Mourning Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

[@christinehall6441]

The worst thing is facing up to your own weakness in allowing the bullying, brainwashing and blackmail, which made you feel like a weak coward with no self esteem. In old age these feelings can overwhelm you with resentment and regret for your family having lived through it due to your lack of courage to break free.

[@SamStone1964]

Absolutely. And for some of us there is the regret that we missed out on having a family because we allowed ourselves to become entangled with a narcissist.

[@SarahYoung-y5c]

Leftover echoes of the abuse? What is true is that someone hurt you, and it is not ok. They stole pieces of your life. But you can also remember all the other things that you managed to love and create and feel anyway? Don't let all those years be a wasted feeling. You must have some beautiful memories as defiled as they may feel right now. They are still yours, and they are treasures. They don't belong to anybody else. They are your keys back to who you really are. It wasn't your fault! You broke the evil spell the moment you said the words... "You have no power over me." -Laberinth-. To me, this really means not only now but that they never had any real power over you. They could only take advantage of your previous wounds. Take advantage of your humanity and your capacity to love. To own these parts of yourself to forgive and seek to heal and improve yourself takes the fangs out of your neck so your previous wounds can heal. So you can finally heal whatever made you vulnerable in the first place. They are deeply empty and sad inside. They feed off of your empathy. They are mind parasites. Don't let that further darken the potential you have left to live in life? It's part of your story, and your story is a success story because you lived to tell the tail and help others by doing so. Thank you for sharing with me. You helped me. You are very brave!!! Remember, you had all the power all along. You have ❤️

[@SarahYoung-y5c]

It's the hardest part. I am still working on it too. I still worry about the kids, too. That I let it happen to them. Please have compassion for yourself. I stayed in for 20 years for his kids. The kids saw me be abused. But, they also saw me break free... eventually. I felt like his loyal dog. I felt like a human shield for them. I did the best I could, and so did you. I bit him back when the kids got old enough. Forgive yourself and remember that you didn't do the harm. You were swept up and trapped in it. They give you impossible choices, and you betray yourself for the kids and for your own survival. Then your mind recoils because you are a good person. And then you get lost in the deep dark Forrest. We can show them the way out. But first we have to find it for ourselves. You are doing great!

[@kitkat186]

Going around in circles is designed to wear their victim down. I only asked for an assurance from him not to be cruel to me, I have been guilt tripped and had so many obstacles thrown at me as to why he can't. He wants me back but only on his terms it's mindblowing watching him swear black is white. Now I know I'm part of the problem I have to go.

[@ThomasConover]

❤ my only solution was to erase my entire family from my life permanently without looking back for even a split second.

[@MutantDustBunny]

When I saw that the narc was energized and happy by my grief, i decided to be happy and live my dreams. I now live in a very beautiful organic farm in Mexico, I am alone but I am happier than ever in my life. I am not interested in a romantic relationship, but I have many new friends and a new life. I did have to mourn my losses because he caused me to lose my business, my marriage and my community. These narcissists' are extremely dangerous!

[@CherylPalmer-ni9fi]

Well done for moving forward but, you were able to love this person. That is a strength that you have and they will never be able to feel that. That is the beauty in yourself that you may have forgotten. Don’t be afraid to date and try it again. The Narc can take everything that they are not (we all have those emotions) but in all heart of heart that’s one power we have that they don’t is LOVE. LOVE CONQUERS ALL ❤U

[@Tiger-dg3cz]

❤

[@marciestoddard730]

I moved to mexico after realizing my enire family are narcissistic enmeshed ppl..mexico is a safehaven man. Saved my life. Im on the hunt for a new location if you hsve amy recommendations. Peace man

[@aquariusstar7248]

Wow!!😮 congrats on your breakthrough🎉🎉

[@xXxPsychoRaiderxXx]

They will not care AT ALL how they impact / ruin your life. They want zero accountability or responsibility.

[@janemann8613]

The feeling of ‘loving yourself’ is the answer. Self love. I have been eating well, out walking in nature. I play with my hobbies, arts & crafts. These things have put time and space between my hurt & grief and made my life open up and give me joy & true happiness. ❤️

[@samvaknin]

Watch the NA Healing and the Life's Wisdom playlists.

[@csw7861]

Post break up I've watched months worth of content on narcissism, but it's this lecture that stands out. It's complex material but it's explained so clearly and concisely. The hardest part for me was the realisation that none of what she said or did was real. It was a scam that was wrapped up as love. People, we need to be careful out there, as these beasts walk among us

[@thendebele]

That's where I'm stuck... It's been one month, but I wanna get over it so bad...

[@csw7861]

​@@thendebele I feel your pain, I'm still there after nearly 2 years, and that's with a lot of work and soul searching.

[@rancho-relaxo-radio]

@@adaptercrash I never thought I would read a Blind Melon line here! Beautiful song!

[@anthonygutierrez7732]

That's the hardest part after 10 years it wasn't real they never loved me and I don't know who they are. ... hurts still trying to accept it

[@judieg.7945]

@@thendebele Try 12 months or 24. This hurt can be dealt with in a logical manner but the sorrow of the heart is deep. Kind regards.

[@vernicelli]

I've recently been discarded, and it feels like I'm being dragged into an endless abyss. Looking back, I should have left the moment I felt that intense fear. The fear was so overwhelming that I couldn't even catch my breath when he revealed his true self for the first time. It's terrifying because I grew up feeling rejected by my own mother, who called me a mistake. I'm lost and don't know what to do.

[@joannastanden5816]

Me 2 I understand. Hugs and love to you.iam 2 weeks in .

