How NOT To Set A Boundary | Chosen Family Podcast

[@ur_pal_huckelberry3453]

alayna is so cute when she gets excited about counseling. ashley is so cute when she watches alayna get excited. mak is so cute.

[@Hammerhead_Films]

i love this comment

[@ignorance_is_not_bliss]

so true

[@TashaRansomArt]

Mac just is existing in a constant state of cute hot.

[@carterpeele4913]

Get you some friends who actually enjoy hearing you talk excitedly about things 🥰

[@AvidUser32]

I need a compilation of Alayna making Ashley flustered and Mak just being caught in the crosshairs 😂

[@autumnguthrie3177]

Yes! Compilations of bits and such in general would be amazing!

[@autumnguthrie3177]

Or should I say FLIMSY bits ahaha

[@aliceherd5461]

😊

[@ravina6686]

Yk I just wanted to say that when Mak is listening to Ashley and Alayna talk, it actually makes everything feel more real. Like I feel like I can feel her listening and taking in all of these insights. I'm guessing a lot of the audience here is under 30 and are more similar in age to Mak, so most of us don't have the sense of direction and wisdom that Ashley and Alayna have. So seeing Mak pondering these nuggets is like seeing a reflection of ourselves? I really appreciate that, it gives a certain gravity to their insights because it really shows how in time we grow and find ourselves and its not something we just manifest out of thin air and say. It makes the Journey (tm) feel real :D

[@KittyRoyalty777]

Will not be surprised when next episode Ashley has a standing desk 😂

[@autumnguthrie3177]

It would be horrible for her EDS 😔

[@KittyRoyalty777]

​@@autumnguthrie3177Ya I was also thinking that, but I totally see her getting it for the joke😂

[@autumnguthrie3177]

@@KittyRoyalty777 true I didn't think of that!

[@sergbastian5]

lmao Mac's silent non-reactions are actually some of the best reactions ever

[@Area1G]

I discovered a new boundary when I heard ashley and alayna say “jif”. I didnt know there were people out there who were so convinced “jif” is right, who aren’t like 80 on facebook…. how my heart joes out to the poor souls

[@If-loki-was-a-fox]

I prefer "gif" too. It just makes so much more sense

[@shae113]

This is all based on the creator saying that it's pronounced JIF, but considering that it's and acronym for Graphics Interchange Format, it would make sense to use the hard G sound. I'm on the side of the hard G version of GIF, which is substantially more popular, too. Supposedly, more IT people use the JIF version, but I know a lot of people in that industry & all of them use the hard G GIF, not JIF, so I think those claims are BS, LOL. I agree, even if it is said as JIF in the industry, I think it's only with the older crowd and will phase out eventually.

[@beardlessdragon]

The talk about boundaries was so good and something I didn't learn until a couple years ago either Example of bad boundary: "You are not allowed to say x to me anymore." (You can't control other people's actions) Example of good boundary: "If you do not stop saying x to me, I will leave the conversation." (And then follow through on it if they don't stop)

[@queerlyvictorian]

I actually really resonate with Alayna’s “sitting in other people’s hurricanes” metaphor. I love being the friend that people bounce stuff off of and doing my best to help them make sense of their own feelings.

[@gil8548]

Who needs therapy? Even when I'm lowest of low I can still smile when chosen family chats together. The world isn't all bad with you three in it. Thanks x

[@aliviafletcher8926]

reallll!! still consider therapy tho😭 wishing you happiness❤

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

Absolutely fr 💯 ❤️

[@inesmendes6248]

I still need therapy but this podcast makes me so happy 🥰

[@dallinwoolley7620]

The Dunning-Krueger effect, where somebody thinks they know more than they do and then as they learn more realizes how much they don’t know, explains a lot about politics 😂

[@katelynswain1232]

10:21 The thing that Alayna is referencing is the Dunning-Kruger effect. "The Dunning-Kruger effect effect occurs when a person's lack of knowledge and skills in a certain area cause them to overestimate their own competence. By contrast, this effect also causes those who excel in a given area to think the task is simple for everyone, and underestimate their relative abilities as well."

