Christopher Hitchens jokes, wisecracks and one-liners

A collection of Christopher Hitchens' best jokes and sharpest replies from various debates.

[@felixstuber8046]

It is said that Hitchens asked for a priest when he was in his dead bed. After 30 minutes, the priest returned as an atheist.

[@BeachsideHank]

As a Johnnie Walker Black Label swilling cigarette smoking atheist at that.

[@speedbagboxer7451]

Hahaha

[@JonMurray]

Hahaha!

[@MichalSummer-zc5ym]

Hahaha fuk he is so funny

[@DarthwRath]

And on the second deathbed day, he asked for another priest. This time it was just for a blowjob. They're pretty good at it i heard.

[@moeman1984]

At 6.10. "Someone once accused of trying to assassinate their character. I said no, your character committed suicide a long time ago." Best line ever.

[@kdbwiz]

6:10

[@BatmanHQYT]

"If I can't be erect I can still be upright" lmfao

[@tbone0785]

I wasn't old enough to care about these topics when Hitchens was in his prime. I never met him yet for some reason I really miss him. Thank you Christopher, for opening my eyes and forcing me to think critically about the world around me

[@ogi22]

I think i heard him first in that amazing "mind jam session": The Four Horseman. I still find it my most favourite discussion of great minds :) Link to the full version: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pGiseYhobcaFaKc

[@familyaccount6491]

My exact sentiments

[@colin-campbell]

Thinking critically involves a tad more than watching condensed video clips which only show one side of the argument...

[@pedclarkemobile]

@@colin-campbell enjoying the humorous (some sarcastic):quips in these videos is not critical thinking. It is amusement at the ridiculous dogma and delusion that can only thrive in the absence of critical analysis.

[@colin-campbell]

Ped Clarke I’m regularly referred to as the “second coming of Hitch”, if you’ll pardon the expression, by my friends and colleagues. I enjoy witty conversation whilst drinking Johnny Walker black label, breakfast of champions.

[@TrippySuccubus]

2022, and I’m still missing Hitch. I don’t think we’ll ever recover from such a loss.

[@TheAcolossus]

He was so quick witted

[@EdDueim]

Still miss the magnificent bastard.

[@plasticmoon222]

GREAT MAN ???????,,,MORE LIKE A BLASPHEMOUS UNBELIEVER THAT ENTERED HELL IN 2011

[@danijayyy1]

plasticmoon222 I’m sorry that you have to go through life worrying about offending a god that was invented by illiterate peasants in an attempt to explain thunder and use it as leverage to control people. It seems to have worked on you.

[@PaulOReilly712]

Why ?

[@danijayyy1]

Jazzkeyboardist1 ‘Chrissy.’ Cute. That may have gotten some chuckles out of a few of your friends back in third grade.

[@rolandjohansson2714]

I second you.

[@davidbunce6276]

On jerry falwell: "If you gave him an enema he could be buried in a matchbox" Savage.

[@josegiovanni9310]

David Bunce can u explain that one to me

[@ApesAmongUs]

Enemas are for removing shit from your body. So, he's saying if you removed all the shit, there would be very little left. Just a fancy way of saying he's full of shit.

[@josegiovanni9310]

ApesAmongUs thanks man

[@33hegemon]

That is arguably one of the most brutal and accurate put-downs anyone has ever conjured.

[@CorporaMedicina]

..someone found his carcass in his obscure office and have zero significance...

[@campcrystalcake13]

Ruthlessly forthright, beautifully eloquent, breathtakingly witty and relentlessly vocal, we were lucky to have him even though it was only for the shortest passage of time.

[@jotac87278]

Damn he was so witty and intelligent. How someone maintains all that info is beyond me. Missed now more than ever.

[@tkenglander6226]

I agree! I have no idea how he was able to remember all the quotations he brought up to illustrate his points. Fantastic memory!! Wonderful wordsmith!! True truth seeker!! Always amazing!! I miss you, Christopher.

[@TonyEnglandUK]

@@tkenglander6226 I love the fact people will still be quoting Hitch for many, many years to come. That's just so satisfying.

[@brianhunt7243]

Christopher was an absolute legend who will live on forever through his wise words and unimaginably sized whit. It's rare a day goes by where I don't wonder how much better the world would be if he were still here.

[@renupathak4442]

How does he remember all that. He has such a phenomenal vocabulary, memory, humor, even temperament.. ..there's just none other like him. The world is poorer by his death

[@InfectedByEli]

0:31 I love Blair's expression here, he's obviously thinking "Shit, I've been rumbled".

