Brother-in-Law Says I’m a Terrible Husband

[@Acosya2]

This happened to my uncle. He's an ass to his wife. Finally my mom, his sister, told him off. Then everyone of his siblings piled on. His friends did too. He was deeply ashamed. It changed him.

[@michaelspencer3586]

That's great. It's better to call out the emotional abuser to their face rather than in a texting conversation. It's much more effective and gives you instant respect and authority.

[@PepeCoinMania]

super protective family. over the time a bunch of simps trying to empower the woman would make the marriage a pile of trash

[@brandyk]

That sounds just as bad if not worse than what the uncle was doing bc everyone piling on at once.. sounds like a bunch of cowards who wouldn't just talk to him at an appropriate time n healthy way.. obviously they didn't care that much or it wasnt that bad if they had to wait till everyone else agreed. This sounds like a dysfunctional echo chamber. Any one who piled on at the end when it was clear he was getting the message is just as abusive. Grow up.

[@Acosya2]

@brandyk you sound like a dummy who doesn't understand the concept of family. When one starts the others joint in to reinforce the message.

[@timothydraper3687]

@@brandyk Unless it built up over time, until they were all thinking about saying something.

[@amandavides5460]

It takes so much courage to openly talk about how we hurt others. I have respect for this caller. Taking accountability is a process.

[@benwhite6134]

As a yeller that hurts to hear. Your right though yelling in anger especially one sided is abuse.

[@wendybryan6071]

Yelling, even by both sides, creates a hostile and toxic environment. It terrifies the children and is stressful. Mature adults have discussions, even differences of opinion without yelling. If you feel the tension rise, walk away and wait until you're both settled.

[@jenniferthompson5146]

I confronted my boss once about how he would get loud or sarcastic when he was angry, and to my surprise he listened and then started being gentler. I really respected that. Great reminder that we all need help being more self aware, and should work in being open to honest criticism.

[@braziliannigga]

It's funny, because being a former special ops soldier, by "busting balls" and being competitive is how we showed love and care towards each other 95% of the time. When I started my family I brought it down a couple of notches, but after I made my wife cry with what was , in my head, a complete harmless joke I realized that it wasn't a matter of bringing it down, it was a matter of switching tools completely and here we are 12 years later, no major incidents.

[@censaim]

You have humility and love in your heart for doing that.

[@jl4091]

We all have narcissist traits.The good news is this guy is NOT a narc and can work on himself.

[@seaportsthename]

i’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. she would have never admitted to her behaviors in the slightest, even just to the point of questioning if she “really did those things”. so he’s at least trying to figure out himself and his actions, and that’s an important first step.

[@amythinks]

Hmmm. This guy is really humble. Most of the time people react negatively when confronted with this issues.

[@Chosen302]

I’ve met people like this before where they are really passive aggressive when they talk to you. They don’t necessarily say anything but the way they talk to you is off. Almost argumentative but without being argumentative. I absolutely hate this.

[@kaileyrosemahan8101]

Are there ever actually follow up calls?! Because MAN this call and many others, I would love to have an episode where people follow up 6-12 months later.

[@diannthomas7849]

I've dealt with a similar situation with my husband. We went through some tough times, long story short, I ultimately had to learn to call him out with examples as the situations came up. I did it in a loving but firm way. For example, he'd start to say something to me in a loud or disrespectful way and I'd say..... "This is an example right now where I am feeling uncomfortable with the tone of your voice." At first he'd be in denial..... "I'm not yelling!" So I'd mirror it back with the same tone he was using. After awhile, he caught on. I would also point out examples where I saw the behavior in others, especially in his family. Sometimes now, I'll see him catch himself getting louder but stop. The fact that the caller is open and really trying to figure out whats going on, is very helpful. One other suggestion for him is to try and get some input from other friends who aren't part of his wife's family. It honestly might be that they are more sensitive in her family. If that's the case, he can try to adapt the best he can since he does love these people, but it may be that he really isn't completely at fault here. Everyone really is different and, if you love someone, you just have to come up with a way to communicate that works for everyone.

[@pnwpariah8691]

That’s great, it’s something I have had to ask my wife to do for me if there are behaviors I need to work on and vice versa, be direct with specific examples and things can be fixed in fairly short order!

[@cess4089]

Yes. I am so glad you started saying things in the moment. 💪🏻 and yes I totally agree that some families are just overly sensitive and use that to control others.

[@jborrego2406]

Oh nice, good way to shut someone up. Any time they complain or in argument . I feel uncomfortable bam stops, or start crying makes the other person shut up an be nice

[@9liveslisa]

He sounds like a nice guy and he's trying to be self-aware and curb some of his bad verbal habits. I wish him all the best. Keep communicating with your wife. She'll appreciate it.

