Cassandra Syndrome: Signs, Symptoms, and Strategies for Neurotypical Partners

[@JodiCarlton]

Hey everyone! This video was mistakenly published at a faster speed. Please slow it to .75 if this is uncomfortable for you! Here's how you can get even more clarity about autism and neurodiversity in your life and relationship! Take a quiz: jodicarlton.com/take-a-quiz/ Take a course: jodicarlton.com/courses/ Listen to the podcast: jodicarlton.com/podcast/ Read the blog: jodicarlton.com/blog/ Attend a support group: jodicarlton.com/groups/ Request a private consultation for coaching: jodicarlton.com/booking/

[@freakofnurture40]

Oh!! 😹😹 I’m glad I decided to comment, I thought my migraine was really messing with me 😹 whew

[@treesarose97]

I like the speed 😂

[@freakofnurture40]

@@treesarose97 😹‼️

[@PortlandKennedy]

I noticed right away lol, it says the playback speed is unavailable for this video :/

[@andymadison4027]

I’m a late diagnosed autistic woman married to a non-autistic man. I find that the gaslighting-like behavior described in this video is the exact opposite. I have always been steam rolled in all my relationships because my perspective was never seen as valid. I believe that the dynamic described in this video does occur but it was a bit triggering hearing it described as exclusively damaging to the NT partner when, from my experience, it’s the opposite.

[@serenitygoodwyn]

And this is compounded because the vast majority of everyone sees the world closer to the way the NT partner does, making it much easier to dismiss the ND partner. I think the problem is that it feels like this is happening to both partners because of the difference in thinking. It's important to recognise this in order to have a healthy relationship. Often the NT person is dismissed because the ND person masks in public, so others don't see the more challenging side of the persons behaviours like the spouse does and remember that others opinions tend to be much more important to the NT person so that adds stress. It's important to recognise that our behaviour while not intentional can have a negative affect on the health of those we care about too, just as their behaviour, again unintentionally, can impact on us. That's why it is often a good idea for both parties to have support outside of the relationship to help the relationship remain healthy.

[@JodiCarlton]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As I noted toward the beginning of this video 0:17 , Cassandra Syndrome has been historically noted in neurotypical partners but autistic partners often experience invalidation and being dismissed by partners and even society - and this experience longterm trauma as a result. This video focused more on the neurotypical experience but I will be releasing another video soon about what autistic partners experience.

[@PhoenixEvolution]

Yea i definitely see this happening infinitely more for the autistic than the NT. Thus what breaks down our auto immune system even further then we're stuck with so much more trauma and stress related issues

[@JodiCarlton]

I wouldn't say either neurotype experiences more (or less) trauma from the relationship - the reality is that it's challenging for both partners. When either neurotype makes comparison claims of "more" or "less harm," it creates opposition versus moving toward partnership and connection (neurotypicals are very guilty of this so I'm not finger-pointing at you as someone who is autistic). I do see that autistic individuals experience more trauma, overall, throughout life, but in relationships, it really varies depending on each person. Thanks for your input and the opportunity to discuss this more.

[@AsaTorell]

Yes. Thank you. It was surreal listening to this.

[@TubeWusel]

We really need a new verb for unintentionally gaslighting that is based on double empathy / theory of mind deficits to differentiate it from the intentional malignant narcissism gaslighting...

[@robertharris5453]

Greylighting.

[@JodiCarlton]

Interesting!

[@chrismaxwell1624]

Don't really need that. Gaslighting is done with Mens rea (mental intent) to harm another person psychologically and emotionally. You can not unintentionally gaslight someone. With out Mens rea it's just a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding can be talked about after and learned from. Gaslighting get you more gaslighting as they goal is to harm you. There is no understanding to be had.

[@JodiCarlton]

good point

[@tahwsisiht123]

Resolution and acutness (from photography, the visual quality of a picture) making a new word: resacut perception difference. Resacut intolerance (this is not positive though), resacut disharmony

[@pamgraham7603]

Wow. From my perspective in a ND/A marriage for 52 years, this may be the single most important group of observations and suggestions for people struggling in these relationships. If two people can openly grapple with these issues early on, with sincere 2-way dialogue and a desire to understand each other, they have a real chance of making it. In our case, we didn’t know what we were dealing with decades ago-we somehow muddled through with kindness and respect. I marvel to think how much better it would’ve been with understanding and better communication.

