Codependency: State of mind, not State of Affairs

[@mytherapistlife]

Y'all. This is the God's honest truth. 100% of what's said here is accurate. I'm a psychotherapist, a well as someone who was codependent. I was only able to move past these maladaptive patterns of thought and behavior once I accepted complete responsibility for every aspect of my life. I learned to regulate my own emotions, and identify and care for my "parts" (introjects as the professor refers to them). I realized that while I have suffered from early childhood trauma, and I was a victim of domestic violence...at some point I became a volunteer for abuse. Once it was reasonably clear my ex was violent, irrational, erratic and impossible to redirect, my continued engagement/interaction with him was my CHOICE, thereby making me a volunteer for abuse. I've taken complete control of my emotions by not fearing them. I'm no longer fearful of the emotions of others either. Being rejected won't kill me. Being ghosted won't kill me. But staying in an abusive relationship creates the very, very real possibility of me being killed, harmed & financially devastated. Please, listen to what is being said here. When I was healing, I listened & watched these videos over and over again until it clicked in my mind that I can heal and move on from the prison of codependency. I promise you, if you do the work on yourself with a therapist, maybe a support group, you can heal as well.

[@quibquiberton4184]

I think this was my biggest realization as well. I'm not scared of the narcissist. I'm scared of the way he can make me feel. If I can feel my emotions instead of doing everything I can to avoid being triggered (which usually means trying - and failing - to placate or control him), he no longer has absolute power over me.

[@mytherapistlife]

@@quibquiberton4184 I'm so glad you found a sense of peace!

[@christya6722]

So true I know a very abusive and substance abuse user that keeps sending me messages trying to somehow blame it all on me I have almost reached one year of no more physical abuse March 7 is my day but I’ll give these videos A listen be safe everyone

[@moniquerodriguezfeogruber4932]

Yes, this is all true. And I agree. I just cannot get past the hurt for some reason. Like your comment literally made me tear up even as I agree with every word you wrote. Even as I understood all he says, which btw makes perfect sense. I know this to be true. But then I have these moments of devastation.

[@mytherapistlife]

@@moniquerodriguezfeogruber4932 Those are the moments when you need your own compassion the most. It will hurt- I mean real physical and psychological pain. In those moments, I comforted myself by encouraging all my feelings to come out. If I needed to cry, I did that. If I needed to rest I did that. Ride the wave of the emotions. They will pass. I promise.

[@suzannefletcher3618]

Great content again Sam, I have been able to identify myself to a T within the 5 types described. Since dumping the last but not the first narcissistic abusive partner, I have resorted to becoming a codpendant with a dog. I highly recommend a dog to anyone any day, there will always be unconditional love from that 4 legged friend and no abuse!

[@RainCall13]

@@suzannefletcher3618 really sounds a bit like my story. Ive got a dog as well, after everything.

[@SilentBlueBird4]

Brilliant ! Thank you, @Professor Sam Vaknin. 👏 It was only when I started to grow beyond the narc and learn that I could manage my own emotions, mind etc. that I saw the full breath of his abuse. It was EVERYwhere! I really thought he was the most wonderful person, but now all I see is a husk of a person.. but at the same time, I'm indifferent to it. So strange. It's Pride gone wild, inside and outside!

[@mjhamani]

This was one of the most, hardest, home-hitting videos I've watched yet. While many of the vids I've watched have focused on the narc (external), this video brings it back to me. I can relate to many of the things Prof Sam mentions in this video especially about having an underlying addiction. I think deep down I do have this tremendous fear of being alone. Dying alone etc. And when I look back many of MY ACTIONS have perpetuated this addiction by choosing the wrong partners and so forth. Thanks again for another breakthrough video!

[@ingelaladani]

Mr Vaknin, you are indeed a genius, I can't even.... Thank you for bringing rationality and truth to the world

[@captain8362]

Thank you Prof. Vaknin. You enlight people for free. I have never listen any of my teachers focusing like you. You are a great teacher and a person. 👏👏👏

[@thepersonaofgrace]

This is so eye opening...not painful at all. I'm actually finding it hilarious, but most of all, freeing. I feel freed, rather than hurt, by the truth.

