Casual Sex Culture Is Toxic For People Who Were Neglected/Abandoned In Childhood

[@buddyneher9359]

"Sex is never casual for somebody with an attachment wound" - I would like to see this as a wall plaque!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

For real! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@grammytina373]

I love it!

[@Shay4YourMind81]

Yes, this is so accurate!

[@biondna7984]

Amen.

[@tammyflanders3123]

So true

[@grinklar10]

Sex is easy. Having someone that will pick you up at the airport at 3:00 am is a commitment.

[@cappygurl]

As a woman I am getting away from those behaviors. I also had to keep in mind is this man who I am giving the most precious thing to my body and heart someone, that I can call in the middle of the night if I get stranded on the road.

[@dlight2669]

Uber

[@aminahs9828]

Not really, some men will go to great lengths if sex is on the horizon

[@skyejacques]

Or to understand mental health or physical health issues, dysfunctional families.... Men need to heal their own stuff first

[@gurlycash7394]

My attachment issue is so bad that I'll call roadside assistance, my step-dad, Uber, my son in a year when he gets his license. I'm exhausted from relationships, I meet a lot of selfish guys

[@lynneivison5773]

At 67 I can honestly say I felt pressurised by society to sleep with boyfriends - this culture was incredibly damaging to me

[@beachgirl4]

Same

[@transwomenaresexistmen]

It's a difficult lesson to learn. I bet money in the comments we will see men blaming feminists for this.

[@Dbb27]

Same. But I learned the lesson the second episode of my life.

[@margaretlouiseable]

The movies from the '60's and '70's were not helpful. I am one of you. God bless our Fairy!

[@mrunixman1579]

Society is brainwashed in to having casual sex because virginity after certain age is not cool or something like that. Even men are pressured in to things like this too.

[@SHIVAAAA100]

I’ve been celibate for almost 6 months! Best decision ever. Not my first time or longest time being celibate but it’s my first time intentionally doing it as an adult. I will never go back to “casual” sex. Love me or leave me alone.

[@IngeDingy]

That’s incredible self love right there 👏🏻

[@catic6587]

Wow! I am the same. 43 now and still learning

[@littlewillowlinda]

It's been like 3 years for me and an ex "fling" came back and i asserted myself and was so proud lol

[@manda_musings8459]

YES! Exactly!

[@Nowindresistance]

I’m coming up on my 5 year celibacy anniversary 🎉 lol

[@tyd8077]

The entire reason I didn't date for my entire young adulthood was because I literally thought sex within a few dates was a requirement and was petrified to have to offer myself up to a stranger. So I just didn't date at all and I missed out on a lot. Or, maybe I didn't miss much at all, who knows.

[@pamelatoombs4150]

You missed out on a lot of heart ache, shame & regret...

[@leahflower9924]

You missed out on a lot of duds lol

[@angelicavazquez6946]

You missed out on a lot of narcissists, unwanted pregnancies, broken heart that doesn't fully heal because once you're in the loop of casual sex, you mistakenly think getting over someone means getting under someone else. You missed a lot of traumatic experiences, that's for sure. Oh and STDs, and getting cheated on. The list goes on and on ...

[@stormyskyz7881]

I literally can NOT have sex with someone I didn’t know. That has filtered out the assholes. I’m happy in a relationship with a guy that asked me to be his girlfriend before I actually was asked to have sex

[@grammytina373]

@@stormyskyz7881 YES! He sounds like a keeper!

[@rokcudow]

I've been celibate for over 5 years now and I'm not going to have casual sex any more. It's so damaging to sleep with someone who doesn't want to invest in relationship. I hope to find someone who will be my life partner and not only sex partner.

[@v9b23j]

Don't trade your values with your need for validation; it's driven by fear of rejection and abandonment and leads to low self esteem. Let people walk away for advocating your needs. The person you must be most loyal to is yourself.

[@Portia620]

Intelligent! ❤

[@biondna7984]

At 69, I'm a poster child of women who had volatile, absent parents, and one an angry, depressed alcoholic. In the 70s I rejoiced at the advent of oral contraceptives. I decided to use the song's advice "You'd Better Shop Around." Divorce was rampant, I'd seen how men treated women, and how they spoke of them, with contempt and dismissal. My attitude was: fine; we'll play it your way. I got a nickname, "Heartbreaker." I'm not proud of that; I was young and bitter. I never dared hope for love. 20 years alcohol-free and having had a second marriage that was heaven on earth - we were both sober and willing to work with each other - I don't entirely regret the empty sex, but no way am I going back to it. Now that I'm widowed, I'll be dating slowly and methodically. I can spot the "casual sex" jackals a mile away: they're instantly seductive and flattering.

[@di3486]

Seductive and flattering = Narcissist red flag

[@grammytina373]

I did that too without actually meaning to. I had been abused so badly by my step-dad and then my first husband that I would get scared and drop the relationship and disappear.

[@Priasbcbeist]

Good luck cause they all want something casual

[@Portia620]

Wait I’m seductive too. 😂😂 yikes! Not all are bad. Time always shows true intentions and some of us just misstep and I’m a woman! Use to marriage where he seduced me and I loved to flirt and he shut me down. I’m learning

[@Portia620]

@@di3486not always 😂. I’m seductive.

