My Husband Yells When He’s Stressed (Is That Okay?)

[@44nk96]

I'm so glad that John called out this behaviour for what it is; abusive.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Another example of might makes right

[@raccuia1]

I replace the word abuser with the word criminal. In my mind these kinds of piles of rotting faeces are criminals. It also makes me puke listening to the excuse makers and enablers of these criminals.

[@themightykabool]

but he's not yelling at her. he's yelling at the computer. it's traumic. if she goes into the room will she get yelled at?

[@MirjamPeij]

My ex used to say I'm not hitting you so what's the problem? Emotional abuse is abuse too. Walking on eggshells is awful.

[@carlel121]

Wow! My husband never touched me a hair, but his screaming, throwing things on the floor, braking them, or kicking something in from of me was kind of abuse too! I had to deal with his ups and downs for a long time, at some point I didn’t feel safe, now I’m leaving! And he is in denial of what he did wrong! 🙄

[@Shonen88_Champion]

​​​@@carlel121 how long was he behaving like this around you ?

[@neicycombs3533]

My husband yells and screams at me and I cannot believe I continue to put up with it. Do you suggest counseling. I don’t think he will go. He is very stubborn and doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. He blames me. I am the most chilled person I know. I don’t know what to do. I’m sick of it.

[@carlel121]

@@neicycombs3533 my husband was nice at times but when got upset same yells at me the only difference is that he recognized he has a problem, we were also having financial issues, but at the end I decided to leave him, I couldn’t do it anymore!

[@Mardi-Shorts-DevonGirlUK]

​​@@neicycombs3533 Hey there. Mine also screams, yells and calls me horrible, horrible names when angry. He defends it as being a passionate person and his version of crying etc. He's very animated with his arms and body language, pointing fingers, gets in my space etc. He blames me, he says I'm annoying. Often it be me just asking him to take the bins out or stop screaming and swearing at other drivers. I know it's abuse, he was bullied as a kid at school so he knows he's being abusive. He's very charismatic and intelligent etc so he twists stuff to make it always my fault. We've been together for 18 years. I know at times I should leave him, so I'm at fault. He's been better recently because he was spotted by someone shouting at me in public and has been pulled up for it. Writing all this down makes me feel so pathetic and weak. He's lovely alot of the time, but can be very negative, which is also draining. Also he drinks at night every couple of days so that doesn't help his mental health. I'm in therapy at the moment to try and make sense of it all. Or at least figure out If I have the strength to leave or stand up to him. If I'm submissive, he still shouts. If I'm firm he still shouts. Recently I've been using lots of boundary stuff and abuse therapy stuff I've learned and now remain firm and calm with him. I'm pretty sure I'm trauma bonded to him and also Codependent. He's going to do therapy too. If he doesn't change then I really need to dig deep and separate from him, living a peaceful, relaxing life on my own. Also, it's true what they say about abused partners health failing through pushing down the upset from being abused. My body is showing me in physical ways how the mental damage is affecting me. I truly hope you figure out what to do. You're not alone. There's many, many of us out there (women & men) struggling to know what to do, whether to leave, when to leave or just stay and live for the good days of not walking on egg shells... Much love to you honey and also, peace & happiness for you in your future xxx

[@melionaire]

I could never live with somebody that throws adult temper tantrums. I grew up with a father that still does that to this day, and I am so glad I don't have to experience that on a daily basis anymore.

[@jenniferi.4385]

My fil screamed at my poor mil for years. He terrorized her. She died almost 6 years ago. Now he's a lonely old man banging around in an empty house. Nobody's there to hear him scream anymore so he doesn't.

[@kellharris2491]

I always think it's funny when they say women are the emotional ones.

[@willbrown423]

Only another year if that life for me

[@sherylyvette]

Same. It was a nightmare. My father was either screaming at us or ignoring us. I finally cut him completely out of my life last year. He doesn't deserve to have me in his life.

[@lynnwillis4332]

Both of my parents were verbally abusive. Both of them lived in denial. Now I am ready to be on my own after having two husbands that were the same way.

[@sydniruth]

I confided in our pastor who also did our premarital counseling about my soon to be ex husband screaming at me, berating, and demeaning me, his response was “yeah, maybe he yells a little to loudly and says things that aren’t nice sometimes” Both my husband and him and well loved, educated, and community oriented. This told me I could never trust our “pastor” ever again. To this day, his behavior has not been condemned. I left when my son was 7 months old after he decided to scream at me again in front of our child. I said never again. I couldn’t protect myself, but I am protecting my son from witnessing this behavior. AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD OF MYSELF.

[@relaxwithme__]

So happy for you ❤ strong mama

[@brianmcdonald7017]

And I'm sure you're perfect in every way and he's mad for absolutely no reason lol

[@malindarayallen]

You are making the right decision. You deserve better than a man who can't control himself.

[@tjturner3916]

That is VERY typical of Christians. They believe that abuse is fine in a marriage, as is infidelity, as long as it's the man getting to treat the woman like trash.

[@leela7366]

@@brianmcdonald7017No one is perfect. No one has the “right” to constantly scream and mistreat someone because they feel angry. As the man he has the real responsibility to manage his household well, that starts with his own self control and sinful responses. Of course the wife has to be in control of her own emotions and make sure she give him the respect he deserves.

[@secondplace]

I learned this behavior from my father, and I’m pretty sure he learned it from his. It’s a terrible cycle that needs to be broken.

[@jessicataylor8956]

I pray the cycle ends with you. Awareness leads to the work, which leads to healing. Best of luck to you.

[@miketheyunggod2534]

The alternative is physical violence fool.

[@abbyxiong3931]

I agree with your comment. It is generational. Same for my late husband. He did learn to apologize and to control his temper better. I am proud he worked on himself for our marriage. We didn't do counseling but we did work on ourselves. I hope you can learn to overcome it. Take care of your emotions (anger is usually associated since when it not under control can turn to rage and aggression). Your mental health matters. 😀

[@methoticaarts1787]

I wish my love would stop . And on top of that my daughter has bipolar so I get it from her too

[@KoolT]

Both my parents had PTSD both. Fun times😮❤😂

[@sweetpea2839]

I hate walking on egg shells.

[@ArmOr_of_the_Alpha_and_Omega]

Same

[@TheCmovius]

Now that my husband is working on his response to stress, I still feel anxious in all areas I’ve seen snapping, which is literally everywhere.

[@ArmOr_of_the_Alpha_and_Omega]

@@TheCmovius same. My husband recently started to show the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control) since going to church and giving up alcohol....but I still get nervous. It's just too soon at this point. If he continues I will be able to let my walls down.

