Caroline's Cancer Journal - Episode 2

I’m still struggling with the bad choices in front of us, any of which will determine how long Caroline will be with us, how much comfort or peace she can have, and our comfort/peace/sanity around it all. I am nothing but a collection of flip-flopping decisions which hide the enormity of what’s waiting at the end of any of them…sorrow. Big, unreachable, scary sorrow. And all along, trying to remember…this isn’t about me. This is Caroline’s Journal, but it’s our journey. And I’m grateful that you’re here with me.
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[@kathybailey3226]

My daughter in law found a dying abandoned cat. He had endstage feline aids. The vet lasered off the gingival tumors, and I took him for the 5 to 6 weeks he had left for hospice care. Hobbes managed to live 2 years before his body became full of tumors. He was such a joy. His death sent me to see a therapist to help handle the overwhelming grief. No regrets here. I am thankful to have those beautiful 2 years with him! Sending many prayers.

[@sylviekins]

That was amazing- what a special time for that little cat❤

[@nadineerickson-lo3gx]

You are an Angel

[@kitcobain444]

God bless you always. You are a wonderful person with great love and compassion. 💜

[@SomeoneLikeYou186]

I bet those two years Hobbes had with you were the best of his life ❤🥹 I had a senior dog for only the last 28 days of his life. It was painful, but worth every second.

[@elizabethcloutman8913]

Bless you! You gave sweet Hobbes two years of pure love, love he returned in full! Thank you!

[@gailsnodgrass5880]

Your decision will be based on love of Caroline and what you believe is best for her. Caroline will thank you.

[@leighlong5447]

Well said!

[@lesliebray8114]

No one could say it any better ! ❤❤❤

[@roxannedunlop1044]

It's great to know what the options are and what will be acceptable for both you and your cat. That's what it comes down to. So sorry you are having to face this sad situation. Will keep you all in my thoughts!

[@GrannyChewy]

Your love for her truly shines through.

[@user-jc8bz3qu1t]

Your bond with Caroline will help you decide what’s best for her. She trusts you and knows how much you love her. I send you comfort during this hard time and will keep you all in my thoughts.

[@pamsing4601]

Just here offering my sympathy as a cat mom who just lost my 20 year old tabby bestie. ❤ to the end, my friend ❤

[@carlaeskelsen]

❤️‍🩹

[@user-gr4wr8xm2h]

💚

[@melonyreesemc1658]

So sorry for the loss of your baby 😢

[@GrannyLinn]

It’s SO hard, and we have to do it over and over. Yet they’re worth it. I can’t imagine life without kitties.

[@litost]

i agree with you, is one of the hardest things on life

[@toriless]

He has to do it more than most since he has so many. It is one more reason I may keep only 2 cats. If they were not so bonded I would consider fostering but I just do not have a room I can isolate given their habits plus I am sure they might get insecure. They use all viable spaces.

[@Hellofa6ird]

I can't - after my last loss I can't.

[@GrannyLinn]

@@Hellofa6ird I say that every time. Then the next one (or 3) will show up.

[@oaba35]

“Caroline looks like Caroline” really hit home for me, Jackson. My sweet girl Maya looked like Maya up until the day we found out she had cancer and the next day, I had to let her go. It was unbelievable. I know how you feel. Cancer effing sucks.

[@Brigada91RealBriggy]

As an extremely empathic person and a cat guardian myself, I hate to see things like this. Suffering with you! We are here to show you some love, brother.

[@adelyna89]

I don't consider myself a very empathic person, I'm usually more direct and blunt than having great bedtable manners. However, when I think of one of my cats being seriously ill or terminal or being dead I just wanna cry even though it's not actually happening and hopefully will not happen for many years. I don't know how I will ever be able to surpass the moment when it will eventually become a reality.

[@louisevolpe7283]

Hi Jackson: Caroline looks like a very sweet soul. I am 76, and I have lost my entire family and my husband, and a dog, and 3 cats over the years. I can feel your worry and sadness. I will send you and Caroline light and love. You will be guided to make the right decision. There are so many people who love you and we all wish you and Caroline the very best. ❤️😻❤️

[@GrumpyLemur]

Wow I am so sorry for you. Just last year, I lost my Grandpa, my cat, my grandma, and one of my dog friends, but you have gone through so much more. Praying for you as well as Caroline

[@carlaeskelsen]

🙏🏼❤️‍🩹🙏🏼

[@toriless]

I am only 60 but have lost 4, 2 to FELV, one ran away, she was a former indoor / outdoor and a well managed diabetic who was staying the the back yard a lot recently. She got out the front door. I think a raccoon got her that night. She is normally at the front door each morning when she gets out but something about how eager she was to get out made me ill all night. In the morning I was crying but the wife, and her owner was still unconcerned. We had signs up for months since, Nick, I will get to him later, HAD been found after a month lost but he knew how to hunt mice since about 2 months old since he was taught by another cat when I would go to the cabin. It also rains a lot in February so there were puddle and even a nearby stream. It was a foggy February morning and he always did not wonder far but I did not think to check the weather first. He probably could not find the right building. Several times before I found him by our former apartment and kept going to it. He knew the sound of my keys as well. When I did find him he was one building over, a neighbor said when he came home a 6 every evening he would see my cat sitting there so one day he called. I was out at dinner and 30 minutes away but I left immediately. It was him, at first I thought I was fooling myself since to had several false alarms by then and he had lost a lost of weight since it had been unusually cold, even for February. He was just staring at me but I eventually got close enough, he was 16 at the time. I had him another 4 years when he got mouth cancer. It is nasty, their breath smells like warmed over death. He had been examined by a vet who missed it. He was being boarded and they noticed. I went to the vet specifically asking about mouth cancer. It was only then she caught it. I took him home and alerted the home euthanasia vet I had already lined up since he was already about 20 and had never fully recovered to his vital self, he would wonder outside but was no longer a flight risk by then. Mostly just sat in the sun and bath himself, he has developed epilepsy so the medication might have masked some symptoms. It was a sunny day in the back yard. I held him as he went under. The whole family was there. I fully recommend home euthanasia IF you can find such a vet. OK, I need to take a break now.