[@grammytina373]

I just ended a relationship that never actually got started. I'm 72 and this very attractive younger man (58) kept showing interest in me. Feeling self conscious about my 72 year old body, I canceled our plans twice. So I didn't expect him to call me again. And he never had been very good about calling me or letting me know if he's in town (he's a trucker). Then he suddenly showed up at my door a few weeks later and wanted to fool around. We are both Christians so we did fool around without intercourse and afterwards he said that he had always been curious about having sex with an older woman. That was disturbing! Then we sat in the livingroom talking and even had a Bible study. But he kept saying some pretty insulting things to me, just matter-of-factly, until I finally told him to leave. I admit that I had thought about how nice it would be to have a husband that much younger than I. It just about killed me when my late husband died and I remember saying to my daughter that next time I'm going to marry someone younger who won't die before me. But you're absolutely right about society encouraging non-committal romances. I appreciate you giving me permission to ask for a commitment before sex. It's like we need that now... permission to ask for a commitment. If I can't get that I will be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life alone, especially if they are abusive in any way.

[@di3486]

People used to marry before “fooling” just saying.

[@grammytina373]

@di3486 yes, and that's what the Lord wants.

[@Dori9111]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and how he devalued you! You deserve a kind, good-hearted partner - especially after having gone through the loss of your husband

[@Forgot_We_Were_Human]

"i DoN't WaNt CoMmItMeNt" Every time I hear this now I roll my eyes. We really just be out here settling for this huh? No more guys! We deserve better! And thank you Anna for telling everyone not to settle for it! You are the voice of reason and clarity that so many of us need.

[@Portia620]

Me too .. eye roll and more eye rolling with habit. Sx with temporary people! No thanks

[@manda_musings8459]

I finally grew up out of this phase of my life after some therapy and emotional maturation. I have boundaries and self respect now at 38 years old. I wish it had been sooner but better late than never.

[@gal1885]

I could have written this exact comment! I am missing the physical intimacy, but not the days/weeks of crying, depression, confusion, isolation, and withdrawal after.

[@bittersweetindustryexecutive]

@Gal Every human being longs for an authentic connection with someone. The thing is, people who have experienced some form of trauma in their life tend to be more or less detached/ disconnected from themselves. With that in mind, them trying hard to establish a deep connection with someone is only gonna be felt at a superficial level. Meaning: the desire to have that connection is real and heartfelt, but the way it then comes back to them is all skewed and distorted. The only real solution to this would be to heal yourself as much as you can. (Alone and/or with help). Otherwise, this whole mechanism keeps creating a vicious circle that renders itself indefinitely. Authentic desire > You looking out for it > it triggering a certain response in you, wreaking havoc within you > you not wanting/shunning that desire > you self-depricating > you feeling miserable > you wanting to not feel miserable again > you trying to have your wants and needs met again > you looking out for it > AND THEN IT ALL STARTS OVER AGAIN. So, all in all, the better you succeed at being connected/attached to yourself (without being ripped apart emotionally and without the urge to escape or numb yourself) the more likely it is that you will feel that fulfilment and joy of having a connection with someone. Yet, the first person you need to establish a connection with is yourself. Imo, the best way to do that is by practising some form of meditation/mindfulness/yoga. As these teach you how to be in control of your mind and body, while at the same time being inundated with a myriad of (sometimes conflicting and self-compromising) thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations. You learn that, maybe contrary to what you believe, you don't have to follow their lead and you don't have to be a slave to them forever. Just start out with 1, 2 min a day and slowly build it up towards, say, 5, 10, 15 min. Regarding meditation, for example, just sitting still in a chair (or whatever feels comfortable for you) and letting EVERYTHING pass you by. Try to ignore the urge to jump out of your chair and run off. Or act out on a particular emotion that pops up. Or get lost in a train of thought that gets you tangled up in negativity, doom and gloom. The more you practise, the better you get at this. Consistency is key here. Little baby steps at a time. Not at all saying, it's easy. Just saying, things can change for the better. All you need is the discipline, the resolve and the patience to put in the work necessary for healing. And the believe and trust to pull through when faced with setbacks and bumps in the road. I sincerely wish you the best of luck on your journey towards healing.

[@roxydee1452]

Yep, definitely do NOT "stay friends". My college boyfriend (in hindsight, a covert Narcissist) downgraded me to "friends with benefits" and became meaner and nastier to me than when we were officially dating. I eventually woke up and deliberately distanced myself then later found out he went back to fooling about with his ex before me, also in a "FWB" arrangement. It just fuels their sense of entitlement.

[@1m_slaying]

THIS is me

[@charcoal8]

Abandonment melange sounds like a dessert from the great depression, with no sugar in it. It does describe the feelings perfectly though.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

LOL that's really great imagery! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@DaphneBissette]

This is the best thing I've seen all week 😂... thank you!

[@cristinavieira46]

😂great analogy!

[@solitarymystic4672]

Not just toxic, it is traumatizing

[@runningwithscissors1564]

I’m just going to be blunt. Those unbothered by casual sex are usually unhealthy individuals.

[@di3486]

EXACTLY!