[@TheCmovius]

@@ArmOr_of_the_Alpha_and_Omega it takes a while to trust that a new permanent change is coming-our nervous systems are expecting it constantly, and this time around I’m not walking around hunky doori accepting temporary peace; I want real lasting change and I expect it this time around. My husband admitted to me yesterday that while I was working from home and helping to troubleshoot my son’s iPad with my husband he wanted to snap at me to put work on down, but he was clueless that the work thing was a big priority and I’m coordinating things on that front. This is also during a shortened week due to a family getaway weekend + Juneteenth off, I have so many tight deadlines at work, we have a kid who does not feel well, plus my son has been at home with me while his summer camp starts, I’ve had with no internet all morning and had been working from my phone-so I was already stressed myself-in that moment I was feeling supported by him that I could multitask on work and my sons iPAD. But why he thinks it’s ever acceptable to snap at anyone blows my mine, because it’s not! He didn’t come into this relationship snapping, and I’ve told him over and over how hurtful it is and how unacceptable it is.

[@ArmOr_of_the_Alpha_and_Omega]

@@TheCmovius exactly. I say "it's okay to feel emotions, but you control your actions. They don't control you. Own what you do." Only when he started serving Jesus did this make sense to him.

[@RobPetty622]

My Dad had a temper and we often walked on pins and needles trying to avoid being yelled at. I once heard a discussion about kids rights and I thought, " Kids have rights?! Whoa!"

[@smustipher]

As someone who has struggled with outburst of anger in the past, I must say that it is not ok to expose family members to yelling, screaming, and other behaviors that may make them feel unsafe, even if it is not directed at them. A home is meant to be a sanctuary from the chaos of the world.😮

[@Happiness379]

I really appreciate you saying this.

[@AnnaTodorova_piano]

I wish my husband would think the same. He did yell at me last Saturday night for a minor inconvenience and said very hurtful words and didn’t apologize till today, it’s been almost a week and he probably think he was right in doing so. I feel terrified.

[@leela7366]

I wish my husband would have the same ability to stop the yelling, screaming and mean words as well. I walk on eggshells and don’t have a safe partner because of his anger. Congratulations on reaching your goals in overcoming personal challenges. Thank you for also reminding other men and women that it is not okay to be this way.

[@okaydude2863]

I am Also working on not yelling.

[@queensmith2469]

Yes I agree

[@lindajordan3291]

I'm 60yrs old and when I hear someone yelling (not at me) I still want to run and hide like a small child. I never quite thought about yelling as abuse but of course it is! I just got that! An adult temper tantrum... yup. Thanks for the wake up. I've got some healing to do.

[@semosancus5506]

A lot of men yell at each other. Women simply can't yell and overpower anybody. Men can so it is a tool men use sometimes. Is it the best tool? Depends on the situation. Maybe he just gets off a work call and blows off steam by yelling. Ignore it is my advice. He never directed it to the wife and girls so he clearly understands the power of yelling.

[@eakintunde84]

@@semosancus5506 Nope. That is not an appropriate behavior at home, especially with children involved. He has to learn how to deal with his frustration in a healthier way.

[@brendawilkerson1406]

Me too.

[@van2165]

@@semosancus5506 it is not a tool or skill, it is a reaction. Yelling is a symptom of a lack of coping tools. This will condition those around him to think this is normal, it most definitely is not normal or healthy for people to walk on egg shells.

[@semosancus5506]

@@van2165 Are you trying to tell me you understand the male psyche? You clearly don't. High performing, aggressive men, the kind that paved history to get you to where you are today, used yelling as a tool. I can't see that being disputed. Now we can dispute whether this woman's husband is properly deploying the tool. I can't say as we don't know who he is directing it at. Is he just doing it to make noise in the house? Sounds irritating but not dangerous to the inhabitants.

[@TheAgentmigs]

Its definitely abuse. Makes everyone in the house feel unsafe..uncertain, and it just destroys any sense on tranquility in the house. You can never trust that you will be fully comfortable in your own home when you feel there's a ticking time bomb that might go off at any moment. It destroys the ideal of what a home should be. I've lived it. On an internal sense..I still do even.

[@maryann7619]

Thank you for sharing. Have you healed? How?

[@TheAgentmigs]

@@maryann7619 Yes, but only after I became an adult and created a home environment of my own. I had to literally relearn what home was meant to be.

[@SassyL62]

reminds me of the story of the bear freed of its small cage and still continuing to walk in circles after its release 😢

[@ketobarbelle8051]

It never ceases to amaze me how society brainwashes women into tolerating crummy behavior from mediocre men - and then to rationalize is as “he’s wonderful except for one little thing” and the women convince themselves that they’re the problem and the reason behind the crummy behavior. It’s so sad.

[@philthy1312]

Most the time it’s the women are the problem…. So there’s that.

[@petalchild]

​@@philthy1312 sure buddy

[@GamerDad-007]

Agreed, I think it would be hilarious if he started this off with "are your credit cards maxed?" lol

[@AnnHolifield-t3n]

My husband maxes out our credit card

[@benmyers9030]

If only society would stop victimizing people and forcing them to do stuff! Bad, bad society!! No treats for you!

[@everyone2975]

Lived with this on a daily basis for 24 years. My advice is to get away while you're young and able to rebuild your life easier. Do not wait til the kids are grown. They will blame YOU when they are older!

[@daughter_of_yeshua]

One thing no one tells you is you can have wonderful years in marriage. You vet your spouse heavily while you date, look for red flags and then suddenly years of stress built up and bad circumstances turn a person into someone who yells and rages at the slightest stress. You feel guilty because why didnt you see it before, and blame yourself heavily for being blind to not seeing the future.

[@erendon91]

So true…

[@camillewright7914]

Not a single lie told

[@candicane1]

I saw red flags with my husband’s emotional roller coaster behavior, but decided it wasn’t that bad and married him anyway. Whew! Almost 20 years in. He’s gotten “better”, but he definitely has issues with getting easily frustrated out of nowhere and just yells. It is so disrespectful. I am considering divorce after our daughter goes to college. It is literally walking on eggshells bc we never know what will set him off.

[@xojacquie7356]

I'm currently experiencing this now. I get so scared when he screams at me and it gives me chest pains. I went to my mom's house and havent been back since.

[@sabrinay9430]

I don't tolerate yelling from anyone. Not family not employers, no one. I just don't. You won't yell at me or yell at anyone in my presence.

[@erickkisreal9398]

how would you enforce that without getting in trouble with the law?

[@rheinhartsilvento2576]

​@@erickkisreal9398What do you mean? Saying you will not accept being screamed at and if necessary, removing yourself from the situation is not illegal.

[@erickkisreal9398]

@@rheinhartsilvento2576 I was asking him what he meant. He didn't say anything about walking away. So maybe you should tell OP

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

Sometimes you help people help themselves by no longer tolerating the behavior .

[@tiffanydrouin2622]

Bingo. Growing up in a dysfunctional home I didn't realize how bad some of my behavior was until people not only pointed it out to me but had no tolerance for it. It didn't feel good at the time but I'm very glad they were willing to call me out and I'm a much better person for it.

[@brendawilkerson1406]

I cried after this one because it hit me in my gut. I grew up in that environment and know the negative effects it had on me...and I'm 55!!! So much of it sticks with you. I hope she works it out for the sake of her girls. Great call.