[@aislcsales]

Nice guys let women and other men walk all over them. Typical Mormon behavior. You don't have to be a nice guy if you are; A disciplined high value man who leads his woman and knows how to provide. Nice guys don't make pussies wet. She wont respect him and this marriage is over. So sorry for him and all the other beta mormons in Utah. I have been here for 24 years and I see how weak they make their men because the whole religion (cult) is just about "be nice"

[@olgamane4652]

Kiki

[@ineedhoez]

When he said that he was willing to change his behavior because he values connection with other people, it blew my mind. There are quite a few people in my life that definitely need to turn it down. Actually, one person in particular. I find myself not inviting that person to events because their personality is just a lot. I've known them and been friends with them for a long time but I don't want to inflict them on other people. That person definitely has the personality of "it's my way or the highway." I think if I frame the conversation in terms of wanting to have relationships and to make changes, I think that might go over well.

[@mintyhippo8125]

Yeah, I think when people are described as “a lot” it could be replaced with “not self aware to see how their behavior affects other people”…. Being bold is good, but it’s also good to read a room. And, that’s a journey.

[@pattyajones]

Oh crap, I just realized I'm a "one upper". SUM BEACH...so noted. Gonna bring it down...A LOT. Thanks David and Dr. John.

[@miss1of2]

That's also how many neurodivergent people show empathy... More like, oh dude I get it, here is a similar thing that happened to me. So don't beat yourself up too much if you have ADHD or ASD... But I understand how neurotypicals feel "one upped" when we do it...

[@carnivoreRon]

I question why he would text his brother in law about this. Is the wife telling her brother and family things about him? Are the things she says real? Lots of questions about her and her family!

[@aislcsales]

This guy is a beta nice guy. She will walk all over him. He will try to fit the mold she THINKS she wants, she will lose respect for him in the process and its over.

[@susieq8008]

My oldest brother would catch things my 1st husband would say or do to me and sometimes he would call him out right then n there ...other times he would ask me privately how I felt about being treated that way.

[@yamabushi_nate7825]

This man is going to make it

[@mintyhippo8125]

I was with a person who always asked me for examples for things they did wrong, and it’s hard to list examples lol It’s like, “everytime we talk you do the same thing,” and that’s not a helpful example lol they would always just say, “that’s just how I talk” :(

[@Mitchmyoutube]

He knows what he is doing

[@kathylovesmk]

Ugh, I've been through this. It's incredibly hard to hear our personality flaws, from those closest to us. I decided, after the 3rd separate person gave me the same feedback I had to listen.

[@Gracie.Gardener]

Good for you!

[@brandyk]

Yes well hopefully they actually gave you several examples not just launched grenades

[@katemiller7874]

Some people do not pick up social cues and have no idea they are offensive

[@nikkid4890]

That’s very true. My husband truly is blind to his offense. He can’t see it at all. He doesn’t deny it may exist, but really seems bewildered about what’s ‘wrong’ with him. It’s the same feedback from almost total strangers who know nothing about what others have said.

[@brandyk]

​@@nikkid4890but see again that is different than this man's situation as other people are not telling him this.

[@triciadilligaf1933]

Because no one has ever told them

[@Ilovedachshunddogs]

I am really impressed that this guy is being brutally honest. It gives me hope that therapy can really help; for those who really want help

[@GoingApeCostume]

Passive aggressive is an art form in Utah. Very cultural, as well as the behavior this caller claims. It's entirely possible he doesn't know how competitive he is because it's all around him all the time.

[@dwightschrute8726]

Was totally thinking the same. I lived there for 5 years and the culture is very unique, that’s for sure lol.

[@robr268]

I yell and get defensive because I don't feel safe. I feel the person is against me. I wouldn't yell, scream, get defensive to a wife that would never leavd me. But I would act a certain way if I never truly knew where I stood. You gotta find people who match your love language.

[@tiffanywatson8316]

Here's the deal, for most people, particularly people who brought up in trauma, then anyone is the enemy. If anything your wife would be enemy #1 because she can hurt you the most.

[@robr268]

@tiffanywatson8316 your wife only is the enemy if she doesn't want to help and leaves you. If she stays because she loves you and want to work things out....that's never a enemy move.

[@katemiller7874]

Yes opposites attract but they don’t stay together.

[@michaeldodd9260]

I’m battling the same things man, awareness is the doorway to change. Be present, don’t focus on the past or stress over the future. Be fully present and you will have the life you and your wife deserve. Godspeed bra

[@amendaalmonte2236]

I have a friend who’s very much like this. I wish she knew what she was doing. But people like this very very defensive. Like they’re in constant protective mode. Or use their mental health as a reason. And sometimes the best thing they can do is apologize for making me feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I know you may not believe it. But I’m literally telling you how I feel but the only thing they can do is defend why they did XYZ.