[@AFMMarcelD]

Not ashamed to announced here that, Professor Christopher Hitchens throughout his books and debates have provided me with more consolation, Wit and knowledge than any Church, priest or religious apologist. Long live the brilliance of one History's all times greatest orators and polymaths. Hitchens eloquence and dialogues always provoke a reaction in the minds of all of Us free thinkers.

[@ericholdsworth6611]

amen ha ha

[@mortishanocturnal71]

Agreed!

[@mortishanocturnal71]

I mean agreed he has given me comfort...professor in his own right for sake of argument here ...grand debater. , wit with word not only in writing but conversation. Miss him ♡

[@robertdelisle5384]

Alcibiades )

[@dustblog3558]

That quip about being obsessed with sex is incredible. Funnier, wittier, cleverer and more joyfully mischievous than any religious person could ever dream of being.

[@benjaminodonnell258]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 No, he was bi. And most of his male lovers were had in his teens and twenties. As he said himself, once he hit his thirties, he'd lost most of his good looks and only women would have him 😉

[@rainbowwizard1821]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 Haven't come out of the closet, have you? What's your obsession with Hitchens, anyway?

[@Greenkeeper132]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 you are being the disrespectful piece of shit, the sheer lack of self awareness is astounding.

[@dalekdx]

The funniest thing I heard Hitchens say was when someone asked him if he ever prayed. He answered "Once, for a hard on."

[@TheBox225]

Could you imagine another 6 years of Hitchen's content?

[@JeseSavignon]

Damn he wad good, to destroy, insult and moke someone's beliefs in their face and in such a proper manner is truly a work of art hitchens mastered and perfected.

[@adambeasley3093]

Best literary, philosophical, and religious debater I have ever heard. I measure others against him, and I can revisit his soliloquies endlessly and still gain insight and laughs from them.

[@BlackEpyon]

During the election debates, I kept thinking how utterly BORING and idiotic the candidates sounded. I've been spoiled by Hitch!

[@MOGGS1942]

We were ALL "spoiled" by him.

[@philmccrackin7821]

He is sorely missed

[@Turgon92]

actually because of hitch,i have a list of 30some books i now wanna read

[@Turgon92]

im sorry to hear that. hope you end up wrong,or im doomed am-i-right? have a pleasant day!

[@majinraptor]

This man is my hero. Intellectual powerhouse

[@starboy1100]

I miss Hitch. One of the greatest intellectuals of our time.

[@Taylorkaraoke]

6:02 "Where does evil come from?" what a suicidal question to ask CH... it took him a nanosecond to come up with the answer :)

[@zemc77]

I love Turek's reaction, nodding like "yep, I totally walked into that one..."

[@slazerlombardi]

You can taste Turek's regret... So tasty...

[@corb5654]

One of the most brutal one word responses ever. Any time as good as anything by Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw.

[@heginschristianstrong7707]

evil comes from people and our choices

[@alphabeta591]

cleo So, you're saying that evil, malevolent deeds can be found is only a in religious context?

[@razony]

Why I love and respect Christopher Hitchens: I'm an Ex-Christian, monotheist that believes in the NDE narrative. (NOT a religion) Couldn't stand being called a Christian, from the way they treated non-Chrisitians and a whole bunch of other discrepancies of This Church! Hitchens gives to Religion; what religion has been giving to humanity for 1,500 years. If this was a life of tit for tat kind of attitude. 50 million Christians gone missing would be messy.

[@jag1963]

If ever there was a good reason to raise someone from the dead i vote for this man. I miss him everyday.

[@pinball1970]

I listen to his voice at least once per week. Relaxing and inspiring at the same time.

[@jacquelinebaechli7058]

pinball1970 one of my greatest pleasures the audio book of "God is not Great" uninterrupted Hitch voice for 9 hours

[@TonyEnglandUK]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 Jazzkeyboardist1, on every Hitchens video, you're trying to get people to hate him even after his life is no more. Why? Why not go watch someone you DO like instead?

[@TonyEnglandUK]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 So watch something you do like instead. I think you have a heart full of hatred. It isn't Hitchens who put that hatred there, it's you.

[@TonyEnglandUK]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 Sir, you're no Christian. You're everything Jesus preached against.

[@TheDodgerOf]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 i watched one of your vids, you are like 60+ years old, you should try acting like it, instead of like a 12 year old girl (you know like the ones locked in your basement)

[@obsidaisy7776]

Fucking hilarious.