[@user-lt3yb4fm6q]

It happened to me too. It totally broke me down for about a year, and I can honestly say I dont view the world the same ever again. It feels like I have faced pure evil. It will get better, give It time and be kind to yourself 😊

[@erniechipdouglas9779]

I have exactly the same thing happen with me my mom said she hates me and she hopes I die she also said she should have got an abortion and I was a mistake. This is all while I'm 6 years old it could have started before that I can't remember buy I can remember her disgusting drunken breath tormenting me saying she hopes I die

[@jodyfarina1147]

You’re the first person that I’ve seen, also like me, experienced true terror. My mouth turns to the strangest version of dry mouth. It wasn’t even that, it felt like cotton balls. I could barely speak. And yes,.. I should’ve split then… 12 years later, I only just filed for divorce. And it’s bizarre..

[@safethamzagic7226]

You are going to come out in the other side stronger. Don’t let him back in your life. Educate yourself on all mental disorders. You got this.

[@slashharken5008]

As a gay man, my first significant relationship was with a vulnerable narcissist for approximately three years. I resided with him in isolation for around a year in a foreign country, and that was when I experienced the deepest depression I had ever felt, even while taking a high dose of anti-depressants. After leaving him, I returned to the pandemic, with the gym closed, therapy becoming inaccessible, and I was left feeling isolated. During this time of confusion and depression, I discovered Sam Vaknin, as well as other healers like Dr. Ramani, who gave me some answers. However, this process felt like dying, and I cried without understanding why. It was grief for the dream, the fantasy of who I was. Your video made it clear that this was more like a process of death, grief, and ultimately resurrection as I strive to be reborn anew while still being haunted by the ghost of my narcissistic self.

[@fastingcoach9711]

Prof. S. Vaknin is a legend in educational matter in this topic; The book The mountain is you Helped me to process what prof. Vaknin explains!

[@lucye5752]

These people really do turn your world upside down. I’m not who I was before I met him but I’m determined to get me back again. I don’t like myself and who I’ve become since meeting him and that’s what I struggle with the most.

[@Jasmine-gw1uw]

I wouldn’t describe ramani as a healer more an educator

[@Anita-mh1vz]

@@fastingcoach9711 20:04

[@SamStone1964]

@@Jasmine-gw1uw The more we educate ourselves the more we heal.

[@MonaLisa-ur1px]

You can accept the loss of self BUT you can reinvent yourself and become a new you!

[@Tiger-dg3cz]

Accept the loss and be glad they are no longer in your life

[@allywolf9182]

Look how bad off people are after 2 or 3 years with a narcissist. I WAS RAISED BY ONE! Can't find a therapist. These people gravitate towards me like a magnet. It's hell

[@nerisakidd296]

So sorry to hear you had a parent or guardian who was narcasstic, must have been so very difficult for you having no choice to leave. Are there no therapists or councillors around you?

[@allywolf9182]

@@nerisakidd296 not for this.

[@SamStone1964]

@@allywolf9182 Maybe try looking for online support groups.

[@allywolf9182]

@harounben342 those meds are not your friends..... I'm so sad for you. Big hugs!

[@SamStone1964]

@@harounben342 Are you in a position to leave the therapist, abusers and flying monkeys?

[@rowbyrow1587]

I totally understand the projection, the maternal image, the hall of mirrors, and how the narcissist created the ultimate grief in the victim by withdrawing that maternal ,unconditional attention. Totally get it! I lived it! I am 3.5 years out of a covert narcissist relationship with therapy, hypnosis, and no contact under my belt - along with education like you offer. But, this is the first time I am listening from a different angle ( because of my healing progress)... and a LIGHT BULB JUST WENT ON in my head as to another reason why it was soooooo devastating for me to break away from this abusive relationship and deal with grief and depression and loneliness..... it was the maternal feeling that he triggered in me and the fear of the loss of his! Of course I would fear that loss greater than some! After all....my own mother died when I was 10 and it was then that I had to go live with my abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic father!! The loss of my mother, the manipulation from my father, 3 other failed narcissistic relationships and now THIS ONE! But I get it now! I was set up for failure from the get go! I know why my therapist initially said, "you are going to become the person you were always meant to be" I was scared to death of that outcome because I had absolutely no idea who I was supposed to be!! I had always been an abused, scared, child afraid of abandonment and had lived my adult life with all the behaviors I had used to protect myself as a child: pleasing, taking care of others, dismissing my own needs, making others happy, never speaking up for myself, and afraid to set boundaries. OF COURSE!!! all of those fears that have driven me for 65 years were activated x10 during this last break up! THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FORGIVE MYSELF- the child in me who knew no other way. I am finally an adult who has some answers and am on a healthy journey forward in life and I am actually now excited to find out who I was always meant to be! THANK YOU!

[@gridspir]

Thank you for this share…it’s very helpful for me to read. I’m so happy for you! I know the recovery process can be like roller coaster of insights and slide backs…may we one day get enough insight to truly heal. Wishing you the best! 🙏❤🎉

[@l3lackoutsMedia]

I damn well accidentally called my ex mother once or twice. This accident was heavily repulsive to my ex btw. I understand now that this was subconsciously forced to happen eventually due to the way this kind of dynamic works ... This is exactly the kind of realization that gives you the creeps for not knowing the crazy ways of our consciousness.

[@sophiamcleod1841]

I grieved the years I wasted, I grieved the husband I had chosen that became the father of my children, I grieved that I didn’t noticed all the different red flags. I grieved the hurt of my youngest hurt. I am doing well and thankful my children are doing well by cutting contact as I did with that virus of a person. We are at peace never mentioning names or anything about that family ❤I became a better person, where I know the dead are among us.I am different now because I know they’re dead people walking around hurting people. So I would never want to be the old me, I will never forget how to separate the dead from the living .

[@kellyb1420]

Such a powerful thumbnail, Almost made me cry. Where is that ‘self’ that once existed. I look in the mirror and see no joy, of the women I once was, before my husbands narcissist abuse. I don’t recognize the reflection that looks back at me in the mirror, Thank you for at least helping me realize that I’m NOT CRAZY! I’m just being gas lighted, repeatedly told, I am nothing, and that I DO NOTHING FOR HIM! I honestly owe you my life. Because I was so close to taking it. Sadly my narcissist husband has isolated me to the point where I have NO FRIENDS, NO SON, either, who hurts the most when the Narc turns your own children against you. It’s painful. So for what it’s worth even when I can’t get outta of bed, you give me hope. Thanks 🙏 😊

[@sonaboo]

Kelly I get everything you say and I wish you well as you heal. Please find an internal reason to hope and believe in yourself. Exist in your own life, grow as a person. You can win.