[@decoffinated]

Same here. My wife has this condition. And I definitely was the one abused but hearing this made it all so easy to accept compared to the confusion and ghosting that she made sure happen.

[@SRStoday-r6t]

This is really helpful. I understand myself better even after a year of active recovery as a codependent. Thank you for in-depth video.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

I certainly tend to idealize partners. I need to bolster my support systems. Thank you , Professor Vaknin

[@vgzm]

Every word is true!!! Without you, I wouldn't find myself. You are brilliant professor Vaknin. Thank you so much!

[@shannelm3489]

You are very addicting with your superb intelligence and truthfulness. You are truly one of a kind unlike any other. I am so thankful for you, and you taking the time to make these videos. If I wasn’t for you I would’ve never discovered what was wrong with me and my marriage. I had a very traumatic childhood and both my parents were drug addicts. My father was narcissistic and throughout my life I don’t think I ever experienced real love. Is marriage an illusion of love? I want to run far away from my narcissistic husband but after watching this video and learning more about my codependency it seems like we should both be running away from each other. I’m always angry, clingy, emotionally/physically abusive, controlling, and I don’t know how to express my emotions or communicate, but what distinguishes me from my husband is that I do have empathy. We are both psychologically ruined and we balance each other out. Im in therapy now trying to find my lost self but I can’t blame everything on my husband I’m part of the problem as well. I’m the enabler. Im battling between should I leave or stay if we are both messed up? I know if I stay I’m not going to survive I feel like I’m slowly dying. My husband says that I can’t abandon him because I am a good person and he genuinely loves me. I’ve been gaslighted for thirty two years I don’t what’s real or what not anymore. I feel as if I’m self sabotaging my marriage.

[@TaraDaylami]

I know this comment was from two years ago but I genuinely hope you have found your way out. It sounds like he has manipulated you into staying. Without taking responsibility for his part or doing any self work. That’s not how relationships function. Not knowing what is real and what isn’t is not a good sign. It will eventually destroy you completely if you don’t leave. May God give you strength. It is possible. 🙏🏼💕

[@shannelm3489]

@@TaraDaylami I appreciate your kind words and I thank god for giving me the strength and courage to finally leave.

[@TaraDaylami]

@@shannelm3489 so so happy for you well done ❤️❤️❤️

[@shannelm3489]

@@TaraDaylami ❤️🙏

[@artsyalkalearnandgrowbeaut3731]

Thank you 💐 You have helped me sort out some unsolved stuff.

[@MsDeongi]

Omg 😳…. Im a situational codependent (very late in life) afraid of getting to old to catch anything good so I’m holding on to my NAC because it’s a good enough relationship 🤦🏾‍♀️. Officially done… my lists of what could go wrong if it ends was a GREAT idea and will help you out tremendously.

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

Thank you so much my Dear Professor ❤

[@lizbethbustamante5273]

"Your addiction remains intact." Somehow I'm smiling so much just hearing all of this outloud. Somehow comforting. And gross. Lol Thank you Sam.

[@emmierow1980]

Thank you for this excellent insight. Are you aware of any adult with dependent personality disorder whose critical parental introject is so powerful that they remain alone, without relationship, for their entire life? And yet experience existential terror at their own aloneness, but won’t allow themselves to contemplate seeking a partner?

[@samvaknin]

Watch my videos on schizoids.

[@Melissa-lovinlife]

You already know this, but wow, you're good!!! Such great depth!

[@faunaflora-tw7eo]

Thank you Sam ,0 brilliant and enlightening

[@yanliluo9303]

It is so true! Exactly what I have experienced.

[@treesarose97]

Agreed. The “special” title is just another hook.

[@nataliedart2696]

I’d like to say I’m grateful for every single video and piece of writing you put out. I’m finally coming closer to understanding myself and have one question if you haven’t answered it already elsewhere: As a lifelong version of the fourth type you mention (the oscillating narcissistic borderline codependent) are my chances of recovery in therapy more on par with a classic codependent, a classic borderline or a classic narcissist? Or is that too black and white a posing of a far more complicated question?