[@deegeeas6644]

I remember a saying, "If you do not want or know to grieve, you will never know to love." Many years ago, I had a cat, Ramza, and she succumbed to cancer too. I remember I lashed out of anger and grief because I felt hopeless for not being able to save her. Looking at Caroline, I cried because she reminded me of her. Sending my prayers and lots of hugs to you and Coraline.

[@Citizenlyng]

Hi Jackson. I've had enough experience with grief to know that there's nothing I can write here that is going to make it better. It's so obvious the immense amounts of care that you and Caroline have for each other, there's no words. Love is our legacy. What a legacy Caroline will leave behind. ❤

[@dorianr4770]

yeah this. I want to say something but don't know what to say. grief is ... I mean yeah, just empathy from a fellow sufferer.

[@WouldbeRenaissanceLady6926]

Hi Jackson🙋. I lost my wonderful cousin to pancreatic cancer just over twelve months ago, she was an amazing lady who lit up the room when she walked in and she is missed by everyone that knew and loved her terribly.😭 Two weeks ago after surgery for dental disease, my beloved cat Harry had to be euthanised after developing breathing complications following surgery post-operative, he was twelve and a half and had lived all his life with a heart condition unknown to me. Oh jeez, I am tearing up writing this, my heart goes out to you so much right now.♥️ How I wish there was such a thing as a "grief fairy" who could wave a wand and magic this away... Harry was a really tall Russian-Blue weighing over seven kilograms being more like a miniature grey panther and used to follow me everywhere around the house, everyone loved him, he was the classic "mojito cat" being a cool charmer, he was always waiting for me at the top of the stairs to welcome me home - a typical Russian-Blue being so laid back but also at the same time - a real presence around the place. The day before I took him to the vet I had this fateful feeling of foreboding and the thought that it might be the last day I would ever spend with him. I prayed so much during the time of his illness and asked him to be brave and do as much as he could to get better and come home to me, he was my feline "touchstone" my soul-mate and had been by my side led next to me on my sick-bed during a serious illness in the long, dark nights when I thought I myself was going to die. Harry was so loyal that it hurts me to think about it - unconditional love - I am missing that little guy so terribly. Like they say "grief is the price of love" and I must have loved him very deeply. Since his death two weeks ago, I have been looking at photos I have taken in the years since his kittenhood. Something I unconsciously wished to overlooked in the past three years or so, was his greying muzzle and the whitening of his once beautiful silky black whiskers. I did notice that he seemed to spend more time sleeping and like the saying goes "it is later than you think..." Yes, I guess you could describe me as being a "cat-lady", I have been so very fortunate and so very lucky to have owned the wonderful cats that I have. I am glad that they have either chosen me to be their human mom and I am grateful to whoever decided to send them my way. We have all had our time together which is etched in eternity in the forever being built around love and affection, thank you Big Guy.x♥️ Sending out love to you at this time, Caroline is in my prayers and also love to all others suffering grief at this time.x 🙏🙏🙏

[@Isisthepalmtree]

I lost my my kitty (Beethoven) to liver cancer last year. I didn't have the financial option for the surgery, chemo, treatments. Hospice mode was by far harder than anything I had ever done before in my life. I would switch between avoiding the grief to nasty uncontrollable sobbing. I know in every fiber of my being I gave my old man the best possible life he could've had. And I know with every fiber of my being Caroline is loved so so so soooo deeply. So in that same vein, we love you Jackson. And we all wish the best healing for you, Caroline, and all those touched by her.

[@jenwilliams4272]

Let Caroline tell you. If she's showing a fighting spirit and wants to live, give her a fighting chance with the surgery. If she's resigned and accepting about what's going on, give her her spot. She will tell you. Hugs and prayers 💜

[@nryane]

Thank you, Jackson. Your grief at this time moves me. My darling Nena, a dachshund, is heading into her 17th year in March. I see decline in her health. I spend more time being loving AND I anticipate her passing. At the same time, at 81, I anticipate my own passing. Neither is joyous. Both are inevitable. Your choice for Caroline will be the measure of your love for her. Blessings. ❤

[@carlaeskelsen]

And blessings to you. ❤️‍🩹

[@elizabethcloutman8913]

Many blessings to you! While I am four years younger than you, I understand completely what you are saying. Our dilute tortoiseshell cat, Pilar, an adult rescue from our local Humane Society, is now over 17 1/2 (estimated). While her health problems are well controlled by medication and she is generally happy and affectionate, she has slowed down tremendously. It is sad, but she has been a great kitty. I am glad Jackson has decided to let Caroline be where she is happiest - in her spot - and to be in hospice as long as she is comfortable. Jackson put so much love into deciding what was the right thing for her. I know you will treasure your own sweet girl until it’s her time, and that she will know and appreciate the extra love. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.🙏❤️

[@nryane]

@@elizabethcloutman8913 Thank you.

[@Laurie_christine]

Love and blessings to you and your sweet Nena.

[@bellecrook7224]

Bless you too and your sweet nena prayers for the both of you as well❤

[@GAR413]

Last summer, my cat was in a similar situation. He had a large tumor that had almost closed his throat. Despite being told he had less than a 1% chance of surviving surgery, I decided to proceed as it was our only hope. Fortunately, I found a surgeon who was willing to operate. They managed to remove the tumor just in time. Miraculously, he survived and is now living a normal life, despite missing half his jaw. My advice is to not lose hope and consider surgery, as it could potentially save her life, against all odds.