[@netherdew]

This is beautiful. Also heartbreaking to not have known about this double empathy problem long ago and why. I’m so glad you treated each other with kindness and respect. My parents would be married for 55 years but my dad is gone. My dad was ND, and my NT mom was very unkind to him. He took care of everything and she didn’t appreciate or respect him. He had rigid thinking but it was all he really had as he wasn’t loved and was consistently ridiculed, judged, and shamed for how he was. He had a beautiful, kind spirit and I like that you and this creator do not villainize autism.

[@jonathanstrand2474]

Can these roles be reversed, I feel I’m on the spectrum, but I’m NOT a black & white thinker. To me it’s almost always a shade of grey! Those around me who are supposedly neuro typical, exhibit the black & white thinking.

[@serenitygoodwyn]

I agree, but, it's worth keeping in mind that the NT does not see themselves as a black & white thinker either. The problem is that we are all blind to where our thinking is black & white, because if we realised that there were other view points our thinking wouldn't actually be black & white. The problem is that both parties can think in shades of grey in some situations and think black & white in others and we tend not to recognise when we are thinking in a black & white fashion. What makes it even more challenging, is that as a rule, because we think differently, the typical areas of life that we resort to black & white thinking tends to be in very different areas between ND and NT people. It's also worth remembering that she is talking in generalities which doesn't always apply to the individual. So it may be true that in general that ND people are more inclined to black & white thinking (this is in the diagnosis criteria after all - referred to as rigid thinking patterns) and for an individual who is ND to be much lower in that trait than the majority of NT people they know. Both can be true.

[@JodiCarlton]

@serenitygoodwyn I couldn't have said it better!

[@NJGuy1973]

@@JodiCarlton No one spends more effort seeing shades of grey than an ND who's been told his whole life "Don't be so rigid!"

[@JodiCarlton]

Hi @NJGuy1973. Thanks for your comment about this. I imagine it's difficult for you to put in so much effort if your hard-wiring tends toward being rigid. Some people simply aren't wired to see the nuance. You're not wrong for being rigid and others aren't "right" for their shades of grey. The harm to both neurotypical AND autistic partners is when neither partner understands the differences and one or both are told their own reality is "wrong." I'll be doing another video/blog soon about the autistic neurodivergent's experience with Cassandra Syndrome!

[@jonathanstrand2474]

@@JodiCarlton another shrink no doubt 😅

[@lylew7]

Odd. I'm the autistic and its my husband who is the more black and white one, who generally sees things as having only one right perspective. I was gaslit as a child, and had to fight to gain a sense of self and having my own ideas and views and trusting i'm capable of having them and they can, in fact, be accurate. So when my husband tells me im wrong i get defensive and point out that just because my view is different than yours its not necessarily wrong and im allowed to have it thankyouverymuch! So i DO understand having different views even if i cant understand how someone can hold to it (its generally illogical to me). We're both allowed to have views, and neither are necessarily all right or all wrong, they are works in progress... but what is NOT allowed, and im black and white in, is not to assume meaning, and not to ascribe intent. THAT is wrong to do, whichever one of us does it. Ask and clarify!!

[@Alex_Anim05]

Videos like these are so encouraging. My autistic/ADHD/CPTSD partner broke up with me recently, and I had an incredibly difficult time with it, having panic attacks and irritable bowel symptoms. He finally went no contact, and I've taken that time to learn about things like Cassandra syndrome, etc., so that I can understand where he and I went wrong in our communication. If only I would have known this before he left me, I would have been able to handle things better.

[@JodiCarlton]

⏯This video was mistakenly published at a faster speed, so if it's uncomfortable (too fast) for you, please use the settings to adjust playback speed to 0.75.

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

I'm late diagnosed. My nine month relationship with an NT woman just ended. I see I need to work on emotional maturity. I see this Cassandra Syndrome as more related to regulation in me. I do get the rigid thinking. I'm working on that too as relationships are always gray.

[@michaelsuazo5321]

This is a one-sided analysis. An ND/A partner can also be pushed into a Cassandra complex. In fact, I see it happen more for ND/A individuals than NT individuals. Seems like something that can happen in any relation with communication challenges.

[@stevejorgensen1105]

My personal experience is that both me and my wife have experienced it. I don’t know for sure which of us experienced it more strongly. I am the one with ASD.

