Bringing Back Intimacy: Letting Go First

[@drwyattfisher]

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[@KevinBeach-oe5ig]

A great framework.

[@drwyattfisher]

Thanks Kevin for the comment!

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

Well. As the wife of nearly twenty years Some of this is problematic. As to not touching him sexually, often my honest feeling is why bother.. I'm extremely high functioning with my libido. Think of a 16 old gent. But I'm 45 & especially since I had a partial hysterectomy, yes, I want to have sex with crazy frequency and reckless abandon. He's my only sex mate of nearly two decades so no std worries and I can not get pregnant. We're aging nicely so why not..!? Secondly, I absolutely DO help myself out sexually. Twice or more a day often. Orgasms are a brilliant way to start the day and end them. Having said that, it means that if I've had 14 orgasms that week, he's only responsible for 4 max, I then begin to wonder why I actually need him. He maybe thinks about sex 4 times a month if not for me. Me, everyday just about. So weekends are our usual time. But after more than a year of taking care of myself 90+% of the time, he's becoming a bit obsolete. On my own, it's what I want, how I want it and no one else to consider. May sound heartless and it is. Yet his depression/low libido had me feeling pretty useless for a few years too. I'm very romantically n love with him. He's my best friend but where carnal urges are concerned, maybe not on purpose but still he has removed himself from that role. I need someone whose going to crave me. He's not naturally a sensual person. He genuinely just doesn't understand the males roll in concurring a woman. I dealt with it early on bc our sex life was more frequent and spontaneous but now, short of a fever or something, I know roughly which nights and what time and how sex will happen. It's not hot nor interesting. I try to offer change ups, position ect but he likes what he likes. He's not big into roll play nor is he any good at it. He's not into sexy clothes which is a shame bc I love wearing sexy clothes. So I foster 90% of my sexual needs by myself. Often I feel like what's the point of him even being my sexual partner? I'm in counseling now hoping to reverse some of the damage and to feel spicy towards him once again. I'm not sure I'm wired for having more than one sexual partner but I've pondered it. He won't like it yet as he has said before, I deserve my needs met if he can't provide. Can we survive that kind of openness, I don't know. We've discussed him being Ace. Bi. He isn't sure. He knows he adores me and wants to spend his life with me. He loves me and is very romantic and sweet, flirtatious and such but from a carnal, sensual place, he just doesn't know how to do it.. He's much more lovey dovy than pin me to the wall and take me.. I need to be chased. Taken. Heat. Erotism. As to mental fidelity, I was all for that until I became resentful. Why should I think if him if he's rarely going to be the one who soothes me? I did try but then I just became mad. And of course all touch is sexual when you're not feeling satisfied. I'm absolutely loving towards him. But no, he doesn't get my sexy side much anymore. Why should I? He's not going to do anything with it. And I agree, obligatory sex sucks. So, he knows I'm romantically loving all day yet he knows my sensual side is for me and he can't have it currently. Does that hurt him, probably. Too bad. All the times I tried to be dressed up and or prompt him, I was rejected often. Not good. We talked about it, I read about it, listened to anything I could. He went to counseling. His depression lessened but his libido did not increase. So yes, I'm very loving but for me, as a lady, you leave me to address my sexual needs after we marry and you know upfront how much sex means to me... Yep, you may just cause yourself to be obsolete. And honestly, if one is higher libido'd, most touch is a trigger (from your spouse) -. A nice hug, foot or back rub, kiss let alone kisses.. Yep, my body is excited and rearing to go!! It's super screwed up when he thinks kissing my neck is appropriate but it really turns me on and he knows that too so instead of being able to say hey let's go or hey don't bc it'll make me really ache down there (which he already knows!!) I instead have to ask him to run to the store so that while he's gone, I can take care of business.. True story more times than I can count. He seems clueless. I'm disabled, I have fibromyalgia as a gift after cancer twice. I've had my hormone levels checked and they always come back in normal range. He and I are just fundamentally not compatible sexually but we're twenty years in. We were ok enough in the beginning. But after 2019, it's just been alot more difficult. Marriage threateningly difficult. But I do love him. Soul deep love. No infidelities for either of us. I remind myself that even if I found a male mate who was sexually perfectly compatible to me they'd never be the best friend that my husband is. I don't want a husband bestie over here and a grand lover over there. I want all of that, those qualities in one person or honestly I think I'd rather be single and just provide for myself. I'm very loyal, generous, always in the mood. I'm often angry when I hear so many men complain about ladies not being able to keep up and I'm thinking I can. I could probably wear them out!! So how is this my life? I feel like I'm wasting valuable sexual energy along side my age and abilities. I want to feel young, which I do and act young.. Only by myself. I dunno. There is a lot of resentment. Hopefully the counseling will help me to mend that. Time will tell. Best wishes for all.

[@drwyattfisher]

Thank you for sharing your current situation and struggles! It can be extremely difficult when you desire "carnal" intimacy and your partner seems indifferent. A few suggestions that help in this type of situation. First, consider reducing your self-pleasure to once every other day because libido builds upon libido. Second, see a sex therapist together, not individually. This is a marriage issue and it's about finding a compromise to honor some of what you both desire. Third, avoid bringing in other people because that usually leads to significant problems.