[@karenmarie7654]

I always struggle finding the right words to say in times like these. So, all I’m gonna say is we love you, Caroline loves you, she will love you no matter what you and your wife decide to do. One thing people always say is “be strong”. I say fuck that!! Grieve, cry, scream, punch something that won’t bust your hand open, LET IT OUT. My heart is breaking for you, Jackson. Hang in there. ❤

[@dragonfly9209]

Some years ago I read a book about the human/animal bond. There are actually several levels of bonding. Those of us who have the deepest level of bonding naturally suffer the most. We are the ones whose "pets" are actually our little girls and boys. We are their mommies and daddies. No quick bouncing back for us. Our heart has been ripped open. My heart has been ripped open many times. I still struggle from the last one leaving, my precious Bella--who left me a year ago. My friend---Talk, rant, scream, cry---whatever you need to do because we know that heart-rending pain, WE GET IT. We're right here with you, supporting you---knowing what it's like to walk through that deep valley as well.

[@sschutjes1462]

Thanks for this beautiful message

[@emilyumphlett8684]

Prayers for you and Caroline and your family. ❤❤❤😺😺❤️❤️❤️

[@rachelgreen4626]

Jackson, I hear you! Several weeks ago I had my last cat put to sleep. She was maybe 18 and I'd had her since she was a stray kitten. I've had maybe 20+ cats, strays, ferals, give-aways, in the past 50 years and she was the last. She never really liked me that much until the last few months, but that was okay. She was never sick, ever. Last year she developed chronic diarrhea and after many expensive tests she was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Being ornery was part of her personality and she was impossible to medicate, she refused to eat if she sensed that anything had been added to her food and she refused any sort of dietary modification. She drew blood (the vet's) during visits. There was nothing I could do other than feed her because she became ravenous while losing weight as she couldn't digest any nutrients. She remained active, vocal, amusing, friendly (to other people) until one morning she just lay flat and looked absolutely miserable. I decided her time had come and we had an at-home euthanasia. I feel so guilty and so regretful, never felt like this with any other cats, and have even cried - I am not a crier. Did I let her starve to death? Should I have done more? Money is an issue unfortunately. All these things are going through my head. I apologize for going on like this, I think I just need someone to say I did the right thing and I'm forgiven. I'm 77, too old for this. Oh, her name was BadKitty because that's what she was and I miss her terribly.

[@timbercoffee]

You absolutely did the right thing. Blessings.

[@carolemerritt6671]

You did what was best for your fur baby. This stuff certainly seems to get worse the older I get. I hear ya!

[@saliciousable]

You absolutely did the right thing. Thank you so much for loving her even though she wasn't always giving you love in return. You must have a beautiful soul. No regrets, just remember the love you had for her.

[@cynthiastogden7000]

I am 78 and have 5 cats. I have had well over 20 and dogs. Always have at home euthanasia but honestly in the uk now the cost is astronomical. I do partly believe that they would choose a natural death. If humans are treated this way with pain meds then why not animals. Either way it is always a guilt trip thinking did I do the right thing.

[@ichbinari]

@rachelgreen4626 You did the best that you could with what you had in those moments for BadKitty. You do NOT need to ask for forgiveness from anyone because despite what grief has tricked you into believing, you need to know that you have NOT done anything wrong that would otherwise require being forgiven in the first place. When you combine factors such as the love that you had (and still have) for her, the care that you provided her, the tears you have shed for her, etc all prove that you are a genuinely loving, attentive and caring human being who did the very best that she could for BadKitty in each one of those moments where she needed you the most. Genuine love and kindness like that need not ever ask for any forgiveness. The grief you feel burning in your chest is a direct reflection of the genuine love you have for her and serves as undeniable proof of that love. Please let yourself to let go of your guilt and self doubt so that you may find the peace that your heart deserves. Let it all go in honor of BadKitty and the life you both shared together. Know that she is at peace and will never know any further suffering or pain all because of YOU and the true love that you had for her in this life. BadKitty was incredibly lucky to have a friend like you. Never ever forget that.

[@katef2998]

Anticipatory grief is awful. My pain watching my dog deteriorate was so awful. I cried for about a week before we had to put her down. Hang in there. Hugs

[@reubenfebus4087]

Jackson, I have 2 cats and I cant imagine the hurt you are going thru. I have lost a pet once before and I have never been the same. I cant ever face that kind of loss again,I just cant. I hope Caroline gets cured. I lost a dog 31 years ago 2/16/1993 @ 12:16 pm. The vet had lied to me all week while my dog was in the hospital. When I was told he was doing great and to pick him up,they told me his renal functions were basically nil. They then asked me if I wanted to give him chemo. I asked ,"does he have Cancer?" They said no but that sometimes chemo "kickstarted" the kidneys, They had lied all week and I just didnt believe them. In short, after talking in private with my Dusty for about half an hour,I swear he knew what was going to be done and whimpered as if he understood. I held him in my arms and I gave him the shot. I would not let the vets near him or do it. I told him to wait for me by the Rainbow bridge and I have never gotten over that. A few years ago I bought home a lovely black cat who was dehydrated. I had no iv equipment nor pedialyte to try and rehydrate her and being it was New Years eve,I couldnt find a vet. I was feeding her with a dropper. My wife came and then told me she had stopped breathing. I ran to her and started little chest compressions and she came back....later she let out 3 long meows or a sound like it and I knew she was tired and wanted to go. She fell asleep and passed in the night. The next day,I wrapped her up warmly and with my shovel I buried her in a beautiful meadow by Long Island Sound . The dirt was frozen but I did it....and thay has stayed with me also. I'd rather go before I lose another....I'm sorry,I had to get this off my chest. It always hurts💔

[@amyarnold2097]

I know your pain and loss. Your post touched my heart! You clearly love your kitties and have tried to help when they needed it. You have a heart of gold!! If only all people were as compassionate as you, then this world would be a better place for everyone. My hope for you is that you don't let loss and grief stop you from helping any animal that needs your help!! Helping an animal in need means the world to that little soul! God bless you! ❤❤❤

[@lindadejonge]

Jackson, I know how painful it is. I lost my little girl Bella on 25th November, because a tumour had burst and made breathing difficult. I hated myself for saying let her go....but Caroline will thank you, because she'll be free of pain and poisons. She'll cross the rainbow bridge and wait for you. Take care my friend, be strong.x

[@saliciousable]

She's "ours...our daughter". So lovely. If it helps, I think your thoughts about just letting her go peacefully and just enjoy a wee bit more time at home are spot on. Then you can 'lean into' just loving on her and not agonizing over options. So thankful I've always had a great vet who would make the choice for me as I was way too emotional. Our hearts break for you Jackson.