[@ellenripley4640]

I was about to comment the same thing. I have experienced very similar situations as described in this video with the roles swapped.

[@Noemi-u2m]

It's most common when the man is autistic and the woman is nt and she develops Cassandra syndrome. Autistic women are more likely to get abused by men as well.

[@JodiCarlton]

@@Noemi-u2m this has been how Cassandra Syndrome was historically recognized, but we are seeing that neurodivergent partners experience a similar traumatic impact from not being understood or believed.

[@JodiCarlton]

I agree and this is only one video in a series that I'm working on right now. I see trauma and harm in both partners when both are misunderstood and mischaracterized. I'm working on other video/blog content that will be released soon depicting the ND perspective as well.

[@arurora5474]

it's interesting for once to hear from a neurotypical perspective where the autistic person is not immediately labeled as narcisist gaslighter. it's nice since it's usually just us NDs being confused as to "why are the NTs like that???". at first it was really hard to relate because I have more often than not been the one who was not believed due to my sensory sensitivities. very often the NTs find it offensive that I'm hurt by something that they have done. they get especially aggressive when I ask to not be touched but that's also because of sexism not just because they are neurotypical. (many people think they are entitled to the body of women) but it's so nice to hear that there are sane people who listen even among the kind of people who have usually hurt me.

[@JodiCarlton]

I'm so glad you feel heard! I will be making more content (video/blog) about this from the ND perspective as well. You are not alone in feeling confused and gaslit from your ND perspective.

[@victoryamartin9773]

I wish I had known I was Autistic when I was married and being forced into sexual compliance. The overstimulation was excruciating, not pleasurable. I had to lie still and cry in silence, because to communicate my pain would have made him feel rejected, and he would punish me for that.

[@arurora5474]

@@victoryamartin9773 that is terrible Im so sorry that happened to you! Even if you weren't autistic it is still despicable he pushed you into doing something you didn't want to and I can relate too much to this it truly is excruciating!

[@arurora5474]

@@JodiCarlton thank you, Ill be curious to see the next video :)

[@victoryamartin9773]

@@arurora5474 Thank you for the validation. There was also the added pressure to comply from the biblical mandate for wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, which I tried to follow to a tee. After realizing my Autism, suddenly I understood how I did and didn't want to be touched, and I can now advocate for myself in this way. I don't worry about being misunderstood, because I know the God who made me understands, whereas I didn't think my needs mattered to Him when it came to being obedient to my husband, who has since divorced me for better sex somewhere else, releasing me from the obligation.

[@stevejorgensen1105]

Something that eventually helped me to be more flexible is to have seen how many times I was 100% certain I was obviously right, and in retrospect, I was obviously not. …so now, when I am certain that I am right about something, I no longer believe that my feeling of certainty MEANS that I am correct.

[@JodiCarlton]

Confirmation bias often convinces us we’re right but we also have memory errors and many other reasons for inaccuracies. Thanks for sharing your experience and personal strategy.

[@freakofnurture40]

Wow, what a gem of a human you are and what a channel. I’m really glad to find you, thank you for your work and putting so much into this!!

[@robotpirateld]

Agree. So grateful I found this channel. It's helping me finally make sense of my relationship experience. Thank you.

[@ElimEx1]

I didn't know I am neurospicy until a decade into my marriage. I have been accused of narcissism more often than I can count and I clearly remember things very differently from my wife. It's caused ruptures that cannot be healed. I'm glad i know about this now. Can't heal the past but I'll understand better for the future.

[@alexwelts2553]

This over time literally feels like being buried alive.

[@jonathanstrand2474]

What strikes me about mental health care in general in America is the only people who can truly chose the best therapists for them are those who can pay out of pocket. Otherwise you are at the mercy of what ever system you are in, Medicare for example. The internet, podcasts as you say, is an available alternative, the problem there is however the same, it’s not individualized, those seeking help have to adjust, to the program presented, there is no opportunity for fine tuning by the affected person by selection.