[@MOGGS1942]

"Are you a protestant jewish atheist or a catholic one ". Brilliant. Therein lies the encapsulation of the insanity that is religion. I do SO miss this man.

[@OldTimer16s]

I dont get the joke, could you please explain it to me? Thanks in advance :)

[@paulj6662]

In old Nor`n Ireland your life often depended on how you answered that question. The joke is that the Irish are so stupid (because of their religious upbringing) that they assume Everyone is either catholic or protestant and that is all that matters. It`s so close to the truth it is tragically funny.

[@TheVeteranFiles]

his accent was damn good too haha

[@joelfisher2433]

moggs Just because you are an atheist and speak like a Robot, flipping verbs and subjects.... doesn’t make you smart. You 12 year old atheists need to look in the mirror.

[@falseprophet1024]

Jazzkeyboardist1 Making fun of someone because their mom commited suicide. What a classy person you are. God must be so proud of you..

[@lunasinger2735]

We need this man more than ever

[@willievanstraaten1960]

Through these videos, he is with us, but I understand what you say.

[@user-ff3fn1zi7w]

been reading Hitchens for 50 years and just as many vids as I can and there is stuff in here I have never heard, well done!

[@flylooper]

Hitch was a guy who clearly enjoyed being Christopher Hitchins. And so did I. He is sorely missed.

[@georgiarasmussen8343]

He hated being called "Hitch". He called it a circumcision of Hitchens.

[@ultimanecat3091]

A brilliant orator and giant amongst men and women. Sorely missed x

[@lizquinn3568]

I have been looking for a guy like this all my life life,intelligent ,charismatic and witty, RIP

[@TonyEnglandUK]

If you mean you've been looking for a guy like Chris as a partner, it may be an idea to navigate in a more heterosexual direction.

[@TonyEnglandUK]

@Colin Cleveland That laugh you may have just heard was Oscar Wilde's, not mine.

[@KCKatheist]

I miss this incredible gentleman so much that it *hurts*.

[@10percentwierd]

The most eloquent and intelligent person I have ever listened to.

[@Mojo16011973]

I really miss him.

[@llongone2]

With a little research and speaking experience, anyone can destroy a theist in a debate. But, nobody could destroy a theist in a debate while being endlessly entertaining like Christopher.

[@johnpro9046]

Man I'd love to hear his voice again :(

[@closetedclaustrophobe4165]

+Rich Picasso I know what you mean. We lost one of the best debaters and orators of our time.

[@vicioussyd6870]

replay the video again . you are welcome

[@YManCyberDude]

Just hit the replay button under the video.

[@mathewkanter9458]

2Dollars / Franky Gaga maybe we can meet him in hell!! Lol

[@Dazzletoad]

Troll elsewhere.

[@JeffreyGillespie]

Still the greatest. I miss him so very much. ❤

[@hcdoitsusmith8759]

Hitchens and Carlin. We need them now more than ever.

[@berniebaatjies3382]

Please GOD please send us another Hitch!!! :-) :-) :-).... The legend lives on! Thanks for everything you gave us, and thanks for the HitchSlaps!!

[@kpd3308]

He would have loved your plea!

[@georgefraser7143]

I've read a few of his books, I do struggle with his genius at times a few times, but I persist, one must, I can listen to his debates till the coos come home, he's just, was, fantastic.

[@faustus999]

I have watched his videos for many many hours and read all his books, he was a truly brilliant man.

[@patbrennan6572]

if there were a god, he would not want to debate the hitch...

[@nocalsteve]

No god has ever chosen to debate, Hitch!

[@joelfisher2433]

Pat Brennan Even though hitch was bitch slapped by Craige?

[@dicktrickle875]

Joel, lol haaaaa, good one. of all the ones who regretted debating him it was William H Craig... not Craige

[@xxMrBaldyxx]

@@joelfisher2433 WLC tried to confuse Hitchens with his meaningless (and verbose) rhetoric, but only ended up making a fool of himself.

[@alphabeta591]

godisalie I love TAE. Specifically, I like to see either Matt, or Jeff Dee rant when they're miffed.

[@jpracingph]

Just about the best example of modern day genius and wit. I miss him.

[@loriw2661]

I've watched this many times and NEVER get tired of it. Hitch is so missed!!

[@Vislav]

Every morning i need a dose of hitchslap. Am i addicted?

[@kawasakiwhiptwo5821]

Vislav I do as well Vislav. It is a daily affirmation for me. I suggest the video "the end ~ Christopher Hitchens " 3mins. and 28 secs. that inspire me every time I hear/ watch it.