[@XxShellyW13xX]

We love you, Jackson. You and Caroline. We are here for you both. No matter what happens, we are here. ❤❤❤

[@brittlebricks10]

Jackson, sending LOVE to you and your house 💜💜💜💜💜

[@sandymunyan130]

You know her best, pick her spot ,and just let God help you through. Hugs and Prayers to you and yours

[@jennismith2]

I’ve been an ICU Nurse for 17 years. There are no “right” decisions in these situations. You just have to make the best decision you can in the best interest of the ill animal (or person) given the reality of the situation as it is. Then, simply hope and pray for the best…whether that involves medical intervention (even if the odds are long) or acceptance and a focus on quality of life (even if that means a very short time left to be together). Both can potentially be “good outcomes”. . You can’t predict the future or control the outcome…no one can. Regardless of the path you choose for her, you will be doing the right thing for your lovely Caroline.

[@ginamcdonald7854]

There are no words to make this situation better for you or Caroline! I’ve lost many fur babies over the years, some from diseases, some from cancer, renal failure, and old age. It’s never easy to say goodbye, and they’ve all left little paw prints on my heart while also taking little bits of my heart with them. My prayers are with you, your wife, and Caroline 🙏🏻💖🐾🐾

[@AJ-zl8bz]

Big virtual HUGS for all the family or anyone else going through this!

[@janski250]

So sorry to see you suffering, Jackson. Quality of life is so important now - Caroline has had a brilliant life with you and you with her. I know you’ll do what makes it best for you both. I feel in my heart you are on the right track. I did the same for my beloved cat, Jack. He enjoyed his spot on the deck till his last day. Sending you a huge hug. It is a bitter loss, but you know how to make her last days count. 🐾💕🐾

[@faithlindsey9552]

What got me the most was wiping the dried eyes mass from his eyes & he didn’t fight me , which was his normal response. The saddest I think of him leaving me , the pleading asking me to let him go . So I gave him up to the Lord . Told him it was okay to go home to his daddy , who we lost in 2020 . It was heart renching time . Lost him on Christmas Eve morning . 16 yo Hemingway cat , total of 25 toes . Theodore Roosevelt, Theo for short . I’ll miss him dearly . But I still have another emotional cat to help me get through our loss 15 yo . For he still looks for him . .

[@rebeccaanderson5191]

I lost 3 cats in one year, 2 14 year olds to different cancers and one at 18 to old age, kidney failure. He was dying at home and I put him in a wicker basket on a familiar pillow snug in a small fleece and drove him less than two miles to our vet. He didn't really need euthanasia but the vet gave him "just a little help just in case he needs it." It was a loving, lovely passing surrounded by angels murmering "sleep well sweetheart" and I was shattered but in awe how they made it so soothing. He was my bestie and he knew it. The other two girls were also my besties in different ways. All had unique personalities and relationships with me. All had stories. But he was the strongest personality, demanded to inspect new visitors, plunged his head into floral arrangements that arrived and really enjoyed them. He grew from a tiny acrobatic Evel Knievel longhaired tuxedo kitten who literally flew around the house-- I think he invented Parkour-- to a middle age man of the house who liked to sit on the back of a chair and style the hair of my husband, me, or anyone else who sat there. It's been less than 2 years and I still grieve all three intensely. I was wrung out at the end of the year after months of fighting cancer in my one girl and multiple trips to the city for the oncologist, waiting hours in my car during Covid during treatments and wondering if I was serving her well or keeping her alive for me and struggling with the responsibility of making decisions only God should make. After she passed, I had one girl left and no sooner said to her "Well it's you and me kiddo" when she threw up and was diagnosed with cancer too. It was almost too much. One year and my house was empty except for me and my little Cairn terrier. He missed them too. I think his sadness was remarkable after all the cats annoyed him and he guarded his food and treats from them. But he really missed them. All of this is the price of love but that we can give them that love, comfort and support in such a time is when we repay them for what they have brought to our lives. ❤😢

[@judithelizabethsnow2497]

Wow, Rebecca, that is so beautiful! You have such wisdom. Thank you.

[@gianna4846]

Rebecca, I’m 77, always had dogs & cats. After much loss, I’d adopted a rescue dog, & our lives were brightened by a kitten who walked out of the woods & into our hearts. He was part Maine Coon, gigantic, bigger than my Peke, & they were inseparable. And then we lost him. My grief was bad enough but I almost lost Peppa. She hunted daily for him, then stopped eating. I finally decided I had to find her another kitten. So Ulisse came to live with us, Peppa recovered, they are best buddies now. I live in the country & people drop off kittens at farmhouses. Now we have 3 more, there were 5 but Peppa got so excited when she saw one that looked like Yoshi it frightened him & another off. But she watches over the kittens, is surprisingly very gentle with them. And after so much loss has come the joy of new life. Each has been a gift.

[@rebeccaanderson5191]

@gianna4846 Wonderful words! I took in a pair of bonded cats, ages 3y and 10mos last fall and they are so different from my little flock but so heartwarming to see them go from hiding in the house for a few days to making it their kingdom and adventure park, discovering best sunbathing spots, making sure I don't do anything without them, even enjoying my little dog. They are a blessing and lift my heart.

[@rebeccaanderson5191]

@@judithelizabethsnow2497 Wisdom learned from them.

[@alisong2328]

Caroline reminds me of my childhood kitty, Patchie, who lived until she was 17. Sending healing energy your way. Kitties usually let us know when they've reached the end. The worst thing about cat ownership is that they don't live as long as we do. 😿

[@ilovemusic4556]

I had a cat for 23 years. We grew up together. Sometimes there’s a pet who has connected more than any other pet I’ve ever had. I knew it was time but it was so painful to let go. It wasn’t fair to keep her around for my benefit and she would have to suffer. You will do what’s best for her, even though a little bit of you will die along with her. I can’t wait to see my girl when I cross my own rainbow bridge.