[@brandyk]

You seem to be projecting your situation with your friend onto this situation. This guy is courageously and humbly calling for help but clearly struggling with what exactly it is that he is doing that is so objectionable bc his immature brother in law who seems pretty abusive himself and his wife want to just make over the top accusations without giving him a true understanding n road map. It's up to them to be clear about what behavior they want to see changed n if the really loved him they would make it easy for him to understand not like he's going on a scavenger hunt. This itself can be toxic n like gaslighting depending on how much they do this. You can clearly hear how willing to understand m change a bit. John even had this guy agreeing to being a one up kind of guy where he's always topping someone else's story just because he sometimes mentions a car accident he was in when someone mentions their car accidents. Please by that definition almost everyone today aside from a therapist paid to listen n trained not to do this n of course a person who's never had a car accident is a one upper. To me when you're looking for your flaws in a self inventory kind of way without raking yourself over the coals and turning you into a fearful, paranoid person always making sure you're doing and saying everything right, you should first identify things you do that are far or even a little outside the norm, can these things be a problem in certain situations and with certain people than with others. Might even some people love this about you while others hate it. If nothing strikes you as so different than all of the other imperfect people walking around every day then rather than get a microscope out and look for flaws ask the people and if they can not or will not give you specifics and it should be more than a one or two times thing in several years then they are not being honest about the real problem and or their actual love for you. I am a person who has given many specifics to my biological family and they still shut it down, dismissed it.monomonzed it and tried to always suggest I misunderstood or am oversensitive. That of course ended the relationship which is sad but reality but I would never have just lobbed grenades or expected them to be mind readers and in a.more healthy family my approach would have been respected and worked. Either way we owe it to people to tell them.

[@Mrs.LadeyBug]

Great advice, Dr. Delony. This man seems (SEEMS) receptive. If he genuinely is, he will take your advice. I hope he did. A couple people I know who are definitely emotionally abusive to their spouses are great at convincing people, including counsellors, that sure - they may have some issues - but they are totally teachable, they have “reasons” and its the recipients’ fault. I wonder if he called back??

[@om617yota8]

Ahhhhhhh don't just assume everything is fine because your partner hasn't said anything! ASK THEM.

[@UnAnonKnown]

I really can’t tell from this conversation exactly what this guy is doing wrong … as John says, he’s really vague. But I’ll make one note. Guys are bigger than girls - they are bigger in size and they have bigger voices. I’m a physically small girl. It doesn’t take much for a large guy to trigger a fight or flight reaction in me. If he’s irritated and his voice is elevating and he’s making big movements with his hands … it may not seem much to him, but to me as a smaller person it seems a lot. Even when I know I’m 10000% safe, I still have a physiological reaction (And I’ve never ever been abused). For some women, their response is the fight one - and they start screaming and making big movements back excessively - like a blowfish. For me - I shrink inward and go silent until things cool (I suppose that’s the “play dead” response). I engage later when they’re cooled off - but I imagine if someone watches that moment externally, I’d look like a wounded animal - id look abused - and anyone who loved me would get protective of me. I didn’t realize this was happening to me until recently. The bottom line is bigger guys can illicit natural physiological flight and fight responses in smaller women even when that woman knows logically she’s safe. And once you can acknowledge that’s happening, you can decide how to deal with it.

[@JERRRY26]

Actually very insightful & good thing to keep in mind

[@aliolivi]

1000% ...

[@JDHopeful]

Yes. Guys should read this or really anyone with highly different personalities or size differences. Having this understanding going into it will save you both so much time. My wife and I have always had really great communication but since we both grew up in verbally abusive, loud households, it took us a long time to get to a place where we were able to bring the temperature down in conversations. My wife gets excited and get can get very loud. Sometimes it’s really jarring to me because the only time my house was loud was when people were fighting. Sometimes when I’m generally irritable and make certain movements it can trigger bad memories from her past as well. On the outside it looked like we were afraid of each other. We weren’t, we just didn’t know how to deal with that response from our childhood and how we needed to change our behaviors.

[@UnAnonKnown]

@@JDHopeful Great point! It’s not just about size difference. One person’s expression style can have a triggering impact on another person - so their reaction to you has nothing to do with you and neither you quite understand what’s going on.

[@gmarie3053]

My man could scream and punch the walls but the fact that I know that he wouldn’t hurt me doesn’t trigger a response. We’re all different ig

[@nancyt6895]

Listening to someone who raises their voice/yells, man or woman, is exhausting over time. And soul-breaking. The caller can work on ways to adjust his reactions.