[@pamelatoombs4150]

Yep, and this one gets so much help from Anna. Trying to be healthy.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Unhealthy and/or unhealed. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@aminahs9828]

Exactly because sex is leading to an emotional bond and denying this is really unhealthy. It also has an element of lack of self respect to me. Why share your body and something this intimate with a stranger?

[@Portia620]

😂 agreed!!!!! Many of them out there and no thanks!

[@Dbb27]

Best thing I ever decided when I got divorced was to keep my pants on. It was pretty funny watching the love bombers grow frustrated and disappear. One guy sent me a dozen roses every day for a week. Then he disappeared. Poof! Figured out he wasn’t getting any. 😎😆

[@di3486]

That gesture will be a massive red flag for me! So creepy!

[@leahflower9924]

Yeah I think the problem is when we don't keep pants on we have ways of bonding based on oxytocin or adrenaline or dopamine or whatever lol and it clouds our judgement and if we have trauma I feel like we bond stronger because we want a connection so bad

[@Dbb27]

@@leahflower9924 definitely. I did read sperm actually has a chemical that bonds a woman to a man. Not sure that’s true but something definitely happens once we’ve been intimate.

[@ckl5801]

I’m so thankful I finally came to the realization and admitted a core value of mine is marriage. This helped me to escape a recent offer to enter a casual relationship without boundaries that would be going “nowhere”. 😮

[@Brenaenae]

If everyone thought like this, the world would be a much better place! ❤

[@littlewillowlinda]

I feel like the core value for you was trust and commitment more than the marriage itself, idk if marriage can be a value (i might be wrong though!) bc if you got those elements thru a bf or friend your needs would still be met 💙

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good for you! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@oaktreedialogues6318]

@@littlewillowlinda I think marriage is an objective sign of that level of trust and commitment. Choosing to marry someone communicates that intention. While it is no guarantee, it reassures me, while bf /gf is an easier, default option for a relationship, which requires no decision.

[@mymentorjane6705]

Oh boy! Does this sound like me in my 20s and 30s. The result was repeated heartbreak and three abortions. Your message is so important. God bless you for it. May I link this to my abortion healing videos?

[@TheMidnightModder]

May God bless your work and your ministry

[@mymentorjane6705]

@@aoife6588 my KZbin channel is My Mentor Jane.

[@dlm972]

You always talk about friends and that you should spend time with friends instead of running to relationships... and that makes sense. But what if you don't have friends? What if your trauma and attachment wounds extend to your relationships with people in general- partners, friends, family, coworkers, the world at large ... what if you're alone in the world, and no matter how much you try to find your "tribe," you don't really connect with people and so even if you're around people you're drowning in loneliness...

[@Moonietie]

Keep pushing and practising. It takes time. Social situations for is like doing the dishes, I dont always want to do it but I take a breath and say here we go and get on with it, and usually feel better for it, even if I'm anxious and I come home with a head full of thoughts like 'God why did I say that, they must think I'm so weird,' I still feel pleased with myself for doing it

[@emilyashley4820]

@@Moonietie Good points. And be comfortable with your own company. It's okay to be a tribe of one until you can find trustworthy friends. Read. Find support in books. Also realize that not everyone is your rejecting family who didn't allow you to be part of their tribe. Volunteer. Peace.

[@reikicowgirl9817]

I’m right there with you, DLM. I did not come from alcoholic, abusive or narcissistic parents, however, I was a latchkey kid with a sibling who was all of those things (and still is). In addition, I was bullied relentlessly by the girls in my neighborhood to the point that I do not trust females AT ALL. I have had to figure out all of this without the help of these mythical “friends” that I have never had.

[@terr1]

Loneliness is a terrible feeling I've always felt lonely even amidst people so it's intrinsic for me . I've discovered meditation as a way of connecting with myself & feeling grounded ; I definitely recommend it. I have raised a loving family of 4 children ; my work place is a place of social connections however that doesn't extend outside of work; I deal with chronic fatigue & have limited energy to socialize but also dont have much desire to , so I have obstacles to connection. I love this channel & my Tibetan Buddhist nuns on you tube ; I have a couple of good friends who are like me so we only touch base every 6 months but I have 1 friend I see every couple of weeks & consider myself very lucky . Friends do not have to come in quantity but quality I feel. I feel it's hard to find friends; a lot of people have no space for more relationships in their busy lives or are like me & too tired for them ; I really hope you can find someone to develop a friendship with . Sending 💕

[@grammytina373]

Yes, I can totally relate. My prayers are with you. I moved out of state a year ago, and I've met 2 women friends here. The first one got worried about me because I had my phone off one day because I hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, and she showed up and pounded on my doors and windows and told me that I should never turn off my phone in case someone tries to call me. But the way she acted was very narcissistic! I could tell that she wasn't really worried about me. She was mad because she thought that I was ignoring her. I ignore everyone when I need sleep. Then the other woman friend invited me to stay with her and let her take care of me after I had surgery. So I did, and she turned into Nurse Rached as soon as the dynamic of our relationship turned into me being the patient and she was the nurse. I've been so abused that I am very careful about asking for anything or giving feedback so as not to sound like I'm complaining. But she got upset about every single thing that I said or did. Then the stress got to me and I decided that I needed to go home. Then she got upset and started throwing my things around and knocked my TV onto the floor. That got me so stressed out that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I had my handyman come pick me up and bring my things home because I was so scared of what she might do next. So much for counting on lady friends to keep my mind off of men!