[@Moerocha62]

Sending prayers for strength and comfort. I think of grieving this way: if you had a broken leg, you would rest a lot, elevate it, read, watch Netflix, eat your favorite foods and baby yourself while healing. While you’re grieving and/or going through a crisis it must be the same - no marathons, no over-doing it. Be kind to yourself. Your heart is broken. 💔🙏🏻✝️🐈

[@angelalycos2.076]

I just lost my girl earlier this month, I'm so sorry to hear your family is going through a rough time. I can only hope alongside you that Caraline remains as comfortable as possible. Edit: Please don't judge yourself too harshly, no one wants to be in pain. When the time comes....please take time for you. When you are....I hate to say done, but when you aren't being a caretaker, be taken care of.

[@twowildcats2002]

Jackson, you're doing everything that you can do for Caroline, keep her comfortable...she knows you love her. And thank you for sharing, I appreciate your "Caroline's Cancer Journal", it's a way of showing " you are not alone..." And everybody goes through this situation whether it's a beloved pet or person.

[@yashinaka6139]

My sister just found out that her first ever pet, her kitty Milou, has feline leukemia. Weeks to maybe a month was given for Milou as well. I'm so sorry about your kitty. ❤️

[@ronaldkrikorian4712]

My cat was diagnosed with feline leukemia at age 5! Today he’s 14 and no leukemia in blood test! Many cats can rid themselves of it but if it’s in the bone marrow there’s no hope!

[@KissyKat]

My Heart goes out to your sister, Milou and you❤❤❤

[@menmykrazycat8129]

I’m so sorry 😢 it’s heartbreaking finding out something is wrong. They’re truly family. ❤

[@WarmFuzzyVibes]

I am so sorry. I lost my beloved Sweetie Pie to feline leukemia last April and it was tragic all in a couple days.

[@KissyKat]

@@WarmFuzzyVibes sorry for your loss 😪

[@amyashlyn2999]

My mother passed 4 years ago. Last Sunday was her birthday. I cried all day long! It’s hard to loose those we love…..2 legged and 4 legged! My heart aches for you. I understand what you are going through!

[@lovemyferals]

What a beautiful, real and touching video. The phrase "student of grief" really hit home with me. I can only wish you, your wife and Caroline peace. I know that's easier said than done. She's a beautiful girl and you are lucky to have found one another.

[@fletchermoose7915]

Hey Jackson, I have been watching your videos for a while but this is my first time commenting. You've helped me be a much better cat parent, and I really appreciate the work you put into your channel. It breaks my heart what you and Caroline are going through, but she's a fortunate kitty to have such a loving home.

[@user-vp5og8dr4y]

You are a loving man. Thank you for allowing us to see your pain and grief. You and your wife will make the best choice for Caroline and for y’all. My parents allowed a 17 yo poodle to suffer too long because they couldn’t bare to let him go. I promised myself I would never allow my pets to suffer. Now I’m 69 yo and fortunately I have been able to be there for all of my many cats and dogs to the end, holding them in my arms and sobbing, but they each knew they were not alone and they were loved. Whatever y’all decide, Caroline knows she is loved and trusts her parents to be there for her.

[@user-hg2hk8sm8t]

Jackson, thank you for being so vulnerable with us at this very intimate and personal time. You've done all rhe head stuff.. looked at all the options and gave them full consideration. Any of them could have been right. And now you're listening to your beautiful Caroline. You know what she wants... her spots. And to connect with the hearts of the two people she loves! That's what matters. Hugs to you all.

[@incog99skd11]

I once told my cousin that we were losing so many uncles and aunts these days. And, she replied, "We're next." She was always very pragmatic. I guess we all end up "there" wherever "there" is.

[@hoosierpioneer]

Each one never gets easier, and no two losses are the same. I'm currently on the journey to say goodbye again.

[@catherinebreitfeller669]

I never will go down this road again. 😢

[@susankeller5295]

So sorry you have to go through this. I personally am battling cancer and not sure how well I would handle it if one of my cats was going through it. I send prayers and blessings your way. Much love, Sue

[@GigiWright]

❤

[@princessbabibear4794]

My prayers are with you ✝️

[@judithelizabethsnow2497]

God bless you, Sue.

[@saliciousable]

Sue, sending you strength and healing from Vancouver🇨🇦. Kick cancer's butt my dear. You've got this!

[@L5YDenver]

Losing a companion changes us. The love between us never leaves. A good pal of mine died from Melanoma at the same time I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got a cat. For the 1st time since I was a kid, I needed a cat. We got Clementine 09/2021 and she was and continues to be a bright, fluffy ball of life. Cats are magical. We send love and kindness to Caroline. And we all surround you with comfort and well earned sorrow. ❤

[@RobinKirves]

Yes it does. Losing my 10 year old tipper to diabetes changed me too.

[@jessicamaltese8328]

I'm so sorry your going through this. My son Yanks was 14 yrs old with a tummer in his belly and the vet said he has a few weeks and he passed just a few days later when I was on my way to the vet to put him down. It happened so fast. My mom passed about 8 months later from throat cancer and my father passed 2 yrs later from liver cancer. Cancer sucks. Love her as much as you can in these final days. My love and prayers are with you, your family and sweet Caroline. 💔😿

[@Red-yi7ou]

I lost my best friend of 18 years at 36 years old. I had that cat for half my life. I had to watch her die over the longest 12 hours of my life. I couldn’t bring myself to put her down as I knew it was her time, and taking her to the vet would have only scared her. I feel your pain brother.

[@goob8945]

My condolences ❤❤❤

[@karolina285]

I'm sorry but did I understand it correctly? Instead of taking your cat to the vet and ease the pain,you let your best friend suffer for 12 hours?