[@amb_TV]

It triggered me too, Brenda. I'm glad gave her sound advice that all of us can use. 👏🏼

[@DianneElizabeth64]

I think we are all here for the same reason

[@KellyShelton-ii8jo]

I am sooo glad John said it! I defended my ex for 25 years and one day I woke up! The flood gates opened and I now have flashbacks of all the abuse. It was a LOT. Once you see it you can't unsee it.

[@cookingwithchristina4844]

Finally someone said it, it’s abuse and it doesn’t feel good. Makes people so numb and immune to their reaction.

[@coachconnie64]

This hit me hard, describes my childhood (raging AND silent treatment, not directed at me). Remember being told that I needed to learn how to approach my father in the right way. Now, I think it helped me as an adult 'read the room' and figure out what's going on when others can't see it. But so glad I already ordered Dr. John's new book earlier this morning because I know that I am still dealing with the effects.

[@bethl]

Me, too

[@chuckbizzert9098]

Your just soft

[@josiegermanlopez8250]

I feel like your past situation is my home situation right now.

[@amb_TV]

Me too.🙁

[@Thankful305]

I just got the book and devoured the first 50 pages in one sitting. Pen and notes 📝 I’ve had to sit with what he revealed and realize . . . I’m worth the work I have to do to: Live better, do better and be better. I know this is the start to a more peaceful me/marriage/kids/home 🥰 🙏🕊🙏

[@ForensicsOnTheScene]

I needed to hear Dr. John's response here. He's absolutely correct. I grew up responsible for my father's emotions and avoiding his violent lashing out and scared when things resulted in domestic violence towards my mom.

[@LrlTriCat]

I needed to hear this. My ex husband would have explosive anger episodes. Usually directed at a video game, or just any inconvenience he'd throw a temper tantrum. I thought I was crazy, because everyone would tell me how lucky I was to have a husband like him. But they would never see these episodes. I grew up with a Father with anger issues as well, so maybe a part of me thought it was normal. It wasn't until we divorced that I was able to look back and reflect on the reasons I was so unhappy. We tried couples counseling but he didn't really participate. He pinned all our marital problems on me. I'm so much happier now that I can exist in my home without being so on edge.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

That is how I feel. And I dont know if, after 4 kids and our economy right now, what I should do. He says he tries to be a better person but he falls right back into it. He snaps, he yells and sometimes it like one moment cool, next he is pissed. He has become lazy and has to be mothered about chores and how “tired” he is and cant do things. I am homeschooling and housekeeping with 4 kids home all the time. I am exhausted but I still do what I need to. If I bring up, even quietly or carefully anything HE could do to fix it, even if he is complaining first about the problem…. It doesnt go well. Then I am told by him ALL marriages are like this and anyone who tells me is lying to me. I definitely was dealing for years with my own issues from my dysfunctional family and came with emotional problems. But I have faced them even if I was scared to death to do so. He seems like he wants to be better but doesnt like what he has to do to get there.

[@LrlTriCat]

@@Jaxmusicgal23 Firstly I want to say that I really admire your strength. My ex and I never had kids, so the separation was easier I think. I can see why you'd be so hesitant to leave your husband. However just as you have the strength to be an amazing mother and a loving wife to what seems to be an emotionally stunted husband, you also have the strength to leave if that's what your heart desires. It won't be easy, and it's helpful to have a supportive network of friends and family. There are also women's community resources for helping women get on their feet. It takes a lot of inner reflection to determine what will make us happy. But once you get a better picture it makes it easier to take the first step. Don't be shy to reach out to me again, I'll try to pay better attention to my messages on here. Sending you and your loved ones love and good vibes.

[@amb_TV]

Enjoy your peaceful home🏡, Laurel. You deserve it.👏🏼👏🏼

[@LrlTriCat]

@@amb_TV Thank you! 💕💕

[@lasouza91]

I needed hear that 🙏 thank you

[@beccalou597]

My dad screamed at my mom for 71 years. I became a master at being invisible, so he wouldn't remember i was there to scream at too. He's narcissistic, but also has manic episodes. My mom always made the same excuses; he's wonderful except for this one thing. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to work my way past that "one thing".

[@Dr.Achuth_india]

Same here...as a child i learnt to be invisible, to not attract any of dads attention and do everything to keep mum happy and stress free But when I entered college these backfired, getting attention from my peers evoked the same fear ..i was shunned and disrespected by 99%of people for people pleasing,not being authentic and wishy-washy... There must be some kind of behavioural eligibility test to pass before having children .....just like grades in schools

[@shashamarie4760]

Listening to this in bed, with my husband sleeping. He doesn't care. I wish i chose differently. He scares me.

[@EvieVermont]

Find a way to get out

[@akn9780]

Are you safe?

[@shashamarie4760]

@akn9780 yes. I just get scared when he yells. I can feel it inside my body. It's not on a daily basis, but when we argue, it's loud.

[@akn9780]

@@shashamarie4760 that is terrible.. .I'm sorry that you have to feel this way... have you tried walking away when he is like that? I equate this behavior to a toddler. When they having a tantrum ... its best to let them know that they need to calm down first and then you will speak to him. Remove yourself , you can't control his behavior, only yours..

[@SevenAnomone224]

Get a plan. Get out.

[@susieq8008]

My dad was a mean SOB and when he flew off the handle we all scattered, so I've learned to "read" the vibes coming from people. My husband, who is my world began having a very hard time with stress and depression after our children grew up and moved. I knew it was his job, but it certainly didn't make me feel any better once it started happening here at home. When he came home I would try to listen for a while then go out back to the porch with my dogs, but then it crept into anything I was doing he didn't want it done that way or he would viciously say to do it his way. One day I finally cried and told him how much it scared me. He is 6'1" and I'm 5'1" and I was frightened by the intensity of his anger with him towering over me . He began coming home not yelling and complaining about every little thing, and if he does begin complaining, he says to me that he is going to stop before it leads down a dark path. Thank GOD he is a good man and realizes I carry the trauma of having an abusive father which made him stop. He has learned to tell me of his frustration at work in more reasonable tones without turning it on me.

[@Skeijeindi]

Yesterday we were in the supermarket, he was taking some bread for him and struggled to put it in the plastic bag, I helped him but I didn't help him the way he wanted (I don't know how he wanted it) and so he rolled his eyes. I am not his slave so I told him to not roll his eyes at me for something like this. His answer then was to leave the supermarket without me and went home and said he lock the door leaving the key in. We were moving house and I am already in the new one, so he knows I have a place to go, but all this was very very hurtful. I don't need all this extra pain he gives me

[@MirjamPeij]

Rolling eyes is so disrespectful. Please respect yourself always.

[@vaska1999]

Why are you tolerating this? Why are you staying with someone who behaves like that towards you?

[@soliferi]

narcissist. hope u left :/

[@MrsJFJ]

Rolling eyes. Whatever. Immature. Some people grow up in marriage. Leaving to go home? Unacceptable. At the end of the day, a peaceful home should be the goal. So how does everyone get to peace? You aren’t his answer to peace. He needs peace about who he is, but he needs to look to the right source of his peace.