[@-.jai.-]

I came to the comments especifically to look for this galsplaining(?)

[@katelynswain1232]

@@-.jai.- Galsplaining?

[@-.jai.-]

@@katelynswain1232 like mansplaining, but actually informed and helpful? I don't know if the term exist but hey

[@katelynswain1232]

@@-.jai.- Oh, okay, thanks!

[@ragreen2]

One personal boundary that I established for myself in my early 30s: I refuse to do something because someone is triggering my 'guilt', either explicitly or even unintentionally. When I do wrong I will try to make up for it, but often the guilt response is because of manipulation (either in the moment or conditioned guilt response from the past). I decided to do what I choose to do out of intention on my part instead. I almost never just come out and call people out about it, because most of the time it is subtle and often the other person doesn't realize it, or it is the way they have learned to persuade other people to meet their needs. I simply say 'no' or 'yes' as I choose to from a personally healthy posture. I also give people easier, healthy ways to communicate and to persuade me to help them. I am generally a pretty congenital person, but I can definitely stick to my boundaries as needed.

[@sami-yc3xj]

Alayna honestly killed it in this episode so full of knowledge and joy and jokes, made my day (this pod always does!)

[@tia8259]

watching mak’s marathon video was one of the only times i cried at the end of a video i was so proud 😭

[@marinabarros883]

what I've learned about boundaries: the more I know and accept myself and my limits, setting boundaries is just natural. I used be mistreated by people and still be nice to them, to try and compensate for their behavior, because I wanted to avoid conflict by any means. when I realized that happened because I grew up in a very conflictuous environment and conflict felt unsafe for me, I changed that pattern. so, instead of accepting being mistreated, I started embrace that conflict was important and that I didn't have to swallow my discomfort to avoid it. so, there was a point that I couldn't even be the nice one anymore, I couldn't swallow anymore, I got angry, because I don't deserve being treated that way. and naturally, that was a boundary I stablished for myself, to no accept rudeness and to stand my ground.

[@Nini_Here622]

Also my favorate begining of the video with your standing desk!!!!

[@johnwilliammaxwell5044]

The Dunning-Kruger effect is so real. After more than a decade of doing my specialty, I can say I truly have not even scratched the surface.

[@Athena6913420]

Alayna, as a fellow anxiety sufferer, I can say this. I too am very good in other peoples hurricanes but not my own. We are so used to our brains overreacting to everything in our lives whether or not it should, that when we see it happening to others, we know exactly what to do because this is not our first rodeo. Drawing from our own experiences, we give great advice, or know how to react in a rational way and keep calm. Because in our own lives the way we perceive everything is so blown out of proportion in our anxiety brain which has overthought every remote and impossible worst scenario that now other people's hurricanes are a slight breeze to us. We are veterans of stress in a world of newbies :-) Other fellow anxiety sufferers know what I mean.

[@celinel9750]

I don't suffer from anxiety but the way you just describe this make so much sens, it bring a new light on what is anxiety, thank you so much for that. and take good care of you. 🥰

[@melissaeastridge7402]

I can’t watch this now bc it’s 2:13am and I have an early doctors appointment in the morning but I am so excited to watch when I get home from that appointment.❤️

[@aliviafletcher8926]

we are living for alayna’s back-to-school-era absolutely hilarious episode✋😭😭 ashley was indeed on fire love you all❤

[@thebrodyshow2849]

mak gets better and better every episode. im so happy she’s getting more comfortable.

[@obliviate1953]

Please, treat this as a "WE WANT CHOSEN FAMILY MERCH" button.

[@RahaDehghan-c2u]

The concept of boundaries the way you put it is absolutely understandable and clear and right. I'm 22 and I'm just learning how to set these boundaries for myself and how to respect myself and my own feelings after I had to go through fallouts of a number of my most important friendships during an already horrible situation in my life. I literally had to go through a ton of sh*t and also suddenly get abandoned by the closest friends of my life AND not have a drop of energy, mentally and physically to go after the people who weren't there for me so that I would unintentionally have the time to move on and be like oh ok this feels healthier, I should do this more often.