[@Juniperus_Godegara]

I like so much that Anna also doesn't like the term 'high/low-value' person as it is quite dehumanizing. Value refers to the quantification of a person but that drags down the eternity of the individual's soul.

[@FreePalestine123-b1x]

I highly recommend reading a book by Louise Perry called A Case Against the Sexual Revolution. There's actually loads of content / interviews with her on KZbin, too. She shares so much wisdom on the topic. Sex is not like shaking hands, it's a spiritual act and sacred. Simple.

[@creativelifechannel]

I knew relationships were doomed .... I had one man tell me that. And still, I held on for years until he walked out two days before New Year's Eve. I was devastated. This man had bipolar and some substance abuse. And yes. I understand.

[@JayMakepeaceAllan]

Casual sex was never part of my lexicon. Quite the opposite. As a male having been sexually abused at a very young age, and as the scapegoat child being constantly made to feel useless, broken, and unattractive, I did not have sex with anyone until I was nearly twenty-four. I married that person. As many do, that marriage ended and badly. I did have other partners after that including another spouse, but physical intimacy was never a casual thing for me nor an easy one. In the early part of my life sex quite frankly scared the crap out of me and I didn't think anybody would want me that way. As a result, in retrospect I missed out on what could have been many enjoyable and fulfilling experiences with women who were attracted to me and interested in intimacy. CPTSD can go the other direction with regards to sexuality and not in a healthy way.

[@Dbb27]

That’s rough. Thank goodness there’s so much discussion about good mental health now and we don’t have to live in our past.

[@di3486]

Very same (not abused that way but made to feel deep shame about sexuality) also married to my first bf and first everything (at 30). I am glad I didn’t expose myself to that magnitude of disappointment.

[@monicricri]

Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty

[@mistero4]

Thankyou for speaking like this as a man. I was at once so convinced that I was totally unloveable and missing out that I took a short cut and got involved with a couple. It ruined me. The bond between love and sex was gone.

[@Priasbcbeist]

I’m sorry

[@muralla4000]

I'm a gay man. The casual sex is very prevalent in modern gay culture. cPTSD is part of my life too. And I feel alone in the mid of this hypersexualized culture.

[@francesbeth2077]

To me sleeping with someone did not make me think I was cool or part of a culture. I just wanted to be loved and give love. I never bragged about it or discussed it with anyone. I now realize I should of had boundaries because these men never really loved me and were never able to give mature, healthy love. It was always one sided. Their side and their timeline. Now, I do not know what true love is. I am tired of being in doubt with no discussion of a real future. I do not see people as high or low value. I never did. I think everyone has high value, because I am a Christian. For me I am abstaining because I created my own boundaries. Not because I am high value or cool, but because it's now my timeline not theirs. Romance is rushing in...but it doesn't mean anything. I want someone mature and stable. I want to discuss a real partnership about all important matters. And I will not be duped again. Marriage is important as is a significant partnership and should be done with intention and not rushed, at least for me. Why not be certain? Don't marry just because you want to be married, marry because the person standing next to you loves you and you love them. Date someone because you love their values not just because they like you. Take your time. It isn't a race. Be certain as much as you can and don't let them pressure you, even though you have a deep need to be loved. First let God love you by following his commandments. It's the best way to know someone intimately..not the bedroom. Lesson learned.

[@alexisgilley3948]

Proud of you. ❤

[@francesbeth2077]

@@alexisgilley3948 🙂

[@photographylover87]

It’s not always the man not being “into her” per-say; sometimes the man isn’t ready due to fear, low self-esteem, mental health issues, a player, narcissism… Either way, whether he’s into you or he’s into you but hesitant, it’s best to start clear. It WILL bring heartache and sometimes trauma if the situationship goes on long enough.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing this. -Calista@TeamFairy

[@genxx2724]

Per se. The same man who “isn’t ready for a relationship” and “can’t give you what you want” will quickly commit to and even marry someone else.

[@niebieskimotyl3308]

Growing up around people who were all unhappily married, father cheated on my mum, other people in family staying together because of financial reasons (talking about it aloud). Only happy couple were my grandparents, when my grandpa died at 75, my grandmother went depressed for 15 years and never recovered. I didn't want to marry at all, got proposed couple of times but run away. Only now I'm meeting people who are happy together, they have kids around my kid age and I can see that marriage can be nice, helpful, loving, carrying, not being trapped and cheating. Hopefully I'll meet someone nice for myself, who would be also good for my son.

[@Leftatalbuquerque]

I was part of the 1980's/90's Gay Community where it seemed that Sex was King - the Baths, the parks, the idea of So Many Men, So Little Time, and everyone seemed to be cool with it. Gay Media was all about the Sex Scene and very little about it focussed on Relationships. I was the odd one out for wanting to fall in love and build a life with someone I was attracted to.