[@gladys6100]

I WAS THERE, THIS PAST SEPTEMBER WITH MY "JODI"....YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE LOSS, NOT EASY, BUT IT HELPS TO THINK OF THE HAPPY TIMES TOGETHER...SENDING U LOTS OF LOVE, STAY STRONG.🥺❤❤❤

[@HealthSoundsMusic]

We had a vet come to our house for our beloved cat. I didn't want to put her through that stress. It was a lot more expensive but worth it.

[@cleancoder3838]

​@@notsousual29385 of my cats died. Three of them I took to the vet. (12 w cancer, 10 kidney insufficience & 19 w blindness) The last euthanization went horribly wrong, I wish I had not euthanized her which gave me a nightmare trauma. The last two died afterwards without euthanization (20, 15). All of them were hurtful. I can't tell which way is better, all of them were horrible. Dying is always horrible. I feel deep love for my cats and I will suffer this another 15 times as I adopted 11 from shelter in 2023 shortly before we lost one of our five cats in summer last year at age 15. I feel sad for Jackson.

[@floridafan6931]

I think these chapters you’re giving us are part of your grief process. Those of us who have lost a precious pet understand where you’re coming from. We’re here to listen. I hope things go well for Caroline, and I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

[@melBea123]

Your connection is so strong to Caroline, that it is impossible to make a wrong decision. She will tell you what she wants and you will listen. Thank you for sharing

[@tamaramccarthy8811]

This! ❤😿

[@robindupont6399]

Yes, that is right and true.❤

[@girlpharm]

Caroline will let you know when she wants to go. I feel your pain. Lost my abby to kidney disease at age 9. She let me know when she was ready. You will make your decision based on Carolines actions. Much love to you and yours.

[@darquechic2067]

Thank you for sharing this raw glimpse into what so many pet parents must go through. The fact that we do control the lives of our beloved friends makes it a uniquely difficult experience to endure. You are looking at it from Caroline's perspective as much as you can, and I think that's the right decision. ❤ to you and your whole family tonight

[@lea801]

❤

[@cesaramoga]

Jackson, we love you. You have given us so much love and wisdom throughout the years. We are better cat parents because of you. We are with you whatever happens. Let’s stay positive! Best wishes to you and Caroline . Greets from Texas

[@bettyboop1524]

I've lost three beloved senior pets over the last several years. It just rips your heart out, but I have always thought, all because you can,, doesn't mean you should theory when it comes to making the decision to let them go.. There isn't a day that I don't think about these girls, but I'm sure they are in a better place, living a pain free existence - that was my gift to them and thank you for all the love they gave to me for all the years they were with me..

[@clarissae4447]

That happened in 2022 with my cat Athena. She had aggressive lymphoma and passed away a months later near the anniversary of my mother’s death (one year prior). I lost both parents in 2021 then Athena in 2022. It hits you all at once and you can’t breathe. My heart breaks for you guys. Hospice was what I chose for Athena and while I am crying writing this know that my prayers are with you guys. ❤🙏

[@alisongeorge5464]

Give Caroline lots of love, lots of cuddles, take photos, video her. Keep talking to her let her know how beautiful she is. If you didn't feel this way, then you didnt feel love. What you are feeling is right and natural. I went through this a little over a year ago. You don't stop loving them. My thoughts are with you all take care. x

[@hlrapoza]

big hugs. making these decisions is not ever easy. Anger. Grief. Isolation. I see you on this. These decisions are the most compassionate, and yet the hardest we can ever make.

[@annamarie1443]

God bless. My tuxedo baby lived until 18 years. Fast forward 2 yrs my new stray, which is a beautiful Bombay, has a litter of kittens. I'm now blessed with my bombay mama and her 2 beautiful kittens.

[@antirrhinum130]

It's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry. Each furbaby is loved and we are never ready for them to leave us behind.

[@jamesroy9471]

We have to love them for as long as they are with us. And remember them for the rest of our lives.

[@lucyl7232]

We had our sweet Peaches with a huge tumor, she was 16 we made the decision of letting her go, I'm still in pain, keeping you in our prayers Jackson we Love you 💖💖💖

[@Soulself11]

Jackson, I truly believe, collectively, we are all wishing continued life in to Caroline. ❤ A healing, whole life for her.... A miracle, a number of miracles. When large groups of people, put their thoughts, hearts and emotions into a single intent, it can change any predestined outcome. 🌎 💛

[@lorrainemoore8165]

Hi Jackson, I'm a retired hospice nurse, and we always said you know it's going to happen, you expect it's going to happen, you anticipate it's going to happen, but when it does happen, it hits you so hard you don't know what to do. Your heart will tell you what choice is the right one.

[@protow5041]

Jackson, I'm sitting here crying, feeling your pain. This is the decision process we went through when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. Unfortunately within a week of her diagnosis we had to take over power of attorney, her decline was swift. Sending prayers you have plenty of time with her

[@DefiantAngel87]

I'm so sorry

[@louweezie3703]

JACKSON..as we speak, we are going thru the hardship of Cancer with our momma kitty, Paintbrush😢had a lil lump on her belly & surgery proved Cancer..she’s been fine..today not so much…her life energy is weak…then she wobbles up for more water..she’s a tuffy..her 7 “babies” are now 13 yrs old & they are here also..thru my tears..prayers for our kitties & us also 🙏🙏😔❤

[@damianp564]

Thank you, Jackson. As hard as it was to let our "little old lady" go...and I still get choked up...we do not regret the choice we made to let her live as comfortable and peaceful as possible without surgeries. I got really good at giving her subcutaneous fluids. But one day it was time. We both knew. Strangely she seems to have been reborn into a kitten from a pregnant stray that we took in. The similarities are uncanny. Strength to you all.

[@jeroldeddins1209]

Hang in there and cherish the time you have left and have had together. I was adopted by the most amazing black cat. She loved me so much. It hurt so bad to lose her. Words can't explain our connection. It was a match made in Heaven for sure. RIP BABY I was so devastated that I shunned having another pet for twenty years. Fate intervened when we found two 2-week old orphaned sisters last year. Mittens & Fluffy send their Love! Thanks for all you do and know that you help so many others with your channel. God Bless and we are praying for you & Caroline!