[@beingilluminous]

You are correct about the cost issue-it’s one of the reasons I’ve had to lean on, and advise others, to use Chat AI programs (like Google Gemini) to have some “info dump” sessions-the ai can parse out patterns fast, and usually is compassionate sounding. The key is, as the “patient” to treat it like a “self check out”-it’s a good starting point, and can be very helpful to focus on the particular issue to be addressed that a support group or other methods of therapies. It’s felt like the Wild West and when I finally did get psychiatric care, I was progressing in a stable way due to my ai chat processing sessions that brought me clarity and I was able to offer it to my psychiatrist and we were able to work together in an easier way. Hopefully we will be able to shift the mental health industry to understand trauma and neurodiversity more thoroughly asap.

[@scottfw7169]

Sometimes the frustration leads to referring to them as Mediwedontcare and Medicaintnoaid.

[@JodiCarlton]

It's true that private assistance is costly here in the U.S., which is why I try to provide as much as possible for free or low-cost. Check out this new autistic translator tool. It was developed by an autistic man in Australia, Michael Daniel. I've heard nothing but good things about it from neurodiverse couples and autistic individuals. autistictranslator.com/?via=jodi

[@leilap2495]

It’s refreshing to hear someone say that it can happen to the neurodivergent partner. My spouse has made enough claims that don’t line up with reality and had been so emotionally abusive that I am pretty certain that it’s actually gaslighting in my case, but as a late diagnosed person, I believed their claims about me being “bad” before I was diagnosed. I would like to see you follow through and say that we should be accommodated. I would love to be accepted for who I am. As the neurodivergent individual, I relate to everything you say from the perspective of the neurotypical. I’ve visited the facebook groups that she speaks of. They are incredibly invalidating to the autistic partner. I initially tried to discuss my relationship in that setting, but because I’m female, everyone kept assuming I was the neurotypical, so I would receive mean comments about autism that they meant for my spouse.

[@JodiCarlton]

Yes, it can definitely happen to a neurodivergent partner - that video is in the works!! Thanks for contributing to this conversation so we can all learn more from one another.

[@claudiabTV]

Excellent breakdown. Totally explains some relationship scenarios I've ended up in! ❤

[@deaea2903]

I am autistic and ADHD woman...and I don't do like this... It only happens when I have bad mood and start to interpret people beahoviourus stricte negatively towards me, but this happens only because of my trauma. When my emotions calm down my rational thinking goes back and I don't do it to my partner... I know that people can have in between thinking or feelings, i am like this.

[@JessieThorne886]

This was super helpful. I (52m with ASD) feel bad about how I can now, after getting diagnosed, see how I have probably stressed out my nt wife over the years by being rigid or unable to mentalize her, etc. I'm going to recommend to her to watch this video.

[@be1tube]

The autistic partner can develop the skill of finding the nuance/multiple interpretations. I'm late-diagnosed but life had already trained me in many ways. Here are things that helped: 1. Puns (the humor comes from multiple ways of seeing) 2. Hermeneutics (the Bible provides an objective example of how the exact same words can be interpreted many different ways) 3. The Buddhist concept of "emptiness" (learning to see that even the most concrete things - Rob Burbea uses The example of a chair - depend on how you look at them) 4. Deep Canvassing/Street Epistemology (as you talk to people and they explain why they believe things you will need blown away by the variety of thought patterns and perspectives)

[@JodyLL]

This exact topic needs to be discussed openly. I Learned this only by researching on utube. It’s been a long unhealthy journey, to put it mildly. They mask well for everyone but their spouse. I’ve never heard of this problem in a marriage before. It’s not the odd isolated situation. It’s fairly common, I’m guessing.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

I find I'm the one always making space for misinterpretations. I have to just function in society. What I find is NT people don't do this. I'm sure this is one of the advantages of being early diagnosed. Imagine how an undiagnosed autistic person must fell. They probably feel gaslit by everyone while eveyone else feels they gaslighting in return. That has to be really messy.

[@JodiCarlton]

It definitely works both ways and although historically Cassandra Syndrome has been associated with neurotypical partners, we're seeing evidence exactly as you described that ND partners experience similar trauma. This video is geared toward NT partners, but I am also doing some other videos/blog articles on this topic and will speak to ND partners as well.

[@NJGuy1973]

​@@JodiCarlton As an autistic person, I find that we autistics are the Cassandras in that we spend our whole lives telling NTs we have sensory issues or what have you, and no one believes us. A kid has trouble making friends, feels more comfortable reading reference books than building forts, and no one believes he may be autistic. Autistic women even more so. No one believes a autistic young girl when she speaks about how she dislikes conventional girl culture. "She just needs to be more social." "He just needs to try harder to make eye contact." Parents are the biggest nonbelievers of all. No parents wants to acknowldge that their son or daughter might be autistic. So we grow up thinking that we can't be who we are. It almost makes us wish for a cure. That all autistics go through whatever therapy will make them neurotypical. Transcranial stimulation, chelation, whatever. You think we want to be seen as a detriment to society?