[@Aisha_babii]

Did you ever? My best friend is gay and all he talks about is bathhouses and multiple sexcapades… he’s never been in a relationship and is struggling to find a partner in the gay scene

[@Leftatalbuquerque]

@@Aisha_babii My theory is that gay men come out of childhood and adolescence so damaged that anonymous sex is all they are capable of.

[@lizvtaz6]

I am a lesbian and I was a part of the "lesbian scene" in Moscow during the late 2000s. You know what... Everyone dated someone but everyone had casual sex with everyone regardless. I neither dated or had sex with people. I did not want a relationship but casual sex was not for me. I was just hanging out with people watching them have sex :D

[@anewlifestirring]

Thank you for this very helpful presentation. Avoidant personality disorders that result from childhood neglect and abuse are no doubt an important factor that contribute to the choice of irresponsible sexual behaviours. I would be happy to access any scientific data you might suggest

[@findelka1810]

you mentioned childbirth as a major trauma trigger. Can you do a video about this if you don’t have one already? (I searched for it but couldn’t find) I have major difficulty bonding with my children, I get dysregulated when they are dysregulated (less and less since I’m aware) and childbirth was very traumatic on many levels (even though nothing really bad happened). I never even wanted children. But I do love them and feel very responsible for how I bring them up. I don’t want to damage them and want to stop the multi-generational trauma that went on in my family. So if you were to elaborate on this aspect, that would be highly appreciated! Thank you for all your invaluable work! Your videos made the picture come together.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Noted :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rocheclip]

I am 40 years old and just figured out that not only have I been a " cool girl," I'm also quite limerent once I bond and find out they don't want me in that way. Abandonment wounds suck. Healing can be so tough.... Trying to focus on my healing now

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching and good luck on your healing journey! Daily Practice (a free course Anna often recommends) can help, if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

[@samco63]

This is true. I Also, I disagree with the “he’s just not into you” thing. I think it’s too simplified. It’s too easy for the receiver of that to internalise they aren’t good enough - especially if someone is using you as a pseudo relationship AND initiating everything with you I think this *could* be true but sometimes its because they aren’t good enough for you, and know you will be too much work - not in a bad way, but as in, you’re not as easily controlled or they feel intimidated because you’re not worshipping them like a fan

[@Denise11Schultz]

•This is a great education in being respectful, to self and others. I remember as a teenager thinking that my parents’ generation was not cool because they wanted certain conditions to be met before sex. •Now at 67, I wish I had been cool enough to listen to them. The effects I was considering were in my teens and twenties. They were thinking of the effects that didn’t happen until my thirties and beyond. •I was still quite conservative, but it was not enough to take care of myself the way you describe, Fairy, thank you. And thanks, Mom and Dad. 🙏💙👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🕊

[@LaraUAE]

She’s shaking the table! I hope more women hear this and wake up!

[@roxydee1452]

I have to say I commend the letter-writer for having The Conversation with that guy - better late than never - instead of Playing Games. There is a hoarde of information online about how to get a casual hook-up or FWB to break down and ask you for a commitment... and frankly, it's total BS. One pearl of wisdom I recall is a young guy advising women to say to their FWB: "I've been seeing this guy who's a personal trainer at the gym. He's asked me for a commitment... and I'm thinking about it." I once genuinely ended a hook-up situation telling the guy I could no longer see him because I had "met someone who asked me to go steady". I genuinely had... but my FWB did NOT become all jealous and suddenly want me all for himself! I think he just said, "Good for you, take care." I don't really remember cos luckily I wasn't trying to test or bait him, and I certainly didn't throw in any silly stories about the guy being a model/ investment banker/ action hero...!

[@mayohsetsuna]

I was definitely a “cool girl” who was spiraling out of control with the casual sex. After my first failed marriage I started to pick up the old habits again… Then I slapped some sense into me. I could weed out the bad guys - even just stating the obvious on a dating profile actually is a step in the right direction. (And of course being honest with myself and upfront with any potential partners) I’m currently in a healthy relationship. We passed the first year milestone. We both actually have crappy childhood traumas and previous relationship issues. But we are both SUPER honest and talk thing out whenever hiccups arise. Its amazing how talking to people instead of holding back is actually refreshing, and standing your ground when you want something specific. I wish I had talked to any and all previous encounters. I could have avoided so much personal heartbreak!

[@Priasbcbeist]

💯 and it WILL damage you if not working on yourself already

[@waterdragon5418]

I always believed that I was just old fashioned.

[@1HorseOpenSlay]

I have that conversation early, and then go, but so far absolutely no one has come along that would be a good match. It's also fine to just be single forever, it's better than the alternative. I'm so glad I didn't stay in those relationships. It's really nice and peaceful and I don't feel compromised 🌞

[@inacuro9385]

I totally agree with what you said on this video. A very good advice that my therapist said to me is never sell yourself short!!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing that. Thats good advice. Jack@TeamFairy

[@hopefulspectator6573]

Really love this woman and her videos

[@pixie3458]

19:20 we forget that sex for women is physically invasive and far more risky on so many levels. Only a man who understands this is worth having

[@ilikemaline]