[@autumnguthrie3177]

I cry every morning when I wake up so Wednesday is my favourite day because this podcast helps me get outta my sad funk really fast and easily. You gays are making a difference!

[@jaceiselsewhere]

I love y’all so much 😂 and GIF stands for Graphics Interchange Format, so it’s gif with a “guh” sound as it is in “graphics”, not “jif” 😂

[@kaiya2472]

Alayna have you thought of getting some cute curtains or shades for the doors that can open/close/up/down so when you’re filming there’s no reflection…? Like maybe bamboo shades? I was thinking also maybe the sticky window decal paper to make it look frosted but that’s more semi-permanent vs being able to keep the same look but with a privacy option.

[@jcwebb264]

I love when you hang out and talk bc it makes me feel like I have friends 😂😂😂

[@marcusreuben4865]

LOL, I love listening to this podcast every week as I’m driving a truck around Australia every time it’s on I have to pull over because I’m laughing so much

[@michellesheedy3199]

My favorite part of these podcasts is when they do and say things to make each other laugh. Each one is hilarious in their own way. Keep up the good work!

[@erinirish7148]

Alayna- Saying no isn't easy for everyone but it helps to have a person in your corner who can nudge you when it's appropriate to say no. I constantly advocate for my peers who struggle with this as someone who can say no for/with them. However, I do struggle myself to say "No." But it has helped me get better at saying it by helping my friends/family members/coworkers say it for themselves. So as someone, to quote you, who is good at sitting in other people's hurricanes, this could be an option for you 😊

[@kaiya33123]

My FAVORITE podcast and people to watch!!!🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍🤗🤗🤗 Thank you all for everything you do, all the work and time you put into your content, and just being yourselves❤❤❤ I feel so lucky to have this podcast as a resource❤🥰

[@robyngebauer1953]

You guys are wonderful humans! Thank you for making it so that we can have your wonderfulness in our lives!

[@XJessieShaw]

the conversation about The Gap made me feel so seen; none of my work ever feels finished because my taste is so much more complicated than what I've been able to create, so I never end up releasing any of it.

[@kaiya33123]

The conversation on boundaries is SO important!!! I wish everyone watched your podcast! I recommend it to everyone I know😍😍😍🥰🥰💞

[@Subscriberfromwayback]

This chaos is EVERYTHING I want in life!!!

[@kaiya33123]

I think I'm really good at sitting in other people's hurricanes too, and I am definitely learning how to sit in my own hurricanes❤🥰 Thank you all so much for this conversation and also for each example you give because it's Truly Beyond helpful and makes it a lot easier understand! So thank you for your vulnerability in sharing personal experiences and times you gained knowledge and grew from!!!❤🥰 also, I relate so much to Mak and where you are in life, and it's just so nice to have your insight, perspective, and life experience to connect and relate to🥰 As well as Alayna, especially as a recent psychology grad who is on the self growth journey as well as Ashley❤ I hope you all have a wonderful week and stay safe and I'm so glad you are here!!!❤🥰🥰🥰

[@TheYbytkm]

During my long distance relationship, I had a problem. When I and my girlfriend finally met, it felt like she was a stranger to me. And only after some time I got used to her again. The longer we spent time together, the better our interaction became.

[@lelemsays]

Happens to me too!

[@MeditationsWithSam]

Alayna! I am going for my LMHC, and also thinking of getting a PhD in counseling psychology so i can teach and have a private practice! I am so excited for all of it too!! 💕

[@MadnessUnleashed]

The whole conversation about boundaries was amazing, it made a lot of sense. You're providing free therapy! 😂🙏🥰

[@elizabethlovecats5605]

This is my favourite episode yet! ❤❤❤

[@themorales6]

Alayna not knowing what she was doing when she said “come in from the top”…..🥰🥰🤣🤣

[@notmyrealname550]

Loving the pastel color pallet on Alayna ❤❤

[@Schmalzhirn]

But what was Mak's important lessons in the end? Did I miss it or did it get lost in all the hurricane talk?