[@wendyfollett8099]

I've just survived 36 years as undiagnosed autistic married to an nt. We had no idea what it was all about but we both definitely suffered badly. With my diagnosis things are getting better. We know to check with each other what they meant and we give each other grace. The only thing that held us together was the deep love we had for each other but it has been traumatic.

[@JodiCarlton]

Yes, I totally agree with you that autistics experience major trauma from their realities being called into question. This video is not "taking sides" that one neurotype experiences Cassandra and the other does not, but I'm seeing a lot of autistic individuals in the comments saying things like you've said, "we...are the Cassandras..." (i.e. not them). That's black and white, either/or, logic. Most of the neurotypical partners that I've met through the years recognize the incredible struggles that their autistic partners have faced. They have gone to great lengths to learn and understand their autistic partners. They give up their own preferences and needs to accommodate their autistic partner's needs. Yet, many of them have autistic partners who don't in any way acknowledge their struggles, their sacrifices, and the harm to their physical and emotional wellbeing. It is often one-sided in terms of acknowledging the difficulties. I've met almost no neurotypical partners who deny their autistic partner's trauma, but I've met many, many autistic partners who totally deny their neurotypical partner's trauma. Cassandra is about when your own reality about your trauma is denied.

[@wendyfollett8099]

@@JodiCarlton well this is one autistic who knows that we have both suffered and my diagnosis is beginning to make life better for both of us. Thanks Jodi for your insights.

[@breannawilliamson9787]

My husband overheard this and said “oh. She’s been to listening to us.” Lol

[@JodiCarlton]

😂 This made me chuckle!

[@LordMondegrene]

Cassandra: WE'RE ALL GONA DIE!!! Everybody else: ...and your point is?

[@JodiCarlton]

Exactly. :)

[@netherdew]

I wonder if ND people are actually more able to see possibilities but cling to concrete and clear definitions that make the most sense, out of a need for survival, as the entire world has already given them Cassandra syndrome.

[@xCAEGx]

I feel this, my autistic neurotype is different from my parents black and white thinking neurotypes... I see SO many possibilities and constantly read between the lines and hold so much space for others to experience the full spectrum of human emotions and feel as though many people whether or not they're also autistic or some other type of "neurodiverse" or neurotypical just have not done the same for me throughout my entire life experience. I have a twin sibling who also feels the same and we have always appreciated Cassandra's story as a way to cope with this treatment.

[@stevejorgensen1105]

As someone with ASD, married to a neurotypical, I think there is truth in that. I am definitely the one who is more likely to be rigid, and I am more rigid in most cases. When I am being rigid, however, I am also often thinking in a way that is obviously wrong (confused) to me later on, perhaps, even on the same day. I’m the cases in which my wife is rigid about something, she is much more likely to remain so.

[@victoryamartin9773]

Yes perhaps​ @@xCAEGxwhat is interpreted as "black or white" is our propensity to take everything as literal.

[@alie9236]

This is so so good! Thank you for posting this!

[@tahwsisiht123]

That is when someone works from experience. PRICELESS! Thank you! Validation is the very first step for one to rebuild oneself. It is just so Fr!@king far from a house!

[@tahwsisiht123]

Yeppp.... Online groups are traumatizing for me. I have very abusive experiences. Also doesn't help if I can't see and hear them. You have no way to measure up the person. It is a Russian rulett that I don't want to play. Sometimes people with unprocessed traumas or a down right toxic person can be deceptive.

[@MsVivian99]

I was never aware of this Cassandra complex. Very interesting and thought provoking. Great video and content. Colour blind comparison was good! I had to turn the speed down, and it was much better.