[@colin-campbell]

No, just a sheep.

[@redlightmax]

Vislav Maybe you are addicted - but, if anything, I'd recommend increasing the dose.👍

[@vashna3799]

I'll say this now. If I could bring ANYONE back from the dead, it would be him.

[@nocalsteve]

And he'd be mad at you for proving him wrong!

[@boogiedahomey]

Hitch...and then Bill Hicks.

[@rodgerq]

@@nocalsteve I don't think he would be mad. He'd be happy for being that bit closer to the truth.

[@tomm5228]

Just watching lots of CH clips, he lived through my era, my ignorance, love his honesty

[@RoadRunner217]

" *Change* only comes form within. "... brilliant! :,D

[@corb5654]

“The finest fury is the most controlled.” ― Christopher Hitchens, Love, Poverty, and War: Journeys and Essays

[@djb_15]

Now that is a line from Mr Hitchens.... "since I discovered my god given male member would give me no peace I dicided not to give it any rest" 🤣

[@pbmdh]

0:20 Probably one of the funniest things he has ever said.....

[@sdogg]

just brilliant, and typically hitch

[@jamesenos8049]

I wish I knew him before cancer got him.

[@carlprince2866]

Don't We all Brother Don't we all ?

[@richiejohnson]

I have an endless appetite for these Best Of videos. There's so much of him posted that he continues to teach and love and respect us. Some losses are hard to take.

[@stfc5138]

I wish he was here now. Truly missed.

[@mausperson5854]

The Man... plain and simple.

[@headdeptofeyerolling7167]

Someone tell me why, why, oh why am I enduring this near pinnacle of idiocy we call contemporary US politics without the solace of this man's wit and cynicism?????

[@ericholdsworth6611]

its out there you just need to search try going libertarian

[@hazelwalsh3269]

Seroflorus It’s so sad... I can’t see anyone else like him at the present time.. He was a one off...I really wish we could clone him.

[@aaronbrown8377]

There's too much cynicism in U.S. politics already. I don't want wit and cynicism, I want sincerity and confident optimism.

[@curmudgeon1933]

@@aaronbrown8377 Sincerity and confident optimism might be mutually exclusive currently.

[@euphegenia]

5:53 it’s hard to choose but this might be my favorite part.

[@joeasberry6014]

I love how he says "that's only something a religious person would DREAM of saying" at 5:57, the inflection used is so humorous to me. Also his instant response 6 seconds later was perfect

[@realnoahsimpson]

we miss him DEEPLY

[@swskating3865]

To all the people who saw him, spoke to him or were hitchslapped by him should consider themselves honoured

[@achalaamarasinghe7096]

So true

[@janicemurphy7878]

When Carl Sagan died his critics said he would repent, but his wife said he held his convictions to the very end. WM

[@thesubhumancomedy]

She was a big part of his children's programs, wrote most of it. I believe theirs was a good marriage.

[@freepagan]

Hitchens was the modern day Shakespeare.

[@MM-yi9zn]

Hitchens is the ultimate icon of intelligent free thinking. All his books & talks are beyond superb. The wit & brilliance is rare. No one can even come close. So sadly missed.

[@chrisflores8206]

That buddhist joke is god tier.

[@jdothman8575]

I fucking love this guy. Discovered by too many (like myself) too late.

[@staceykeeley4219]

Jack H same here. only just discovered him and now can't get enough.

[@mallen1297]

Wholeheartedly agree, became aware of him 3 years ago via KZbin. I thought this man is brilliant, did a wiki search and felt gutted that he was no longer with us. He may be gone but his legacy will always be an inspiration to open our minds and think for ourselves.

[@mallen1297]

Wholeheartedly agree, became aware of him 3 years ago via KZbin. I thought this man is brilliant, did a wiki search and felt gutted that he was no longer with us. He may be gone but his legacy will always be an inspiration to open our minds and think for ourselves.

[@keynatyler4767]

The only man I have ever thought of as my hero

[@marcdecock7946]

My all time favourite was not even in this list: if you would give him an ennema, you could burry him in a matchbox... about an apo-preacher

[@ZLLi661]

Imagine if this incredible man was alive today. He would be the beacon of light to make sense of the current global political insanity.

[@johnnyc4717]

That Amish girl one... this guy...LMAO

[@33hegemon]

Johnny Cancer I think that joke went over some people's heads!

[@nocalsteve]

That's what I was thinking..."Too Mennonite."