[@kapowjam3462]

I think it got lost, I'm wondering too

[@flowly5898]

That whole part about boundaries is sooo true and conforting to hear 🙌🏻

[@bakicci]

39:10 from meme to recentering this was the best part haha

[@corskap]

38:53 I wanna know Mak's important lesson! 😎

[@corskap]

And also that book recommendation from Ashley that she didn't want to share from a while back in the episodes, in fact that is a question for the pod, what it everyone's favourite book?? 😄📚

[@kaiya2472]

I love watching these as I’m going to sleep 😂😂

[@oddgamer15]

Me to i cant sleep without it💀

[@philhatch483]

Be Fem & ❤it.

[@madisonrussell2882]

Not feeling pain or struggling while sitting in your own “hurricane” does not take away from your ability to still sit in it, feel it, and move through it from a place of neutrality. The lack of struggle does not speak to your ability to still come out on the other end having made the right decision for yourself!

[@bekcytalyor]

I love how Alayna and Mak are so funny and the jokes just flow naturally

[@megggiezombie]

Thank you for your conversation about boundaries today. I'm going through this right now learning to say no to things that trigger me and standing up for myself. I appreciate hearing your perspectives much love

[@sarameredith414]

I love starting my day with this.

[@daya529]

I'm in the gap ! ❤😁 been slowly accepting it and using where I am at to get me through to the not gap. You can learn so much from yourself !

[@zollyActingandTheater]

Quick question for the comment section. What should a friend you know do if (she/her cis female) truly likes women, but only dates men for religious reasons? She want to be with women, but her religious beliefs and commitments stop them from doing so?

[@nathanmoranx2105]

The 'Gap' is a lane near my mother's house that I frequent and it often has terrifying baby chairs peaking over the walls. You don't just pass through the gap, 'you survive the gap'.

[@Chlovers3]

I love this podcast so much ❤

[@kiralalala22]

You’re so amazing! Love this podcast! I always look forward to listening to it! 😍

[@Hammerhead_Films]

had a stressful day at work and really needed a pick me up, thanks for giving me the laughs and advice i needed :)

[@annemanalisay543]

Not Alayna making Ashley almost slide off her chair at the 29 min mark

[@monicahoang6030]

I love Alayna!! She should get some matte film for her door to get rid of those reflections so she doesn't hit her head again

[@davidself5235]

I come here for this podcast in whatever format it takes. It's beautiful every time. Thank you for being here and doing this. 💜

[@themorales6]

This is one of the BEST episodes you guys have ever done!!! I laughed so hard for so much of it! 👏

[@barbdesigns]

Catching up on this one while trying to do some work and I honestly can't focus! The Gap, The Exclusive run club, The desk and more! I can't! Genuinely laughing out loud alone infront of a computer. Thank you for the company, I also love when you just hang out whether you answer questions or not! :) Have a great day!

[@meowunicorn7658]

I'm catching up on these podcasts. And I'm obviously on this one and have no idea if Alayna is a therapist yet, but she's gonna be such a good one. For real. It's like she is made for that work. It's so cool to see.

[@shay494]

I love when guys are just chatting!

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

Yayyy the best things about Wednesday's love u guys one of the best podcasts ❤️

[@diannaw3034]

Ashley "You just have to live in that gap for a while!" Me.... giggling like a fool cuz I'm such a perv.. and my mind can't stop with the "gap" being repeated by Ashley and Alayna! ☺😅😂🤣

[@2nd3rd1st]

that it's called a gap year is not by accident

[@diannaw3034]

That is the CORRECT answer!!! 😆@@2nd3rd1st

[@sami-yc3xj]

I love the gap and I will never look at it the same after this omfg… when I see gap logo shirts I’ll be thinking of the other gap, laughing inside 😂

[@EmmaFostererfma]

it's so funny to hear Ashley (chosen family dad) talk about Ira Glass's The Gap because my actual dad loves talking about The Gap too

[@mayaquezada4450]

Hey Mak, what was the important thing you learned? 38:50

[@arc.the.sharky]

it was interesting to hear Alayna say that she is good at sitting in other people’s hurricanes but not good at her own.. i know i’m a stranger and a third-party viewer and i don’t mean to pretend i know exactly what is going on in y’all’s lives, but to me that seems like another manifestation of Alayna’s selflessness! just on the topic of self-improvement and setting boundaries lol. that could be something to note, it is okay to be selfish sometimes Alayna! ❤