[@daleg4299]

Heya Kelly, Get out! No, seriously GET OUT!!!! Get out of bed, get out of your head, get out of the relationship, get out of the house, get out!!!!! It's terrifying, it feels impossible, your grief feels bigger than yourself; but your LIFE is waiting while you stay stuck in something you didn't ask for,, don't deserve and don't recognize as the ONLY thing that is keeping you paralyzed, stuck, and dying inside. I've been there. This illusion that you have agreed to simply grants them personal power. ..YOUR power.... that you have given to a complete weakling...a shell of a human who cannot change. Love YOU, (they cannot) care for YOU, (they cannot) put YOU first; (they will not) and one tiny step at a time TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. DO NOT wait to rescue yourself. You have been there too long already in slow dance with death and you are better than that. I am on my way in my healing and I am nearly 66 years old. I am not "done" and likely will not be....ever. BUT I am more at peace now than ever in my life and I can tell you.....whatever it costs you (money, a roof overhead, your family, whatever....) IT IS WORTH EVERY LOSS TO GAIN YOURSELF. Sending you love and blessings, D

[@bpassion4fashion581]

@@daleg4299 Wao! I love your message . This is so powerful . I am 48 and at times feel so tired , I think my life is over but you just reminded me that whatever it takes to own myself is what I must do ! I’ll add to that , “ get out of my head “ bc even though sometimes the narc is not physically near , the space they occupy in our heads is enough to makes us feel paralyze with self doubt and confusion. Thank again! 🙏❤️

[@kellyb1420]

@@daleg4299 Thank you 🙏 I truly wish it was that easy…. It’s not, when you’ve been shut out, locked out, and have no access to a vehicle or our bank account. My Narc is in complete control of all of our finances and family car. I truly wish I could ‘Get Out’ but I am trapped. I wish I could make you understand with out sounding pathetic or like I’m making excuses for myself. I am ISOLATED! Your message made me cry 😢 and I appreciate you so very much XoXo hugs 🤗

[@daleg4299]

@@kellyb1420 Hi Again, Did I say easy? Nope. Try BRUTAL. You are in a tough spot and isolation makes it worse (they count on that as a favorite weapon.) So, on the sly begin to poke around.....women's groups, centers and shelters, public defenders (you read that right,) even places like planned parenthood and local clinics are all good bets because they know about advocacy and where to (and NOT to) send you to find out options you never thought of and legal rights you never knew you had. Tell NO ONE close to your partner or "well intended" family members or friends what you are doing. Take baby steps and do it PRIVATELY. Ensure confidentiality while you get your bearings. It took awhile for you to get in to this and it will take awhile to get out, but you can and must do it. Get up and make your bed everyday and make yourself go for a walk sit in the park and breathe fresh air and take in the quiet. Remember all the things you learned to do by yourself in this lifetime. Remember how capable you really are. Remember that you are worth loving, even if it feels like you are the only one to do that right now. Remember that your love for you has always been and will always be enough. Then take the next baby step. Sending prayers, D

[@deanarjones9114]

A covert after an overt is devastating

[@JohnBlickos-ns9lx]

Agreed, especially when you allow 10 years in between the two

[@ilsellamas]

Watching this makes my brain think so much and its just so crazy for 4 years I felt like I was robbed from my own body.

[@elsiemarina2572]

I agree..They are like body snatchers.

[@vibra1562]

The worst I have ever felt in my life. Felt infected by him like a deadly virus. So glad that i’m out this day, and want to pursue all areas of life in healthy ways again

[@ilsellamas]

Exactly ! All along they made it seem like being a human was wrong! Time to get all our voices back and actually do life the right way based on yourself and nobody else…especially when all along you had someone in your ear! Congrats on your road to a healthy life!

[@justinekelly7137]

It’s crazy how we start seeing so clearly once we are away from them, it’s like a fog lifting

[@JesseFox-ke2xt]

Wow, you are absolutely right. They make you think you are the best person in the world. They hold you up until they see any small thing they don’t like, after that they start building a list against you. It sucks that you end up living on egg shells, being afraid of the next thing that upsets them. In the end you are left without a companion and years of work to heal yourself. Idk how to climb out of this whole but I am definitely stuck in the grief of it all.

[@moeamro8681]

Wow, couldn’t be said better. Exactly what happened to me 😿

[@TrossDolfei]

It's funny because mine literally wrote a list.

[@divinefemininevibehigh6011]

That's very true, it does get better, bit by bit, inch by inch, but it does get better by conditioning yourself with your choice of supportive people places & things, one day at a time you will soon feel lighter & lighter & out of nowhere you surprise yourself that feeling is no longer there but a speck of an unimaginable flame inside has added extra shield to your resilient Armour. You have become Stronger than the Narcissist.

[@ScottWebb27]

I believe I am probably in prolonged grief state from a few things in my life. Really broken at the end of 2019. And then it was loss after loss after loss. It is a deep grief abyss to climb out of I think. Time to seriously do the work.

[@susans7091]

What a sense of humor! "Grief is my favorite subject. It brings me so much joy!" A redo after KZbin removed his previous one.

[@valorideekon7716]

Wow … now I see why this hurt me to the depth that it did … My biological Mother abandoned my sister and I as babies. No wonder I feel so hard under the narcissist’s control. I had been looking for a loving Mother my entire life and then I found him. And in the beginning he assumed the roll of what I was searching for all my life. I left the narcissist over a year ago and I was like how did I ever fall for that … You have just given me the piece to the puzzle that I could not find. Bless you. And now I understand as well how he became soulless. There is nothing I can do for him except pray that our lord gives him peace.