Anna I just want to thank you because you have really shown me what I have been doing wrong. I used to be the cool, casual girl because everyone around me was like that. I got my heart broken so many times but I was also so afraid of commitment and getting close and opening to someone so it was just a recipe for disaster. At 35 I finally saw what was going on and I cut out all of the men in my life that were "friends" or exs or just some people I have no idea why I was putting my energy into them. I mean, I do know, I could daydream about having relationships with them from a distance and when I cut everybody out of my life I felt like I would die. I felt this horrible loneliness I have been suppressing all my life now staring me in the face. Some months after that I met someone who was really a kind person and it started out really positive, him putting a lot of energy into having a relationship with me but when we had a serious conversation about where this is going I saw we do not want the same things and I ended it immediately for what I was very proud of myself (I still know I should have done it sooner, not after having sex with him). But I blocked him and keep watching videos to not go back an invest into something that would only give me crumbs although I still have days I feel so heartbroken about it. I just turned 36 and have this huge fear I missed all of my chances to meet someone. But I don't want to put my heart into relationships that make me feel bad and lonely anymore and if I do meet someone who wants what I want I have no baggage and exes lurking around. I don't want to act out of fear and want to move forward with intention.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hear you. I know it can be difficult and sometimes lonely not being in a relationship, but I want to emphasize how amazing it is that you are putting your needs first and not allowing yourself to settle. You said it perfectly, acting with intention rather than out of fear is essential to finding what you want, and you deserve good things in life! Good for you for working toward that. Thank you for your kinds words for Anna, I'll sure she'll want to read this. -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ilikemaline]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Tank you Calista for your kind words!

[@lilafeldman8630]

Very true. I think that the "anything goes" message is harmful and damaging for people with CPTSD. Likewise, I also think that overly religious values are just as harmful. It doesn't leave any room for healthy exploration of feelings and relationships.

[@shinewithinthedark]

I don't know why but -- the morning after I fooled around with someone, I always fell into a spiralling, deep depression where I'd cry my eyes out... It's even led me to calling helplines. I wouldn't even go all the way with these guys.. I'd just kiss them, and it'd lead me to spiral mentally the day after. Have no clue.

[@creativelifechannel]

oh yes... now you tell me! Where were you? It took me until age 58 to find a healthy relationship.

[@gglin5595]

You are the best to explain everything that is hurting our hearts 💕. Thank you so much for making this video. ❤️ from California

[@benn1614]

Abandonment melange/ limerance /envy all combined to just drive me crazy till I found this woman. Word can’t say how you have gotten me to a better place. I hate me 90% less.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yay! So glad you are here! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

[@pinkrabbit7672]

I felt every word was directed to me ... And in the most encouraging hope-insighting and full of so much wisdom . It is tough but I will overcome these fears and patterns. Thank you dearest Fairy 💗 really good and well explained!! 💥🔥❣️ And thank you Bridget for sharing this with Anna, and for being so honest and so brave. You are a true warrior !

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! Glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@gracepurcell7825]

I've gotten so much from these videos in only 3 days than I have from being in therapy on/off for over 30 years. You say fairy..but I say angel 😇 Thank you from the bottom of my wounded heart..thank you.

[@drodlaren]

Thank you for all of your videos. You really helped me today when i felt very misunderstood by my peers. Thank you for talking about such specific topics, not everything hits, but those that do reeeally do!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We appreciate the support. Jack@TeamFairy

[@monicricri]

Thank you!! I feel normal about this now

[@mpv9866]

"When one intimately interacts via intercourse with another individual, they are quantumly interacting/entangling with every sex partner that person has ever been with, and their traumas"

[@little_wonderer9290]

I was in my 20s when Sex and the City came out. Although I still enjoy the show, I see it now for what it really was (and created/written by a homosexual man, no less)

[@wkrapek]

11:50 I just downloaded Archer Dating for Gays, and that’s exactly what I’m putting: coffee, then coffee with a muffin, then maybe dinner.

[@Powerhaus88]

Casual sex is damaging to everyone, irrelevant of what their background or childhood is or was like.

[@nicoleevaherbst7306]

I agree with everything you've said CCF. Generally speaking I am totally onboard your perspective and analysis in your videos. However, I think we as a human species (especially us women) are always looking for clarity in regards to intimacy and romantic relationships. I had a situation recently where I was two months separated from my boyfriend. We had been living together so it was more of a serious relationship. I was heartbroken, wanting to work things out, vulnerable etc. I took up a casual hookup fling with an old flame who I used to be in love with for years and wanted a relationship with but it never happened back in the day. Well, when I announced I was newly single he came running. I told him I was "not looking for anything serious" he accepted these terms and we had a sexual relationship that lasted for a little over a month. It was a good time, I really enjoyed myself and all that but I didn't try to pursue a relationship because I was still hung up on my ex. This old flame began suggesting we take a trip together and yada yada, basically I didn't want him thinking there was the possibility of things going further between us at this point in time. Me and my ex decided to work things out and got back together a few weeks later. All that being said, I do think it's possible to have real feelings for someone that you are seeing in a more casual capacity but not necessarily be ready, willing and able to pursue a new relationship. That's not "just being nice" there were simply other factors involved.