[@chrismaxwell1624]

I don't know it's exactly black or white thinking or a short cut. I'll give an example. This one's kind of funny. I put 1 definition to word. It make things easier process faster. I try to pick most common use of the word. This appears to others as black or white thinking. It's not really it just the other definition might take my few minutes to respond to you with.. So my wife texts. "I'm going to Costco and I'll have alittle gander around". How would you interpret this? My response: "Where did the goose come from?" Black and White, Gander means a male goose. This wasn't even unreasonable. I thought the cat might caught goose and dragged into the back yard. She had caught duck already. I never even occurred me that other definition was taking look around Costco. This lead to us laughing pretty hard. I image I had in my head to coming home to live goose that I'd have to deal with. I'm actually not a real black and white thinker. I just go to the most black and white response to reduce processing time. Had I not texted back right away I'd have figure out my wife meant a look around.

[@JodiCarlton]

LOL! This is a great story, and I'd attribute this to literal thinking more than black/white - I think your explanation of being a short-cut makes a lot of sense. My autistic daughter thinks a lot like you're describing. One time I was cleaning the fish tank and said "the fish are playing hide and seek." She shot back, "Mom! Why would they do that? Why would the fish play hide and seek?!" Once I explained my figurative meaning that they were hiding in the tank from my cleaning brush, we had a good laugh like you and your wife.

[@gjh9299]

this reminds me of bpd which I have. I chose not to have a partner its too painful.

[@spiralfirefly5521]

I feel that you have this so completely backwards! As the autistic half of a partnership I want to let you know that I spend multiple days a week in tears because I'm continuously being told that I'm lying, that I'm making it up, that that doesn't mean what I think it means, and that my reality is not real. I've told them over and over again that they don't have to believe what I believe, or see what I see, that I'm only offering the my own perspective. I'm being told that my perspectives are impossible, that my reality is not true, that I just want to be right, and I want them to be wrong, that I like to argue. I don't even understand why anybody has to be wrong! What is this about right and wrong? What the hell are they talking about? I hate arguing. I've almost offended by your video, because to say you speak of autistics as being unaware of lacking in nuance. In my lived experience it is the other persons over generalization and their assumption that my words mean something other than what I am saying that create the issue. I believe it's much more a factor of top down versus bottom up thinking that causes the conflict.

[@katem.7982]

It's hard especially if it's a parent

[@tahwsisiht123]

8:15 You can be so lonely in a relationship. Like one dying desert spring flower in the upcoming summer heat.

[@janorr1111]

Great great program!! Thank You! 😊

[@bryceehret8149]

So, as an autistic person who really likes dating, how do I avoid causing this? I'm really worried now.

[@MOJORAPSCALLION]

I’m AuDHD and found NT relationship this happened to me so opposite of what you state..

[@nancysmith9665]

They think I am an aspie. And I feel i have been gaslighted alot.

[@JodiCarlton]

Yes, it's definitely like that for so many autistic individuals, as well. I'll be doing another video soon from the neurodivergent perspective.

[@LaraKim]

Have you heard of the "Double Empathy" problem?

[@JodiCarlton]

Yes and I’ll be sharing more about that in my next video about Cassandra Syndrome and trauma as experienced by autistic individuals.

[@lilredheaded1]

This was extremely helpful. Thank you for creating and sharing. Much

[@JodiCarlton]

Glad it was helpful!

[@MsVivian99]

Wow top speed !

[@natashat2930]

She sped it up. If you slow down the play speed to 0.75, it will feel more natural. 😵‍💫😊

[@Noemi-u2m]

Excellently explained! I've lived this.

[@barbdaigle1214]

How many times I have said to myself…….If I did not know that I was a sensible, intelligent person I would Think I was an idiot if I listened to my ASD partner who disagrees and reframes most everything I say. Crazy making, I try to ignore as much as I can. No one else sees the problem. A therapist actually called me a “know it all”! That was only going to make it worse. The end!

[@anyalebeau1332]

Thank you for this. Its invaluable

[@dropdead_red]

@13:13 “The crazy one” huh, interesting choice of words

[@JodiCarlton]

Why is that?

[@GeminiPlatypus]

Maybe people of different neurotypes just shouldn't get into relationships. As an ND person I believe dating a neurotypical would be an uncomfortable experience for both of us, based on the evidence I've seen online and my own life experiences. Is it really worth if to try and bridge the gap? Wouldn't we all be better off with more compatible, like minded partners?