[@vaska1999]

@@MrsJFJ Talk about babying men, including psychologically abusive ones. You've now made it all about what HE needs, as he goes about disrespecting and humiliating his wife.

[@user-os1kc8hf8r]

This is my life constantly. He yells all the time.. to the point that I get so anxious.

[@bonstermonster78nonstop19]

I lived it also

[@user-os1kc8hf8r]

@@bonstermonster78nonstop19 , 😔

[@marcyev9462]

This hits home so hard. Going through this now and it describes my husband to a T. I am getting things ready to leave. I cannot put my kids through this.

[@ShepherdforK9S]

I just asked my husband to leave until he gets help for this problem. He throws things and scares kids and I always end up cleaning his messes. It’s been going on for many years. I told him I don’t want violence in my house ANYMORE!!!!!!!!

[@juliedunne5250]

Same here in same boat I live here in ireland

[@aurapajaijarat6525]

I am someone who yells. I lash out when I'm stressed. If it weren't for my sister crying on one particular day, I wouldn't have known how bad my yelling had an effect on other people. Even though I still do that sometimes, but it's a lot less then before. My sister helped me by sincerely showing me how much it had affected her.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

My mother yelled at us. Her dad yelled at her. My husband yells at me (and AT me, too) it is very frustrating. For my husband, I am always afraid he may snap and get violent. He hasn’t yet, but he has thrown things and it makes me nervous. He has calmed down a little as he has aged but he quickly reacts to anything he takes as a slight or if he doesn’t like how his life is going. It is difficult to continuously let things roll off

[@isabelwall1714]

❤❤❤

[@vaska1999]

Find a technique to avoid yelling. It may be walking out of the room/house till you've calmed down, or counting to 30 before you say another word, or going to another room and throwing soft pillows around until you've got that anger out of you (make sure to tidy up before you exit that room, though).

[@vaska1999]

You know you never yell at your boss or your colleagues. Have the same respect for your family members.

[@SamSpray-jg9hz]

What a lunatic. I can't imagine screaming at people and expecting them to just handle it and being surprised when someone broke and started crying.

[@LVGirl4]

I bet this video is going to help a whole LOT of people. Thank you so much, John, for this video. Such good advice. Very impactful.

[@Laura-ns6ys]

My father would scream in my face like this as a young elementary child. I have soo much anger towards my stupid parents for thinking this was okay.

[@erickkisreal9398]

same

[@3roachkidsdhe]

My husband yells at me and demeans me in front of the kids. I love my kids so much. It’s so depressing sometimes.

[@isabellalora6533]

😥😥😥😞

[@EnglishSave-p5c]

My husband treat with lady neighbor very nice, he yelled at me all the time, i am very tired with him.

[@myraramirez7384]

Im very sorry to hear that.😢 I understand what you feel. It’s not you, it’s him. We have to demand a little respect sometimes.

[@leela7366]

I hope you find the help you need to be safe and provide your precious children with the stable, emotionally and mentally safe environment that they desperately need to grow and thrive. Sadly they will either repeat or accept this same behavior in their future relationships. You have the opportunity to break the cycle. Maybe family and marriage counseling could be a first step? 🙏🥹

[@createone100]

@@EnglishSave-p5cMake a plan to leave him.

[@maryrekar2150]

This is my life with my husband and my kids growing up to a tee. It has affected myself and my daughters for sure during 45 years of marriage. I sought help also. So sad that we have to be on edge in our own homes.

[@indyy_G]

My ex was abusive. It’s almost 2 years after we split & it’s still hard for me to fully accept I was a victim. I too internally want to defend him & how good of a person he was, but when it came down to it, his anger & explosions were scary and I didn’t feel safe living with him. He never hit me, but I couldn’t express myself if what I was saying wasn’t “agreeable” & he belittled and dismissed my needs. An adult throwing temper tantrums is something I hope I don’t witness ever again in a partner. I had never been in such an unhealthy mental space & things were getting worse. Glad I got out when I did.

[@sharondunstan3619]

My husband yells every time hes doing something that doesn't go smoothly. Then he demands that i help him in such a way that i dont want to be in the home with him. I believe he learnt how to speak to me from his dad who speaks very rudely to my mother in law

[@vaska1999]

Your staying in such a marriage enables his abusive behaviour. 😐

[@Chels-fz5uq]

@@vaska1999 as if just up and leaving is easy . She is not accountable for his behavior. He is an adult and would change if he wanted to. She has no control over his decisions. Do not victim blame. Should she leave? Yes. Does not leaving make her responsible for his continued behavior? Absolutely not!

[@vaska1999]

@@Chels-fz5uq She's accountable for her own actions and choices, such as the choice to stay in such a marriage and enable such behaviour.

[@EvieVermont]

Yup. Recently I started conversations with “He is a nice enough person” and I said it to 4 friends in 2 days. He is right. And it took me years and years to see this as a huge deal. Get out while you can.

[@mariamayub212]

I grew up in an abusive and took the rile of my mom's protector, even sending my dad to jail for trying to harm her when I was young. As a result, I avoided marriage like it's a poison and feel safe when I'm alone. It does have a lasting impact on your life.

[@Sahmlife37]

I’m happy this came up on my feed. I grew up in a home with a parent who screamed all the time. When I started dating my husband at 22 we had our first fight. He told me afterwards that our relationship would be over if I yelled at him like that again because that’s not how to communicate in a healthy relationship. All my flabbers were ghasted! He has helped me become such a better person because of this. I’m not perfect, but man I’m a lot better. Been married over 10 years now:)

[@swimcalgal]

I am just now starting to wake up to the abuse of the screaming, yelling, and temper tantrums from the man I was in a six year relationship with. This relationship has been over for 8 years and it’s just now hitting me. It is extremely traumatic and I realize how much it hurt me. Wow.

[@marthaMGEA]

I’m having this too in a 8 year relationship! I don’t know what to do anymore

[@creature57]

She's making excuses for him from the start. OMG! They both need counseling for different reasons. NO-ONE needs to yell - EVER! It's abuse, plain and simple.

[@salty7602]

She’s embarrassed

[@CraftyStayAtHomeMama]

This behavior is exactly why I recently left my husband. The one difference is that he yelled at me and the kids. We constantly apologized for his behavior to others. We intentionally do not plan things with the kids friends when he is home (he is an over the road truck driver). We were always on eggshells. He has been diagnosed with PTSD (I think it is actually CPTSD), but he doesn‘t feel like he needs help. My body has actually been more relaxed since we left and my brain is finally coming around. I stayed way too long and feel so guilty over what this has taught my kids. We have a lot of healing to do. Thank you so much for your videos.