[@samvaknin]

Where narcissistic defenses are present, the prognosis is less promising.

[@sasuz1]

I truly appreciate you taking the time to share your insights and knowledge with us. As a codependent, I find this content enormously helpful however even after identifying with everything you said, I still am finding it hard to let go. What should a codependent do with the newly formed gap in her life when she breaks away from a dysfunctional relationship? I have used my preoccupation with my relationship and abuser as a distraction and to fill a void, I am worried about what I do with myself when I no longer have access to this? How does a vicarious codependent begin to generate a life for herself when she has never been taught and lacks incentive to do so?

[@samvaknin]

Therapy.

[@sasuz1]

@@samvaknin have been in therapy for 4 years

[@suzannefletcher3618]

@@sasuz1 find another therapist maybe

[@jaispera]

@@samvaknin amen.

[@niekelombard4434]

12 step programs as well?

[@warilaetamaraye8712]

Thank, My great prof

[@entertainmentonly2305]

Is it possible to be a (covert) narcissist and a codependent at the same time?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. But it is much more common to be a codependent and a Borderline (secondary psychopath, if a woman - covert borderline, if a man).

[@entertainmentonly2305]

@@samvaknin thank you for your answer, Mr. Vaknin. Your descripions of narcissistic behaviors and views of the world are really awesome and accurate and make me smile a lot haha

[@gergofuri2334]

Professor, In this part where you talk about the sadistic inner parent is it coming from the covert incest from the parent during the childhood?

[@samvaknin]

Not always.

[@greendivaapothecary9790]

Hi Dr. Vaknin, I'm happy you discussed the idea of the codependent being the flip side of the same narcissist coin, because I experience this in my own life with a sort of commingling of some of the behaviours of these two personality styles, which has lead to long-term confusion for me. But, is it possible to unintentionally idealize, devalue, discard and often hoover repeatedly and still be a codependent or is this strictly narcissistic behaviour, whether you do it intentionally or not?

[@samvaknin]

It is Borderline and narcissistic behavior.

[@pancakeprincess-b5s]

In my family I was the scapegoat, I’m the oldest. Next sibling is identical looking to my narc mother and she was golden child. I think my mother was golden child of three children and my ex was a golden child (praised and discarded constantly) so I’m starting to think the golden child turns into the narcissist? It’s not all good for the golden child, they get both positive and negative attention from parents much like how the victim looks from the outside of the relationship. The narcissist tells everyone how happy they are, gifts given etc but behind closed doors there’s more to it I’d be interested to know if anyone else has a similar experience

[@captain8362]

I beleive the same idea. My older brother is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. He is definetely a narcisistic abuser like mom. And I am the codepended, low self worth one. Eventhough I have many talents. I am at age 49. I just realise these, start working on. Thanks to Prof. Sam. He enlightenes me for all these..And I wish you my best wishes..

[@lizbethbustamante5273]

Social support is indepensible...great reminder

[@lorijane9265]

Thank you for the... talk to a friend... advice!

[@tamarag9478]

Do you have any further information on “in-house stocking” in any of the books. I’ve seen the two videos on this, which I think is happening to me but it dosn’t seem like therapists are really aware of this phenomena and that it would be easy or possible to get help for it. Is there any further info from you on it anywhere?

[@samvaknin]

In house stalking. I Just invented this term, so I am sure others will steal it in due time.

[@tamarag9478]

@@samvaknin Please expend on it somewhere and what someone can do to help themselves if this is happening to them because this is the first time I heard of an explanation of what happened to me after my divorce and still keeps on happening on and off. Other therapists were puzzled by what I was describing and not helpful at all....

[@jennifert2002]

I have this. I am codependent married to a borderline. Anytime I see a truck that even sort of looks like my husbands' I get all excited, like obsessed. He mistreats me and I am dying to get away but also helplessly addicted to him.