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

That's being incredible sensitive.

[@jasminemariedarling]

When I first got married, I was extremely sensitive and quiet. Being with my loud husband who does raise his voice all the time has actually helped me. Through the practice the marriage has provided, I know have a quick-witted response to almost everything in conversations with everyone, I can raise my own voice when necessary, I can hold my own with my husband and make my needs known. I'm now teaching him that we don't always have to get heated in debates, if we see the thing headed south, we can stop and hold hands and know that love is more important than nit-picking. So we've both influenced each other for the best.

[@lindalee9177]

How do you know if the wife is overly sensitive having come out of an abuse situation? The brother in law may be reflecting worry not substantiated?

[@lynnehanley8658]

My husband scowls a lot and it makes him look mad when he’s not. I wonder if the caller has the same type of facial structure that makes him look intimidating and mad.

[@californiadreamer2580]

I had eye problems in the sun, and also have a habit of concentrating intently whenever I study or am observing something outside, which results in an unconscious " frown face" with squinting eyes and down turned lip corners, even when I'm very happy . Corrective lenses and sunglasses fixed the eye squinting, but short of wearing a mask or getting surgery, never been able to fix the "scowl". My family loves me anyway, and they know I'm not an angry person.❤

[@mweiss505]

The opposite texting fights is the best, no one cuts off the other person and everyone can write out what on their mind, thanks to text i came to terms with others many times.

[@brandyk]

Well that true to and I wish John would acknowledge this as part of the reason people do this so that he can still say he advises against it most times bc the healthiest thing is to meet at a later date. You may get through some fights like this but that doesn't mean everything that was said n done in the argument is a bygone and it can still impact longer term friendships or relationships.. mature people who cares about you n the relationship can wait till they calm down and discuss things civilly without being cut off. It will serve you n them in not just that relationship but others in the long run.

[@ithinkigottalent4047]

It's not easy to obtain self awareness and there are programs out there that offer it.

[@birsancristina9278]

I cannot believe he had to be told he's a f*ing a$$hole and that's not ok. How the f*k is that even possible???

[@pmeehan_3]

I think before this caller goes to marriage counseling he needs to work on himself alone first. This is behavior he's seen and heard earlier in his life and with the help of a therapist he'll be able to connect those dots and become more self aware. Good luck to him.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

My husband is oblivious to the way he is .

[@everydaytherapist7315]

John- watching you makes me a better therapist. Thank you!

[@baysideharpy8350]

Texting is a coward’s way out.

[@RepentImmediately]

Texting is a good way to keep a record of a conversation and to communicate with people who get hyper-defensive and interrupt constantly

[@crystalglopez91623]

I would have liked John to ask the guy “why don’t you respect your wife ?”

[@suzieq1704]

I have a friend who is always right and has to always have the last word. I ignore it because this person has many other qualities. Plus, I doubt this flaw would recognized.

[@danielhabig1942]

As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. Revelation 3:19 KJV

[@changetocome100]

It's not fun dealing with ppl that lack self awareness, how is he this clueless? Wife needs to speak up

[@futureai2702]

This comment section is reaaaaally worrying. Please don't get married people, if you think that guys is not '' man enough''. Too many gays out there who think every husband that wants to be the best man (in general) he could be is a bootlicker and act like tough guy when they are not even brave enough to look in the goddamn mirror and see their own flaws. He even said he is yelling. I believe he is a good man but yelling is in general a bad way to treat people out of anger or not. It comes off as agressive, if someone does it. Shame on you people. No real man out there except the many fews like this fella here who have the courage to listen to the critique coming from other people. Good advice to ask for specific situations and asking a friend!

[@elainepatterson5587]

Don't add alcohol to this guy....people in his family are just enduring him.

[@Sattori_hikes]

75% chance he doesnt drink based solely on the state he lives in. If his family is mormon I feel sorry for him it's easy for mormon families to point fingers at what everyone else is doing imperfectly and not do their own personal work.

[@PomsNTomsMom92]

Please don't recommend Better Help to people. Do some research into that company. There are way to many negative experiences.