[@maryallan3982]

Thank you for sharing, My Friend. Your honesty and vulnerability are deeply appreciated, and all my Mojo is with your family right now.

[@samuellopez2512]

Jackson, I am really sorry to see you going through this difficult times. This video series is very important for me...I am a cat dad of a 15 year old and a 13 year old, and I know the time is getting shorter, and it really hurts just to think about it. I am really grateful that you are sharing your honest thoughts and feelings.

[@sschutjes1462]

It’s hard not to live in grief for the loss you know is around the corner. After my first cat turned 15, I changed my mindset to gratefulness, as we were living on spare time. But when the time came, it was still too soon… lessons in loss indeed

[@samuellopez2512]

@@sschutjes1462 Thank you. I am trying to enjoy every moment I have with them, but sometimes just to think about time getting shorter is awful.

[@nanl1947]

You said it perfectly...it is all happening at the same time...but we still feel all the emotions. Allow yourself that. We humans are so attached to bodies. Damn us! Even though i know their spirits are around me I still miss the fur, the warmth, the bodies. Do your best to enjoy the remaining physical time with Caroline in " her spots". Much love

[@susanmurillo9544]

Thank you Jackson for sharing these most tender parts of your reality. I feel for you my cat just had surgery today and they removed cancer. Nothing is easy right now and nothing makes it better unfortunately. You know her better than anyone and you will make the right decision. Sending prayers and hugs to your family.

[@ButterPawsKitty]

My prayers are with you Jackson. You are an amazing loving man. 😿God bless Caroline.

[@kadairh]

I’ve been thinking about you all and how you’re going. Thank you for involving us in this journey, and I hope by sharing this it’s helping you, it certainly helps people in similar situations to know they’re not alone in the confusion and worry about making the right choice. Hugs to you all

[@sylviekins]

So devastating. We had to allow our darling to pass away on Saturday. So fortunate that the mobile vet sent us a palliative care checklist, and then assessed her, so it was clear it was time. Such a peaceful time, although sad. I was able to cuddle and brush her (which she loves) and tell her how much I loved her. We kept her at home after that for a couple of days and she has gone to be cremated. I wanted her to live forever- thank you Esmé, you darling girl❤. Jackson’s vlog has been so very helpful and we are with you in spirit🙏

[@lynnen264]

Grief is such hell. The loss of my soul mate (yes they can be an animal) Hemi at almost 19 ripped a piece of my heart off. The loss of my Son has stopped my life and I only survive now I really love when you sit down and talk from your heart

[@carolbrownleehalbert3593]

I'm so happy you are spending so much time with baby girl.

[@elliepascoe5954]

Yes, never on their worst day. You got this, Jackson. You know your girl. Hang in there. Sending you love❤🫂

[@louvirago]

I also have a 15 year old cat daughter who had a biopsy on a lump found 3 days ago. If it’s cancerous the choice is pain relief til it’s time or remove her front leg, but the other leg has some arthritis. It’s agony. You describe it all so well. I’m also single and live alone, and she’s my main love and support. Sending you and her love and solidarity ❤

[@laurelkeith4171]

Be as kind, patient, and loving to yourself as you are to your dear girl, Caroline. Illness,anticipatory grief, the stress, all very debilitating. Much love and empathy to all of you. You are amazing for sharing so openly.

[@725Kellybean]

I am so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. Our babies are so very precious.

[@willowmoon3461]

So sorry you are going through this Jackson. I’ve learnt so much from you. I understand what you mean about just ‘knowing’. My sister recently lost her first cat to cancer and in the lead up to her crossing, my sister asked when the ‘right time’ was. All I said was “trust me, you will know”…and she did. Whatever you and your partner decide will be the right decision for you and Caroline. It’s a decision only you can make. Much love to you all and a very gentle nose boop to Caroline 💔 Edit: I just wanted to add with regards to Mina…my partner has lived with me for less than a year and she is now just as much a mum to our fur babies as I am and they all love one another

[@penelopefp]

Sharing in your heartache, sharing in your tears. Sending caring kitty vibes to Caroline.❤ Thank you for vulnerably sharing all the aspects of this journey. May the thousands of caring comments here uplift you and reassure you that your judgment is wise.

[@alansegal4185]

Your comment on don’t make that final goodbye on her worst day really hit home to me. My veterinarian offered some sage advice as well. He said when the bad days start out numbering the good days that’s the time to say the hardest goodbye. We have to remember it’s not about us. It’s about what’s best for our feline friend and companion.

[@aileensteele7298]

Oh man Jackson, what you’re saying is ringing true. On 12/14/23 our Lulu cat met her demise from cancer. She told us it was time…we are still so sad. We are sad for you all. Thank you for sharing your journey with Caroline and your family. 🥲😻🐕

[@joannevalentinaromonosky1878]

Jackson I feel you. My girl princess was given a month. The cancer is extensive. I'm in your world. Everyday I just spend with her showing how much she means to me. I took her in for a check up and got this news that rocked my world. I'm to the point that if she is having major issues breathing I have to make a choice that I can't even imagine making. I pray a lot that God will take this decision from me but I know that regardless I can't watch her suffering. I pray my princess and your Caroline find the miracle that we as parents want so badly. Stay brave and love your girl and I promise to be brave and love my girl.😢😢😢😢😢

[@lauriewilczynski-zollo1459]

Dear Jackson, I am sending you, your family, and the magnificent Caroline so much love! I don’t have the right words, but I do know that the loss of a beautiful being is devastating, and my heart is with you and your family 💕

[@BrownEyedGal77]

Jackson, you are doing the right thing. My sweetheart had periodontal disease that the vet missed. When they tested his blood at checkup they said he had thyroid issues that’s why he was losing weight. When I took him in I was hysterical thinking I’d save him pain by putting him down. They gave me hope so I happily took him home! Soon one day he had blood in his mouth and I rushed him to the vet. This one saw the abscess. They gave him antibiotics too late. I saw him suffering that night and he quickly died. I’ll never forget his eyes in pain. IMHO, I’d prefer my babies a quiet, painless death as opposed to surgeries and things they don’t understand. Peace and love to you and Mina. There is no “right” answer. You are not a hypocrite but someone who walks people through the impossible that you are going through now. We are all here for YOU now.