[@lifestylebyrachel]

I agree 100% with Dr. John. The whole family is walking on eggshells. I was in a similar circumstance where I didn’t realize that I was being emotionally abused until a therapist enlightened me. I move on from that relationship. I wonder how his behavior impacts their intimacy., love and tenderness?. Seems like a lack of respect. Iff he doesn’t change, after 20 long years consider moving on. I also felt that she was sugar coating their relationship and that most likely there times when anger is at her and her kids.

[@joesillamanrs7189]

Can’t tolerate that at all. He needs help.

[@zee-zm1io]

I’m proud of all the women that are managing to identify poor behaviour early. I also received that radioactive silent treatment. I left within a month. He couldn’t believe it 😂

[@rerungirl]

Love that for you

[@KayemKarihinga]

I wish I left the first time he gave me that silent treatment. But managed to leave after 3 months

[@icecremeswirlieeee]

He was shocked you left because all the girls before you just put up with it. For once, he was seeing consequences for treating somebody like that.

[@wenchyfoodwench4098]

I wouldn’t put up with it. I don’t. Everyone has a bad moment now and then but I’d never tolerate that on a regular basis.

[@vaska1999]

I still recoil when I remember a verbal fight between my parents in which my father hurled a heavy crystal ornament at my mother. And then called me "a hysterical child" for screaming in fear. Both I and my sister wish they'd divorced.

[@lithiumike]

Dr Delony is spot on about someone making feelings feel like they don't matter being a big cause of that.

[@beebeelicious]

John is right.

[@kellharris2491]

The daughters left and the Mom is alone with this raging beast.

[@NeccoWecco]

She's doing a lot of apologizing for his behavior. I'm sure this isn't the only issue

[@MoveForward96]

She's scared he will hear this.

[@NeccoWecco]

@@MoveForward96 Absolutely. I lived that life. Glad I never had kids with that person! Cut ties and walked free.

[@MoveForward96]

@@NeccoWecco I am sorry to hear that, nobody deserves to live life that way!;) I'm 26 and would feel awful of I made another human feel this way

[@NeccoWecco]

@@MoveForward96 Dr. Delony said in another video that 'living with the fear that something can go off at any moment is violence' and he is absolutely correct. If you ever feel like you need to change yourself and walk on eggshells around someone, find someone else 💖 Relationships with friends, family, partners should be uplifting and safe.

[@amydoran9987]

If she’s making excuses for him,he’s much worse than she’s letting on.

[@sunkist3304]

I would hate to live in a home where my husband yells all the time… how horrible is that.

[@lizaw.7313]

Everyone is imperfect and if you are married your spouse has their imperfections as well.

[@sunkist3304]

I am married and my husband does have imperfections. I’m happy verbal abuse is not one of them.

[@katrina3560]

@@lizaw.7313 What was your intent in disposing that "advice"?

[@chuckbizzert9098]

Did you ever think that you are the problem?

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

I doubt it’s all the time . It’s when he was frustrated. Unfortunately many people have unhealthy coping mechanisms that don’t involve yelling but they can be every bit as damaging .

[@FCate900]

John is correct. And this should absolutely not be tolerated!

[@ember13dp]

This is my situation, but with my mom! I'm grown and moved out and married now, and when I'm at her house and she starts yelling about something, I leave. I grew up not being able to leave the situation, (wasn't even allowed to shut my door) so you bet your butt I'm not sticking around for it any more.

[@thattitus2life]

Funny how when they are frustrated… depends on where they are how well they can choose to control it.

[@marthaMGEA]

Yeah my bf yells at me but won’t yell that the women in work who he’s annoyed with but yet I’m an easy target

[@FCate900]

​@@marthaMGEATime to set some boundaries, girlfriend. And stick to them. Just like in this video. This is a cycle that FAR too many of the male species are ALLOWED to get away with. And if you give them an inch, trust me, they WILL take a mile. ... Set your boundary when you both are calm. Be calm and explicitly clear with him about it and how it will drive you away. Then STICK TO IT REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE TRIES TO SAY! Most men will only listen to actions.

[@bpprod99]

I bet you’re the most perfect well mannered man on earth John you got all the answers

[@opulentelephant9532]

Thank you for this video. I have been homeschooling and working from home since the pandemic started, and when I am stressed or frustrated or upset or feeling unheard, I immediately jump to yelling. I hate this part about myself. It is a very hard thing to control and to change. Hearing your advice about this topic is very helpful. Each day I pray to be more kind, calm, and patient. I do not want my daughters to grow up remembering a mom that just always yelled. Truly, thank you for this video :)

[@blueseptember2174]

Such a good reminder for everyone. Thank you.

[@MirjamPeij]

Count to 10 in your head before you react

[@BrittanyHunter-f6w]

Gosh, this is me. I grew up with two yelling, fighting, bickering parents, and it was the only way I learned how to communicate. So glad to know there are others, and also for the accountability.

[@Openingtheshadow]

My siblings are expected to be responsible for the emotions of my mother. I cut her off two years ago, not out of spite, but out of my need to heal. One day I’ll reach out, but it won’t be to have my mom back, more out of the kindness of my heart snd sadness that her soul can’t see the damage she’s doing and has done and wishful thinking she will change. So many kids go through this, and it damages you in ways you can’t imagine. But when you’re an adult, it’s time to be responsible for the damage someone else did to you, it’s time to grow and you get to decide who gets to be in your life and if you will repeat the patterns or break the cycle…

[@darralansman9895]

When I describe my husband's angry abusive behaviors in couples counseling, why won't a therapist speak to it, to him, as directly as you do? We've seen 10 counselors in our 7 1/2 yrs. of marriage. Only 4 have been willing to address him directly with it. Even then, only one has said, " This has to stop, before any couples issues are solved, this behavior HAS TO STOP!" He's a good liar. He denies the problem, makes excuses, says he's "overly assertive," blames me for causing his behavior, etc. I leave the session feeling dismissed, unheard, guilty, or overly dramatic. As one counselor said, "Well, it may or may not be abuse!" My husband can be intimidating and manipulative. Are therapists afraid to confront him?

[@gabuko_web_studio]

You don't have to tolerate abusive, ever. You are worthy of respect and kindness. Communicate your boundaries. If the other person ignores your boundaries, they don't care about you. Love yourself and leave.

[@yivmaiden]

It's abusive. You deserve better.

[@darralansman9895]

I know it's abusive! It's taken me years to figure out nothing I can do will affect change until he decides to do something different. My question is, why are therapists so hesitant to address it?

[@yivmaiden]

@@darralansman9895 they may not be well versed in NPD type? But the issue is not with your husband nor your therapist. The issue here is with your own long term well being and safety and whether you are still willing to put up with the situation.

[@darralansman9895]

@yivmaiden You're right, like I said, it's taken me thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in counseling to understand that. We've been separated 8 mo. and I recently filed for divorce. In the realm of abuse counseling, there's a saying, "there is no mutually of 'fault'" It only takes one person to destroy a marriage.