[@brandyk]

Yes I'm guessing there a sponsor but I think this is not appropriate. Better to have sponsors like dog food or computer software etc. something completely unrelated. People are looking to John for guidance n support and might not understand that he is not being 100% genuine in recommending them the way people do on TV with an actual commercial..I understand it may be the nature of the beast but disconnect from therapy related companies. I know nothing about it but the fact that it's all online tells me it's already unprofessional. For decade's therapy had to be done in the same physical location. It was one of the tenents or rules if you will and for good reason. In fact many people lost good therapist bc they had to move or could not speak with their therapist if they were in a hospital or away for few weeks as insurance companies would not cover that even for limited time and now suddenly just because of COVID and to extend their reach to get more clients and make more money it's ok. I call BS. I would not go anywhere where they are not willing to see me in person or most of their clients as a good therapist knows this is watered down version and so is the concept that started happening about a decade ago with 30 min appts n sometimes every other week. That is a money grab n not in the clients best interest at all. You don't even have time to get into anything real after the little preliminary niceties n comments about the weather. And with numerous clients that a therapist is seeing only every other week they are not going to remember most of what you said. It's impossible. So now you don't know if you should waste valuable minutes reminding them of a particular person you mentioned a few weeks ago or that thing that happened a few years ago or when you were a kid etc. very few people above 30 anyway just have one thing they are going to therapy about.

[@triciadilligaf1933]

Well 1) they are a sponsor so he has to mention them, 2) there will always be negative reviews, 3) are you sure your objection doesn't have anything to do with the founder being jewish?

[@Budoc58]

excellent advice

[@JerryStevens]

I text as much as anybody but it's crazy to try to have a difficult conversation via text. If someone sends me a contentious text I call them and if they don't pick up, I text them to call me.

[@Youneverknow100]

Bring back shaming..

[@vjs4539]

I wouldn't be surprised if the wife and brother are the toxic ones.

[@RepentImmediately]

This must have hit too close to home.

[@Old_Toby]

it sounds like his wife and family don't like his personality.

[@jdpace4371]

Dr. John Delony vs. Steven "Wonderboy" Thompson? MMA/Boxing Exhibition? Please? I think it could be fantastic. They both are.

[@noname75013]

What happened is his wife is talking crP about him behinds his back. That gave him permission to be a jersey to his sisters husband. Wife is out of line.

[@noname75013]

Any dude that is so femine that he is texting feeling to a brother in law and calling a talk show is not a toxic masculine abusive guy. He is being gaslight by his wife.

[@gmarie3053]

Thank you. I’m a woman who clearly sees what’s going on here

[@LisaLisaCJ]

That’s what spouses do they talk to their family when they are mad

[@mweiss505]

This guy is amazing fot wanting to change and be better.

[@MijoShrek]

Sounds like the good ol'Mormons usually these calls from uta. These dudes sound exactly like this. And can never pinpoint themselves like John was saying. Everytime. The boundaries with the family,.hard navigating relationship conflicts and or nuanced issues across the board. Calle in for a reason. Has no council for feeling weird complains or speaking negative of his own family and spouse. Every call from Utah most of the time. Everytime. I live here with them.

[@cess4089]

It’s UTAH. I lived there for 8 years. I have family there. They are the most sensitive passive aggressive people on the planet. I offended someone when I showed surprise that a kitchen table was moved. I didn’t criticize or anything just didn’t expect it. I didn’t even say anything but because I paused for a moment to orient myself I “Ruined the dinner”. No joke. I don’t give opinions anymore and try to talk as little as possible when I visit them because they are so sensitive. I never know if my words will offend. Even showing too much positive energy seems to bother them. But now that I’ve pulled back I’m in trouble for not being genuine. I can’t win for losing. But yes it’s a cultural thing there to be extremely emotional and sensitive. Fainting couches in every house I swear. This guy probably just isn’t as PERFECT ✨ as his in laws want him to be. No joke. I’m on his side. If you have a problem SAY something in the moment. Don’t just shut down and go all passive aggressive and petty. Ugh. This hit too close to home. And I’ve never been accused of abuse but still. I think this is a family/Utah culture of being too sensitive.

[@robr268]

And John missed it. If someone knows your heart they know your intentions. Get with it or get out my life. You have to be comfortable and happy in this life.

[@brandyk]

Wow I didn't know this about Utah in general. I would not like that. I'm not clueless and don't go around intentionally hurting people or being abusive. I also have pretty good perhaps too good insight into times where perhaps I was too much in my enthusiasm or frustration etc n I will apologize before they even mention it. Most of the time people say they weren't offended or it was no big deal,no worries etc. and I certainly would apologize if there was a situation that I didn't even notice or proactively apologize for but the other person was offended or hurt by n the person finally told me at the appropriate time if they weren't comfortable in the moment. But I'm not going to play that game. Everyone has different personalities and preferences and aside from things that are clearly going to offend or upset someone like telling them they gained weight,any negative remark about their appearance or home etc or name calling even if joking or being overly judgemental about a situation they are sharing with you, it's really up to the offended party to put their big girl panties on n have an adult conversation in a respectful way and give people grace so they can handle your upset rather than going on attack mode or letting it build up till you explode.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

Ignorance is bliss until reality hits .