[@HodgyE5]

thank you for including us in this difficult time, being a mentor isn’t easy. Hug to your family. you make us all better cat parents.

[@marg5404]

❤ and hug. I feel honoured that you have included me/us in this difficult stage.

[@MeJaneEntrprsz]

Homeopathy & raw diet. Kept my 15y/o mast cell cancer cat alive for 4.5 yrs working w/ Pat Mckay pet homeopath & feeding her raw diet. He did have his spleen removed & that's when they discovered the dime sized mass on his head was cancer (I'd been told it was nothing for yrs) & had metastasized to his spleen, kidneys & liver. Was biopsied when undergoing spleen removal. I opted against chemo/radiation due to his age & heart murmur. Miraculously Heard Pat Mckay on a radio show shortly thereafter. Emailed her & she replied w/in hrs. Kept my sweet Pretty Kitty boy alive for 4.5yrs feeding him her free online raw food diet & following her free online books. Only charged me if she prescribed homeopathic remedies which was a few times a yr. Such a valuable lesson in species appropriate feeding & chemicals. He was such a trooper. Pat is in her 80s now & still working & sharp as a tack. All my best to your beasts, Jackson & feline friendlies.

[@vm3016]

Once I accepted being the end of life care giver to my pets, I shifted my outlook to enjoy each small moment to capture as a memory. My vet asked me one question to ponder: “Are you keeping him alive for him or for you”? My goal was to keep each pet comfortable and I knew when it was time to let them go. Heartbroken and grieving, I thanked each one for sharing their life with me and my family. Peace be with you and Caroline.

[@aletaschulz1108]

Hugs, Jackson. Whatever you decide there will be some aspect that sucks. As long as Caroline is happy and at peace, she'll cross that rainbow bridge and wait to great you when it's your time to crossover. Let her spend however much time she has left stress free, comfortable, happy, and basking in your loving care. 🤗🤗🤗💚💚💚😢

[@wandapease-gi8yo]

My heart is with you and Caroline! The time to heal is what worries and requires so many prayers.

[@girlpharm]

Grief is not something you "get over" or "move on from". It is something you learn to live with. It becomes part of you. There will be good days and not so good days. Its ok. Sharing this journey with us will help those who are dealing with the same thing.

[@l3theeagle189]

Hi Jackson I am keeping you and your precious fur baby Caroline in my thoughts and prayers 🙏❤️ we all love you here❤️ and we are all here for you.

[@tinateryy2456]

Thank you for the update on Caroline. Really hard decisions to make. Nice to see she looks good at this moment. I hope all goes well with the choice you make. I'll pray for Caroline and yourself. God bless Caroline.

[@nicolevaliente3023]

Awful terrible. I’m so sorry. I’m finding anticipatory grief just as painful. I have a beautiful 16 yr old snowshoe named Isabella. She’s healthy as can be, but lately, I’ve been having such a hard time imagining her gone. I can’t imagine her NOT by my side. Ever. To you, Minoo, Caroline and the rest of your home, I’m sending vibrations of love and warm hugs. And thank you so much for your transparency. 💜

[@AnniePaquetKirsha]

You are currently going through the 5 stages of grief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... you're not a hypocrite. I was a teenager when I had to bring a cat I loved early to be euthanised, they proposed me to stay for the euthanasia, I stayed for the cat, but I cried like a baby all the way back home... Some people kept telling me: why did you go?! Your mom shouldn't have let you, I would never do that, blablabla... Well, deep down inside, I knew that if I didnt do it I would regret it. To this day I'm glad I went in with her and was there to reassure her. You do you, you're not a hypocrite. You know yourself, you know your cat. Trust in yourself.

[@vanhealing9489]

The greatest gift for somebody you love is to let him go peacefully. Surrounded by love + trust + soft cuddles. It will be hard as hell, but you have to let her go. My thoughts + prayers are with you.

[@oraliae77]

It’s always hard to let them go!! Unfortunately that time comes!! I have had to make the decision to put two of my cats to sleep due to being elderly and sick. They stopped eating. I loved them dearly and did what was best for them. They crossed the rainbow bridge in their lovely home. That was my gift for them. I didn’t want them to suffer and die slowly. DAMA was 18 and PRINCESS 15.

[@spudboyfan1286]

Thank you for making this difficult video. This is something a lot of cat owners may have to struggle with at some point. Caroline knows and trusts you will make the right decisions for her. What I've done in the past is to connect with my higher power and be still and allow the choice to come to me. Trust your instincts and you have to let it go and turn it over to whatever higher power you believe in. Continue to enjoy the love. Sending hugs for you and your wife. Sharing the long version of the serenity prayer. Replace the word God with yours if needed. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom the know the different. Grant me the patience for the changes that take time, appreciation for all that I have, tolerance for those with different struggles, and the strength to get up and try again one day at a time."

[@pixalu]

Oh my. I was in this situation with my sweet LuLu. A tumor was found on her pancreas and I was told that they couldn't really do much about it. I chose the scenario of doing nothing. She actually lived 2 more years. At the time of diagnosis she was feeling pretty good and she continued to feel pretty good those 2 years. I brought her to regular checkups during those years. This decision is so so hard. I lost my old lady Gabby last month. She got sick fast (she was just at the vet and had labs in early Sept.) My heart hurts so much. I'm so sorry, Jackson. Bless you and your family and little Caroline.

[@katsjerven468]

❤ We. All make the hard decisions, for the love and best life possible for our fur babies 🐾🐾❤ We all understand and have been there.....❤