[@ayshaaslam4802]

It’s been 3 years since I broke up with my covert narcissist ex. I’ve learned, healed and moved on but I still feel l’ll never fall in love again like I did with him because it felt so magical and beautiful.

[@luiscaceres-qk4yk]

Then become that … be beautiful to others and they will reflect that on you be magical love is everywhere.. but you are waiting for it when is the opposite become that and it will be mirrored!

[@haliec496]

I absolutely agree. I did feel that I wanted to die because the psychological pain was too much but I knew if I stayed I would also die. Somehow I got out, still, I was so confused after I left. 3 years on I have accepted that the person I was no longer exists, the experience woke me up. My life has now changed for the better. I have found discernment, boundaries and I know that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I don't wish anything for the narc, i have no pity or grievance. Lesson learned. Back to adulting.

[@aleksk1610]

I think every surviver of narcissistic abuse should watch this video. I am one and for at least 3 years after leaving I acted a lot like a narcissist! I couldn't understand that after realising this, because all videos that I watched targeted towards survivers said you can't switch your empathy on and off... "But it was beaten out of me", I kept thinking. I remembered having tremendous amounts of empathy as a child and it also decreased after being bullied at school. Thank you for this video, it's so validating to hear.

[@yuanyuan23191212]

Beaten out of you…😂😂😂

[@yvonnedyer5371]

I’ve been there and broke the trauma bond and healed. It took me 2yrs

[@ΚλελιαΝικολακακη]

As a psychologist, I find it to be a great lesson really well presented, it summarises many significant points. Thank you for sharing this.

[@succulentlife3343]

So happy!! This is the video that was the eye opener that took me from walking around in zombie circles to... this makes sense... there might be something bigger and a process here. I started remembering the things I loved before the three years and none seemed to matter, but as I forced myself to ride horse and try things, I regrew.

[@traciezolman9212]

Horses heal 💕

[@maureendoyle6632]

This man is abuser..now making money admits damage he's done...He may be looking for vulnerable people but he's getting paid...Its like mocking all Survivors of Narc abuse

[@bumblebee7082]

I dont even know who I am anymore,I dont know what I like or used to enjoy. For me its new,I filed for a divorce last month after 11 years of DV and control.I feel numb,I cry for no reason,every noise scares me.I feel empty.

[@succulentlife3343]

@@maureendoyle6632 that may be partially true, but it's still beneficial knowledge that has helped many people heal and the fact that his energy is channeled in a way that promotes a better life and understanding for people suffering is appreciated and valuable.

[@succulentlife3343]

@bumblebee7082 It takes time, but it's worth the effort to understand the process of how you got to where you are, embrace new choices in life, and build healthy. I know that may not even sound possible, but it is. Healing does not happen over night and takes effort to sort out. Grieve, but don't stay there. Forward may be baby steps, but starts with self care even when you don't feel like it. ❤️ I wish you peace and that you find your joy again!

[@kfa6830]

My God...two gems back to back made me exclaim out loud: The narcissist gives you an idealised image of yourself then the narcissist offers you what your mother should have offered you: unconditional love...double whammy!

[@christopherkenway]

So very true. She did this knowing that I had survived overt narcissistic wife and girlfriend. Then tried to shame me into staying friends

[@RS-ww8jo]

I think it also depends on how long you were with the narc. 33 years I was 28 when we met. Divorced at 61 and finally healed at 64. Plus he kept coming back into my life to intentionally keep me stuck and played games with my heart and head. I was alone out in the country and taking care of my bedridden mother too. I couldn’t really ever go anywhere. Only when I could rarely get someone to take care of her so I could go anywhere. I healed on my own several ways. God and utube videos and listening to you too Dr. It was the hardest time of my life. Thank you so much for helping others ❤

[@brigitte2217]

I so deeply feel for you ❤I'm going through the same horrible time right now and I'm 65. Much love from Germany

[@RS-ww8jo]

@@brigitte2217 best wishes for you. We got this girl stay strong and have hope and faith. The end of the darkness will come. God bless you🙏🏼🤗

[@brigitte2217]

@@RS-ww8jo Thank you and God bless you too 👏❤

[@RS-ww8jo]

@@brigitte2217 thank you 🙏🏼 Yes it’s hard in your 60’s but if I can do it you can too. I swear as hard as it is no contact really helped me. I got him out of the house that helped too. Best wishes for you. God will get you through it just trust in him and love yourself through the journey ❤️🤗🙏🏼

[@RS-ww8jo]

@@brigitte2217 love and wishing you the best from the USA

[@summertime80]

This one hit hard. Startlingly so. This might be one to listen to multiple times. Wow.

[@JillianReeves]

Incredible as usual and distrubing in so many ways. I remember my narc ex actually saying when we met "think of it as a dream". I could actually feel the toxicity on my skin when he referred to them "dumping their grief. I've never met somone so unhappy in my life... I was always so very heavy after talking to him. There was something so very toxic about him towards the end I could literally feel it vibrating in my pores... Death permeates and engulfs the narcissist. Emanates from the Narcissist as some kind of miasma and enshrouds you as well... is right... that awful feeling came back when you spoke of this part of them... so disturbing as it feels like I'm still infected on some level. It's embarassing how infatalized I became...unregulated emotions, pavolovian response to his criticism, begging him to comfort me, basking in the look of adoration he would have in his eyes when he was favorably disposed before shrinking under his withering harsh, destrutive words and deeds. He would vascilate from saying I loved him more than his mother ever did to I've never made him feel love at all.... while constantly declaring this Great Love for me that I was too damaged to see. He would always say "everyone sees how much I love you but you". In reality he was a cheater and a liar not just a confabulator. When I would threaten to leave he would guilt me, threaten to hurt himself, tell me how much I needed him and impress upoon me that I would NEVER EVER find love like ours again. After leaving him I can honestly say I pray he is right. Never. Again.