[@redzin8818]

I think the BIL should've just talked to husband rather than wait on him to ask about the distance.

[@elainenilsson5472]

If yelling at someone is abuse then what is it called when someone irritates you to the point of yelling ?

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Lol. Amen, lady !

[@RepentImmediately]

It's called you not leaving the situation.

[@sustainabilitytheory5154]

Regulating your emotions is tough. He needs more self awareness for sure, but maybe the wife and BIL are too sensitive. Both sides should work to understand & respect each other.

[@RepentImmediately]

If a grown man is calling another grown man out on their aggression, it's a problem.

[@johniii8147]

Dude needs to get himself in check. Get therapy if needed. If everyone is telling you the same thing, it's true.

[@brandyk]

2 people who are related n on the same team are telling him. It wouldn't surprise me if his mother n father inaw will say it next but I do not look at that as 4 seperate unrelated people. Now co-workers, the old man who runs the laundromat down the street n his ex girlfriend saying similar without knowing the others had well that's got more of a ring of truth to it. He's obviously trying to understand but for some reason they want him to be a mind reader n not help him to understand. That says a lot about them. He has to actually call a radio show bc they won't tell him.. doesn't sound like she really cares if he changes or not and maybe bc it's not that big a deal. Imagine getting upset n calling someone emotionally abusive bc they don't buy a certain brand of milk from a certain store you like that they have no idea where it is and every time they come home without it you get upset n your brother even gives them a hard time in a passive aggressive manner to the point where they even text you to clear the air and see what up and instead of giving them a map or a phone with map quest on it so they can find it next time, you just walk away. Sorry there's someone abusive here n it's not the caller. Certainly make improvements if you think it will help n make you a better overall person but don't go crazy trying to analyze and overthink everything you do.

[@jborrego2406]

​@@brandykyes it like my mom, in fight my dad would talk normal. She would saying he's yelling. Then tell the family, they would talk to him. I guess he learned. He barely speak up. If my mom starts a fight just agree with her . Not to deal her an the rest of the family

[@julieludwig8927]

My EX-husband. Listen to me

[@shuppslife5140]

Great advice !!

[@kekejefferson9219]

How is he not aware of how he acts? Narc.

[@kekejefferson9219]

Spoken like a true narcissist.

[@nectarzetlian9251]

I feel like the brother in law protecting his sister. John you mean the wife.

[@thedadlife247]

her brother was wrong it ain't his business

[@RepentImmediately]

Family business is family business.

[@thedadlife247]

@@RepentImmediately it's common sense the bible said if u get married your extended family comes last period. It goes god your wife,kids,extended family and job. If your not willing to put those things last why are u even married?????This is one of the reasons why america have a divorce rate so high!

[@jacobsolliday8017]

Or maybe he really is not that bad and they are being abusive to him, acting like he is worse than he is. Lol These things are hard to really know without being around it.

[@randyadams1312]

That thought came into my mind, especially the way it came up and that they can’t give examples

[@katemiller7874]

Ya that’s what I thought. They could be a really quiet family and even if he’s having fun and raised his voice these people freak out

[@RepentImmediately]

Keep that in mind when some dude feels it's ok to yell at your daughter

[@ryansack5198]

Dude seems not very self aware imo

[@teeduck]

Should never have gotten married

[@semosancus5506]

I expedite facts. Years ago my wife said to me "do want to be right or do you want to be liked". I changed for a few years and then decided I had betrayed myself. I'd tell the BIL to kick rocks and bring it if he's got it.

[@texan903]

Take notice when people in your life start subtracting themselves. When people want your opinion, they'll let you know. If they need your ear, they will also let you know. Have enough EQ to be able to determine which they're asking for, verbal and nonverbal cues always tell you.

[@salaltschul3604]

Your wife must be thrilled.

[@HelloTuuuurdz]

Honestly, I’m in the same situation with my partner. He just doesn’t get it. I’m pretty positive both of you are on the spectrum.

[@TheAgentmigs]

So this guy just has zero self-awareness.

[@ivanvargas2425]

If he’s been doing it or been around it his whole life then yes he has no idea. What’s normal to him is not normal to others. He seems to be realizing that now.