[@Cymricus]

Cassandra syndrome sounds kind of like unintentional “reverse gaslighting”

[@chrislevant817]

I told everyone that I had Cassandra Syndrome and they all believed me! 8:05

[@katem.7982]

Thank you thank you thank

[@nomadak723]

On autists and non-nuanced thinking: You're by no means claiming this to be a universal trait of autists. I'd like to add that the autists I know, including myself, usually think with a great deal of nuance, almost excessively so! We can have compartmentalized areas of black and white thinking, but right, that itself is hardly an absolute. Thanks for indulging that- I'm tired of the (general) stereotypes of autists as inflexible, unfeeling robots, and this week certain events have me feeling especially prickly with it, i spose!

[@1111fairy]

Hmm, idk because I am the autistic person and I feel like I give WAY more “space” to the allistic person and they are gaslighting/controlling ME.

[@JodiCarlton]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I will be releasing another video soon about how autistics experience trauma in relationships as well. To clarify, though, gaslighting/control in a relationship is not at all related to neurodiversity (neither autistics or allistics are inherently controlling, nor do they gaslight). To gaslight, by definition, is to intentionally invoke doubt in another person to get them to question their own thoughts, feelings, and reality. It's not the same as disagreeing and being argumentative, or even being demanding about personal preferences. Someone who is gaslighting has the intent of making another person feel crazy. It can SEEM like you're being gaslighted when someone regularly argues about who is right, what was said, etc., but there's a difference in intent - gaslighters are often lying about what they remember or what they know was said/done in order to throw the other person off balance. In your own relationship, if your reality is always being called into question, it's helpful to determine if this is malicious or intentionally for the purpose of making you feel crazy and to actually control your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to have power over you. That is an abusive partnership and is very harmful to you! If it's not malicious, it may be due to the drastic difference in how your brains process the world. It's worth investigating.

[@ninaschust3694]

So cool that I barely have to speed up your soundtrack to listen comfortably ❤

[@finnnnma]

I feel the need to slow this down shes talking so fast I can barely digest. Point in case, we are all different.

[@MsVivian99]

@@finnnnma hi I too had to turn speed down! The video was far too fast for some reason!

[@ninaschust3694]

@@finnnnma viva la difference ❤️

[@JodiCarlton]

@@finnnnmayes we’re all so different! This is the first time I’ve published a slightly sped up video and the response has been interesting. Many people prefer faster videos but I’m glad for the feedback like yours here. I’ll probably stick to normal speed in future videos.

[@francesbernard2445]

I am sorry to have to admit to you Jodi that your description of how 2 labelled brains often relate to one another only sounds like a shell game move to me.

[@LMPM83]

❤

[@jasoncookman3158]

Am I supposed to be watching this or is she supposed to be watching this? I feel like ifni watch all this it's cheating. I'm supposed to not be realizing I do this so if I know about it then I'm literally doing on purpose at that point t. It's therefore intentional and thus not jist appearing narcissistic but virtually narcissistic. Is it not? So I took a screen shot of the description of this video and tex tit to my wife and sent it to her tonight and I will see if she decidedms to watch thi tomorrow . Things have been so hard it seems since right about just when covid hit but I was in the midst of my alcoholism and pretty much addicted to 2 benzos plus 6 other meds so I was completely subdued and we now know that I was not healthy whatsoever and completely in space. Now with our 3 year old daughter we have to try to work on coming back together only in bits and pieces because we jist don't have hardly any time to do it

[@JanaeSmith]

All habits take practice. Talk to her about it instead. Be brave

[@RoachDoggJr435]

Why the fuck did you speed this up by 25%? I set playback speed to 0.75 and it's much better...

[@sportygirlplays]

I hate when people label people try couple them up usually one dosnt like the person its for a reason lol

[@EverydaySubversive]

This is pretty stereotypical understanding of Autistic people. Many of us are not black/white thinkers. We are more often the victims of abuse than abusers. Nearly 100% of us have cPTSD. I was the scapegoat child to 2 narcissistic alcoholics and a narc golden child brother. At 48 I am only now finding the words for my experience and I see mischaracterization of my diagnosis all the time. If you are not Autistic you really shouldn’t be talking about us and certainly not with such a broad brush stereotype.