[@reneewatson582]

As I have read your true stories dear sisters let me say a few words that will help you recover. I will turn 80 this July. I have been in few Narcissistic relationships. With family and friends. I have experienced what you have. I am still friends with one man whom I love, ........ and can't stand each time I'm with him. The reason I still see him is his good side is so wonderful 😍. Now, please try to understand me and why I can tolerate this relationship. When he lets the bad man out I tell him to leave, and he does. I will not tolerate that behavior from anyone. They must leave or I do. This is how I manage our friendship. He and I have discussed his problem and he understands his problem. Now, I hope my true story helps you who have suffered through Narcissistic behavior. Also praying helps tremendously.

[@kiwicatnip]

The way that you describe how it feels to be around the narcissist is so spot on..I get the same feeling.

[@kathleentootell5469]

I’m in such grief over walking away … it hurt to be with and hurts to be without - I can’t stand the upset 😢

[@katrinarodriguez1975]

This is brilliant, you explain narcissism like no other. Thank you 😊

[@ripley7t429]

Yep, currently in process of separation/divorce from BPD/with Narc tendencies after 31 years. I almost died from this relationship. Codependency and such is a real mess. The healthier I get, the more angry she gets.

[@daisycharles440]

Me too 11 years with BPD, probably covert borderline. 2 years out of it and honestly if I hadn’t the knowledge from this channel I would have been manipulated back. I need therapy or something to recover fully. Stay strong

[@Carol-sm6zu]

Ditto. Going through divorce after 35 yrs. This is hard but necessary.

[@ripley7t429]

@@Carol-sm6zu What I dont understand is why I didnt see it all these years. I am now going through the paranoia stage with her and am sending her off to her mothers to ease the stress. She thinks I am tracking her everywhere, even though I have told her it is over and we will just divide everything up. So sad.

[@ripley7t429]

@@daisycharles440 You too. Such a sad thing these folks have to go through. Get help, I have. It is so much better now. Really in my case the final discard was like six years ago and we have been living as roommates. I have had a lot of time to process and work on things. Just need to get through this year and finish everything up.

[@carolsummers8734]

I can concur with that. I was married to one for 30 years.

[@yarigarciaa]

When we stop grieving it means that thing is truly gone…I’ve not been ready for that part. I want to be. God I want to be. I’ve completely lost myself. Never had myself.

[@julieholdcroftbetty8520]

I thought that everyone could be happy if I was dead. I was made to feel that I was the problem.

[@carolsummers8734]

Been there. My love from my little granddaughter kept me from self hurt. I didn't want to disappoint her.

[@angiehayes7397]

I get it my friend. Like Carol Summers though, it's my 2 grands that have quite literally saved my life. "Bubba" is 6 & "Sissy" is 4 & they love me as much as I love them. Knowing how children always blame themselves when bad things happen, I would NEVER put them through that. Their mother is cruel enough to tell them that they ARE the reason their Nan is gone!! Yes, she really is that evil!!! And my son....she's (figuratively) killing him too but he just don't see it. Well, deep inside he sees it,,,he KNOWS it, but it's "safer" to be mad at Mama. I get that. It's hard, but I get it because I know that HE knows I will be here when he needs a soft place to land. No matter what ♡

[@LeahDyson-kq4bd]

I think some people do want us dead even if they don't admit it to themselves

[@yvettesaxon8572]

My narcissist is a twin. His twin sister is also a narcissist. What you have described is making sense to me. My mother abandoned the family when I was 10. I have just left (about a month ago) the relationship after 27 years. Thank you for this video. I have a lot of work to do.

[@Dailyprophet777]

I grieved for 2 years and even then it was to long I then went on to do four diplomas learnt so much and never looked back I learnt alot from the narcissist I'm not going to say my as he is not mine I broke free from staying stagnant my life was now a beginning of a beautiful life. Thank you Sam

[@nicholaskaralus1904]

90% the time I had no idea where they were mentally. I use to ask what her worries and wants. She was always speechless

[@74palms]

I literally know nothing about her, there is no one but contempt to know.

[@jodyslaughter2621]

I lost my oldest daughter in a car accident, my youngest was seriously injured. Then I got involved with a narcissist lawyer, DA. It’s been a nightmare

[@brookeerdman8338]

Mine came after a traumatic death of my partner. His sorrowful look brought me close, his love bombing golden period brought me even closer. I thought I was saved.

[@lovenature4802]

I hope you are doing well now ❤

[@beekinder6953]

Around 8 mins the explanation about grieving too long and making grief the pivot of your life.....kind of reminded me of the old phrase that was often used that a person was 'wallowing in self pity'. They would be encouraged to stop that and get on with life. During WW2 folks couldn't indulge in allowing grief to be the pivot of their lives. I think of the devastating sights, the trauma, the horror, the loss of that and tell myself that this particular grief I feel cannot be as bad surely? My journey of grief, (from ending over 30 years of multiple source narc abuse, including close family), is only 2 weeks in and I came here to find a fast track forward. I don't want to feel this way a second longer than I have to. Be strong survivors and thrievers: our freedom day will come. Others have freed themselves and speak of the wonderful lives that await us. Freedom folks that's what we're working for. For our health, our sanity, our safety and our right to be treated with Respect, Kindness and care.

[@jessluck6583]

This helped me so much. Watching it was like 5 years of therapy in one video. Thank you.

[@jomama8984]

I totally relate to being immersed in the negativity and grief. He frequently lamented about how his mom would have slapped his face if he said this or that. He called himself damaged goods. He went through 6 bosses in less than 3 years due to his anger issues. It was just too much. I'm generally content with my home and pets and some fresh air and sunshine. I'm not craving all the drama and anger. I was shattered the first few splits but this time I've realized what he had to offer and that things are not going to change.