[@pinkrabbit7672]

".. your life is precious, the love and partnership that you have to give is like GOLDEN DIAMONDS!! .." 💥💗😍

[@ar-iz4ld]

The problem arises when you find a good partner who's there for you but because of your wounds you distance yourself from them and unconsciously hurt them in a relationship...i think for a person like this self awareness is imp and finding the same person who's self aware is imp...there are alot of people roaming, denying that they have wounds and unresolved trauma and as a result traumatize the normal person that they are with

[@alera520]

Wow the more I listen the more I know I’m on my way of healing.. i did this with someone that came from my past but, he tried to bust my boundaries

[@LizzyAnn_Comedy]

Uh this is crazy. I could have written this exact same letter. I just had to “break up” with a pretend boyfriend of 2 years.

[@jurikirsteinhgel4945]

As a guy, people rarely know whether I am into them or not... And that's how I want it to be, unless I really trust someone. A lot of people have been manipulative if I told them that I cared about them.

[@jurikirsteinhgel4945]

I was once asked to be friends with benefits with a girl. And I was grieving, so I had a need for more time for thought. But she moved to Norway, and since then I have been in love with her. Hoping she will come back to me

[@thomaswaffle5121]

I have no way of looking for the right one. I don't believe in the business contract known as a marriage certificate but I do believe in getting to know someone before anything happens and loyalty until we figure it out. I don't believe in manipulation or control. And, in case no one has noticed, the systems way tends to be backwards.

[@abcek6006]

When you say, that friends are so important. I totally agree but inst it hard to get friends with these issues. For me at least it is. Also i have noticed, that with connecting to someone. For me the acception comes first. And then i can build a relationship. That is normal I guess. if i feel accepted i can open up. And i dont really ask questions or have criticism about that person because hell they accept me. I really like that you say that taking it slow is really important and getting clear on what you need. Not what the other need no what do you need. A lifelong practice, especially when you had environments that made you feel like what you experienced was not important. And that it is more important to meet someone else needs to be accepted. God i had parents with low self esteem. So they totally passed that down to me. And on top of it making me feel bad about it. I am a bit of a mess. But hanging in there:) thank you for your work

[@Stillpril]

I don't think that casual approach really works for anybody but players. there's a reason divorce rates are what they are and infidelity is all but normalized

[@vigortheone3527]

I can definitely say this isn’t just a “woman-thing”. This happened to me as a man not long ago. Trying to be the nice guy, being in a intimate “relationship” with a woman, who used me for sex and keeping me on the side while she was a married woman.

[@Dbb27]

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry. There are some people who are just downright evil. A friend of mine was in that situation. She bumped into him at a restaurant with his wife, put two and two together and called him out in front of his wife. She didn’t hesitate to make a scene. Then she left.

[@pril-365]

❤️‍🔥Toxic is an understatement

[@Karenmariepombagira]

I hate when people think just because other people really sleep around fast casually it's OK for everyone to do the same.

[@cristinavieira46]

There’s definitely a pressure (from our society) to do it.

[@CB-ei6ez]

Wish i found this video prior to my last relationship, I agree with Anna, those of us with cptsd, shouldn't be rushing into casual relationships, I come from a very macho type of culture where sleeping around was encouraged almost like a badge of honor, that never really resonated with me, and as a result my father would think that I was gay.

[@alera520]

I have similar and same stability is what I long the most.. trying to stabilize again after scape away from an violence partner.. I find now on the streets thing I never though I would in a million years and isolated as I find out I have no friends

[@Hope_is_Love]

Definitely needed this. Thank you 💟

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching. Jack@TeamFairy

[@pinkrabbit7672]

To all the incredible brave souls here on The Fairie's channel: "SHINE ON YOU GOLDEN DIAMONDS"!!! 🌟💎🌈✨

[@chilloften]

Pace yourself people. Love this advice.

[@gregandcarrie2]

how are "mental health" people so utterly uneducated on this??? I hate thinking it's because it could potentially affect their income stream, but I'm leaning more and more that way. Keep us on the hamster wheel without any real solution. It is unconscionable that the "prescriptions" of breath work, journaling, meditation, calmness, removal from toxic environments aren't given.

[@kathyingram3061]

~Did you mean to write 'arent given' ???~

[@disorganizedclutter5513]

@@kathyingram3061 Well for sure they never tell us to leave toxic environments. They do sometimes say to meditate or journal and just stay calm/shut down your emotions and take it. They definitely push medication.

[@di3486]

Removing yourself from toxic situations and developing self-discipline to stay out should be your ultimate goal.

[@ludmilamaiolini6811]

As a psychiatrist, it also baffles me… I’m not American, but in my country people have an almost religious attachment to certain approaches that just don’t see trauma as trauma and they can become offended if you suggest alternatives, like their school of thought isn’t good enough

[@disorganizedclutter5513]

@@ludmilamaiolini6811 My only explanation is that all the professionals are narcissists.