[@CarinaAbramovic-sh8ej]

@@samvaknin thank you for all your work. Do you have a video on borderline+narcissism in the same person? 🙂

[@joyceconklin4596]

I was always kind to my partner for many yrs tell I didn't want his controlling ways any more n said goodbye to him but still he called me everyday even though we were no more together. My question to you is why couldn't he let go n leave me alone always he cried to me n I felt sorry for my abuser. What was wrong with me

[@lauradevi290]

Thank you Professor Vaknin, Im learning about myself. And it is trully scaring, Im manipulating my abuser and he is manipulating me that is completelly unhealthy. Im clinging over my narcisist and I fear so much of being abandoned by him so I left. I fear sooo much of being abandoned by anyone. How shall I deal with this?

[@samvaknin]

Therapy.

[@lauradevi290]

@@samvaknin Prof.Vaknin thank you for your advise. I started the therapy for the co-dependency and I blocked him, no more ghosting in my life. It is simply enough. Thanks a lot for your videos, it helped me a lot to understand where I am in this entangelment.

[@jtgames810]

Can a type 2 get past that. I dont want to live like this anymore.

[@lenacrang4025]

Timely - thank you

[@carolgraham8843]

Do you offer private counseling? Thinking that's a no, but have to ask.

[@danielfrancoismalherbe6803]

Would a person living in extreme denial of themselves with severe OCD lifestyle acting involuntarily on a completely reposed sense of conformity to society, subtly in avoiding all kinds of pain (almost like a robot-pathology, complacent and autonomously blank in taking risks) naturally fall towards the far end of codependency or just autism? quite curious to distinguish the difference since i am not qualified to diagnose these mixed signals I endure from others in my job. fascinating video! thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and insights thereof on the topic

[@samvaknin]

Watch my recent vid on self-sufficiency.

[@RainCall13]

Would it be possible to be counter dependent and the turn into a co-dependent once you're in the opinion you've found "the one"?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@RainCall13]

@@samvaknin I haven't finished your lecture earlier on. Just finished it now and saw there's a lot of explanation on the matter. Thank you for speaking so clear about everything. Your topics really seem to leave barely any questions open.

[@user-nx1wz9wc3y]

Brilliant.

[@NadineFlowersjoycampla]

Sam, curious about the role of trauma bonding and the chemicals / hormones that get released within these kinds of relationships that feature intermittent reinforcement, frustration attraction, and how unpredictability of bx makes people more alluring to the brain... Do you have any videos that address this specifically? I found Dr. Fisher's work and was wondering how you factor this in...and the conceptualization toward a brain that is cocaine addicted.

[@samvaknin]

The brain is involved in everything we do and say. But we have no idea how: correlation is not necessarily causation. Neuroscience is at a very primitive stage, but neuroscientists make grandiose, untenable claims all the same - and all the time. This is both ignorant and shameful.

[@NadineFlowersjoycampla]

@@samvaknin Got it. One of my prior clinical supervisors used to say that all the time “correlation does not equal causation”. Thank you again.

[@marinapaull451]

Spot on neighbours relying on each other health society disgusting been single independent long time seen bs years codependents excuses leeches Addiction substances

[@newtonoliveira3912]

Não errou uma vírgula na questão da codependência É isso aí mesmo

[@ambermoore6070]

Yes this is the 💯 truth.

[@Mainedigger]

Indeed I learned violence at an age before I can remember therefor I am. I must thank loud mouth Aunts for this wisdom. Is all hope lost of course not face yourself and know what you are.

[@mishastorm1293]

I don’t know which Codependent strain I fall under. Yet I’m supposed to know myself best. Maybe because I can’t decide, ha. Boy is that true on not making decisions easily. N why am I referred to as a she & in the narcissist videos it’s a he ? Kidding, though gender identification creates a subconscious assumption there’s a difference, which I naturally sense there is contrary to Sam’s view. I do know this, being a Codependent & having a Narcissist partner of some sort that has betrayed gives no fulfilling comfort. It is a brutal compounded trauma that lingers to a truly unknown end.