[@Tinky456]

Wow! This is so true. I already had a narcissistic mother, so never had a mother's love. When the narcissistic partner love bombed me, it felt wonderful. Then came the next stage where I felt disintegrated and was abandoned, again! Lost and broken and it felt I would die. I'm over him but self esteem and self rebuilding is in process. Thank you for this, it gives me understanding as to why this has been such a devastating experience

[@fastingcoach9711]

I do understand completely due to the fact of similar circumstances; The book The mountain is you helped me a lot to process the horrible pain I felt!!!

[@kaylaaicher3902]

Same plus I wanted a child with him so I was looking for a mom and wanted to be one

[@jaimeamby5568]

WOW!! Such a powerfull, head-on video. I am at last coming out of the womb after a horrendous 13 months of total lost loneliness. I have had the good fortune of seeing my ex do to his new catch, what he did to me!! It is like a treasure hunt- and everything is unfolding at the same speed and with the same tools. Fascinating! Without your insightful and educational videos, I think I would have stayed in the dark for the rest of my life, without a life! Grateful thanks. Yes, you do save lives and many hearts!

[@alexr.3504]

Thank you, Professor, for putting narcissistic abuse in such eloquent, insightful, accurate, poetic words. I had not considered that I am grieving myself, but I know it’s true.

[@kimhawkins2891]

That explains a lot. I have never had a more difficult break up experience. Friends and family can’t see the loss I feel. From their viewpoint, I’m not losing much. I feel as though I’ve lost everything, even though my job, home, etc. are still intact.

[@ParadigmMine]

I never comment on YT. But this was the most eye opening explanation I have ever imbued. For the last 18 months I have been trying to identify myself. But who I knew for for 38 years is dead. Who I am is 18 months old… publish more books Lilly! Or drink more wine. It makes your content more insightful

[@Shanti1777]

Very educative video Professor Sam. I’ve been there broke the bond. Weeks of panic attacks and emotional pain, watching your videos was so helpful to understand. It was as just a game, there is nobody home, still hard to hear.

[@maximum360]

It makes sense. At a young age I observed my mother being physically abused by my father who then separated from my mother and moved to another country while being a womanizer. He then moved back to my country and tried to assault my mother while we were at my grandmother's house (had knife in hand threatening to kill her, threw acid on my uncle's face). He was initially held by the police but my mom asked them to pay him go. She gave custody of us to him and moved to the states where she began to rebuild her life again. All the signs point to him being a psychopath, who was largely absent in child rearing, idealized my success, but his primary focus womanizing. After 20 years of marriage I finally pieced together that my wife is a covert narcissist. I wanted the stability and warmth of a relationship I didn't have growing up and unfortunately became prey to someone with narcissistic pathology. Such is life.

[@tatianarubas]

I needed to hear this. This shattered all of my remaining illusions post breakup. Thank you.

[@shavornewilbraham7734]

This is mad. I described him as a limb that is causing me pain. Having it cut off is traumatic but the pain of learning to be without it is a better pain. And by default, I instantly started to feel better as the pain was overwhelming. I didn't know anything about fragile narcissists. I did grieve my relationship because it wasn't what I believed it to be. I'd sit in a quiet spot in my local nature reserve and break down. It was 100% grief. I lost a dream.

[@shanie01234]

this is 10000% what i’ve felt. like cutting off a limb that i didn’t intend to attach myself to. it’s the realization that i needed to grab a saw (metaphorically) to cut that evilness off that kills me. i had to see myself in that light and it’s been difficult

[@shavornewilbraham7734]

@@shanie01234 it's one of the hardest but most confusing things I've ever done. It's an evilness that deserves a prison sentence. They create psychological damage to the point of making you want to end your life.

[@stephankrasner]

I had grief that took 20 years to move on from. It can last a long, long time.

[@brendatourville8425]

True because love is strong.

[@brendatourville8425]

No it’s not

[@brendatourville8425]

We love the person but not the evil demon that you find out that was in the person.

[@brendatourville8425]

Only God can do all things

[@brendatourville8425]

Love wins

[@MsTeelove07]

this is mind blowing!!!!!!!! Just mind blowing!!! Thank you Sam I am grateful for your teaching it has helped me tremendously.

[@Rae-cr4gz]

Hard to listen to any other KZbinr on this topic. Seriously smart and articulate here

[@lishik7712]

Listening to this has helped make sense of why the bond with my 1st serious partner was so hard to let go of. I absolutely loved how I felt about myself & the beautiful home in the woods near a river & how quiet it was there with so many stars at night. For many years I felt stupid for being so attached to a man who cheated on me & made impossible demamds. He wasn't scholarly by any means but he sure knew how to play me.

[@teresathompson235]

Being with a narcissist is a slow, downward spiral to zero self esteem...this is why so many want to end this controlling life of pleasing a person who will never be happy. It's terribly destructive. It will destroy you if you don't get away from this poison.

[@alexpeppa1750]

Thank you, once again prof. Vaknin. My narc knew very well what he was doing when he told me that I don't love HIM, but I love THE WAY he loves ME. And he, also, told me, that if I am a pawn in a chess game, then he is not a pawn, but he is the chessboard. I hope you enjoyed your glass of wine, as I too appreciate and enjoy good wine 🙂 👍

[@anabellaparis1]

Why was it removed ??? Your videos are saving us from falling completely apart. Thank you and na zdravje 🥂

[@leilanoorani2976]

This explains so much. Explains why getting stuck in grieving can be a result of regression (from the N relationship) and the ensuing loss of idealization, etc. I appreciate Vaknim’s objective honest exposure of this phenomenon. Thank you for another deeply insightful video.

[@samvaknin]

Vaknin. Thank you.

[@angeliquegeheim5784]

It cost me 50 years to wake up, thank you for this clear video, love from Nederland 😘

[@debbyjoy3]

I agree Sam...I miss the way I felt about myself when my husband was here. The way I thought he accepted and admired so much about me....but the same man withheld intimacy love and affection from me for 15 years. My mind is a minefield of confusion. I felt I could be myself...all of me with him , and at the same time..he didnt want me. I feel crazy. He gave..and he took away...the same thing. I became his image of me, good and bad, and when I found my voice and started to push back, to find myself..He killed himself...and now I am lost in my own life.