[@EdithMcKinsley-n4m]

There is no excuse for uncontrollable anger especially when the husband is aware that his rage is upsetting the wife and the children. It's scary when the wife and children have to listen to him. Venting anger like this is extremely immature. This husband needs to get some anger management counselling. If he doesn't and continues with his angry outbursts then he is damaging his marriage and gradually the wife and family will lose respect for him.He needs to also understand that he is putting dangerous stress on his family and himself. This is NOT loving behaviour. He needs to change and if he truly loves his wife and family he will get the help he needs to learn a better way. If he doesn't like being disrespected then he shouldn't be disrespecting his wife and children.

[@Reallifejones]

Silence is the only way to protect my emotions sometimes.

[@Radam89]

I walked on eggshells for 3 years with my ex. It was exhausting and I didn’t want to tell others because they would judge her, because I thought one day she would get better She did not want to change, even when I communicated how her reactions made me feel and changed the atmosphere of our home. It was always somebody else or something else’s fault. Leaving her was extremely difficult, especially as I was living abroad so my support network (who we’re all telling me to leave her) were a flight away, I had invested so much emotionally, time-wise and financially to try and make the relationship work and it felt like a failure. Not for one second since I left her do I regret leaving. I regret sticking around for years trying to make it work, but I never think it would be better to still be there.

[@swimcalgal]

Not only did I deal with the yelling, screaming and temper tantrums from two relationships, my stepfather did this to me daily for 12 long years.😢

[@EsthersTreasures]

I think the silent passive person is bad too- imagine having a parent or spouse who has no response, no communication and doesn’t care. Also I would get a physical every year- so many health issues lead to temperament issues. It’s real

[@NeccoWecco]

There are multiple forms of neglect and abuse. Absent parenting is also neglect.

[@chuckbizzert9098]

Silent- passive people never acknowledge that their the problem.

[@JordanEvansMusic]

Yeah yelling is rampant on both sides of my family. I grew up with my dad always yelling and just made a decision that I wouldn’t. I’ve literally never yelled in my life or felt the need to. Any confrontation or struggle I can handle with reason and effective communication. I feel like if I ever did yell I would feel so foolish and embarrassed it just doesn’t mKe any sense that you can’t control your emotions

[@lozannevanniekerk5489]

My husband is also yelling and taking is stress out on me . I own and are going to inherit my dads home. I am just going to keep quiet and take him out of my will . If I die before him he gets nothing . He will not be able to buy his own home . I am tired of his attitudes towards me he is not even sorry. He has to learn to deal with stress in a healthier way or rather just keep quiet. My husband cannot cope with anything as a adult . Moody and sour he even yells at his father if his father calls him twice in a row he is rude and makes life very unpleasant. I keep quiet when I am stressed don't take it out on others

[@anthill1510]

You want to take him out of your will but not out of your life? Do you have less than three months to live or something? Because that`s the only way it would make sense to not take him out of your life right now. You know, when you are still living and can enjoy the fruits of the actions you took.

[@MirjamPeij]

Taking your husband out of your will? He may contest that since he is married to you. Why not divorce him?

[@vaska1999]

What on Earth are you waiting for?! You're planning to stay in that hell and then take your revenge after you die, instead of divorcing him now and having serenity and peace for the rest of your life? WHY?!!!!

[@bethanybrowne3808]

Having to spend so much time justifying what an amazing guy this guy is for two minutes is a massive red flag....

[@darciee.7337]

I agree.

[@robertatkins272]

Weak. Men deal with stress differently. He is probably not even fully aware of how harsh he comes off.

[@TheAdhdGardener]

Ima yeller when under stress/frustrated😑. It strained my relationship too cuz id yell at my significant other as well. Grew up in a yelling household but only recently did I realize that yelling is totally inappropriate😮‍💨 I try my best now to NOT yell n catch myself when feeling really frustrated. Healthy coping mechanisms need to be learned n fortunately I've learned that now

[@TheAdhdGardener]

@@lukefisch9483 I'm assuming u didn't comprehend my comment stating I don't do that anymore besides I don't need u telling me squat what to do cuz u certainly didn't come at me correctly and offer anything positive to be helpful

[@lukefisch9483]

@@TheAdhdGardener I was verbally abused my entire life: sorry and it wasn’t about u

[@hansonallie]

Couldn’t deal w/ that.

[@roofieandraggy16]

There are 2 sides to every story. My ex tells me the same shit. The problem is i can go back to the day everything when she started pulling away and she was blowing off my affection and stopped having sex with me.

[@yosoyroman875]

I know this is about her. But my ex fiancé did this, yelled and swore at me…and much more. And I just accepted it as it just became normal. One day I realized we couldn’t have any children, because this is exactly what he would do to them. If I couldn’t stand it, how could they? Then I thought what a terrible mother and person I would be to allow that…then hell. I should’ve done it then, but I could no longer be indenial as I was previously

[@reeree8712]

This right here makes me keep moving on from my abusive husband. Knowing him for almost 40 year's. Only married 2 years. I can't anymore.

[@hommy1614]

How would this behavior go over in the workplace? His co-workers would not tell each other to leave him alone until his mood improved or just try to ignore it. They would not justify his tantrums to his manager. He has had to exercise self-control in public spheres.

[@jordanbyates]

Sounds like ol buddy needs to rent an office lol

[@spernev989]

I thought it was better for the kids to try and stay in the relationship but the yelling was constant. Even the dog gets yelled at. I decided after 25yrs I would leave and then I became sick and now disabled so now I depend on him more. My kids are starting to leave the nest and they know that his behaviour is not correct. These kids rather sit and discuss an issue rather than getting into someone’s face and yelling, they have never been like that.

[@midishh]

I don't believe he doesn't yell at his fam

[@orphanedhanyou]

If he is super bottled up, the work tantrums may be the only place the husband releases

[@maryann7619]

IDK. My dad never yelled at me, but really laid into my brothers. It left me shaking and sick to my stomach. I didn't know how to process what was happening.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

Yeah. My hubby does what she says and he also snaps at me and the kids. I dont believe her!

[@angelssupreme]

My husband shouts at me, it's got worse since he took early retirement. I hate it, he makes me so anxious, but it's difficult to know what to do

[@oleandra3759]

Hi, I’m curious why that is because you’d think that he’d be less stressed without work pressures. Is it because he feels directionless? Not making excuses for him, just wondering what could be fuelling it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[@margareth1504]

Tell him to go back to work. Tell him he will be happier working like he was before. Tell him some people just need to work to be a part of the work environment.

[@MirjamPeij]

Make sure you have your friends and hobbies. Work on what makes you happy. Keep busy and enjoy being you.

[@FCate900]

This video literally explains what to do.