[@brandyk]

I really don't see it that way as he is the one big enough,mature enough and insightful enough to make the call. They didn't. They didn't even have the decency to sit him down individually or together at an appropriate time to speak with him in a considerate manner. He's never cussed at her or hit her and the wife hasn't brought any of it up in years yet he's somehow emotionally abusive etc. I'm not buying it nor am I buying that she doesn't feel safe enough to tell him. But she can gossip about him to her brother n who knows who else. Sorry that is dysfunctional or abusive on her part. What exactly did she think brother was going to do? How did that work exactly? She had no problem telling him years ago but suddenly it's unsafe n neither she or her brother want to give this guy a clearer understanding of the problem by giving some examples so he could actually get better. That's dishonest. I have found in my 50 plus years on the planet that if people really want me to know something or change they will tell me. They may write it,they may yell it in an argument they may meet with me at some point to have a heart to heart etc but when people just drop bombs or hunt at things but never tell me and end 20 year friendships seemingly out of the blue and when politely asked why only respond by saying they feel it's best not to get into specifics and that we should both just learn what we learned from the friendship and move on" something is wrong with that person that they are suddenly trying to project onto me. It's never that there this wonderfully non confrontational person. Lol.

[@amandawalker1196]

I’m not saying this guy is perfect and doesn’t have stuff to work on, we all do. But I question whether he is as overbearing as they say or if they just have fragile feelings and are too meek. He seems like he takes feedback pretty well.

[@RepentImmediately]

The only people who say stuff like this are abusers 😂 it's a classic line.

[@Nonya12608]

My husband is just like this guy. He probably has some sort of neurodivergence. ADHD, or Autism.

[@juliaperri6528]

“I’m not buying it” me: 🫢

[@endless_summer_rose]

This guy might be loud, but boy the others get offended easily. They couldn't even give an example of what bothered them?

[@kjwhitty8820]

It drives me crazy when John goes off on a rant with what he thinks is going on without confirming with the caller. I've seen him mistakenly do this over and over. John needs to stop making assumptions and start listening more.

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

John, why do you assume people are lying?? He didn't ask for your advice on whether you should text argue with someone, that's his business and choice. Why would you say his wife was lying because she has to live with him?? Why assume he's lying when he says he doesn't know what he does??

[@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots]

This man sounds like he is being gaslighted by an intrusive extended family member and a weak wife who wants to be liked by her family. This guy is incredibly humble. He does not sound like someone who is "aloof," he sounds confused. He sounds like someone who's been told something so many times, he's starting to believe it. His wife is not entitled to a life without conflict. His wife is not entitled to a husband who keeps his mouth closed. This man however, is entitled to a marriage where other people do not intrude on his personal life. He's never been physical with his wife, never laid a hand on her, never even yelled at her in anger. This sounds a lot more like she doesn't like his personality anymore and has started her reputation destruction campaign against him, starting with her brother. Once again, doctor John has missed the mark in a catastrophic way.

[@Sattori_hikes]

I was kind of getting that feeling too, I'm from a mormon family so I feel like that point was missed as well. I'm still listening so I havent heard them talk about religion but large mormon families are complex in themselves.

[@biffm.2806]

Or he’s not aware of his yelling/anger issues. I have a family member like this.

[@carolallison9685]

Firstly, no one said she told her brother anything, and it seems to me the bil has witnessed his behavior first hand and made his own decisions based on what hes seen. Second, conflict doesnt mean yelling. You can say youre angry without yelling at someone. Science has shown that people who calmly express their anger, get over it much faster than people who act out their anger. You should never yell at anyone unless its a self defense strategy to hopefully stop a physical attack. The fact that you think yelling at people because youre having an argument, is a huge red flag. It shows me you are not capable of self regulation, and if you arent capable of self regulation, you could very well be prone to violence. What kind of family did you grow up in? Did your parents yell at each other? Did they yell at you? Did they hit you? Im willing to net they did. Why do you think its ok to lose your ish on people you claim to love? I think you might want to think about getting off the mgtow forums, because that is not a very healthy way to cope with past trauma (besides those guys are just like feminists anyway. Its pretty funny to watch a grown man act out just like a femnazi) and maybe try trauma counselling to get over the cptsd.

[@jborrego2406]

This is what happen to my dad. then he just turn into whatever u say, an ur right. So mom would say he was yelling ( he talked normal never raised his voice ) an deal with her family on his ass

[@kcourtney6826]

It's good that he recognizes his faults, but his wife needs to stop discussing her marriage with her family and learn to communicate with her husband.

[@MrTmenzo]

He's probably on the spectrum and should get checked out.

[@wnm8888]

Why do you think that?

[@RepentImmediately]

People ascribe everything to being on the spectrum these days. It's pretty comical.

[@sizesmall1756]

Some people are psychopathic. It's still taboo because we associate that word with people who commit the worst evil, but there are psychopathic people doing their best to get through life and asking themselves these questions, unable to figure out what's wrong with them because they genuinely struggle to empathise. They sound like this guy. I don't know if that's his deal but I respect him a lot for calling. He sounds like he's genuinely trying to figure this out.

