 Feel free to let me know if you think of a topic idea that you'd like me to address.

[@lisaj3016]

Put The Shovel Down yes, could you please talk more about the high functioning alcoholic? Such as whether or not this is likely to progress and if it’s possible for them to just drink less vs quitting, especially when there are no real consequences for them since they are high functioning.

[@bhartman1216]

I'm struggling with boundaries in my relationship with my alcoholic husband. I want to say that if he comes home and is drunk that he is not allowed in the house. But that is his lane....how do I word this so that it is in my lane. For my sanity I need him to not come drunk.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a tough one. Some spouses I've worked with told them they needed to sleep in a separate room. They would go to bed at a regular time and lock the door. If the spouse came home late, they'd sleep in a different room. Another way you could communicate about this issue is to focus on the specific problematic behaviors the person has when they're drunk instead of just focusing on being drunk in general. For example, if they're loud or aggressive when they drink, I'd focus on those behaviors.

[@jessicabarber5835]

Omg sanity boundery. Hell yes.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Double Hell Yes! 😂

[@jennr8235]

How do you set a boundary on cheating or having female friends.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Essentially you set a boundary for what you will live with and what you won't

[@thewise2443]

Thankyouuu

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure! Glad you liked it

[@JanaCox-mt3hs]

How do I set a boundary for when my husband drinks so much that he acts and talks differentlyz

[@wheresdee_]

I just came across your page and wow… your videos are helping me through some really tough times. My boyfriend is going in a downward spiral in his opiate addiction and I am so worried about him yet I still care so much. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum but I definitely need to set a boundary for myself emotionally it’s very exhausting. I really feel like I cannot spend 6 more months if things are going to be the same or worsen, how do I talk to him or set this kind of boundary?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Diana! Welcome to our little community. I'm sorry you're going through this with your boyfriend. This video might help you think through the issue of whether to stay or go: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e3aYdWuLaJmWopY

[@sherececocco]

I knew a kid that would sell their clean urine when I was a kid 😂

[@adnanibrahim6948]

Can I answer u question

[@jumplittledoggiejumpjump9112]

Master addiction counselor??? Do you have a masters degree in addiction or is that a title you just gave yourself? All most no resources available? Al anon has been around very nearly as long as alcoholics anonymous has. It works and is basically free.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jumplittledoggie, Yes you're absolutely right ALANON has been around for long time and has helped tons of people. Seems like something I said (or didn't say) must have offended you. If so, I apologize. It definitely wasn't my attention. To answer your questions.... Yes, I have a Master's degree in counseling, I'm a Licensed Professional Counselor, Master Addiction Counselor, and A Licensed Counselor Supervisor.

[@jumplittledoggiejumpjump9112]

@@PutTheShovelDown No what you were saying was fine-good. i think you got in the line of fire that should have been aimed at some other addiction "experts" here on KZbin. There is one lady that in a round about way is telling people to buy her book and they will be able to have a couple drinks. I have been around long enough to remember a lady about 25 years ago that was making money off the exact same BS who ended up killing a whole family, drunk driving. Glad to see you are qualified to be saying what you are saying. You are nicer then i am talking to people who have an alcoholic family member."i say put their crap in trash sacks and put them in the driveway if they aren't going to get sober . Alcoholic Rob

[@PutTheShovelDown]

jumplittledoggie jumpjump hey Rob, thanks for that explanation. That definitely helps me get a better understanding of what you were trying to say. I know what you’re saying about all the bad advice being given! In fact I’m in the process of making a video talking about how it’s very dangerous to start thinking you can have just a couple of drinks”. Sounds like we probably have pretty similar philosophies. 😀

[@dominiquenatale8754]

Can I call you??? Or can you please call me