[@mattmonteith2175]

U said the right words. As adults. We get help because we know what we can' be. my dad and I can never have a open father and son honest chat I still can't so I chat with god inside

[@GlowElevatedOfficial]

My husband yells at me sometimes like an army sargeant major. He’s a big man so it’s intimidating. Makes me and our children flinch. He’ll slam doors, slam his laptop shut which makes us all jump. Put his fist through a wall a couple of times in our early marriage. He’s never ever hit me or our children. After 20 years of his ‘Mr Hyde outbursts’ I’m so worn down I now react really angrily myself to his tantrums and then don’t want him any way near me. But you can’t just “disconnect” and leave when you have 3 kids under 9 yrs! When he’s back to being ‘Dr Jeckell’ he’s lovely. Mr Hyde however i find intolerable. Night and day. I’ve done all the talk suggested in this video, plus said how I feel I’m walking on eggshells. it’s always temporarily better until Mr Hyde rears his head again.

[@SRoseBlog]

😢 story of my life

[@thecurious926]

I am sure you are perfect

[@MirjamPeij]

Yes I don't understand either why John said to leave the house. Your own home. Why doesn't the husband have to leave??? He's the one with the problem. I think the husband is given way too much power and control this way.

[@sweetpeach3293]

​@@thecurious926 What is your point? Every one has flaws. It doesn't mean they deserve to be abused.

[@sweetpeach3293]

​@@thecurious926 What is your point? Every one has flaws. It doesn't mean they deserve to be abused.

[@cess4089]

I’m totally guilty of this. I have a hard time regulating my emotions. Definitely a learned behavior in my family for sure and I also feel helpless against it sometimes. I have gotten better over the years but I still need lots of improvement. Some days I seem to be able to handle it. Other days I feel like I’m on a hair trigger and I hate that about myself. On those days I just try to isolate if I can so I don’t blow up all over my family. It’s hard. But I’m still baby stepping towards emotional stability.

[@blueseptember2174]

This is so relatable. It's never gonna be a destination you reach. Keep your consistent practices in place that'll keep you in check. Alot more of us are just like you. Would've been so much easier as children if we just grew up in peaceful homes right? Lol. But we got this. You can do it!

[@Kim_Monique]

Just say what you have to say without shouting. Simple

[@cess4089]

@@Kim_Monique simple doesn’t equal easy. Developing frustration tolerances is, in fact, intensely difficult. However, yes it is simple.

[@Kim_Monique]

@@cess4089 wow it's mind over matter. 100% we have to know when to breathe

[@aramisy.cajigas744]

When he sung "Amandi!" that was the melody of "O Sifuni Mngu" a Swahili Christian song. Classic!

[@icecremeswirlieeee]

Thank you Mandy.

[@jenniferAKABUT]

So true Dr John! I was severely abused by a partner and after my friends address it and hounded me to leave!

[@timizo691]

I grew up in a home with yelling. Three men and mom in a household. We were the kind of family that would shout to try to be heard. I think anxiety brought it out in me. My brother was the same way. I have never known anything different. I am definitely someone who is most of the time calm and quiet. When that fight or flight response hits me it definitely comes out in yelling and shouting. I definitely got bad after my wife got breast cancer. I was so scared that she was going to die. Not having any control put my fight or flight into overdrive. It’s at times like a reflex. That lizard brain just takes control. Afterwards I feel very guilty. I’m trying to learn how to become more aware of my emotions so I can keep my logical part of my brain in control. I know it will be something I have to work on for the rest of my life.

[@elainepatterson5587]

Preach, preach, preach, Dr John!!

[@ConstanceCrowley]

What's hard when you're in a relationship with someone who yells and flies into a rage unexpectedly is the fact the person can be charming and kind and CAN control his anger when he's around others. When behind closed doors, the worst behavior comes out. I'm talking about my husband who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder 17 1/2 years ago. Holding onto hope and praying he would change and be kind to me only caused me more pain.

[@peacepeace5788]

I have this problem before I get married but I’m working on myself to be more quiet and take time for myself alone

[@MirjamPeij]

My guess is he will not care that she leaves the house. He will feel so much power and in control. Why doesn't HE leave the house to calm down?

[@SevenAnomone224]

Because you can't change people or take action on their behalf. All your doing is dictating to him what to do. Never do that with a person in anger. Take the action you can, ir you'll be sat in the house waiting forever for him to comply.

[@the-scorpio]

Great video! You have a new subscriber! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I have a similar situation. My dad never had any anger issues, but my husband does! His father have had an anger issues and his mother as well. His parents abused him mentally and physically, when he was a little boy. Now I have to handle all that consequences and I’m suffering. My husband loves to blame me for everything, he yells every day, not only at me, but for an example he yells at car drivers when he drives, he even yells at his employees sometimes. He is a good man and caring husband. He is a good provider, but sometimes it’s too much for me to handle when he yells!! Also I found out I became the yelling person myself. I don’t like it. It’s not my nature! It’s a very good advice to leave a room when he yells but where you can hide if you’re with him in the car for hours? I tried to use my headphones, he doesn’t like it, he feels offended. But he’s okay with his yelling. I’m working from home and we go places together all the time! He’s always saying you’re stock with me forever. I’m your only husband forever, etc. You better don’t even think about leaving me. I don’t like his voice’s tone when he says that! We were married 10 years ago and my husband’s behavior was okay, not so bad. But there were a few red flags already. Now the things are much worse! I will be heartbroken, if the divorce is only an option. Because I’m the Christian and I thought I will be married only once. But to live a stressful life is not an option either! I got so many health problems, because of this stress. I feel unhappy! But I still love him! It’s so hard! I will try to use your advices, Dr. Delony. I hope it will help. Maybe I will show this video to him. Thank you!

[@TogetherForeverOct09]

I find that my spouse had a parent who did terrible things to him and his brothers. So now sometimes he will explode on our children. Who are 7 and under. Putting expectations on them they he as an adult wouldn’t do or hold. But calling them names, yelling “what is wrong with you” to our 20 month old. Using choice words and it’s heartbreaking. If I step in on him freaking out at them he gets mad at me for not being behind him or putting divide between us and the kids. Do I just sit back and let him treat them like trash while his throwing his adult fit? I don’t tell my parents or friends the way I feel cause I don’t want them to think of him badly. But I feel soo stuck. I love him to death, but I can’t handle the crazy rages.

[@beachbaby1427]

​@@TogetherForeverOct09don't put up with it! I live forever with questions and regret. My husband yelled at our kids also. He would hide the extent of it by doing it while I was at work. If I questioned him about something he would downplay the entire thing. He would yell at me as well when we were arguing. It usually shut it down for me because he was trying to out yell me to shut down the fight. It usually worked. I remember one time when our oldest son came in the house as a pre teen. I could tell something was wrong and asked him what was going on. He said his dad had just told him he hated him. When I confronted my husband he said , no I told him I hated how he was doing something (I think he was helping to push a truck. I spoke to a counselor when the kids were younger and she said you don't leave because of words. I wish I would have. We lost our oldest son in a single car accident almost 4 years ago. He was 21. I feel like I failed him. If I had left with the kids maybe things would have turned out differently. I will live with that forever. I know his dad has regrets too but we don't talk about that. I shoulder mine but he has to live with the way he treated him. We are still married, 29 years soon. There have been many times I've fantasized about taking my other two and leaving him but I don't. He doesn't scream like that anymore but I mentally checked out years ago. I wished I'd have done something all those years ago. Don't make the same mistake. Leave for your kids! It is abuse!