[@abark]

Yelling at someone in anger is abuse, but there are people out there who will press and attack and needle until the only option is walking out the door or finally reacting. Yet it's almost always the man who has to leave, and the woman pushing him to the point where the yelling in anger happens. Marriage counseling will just be the hour a week where the man gets to hear all he does wrong in a long list of trivial grievances while the wife talks to the divorce lawyer behind his back.

[@cess4089]

Just throwing this out there. Some people use emotional sensitivity to control others. Sound like he’s just an enthusiastic loud guy who married into a stoic/emotionally fragile family who want to punish him for it. Common in Utah.

[@robr268]

Why no one points that out! I rather have someone showing their emotions like yelling then someone sitting there calm and I don't know their next move. Some people manipulate just that way!

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@robr268people who yell have lost control of themselves.

[@dianacobble6136]

I think he married into an overly sensitive family. At least he cares and wants to do better.

[@RepentImmediately]

People who are aggressive always say this

[@dianacobble6136]

@@RepentImmediately I’m far from aggressive but I do have grace. We live in a highly sensitive society now where people’s feelings are gauges. Always work to improve yourself and at the end of the day this caller recognized a flaw.

[@flyandshy00]

He might have autism. Lack of self awareness is astonishing.

[@RepentImmediately]

People ascribe everything to autism these days 🙄

[@jasonthornton6235]

This guy is incredibly irritating to listen to. He is so vague.

[@cashway0420]

He probably yells at her when she burns his toast, she needs to move on.

[@thembisaodendaal]

My heart goes out to this guy..it feels like these people are unnecessary. The wife is ridiculous and creates the problem with the brother.This guy is introspective enough this is not true about him

[@davidharman7245]

Interesting. I doubt men being loud and competative in sports and games is caused by a deep and complicated, emotional source - which John went into at the end. I think many people are simply raised to hate losing, and live for the feeling or praise of being winners. Men tend to lean 100% into their favorite things and be more emotional when participating in them. I prefer not to be competative at all, it's not how I was raised. I try to tap into that with self control to make things more fun for the many competative people I know.

[@MijoShrek]

Sounds like the good ol'Mormons usually these calls from uta. These dudes sound exactly like this. And can never pinpoint themselves like John was saying. Everytime. The boundaries with the family,.hard navigating relationship conflicts and or nuanced issues across the board. Calle in for a reason. Has no council for feeling weird complains or speaking negative of his own family and spouse. Every call from Utah most of the time. Everytime. I live here with them.

[@davidharman7245]

@@MijoShrek Sorry to hear that, Utah is one of the most beautiful places I have visited. And I will visit again.

[@mintyhippo8125]

Well, John dug into that in this convo because the caller was told by his brother in law that he was specifically too competitive and emotionally abusive. I don’t think being competitive is always an emotional flaw, but the caller was told by two people close to him that he was competitive in an overbearing way.

[@kayn2756]

He sounds like an Aries😃😃😃😃😃

[@LisaLisaCJ]

Don’t you pin this on being an Aries 😂

[@lucindabreeding]

Could this man be on the spectrum?

[@RepentImmediately]

Sounds like a typical, angry guy to me

[@MikeAveli.]

Lol 😆 are you a one upper!!!

[@Chosen302]

“Yelling is abuse” “Dr. John Delony Immediately exit when you experience any kind of yelling in a relationship.

[@aguyandhiscomputer]

My guess would be... 1. wife talked to the sister-in-law. 2. sister-in-law talked to the brother-in-law. 3. sister-in-law pressured the brother-in-law to talk to the caller. 4. brother-in-law texted instead of talking.

[@gayle2276]

People please know that sometimes you may have to go to 3 or so different counselors before you find one that helps. We went to 3 before we found one that we thought could help but unfortunately it was too late for other reasons. The counselor was good enough that my ex and his new wife went to him for counseling after they got married. 😂 lucky them🙃

[@MartianAmbassador69]

My brother-in-law says I'm a terrible husband, but I think that's only because he caught me slammin' his wife...

[@chanmanmedia5845]

Your sister?

[@michaelspencer3586]

How old are you?

[@leslielablover]

Yelling in anger is abuse? We should be back to June Cleaver soon.

[@numberone2836]

Try a carnivore diet and remove the plants. Seems to mellow people out a lot. Also boosts your mood in general.

[@lucindabreeding]

Well, this was some random advice. ???

[@djpuplex]

His sister probably plays her part and feeds them this when he's not around. Blame shifting and victim card rallying are tactics one and two women use. Put your foot down and make boundaries with the in-laws and the wife don't be a door mat.

[@miketheyunggod2534]

Better to yell than the alternative. Pow! Right in the kisser.

[@RepentImmediately]

Better to be single than to be married to a man-child