[@carrieannelittle3344]

Audio listener here; i didn’t get to hear what we had for dinner tonight :’( Like the last ~2 minutes of the video podcast was cut off from the audio one on Spotify, sadness, but at least I got to see y’all’s lovely faces

[@beardlessdragon]

4:43 was such a funny exchange 😂 I love this podcast

[@MitzyCat]

GL on "the West Coast Trail." ♀︎♀︎♀︎

[@michellerbn]

But mak said they had something to share, and told ashley no and then it went off topic and I WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY!!! But also I love all of you and i this was one of my fav podcast of yours and i swear every week im so excited when it’s Wednesday because i know i can listen to a new ep ❤❤❤❤

[@zircon8158]

YAY ITS MY FAVORITE LESBIANS

[@4lovebysara]

Im VERY excited to see Ashley in Sac!

[@TrulyAndCompletely]

Chosen Family podcast: makes being queer online better!

[@elizabethlovecats5605]

Mak I love your sweater.

[@danny9577]

i love this podcast! you guys are lots of fun to listen to

[@shoggy1713]

One of the most interesting episodes I LOVE this conversation

[@SuperWilkins1]

I spent the last couple of weeks, to watch the pod cast from the beginning found it late, love you guys. Dani from Ealing UK

[@oddgamer15]

I cant go to bed unless i have this podcast play in the background💀😭❤

[@Fishful_Thinking4]

Same! It silences the intrusive thoughts long enough for me to get some shut eye 😴

[@CertifiedPsychiatrist]

Can I reccomend Krishnamurti?

[@timothykrzywonski]

I am cracking up. So happy I found this podcast.

[@sicily2907]

"My boundaries are for me and not for other people" !!!

[@emjoy36]

“Send a text to this number!!” 😂🤣😂

[@doshd5211]

idk whether its the whole not acknowledgment of the Olivia situation or smth else, but its hard to shake off the feeling that things'r a bit off. like even taking Mak's words about the coffee way too far and making an example of 'how not to set a boundary' out of it (even as a joke though it wasn't really clarified) and simultaneously ignoring her input which she considered important. it's a bit like picking a 'weak' in a group and almost crossing a line but never actually doing so

[@anapalacinka]

Okay but that was the best episode yet can we talk about it? Also yes do the ninja warrior thing please

[@d14551]

The boundary is not me saying, "I will leave if you do this." The boundary is me leaving when the person does it again. I have control over what I do, not over what the other person does.

[@ebthepurple]

@40:21 *practically perfect in every way

[@Outsidethegemstones]

"If its a process I'm going to disrespect it!" I need that on a shirt of a sticker for my waterbottle

[@Brooke_Corbyn]

V fun episode, yall were off the rails in a hilarious and also heartwarming way lmao, tho I am kinda hanging on a cliff about what maks boundary epiphany was. Loved sitting at the dinner table as always.

[@HollieAndApollo]

Alayna I wish to god you could be my therapist or counselor! I learn a lot from you, I relate to you in a lot of ways and you seem SO easy to talk to! You’re going to make an amazing therapist!! Much love & light! ❤🧿

[@airyonav9707]

I respect that the creator of the gif says it’s jif but they’re wrong because it’s not a jraphic, it’s a graphic

[@jwmprcht7273]

This episode was hilarious 🤣I have never consciously skipped back as often as in this episode

[@katiacarneiro2393]

Maybe you could put those window stickers on the glass doors. Maybe you can find a matte sticker with flowers or mushrooms drawings… I think these exist, or they should exist at least

[@ttarotkidd]

I lost it when Mak said "my coffee was great, thanks for asking." HAHA the delivery was so good

[@kapowjam3462]

I'm with Mak, Jiff is a peanut butter

[@lizmorettiart]

I’m with Mom and Dad and their Gif pronunciation

[@NotPMHarper]

Dunning-Kruger effect is the graph Alayna was describing