[@Flash3-22]

Oh heavens. I held back lots of worries, concerns for years. My husband has yelled at neighbors and intimidated me to be quiet and not raise specific issues. After I filed a DVPO and he later stated he would never hurt me, I felt safe to raise my voice and yell at him.. He pushed buttons, bringing up a relationship with a woman - etc Last time he went over the boundaries again, and blamed me for her telling him not to be around her child. OMG I yelled and screamed at him on the phone - he had called me late at night and woke me up.

[@Timbertrussminifarm]

My husband does this when he gets stressed..weather it’s from work or life. I hate walking on eggshells. He just says “this is how I am now”. He has blown up at me 3x in the past 3 weeks & not a single “Im sorry”. Last time he said “it’s you, you always try to control everything”…basically he feels like his whole world is collapsing & if I make a decision..he labels me controlling.

[@JerryStevens]

The fact that she doesn't see it in his dad may not mean much. My maternal grandparents were very soft-spoken and loving when they visited us as kids. I learned as an adult that my mother and her brother were traumatized by the yelling they grew up with.

[@christinao8877]

He could have high blood pressure and/or need his heart checked. Working in a business environment isn’t rainbows and butterflies that’s why men often develop high blood pressure later in life. I often hear people say “I love working from home” but do the other people in the house love it? No.

[@blitzkrieg6872]

No it's not ok. My husband does this simply because he can. Because he has all the power. He will continue doing it and I will continue hating his guts. That is the natural result.

[@hawihawi9260]

What is wrong with me!? I thought he was going to say he isn't yelling at u, it's work related so stay out of it!? This made me question my whole understanding of emotion and abused?

[@RissaFaith94]

I once called off a talking phase with a guy not because he struggled with anger, but because whenever he talked about it, he placed the responsibility for managing his anger on someone else (his mom, his future partner, etc.). I grew up walking on eggshells and managing other people's emotions, and I have no interest in doing that in a lifelong romantic relationship. Fast forward two years or so, and I'm moving strongly in the direction of marriage with a guy who's gentle, considerate, and a good communicator (not just with me, but with others in his life), and takes feedback well (not always agreeing with it, but always showing respect for the person giving it). He's my safe place, and I try my best to be his, as well. That's the kind of relationship I want. Conflict is always going to happen eventually, especially in marriage, so it's EXTREMELY important that both of you have the skills and self-awareness to navigate it maturely and not just let your trauma responses rule the day.

[@gretaeder5996]

This hit so close to home I cried a little. I got married 11 months ago and while I love my husband, I hate how he yells and gets frustrated and throws things when he’s upset. He has never ever hurt me or directed it at me, but he yells at our cats or throws objects around. Like the caller, I immediately shut down. I cringe and flinch and shrink in on myself. He notices and gets upset saying “you’re acting like I’m abusing you, have I ever laid a finger on you?” Which no, and I trust him about that. He also questions “what, am I not allowed to have emotions? Am I not allowed to be angry?” But I try to explain to him that what you do in that anger matters and that tone of voice is important and affects me the most. Your actions are the overflow of your heart.. And ever since we were dating, I would talk about his issues he knew he needed to work on but I would almost apologize and make excuses for it too… and think “well maybe it’s not that bad and I’m demanding too much because he is really stressed.” But this was a slap in the face to remember that no, it’s not okay. My parents divorced when I was little. My dad never physically abused my mom but he was verbally abusive and would give the silent treatment so that’s another reason I’m so sensitive to tone of voices. And I get scared thinking about “what if my husband’s aggression turns on me and our kids someday? Especially if he already directs it on our cats…” But I appreciated John’s compassion because the yelling and aggression is definitely a trauma response from my husband. He grew up in an abusive and extreme church that shut him down for being more wild than his sisters. They stifled and silenced him and called him evil. He still hasn’t healed from all that hurt and anger and still struggles with certain churches today. So I’m glad while I can call out the action of “hey, you’re doing this childish and abusive thing that has always affected me for years” I can still be gracious by saying “I know you’re hurting and having a difficult time, but that still doesn’t make the aggression okay.” Now how to encourage my husband listen to this video and truly process what is being said… lol

[@mariep.2004]

You can't "encourage" him to do anything. The fact that aggression is his first response to you setting boundaries and telling him that his behavior is inappropriate tells you everything you need to know: he doesn't care about you because he doesn't care how his behavior affects you, and even worse - he DOES NOT care to change that. He's an adult, he knows exactly what he's doing, even if he wants to pretend otherwise. If you don't have kids with this guy, get out before you do. I grew up with a dad like that and a spineless mom who just let it happen, and we have no relationship as a result. I also dated someone like that, and now thank God every day that I got out in a year rather than wasting my whole life drowning in someone else's chaos, abuse, gaslighting, and lame excuses for why they choose to do what they're doing. Best of luck to you.

[@inovermyhead2988]

Please consider reading the book “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It could be helpful.

[@BlendedBarbieDoll]

Honest question, what do you do when the person who yells 1. Doesn’t think they are yelling 2. Denies they are yelling 3. Obviously, does not believe what they are doing is an issue because they don’t believe they yell or justify their yelling A realistic approach

[@FCate900]

You are being gaslit. So you simply tell him that his "opinion" is different from your actual experience. And your experience with his yelling is valid. You then set a clear boundary, like in the video. And if that boundary is crossed, you stick to it, with no mercy, regardless of his "opinion." Trust me, he knows darn well it's yelling.

[@SevenAnomone224]

Leave. You can't change others. You can only take control of what you want your life to look like. ❤❤

[@SP-sd7dh]

That woman is like describing my husband.

[@shashamarie4760]

I'm sorry. Me too. 😢

[@JenniferVanMatreMissouriUSA]

This my husband except he yells at me and 17 yo daughter 😢

[@BG-nm5xt]

Yes! OMG! He needs to stop or he needs to get out! He's Not the greatest person, blah, blah, blah, don't make excuses for his causing the family trauma for years!

[@woke2025]

Thanks John , i have a friend that keeps yelling at everything . I find it stressful.

[@kilofox11]

Sooo... I spent many years with counselors and Doctors to help me get over my yelling and temper tantrums. I could go from normal to screaming and throwing or breaking stuff at the drop of a hat. It wasn't until my current wife accompanied me to an appointment and explained how quick I went from zero to sixty. I could never convince a Doctor how fast it happened. It was only when that a collaboration between my wife and the Doctor diagnosed me with intermittent explosive disorder and got me on meds. My outbursts are now extremely infrequent, and the intensity and duration are much less.

[@blueseptember2174]

Did you get divorced over this? As you say current wife. I'm about to be divorced(abusive, cheating etc) and I can see my husband changing but not til after.

[@kilofox11]

@@blueseptember2174 I did divorce as indicated by referencing my current wife, however, this was not the cause. I ended the previous marriage for other reasons.