[@JodiCarlton]

Hi there, and thanks for contributing to the conversation with your thoughts. Autism is a grouping of specific neurodivergent traits - without this grouping of stereotypical traits, autism would not be distinguishable, and no one would be considered autistic. Of course, not everyone who is autistic will manifest all of the traits associated with autism. It's interesting how individuals like yourself protest, saying "we're not all like that" when the implication is not that "all" autistics manifest a trait. If you listen to my videos or read my blogs, you'll see that I say "many," or "most," but rarely (if ever) "all." In your comment, you claim that 100% (all) of autistics have cPTSD. The autistic "all or nothing" (black/white) thinking is right here in your comment. Regarding trauma, although a childhood of narcissistic abuse like you've described certainly leads to cPTSD, I disagree with you that 100% of autistics have complex trauma. In over 20 years specializing in this field, and meeting thousands of autistic individuals, as well as having my own neurodivergent family of autistics, I know that many do not experience abuse or trauma. Yes, being autistic can result in trauma throughout life due to differences from others, but it is not the "norm" to grow up autistic in a narcissistic family. I'm very glad for you that you are getting some clarity, and hopefully help, for your trauma. I do agree that more often than not autistics are victims of abuse rather than being abusive, themselves, but this doesn't mean people in their lives aren't sometimes impacted in a way that is painful and traumatic due to years of confusing misunderstandings. Lastly, autistics are not the only ones qualified to discuss autism any more than narcissists or alcoholics are the only ones qualified to discuss narcissism or alcoholism. Again, that "black and white" way of thinking is not helpful for the purpose of bringing us all together to understand each other and promote connection.

[@dennisestenson7820]

4 minutes in and I still have no idea what you're talking about, like wtf is Cassandra syndrome. I give up.

[@Cranberries87]

Yeah, I was confused, I fast-forwarded to about the 5-minute mark to try and find out what it actually is.

[@peggycearnach8034]

Video is running a bit fast - can’t listen sorry.

[@JodiCarlton]

That was a mistake on our part. You can slow down the playback speed to get it slowed down. Sorry about that!

[@victoryamartin9773]

This isn't resonating with me. I have been outcast all my life for seeing and expressing the nuances of situations to black & white thinkers, who have always outnumbered me by multitudes. By your definition, should I conclude that I am neurotypical and the rest of the world is Autistic? I realize I am describing a black & white scenario in my question, which proves your point, lol.

[@JodiCarlton]

Hello and I'm glad you asked this question! The answer is not black and white. 🙃 Not all "absolute" thinkers are autistic and not all autistics are locked in to "all or nothing" thinking - this was an example of a common autistic trait in this video (and it is) to demonstrate how this specific trait difference in partners can create trauma over time. But, to determine if you are neurotypical or neurodivergent (could also be ADHD and/or have high IQ), I'd have to learn more about your other traits and characteristics. Being neurotypical is about mostly having the most commonly occurring neurodevelopmental and social/relational traits whereas neurodivergence is about having groupings of traits (ADHD and autism are two different groupings of traits) that are less commonly occurring in the general population. Hope that helps!

[@claireh.7605]

If you took Research in college, you would know those self fill in surveys on the Cassandra Syndrome therapist’s website are not very valid research. She just has pissed off burnt out middle aged women unhappy with their autistic husbands who ignore them go to her for emotional support and an outlet to complain. I knew an autistic self diagnosed guy obsessed with this Cassandra syndrome; then he did some Buddhism meditations, realized he is not autistic, and found a girlfriend. Perhaps.. complaining is not a mentally healthy practice and should not be killed by therapists to get money out of women

[@neuroticnation144]

It would be helpful if you could define your subject up front, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense until you do. I think there is a lot of crossover between a woman’s “normal” daily experience and the Cassandra syndrome. A LOT of women feel unheard, undervalued, disbelieved, ignored, looked down on, etc. especially where men are involved. I found this video unnecessarily triggering, you paint all autistic people with the same brush, and that is wrong. You are talking about a certain segment of autistic people, typically male, not ALL autistic people.

[@priusa8113]

Can u please speak slower?! Thanks ❤

[@monyrachan8568]

Why talk to fast ?

[@MyHumanSuit]

Omg... could this be what is happening with my son and I? 🫣 We are both autistic...I was just recently diagnosed at 49 years old 9and he and I do this. Both of us will think the other is gaslighting but we swear we're not we're just not understanding the words at the time with the context and feelings. Boy, now this is going to take some work. 😮‍💨 I'm going to mention this in therapy. Thank you so much for the words! 🙏

[@JodiCarlton]

I’m so glad this was helpful to you!