[@ghates]

I've been telling this joke the first time I heard Hitch tell it some years back ..some don't get it.. but the ones that do, they bust up laughing

[@mikegrigg11]

@@ghates Had to look it up, but then I bust out laughing !!

[@mikeyboy8127]

brilliant man, sadly missed

[@hansvetter8653]

Oh Captain - My Captain ... Dear Hitch ... we miss you soo much ! ... you opened my heart and sharpened my mind ! ...

[@spaced1851]

Miss you. Thanks for been such a rational human being that pointed the true way more than religion ever could or ever will.

[@AFMMarcelD]

Oh man! I wish Science will find a way to clone him.

[@justinwright1745]

Maybe a way to resurrect him

[@itsmybuddha.nature]

@@justinwright1745 ahahaha the irony. That would be a real game changer for a lot of us , including Hitchens

[@justinwright1745]

@@itsmybuddha.nature Definitely

[@redlightmax]

Riccardo Verdecia Sr If you wish to clone him, strive to be like him.

[@richiejohnson]

Hmmm Don't we have the technology to clone him now? Anybody? Imagine raising CH's clone! Teaching him and watching the wisdom develop. Like reincarnation, literally. Our own Dali Lama

[@weareallonehumanre3920]

After he says, 'I've got to mention Kafka after all', he finishes with, 'They make you do it'. Shame we missed that part.

[@thesubhumancomedy]

That was very much implied.

[@musicauthority7828]

Christopher Hitchens was really amazing, for all the serious debating and lectures he would do, and knowing of his impending doom. he could still have such a great sense of humor he is very much missed. it was once said about Christopher Hitchens. "if you have the opportunity to debate him don't". he completely destroyed his antalocators.

[@SuperPsychomonster]

Its too bad mainstream media didnt show him while he was alive. Deserved the airtime

[@voicevoice2053]

He was a wise man. The good always die young

[@charlesbloomfield222]

Excellent clip to end with. Well played.

[@elrondhubbard7059]

Hitchens seems almost superhuman to me

[@ayb100]

I miss him so much

[@stevenhunter3345]

My god, Hitch was such a pleasure to watch. His wit and humanity are still missed.

[@tonybailey951]

the man did what he felt he had to tell the day he died a true hero

[@tonybailey951]

@Jazzkeyboardist1 that was not his war that was bush get your facts right

[@mok0s1]

Why is this guy still not around to mop the floor with Peterson?

[@Cryptosifu]

this is what smoking does. So sad...I love this man

[@scottkraft1062]

Peterson talks about the philosophy behind religion nowhere in any of his books does say religion the answer or that God is real.

[@benjaminfrankart4872]

@@scottkraft1062 He does debate in favor of theism tho.

[@alikanaydemirci8774]

Because he couldn't

[@mkshannon3]

Legend ❤

[@chocksaway100]

Hitch is a true Legend he lived life on his own terms.

[@andrewcorbett5729]

The greatest orator and big brain

[@gazatkinson5288]

I love this man! Admittedly too late but I feel his views will stand the test of time fearless in the pursuit of truth r.i.p hitch you're sorely missed. I'd love to hear what you'd have thought about today's affairs

[@surfbear30]

Time has proved him wise

[@joedoe3688]

we miss you!

[@patrickreed8043]

A sense of wicked humor, fearless in the very presence of his adversaries, unbelievable non-believer, Hitch is so much like me. And at the same time he is one of a kind. So glad i lived during his time. It's like talking to the wall is one of my favorite moments in this.

[@DiddlyD-xx2ih]

Lmao you're an egomaniac

[@miquelr2353]

The best wordsmith I know. So elegant yet savage

[@deprofundis6855]

Surely a 'god' amongst men! Christopher Hitchens consistently proved to be a wonderful Humanist, and humourist!

[@carolinaschwendener7866]

One of the kind

[@jamesm6576]

My hero. I miss you.

[@ByWayOfDeception]

"Something of a breech of taste.... fuck that!" I tried to sip water during that line and failed.

[@denisdennehy4549]

If only he could be re-incarnated as himself, reason misses him terribly.

[@yhwyorthehwy2476]

the one about the male member was brilliant

[@papnlilly]

He had such great hair! Miss him so very much.

[@bobmiller3627]

He was a bit of a bastard, but he was an ACCURATE bastard, and he was OUR ACCURATE bastard :)

[@thyonebadbrad1]

miss you hitch!!

[@rockie0708]

If he lived to he's 80s I think he would have only looked 60. What a man. I miss him.