[@annevanner]

Very interesting. Lots of paradigm shifting like lying to fiction. That was my favorite. I can see how helpful that could be to recovery.

[@catherinerhea6336]

Took me 9 months of pure anguish... & I'm still processing 7+ years later...

[@stephaniepellow3275]

OK.....where is the triple love button? Just wow.. This, I feel was made for me Thank you Sam ❤

[@elliebarnes495]

I knew it!! I knew I had become narcissistic, I totally agree I felt at one with my husband of ten years, it was a sick relationship. No violence. I was totally co dependent. I've been grieving several years after I finally left him. I ended up with my head caved in with a wrench. He is now in prison. I've been missing this man who cheated on me so many times, everything blaming myself. Yet due to past sexual tramas for me his sexual appetite was grossly over exaggerated. I knew I couldn't give him what he needed. Until my best friend betrayed me and had an affair with him. He said she had power over him.❤ I've become self aware. This has taken years of deep thinking and self study..yes that sounds grandiose. However I realised how I had become a narcissistic person too. 😢 I'm only just now remembering what it is to have healthy friends. To end the grief. To stop the self pity. I have regardless been a victim. Yes. But I can choose now if I want to be a victim or not. Being a victim feels like selfishness now. He didn't choose his path in life before we met. I forgive that.

[@lisafenerty8625]

For the first time in a long time I'm quiet but, I just wanted to reach out to tell you, thank-you. This talk, this video, something clicked in my brain. Although I'm a huge fan of your work, I won't be watching many videos for some time. I have some work to do. ❤

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

Sam! So good to see you. You look great.

[@soniaprovard8259]

Listening to you now, I’m wondering if I suffer from prolonged grief disorder. My long marriage to a covert narcissist has cost me every relationship in my life. I was discarded in every way possible. House, future, kids, grandkids & so on. Every time I think I’m on the other side of this betrayal, the depression comes back w/a vengeance. This time it’s paralyzing. I am frozen & wonder if I can really have a better life.

[@joann5465]

I felt the same way at one time in my life. I was married 29 yrs to a covert narcissist. Prolonged grief, it's a good way to word it. I always said grief is one of the worst things to go through. But don't lose hope on having a better life. It will happen.

[@joy-j2d1g]

Don’t let that fucker take one more day if your life. Start by going out, horse back riding, volunteering, anything!

[@rondadepenbusch8152]

@@joann5465you have to first find your worth and tell yourself that you’re worth it and then you have to make new connections, step out of your comfort zone and start working on yourself and what used to make you happy and a hobby you used to like doing!!! Do something that you’ve wanted to do for a long time !! Forgive yourself for beating yourself up for things you had no control over. But stay positive & only allow positive things & people in your life . Set boundaries, never lower yourself or your standards for anyone. EVER . We make compromises but only with the right person, everyone Isn’t worthy of that from us . Pick & choose your battles & don’t sweat the small things. Keep pushing

[@jmc4343]

Just want to say how grateful I am; you have been the only lifeline I’ve had any use for over the last nearly 6 years now in that you have provided the only true understanding of what I HAD BEEN dealing with- and that alone re-enforced what I knew in TRUTH. Regardless of one’s definition for themselves- when one still has it in them to carry out what I call THE GREAT WORK- in simple terms BRINGING TRUTH TO LIGHT when others find themselves in darkness is a profound trait- just sharing that intelligence and understanding to those who lack truly can make all the difference- and withholding such can re-enforce another’s breaking. Nothing more admirable in a world that defies natural law than knowing that someone is strong enough to speak their TRUTH with others- THANK YOU

[@bigeyes1313]

Sam I recommended your book and videos to all of my patients. The fact that you offer these very enlightening, highly researched and in-depth presentations about this disorder for free to all who have the ears to hear. I am most grateful, Sam Vaknin. Finding you has been a Godsend! I Thank you thank you thank you!!

[@donnadbrown5]

I know you don't GAF, but I absolutely love you. I went through a narcissistic breakup some years ago. When I was going through therapy this is exactly what I stated. I felt like I was grieving my own death. You have given me such insight in understanding the pathology of the narcissistic and my own experiences with them to even understand me and why I continuously fell for them.

[@elsiemarina2572]

I lost my real mother last year then 2 weeks later my pet dog of 15 years died. The narcissist ex could not take it not being about him anymore. He actually did not get that I was crying and in pain for my mum. He would go to walk out in anger if I could not speak because I was crying! He left me the night I bought home my mothers ashes because he could sleep! It was not about him anymore. Needless to say I offered him a break a month after my mothers death. He also said he had found God and if I wanted to stay with him I had to go on the journey to God with him or we couldn,t make it work! We've been apart for a year now. It has all but nearly destroyed me but I am fighting.

[@Samantha-ho4hv]

♥️

[@QuantumSqueeb]

I did not expect the ending. 10/10 healing AND enlightenment?! ❤

[@sylviataylor498]

Brilliant. Finally, my experience explained. Thank you.

[@rancho-relaxo-radio]

Thank you very much for this, Dr. Vaknin. The end of the video was absolutely relieving. I've been blaming myself for a long time for having stayed with the abuser despite his violence. I'm still struggling with my break up and it was almost 3 years ago. I have a son in common with him and because of this I find it very difficult, if not impossible, to separate/individuate.

[@rebeccamajor4625]

I agree that prolonged grief becomes narcissism like you explained. But i see it as a ‘giving up’; going to the ‘other side’ so to speak -and succumbing to the narcissistic side as a way to cope. The internal void of the narcissistic abuser(s) enters the one who mourns.

[@justinekelly7137]

With all of the professors spoken words, upon reflection, it was exactly what happened between my narcissist and myself in unspoken words. It is chilling and mind f’ing to hear this

[@nataliezenga863]

Mind blowing stuff brings chills down my spine.