[@thekajalflaneur]

Casual sex is a myth, you can't just fornicate with someone and NOT feel something. The only way to feel little in a casual conjoining, is either though the dissonance provided by narcotics or alcohol, or simply the explicit objectification of your partner. I learned through sleeping with many men, and realised (for homosexuals) the above are the most common way they maintain capacity for such promiscuity. For me, it took a one night stand (with a beautiful Indian man) that became three years of intense, heart grating limerance (throughout the horror of the pandemic) for me to realise this truth. There is no such thing as casual sex. Treat your body and heart like a treasured, sacred child. And always use your instinct with intimate partners to discriminate, as sex is the most intimate of acts, that would be the one time to be very intuitive, as so much emotional energy is used in the exchange (even between two men, not just a man & woman). Thankyou for all your hard work Fairy, you're changing my life! 🙏💖✨🌟

[@thepicklegambit]

I’ve slept with people in my past that I genuinely had no feelings for, or at the very least knew I was not in love with them. It does happen actually. I’m kind of confused as to why no one wants to think so. Everyone really is different, and not every person holds the same exact feelings that sex has to be super sacred for them. And honestly there’s nothing that should be considered wrong with that. People are who they are and like what they like.

[@laurafranchi1861]

Thanks for addressing this ❤

[@1CrackedActress]

I really appreciate what you're presenting here. Words that need to be heard by me for sure. I am just about to start your dating course with the idea of (maybe) starting to date again in the spring. I'm so ready to do things differently. I appreciate you & your team. Thanks to Cara who reads all our comments!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's amazing, good for you for working towards that! Thank you for your kind words, I hope you find the dating course helpful in this process :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@noladalgallo8084]

Well if this doesn't describe my past romantic life exactly!! Working on healthy boundaries now and making my needs a priority.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You got this -Calista@TeamFairy

[@pamelacaballero6111]

17:00 not respectful to asume you can have seggs with someone when you are not fully available for a relationship

[@DoodleWrite]

Holy shit you pressed the accelerate pedal on that video title

[@josierenee3613]

Thank you! So validating to hear this

[@melitapavlinic7302]

My five cents here. I feel the author's pain here because I have been in a similar situation many times. What I see is that you hurt so much not because of this particular guy but more because of the fact you still do not have a stable and a happy long-term relationship despite putting yourself out there and giving this guy a chance. I would say you are still young and have a good shot at love, so not everything is lost. I met my current boyfriend at the age of 35 and he is the best thing that has happened to me. My advice is to stay away from internet dating sites and purge guys out who do not have the same priorities that you do The impression that I got about this last guy is that he sounds somewhat unstable and not sure what he wants. How can he say he wants to have kids in the future but not a long-term commitment? To me it sounds like this classic move, I am not ready for a relationship (with you) right now but would not mind some casual sex? And why did you have to break up so suddenly? This part probably hurt the most in my opinion? He could have left you the decision to stay with him for a while and just have some fun with him and not string you along the whole time if he knew you wanted something more serious. But I think that the end result would have been the same, you would have split up sooner and later anyway. My experience was that the guys seemed warm and interested at first to get me to sleep with then and as soon as they realized I wanted more commitment and something serious, they gradually lost the interest. I think the problem is what type of a guy you seem to be chasing in the first place and you need to be able to filter these players out very soon

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Great insight, thanks so much for sharing with the letter writer :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ievabruvere8230]

Thank you for your videos

[@Exodus26.13Pi]

Today even more independent women are side chicks.

[@samrawitmamo4739]

I thank God for this channel

[@krembryle]

Thank you, I thought I was missing out on something.

[@debbiemoore2747]

My ex husband was spot on 20 years ago. We should not have stayed friends. Sadly not really met anybody healthy since 🤷‍♀️

[@lolitalolipops4154]

The problem is at 44 I’m at the highest sexual peak . I have childhood (and adult !) ptsd . I can’t have casual sex easily and still find myself in situations that I do ( very select and limited ) but it’s hard and while I don’t want a fully committed relationship as I feel suffocated , I don’t want to feel used either so it’s so hard

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Check out the Dating & Relationships course bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Cara@TeamFairy

[@tulip5210]

Thank you for this video!

[@MataH1]

Very precious advice. 🙏

[@kallejahrollins4668]

I'm gonna have time go celibate smh it will help me

[@AndromedonThanks]

I almost called you a bad name for calling me out like this once again! 😅

[@Karenmariepombagira]

That guy was using her and she was too afraid to ask earlier. She was hoping to get love in exchange for the low standards.

[@cristinavieira46]

Sounds familiar to me

[@ebonylyn6104]

This was so good ❤

[@gracepurcell7825]

I'm so afraid I won't be able to change the pattern of jumping into sexual relationships super fast with intensity and passion; which btw never works out and yet I continue to do it. My CPTSD is very sexually related so I'm not sure Anna helps those of us with sexual trauma that got inverted causing promiscuity and reckless behaviors 🤔

[@chrissiebabe234]

I tried, actually, I seriously tried the casual dating game. Didn’t get me anywhere, though. Felt really bad.

[@jeice452]

Yeah me too

[@ratridarmadi]

Thanks for the explanation. I have question, would someone from safe happy family can be alright doing casual sex?

[@jdlc903]

My C-PTSD means I can't have sex ,complete dysfunction. It gets lonely. Count yourselves lucky

[@Lanaluv04]

A lot of similar stories in the world.❤

[@aciddiver1978]

All these problems come from humanity walking away from the word of God.

[@cristinavieira46]

So true