[@margaretwhelan1475]

Thank you. Prof Sam awesome genius. Keep videos coming.. love you lots.❤️🙏

[@TheLisajoyce]

I hear this and understand that nothing was real but for me this person purposely engaged in risky behavior and gave me covid which has resulted in horrible long term effects ( blood clot in jugular vein, heart etc etc etc) so this was very real and life altering for me. This person infected me, then games started, devalued and abandoned me at my sickest. So it’s very hard to not take this all personally

[@TheLisajoyce]

@@mothballs Gosh, I’m so sorry. Are you still dealing with this now? I’m no longer with my ex but I’m afraid my dealings with him have altered my life maybe forever. I’m trying to forgive myself for being with someone who knowingly engaged in risky situations and gave that mess to me. Praying for you

[@FlaminHell]

I physically separated 8 years ago but didn't realise I needed to psychologically separate from my ex. So I've begun this psychological separation now, which means absolutely zero contact. No texts, no emails, no letters, nothing. If I'd known how to psychologically separate I'd have been much much further in my healing from this by now. Instead, I actually feel I'm right back at the start, back 8 years. I genuinely didn't even realise I was still being influenced by my ex. The control never went away as I emailed and texted her at times during the last 8 years. This relationship has ruined the best part of 21 years of my life. It is devastating. Sam, thank you so much for your videos. Without them, I would still be stuck.

[@reneewatson582]

I want to thank you for your program today it was excellent information. You have helped me so much with my association with my narcissistic relationships. So amazing I can't express how much better I feel with this knowledge. I must say that I can't distance totally from my abusers because they are close family members and some friends. I am now aware of their power and they will not be able to do the damage they intend because I am stronger after your lesson. Thank you forever Renee

[@MsTeelove07]

I re visit your videos often this brings me to tears!!! As I purge myself of all that I have endured in a 30 year marriage to a narcissist!!!! Thank God I am healing myself daily!! Thank you again Mr Sam

[@Ecksunbeam]

WOW! That was a head trip in itself.! BRILLIANT! You are certainly on the planet for a purpose. THANK YOU!

[@ElyJane]

Wow! Professor Sam Vaknin you truly have the most amazing insight and wisdom about how Narcissistic Abuse has destroyed my self worth! I have been in horrendous debilitating prolonged grief since I split up with my Ex these last 4 years since 2019! Happy Mother’s Day!

[@irielion3748]

Do you not realise his mother caused him deep trauma? Wish HMD is a big mistake.

[@darleenmcbride8900]

This makes sense because I had just lost my Mommy when I met the narcissist. Everyone tells me to just get. Over it. I wish I could just get over it. I beginning to think it's never going to stop. Please stop, I'm so tired of it.

[@thomasmcnerney9745]

Your mommy? How old are you?

[@darleenmcbride8900]

Over 21, like way over! 🤣

[@ingatavares3752]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[@melindastevens1643]

It’s me again… I listened to 9mins and 40 seconds - this is the best explanation of grief ever, better than my grief counselling when my mother passed away a few years ago. Thanks. Very helpful. I am always learning from you, Professor Sam.

[@mish2837]

Thank you for the clarity you bring to every facet of a very opaque experience

[@sargonmalek5579]

This is a really really good video. Amazing perspective. We have to own up to our part in that relationship with the narcissist.

[@TraciDoering-hw8hu]

You are looking mighty dapper, Doctor Vaknin! Great haircut and energy exuding.

[@annc6417]

An amazingly great therapy session! Thanks Sam!

[@whynot5846]

Oh you so right 14years now and now I find myself a narc. There is no happy face any more. Don't want to live like this anymore. My softness has turn to hardness.

[@hennanren6212]

Wiser words hasnt been spoken. We were mothers to each other, yes. I grieved for 6 long years. The first 3 years i cried every single day without exception. I couldn't understand it but it makes a whole new sense watching this video. I also want to add that those 6 years felt like i was lost in time as well because i was ruminating the entire time and it felt like the ending of the relationship had just happened.

[@carolsummers8734]

I did not realize I was married to a narcissist until he left me after 30 years. I used to say he was a mommas boy. In his 30s with 3 kids and I could not understand why he let his mom buy all his expensive clothes and shoes. She never bought her grandkids or his twin sister anything. Mom told me she worshipped her son. When she died while he was still on his 3os, he never cried or seemed to miss her.

[@joannewatt8560]

This "grief" also seems like the life of the Narcissist after extreme childhood abuse... It is the backdrop of their entire lives...only, they are totally unaware.

[@fastingcoach9711]

Brilliant brilliant!!! Best lesson to improve SELFEMPOWERMENT!

[@PrincessAloeVera]

Very good looking haircut! Thanks for your help.

[@natalienufer9262]

Holy hell the single greatest video out there on this. I was raised by a narcissistic father and have had many narcissistic relationships with males

[@fifi-starchild]

I did resist I saw him because it happened to me before. He came over on a train after we made eye contact and we went for food. I disected every move, every word. It was just yesterday and I emailed him to say thanks but no thanks. Thank goodness I have done the work or I would have been dead meat. Thanks for this I have shared it ❤ Fifi Starchild

[@fissionchips223]

This is a work of art. Thank you for such an insightful and loving video. Out of many, many hours of your content, I think this is your finest message. Thank you for your tremendous effort, Sam, it's helped me so much.

[@kidbusiness8863]

Love the haircut! Lookin good! Secondary - really resonated with getting thrown out of the garden of Eden metaphor. I am really thankful for the relationship I had that really fucked me up. And really thankful for this video you put out. I’ve put so much blame on her, and afterwards my mom and my childhood… but it’s starting to become clear to me that we are all just children on the playground looking for mommy.. some have her and some don’t but we all need her.. it’s not going to change what I have gone through but when I see her tomorrow I will give her an extra long hug and try to be a kid again just loving his mommy